THE BACK-UP PLAN
Written by
Kate Angelo
August 30th, 2007
INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY
We're not exactly sure where we are. And we're not exactly
sure who's talking. All we know is that we are looking at a
foot. One bare foot with chipped red polish.
ZOE (V.O.)
I can't believe I didn't get a
pedicure for this. How
embarrassing. Look at that...
The toes open and then curl down as if trying to hide.
ZOE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
What's wrong with me? If I were
with a real guy doing this, I
would've gotten a pedicure. And a
wax. I'm pathetic.
The CAMERA PANS to the other foot, which is also chipped.
ZOE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Fuck, that one's even worse. And
when did my toes get so fat? No
wonder I'm alone. I'm a fat-toed
animal.
Zoe lets out a sigh. She speaks out-loud now.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Sorry I didn't get a pedicure.
DR. HARRIS
What?
DR. HARRIS (mid-fifties, jovial) looks up from between Zoe's
knees, the light on his head flashing right in Zoe's eyes.
ZOE
My toes...sorry.
DR. HARRIS
I'm not looking at your toes.
ZOE
Right. Duh.
Dr. Harris stands and takes off his gloves.
DR. HARRIS
All done.
2.
ZOE
That's it?
And now, for the first time, we see ZOE. Despite the paper
gown and worried look on her face, she's a late-30-something,
girl-next-door type. She could be your best friend.
DR. HARRIS
I'll elevate your legs for ten
minutes and then you're good to go.
He sets a kitchen timer and then pushes a button to raise her
legs. We hear the loud TICK TOCK of the timer.
ZOE
This is the first time I've heard
that ticking clock sound and it
doesn't freak me out.
DR. HARRIS
Good. Just relax.
ZOE
I can't, I'm totally freaking out.
DR. HARRIS
Everything's going to be great. I
have a feeling you and...
(checks empty syringe)
Number CRM-101404 are going to make
beautiful babies together.
Zoe smiles. Maybe he's right. Yeah...of course he's right.
BOBBY (V.O.)
Number CRM-101404? Are you high?
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
TITLE UP: FOUR WEEKS AGO
BOBBY, 39 (but says he's 33,) gay and gorgeous, opens a file
and points to a piece of paper.
BOBBY
Says here he has red hair and
freckles.
ZOE
And glasses, too.
BOBBY
And why are we picking him?
3.
ZOE
Because he's honest.
BOBBY
He's ugly.
Zoe points to a stack of potential donors.
ZOE
You think they're all telling the
truth? If they're so smart and
good looking, why are they beating
off into a cup?
BOBBY
Have you ever fucked a guy with red
hair and freckles?
ZOE
No, and I won't have to.
BOBBY
But what about your kid? No one's
going to want to fuck your kid.
(beat)
That came out wrong.
ZOE
Yeah...it's a good thing you're not
going to be the father.
INT. WAVERLY INN - NIGHT
TITLE UP: EIGHT WEEKS AGO
Bobby spits out a mouthful of Sauvignon Blanc.
BOBBY
What? I can't be the father!
ZOE
Come on, we don't have to have sex.
BOBBY
Oh, Jesus, I didn't even think
about that. Rewind, rewind,
rewind...
ZOE
You're one of my best friends.
Don't you want to help me?
4.
BOBBY
Yeah, but...that's too much. I'll
walk your dog, tell you when you
look fat, be honest about your
eyebrows...
ZOE
Just a few sperm. Big deal. You
waste billions of them every night.
BOBBY
You know I flee at the slightest
chance of intimacy. Do you see
these bags under my eyes? Ricardo
slept over last night, and he
wanted to hold me. I actually had
to fake a seizure.
ZOE
Forget it. Forget the whole thing.
Zoe sighs and puts her head in her hands.
MONA (V.O.)
Forget the whole thing. It's just
a phase...
INT. MONA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
TITLE UP: TWELVE WEEKS AGO.
Zoe and MONA, Zoe's age but looks much older, sit at the
kitchen table.
MONA
You don't want kids. Trust me.
ZOE
Easy for you to say. You have
four.
MONA
Yeah, and it's awful.
Three CHILDREN run through the kitchen yelling and screaming.
A beat later, a TODDLER runs after them crying.
MONA (CONT'D)
They've ruined my life.
ZOE
Come on...
5.
MONA
Have you seen my vagina?
Zoe shakes her head.
MONA (CONT'D)
Do you want to?
Zoe shakes her head again.
MONA (CONT'D)
I would do that for you. To prove
to you that you don't want to have
kids, I will show you my vagina.
ZOE
I don't want to see your vagina. I
want a baby. My own baby.
MONA
Is it possible you're just a little
lonely? You know, you haven't met
the right guy and--
ZOE
It's not about a guy. I don't need
a guy. I don't even think I want a
guy at this point. I've dated a
hundred guys in the last five
years, and not one of them is even
close to being the one. How long
am I supposed to wait?
MONA
You never know. He could be right
around the corner.
ZOE
Well, then he's late. And I hate
people who are late. And what if
he's not right around the corner?
What if he's miles away?
Zoe shakes her head. She becomes very serious.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I want to have a baby. And time is
running out. I hear a clock
ticking every time I close my eyes.
I need it to stop.
We hear a loud DING.
6.
INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY
Zoe opens her eyes. We're back in the exam room. She looks
at the timer, which just hit zero. She smiles.
ZOE
Ding.
Then a tear forms in the corner of her eye. She wipes it
away. She wipes a tear from the other eye. Happy tears.
Then she looks at her legs high above her on the table.
ZOE (CONT'D)
How the fuck am I supposed to get
down from here?
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE HALLWAY - LATER
Zoe walks down the hall with her legs pressed firmly
together, moving only from the knees down. Dr. Harris
passes.
DR. HARRIS
You don't have to walk like that.
ZOE
Oh. Okay.
Zoe separates her legs an inch. And then closes them.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Should we hug? We might have just
made a baby together.
INT. WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe walks through the waiting room with her legs still
pressed together. She sees two PREGNANT WOMAN, touches her
own stomach and smiles. She finally feels part of this
exclusive baby club.
ZOE
Hi.
PREGNANT WOMEN
Hi.
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Zoe enters the elevator where there is a WOMAN holding a
BABY. Zoe smiles at them. Another member of the club...
7.
ZOE
Hi.
WOMAN
Hi.
The elevator descends. Zoe continues to stare at the baby
with a big smile. She stares for an uncomfortably long time.
WOMAN (CONT'D)
You're starting to freak me out.
ZOE
Sorry.
Zoe looks down. After a beat, she sneaks another look.
WOMAN
Stop it.
EXT. MADISON AVENUE - DAY
It's POURING outside. The kind of rain that turns umbrellas
inside out. NEW YORKERS run for cover with newspapers over
their heads.
Despite the rain, Zoe skips out of the building with her
hands in the air and twirls around. Realizing that she's
spread her legs too far apart, she snaps them back together.
A WOMAN pushing a baby stroller covered in plastic runs by.
ZOE
Hi!
Zoe looks uptown for a cab. Nope. Nothing. She starts to
walk, still keeping her legs firmly pressed together. She
rounds the corner towards the subway station and then,
miraculously, spies a cab.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Taxi!
She runs (little steps) across the street.
INT. TAXI - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe closes the door behind her.
ZOE
Hallelujah!
8.
As soon as the word comes out of her mouth, she notices
someone entering the cab from the other side.
This is STAN, early 40s, but looks more like a college kid --
faded jeans, t-shirt, cute, messy hair.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Uh...excuse me. This is my cab.
STAN
You own it?
ZOE
No, but I'm about to rent it.
STAN
Actually, if we're being technical,
you kind of stole it.
ZOE
I don't think so.
STAN
If you see someone about to get in
a cab, you can't just run in from
the other side and say it's yours.
ZOE
I didn't see you.
STAN
I saw you see me.
ZOE
(to the cabbie)
Sir, who saw you first?
The CABBIE picks up his paper and starts to read.
STAN
Maybe you're not from around here,
but there's a code. It's like war,
even though it's brutal and bloody,
there are still certain rules we--
ZOE
Fine. Forget it. I'll get out.
Zoe grabs the door handle and then turns back.
ZOE (CONT'D)
But not because you're right, but
because I am in a terrific mood,
and you are ruining it.
9.
STAN
No. I'll get out.
They each get out.
EXT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
Zoe and Stan stand on opposite sides of the taxi in the
POURING RAIN. Zoe crosses her arms.
ZOE
Now what?
STAN
I don't know. You tell me.
That question is answered by the cabbie, who now peels out.
ZOE
What? Where's he going?!
(waving her hands, then)
Come back!
They both stand there with a taxi's width between them.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Well, that was stupid. Why'd you
get out, you, stupid-head?
STAN
You said you were in a great mood
and I was ruining it. I felt bad.
(then)
Did you just call me stupid-head?
Zoe storms off with her little steps.
INT. 68TH STREET SUBWAY STATION - DAY
Stan and Zoe each swipe their Metrocards at the same time.
They enter the subway platform which is jam packed with all
the other NEW YORKERS who are shit-out-of-luck in the cab
department. Rain droplets drip from the ceiling above.
ZOE
Oh, man...
STAN
How's your great mood now?
10.
INT. 6 TRAIN - DAY
A packed subway car. Zoe and Stan are back-to-back, pushed
together by the crowd. Zoe tries to read her paper.
STAN
How `bout now?
ZOE
Please stop talking to me.
INT. UNION SQUARE SUBWAY STATION - DAY
Zoe and Stan walk up the stairs a few feet apart from each
other. Zoe does her best to ignore the obvious.
STAN
So, why are you in such a good mood
anyway?
They reach the top of the stairs. The rain has stopped, and
the sun is just starting to peek through. Everything is wet
and has a magical quality.
ZOE
Not that it's any of your business,
but...good things are happening to
me.
Stan is moved by this. What a thing to say.
STAN
That's nice. I hope it continues.
ZOE
Thanks. Well, have a nice life.
Try not to steal any more cabs.
STAN
You do the same.
They nod and separate.
INT. HUDSON PETS - DAY
Hudson Pets is a small but quaint West Village pet store
filled with dogs, cats and a few rabbits.
Zoe enters. Her dog, NUTS, a raggedy, pug-like dog with hind
legs in a WHEELCHAIR, bounds/wheels towards her, barking.
11.
ZOE
Hey, Nutsy. How's it going?
She gives Nuts a good scratch. JALISA, mid-30s, Latina
hottie, and Bobby run from the back.
BOBBY
Oh, my God, you're glowing.
(to Jalisa)
She's glowing, right?
JALISA
Glowing. Tell us everything.
BOBBY
Everything.
ZOE
There's not much to tell.
BOBBY
You just got shot up with a wad of
red-headed-freckle sperm. There's
something to tell.
JALISA
He had red hair and freckles?
BOBBY
I tried to talk her out of it.
JALISA
Why'd you do that, Mami?
BOBBY
(to Jalisa)
I know, right?
JALISA
Red pubes. Eek...
ZOE
I'm never going to see his pubes!
BOBBY
You'll see your kid's pubes.
ZOE
I doubt it.
BOBBY
But you'll know they're there.
12.
ZOE
What is wrong with you?
JALISA
So, what happened? Come on...
ZOE
I lay down, put my feet up, five
minutes later it was over. I
barely felt a thing.
BOBBY
Sounds like Ricardo.
JALISA
Tell me about it, Papi.
Bobby and Jalisa high five. Bobby then turns to Zoe.
BOBBY
So...what happens now?
ZOE
Now, we wait.
BOBBY
That's no fun, I want to know if
I'm going to be a fairy godmother.
ZOE
We'll just have to wait and see.
Zoe smiles and heads for the back.
EXT. HUDSON PETS - NIGHT
The lights in the pet store go dark. Moments later, Zoe,
Bobby, Jalisa and Nuts exit.
BOBBY
Come on, Zoe, one drink. You can
have an O'Dhouls or something.
JALISA
We'll go to the piano bar and get
Bobby to sing some Ace of Base.
BOBBY
Forget it, she's not coming. I can
tell by the dull look on her face.
ZOE
Love you.
13.
They all hug. Bobby and Jalisa walk away arm-in-arm,
singing.
BOBBY/JALISA
I saw the sign and it opened up my
eyes, I saw the sign...
Zoe turns to lock up. While her back is turned, Stan appears
from the shadows.
STAN
Hi.
ZOE
Aahhh!
Zoe screams and drops the keys. Nuts, overexcited by Zoe's
reaction, starts to run/wheel in circles and then tips over.
ZOE (CONT'D)
You scared the hell out of me!
STAN
Oh, wow. Is he...okay?
Nuts is still on the ground, his wheels spinning. Zoe sets
him upright.
ZOE
What are you doing here?
STAN
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare
you. Or hurt your dog. Don't
worry, I'm not a stalker.
ZOE
How'd you know I worked here?
STAN
I followed you after the subway.
(thinks, then)
That sounds a little stalkery, huh?
ZOE
Yeah.
STAN
I just really wanted to see you
again. Almost like I had to see
you again. Can I walk you home?
(then)
Is it me or does everything I say
make me sound more like a stalker?
14.
Zoe allows a small smile.
STAN (CONT'D)
Can I just give you my card? Here.
Take my card. I'm not a freak.
Really. I sell cheese.
This hangs out there for a beat.
ZOE
Cheese?
STAN
Yeah. My family has a goat farm.
We make cheese. You like cheese?
ZOE
I guess. I've never really thought
about it.
STAN
Little Goat. Maybe you've seen us
at the Farmer's market? Come by
sometime and you can taste my
cheese.
(then)
Okay, I'm going to go. This has
not gone as planned.
Stan smiles meekly and then turns to go.
ZOE
Bye.
Stan lifts his hand to wave but doesn't even turn around.
Clearly, he feels like an idiot. Zoe watches him go.
EXT. WEST VILLAGE BROWNSTONE - MORNING
Establishing shot of a cute brownstone with window boxes and
a front stoop. We TILT UP to the third floor window.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Zoe is asleep with the morning sun on her face. Nuts is
beside her, his two little, lame legs hanging off the pillow.
Zoe opens her eyes.
After a beat, she gets up and walks to the mirror. She lifts
up her pajama top and looks at her stomach, sticking it out
as far as it will go. It's flat as a board.
15.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - DAY
Seven WOMEN sit around the cramped living room of this small,
East Village apartment. At least one woman is nursing a
child that looks entirely too old to still be nursing.
This is the SINGLE MOTHERS BY CHOICE Support Group. CAROL,
40's, short hair, tank top and no bra, is the leader.
CAROL
Everyone, please say hello to Zoe.
EVERYONE
Hi, Zoe.
CAROL
Welcome to Single Mother's By
Choice. As the name suggests, we
are all single mothers by choice.
Some of us have adopted, some
conceived with a donor, every story
is different, but with the same
common denominator. We wanted to
have a child, and we didn't need a
partner to make it happen.
The women smile and nod. They are a proud, no-nonsense,
somewhat masculine bunch. LORI, pregnant with a buzz cut,
turns to Zoe.
LORI
Are you a doer or a tryer?
ZOE
Excuse me?
LORI
Are you already a single mother or
are you trying to become one?
ZOE
Oh, I guess I'm trying. I was just
inseminated a few days ago.
(then)
Inseminated...makes me feel like a
cow or something.
CAROL
Well, when we don't have partners
with penises, we do what we've got
to do, right?
(then)
So, tell us a little bit about
yourself.
16.
ZOE
Okay. Let's see...um, I own a pet
store on Hudson Street. Dogs,
cats, rabbits...no birds, they
creep me out. Before that, I
worked for Google, which I
completely hated. One day, I
decided life was too short, and,
against my accountant's advice, I
quit Google, cashed out and bought
the pet store. Now I'm really
happy on the work front, but I
still haven't found, you know, the
one.
CAROL
Ah, yes. The elusive "one."
ZOE
I always imagined I'd be married
with kids by now, but it doesn't
look like it's going to happen that
way. So, time for Plan B.
CAROL
Society tells us we're supposed to
find that special person to make us
happy and complete. But guess
what...you have to create your own
happiness. You don't need someone
to complete you, some...man. You
already are complete.
LORI
Amen, sister.
CAROL
If you want to have a baby, we here
at Single Mothers By Choice can be
your partners. We will be your
emotional rocks.
Zoe looks around at her new "partners." There's SARA, the
one nursing the toddler. And TABITHA, a tall women with an
even taller afro and a nose ring. BRIDGET, a young girl
covered in tatoos. And several more...
CAROL (CONT'D)
From inception to college
graduation and everything in
between. We're here for each
other.
Sara smiles and nods at her nursing child.
17.
SARA
Dakota was actually born right here
in this very room. Right where
you're sitting, actually.
ZOE
(uncomfortable)
Really? Right here? Imagine that.
SARA
Best day of my life.
ZOE
And how old is she now?
Dakota looks up from the breast.
DAKOTA
I'm three.
INT. LE PAIN QUOTIDIEN - DAY
Zoe and Mona are sitting by the window sharing a plate of
pastries and a pot of coffee.
MONA
Why did you join a support group of
unattractive, militant lesbians
when you have me?
ZOE
Because you're really not that
supportive.
MONA
Sure I am.
ZOE
You just told me that if I breast-
feed "my girls" will end up looking
like empty tube socks.
MONA
I'm just being honest. And don't
even get me started on what
childbirth does to your bladder.
ZOE
What does it do to your bladder?
Mona cracks up and then stops abruptly.
18.
MONA
I just peed a little bit.
ZOE
I don't think I'm pregnant. The
doctor says it will probably take
several tries. Something about
frozen sperm being lazy.
MONA
Good. Take your time.
Zoe takes a sip of coffee and looks out the window.
ZOE
So, should I call this guy? Do you
think that would be weird?
MONA
Do I think it's weird that you're
pursuing someone at the exact
moment in time that you might be
most unavailable? No. Because
that's what you do. You sabotage.
ZOE
(ignoring her)
He works at the Farmer's market.
And it's right around the corner.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
MONA
I look fat and old?
ZOE
No.
MONA
Then, no.
ZOE
Let's go spy on him. Come on. It
will be fun. Like high school.
MONA
I can't.
(checks watch)
This twenty minute breakfast
concludes my "me" time for the
week. More proof that you should
not have kids.
19.
EXT. FARMER'S MARKET - DAY
The Farmer's Market is crowded with people. We hear the
sounds of a bluegrass band playing somewhere nearby.
Zoe spies the LITTLE GOAT sign. But Stan is not there. She
looks around the neighboring stalls for him, but no luck.
ZOE
Oh, well.
She walks towards 14th street. We see the bluegrass band on
the steps by the subway station. It's not a big band, just a
few guys with an open banjo case and a sign that reads, "The
Organics." The country twang of the music is in sharp
contrast with the tall buildings all around.
As she gets closer, she notices that Stan is in the band.
He's playing banjo.
Zoe quickly ducks into the nearest food stall, OLIVIA'S
BERRIES. OLIVIA, mid-twenties, natural beauty, approaches.
OLIVIA
Can I help you?
ZOE
(distracted)
No, I'm fine.
Zoe watches Stan. She mindlessly starts eating some
blueberries out of the display pint. Olivia sees that Zoe is
looking at Stan.
OLIVIA
Tasty, huh?
Zoe nods and takes another berry.
OLIVIA (CONT'D)
All ripe and juicy. And firm, too.
Bet you could just eat him up in
one bite, right?
Zoe now turns, confused.
ZOE
What?
OLIVIA
And don't look now, but he's coming
this way.
20.
Olivia winks and moves off. Zoe turns back and is now face-
to-face with Stan, who's smiling from ear-to-ear, his banjo
slung over his shoulder.
STAN
A-ha! I didn't scare you away
after all.
ZOE
(trying to be casual)
I was just in the neighborhood. I
thought I'd come by and get some
blueberries. I'm going to make a
pie.
STAN
I love blueberry pie.
Stan takes two pints of blueberries and hands them to Zoe.
ZOE
I'm confused. I thought you made
cheese or something.
STAN
What makes you think I don't?
ZOE
I don't know, you're over there
playing the banjo.
STAN
Can't someone do both?
ZOE
Honestly, I didn't know anyone did
either.
Olivia returns.
OLIVIA
Aren't you going to introduce me to
your new friend?
STAN
Nope.
(to Zoe)
Come on. Let me show you around.
Stan puts his arm around Zoe and leads her away. Olivia
watches them go with her arms crossed.
21.
EXT. THE LITTLE GOAT CHEESE STAND - LATER
Stan walks Zoe through his cheese stand.
STAN
This is our basic chevre, probably
our best seller. The cheese that
started it all, as they say. Then
over here we have our surface-
ripened cheeses. These are the
aged/raw milk cheeses.
(realizing)
This is really boring, huh?
ZOE
No, not at all.
STAN
It's like you're in a foreign
country and the only thing to watch
on tv is a documentary on cheese.
You don't want to watch it, but
somehow you can't stop...
ZOE
(laughing)
I think it's interesting. Really.
STAN
All right, you asked for it...
(boring voice)
The aged/raw milk cheeses are made
from raw milk and then aged for
four to six months. Sometimes
more. Sometimes less. Usually
more. Depends on the cheese.
FRED
Stop. You're killing me.
FRED, early twenties, white guy with Rasta-type dreads, looks
up from behind the counter.
STAN
Fred, Zoe, Zoe, Fred.
(then)
She's the one I followed from the
subway the other day like a total
psychopath.
FRED
Right...I heard about you.
22.
ZOE
I don't know whether to be
flattered or terrified.
FRED
Be afraid.
STAN
Don't scare her away. I'm trying
to redeem myself.
FRED
Then you should put down the banjo.
You look like a doofus.
STAN
Doofus?
(then, to Zoe)
Do you think I look like a doofus?
ZOE
I don't really know what a doofus
looks like.
Fred points to Stan.
STAN
Okay. If I put the banjo down, can
I take you to lunch or something?
ZOE
I should really get back to work.
STAN
Come on, say the word and we can
have a six-course tasting menu at
Union Square Cafe. I know the
chef.
ZOE
That sounds nice, but, I should
probably go.
STAN
Well, can I call you?
Zoe smiles.
INT. HUDSON PETS - DAY
Zoe enters the pet store with two big bags of vegetables. As
soon as she steps foot in the store, Bobby and Jalisa accost
her.
23.
BOBBY
Okay, spill it.
JALISA
Who is he? What does he do? How
do we know him?
ZOE
What are you talking about?
JALISA
Stan from the Farmer's Market?
He's called twice already.
ZOE
Really?
BOBBY
Is he a farmer? Because that's not
okay.
ZOE
No. He makes cheese.
BOBBY
He's a pilgrim?
ZOE
I don't know what he is. He's cute
and different and plays the banjo.
(then)
I think I like him.
BOBBY
What about the, you know, bun in
the oven?
ZOE
I really doubt I'm pregnant.
JALISA
You want to be pregnant. You don't
want to be pregnant. I'm confused.
ZOE
I want to be pregnant. Of course I
want to be pregnant. I mean, I put
a lot of thought into this, right?
(then)
So what did Stan say?
BOBBY
He says to name any restaurant you
want to go to.
(MORE)
24.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
He'll be there with bells on.
(then)
He didn't say the "bells on" part.
I added that. Sounds a little too
gay, though, so I take it back.
EXT. 8TH STREET - NIGHT
Zoe walks down 8th street. This is the first time we've seen
her really pulled together, and she looks hot. She turns
into the restaurant she's chosen for the big date.
INT. GRAY'S PAPAYA HOT DOGS - NIGHT
Zoe and Stan stand at the counter with an array of hot dogs
in front of them. Stan looks at the hot dogs skeptically.
STAN
We could have gone anywhere.
ZOE
Just take a bite. You'll see.
STAN
Per Se, Jean Georges, Nobu...
ZOE
Gray's Papaya. Cheers.
She clinks his dog and then they each take a bite.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Good, right?
Stan nods, covering his mouth because the bite is so big.
ZOE (CONT'D)
You've lived here your whole life
and never been to Gray's Papaya.
What's wrong with you?
STAN
I actually haven't lived here my
whole life. We moved out of the
city when my parents bought the
farm....not died, but actually
bought a farm and moved upstate.
ZOE
That must have been a nice place to
grow up. On a farm.
25.
STAN
What about your family?
ZOE
It's just me and my grandmother.
She lives in a retirement community
in Queens.
(an awkward beat)
My parents died when I was young.
STAN
I'm so sorry.
There is a long silence. They both stare at the hot dogs.
STAN (CONT'D)
I don't know what to say now. I've
made it all awkward and sad.
ZOE
It's okay.
(then)
My dad was kind of a bad guy,
anyway.
STAN
Shit. I'm so sorry, Zoe.
ZOE
No, come on, we'll get all this
stuff out of the way so we never
have to talk about it again. Let's
ask all the awkward, get-to-know-
you questions right now.
STAN
Okay. Good idea.
ZOE
Let's see...are you religious?
STAN
Nope. What about you?
ZOE
No.
STAN
Have you ever been married?
ZOE
No.
26.
STAN
Aren't you sick of going to
weddings?
ZOE
If I have to listen to one more
couple write their own vows...
STAN
I hate when they write their own
vows!
They clasp hands. Not in a high-fivey way, but in a
connected, we have so much in common way. Their hands stay
together, feeling the charge between them.
STAN (CONT'D)
What about kids?
Zoe feels the blood rush to her cheeks. Like everyone there
must now be looking at her.
ZOE
What about them?
STAN
Well, do you want them?
ZOE
Yeah. I want kids.
She pulls her hand away. This has all gotten suddenly real.
She looks at Stan, almost afraid to ask the next question.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Do you?
STAN
Yeah. Absolutely.
Zoe nods. Slowly, she starts to breathe again.
EXT. PERRY STREET - NIGHT
They are now walking home together, arm-in-arm.
ZOE
Okay, first kiss...
STAN
Jen Salzer. Seventh grade. She
wore a head-gear. What about you?
27.
ZOE
Summer camp. I think his name was--
Stan interrupts by kissing her. And it's a great kiss. Full
of promises and answers. They linger there for a moment...
ZOE (CONT'D)
That was way better.
STAN
When can I see you again?
Zoe feels her heart jump. She kisses him again.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Zoe is lying in bed with Nuts on the pillow next to her. The
sun is shining and they are both waking up.
She gets up and goes to the mirror. She lifts up her
nightgown and looks at her stomach, this time with a slight
look of concern on her face.
INT. EQUINOX - DAY
Zoe and Mona are side-by-side on the elliptical machines.
Zoe is going very fast, while Mona is barely moving at all.
ZOE
What if I'm pregnant?
MONA
Then you'll get fat and hormonal
and I'll say, "I told you so."
ZOE
But what if this could go somewhere
with Stan? Like, really go
somewhere.
MONA
Then it will work out perfectly.
ZOE
What do you mean?
MONA
Because just when you really like
him, you'll break up because you're
pregnant and then you never have to
put yourself out there and possibly
get hurt. That's your dream.
28.
ZOE
(thinks, then)
I'm not pregnant.
She gets off the machine.
INT. EQUINOX STEAM ROOM - DAY
We are in a foggy steam room with Zoe, Mona and a few other
WOMEN.
MONA
So, when are you seeing him again?
ZOE
Tonight.
MONA
Well, don't have sex with him.
That's the last thing we need. You
get knocked up and we'll have no
idea who the father is.
A few women look over.
MONA (CONT'D)
And then we'll have to do a
paternity test. Is it the cheese
farmer or the red-pubed bandit?
More women look over.
ZOE
I'm not going to have sex with him
tonight. It's too soon.
(for the women's benefit)
I'm not a slut.
MONA
Well, bring condoms, just in case.
(thinks, then)
And a pregnancy test.
ZOE
Very funny.
MONA
I'm not joking.
All of the women are now staring at Zoe.
ZOE
I'm really not a slut.
29.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Zoe sits on the bed, holding a pregnancy test in her hands.
Nuts is beside her. He looks up at her.
ZOE
There's no way, right?
INT. ZOE'S BATHEROOM - NIGHT
Zoe pees on the stick. Nuts is beside her, watching with his
head tilted.
ZOE
Stop looking at me like that. I'm
not pregnant.
Zoe finishes peeing and looks at the test. Nothing yet.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Come on, come on, come on...
We hear the doorbell RING.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Shit.
Zoe looks down at the test. Still nothing. We wait and
watch the test. The doorbell RINGS again.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Shit!
A faint PLUS SIGN is forming.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Shitshitshitshit...
The plus sign then turns BRIGHT PINK. Zoe's heart stops.
There it is. Plain as day. Pregnant.
ZOE (CONT'D)
No, shit.
Zoe stands. Looks at herself in the mirror. And then...
ZOE (CONT'D)
Holy fucking shit!
30.
INT. TAXI - NIGHT
Manhattan fades into the distance, as they drive over the
Brooklyn Bridge. Zoe cracks the window.
STAN
Are you feeling okay?
Zoe nods. Her face looks pale.
STAN (CONT'D)
Good, because this should really
be a culinary adventure. This is
an underground restaurant that
moves from apartment to apartment,
depending on the chef.
Zoe nods again. Hasn't heard a word he's said. She rolls
the window all the way down and hangs her head out.
STAN (CONT'D)
And some of the guys from the band
will be there. So, we might get a
little jam going. Sounds fun,
right?
(then)
Zoe?
Zoe's POV. Headlights from passing cars whiz by, and the
wind swirls her hair into her face. Brooklyn approaches like
a bad dream.
INT. UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT/SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT
Stan walks down a long table filled with appetizers. He is
making a plate for each of them. Zoe trails behind, beads of
sweat on her forehead.
STAN
And this looks like a mache salad
with grapes and feta.
He takes some for each of them.
STAN (CONT'D)
And this, oh this must be white
beans and lamb's tongue. You've
got to have some of this. Etienne
is famous for his lamb's tongue.
Olivia approaches.
31.
OLIVIA
Hey, stranger.
STAN
Oh, hey, Olivia. You remember Zoe.
OLIVIA
Right. How'd that blueberry pie
turn out?
ZOE
What?
OLIVIA
You bought blueberries from me?
Said you were going to make a pie?
ZOE
Um, can you excuse me for a second?
Zoe hurries off. Olivia watches her go. Eyes narrowing.
OLIVIA
No way she knows how to bake a pie.
INT. UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT/SMALL APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe hovers by the window, whispering into the phone.
ZOE
I'm pregnant.
BOBBY (O.S.)
What?! Where are you? I'm on my
way.
ZOE
Brooklyn.
BOBBY (O.S.)
Where's that?
Zoe hangs up the phone.
INT. UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT/SMALL APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe is now on the phone with Mona.
MONA (O.S.)
Don't panic. Could be a false
positive. Take another test.
32.
ZOE
I can't. I'm at some underground
foodie party in Brooklyn. Where am
I gonna--
Out the window and across the street, we see a drugstore.
INT. DRUGSTORE - NIGHT
Zoe runs down the aisle and empties one, two, three...what
the fuck, every pregnancy test into her basket.
Her cell phone RINGS. It's Bobby. She picks it up.
BOBBY (O.S.)
Okay, I'm looking at a subway map.
Which way is Brooklyn?
She hangs up again.
INT. UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT/SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT
Zoe hurries through the living room, a packed drugstore bag
hidden under her arm. Stan comes up behind her.
STAN
Where have you been?
Zoe jumps and accidentally drops the bag. The tests spill
out onto the floor. She quickly scoops everything back in.
ZOE
Sorry. You scared me.
STAN
Did you just go to the store?
ZOE
Yeah, I had a little emergency. I
have a, a, um...corn, and I needed
to get those little...corn pads.
STAN
Corn pads?
ZOE
I know, it's gross. Do you know
where the bathroom is?
Zoe walks off leaving him to ponder.
33.
STAN
What's a corn pad?
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Zoe pees on eight sticks at once.
ZOE
Corn pad? What the hell is wrong
with you?
Someone KNOCKS on the door.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Corn pad. Jesus Christ.
The knocking turns to an angry BANGING.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Relax! I'll be out in...
(checks box)
Three to five minutes.
Zoe holds up the tests. One by one, the little windows all
show PLUS SIGNS and CHECK MARKS and DOUBLE HASH MARKS.
INT. UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT/SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT
Zoe exits the bathroom with a wide-eyed, terrified look on
her face. By the bar, she sees a PREGNANT WOMAN sipping a
glass of wine. She rushes over.
ZOE
Excuse me, are you allowed to drink
when you're...
Zoe makes hand motions at her belly, but can't say the word.
ZOE (CONT'D)
You know...
More hand gestures.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Pregnant?
(off Zoe's nod)
My doctor says one glass is--
Zoe doesn't wait for her to finish. She rushes the bar,
pours a glass of wine and downs it like a frat boy funneling
a beer.
34.
Outside, we hear a banjo and guitar tuning up.
EXT. BACK PATIO - SAME
Stan, JERRY and SCOOTER are just starting to play. A small
crowd gathers round. Stan starts to sing an old tune called
"Sweet Little Miss Blue Eyes."
STAN
Who makes me forget all the other
girls I met, sweet, little Miss
Blue Eyes. Who's sweeter to me,
than she really ought to be, sweet
little Miss Blue Eyes.
Zoe appears at the door to the patio. Stan smiles at her
while he sings.
STAN (CONT'D)
Who's gonna start takin' care of my
heart, she makes me realize. And
it's lucky for me and I really want
to be with...
(winks at Zoe)
sweet, little Miss--
Stan's POV as Zoe covers her mouth with two hands and bolts
for the bathroom, puking.
STAN (CONT'D)
Blue eyes?
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Zoe's head is in the toilet. Just when we think she's done,
she pukes again. Finally, she lifts her head.
ZOE
Ohhhhhhhh.
She spies an unused pregnancy test on the floor. One that
must have dropped. Maybe this will be the one with the
answer she's looking for. She sits back on the toilet,
mustering up all of her focus to pee again. She closes her
eyes.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Please, God...
But she can't pee. She tries and tries.
35.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Water, water everywhere, but not a
drop to...
She doubles over and pukes between her knees. When she's
done, she holds up the test.
CU of the stick, which has no pee on it but is covered in
vomit. Slowly the test reveals a PLUS SIGN.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Fuck me.
EXT. PERRY STREET - NIGHT
Stan and Zoe walk towards Zoe's brownstone. Stan is
practically holding her up. Zoe stumbles along.
STAN
My singing made you vomit.
ZOE
No. It's not that.
STAN
Sure, we were a little out of tune,
but...
ZOE
I really don't feel well.
STAN
Is it your corns? Hurts to walk?
ANGLE on Carol, from Single Mother's By Choice, approaching.
Zoe's face pales.
CAROL
Zoe?
ZOE
Wow. Hi. Hey, there...
CAROL
Where have you been? You haven't
been coming to any--
ZOE
(cutting her off)
Right. I know. I've been so busy.
Next one, I'm there. For sure.
(then, awkward)
This is my friend, Stan.
36.
STAN
Hi.
CAROL
(eyeing Stan suspiciously)
Hello. Are you two--
ZOE
Late. Yes. We are. We really
are.
(pushing Stan along)
I'll see you at the meeting. Bye.
They walk on. Stan looks at Zoe.
STAN
An old...boyfriend?
ZOE
Her name is Carol. We're on
a...committee together.
They reach Zoe's front stoop. Zoe peers over Stan's shoulder
to make sure Carol's gone.
ZOE (CONT'D)
All right. I have to go to bed
now. I'll call you, okay?
STAN
Okay.
(then)
Hey, I was thinking, if you don't
have any plans this weekend, maybe
you'd like to come up to the farm
and get away for a few days.
ZOE
I'll call you tomorrow.
Something's not agreeing with me.
STAN
Was it the lamb's tongue?
Zoe runs inside holding her hand over her mouth. Stan stands
there for a beat. He calls after her.
STAN (CONT'D)
Okay, well...this weekend. Think
about it.
37.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Zoe lies in bed. Nuts sleeps beside her. Zoe stares out the
window at a flickering street lamp, her face full of fear.
ZOE
What the hell have I done?
EXT. SHADYBROOK RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - DAY
Establishing shot of a retirement compound in Queens.
INT. SHADYBROOK LOBBY - DAY
The lobby is well-appointed and cheery. A young STAFF works
behind a front desk area. Were it not for a scattering of
PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS, you might think we were at a Ramada.
Zoe walks by the front desk. ANNIE, an employee, looks up.
ANNIE
Hi, Zoe. You look fantastic.
ZOE
I don't know how that's possible.
ANNIE
Something's different. Did you get
highlights or a spray tan? Your
face looks like it's...
ZOE
Please don't say glowing.
ANNIE
Yes! Exactly!
EXT. SHADYBROOK COURTYARD - LATER
There is a small group of WOMEN speed walking around the
courtyard. They are fully decked out in jogging suits,
visors and nose shields. The ringleader is NANA, 83, fit and
fabulous.
On the sidelines is ARTHUR, 87, with his walker and big grin,
as he watches the ladies exercise.
ZOE
Morning, Arthur.
38.
ARTHUR
Hello, my dear!
He struggles to get up.
ZOE
No, no, no, don't get up.
ARTHUR
Good, because I can't get up. Came
to see my lovely fiance? She's
looking fine today, let me tell
you. Fine.
Nana rounds the bend and waves enthusiastically.
ZOE
Hi, Nana.
NANA
One more mile to go. Do you have a
minute? Talk to Arthur.
Zoe looks at Arthur who's now watching Nana's ass, nodding.
ARTHUR
That's what I'm talking about.
Work it.
Horrified, Zoe quickly runs after Nana.
EXT. SHADYBROOK COURTYARD - LATER
Zoe is now speed walking with the ladies. She mimics the
same strong arm movements and heel-toe foot action.
NANA
Do you want a nose guard? I have
an extra.
ZOE
No, I'm fine.
SHIRLEY
Are you sure? Ethel Silverbeck
just had another carcinoma removed
from her nose.
ZOE
(to Nana)
I kind of need to talk to you.
Alone.
39.
Nana gives her friends a nod, and they fall back several
paces. Zoe waits for them to be out of earshot.
NANA
Don't worry, they can't hear
anything anyway.
ZOE
I'm pregnant.
NANA
(can't hear her)
What?
ZOE
I'm pregnant.
NANA
What?
ZOE
I'm pregnant.
NANA
I can't hear you, darling.
SHIRLEY
Jesus, Judy, she's pregnant. Turn
your hearing aide up.
Zoe closes her eyes. Nightmare.
INT. NANA'S ROOM - LATER
Nana hands Zoe a cup of tea. Zoe's eyes well with tears.
ZOE
What am I going to do?
NANA
I'm confused. Isn't this what you
wanted? You bought sperm and were
inseminated by your doctor. This
isn't what we would call an
accident.
ZOE
But now it's all happening so fast.
Did I really think this through?
40.
NANA
We talked about it for months. You
said it was what you wanted more
than anything in the world.
ZOE
But this guy, he's...special. It's
all going to fall apart now.
NANA
What makes him so special?
ZOE
I don't know. He's very...real.
And funny. And different. The
other guys I've been with all had
their briefcases and their five-
year plans and their secretaries
they were fucking. Stan doesn't
have a five-year plan. I don't
even know if he has a plan.
NANA
What about a secretary?
ZOE
Some kid named Fred.
(then)
I like him, Nana.
NANA
Well, if he's the right one, he'll
stay.
ZOE
Do you really think so?
NANA
Gosh, I don't know. I hoped that
would be enough to appease you.
ZOE
Should I still visit him for the
weekend? Or should I just vanish
and hope he forgets I ever existed.
NANA
Don't be silly. Go up there for
the weekend. Spend some time with
him and see what he's really like.
ZOE
Yeah. You're right.
41.
NANA
You might find out he's a total
douchebag and then the whole thing
is moot.
Zoe looks at Nana. Douchebag?
INT. CAR - DAY
Zoe is in the car. We are CLOSE on her as she talks rapidly
and a bit maniacally.
ZOE
Okay, so we'll just hope that he's
a douchebag. Could happen, right?
WIDEN to reveal Nuts in the passenger seat. He's yawning.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. Am I keeping you up?
Nuts closes his eyes and lays down.
ZOE (CONT'D)
My whole life is falling apart and
you can't keep your bug-eyes open?
(yawning)
Thanks. Now I'm yawning. But why
am I so tired? I slept nine hours.
(thinks, then)
And I'm starving, too. What the
hell is going on?
Zoe sees a gas station and jams on the breaks.
INT. GAS STATION MINI MART - DAY
Zoe pours a massive cup of coffee. One of those gas station
Big Gulp cups. Even the TRUCKER next to her chooses a
smaller cup. Then, a look crosses her face.
ZOE
Am I even allowed to drink coffee?
The trucker looks at her. She looks at him.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Do you know anything about being
pregnant?
42.
EXT. CAR - LATER
Zoe's car is now parked on the side of a highway in the
middle of nowhere.
INT. CAR - SAME
Zoe is sound asleep with her head back and her mouth open. A
small, empty coffee cup in her hand, crumpled candy bar
wrappers on the floor, and an almost empty bag of Cheetos is
in her lap.
Her cell phone RINGS. Zoe doesn't move. After the third
ring, she lifts her head and looks around. It takes her a
few moments to realize what's happened. She looks at the
little coffee cup.
ZOE
Thanks a lot, decaf.
She picks up the phone.
STAN (O.S.)
Where are you?
Zoe looks around.
ZOE
I have no idea.
EXT. LITTLE GOAT FARM - DAY
Zoe bumps along the winding driveway of this idyllic Hudson
River farm. There are red barns in the distance and green
pastures filled with goats and sheep. The house is an old
carriage house with a rusty weather-vane on top.
Zoe parks the car and takes in the whole scene. Stan opens
the front door, with a huge smile on his face. Zoe sighs.
ZOE
He's so not a douchebag.
INT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
They enter the front door. Zoe takes in the charming
carriage house.
ZOE
I can't believe you live here.
This is ridiculous.
43.
STAN
I just come on weekends. My
parents really live here.
ZOE
Oh. Where are they now?
STAN
In the kitchen.
Zoe stops short.
ZOE
Wait, they're here? Now? Is this
a "meet the parents" kind of thing?
I wasn't prepared for this.
STAN
No. Not at all. I mean, you'll
meet them, but--
ZOE
When you said come up for the
weekend, I assumed it was just us.
(then)
I think I need to lay down.
INT. STAN'S BEDROM - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe lies in the small bed with the covers pulled up to her
chin. Stan stands above her with an odd look on his face.
STAN
Are you hung-over or something?
ZOE
I'm just...not myself. Give me ten
minutes. A ten-minute power nap
and I'm good. I need to regroup.
STAN
Are you sure you're okay?
(then)
Zoe? Hello?
But she's already out. Stan gives her a little poke.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Stan enters the kitchen. His parents, JOAN and EDWARD look
up expectantly, as if about to meet their new daughter-in-
law.
44.
EDWARD
Oh. It's just you.
STAN
She's taking a nap.
JOAN
A nap? Now? She just got here.
STAN
Mom, I need you to not be
judgemental, okay. I like this
girl a lot.
JOAN
How can I be judgemental? We
haven't even met her yet.
We hear a SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK coming down the hall.
JOAN (CONT'D)
What the heck is that?
The SQUEAKING continues and then all eyes turn as Nuts rolls
into the kitchen and stops. He tilts his head.
STAN
Oh. This is Nuts.
Joan and Edward take in the raggedy/wheelchair-bound dog and
then look at Stan. Stan shoots his mom a look.
JOAN
Who's judging?!
INT. STAN'S BEDROOM - LATER
It's now dark. Zoe is asleep in the exact same position.
Suddenly, we hear a loud GRUMBLE. Her eyes open.
ZOE
What was that?
We hear the GRUMBLE again. It's her stomach. She puts her
hands over it.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Whoa.
Zoe gets out of bed and goes right for the Cheetos. The bag
is empty. She smears her hand on the inside of the bag and
then licks the orange cheese from her fingers.
45.
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe peeks out of the bedroom and looks both ways.
ZOE
(whispering)
Stan?
No one in sight. She waits a beat and then whispers louder.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Stan!
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Zoe peers her head into the empty kitchen. Nuts is with her.
ZOE
Stan? Hello?
Zoe stands there unsure of what to do next. Then we hear her
stomach GROWL again. Her eyes turn to the stove. Something
smells out of this world. She tiptoes over and opens the
pot. It's beef stew.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Oh, my God.
She makes sure the coast is clear and then looks for a spoon.
She can't find one. She spies a loaf of white bread. Grabs
a piece, folds it and then scoops up a heaping bite of stew
and devours it.
ZOE (CONT'D)
(mouth full)
Oh, my God.
She replaces the lid on the pot. And now she just stands
there. And stands there some more.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Oh, who am I kidding?
She quickly takes two slices of bread and goes back in. This
time, she uses one piece of bread as a ladle and then the
other to turn it into a sandwich. She takes a huge bite.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Oh. My. God.
Stew dribbles down her chin. She takes a third piece of
bread to wipe her face and then takes a bite of that one.
46.
Nuts starts to whine and beg. Zoe uses her bread-ladle to
toss some stew on the floor for him. It lands with plop.
And now Joan enters. Zoe and Nuts turn, their mouths
bursting. Joan doesn't quite know what to do. All she knows
is she's supposed to be open-minded.
JOAN
Would you like a plate?
Zoe shakes her head no. Wow. This is embarrassing.
JOAN (CONT'D)
A napkin?
Zoe nods her head. Joan gives her one. Zoe holds it over
her mouth as she tries in vain to swallow this inhuman bite.
JOAN (CONT'D)
I'm Joan.
Zoe nods. Still can't swallow the bite.
JOAN (CONT'D)
And you must be Zoe.
Zoe nods again. She tries to shake Joan's hand. It's the
best she can do. Unfortunately, her fingers are fluorescent
orange from the Cheetos powder. Joan pulls her hand back.
INT. DINING ROOM - LATER
The dining room is warm and lovely. There's faded wallpaper
and an old stagecoach lamp serving as a chandelier. Despite
the inviting room, Zoe looks very uncomfortable.
EDWARD
The stew is delicious, honey.
STAN
Yeah, Mom, it's awesome.
EDWARD
(to Zoe)
Have you ever in your life had stew
like this? Come on, be honest.
Zoe looks at Joan. Joan smiles. It will be their secret.
ZOE
Uh...no. Never.
47.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
They are having coffee and dessert in the living room.
Things seem more comfortable now. Zoe actually looks like
she might be enjoying herself. Nuts sits beside her.
JOAN
So are all the animals in your pet
store...differently abled?
ZOE
Oh, you can say paralyzed. He
doesn't mind.
(then)
No, our pets are all in great
shape. Purebreads mostly, but not
from puppy mills.
JOAN
Those puppy mills are terrible. I
read about them in the paper.
ZOE
Well, that's actually how I ended
up with Nuts. I bought him from
this pet store near my house. Six
months later, I had thousands of
dollars in vet bills and had to put
him in a wheelchair.
EDWARD
You should have sued that place.
ZOE
I thought about it, but what was
that really going to do? They were
still going to sell inbred dogs.
So...I took the money I made when I
left Google and just bought the
place figuring I would do better.
STAN
You worked for Google?
Zoe nods.
STAN (CONT'D)
How could I not know that?
ZOE
You never asked.
48.
STAN
And you made a lot of money and
then bought a pet store?
Stan puts his arm around her and gives her a squeeze.
STAN (CONT'D)
I love that.
ZOE
It's been fun. Beats brand
management, that's for sure.
JOAN
(to Edward)
That sounds like us, honey.
EDWARD
It's true.
(to Zoe)
When we bought this farm we just
wanted to make cheese because we
couldn't find anything we liked in
the stores. And now, twenty years
later, here we are...
JOAN
Sometimes in life you just have to
take matters into your own hands.
Make things happen your own way,
you know?
Zoe forces a smile. If only they knew.
EXT. LITTLE GOAT FARM - NIGHT
The moon is full and fireflies dot the air as Zoe and Stan
walk the grounds of the farm.
Nuts trots/rolls ahead of them in a different wheelchair.
This one is more rugged, with mountain-bike-type wheels.
STAN
I can't believe that Nuts has an
off-road wheelchair.
ZOE
He's got one for snow, too. With
little skis on the bottom.
Stan smiles and shakes his head.
49.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What?
STAN
You're really something.
ZOE
Are you making fun of me? Do you
think I spoil him?
STAN
No, I really think you're amazing.
I mean, that story you told
tonight. You just quit your whole
professional life because of this
little dog? Started your own
business, just like that?
Zoe shrugs.
STAN (CONT'D)
You're very...unique.
ZOE
Well, you're a dime a dozen. I
can't tell you how many banjo
playing, cheese makers I've been
with.
STAN
I keep waiting for the other shoe
to drop. Like, how can you be so
perfect? Why are you even still
single? I can't believe no one's
snatched you up by now.
ZOE
I drive them all away, I guess.
STAN
Yeah, right.
Stan takes her in his arms.
STAN (CONT'D)
Look, I know this is all going
fast...the time we're spending
together, meeting my parents and
everything...but, I'm okay with
that. I want it to go fast.
ZOE
It is going fast.
50.
STAN
But isn't that okay? Aren't we old
enough to skip all the bullshit?
What are we waiting for? I...want
to be with you.
Zoe opens her mouth. She's got to tell him. Before this
goes any further, she has to tell him.
ZOE
Stan.
STAN
Come on. There's something I want
to show you.
INT. CHEESE CAVE - NIGHT
It's floor to ceiling wooden shelves all filled with cheese.
Stan ceremoniously unwraps a wheel.
ZOE
What is it?
STAN
It's cheese.
ZOE
I can see that.
STAN
It's a new kind of goat's milk
we're using. I've been developing
the recipe, and now it needs to
age. It'll be ready for market in
several months.
(then, excited)
Want to know what it's called?
ZOE
Okay.
STAN
Zoe.
ZOE
You named a piece of cheese after
me?
STAN
Not just one piece. The whole
line. This will forever in history
be known as the Zoe.
(MORE)
51.
STAN (CONT'D)
Unless, of course, it tastes like
shit, and then we'll just scrap it.
(with a wink)
But that'll never happen.
ZOE
How do you know?
STAN
Because it's going to be fantastic.
Sweet and sassy and very complex.
Why do you think I'm calling it
Zoe?
ZOE
No one's ever named a piece of
cheese after me before.
Zoe stares at the cheese for a long time.
STAN
You're kind of hard to read right
now. You're either seriously
flattered or totally repulsed.
Zoe smiles.
STAN (CONT'D)
What?
ZOE
I want to kiss you right now, but
it really smells like cheese in
here.
EXT. DAIRY - MOMENTS LATER
The door to the dairy kicks open and Stan carries Zoe out.
Her legs are around his waist and they are making out like
crazy.
INT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Stan carries Zoe up the stairs. They are tripping and
kissing and now tearing at each other's clothes.
INT. STAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan throws Zoe on the bed and then peels off his shirt. His
body looks amazing in the shadowy moonlight. Zoe lies there,
looking at him before he jumps on top of her.
52.
ZOE
(under her breath)
You're such a douchebag.
STAN
What?
Zoe shakes her head and then melts into him.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. STAN'S ROOM - LATER
They are now on their backs staring at the ceiling. They
look happy and worn out
Their P.O.V. Those little glow-in-the-dark star stickers are
all over the ceiling. There's barely any glow left.
Stan lets out a big sigh as he looks at the "stars"...
STAN
That was amazing. I mean, like,
totally and exceptionally, over-the-
top, amazing.
Zoe turns to him. Takes a deep breath.
ZOE
Stan.
STAN
Yeah.
ZOE
There's something I really have to
tell you.
STAN
There's something I have to tell
you, too.
Now Stan turns to her. They are face-to-face.
STAN (CONT'D)
Can I go first? `Cause if we're
going to say the same thing, I want
to say it first.
ZOE
We're not going to say the same
thing.
53.
STAN
Well, let me go, because this is
really embarrassing, and I just
have to say it.
ZOE
Okay.
STAN
I've dated a lot of women. I mean,
not tons, but a lot. And, the
thing is, I've never...been in love
before. I've never even told
anyone I love them before. Because
I just never felt it. But from the
day we met, from the first time our
backs accidentally touched in the
subway, I feel this, this...
(he shakes his head)
Maybe this is too much to say right
now, but...I love you, Zoe. I
really do.
Stan finishes. He looks at her and smiles. Zoe just stares
at him.
STAN (CONT'D)
In my mind, you were supposed to
say, I love you, too.
Instead, Zoe covers her mouth and runs to the bathroom. A
beat later, we hear her vomit.
INT. STAN'S BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe is at the sink, furiously brushing her teeth. Stan
enters.
STAN
Zoe?
He looks at her. Sees the tears in her eyes.
STAN (CONT'D)
Why are you crying? Everything's
perfect.
ZOE
It's not.
STAN
Sure it is.
54.
Zoe takes a deep breath.
STAN (CONT'D)
What?
ZOE
I'm pregnant.
STAN
Uh, I'm pretty sure it doesn't
happen that fast.
Zoe shakes her head.
ZOE
I just found out.
STAN
Pregnant? As in you're going to
have a baby?
Zoe nods.
STAN (CONT'D)
I don't understand.
ZOE
I know. It's hard to explain.
STAN
Well, who's it?
ZOE
I don't know.
STAN
What?
ZOE
I don't know who the father is. I
kind of know him. I just don't
know his name exactly. It was sort
of anonymous.
STAN
Anonymous?
ZOE
He's a donor. From a sperm bank.
STAN
Seriously, what the fuck are you
talking about? Sperm bank? What?
55.
ZOE
I know, this is so fucked up.
STAN
When did all of this happen?
ZOE
The day we met. That same day.
And I didn't tell you because I
didn't think there was any way I
could be pregnant.
STAN
But...why?
ZOE
Because supposedly with frozen
sperm it takes a few tries and...
STAN
No, why would you do this?
ZOE
Because I wanted a baby. And I'm
almost forty, and I never met the
right guy. I was afraid if I
waited any longer it would all pass
me by, and I'd miss my chance.
Stan just looks at her. Speechless.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I didn't know you. I would have
never done it if--
STAN
I just told you I loved you.
ZOE
Well....do you not now?
STAN
You're pregnant.
ZOE
Don't say it like that.
STAN
You're pregnant.
ZOE
Yes. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant!
56.
STAN
I tell you I'm in love with you and
you tell me your pregnant with some
stranger's child?
ZOE
Don't say it like that. You make
it sound dirty.
STAN
I'm sorry. I...I'm stunned. I
don't know what to say. What the
fuck am I supposed to say?! This
is great fucking news?
Congratulations?! Why did you wait
so long to tell me?
ZOE
Because I'm freaking out, okay! I
didn't know what to do. I made
this big decision to do this and
then I met you--
STAN
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
This isn't how it was supposed to
be. This isn't what--
ZOE
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? Life
isn't perfect. It's not all neat
and tidy like your perfect family
and your perfect farm and your
bluegrass band. It's messy. It's
fucked up. This is real life,
okay? I'm sorry to break it to
you.
They both stand there. After the raised voices, the silence
feels more pronounced.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry.
STAN
Sorry? What's sorry going to do?
Stan walks out. Zoe stands there. And stands there. And
then she starts to cry.
INT. STAN'S BEDROOM - LATER
Zoe lies in bed awake. Nuts is beside her. They are alone.
57.
EXT. LITTLE GOAT FARM - DAY
It's daybreak at the farm. FARM HANDS move herds of goats
from one pasture to another.
INT. GUEST ROOM - MORNING
Stan lies awake in a small guest room. Joan enters and is
startled to find him in there.
JOAN
Oh, I thought you were in your
room. Sorry.
(then)
Everything okay?
Stan doesn't answer. Joan sits on the corner of the bed.
JOAN (CONT'D)
Well, she seems really terrific.
Dad and I both think so. She's
smart and poised and...
Next door, we hear Zoe puking again. Joan stops. Then,
wanting to seem open-minded, continues.
JOAN (CONT'D)
And warm and gracious...
Another very LOUD HURL.
JOAN (CONT'D)
And pretty and...
Another HURL. Joan looks at Stan.
JOAN (CONT'D)
What the hell's going on in there?
STAN
She's pregnant.
JOAN
Oh, dear God.
We hear the toilet FLUSH.
INT. CAR - DAY
Zoe sits in the passenger seat with the key in the ignition.
Stan leans against the car. They are both quiet.
58.
ZOE
I don't know what to say.
Neither does Stan, who says nothing. He runs his foot back
and forth in the gravel.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I guess I'd given up on meeting
someone like you, and I did what I
thought was best.
Stan still doesn't say anything.
ZOE (CONT'D)
But, for what it's worth...I love
you, too.
She puts the car in gear and pulls out. Stan watches her go.
His hands in his pockets.
EXT. MONA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Zoe stands in the hallway of Mona's apartment building. A
beat later, Mona opens the door and holds out her arms.
MONA
Come here.
Zoe walks slowly into her embrace. They stand like this for
a long time. Just holding each other. Until Mona's three
kids run out with wiffle-ball bats and chase each other down
the hall. A beat later, the toddler runs after them crying.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Zoe lies in bed with Nuts. She opens her eyes and stares at
the ceiling. Then, with a sigh, she gets up and does her
morning ritual.
She pulls up her nightgown and sticks out her stomach. For
the first time, we actually see a little bump.
INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY
Zoe lies on the table with a paper gown over her lap. She
looks down at her feet in the stirrups. Sadly, we notice a
perfect pedicure.
Dr. Harris comes in with a big smile.
59.
DR. HARRIS
Congratulations! What luck to get
pregnant on the first try, huh?
And with frozen sperm, too. So,
how are we feeling?
ZOE
(unconvincing)
Okay.
DR. HARRIS
You sure about that?
ZOE
It's been hard. I don't know if I
was really prepared for this.
DR. HARRIS
Well, your hormones aren't helping,
and going through this without a
partner must be difficult.
Dr. Harries readies the ultrasound wand and inserts the
device. He turns the monitor so that Zoe can see.
DR. HARRIS (CONT'D)
Well, the good news is everything
looks great. You are now eight
weeks pregnant, which is an
important milestone. With a little
luck, we should be able to see a
heartbeat today.
On the screen we see a small flickering dot. Dr. Harris
smiles.
ZOE
That's it? That's...my baby?
Saying these words out loud for the first time hits Zoe.
Tears fill her eyes.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Hi, Baby.
(then)
Is it okay? Is it healthy?
DR. HARRIS
Everything's just...
(makes a face, then)
Wait, a minute...
ZOE
What? Wait a minute, what?
60.
DR. HARRIS
Well...I see another heartbeat.
ZOE
(freaking out)
It has two hearts?
DR. HARRIS
No...but you have two babies.
Zoe's mouth falls open.
NT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - DAY
We're back at Single Women By Choice. The women are sitting
on the floor. Sara is still nursing Dakota. Zoe has her
head in her hands.
CAROL
Twins! That's fantastic!
Zoe bursts into tears.
LORI
Why are you crying? That's so
lucky.
ZOE
Yup. That's me. Lucky, lucky, me.
The women are sensing the sarcasm, but not getting it.
CAROL
Are you okay? Is it a financial
concern? There are many programs--
ZOE
No. I'm fairly loaded, actually.
Used to work for Google.
(blows nose)
I'm sorry. This is hard for me. I
don't know if I can talk about it
yet.
CAROL
Take your time. When you feel like
sharing, we're here for you. We're
all sisters here.
(then, to the group)
Let's give Zoe some space. When
she's ready to talk, we're ready to
listen. Deep, cleansing breaths,
Zoe.
61.
Carol takes a deep breath and then lets it out.
CAROL (CONT'D)
Now, in the meantime, does anyone
else have anything they want to
discuss? Problems? Concerns?
Tabitha, the tall woman with the nose ring, raises her hand.
TABITHA
I'm having a hard time. Luca keeps
asking why he doesn't have a daddy,
and I just don't know what--
ZOE
(blurting out)
There's this guy. His name is
Stan. And he's fantastic.
CAROL
I knew it!
TABITHA
Uh...wasn't I just speaking?
CAROL
I knew you were with that guy!
SARA
What guy?
LORI
Zoe, this group is called Single
Mother's By Choice.
ZOE
I know. I'm sorry--
TABITHA
Um, excuse me. What about Luca?
He's been really, really sad.
ZOE
(floodgates opening)
Have you ever met a guy and you get
butterflies and you think this is
the kind of man who could take care
of me forever? The kind of guy who
makes you re-examine everything?
Like, maybe I can be a stay-at-home
mom and be barefoot and pregnant.
The women stare blankly at Zoe.
62.
ZOE (CONT'D)
He actually lives on a farm! Plays
the banjo! Maybe I could learn to
sew and take care of the animals.
Like Laura Ingalls.
Even Dakota stops nursing and looks over at that one.
EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - LATER
The women file out. No one dares look at Zoe. It's very
awkward, although Zoe seems unaware. She turns to Carol.
ZOE
Carol, thank you. This has been
really helpful. Just getting it
all out and being with other women
who--
CAROL
I'm going to have to ask you not to
come back.
ZOE
What? Why?
CAROL
I don't think we can help you, and,
quite frankly, you're against
everything we stand for.
ZOE
But, I thought we were all sisters.
CAROL
No. Not you.
(then)
Do you know how long it took me to
conceive? Five years. I had three
miscarriages and spent every last
dime on in-vitro. And Dana? The
woman with the short hair?
ZOE
Which one?
CAROL
The one with the really short hair?
ZOE
Yeah, that doesn't really narrow it
down much.
63.
CAROL
She just flew to Memphis to watch
her baby being born. Seconds after
the birth, the birth mother changed
her mind and refused to give it up.
Zoe's face changes. She starts to get it.
CAROL (CONT'D)
So, as you can see, we are really
dedicated and choosing to be single
mothers, and you seem to be in a
slightly different place. You're
carrying two healthy babies, and
you have no idea how lucky you are.
ZOE
(after a beat)
You're right.
CAROL
I like you, Zoe. We all like you.
But you kind of need to figure out
where you are.
Zoe nods.
EXT. SHADYBROOK RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - DAY
Zoe and Nana are walking the loop around the courtyard. Zoe
looks terrible. Like she hasn't slept in days. They
complete a lap. Arthur gives them the double thumbs up sign.
NANA
That man is obsessed with my ass.
ZOE
I know. It's kind of upsetting.
NANA
He wants to take me on a cruise so
that we can finally tie the knot.
But, I don't know. What's the
hurry?
ZOE
You've been engaged for nine years.
NANA
No reason to rush into anything.
Nana looks over at Zoe. She sees the bags under her eyes.
64.
NANA (CONT'D)
You look terrible, dear.
ZOE
Thanks.
NANA
You must really love him, huh?
ZOE
I guess I do.
NANA
Honey, I'm sure he's wonderful, and
I'm sure he loves you, too. But,
you have put him in a really
awkward position. Having a baby is
a big adjustment for any couple.
And you're not married. And he's
not the father. And you've only
been together a little while. And
now you're having twins. And--
ZOE
Please stop.
NANA
I'm just saying, if he actually
wanted to stay with you right now,
he'd be the greatest man in the
world, and, quite frankly, I don't
think any man is that great.
They complete another lap around the courtyard. Arthur
smiles at them and then "raises the roof."
NANA (CONT'D)
Arthur's just about the best man I
know, and look at him. He's a
fucking idiot.
EXT. LITTLE GOAT FARM - DAY
Stan leans against the fence looking at the goats. He has
the beginnings of a beard growing. The scruff makes him look
older. Thinner.
Joan approaches and stands next to him for a bit.
JOAN
You know, people thought we were
crazy when we bought this farm.
(MORE)
65.
JOAN (CONT'D)
All of our friends in New York,
they thought we'd lost our minds.
Stan nods. We get the feeling he's heard this before.
JOAN (CONT'D)
I guess I'm saying that you may
have envisioned your life going one
way, but the reality is, it could
go a totally different direction.
You just have to be open to it.
Stan watches a nearby goat coaxing her baby to nurse. He
shrugs.
STAN
Having a baby with someone I barely
know, someone else's baby...it's
just not how I pictured it.
JOAN
I used to work on Wall Street. Now
I wear boots covered in goat shit.
This isn't how I pictured it,
either. But guess what...I'm
happy.
She gives him a sympathetic hug and walks away.
INT. STAN'S BEDROM - NIGHT
Stan lies in bed looking up at the "stars." There's even
less glow now than last time. He sighs and then turns over
to try and sleep.
ANGLE ON Nuts' off-road wheelchair in the corner of the room.
Stan looks at it and can't help but smile.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Zoe and Nuts lie in the bed. They are looking at each other
on the pillow. Zoe scratches behind his ears.
Zoe goes to the mirror and does her usual. The bump is
growing. For the first time, we see a smile.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - DAY
The Single Mother's By Choice women are sitting in their
usual circle. Lori is passing around a list.
66.
LORI
Make sure you put your numbers
down. I want to have everyone's
number handy in case I go into
labor early.
Zoe enters. All eyes turn. She waves sheepishly.
ZOE
Hi, guys.
No one knows what to say.
CAROL
Hi, Zoe.
ZOE
I just wanted to apologize. I'm
sorry I got into a relationship and
wasn't honest with you guys, and
I'm sorry I interrupted you,
Tabitha. I hope Luca is doing
better.
TABITHA
Thanks.
ZOE
(to Carol)
And I've thought a lot about what
you said, about how lucky I am. I
got into this whole situation
because I wanted to have a baby.
And, somehow, I lost sight of that.
(then)
Anyway, I need partners in this,
and I hope you'll take me back.
Lori smiles and hands her the piece of paper.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What's this?
LORI
It's a phone tree. I'm due next
month, but my midwife thinks I may
go sooner. I want everyone to be
there. Are you in?
Zoe smiles.
ZOE
I'm in.
67.
EXT. HUDSON STREET - DAY
Zoe has her head held high and her cute belly pushed out as
far as it will go.
A WOMAN with a double stroller approaches. Zoe smiles.
ZOE
Hi.
WOMAN
Hi.
TWIN TODDLERS
Hi./Hi.
Zoe walks on. She sees her reflection in a store window and
smiles. She looks like an actual pregnant person now. As
she is walking and smiling to herself, we hear a familiar
voice.
STAN
Hi.
Her P.O.V. Stan appears next to her in the reflection. For
a brief second, they look like a family.
Zoe turns. They both stop. Unsure of whether to hug or
what. They just stand there.
ZOE
Hi.
STAN
Hi.
ZOE
You said that already.
STAN
You...look great.
Zoe touches her belly. Proud but protective.
STAN (CONT'D)
How are you feeling?
ZOE
Okay.
STAN
Good.
A long silence.
68.
ZOE
You have a beard.
STAN
Yeah, it's awful isn't it.
ZOE
No.
STAN
Don't lie.
(then)
Did I tell you how pretty you look?
Zoe nods. Another silence.
STAN (CONT'D)
I miss you.
A group of SCHOOL KIDS, lost in their own conversations, push
up the block, separating Zoe and Stan for a moment. This
separation makes the moment all the more tense.
ZOE
I miss you, too.
STAN
This whole time we've been apart,
I've been trying to figure out what
it is about you that I love so
much. And I think that it's that a
lot of people talk about doing
things, but you actually do them.
You're really kind of daring. How
you quit your job and took over a
pet store all because some asshole
sold you a lame dog. You came and
found me at the Farmer's Market
even though the night before I
acted like a total stalker...
Zoe smiles at the memory. Stan continues.
STAN (CONT'D)
And now you're pregnant. Because
you wanted to have a baby and
didn't think you could wait any
longer. Well, that's just the same
kind of thing. It's...brave. And
I can't love you for being that way
but then walk away for the same
reason.
Stan takes her hands.
69.
STAN (CONT'D)
I love you. I've been waiting my
whole life for you. And I can't
let one little baby get in the way
of that. I just...can't.
ZOE
There's something I need to tell
you.
STAN
Okay.
ZOE
It's big. And you're allowed to
take all of this back when I tell
you.
STAN
What.
ZOE
It's not just one baby....I'm
having twins.
Stan looks at her. Is she joking? Her look says no. He
takes a beat. And then, even though it's not a joke, he
starts to laugh. A little laugh at first and then a big one.
And then, Zoe starts laughing too. The whole thing is just
so ridiculous.
STAN
This is insane.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
It's late. Zoe and Stan are naked in bed, lying face to
face. Stan puts his hand on her stomach. He feels the
little bump, new since he's last been with her.
STAN
Do you feel any kicking?
ZOE
Sometimes.
STAN
What does it feel like?
ZOE
Like butterflies.
70.
Stan smiles. He likes this image. He runs his hand over her
belly. Zoe moves in closer. Touches his cheek.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Are you really sure you want to do
this?
STAN
Yeah. I'm really sure.
They look at each other for a long time. Finally, Zoe closes
her eyes and settles in for sleep, with Stan watching her as
she dozes off.
INT. EXAM - ROOM
CU of a MONITOR where we see two distinct baby shapes
floating head-to-toe.
Dr. Harris holds the ultrasound wand to her belly. Stan
doesn't say anything. He looks on in total amazement.
ZOE
Are you okay?
STAN
They're so...perfect. They look
like real babies.
DR. HARRIS
Would you like to know the sexes?
They look at each other. Zoe smiles. Stan shrugs. Zoe
nods. Stan does, too.
ZOE
Yes. Tell us.
DR. HARRIS
You're having two healthy little
girls.
Stan gets tears in his eyes.
STAN
Two girls?
ZOE
Two girls.
DR. HARRIS
Congratulations.
71.
EXT. MADISON AVENUE - DAY
Stan and Zoe walk down Madison Avenue. All of the other NEW
YORKERS are on some kind of mission -- shopping, rushing to
meetings, or fighting for cabs.
But Zoe and Stan just walk slowly hand-in-hand. Every so
often looking at each other and just smiling or laughing.
Then, suddenly, Stan picks her up in the middle of the
street.
STAN
Two girls!
A WOMAN with a BABY in a Baby Bjorn passes by. Stan smiles.
Now he's part of this exclusive club.
STAN (CONT'D)
Hi.
WOMAN
Hi.
INT. UNION SQUARE CAFE - NIGHT
We PAN past several small plates of food on a table. A chef
tells us what delectable items we are looking at.
CHEF
Here we have a yellowtail sashimi
with ponzu sauce and pea shoots.
This is carpaccio with shaved white
truffles. And, finally, an
heirloom tomato salad with fresh
Buratta flown in from Italy this
morning.
STAN
Thanks, Sam. It looks incredible.
Sam tops off their champagne and exits. Stan picks up his
fork and starts eating. Zoe does not.
STAN (CONT'D)
Aren't you hungry?
ZOE
I can't eat any of this.
STAN
Why not?
72.
ZOE
(pointing to each dish)
Raw. Raw. Unpasteurized.
(re: champagne)
Alcohol.
STAN
Let me get Sam back. He'll make
you anything you want.
ZOE
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
You go ahead. I'm fine.
STAN
Well, what are you going to eat?
INT. MCDONALD'S - NIGHT
The CASHIER reads back Zoe's order.
CASHIER
Big Mac, Quarter Pounder with
cheese, four large fries, and a six
piece chicken McNuggets?
ZOE
Make that an eight, no, ten-piece
McNuggets.
(to Stan)
You'll have some, right?
STAN
No.
ZOE
(back to the cashier)
Ten-piece. Someone will eat them.
Stan stands behind Zoe with an incredulous look on his face.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Zoe and Stan lie in bed, each reading a copy of "What to
Expect when You're Expecting."
Zoe has the McNuggets box on her chest. She dips each nugget
in three different sauces and then takes a bite. Stan
watches with a mixture of amusement and revulsion.
73.
ZOE
(re: book)
Have you gotten to page 79 yet?
STAN
No. I stopped reading when you
ripped out one of my pages and used
it as a napkin.
ZOE
Says here many women in the second
trimester experience an increased
sexual appetite.
STAN
Really?
Zoe smiles and then slowly triple dunks another McNugget.
She takes a seductive bite.
STAN (CONT'D)
Are you coming on to me? It's kind
of hard to tell right now.
ZOE
Yeah. I'm coming on to you.
Zoe throws the McNuggets on the floor and climbs on top of
him. She puts his hands on her body and then starts to kiss
him voraciously. After a beat, Stan stops.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What?
STAN
You have chicken in your hair.
INT. EQUINOX GYM - DAY
Zoe and Mona are on the elliptical machines. Zoe is going
very fast, while Mona is barely going at all.
MONA
Why are you even working out? This
is the one time in your life you're
allowed to let it go.
ZOE
Because look at me. I just keep
getting bigger and bigger.
74.
MONA
Well, yeah. That's kind of how it
goes.
ZOE
I'm afraid I'm going to scare him
away. I'm like one of those giant
bouncy castles. Soon I'm going to
take over the whole back yard.
MONA
Come on. He loves you for you.
ZOE
I'm just getting kind of freaked
out by everything. He asked me to
go to this wedding with him. What
kind of first impression am I going
to make on all of his friends?
MONA
Well, you're knocked up with some
stranger's twins. So, already
you're not exactly...
ZOE
Not helping.
MONA
Do you have anything to wear at
least?
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Stan, dressed in a tux, sits on Zoe's bed. He turns to the
closet.
STAN
Everything okay in there?
A cocktail dress FLIES out and hits him in the head.
STAN (CONT'D)
Never mind.
He waits a few beats. Another dress FLIES out.
ZOE (O.S.)
This SUCKS!!!
STAN
Honey, whatever you wear is fine.
75.
ZOE (O.S.)
I don't have anything to wear!
That's the problem.
Another dress sails through the air.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Fuuuuuuck!
STAN
You always look great. I've never
seen you not look great.
Stan goes to the closet. Zoe is pulling on a long black
dress. She tries to smush her boobs down into the top.
STAN (CONT'D)
That's perfect. You look hot.
ZOE
Really? You think?
Zoe turns to reveal the back. The two sides of the zipper
are ten inches apart.
STAN
Do you have a shawl or something?
Zoe bursts into tears.
EXT. PERRY STREET - LATER
A cab pulls up in front of Zoe's brownstone. Stan opens the
door for Zoe who is now wearing a long silver dress. While
it's certainly hugging every curve and bump, it looks great.
STAN
You look smokin'.
ZOE
Thanks, honey.
Zoe pauses in front of the open taxi door.
STAN
Let's go. We're super late.
She tries to bend at the waist, but the dress is too tight.
Then she tries to go in butt first and swing her legs around,
but again, the dress is too tight.
ZOE
Hmmmm...
76.
STAN
Why don't you sort of go in...head
first and then turn around.
Zoe leans her head in and then has no other choice but to lie
down sideways on the seat. Stan tries not to laugh.
ZOE
Shut up and push me.
STAN
Push you?
ZOE
Just do it.
Stan pushes her legs, and Zoe disappears inside the cab.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
Zoe lies down straight across the seats like a board.
ZOE
I hate everyone.
She sucks in her breath and tries to sit up. As soon as she
bends at the waist, we hear a horrific RIP. She bursts into
tears again.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - LATER
We PAN over the coffee table. There's a pint of melty Ben
and Jerry's, a roll of cookie dough (half eaten,) US Weekly,
and The National Enquirer.
Zoe and Bobby lie on the floor looking at the ceiling.
ZOE
Do you think he's telling everyone
why I didn't go? I'm too much of a
fat-ass walrus to go to the
wedding?
BOBBY
You're not a fat ass walrus.
You're pregnant.
Zoe eyes well up with tears again.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
Why are you crying? So what? You
missed a stupid wedding.
(MORE)
77.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
You got to have girls' night with
me. This is way more fun.
ZOE
I don't know. I'm just so
emotional lately. It's the
hormones.
BOBBY
You can't help it. Being pregnant
sucks. You're emotional, and
irrational, and you get back fat.
ZOE
I have back fat?
BOBBY
No. I'm just kidding.
(then)
Okay, yes. You have back fat.
Zoe feels her back.
ZOE
How's Stan going to stay with me
through this? I'm disgusting.
BOBBY
We'll go shopping tomorrow. We'll
get some hip maternity clothes...
whatever that means.
ZOE
Look at me, Bobby.
BOBBY
What?
ZOE
(pinching back fat)
Look at me. What do you see?
BOBBY
I see the most amazingly wonderful
person I know.
Zoe smiles. Tears come to her eyes again.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
With back fat.
78.
INT. PUCK BUILDING - NIGHT
Stan leans against the bar with a beer in hand. He is
watching all of the Farmer's Market girls and his co-worker,
Fred, on the dance floor. Everyone looks drunk and happy.
Olivia stumbles towards him with an empty glass of champagne.
OLIVIA
Why aren't you dancing?
STAN
I'm just about to go. It's late.
OLIVIA
Come on, one dance.
The spaghetti strap of her dress falls over her shoulder.
Stan notices. She steps in closer.
OLIVIA (CONT'D)
For old time's sake.
STAN
I have a girlfriend, Olivia.
OLIVIA
Never stopped you before.
She tries to kiss him. Stan steps away.
STAN
It's serious this time.
Olivia pulls back, surprised.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - LATER
Zoe is asleep in the bed. Her bump looks very cute under the
covers. Stan quietly gets ready for bed. She turns to him,
half asleep.
ZOE
How was it?
STAN
Boring.
ZOE
Good.
Stan gets in bed next to her. Zoe scoots into him.
79.
ZOE (CONT'D)
I miss my old ass.
STAN
Excuse me?
ZOE
It was one of my best features.
STAN
You know what's weird? I never
knew your old ass.
ZOE
It's kind of like this ass but way
hotter.
STAN
I also don't know what you really
like to eat and what's just a
craving, or when you start laughing
hysterically and then crying and
you say, this isn't me, if that's
true because I don't really know
the real you. All I know is the
pregnant you.
ZOE
That is weird.
STAN
Or like how you're horny all the
time? Is that you? Or is that
pregnant you?
ZOE
(lying)
That's me.
STAN
When all of this is over, who will
you be?
ZOE
Hopefully, myself again.
STAN
But...who is that?
80.
INT. ZOE'S BEDROOM - LATER
The clock by the bed says 2:30 a.m. Stan is snoring
slightly. Nuts is on the pillow beside him. Zoe's side is
empty.
INT. ZOE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Zoe sits on the floor of the living room sifting through a
box of photographs.
We FOLLOW her back into the bedroom and onto the bed. As
Stan slowly opens his eyes, she holds up a photograph.
His P.O.V. It's a picture of a woman's ass.
ZOE
This is my old ass.
Stan blinks a few times. His eyes adjusting.
STAN
Why do you have a picture of your
ass?
ZOE
My college boyfriend took it. So,
I guess in fairness, my ass doesn't
look exactly like this anymore, but
it's pretty close. It's held up.
STAN
It's a nice ass.
ZOE
You said you don't know the real
me, so I thought I'd show you.
She picks up another photograph. This one is of Zoe at
twelve and at her most awkward -- short hair, braces and
acne.
ZOE (CONT'D)
This is me in seventh grade.
Stan props himself up in one elbow.
STAN
Wow.
ZOE
I know.
81.
STAN
You look like Anthony Michael Hall.
ZOE
This period, as horrible as it was,
made me who I am. I think every
person should go through a
hideously ugly phase. It builds
character.
(then)
It also taught me that I should
never, under any circumstances,
have short hair and a perm again.
She picks up another picture. It's Zoe in a bathing cap and
Speedo. She's holding up a yellow ribbon and has her arm
around Nana.
ZOE (CONT'D)
This is one of my favorites because
look how happy I am. I don't even
know what place yellow is, but I'm
sure it's not good.
STAN
Fifth place.
ZOE
But I still look super happy,
right? That's all because of Nana.
Whatever I did, she thought it was
the best.
The next picture is a Halloween shot of Bobby, Mona and Zoe.
Bobby is all in green, Zoe is all in yellow and Mona is in
regular clothes.
ZOE (CONT'D)
These are my best friends, Bobby
and Mona. Mona and I met in high
school and Bobby passed out on my
couch in college and never left.
You haven't met them yet because
they might scare you away.
STAN
Why are you dressed like that?
ZOE
Halloween. We were supposed to be
a traffic light but Mona bagged out
at the last minute and so Bobby and
I just look like idiots. That's
typical Mona, by the way.
82.
Zoe puts the picture down and picks up another. It's a woman
in a hospital bed. She's giving the thumbs up sign.
ZOE (CONT'D)
This is my mom.
Stan takes the picture and studies it.
STAN
You look just like her.
ZOE
This is the last picture of her
that I have. She lived for a few
more years, but we never took any
pictures because she didn't want us
to remember her like that. I was
eight when she died.
STAN
I...can't imagine.
ZOE
She had a great laugh. And really
soft hands. She used to rub my
back before I went to sleep.
Zoe puts the picture on the bedside table, propping it up
next to her clock.
STAN
Do you have any pictures of your
dad?
Zoe doesn't say anything.
STAN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. If you don't want to
talk about it...
ZOE
My mother was in a coma for two
years before the end. That's when
my dad left her.
STAN
Oh.
ZOE
So...that's when he died. To us,
anyway.
STAN
God, Zoe. I'm so sorry.
83.
ZOE
(after a beat)
It's okay. It was an important
lesson. That's when I realized
that nothing lasts forever.
This sad statement hangs in the air for a few moments.
ZOE (CONT'D)
So, that's my story. That's the
real me.
STAN
Things can last forever, you know.
ZOE
Not for me they can't.
Stan takes her hand, and they stay like that for a while.
Just holding hands on the floor of her moonlit room.
Finally, the silence is broken by the telephone RINGING.
ZOE (CONT'D)
That's weird.
INT. LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT
Zoe and Stan enter the lobby of an old building in Tribeca.
STAN
I'm confused. Why did you say you
would come witness this birth in
the first place?
ZOE
I don't know. Seemed like a good
idea at the time. I was trying to
get back in their good graces. Go
home. I'll meet you there. I
don't want them to see you anyway.
STAN
It's four in the morning. I'm not
letting you walk home alone.
ZOE
Fine. I'll just pop in, show my
face and leave. Ten minutes, tops.
84.
INT. LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
There are candles everywhere and a table of food and drinks.
Kind of like a birthing cocktail party. Zoe eats a brownie.
Carol approaches with Lori, who is wearing a caftan and
rubbing her large stomach. They all hug.
CAROL
Zoe, it's so nice of you to come,
especially at this crazy hour.
LORI
You're really one of us now.
ZOE
Are you sure you're in labor?
You're so calm.
LORI
Oh, I'm sure.
ZOE
Well, I just wanted to come and say
a quick hi and good luck.
LORI
You're not staying?
CAROL
You have to stay. Lori wants us
all to be together for this.
ZOE
Well, I really want to be here
but...um, the truth is...actually
I've been wanting to tell you guys
for a while but, the truth is...
Lori drops her head on Zoe's shoulder and lets out a giant
MOAN. It's long and it's awkward.
CAROL
(whispering)
She's having a contraction.
Zoe nods. This is weird. Lori breathes through it.
LORI
Okay. What was it you were saying?
ZOE
I'm back with Stan.
85.
LORI
Stan who?
CAROL
The farmer?
ZOE
Actually, he makes cheese. He
named a cheese after me. Isn't
that romantic? Sort of?
(off their blank stares)
Well, anyway, I'm not technically a
single mother by choice anymore.
So, if you want me to leave right
now, I totally understand. I'll
just walk out the door and--
LORI
No, I really want you to stay.
ZOE
(bummed)
Oh.
CAROL
Listen, Zoe, if you're happy, we're
happy. We'd love to meet him.
Bring him to group any time.
ZOE
Well, actually, he's downstairs, so
I should probably get back to--
LORI
Great. Invite him up.
ZOE
Oh, no, no, no...
LORI
I'm not shy. I've been through
this before. It's quite beautiful,
really.
Zoe stands there trying to come up with another excuse.
After a few moments, it's clear that she cannot.
INT. LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
Stan looks up from the Hunan Lotus take-out menu he's been
reading to pass the time.
86.
STAN
Excuse me?
ZOE
Just a few minutes.
STAN
I don't know, Zoe.
ZOE
You have to come up. They begged
me. And truthfully, I'm kind of
scared of them. Please?
INT. LORI'S APARTMENT - LATER
Zoe and Stan hover over the dessert table. They both eat
brownies and keep their eyes down. Sara is next to them
nursing Dakota.
STAN
This is weird.
ZOE
Good brownies, though. This one
has peanut butter in it.
Carol walks by with a little DRUM, which she bangs
rhythmically.
CAROL
Come on everybody, it's time.
She's getting into the water.
STAN
The what?
CAROL
Oh, it's a water birth. Didn't Zoe
tell you?
Carol starts banging the drum again and moves off.
STAN
What's a water birth?
ZOE
I don't know. But just so we're
clear, this...
(re. the whole scene)
Is not the real me.
87.
STAN
I'll wait here.
Zoe grabs another brownie and exits.
INT. LORI'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
In the middle of this very small, very cramped living room is
an inflatable baby pool. And in this baby pool is Lori, who
is now naked and pushing.
Zoe watches, horrified, the brownie still in her hand. Carol
is beside her, playing the drum and chanting.
CAROL
Hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-hi-ya-ya.
ZOE
(eyes wide)
Wow. Wow. Wow.
CAROL
I know. It's amazing how the body
can open up like that.
Zoe covers her mouth. It looks like she is going to throw
up. She stumbles for the door.
ZOE
I'm just going to get some air.
I'm feeling a little...
LORI
Don't move, Zoe, you're my focal
point.
Lori then GRUNTS through another big contraction.
MIDWIFE
Push, Lori. Push.
While Lori's eyes are closed, Zoe tries to sneak out. Carol
chases after, still beating the drum.
CAROL
You can't leave. You're her focal
point.
ZOE
Can't she use someone else?
88.
CAROL
She's in labor. You want to argue
with her now?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LORI'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Carol beats the drum faster now. Some of the other Single
Mothers by Choicers join her in the chant.
CAROL
Hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-hi-ya-ya.
Lori lets out a SCREAM as Tabitha and the MIDWIFE pull her
legs back. Zoe watches with both hands over her mouth.
ZOE
Oh, Jesus.
(then)
What is...that?
CAROL
Sssshh. It's perfectly natural.
Sometimes the bowels just let go.
(then, back to chanting)
Hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-hi-ya-ya.
The midwife fishes out the poop with a plastic bag. Zoe
turns away, gagging. She drops her brownie.
LORI
(yelling)
Don't move, Zoe, I need you!
You're my focal point.
ZOE
What does that even mean?
Zoe turns back. Her face white as a sheet. Lori lets out
another WAIL.
LORI
I need to turn over. Please!
JESSIE
Do it, Lori. We're here for you.
We're all here for you.
Carol beats the drum faster as Lori gets on all fours. The
midwife lifts Lori's leg up to the side. Lori lets out a
loud, WHALE-LIKE MOAN.
89.
CAROL
(excited)
Here comes the head.
Lori's moan turns into a DONKEY-LIKE BRAY.
JESSIE
We can see the head, Lori.
CAROL
There's so much hair!
ZOE
(woozy, afraid)
I don't think that's the baby's
hair.
LORI
I want to see the head. Get me a
mirror. It's in the bedroom.
ZOE
I'll get it.
Zoe makes a desperate attempt to run from the room.
LORI
GOD DAMN IT ZOE, DON'T MOVE!!!!
INT. LORI'S FOYER - SAME
Out in the foyer, Stan is paralyzed. Next to him is Dakota,
who is crying.
Through the hallway mirror, he can see what's going on in the
living room: a hefty woman on all fours in a dirty inflatable
swimming pool with a hairy head coming out of a hairy vag.
CAROL (O.S.)
Stan, get the mirror!
INT. LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Stan, walks backwards with his head down, holding a mirror.
STAN
Excuse me. Hello. I'm Stan.
Excuse me. Hi. I'm Stan.
Carol grabs the mirror and holds it under Lori. Lori lifts
her leg like a dog taking a piss and then starts to cry.
90.
LORI
Look at all that wet, curly hair.
Stan steals a look, starts to dry heave and rushes to Zoe.
STAN
(freaking out)
Let's get the hell out of here.
ZOE
I can't. I'm her focal point.
STAN
What does that mean?
ZOE
I don't know.
Suddenly, we hear a huge SCREAM.
Zoe and Stan turn just in time to see the baby emerge and
plop into the water.
CU of the baby in the dirty water still attached to the
umbilical cord.
CU of Zoe and Stan's horrified faces.
Zoe's eyes roll back and we:
FADE TO BLACK.
OVER BLACK we hear silence. Blessed silence. No drums. No
chants. No screams. Nothing. Until, we hear the SPLASH.
INT. LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
We are CLOSE on Zoe's face. She opens her eyes. Blinks a
few times.
STAN
Are you okay?
ZOE
I don't know. Why am I wet?
WIDEN to reveal that Zoe is lying in the inflatable pool.
Her eyes go from side to side. The horror of the situation
becoming clear. A spongy, purple thing floats by.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What is that?
91.
STAN
(afraid)
I think it's the placenta.
Zoe's eyes roll back again and we...
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. 14TH STREET - DAY
14th street is just coming to life as the FARMERS start to
unload their wares.
Zoe and Stan head up the street slowly, wearily, like
soldiers back from battle.
ZOE
Wow. We really shouldn't have seen
that.
STAN
No.
ZOE
I did mention that I barely know
those people, right?
STAN
Like forty times.
ZOE
I feel the need to say it again.
They turn into the Farmer's Market.
ANGLE ON Fred unloading cheese from the back of the Little
Goat truck. Stan and Zoe slowly walk towards him.
STAN
It won't be like that for us.
ZOE
How do you know?
STAN
Well, for starters, you wax.
ANGLE ON Olivia crossing from her berry stand to the cheese
stand with a blueberry pie. She is about to place the pie on
Stan's table when she looks up and sees Stan and Zoe.
OLIVIA
Oh, hi.
92.
STAN
Hi.
(awkward beat, then)
You remember Zoe.
OLIVIA
Right, hi.
And then Olivia notices Zoe's pregnant belly.
OLIVIA (CONT'D)
Wow.
(then, to Stan)
Wow.
At the same time, Zoe notices the post-it on the pie. It
says, SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
ZOE
What is that supposed to mean?
OLIVIA
It's nothing.
Olivia crumples the post-it and turns to Stan.
OLIVIA (CONT'D)
(re. Zoe's pregnant belly)
I had no idea it was that serious.
STAN
I told you it was serious.
ZOE
(interrupting)
What the hell does, "sorry about
last night" mean?
OLIVIA
It's stupid. I was drunk and...
STAN
It was nothing.
ZOE
What was nothing?
Olivia turns back to Stan, flabbergasted.
OLIVIA
You're having a baby? I didn't
know you'd been together that long.
93.
STAN
Well, they're not mine...but, yeah,
we're having a baby. Two actually.
On Zoe's look of shock we...
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMER'S MARKET - MOMENTS LATER
The fruits and vegetables and flowers become a blur as Zoe
runs out of the Farmer's Market. Stan chases after her.
STAN
Nothing happened.
ZOE
Get away from me.
Stan runs in front of her, forcing her to stop.
STAN
Nothing happened!
ZOE
You said, "they're not mine."
STAN
I didn't mean to say it.
ZOE
How could you say that?
STAN
I don't know. I was flustered.
ZOE
Flustered?
STAN
I'm sorry, I'm not exactly thinking
straight. I've been up all night
watching Orca give birth!
ZOE
(incredulous)
"They're not mine?"
STAN
(at a loss )
Well, I mean...technically, they're
not.
94.
The minute he says this, he wishes he could take it back.
Zoe just looks at him. She shakes her head.
ZOE
You know, all this time you're
trying to figure out who the real
me is, but who the fuck are you?
STAN
Zoe.
She runs to a nearby cab and slams the door.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Zoe enters the apartment and slams the door behind her. She
runs to the couch and collapses in tears. Nuts wheels over
and stands beside her.
INT. LE PAIN QUOTIDIEN - DAY
Zoe and Mona are at their usual table. Zoe looks like she
hasn't slept.
MONA
Do you really think something
happened with the berry girl? They
both said nothing happened.
ZOE
Well, are they going to come out
and tell me? And that's not even
the point. He said, the babies
weren't his. And if he says that,
he thinks that. And if he thinks
that, he's not really committed.
MONA
So, now you run?
ZOE
Why should I stick around for the
end of the story when I know what
it's going to be?
Mona says nothing. She looks like she might say something
and then doesn't.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What? If you want to say
something, say it.
95.
MONA
Do you know the end of the story?
Can't you just give him the benefit
of the doubt? He seems like such a
good guy.
ZOE
You haven't even met him.
MONA
Yeah, and don't think I don't know
the reason for that. You were
never going to see this through,
Zoe. Never. It was doomed before
it began. Just like all of your
relationships. You get out before
you get hurt.
ZOE
You don't think I'm hurt right now?
MONA
Every man is not your father. When
are you going to realize that?
ZOE
You don't know what you're talking
about.
MONA
I've known you for thirty years. I
know you don't trust people. You
and your grandmother, both. She's
been engaged to Arthur for how long
now?
ZOE
Leave Nana out of this.
MONA
She's never going to marry him.
Just like you'd never marry Stan.
No wonder you ended up with a sperm
donor. He'll never let you down.
It's your ideal boyfriend.
Zoe's face changes. She looks incredibly hurt.
ZOE
I used a donor because I wanted a
baby.
MONA
I'm sorry. I went too far.
96.
ZOE
Because I wanted to have a family.
Because Nana is the only one I've
got and she's eighty-four years
old. And then it will just be me.
So, yeah, you went a little too
far.
Zoe leaves Mona at the table.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Zoe and Nuts lie on the pillow together. Zoe scratches
behind his ears.
ZOE
Guess it's just you and me again.
Nuts licks her face. She gets out of bed and goes to check
her belly in the mirror. It's actually getting kind of huge.
EXT. ZOE'S BROWNSTONE - DAY
Zoe walks down the steps. Stan is waiting for her on the
sidewalk. His hands in his pockets.
ZOE
What.
STAN
It's Thursday. We have a doctor's
appointment.
ZOE
There is no "we", Stan.
STAN
Come on, I didn't mean to say it,
and that's not how I feel.
Zoe shakes her head.
ZOE
I made a mistake trusting you.
STAN
Don't say that. That's not true.
ZOE
You're not good for me. You made
me think I needed you, and I don't.
97.
STAN
So that's it? Because of one
stupid, asinine thing that I said,
it's all over? This is how it
ends?
ZOE
Yes. This is how it ends.
(then)
I don't know why you're so
surprised. I told you, nothing
lasts forever.
Zoe gives him a matter-of-fact shrug and walks off.
INT. DR. HARRIS' OFFICE - DAY
Dr. Harris moves the ultrasound wand over Zoe's belly. Zoe
holds up her shirt and watches the monitor.
DR. HARRIS
Things look great.
ZOE
Good.
DR. HARRIS
So, I'll see you back in two weeks,
and we'll start checking to see if
the babies are dropping.
ZOE
It's hard to believe we're in the
home stretch.
Dr. Harris helps Zoe sit up.
DR. HARRIS
Now's the time I start discussing a
birthing plan with my patients. Do
you want me to wait until next time
when Stan's here?
ZOE
Oh. Uh, no. He won't be here.
DR. HARRIS
He's out of town or something?
ZOE
No. He's just...out.
98.
DR. HARRIS
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.
ZOE
It's back to just you and me now.
We've come full circle.
DR. HARRIS
Well, don't you want anyone with
you in the delivery room? You
know, like a birthing partner?
INT. SHADYBROOK COURTYARD - DAY
Zoe and Nana are speed-walking. Nana stops, excited.
NANA
Me?
ZOE
Yeah. Is that okay?
NANA
Of course.
ZOE
Good. `Cause you're all I've got.
NANA
What do I have to do?
ZOE
I don't know. It will be a
c-section, so, basically, just
stand there and try not to faint.
NANA
I can do that.
ZOE
Thanks, Nana. It means a lot to me
that you'll be there.
NANA
Are you kidding me? I've been
waiting my whole life for this.
They pass Arthur, who is in his usual spot, but instead of
leering at Nana, he's in his chair with his head back and
eyes closed.
ZOE
Holy shit, is he dead?
99.
NANA
Sleeping.
ZOE
How can you tell?
NANA
He's been like that all morning. I
wore him out last night.
ZOE
Wow. I did not need to know that.
NANA
We were celebrating.
(with a smile)
We finally set a date.
Zoe stops dead in her tracks.
ZOE
Excuse me?
INT. SHADYBROOK DINING ROOM - DAY
Nana walks Zoe through the Shadybrook dining room.
NANA
So, we'll put the band here and the
dance floor right here.
ZOE
I can't believe you're getting
married. What made you change your
mind?
NANA
All of a sudden it just hit me,
what am I waiting for? I love him.
He loves me. What am I so afraid
of?
ZOE
Wow. This is...really big news.
NANA
You don't seem happy.
ZOE
No, I am. It's just...it just
makes my situation seem all the
more tragic. You're getting
married and here I am...
100.
Her voice trails off.
NANA
Zoe.
ZOE
Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm really
happy for you.
NANA
I'm worried about you, honey.
ZOE
I'm fine.
NANA
I just don't want you to make the
same mistakes I made. I've been
alone for over thirty years now,
and that's too long. Sometimes in
life you have to forgive and move
on.
ZOE
Are you talking about my father or
Stan?
NANA
Both, baby.
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Zoe has her box of photographs. She pulls out a picture from
the very bottom.
NANA (V.O.)
Because if you don't learn how to
forgive, you will always be stuck
in the past.
The photo is Zoe at age four and a man who looks so much like
her, that it can only be her father.
After a long beat, she puts it on her bedside table, next to
the one of her mother. The two pictures, side-by-side make
up a family. Zoe and her father in one shot and her mother
from the hospital bed giving the thumbs up sign in the other.
Over this image, we hear a quartet playing WEDDING MUSIC.
101.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
The music takes us into the church and there we find Nana,
lovely in her wedding gown, and Arthur, dashing in his
morning suit, standing at the alter holding hands. Both have
tears in their eyes. Arthur lifts her veil and gives her the
sweetest kiss.
ANGLE ON Zoe and Bobby in the first pew, passing a
handkerchief back and forth.
INT. SHADYBROOK REC ROOM - LATER
Bobby leans against the piano singing a beautiful rendition
of "What a Wonderful World."
Nana and Arthur are alone on the dance floor. It's their
first dance as husband and wife.
BOBBY
(singing)
I see trees of green, red roses
too. I see them bloom for me and
you...
Zoe watches, her hands on her belly. Mona stands beside her.
MONA
This song always makes me cry.
ZOE
Me, too.
MONA
Is it happy or sad? The words are
happy but the song is so sad.
ZOE
I guess it's both. Happy and sad.
BOBBY
(singing)
I see skies of blue and clouds of
white. The bright blessed day, the
dark and sacred night...
MONA
I'm sorry about the things I said.
ZOE
I know.
102.
MONA
It was really shitty of me.
ZOE
It was. Especially because you
were right.
Mona takes Zoe's hand.
BOBBY
(singing)
And I think to myself...what a
wonderful world...
ZOE
I don't want to be alone forever,
Mona.
MONA
Then don't be.
EXT. FARMER'S MARKET - DAY
Stan stares off into space. His beard is back. A CUSTOMER
surveys the different cheeses on the table.
CUSTOMER
Is this new? The Zoe?
STAN
Yeah. This is the first week it's
been out.
CUSTOMER
Can I have a sample? What's it
like?
STAN
It's...very stubborn, overly
suspicious and distrustful of men.
The customer looks up at Stan.
CUSTOMER
Huh?
INT. SHADYBROOK REC ROOM - LATER
Bobby pulls Zoe onto the dance floor.
BOBBY
Come on, you old maid.
103.
ZOE
No.
BOBBY
Dance with me. One dance.
ZOE
Forget it.
BOBBY
Fine. But it doesn't mean that I
won't dance with you.
ZOE
What?
Bobby starts dancing. But really dancing. Justin Timberlake
style. Zoe smiles at the absurdity and then tries to walk
away. But Bobby won't let her escape. He blocks her path
and keeps dancing. This time turning around and shaking his
ass triple-time, like Beyonce.
BOBBY
Haaaaaay.
ZOE
Go away, you freak.
A crowd of old people gather round. They start clapping,
thinking this is some kind of young person's dance routine.
BOBBY
Smack it, Bitch.
Bobby takes Zoe's hand and smacks his ass with it.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
You know you love it. Uh-huh.
That's right. Smack it.
The old people do the same. Trying to learn the hip new
dance the kids are doing. Several octogenarian couples
smacking each other's asses.
While this is happening, a weird look crosses Zoe's face.
Bobby jumps up and turns around to face Zoe. But when he
lands on the ground, his feet slide out from under him and he
hits the floor.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
What the hell?
An OLD MAN in the crowd looks down at the puddle.
104.
OLD MAN
Damn it. Not again.
(then, checks pants)
Nope. Not me.
A few other old people look down and check themselves. At
which point, Zoe looks down and realizes.
ZOE
I think my water just broke.
EXT. SHADYBROOK RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
The whole retirement community is outside throwing rice as
Zoe, Bobby, Mona, Nana and Arthur try to figure out the
logistics of the trip to the hospital.
ZOE
I'll drive.
NANA
You're in labor. You can't drive.
ARTHUR
I'll drive.
NANA
You don't have a car or a license.
(then, to Bobby)
You drive.
BOBBY
We're in Queens. I don't even know
what side of the road they drive on
here.
ZOE
Will someone please just drive me
to the fucking hospital?
All of a sudden, a white ROLLS ROYCE pulls up. Mona's at the
wheel. She leans out and waves.
MONA
This was my surprise for after the
wedding, but let's hit it.
BOBBY
This works.
They all pile in.
105.
And then the car pulls off, revealing a sign that says, JUST
MARRIED...FINALLY! "Ensure" cans tied to strings bump along
behind them.
INT. ROLLS ROYCE - LATER
Things are a bit frantic in the car.
NANA
Are you okay? Remember to breathe.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe
in.
Mona looks at Zoe in the rearview and does Lamaze breaths.
MONA
Hee-hee, hoo-hoo, hee-hee.
NANA
(joining in)
Hoo-hoo. Hee-hee...
MONA/NANA
Hoo-hoo. Hee-hee...
ZOE
Please stop. It's getting really
breathy in here. I'm fine.
BOBBY
What about me? I have amniotic
fluid on my Gucci tux.
ANGLE on the mini bar, which is fully stocked.
ARTHUR
Who needs a drink?
Everyone (including Zoe) raises their hands.
INT. LENOX HILL HOSPITAL - DAY
Zoe is being wheeled into Labor and Delivery with the gang in
tow. Bobby still has a glass of champagne in his hand. Nana
grabs the glass and swigs it.
NANA
(whispering)
Bobby...
BOBBY
What?
106.
NANA
I don't know if I can do this.
BOBBY
What?!
NANA
I can't go in with her.
BOBBY
Well, I certainly can't do it. I
don't do vaginas.
They look at Arthur, who struggles to keep up with his
walker.
ARTHUR
Don't look at me.
Nana starts to hyperventilate.
NANA
Help me, Bobby.
BOBBY
Nana, pull yourself together. This
is the biggest moment of Zoe's
life, and you can't let her down.
I'd slap you right now, but I'm
afraid your teeth would fly out.
INT. LABOR AND DELIVERY ROOM - DAY
Zoe is now alone in a room wearing a hospital gown.
ZOE
Hee-hee, hoo-hoo, hee-hee, hoo-hee.
Bobby enters, all sweetness and light.
BOBBY
Hey, girl. How ya doing?
ZOE
Okay.
BOBBY
Good.
(smiles, then)
So, I really don't want you to
worry, but Nana just passed out at
the nurse's station and is now down
in the ER getting stitches.
107.
ZOE
What???
BOBBY
Everything's under control. Good
thing we're at the hospital, right?
Zoe jumps out of bed.
ZOE
Where is she?
BOBBY
Get back in bed. All is well.
Arthur's with her. Now, on to
bigger and better...who do you want
to be your birthing partner? Your
choices are me or Mona.
Zoe starts to cry.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
I know. They're shitty choices.
Do you want me to call your scary
lesbian friends from your group?
ZOE
I don't know.
BOBBY
We're going to get through this,
okay? You just have to really
think about it. Who do you want
with you in the delivery room?
Zoe wipes her tears.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
Who is the one person you want by
your side?
EXT. 77TH STREET - DAY
Zoe runs down the street with a blanket over her hospital
gown.
ZOE
Taxi!
INT. TAXI - MOMENTS LATER
Zoe jumps in. The cabbie looks at her in the rearview mirror
108.
CABBIE
You're not an escaped mental
patient, are you?
ZOE
Kind of.
EXT. 14TH STREET - DAY
Zoe runs across 14th street. The blanket flaps behind her
like a cape. She looks like a hugely pregnant super-hero.
And suddenly, she has to slow down and then stop completely
for a contraction. She leans against a parked van to steady
herself.
ZOE
Ow. Son of a bitch, that hurts.
OLIVIA
Are you okay?
Out of the corner of her eye, Zoe sees an enormous strawberry
on the side of the van. And then next to it, she sees
Olivia.
OLIVIA (CONT'D)
Are you in labor?
As soon as the contraction ends...
ZOE
Fuck off.
Zoe takes off again. Olivia watches her go.
EXT. FARMER'S MARKET - LATER
Zoe runs through the market looking for Stan.
ANGLE ON Stan's truck, where Stan and Fred are unloading
cheese.
ZOE
Stan!
Fred turns around and sees Zoe running. All belly and boobs
bouncing towards him. Her gown starting falling off.
FRED
Whoa. I've had nightmares that
started like this.
109.
ZOE
Stan!
Stan turns.
STAN
Zoe?
ZOE
Stan!
STAN
Are you okay? Don't run!
ZOE
I can't help it!
She keeps running towards him. He now runs towards her.
They finally meet. Zoe is out of breath and can barely talk.
STAN
Are you all right?
ZOE
(panting)
Great. I'm great.
STAN
Why are you in a hospital gown?
ZOE
I'm in labor.
STAN
What? What the hell are you doing
here?
ZOE
It's you.
STAN
What?
ZOE
Nana's my birthing partner, but she
passed out and needed stitches, and
Bobby asked me who I most wanted
with me, and...it's you. It's only
you.
(then)
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I love you. You don't know how
much I love you.
110.
Stan doesn't know what to say. He's literally speechless.
ZOE (CONT'D)
More than anything in the world, I
love you.
STAN
I've been in love with you since
the moment you stole my cab.
Zoe bends over, holding her stomach. A contraction.
ZOE
Hee-hee, hoo-hoo, it was my cab,
hee-hee, hoo-hoo.
The contraction ends. Zoe can finally smile again. Stan
laughs and throws his arms around her.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Ow. Ow. Ow.
STAN
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I just
love you. I love you so much.
(then)
Let's get the hell out of here.
ZOE
Yeah. I think I really need to go
to the hospital now.
They kiss again. And then pull apart and look at each other.
Stan has tears in his eyes.
STAN
Let's go have our babies.
People clap and cheer as they hurry out of the Farmer's
Market. Even Olivia, watching from a distance, can't help
but applaud the big moment.
INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
Some fantastic song that makes us want to cry is playing...
We are CLOSE on Zoe's face. She is smiling. She does not
look scared. And she does not look alone.
WIDEN to reveal Stan by her side.
111.
And we PULL BACK and above the operating table and see Dr.
Harris performing the C-section. He pulls out the babies one
by one.
We FOLLOW the babies as they get swaddled tight and handed
back to Zoe and Stan.
Zoe and Stan look at the little girls and then at each other.
They are both in tears. Even Dr. Harris can't help but cry.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
It's night. Zoe is asleep.
She opens her eyes and takes a moment to figure out where she
is. She turns to the side and finds Stan sleeping next to
her, curled up against her in the tiny hospital bed.
To the side of the bed are two bassinets. Each baby sleeping
soundly in a little pink hat.
And in the next bed is Nana, asleep with a bandage on her
forehead.
EXT. 6TH AVENUE - DAY
Nuts trots/rolls down the sidewalk wearing a sweater that
says, "I'M A BIG BROTHER."
We TILT up and see Zoe and Stan strolling arm in arm, each
with a Baby Bjorn with a rosy-cheeked baby girl in it. Both
girls have flaming red hair.
A woman pushing a stroller passes by. She smiles at Zoe and
Stan. They smile back.
WOMAN
Hi.
ZOE
Hi.
STAN
Hi.
INT. GRAY'S PAPAYA HOT DOGS - DAY
They are now at the counter with hot dogs in front of them.
ZOE
Who knew you were such a romantic.
112.
STAN
Well, it's the anniversary of our
first date. Where else would I
take you?
(then)
Cheers.
They clink dogs and each take a bite.
STAN (CONT'D)
What a year, huh?
ZOE
Incredible. Wouldn't change a
thing. Well, except for the part
where you dumped me.
STAN
And the part where you dumped me.
(to the babies)
Girls...Mommy and Daddy were
stupid.
The babies smile and coo.
ZOE
(baby-talk)
Yes, we were. Yes, we were.
STAN
The first time we held hands was in
here. It started out as a high-
five, but then I strategically
turned into a hand-hold.
ZOE
How do you remember that?
STAN
We both agreed that we were totally
sick of weddings and hated when
people wrote their own vows.
ZOE
That's right. I remember that.
STAN
So...I hope you won't hold it
against me.
ZOE
What?
113.
Nana and Arthur come through the door smiling. Zoe looks at
them, confused.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What are you doing here?
And then Bobby comes through the door.
ZOE (CONT'D)
Bobby?
And then Mona.
ZOE (CONT'D)
What's happening?
And Joan and Edward. And Jalisa. And Fred. And Carol, Lori
and Sara with Dakota planted on her breast. And a priest.
And we...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GRAY'S PAPAYA HOT DOGS - LATER
Zoe and Stan, still wearing the Baby Bjorns, stand face to
face in front of the guests and the priest.
STAN
I promise to love you even though
you still eat chicken McNuggets in
bed. I promise to name cheeses
after all of our children no matter
how embarrassed they are by it. I
promise to always check out your
ass when you walk away, and I
promise to love you more tomorrow
than I do today, which doesn't even
seem impossible...
And slowly, the sound of Stan's voice fades out and the sound
of Louis Armstrong's voice fades in...
And we watch Zoe's face as she realizes that there are some
things that really will last forever.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
| Back-up Plan, The
Writers : Kate Angelo
Genres : Comedy Romance
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