CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
February 19, 2010
1 INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT (PASADENA, CA) - EVENING 1
Soft music. A classy joint. Below the tables, WE PAN
well-heeled feet nuzzling. Finally we SETTLE ON:
A PAIR OF FEET
WHITE SNEAKERS sitting opposite FANCY HIGH HEELS. These
feet aren't nuzzling. There's distance here.
PULL UP, REVEALING CAL WEAVER (42) and his wife, TRACY
(41). A handsome couple. He'd be JFK to her Jackie O...
if he gave a shit. Unfortunately, he doesn't (i.e.:
white sneakers in fancy French restaurant).
Cal pulls out READING GLASSES, looks at the menu.
Well, I'm full. You were right,
hon. I shouldn't have eaten all
Want to just share a dessert?
Tracy is lost in thought, gazing at a menu.
You okay, babe? You seem out of
Yeah, I'm just thinking about what
Me too. Okay, let's say it at the
same time. One. Two. Three...
I want a divorce. Creme Brulee.
2 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (PASADENA) - SAME EVENING 2
JESSICA (17) chases after MOLLY (9). Jessica's skinny,
wears glasses, a hipster T-shirt. In five years, she's
going to make all the boys' heads spin. But not yet.
2 CONTINUED: 2
I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna
She grabs Molly and tickles her. Molly SQUEALS with
delight. As she kicks... SMASH! A picture falls off the
nearby console. Jessica picks it up:
ON SMASHED PHOTO
Cal and Tracy. This is their house.
BACK TO SCENE
It's okay, my fault.
Alright, kiddo, it's getting late,
let's get you to bed before your
parents get home. Don't give me
the puppy eyes, you little maniac.
Go brush your teeth!
Molly GIGGLES, RUNS upstairs. Once Molly's gone, Jessica
looks at the photo. She eyes Cal affectionately.
3 INT. BAR 3
Meanwhile, TWO YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WOMEN drink and laugh
at a table. HANNAH (24) is clearly buzzed.
I don't care. I love him and
given the opportunity, I'd have
Her best friend, LIZ (29), LAUGHS.
Seriously? Conan O'Brien? You'd
do Conan O'Brien?
I'm just saying, Richard's a lot
of things: successful, smart...
Boring, workaholic, sexually
3 CONTINUED: 3
But he's not very funny, that's
Yeah, well, you want funny, go
watch `Cosby' reruns. You want a
good lay, go get yourself some
She motions off to the side.
The hot piece that's been checking
you out for the last hour.
THE CROWD PARTS, revealing: JACOB PALMER (32). The
smoothest, coolest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen. He
tilts his glass at them, toasting.
4 INT. LEXUS SUV 4
Meanwhile, Cal sits in the passenger seat, dazed. A "to-
go" box from the French restaurant in his lap. Tracy
Aren't you going to say anything?
Almost twenty-five years of
marriage, you have nothing to say?
She looks at him. He turns to her, about to say
something, then... stops himself. Turns back forward.
It's silent. Devastating.
CUT BACK TO:
5 INT. CAL AND TRACY'S HOUSE 5
Meanwhile, Jessica (the baby-sitter) stops at a bedroom
door. She hears MUSIC coming from inside, puts her ear
to the door. It's Lady Gaga. It's awful.
She smiles, knocks and opens the door at the same time.
5 CONTINUED: 5
Hey, your sister's asleep, just
checking you're alive --
She SCREAMS as --
ROBBIE WEAVER (13), quickly covers himself up. He was
Close the door!
BACK TO JESSICA
who slams the door shut.
I'm sorry, Robbie! I didn't see
anything, I swear.
BACK INSIDE ROOM
Robbie lies there frozen, horrified.
6 INT. BAR 6
Meanwhile, where Liz and Hannah keep drinking.
I don't know, Hannah. Your life
is just so... PG-13.
Hannah's mouth drops open.
My life is not PG-13!
It so is. You've never left LA.
You pass the bar you're gonna be,
what, a patent lawyer, probably
married to that snooze-fest
Richard. I just worry about you
is all. Hell, you've resorted to
fantasizing about Conan `Ginger-
6 CONTINUED: 6
He looks like a carrot, honey.
They turn. It's Jacob Palmer (the stud from earlier).
Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
Conan O'Brien. My friend Hannah
thinks he's sexy.
I think your friend Hannah is
You didn't really just say that.
Pretty sure I did.
How old are you?
Thirty-three next month.
Then you should know by now that
cheesy pick-up lines don't work.
Jacob sits down at their table, uninvited.
I find you incredibly sexy. It's
a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line.
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6
There are many attractive women in
this bar -- including your friend
here -- and I've been unable to
take my eyes off you, only you,
for the past two hours. Again:
not a cheesy pick-up line, just a
Answer this quickly, without
thinking about your answer: do
you find me attractive?
Hannah doesn't flinch.
Yes you do.
Yes, she does.
I'm an accomplished lover. If you
come home with me, I am confident
you will leave satisfied.
You've got to be kiddi--
We'll make love and it will be
amazing. You'll laugh afterwards
and say `I never do this kind of
thing.' Then you'll do it again.
Is that so?
It is. So now I'm going to ask if
I can buy you another drink. If
you say yes, we'll have one more
cocktail each -- just enough to
start losing inhibitions, not
enough to get sloppy, after all:
I promised to satisfy you.
6 CONTINUED: (3) 6
That's right. So, here we go,
Hannah: can I buy you a drink?
Hannah and Liz share a look.
What do you expect me to say to
Margarita, rocks, salt.
She STANDS, grabs her coat and Liz's hand.
Okay, time to go.
Liz doesn't move.
I'll go home with you, you can
call me Hannah, I don't give a
(whispering to him)
Another time, maybe.
GIGGLING, the girls leave the bar.
7 INT. LEXUS SUV 7
Still driving, Tracy looks at Cal. He remains silent.
I'm unhappy, Cal. I've tried not
to be. We've been married so
long, somewhere we became...
stagnant, you know?
He keeps staring straight ahead.
Okay, you're not talking and you
know that only makes me talk more.
Maybe that's good, maybe that's
7 CONTINUED: 7
There's this person.
We've been spending time together.
Lunches, meetings, that kind of
Silence. She closes her eyes tightly.
I slept with him. Kind of.
Tracy opens one eye, taking a peek. Nothing.
No, no kind of. I can't believe I
said kind of. That's just not
something you do in a kind of way.
I slept with someone. There. I
said it. I slept with someone.
Oh God. It's the worst thing I've
ever done but it feels so good to
say out loud. I slept with
someone. I SLEPT with someone. I
slept with SOMEONE. I slept with
... please stop me, please say
David Jacobowitz. From work. You
met him at the Christmas party.
You remember that party? They had
the giant paper-maché wreath? I
kept asking the decorator how he
made it? You wore that sweater --
Finally, Cal speaks --
The last person in the world I'd
ever want to hurt was you, Cal --
If you keep talking, I'm going to
get out of the car.
7 CONTINUED: (2) 7
But the fact that I did, that it
could happen at all, I think it
just shows how broken we are and --
Just like that, Cal OPENS THE DOOR to the moving car and,
simply, steps out. Tracy SCREAMS as Cal goes flying.
She screeches to a stop as he tumbles to the curb in her
8 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 8
Tracy runs to him. He's on the curb, BLOODIED but okay.
Are you out of your mind!?
He looks up at her, pleading.
I'll leave tonight, I'll sign
whatever you want me to sign, if
you'll just stop talking about it.
She touches his bloody forehead, affectionate. There's
still something here.
He stands, limps back to the car.
9 INT. THE WEAVER HOUSE 9
Meanwhile, Jessica sits on the living room couch. Robbie
ENTERS, stands there. He's a precocious, adorable,
I'm sorry that you had to see
She keeps staring straight ahead.
I should have knocked.
9 CONTINUED: 9
Silence. After a long beat.
For the record: I think about you
while I do it --
I have a picture of you and I look
at it the whole time --
I love you, Jessica. And I know
you're seventeen, and I know I
just turned thirteen, which is the
same age as your little brother,
and you're technically my baby-
sitter, but someday soon our age
difference will be inconsequential
which is good because...
I'm pretty sure you're my
She stops, looks at him and smiles gently.
Listen, Robbie --
Jessica jumps off the couch.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver. How was
Oh my God, Mr. Weaver, you're
bleeding. Why are you bleeding?
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
Mrs. Weaver told me she wants a
divorce so I jumped out of the
car. Hope the kids behaved. Come
on, I'll drive you home.
Robbie steps INTO FRAME.
Oh. I didn't know you were here.
You're getting divorced?
And you jumped out of a car?
A moving car, yes.
I'm sorry you found out this way.
I'm sorry you jumped out of a car.
Jessica, you got your coat?
10 INT. LEXUS SUV - LATER 10
Cal drives now. Jessica in the front. Awkward.
Finally, Cal starts talking to himself. Almost shell-
10 CONTINUED: 10
We'll talk to the kids tomorrow.
Tell them we're separating. Just
separating. We'll do it together.
I'll have to tell Nanna. Uch,
she's gonna be crushed. But not
right now. She's got enough to
He trails off. Another long beat of silence, then he
remembers his company and turns toward Jessica.
So, I hear Stanford early
admission, huh. I know your dad
is so proud.
You're bleeding real bad, Mr.
She goes to touch his eye. Out of nowhere... he starts
BANGING THE SHIT out of his steering wheel.
David Jacobowitz! Are you kidding
me!? DAVID FUCKING JACOBOWITZ!
GOD DAMN HER!
He calms down, slowly. Pulls up to a DRIVEWAY.
Sorry about that.
Jessica reaches for the door, but stops. She takes a
deep breath, adorable.
Mr. Weaver, I know you don't know
me very well, but I've been baby-
sitting for your family for three
years. You're the nicest dad of
any of the families I baby-sit
for, by a country mile.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
You're funny, and you're always
really generous, and you're the
only dad who's excited --
genuinely excited -- to check on
his kids when he gets home from
dinner. Now I like Mrs. Weaver, I
like her a lot, but if she wants
to divorce you, well... then I
think she's batshit crazy.
Cal smiles, distracted but grateful.
In fact -- and, I hope this
doesn't make you uncomfortable --
I think I've even developed a
Hey: do me a favor -- can you not
mention what's going on between
Mrs. Weaver and I to your parents?
It's probably better they hear it
from us. Okay?
That's my girl.
Jessica awkwardly gets out of the car.
Hey, Jessica? Thanks for
She smiles, turns back. She freezes when she sees...
He's holding CASH out the window to pay her.
You put this to that fake ID
you'll need up at Stanford.
And with a sad wink, he drives off -- leaving her
standing there, lovelorn and forty-five dollars richer.
11 INT. BAR - LATER 11
Cal sits at the bar, drinking away his sorrows. He's
disheveled, a bit wobbly. He motions for the BARTENDER.
11 CONTINUED: 11
Another vodka cranberry?
Yes. Just... yes.
A GIRL (30s) approaches the bar. Cal taps her shoulder,
a drunken train-wreck waiting to happen.
My wife is having intercourse with
someone who isn't me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's very nice of you to say.
She just told me tonight,
obviously it came as a bit of a
shock and you're not listening
The Girl has turned back to a group of friends.
I bet you wouldn't ignore me if I
were David Jacobowitz. My wife
doesn't ignore David Jacobowitz.
(to no one)
She screws him.
Something catches Cal's eye across the bar. We PAN TO...
wearing his two thousand dollar suit, he's now got TWO
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fawning over him at his table.
Cal takes him in for a long beat, turns back to the
bartender, and decides:
12 EXT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 12
You know these places: basically a "strip" of identical
housing units -- usually occupied by newly-divorced dads.
A WOMAN (60s) gives Cal the tour.
So it's pretty no-frills. Unit 2
is a lot like unit 1 except you're
downstairs so... the ground is
closer. Which is nice.
13 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 13
The most depressing, empty, beige place ever.
I guess the price is right.
Yeah, well, tons of divorced guys
here. You'll fit right in.
Cal SIGHS, un-enthused.
I'll take it.
Ooh, the gym has an elliptical
machine... I assume you want to
get back in shape?
Cal looks down, embarrassed.
Great! I'll let you know when
they fix it.
14 INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON 14
Cal sits at his desk, doing paperwork. His BOSS ENTERS.
Cal, I just got the weekly sales
report, good good good! You
really killed this quarter!
14 CONTINUED: 14
Keep it up you're going to be
sitting in my seat by year's end.
Really great, Cal. Seriously.
Who told you Tracy and I were
getting a divorce?
Divorce! That's it. Amy heard
you crying in the bathroom. We
all thought it was cancer. Thank
I have to go buy furniture now.
Cal stands, EXITS.
Go for it!
(then, calling after)
It could have been cancer, buddy!
15 INT. FURNITURE STORE - LATER 15
Cal is sitting on a plain, faux-modern couch. He's
staring into space. A SALESMAN APPROACHES.
Can I help you, sir?
My wife is sleeping with David
Jacobowitz. I need a couch.
Ooh, I understand. Can I give you
a word of advice, one divorced man
to another? If you don't mind?
Get the matching chaise, killer
He pats the adjacent piece. Cal processes this.
I want it in beige.
15 CONTINUED: 15
I'll write you up.
16 INT. BAR - NIGHT 16
Cal's back at the bar, sipping on his drink. He looks
absolutely exhausted. He looks across the bar.
At his usual table, Jacob is now wooing a NEW WOMAN.
Cal shakes his head, amazed at this guy's chutzpah. A
GUY grabs the open bar stool next to Cal. Cal reacts.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for
You've been holding the seat for
Yeah, well, my wife is screwing
David Jacobowitz so eat me.
The guy shrugs, walks away. Cal looks at his watch, puts
a napkin on his drink, and stands.
17 INT. BATHROOM - LATER 17
Cal pees. Jacob steps INTO FRAME in the adjacent urinal.
Cal does a friendly "I'm peeing next to you" nod. Then:
Can't help but notice that you're
always surrounded by women.
Jacob doesn't even turn.
I'm getting divorced. Or, in the
process. Gonna be single again.
17 CONTINUED: 17
Jacob zips, flushes, turns.
Don't start conversations with
people while they're pissing.
He walks away, washes his hands, EXITS. A beat, then:
18 INT. BAR - LATER 18
Cal's a few drinks in now. The door to the bar opens as
BERNIE (late 40s) rushes in. An oak tree of a man. He's
carrying a SHOPPING BAG.
Sorry I'm late, I had to pick
something up from Macy's.
Don't worry about it, here, sit,
I've been guarding this stool with
Bernie sits, looks uncomfortable.
It's good to see you, man. I've
called you a few times. It's been
a rough couple of days, obviously.
Nothing I could use more than my
old pal Bernie to unload on. Hey,
we should play racquetball, when's
the last time we played
Claire won't let me be friends
with you anymore.
Cal takes this in.
I'm sorry, what?
She said we had to choose between
you and Tracy. I chose you. She
18 CONTINUED: 18
He pulls a WRAPPED PACKAGE from the bag, hands it to Cal.
Are you breaking up with me?
Claire's waiting in the car.
Um... there's a gift receipt in
Bernie stands, awkwardly. He pats Cal on the shoulder,
lingers a beat too long, then simply turns and EXITS.
Cal is left alone. He raises a finger at the Bartender.
Do you have anything with a worm
in it? Because I'd like a gallon
of that now.
Legs crossed, martini in hand, he's been watching Cal get
dumped this whole time.
He PANS UP from Cal's feet. The white sneakers. Bad
navy blue dress socks. Dad khakis. An ill-fitting,
untucked, dress shirt. Half-lidded eyes. Rumpled hair.
Jacob shakes his head. Jesus Christ. He says something
to THE WOMAN who currently sits at the table. She nods,
gets up and walks away.
BACK TO CAL
As the Bartender pours him a second shot. He's now
showing pictures from his wallet to the Bartender.
This is my youngest, Molly. Her
two favorite things are High
School Musical and her mother. I
hate both of her two favorite
A SHARP WHISTLE interrupts. Cal turns, sees Jacob.
Jacob motions for Cal to come over. Every move Jacob
makes is practiced, perfectly cool.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
Cal points at himself: "Me?" Jacob nods: "Yep." Cal
SHRUGS, stands, and wobbles over towards Jacob.
I'd like to buy you a drink, Cal.
I already have a drink.
Let me buy you a drink, Cal.
Jacob motions to the Bartender who NODS. Cal SITS.
My wife is cheating on me with --
David Jacobowitz, yes, Cal, I've
heard. We've all heard. For the
last two nights, I've watched you
batter every poor soul in this bar
with your sad-sack loser sob
Cal takes this in. He STANDS.
You know what, I don't need this
Sit down, Cal.
Cal sits. Jacob's that powerful. Cal's that drunk.
18 CONTINUED: (3) 18
Cal, I'm going to make you an
offer, it's probably the best
offer you're ever going to get,
and you're extremely drunk, so
it's wildly important that you
don't answer until I've finished
and you've taken a few moments to
process what I'm saying. Do you
Cal goes to answer, Jacob holds up a finger. Cal stops
himself. Once he's settled, Jacob continues:
As I said, I've been watching you
for two days now and I can say,
without hesitation, that you are
the sorriest man I've ever seen in
my life -- don't interrupt, Cal,
it's the truth, and you need to
hear it. You're sitting there
with your Supercut haircut,
getting drunk on watered down
vodka-cranberries like a fourteen-
year-old girl, wearing a 41R
jacket when you should be wearing
a 40L -- I don't know if I want to
help you or euthanize you
-- stop drinking out of the
goddamn straw, Cal.
Cal stops drinking from the wimpy red straw.
You asked me for advice before,
Cal, so I'm going to help you. I
don't know why. Maybe I'm just
bored. Maybe all my friends have
abandoned me for wives and
children and labradoodle puppies,
who cares why? Why doesn't
matter. The point is, you've got
a good face, and a good head of
hair, and I'm bored as hell and
need a project. So if you want,
I'm going to help you rediscover
your manhood. Do you remember
when it was that you lost it?
Cal shakes "no."
18 CONTINUED: (4) 18
Doesn't matter, we'll find it.
And when we do, when I'm through
with you, that wife of yours is
going to rue the day she decided
to give up on you too early.
That's my offer. What do you say?
Cal stares at him blankly. A long beat of silence. Cal
goes for a drink, almost uses the straw... then catches
himself. He puts down the drink. Looks up.
Mall food court, Thursday, six
I'm sorry, what?
Jacob downs his drink, nods at THE WOMAN (now nearby).
You ready to go?
She nods, subservient, and follows him out.
Cal shakes his head, picks up his drink, and slurps the
rest of his vodka cranberry out of the straw.
19 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - DAY (ONE WEEK LATER) 19
A well-maintained yard, bordered by shrubs and bushes. A
long driveway runs parallel to the yard. A medium-sized
U-HAUL is parked in the driveway.
Cal EXITS the back door, carrying a BOX. He loads it
into the U-haul and takes a last look back at:
A weathered playground sits off to the side. You can
tell it hasn't been used in quite some time. Baseball
equipment lays all over, the site of many father-son
catches. An oft-used barbecue next to the house.
You can tell a lot about this family from seeing this
backyard. You like this family a lot from seeing this
19 CONTINUED: 19
Cal looks up. Tracy approaches. She's wearing sweats.
It's pretty obvious that she's been crying. Awkward
silence. Neither knows what to say.
I just wanted to say that...
Her voice cracks. She turns away.
She gathers herself. Cal steps forward. Instinct tells
him to comfort his wife but he can't anymore and he stops
himself. She realizes this. There's something harsh and
complicated about the reality of it all.
Tracy looks at the U-HAUL, wipes her eyes and tries to
Do you want me to back that thing
out of the driveway for you?
I'll be fine.
You have trouble in reverse is
It was two times --
Three if you count my father's
I did that on purpose.
I knew it.
They smile, in rhythm for a moment. Then they realize,
stop smiling. Cal turns awkwardly.
Once I'm settled, I'll get the
kids so they can see the place.
He walks to the truck. Tracy's voice stops him.
19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
I think I'm have a mid-life crisis
maybe. Can women have mid-life
Make sure the lawn gets enough
In the movies it's always men
having them and buying ridiculous
yellow Porsches, but I'm not a man
and I really don't want a yellow
You have to fertilize once a
month. Not twice a month, not
once every two months.
She takes a deep breath, finding her balance.
We got married so young, Cal. And
I'm forty-one. And that's so much
older than I thought I'd be.
The sprinklers turn off behind
And I got really upset with an
umpire at Molly's t-ball game last
month -- like really upset, like I
screamed at him and wished he
would die -- and I started feeling
like the person I promised I
wouldn't turn into, you know?
If it rains a lot, you need to
shut off the automatic setting.
And we haven't been us, not for a
long time. And I don't know when
you and I stopped being `us'
but... I mean, do you?
Cal finally turns and looks at her.
19 CONTINUED: (3) 19
I think it was when you screwed
Ouch. Tracy's face registers the blow, but she nods:
she also understands it.
Make sure my azaleas get enough
Cal turns, gets in the U-HAUL, and backs out...
And immediately crashes into the neighboring FENCE.
20 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - EVENING 20
Cal leads in Molly and Robbie.
Okay, well, this is it. What do
you think? Didn't have a lot of
time to house-hunt, but...
They look around his depressing, beige apartment. A
pathetic TV plays the Disney Channel in the corner.
There's a second bedroom with twin
beds so you two can stay over
whenever you want! Anytime!
So... you're like, actually going
to live here?
Molly looks like she's going to cry.
Hey, hey. Come on now, you'll
visit all the time. Every
weekend. It won't be that bad.
Don't you love us anymore?
Cal takes Molly's face in his hands, starts tearing up.
Listen, baby. What's happening
with your mommy and I... it's not
what either of us wanted, not what
either of us planned.
20 CONTINUED: 20
But you need to understand that
you kids have done nothing wron--
She bolts past Cal to the TV, where ZAC EFRON is on-
screen, prancing about in a basketball uniform. Robbie
and Cal stand there, awkwardly.
Don't take it personally. That
show's like crack to her.
Can I say something with a curse?
Yeah. Why not?
Robbie NODS, takes a deep breath.
Love is fucked.
Cal LAUGHS, a bit of tension relieved.
Is that so? You in love, buddy?
Well, if you must know --
They turn -- it's Jessica, the baby-sitter.
What is she doing here?
Oh, right, hey, Jess, thanks for
20 CONTINUED: (2) 20
(back to Robbie)
I have to run out really quickly,
just for a few hours, and your
mother wants you to stay here
while she's out hooking --
The place is... nice, Mr. Weaver.
Yes, well, that's a generous
adjective, thank you.
Anyhow, Jess is gonna keep an eye
on you guys for a few.
But I don't need a babysitter!
She's only four years older than
me! You need to know that! She
needs to know that!
I know, buddy.
Cal musses Robbie's hair.
My little boy's growing up, Jess.
He's in love already, can you
Uch. Robbie thumps the wall with his head, dying.
Molly, say bye-bye to Daddy?
No response, she's glued to the television.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm, uh... I decided to take a
20 CONTINUED: (3) 20
That's great, Mr. Weaver. It's a
difficult time for you, it's
important that you find new
interests, try new things, maybe
things you'd never have considered
Cal looks down, Jessica has her hand on his shoulder.
It's a bit odd. She realizes, takes it off.
Okay, well... Molly, last chance!?
But Molly is still locked on Efron.
That's my angel. Back in a few.
But, Dad --
The door slams. Robbie stands there with Jessica,
awkward. Tries to maintain some semblance of cool.
I don't need a baby-sitter.
I know, Robbie.
An awkward beat, then.
I love you so much --
21 EXT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 21
Cal pulls into the parking lot, grabs a space.
What am I doing?
22 INT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
He ENTERS, still going.
22 CONTINUED: 22
What the hell am I doing?
He walks past a CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Inside is...
Hannah (girl from the bar who Jacob tried picking up).
23 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 23
She's sitting at a table with Liz (her friend) and a
GROUP OF REALLY BORING WHITE PEOPLE in suits. There are
SMALL GIFTS in front of Hannah.
Holding her hand is an average guy (33), her boyfriend,
RICHARD. We PICK UP mid-conversation.
I think you're wrong. I think
No, no, no. Chris Rock is the
stand-up comedian. Chris Tucker
is the actor.
Is it racist that I can't tell
Liz nods her head "yes" at Hannah. Hannah stifles a
LAUGH. Liz stands.
Well, Richard: thank you for
inviting me to Hannah's `goodbye'
party. The conversation has been
riveting, like stepping back in
time. Before I go, a toast.
She holds up her glass, toasting.
Sweetie: go into your hole and
study your cute little ass off for
that bar exam. We'll see you when
She's gonna kick that bar's butt!
All the dorks CHEER. Liz SHRUGS.
23 CONTINUED: 23
Liz CHUGS her drink, turns to Hannah.
I'll walk you out.
Before they clear...
Hey, Liz? When my girl passes,
we're gonna have another little
celebration, right here. Hope you
can make it. It's going to be a
Richard, you just give me a heads-
up so I can get really drunk
You know it!
Hannah leads Liz out of the restaurant, WHISPERS:
Did you hear that? `It's going to
be a special night.' You think
he's going to propose?
At the Cheesecake Factory? Oh
God, I hope not.
Why? Do you really want him to?
Yeah, well... Jesus. Really?
(with a shrug)
Okay. Not my life, I love you,
call me if you need anything.
Liz KISSES her goodbye, EXITS. Hannah looks at her
table. Everyone is typing on their BLACKBERRIES.
She SIGHS, heads to rejoin them.
24 INT. FOOD COURT 24
Meanwhile, Cal sees Jacob, standing against a pole in the
food court. Jacob is eating pizza, cool as ever.
No thanks. So what exactly are
How much money can you afford to
spend on clothes today?
I dunno. Five hundred?
We'll start with shoes. Let me
see those sneakers you're wearing.
Cal holds up his foot.
Take them off.
Cal bends down, takes one off.
Other one too, please?
Cal does as he's told. Jacob holds out his hands. Cal
SHRUGS, hands Jacob the shoes.
Jacob simply turns and throws them over the railing.
What the hell!?
Are you in a fraternity, Cal?
Those were my favorite shoes.
24 CONTINUED: 24
ARE YOU IN A FRATERNITY, CAL!?
Are you Steve Jobs?
ARE YOU THE BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF
No. I'm not Steve Jobs.
Then you don't need to walk around
in New Balance Sneaker, ever.
25 INT. SHOE STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
Cal (barefoot) follows Jacob around the store.
I think this whole thing might
have been a bad idea.
Jacob ignores him, grabs a pair of BLACK DRESS SHOES.
Any man can rebuild his entire
wardrobe with sixteen simple
Ha! I think I read that in GQ.
You did. I wrote it.
Jacob CHUCKLES. Cal CHUCKLES back, clearly unsure what
the chuckle symbolizes.
Numbers one and two: pair of
dress shoes, pair of loafers.
25 CONTINUED: 25
Cal is looking at a pair of ARGYLE SOCKS.
I'm sorry, I'm lost: do you
really write for GQ?
Jacob slaps Cal's hand, knocking the socks away.
Your credit card please?
MONTAGE - FROM STORE TO STORE
We watch as Jacob narrates the wardrobe essentials (and
as Cal's arms get progressively fuller) in each store.
26 IN A SUIT STORE 26
Cal gets fitted.
Two suits: one black, one grey.
One sports jacket, navy preferred.
Jacob leans in toward the tailor.
Take it in there... and there.
27 AT ANOTHER STORE 27
Cal holds jeans in front of him, eyes them suspiciously.
One pair of quality jeans.
These are two hundred and thirty
dollars. Can't we just go to the
He looks up. Jacob is gone.
SMASH CUT TO:
28 EXT. MALL - MOMENTS LATER 28
Cal runs outside. Jacob is already halfway to the car.
I'm sorry! Don't leave!
28 CONTINUED: 28
Jacob immediately heads back inside and answers:
No, Cal. We can't just go to the
What's wrong with the Gap?
In Hell, every store is the Gap,
that's what's wrong with the Gap,
Cal. It's lowest common
denominator. Be better than the
fucking Gap, Cal.
29 IN A NEW STORE 29
Jacob holds up a pair of beige slacks.
One pair of chinos.
CHING. A cash register DINGS.
Four dress shirts.
CHING. CHING. CHING. CHING. Cal's arms are filling.
Three casual button-downs.
CHING. CHING. CHING. In a dressing room shirts come
flying over the wall at Cal.
30 A NEW STORE 30
Cal struggles to get a sweater over his neck.
Two v-neck cashmere sweaters, and
finally, a long overcoat.
Cal stands there in an overcoat and sweater.
I'm very warm.
31 IN A BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE 31
Jacob leads Cal through the store. He tosses him a TUBE.
31 CONTINUED: 31
You rub this in around your eyes
every night and every morning.
What does it do?
It gives you x-ray vision, Cal.
It tightens things up. The skin
around your eyes looks like Milton
Cal stops, examines his eyes in a mirror.
Oh my God, it does.
32 IN A SALON 32
Cal is getting his hair cut at a fancy salon. The
HAIRDRESSER is young, hip, and beautiful.
I like to use a number four on the
sides and the back, go longer on
Oh, okay. Thanks for that, Vidal
Sassoon. Tiffany, hon? Scissor
cut, tight on sides, get him some
texture up top, take off about...
He touches Cal's hair, measures it between his fingers.
... inch off the top.
Tiffany starts chopping.
33 INT. SALON - LATER 33
Jacob and Tiffany wait for Cal (inside a changing room).
What are you putting on?
Items one, three, eleven, and
(then, to Tiffany)
You smell great by the way.
What are you doing tonight?
I don't know.
That's okay, I do.
She GIGGLES. Cal calls out.
Seriously? You just ask her out
Yes, Cal, just like that.
And it works?
Okay, I feel kind of stupid but...
The DRESSING ROOM DOOR opens. We TILT UP... FROM
expensive shoes, TO pants, TO fitted sweater over a
fitted shirt and bright tie. The new haircut...
A new man. He looks... unbelievable.
33 CONTINUED: 33
Can I blouse out the shirt a
little? I like to blouse out my
shirts a little.
Shut up, Cal.
You'd fuck him, right?
You see that, Cal? The simple act
of opening your mouth instantly
causes Tiffany to lose interest in
sleeping with you. Your
personality is actually your
Cal takes this in.
Well, that's the meanest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
No, Cal. The meanest thing
anyone's ever said to you is this:
your wife cheated on you because
you lost sight of what it took to
keep her content at home -- as a
man, as a husband, and probably as
Cal's lower lip begins to quiver.
33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
Yeah, okay, that was meaner.
34 INT. BAR - NEXT NIGHT 34
Cal sits next to Jacob. Cal is wearing his new "outfit."
He looks great, but not yet comfortable in his new
Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he's walked out of a
men's magazine. And he knows it. Cal looks at Jacob.
I notice you only button your
shirts up, like, halfway. I can't
pull that off, right?
No. Listen, Cal, I'm going to be
calling women over to our table
Cal rubs his hands together, nervous.
We should have some background on
each other, no? I'm in insurance,
more on the corporate side. My
kids are --
Cal, the only thing I care less
about than corporate insurance are
your kids. Here's the only thing
I need to know: how many women
have you been with?
In my entire life?
No, synchronized swimming. Yes,
Cal thinks. He MUMBLES to himself, counting it out on
34 CONTINUED: 34
He smiles at Jacob proudly when he has to move the count
to a second hand. Then:
Jacob CHORTLES. But Cal just stares at him blankly.
Wow, okay... wow.
Not at a time? Total?
What? I married young. We met in
He smiles, remembering.
Tracy was so damn beautiful. You
know those women, the ones who can
be wildly sexy and unbelievably
cute all at once? I never knew
how she did that. I still don't
know how she does it.
Anyway, we had a bit of a hiccup
our senior year but we made it --
Cal, I literally stopped listening
at `Tracy.' Okay, here we go.
(a bit emotional)
I miss my wife.
Shut up, Cal.
A YOUNG WOMAN slides into the booth at Jacob's side.
Hi. Jacob Palmer.
Cal extends his hand.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
He pulls it back.
Can I get you a drink, Amy?
35 A DRINK 35
gets handed over to: a NEW GIRL, on a NEW NIGHT.
Tell me about yourself. What do
Does it really matter?
It does to me.
She looks up. He looks completely earnest, repeats:
It does to me.
PAN TO CAL: just sitting there watching, horrified.
36 BACK TO JACOB 36
Now with NEWER GIRL.
And that's when I started writing
the column for LA Weekly. God,
how long have I been talking?
Jacob takes her hand.
36 CONTINUED: 36
Listen, I'm going to be honest:
it's getting late and I think
you're interesting. I also think
you're one of those rare women who
manages to be both wildly sexy and
incredibly cute all at once.
Mouth agape. That was his line!
Let's get out of here. I know
it's forward of me but just... I
think we should get out of here.
She thinks, then NODS.
FLASH CUT TO:
37 THE SECOND GIRL 37
I think we should get out of here.
FLASH CUT TO:
38 THE FIRST GIRL 38
I think we should get out of here.
38A BACK TO CAL 38A
waving goodbye awkwardly as Jacob leaves with each of the
girls (IN QUICK CUTS). Finally:
38A CONTINUED: 38A
Cal just sits there, completely alone. But then A PRETTY
GIRL arrives at his table. Cal looks up, smiles. She
smiles back, then:
She drops THE BILL on the table. She's a waitress. And
he's been left with the tab.
39 INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON (ONE WEEK LATER) 39
ON THE BLACKBOARD: "SCARLET LETTER, THEMES."
Robbie Weaver sits at his 8th grade desk. In the b.g.,
we hear a FEMALE TEACHER drone on about The Scarlet
Letter. Under his desk, Robbie is TEXTING.
40 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - JESSICA 40
receiving the text.
ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
The text: "Hi, Jessica. FYI: Demi Moore is 15 yrs
older than Ashton K. They seem really happy. Love,
Her phone BEEPS with a NEW TEXT: "P.S. did you know Demi
Moore starred in the movie version of The Scarlet
Her phone BEEPS a third time: "She shows boob :-)"
41 BACK TO ROBBIE 41
Pleased with himself. The FEMALE TEACHER drones on in
While Hester is forced to wear a
scarlet `A' as punishment for
adultery, Reverend Dimmesdale's
`A' is self-inflicted --
Robbie's PHONE BEEPS. A "NEW MESSAGE." Robbie smiles.
41 CONTINUED: 41
ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
The text: "Robbie: please stop. U r making me very
BACK TO SCENE
Robbie stares at the screen, crestfallen.
Mr. Weaver? Are we interrupting?
Robbie looks up: the WHOLE CLASS is staring at him.
Slowly, Robbie stands. We HEAD IN TIGHT ON him.
You want to talk about The Scarlet
Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you
go: the `A' they're both wearing
-- I think it stands for ASSHOLE.
Wanna know why? Because they're
in love, and love is for stupid
ASSHOLES. So thanks for choosing
this book, Mrs. Thompson, because
this is what I need right now: to
read a boring, confusing book
about a bunch of stupid assholes
who fell in love, like assholes,
and then had to die, like
assholes. I'm sorry for cursing.
42 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 42
Tracy works at her desk. A KNOCK at her door interrupts.
A TALL MAN (40's) stands there: DAVID JACOBOWITZ.
You have a second?
Oh, David. I'm just a little
swamped right now so...
He closes the door behind him.
You've been avoiding me.
42 CONTINUED: 42
No, I haven't.
You ran away in the other
direction when you saw me coming
down the hall yesterday.
You're very fast by the way.
She SIGHS, gives up.
I ran track in high school.
That must be it.
He turns serious.
I'm sorry about you and Cal.
I'm also not sorry, if I'm being
I want to make sure you know how
much I like you.
No, I do --
A lot. Just to clarify. I like
you a lot. I had no intention of
falling for a married woman. I
just wanted someone to go to lunch
with who didn't make me want to
shoot myself in the face. But we
started having lunch, and talking,
and suddenly I was an accountant
who was popping out of bed in the
morning, excited to get to work.
That doesn't happen to
accountants. Ever. I've checked
with other accountants.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
So when the time is right for you
to get back out there again,
officially, I just... I'd like to
throw my hat in the ring.
Officially. That sounded weird.
Tracy LAUGHS lightly, leans forward.
David, you've been a great friend
to me. And you were the first man
in a very long time to make me
feel... noticed, I guess? What
happened between us that night...
it meant something to me. You
weren't the only one excited to
come to work lately.
But now, when I see you, all I see
is his face. All I see when I
look at you is what I did to my
She's losing it, wipes her eyes.
You see this? I'm saving you from
disaster, David, `cause you're
asking to pre-board the Titanic.
Honestly, do you really want any
part of this?
Before he can answer... BUZZ! It's Tracy's phone.
Your son's school on two.
Tracy quickly picks up phone. As she talks, David
scribbles something on a postcard, EXITS.
Right, okay. No, I understand.
Of course, right away.
She HANGS UP, looks at the Post-It. It reads, simply:
"Yes." Tracy looks up, but David is gone.
43 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - LATER 43
Robbie sits, waiting. Tracy EMERGES.
(calling back in)
Yes, of course. Absolutely,
Principal Sapienza, it won't
She closes the door behind her, looks to Robbie.
It's been a rough couple of weeks,
you deserve a freebie. C'mon, I
have to get back to work.
They walk out together.
They still make kids read The
Scarlet Letter, huh?
You'd really think someone would
have written something better by
Robbie LAUGHS, the tension broken a bit.
44 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 44
Robbie wheels around in an office chair as Tracy tries to
work behind her desk. He stops, noticing a PHOTO.
It's an older picture of CAL AND TRACY. They look happy.
Very much in love. Tracy notices.
Guess I should take it down, huh?
44 CONTINUED: 44
Tracy NODS. She places the picture face down gently.
She tries to return to her work, but can't.
How is he? I've spoken to him but
only about bills, or you kids,
but... how is he, really?
Sorry, that's unfair. Ignore me,
I'm almost done here.
She turns back to her work. After a beat:
He's dressing a lot better. Going
out a lot.
Oh. Well, good. That's... really
We'll get take-out for dinner
tonight, okay? Think about what
you're in the mood for.
Robbie hesitates, then adds:
He's sad. He looks better, but...
sadder, too, I think. You know?
Yeah. I guess I'm pretty sad,
I heard you crying the other night
and... I didn't know what to do.
I'm thirteen years old and... can
you just tell me what I'm supposed
to do in that situation? I didn't
want to Google it.
She smiles, shakes her head.
44 CONTINUED: (2) 44
Oh God, baby, you're so much like
me it's scary. You wound up with
all my stuff, Robbie. I'm so
I'm okay with being like you, Mom.
I like you.
She puts down her pen. Smiles sadly at Robbie.
It's my fault, what happened with
your father. It's grown-up stuff
that I can't talk about but...
it's my fault. Not his. So
just... be good to him, okay?
It'll be okay, Mom.
He NODS, the most soulful thirteen-year-old ever.
DAVID JACOBOWITZ (O.S.)
Hey, they need you in the
conference room for a sec... oh,
They look up. It's David. Tracy gathers herself,
David, this is my son, Robbie.
Robbie, this is David.
We work together.
Robbie takes him in, shakes his hand.
I'll be right back, okay, honey?
Awkward. Really awkward. Tracy starts to say something,
thinks better of it, and EXITS.
David moves into the room, sits down opposite Robbie.
44 CONTINUED: (3) 44
So, Robbie... I hear you're quite
the soccer player.
So, David... I hear you broke up
my parents' marriage.
He LAUGHS awkwardly, shocked.
You are David Jacobowitz, right?
Um, yes I am --
Here's the thing, David: in the
end, she winds up back with my
dad. He's better than you, in
every category except probably
math. And she still loves him.
Robbie props the PHOTO of Tracy and Cal back up.
Listen, Robbie --
Now I know what you're thinking:
`he's just in 8th grade, what does
he know about love?' I know a lot
more than you think, David. Just
today, I had a meltdown, almost
gave up on the love of my life.
My dad's having his meltdown now,
but long-term? He won't stop
fighting for my mom any more than
I won't stop sending Jessica texts
that make her uncomfortable. And
you need to know that.
You ready to go?
Mommy, can we do Chinese for
44 CONTINUED: (4) 44
Tracy waves to David as she and Robbie EXIT, leaving him
stunned in the middle of her office, staring at:
THE PHOTO OF CAL AND TRACY that Robbie has left directly
in his line of sight.
45 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 45
Bushes rustle. Once, then twice. It's Cal, sneaking
into the backyard. He takes a covert look inside the
house. All is quiet. He gets to work.
-- He spreads FERTILIZER on the grass.
-- Trims some bushes.
-- Picks off some petals from some dying flowers.
It's the strangest goddamn thing you've ever seen.
Finally, he finishes.
Content. His yard may not be his anymore, but it's back
in order. As he takes it all in...
A LIGHT pops on.
Cal DIVES into a SHRUB.
46 INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT 46
Another night at the bar: Cal's in his position, Jacob
in his. Cal sips his drink, staring aimlessly forward.
Jacob looks at Cal. Cal looks great, more comfortable in
his new "skin" than when we left him. He's drinking a
martini, rather than a red-strawed vodka cranberry.
A WAITRESS passes. Without speaking, Cal taps the rim of
the glass, silently requesting a refill. It's a cool,
practiced move... and he did it instinctively.
Jacob smiles, leans forward.
I think you're ready, Cal.
46 CONTINUED: 46
To talk to a woman, take a woman
Oh, no. No, I'm not.
You've been watching me do it for
Yeah, well, I've been watching
LeBron James for years, doesn't
mean I can suddenly dunk a
Cal, do you remember the part in
Karate Kid, where Mr. Miagi keeps
having the kid wax the car and the
kid gets all bent out of shape
because he doesn't see the point,
but the movements were actually
building blocks for throwing and
Oh God. Are you going to make me
Jacob stretches his neck, trying his patience:
Cal, what's the first thing I do
when a woman sits down?
You ask if you can buy her a
And what if she says no?
You order her a drink anyway, let
it sit there.
When she asks me a question about
46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
You deflect it back to her. You
never answer questions about
And what happens?
They talk about themselves. A
And what do I do?
You act really interested. You
nod a lot.
And at the end of the night?
You compliment them, then you ask
if they'd like to come back to
Do I ask?
No. You confidently tell them
you'd like them to come back to
Holy shit! You Mr. Miagi'd me!
Jacob BOWS to Cal, Japanese style. A PRETTY WOMAN stands
near their table. Jacob stands, smiles.
Oh, and no talking about your job,
your children, your pathetic
sexual history, or David
Jacobowitz. Okay, here we go...
What, no, I'm not ready for --
(then, to woman)
Jacob has pulled her over. She's attractive, mid-
46 CONTINUED: (3) 46
Cal, this is Kate. Kate, Cal.
Jacob NODS at Cal ("you've got this") and leaves them.
Kate SITS. Cal smiles at Kate, nervous. She smiles
back. Cal MOTIONS for a waitress in the distance.
Can I buy you a drink, Kate?
KATE (PRETTY WOMAN)
Oh. No thank you.
Cal smiles, portrays confidence.
I'm buying you a drink anyway,
Kate, so you might as well tell me
what you want.
Really, thank you but it's okay.
I'm guessing you're a vodka girl,
am I right? Yeah? A nice dirty
martini? No, no, no: a Grey
Goose, rocks, extra lime? C'mon,
one drink! Picture those ice
cubes clinking together. Mmmm.
Can't you taste it?
Yes, I can but... I'm, uh, five
years sober so...
Cal's face drops. The WAITRESS approaches.
What can I get --
Nothing. We don't want anything.
Don't come back here ever.
The Waitress leaves, confused. Kate looks around,
uncomfortable. She tries small-talk.
So... what do you do, Cal?
What do you do, Kate?
46 CONTINUED: (4) 46
I asked you first.
I asked you second.
She LAUGHS lightly, thinks he's being funny.
Seriously, what do you do?
Seriously, what do you do?
Now it's getting a little weird.
I'm a teacher. Now, c'mon: what
do you do?
Cal NODS, exaggerated.
Teacher. Interesting. I'm very
interested in teaching.
I'm sorry, are you not going to
tell me what you do?
He's still nodding, as if fascinated.
A teacher with an alcohol
dependency no less, I bet that's
actually more common than people
I should get back to my friends --
Kate STANDS. Cal puts his face in his hands.
I'm sorry! I'm supposed to
deflect your questions... oh screw
it: I'm in corporate insurance.
And I have children. Plural.
More than one. The only thing I
have ONE of, is sexual partners,
that would be the woman I recently
separated from because she was
cheating on me with David
Jacobowitz who I wasn't supposed
to tell you about either.
46 CONTINUED: (5) 46
Kate turns back, curious.
What were you supposed to tell me?
I don't know: that you're a
perfect combination of sexy and
cute -- it was something I said
about my wife that's since been
corrupted. But I'm tired, and I'm
at least fifteen years older than
you, and this sweater is called
slim fitting but it's really just
uncomfortable and itchy.
You think I'm a perfect
combination of sexy and cute?
Cal looks up.
That's what you took away from
She smiles, sits back down.
Wow, an actual honest man. I
don't know what to do with that.
It's kind of... rare around here.
It's nice, actually.
You have no idea. I'm kind of a
magnet for these jerk-offs. They
charm me, and I fall for it, and
at some point they just... never
call me again.
I don't understand. Look at you.
Who wouldn't call you again?
She looks up. It's not a line, it's a genuine
compliment. She smiles warmly. Holy shit, Cal is in!
46 CONTINUED: (6) 46
So... what were you `supposed' to
Well, eventually I'm `supposed' to
ask you if you want to get out of
here. Actually no, I'm supposed
to tell you, confidently, that you
should come home with me.
Why don't you give it a shot, see
Cal looks up, surprised. He clears his throat, then:
You're very pretty, Kate. And I
can't tell if you're being
serious, but I think you should
come home with me.
Ask me again.
Cal smiles and leans forward, faux-confident.
I'm not asking you, Kate. I'm
telling you: you should come home
Kate looks up, genuinely turned-on.
CUE MUSIC: "SEXYBACK" by Justin Timberlake.
SMASH CUT TO:
47 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER 47
Cal and Kate BARGE in, passionately kissing.
(gasping for breath)
This is my dumpy apartment that I
had to move into when I left my
47 CONTINUED: 47
I love that you're being so
honest. It's so different, so
I've never been with a woman
besides my ex-wife.
More, tell me more.
I'm worried you have AIDS.
Only a little.
She pushes him down on the couch, takes her sweater off.
She's wearing just a bra. She looks amazing.
What do you want to do with me?
Show you off to my wife to make
She GROWLS and dives on top of him as we launch:
48 CAL WEAVER'S "SEXYBACK" MONTAGE (THE NEXT FEW WEEKS) 48
-- The next morning a DISHEVELED CAL lets Kate out, gives
her a big passionate kiss, and closes the DOOR.
-- We STAY ON the DOOR. After a beat, it opens up: as
Cal bids farewell to a NEW GIRL on a new morning.
49 AT THE BAR 49
Cal strides in -- a skip in his step, a perfectly
tailored suit on his body. Everything's in SLOW MOTION.
He points at someone, winks at a waitress...
A SAD SACK GUY at the bar watches Cal stride by, jealous.
Cal Weaver has evolved into "the fucking man."
50 SNAPSHOTS 50
1) HANNAH studies late into the night for the bar. 2)
JESSICA reads magazine articles on "How to Make Him
Notice You." 3) TRACY eats ice cream in bed, alone. 4)
ROBBIE drags mysterious wood planks into his backyard.
But we're mainly with CAL...
51 BACK TO CAL'S APARTMENT 51
A NEW WOMAN EXITS. The door closes. It re-opens as he
kisses goodbye ANOTHER WOMAN!
52 BACK AT THE BAR -- CAL AND JACOB 52
... it would work!
You're out of your mind.
What do college guys hate? Doing
laundry. What do they love?
Strippers. It's a strip club
where they can do their laundry.
And yours isn't? A candy store
that only sells red candy.
Everyone loves the cherry. Look,
I'm not rejecting the psuedo-
cherry flavors like raspberry or
strawberry, anything in the -erry
family is allowed. But let's be
real here: no one wants the
lemon. No one likes the grape.
I like grape.
Well then you can't come to my
52 CONTINUED: 52
They LAUGH, quickly becoming inseparable.
53 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - EVENING 53
A late 40s couple eat dinner: BERNIE (the big guy who
"broke up" with Cal earlier) and CLAIRE, a bubbly little
woman -- the polar opposite of her husband.
Oh, I almost forgot -- heard some
good gossip at the nail salon.
For God's sake, Claire.
It's about Cal.
Leave the poor bastard alone,
would you? I gave him the cologne
like you told me to. We don't
have to dance on his grave.
What did you hear about Mr.
PULL BACK -- JESSICA (THE BABYSITTER) SITS AT THE NEARBY
COUNTER, EATING NEXT TO HER LITTLE BROTHER (13).
Apparently, Mr. Weaver has become
quite a man-about-town if you get
Lots of young women coming in and
out of his apartment lately.
Claire, would you cut it out?
It's good for Jess to know. She
still baby-sits for him after all.
53 CONTINUED: 53
Oh, c'mon! Enough.
Well, it's good gossip at the
least. Ooh, guess what else I
As she CONTINUES CHATTERING in the b.g., we HOLD ON
54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY 54
Jessica waits at her LOCKER. She spots a TALL BLONDE
GIRL moving down the hallway, texting as she walks.
Madison! Madison, wait!
Madison stops walking, but not texting.
Hey, I had a question --
Madison holds up a finger ("one second") and continues
texting. Finally, she stops. Looks up. Smiles.
Hey, Jessica, whassup?
I had a question for you, Madison.
It's kind of on the personal side
My lips are...
Madison extends her arms, begins clapping and making
WEIRD NOISES. Jessica stares at her blankly.
My lips are seals.
Oh, okay. So, Madison, here's the
thing... I don't mean to be blunt
or insulting but, let's call it
what it is: you're always
sleeping with older guys, right?
54 CONTINUED: 54
Lots of college guys, I've heard.
Lots of them.
Even rumors about a few teachers.
So my question is: how do you do
that? I mean, how do you get them
not to see you as... well, a kid
in high school?
Oh, well first off, I have a huge
You do, yes.
So that helps.
Yes, I'm sure it does.
You don't have a huge rack.
No, I don't unfortunately.
So that's not gonna work.
Okay, here's what you do. Wait,
how old is he?
54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
Like really old?
Like parent old.
Nasty. Rock on, Jessica.
Thank you, Madison.
Alright, you have to hook him.
Force his hand. Make him unable
to stop himself from doing what he
knows to be wrong.
Do what I do. Send him a postcard
Go TMZ on his ass.
I'm not following you, Madis--
The full gyno.
Off Jessica's blank look.
A crotch shot? A nip slip?
A dirty picture! You can even
Annie Leibowitz it. Tasteful but
with nipple. Yeah, that's what
you should do: make it artistic.
Black and white. Make this face.
She makes a raw sexual face.
54 CONTINUED: (3) 54
Well, you came to me for advice,
that's my advice. You put those
across his radar, he won't see you
as a little girl anymore, that's
Madison walks off, calls back.
Don't send it to him as a jpeg,
though. He'll put it up on his
fantasy football web-site. And
then your brother sees it, tells
your mom, and suddenly you're not
allowed to use Facebook for a
month. Thanks, Kevin!
She leaves Jessica there, processing the advice.
55 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER THAT DAY 55
Jessica EXITS the school, lost in thought. There's a bit
of commotion outside. TEENAGERS are pointing and
LAUGHING at something.
Jessica pushes through and sees:
ROBBIE, standing atop a man-made, tall, wooden
platform/scaffold in front of the school.
There she is!
BACK TO ROBBIE
as he RIPS OPEN his button-up shirt, revealing a SCARLET
J taped to his pale, hairless chest. He has recreated
the famous Scarlet Letter tableau. He pulls out a piece
of paper, reads it.
55 CONTINUED: 55
Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The
Scarlet Letter: `No man for any
considerable period can wear one
face to himself and another to the
multitude, without finally getting
bewildered as to which may be the
Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers.
I am not bewildered! Jessica
Riley is my soulmate. She's the
one! I know it to be true, and so
now do the multitude.
Robbie, get down!
I have marked myself with this
Scarlet J, Jessica! For you.
Because your name starts with a J.
It's just tape and construction
paper but one day I will get a
permanent tattoo when I'm old
enough that my parents won't freak
out on me.
Robbie Weaver! I am your baby-
sitter and I'm telling you to GET
YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE NOW!
That does the trick. He gets down to mocking APPLAUSE.
Jessica pulls him off to the side.
What the hell are you thinking?
You like the scaffold? It has
wheels. Took four weeks to build
Oh, those are my friends, they
helped me wheel it down. Wave
55 CONTINUED: (2) 55
OFF TO THE SIDE: Three excited THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS WAVE
and give THUMBS-UPS to Robbie. Jessica waves, confused,
turns back to Robbie.
This has to stop, Robbie.
You'll learn to love me. I
Just because I'm four years
younger than you?
BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!
This stops Robbie dead in his tracks.
I've been spending time with him
for a while.
Robbie stumbles, less sure-footed than usual.
No. You can't. I've checked. No
boyfriend since ninth grade. No
date for Spring Formal last
He's older. I don't want my
parents to know.
And with that, Robbie literally just sits down on the
ground, all the wind taken out of him. It might be the
cutest thing you've ever seen.
Who is he?
It doesn't matter.
Do I know him? Is he from town?
I don't know. Yes, kind of.
55 CONTINUED: (3) 55
I'll kill him if he hurts you.
Jessica tries not to smile.
I know. But this all has to stop
now, Robbie. The speeches, the
texts, all of it. It's very
sweet, but it has to stop.
He just sits there, lost.
I'll see you around, okay?
She EXITS. Robbie remains seated on the grass.
Devastated. His three friends approach.
We should probably get the
scaffold back on the road before
56 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (NEXT DAY) 56
Robbie's on the couch, dejected. His little sister sits
next to him, watching High School Musical as always.
In the adjoining kitchen, Cal is on the phone.
Hey, Nanna! I know, it's been
forever. Have you been getting
out at all? I'll bring you some
of that deli you like one night,
okay? The kids? They're fine.
(to other room)
Kids, say hi to Nanna.
ROBBIE AND MOLLY
Oh, I've been keeping busy. Made
a new buddy, I've been spending
time with him. Yeah, I'm going to
see her tomorrow night. Of course
I miss her. You don't know how
much I miss...
56 CONTINUED: 56
His voice cracks. He turns, sees Robbie staring. He
heads into the bathroom with the phone, closes the door.
Robbie SIGHS, turns back to the TV.
57 EXT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY 57
Cal and Robbie are having a catch. Robbie is listless.
So you're seeing Mom tomorrow,
huh? At my parent-teacher thing?
First time in a while.
Yeah, but no biggie.
Cal tosses him back the ball.
Hey, what's with the moping?
Nothing. It's just... there's
Oh yeah? You like her?
I like Pringles. This girl's my
soulmate. I'm like crazy, stupid,
in love with her. And she wants
But she's your soulmate?
Well you can't just give up.
57 CONTINUED: 57
Mom was yours, right?
I didn't give up.
Listen, Dad. I love you. I have
your back, always. But let's be
honest here: the woman told you
she wanted a divorce and you
jumped out of a car.
It was slightly more complicated
than that. And I'm a different
You're the same guy. You just
have different clothes. Do you
still love her?
How old ARE you?
Do you still love Mom?
Cal doesn't say anything. His silence speaks volumes.
Weren't we talking about you?
We are. Your son is in desperate
need of some romantic inspiration.
So set an example for your boy.
Don't give up. It's complicated?
Uncomplicate it. She says no?
Change her mind. Look at you,
you're the man right now, Dad.
Get her back.
Get back my mom.
57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
Robbie punctuates his pep talk by tossing Cal the ball,
Cal is lost in thought. The ball sails past him and
THROUGH THE WINDOW of a nearby car.
58 EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 58
PARENTS walk hand-in-hand, into the school. It's Parent-
Teacher conference night.
59 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 59
Cal sits on a small chair outside a classroom. Tracy
Cal looks up. Tracy stands there. She's dressed down,
but looks amazing. Vulnerable and nervous.
You look great, Cal.
Oh, well turns out I've been
buying the wrong size suit for
twenty years so...
Well you look great. Really.
You always look great, so...
Awkward. Neither knows what to say now. Tracy takes the
seat next to him.
I talked to Nanna yesterday.
Me, too. She sound okay to you?
She sounded like... Nanna. She
worries about us.
59 CONTINUED: 59
Tracy NODS. A long beat, then:
I feel like I'm about to get
Tracy LAUGHS, tension broken a bit.
Which teacher is this?
Mrs. Thompson. This is the one
he pulled The Scarlet Letter
Asshole routine on.
He's a really weird kid, isn't he?
I kind of like him, though.
I do, too. I'm so glad we
switched the babies at the
They LAUGH. God, these two are great together when
they're in rhythm. The laughter trickles away.
An awkward beat, then:
So, how are things with...
(a beat, then)
How's it going with David?
She looks down.
Oh... it's not.
It wasn't about him, if that means
No, I know.
59 CONTINUED: (2) 59
Cal looks at his watch, a nervous gesture.
You seeing anyone?
Who, me? No. You know me. No,
Oh. Because you hear things, you
Another long beat of silence. Cal gathers himself, takes
a breath, and turns toward Tracy.
I miss you, T.
Tracy looks up surprised.
I got complacent, I think. You
find your soulmate in high
school... you've got the game
sewed up in the first quarter, you
I put in an effort when we were
younger, didn't I? I'd do
anything to make you happy: take
you miniature golfing, dancing --
you were such a good dancer.
I had to be. You were such a good
He smiles, emboldened.
All I ever wanted to do was make
you love me. And then you did,
really early on. And we got
married so young. And I guess...
I got lazy. I got boring. And
I'm furious at you for what you
did. But I don't totally blame
you, if that makes any sense?
59 CONTINUED: (3) 59
I shouldn't have jumped out of the
car. I should have fought for
you. You fight for your soulmate.
At least that's what our thirteen-
year-old tells me.
Tracy's eyes well up with tears.
He's a very strange boy, isn't he?
I'll be honest: he scares the
shit out of me.
She LAUGHS through her tears.
I missed you, too.
Cal takes her hand, kisses it.
Mr. and Mrs. Weaver?
They turn around.
It's Robbie's English teacher, Mrs. Thompson... better
known to us as:
KATE (the teacher from the bar who Cal slept with).
Cal freezes, his lips on Tracy's hand.
Cal? What are you doing here?
(looking to the sky)
You two know each other?
Um, yes... we've met before.
59 CONTINUED: (4) 59
We've met before? Seriously?
Mrs. Thompson? This is my wife.
Oh, so now she's your WIFE again?
Kate's getting louder now.
Why don't we head inside?
YES, WHY DON'T WE!?
She STORMS INSIDE. Tracy looks at Cal, follows her in.
60 INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 60
Kate PACES in front of the classroom.
I'm sorry, I'm playing catch-up:
how do you two know each other?
Maybe your husband should tell
We have a mutual friend.
You know, maybe we should focus on
Yes, let's do that. Let's focus
Kate goes to her blackboard.
60 CONTINUED: 60
As you know, Robbie's shining
moment this year was when he set a
school record for cursing in an
eighth grade English class.
She writes on the board: ASSHOLE. She underlines it.
Asshole. Are you familiar with
this word, Mrs. Weaver?
She's heard it, yes. So in terms
of Robbie's progress --
Asshole: as in, someone who tells
a woman that he'll call, and never
We were a little concerned about
Robbie's grade on his oral book
Asshole: as in, someone who uses
`honesty' to get a woman into bed
with him, but is actually full of
shit like the rest of them.
Because usually he's a very strong
public speaker --
Asshole: as in, someone who
allows a woman to go down on him
for forty-five minutes because
he's `nervous' --
Kate stops. Cal turns to Tracy. She looks crestfallen.
I can explain.
Tracy rushes out of the room. Cal calls after her.
She's an alcoholic! You can't
trust what she says!
60 CONTINUED: (2) 60
KATE SCREAMS in horror. Cal races after Tracy. Kate
races after Cal.
61 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
A three-way chase:
Leave me alone, Cal!
I'm sober for FIVE YEARS, you
TEACHERS and PARENTS (including Jessica's parents),
stepping out into the hallway and following them outside.
62 EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 62
Tracy races to her car.
Tracy, c'mon! We were separated.
(fumbling for keys)
I know, and I cheated, so it
doesn't make any sense for me to
be mad at you.
Okay, so --
I can't do this now, Cal.
Tracy, I love you.
Tell her she's the perfect
combination of sexy and cute,
Tracy looks at Cal, stunned. That's their thing.
62 CONTINUED: 62
It's a funny story, actually --
I'm going home.
She opens the car door.
Tracy, wait! Yes, I slept with
her! I slept with our son's
eighth grade teacher!
GASPS from the crowd. Claire (Jessica's Mom) takes a
picture with her cell phone.
But all it did was confirm what I
already knew: THAT I LOVE, YOU!
I LOVE YOU!!!
Tracy hesitates. Cal seizes the moment.
Before, you were the only woman
I'd ever been with or wanted to be
with. And now, even after I've
been with eleven women, you're
He instantly trails off, realizing. MORE GASPS.
... the only woman I want to be
I don't even know who you are.
Tracy gets in her car and speeds off.
(weakly, to himself)
I'm your soulmate.
Cal turns around to the crowd, only to be met...
By a SLAP ACROSS the face by Kate. She STORMS OFF.
HE DESERVED AN `A' ON THAT BOOK
REPORT AND YOU KNOW IT!
62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
THUNDER CRACKS in the sky. It begins to pour. Cal
stands there, soaked. He looks up at the sky.
63 EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY 63
Meanwhile, the rain pours down as DINERS scurry into the
64 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 64
We've been here before... the same group of BORING PEOPLE
at the same table. Liz and Hannah CHAT off to the side.
There's a cake on the table that says "CONGRATS HANNAH!"
Richard stands on a chair.
Excuse me, everyone. Everyone!?
The room goes quiet.
Now, if we could get our guest of
honor over here... I forget what
she looks like, anyone remember?
POLITE LAUGHS. Liz GAGS herself with her finger, looks
at Hannah. Hannah takes a deep breath, downs her drink,
and walks over to Richard. Is this it?
I'm so proud of you, baby. I had
my doubts, of course...
More CHEESY LAUGHTER.
Now I did tell you that it'd be a
special night when you passed the
bar. And I'm a lawyer so you know
I never lie...
More HECKLING from the crowd. Liz desperately orders
another drink, barely able to take it.
So, Hannah, I'd like to formally
ask you, in front of all our
friends and colleagues...
64 CONTINUED: 64
Hannah waits, frozen.
... if you'd like to become a
permanent lawyer at the firm of
Watkins, Goldberg, and Schmidt!?
CHEERS. Hannah steps back, breathless. Richard reacts.
You don't have a better offer
already, do you?
No, that's great. I just...
I'm sorry, I thought... I thought
you were about to propose.
The room goes quiet, trying to hear.
No, I just... it's fine. I'm
sorry, I just got thrown is all.
Richard pulls Hannah off to the side.
Honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't
No, no, don't be silly, it's fine.
It's definitely a possibility,
down the road. I think I just
need a little more time. I'm
still figuring out how I feel
about us, you know: long-term.
No, I know...
Wait -- you're figuring out how
you feel about us?
She LAUGHS. Once. Then twice. Loudly. Everyone's now
watching. Liz gets a good seat, excited.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
She's really laughing now.
You know what the best part is: I
would have said yes! To YOU! And
I didn't even want you to propose!
Just now, I swear to God: I was
hoping you wouldn't propose. And
I still would have said YES!
That's how pathetic I am!
She snags someone else's drink from the table, DOWNS IT.
She grabs Richard's cheeks.
I will consider your job offer,
thank you so much, Richard.
Hysterically LAUGHING, she walks away. As she passes,
Liz sticks out her hand and they slap five.
65 INT. BAR 65
Meanwhile, Jacob sits alone in the bar. He checks his
watch. No Cal.
Suddenly, he looks very alone at his usual table.
He shakes it off, stands, and approaches the table of a
group of nearby WOMEN.
ON THE WOMEN
One of them is telling a story:
And you know what she said?
What? What did she say?
The women look up.
Standing there, in all his glory. He flashes his coolest
smile. They melt. We've seen this before.
SLAM! The door to the bar busts open, revealing:
65 CONTINUED: 65
She's dripping wet from the rain, looking almost wild.
She scans the room, quickly, searching for...
She spots him, marches straight to him.
For the first time, he looks like a deer in the
She grabs him. Kisses him. A long, deep, almost angry
kiss. She pulls back.
Do you remember me?
Do you still think I'm attractive?
Do you still want to take me home?
Hannah NODS, takes his hand.
She leads him out of the bar. We STAY WITH the WOMEN
Jacob had just been introducing himself to.
66 INT. JACOB'S APARTMENT - LATER 66
We haven't been here yet. It's exactly what you'd expect
though: an elegant bachelor-pad. Modern furniture.
Sleek. Everything just right. Jacob puts an album on
his record player.
66 CONTINUED: 66
This place looks like something
out of a men's magazine.
Is that a compliment?
I'm not sure.
Music starts playing: "As Tears Go By" by the Stones.
I like this song.
I thought you would.
Jacob pours two nice glasses of SCOTCH, neat. Brings
them (and the bottle) over towards the couch.
He pats the couch. Hannah nods, walks over, sits down.
They CLINK. Jacob takes a sip. Hannah downs hers. She
holds out her glass for a refill.
Jacob raises a brow, pours her another. This time she
HOLDS HER NOSE as she downs it. As soon as she finishes
So is this how it normally works?
How you woo a woman? You take
them back to your granite-
countered bachelor pad, put on the
perfect song, and make them a
66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
Yes. That's how it normally
Hannah NODS, grabs the bottle, takes a swig.
And then you sleep with them?
So that's what happens next? We
At some point, yes, I was under
the impression that was your plan.
She takes a deep breath, admits:
I'm very nervous.
I'm getting that.
I know at the bar I seemed
confident, but I was more just
soaking wet and cold and trying to
Jacob LAUGHS. He actually LAUGHS.
Hannah SNAPS, already tipsy.
No! Not adorable! Sexy! R-rated
sexy! Because I know what happens
next in the PG-13 version of
tonight: I get really drunk, and
I pass out, and you cover me with
a blanket, and kiss my forehead,
and nothing happens... but that's
not why I'm here!
I'm here to bang the hot guy from
the bar who hit on me.
66 CONTINUED: (3) 66
I don't think people say `bang'
I do. We're going to bang. I'm
finally going to do something
exciting and dangerous and Liz can
Hannah shakes her hands out, pumping herself up.
Okay, okay, this is happening.
Take off your shirt.
I need to stop thinking. Take off
Jacob SHRUGS, stands, unbuttons his shirt and takes it
off. He's ripped.
She pokes a finger at his abs.
It's like you're photo-shopped.
Now take off yours.
No way! Not with all that
She motions casually at his abs.
So... do you prefer to do it here
or in the bedroom?
In the bedroom is preferable.
Hannah stands, a girl on a mission.
66 CONTINUED: (4) 66
Good. Let's go there.
67 INT. BAR 67
Meanwhile Cal, beaten up and soaking wet from the rain,
ENTERS. He looks to his usual table, in need of a
But Jacob isn't there.
CUT BACK TO:
68 INT. JACOB'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 68
Hannah lies on her back in the dim light. Jacob is on
top of her, shirtless. They're making out, gently.
This pillow is amazing. It forms
perfectly to the shape of my head.
I'm glad you like it.
They resume kissing. After a beat, she pulls back again.
Wait, are these those foam pillows
Off his look...
They are, aren't they!? I always
wondered who actually buys them!
You do! The hot guy from the bar
buys them! Of course!
She shakes her head, amazed. Gathers herself.
Sorry, let's proceed.
Jacob smiles, goes to kiss her... she pulls back again.
You don't have one of those
ridiculous massage chairs, do you?
68 CONTINUED: 68
Oh. My. God! You totally do!
She STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. It's infectious.
How much did it cost?
Five thousand doll--
That DOUBLES HER OVER, hysterical. Jacob starts laughing
with her... really laughing. We can tell: this is
different for him. He likes her.
We watch him as he realizes that. As he processes it.
We watch him look at Hannah.
Hair in her face: drunk, laughing, completely amazing.
And then... Jacob does the most unexpected thing:
Do me a favor. Ask me a question
What? No! I don't want to know
anything about you.
C'mon, one question.
Okay, fine, but then we bang.
Absolutely. Now, come on, I'll
answer anything. You can ask me
about my job, or past
What's your mom like?
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
The question takes him by surprise. He hesitates, then:
Icy... I guess? Not cruel, but
cold. Very cold.
And your father?
He died, long time ago. Left us a
lot of money, which is how I
He motions at his PILLOW.
Stuff like this.
She motions at his abs.
And time for stuff like that?
My dad was the opposite of my mom,
We PULL BACK as they continue chatting.
TIME PASSES, as one question leads to another, and then
Body language shifts.
-- Soon they're sitting in bed, sharing the Scotch from
the bottle, just talking. Then kissing. Then lying on
their sides, face-to-face, talking some more.
-- Until finally: it's Jacob who passes out. And it's
Hannah who covers him with a blanket, and kisses him on
the forehead, and begins falling in love with him.
CUE MUSIC as we begin a...
MONTAGE. IN ONE CONTINUOUS DOLLY MOVE WE HEAD, FIRST,
69 INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING 69
Hannah looks longingly at Jacob's plate of pancakes.
He notices, switches plates.
She smiles. He smiles. God, he's crazy about her.
He looks at the next table, watches a LOVELORN GUY switch
plates with his GIRLFRIEND.
70 INT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 70
DOLLY DOWN the row, HANDS are held between COUPLES, all
entranced by the movie, until we REVEAL:
staring down at his hand, locked with Hannah's. He looks
71 INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM - EVENING 71
Now it's Hannah who's asleep in bed, and Jacob who stares
at her lovingly. Suddenly, he catches himself.
In a series of COMEDIC JUMP-CUTS, he wrestles with the
implications of what's happening to him.
-- Pacing. A drink. A big drink. Fingers pulling at
his own hair. Hyperventilating. More staring. More
71A INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM 71A
And finally, he loses the battle: he tucks Hannah under
a blanket, kisses her forehead, and finally...
Gives in to falling in love with her.
72 INT. BAR - EVENING 72
Cal is sitting at the table that once belonged to Jacob.
He suddenly seems very alone.
72 CONTINUED: 72
He looks towards the bar, notices that same SAD SACK
MIDDLE-AGED GUY. Also alone. He picks up his cell.
73 INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73
Tracy sits at a table, FLOWERS off to the side. Her
phone rings. She looks at it, sees it's "Cal." She hits
PULL BACK to reveal DAVID JACOBWITZ, across from her. He
looks at Tracy and smiles. She smiles back weakly.
74 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER 74
The awkward end of a first date. David walks Tracy to
the front door. She's carrying those same flowers.
I had fun tonight, Tracy. And I
was wondering if --
David, stop. Look, I had a nice
time, which is a substantial
upgrade from the rest of the...
times I've been having lately.
So, I don't think I'm ready to
start dating but my ex clearly is
and there's a yogurt shop where
they make this eight calorie ice
cream that tastes like a laxative,
so if you'd like to take me there
sometime I guess I wouldn't say
Wow. You know, that's exactly
what I was thinking. It's almost
They LAUGH. This is the moment. Romantic chemistry.
Are they going to kiss? Holy cow. And then...
THE DOOR OPENS. Jessica stands there.
Oh, Jessica. Hi. Sorry.
Jessica, this is my work-friend.
74 CONTINUED: 74
He's an accountant named David.
David, this is my baby-sitter,
Jessica. Okay, David, well
everything sounds great.
David smiles knowingly.
I'll see you at work.
He EXITS. Tracy stands there with Jessica, awkward.
INSIDE THE DOOR
Robbie sneaks down the stairs. From a kneeling position,
he can hear and see everything.
So... How was dinner?
It was just for work.
It's a pretty dress.
Tracy reaches for her purse, awkwardly.
So how much do I owe yo--
Did you know your kids are the
only ones I baby-sit for who
always want to stay awake so they
can see their dad when he gets
home. I mean, they fight with
everything they have to keep their
eyes open so they can hear what
Dad had for dinner, or how he
liked the movie. Lot of kids want
to stay awake for Mom -- and your
kids always want to see you, don't
get me wrong -- but not a lot wait
up for Dad. Maybe it's because
he's good, and he's kind, and he's
74 CONTINUED: (2) 74
What are you talking abo--
She walks out the door. Tracy looks confused.
Jessica turns, explodes?
I DON'T WANT YOUR SLUTTY MONEY!
She storms off.
But she's gone. Tracy SIGHS ("what the hell was that")
and CLOSES the door.
75 INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75
Tracy locks the door and leans against it... processing
what Jessica just said about Cal.
She puts the FLOWERS down on the table, and heads into
at top of the stairs, regarding the flowers.
76 EXT. STREET - LATER 76
CUE MUSIC. Robbie rides his bike down the street. He's
got Tracy's FLOWERS nestled in his handlebars.
77 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER 77
Jessica ENTERS in a huff, goes right toward a drawer in
her dresser. She pulls out a CAMERA.
IN QUICK CUTS
we watch as she: Sets it on her dresser. Hits the
timer. Steps back. Drops her clothes to the floor.
77 CONTINUED: 77
Prints a PHOTO from her camera. And places it in an
"Cal Weaver." With a heart. She stares at the envelope
for a beat.
Just then: HER DOORBELL RINGS.
Jessica jumps, started. She quickly puts the envelope in
a drawer and heads for the door.
78 INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 78
She opens the front door. Sitting on her stoop:
The same flowers that David Jacobowitz gave Tracy sit out
front. She looks at the note. It reads: "Just give me
a chance, love David J" but the "David J." has been
crossed out and replaced with "Robbie."
She shakes her head, takes the flowers, closes the door.
79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 79
MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their
windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly
watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen.
We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover:
Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He
fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night.
Kids! Ice cream!
Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out
ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race
down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing.
We take in the real-time TABLEAU:
Cal's wife and children -- his family -- inside. Cal:
watching them from the outside, looking in.
It's touching. It's complicated. It's horribly painful.
INSIDE... Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something.
She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS
her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious.
OUTSIDE... Cal's phone rings. He jumps to silence it.
79 CONTINUED: 79
Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea.
So... I'm in the basement. I'm
trying to get the water heater
working `cause the pilot's out and
I don't know how to relight it.
Obviously Cal sees she's not in the basement.
I'm sorry to bother you, I just...
what do I do?
Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then:
It's fine, it's fine. I'm glad
you called. Here: I'll walk you
Do you see the little grey door?
Pull it down.
She pantomimes this in the kitchen.
Okay, it's down.
Now, you see the red button? I
wrote `push' on it?
I got it.
Push. Now turn that to the right
and stick the match in.
Oh, there it goes!
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
Good. Now just close the door and
you're good to go.
Silence. The charade is over. Now what?
Well, thanks, Cal. I...
appreciate your help.
No, anytime. Call anytime with
stuff like that.
Talk to you later?
Yeah. And... thanks again.
Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife
as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him.
80 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 80
Cal sits on his little couch, between Robbie and Molly.
Molly is once again absorbed in High School Musical.
Cal looks depressed. Robbie doesn't look much better.
Nanna's coming over tonight. You
guys haven't seen her in a while.
Wanna stay for dinner?
Your mom's working till five,
we'll have to tell her.
(off their silence)
What do you guys want to do today?
(not looking up)
High School Musical.
Well, there's a shocker.
She goes back into her trance.
She still won't talk to you?
80 CONTINUED: 80
Not if that show's on.
No, I mean, Mom.
Oh, no. Just hellos and goodbyes
when we pass you guys off.
Beyond your pay-grade, buddy.
Cal looks pained.
I will say this though: I got
close. We were laughing. Talking
about old times, all the things we
used to do...
His eyes drift to the TV. It's the timeless GOLF SCENE
from High School Musical II. A LIGHT BULB goes on.
Hey. Get your coat.
Robbie smiles, runs off. Cal turns to Molly, REMOTE in
Baby? I'm gonna have to turn off
I have to --
I'm turning it off --
He just does it! He turns the TV off. Silence. Molly
turns towards him, stares. A long, scary, beat. Then:
80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
(free at last)
Cal KISSES her, jumps up from the couch.
81 INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE - LATER 81
Cal talks to a SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly bounce around,
82 INT. PARTY SUPPLY STORE - LATER 82
Cal talks to a different SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly
extend a MEASURING TAPE across the ground, assisting.
83 EXT. U-HAUL CENTER - CONTINUOUS ACTION 83
Cal rents a TRUCK.
84 INT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84
Cal picks up materials. As he rounds a corner, he runs
Oh, hey, Cal.
So how've you --
Bernie: I'd love to catch up, but
I'm doing something at the old
house tonight and I'm in a bit of
a rush so... yeah. Thanks again
for the cologne.
Cal takes off.
85 EXT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 85
Molly points out her three favorite DAY LABORERS, Cal
86 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 86
Some kind of construction is going on back there.
Cal's cell phone RINGS. We go --
86A SPLIT SCREEN 86A
with JACOB on his. He's waiting outside a LIQUOR STORE
in his car.
Oh. My. God. It's alive.
I'm sorry. I know I've been out
You abandoned me at my time of
I've been a little... things have
gotten a bit... I met a woman.
I bet you did.
No, I mean, I've been spending a
lot of time with her. This woman.
Actually, tonight... I'm going to
meet her mother.
Whoa!!!! Look at you! You do
realize you might actually have to
answer a question or two about
86A CONTINUED: 86A
Yes, I realize that, asshole.
Hannah comes out of the wine store, hops over the car.
Jacob can't help but smile: wow, he's REALLY into her.
Gotta go. Grab a beer next week?
You've got my number.
Hey. Good for you, by the way.
Cal HANGS up, LAUGHS to himself, and gets back to work.
87 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT 87
Tracy pulls up to her house. As she pulls in she notices
Robbie. He's standing outside the front door in a
tuxedo... a shit-eating grin on his face.
She SIGHS ("what now?") and parks the car.
88 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM 88
Meanwhile. Claire is putting away laundry. She throws
some underwear in Jessica's bottom drawer.
Notices something. An envelope. It's addressed to Cal
Weaver. Curiosity piqued, she picks it up. Looks
inside. Almost faints.
89 INT. CLAIRE AND BERNIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 89
Big Bernie sits in a recliner, watching football and
drinking a cold one. Jessica lies on the floor, doing
Claire ENTERS, ashen. Zombie-like, she hands Bernie the
envelope. Jessica looks up, sees it.
She jumps, but it's too late.
89 CONTINUED: 89
Staring at the picture. We don't see it, but we get the
point: it's a father's worst nightmare.
Bernie, dazed, slides the pictures back into the
envelope. He looks at the envelope again.
Cal's name. A heart.
BACK TO SCENE
Bernie puts a hand up. He can't speak. He marches out
the door. From inside we hear a car SCREECH AWAY.
Realizing. She grabs a second set of keys.
90 EXT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 90
Jessica runs into a second car. Races after her father.
91 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE 91
Meanwhile. Tracy approaches Robbie. Not only is he
wearing a tuxedo, he's carrying a bunch of SCARVES.
Baby! What are you wearing!?
Tracy's face drops.
I have to blindfold you.
What is this? What is he doing?
91 CONTINUED: 91
Relax, Mom. He's your husband,
not Al Queda. You'll make it out
She can't help but smile. She kneels down, allowing
Robbie to BLINDFOLD HER from behind.
He ties a SCARF around her eyes. Then ANOTHER at a
different angle, double-knots it. Then ANOTHER!
Okay, we're good, let's do this.
92 INT. BERNIE'S CAR 92
Meanwhile. There's no expression on Bernie's face. It's
frightening. He looks down at passenger seat. At the
ENVELOPE bearing Cal's address.
He RACES through a light. A HORN blares behind him.
93 INT. JESSICA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
Jessica is the one BLARING THE HORN, crying and panicked.
She too RACES through the same light.
94 EXT. WEAVER BACKYARD 94
Robbie leads a blindfolded Tracy into the backyard. She
looks like a zombie with all the scarves over her face.
We see what she is not yet privy to.
ON THE BACKYARD
Cal's Shangri-La has been transformed: the yard holds a
FULL-BLOWN MINIATURE GOLF HOLE, windmill and all.
Cal stands behind it all, in a tux.
Can I take these off, please?
94 CONTINUED: 94
Robbie CUES music (which will play throughout this
scene). Molly, in a PARTY DRESS, carries a glass of
champagne to Tracy and puts it in her hand.
Twenty-five years ago, Cal Weaver
saw Tracy Boyle for the first
time, walking the halls of
Woodside Middle School --
Cal: are you seriously doing this
in front of the kids?
If it goes bad I'm supposed to
take Molly upstairs and put the TV
Tracy SIGHS, giving up.
Well, might as well wait for your
She's right next to you, T.
No, your other daughter.
Huh? Just then:
From inside the house steps out...
WTF! And right behind her... JACOB. Holding a bottle of
wine and smiling like an idiot. Everyone freezes.
94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
What the hell are you doing here?
What the hell are you doing here?
Wait, you two know each other?
Wait, what's going on?
WHAT THE HELL IS A NANNA!?
It's me, I couldn't pronounce
Hannah when I was little -- wait,
so how do you know my dad?
I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING
Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jacob.
No. No. No. No.
94 CONTINUED: (3) 94
I want to see the boyfriend!
Can someone please take this off?
HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A 24-YEAR-
I WAS SEVENTEEN! SHE WAS OUR
SENIOR YEAR HICCUP! IT'S WHY WE
GOT MARRIED SO YOUNG!
WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT?
YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT MY
So you two, like, really know each
No way -- you and her... no way.
End it, now.
Well, that's not going to happen.
Well, then I'm going to murder
(down to two scarves)
Will someone please take this
goddamn thing off me!
Robbie, take the goddamn thing off
(then, looking up)
94 CONTINUED: (4) 94
SLAM! A body flies into Cal and knocks him OUT OF FRAME.
It's Bernie! Behind him...
JESSICA runs after her father, SCREAMING:
Is that Jessica?
BAM! Bernie lands a solid right into Cal's jaw.
Bernie is pummeling Cal.
I LET HER BABY-SIT FOR YOU, YOU
SICK SON OF A BITCH! SHE'S
Jacob dives in. Tries to pull Bernie off. Bernie NAILS
Jacob with an UPPERCUT!
Bernie, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
Bernie picks up a WINDMILL from the miniature GOLF
COURSE, readies to bash it over Cal's head. Jessica
throws herself on Cal.
This breaks Bernie's trance. He hesitates.
He didn't do anything. He doesn't
94 CONTINUED: (5) 94
Robbie, please get this off me!
(struggling with it)
He doesn't even know that I'm in
love with him!
Robbie stops, turns.
(pointing at Cal)
Are you pointing at me?
Are you pointing at him?
Who is she pointing at!?
Wait: my dad is the older guy
you've been seeing?
I knew it.
He gets ready to pummel some more. Jessica grabs him.
He doesn't even know about the
dirty pictures I made for him.
You made him dirty pictures? Oh
94 CONTINUED: (6) 94
Robbie looks to Cal. He's angry, jealous, and broken-
hearted all at once.
You're the one? You're the one
You stole my soulmate.
Wait: Jessica is your soulmate?
I'm sorry, is Tracy home?
Everyone turns: DAVID JACOBOWITZ stands in the doorway.
He's holding up a SWEATER in his right hand.
You left your sweater in my car
the other night.
Who are you?
Is this a bad time --
WHACK!!! Jacob LEVELS David Jacobowitz with a right
You know how much misery you've
put this poor bastard through!?
Before Jacob can finish, Cal LEVELS Jacob.
Stay the hell away from my
94 CONTINUED: (7) 94
Jacob JUMPS on Cal. David jumps on Jacob. Bernie tries
to pull them apart.
Jessica finally gets the blindfold off Tracy. The women
and children watch the battle in horror.
95 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 95
Cal, Jacob, Bernie, and David Jacobowitz sit side-by-side
on the miniature golf hole, bloodied but still.
REVEAL: TWO POLICE OFFICERS standing in the center of
the yard. One of them finishes writing in a pad.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Well, okay. That should about do
(to his partner)
What do you think?
The other cop SHRUGS. The first cop, thinks, then:
POLICE OFFICER #1
Look, I'm just gonna write
domestic disturbance reported but
all clear, okay? `Cause honestly,
I don't even know what to put down
Thank you, Officer.
He nods, walks to the door. Stops there.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Just... simmer down, okay? We all
have arguments, but if you're
gonna fight -- just do it inside.
Keep it in the family, okay?
Jacob SNARFS down a laugh. Cal glares at him.
I'll kill you.
The cops look at Cal, at each other, SHRUG, and EXIT.
95 CONTINUED: 95
ON THE YARD
Awkward silence. Our whole cast is there: disheveled
and bloodied. The place looks like a hurricane has hit.
A miniature golf hole torn to shreds.
Bernie turns to Jessica.
Let's go. Now.
She NODS. Looks back at Cal.
I'm so sorry --
And that's that. Robbie runs to the driveway, looks:
96 IN THE STREET 96
as Jessica runs after her father, trying to apologize.
But he won't even look at her. They get in their
respective cars, drive off.
97 BACK INSIDE 97
Jacob approaches Cal.
Cal turns to Hannah.
This man is a lowlife and a
(under her breath)
Oh, that's ironic.
Cal whips around.
I'm sorry, what?
Tracy doesn't push it. Cal turns back to Hannah.
97 CONTINUED: 97
You may not be able to see it, but
I have. Over and over again. You
are not to see him any more.
Dad, c'mon, I'm not going to stop
Cal turns away.
Well then I don't have anything
else to say to you.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
BACK TO SCENE
Cal, stop being unreasona--
I said: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY
IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE, CAL!
AND YOU MADE DAMN SURE OF THAT
DIDN'T YOU, SWEETHEART!?
This time it's Tracy whose face registers shock. Hannah
takes Jacob's hand, pulls him away.
(one last try)
Cal, c'mon --
But Cal won't even look at him.
97 CONTINUED: (2) 97
They EXIT. Cal lets them go, then grabs his things.
She's all yours, David.
Before he goes, Cal stops in front of Robbie.
Go big or go home, right, buddy?
Robbie looks up at him, cold.
Go home, Dad.
Cal NODS, EXITS.
98 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - THE NEXT MONTH 98
CUE: John Mayer's "Who Says."
1) ROBBIE, at school. His spirit is crushed. He looks
at his CONTACT LIST, thinks, and DELETES JESSICA.
99 JESSICA 99
2) at home, grounded and sad.
100 JACOB 100
3) trying to get HANNAH to make a phone call to her
father... she won't.
101 TRACY 101
4) at her office, finally taking down the picture of her
and Cal. And speaking of Cal...
102 INT. BAR - AFTERNOON (THREE WEEKS LATER) 102
Cal sits back at his usual table. This isn't "Cool Cal,"
the Jacob disciple. No, this is "Sad Mess Cal." He's
grown a patchy beard. He's wearing a ratty sweatsuit.
He's drinking, once again, vodka-cranberry out of a wimpy
red straw. It's pathetic. A WAITRESS APPROACHES.
Can I get you another?
What time is it?
2:30. In the afternoon.
2:30 would have been sufficient
but I appreciate the judgment,
Yes, another drink would be grand.
Cal feels bad for that one. As she re-approaches:
That was uncalled for. Sorry for
being a dick.
Ah, it's okay, I deserved it.
Standing there. As always, he looks perfectly put
together. He takes in Cal.
It's a nice sweatsuit, Cal.
What do you want?
Can I sit?
I don't know, can you?
102 CONTINUED: 102
Okay, are we going to be mature
about this, or act like children?
`Are we going to be mature or act
Okay, so like children then. Move
Jacob SLIDES in.
I'd like to talk.
You still seeing my daughter?
Then I have nothing to say to you.
Cal, look at me.
Cal looks. Jacob still has that power over him.
You been hanging out here a lot?
Must be missing a lot of work.
I have a lot of vacation days.
I hate the beach... you've got a
lot of nerve coming here --
Just then, the WAITRESS re-approaches. Delivers Cal's
drink. They wait her out. She EXITS.
102 CONTINUED: (2) 102
You want a sip?
No, she probably spit in it.
Jacob NODS as Cal pushes the drink away.
Your kids miss you.
You're hanging out with my kids,
fantastic! You can teach Robbie
how to objectify women, he'll love
His eighth grade graduation is
next week. You coming?
Of course I'm coming.
Well you haven't exactly been
around for him, Cal.
He's not my biggest fan right now.
Oh, that's a good excuse --
Alright, man-whore, if your
lecture on parental responsibility
is almost done --
I love her, Cal.
Cal looks up.
I've never been in love before.
Honestly, I've never even been in
I never got it. I saw people in
love -- I saw weakness. I heard
them say the things they said, and
do the things they do, it all just
seemed so... so pathetic.
102 CONTINUED: (3) 102
She's my perfect combination of
Cal looks up at Jacob. He smiles, gently.
I know you. I know what you are.
You are not good enough for my
daughter. And you will never have
my permission nor my approval.
I'll see you at graduation.
He EXITS. Once more, Cal is alone. Just as he wants it.
103 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - ONE WEEK LATER 103
A small MIDDLE-SCHOOL AMPHITHEATER. About 150 people
fill the crowd of an intimate middle school graduation.
Tracy, Molly, and Hannah sit in the front row. Jessica
sits with her family a few rows away. All look nice.
MANY ROWS BACK --
Sits Cal, sandwiched between RANDOM SPECTATORS. Cal is
now shaven and well-dressed but he looks miserable.
His eyes brighten for a moment as he notices...
AN EMPTY SEAT between Tracy and Hannah. He leans
forward, are they saving it for him? But just then...
Jacob arrives. Kisses Hannah and takes "Cal's" seat.
Cal looks nauseous.
We WATCH the ceremony for a moment. The PRINCIPAL labors
through her introduction...
... and now, to introduce the
first student speaker: our very
own English teacher Kate Thompson!
Cal's former conquest steps onto stage.
103 CONTINUED: 103
AHEAD OF CAL
Tracy looks away, clearly uncomfortable at the teacher's
presence. She accidentally catches Cal's eye. Awkward.
Our next speaker is not only the
class salutatorian, but he's also
one of the most...
Spirited... young men, I've ever
had the pleasure of teaching.
Ladies and gentlemen: Robbie
Robbie takes the stage to APPLAUSE. This is not the same
kid we've come to love. There's something different in
his face. He's been broken. He spots JESSICA.
(a bit monotone)
Thank you, Mrs. Thompson.
Welcome, Class of 2011.
I wasn't really sure what I wanted
to talk about today. Mrs.
Thompson said it might be good to
talk about growing up and getting
older and stuff. So I guess I'll
talk about that.
Cal watches, concerned. Where's his son?
I grew up a lot this year, I
think. I used to think that
growing up meant really growing.
Like getting taller and bigger.
But now I think that growing up
just makes you smaller. Your
dreams get smaller, and what you
want gets smaller...
I grew an inch and a half this
year, but I feel a lot smaller.
Cal sits forward, getting increasingly concerned.
I was in love. And I know that
makes parents laugh because I'm
only thirteen but whatever, I was.
103 CONTINUED: (2) 103
I believed that there was one true
love for everyone, and if you
fought for that person, your one
true love would always work out.
But that's not how it works. It
sounded good when I was younger,
but... it's just not how it works.
There's no such thing as one true
love for everyo--
Robbie turns. Cal is STANDING in the middle of the
crowd. Everyone turns to look at him.
(awkward, to crowd)
Silence. No one knows what to do. Cal is suddenly
May I have a word with my son?
It'll just take a second.
Cal tries to extricate himself from his row. He steps
over people, squeezes by people, almost trips.
Finally clear, he gathers himself, and tries to keep his
dignity as he marches down the aisle -- past his family.
Robbie comes to the front of the stage, bends down.
What are you doing?
I don't know. What are you doing?
Robbie's eyes well up with tears.
I was wrong, Dad. There's no such
thing as --
Cal turns toward the crowd, announces:
103 CONTINUED: (3) 103
My son's graduation speech sucks.
GASPS from the crowd.
Now standing, alone, front and center in front of an
entire eighth grade graduation ceremony.
He looks behind him at the panel of TEACHERS. MRS.
THOMPSON discreetly gives Cal the finger.
In fairness, I don't know where he
was going but I think we can all
agree it was heading in a pretty
depressing direction. And I
basically wrote it for him. I
mean, I didn't literally write it
but I sure as hell influenced it,
and the kid's already a spitting
image of his mother and I'll be
damned if this is what he's going
to get from me.
People squirm, uncomfortable. This is a train wreck.
My son -- not him, my actual son --
he believes in grand romantic
gestures. He believes that people
have soulmates. And we always
want to tell our thirteen-year-
olds that they're wrong, that `one
day you'll understand, young man.'
But maybe it should be the other
He looks at Tracy, out in the crowd.
I met my soulmate when I was
fifteen years old. Our first
date, we went for ice cream.
After, my dad started teasing me
about my `first date' the way dads
do. And I told him: `stop making
a big deal, Dad. I'm going to go
on lots of dates with plenty of
girls.' That was the first time I
ever lied to my father.
103 CONTINUED: (4) 103
I met my soulmate when I was
fifteen years old. And I have
loved her with everything I have
for every minute, of every day,
ever since she let me buy her that
first mint chip ice cream. I have
loved her through the birth of our
three perfect children, and I have
loved her even as I've hated her --
only married couples can truly
understand that one. And I don't
know what will wind up happening
with us -- I don't, Robbie, I'm
sorry I can't give you that -- but
I promise you this: I will never
stop trying. When you find `the
one' you never give up trying...
and I love you, my amazing boy,
for reminding me of that.
Robbie hugs his father as the crowd reacts. Cal kisses
his son on the head, then motions towards the microphone.
Robbie grabs it with newfound gusto and announces:
I still love you, Jessica! I've
loved you since the first time you
changed my sister's diaper! I've
loved you since...
The crowd reacts (LAUGHS, CHEERS, etc.) as Robbie
continues. Cal stands back and smiles. His boy is back.
104 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - LATER 104
The ceremony is over. Robbie heads over to his family.
They hug him, kiss him. Cal approaches Hannah and Jacob.
He smiles at her, adoring.
My perfect girl.
He kisses her forehead, turns to Jacob.
104 CONTINUED: 104
I already ordered a gun. I'm not
kidding. I ordered a Colt .45 on
a shady internet site, I can show
you the receipt. If you hurt her,
I am prepared to shoot you in the
Cal, I'm not going to --
Shut up, Jacob.
Jacob shuts up.
Wow. I like that.
Jacob smiles, shakes hands with Cal. Cal notices:
Is that a new shirt?
Hannah took me to the Gap. It's
actually not as bad as I thought.
Of course not, Cal. It's the Gap.
I got this at Nordstrom's.
And like that... order is restored in the universe.
OVER TO ROBBIE
Who approaches Jessica.
It was nice of you to come.
I wouldn't have missed it.
So, how are things with your dad?
104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
Strained. I took a summer
internship up at Stanford, gonna
head up there early. Figure it
can't hurt to get out of his line
of sight for a while.
Yeah, probably a good idea.
You were a good baby-sitter,
Jessica. I'm sorry if I made you
He holds out his hand, to shake, formally.
Wait: I thought you weren't
I'm not. But I figure: you like
my dad, and one day I'll look like
my dad, so I'll just come for you
It's a good plan.
She looks over her shoulder, reaches into her purse.
Until then: a little graduation
gift. To help get you through
She hands him something in an ENVELOPE: the same type of
envelope she once used for...
Robbie peeks inside. His eyes BUG OUT. Jessica kisses
him, sweetly, on the cheek.
You take care, Robbie.
Robbie watches her go. Love-struck once more. Cal steps
up next to his son.
You okay, buddy?
104 CONTINUED: (3) 104
I am now, Dad. I am now.
Robbie runs off to join his friends. Cal smiles.
I'm terrified of what's going to
become of him once he hits
Cal turns, Tracy has been watching.
We might have to lock him up.
Tracy smiles. Cal walks over toward her.
You gave a good eighth grade
I've been working on it for thirty
She LAUGHS, then... quiet.
Do you think we can ever come back
from all this, Cal?
I don't know. I'd like to try
though. I know I'd like to try.
She nods, thinking.
Things are just so messed up. And
it's been such a strange year.
I've been in such a strange place.
And we have all these problems, so
many problems I've lost count, but
at the end of the day, I mean, the
only thing I know --
She stops herself, emotional. Then, simply:
I am just so glad you took me for
that ice cream.
Cal smiles. They share the moment in silence. And then:
104 CONTINUED: (4) 104
It was rocky road by the way.
As they JOKE and ARGUE about what flavor the ice cream
was, we PULL BACK.
Off to the side, Robbie steps away from his friends and
watches them enjoy one another's company.
Crazy, Stupid, Love
Writers : Dan Fogelman
Genres : Comedy Drama Romance