DOGMA
EXT ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY
Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier,
the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline.
An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from
besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat.
His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises
than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small,
satisfied smile cross his face.
Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the
boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a
street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them
briefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean.
The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to
their faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod.
Their skates glide out of frame.
P.O.V. SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach.
We get closer and closer to him until...
One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales
violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely
beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them.
Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head.
OC VOICE
I don't understand - how can you base your lack of belief in God on the
writings Lewis Caroll?
The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse.
Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk.
INT AIRPORT - DAY
LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the
metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can.
LOKI
Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the Looking
Glass' - particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the
metaphorical meaning?
NUN
I wasn't aware there was one.
LOKI
Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham that is organized
religion. The Walrus - with his girth and good-nature - obviously refers to
either the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable Hindu elephant god,
Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an
obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of a
carpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem. what do
they do? They dupe all the oysters into followmg them. Then. when the
oysters collective guard is down. the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck and
devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says to
you, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythological
figures insures the destruction of one's inner-being.
BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats
popcorn and stares at...
A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family.
OC LOKI
Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our
actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes
a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!"
Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him,
kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun.
LOKI
'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale? I think not.
NUN
(really dazed)
I've... I've never really thought about it like that...
(beat; shocked; off her cassock)
What have I been doing with my life...?'.
LOKI
Don't look back. Just get out there and taste life.
(off donation can)
Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible - it's
another way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you've
been collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nice
piece of ass. You deserve it.
The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something.
A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki
faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the
still-transfixed Bartleby.
BARTLEBY
(looking OC)
Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God.
You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I just
heard you claim to be an atheist.
LOKI
C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. I
just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head
stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh. will
she have a bunch to confess.
(looks around)
Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to come
here all the time?
BARTLEBY
(off travelers)
I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them.
A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young
LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately.
OC BARTLEBY
All that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfect
moment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't even
know that the girl cheated on him while he was away.
OC LOKI
She did?
Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals.
BARTLEBY
Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both so
relieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could all
feel that way more offen.
LOKI
Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Now
what was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? If
it was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm
going to slug you.
BARTLEBY
(still looking OC)
You're never going to believe this: we're going home.
LOKI
(off Bartleby's popcorn)
Let me have some?
BARTLEBY
(pulls out envelope)
Look what somebody sent us in the mail.
(hands him a newspaper article and corn)
LOKI
Did you say we're going home?
(reads)
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism - Wow!"
Campaign."
(to Bartleby)
And?
BARTLEBY
Keep reading.
LOKI
(reads)
"Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent...
rededication...
(to Bartleby)
Again - and?
BARTLEBY
(snatches article) Give me this
(getting up; reading)
"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversary
is the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church
back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance to
the centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of
pleanry indulgence, which - according to Catholic beliefs - offers all who
pass through it's arches a morally clean slate."
(looks at Loki)
You still don't get it, do you?
LOKI
No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?
They start walking.
BARTLEBY
If you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedication
ceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso than
the sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man!
I don't know why I never thought of this before.
LOKI
(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)
Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.
BARTLEBY
It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction for
God's sake.
LOKI
So you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home?
BARTLEBY
No - by passing through the doors, our sins are
forgiven. Then all we have to do is die...
LOKI
Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die.
(chews popcorn)
BARTLEBY
(steps on conveyor belt)
You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?
LOKI
No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but this
archway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that.
(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)
BARTLEBY
Impossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete human
form then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no way
to keep us out. They have to let us in.
LOKI
(beat)
Who sent this thing?
BARTLEBY
I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us,
I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that
after all these years, we've found a loophole. He
can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back
in, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.
They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed.
LOKI
Yeah, but this plenary' indulgence thing is a church law, not Divine
Mandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
BARTLEBY
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son
of God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
LOKI
" ...I'll hold true in Heaven."
BARTLEBY
So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law.
LOKI
(beat; extends hand)
Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never
yielded positive results.
BARTLEBY
(accepts hand)
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
LOKI
There's just one thing I think I should do before we leave - something
that'Il get us back on His good side.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine
article.
LOKI
This is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read.
The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside
various profit charts and text.
OC BARTLEBY
(reading)
"Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."
Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article.
LOKI
I want to hit them.
BARTLEBY
Are you nuts?!
(crumples article)
We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize it
because you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?!
LOKI
What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position I
denied... thanks to you.
BARTLEBY
A killing spree is not going to make things better for us.
LOKI
We're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice.
We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone.
He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done.
BARTLEBY
There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean
anything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong?
LOKI
If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we pass through the arch and
we're forgiven anyway
They step up to an elevator and press the button.
BARTLEBY
(considering it)
Well... he does hate competition.
(reading article)
And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading.
LOKI
The church we have to go to is where?
BARTLEBY
New ]ersey. The Rededication is in four days.
The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well.
LOKI
Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can
do the next best thing.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
LOKI
Let's kill people.
A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close.
OPENING CREDITS
Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from
the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in
the emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally
resting in an intensive care wing.
EXT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The church sits on a grassy knoll in Mc Henry - a suburb of Chicago. Some
kids tear by on bikes and egg it.
OC PRIEST
The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will be
holding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choice
league next Sunday at two.
INT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the
faithful.
PRIEST
Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of
the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to work
schedules are urged to show their support in the fight against the
thoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on the
field. Refreshments. as always, will be served.
Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the
parishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One
surreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue
while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking
the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler
hidden by his hymnal book.
OC PRIEST
Today's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentified
homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore
last Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's
hospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in tracking
down any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, the
Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision to
remove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholics
all over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally -
will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now,
please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, the
father...
As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a
beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks
her watch and exhales softly.
OC VOICE
I don't really want to be here.
ENT PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY
A small gaggle of signcarrying RIght-to-Lifer's march in front of the
sterile looking building.
OC VOICE
But then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you.
INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching
out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.
GIRL
You know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tells
me I should be more careful in the future, I should show' some
responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is the first time the
counselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take
abortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the first
place.
BETHANY
I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make sure you really want to go
through with this.
GIRL
I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot bovfriend swore up and down
he was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now are
there?
BETHANY
Ever think about having it?
GIRL
(beat)
What woman doesn't on some level.
BETHANY
I never did.
GIRL
(incredulous)
You had an abortion?
BETHANY
(lights a smoke)
My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy -
Walter Flanagan. We were really in love, right? So much so. that we decided
to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this college in Pittsburgh. So
there we are -away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry
about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just constanly doing it.
And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says we
should quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that that'lI screw
up our educations. We fought about it for a week - my arguement being there
was no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a couple
of years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes... I
mean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation, we got
married and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hell
for the first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a gynocologist to
see if everything was okay on my end.
(beat)
It wasn't.
(takes a drink)
My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed the
procedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able to
have a child.
The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues.
BETHANY
So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news to
my husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. And
after I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubs
his eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody
use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? I
tried to talk him out of it; told him there were alternatives - like we
could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have his
children.
GIRL
(beat)
What happened?
BETHANY
He remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We never
spoke again. And now I do this.
GIRL
That's like... such a sad story.
BETHANY
I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. He
told me I had the stock superhero story -I wanted to prevent a wrong that
had happened to me from ever happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman,
he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it... unless
all my other clothes are in the wash.
(smiles and puts out her smoke)
So... let's go over your paperwork.
EXT CLINIC - DAY
A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's.
They shake their placards at her accusingly.
PROTESTOR 1
You should be ashamed of yourself!
PROTESTOR 2
Child killer!
LIZ
(looking over their shoulders)
HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!!
As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary
pontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic.
INT CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY
A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN
DOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her
coat.
LIZ
Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you talk
to them or something?
BETHANY
They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse - you're
]ewish,
you don't know any better.
LIZ
I don't think they'd accept that one - we already used it as our excuse for
killing Christ. So where were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went
out for brunch?
BETHANY
I went to church.
LIZ
That kills me. You and church. We work in a field that specializes in
pissing off the cloth and you add insult to injury by breaking bread with
them every week.
BETHANY
I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I can remember sitting in
church when I was a kid and being moved - like everything meant something,
like I was important. And the stories of all these holy people were so
inspiring. Now I sit there and think about my checking, and what I'm going
to wear to work the next day.
LIZ
So then why do you still go?
BETHANY
(beat)
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
LIZ
You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs? We're friends, Bethany
- I may mock you for being a divorce' at twenty five who's never had an
orgasm, but I'd never mock you for having faith.
BETHANY
That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any faith left.
LIZ
(making coffee)
I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She told me that faith is like a
glass of water. When you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to fill
up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount
of water doesn't fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be
refilled.
BETHANY
A fifteen year old who came in here said that?
LIZ
She had gotten knocked up by her pastor.
BETHANY
Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager -isn't anyone afraid of the
Lord's wrath anymore?
LIZ
That would require faith, and that commodity lately seems reserved only for
the psychotic zealots that hang around outside.
(collects her things to leave)
So what are you doing tonight?
BETHANY
Watching T.V.
LIZ
Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes.
BETHANY
It's been my experience that the average male is never a man - not even for
ten minutes in his entire life span.
LIZ
Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
BETHANY
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
LIZ
Then girl, you better get back to church and ask God for a third option.
BETHANY
I think God is dead.
LIZ
The sign of a true Catholic.
Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her.
INT A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair,
upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be
in a den or library.
SHADOWY FIGURE
All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the powers will attempt to
contact the Last Scion. You know where she is. She must be elliminated
befoie she enters the frav. When she is negated, there will be nothing to
interfere with our plan. Shuffle her loose her mortal coil, that we may
obtain our final glory.
(beat)
Go.
The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off.
INT BETHANY'S KITCHIEN - NIGHT
The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a
chocolate cake and closes the door.
INT BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v.
The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She
sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake.
INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking
floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow.
She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat.
Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be
shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany
leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can
see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze.
VOICE
(powerful; booming)
BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND
VOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the
room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in
mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister,
swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice
sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops
squirting and turns on her bedside lamp.
A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her
away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to
the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked.
METATRON
(between coughs)
Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?!
Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.
BETHANY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!
METATRON
(slowly rising to it's feet)
I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!
BETHANY
(reaching for phone, still holding bat)
I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they're
going to lock you up for life...!
M ETATRON
(wiping off clothes)
No dial tone.
BETHANY
(ear to phone)
You cut the phone lines...
(even more offensive with bat)
Get the fuck out of here, now!
METATRON
Or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks.
METATRON
Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!
BETHANY
Oh God - you're going to rape me...
METATRON
I'm not going to rape you.
(to itself; off clothes)
Look at my suit...!
BETHANY
Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me...
METATRON
Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to.
(unzips pants and pulls them off)
Angels are ill-equipped.
Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is
nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and
anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
METATRON
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
(rings out pants)
You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to
rape you.
BETHANY
Wh..what are you?
METATRON
I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into
your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid.
(pulls pants back on)
Go get me a towel, will you?
Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds
it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off.
METATRON
(taking off jacket)
Stand back.
Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's
back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.
METATRON
(tosses towel away)
Like I was saying - I am the Metatron.
Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks
insulted.
METATRON
Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy.
METATRON
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right?
(beat)
I am a seraphim.
(beat)
The highest choir of angels?
(beat)
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
Bethany slowly nods.
METATRON
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo
claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking
to themselves.
BET HANY
(beat)
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
METATRON
Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human
beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand
the awesome
power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in
and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's
before we figured that out.
BETHANY
Are you going to kill me?
Ni ETATRON
I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You're
called.
BETH ANY
(beat)
Called how? How called?
METATRON
All that from two words. Color this angel impressed.
BETHANY
(beat)
How do I know you're an angel?
METATRON
Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You
people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila?
(snaps fingers)
INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her
pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over.
BETHANY
Where the hell are we?!
METATRON
The only place one can go for good tequila.
(to Waiter)
Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.
WAITER
Si.
The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he
goes.
METATRON
Gracias, senor.
BETHANY
We're in Mexico?!
METATRON
Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was
still an impressive trick
(lights smoke)
You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our
profile low.
BETHANY
I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdest
dream I've ever had.
METATRON
Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them
insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.
BETHANY
What do you want with me?
METATRON
I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
(pause)
You do know what a crusade is, don't you?
BETHANY
(sarcastically)
Uh, yeah.
METATRON
Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had to
look the word up.
BETHANY
Why am I supposed to go on a crusade?
METATRON
Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately.
The Waiter arrives with their drinks.
METATRON
Oh - Gracias!
(he leaves; off the tequila)
One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from the
primordial ooze.
(sips)
BETHANY
I work in an abortion clinic.
METATRON
(spits tequila into empty glass)
Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you
to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
BETH ANY
New ]ersey.
METATRON
Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day.
Agreed?
BETHANY
That doesn't sound like a crusade.
METATRON
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
BETHANY
What's the fine print?
METATRON
(mumbles into glass)
stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Damn, this is good tequila.
(sips)
BETHANY
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
METATRON
Damn, this is good tequila?
BETHANY
The first part.
METATRON
(spits into empty glass)
Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all
existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
BETHANY
Clarify that.
METATRON
That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No
leaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Here
goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his
wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and
Gommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out
everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And
he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any
longer.
BETHANY
Why?
METATRON
Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
BETHANY
Grigori?
METATRON
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do?
BETHANY
So they're like Guardian angels?
METATRON
Exactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all the
first born of Egypt...
BETHANY
The Tenth Plague.
METATRON
See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy;
mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly
theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted?
(Bethany nods)
So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this
discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now,
Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention the
fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartleby
convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that
doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits:
throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the
rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no
longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.
BETHANY
Sounds reasonable.
METATRON
Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature.
BETHANY
I mean about the angel of Death's resignation.
METATRON
For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel of Death we're talking about. The
Angel of Death can't be a conscientious objector. The Angel of Death is
charged with meting out whatever justice God demands. So for their
insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.
BETHANY
Were they sent to Hell?
METATRON
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world
ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
BETHANY
And what's this have to do with me?
METATRON
Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow
them to reenter Heaven.
BETHANY
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
METATRON
It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree.
Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's
form and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To
prove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become
down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In
essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the
world.
BETHANY
Are these guys that bitter?
METATRON
No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions will
result in. As far as they know, they're just going home. Isn't that sweet?
BETHANY
If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do
something?
METATRON
He could. He could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turn
them into plants. But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
BETHANY
Why me?
METATRON
Because of who you are.
BETHANY
And who am I?
METATRON
The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions just serve your
purpose.
BETHANY
I'll pass.
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
BETHANY
When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my uterus -where was God? When
my
husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children
- where was
God? Now all the sudden, after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in
my life, He
sends one of His lackey's my way who tells me I should save the world, and
as what -
some sort of test? To Hell with Him.
METATRON
Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your petty
crap. It's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you even
less now when the fate of existence
hangs in the balance. Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked
out of being just because you have a grudge against your creator.
BETHANY
A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic? It's my own private way of
saying
"fuck you" to God.
METATRON
And any other day I'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoy
yourself and goodnight. But this isn't about you - this is about eve~body.
So you lost the abiliry to make life. You're being offered the chance to
play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it.
(swigs her drink and spits it out)
But I can't make you. You'll do what you will. However, if you should
decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be
alone. You'll have support.
BETHANY
What, more angels?
NIETATRON
Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right
away - one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks - and he will at
great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of
himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be
helpful
just the same.
(looks at watch)
I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're
working in a time frame here.
Metatron moves to exit.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hey.
(Metatron turns)
You work for God.
METATRON
They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to be severely pissed - what
with all these years of bossing people around on his behalf and
expectorating perfectly good tequila.
BETHANY
What's he like? God?
METATRON
(thinks)
Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
BETHANY
I'll bet.
METATRON
Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to look
so stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all the
time, just for fun.
BETHANY
But we do.
METATRON
I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs.
BETHANY
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
METATRON
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
And with that, Nietatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man
mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red
Corvette'.
INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red
Corvette'. She lays back down.
INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl
speaks, butBethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied.
INT CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and
turns on the alarm.
EXT CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking.
As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward
her.
Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse for
her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving
slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly.
Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed.
BETHANY
(calling into the darkness)
God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it for
tomorrow, alright?
There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against
the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source.
Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her
knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but
she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her
purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his
stick. Bethany looks up.
The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap
their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces
them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her.
And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on
the ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short and
regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive
stance, Batman-style.
The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew.
From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the
streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick.
He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the
face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into
the air behind him.
The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the
large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. He
swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The
smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feet
into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller
figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows
into their backs.
The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure,
screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat
and quickly
head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat
and then shakes it off.
The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the
distance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away.
SMALL FIGURE
(calling after them)
GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!
(more to himself)
Snoogans.
The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one
another and shake hands.
SMALL FIGURE
Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking asses!
Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground.
BETHANY
Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!
SMALL FIGURE
From this comic book some guys made about us. Long story.
BETHANY
(beat)
I don't know what to say... or think.
The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the
first time - two very familiar faces.
SMALL FIGURE
Say you'll offer us sex as a reward.
BETHANY
Who are you?
The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand.
SMALL FIGURE
Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.
BIETHANY
Well thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what are
you doing out here so late?
(freezes)
Wait a second are you protestors?
JAY
What's a protestor?
BETHANY
You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
JAY
You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no.
Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fucking
business.
BETHANY
Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging
around?
JAY
We're here to pick up chicks.
BETHANY
(a bit stunned)
Excuse me?
JAY
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else
would they be there unless they like to fuck.
BETHANY
(taken aback)
Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think.
JAY
(shocked)
Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to take
off? What the shit is that?
BETHANY
I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be any
better. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down.
(opens her car door)
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey and
selling weed~
(they start walking)
At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit.
Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head.
BETHANY
(to herself)
You've gotta be kidding me.
(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!
She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively.
BETHANY
Sorry.
(beat)
Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...
(inhales deeply)
Would you... like to have a drink with me?
Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm.
JAY
See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank
you!
(looking skyward)
Thank you, God!
INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Various guns are laid out atop a glass case.
OC SALESMAN
Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody
- I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on.
Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him.
LOKI
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much.
BARTLEBY
It's the weapon of choice these days.
LOKI
It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I
strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?
SALESMAN
Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or
something.
LOKI
Batman never uses guns.
(off gun)
I don't know. It feels impersonal.
BARTLEBY
Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah.
Now that was something.
LOKI
Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all
the work.
BARTLEBY
What work? You lit a few fires.
LOKI
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire.
Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the
most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
(to Salesman)
I'll take this one.
SALESMAN
Five seventy five to walk with it right now.
Loki starts sifting through his wallet.
BARTLEBY
Soccer?
INT DINER - NIGHT
An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the
bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops
chewing.
Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and
nods.
All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English
muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a
minute.
BETHANY
Are you both from around here?
JAY
I'm hard as hell.
BETHANY
Do you live in the city?
JAY
Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so,
I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
BETHANY
You're a man of principle. Where do you come from?
JAY
We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically
knew everybody.
BETHANY
What brought you to McHenry?
JAY
Hollywood.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hollywood?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one
day this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have
anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at
Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen
Candles'. Did you ever see it?
BETHANY
Yes.
JAY
So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science'
where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they
don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of
Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch.
(points to Silent Bob)
BETHANY
(to Silent Bob)
What'd you do?
JAY
You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream
guy at the prom?
(Bethany nods)
Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And the
manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you bald
cocksucker! I'll kick your lard..
BETHANY
(speeding him along)
So what exactly brought you to Illinois?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in
Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick
all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson
- he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says
to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in
Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a
bus. But when we got here,
you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of
shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
BETHANY
And now you live here?
JAY
Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you
don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking
about taking off. Until we met you, that is.
(kisses her hand)
BETHANY
(retracts her hand)
Right. So how much longer are you staying here?
JAY
Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex.
BETHANY
No. How long are you staying in McHenry?
JAY
We're leaving tomorrow.
BETHANY
Where are you going next?
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.
(to Bethany)
Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five
years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad
years. No more adventures.
BETHANY
I see.
(sips her coffee)
JAY
Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in
the ass?
BETHANY
I didn't ask you out for sex.
JAY
I'll take head.
BETHANY
I don't know why, but...
(composes herself)
...I want to go with you.
JAY
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
(shrugs to Silent Bob)
Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
BETHANY
No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
JAY
Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most
chicks try to get out.
BETHANY
When can we leave?
JAY
Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not?
BETHANY
You're going to lead me somewhere.
JAY
Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not
going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for?
BETHANY
Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to
go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot.
JAY
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~..
(to Silent Bob)
Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex?
(to Bethany)
...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and
you don't even know where it is?
BETHANY
(beat)
Do you believe in God?
JAY
(horrified)
Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out
of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak!
(to Silent Bob, getting up)
Let's go...
BETHANY
(grabbing his sleeve)
No. wait...
JAY
(pulling back)
I'll scream rape.
BETHANY
I can pay you.
JAY
(quickly sitting back down)
Pay?
BETHANY
For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to
tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all
expenses.
JAY
(thinks; to Silent Bob)
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and
we're in that fucked up bar.
(to Bethany)
What about sex?
BETHANY
No sex.
JAY
Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like
five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you
fuck us then?
BETHANY
In that highly unlikely situation?
(beat)
Yeah, sure.
JAY
Yeah? You slut. Noonch.
(to Silent Bob)
What do you think?
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.
JAY
Alright. But I'll drive.
EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully
loudly.
INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT
The speedometer reads ninety five.
Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his
right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable
and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races.
BETHANY
(yelling over engine noise)
What gear are you in?
JAY
(not looking back)
Gear?
EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open
and smoke billows out.
JAY
(defensively)
Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before!
Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head.
JAY
Chicks.
Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on
the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by.
INT BUS - NIGHT
Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at
the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.
BARTLEBY
We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna,
Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
LOKI
With a very important stop in Cleveland.
BARTLEBY
Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie.
LOKI
Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you
bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.
(looks out window)
All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese?
BARTLEBY
He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed
Him again.
LOKI
Where were we afraid He'd send us?
BARTLEBY
New Jersey.
LOKI
Now that, my friend. is irony.
BARTLEBY
(beat)
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure
of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when
eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when
people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays?
LOKI
That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me
- I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
You don't believe me?
(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)
There. There's one.
BARTLEBY
(off couple)
So what? They're kissing.
LOKI
Adultery.
BARTLEBY
That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating?
LOKI
You'd know better than me - let's hear it.
BARTLEBY
Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are.
LOKI
A test?
BARTLEBY
Of sorts. So what's your proof?
LOKI
He's wearing a wedding band.
BARTLEBY
So? Maybe that's his wife.
LOKI
No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion
dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows?
BARTLEBY
What are you talking about?
LOKI
A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is
won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied
with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious
because he's saddled with a life-mate.
BARTLEBY
Very romantic sentiment.
LOKI
That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days,
nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for
property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through
offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to
the status quo?
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors.
LOKI
Lionel Richie's old group?
BARTLEBY
No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and
dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.
LOKI
Sounds like the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the
balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because
they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic
courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made
such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates.
LOKI
That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the
'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day
they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start
looking for Shermer, Illinois.
BARTLEBY
Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.
(off couple)
So is it adultery or not?
LOKI
(thinks; to couple)
Excuse me.
The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.
LOKI
Are you married?
MAN
(puzzled)
Why?
LOKI
Just curious.
MAN
(holds up ring finger)
What do you think?
The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a
"Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.
MAN
(breaks kiss; pissed)
What?!
LOKI
To her?
MAN
What?
LOKI
Are you married to her?
MAN
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?!
Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man
in the head. Screaming ensues.
EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a
beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.
BARTLEBY
You're such an asshole.
LOKI
Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
Troubadors.
EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN
Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various
wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well,
maybe you, but definitely not me.
(beat)
Let me know how she is.
BETHANY
(turns on him)
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!
JAY
At least not in this car.
BETHANY
(sighs)
I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking.
But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where
you two get off.
JAY
You're breaking up with us?
BETHANY
Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye.
Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking
people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't
just fall out of the sky, you know!
On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two
parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and
ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and
rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as
Silent Bob joins him.
JAY
(yelling up)
A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?!
(beat; to Silent Bob)
Was worth a try.
Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.
BETHANY
No heartbeat.
JAY
Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that
flick?
BETHANY
(starts CPR'ing him)
I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high.
MAN
Not necessarily.
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.
JAY
KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
MAN
That sounds familiar.
BETHANY
Jesus, are you okay?
MAN
Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.
JAY
He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!
RUFUS
(getting up with Bethany's help)
What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something?
JAY
Mind your own fucking business!
RUFUS
(to Jay)
Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fucking
migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.
JAY
(hiding behind Silent Bob)
I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!
BETHANY
I think he was aiming a bit further south.
(to Rufus)
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it?
RUFUS
Rufus it is, Miss.
(to Silent Bob)
Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my
own threads?
Jay looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
Dude, he fell out of thin air!
Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.
JAY
Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!
RUFUS
(to Silent Bob)
I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.
Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.
BETHANY
Where exactly did you fall from?
RUFUS
Some might say grace.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Dude, he's talking about your mom.
Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.
Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles
slightly.
OC BETHANY
You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling
out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've
been deaiing with.
OC RUFUS
Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.
Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out
at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.
The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY
Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.
Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He
rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.
Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up
hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side
and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.
The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips
downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it,
disappearing.
Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately.
The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in
lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself,
grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an
arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it
seals shut.
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock.
JAY
Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attacked
by the fucking Mighty Ducks!
RUFUS
(wiping off hands)
Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time.
BETHANY
How can you be so composed? We were almost killed.
RUFUS
Death is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay and
necrophiliacs.
JAY
See! I told you he was the undead!
RU FUS
Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrection
once when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.
BETHANY
(incredulous)
Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?
RUFUS
Knew him? I saw him naked.
BETHANY
Let me guess - you're another angel?
RUFUS
No, I'm a man - just like you and him.
(looks at Jay)
Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly two
thousand years. Here.
(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)
JAY
No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
BETHANY
(unrollingit)
It's not a joint.
(looks at it)
I can't read this.
RUFUS
It's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked me
out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out
of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one place
long enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continue
this discussion over something to eat?
BETHANY
(snaps)
WAIT A SECOND!
(inhales deeply)
I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those...
kids came from?!
RUFUS
They came from Hell. I came from Heaven.
(walking away)
Let's start walking.
JAY
Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?
RUFUS
Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?
(exits)
Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability.
JAY
What's an apostle?
Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other.
EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN
A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started up
yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and
Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved
thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the
article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby,
smiling. They head toward the front doors.
INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN
A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from
the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original
owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated
on a couch. They look scared.
FIGURE
Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leave
them a message... Bye.
The Figure hangs up the phone and rises.
FIGURE
You say the girl has already met the prophets?
The Stygian Triplets nod.
FIGURE
She grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our plan
is jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromise
us further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is not
found. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm
left with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package.
(sighs)
I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.
The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock.
EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWN
Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to
an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
(off new clothes)
It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find some
threads?
A car full of teens whip past them.
TEEN
(yelling from passing car)
GARBAGE PICKER!
RUFUS
(waves to them)
Thank you.
(to group)
What's that mean?
JAY
It means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster.
RUFUS
So it's a good thing, then.
(handing coat back to Silent Bob)
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Lucky you.
RUFUS
(off food)
Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's
milk. What do you call this shit?
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me.
RUFUS
Like what?
BETHANY
Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me?
RUFUS
Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not really
related. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a
neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked
like" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on the
way to a detention center.
BETHANY
So they're dead too?
RUFUS
You'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're
stubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which
means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to
summon demons.
BETHANY
Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?
RUFUS
Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even know
who this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They both
showed up at the same time.
BETHANY
I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find
us?
RUFUS
You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living.
Especially in the shower.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't wait to die.
BETHANY
And why are you watching me?
RUFUS
Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that
book you all hold so much stock in.
JAY
Hustler?
RUFUS
The Bible.
BETHANY
What's your beef with the Bible?
RUFUS
I'm not in it.
JAY
Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.
RUFUS
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle.
BETHANY
I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a
thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
RUFUS
See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add.
But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my
pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are
basing a faith on.
BETHANY
What's that?
RUFUS
Jesus wasn't white; He was black.
Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and
then each other.
JAY
Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue
eyes.
RUFUS
(wiping hands)
That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established
the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be
decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was
black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric,
even though the brother was blacker than Jesse.
BETHANY
If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out?
RUFUS
Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New
Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His
ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to
choose from.
JAY
I don't buy it.
RUFUS
That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.
BETHANY
You were martyred?
RUFUS
That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to
shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world
and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian
following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about
Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was
black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed
the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to
accessonze.
BETH ANY
Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?
RUFUS
Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good
shit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're
getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is
called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You going to eat that hash brown?
BETHANY
So you went to Heaven?
RUFUS
Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and
followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,
did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into His
message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He
was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from
getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
BETHANY
How do you know about that?
RUFUS
Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is
news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great
tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.
BETHANY
I find that hard to believe.
RUFUS
When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
JAY
(shocked)
You did that?
BETHANY
Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.
RUFUS
Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was...
BETHANY
...BryanJohnson.
RUFUS
Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in
Hell, too.
Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.
JAY
(intrigued)
Tell me something about me.
RUFUS
(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)
You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet.
JAY
Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
RUFUS
You think about guys when you do it.
Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.
JAY
Not all the time!
Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus
joins her.
RUFUS
I'm sorty if I spooked you.
BETHANY
I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively.
RUFUS
That's the way it goes with celebrities.
BETHANY
What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the
suburbs who counsels pregnant teens.
RUFUS
You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He
was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure
you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.
BETHANY
Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?
RUFUS
Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for
the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of
destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.
BETHANY
Why me?
RUFUS
Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry
the burden. It all rides on you.
BFTRANY
(rubbing her temples)
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know,
yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass in
Christian Mythology.
RUFUS
God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.
BFTHANY
Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call it
instead.
(looking OC; concerned)
Now where did those two assholes go?
INT STRIP JOINT
It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men
paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and
chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the
music. The crowd is rather thin.
Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on...
The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and
growing littler by the second.
Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice
pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The
Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and
performs his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge of
the stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her
G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair,
excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay.
BETHANY
(shouting above the music)
What are you doing?
JAY
Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay.
BETHANY
What?
RUFUS
Long story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to New
Jersey?
BETHANY
I had a car.
She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't
feel it.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
We could go by train.
RUFUS
(looking OC)
Sounds cool.
BETHANY
There's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations.
Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side.
BETHANY
No, it's okay. I can handle it.
Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits.
The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself.
Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills.
ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks
watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them.
JAY
(banging on stage)
Sweet thing!
(Hashes another five)
Look what I found! Snoog!
The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more
banging.
The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill
from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his
posse smile and slap hands.
The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward
the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob.
The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously
loud throat~learing.
Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding.
The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang
Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly.
The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader
produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader
- produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash.
Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle,
gyrating and sizing up the best offer.
Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. He
sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her
legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at
the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face.
The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat,
producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music
scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang
Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up.
GANG LEADER
You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time.
JAY
It's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most.
DANCER
Bitch?
JAY
No offense, baby.
GANG LEADER
The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with the
most led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led in
your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin?
JAY
(to Dancer)
Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-be
down.
DANCER
(to Gang Leader)
Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.
GANG LEADER
Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget!
The Dancer moves to the side.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay)
Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about to
intone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I
didn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humble
apology.
Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but
Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs.
Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily.
JAY
You want an apology?
GANG LEADER
(cocks gun)
Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through that
thick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain
dispensation.
JAY
(beat; zips jacket closed)
Know what I'm doing?
GANG LEADER
No. What you doing?
JAY
I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get your
filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why?
GANG LEADER
Why?
JAY
Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is that
you got shit for brains.
The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment.
GANG LEADER
Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without the
explanation.
JAY
No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine's
firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is
gonna be all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away?
Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a
monkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring a
coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it
and stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach.
The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so
frightened.
JAY
You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fucking
plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will.
(thumbs at Silent Bob)
What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta be
with me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words
- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he's
gonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets in
your bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to see
the hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think of
it, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't even
understand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it
to you.
(to Silent Bob)
Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.
Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at
him.
JAY
What are you waiting for?!
Silent Bob shrugs.
JAY
(flabbergasted)
YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob kind of nods
JAY
(shocked)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T
HAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly.
JAY
THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I
WOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU
DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?
(beat)
HUNHH?!?
Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles.
GANG LEADER
What was that about a coconut?
Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob.
JAY
No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got no
gun!
GANG LEADER
Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here.
JAY
(sheepishly)
Can we talk this over?
GANG LEADER
Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like.
Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He
puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action,
smiling.
Jay fumes.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't believe you.
(to Gang Leader)
Do me a favor.
(points to Silent Bob)
Shoot this piece of shit first.
(to Silent Bob; disgusted)
No gun!
Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and
Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and
begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins.
The Gang watches, perplexed.
Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing.
SILENT BOB
HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!
AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!
AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!
WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -
WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!
The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens
and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up.
JAY
NA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
SILENT BOB
(as Fat Albert)
HEY! HEY! HEY!
JAY
NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed.
RUFUS
I thought she looked familiar.
BETHANY
Who?
RUFUS
(he nods toward the stage)
Serendipity.
Bethany looks to the stage.
The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow.
INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY
Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby,
the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on
Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in
the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are
adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a
stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of
the insipid creature.
Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They
chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters,
taking his place at the head of the conference table.
WHITLAND
Good morning, shoppers.
(slaps a file on table)
Has anyone seen the over-night's?
An anticipatory hush fills the room.
WHITLAND
We creamed 'em.
A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.
WHITLAND
(reading from file)
And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we
have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,
we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that
shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow
can't supercede those numbers and...
(stops and sniffs the air)
Do I smell onions?
Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is
carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.
Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.
WHITLAND
I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with?
The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.
WHITLAND
(to Bartleby and Loki)
Excuse me.
Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head.
Loki lifts his head without looking up.
LOKI
(very distracted)
Hmm?
WHITLAND
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
LOKI
(still preoccupied)
My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way.
Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing
correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions
International?
WHITLAND
You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what
the fuck you're doing in our conference room?
LOKI
(to Bartleby, still not looking up)
You may proceed, mon ami'.
BARTLEBY
I can't believe you.
(to Whitland)
I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant
toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even
involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he
wants...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Just read 'em their rights already.
BARTLEBY
(sighs; circling the table)
Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten
teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning
schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in
nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time
Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and
spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a
library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed
'MoobyWorld'.
(beat)
Did I miss anything?
Whitland and company stare for a beat.
WHITLAND
You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this?
BARTLEBY
(grimly)
You and your board are idolators.
Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands
beside Bartleby.
LOKI
(to Bartleby)
How could your forget the magazine?
Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the
sculpture.
LOKI
It's you.
(sets sculpture on table)
Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to
Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an
arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo
doll.
(sneezes; waits; continues)
A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the
desired result is that the individual will feel the effects.
WHITLAND
(to nearest board member)
Call security - now.
Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.
LOKI
All lines are currently down.
BARTLEBY
(to Whitland)
Again -. I apologize for my friend's...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Would you just get on with it?!
BARTLEBY
(miffed; to Whitland)
You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord.
You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of
you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery
of morality.
(looks to Loki; Loki nods)
Like you - Mister Bernard.
(stands behind board member)
Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice
with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at
her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids.
LOKI
In the bed you and your wife share, no less.
The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves
on.
BARTLBY
And you, Mister Newman.
Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania'
and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the
room.
BARTLEBY
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid
a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just
so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed
the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months
later. You sent flowers to her wake.
The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves
quickly around the table.
BARTLEBY
(not liking his job)
Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a
third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to
purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines
on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister
Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe
and toxic materials because it was less costly.
Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.
BARTLEBY
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have
never misused your power here.
She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.
BARTLEBY
But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this
assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud.
Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear.
Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.
LOKI
You're her father, you sick fuck.
Whitland begins sobbing.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
Can I go now?
LOKI
(cheerily rubbing his head)
Go on, you crazy kid.
Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.
LOKI
With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst
you. Do you know what makes a human being decent?
(beat)
Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear
anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind
your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from
one another. But not from God.
Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.
LOKI
I forgot my little voo-doo doll.
(looks at Whitland)
Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure.
Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He
sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a
shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed.
Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.
LOKI
I don't believe in voo-doo.
Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors
burst open and Loki storms back in.
LOKI
But I do believe in this.
Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a
flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with
her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.
LOKI
(smiling)
It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure
soul.
She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.
LOKI
But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.
He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.
OC BARTLEBY
(cautionary)
Loki!
Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.
LOKI
(to woman)
Sorry. Force of habit.
He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens
her eyes and looks around.
INT STRIP JOINT - LATER
Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other
gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.
GANG LEADER
(to Gang)
Watch this shit.
(to Jay)
Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.
JAY
(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')
Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.
The Gang laughs hysterically.
GANGSTER 1
Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!
Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.
RUFUS
(elated)
I forgot you were down here! How long now?
SERENDIPITY
Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary
expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign?
BETHANY
What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here
specifically to help me?
SERENDIPITY
Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a
month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days
of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric.
RUFUS
(joking)
Artsy-fartsy bitch.
SERENDIPITY
Who you calling artsy-fartsy?
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem.
BETHANY
Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's
a woman.
RUFUS
The girl's not a woman.
(to Serendipity)
No offense.
BETHANY
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
SERENDIPITY
(tugs on boobs)
What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits
don't make a woman.
RUFUS
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a
woman.
SERENDIPITY
Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally defines
a woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see...
Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly,
revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's.
SERENDIPITY
I lack definition.
OC JAY
Hey! They're getting a free show!
Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party.
BETHANY
(weary)
Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.
SERENDIPITY
How do you know Metatron?
(to Rufus)
How does she know Metatron?
RUFUS
This is the last Scion.
SERENDIPITY
(beat)
You're kidding.
RUFUS
Don't you see the resemblance?
SERENDIPITY
(stares at Bethany)
A bit.
(suddenly nervous)
Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.
BETHANY
I'm confused.
RUFUS
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any
means a human being like I was and you are.
SERENDIPITY
Amen to that.
(swigs her beer and spits it out)
BETHANY
Then who is she?
SERENDIPITY
Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. I
used to be an abstract.
BETHANY
Now I'm really lost.
RUFUS
Serendipity's an idea.
SERENDIPITY
Try all ideas.
BETHANY
Meaning?
SERENDIPITY
I'm a muse, stupid.
Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively.
BETHANY
I can't take much more of this.
(downs her beer)
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.
You can appreciate her frame of mind.
BETHANY
(to Serendipity)
So you - what - inspire people?
SERENDIPITY
What just went down with your friends over there-you don't think they
thought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and
passed it along to the boys.
RUFUS
If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now.
BETHANY
You made them sing that song?
SERENDIPITY
I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves.
Thankfully, they took it.
BETHANY
Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea if
it was given to them in a specially marked box.
SERENDIPITY
Dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-called
intelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea.
RUFUS
Ain't that the truth.
BETHANY
Prove it. Give me a good idea.
SERENDIPITY
If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - as
you say - dense.
BETHANY
(beat)
Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besides
stupid ones?
SERENDIPITY
I used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth.
BETHANY
Movies?
SERENDIPITY
In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch.
BETHANY
What have I seen that you've been involved with?
SERENDIPITY
Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example:
I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time.
BETHANY
Nine?
SERENDIPITY
The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in
and he fights them off?
(Bethany nods)
I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get
the grosses up on that piece of shit.
RUFUS
Which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing
stripping?
SERENDIPITY
Well you remember why I left, right?
RUFUS
You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for
your ideas.
SERENDIPITY
And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn
out real trash.
(to Bethany)
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks
notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my
fortune.
BETHANY
So what happened?
SERENDIPITY
Writer's block.
RUFUS
Writer's block?
SERENDIPITY
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the
typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a
grocery list.
BETHANY
What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
SERENDIPITY
That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second,
but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
BETHANY
Whose?
SERENDIPITY
God's.
BETHANY
You're saying God's a woman.
SERENDIPITY
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
BETHANY
The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him.
SERENDIPITY
I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that
holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men.
One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the
editorial process.
RUFUS
Another one's that you can't jerk off.
SERENDIPITY
(to Bethany)
See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt
threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their
fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the
whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the
first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts
Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.
Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists
than the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined.
BETHANY
(stunned)
God is a woman...
SERENDIPITY
I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can
create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother
could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with
humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so
psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel
completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel
at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the
aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can
make it all better is...
BETHANY
...mom. God, it makes sense.
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Shit, you still have a knack for words.
SERENDIPITY
Not really useful in my new line of work.
RUFUS
What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?
SERENDIPITY
In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own.
See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's
dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that
much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results
in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts
forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to
save and enjoy... or sell.
(takes a drink)
Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.
RUFUS
How long are you going to keep this up?
SERENDIPITY
Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time
to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the
prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore -
especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the
aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't
take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an
excuse not to get laid...
(conspiratorily to Bethany)
...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand.
RLFLS
Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You
remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby?
SERENDIPITY
Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience.
RUFUS
They found a way back.
SERENDIPITY
(shocked)
God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?
BETHANY
You know about that?
SERENDIPITY
I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to
destroy existence.
RUFUS
Bethany's Catholic.
SERENDIPITY
My condolences.
BETHANY
What do you have against Catholics?
SERENDIPITY
Ever been to a Catholic mass?
BETHANY
Once or twice.
SERENDIPITY
It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave.
And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v.
You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it.
BETHANY
So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?
SERENDIPITY
When are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's a
question of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you
believe.
Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas.
JAY
Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!
Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~im
room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia
filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown.
FIGURE
(deep, gutteral hiss)
Not born... shit into existence.
Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air.
JAY
Who farted?
SERENDIPITY
Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad.
BETHANY
What do you mean? What's that smell?
RUFUS
Don't tell me that's who I think it is.
SERENDIPITh
The stench should say it all.
BETHANY
Who the hell is it?!
SERENDIPITY
An excremental - the Golgothan.
BETHANY
A what?
RUFUS
A shit-demon.
The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group.
NO-MAN
No... man. ..of...woman.. born...
The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay; loading his piece)
Friend of your's?
JAY
(to group)
Is this smelly fuck with us?
RUFUS
He's coming for Bethany.
JAY
(to Gang Leader)
Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang!
GANG LEADER
I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!
The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly,
the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from
staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and
Silent Bob look up.
The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in
murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops
a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling.
Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I guess we're in charge of the gang now.
BETHANY
What the fuck happened?!?
SERENDIPITY
Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's for
shit.
JAY
So's the rest of him.
RUFUS
No chance of taking him down?
SERENDIPITY
Gee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas.
RUFUS
You're right; let's book.
They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching
a huge glob of shit through the air.
JAY
(running; seeing it coming)
SHIT!!!
Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against
the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire
frame, and burns in an acidic fashion.
Jay stares, horrified.
JAY
Now that... is some powerful shit.
Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door.
SERENDIPITY
Quick! Get in!
Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity
follows, pulling the door shut on top of them.
INT BASEMENT
Our heroes cower beneath the floor door.
JAY
What is that thing?
SERENDIPITY
You ever hear of Golgotha?
BETHANY
Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.
SERENDIPITY
(peering above)
Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybody
on that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers,
brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their
bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in
the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the
Golgothan Shit-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you,
girlie.
Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips
through it.
BETHANY
What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blasting
through that door!
SERENDIPITY
Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forget
what he came for.
Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob
taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts.
RUFUS
(indicating trickling shit)
Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...
SERENDIPITY
(off trickle)
JUMP!!!
The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode,
dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan
anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their
bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself
off, rolling it around in It's hands.
SERENDIPITY
If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping them
out.
Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then,
something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others
continue moving back.
BETHANY
Bob, get down! Jay!
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!
Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a
smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a
small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the
face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It's
hand drops to the floor, and then so does It.
Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around
Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to Silent
Bob.
BETHANY
(off Bob's canister)
What was that?
Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade
Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob.
BETHANY
(reading can)
'Knocks strong odors out.'
RUFUS
Way to go. tubby.
BETHANY
Why would you ever carrs this?
Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at
jay.
JAY
What?!
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Who has dominion over this thing?
SERENDIPITY
Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: this
thing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never
allow it. It usually has some kind of backup.
RUFUS
Can you get some answers?
SERENDIPITY
I can give it a shot.
BETHANY
What's going on?
RUFUS
Serendipity's going to talk to that demon.
JAY
Cool! Can we watch?
SERENDIPITY
Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded.
JAY
Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his own
language! See...?
(makes the universal metal sign)
he'd understand this.
SERENDIPITY
(shakes her head; to Rufus)
Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and get
as far away as possible.
(to Bethany)
I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-boy here. If there's
anything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow.
BETHANY
(hugs her)
Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.
SERENDIPITY
I'm a better juggler.
(to jay and Silent Bob)
You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets.
You should have seen that thing coming.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!
SERENDIPITY
Just watch out for Bethany. Go.
Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what to
do.
BETHANY
She told me that if you behave, she'll give you head.
JAY
(excited)
Yeah?.
BETHANY
Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you.
Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps.
OC JAY
(beat)
Shut up.
OC BETHANY
You shut up.
SERENDIPITY
(to Rufus)
Nice girl.
RUFUS
Comes from good stock.
SERENDIPITY
You haven't told her yet?
RUFUS
Not the right time.
SERENDIPITY
How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips...
RUFUS
The nails.
Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks
up.
SERENDIPITY
Blasphemer.
Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise.
SERENDIPITY
Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.
RUFUS
(hugs her)
Good luck.
Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan.
SERENDIPITY
Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know.
EXT CHURCH -DAY
A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters.
MAN
And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign,
ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind the
movement - Cardinal Glick.
The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as
more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers.
GLICK
Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, who
donated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that
welcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday.
(off index cards)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Church
has fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the
average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral and
psychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules and
ornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in an
effort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time of
renewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that I
present you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennial
celebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with the
first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil over
the next year.
(applause)
Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throw
out the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No.
We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aesthetic
and theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highest
membership numbers on the planet.
A few applause ring out. Glick smiles.
GLICK
Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, for
example...
(pulls out crucifix)
while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, we
have decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressing
symbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Would
you relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two pieces
of wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enough
downers in my daily routine without having to deal with this visual
everytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new,
more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our new
outlook.
Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of
Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes.
GLICK
See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into a
church and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that
whatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so...
REPORTER I
(interupting)
Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on john
Doe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity?
Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes.
GLICK
C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we stand
firm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder.
Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about this
little guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see it
on chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde,
MTV videos?
INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAY
The image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v.
monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at the
bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another.
LOKI
And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture.
BARTLEBY
We're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts.
LOKI
(off t.v.)
And that's the church we're heading to?
BARTLEBY
(steps to ticket window)
If you want to go home...
(to WOMAN in window)
Two tickets to New Jersey, please.
WOMAN
Jersey's sold out, sir.
BARTLEBY
Are you sure?
WOMAN
The computer says.
LOKI
Come on - how many people can possibly be going to New Jersey?
WOMAN
Enough to fill a bus.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't just hit and run.
(to Woman)
When's the next one?
WOMAN
Same time tomorrow.
BARTLEBY
What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two buses a day?
WOMAN
I take it you've never been to the Garden State. Next.
Bartleby and Loki look around.
LOKI
There's no one else here.
WOMAN
Then I guess it's lunch time.
(she shuts her window)
LOKI
We should have learned to drive a long time ago. Infinite celestial power
and we can't catch a bus.
BARTLEBY
Just shut up, this is your fault.
LOKI
You can either lament over our mass transit folly, or you can listen to my
suggestion.
BARTLEBY
It's your suggestions that prevent us from negotiating what should be a
simple matter of catching or staying on a bus!
LOKI
Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
BARTLEBY
(stares at him)
Fly?
LOKI
We got wings, right? Let's use them.
OC VOICE
I wouldn't suggest that.
The pair spin and gawk.
AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby
horns.
AZRAEL
You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you?
INT STRIP JOINT BASEMENT - DUSK
NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a
circle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water
and throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of
his daze, turning his attention on Serendipity.
NoMAN
The Muse. They told us you were up here.
SERENDIPITY
Matter of perspective. NoMan. I like to think of it as 'down here'. I have
a few questions for you, sir.
NoMan
Free us from these binds, that you may have answers.
SERENDIPITY
(heads toward it)
Okay.
(stops; sarcastic)
Oh wait. I'm smarter than that.
NoMan lets out a bellow.
SERENDIPITY
Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I get answers. This can go
hard or easy. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now,
you can start by telling me why you're on this plane?
NoMAN
(beat)
Liquidate the Last Scion.
SERENDIPITY
See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was it Lucifer?
NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion.
NoMAN
Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will be prince of this world -
and the fate of those who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his whimsy.
And then he will sever reality and crush existence, like a thumb punctures
a fontanell, giving peace to those who've been without for so long.
SERENDIPITY
Did Bartleby and Loki send you?
NoMAN
Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the conflicted one, that this
world may die screaming. No power - divine or inherited - threatens the
crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry of the abandonned,
begging your God to put an end to the madness. And only as being becomes
not, will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant while the dream
perished in a blink. Your God is not dead - He's brain dead.
SERENDIPITY
She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead. And no She's not. Stop
trying to be so spooky. Tell me who sent vou, or I'll use whatever
influence I have below' to make Hell even worse for you.
NoMAN
You speak of Azrael.
(he laughs)
We pity you. Muse. You're still playing the old game. The one that could
have made good on your threat is gone.
SERENDIPITY
What do you mean. gone? He escaped?
NoMAN
No soul escapes Hell, but one.
(beat - as if It's heard something)
Would that I could cross the threshold of your confining circle, I would
crush your half-life throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this
mockery of a prison. We will come back for the girl. And when we do, it
will take more than fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her head.
NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt.
INT TOY STORE - DAY
Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed
animals.
BARTLEBY
Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
AZRAEL
I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. I don't have much
time. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
BARTLEIBY
You lied?
LOKI
Go figure. Him. A demon.
(to Azrael)
Why'd you bring us in here?
AZRAEL
Because you two fucks are inches away from getting yourselves caught. Going
around killing people, about to uncase your wings... don't you have any
idea what's going on?
LOKI
We're going back home.
AZRAEL
Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?
BARTLEBY
Why not? We're going back clean.
AZ RAEL
Let me let you in on a little secret, okay: everyone is looking for you.
Both sides - above and below. The orders are to terminate you on sight.
BARTLEBY
(shocked)
Why?
AZRAEL
You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's
pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you
assholes might just succeed where he's failed so many times, making him
look bad.
BARTLEBY
So they're going to kill us?!?
AZRAEL
They're going to try'. That's why you have to travel incognito - tone down
your behavior, stay off their respective radars. Go about this thing more
subtly. Quit killing people - that's high profile. And for God's sake,
don't uncase your wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because the
minute you let them flap, legions of thrones and hordes of demons will
fight each other over who gets to kill you first.
(looksOC)
Shhhh!
A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the
items on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter
on the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter
further down the aisle, oblivious to the trio.
DAUGHTER
Mommy, that man had horns.
Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on.
AZRAEL
That's the kind of shit I'm talking about!
LOKI
Oh, lighten up.
BARTLEBY
(still reeling)
I can't believe they want to kill us.
AZRAEL
Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion looking for you.
LOKI
You're kidding!
AZRAEL
This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides,
and they'll stop at nothing to prevent it.
LOKI
If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting for us too?
AZRAEL
Because I want to see you go back. You were both given a raw deal; almost
as raw as mine. If you make it back, then I figure there's hope for me.
(looks around)
In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. If
anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
BARTLEBY
Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
AZRAEL
Would you expect anything less from a demon. I have to get back to the Pit,
before they get suspicious.
(turns to leave)
LOKI
Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad as they say?
AZRAEL
Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs. Doubtfire' continuously for two
years now.
(exits)
LOKI
(looks at Bartleby)
Shit man - that is punishment.
EXT CONTRYSIDE - NIGHT
The Train chugs through the darkness.
INT TRAIN - NIGHT
Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window.
RUFUS
How you coping, kid?
BETHANY
It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on things. something
wholely unbelievable presents itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed
home.
RUFUS
You sound like the Man.
BETHANY
(beat)
What was He like?
RUFUS
Jesus? Black.
BETHANY
Besides that.
RUFUS
The brother was centered. I mean, He was God, right? But I think He felt
left out because He was more than human, you know? We used to sit around
the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holes
the Romans were or getting laid...
BETHANY
Some things never change.
RUFUS
...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling. We'd ask Him why He never
joined in the convo, but He said He just liked to hear us talk; about
anything. Said it was like music. I think He just wished He had unimportant
shit to talk about himself.
BETHANY
How does He feel now?
RUFUS
He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets
carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of
all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always,
built a belief structure on it.
BETHANY
Having beliefs isn't good?
RUFUS
I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a
belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from
idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit
growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thing
the Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled with
living as He was. Maybe it had
something to do with knowing when He was going to die. but Christ had this
vitality that I've never encountered in another person since. You know what
I'm saving?
BETHANY
He was big on life?
RUFUS
It was more than that. He was the only person I ever knew who never engaged
in that most ancient of life-affirming activities.
BETHANY
Sex.
RUFUS
Debate. That's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive
- by debating. In all it's forms. People spend their whole lives debating:
we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight
each other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. We
believe that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and give
up. People say that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is living. I'm
even guilty of it myself, the way I go on about Christ's ethnicity,
fighting for the truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death, the only
way I know how to live is through debate. That's sad, isn't it?
BETIIANY
Not if you believe it's important for people to know.
RUFUS
A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die for it. People kill for
it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic
Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. And whether
they know it or not, Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and if
they're successful, you, me. all of this... ends in a heartbeat.
(beat)
All over a belief.
Bethany nods. Rufus looks around.
RUFUS
I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.
BETHANY
They went to the lounge car to smoke.
(getting up)
I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting into any trouble.
RUFUS
I'm going to catch a few z's. Forgot how tiring living can be.
Bethanv heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to an unseen party.
BETHANY
You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?
JAY
Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. You in?
BETHANY
And who are your new friends?
JAY
They just got in at the last stop.
Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends.
JAY
This is Larry and Barry.
Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany.
LOKI
Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him.
EXT TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
The train rushes over head.
INT LOUNGE CAR - LATER
Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits,
trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily.
Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth.
BETHANY
You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't have to keep me company.
BARTLEBY
It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time later.
(beat)
So why are you heading to Jersey?
BETRANY
There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do. How about you?
BARTLEBY
We're going home.
BETHANY
Do you two live together?
BARTLEBY
Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys?
B ETHANY
God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me.
BARTLEBY
They're funny as hell. The big one never says a word.
BETHANY
I wish the little one would take a cue from him. But they're okay, as far
as stoner's go.
BARTLEBY
Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them, and he usually hates
people.
BETIIANY
How long've you two been together?
BARTLEBY
Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little flaky sometimes, but we've
got a lot in common.
BETHANY
How'd you meet?
BARTLEBY
We were stationed together.
BETHANY
See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-in-arms about this
'out-in-the-military' issue.
BARTLEBY
What do you mean?
BETHANY
Well there's all that macho bullshit about it being 'This Man's Army'. And
you two meet and hook up while in the service, which is so special -
because it's so hard to meet anyone you can seriously relate to...
BARTLEBY
(catches on)
You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay.
BETHANY
(laughs)
Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed...
BARTLEBY
No. We live together and all, but at the end of the night, I go to my room.
and he goes to his.
(beat)
Why? Do I come off as gay?
BETHANY
(laughing)
No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of fouled up my relationship
awareness barometer.
BARTLEBY
You're divorced?
BETHANY
That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it being dumped.
BARTLEBY
I was dumped once. More or less.
BETHANY
It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly question your value - like
why was I so easy to cast aside? Didn't I have merit?
BARTLEBY
And you wonder if the other party's going to come to their senses and call
you back.
BETIIANY
The worst is that I still think like a couple. After all these years, I
still have the 'we' mentality.
BARTLEBY
Mine grew out of what was really a stupid misunderstanding. A
misunderstanding that grew into a total withdrawl of communication.
Abandonment. And even though it was years ago, there's not a day that goes
by that I don't wonder what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was
replaced by someone. A lot of someones.
BET HANY
And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time...
BARTLEBY
...when actually, it hurts more.
BETHANY
(beat)
You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot of drinks. Do you agree?
BARTLEBY
Whole-heartedly.
INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus continues to slumber.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with
Silent Bob.
LOKI
I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized religion and society's
battle against it. The Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the
Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led by the Emperor. And the
Emperor is a practitioner of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force.
And the Force is basically a religion.
(Silent Bob nods)
So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and the Imperial government is
run by this old religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic government -
a government run by the church. So Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that
government to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what is, in
essence, holy mother church.
Silent Bob nods in understanding.
Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty
glasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and
surreptitiously spits it out.
BARTLEBY
You're saying you still go to church?
BETHANY
(laughs)
Every Sunday.
BARTLEBY
Does it do anything for you?
BETHANY
(thinks)
Gives me time to balance my check book every week.
BARTLEBY
See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't go to church and feel
spiritual. They go to church and feel bored. But they keep going. Every
week. Out of habit.
BETHANY
Or in habit, if you're a nun.
BARTLEBY
Oh... that wasn't very funny at all.
BETHANY
A friend of mine told me that church is like bad sex:it's messy and there's
no foreplay...
(starts laughing)
No. that's not it. I am so buzzed.
BARTLEBY
When do you think you lost your faith?
BETHANY
I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was
trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And
she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so
angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan.
But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for
anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family -
wasn't that plan good enough for God?
(beat)
Apparently not.
(swigs her drink)
How about you? When did you lose your faith?
BARTLEBY
Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but I
got the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore.
BETHANY
She. And how do you know She was listening in the first place?
BARTLEBY
(thinks)
I guess I don't.
BETHANY
I hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you with age. When you're a
kid, you never question the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, and
He's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give anything to feel that way
again. Which is why I guess I let myself get talked into this pilgrimage. I
needed proof. And the opportunity presented itself to find out if it is
like they told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you - the last few
days, I've come across some interesting people that lend toward convincing
me.
BARTLEBY
Where's this pilgrimage to?
INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus stirs. He looks around and stretches.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Bartleby continue their discussion.
BETHANY
You'd never believe me if I told you.
BARTLEBY
Try me.
BETHANY
Alright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to this church in New Jersey.
BARTLEBY
Really...
INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the cars
and exits.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued.
BETHANY
I was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering the
church. They're trying...
(laughing)
This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get back into Heaven.
INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted.
BETHANY
See, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago, right? And if they get back
in, it proves God wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her wrong
would...
(laughing hard)
..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just saying it.
Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him.
BETRANY
(laughing)
But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an angel? Two, even! I guess
I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.
Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table.
BARTLEBY
Maybe you're supposed to kill them?
Bethany breaks into hysterics.
INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus pulls open another door and exits.
INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby.
BETHANY
Oh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I mean. how do you kill an
angel?
BARTLEBY
I don't imagine it's much different...
(slowly lifts the knife)
...from killing a human...
The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in.
RUFUS
Where the hell is everybody? I wake up, and...
He sees Bartleby. They both freeze.
BARTLEBY
The Apostle!
RUFUS
Holy shit!
BETHANY
(stumbling to her feet)
Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry...
Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to her
throat.
BETHANY
(chuckiing)
Barry! Don't be such a show off!
RUFUS
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's talk about this.
BARTLEBY
After all this time, this is what it comes down to -slaughtered by this
meat puppet?!
RUFUS
There doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work this out...
BETHANY
Is that a knife?
BARTLEBY
Oh. we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work the blade in and out of
her thorax!
(calling over shoulder)
Loki!
Loki catches the action and reacts.
LOKI
Holy shit - the Apostle!
He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up.
jAY
(half asleep)
I didn't come in you, I swear...
(looks around)
Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them.
LOKI
(to Rufus)
What are you doing here?
BARTLEBY
They're here to thwart our journey home, my friend. This one just told me
that she's supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering a church.
LOKI
You think she was talking about us?
BARTLEBY
I'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do you say, Rufus - we're to
be liquidated?
RUFUS
It doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't thought about the
consequences of re-entry!
LOKI
Consequences, schmonsequences.
BARTLEBY
I have to agree with him. No one - not you, and especially not this
finite-lifer - no one is going to impede us. We're going home, regardless
of whose pride it may hurt!
RUFUS
It's not a question of pride, it's...
BARTLEBY
Loki - kill the girl
LOKI
(beat)
What are you, high?
BARTLEBY
Do it!
LOKI
I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that. And it looks
like she's 'on the job', so to speak...
BARTLEBY
Fine! I'll kill her myself...
A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder.
JAY
(oblivious to the situation)
Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a fatty boom-batty, biggety
blunt!
Bartleby turns the knife on him.
JAY
(not quite getting it yet)
We having cake or something?
Loki backhands Jay, stunning him.
JAY
(dazed)
In grates...
Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him down
the aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethany
collapses.
RUFUS
TUBBY! THE DOOR!
Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabs
Loki by the collar.
LOKI
Wait, man! Can't we talk about this?!
He throws Loki out the door, off the train.
Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufus
in the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. They
careen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby's
back and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams the
door closed and leans against it.
The Bartender stares at him.
Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door.
SILENT BOB
No ticket.
Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily.
BETH ANY
I should have known something was wrong when he paid for all the drinks.
INT UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT
A door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows.
LOKI
The Apostle is here!
BARTLEBY
I noticed.
LOKI
If that's the case, then chick with him must be...
BARTLEBY
The Scion, I'd imagine.
(leans against the wall; slides down)
LOKI
(in a panic)
Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole thing! I mean, you heard
the guy - he said there were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked.
Maybe there's more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor has
changed. He stares into space.
BARTLEBY
There sure is.
(beat)
It's them.
LOKI
(beat)
What?
BARTLEBY
(shakes his head)
Them.
LOKI
(thinks)
The movie about the giant ants?
BARTLEBY
Them - the humans. It's what it all comes down to. you know? Us against
humanity... kind of like that giant ant movie.
LOKI
(beat)
Are you alright?
BARTLEBY
I'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my friend.
LOKI
An... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen.
BARTLEBY
When that sweet, innocent girl let her mission slip, I suddenly understood
it all - everything. For the first time in all these eons, I get it.
LOKI
(beat)
Get what?
BARTLEBY
In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then He
created the humans. And He gave them more than He ever gave us. Our's was
designed to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. But He gave the
humans more - He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, choose
to acknowledge Him. All this time we've been down here, everyday I felt the
absence of the Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure it must
have pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. But
we feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -as servants.
Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them.
LOKI
You know - maybe you should take a nap or something.
BARTLEBY
Loki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's always the humans. They were
given paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; they
destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors; and some of
them don't even believe He exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and made
it dark and crimson.
(looks at Loki)
I asked you to lay down your sword years ago - why?
Because I felt sorry for them. And where did it get us?
Thrown out.
(smiles)
We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do
that, I think we have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
LOKI
Wait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking about the Last Scion, for
Christ's sake! And what about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys were
alright.
BARTLEBY
Don't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get the best of you, as they
did me way back when. Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless, our
sins are forgiven by passing through that arch. No harm, no foul.
LOKI
That sounds thin.
BARTLEBY
Fine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew of people. Maybe amidst
the body count, He won't notice.
LOKI
Oh, that's being realistic.
Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall.
BARTLEBY
I'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the Almighty Himself - is going
to make that otherwise.
Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him.
LOKI
Shit.
He follows.
EXT CAMP FIRE - NIGHT
Another Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. It
is lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshift
fire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads the
paper.
BETHANY
I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. You threw those guys
off.
RUFUS
A very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't be
there.
BETHANY
And what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy almost gutted me, for
God's sake!
JAY
He had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd have to have the knife at
your stomach.
BETHANY
Semantics! Semantics that don't even answer mv question.
RUFUS
Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy.
BETHANY
What do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill them -just stop them from
going into that church.
RUFUS
And how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them with a game of Bingo?
BETHANY
I've never killed anything before in my life!
JAY
I'll do it.
RUFUS
Shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, let
alone an angel.
JAY
Fuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next guy.
RUFUS
Oh yeah? How' would you do it?
JAY
I'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard Target'. D'jou see that
flick?
RUFUS
(ignoring jay; to Bethany)
Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you have to cut off their
wings. which then makes them human. From that point on, it's the same as
killing anything else - head or heart, take your pick.
BETHANY
You say it as if it's easy.
RUFUS
(oblivious to Jay)
Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off even if we wanted to. All
this time away from the Divine Presence should have made those two weaker -
and those guys felt far from weak. Either that or someone's protecting them
- someone with juice.
BETHANY
So then we're screwed?
(shrugs)
Shit, that's the best news l've heard in days.
RUFUS
This doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them.
BETHANY
Count me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - both
psychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick back
and wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctor
ordered.
JAY
I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die.
RUFUS
What are you babbling about now?
JAY
If I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on
living, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd be
okay, because I know I'm not missing anything.
BETHANY
See? You know it's right when even he's making sense.
JAY
Besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in
like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and
history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid?
JAY
(thinks)
No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid.
BETHANY
Now that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finally
know - why me?
JAY
Because you've got nice tits.
BETHANY
I wasn't talking to you!
(to Rufus)
Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come
clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come I
got tapped?
Rufus looks at her. He shrugs.
RUFUS
Family ties.
JAY
That show's funny as hell.
RUFUS
Shut up.
(to Bethany)
Do you know what the Apocryphal books are?
Bethany shakes her head no.
RUFUS
Most of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls -
ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was
translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church
officials had already established as the basis of their religion. They
couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave
certain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up the
Apocrypha.
BETHANY
What's this have to do with me?
RUFUS
You've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the material
together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by
leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely
sterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entire
Old Testament, the history of Christ...
(let's her take it in)
Forget about my whole black angle for a minute...
JAY
We might if you'd quit bringing it up.
Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivous
to Jay.
RUFUS
He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about the
eighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of it
were thown out, forever lost to the faithful.
BETHANY
I don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a better
understanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out?
RUFUS
Because it was all closely tied in with His family.
BETHANY
His mother and father?
RUFUS
His brothers and sisters.
BETHANY
(beat)
Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a
virgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception.
RUFUS
Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true.
But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed
married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God
and the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife never
humped her husband - that's just gullibility.
BETHANY
(sudden realization)
MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!?
RUFUS
All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories about
hearing them through the walls when He was a kid.
(beat)
So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was the
salvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to a
Christ that still walks.
BETHANY
Meaning?
RUFUS
The blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the
genetic level with the man you call Jesus.
(hand on her shoulder)
You're His great-grand-niece.
Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips.
JAY
(takes a hit from his joint)
So... that would make Bethany part black.
(to Silent Bob)
Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father.
RUFUS
I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now?
OC VOICE
You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master who
instructed me.
Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree.
METATRON
God. l've always wanted to say that.
RUFUS
The voice.
NIETATRON
(mimicking his shock)
The Apostle!
(sits down with them)
BETHANY
Now you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife to
my throat?
METATRON
I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you?
RUFUS
What are you doing here anyw'ay?
METATRON
I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd join
in with a confession of mine own.
JAY
Now who's this mother fucker?
RUFUS
This is the Voice of God - show some respect.
JAY
The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him?
METATRON
Funny you should mention that - we're not sure.
BETHANY
Excuse me?
METATRON
Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was well
within the realm of His control?
RUFUS
If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped?
METATRON
You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
BETHANY
Constitutionals?
RUFUS
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.
(to Bethany)
God's a skee-ball fanatic.
METATRON
Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright?
(to Bethany)
Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years -
He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone
where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite
understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven
as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I
understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.
Isn't that sweet?
BETHANY
But She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you're
getting at?
METATRON
(to Rufus)
'She'? I take it she's met the Muse.
(to Bethany)
No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her.
RUFUS
Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback.
M ETAT RON
No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever has
set the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quite
well-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to be
killed in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody
knew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion
- He's trapped in a body.
RUFUS
So God's not dead...
JAY
He's brain dead.
METATRON
So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit that
we're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people looking
everywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able to
smoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enough
to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves.
RUFUS
Can it be Lucifer?
METATRON
Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. I
know they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have
made his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible for
Bartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as
everyone else.
RUFUS
Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets?
METATRON
Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one.
JAY
(excited)
Yeah?
Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads.
BETHANY
Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as a
test?
METATRON
No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough -
how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of God
belonged on the back of a milk carton?
RUFUS
So what do we do now?
M ETAT RON
I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas.
JAY
(off paper)
Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
JAY
Here.
(hands group the paper)
BETHANY
(reading)
'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'?
JAY
It's the guy in charge of the church thing.
BETHANY
(reading)
'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering and
questionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!'
campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning the
traditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sized
lap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn't
like a pool party?"
JAY
Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on that
day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right?
METATRON
Good Lord - he's got a point.
BETHANY
I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain the
situation somehow.
RUFUS
'We'? You're back in?
BETHANY
Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down the
family.
(smiles)
METATRON
(off Silent Bob)
Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles.
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She
back-hands him.
TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL
Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal.
ALTAR 1
The same boring cereal again?
A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above.
CHRIST
Man cannot live on boring cereal alone!
ALTAR I & 2
IT'S JESUS!
Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash.
CHRIST
Why not try Hosties!
CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk
follows.
CHRIST VO
New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with an
angelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk!
Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal
happily.
CHRIST
Hosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one is
blessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and good
for the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand...
Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping.
ALTAR 2
I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry...
CHRIST
(smiling benignly)
You're forgiven.
Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily.
CHRIST
So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it...
A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal.
POPE
They're Heavenly!
INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSK
A hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles.
GLICK
Well...? Doesn't it pop?
Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words.
JAY
(After a long beat)
Does it come in chocolate flavor?
The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned
glass.
GLICK
You see? Now this one's got vision!
(to Jay)
We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids,
back to school and all.
BETHANY
It's a bit... startling.
GLICK
Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit,
get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendance
is at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing them
to the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at any
denomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know the
Catholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some new
ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - like
with the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em while
they're young.
(sits at his desk, lights smoke)
RUFUS
Kind of like the tobacco industry?
GLICK
Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the same
demographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to play
a bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear the
cloven hooves and carry the pitch fork.
Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat
rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob.
OC BFTHANY
We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. My
friends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance to
talk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony.
The Cardinal blows smoke rings.
GLICK
You'd like to help out in some way?
BETHANY
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the re
dedication.
GLICK
(pauses mid-ash-tap)
I beg your pardon?
Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock
tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose.
OC BETHANY
There's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward
as planned.
The Cardinal leans back in his chair.
CLICK
What is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation?
(pause)
Are you pro-choicers?
BETHANY
No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've been
stuck on earth since the plagues...
Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly.
BETHANY
Uh... these guys who think they're renegade angels.
RUFL'S
See padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passing
through the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but
the brothers are convinced it's the truth.
Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition,
resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob
shakes his head.
OC GLICK
And you want me to call off the ceremony... for that?
Bethany leans forward in her seat.
BETHANY
Well. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turn
violent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens.
RUFUS
These guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people
with them. Call this thing off.
CLICK
(beat)
Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upset
that we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss?
RLFLS
We were sent by Him who is called I Am.
GLICK
Cute.
(standing)
Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over.
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Worked for Moses.
BETHANY
Stay out of this.
(to Glick)
Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting to
happen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned...
GLICK
...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the lives
of all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of the
Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself.
BETHANY
You can't say Himself; it could be a woman.
GLICK
(rubs temples)
Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of our
almighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man with
very important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please...
RUFUS
I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.
GLICK
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
RUFUS
What about the church's silent consent to the slave trade?
BETHANY
And it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
CLICK
(beat)
Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. Now
I've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go.
BETHANY
But tomorrow...
CLICK
(losing it)
Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labor
two years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremony
be a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Two
just to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band of
pranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment!
This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for the
massive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness
the Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign!
And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God...
(glares at Bethany)
... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully!
He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition.
GLICK
AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!!
]ay slowly looks over the partition.
EXT SEASHORE
The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived.
EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING
Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the
Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign
that welcomes motorists to New Jersey.
INT BAR - DAWN
The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A
BARTENDER.
BETHANY
I can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "Existence
Erased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape.
RUFUS
It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape.
JAY
That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guy
in the dress.
(to Silent Bob)
Hand it over.
Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat.
BETHANY
Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it.
RUFUS
You stole the Cardinal's driver?
JAY
I told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least a
couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there.
BETHANY
What do we do now?
RUFUS
Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway.
BETHANY
Not that - about Bartleby and Loki!
RUFUS
We have no choice but to try to kill them.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
But you said they couldn't be killed.
OC VOICE
Correction : they won't be killed.
The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar.
AZRAEL
And just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, until
the two idiots pass through that arch.
JAY
Hey...!
BETHANY
He wasn't talking about you two.
OC VOICE
There's only one idiot here, .Azrael...
Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity
stands in the doorway.
SERENDIPITY
And that's you.
AZRAEL
The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.
BARTENDER
(suddenly noticing Azrael)
Hey. Where'd you come from?
AZRAEL
Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately...
(checks watch)
...onehour.
BARTENDER
Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go.
AZRAEL
Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone.
Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers.
SERENDIPITY
I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind all
this.
RUFUS
Is that who I think it is?
SERENDIPITY
None other than.
BETHANY
Who is it?
SERENDIPITY
That's my worst suspicions confirmed.
The Bartender relents.
BARTENDER
Alright - one drink. Then you're gone.
AZRAEL
Gimme a Holy Bartender.
BARTENDER
Never heard of it.
AZRAEL
(to the group)
He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.
You know - don't you, Muse?
SERENDIPITY
Azrael... don't.
AZRAEL
(ignoring her)
Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender.
Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender.
The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their
feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies.
AZRAEL
Get it?
SERENDIPITY
Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!?
RUFUS
(rushing him)
C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a brother whose already dead!
The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as
Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany.
AZRAEL
(joining them)
You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the
only corpses in the room -the Christ-Bitch will join you.
SERENDIPITY
I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do you
know what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?!
AZRAEL
I'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawns
are moving in to check-mate as we speak.
Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs.
JAY
I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one!
EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING
A formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from
the front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism -
Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up.
Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech.
GLICK
I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton,
for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this little
parish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her.
(crowd laughs)
Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular little
hundred years young House of God...
OC BARTLEBY
This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore.
The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly
followed by Loki.
BARTLEBY
He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear to
your lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you -
His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans -
prepare to taste God's wrath!
LOKI
(whispering)
Maybe we should just go.
BARTLEBY
You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'll
judge them all!
Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair.
CLICK
These are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist them
off the church grounds.
The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm.
COP
Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a
ride...
Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder.
BARTLEBY
Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
COP
Is that so? Well, let's just...
Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around in
one brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight.
BARTLEBY
(releasing dead Cop)
Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as guilty of violations against
our Almighty Lord. And this very day - I assure you - you will all pay for
your tresspasses... in blood.
(to Loki)
Wings. Now.
LOKI
I'm not so sure...
BARTLEBY
DO IT!
INT BAR - LATER
Azrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. The
Stygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks.
BETHANY
You're a muse too?
SERENDIPITY
Former muse. He was kicked out.
AZRAEL
Tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Almighty.
SERENDIPITY
You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.
AZRAEL
Ever the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you left Paradise, you did it
finally because you couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited upon
your own brother.
BETHANY
He's your brother?!
SERENDIPITY
Not technically. We were created at the same time.
AZRAEL
To compliment one another. Two spirits of pure inspiration.
BARTLEBY
So what happened?
AZRAEL
Yes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his little war for the throne.
Heaven became divided into two factions - the faithful and the renegades.
The ethereal planes were chaotic with battle, angel against angel. And when
it was all over, Cod cast the rebels into perdition.
SERENDIPITY
But Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally himself to God or Lucifer. He
remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
JAY
What are you - some kind of fucking chicken?!
AZRAEL
I was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle! Our job
is to create - not destroy!
SERENDIPITY
So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those that
wouldn't fight, and my brother here was sent down with the demons.
Something he considers a grave injustice.
AZRAEL
Don't tell me that you never questioned the judgement, Serendipity; that
you don't think the Almighty acted too rashly?
SERENDIPITY
You've been waiting for millions of years to ask me that, haven't you? It's
been on your mind since the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you this
long.
AZRAEL
Well?
SERENDIPITY
No, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell you why:
you stood behind your office, you prick. So you were an artist - big deal.
Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in
time of war. That's why he's the King... and you're a schmuck.
BETHANY
So all this is about revenge?! You're going to unmake existence because you
have a grudge against God?!
AZRAEL
After the first million years, revenge was the farthest thing from my mind.
Self-preservation became the only necessity.
RUFUS
Meaning?
AZRAEL
Escape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So I studied the
religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself; which flnallv
did. in the form of the plenary indulgence And while I couldn't exercise it
myself. I knew the perfect vessels through which I could free myself from
torment.
RUFUS
Bartleby and Loki.
AZRAEL
After that, it was a simple matter or waiting for a church to celebrate
their Centennial, and when that finally happened, applying some of the old
inspiration tactics - bv sending the pair an article laced with ideas. An
incantation I picked up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven's
radars, and aside from the Triplets and the Gologothan, no soul in Hell had
a clue as to what was going on.
(smiles)
Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I triumphed over the Power in a
way he never dared or dreamed.
(shakes it off)
But no plan, no matter how intricate, could succeed if the Almighty was in
the realm of the quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.
BETHANY
How so?
AZRAEL
Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all
the details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are to
success. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have been even more helpful in
insuring my success than by just supplying the clean-slate archwav.
(gets up)
The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last Scion. I'm amazed that
someone up there would have the balls to make a move without the Lord's
say-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled upon my boys on that
train. But alas, here you are - powerless to stop the inevitable.
BETHANY
Look, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you, but if
you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence - even you.
AZRAEL
(beat)
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do you know that once Hell
was nothing more than the absence of Cod? And if you'd ever been in His
presence. then you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind
came along - and made it so much worse.
BETHANY
Humans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a shitbag demon like
yourself is.
AZRAEL
Evil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But true to his irresponsible
nature. man won t own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his
dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enough
for him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pitt -
fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to get
out of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It is
beyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins you
commit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a
foundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So
you bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horrid
imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness
that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there,
begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and
solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling
the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrors
have on the delicate psyche of an angelic beihg.
(beat)
Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look...
Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we see
some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into
240 frames of film.
Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrolably.
AZRAEL
I'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if everyone has to go down
with me, so be it.
SERENDIPITY
(holding up Bethany)
You're still thinking only about yourself, you fuckmg child.
AZRAEL
Now, now, now. Things are getting too tense in here. What say we watch a
little t.v.
(grabs remote control)
JAY
Put on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'!
A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick.
JAY
Hey!
AZRAEL
I was thinking more along the lines of current events.
On the T.V. - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera,
obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard.
REPORTER
...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have laid waste to St.
Michael's... Bullets don't seem to affect them... police who were on the
scene are dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their knees,
identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse.. I'm not a man of faith, but I'm
inclined to agree with them..
(looking OC)
NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!
(pulls gun)
PLEASE!! Please...
He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank.
AZRAEL
(snapping off tv.)
You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. I'd be pissed, but in
a couple of minutes, it won't matter anymore.
While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps to
attention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, then
back at her. He nods.
Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two.
AZRAEL
Now what was that all about?
SERENDIPITY
Hunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye.
AZRAEL
(getting up)
Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -get the guy killed? Now
who's the fucking child? What did you tell him - to hit me with the golf
club? Are you serious?
(picks up golf club)
I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me with athletic equipment?
(hands club to Silent Bob)
Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift.
(stands back and hits his own chest)
Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon, bright boy.
The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed.
AZRAEL
Don't you know anything?
Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the club
with all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck and
shit everywhere.
Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the Stygian
Triplets by the throats.
SERENDIPITY
BETHANY! BLESS THE SINK!
BETHANY
WHAT?!?
SERENDIPITY
DO IT!
Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blesses
the melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her,
with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink.
Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse and
fall still.
Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabs
Silent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold.
JAY
(joining Silent Bob)
What the fuck have you been eating?
Silent Bob shrugs.
BETHANY
What just happened?
SERENDIPITY
(collecting hockey sticks)
He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon with an instrument of
God - the pure side's always going to do the most damage.
JAY
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?!
SERENDIPITY
No - but the driver is.
BETHANY
(catching on)
And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better
game. And the sink...?
SERENDIPITY
You've got that Divine heritage going for you - sanctifing is just one of
the fringe benefits.
BETHANY
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.
(to Jay)
How far away is this church?
JAY
Three towns over - about five miles.
BETHANY
We've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much time left. Rufus, grab
his gun.
RUFUS
Ten steps ahead of you.
BETHANY
(going through dead bartender's pockets)
We can take the bartender's car - I don't think he'll be needing it
anymore.
Bethany and Serendipity rush out.
JAY
We gonna make it?
RUFUS
Was Jesus down?
Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes back
and yanks him out the door.
EXT STREET - DAY
Cardinal Click runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess.
He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward.
GLICK
(to God)
Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we could've gone in a different
direction!
(to phone)
OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT MICHAEL'S PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE ARE
GETTING KILLED BY...!
As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger,
enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams.
EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAY
Bethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified.
JAY
Holy shit.
Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning,
upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell.
Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest.
JAY
See? And people wonder why I don't go to church.
BETHANY
Are we too late?
SERENDIPITY
To save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still exist.
BETHANY
Where are they?
RUFUS
They could already be in the church.
SERENDIPITY
Which means that if they come out, nobody touches them.
JAY
Are you shitting me? The brother here is going to shred them with his
Schwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey?
SERENDIPITY
If they've passed through that arch, they come out clean. And if they die,
they go straight up - and we know what happens then.
JAY
What if they just kill themselves?
BETHANY
They can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a mortal sin on your soul and
you burn. They'd go to hell, and that's not what they're after.
JAY
So then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just wait for a solution to
fall out of the sky?!
On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before the
group, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however,
bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks at
Rufus.
JAY
Friend of your's?
RUFUS
'fraid not.
OC VOICE
It was a Cardinal.
They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from a
bottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered and
ashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him.
LOKI
Kind of hard to tell with his face like that, but the Rosaries are a dead
giveaway.
JAY
(goes for the Uzi)
IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!!
BETHANY
(struggling to stop him)
NO...!
She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side.
BETHANY
(to Jay)
Don't you listen?! We can't touch them!
JAY
I wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him!
LOKI
(looking skyward)
He's been at it for awhile now.
In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something winged
soars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being.
OC LOKI
We ran out of parishoners, so he just started picking up anyone off the
street. You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'd
been able to jerk off.
Loki drags himself a few feet backwards.
LOKI
I'd step back if I were you.
They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethany
charges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously.
BETHANY
WHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!?
JAY
(to Rufus)
I thought we weren't supposed to touch them?
RUFUS
I think our Bethan's about hit her ceiling.
Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly.
LOKI
This wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go home.
(takes a big champagne swig)
We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he realized who you were
and what you'd have to do, he just lost it.
(smiles)
You know what's funny about it? He never could stand to see me work. He
said he always felt son~' for you people - that you didn't know any better.
(looks up)
Now look at him.
JAY
This guy's drunker than hell.
SERENDIPITY
Which means he's human now - his wings have been cut off.
(slapping Loki to sober him up)
Loki! Loki!
LOKI
(recognizing her)
The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's with the tits?
SERENDIPITY
Loki - have you walked through the arch yet? C'mon. tell me! Have you gone
in and come out through the archway yet?!
VOICE
No.
Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushing
himself off.
BARTLEBY
We were awaiting your arrival.
SERENDIPITY
Bartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with this! Azrael was just
using you! If you go back this way...
Bartleby slaps her down.
BARTLEBY
I've become aware of the reprocussions, Muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury.
BETHANY
YOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT All
you've
done...!
Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair.
BARTLEBY
Bethany - you of all people should understand what I'm t~'ing to accomplish
here. You too have been abandonned. You know what it's like to be cast
aside. But while you've only felt the devastating effects for a few years,
I've dealt with it for millenia. And while you never see your ex-husband or
how blissful he is with his new wife...
(picks up her face and smiles at her)
And he is...
(drops her head)
..seeing you people everywhere. everyday, trapped on this perfect little
world He created for you... it's a constant reminder that though my kind
came first, your kind was most revered. And your kind knows forgiveness,
while my kind knows regret. A lesson must be taught. All are accountable...
even God.
(steps back)
Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time to kill us as we exit the
church. And then this failed experiment called existence will cease to be.
Loki stumbles to his feet.
LOKI
I can't... let you do this, Bartleby...
(he sways as if drunk)
I didn't know we... would end existence...
BARTLEBY
(to Bethany)
My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him. He's weakened. And more
importantly. he's now a human being. A condition that carries two
liabilities: a conscience...
Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies,
confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob.
BARTLEBY
..and a short life span.
(in a whisper; to Loki)
Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith.
Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwing
punches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behind
a bush.
BETHANY
(peering out from behind)
He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked!
JAY
(pulling off clothes)
I hear you.
BETHANY
I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's
still nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?!
JAY
(pulling open pants)
Amen to that.
BETHANY
(suddenly notices him)
What the hell are you doing?!
JAY
I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going
to end. You said you'd fuck me.
BETHANY
Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing and
you want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go down
fighting!
JAY
No - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex.
BETHANY
You pig...!
JAY
What?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can either lay
here all comatose like that
John Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we can make with the love.
Bethany freezes.
BETHANY
(finally!)
What did you say?!
JAY
'Make with the love'? I just said that to be sensitive. Usually I call it
boning.
BETHANY
No - about John Doe Jersey?
JAY
That guy - the one that they won't take off life support - John Doe Jersey.
This is where he's at.
BETHANY
What? Where?
JAY
Saint Michael's hospital - over there.
(points behind them)
There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL.
BETHANY
(thinks)
Where's the nearest boardwalk?
JAY
Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to it
before...
BETHANY
WHERE IS IT?!?
JAY
(scared)
Asbury Park. About five miles away.
BETHANY
You ever been there?!
JAY
(really scared)
Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the carousel. She wanted to do
it on the ride, but I got sick and started puking...
BETHANY
(grabs his face)
DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!?
JAY
(piss-scared; high pitched)
...yes.
Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush.
JAY
(warming up)
Now that's more like it.
Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. Silent
Bob is getting back on his feet.
BETHANY
BOB!
Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jay
who half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lips
together and raises jay to his feet, ust as Silent Bob arri\'es.
BETHANY
(to Jay)
Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into that church!
(to Silent Bob)
Bob - come with me!
(they exit)
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