FADE IN:
EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING
A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting
for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate.
A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past,
SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at
her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all
about.
Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD
CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a
little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.
LLOYD
Excuse me, can you tell me how to
get to the medical school? I'm
supposed to be giving a lecture in
twenty minutes and my driver's a bit
lost.
YOUNG WOMAN
(heavy European accent)
Go straight aheads and makes a left
over za bridge.
Lloyd checks out her body.
LLOYD
I couldn't help noticing the accent.
You from Jersey?
YOUNG WOMAN
(unimpressed)
Austria.
LLOYD
Austria? You're kidding.
(mock-Australian accent)
Well, g'day, mate. What do you say
we get together later and throw a
few shrimp on the barbie.
The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(to self)
Guess I won't be going Down Under
tonight...
He SIGHS and zips the window back up.
2.
INT. LIMO
Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front
seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives
away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!
The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:
DISPATCHER
(v.o.)
Carr 22, come in, car 22...
Lloyd grabs his CB mike.
LLOYD
This is 22.
DISPATCHER
22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?
You're running late on the East Side
pick-up.
LLOYD
Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my
way.
DISPATCHER
(v.o.)
Well hurry it up. And make sure you
park legally. One more ticket and
your ass is history.
CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY
This building is white with black spots on it, like a
DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a
DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.
The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs
hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout
on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.
HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in
a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY
EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm
of DOGS pile out.
HARRY
Okay, gang, single file. You know
the rules: No pushing, no humping,
and no sniffing heinies...
3.
The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR.
PALMER, sticks his head out.
PALMER
Hey, why aren't those mutts on
leashes?
HARRY
The same reason you're not on a leash,
sir because it's demeaning and it
chafes like hell.
PALMER
Just get them in here now! They all
have to be bathed and clipped in an
hour.
Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but
they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from
wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits
them on a wall.
HARRY
You kids stay right here...
As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall
isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away,
taking the two dogs with it.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(at truck)
Hey, wait a minute!
Harry chases after the vehicle.
CUT TO:
EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY
Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined
driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE
STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the
front oor and RINGS THE BELL.
The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON
appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when
he lays eyes on her.
MARY
Hello.
(beat)
I'll be just a minute...
4.
As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of
Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind
his ears...
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO - DAY
Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the
window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on
her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps
glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he
is speechless. Then:
LLOYD
Why you going to the airport? Flying
somewhere?
MARY
(dead-pan)
How'd you guess?
LLOYD
Well, I saw your luggage, then when
I noticed the airline ticket, I put
two and two together.
(beat)
So where you heading?
MARY
Aspen.
LLOYD
Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear
California's beautiful this time of
year.
Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another
glance.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.
MARY
I'm Mary.
ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate
to impress her.
LLOYD
Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.
It's only temporary.
5.
MARY
Oh?
LLOYD
Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I
are saving up our money so we can
open our own pet store.
MARY
That's nice.
LLOYD
(smiling)
I got worms.
MARY
I beg your pardon?
LLOYD
That's what we're gonna call it: I
Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in
selling worm farms you know, like
ant farms. A lot of people don't
realize that worms make much better
pets than ants. They're quiet,
affectionate, they don't bite, and
they're super with the kids.
MARY
Aren't ants quiet, too?
Lloyd realizes she has a point.
LLOYD
Uh... well, sure but they aren't half
as affectionate. And if you cut an
ant's head off, it won't grow back.
MARY
I see.
LLOYD
And best of all, worm farming is a
seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year
industry. I wouldn't mind having a
piece of that pie, if you know what
I mean.
To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks
at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's
concerned about something.
6.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's the matter? Little tense about
the flight?
MARY
(beat)
Something like that.
Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.
LLOYD
It's really nothing to worry about,
Mary. Statistically, they say you're
more likely to get killed on the way
to the airport. You know, like in a
head-on crash, or something.
MARY
Um, Lloyd, could please keep your
eyes on the road.
LLOYD
Good thinking. There's a lot of bad
rivers out there.
Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk
and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she
reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.
MARY
Here you go.
LLOYD
Keep it. It was my pleasure.
For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This
makes her more lovely than ever.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and
pass out. You'll be there before you
know it.
MARY
Thanks Lloyd.
(beat)
And good luck with your worms.
7.
Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal,
followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her,
ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.
Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a
moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He
just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED.
There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE
OFFICER standing there.
POLICE OFFICER
Come on, move it, you're in a red
zone.
Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of
travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are
focused straight ahead.
She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in
an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her.
ARMANI SUIT
She's gonna leave the briefcase at
the foot of the escalator. You make
the pick-up.
PLAID SPORTCOAT
Piece of cake.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport
window and SEES MARY
WALKING ALONG.
When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too.
She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for
her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He
turns to see a car irectly behind him.
LLOYD
(to car's driver)
Drive around me, you pinhead!
When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees
that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF
THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.
8.
He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He
starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police
Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and
dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL
The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to
approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching
for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP
THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at
each other, dumbstruck.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE
Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post
the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion
of numbers.
LLOYD
Damn!
QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he
watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who
FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk
when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.
HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision
of the Police Officer.
He takes off after it, but to no avail.
LLOYD
You can't do this! I'll lose my job!
As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his
fingers through his hair.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A
dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up
and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's
briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building.
They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.
9.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up
and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat.
They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE
MENTAL).
MENTAL
Who the hell do you figure this guy's
working for?
SHAY
I don't know, but we'd better find
out...
Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.
SHAY (CONT'D)
Your ulcer?
MENTAL
It ain't gonna kill me.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently
toward the door of their apartment.
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they
both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still
has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY,
tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.
The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The
carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a
miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt
and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture
with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.
HARRY
I got fired again.
Lloyd shakes his head.
LLOYD
I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but
let's face it, you are one pathetic
loser. No offense.
HARRY
None taken. Were you shitcanned,
too?
10.
LLOYD
Of course not.
(beat)
I quit.
HARRY
Why'd you quit?
LLOYD
I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire
me.
HARRY
Why didn't you wait and see if your
suspicions were well-founded?
LLOYD
Winners control their own destiny,
Har.
Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one
to him.
HARRY
You know, the thing that really chaps
my ass is that I just spent my life
savings turning my van into a poodle.
(beat)
The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
LLOYD
Big deal. That car's an old bomb
anyway.
HARRY
What are you talking about? It's
only six years old.
LLOYD
That's forty-two in dog years.
They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry
notices the briefcase.
HARRY
What's with the briefcase?
LLOYD
It's a love memento.
HARRY
Huh?
11.
LLOYD
The most beautiful woman alive. Her
name was Mary. I drove her to the
airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran
high, breasts heaved. She left this
case in the terminal and flew to
Aspen and out of my life. End of
story.
HARRY
What's in it?
LLOYD
DO you really expect me to go snooping
around in someone else's private
property?
HARRY
Why not?
LLOYD
(beat)
It's locked.
They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a
LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK.
The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to
the
PEEPHOLE.
HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental
are standing at the door.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING to Harry)
Friend or foe?
HARRY
(WHISPERING)
We don't have any friends.
Harry is still squinting out the peephole.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Can't recognize them. Could be student
loan thugs again, or the IRS, or
maybe somebody pissed off about that
case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced
a check on.
12.
LLOYD
Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little
swindlers gave me Peanut Butter
Praline.
HARRY
Well, whoever they are, they look
serious. One of them's even wearing
plaid.
LLOYD
(cringing)
That's a hostile pattern. I say we
bail and get down to unemployment.
Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the
window and down the fire escape.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON
The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building
and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out.
Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE
HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.
INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE -
AFTERNOON
STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.
GRABNER
Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that
neither I nor the unemployment
epartment of the state of Rhose Island
can do anything for you.
(beat)
You've run out of chances. You're
unemployable. Remember last year?
Middle of winter I busted my butt to
GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE-
fifty an hour, and you went and blew it!
LLOYD
Blew it? For your information, we
only missed three days in two months.
HARRY
Yeah, and that was because of a
blizzard
13.
GRABNER
(exploding)
YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!
Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.
HARRY
Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find
something else for us. How about
another crack at that Suicide Hotline?
Grabner jumps up.
GRABNER
OUT!!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen
cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom.
MENTAL
The briefcase ain't here. He must've
taken it with him.
J.P. SHAY
Shit.
(beat)
Well he's gotta come home sometime.
Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.
MENTAL
Maybe we should leave him a little
message to let 'em know we're playing
hardball.
Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around
the bird, who SCREECHES IN
TERROR.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
(a la Tweety Bird)
I taut I taw a puddy cat.
Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-
chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING.
14.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
(still Tweety)
I did, I did...
DISSOLVE TO:
The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd
and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building
entrance.
LLOYD
Give me what's left of our dough.
I'll go to the corner and buy a few
necessities.
Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night
Train?
HARRY
Get Robitussin it's a better buzz.
CUT TO:
EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries.
He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and
removes a quarter.
He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes
that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper.
He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,
and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET
STILL INSIDE.
Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks
his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN
struggles by using a WALKER.
LLOYD
Excuse me, little old lady, do you
have change for a dollar?
ELDERLY WOMAN
Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't...
LLOYD
Well could you do me a favor and
guard this while I go break a dollar?
My wallet's locked in this machine.
15.
ELDERLY LADY
Of course, young man...
Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as
Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters.
Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER,
AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he
sees that
SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT
A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up
the steps to his apartment.
INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT
The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the
couch, looking almost comatose.
HARRY
Where's the booze?
LLOYD
It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma
Walton. She got my wallet, too.
Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Come on, man, cheer up. We've been
own before. I'm sure we'll land on
our heads somewhere.
HARRY
It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet
Petey he's... he's dead.
Lloyd looks touched by this.
LLOYD
Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What
happened?
HARRY
His head fell off.
LLOYD
His head fell off?
16.
HARRY
Yeah, he was pretty old.
Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.
LLOYD
(hopeful)
I don't suppose he had a warranty...?
HARRY
Nah, I bought him used.
As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.
LLOYD
That's it! I've had it with this
ump! We don't have food, we don't
have jobs, our pets' heads are falling
off, we're surrounded by roving gangs
of larcenous old
LADIES...
HARRY
Okay, calm down.
LLOYD
No I won't calm down.
Lloyd flops down in a chair.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What the hell are we doing here
anyway, Harry? We've got to get out
of this town.
HARRY
Yeah, and go where?
LLOYD
I'll tell you where: someplace warm,
a place where the beer flows like
wine, where beautiful women
instinctively flock like the salmon
of Capistrano.
(dramatic PAUSE)
I'm talking about Aspen.
HARRY
Aspen?
LLOYD
That's right, Aspen.
17.
HARRY
I don't know, Lloyd, the French are
assholes.
LLOYD
Let me ask you something: do you
want to end up like Petey dead in
some flea-ridden apartment, face-
down on a Dear Abby column, with a
soggy sunflower seed pressed against
your beak? Or do you want to enjoy
your life?
(beat)
Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's
eath be in vain. Don't you see what
he was saying? Spread your wings,
man. he was saying? Spread your wings,
man. Fly.
HARRY
(confused)
What are you talking about, Lloyd?
His head fell off.
(dawning realization)
Wait a second, I know what you're up
to. You just wanna go to Aspen so
you can find that girl who lost her
briefcase and you need me to drive
you there.
LLOYD
That's bullshit. I'll drive.
(beat)
And what's so wrong about going
someplace where we know someone who
can plug us into the social pipeline?
HARRY
(torn)
I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should
stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep
saving money for the worm store. I'm
getting a little sick and tired of
always running from creditors.
Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry
cityscape.
LLOYD
You know what I'm sick and tired of,
Harry? I'm sick and tired of having
to eek my way through life. I'm sick
and tired of being a nobody.
(MORE)
18.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(beat)
But most of all, I'm sick and tired
of having nobody.
There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then
Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide.
HARRY
Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.
LLOYD
On the other hand, maybe you're right,
Harry. Maybe we should stay here and
try our luck in bankruptcy court.
With all those lawsuits against us,
I'm sure we'll win at least one. It
could be a boost to our egos.
Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches
Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.
HARRY
(emotional)
Petey, I made a promise to you once,
man...
(thinking hard)
...and I'll be damned if I can remember
what it was.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny
Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van
drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER
AERIAL
SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song
continues to play.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat.
The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING
on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:
19.
LLOYD & HARRY
"We've got to get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do,
We've got to get out of this place,
Girl, there's a better life, for me
and you..."
Lloyd turns down the radio.
LLOYD
Well, we're finally doing it. Do you
realize that in all the years we've
known each other, this is the first
time we've done this together.
HARRY
Been run out of town?
LLOYD
Taken a trip.
Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches,
curious.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Why'd you do that?
HARRY
What?
LLOYD
Take your seatbelt off.
HARRY
Because we just cleared the danger
zone.
LLOYD
Huh?
HARRY
Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety
percent of all accidents happen within
five miles of home. We've already
traveled 6.3 miles.
LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN:
LLOYD
Well what about the people who live
around here? What if we got into an
accident with one of them?
20.
Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back
on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio.
HARRY
Where'd you get those?
LLOYD
Bought 'em when we filled up.
HARRY
Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer
on all expenditures. We're on a tight
budget, remember?
LLOYD
This didn't come out of our travel
fund. I was able to scrape up twenty-
five bucks before we left. You know,
so we could live in style.
HARRY
Where'd you get twenty-five extra
bucks?
LLOYD
I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.
HARRY
You mean the blind kid?
LLOYD
That's right.
Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.
HARRY
What did you sell him, Lloyd?
LLOYD
Just some odds and ends.
HARRY
Specifically?
LLOYD
Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of
marbles, Petey, three comic books a
second, are you telling me you sold
my dead bird to a blind kid? Well
who else was I gonna sell it to?
HARRY
But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a
head.
21.
LLOYD
Put your mind at ease, friend. I
took care of it.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a
little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing
with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the
ead bird up, but it flops into his lap.
BILLY
Fly!
Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door.
It reads: TO ALL OUR
LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE -
LLOYD AND HARRY.
PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.
MENTAL
Those bastards. They're rubbing it
right in our faces.
J.P. SHAY
Shit! Andre will have a goddamn
aneurysm if we don't get that
briefcase back.
MENTAL
Don't worry, we'll get it back. And
I'll tell you something else. They
ain't gonna reach Aspen, either.
I'll make sure of that.
Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on
them.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops
more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs.
Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the
air.
22.
BILLY
Come on, boy, fly!
Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS
OUT:
BILLY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, mister. Is there something
wrong with my bird?
Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS
IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can.
MENTAL
Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew
south for the winter.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out
before him.
HARRY
How far have we gone?
LLOYD
According to this map, about an inch
and a half.
HARRY
Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map
or we'll never get there. We don't
have enough gas money.
LLOYD
Relax. We have more than enough.
HARRY
I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.
LLOYD
And I believe I'm right, Harry.
HARRY
I still say wrong, Lloyd.
LLOYD
How much you wanna bet?
HARRY
I don't bet.
23.
Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.
LLOYD
What do you mean you don't bet?
HARRY
I mean I don't gamble, you know that.
Never have and never will.
LLOYD
Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal
that I can get you gambling before
the day's out.
HARRY
There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do
it.
LLOYD
I'll give you three-to-one odds.
That's three feedbags if you win,
against only one if you lose.
HARRY
You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I
already told you, I don't gamble.
LLOYD
Okay, five-to-one I can get you
gambling before the day's out.
HARRY
Sorry, pal, no way.
LLOYD
Make it ten-to-one.
Harry sticks out his hand.
HARRY
You got yourself a bet, sucker!
As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE.
Harry immediately realizes he's been had.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor-
trailer trucks.
24.
INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ
Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables
of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle-
aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a
couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of
the boys and starts to walk away.
LLOYD
(to Waitress)
UH, EXCUSE ME...
The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's the soup du jour?
WAITRESS
It's the soup-of-the-day.
LLOYD
Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.
WAITRESS
(sarcastic)
Anything else before I leave the
area?
HARRY
Actually, this chocolate milk isn't
mixed very well. Could you please
bring me a spoon?
The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS
INTO THE STRAW, MIXING
THE DRINK.
WAITRESS
There. Now you don't need one.
The guys watch her stomp away.
LLOYD
FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID-
back country-folk, don't it, Harry?
Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put
it in the ashtray, he accidentally
KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.
25.
LLOYD
Uh-oh...
HARRY
What's the matter?
LLOYD
You spilled the salt. That's bad
luck. We're driving across the country
and the last thing we need is bad
luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt
over your right shoulder.
HARRY
What for?
LLOYD
Because that's good luck.
Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it
over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a
YELP.
MALE VOICE
(o.s.)
What the fuck?!
LLOYD
Or was it the left shoulder?
They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his
eyes.
TRUCKER
Who's the dead man threw shit in my
eye?
The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's
wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM,
SIXTY-NINE 'EM.
HARRY
It was a terrible accident, Sir.
Believe me, I would never do anything
to offend a man of your size. Please
accept my most sincere apology.
The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his
equally burly FRIENDS.
BURLY FRIEND #1
Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!
26.
Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.
SEA BASS
You gonna eat that?
HARRY
Um... the thought had crossed my mind.
At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF
TOBACCO SPIT ONTO
THE HAMBURGER.
SEA BASS
Still want it?
Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.
HARRY
Nah, you go ahead.
Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to
the LAUGHTER of his friends.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while
Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away,
REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles
at this, and we
CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ
The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and
STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS.
HARRY
Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I
still haven't eaten.
LLOYD
Well if you'd stop picking fights
with the locals...
(brightening)
Wait a second. I think I just had an
idea. Follow me...
Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A
nervous Harry trails after him.
27.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like
to apologize for that unpleasant
scene a little earlier.
SEA BASS
Huh?
LLOYD
What I'm trying to say is, my friend
and I would like to buy you guys a
round of beers, just to bury the
hatchet.
Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the
Truckers seem to like the idea.
SEA BASS
Make it four boiler-makers.
LLOYD
Whatever you want, sir. I'll have
the waitress send them over. Oh, and
fellas hope to see you again down
the road.
Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.
HARRY
Lloyd, what are you doing? You know
we can't afford to buy them drinks.
Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.
LLOYD
Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered
to pick up our check. They said just
add this to their tab.
CASHIER
(skeptical)
Sea Bass said that?
LLOYD
Well, if that guy at the table over
there is Sea Bass...
He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass
NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING
TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced.
CASHIER
Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants...
28.
Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy
bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter.
HARRY
Oh, and put these on there, too.
CASHIER
You got it.
LLOYD
(to Cashier)
By the way, how far is it to Rhode
Island from here?
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS
OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.
SEA BASS
I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches!
CASHIER
Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was
on their way to Rhode Island.
The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the
OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutts van breezes by.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef
Jerky.
LLOYD
I just wish we could've seen Sea
Bass's face when he got the bill.
HARRY
I hope we never have to.
LLOYD
Don't worry. That fish-head is
probably half-way to Providence by
now.
29.
HARRY
I hope so.
Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.
LLOYD
Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a
whiz.
HARRY
Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now.
What if they figure out we went the
other way. They'll be on us in no
time.
LLOYD
But I gotta go. What am I supposed
to do?
HARRY
Hold it.
LLOYD
I can't hold it. I'm about to explode.
HARRY
Well... just take a whiz in an empty
beer bottle. There's a couple on the
floor in the back seat.
LLOYD
Are you serious?
HARRY
Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping
now. We could get killed.
Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back
seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND.
Then:
LLOYD
Uh-oh...
HARRY
What's the matter?
LLOYD
The bottle's almost full and I'm
still going.
HARRY
Well stop going.
30.
LLOYD
I can't stop once I already started,
you know that. Quick, get me another
bottle.
Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way
in the back seat for an empty.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Jesus, be careful! You almost went
off the road.
HARRY
I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best
I can.
He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the
switch.
LLOYD
Here, hold this.
Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a
STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The
Trooper takes off after them.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN
Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL
BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat.
HARRY
What are you, a goddamn camel?
LLOYD
Hey, I haven't gone all day.
Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:
STATE TROOPER
(o.s.)
Pull over!
They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside
then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT:
HARRY
Huh?
31.
STATE TROOPER
PULL OVER!
Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at
the Trooper.
HARRY
(calling out)
No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for
noticing!
He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled
Lloyd.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Jesus, what is this, the fashion
police?
The Cop turns on his SIREN.
STATE TROOPER
PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD!
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts
van, staring at it with isapproval.
STATE TROOPER
License and registration, please.
Harry hands him the papers.
STATE TROOPER (CONT'D)
You know, you fellas were all over
the road back there.
HARRY
Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty
in the car.
STATE TROOPER
Uh-huh.
(beat)
Have you boys been doing a little
rinking maybe?
HARRY
No, sir.
32.
STATE TROOPER
Then what's that?
He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat
between them.
HARRY
Oh, that's nothing, sir.
STATE TROOPER
Do you know it's against the law to
rive with an open alcohol container
in this state?
LLOYD
But, your honor, he's telling the
truth. It's not beer.
The officer smirks.
STATE TROOPER
Is that right?
The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He
inspects the beer label, then MOVES
THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.
HARRY
Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep
your mouth shut if you knew what was
good for you.
LLOYD
(under breath)
YOU WOULD, TOO...
Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down
the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER
HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:
STATE TROOPER
(pained)
Get the hell out of here.
CUT TO:
The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while
the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on
his knees.
CUT TO:
33.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The van is making steady progress through the dark night.
INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger
seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to
play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen.
DISSOLVE TO:
LLOYD'S FANTASY:
Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered
chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue
and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out
of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary
opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks
into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she
slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow...
Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her,
she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances
over her shoulder at him.
CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY
BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of
two people behind the curtain.
LLOYD
(v.o.)
OOH... OOH... MARY...
MARY
(v.o.)
How does that feel, Lloyd?
LLOYD
(v.o.)
MMMM... TINGLY...
INT. SHOWER
CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE,
with different shampoos on either side of his head and a
noticeable part down the middle.
MARY
(o.s.)
How's the other side?
34.
LLOYD
Nothing. Nothing at all.
MARY
(o.s.)
Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...?
ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better
than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we
are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS
SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE.
Then TWICE.
ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening.
JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD
THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back
into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd
lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we
CUT TO:
EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT
The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment.
A neon sign blinks: GROUP
DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE.
HARRY
(v.o.)
I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little
sleazy staying here when we're not
even engaged.
LLOYD
(v.o.)
Hey, it's the only motel that charges
by the hour. We can't afford anything
else.
INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL
Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI.
Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer
as the water swirls around them.
LLOYD
Yep, this sure is the life. Cold
beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink
sheets... You know, there's only one
thing that could make this moment
any better.
35.
HARRY
What's that?
LLOYD
If you had a nice set of knockers.
HARRY
That's two things, Lloyd.
LLOYD
Right now I'd settle for one.
Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and
looks around at the romantic decor.
HARRY
I don't know, Lloyd, these places
just don't do it for me. Brings back
too many memories.
LLOYD
What happened, Harry? Some little
filly break your heart?
HARRY
Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher.
We stayed at a place like this once
No-Tell Motel out on Route 31.
LLOYD
Felcher? You mean the babe who worked
for the tractor company?
Harry nods.
HARRY
The same. We had this incredibly
romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd
be together forever.
(SIGHS)
Then about a week later, right out
of the blue, she sends me a John
Deere letter.
LLOYD
That's cold, Har. Give you any reason?
HARRY
I called her up and she gave me some
crap about me not listening to her
enough or something like that. I
wasn't really paying attention.
36.
Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big
gulp.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Thing that really hurts is I think
she was seeing another guy. Never id
find out who.
ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT.
CUT TO:
EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT
We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over
from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in the passenger seat.
PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the
booth, an ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he
waits for the phone.
MENTAL
(into phone)
The boys are holed-up in a little
love nest for the night. I think
they're a couple of fucking weirdos.
INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT
NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless
phone. He's in his late 30s, wears a ponytail, and dresses
in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic.
ANDRE
What in hell are those guys up to?
Is it possible that they're Feds?
INTERCUT CONVERSATION
MENTAL
Unlikely from what I've seen.
The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental
to hang up.
ANDRE
I don't like this one goddamn bit,
Mental. You and Shay were supposed
to grab that bag so we could end
this shit. Now I don't know what the
hell's going on.
Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip.
The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again.
37.
MENTAL
Hold on a second, Mr. Andre...
Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer
to the booth. The Man moves forward a few inches. Mental
motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental
punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks
the Anxious Man out cold. Then
Mental picks up the phone again.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
Sorry, boss. You were saying...?
ANDRE
Look, Mental, just find out what
they're up to. I want to know who
these guys are.
MENTAL
Don't worry. I'm on it.
Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's
not being watched, then approaches the parked Mutt Cutt van.
He's joined by J.P. Shay.
As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW
GROWL. They stop in their tracks and turn, expecting to see
a dog but there isn't one. They both take another step
forward, and the GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental
and Shay stop. He peeks under the car. Nothing.
SHAY
What the fuck...?
Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he
touches it, though, the car alarm goes off but instead of a
siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING.
Mental jumps back and pulls his gun.
MENTAL
Where's the goddamn dog?
Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now,
forcing a flustered Shay and Mental to retreat from the scene.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home.
38.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET
An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her
briefcase) is pacing back and forth in
AN IMPRESSIVE, ANTIQUE-FILLED LIVING ROOM. SEATED ON A COUCH
ARE HER FATHER KARL AND HIS MUCH-
younger second wife, HELEN.
MARY
It just doesn't make any sense. I
left the money exactly where they
instructed me to.
HELEN
Actually, it makes a great deal of
sense, Mary. We should have called
in the authorities the moment we
knew Melvin had been kidnapped.
KARL
Now, Helen, we've been through this
already for Christ's sake, Karl,
these bastards will extort us into
bankruptcy if we let them.
MARY
But I'd never forgive myself if
something happened to Melvin.
KARL
Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen.
She's been through quite enough
already.
MARY
It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all
a little on edge.
Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed
Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks appropriately solemn.
ANDRE
Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson?
KARL
Nothing yet, Nicholas.
Andre looks upset.
ANDRE
Perhaps I should call off the
Preservation benefit this weekend.
39.
IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RE-
schedule.
HELEN
No, Nicholas, it's imperative that
we carry on as usual.
The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl
Swanson holds his hand out to his aughter.
KARL
Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do
everything they ask. Nothing's going
to happen to Melvin, I promise you.
MARY
Thank you, Daddy.
Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe
Mental gets out of the car and props the hood open. He takes
out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his
pocket.
MENTAL
(to Shay)
Lie down on the front seat. After
they pick me up I want you to follow
us.
Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van
to come along.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder.
LLOYD
You're it.
Harry taps Lloyd back.
HARRY
You're it.
Lloyd immediately taps Harry.
40.
LLOYD
You're it. Quitsies.
HARRY
(tapping him back)
Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies.
No anti-quitsies. No startsies.
Lloyd shakes his head, defeated.
LLOYD
Damn, you're good, Harry.
(beat)
Hey, didn't I tell you this trip
would be a blast?
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van
approaching, and starts WAVING HIS HANDS to flag them down.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN
Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys
don't slow down, through. The just WAVE BACK as they BLOW
RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the
SOUND OF A DOG BARKING.
LLOYD
See, I told you these country folks
were friendly, Harry.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road,
Shay sits up in the front seat.
SHAY
What happened?
MENTAL
These fuckers are really pissing me
off now.
CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY
We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes
by.
41.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
HARRY
Refresh my memory on something, Lloyd:
what exactly do we do when we get to
Aspen?
LLOYD
Well the first thing we do is take a
good deep breath of that famous
Aspenese air.
HARRY
Fresh, huh?
LLOYD
The freshest. They say on any day of
the week you can smell a moose-fart
ten miles away.
HARRY
(sincere)
Wow... talk about paradise.
(beat)
And after we're finished breathing,
what next, Lloyd?
LLOYD
Then we make a splash on the social
scene.
Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Harry, look the golden arches. Pull
over, I'm starving.
CUT TO:
EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window.
MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE
...That's two cheese burgers, two fries,
and two medium Cokes. Five seventy-
two.
Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a
handful of change.
HARRY
Thanks.
42.
Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys
absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they pull out of the parking
lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window
and WAVES THE BAG OF FOOD at them.
MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE
Hey!
But the guys are already around the corner.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along.
INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY
HARRY
About this social scene how do you
expect a couple mutts like us to
make a splash in the land of pedigrees
when we don't even have any money?
LLOYD
Look, once we drop the briefcase off
to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll
plug us right into the party circuit.
After that, we do a little of the
ski
SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW-
rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough
business connections to open a first-class worm operation.
You see, you don't get rich working, Harry. You get rich
knowing the rich.
HARRY
Where'd you hear that?
LLOYD
Some bum down at unemployment.
Harry thinks about this.
HARRY
I don't know, Lloyd.
LLOYD
What's the matter?
HARRY
Money does terrible things to people.
I mean, we could lose our friendship.
43.
Lloyd thinks about this.
LLOYD
Yeah? So?
Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS
ON LLOYD.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.
HARRY
What?
LLOYD
Aren't you forgetting something?
Harry thinks about this.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Back at Mickey D's? A little matter
you might've overlooked...?
Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail.
HARRY
What?
Lloyd rolls his eyes.
LLOYD
My change.
As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice
something up ahead.
HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, JOE MENTAL IS
WAVING THEM
DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS
THE ROAD,
BLOCKING THEIR PATH.
HARRY
I think this guy's in trouble. Why
on't you pull over.
Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He
pulls the car to the side of the road. Mental approaches the
passenger window.
44.
MENTAL
You guys going as far as Des Moines?
My car died and I'm late for a
business meeting.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN
THEM, looking extremely ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle
of an argument.
HARRY
It's a fruit.
LLOYD
It's a vegetable.
HARRY
I'm telling you, it's a fruit.
LLOYD
And I happen to know it's a vegetable.
HARRY
Tell you what, why don't we leet an
impartial judge decide.
LLOYD
Fine with me.
Harry turns to Joe Mental.
HARRY
Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet:
Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables?
Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his
mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket and we see a GLINT OF
STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though,
Lloyd hits the breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of
hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER
The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is
crammed into the car including a CRYING BABY who sits on a
pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a FLAMENCO GUITAR
and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG.
DISSOLVE TO:
45.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL
The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing
a game while Mental stares straight ahead, furious. His eyes
are watering and he looks ill.
LLOYD
Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip.
Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a
few times, then closes his eyes and WAFTS it up toward his
nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Hmmm... full-bodied, delicate bouquet,
aged to perfection will rip no fart
before it's time.
(beat)
Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's
rules: you got ten seconds. All right.
I'll say: cheese doodles, chili dog
extra onions, garden salad with blue...
HARRY
And...?
LLOYD
Kit-Kat bar.
Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck.
HARRY
You're the best, man.
(beat)
Okay, my turn.
LLOYD
Where are your manners, Harry? We
have a guest.
Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully.
HARRY
Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly.
It's only a buck.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON
A large neon road sign beside the café shows a man's
exasperated face with FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH
AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI
46.
PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER.
INT. DANTE'S INFERNO
Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe
Mental. The boys are each holding up a
POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER.
HARRY
I'll do one if you will.
LLOYD
Okay, you go first.
HARRY
No, you go first.
LLOYD
No, you go first.
MENTAL
Why don't you both stop being a couple
of pussies and go at the same time.
It ain't that hot.
Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE
INTO THE PEPPERS.
LLOYD
Hmmm, not bad...
HARRY
Yeah, more tingly than hot.
Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A
smile begins to curl on Mental's lips. He pours them a couple
glasses of water from a pitcher.
MENTAL
Have some water. It'll help.
Lloyd and Harry who are both sweating profusely now start
to GULP down their water. This, of course, makes it burn
more.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just
makes it worse...
The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR
HEADS, much to the elight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental.
CUT TO:
47.
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY
Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to
Nicholas Andre.
INTERCUT CONVERSATION
MENTAL
It's Mental. I'm just sitting down
to a nice meal with our boys.
ANDRE
Good work. What did you find out so
far?
MENTAL
Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em
own for information at lunch.
(beat)
Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert.
ANDRE
Well eat fast, time's running out.
And whatever you do, don't let them get any closer. I don't
need them here running around Aspen.
Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket.
MENTAL
Relax, they ain't gonna be running
around anywhere after I dump a little
cyanide in their pops.
INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY
Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if
they just finished the Boston Marathon. The burgers have
been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized
to touch them.
HARRY
That really wasn't very polite of
him, was it? Maybe we should loosen
the screws of his chair.
LLOYD
Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you.
Perhaps it's about time you brushed
UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD-
fearing adults call the Bible. It's crammed with all kinds
of pithy rules to live your life by.
48.
HARRY
(humbled)
You mean like 'turn the other cheek?'
LLOYD
No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.'
Hand me those peppers the atomic
ones.
Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S
BURGER WITH CHILI
PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE.
HARRY
(whispering)
Here he comes.
Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back
down at the table.
MENTAL
Feeling any better, boys?
As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each
other and TITTER. Then he picks it up and brings it to his
mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
So tell me, why you fellas headed to
Aspen? Vacation?
LLOYD
More like re-location.
Mental starts toward the burger but stops again.
MENTAL
Doesn't look like you packed much.
All I saw was a couple bags... and
that briefcase.
HARRY
The briefcase isn't even ours. Some
lady just left it at the airport.
We're bringing it back to her.
This is news to Mental.
MENTAL
You mean you don't even know her?
LLOYD
Not really. I was just her limo river.
49.
Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're
serious. Then he BREAKS OUT
LAUGHING.
MENTAL
Talk about being in the wrong place
at the wrong time...
Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his
head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER, CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost
immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF
HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS
TO THE
GROUND, GASPING.
The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help
him.
HARRY
Hey, you okay, man? It was just a
goof.
MENTAL
(STRAINED WHISPER)
My ulcer... quick... pills... in my coat...
Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but
unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes
some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in
his mouth and starts to MUNCH on them.
For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and
he sits up. Then his EYES
LIGHT UP.
MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is
holding!
MENTAL (CONT'D)
You son-of-a-bitch!
Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn.
HARRY
I can't believe it...
50.
LLOYD
Life is a fragile thing, Har. One
minute you're chewing on a burger;
the next minute you're dead meat.
HARRY
But he blamed me. You heard him.
Those were his last words.
LLOYD
If you don't count that gurgling
sound.
Harry lets out a GROAN.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Hey, relax, man, I'm just as
responsible as you are we both
slipped him the peppers and look at
me, I on't feel guilty at all.
HARRY
Small comfort coming from a man who
sells dead birds to blind kids.
(SIGHS)
Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a
ead guy pissed at me. His restless
spirit will probably haunt me for
the next seventy-five years.
LLOYD
That's ridiculous. You probably won't
live to see forty.
Harry perks up, cheered by this thought.
HARRY
Oh yeah.
(beat)
Wow. What a relief.
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey,
we
CUT TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING
A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS
to DETECTIVE DALE. The etective is a no-nonsense type in his
mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut.
51.
DOCTOR
...My official conclusion is that the
eceased expired from oxygen eprivation
caused by the presence of cyanide in
the bloodstream.
DT. DALE
You mean he was poisoned?
DOCTOR
Unquestionably. We found these by
the body.
He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods
and approaches another COP in the b.g.
COP
Waitress says he was with a couple
of younger guys. They're the ones
who called the ambulance then they
hit the road.
DT. DALE
Any idea where they were going?
COP
A witness at the next table thought
he heard them say they were driving
to France.
Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs.
COP (CONT'D)
We got a report they were seen heading
west on I-80 toward Colorado.
DT. DALE
Get a make on the vehicle?
The Cop consults his note pad.
COP
Yes, sir. They were driving an '84
poodle.
Dt. Dale does a double-take.
DT. DALE
An '84 what?
52.
COP
(straight-faced)
Well it might have been a wire-haired
terrier, Detective. They're very
similar in appearance.
The Detective looks confused, as we
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the
black night toward Aspen.
HARRY
Let's get off and crash at a motel
before I crash into one.
(yawning)
I need a crib fast.
LLOYD
Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold
out. Seems we misjudged our expense
allocation. If we pay for a motel we
won't have enough for gas.
HARRY
What happened to the dough?
LLOYD
We over-leveraged.
HARRY
On what?
LLOYD
I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last
meal. Felt it was the least we could
o after we deep-sixed him.
HARRY
Wait a second one burger put us
over budget?
LLOYD
The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe
and a chocolate malt.
HARRY
Oh.
(beat)
So what are we gonna do?
53.
LLOYD
Drive. We've only got ten more hours.
We can take turns.
CUT TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas
Andre.
SHAY
You heard me, he's dead. The bastards
killed him.
INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT
Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks.
ANDRE
Jesus Christ...
Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration.
ANDRE (CONT'D)
All right, I want you back here now.
If they're coming this way I'm going
to need you.
SHAY
(v.o.)
How's our bankroll doing? Giving you
a hard time?
ANDRE
Melvin's not the problem. It's these
two other guys that have me worried.
I wish I knew what the hell they
wanted.
Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement
stairs.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle.
We hear MUFFLED HUMAN WHIMPERING coming from deep within the
well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole.
ANDRE
How you doing today, Melvin?
54.
Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the
well.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives
on. A roadsign reading DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd
Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry peers
at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we
see a series of quick shots:
A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep
with his feet now on Harry's lap.
Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight
ahead, practically catatonic. Lloyd's feet are out the window
and his head is on Harry's lap.
The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are
now up over the headrest and his head is down where his feet
should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out.
Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD,
GAS NEXT EXIT.
EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING
The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background
are several tractor-trailer rigs and a café. Harry climbs
out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the
passenger door.
Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him
with his foot.
HARRY
Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll pump.
Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT
ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS to unscrew the gas cap. Then he
sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up.
55.
EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY
ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room.
When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the engine
on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee
pulls up and a long-legged, tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs
out. This seems to wake Harry up.
The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and
starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a feeble attempt to
brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods
to the skis on her roof-rack.
HARRY
Skis, huh?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
That's right.
HARRY
Great.
She continues to pump gas.
HARRY (CONT'D)
They yours?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Uh-huh..
HARRY
Both of 'em?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Um, yeah.
HARRY
(impressed)
Cool.
THE GAS FROM HARRY'S NOZZLE STARTS TO OVERFLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T
NOTICE. FROM HER POV IT LOOKS
like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Excuse me, you're spraying everywhere.
56.
Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He
immediately removes the nozzle and replaces it on the pump
as she smiles to herself.
INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM
Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read
the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he comes to one
that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993,
2:15
A.M. SHARP.
He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch.
CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8.
ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15.
Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the
BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd
quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet
bowl so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS
approaches the stall and then stops. Lloyd looks down to see
a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely
hear a LOW GROWL. Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds
his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and Lloyd lets out a
SIGH OF RELIEF.
All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE
STEPS INTO FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS.
HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass.
SEA BASS
Well, well, well, if it ain't my old
friend.
(checks watch)
And right on time...
As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we
CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has
sidled up to the driver's side. He leans against her side-
view mirror.
57.
HARRY
(re: suitcases in
back seat)
That's a lot of luggage for a little
vacation.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've
got to get away from my boyfriend.
He's such a klutz. My astrologer told me I should avoid
accident-prone guys.
Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on
SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS
HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN
QUICKLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
HARRY
(holding out mirror)
Here, this is a little loose.
She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a
cigarette.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Allow me...
He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish.
The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks. Harry tosses the match
to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes
rise around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING
BURNING. (Neither of them notice this.)
HARRY (CONT'D)
Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen
we can meet up... you know, for hot
chocolate or something.
She looks him over and smiles.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Why not? You seem pretty harmless.
I'll give you my number. Just let me
find a pen.
As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE
SMOKE. He looks down and sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE!
He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe,
but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still
searching for a pen.
58.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
I know I have one here somewhere...
Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames.
This only helps to fan them.
HARRY
(urgently)
Look, why don't you just tell it to
me, I've got a good memory.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Are you sure you won't forget?
HARRY
(desperate)
Positive please hurry.
He begins hopping around violently.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Is something wrong?
Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from
screaming.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
Okay, my number is 652-2553.
(beat)
Oh, wait a second, that's my old
number. It's so funny how your mind
god sakes, give me the damn number!
She's taken aback by this outburst.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy
you can just forget it!
She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY.
INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM
Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he
slides him up the wall of the toilet stall.
SEA BASS
First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm
gonna kill you. Any last request?
LLOYD
Um, yeah could you do it the other
way around?
59.
Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps
back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The sound of the zipper brings a
green color to Lloyd's face.
ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED
Harry rushes into the bathroom, panic-stricken. In his
desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR KNOCKING SEA
BASS ON THE HEAD and thrusts his flaming foot into the
toilet,
EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE.
Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice
LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND
SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE.
Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he
lets out an admonishing
WHISTLE.
HARRY
You've got some serious explaining
to o, young man.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE with the toes sticking out
on the accelerator.
LLOYD
Look, Harry, I told you what happened,
now drop it.
HARRY
Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to
mention another word about you being
in a bathroom stall with a six-foot,
five-inch trucker with his pants
own.
LLOYD
That's a low blow, man.
HARRY
Not at that height it's not.
LLOYD
Listen, bud, if you're trying to
imply that I'm that thought look,
we're almost in Colorado.
60.
LLOYD SQUINTS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. A SIGN UP AHEAD SAYS:
LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA -
COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES.
HARRY
I think it's about time we pull over
and change seats. I've been driving
for nine straight hours I don't
have the energy to start a new state.
Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE
ROCKY MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN
stopping and checking cars as they cross the border. A
HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale
hops out. He hurries to the COP in charge.
DT. DALE
Any sign of them yet?
COP
No, but we're expecting them shortly.
A motorist said he spotted a pooch
about thirty miles back headed this
way.
Detective Dale nods, satisfied.
CUT TO:
EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos
and a soda. He settles into the driver's seat and pulls a
Beef Jerky out of his back pocket.
LLOYD
Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky...
When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already
fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd shakes his head.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Boy, some guys just weren't cut out
for life on the road.
61.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to
the nearby freeway entrance. As he enters the on-ramp, we
ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly
headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING
It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in
the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a coffee. The van hits a
bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open.
LLOYD
Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.
HARRY
(groggy)
How long have I been out?
LLOYD
I'd say a good five hours, anyway.
Harry yawns and stretches.
HARRY
Great. We must be getting real close,
huh?
LLOYD
Should be. I've been averaging about
ninety miles an hour all night.
HARRY
Good man.
LLOYD
Boy, I'll tell you, this is one
angerous highway. You wouldn't believe
all the road pizza two dead ogs, a
couple of rabbits, a snake and some
big thing I couldn't even recognize.
HARRY
That's awful. Did you see them get
hit or were they already lying there?
LLOYD
I hit 'em.
Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS.
62.
HARRY
Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains
to be a little rockier than this.
LLOYD
I was thinking the same thing. That
John Denver's some full of shit,
huh?
They both stare out the window.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
I must say, Des Moines sure is a
pretty little town.
HARRY
Yeah, it really is.
(beat)
Wait a minute when did you visit
Des Moines?
LLOYD
Last night. We drove through it.
HARRY
What are you talking about? You were
snoring like a baby when we went
through Des Moines.
Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS
in Harry's face.
LLOYD
(sing-song)
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and
shine.
(LAUGHS)
You were the one who was asleep,
numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You're delirious.
A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing
terrain. Then something starts to awn on him. Slowly.
HARRY
Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't
the sun rise in the east and set in
the west?
LLOYD
In our country it does, yes.
63.
HARRY
Then perchance you can explain to me
why the sun is in our face at 7:30
in the morning when we're heading
west.
Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING
The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry
is sitting beside it on the pavement, a BROKEN man.
LLOYD
I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can
make a mistake.
But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Come on, man, pull yourself together.
HARRY
You know, I got half a mind to just
jump on the bus to Europe and say
goodbye to your ugly mug forever.
LLOYD
(rolls his eyes)
You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo.
HARRY
Oh yeah? Why not?
LLOYD
You don't have a passport.
Harry lets out a defeated SIGH.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Come on, stop being a baby about
this. Okay, so we back-tracked a
tad.
HARRY
A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a
sixth of the way across the country
in the wrong direction. Now we don't
have enough money to get to Aspen,
we on't have enough money to get
home, we don't have enough to eat,
we don't have enough to sleep!
64.
LLOYD
Well it doesn't do any good having
you sitting there on your butt whining
about it. If we're gonna get out of
this hole, we're gonna have to dig
ourselves out.
Harry thinks about this.
HARRY
You know, you're absolutely right,
Lloyd.
He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward
the highway.
LLOYD
Where you going?
HARRY
Home. I'm walking home.
LLOYD
You can't be serious.
HARRY
(sarcastic)
Why not? We're probably only five
miles away.
Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches.
LLOYD
(CALLING OUT)
Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you
never screwed up.
Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his
friend. He seems completely rained.
HARRY
Look, man... I'm sorry.
(beat)
I never should have let you talk me
into this in the first place. You've
got a good reason to goo a beautiful
girl's waiting for you. But let's
face it, Lloyd, there's nothing
waiting for me in Aspen.
(beat)
There's nothing waiting for me
anywhere.
65.
Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks
away. Out of frustration, he BANGS the snout of the car,
causing it to BARK.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out
unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by, the cold wind whipping
at his clothes.
A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the
window. It lands at Harry's feet. EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S
FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the Indian
in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see
it's a BAG OF ONIONS that's ripped open.
Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking
vehicle and Harry hesitates. Then the passenger window rolls
down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel.
LLOYD
Got room for one more, if you still
want to go to Aspen.
Harry looks the hearse over.
HARRY
Where'd you find this baby?
LLOYD
Used car dealer. I traded the van
for it. Plus I got the guy to throw
in fifty bucks for gas money.
(beat)
Come on, man, what do you say? We
still partners?
HARRY SMILES AND WE
CUT TO:
EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY
An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the
Colorado border with several other officers.
DT. DALE
It doesn't make sense. They should've
been here hours ago.
COP
Maybe they're smarter than we thought.
66.
DT. DALE
How smart can they be? They're riving
a goddamn dog!
Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie.
COP #2
We just got a report that they were
spotted about two hours ago heading
east near Des Moines on I-80.
DT. DALE
(incredulous)
Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred
miles from here!
COP #1
Guess they got wind of our welcoming
party.
DT. DALE
We're wasting time. Let's mobilize.
Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow.
As the officers climb into their cars, we
CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - DAY
Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window.
LLOYD
Tell me something, Harry. Would you
really have kept going home if I
hadn't come back to get you?
HARRY
Well let me put it this way, Lloyd:
Do you remember when we were Cub
Scouts and we got lost in the woods
uring that blizzard? We huddled
together all night, and we made an
oath that if we ever got out of there
alive we'd never ever leave each
other's side again. Do you remember
that?
Lloyd thinks hard about this.
LLOYD
We were never Cub Scouts.
67.
HARRY
Exactly.
Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite
direction with SIRENS BLARING and LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry
glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN
in the rear of the vehicle.
HARRY (CONT'D)
What the hell is this? There's a
coffin in the back!
LLOYD
Relax, it's empty.
HARRY
I don't give a shit. I'm not driving
anywhere with a casket. You know I'm
superstitious calm down. We'll dump
it off first chance we get.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse.
Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL PROCESSION. The lead car is
a CADILLAC.
INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY
(This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and
a WOMAN are arguing.
WOMAN
I married a cheapskate.
MAN
Shut your trap, Gerdie.
WOMAN
I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be
able to show my face again.
MAN
I knew something good would come out
of this.
WOMAN
We could have given him a more
ignified burial.
68.
MAN
Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember
what he got us for our twenty-fifth?
A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm
gonna spend a load to get him planted.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of
them. The Man and the Woman on't notice this an soon the
ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY
FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE.
CUT TO:
EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY
Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the
market. The procession comes to a halt behind them. The guys
get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back.
Then they unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER
AND WIPE THEIR HANDS
OFF.
ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is
practically on the floor.
WOMAN
You son-of-a-bitch! I want a ivorce!
CUT TO:
QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE
SCENIC ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY
The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN,
COLORADO.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY
The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows,
studying the passersby, taking in the sights and sounds of
the ski town.
69.
LLOYD
Isn't this wonderful? What more could
a couple of single guys like us ask
for?
HARRY
How about food and shelter?
LLOYD
You're so materialistic.
(beat)
Why don't we get down to business
and eliver the briefcase to Mary.
Who knows, maybe she'll invite us in
for tea and a strumpet or two?
HARRY
Jolly good idea, chap. And where oes
the lovely young lady reside?
LLOYD
Um... good question.
Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone
booth next to them.
HARRY
Well what's her last name? We'll
look it up in the phone book.
LLOYD
Hmmmm... You know, I don't believe I
caught that either.
Harry's concern grows.
HARRY
What about the briefcase, Lloyd?
There must've been a name on it,
right?
LLOYD
(brightening)
Come to think of it, there is. It's
engraved right into the leather.
HARRY
What is it?
LLOYD
Samsonite spelled just like it
sounds.
70.
Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly
HE STOPS and puts the book down, a DEFEATED look on his face.
CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a
picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are shivering in the
front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse.
They're each spooning something out of a coffee cup and
sipping it.
HARRY
Any soup left?
LLOYD
A little. Shall we share it?
HARRY
Please.
Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it
into Harry's cup and the other half into his. They pour a
few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons.
LLOYD
Mmmm mmmm good...
Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and
leans toward him.
HARRY
Hey, you got something stuck in your
front teeth.
Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it.
LLOYD
Hmmm... looks like an old piece of
Beef Jerky.
HARRY STARES AT IT. THEN:
HARRY
Wanna split it?
LLOYD
You're pathetic. Get your own.
Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it.
Another gust of wind swirls around them.
71.
HARRY
I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd.
LLOYD
Roll up your window.
HARRY
It is rolled up.
LLOYD
Then I guess the damn anti-cold system
isn't working. You really should get
it fixed if we're gonna live here
all winter.
HARRY
What anti-cold system?
Lloyd points to the dash.
LLOYD
Right here the A/C button. I put it
on full blast about an hour ago and,
if anything, the car's getting colder.
Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted.
He opens the car door and starts to climb out.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What are you going out there for?
HARRY
To warm up.
EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT
Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms
crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other side.
LLOYD
What are you worrying about now?
HARRY
I'm worried about how you're gonna
survive the pummeling I'm about to
give you.
LLOYD
Huh?
Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the
other side of the car. Harry leaps across the hood, but Lloyd
manages to evade his grasp.
72.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Harry, calm down! You're acting like
a wild animal!
HARRY
Get over here and take your medicine,
Lloyd!
LLOYD
Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine.
I'm a Christian Scientist!
Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated,
Harry opens the car and PULLS THE
BRIEFCASE OUT.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
HARRY
Something I should've done a long
time ago. This stupid thing has been
the root of our problems all along.
Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river.
LLOYD
Don't do anything foolish, Harry.
HARRY
Foolish? This is the most sensible
thing I've done in years. I'm gonna
toss this goddamn curse right into
that river.
Lloyd starts to follow after Harry.
LLOYD
You're making a big mistake, Harry!
I'll never forgive you for this!
Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose
of the briefcase.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get
better, I promise! In fact, I think
I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It's
yours, Harry, all yours!
Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued.
73.
HARRY
You're bluffing.
LLOYD
No I'm not, man look.
Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints
at it.
HARRY
That's a filling, you liar!
Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs,
but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they reach the bridge. The briefcase
GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another
in the snow, rolling over and over.
Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on
top and CLASPS HIS HANDS
AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT.
HARRY (CONT'D)
I used to have a life! A miserable
one, but a life, nonetheless!
Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S.
behind his friend.
LLOYD
(CHOKED VOICE)
Harry, look!
Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd
as we see
THEIR POV - THE BRIEFCASE IS LYING BUSTED OPEN ON THE GROUND,
REVEALING STACKS AND
STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!
CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT
Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching
the briefcase. The city is lit up with millions of tiny
lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland.
LLOYD
Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a
few bucks just a small loan from
the briefcase, and we check into a
cheap motel.
74.
HARRY
Sounds good.
LLOYD
And we'll keep track of the money we
spend with IOUs.
HARRY
We'll be meticulous right down to
the last penny.
LLOYD
That way, whatever we borrow we can
pay back.
HARRY
Absolutely. We're good for it.
LLOYD
You know, as soon as we get jobs.
HARRY
It'll come right out of our first
paycheck.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around
an ENORMOUS AND LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to
throw a touchdown bomb in.
BARNARD
...This is the Hotel Danbury's
Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's
normally reserved for royalty,
visiting dignitaries, and illustrious
stars of stage and take it.
The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased.
BARNARD (CONT'D)
Very good, sir. Are there any bags
you'd like sent up?
LLOYD
Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our
own chicks.
BARNARD
(peevish)
I wasn't talking about ladies.
75.
HARRY
Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up.
What are their names?
Barnard SIGHS.
BARNARD
Sir, I meant your luggage.
Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile.
LLOYD
Tell you what you can send up, my
friend how about some chow?
The Bell Captain nods.
BARNARD
I'll bring you a menu.
LLOYD
Don't bother. Just order us one of
everything.
At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look.
HARRY
One of everything? Lloyd...
Lloyd looks guilty.
LLOYD
Oh, sorry.
(beat)
Make that two of everything.
Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR
BILLS out of his pocket. He rips one off and tucks it in
Barnard's top pocket.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
And here you go, Barney. You keep us
happy, we'll keep you happy.
The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip.
BARNARD
Yes, sir!
He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the
briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE
OF PAPER.
76.
LLOYD
(proudly)
Our first IOU. Signed and dated.
CUT TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom
door. She's holding a tray with a couple of mugs on it.
HELEN
Mary? You awake?
MARY
(o.s.)
COME IN...
INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French
windows when Helen ENTERS.
HELEN
I brought you some tea. I thought it
might help you relax.
Mary smiles.
MARY
Thank you.
She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back.
MARY (CONT'D)
Yech! What's in this, whiskey?
HELEN
Uh, sorry... that one's mine.
Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Feeling any better, honey?
Mary can't take her eyes from the window.
MARY
Just knowing that Melvin's out there,
being held by God knows who...
(fighting back tears)
It's all my fault. I should've been
there.
77.
HELEN
Bullshit. You can't blame yourself
for this. If you'd been there they
would've taken you, too.
Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit.
MARY
Maybe we should just pay them the
money again and get this thing over
with.
HELEN
Now Mary, everything that can be
done is being done. You've got to
stop torturing yourself.
MARY
What am I supposed to do? Go about
my life as if everything were fine?
HELEN
That's exactly what you should do.
Get the hell out more, go skiing,
socialize. Don't you see, honey? We
can't let on that anything is wrong.
If the press or authorities get wind
of this, the kidnappers might panic.
(beat)
Who knows what they'd do to poor
Melvin then?
AS MARY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY
The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse.
Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to help them. Harry and Lloyd
get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur
boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors
everywhere. The Employees all grab the shopping bags and
then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely.
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT
The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies.
Lloyd is going through it all. Harry is sitting out on the
balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the
mountain view.
78.
HARRY
Oh god, it's really true. Last night
I thought I might've been dreaming.
LLOYD
It's no dream, Har. We finally cracked
the big time.
HARRY
And it was so simple. All it took
was somebody else's money.
Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty
puff, and
EXHALES.
HARRY (CONT'D)
You know, Lloyd, I think you might've
gone a little overboard with the
spending today.
He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony.
LLOYD
What's the big deal? We're gonna pay
it all back anyway, right?
HARRY
Sure, but do you really think you
needed to buy those two surfboards?
LLOYD
Surfboards? I thought those were
beginner's skis.
This suddenly makes sense to Harry.
HARRY
Ahhh. I was wondering why you had
those bindings put on them.
Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE.
LLOYD
Where'd this come from?
HARRY
(sheepishly)
I bought it.
LLOYD
What for?
79.
HARRY
I like the feel of it against my
skin...
(defensive)
...I mean, you know, when a woman's
wearing it.
Lloyd inspects it more closely.
LLOYD
Harry, how many women do you know
who wear a size XXL?
HARRY
Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now.
I'm supposed to have a few
eccentricities.
There's a KNOCK on the door.
LLOYD
Enter, parlez vous!
The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket
and a newspaper under his arm.
BARNARD
I brought you your newspaper and
some champagne, gentlemen.
Unfortunately, we didn't seem to
have the, um, label you requested.
Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns.
LLOYD
All out of Boone's Farm, huh?
BARNARD
You have a rapier wit, sir. I took
the liberty of bringing a comparable
substitute: Dom Perignon.
LLOYD
Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh?
Lloyd smiles and over tips him.
BARNARD
Thank you so much, sir.
He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads
for the door.
80.
LLOYD
Oh, one more thing: You can dispense
with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it,
Barney, we're all from the same mold.
(winks)
We just have a little more dough
than you right now.
Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He
picks up a champagne glass and flicks it with his finger,
sending out a resonant RING.
HARRY
Cocktail hour has commenced!
He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins
thumbing through the newspaper.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Hey, later on what do you say we...?
He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something
he's found in the paper.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Lloyd... you okay?
LLOYD
(dumbstruck)
Harry, it's her.
HARRY
Who?
LLOYD
Mary with the briefcase. This is
her...
He shoves the newspaper at Harry.
CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST
PRESERVATION GALA TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath
this is a photograph of Mary with her parents.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Mary Swanson...
HARRY
Come on, Cinderella, it's time to
get you ready for the ball...
Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a...
MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER:
81.
-The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed.
-Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The
ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from their heads, revealing both
guys' hair in curlers.
-Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor.
Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck
as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his
fingers. The other CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd
LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in
his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing.
-We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to
the floor to reveal a PILE OF
NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS.
-Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN
OVER to Lloyd's bare feet he has toe nails like Howard
Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety
goggles tries to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric
sander.
-Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a
massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred
dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and
WHISPERS in her ear. She smiles.
-Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with
her shirt off, while Harry happily massages her back.
-The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out
of the dressing room in a very elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He
couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed,
but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in.
-Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman
looks on hopefully, but Lloyd again disapproves.
-This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE
TUXEDO, complete with TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks
sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up.
PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive
J.P. Shay is sitting in a parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND
LLOYD.
DISSOLVE TO:
82.
EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT
Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering
the building. Suddenly the hearse pulls up with Harry and
Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue
tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better it's pumpkin orange.
(THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse
stops, the boys hand the driver Barnard a couple hundred
dollars.
LLOYD
Thanks for the lift, Barney.
INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY
Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when
Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he stops them and gives them
the once over.
ANDRE
Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a
five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner.
Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd
takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels
off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre.
LLOYD
This should cover a couple plates.
HARRY
I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if
we want seconds?
Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou.
LLOYD
Put us down for four plates, my good
man.
They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate
J.P. Shay comes up beside him, an alarmed look on his face.
J.P. SHAY
(WHISPERING)
Jesus Christ, boss... it's them.
BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through
the affluent crowd.
LLOYD
I'm getting nervous, Harry.
83.
HARRY
relax, Lloyd. These people are just
like you and me.
LLOYD
What are you talking about? They're
educated, well-bred, charming, and
sophisticated.
HARRY
So what? We can be sophistica holy
shit, would you look at the fun bags
on that hose hound.
He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party.
Lloyd rolls his eyes.
LLOYD
Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm
already a wreck. What if Mary oesn't
like me?
HARRY
Look, let's just go saddle up to the
bar and down a couple bowls of
loudmouth soup. A little booze'll
bring back that old Lloyd Christmas
over-confidence.
The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they
make their way to the bar.
LLOYD
(to BARTENDER)
Two martinis, straight up.
As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL
RED HEAD reaches between them for a cocktail napkin, then
walks away.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Shut up, Harry.
HARRY
I didn't say anything.
LLOYD
Yeah, well I know what you were gonna
say and I'm telling you to shut up
in advance.
HARRY
How do you know what I was gonna
say?
84.
LLOYD
I read you like a book.
HARRY
Okay, if you read me like a book
then what was I gonna say?
LLOYD
You were gonna say:
(in Harry's looped
VOICE)
'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't
mind roasting my weenie in.'
Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
And I would say 'shut up', because
this is our chance to get in with
the rich and powerful and you don't
ingratiate yourself to the kind of
people by acting like Ron Jeremy on
Spanish Fly.
The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s.
CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to
see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a
LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On his other side are Karl and
Elizabeth Swanson.
ANDRE
If I could have your attention,
please...
The crowd QUIETS.
ANDRE (CONT'D)
I'd like to thank you all for coming
to this very special event. As you
KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY -
founded and chiefly funded by our great benefactors, Karl
and Helen Swanson - is the world's foremost efender of
endangered species. Our
SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY-
three separate varieties of animals that are currently listed
on the United Nation's charter of protected species. Tonight,
we are deeply honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson welcome our
twenty-fourth.
85.
The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the
podium.
MR. SWANSON
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the
Icelandic Snow Owl.
He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE
OWLS IN A CAGE. Everyone OOHS and AHHS.
MR. SWANSON (CONT'D)
These magnificent specimens were
RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE-
year, two-million-dollar effort on our part. Together, they
constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on
the planet.
ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks
pale.
MR. SWANSON
Here these lovely birds will be
allowed to breed in a natural but
protected habitat. And, God willing,
with your help and that of the
Society's, we will see these wonderful
creatures flourish once more.
More APPLAUSE.
MR. SWANSON (CONT'D)
Again, thank you, and enjoy your
evening. Oh, and feel free to take a
closer look at our new friends here.
Enjoy.
The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns
back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass.
LLOYD
Two more, please.
Harry stares at Lloyd with concern.
HARRY
Lloyd, I've never seen you this
uptight. You've gotta chill out.
LLOYD
I can't help it. This is a very
important night for me.
(MORE)
86.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(beat)
Harry, have you ever wondered why
you and I never have long-term
girlfriends?
HARRY
What are you talking about? I went
out with Fraida Felcher for two and
a half weeks.
LLOYD
That was a fluke.
(beat)
The reason we never have long-term
girlfriends is because of one thing:
We're afraid of the C word.
HARRY
That's crazy. We live for the C word.
LLOYD
I'm talking bout commitment.
HARRY
(beat)
Oh.
LLOYD
Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry.
The first time I laid eyes on Mary
Swanson, I knew she was the one.
(beat)
Some things you feel in your heart,
other things you feel in your groin.
This girl makes me feel it all in
the heart.
Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room.
HIS POV - A BEGUILING MARY SWANSON IS TALKING WITH A COUPLE
OF GUESTS. SHE'S WEARING A
spectacular black cocktail dress.
Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Oh shit, there she is.
87.
HARRY
(checking her out)
Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd.
She's an angel.
(beat)
Well, what are you waiting for? Get
over there and talk to her.
LLOYD
She's gonna think I'm some kind of
psycho when she realizes how far I
came just to see her.
HARRY
You have her briefcase she's gonna
be thrilled to see you.
LLOYD
And then what? She'll take it back
and that'll be it. I'm a nobody.
Harry thinks about this a moment.
HARRY
Look, man, you just drove two thousand
miles to see this girl. Don't quit
on the last fifty feet.
LLOYD
(brightening)
Wait a second, I have an idea. You
go over and introduce yourself. That
way you can build me up so when I
come along I won't have to brag about
myself. Tell her I'm good-looking
and I'm rich and I have a rapist's
wit.
HARRY
I can't tell her you're good looking,
Lloyd she's got eyes.
Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini.
LLOYD
Please Harry, I'm appealing to you
as one loser to another. Just build
me up and then give me a signal to
come over. Please.
Harry SIGHS.
88.
HARRY
All right. But you're gonna owe me a
big one for this.
Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES
Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Nice set of hooters you got there.
Mary turns to Harry, stunned.
MARY
I beg your pardon?
HARRY
The owls. They're beautiful.
MARY
Oh. Yeah.
(beat)
Are you a bird lover?
HARRY
Well, I used to have a parakeet, but
my main area of expertise is canines
that's dogs to the layperson.
She smiles at this.
MARY
Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how
are you involved with them?
HARRY
Oh, I've trained them, bathed them,
clipped them; I've even bred them.
MARY
Really? Any unusual breeding?
HARRY
Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But
one time we successfully mated a
Bulldog and a Shitzu.
MARY
Really? That's weird.
HARRY
Yeah. We called it a Bullshit.
(breaks out LAUGHING)
Just a little breeder joke.
89.
She seems strangely charmed by this.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Anyway, the real reason I came over
is because I want to introduce you
to a friend of mine.
Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a
martini and looking a little sloshed.
HELEN
Mary, I don't believe I've met your
friend.
MARY
Actually, we haven't been introduced
yet.
(holds out hand)
I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my
stepmother, Helen.
HARRY
Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you
both.
HELEN
I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne.
I was hoping we'd get a chance to
meet.
HARRY
(taken aback)
You were?
HELEN
That tuxedo I love a man with a
sense of humor. So does Mary.
Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry.
HARRY
Really?
For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages
to snap out of it.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Anyway, about my friend you doing
anything tomorrow, Mr. Dunne? Because
I believe Mary's looking for somebody
to hit the slopes with. Whuh?
MARY
Helen, you're embarrassing me.
90.
HELEN
Well you are, aren't you?
(to Harry)
Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So
what do you say, Harry? Are you
available?
Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a
hopeful Lloyd.
HARRY
Oh, I don't know. You see, my friend
your friends for one day. You and
Mary will have a ball.
Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Um... well... I don't know. You see, the
thing is... sure.
ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns.
LLOYD
How come you didn't call me over?
HARRY
Relax, you're golden. I got you a
ate with her tomorrow.
Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's
SPEECHLESS.
LLOYD
Wha... you... I... it's...
(smiles)
I love you, man. I love you!
Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE.
HARRY
Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're making
a scene.
Lloyd steps back elated.
LLOYD
This calls for a toast!
He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to
open it.
91.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
You're gonna be my best man, Har, I
mean it. It was always between you
and my future wife's brother, but
you just earned a seat at the head
table, pal.
Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND
ZIPS ACROSS
THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN
WIDER-
EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!,
and a THUMP!
A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their
stunned attention to the cage.
THEIR POV - FEATHERS ARE FLOATING IN THE AIR THROUGHOUT THE
CAGE, AND ONE OF THE ICELANDIC SNOW
Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to
extinction.
Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking
champagne bottle from Lloyd and places it on the bar.
HARRY
(under breath)
I think we've done enough hobnobbing,
Lloyd.
The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before
anyone can figure out what happened anyone except for
Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been
standing nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't
look very happy.
CUT TO:
INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand
while J.P. Shay looks on nervously.
J.P. SHAY
Maybe it was just a coincidence.
ANDRE
Don't be stupid. It's a message,
plain and simple: We killed their
bird, now they killed ours.
92.
J.P. SHAY
But how could anybody off a bird
with a cork?
ANDRE
These guys arent' just anybody.
They're good. Look what they did to
Mental. He was the best, and yet he
fell right into their web.
J.P. SHAY
But the bastards already got our
money. What the hell more could they
want?
Andre runs his fingers through his hair.
ANDRE
(at wit's end)
I don't know, god damn it!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING
A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the
b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes including a
pair of thermal tights.
LLOYD
Mrs. Christmas... Mary Christmas... Mrs.
Mary Christmas. You
know, it has kind of a ring to it, oesn't it, Har?
HARRY
Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you
think you may be jumping the gun a
little? I mean, who knows, when you
get to know her, you may find out
she's not your type.
LLOYD
Impossible. I know my type when I
see it. Now let me get this straight,
she wants me to meet her at the
Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main
Street?
HARRY
That's what she said. Ten o'clock
sharp.
This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up.
93.
LLOYD
Time out. Where are going ressed
like that.
HARRY
I, uh, thought while you were making
your love connection I'd try my luck
on the slopes.
LLOYD
You mean you're gonna go out in public
dressed in tights?
HARRY
These aren't tights. They're
fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.
LLOYD
But you can see the outline of your
who-who.
Harry looks down at his crotch.
HARRY
Really?
LLOYD
Turn sideways.
Harry turns his profile against the window.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Actually, it's just a tiny little
lump. No one will ever notice.
HARRY
You're right. I can't go out dressed
like this.
CUT TO:
EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building.
INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE
People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined
up on the wall behind them. Mary is waiting by the fireplace
in an incredibly sexy snowsuit.
94.
Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As
he begins to clumsily make his way through the lodge toward
Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over
a row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he
reaches her, OUT OF BREATH.
HARRY
Sorry I'm late. It's a bitch driving
a clutch with these things.
EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY
Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple
ahead of them get on a chair, and then they shuffle into
position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair.
The chair swings around, comes up behind them, and makes a
smooth pick up of Mary, that is. An embarrassed Harry is
STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride.
Mary looks back at him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be
stretching.
HARRY
(CALLING OUT)
You take the first run alone. I'm
gonna loosen up down here.
CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY
Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the
day.
WAITER
I'm sorry, we don't open until eleven.
This is disconcerting news to Lloyd.
LLOYD
I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait
at the bar?
The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY
Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it
rises higher and higher toward the imposing mountain top.
Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously.
MARY
Beautiful day, huh, Harry?
95.
HARRY
Glorious.
Mary takes a DEEP BREATH.
MARY
God, it feels so good to get up here.
I haven't been outdoors much in the
last couple of weeks.
HARRY
Why not?
MARY
(evasive)
There's been... family problems. I
on't want to bore you with them.
HARRY
Thanks.
He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices
a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift bar.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Oh, look... frost.
He licks it and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN
METAL. He tugs a few times, but it won't budge.
MARY
Are you okay?
HARRY
(lisping)
Sure. I do this all the time...
CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY
As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary
disembarks but Harry stays on.
HARRY
(lisping)
See ya at the bottom...
Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down
the hill.
CUT TO:
96.
EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY
The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on
it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE KIDS climb on with him.
HARRY
(lisping)
Hi.
(off their looks)
Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to
have a cup of warm water, would you?
The two kids just stare at him.
CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON
A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him
now. The bar is open and there are a few CUSTOMERS sprinkled
about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the
clock on the wall. It's 12:30.
We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to
him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the Athletic Beauty that
Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Hi.
Lloyd GRUNTS a hello.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
Bad day, huh?
Lloyd GRUNTS once more.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
(big smile)
well don't worry, Mercury's supposed
to be coming out or retrograde
tonight. Things will get better.
AS LLOYD GRUNTS AGAIN, WE
CUT TO:
EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON
Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and
stops with a snow-spraying flourish. She looks around the
outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE-
TAKE.
97.
MARY'S POV - HARRY IS SITTING AT A TABLE, STILL ATTACHED TO
THE CHAIR LIFT (WHICH
has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of
coffee and trying to act nonchalant, espite the gawking of
the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g.
BACK TO SCENE
MARY
My god. Harry, are you okay?
HARRY
(lisping)
I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE
to reveal J.P. Shay a few hundred feet up the hill with a
high-powered rifle trained on Harry.
SHAY
You're luck just ran out, pal.
As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go
BACK TO SCENE
MARY
This is silly. Let me help you...
Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously.
She grabs his head in both hands and starts pulling it away
from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH RIDICULOUSLY...
FIVE INCHES... SIX... THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain. Suddenly,
his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards
out of the path of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We
hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain:
MIME
GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?!
The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously
into the lodge as the CROWD BOOS him.
CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON
Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty
RAMBLES ON beside him.
98.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
...Anyway, after my boyfriend backed
into my garage for the third time, I
said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for
your life before he kills you both'.
Then you know what the klutz does
and to be perfectly honest, I on't
really care.
(beat)
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very
good company today. I'll say.
(beat)
I have an idea. Why don't you tell
me a little about yourself.
LLOYD
Maybe some other time.
Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to
know a Mary Swanson, would you?
BARTENDER
Sure. Her family comes in here all
the time.
LLOYD
Do you know where she lives?
BARTENDER
Yeah, they got that big place up on
Alpine Drive.
CUT TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON
The hearse pulls up to the house and stops.
INT. HEARSE
MARY
I've got to tell you, today was really
just what I needed. Thanks a lot,
Harry.
HARRY
My pleasure, Mary.
She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek.
99.
MARY
So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?
HARRY
Better make it quarter to eight.
I've got a few things to take care
of first.
Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and
walks toward the house.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Mary Dunne... Mrs. Mary Dunne... Got a
nice ring to it.
We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a
SHATTERED LLOYD
WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF.
LLOYD
Some best man.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally
BUMMED OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING
Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns
surprise at what he's just heard.
HARRY
It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.
She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are
you sure you went to the right bar?
LLOYD
Believe me, it was the right place.
(SIGHS)
I don't know, Har, maybe she just
had second thoughts.
HARRY
I have a hard time believing that,
Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't
wait to see you again.
Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES
TO HIM.
100.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Wait a minute...
LLOYD
What?
HARRY
It just occurred to me. She must've
meant ten o'clock at night.
LLOYD
(brightening)
Do ya think...?
HARRY
Of course! Why would she have you
meet her at a bar at ten in the
morning?
LLOYD
(shrugging)
I just figured she was a raging
alcoholic.
Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity.
HARRY
Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties?
LLOYD
I knew there was an explanation. And
here I thought she was standing me
up.
HARRY
That'll teach you to jump to
conclusions.
(beat)
Anyway, since you have your night
all
planned, I think I'll run out and catch a flick.
As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his
fist and glares after him. Then he regains his composure and
moves to the bar.
LLOYD
Will you join me in a good luck toast
before you head out?
101.
HARRY
(o.s.)
Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think
will help your chances.
Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee
and throws a splash of Bailey's in each. He check to make
sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF
EX-LAX.
LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN.
WHEN HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET DRESSED IN A NEW SUIT AND
TIE, LLOYD DOES A DOUBLE-
take.
LLOYD
Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't
you?
HARRY
Uh... it's for mature audiences. I
on't wanna chance getting turned
away at the door.
LLOYD
I see.
Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his
own glass.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
To my friend Harry the matchmaker.
Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway.
HARRY
Mmmmm...
He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.
CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in
anticipation of the night. Suddenly we hear a LOW, INTESTINAL
RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach.
102.
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's
walking up the steps to the house when we hear more GASEOUS
THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets
his insides under control, and continues to the front porch,
where he RINGS the bell.
Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings.
MARY
Hi. Come on in.
INT. SWANSON CHALET
Harry follows her inside.
MARY
Make yourself at home. I'm almost
ready. Just give me one more minute.
As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET
STOMACH again. He notices a bathroom off the hallway and
rushes inside.
INT. BATHROOM
HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and
nestles onto the throne. He lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF as he
does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW
to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he
hears a KNOCK on the door.
MARY
(o.s.)
Are you in there, Harry?
HARRY
(nervously)
Be right out.
MARY
(o.s.)
I hope you're not using the toilet.
It's broken.
ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible
SWEAT breaks out on his forehead.
HARRY
Huh?
103.
MARY
(o.s.)
It doesn't flush.
HARRY
Um, no, I was just... shaving.
EXT. HALLWAY
A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door.
MARY
Shaving?
HARRY
(o.s.)
Yeah! I was running a little late.
Thought this would save time.
MARY
Okay. Well I'll be in the living
room whenever you're ready.
INT. BATHROOM
Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the
toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few valves.
HARRY
(under breath)
Come on, flush, you bastard...
EXT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
Mary's sitting patiently on the couch with her legs crossed.
She looks at her watch, then flips on the TV.
ON THE TUBE - the news is on. A WOMAN REPORTER is addressing
the CAMERA gravely:
REPORTER
We'll be back in a minute with the
story of the blind Indiana boy who
was duped into buying a dead parakeet.
We see Billy the blind boy from apartment 4-C sitting in
his wheelchair, holding up Petey the parakeet with its head
Scotch taped on its body.
BLIND BOY
...I thought he was real quiet...
104.
The Reporter shakes her head and they go to a commercial.
Mary SHIVERS at this and turns off the television. Suddenly
the DOORBELL RINGS. She gets up and opens the front door.
HER POV - a dapper Lloyd is standing there in his new Aspen-
chic clothes.
MARY
Yes...?
LLOYD
Hi.
(beat)
Don't you remember me?
MARY
Um... I'm not really...
LLOYD
South Bend. I drove you to the airport
last week.
MARY
(dawning on her)
Oh my god. Lloyd, right?
Lloyd is thrilled at this.
LLOYD
You remembered.
MARY
What are you doing in Aspen?
LLOYD
I brought you your briefcase You
left it at the airport so I picked
it up for you.
Mary's MOUTH DROPS OPEN.
MARY
You're the one who took my briefcase?
LLOYD
Yeah, it's back at my hotel room.
Come on, let's take a ride. I'll
give it to you.
Mary is torn between getting her briefcase and waiting for
Harry.
MARY
Wait right here.
105.
She goes to the bathroom door. Inside we hear the LOUD
CLANKING of metal against metal.
MARY (CONT'D)
Harry, what are you doing in there?
INT. BATHROOM
Harry's got the eintire toilet completely DISASSEMBLED now.
Various pieces of the commode litter the floor, including
the big plastic float ball. He's on his knees tinkering with
some pipes coming out of the wall.
HARRY
Uh... just cleaning my teeth. Give
me a minute, Mary, I'll be right
with you.
MARY
(o.s.)
Sorry, but something important's
come up and I have to run out. It's
sort of an emergency. I'll explain
later.
HARRY
But Mary --
MARY
(o.s.)
--I'm really sorry, Harry. I promise
we'll do this another time.
Harry hears her FOOTSTEPS echo down the hallway and then the
front DOOR CLOSING. Harry slumps against the sink, defeated.
HARRY
Great...
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S JAGUAR - NIGHT
Lloyd is in the passenger seat, wearing a subtle, SATISFIED
SMILE. An anxious looking Mary is at the wheel.
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT
The Jaguar pulls up in front of the hotel. As Lloyd and Mary
get out, we PAN OVER to reveal that they were being followed
by Nicholas Andre and J.P. Shay in a Mercedes.
106.
INT. ANDRE'S MERCEDES
Andre pulls a PISTOL from beneath his seat and slips it into
his coat.
ANDRE
They're mine...
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
The door opens and Lloyd and Mary ENTER.
LLOYD
..So anyway, as soon as I got to
town I tried to look you up but I
idn't know your last name.
He leads her to the closed BRIEFCASE which is sitting on the
bed.
MARY
I don't believe it. You really have
it.
LLOYD
'Course I have it. When Lloyd
Christmas drives a woman to the
airport, he makes sure she gets all
her luggage, no matter what he has
to
o.
Mary looks at Lloyd and smiles.
MARY
This is incredible. You mean to say
you drove two thousand miles just
for me?
LLOYD
Well... no... I mean, you know, there
were other reasons...
(beat)
Actually, yeah, I guess I did.
She can't believe her ears.
MARY
That is the sweetest thing I've ever
heard.
107.
He drops his head and Mary leans over and kisses him on the
cheek.
CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
A sullen Harry is driving back to the hotel.
HARRY
(MUMBLING to himself)
It's all Kharma, Harry. You screw
your best friend over and it's gonna
come back to haunt you, plain and
simple...
CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
CLOSE ON LLOYD'S FACE - he's starry-eyed in love as he spills
his guts.
LLOYD
Look, Mary, I know this may seem a
little sudden but I've given it a
lot of thought: You're the woman
I've been waiting for my whole life,
and I'm not ashamed to admit it --
(holds up his hand)
--Please, let me finish.
(DEEP BREATH)
I'm crazy about you. I've never felt
this way about anyone. You make it
so easy for me to tell you my
innermost desires.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy
again.
(beat)
A schoolboy who desperately wants to
make sweet, sweet love to you.
Suddenly we hear TOILET FLUSHING O.S.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS that Lloyd has been talking to an EMPTY
CHAIR. The bathroom oor opens and Mary comes out. She looks
around, expecting to see someone else.
MARY
Oh... I thought I heard you talking
to someone.
108.
Lloyd is flustered. He swallows hard. It's the moment of
truth.
LLOYD
Mary...
(BLURTING OUT)
I desperately want to make love to a
schoolboy.
MARY
(taken aback)
Maybe I should be going now.
LLOYD
No, that's not what Imeant. I meant...
I really like you, Mary. I like you
a lot.
She smiles at this.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
I'm gonna ask you something flat out
and I want you to answer me honestly:
What do you think the chances are of
a girl like you and a guy like me
ending up together?
Mary is obviously thrown by this question.
MARY
Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I
mean we hardly --
LLOYD
--I asked you to be honest, Mary.
MARY
But Lloyd, I really can't --
LLOYD
--Come on, give it to me straight. I
rove a long way to see you, the least
you can do is level with me. What
are my chances?
MARY
Not good.
BEAT
LLOYD
You mean not good, like one out of a
hundred?
109.
MARY
I'd say more like one out of a
million.
BEAT
LLOYD
(Duh)
So you're telling me there's a chance?
Just then, there's a KNOCK at the door. When Lloyd opens it,
he's face to face with Nicholas Andre.
MARY
Nicholas... what are you doing here?
ANDRE
I've been looking for you, Mary.
I've got some interesting news about your husband.
Lloyd looks at MAry, devastated.
LLOYD
Husband?
ANDRE
Aren't you two going to invite me
in?
Lloyd and Mary hear a CLICK and turn to see Andre POINTING A
GUN at them. Andre steps into the room, and we
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL DANBURY - LOBBY - NIGHT
As Harry mopes through the lobby, we hear someone CALL OUT:
WOMAN'S VOICE
(o.s.)
Hey!
Harry turns to see the Athletic Beauty approaching.
HARRY
You...? What are you doing here?
CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
Nicholas Andre has his gun pointed at a stunned Lloyd and
Mary.
110.
ANDRE
Well at least you two got to say
your goodbyes.
LLOYD
Who are you?
ANDRE
Don't play dumb with me, asshole.
I'm the rightful ower of that
briefcase you've been carrying.
LLOYD
Uh-oh.
Mary can't believe what's happening.
MARY
Nicholas, you... you motherfucker!
My family trusted you!
ANDRE
Shut up!
LLOYD
Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want
you to know, my friend Harry and I
have every intention of reimbursing
you.
Andre looks alarmed. He motions Mary to the briefcase with
his gun.
ANDRE
Open that damn thing!
Mary opens the briefcase and a pile of WHITE, CRUMPLED-UP
BALLS OF PAPER fall out along with a few packets of hundreds.
ANDRE (CONT'D)
What the hell's this? Where's all
the money?
LLOYD
That's as good as money, sir. Those
are our IOUs. You can add them up
yourself. Every penny's accounted
for.
Andre looks like his head is about to BURST in anger.
ANDRE
You're fucking dead!
111.
LLOYD
Now don't do anything hasty, man.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Harry gets out of the elevator and lets himself into the
Presidential Suite.
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
Harry ENTERS looking contrite and CALLS OUT:
HARRY
Lloyd, are you home? We've gotta
talk, man. I have a serious confession
to make.
Harry comes around the corner and STOPS COLD.
HIS POV - Lloyd and Mary are lying on the bed, their arms
handcuffed to the bedpost.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Oh good, you found her. I'll just
leave you two kids alone.
Harry turns to go, but bumps into the MUZZLE OF ANDRE'S GUN.
ANDRE
Why don't you stay and join the party?
CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Harry is sitting beside Lloyd and Mary on the bed. Nicholas
Andre keeps his gun trained on them while he SPEAKS on the
phone:
ANDRE
..I want a one-way ticket to Rio De
Janerio departing as soon as
possible...
ON THE BED - Harry and Lloyd can't look each other in the
eye.
MARY
You mean you two know each other?
112.
LLOYD
(cutting)
Yeah, we used to be best friends.
HARRY
Until he turned into a backstabber.
LLOYD
Me a backstabber? You got a lot of
nerve. I saw her first.
HARRY
Hey, I couldn't help it if she found
me irresistable.
Mary ROLLS HER EYES at this.
LLOYD
But you knew how crazy I was about
her.
HARRY
Yeah, and you knew how crazy I was
about Fraida Felcher, but that didn't
stop you, did it?
LLOYD
(waning righteousness)
What are you talking about?
HARRY
Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me
the whole sordid story.
Lloyd can't muster a defense.
LLOYD
Look... I was gonna tell you about
that. It was gonna be mentioned at
the reading of my will. I swear, you
can ask my lawyer.
Harry glares at him.
HARRY
Well I guess we both learned a little
something about each other, didn't
we?
LLOYD
You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as
good friends as we thought we were.
113.
HARRY
Guess not.
LLOYD
I mean, if one beautiful girl could
rip us apart like this, then it seems
our friendship isn't worth a damn.
(beat)
Maybe we should call it quits right
here.
HARRY
Just tell me where to sign, bud.
Suddenly they hear the metallic CLICK-CLACK OF A GUN BEING
COCKED.
ANDRE
Okay, which one of you losers wants
to die first?
The guys exchange a look and SWALLOW HARD.
HARRY
I wouldn't pull that trigger if I
were you.
ANDRE
Why not? It'll look like just another
Aspen love triangle. You caught the
two of them in bed, handcuffed them
to the post, murdered them, and killed
yourself.
HARRY
(smug)
Except you're forgetting one minor
etail.
ANDRE
What's that?
Lloyd and Mary look at Harry, hopeful.
HARRY
If you kill us, you'd be killing
yourself.
ANDRE
(puzzled)
Huh?
114.
HARRY
You see, philosophers believe that
we're all really just tiny pieces of
one huge universal being. In other
words, I am you and you are me, so
if you were to kill us you'd be
committing suicide, you unenlightened
idiot --
ANDRE
--Shut up!
Mary sees that they're in deep shit now.
MARY
What about my husband? Did you kill
him, too?
HARRY
Husband? What husband?
LLOYD
Mary's married, Harry.
ANDRE
No need to worry about Melvin.
(beat)
Now this is the last time I'll ask:
Who wants to die first?
Harry gestures with his head at Mary.
HARRY
Kill her. The bitch should've told
him she was married back at the
airport. It would've saved us a lot
of trouble.
Andre points the gun at Mary.
LLOYD
No, I'll go first, Harry. I was the
one who got you into this mess.
Andre points the gun at Lloyd.
HARRY
No, wait, do me first. I'm the one
who stole your girl, Lloyd. I eserve
it.
115.
Andre SIGHS and points the gun at Harry. Then, as Mary and
Lloyd look on in horror, he FIRES TWICE. Harry grabs his
stomach and falls off the bed to the floor.
LLOYD
Jesus Christ! You killed my best
friend, you bastard!
Andre smiles.
ANDRE
If it's any consolation, you're about
to be reunited.
He aims the gun at Lloyd, COCKS THE TRIGGER. Suddenly, a
SHOT RINGS OUT and the gun is blown out of Andre's hand.
ON THE FLOOR - Harry is very much alive and pointing a pistol
at the stunned Nicholas Andre.
LLOYD
Harry! You're alive!
Just them, the door BURSTS OPEN and SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS
storm in with their weapons drawn.
COP #1
Get your hands up, asshole!
Lloyd and Harry throw their hands into the air. A stunned
Andre turns to see six guns pointing at his head. He
reluctantly raises his hands. Mary and Lloyd are flabbergasted
by the turn of events.
There's a sudden commotion in the room. Pushing her way
through the mass of cops comes the Athletic Beauty. She
flashes an ID.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Special Officer Kathryn Frick. Federal
Bureau of Investigation.
LLOYD
(dumbstruck)
You gotta be kidding.
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Good work, Harry.
Lloyd looks to his friend, confused. Harry opens his shirt,
revealing a BULLET-PROOF VEST.
116.
HARRY
She grabbed me down in the lobby and
explained what was up. They slapped
this on me and gave me a gun.
LLOYD
(to Athletic Beauty)
But how did you...?
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
We've been following you two all the
way from Providence. Mr. and Mrs.
Swanson had a homing device plated
in the briefcase.
The guys glance guiltily at one another.
HARRY
Yeah, about that dough...
ATHLETIC BEAUTY
Every bill was counterfeit and marked.
Harry and Lloyd EXHALE A SIGH OF RELIEF.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT
There's a swarm of ONLOOKERS as Andre and J.P. Shay are
hustled into a police car and driven away. While Mary TALKS
to the police, Harry and Lloyd stare at her lovingly.
LLOYD
She's something, ain't she, Har?
HARRY
You were right, Lloyd. She was
efinitely worth the trip.
LLOYD
Guess we have to admit it, she was
too good for us.
Just then, a cruiser pulls up and Mary's husband jumps out.
MELVIN
Oh god, baby, I missed you!
Harry and Lloyd stare in wonder as MEL GIBSON climbs out of
the car. Mary and Mel embrace, then Mel turns to the guys.
117.
MELVIN (CONT'D)
I can't thank you enough, fellas. It
was so darn dank in that well, I
really thought it would be the death
of me.
Harry and Lloyd are too stunned to respond. They look at
each other, and we
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LOBBY - HOTEL DANBURY - THE NEXT DAY
Lloyd and Harry come out of the elevator with their meager
luggage, but this time nobody rushes to their aid.
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY
The guys EXIT the hotel and approach the Bell Captain,
Barnard.
HARRY
Hey, Barney...
BELL CAPTAIN
Yes, gentlemen?
LLOYD
Look, we just wanted to say that we
appreciate all you did for us during
our stay.
HARRY
And we're, um, sorry about the money
we gave you turning out to be phony.
BELL CAPTAIN
Don't worry about it, gentlemen. The
Swanson family has promised to
reimburse everyone.
This seems to please Lloyd and Harry. The hearse is delivered
to the front door.
LLOYD
Well, anyway, thanks again for
everything.
They turn to go, but Barnard CALLS TO THEM:
BARNARD
Where are you two headed?
118.
HARRY
I dunno. I'm sure we'll find a trailer
camp somewhere to call home.
BARNARD
Why not right here?
Harry and Lloyd look at each other, confused.
LLOYD
This joint is a little out of our
budget, Barney.
BARNARD
(smiling)
Oh, I think we might be able to find
you a free room somewhere -- after
all, like you once told me, we're
all from the same mold.
(winks)
You just don't have any dough right
now.
The guys are STUNNED by Barnard's generous offer.
HARRY
Are you on the level?
BARNARD
Absolutely. We'll just slide you
into one of the employee rooms...
The guys beam at this.
BARNARD (CONT'D)
...Provided, of course, you don't
mind working one or two afternoons a
week.
Harry and Lloyd lock eyes. Then:
LLOYD
You know what, Barney, I think we'll
take out chances down the road.
Barnard shakes his head as the two fools climb into their
hearse and drive off.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
As the hearse drives down the road, we hear V.O.:
119.
HARRY
(v.o.)
Since we're finished elbow-rubbing,
what next, lloyd?
LLOYD
(v.o.)
I say we head due south and try a
little nose-rubbing with some of
them slinky eskimo babes.
HARRY
(v.o.)
Now you're talking my language. You
know I got a weakness for blondes.
As they head toward their next adventure, the CAMERA PULLS
UP, UP, UP...
END CREDITS
THE END
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