"FATAL INSTINCT"
Screenplay by
David O'Malley
SHOOTING DRAFT
FADE IN ON:
EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - NIGHT
The sultry dampness of a blistering summer hangs in the night
air. People stroll the boardwalk looking for a cool breeze.
The soft rhythms of a jazz concert float from the band shell.
CLOSE SHOT - A PAIR OF SEXY HIGH HEELS
and a woman's shapely legs, walking along the wooden pier.
OPENING TITLES & CREDITS OVER.
After several steps, a discarded piece of gum sticks to one
of her shoes, stretching out stickily. Two steps later, a
piece of paper sticks to the gum, flopping awkwardly with
each step.
The MOVING CAMERA PANS UP her gorgeous legs and sensuous
body. She wears a loose summer dress that floats like gossamer
around her soft curves. Her hair is long and blond.
NED (V.O.)
To some guys, women are like a cheap
puzzle... with pieces that just don't
fit. They think the soul of a woman
is darker than a back alley... more
tangled than a telephone cord... and
colder than a Klondike Bar in Canada.
But those guys don't even have a
clue.
She stops at the railing. We see an incredibly beautiful
face and cool, alluring eyes. This is LOLA CAIN. The term
"femme fatale" was coined for her. She's on display... and
knows it.
NED (V.O.)
When you know women the way I do,
you understand exactly what what
makes them tick... what makes them
hum... what makes them jiggle up and
down when they walk. And it's not
the kind of thing you can learn from
a correspondence course.
The CAMERA MOVES with her as she walks on, passing TWO MEN
whose eyes are glued to her. We HOLD ON THEM.
One is NED RAVINE, in his thirties, stalwart, handsome, hair
trimmed neatly, but with a feel of loose ends about him...
coat slung over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up, the sweat
dampening his shirt. He's a cop. A plain clothes detective
who's been around the block a few times and still gets lost.
Next to him is ARCH, his partner. Older, if not in years, at
least in mileage. Dependable, solid, with no great aspirations
except to reach the end of a shift intact. He's eating Nachos
from a cardboard container, licking the cheese off his
fingers.
The CAMERA PUSHES IN to NED. His eyes are fixed on Lola.
ANGLE - LOLA - NED'S POV
She walks to the other side of the pier... as more paper
sticks to the gum on her shoe. She stands at the railing.
NED (V.O.)
There are two kinds of women in this
world... and I've known 'em both.
ANGLE - ARCH
Arch heaves an exasperated sigh and looks toward Ned. The
CAMERA PULLS BACK to INCLUDE NED. It isn't "voice-over"
narration at all. Ned is actually talking out loud.
NED (V.O.)
One will take you for a fast ride on
a bumpy road with no seat belt. But
the other kind...
ARCH
(interrupts)
Jeez... knock off the chatter, will
ya.
NED
Just trying to keep you awake, Arch.
ARCH
I'm awake! Where do you come up with
all that crap about women?
NED
It's true. Women are very complex,
but if you know how to read 'em...
they're an open book. You can always
tell the rotten apples from the
peaches.
ARCH
Are you kiddin'?
NED
I'd stake my career on it. Anybody
ever proves me wrong, I'll throw
away my badge.
ARCH
Aayyhh... women are trouble...
NED
I used to believe that too. Until I
married Lana. Now, she... is a peach.
ARCH
Yeah, well you're a lucky stiff,
pal. Ya hold down two jobs. Got a
beautiful wife waitin' for ya at
home. Everything a guy could ever
want, including NO kids.
NED
I'd love to have kids.
ARCH
What?! Rug-rats? Give me a break!
(looks around)
Jeez, I hate stakeouts. What makes
you think Milo's gonna show up here?
NED
Logic. He knocked off all those banks.
He's got cash. He's gonna want to
spend it. This is one of the few
places that still takes cash. Sooner
or later... he's gotta turn up.
ARCH
And how we s'posed to recognize this
scumbag?
NED
The "Support Hose Bandit"? When you
see him... you'll know him.
In the b.g., MILO CRUMLEY, the "Support Hose Bandit", ambles
by casually, unnoticed, sucking on a cherry Snow-Cone through
the panty-hose pulled down over his head.
ARCH
These are the best damn Nachos in
North America. Maybe the world!
He pops the last chip in his mouth, licks his fingers and
turns the container over.
ARCH
I'm empty. I'm gonna get a refill.
You want some?
Ned shakes his head. Arch heads off to the Nacho stand. Ned
steps over to the railing... gazes out at the ocean.
A SAXOPHONE begins to wail a scorching, romantic melody... a
recurrent tune that will come to be known as LOLA'S THEME.
A beat later... Lola moves to Ned's side at the railing. He
tries to ignore her presence, peering into the darkness.
Lola digs in her purse for a pack of cigarettes.
LOLA
Got a light?
NED
Sure.
Ned pulls out a small flashlight, shines it in her purse.
She pulls a cigarette out of the pack, puts it to her lips...
her eyes on Ned, sizing him up.
LOLA
How about a match?
NED
No thanks. I have plenty.
He pulls out a handful of matchbooks, shows her, then stuffs
them back in his pocket.
He turns and walks along the pier. She falls into step beside
him, lighting her own cigarette. A saxophone player named
DIZZY follows behind them, continuing to play. He's the actual
source of the romantic THEME MUSIC we've been hearing.
LOLA
You really are incredibly stupid,
aren't you? I like that in a man.
NED
I'd be insulted, but I know you're
serious.
LOLA
You sound so sure of yourself.
NED
I'm not as dumb as I look.
LOLA
Let me buy you a drink, Mr. uh...
NED
Ravine. Ned Ravine. And you are...?
LOLA
Thirsty. What about that drink?
NED
I'm on duty.
LOLA
Brain surgeon?
NED
Cop.
LOLA
Oooo... and I bet you have a big
gun.
NED
You lose.
Lola looks toward a nearby hot dog vendor.
LOLA
If I can't buy you a drink...
(nods toward vendor)
...let me buy you one of those.
NED
Who can say no to a weiner?
LOLA
Not me.
Lola turns to the hot dog VENDOR, raising two fingers.
LOLA
Two dogs. Hot.
She takes them... hands one to Ned. He picks up the plastic
mustard container to put mustard on her hot dog first.
NED
You come here often?
LOLA
Only when I'm in heat.
Ned REACTS to this, squeezing the container. A stream of
mustard squirts out, hitting the front of Lola's dress.
NED
Oh! Sorry.
Flustered, he stuffs his hot dog into his inside jacket
pocket, then tries to wipe the mustard off Lola's dress,
smearing it all over her, making it worse. She watches him
with a cool, detached gaze as he fumbles ingenuously.
Suddenly, Ned stops, looking off. He sees... Milo Crumley
going into the PUBLIC RESTROOM. Ned starts to leave. Lola
grabs his hand, holding it tightly against her breast.
LOLA
Where ya going?
NED
Get something to wipe it off.
LOLA
That's okay. You're doing just fine.
NED
I'll get you a wet paper towel.
He heads for the men's room... signaling to Arch, who's
waiting in line at the Nacho stand. Arch motions at the long
line... all UNIFORMED COPS... shrugging helplessly.
INT. MEN'S ROOM ON PIER - NIGHT
Several MEN are at the urinals. Milo, still wearing the panty
hose over his head, washes his face at the sink. He looks
up, sees Ned enter. Ned sees Milo... reacts, pulling the
frankfurter out of his pocket and pointing it.
NED
Hold it right there, Milo!
The Men turn, seeing Ned pointing the frankfurter.
RESTROOM PATRON
Look out! He's got a weenie!
Milo bolts, slamming into Ned, knocking him back through the
door of a stall, into the lap of the MAN inside.
EXT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Milo bursts out, colliding with Arch. They both go down in a
flurry of Nacho chips and cheese. Arch helps Milo to his
feet, apologizing profusely... picking up the gun that Milo
dropped, handing it back to him. Milo sprints off down the
pier.
A beat later, Ned bursts out the door... dashing after Milo.
ANGLE - ALONG THE PIER
Milo runs frantically, knocking people aside! He ducks into...
INT. BUMPER CAR PAVILION - NIGHT
...and drags a FLUSTERED MAN out of a bumper car, jumps in,
and speeds away!
A beat later, Ned runs up, followed by Arch. Ned flashes his
badge at a FRECKLE-FACED KID in one of the bumper cars.
NED
Police emergency! I need your car!
He pulls the kid out, jumps in, slaps a portable FLASHING
RED LIGHT on the dashboard... then speeds off after Milo, a
SIREN WAILING! He zig-zags through the crush of other bumper
cars in the pavilion.
Ned's bumper car catches up with Milo, pulling alongside.
Milo turns the wheel, RAMMING Ned! Ned RAMS him back, both
bumper cars swerving violently... spraying SPARKS!
Ned SLAMS Milo's car again! Milo loses control, spins out
and SMASHES into the pavillion railing!
Ned swerves to avoid a collision, but RAMS into two other
bumper cars, wrenching to a grinding halt. A BEAT. The AIRBAG
inflates in his bumper car.
Arch runs up as Ned pulls himself from the wreckage. They
turn to see Milo leap from his mangled bumper car, leap over
the pavillion railing and dash down the pier and into an
alley between two buildings. A sign on the building says:
DEAD END ALLEY.
Ned and Arch eye each other, shake their heads, and follow
after Milo.
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
IN THE ALLEY
Milo runs into a tall chain link fence at the end of the
alley and scrambles up the wire mesh. Suddenly, Ned's hand
shoots out, grabs Milo's ankle, yanking him down hard.
Milo jumps to his feet, swinging at Ned, who catches Milo's
fist with his hand, stopping it cold... neatly snapping a
handcuff on his wrist. He shoves Milo's arm against the fence
and snaps the other cuff to the chainlink.
A SWITCHBLADE flashes out of Milo's other hand with a sharp
CLICK! Milo slashes the blade at Ned, just missing his face.
On the backswing, Ned parries with his own switchblade and
flips Milo's knife away.
Milo pulls a .45 Calibre REVOLVER with his free hand! Ned
shoves his finger into the end of the barrel. Milo looks
surprised... then sneers, clicking the hammer back.
NED
You take science in high school,
Milo?
MILO
I skipped high school, cop!
NED
Then you're probably not familiar
with the theory of inverse
proportionate explosive dynamics.
MILO
What about it?
NED
If you fire a weapon with the barrel
obstructed, the explosive force
multiplies by twenty-three point
five nine eight and reverses on itself
with diametric polarity?
MILO
Yeah. So?
NED
The gun will blow up in your hand...
and it won't even scorch my pinkie.
MILO
Ha! That's just theoretical
hypothesis. Inverse proportionate
explosive dynamics has never been
demonstrated conclusively in a
laboratory environment.
NED
Oh yeah. Then pull the trigger, smart
guy. Let's find out.
Milo hesitates, unsure. Finally, he releases the gun. Ned
raises it up on the end of his finger. Arch pulls it off
with a loud POP!
Ned cuffs Milo's hands behind him... spins him around.
NED
You have the right to remain silent...
next... if you waive that right,
anything you say... next...
REVEAL ARCH
holding up a series of "cue cards"... as Ned reads from them.
NED
...may be used against you in a court
of law... next... You have the right
to an attorney... Do you have an
attorney?
MILO
Nahhhh!
NED
Then today's your lucky day...
He flips out a business card, handing it to Milo.
ANGLE - THE BUSINESS CARD
It reads... "Ned Ravine - Defense Attorney"
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DAWN
Large. Expensive. Impressive. The name on the mailbox reads
"Ned and Lana Ravine."
We begin to HEAR the O.S. SOUND of passionate lovemaking!
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOUSE - DAWN
The CAMERA MOVES up the stairs, into the bedroom. Still O.S.,
we hear more heavy breathing... urgent whispers... lust...
passion... squeaky bedsprings!
A trail of clothes is scattered before us on the way to the
bed... shoes, a dress, slip, bra, nylons, panties... greasy
coveralls with a "Frank Kelbo - Mobile Mechanic" namepatch,
dirty work boots, a wrench and a gigantic grease gun...
The bed shakes violently. A female VOICE calls the shots as
various tools drop to the floor.
LANA (O.S.)
Oh yes, Frank! Adjust the stroke by
ten percent! That's it.
(CLUNK! A wrench)
Now tweak my points. Oh yes, oh yes!
(THUNK! Pliers)
You got it! Stabilize your ball joints
and grind my rear differential!
(CLINK! Screwdriver)
Now accelerate! Floor it! Lay rubber,
baby! VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!
A beat. The LIGHT clicks ON. LANA; a sexy redhead with a
cool, manipulative edge, and FRANK; a slick, smarmy Lothario,
lay under the sheets, panting, glistening with sweat.
Lana reaches for a pack of "Fatal 100's" on the bedside table.
LANA
Not bad for an auto mechanic...
FRANK
(grins, cocky)
Yeah, well you're not so bad
yourself... for a lawyer's wife...
LANA
Better watch your tongue, sweetie,
or I'll have my husband arrest you.
FRANK
Busy man. Cop and a lawyer. When
does he ever find time for you?
She lights a cigarette... exhales a soft, gloomy cloud.
LANA
He doesn't. That's why I need you to
keep my engine tuned, Frank. Why
drive a jalopy when you can have a
hot rod?
FRANK
Maybe you should trade him in on a
new model.
LANA
I would... if I could make any money
on the deal.
FRANK
(reaches for her)
Want to go for another test drive?
The SOUND of an automobile engine outside. Lana stops him.
LANA
Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm
still under warranty.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING
Ned glances at the white van parked in the driveway, then
takes note of his wife's silver Mercedes... sitting on floor
jacks, the hood raised, tools spread out around it.
INT. HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - MORNING
Ned enters. Lana wears a diaphanous dressing gown, buttoned
unevenly, hair disheveled. She smokes a cigarette.
NED
Morning sweetheart.
Ned kisses her on the back of the neck as he passes through
the kitchen on his way to the dining room. She reacts with
bored, contemptuous disinterest, picking up the coffee pot.
LANA
Uh huh. Want some coffee?
Ned steps back into the kitchen with his briefcase.
NED
No thanks.
Ned sees Frank sitting at the kitchen table, hair messed up,
coveralls hastily pulled on inside-out. Frank is reading a
copy of INSURANCE DIGEST magazine. A headline on the cover
touts an article: "LIFE INSURANCE FOR YOUR CAT!... Cover All
Nine Lives For The Price of One!" Ned's smile fades.
LANA
Frank here was just grabbing a little
before going back to work on my car.
He steps over to the table... gives Frank a cool stare.
NED
How long you been working on Lana's
Mercedes, Frank?
FRANK
(shrugs)
Oh... I don't know... six, seven
weeks.
NED
And ya still haven't found the
problem?
FRANK
(a leering smile)
Think I got my finger on it though.
Ned turns to Lana.
NED
I know what he's doing, Lana. I wasn't
born yesterday. He's not fixing your
car. He's SCREWING you!
Lana tenses up at this. Frank freezes. He figures they've
been busted. He sits there, holding the magazine, not moving
a muscle... as Ned turns on him.
NED
YOU are screwing my wife! I can see
what your game is, Frank. You open
up her hood, poke around in there...
squirt some lubrication in... play
around with all her parts... then
take an old used piston and stick it
in... then pull it out... in, out,
in, out! Every day! There's no end
to it. You just keep coming and
COMING!... and the bill just gets
bigger and BIGGER!
Lana braces herself against the sink, breathless... turned
on by Ned's description. Ned goes to her, sympathetic.
NED
But you don't see it, do you, Lana?
You're too good... too pure. You
can't see the evil in people like
him.
(turns to Frank)
Well, you're not getting away with
it, pal. I'm pulling the plug! You're
fired!
LANA
(breathless)
Ned... don't you have to be somewhere?
NED
(checks his watch)
Oh... yeah. Thanks, honey. I'm late
for court.
He goes to kiss her mouth and she turns her cheek to him. He
looks at her lovingly... touches her face tenderly.
NED
You are so naive.
He picks up his briefcase, gives Frank a nasty look, then
exits thru the back door.
Lana and Frank stare at each other lustfully, really hot
now! Frank sweeps the dishes off the table with his arm.
Lana leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.
He lays her down on the kitchen table, standing over her.
Suddenly, Ned opens the back door, glaring right at Frank...
not even noticing Lana on the table.
NED
Finish your coffee... then GET OUT!
He slams the door. A beat. Lana and Frank begin to devour
each other with passionate kisses. Another beat. The front
doorbell RINGS once... then again.
FRANK
Who's that?
LANA
Just the postman. He always rings
twice.
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY
Richly appointed with stately oak, walls lined with law books.
As in all "Noir" thrillers, venetian blinds cast dramatic
slashes of light and ceiling fans turn lazily in every room.
Ned hurries in, rummaging through the files on his desk.
LAURA, a strikingly lovely brunette, enters from the outer
office, files in hand. She is Ned's astute, dedicated, self-
sacrificing "girl-friday" and legal secretary. She keeps his
life from spinning crazily apart. She absolutely adores him.
NED
Laura... do you know where...?
LAURA
(hands him file)
Right here. The judge decided to
skip arraignment and take Milo direct
to trial. You're six minutes late,
but don't sweat it. You got Judge
Allen. He's always eleven minutes
late.
She picks up a lawbook, flips it open to a dog-eared page.
LAURA
I suggest you try Lemming versus
Florida, 1956... where the guy jumped
in the water and everybody followed.
NED
(thinks about it)
Yeah. Good idea.
He smiles gratefully... drops the file into his briefcase.
Ned heads for the office washroom. Laura darts ahead of him
into the washroom and turns the water on.
Ned steps in... splashes some water on his face. Laura grabs
a towel from the rack where three small towels hang neatly...
hands it to Ned. He dries his face, looking at her with
genuine fondness and gratitude.
NED
I don't know what I'd do without
you?
She glances toward the toilet, notices it hasn't been flushed.
She FLUSHES it, lowers the seat.
LAURA
Really?
She sits down on the toilet seat, watching him adoringly as
he shaves with an electric razor.
NED
Laura, how long have you worked for
me?
LAURA
Two years, seven months, twenty-three
days, nineteen hours...
(checks her watch)
...six minutes and fifty-two seconds.
(softly, to herself)
...fifty-three... fifty-four... fifty-
five... fifty-six...
NED
And when was the last time I gave
you a raise?
Laura neatly folds the end of the toilet paper into a point.
LAURA
Never. But that's okay. I don't need
a raise. In fact... I was thinking
of giving you a rebate on my salary.
He clicks off the razor, turns to look at her for a long
moment, considering this, then...
NED
Naw. That's okay. You keep it.
He gives her a manly pat on the shoulder then casually tosses
the towel onto the rack, where it hangs sloppily askew...
right next to her face. He exits.
Laura stares at the towel with a tortured expression. The
CAMERA PUSHES IN to her face as we see...
INT. ULTRA-MODERN BEACH HOUSE - DAY
Scrawled on a steamed-up bathroom mirror - FLASHBACK - CAPE
COD - THREE YEARS EARLIER. A hand wipes the mirror off,
revealing Laura... younger, longer hair, with a nasty black
eye.
LAURA'S HUSBAND appears behind her, glaring insanely. He
looks toward the towel rack.
There are three towels... with HIS - HIS - HIS embossed along
the bottom edge. One towel hangs longer than the others.
LAURA'S HUSBAND
Did we forget something?
She meekly lines up all the towels.
LAURA'S HUSBAND
Did we forget something?
She meekly lines up all the towels.
INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY
Laura's Husband pulls the cupboard open. All the cans and
boxes are neatly stacked in straight lines. All except one.
She straightens it... trembling with fear.
EXT. DECK OF BEACH HOUSE - DAY
He pulls her outside, nodding toward a line of tall PINE
trees behind the house. They are all straight and even...
except one, whose tall branches tower conspicuously above
the rest.
He holds up a chainsaw, nodding toward the trees. Shaking
and tearful... she backs into the house.
END FLASHBACK
BACK TO LAURA
SCREAMING out in terror! Ned rushes in, shaking her.
NED
Laura. Laura! What is it?
LAURA
(coming out of it)
I'm okay, I'm okay. I just get a
bit... claustrophobic... in the
bathroom.
NED
Maybe we should try some prune juice.
He gives her shoulder a consoling squeeze, then exits. She
shakily straightens the towels and regains her composure.
Ned opens a wardrobe closet in his office. He walks along,
looking at thirty exactly identical blue suits, hanging
neatly. Laura follows behind him. He stops and stares,
indecisive.
LAURA
Wear the blue one.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Ned turns dramatically to face the jury.
NED
Ladies and gentlemen... I ask you...
does this look like the face of a
crook?
ANGLE - MILO CRUMLEY
sitting next to Laura at the defense table... STILL wearing
the panty hose over his head.
BACK TO SCENE
NED
Of course it does. But the question
of my client's guilt or innocence is
not the issue here today. I'm certain
every member of the jury can clearly
see that he's guilty!
BLIND JUROR
I can't.
ANGLE ON NED - JURY'S POV
Ned ignores this, turning to look directly at the CAMERA as
he addresses the jury... holding up a pair of nylon pantyhose.
NED
Put yourself in his shoes. Look
through his eyes. See the world the
way HE sees it!
He puts the pantyhose over the LENS, obscuring our view.
NED
Things just don't look the same.
It's fuzzy... and frightening!
NEW ANGLE - TO INCLUDE NED AND JURY
The nylon pantyhose are draped over the frightened face of a
WOMAN JUROR. All the other Jurors are holding up their own
socks and nylon stockings, trying to peer through them.
Ned steps over to Milo, motioning toward him.
NED
Ladies and gentlemen... Milo Crumley
is not the perpetrator here. He is
the VICTIM!
Milo unwraps a piece of bubble gum and pushes it into his
panty-hose covered mouth, chewing the nylon and gum together.
NED
Like ALL of us... this man is the
unfortunate victim of these tragically
difficult economic times. And what
does that mean? He can't support his
family!
Ned motions toward the gallery, where we SEE...
...MILO'S WIFE and TWO CHILDREN, all wearing panty hose over
their faces. Ned motions toward Milo.
NED
For God's sake!... He can't even
support his own FACE!
JUDGE ALLEN notices that Milo is chewing gum.
JUDGE ALLEN
Mr. Crumley... you cannot chew gum
in my courtroom... unless you have
enough for everyone.
Milo holds up a big plastic bag filled with bubble gum. Judge
Allen grabs it, takes a piece of gum and hands it to the
Bailiff.
JUDGE ALLEN
Bailiff. Pass these out.
The Bailiff takes the bag, offers one to Ned... who takes a
piece, unwraps it and starts chewing. The Bailiff then
proceeds to pass out gum to EVERYONE in the courtroom.
The JURY FOREMAN raises his hand and clears his throat.
JUDGE ALLEN
And don't forget the jury.
NED
And so, desperate and broke, with no
other options before him, Mr. Crumley
went to eleven Savings & Loans and
did what any of you would have done.
He stole back the money that the
S&Ls had stolen from him!
The courtroom erupts in CHEERS! Judge Allen raps the gavel.
JUDGE ALLEN
(interrupting)
Mr. Ravine... please approach the
bench.
He does. The Judge leans toward him, reaching out to cover
the microphone, covering the end of the gavel instead. The
Judge's voice is AMPLIFIED over the courtroom speakers.
JUDGE ALLEN
You're not running for congress here,
so knock off the speeches and quit
inciting these brainless morons! Now
pick up the pace and wrap this son-
of-a-bitch up! Call your first
witness.
Ned turns... looking out over the courtroom.
NED
I call... Detective Ned Ravine.
There is a surprised GASP from the crowd... and a loud MURMUR.
The BAILIFF holds out a video box. It's titled HOLY BIBLE -
THE VIDEO. Ned puts one hand on it, raises the other.
BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
NED
I do.
Ned sits down... then gets up, his demeanor changing.
NED
Detective Ravine, at the time of the
arrest, did you read the defendant
his Miranda rights?
He slips back into the witness box.
NED
Of course. That's standard procedure.
Ned steps over to Arch, who is sitting in the first row of
the gallery. Arch hands him the Miranda "cue cards."
NED
Are these the cards Officer Brooks
used to prompt you while reading Mr.
Crumley his rights?
He lays them on the corner of the stand... then slips into
the chair. He picks the cards up and flips thru them. On the
back we can see scribbled... "NED'S IDIOT CARDS"
NED
Yeah. These are them.
Ned jumps to his feet, pacing dramatically, grabbing the
cards.
NED
Reading from the cards now... quote
"You have the right to remain silent,
if you waive that right, anything
you say... may be used against you
in a court of law." Is that right?
NED
(back in the chair)
That's right.
NED
(stands up, announces)
WRONG! The official Miranda warning
is... "anything you say CAN be used
against you in a court of law." Not
"may"... "CAN!"
(on the attack)
Don't you know the difference between
"can" and "may", Detective? Every
school kid knows "can" is a verb
that indicates ability to perform,
while "may" is a verbal auxiliary
indicating the permission to act.
Ned pivots into the witness stand, changing his attitude
from aggressive attorney to defensive, angry witness as he
hits the chair.
NED
I didn't have time to worry about
past participles or interrogative
pronouns! I was trying to protect
society from a deranged MADMAN!
(leaps up, pointing)
But this ivy league fop...!!!
The courtroom ERUPTS! The Judge bangs the gavel. Ned strides
proudly toward the defense table.
NED
I have no more use for this witness.
JUDGE ALLEN
Mr. Ravine...
Ned turns. The Judge motions with a finger for Ned to approach
the bench. Ned does, resting his hand on it.
JUDGE ALLEN
I'm dismissing this case on the
grounds of improper grammar.
The Judge smacks Ned's hand with a ruler!
NED
Ow!
PROSECUTOR
(jumps up)
But your Honor...!
JUDGE ALLEN
I know, I know. It's a technicality.
But it's the kind of technicality
that makes the American legal system
what it is today! Court's adjourned!
The Judge mistakenly picks up the microphone and whacks it
on the bench like a gavel. BAM! BAM! BAM! It is DEAFENING!
Everyone covers their ears in pain.
The THX Sound System Logo appears at the bottom of the
screen... along with "The Courtroom Is Listening"
INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
Ned turns the key... enters through the private door. He
HEARS the plaintive sound of a saxophone playing Lola's
Theme... his eyes drawn to the slightly opened door to the
outer office.
ANGLE - NED'S POV THRU OPENING
A gorgeous pair of legs, sleek nylons, high-heeled shoes.
There are several CANDY WRAPPERS, CIGARETTE BUTTS and other
pieces of TRASH stuck to the bottom of one shoe.
NED
pushes the door open. It's Lola. She wears a tight white
dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. The hat tips
up slowly, revealing her eyes.
LOLA
I waited. You never came back.
Ned reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wet paper towel.
NED
I got busy. Here's that paper towel
I promised.
LOLA
Thanks...
NED
How'd you get in? The door was locked.
Lola proudly holds up a tiny bobbie pin. She smiles.
LOLA
It's miraculous what a real woman
can do... with a bobbie pin.
Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally
chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She
pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES.
LOLA
(offering)
Cigarette?
NED
No... thanks. They're bad for ya.
He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft
cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring.
LOLA
Yes, I know. I like things that are
bad for me.
(touching lawbooks)
So... I hear you go both ways.
Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup.
NED
Only once. It was a fraternity prank.
I never saw him again.
He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand.
LOLA
No, I mean... you're a cop and a
lawyer.
NED
Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of
scum out there on the streets... but
they all deserve a fair and costly
trial.
Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the
waste basket. He misses.
Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She
sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to
pick it up.
LAURA
I'll get that.
She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket.
NED
Oh... Laura... this is, uh...
LOLA
Lola Cain.
Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps
toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing
the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking
Laura's hand with a condescending air.
LOLA
(sarcastic)
So lovely to meet you, Laura.
Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing
each lawbook in its proper slot.
The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then
aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle"
as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force.
Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away.
NED
Gotta keep these darn books in their
right place or we'll never find the
ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M...
R thru B... W thru F...
Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm
lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles
over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins,
twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels!
Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola
strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She
takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the
couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt.
LAURA
It's getting late. I'll give you a
ride home, Ned.
Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles.
NED
I have my car.
LAURA
I'll tow you.
NED
Not today. You don't need to wait.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves
reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame
chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned.
LAURA
I should call someone to fix this...
NED
Tomorrow...
She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door...
LAURA
I'll call from home.
...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola
sits in the chair across from him.
LOLA
I think I should warn you, Mr.
Ravine... I'm not wearing any
underwear.
She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly,
re-crosses them in the other direction.
Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair
of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box
labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another
pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola.
NED
Try these on.
She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they
talk.
NED
So... what can I do for you?
LOLA
I've run across some... papers...
and I thought you might be able to
tell me what they are. You see, I'm
not very experienced when it comes
to... papers.
NED
I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able.
Do you have the... papers... here?
LOLA
No... they're at home. I thought you
might stop by...
NED
I'm on duty tonight.
LOLA
Don't they ever give you a night
off?
NED
Yeah. Tomorrow.
LOLA
(picks up cigarette)
Why don't we meet tomorrow evening
then?
She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile...
"snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door,
pauses... turns to him.
LOLA
I'll let you know where.
NED
(steps over to her)
What's wrong with my office?
She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke.
LOLA
Nothing a good interior decorator
couldn't fix.
She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy,
the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme."
CLOSE ON LOLA
She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches
O.S. with it... toward Ned.
LOLA
Take care of this for me, will ya?
With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door.
ANGLE ON NED
The cigarette is stuck in his nose.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed
in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt.
FRANK
I came back for my shower cap.
Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She
kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap
with a gaudy floral design on his head.
LANA
Yeah, well you came to the right
place.
She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing
the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers.
LANA
Sit down.
He sits in a chair, looking around.
FRANK
Where is he?
LANA
On duty all night. By the time he
wraps up his reports, it'll be close
to noon tomorrow.
She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers.
LANA
I was just reading over...
She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap.
LANA
Take off the hat, Frank.
He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues.
LANA
I was just reading over my husband's
insurance policies. You wouldn't
know anything about insurance, would
you, Frankie?
FRANK
Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies
part-time. I got half a brain... or
didn't you notice?
LANA
I musta had my eye on something else.
(hands him papers)
How about a translation.
He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging.
FRANK
Standard accident policy... all the
usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The
face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three
million bucks!
(flips page)
And there's a triple indemnity rider.
LANA
Meaning?
FRANK
Aw, it's just something agents throw
in so we can boost the premium. If
the policy holder dies under very
specific conditions, it pays off
three times the face value of the
policy.
LANA
Nine million dollars...?
FRANK
Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the
company. Nobody ever collects.
LANA
Why not?
FRANK
Well, like here... it only pays off
if he's shot with a pistol, falls
from a moving northbound train and
drowns in a fresh water stream.
LANA
All three?
FRANK
See what I mean, sweetheart? What
are the odds of that?
LANA
It could happen.
(dramatic beat)
Suppose it did happen?
FRANK
Then you'd be rich.
LANA
Then we'd be rich.
FRANK
What're you sayin'...?
She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to
his, speaking with a persuasive urgency.
LANA
We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch!
And I know exactly how! He has a
legal symposium in Santa Barbara
this weekend... All we have to do is
get him to take the train up instead
of driving.
FRANK
How we gonna do that? Didn't you
tell me he hates trains?
LANA
That's where you come in, baby. You're
gonna rig his car so it doesn't work.
That should be no problem for you.
She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her
fingers at her side. He follows.
She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale-
model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO-
Scale model trains chugging around the tracks.
She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot.
LANA
Then... we give him a lift to the
train station... through Dealey Plaza,
past the Book Suppository and around
the grassy knoll...
FRANK
Isn't that out of our way?
Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a
screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button.
A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's
back. We can read the words: THE PLAN.
LANA
Move, Frank.
He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen.
LANA
And pay attention.
As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her
rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail
route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a
huge dollar sign!
LANA
Ten minutes out of the station he'll
be standing in the vestibule between
cars... trying to avoid a panic
attack. Fourteen minutes and ten
seconds out, the train crosses the
Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen
minutes and fifty-four seconds, I
shoot him, shove him out the door...
he hits the river and drowns. Bingo!
A triple play. We're rich!
The lights click ON.
FRANK
You been thinking about this a lot,
haven't you?
LANA
No. It just came to me.
(closer, seductive)
I had this image of a big, powerful,
throbbing train... plunging into a
long, dark, wet tunnel.
They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame.
The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a
long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel.
INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG
MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the
toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool.
NED
Stand over there and shut up!
GANG MEMBER #1
Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you
be layin' no deleterious malfeasance
on us.
Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again!
NED
Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want
to hear language like that!
Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming
him.
ARCH
Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy.
You seem a little tense tonight.
What is it?
Ned regains his composure. He's depressed.
NED
Aw... I don't know. I guess it's
Lana. It's just... I know she wants
to have a baby so bad...
Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening.
NED
...but I never get to spend any time
with her. And when I am home... it's
like she's, you know... avoiding
sex.
Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening.
GANG MEMBER #1
You should try to be more sensitive,
man. More romantic. Bring her flowers.
He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder.
GANG MEMBER #1
Try to understand how she feels.
After all...
He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"...
GANG MEMBER #1
She may be weary... Women do get
weary... Wearing that same old shabby
dress... But when she's weary... Try
a little ten-der-ness...
The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a
sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some
smooth group choreography.
The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey-
eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT.
The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being
booked... and they start to slow dance.
Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on
his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand,
covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder.
NED
That can't be it. I'm the tenderest
guy on the force. Nah... I think
she's just afraid she won't be able
to get pregnant.
ARCH
What's to be afraid! It's like making
breakfast! You bring home the bacon...
she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it
up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got
an omelette in the oven!
(a beat, then)
Why don't you knock off early... go
home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake
up in the morning and find you there
for a change.
NED
Naw... I can't. I got all this
paperwork.
ARCH
Don't worry about that.
GANG MEMBER #1
We'll do our own paperwork, man!
OTHER GANG MEMBERS
Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit.
Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members
as he heads for the door.
INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT
The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters.
IN THE BEDROOM
It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed.
INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN
Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter
open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits
her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up,
snoring. She's laying between both men!
Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth...
indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed.
The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on
steadily.
Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall
out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes.
Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping
on the TV REMOTE CONTROL.
A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up...
clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but
it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD
SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW.
Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all
the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING!
WILLARD SCOTT
(on television)
...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of
Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and
thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of
female! Smokes three cigars a day,
drinks a straight shot of vodka at
bedtime... and still has sex!
The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for
it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm.
Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV,
nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold.
Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor
CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the
door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like
the piercing metal brakes of a train!
He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently.
It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand
and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE
RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales.
A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling
a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated.
NED
Damn birds!
He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING
Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant
smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face!
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street,
glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING
BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat...
a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel
shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her.
A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to...
INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY
The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped,
hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed.
LAURA
My God, Ned... you look like you
were hit by a bus.
NED
I was.
(notices)
Who's in my office?
LAURA
Max Shady's mother.
NED
Not again.
INSIDE THE OFFICE
MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits
in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter.
NED
Hello, Mrs. Shady.
Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical
blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes.
NED
Laura... check on my insurance. Make
sure it's paid up.
Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office.
MRS. SHADY
Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max,
is getting out of prison tomorrow.
NED
(checks his watch)
Gee, has it been seven years already?
MRS. SHADY
Seven long, miserable years in the
slammer. And he's a bit pissed off.
NED
Well, being locked in a tiny room
with no TV can make a guy feel pretty
tense.
MRS. SHADY
I'm very concerned about him, Mr.
Ravine. He said you were a two-bit
shyster... and he's going to rip
your head off and use it for a bowling
ball!
He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder,
looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace.
NED
I'm sure the experience wasn't all
negative. He probably made a lot of
friends...
MRS. SHADY
(ever hopeful)
You think?
NED
...learned a useful trade...
MRS. SHADY
Oh yes... live autopsies...
NED
...caught up on all those books he
wanted to read...
She struggles to her feet feebly...
MRS. SHADY
Maybe so... but he said he's going
to punch you in the testicles...
She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He
doubles over, gasping.
MRS. SHADY
...smash your face...
She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him
with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He
collapses over the desk.
MRS. SHADY
...and decimate your wardrobe.
She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the
back!
MRS. SHADY
And I wouldn't want that to happen.
(spanks his butt)
He's a naughty naughty boy. I just
thought I should warn you.
She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office.
MRS. SHADY
(to Laura)
Bye for now.
(pauses by desk)
Oh... may I have a cookie?
LAURA
(at file cabinet)
Sure.
She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at
Laura... as she heads out the door.
MRS. SHADY
Thank yooooooooou.
Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He
staggers unsteadily by the desk.
LAURA
Oh my God, Ned.
NED
I hate when she comes to see me.
LAURA
Don't you realize, Ned?... you could
be in real danger.
NED
(sees file)
What's that?
LAURA
Extreme peril. You know, the risk of
personal bodily harm.
NED
(points at file)
No... I mean that.
LAURA
Your insurance file. But the policy's
missing. Did you take it home?
NED
I don't think so.
Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then...
LAURA
Oh, wait a second...
She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a
drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS!
She is holding...
A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH
of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn
around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed
across his face.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK
HER HUSBAND'S FACE
peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece
of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line.
INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT
Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers.
The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung
towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom
edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes.
Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck.
EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT
Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and
aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling...
LAURA'S HUSBAND
Lau-raaaaa!
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable
float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to
sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside.
MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT
-- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house.
-- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very
wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and
WET!
-- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a
secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown
paper bag.
-- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then...
-- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor.
-- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet.
She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing
the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet.
She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring.
-- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the
ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and
flies off.
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
-- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open
window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring...
into the toilet bowl!
EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING
Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the
deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer.
INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM
Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet
bowl... looking off with demonic rage!
END FLASHBACK MONTAGE
THE CAMERA PULLS BACK
from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure
terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face!
We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand.
Laura is completely drenched!
NED
Laura! Are you alright? That was a
very long flashback you had.
She snaps out of it, sputtering.
LAURA
Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a
little... pre-menstrual.
She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message
spike and turns to Ned.
LAURA
That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped
by. She left this!
She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card
stuck on the end. He pulls it off.
ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD
It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of
It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30".
The edges of the card are scorched.
INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT
It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody
is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes.
Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg
crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to
the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK.
He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles.
NED
Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked
me to take care of this.
He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE.
It has a very long ash.
LOLA
Thanks...
She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out
through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time!
More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then...
NED
You smoke too much.
(looks around, then)
It's hot tonight.
LOLA
Is it? I never know. My body heat
runs about twenty degrees above
normal.
He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone
begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a
QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously
bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from
the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher.
None of the band members miss a beat.
NED
Maybe we should look for a cooler
place.
LOLA
I doubt we'll find one. Even the
wind chimes on my porch aren't moving
much these days. They keep thudding
softly, like dairy cows bumping butts
in the night. I go out there expecting
to find a cool breeze... but it's
just a lot of hot air.
Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across
from them. They're staring coldly at Ned.
NED
What're they lookin' at?
LOLA
A lot of them have tried that seat.
You're the first one's lasted this
long.
NED
I feel honored.
LOLA
Don't. It's broken.
A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH!
Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over.
NED
Did you bring the... papers?
LOLA
No. I thought you might come over...
NED
Sure. I'll drive you.
LOLA
I brought my own car.
NED
I'll follow you then.
LOLA
I know it sounds silly, but would
you leave first... wait in your car?
I come here a lot and I wouldn't
want those men to think I'm "easy"...
a slut who'll jump into bed with
anyone at the drop of a hat. But if
you leave first...
NED
...they'll think I'm a putz for
passing up a sure thing.
Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face.
He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly,
she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar!
LOLA
(for all to hear)
Now leave me alone!
She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks
up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to
his feet and staggers to the door.
INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT
Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth.
Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME
starts playing.
A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car,
turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are
partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light.
ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD
He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left.
INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT
Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins
faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel!
EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a
large two story house surrounded by lush greenery.
Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side
and sticking out crazily.
ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV
It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her
long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe.
She casually shakes it off... going to the front door.
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows.
NED
Well, here we are... in the dark.
LOLA
I have The Clapper.
NED
You what?
Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She
smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then
goes up the stairs.
Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her.
EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens
of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch.
LOLA
My wind chimes.
Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud"
against each other.
NED
You know, these would work a lot
better if you took them out of the
boxes.
He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal
chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze.
LOLA
Well well... I guess you have been
around. I'm impressed.
She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy.
NED
Why don't we take a look at those...
papers?
LOLA
(remembering)
Papers. Right.
INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe,
pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The
Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back
in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper.
NED
That's it? These are the... papers?
LOLA
Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can
you tell me what they are?
He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious.
NED
This one's a laundry receipt... and
the other one's an expired lottery
ticket.
He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away.
LOLA
No. You keep them... as a memento of
our time together.
She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously
slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him
closer.
LOLA
I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay
you for all you've done?
NED
Cash would be nice.
LOLA
Isn't there some other way?
NED
I suppose you could wash my car.
LOLA
No, I mean, isn't there something
else you want? Something I could
give you?
She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders.
NED
Hey... slow down... there's a speed
limit in this state. Sixty-five miles
an hour.
LOLA
How fast was I going, officer?
NED
Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three.
LOLA
Suppose you pull me over and frisk
me?
NED
Suppose I let you off with a warning?
LOLA
Suppose I find a cop with a bigger
nightstick?
NED
Suppose I put you under arrest for
being a bad girl with bad thoughts?
LOLA
Suppose you handcuff me to the bed?
NED
(rapid run-on)
Suppose I do and then we lose the
key and while I'm gone to get a
duplicate made the house catches on
fire and I can't get back to save
you because the bridge is washed out
and so you die a horrible death
toasted like a Polish sausage on a
flaming spit!
(shakes his head)
Nah... I better be going.
He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there.
She looks into his eyes with desire.
LOLA
You're not so tough. Last chance.
She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then...
NED
No thanks. I got a cold shower and a
wife who trusts me waiting at home.
LOLA
What's the matter? Don't you want
me? It's the way I look, isn't it?
He steps out, pauses... turns to her.
NED
Don't forget to lock up.
Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his
car, realizing something, heaves a sigh, goes back to the
door.
He tries the knob, but the door is locked. He looks through
the small window. He sees Lola standing inside... breathing
heavily, bracing herself against the staircase bannister,
hand to her heaving chest as if to calm a pounding heart.
He pushes against the door. It won't budge. He goes to the
large window, gazing inside. She slides one hand enticingly
across her breast and thigh, striking a seductive pose.
He points toward the door, motioning for her to unlock it.
She looks away. Frustrated, Ned tries the window. It's locked.
He picks up a wrought iron chair, SLAMS it into the window!
The heavy chair falls apart. The glass doesn't even vibrate!
He sees a riding power mower in the driveway... jumps into
the seat, starts the engine... barreling toward the front of
the house! THUNDER CRASHES and LIGHTNING FLASHES in the sky!
He PLOWS into the side of the house, SMASHING a huge hole
thru the wall!... MOWING a swath in the carpet!
Lola GASPS. Ned climbs off the mower, moving toward her. She
opens her arms, breathless. The MUSIC SWELLS dramatically!
She intercepts him, embracing him passionately.
LOLA
I knew you'd come back...
NED
(looking past her)
I forgot my car keys.
He struggles free, grabbing his car keys from the hall table.
She follows, embracing him again, even more tenaciously.
LOLA
That's not what you came back for.
NED
Yes it is.
Impatient, she crushes her mouth against his, kissing him
hard, desperately clawing at his clothes. She's relentless...
devouring him with her lips and tongue.
Overwhelmed, he succumbs to her passion. His car keys drop
from his hand. She pushes him down toward the floor.
LOW ANGLE - AT FLOOR LEVEL
Her hands grasp his shirt, ripping it open. The buttons fly
in all directions! She grabs at his leather belt, twisting
it in her hands... ripping it in two!
She grabs his pants by the cuffs... rips one pant leg off!
Then the other!... tossing them over each shoulder!
Ned and Lola tumble across the floor, arms and legs
entangled... rolling themselves up in a rug in the process.
ANGLE - FIREPLACE
A roaring fire. We HEAR O.C. MOANING and HEAVY BREATHING.
The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to a sheepskin rug in front of the
fireplace. No one is there! A crystal vase falls, CRASHING
on the stone hearth. The CAMERA TILTS UP to REVEAL Ned and
Lola... stretched out on the mantle, ravishing each other.
ANGLE - THE REFRIGERATOR
The door suddenly BURSTS OPEN! Ned and Lola tumble out...
wrapped in each other's arms, food tumbling out with them.
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
ANGLE - THE DINING ROOM TABLE
The table wiggles. The CAMERA MOVES UP to REVEAL Ned and
Lola kissing passionately. She lays on the table, arms and
legs stretched upward... a spinning plate balanced on the
pointed finger of each hand... and a large spinning platter
balanced on the end of her pointed left toe. Her right foot
brushes the platter to keep it spinning. The Ed Sullivan
Show position.
SEVERAL ANGLES - IN BED
-- Ned and Lola's entangled legs, moving under the sheets.
-- Ned sitting, wrists tied to the brass bed with silk
scarves.
-- Lola, also with her wrists tied to the bed with silk
scarves.
-- Then... A WIDER ANGLE... revealing that they are BOTH
tied... at opposite ends of the same bed!
ANGLE - THE BASEMENT STAIRS
Wrapped in each other's arms, they tumble down the stairs...
crashing into a workbench, still kissing passionately!
ANGLE - A WALL SOCKET
Ned's hand plugs in a cord. RACK FOCUS to a soft lamb's wool
BUFFER WHEEL rising into frame, WHIRRING. It dips into an
open can of FLOOR WAX... then moves over to Lola's naked
body, buffing the surface of her skin to a high gloss. The
CAMERA MOVES to her EYES. They're CROSSED in ecstasy.
ANGLE - THE BEDROOM FLOOR
HEAVY BREATHING. SQUEAKY BED NOISES. The CAMERA MOVES up
along the mattress. The bed moves with a jerky rhythm. The
CAMERA REVEALS Lola's hand, grasping the sheet tightly. WE
MOVE UP to Lola, lying face down against the pillow.
LOLA
(breathless)
...don't... stop...
FULL SHOT - THE BED
Ned jumps up and down on the bed like a trampoline! Lola is
on her stomach, bouncing each time Ned's feet hit the bed.
LOLA
...Oh Ned... please... don't...
stop...
He does a complete BACK FLIP!... then keeps bouncing.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP - NIGHT
The wind blows. THUNDER and LIGHTNING! RAIN pours down.
Ned and Lola, both in yellow rain slickers, ravish each other
lustfully on the roof, sliding down the incline of shingles.
Oblivious to the peril, they slip right over the edge!
They hang from the eaves trough, each clutching it with one
hand while still holding one another with their free arms...
kissing passionately. The trough breaks! They fall!
ANGLE - THE GROUND BELOW
They roll out of the bushes onto the lawn, arms and legs
entangled. They fall apart, gasping for breath. A beat.
LOLA
That takes care of foreplay.
Ned's eyes widen. Lola grins lustily, rolling on top of him.
INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING
The cell wall is a clutter of PHOTOS: Hitler... Mussolini...
Charles Manson... and his mother, Mrs. Shady.
A man's muscular naked torso rises into frame, his back to
us. He's doing pull-ups, his body covered with TATTOOS!
Quotes on each arm... "Don't have a cow, man!" - Bart
Simpson... and "I know you are, but what am I?" - Pee Wee
Herman.
On one shoulder, a gravestone with the epitaph "I told you I
was sick!"
In the center of his back... we see a big tattoo of Ned's
face labeled "DEAD MEAT."
A GUARD opens the cell door.
GUARD
It's time, Max.
The prisoner turns. He's butt-ugly, hard, nasty looking.
It's MAX SHADY... with a HUGE "Double Corona" CIGAR in his
mouth. On his chest is a tattoo that reads: THIS SPACE FOR
RENT. He walks right toward the CAMERA LENS and the FRAME
goes TO BLACK.
MATCH CUT TO:
BLACK FRAME
EXT. FEDERAL PRISON - MORNING
Two huge iron doors swing open and a mob of milling REPORTERS
rushes forward, surrounding Max Shady. He wears a blue suit
just like Ned's. The Reporters have no microphones, but shove
their empty hands at Max as if they do. They shout questions.
REPORTER #1
Mr. Shady! What's the first thing
you're gonna do now that you're out?
MAX SHADY
Find Ned Ravine... rip his head off
and use it for a bowling ball!
REPORTER #2
Are you a good bowler?
REPORTER #3
You ever bowled a three-hundred game?
REPORTER #4
How would you handle a seven-ten
split?
REPORTER #1
Say, aren't you wearing one of
Ravine's "trademark" blue suits?
MAX SHADY
Yeah. The bastard gave it to me as a
gift... to make up for losing my
case. Now I'm going to wear it to
his friggin' funeral!!
Shady sees someone o.s., waves like a gleeful little kid.
MAX SHADY
Ma!
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - MORNING
A ceiling fan rotates slowly... a pair of shorts and a nylon
stocking hanging from the blades. The house is a wreck!
The CAMERA MOVES DOWN to Ned and Lola, both reclining in a
big claw-foot bathtub, facing each other, their arms draped
lazily over the sides. Ned's eyes are closed.
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo in the b.g.
Lola's hand reaches for an ICE PICK on the floor, raising it
up slowly. Then... CLICK!... ignites the cigarette lighter
in the handle, touching the flame to the end of her cigarette.
She chips away a big chunk of ice from the block in a silver
ice bucket beside her... then sensuously rubs the ice across
her breasts. Ned winces at the sight of this.
Lola smiles at him, then lets the chunk of ice slide into
the water... and pushes it between Ned's legs. He cringes,
eyes crossed. The familiar repetition of MUSICAL notes from
the stereo DRONES LOUDER... grabbing Ned's attention.
NED
That's Madam Butterfly, isn't it?
LOLA
Iron Butterfly. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
NED
(listening)
Oh yeah, sure... now I can hear it.
LOLA
It tells the sad story of a woman
who is rejected by her lover after a
brief, but torrid, affair... so she
stalks him with an ice pick and stabs
him with it more than a thousand
times.
NED
Really? I never could understand the
lyrics.
He lifts his feet out of the water, dangles them over each
side of the tub. He's still wearing one blue sock. Lola raises
her feet out of the water. She's still wearing her high heel
shoes. They are dripping.
NED
You know, what happened last night
was very, uh...
LOLA
Yes... it was. I should check on my
homeowners insurance.
NED
But we can't ever let it happen again.
Ever!
LOLA
What are you saying, Ned? That you're
rejecting me, your lover, after a
brief, but torrid, affair?!
Ned pulls his feet in, sits up... suddenly feeling vulnerable.
He measures his words very, very carefully.
NED
I wouldn't put it exactly like that.
It's just that... well, I'm married
to a wonderful woman... who is very,
very attractive...
(but adds quickly)
...not that you aren't very
attractive!
His voice begins to ECHO and FADE as the CAMERA MOVES IN to
a CU of Lola's enraged EYES!
NED
(voice echoing)
...you aren't very attractive... you
aren't very attractive... you aren't
very attractive...
And then WE SEE...
A CLOSE SHOT of her hand, grasping the ice pick... scratching
it along the side of the tub, peeling back the porcelain. A
GRATING SCREECH OVERLAPS to...
INT. PET STORE - DAY
TIGHT on a SCREECHING TROPICAL BIRD. We PULL BACK to reveal
Ned looking around the store. His ripped pants have been
temporarily repaired with big pieces of masking tape. A CLERK
steps over with two big Parrots on her shoulders.
CLERK
Don't touch anything. You bond with
it... you buy it. Whatdya want?
NED
I'd like to buy a pet.
She eyes him suspiciously.
CLERK
Yeah. For what purpose?
NED
It's a gift... for my wife.
CLERK
Right. They all say that.
NED
She spends a lot of time alone. I
thought it might be nice if she had
something to keep her company.
CLERK
Yeah. Sure. I bet. How do I know
you're not the kind of guy who punches
out parakeets? Or takes some poor
defenseless animal, throws it in a
sack and runs over it with your car
five or six times.
NED
I would never hurt an animal.
CLERK
Boy, I would. They're driving me
CRAZY!
Turns and SHOUTS at the noisy birds.
CLERK
Shuddup!
They do. She turns back to Ned.
CLERK
Okay... tell me more about this broad
you're married to. I like to match
people with the pets they deserve.
INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY
A typical police squad room... smoke-filled, cluttered, busy.
Arch sits at a desk doing paperwork, surrounded by the Gang
Members... who are also filling out papers. Arch SINGS to
himself, munching on nachos from a big pile of chips. The
Gang Members harmonize with him.
A Gang Member reaches for a nacho chip. Arch grabs for the
gun in his shoulder holster.
ARCH
Uh-uh.
The Gang Member drops the chip. Arch pops it in his mouth,
continues singing. The Gang Members join in with harmony.
Ned enters in the background, carrying a box with airholes
in it. He steps over to his desk, looking at the singing
Gang Members, then motions like a choir leader, cutting them
off neatly.
NED
(doubtful)
You do all my paperwork?
They all hand over their completed paperwork. Ned stares at
them for a beat... surprised.
NED
Get out of here.
They do. He opens the files... checks out the papers. Arch
notices something O.S. and gets up.
ARCH
And a damn good job, too. One of 'em
even did it in Spanish.
Arch turns the sound up on a wall-mounted TV monitor.
ARCH
Hey Ned! Catch this! Friend of yours.
On the screen... it's Max Shady speaking to the press.
MAX (O.S.)
(on T.V.)
...I'd like to reach down Ned Ravine's
throat and pull out his guts with my
bare hands!
ARCH
(shocked)
Jesus... you hear that?
NED
He's just working through his anger,
trying to find a constructive outlet.
ARCH
Are you kiddin'! He'll do it! The
guy's a friggin' looney!
NED
Trust me, I spent a lot of time with
him when I was preparing his case.
He's really a very sweet, sensitive
human being.
MAX
(on T.V.)
I'd like to mash his head like a
ripe melon...
NED
He gets a little melon-dramatic.
MAX
(on T.V.)
...then cut off all his fingers and
rip out his liver with my teeth!
NED
(shrugs)
See. Loves to exaggerate.
Arch slumps in his chair, really stunned.
ARCH
Christ, Ned... you're in deep shit.
Ned laughs it off. He starts checking through the messages
and paperwork on his desk. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up.
NED
Lieutenant Ravine.
Ned's face darkens. He turns away.
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - TIGHT SHOT - LOLA'S MOUTH - DAY
Speaking into the phone... intense, obsessive.
LOLA
I want to see you, Ned.
INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY
NED
(whispering harshly)
I told you not to call me! It's
finished between us. No. No, I'm not
sucking anything of yours anymore!
(voice gets louder)
It's done! OVER!
He SLAMS the receiver down, shattering the phone! Everyone
stares at Ned in stunned silence.
NED
(shrugs it off)
Wrong number.
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DAY
She's in the bathtub, phone receiver in one hand, still
jabbing at the porcelain tub with the ice pick. Water squirts
from the holes she's punctured in the side of the tub. She
flings the ice pick at the wall. It sticks!
EXT. PARK - DAY
Lana is seated on a park bench wearing a trenchcoat, hat and
sunglasses. Frank walks up, looks around nervously, pretending
not to know Lana. He sits down next to her.
FRANK
How come we gotta meet here?
LANA
We have to be careful now. We can't
risk being seen together at the house
or someone might connect us to the
murder later on.
She hands him a hat.
LANA
Here... put this on.
She takes her sunglasses off, looks at him. He hesitates,
staring at the hat. A dignified looking OLDER GENTLEMAN
approaches. Frank quickly slips the hat on his head.
The Older Gentleman sits on the bench across from them. He
opens a paper sack and begins neatly laying his lunch out
next to him. An apple, sandwich, napkin, Mountain Dew.
LANA
(whispers to Frank)
Speak Yiddish.
FRANK
What?
LANA
Red Yiddish.
We see the SUB-TITLE "Speak Yiddish." From this point on,
all their dialog is in YIDDISH... but it appears in ENGLISH
SUB-TITLES across the bottom of the screen.
FRANK
Ich hobe getracht, efsher iz der
nisht geshtoigen un nisht gefloygen.
(I been thinkin'...
maybe this plan is
too complicated.)
LANA
Zein nisht azoy meshige! Der plan iz
kosher vi yosher.
(Quit worrying. The
plan is perfect.)
INTERCUT - ANGLE ON OLDER GENTLEMAN
He tosses crumbs of his sandwich to the pigeons, occasionally
glancing up at Frank and Lana. Whenever they speak, however,
his eyes look down toward their legs.
INTERCUT - MEDIUM TWO-SHOT ON FRANK AND LANA
with SUB-TITLES across the bottom of screen, about knee-level.
FRANK
Yo! Ober mir darfen imvarfen in tsug.
Un schissen un schtippen in vasser
arein. Oy a broch! Mir zenen git
bakackt.
(Yeah, but we gotta
get him on the train,
shoot him... then
push him in the river.
There's a million
ways we can screw
up.)
LANA
Vus iz mit idr? Die host a vaichen
schmoke?
(You're not going
soft on me, are you?)
FRANK
Ven hob ich gehat a vaichen schmoke?
(When have I ever
gone soft on you?)
LANA
Lest'n Yomkippur.
(Last Yom Kippur.)
FRANK
Nu shoin, ein mul. Es paseert tsie
yeyden man.
(Okay... once! It
happens to every
guy.)
He looks around nervously.
FRANK
Oy! Mir vellen zein oif groise tsures.
Me'vet unz chap'n.
(We're going to be in
big trouble. They're
going to catch us.)
OLDER GENTLEMAN
There's very little risk involved.
Statistics reveal that less than
thirty-two percent of all murderers
are ever apprehended.
They both look at him... stunned. A long beat.
LANA
You speak Yiddish?
OLDER GENTLEMAN
No. But I can read sub-titles.
Frank and Lana are speechless. But across the bottom of the
screen we see a SUB-TITLE reflecting their thoughts.
SUB-TITLE
Oy vay!
INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY
Ned enters, carrying the box. He sets it down on her desk.
LAURA
Oh gee, you shouldn't have...
NED
I didn't. It's for my wife.
He goes into his office, starts to change out of his tattered
suit. Laura talks to him from the outer office.
LAURA
She called. Wondered why you never
came home last night. I told her you
were working with a client,
undercover.
She steps into the doorway of his office.
LAURA
Were you?
NED
What?
LAURA
There's lipstick on your collar.
She returns to her desk. Disturbed, Ned quickly pulls the
shirt collar out, checks it.
NED
No there isn't.
LAURA
No... there isn't. But you answered
my question. She's a real looker,
huh?
NED
Who?
LAURA
Lola Cain.
NED
I hadn't noticed.
She opens the blinds behind her and looks at Ned through the
window between their offices.
LAURA
Yeah, I noticed how you hadn't
noticed.
(returns to work)
That's alright. She noticed enough
for both of us.
She picks up a stack of papers from the FAX machine. Ned
steps into the doorway, wearing a clean shirt.
LAURA
I worry about you, Ned. I worry a
lot.
(hands him papers)
Max Shady's been faxing death threats
to you all morning.
NED
(reading bits)
...stick a knife in your...
(reacts, next)
...rip the eyeballs out of your...
(next)
...drive razor-sharp spikes under
your...
LAURA
Did you get to the one...?
NED
...cut it off... shove it in a
blender.
LAURA
Yeah... that one.
NED
(tosses them aside)
He's just getting it out of his
system. Once they say it... they
never do it. You know... like the
President.
There's a KNOCK at the door. They look up to see an ominous
SILHOUETTE of a MAN on the milkglass. Ned starts toward the
door. Laura grabs his arm, stopping him.
LAURA
(whispers)
Wait. It might be him.
She opens her purse, pulls out a big COLT .45, holding it
out to him. Ned stares at it, taken aback.
NED
Where did you get that?
LAURA
(as if obvious)
From my purse.
NED
What are you doing with it?
LAURA
(still obvious)
Handing it to you.
NED
Jeez, Laura, what do you use a gun
for?
LAURA
You shoot it. A bullet comes out.
Gosh, Ned, after all your years as a
cop, I'd think you'd know these
things.
NED
Laura... put the gun away.
He hands the gun back to her... goes to the door... opens
it. There's a young DELIVERY MAN holding a bouquet of flowers.
DELIVERY MAN
(checks card)
Flowers for Ned Rav...
(looks up)
Hey... aren't you that lawyer guy?
Man, you are dead meat!
Ned grabs the flowers, slams the door. Laura takes the
envelope from the flowers... opens it.
LAURA
Is this another sick joke from Max
Shady?
She looks at the card... her expression turning cold.
NED
What is it...?
LAURA
(hands it to him)
Lola Cain.
She grabs the flowers... takes them into the bathroom.
LAURA
I'll put these in water for you.
Ned opens the envelope. An audio cassette drops into his
hand. Written on the label: PLAY ME.
From the bathroom, we hear the LOUD SOUND of a TOILET
FLUSHING.
INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT
It's raining. Ned pops the cassette into the tape player.
LOLA'S VOICE
Ned, darling... I know this seems
like a strange way to talk with you...
but since you won't take my calls, I
have no other choice.
(then suddenly)
Watch it! That red car's turning
left!
Ned swerves to avoid a collision, HONKING his horn.
LOLA'S VOICE
I love you, Ned. We're meant to be
together... forever.
(then suddenly)
The light's changing! Floor it! Go!
Go! Go!
Ned guns it!... accelerating through a yellow light.
LOLA'S VOICE
Nice move!
(then sincere again)
Nothing can keep us apart, Ned. Not
even your wife. I'd hate to have to
tell her about us, but if necessary...
I will.
We see HEADLIGHTS behind Ned's car.
INT. LOLA'S CAR - NIGHT
She is following him, her eyes intense, obsessed. Dizzy sits
in the back seat, noodling softly on his saxophone.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Ned steps into the living room carrying the box. Lana comes
down the stairs, pulling on a bathrobe.
LANA
What happened to you last night?
NED
(guilty as charged)
Why? What have you heard?
LANA
(sarcastic)
You could have called. But then, I
suppose you were tied up.
NED
(reflecting back)
Only part of the time.
LANA
I never know when you're coming home,
Ned. How can I ever make any plans?
In the b.g., through the window, WE SEE Frank drop from the
second floor, right onto the seat of a waiting motorcycle.
He ZOOMS OFF into the night.
Ned steps up behind Lana, slips his arms around her.
NED
I promise I'll spend more time with
you. I know it's been rough, being
alone so much. But I'll make it up
to you. Maybe we should try again,
you know... to have a baby.
She rolls her eyes at this... changes the subject.
LANA
So what's in the box?
NED
Oh... I brought you a present!
He hands it to her. She opens it, looks in. She looks up,
struggling unsuccessfully to hide a look of displeasure.
LANA
What is it?
NED
It's... sorta like a cat.
Ned pulls out a PET SKUNK and puts it in Lana's lap. She
forces a weak smile.
LANA
Not enough like a cat.
NED
It's a little skunk. I got it at
Birds-and-Skunks-R-Us.
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Lola stands in the pouring rain outside, drenched... staring
at Lana and Ned through the window.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
NED
So... what're you going to name him?
LANA
How about... Ned?
NED
(thinks about it)
Yeah. Got a nice ring to it. I've
always liked the name Ned.
LANA
No kidding.
He puts his arms around them both.
NED
So whatdya think? You love Ned Junior
as much as you love me?
LANA
At least.
The phone RINGS. Lana stands up, unceremoniously dropping
the Skunk into Ned's arms. She goes into...
THE ADJOINING ROOM
...to answer the phone.
LANA
Hello?... Hello?... Hello?
(then, whispering)
Frank? Is that you?
EXT. THE HOUSE - NIGHT
Lola is in a glass telephone booth with venetian blinds and
a ceiling fan. She cracks the blinds open. In the background,
through a window, we can see Lana in the house on the phone.
LANA
(filtered)
I told you not to call. Frank? FRANK!
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Ned enters the cavernous marble rotunda, turns down a hallway
crowded with milling attorneys and defendants. Lola suddenly
intercepts him... a newspaper trailing from her high heel
shoe.
LOLA
Who's Frank?
NED
Frank? The only Frank I know is an
auto mechanic... but I sure as hell
wouldn't recommend the guy. He's
really slow.
He starts to move off, but she stops him, impassioned.
LOLA
I had to see you, Ned. I need to
feel your arms around me! I wanna
suck your toes til the nails pop
off!
Lola's voice ECHOES. BYSTANDERS gather, listening. Ned looks
around self-consciously, embarrassed.
NED
I told you, what happened was a big
mistake. A one night stand. It's
over. I have a wife...
The CROWD presses closer... not missing a thing. A WOMAN
snaps a FLASH PICTURE! A MAN turns on his video camera.
LOLA
It doesn't matter. She'll know all
about us soon anyway. I want YOU! In
my bed... in my arms... in MEEEEEEE!
Mortified, Ned spins on his heels and makes a bee-line for
the safety of the Men's Room. Lola holds up two tickets.
LOLA
I got us tickets to see Iron
Butterfly!
NED
I hate opera!
INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY
Ned bursts in, goes to the urinal... not noticing BEN ARUGULA,
an older gentleman in a business suit, standing at the urinal
next to him. A beat later... Lola enters.
LOLA
Why are you running from me? Didn't
it mean ANYTHING to you?... buffing
my buns with carnuba wax?
(looks down)
Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr. Pokey
want to go exploring?
NED
He's busy right now.
Arugula glances sideways at Ned, curious and uneasy.
NED
Look, I told you... Mr. Pokey made a
big mistake! One lousy mistake in
his whole stinkin' life! So why don't
you give him a BREAK! Besides... he
belongs to my wife!
EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY
Lana FIRES her gun rapidly... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!...
over her shoulder, behind her back, under her leg.
ANGLE ON TARGET
A full-body cut-out of a man, wearing one of Ned's trademark
gray suits. A HUGE SMOKING HOLE has been blown right through
the crotch! Lana smirks, inhales the SMOKE from the gun
barrel... and blows it out.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
TILT DOWN from an official government seal that reads "ARS
GRATIA ARTIS." JUDGE Ben Arugula... the distinguished looking
gentleman from the men's room, sits on the bench. Ned, Laura
and a SLIMY DEFENDANT stand at the defense table.
JUDGE ARUGULA
I'd like to congratulate Mr. Pokey
for setting yet another unusual legal
precedent. This is the first time
I've ever tried a case in which the
JURY was found to be insane.
ANGLE - JURY AND BAILIFF
The BAILIFF is handing out straitjackets to all the JURORS.
The Jury Foreman struggles to get his on and laced up.
BAILIFF
(to another Juror)
What're you? A thirty-eight long?
BACK TO JUDGE ARUGULA
JUDGE ARUGULA
The jury will be remanded to the
Center For Unclear Thinking in Simi
Valley. Court's adjourned.
INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY
The JURY is led from the courtroom in straitjackets and
chains. Ned and Laura follow them out.
NED
Your BIRTHDAY! Today? Why didn't you
tell me?
LAURA
It's not important. I just had one
last year.
NED
Well, I'm taking you out to celebrate!
In the b.g. the Slimy Defendant pulls a gun and forces
CITIZENS... including Judge Arugula... up against the wall,
robbing them!
LAURA
Oh no no! It's no big thing. I'll
have another one sometime.
NED
I insist. And I want to get you a
nice present.
LAURA
You're so sweet. You don't have to.
You gave me a present last year.
Those lovely Ginzu knives.
NED
Yeah... aren't they great! They last
forever. And you can cut right through
a shoe with 'em!
As they walk off, we HOLD ON a CLOSE SHOT of a newspaper.
The headline reads: EX-CON STALKS COP/LAWYER NED RAVINE!
Below it is a picture of Max Shady, eyes wide with psychotic
rage... a huge cigar in his mouth, wearing a garish Hawaiian
shirt.
Hands lower the newspaper... revealing Max himself, with the
same cigar, shirt and crazed look on his face.
INT. LE MISS FASHION BOUTIQUE - DAY - MONTAGE
Laura models hats... each one becoming more outrageous. She
coaxes Ned into joining her. They BOTH try on WOMEN's hats...
smiling and laughing... as "Brown Eyed Girl" plays.
In one of the mirrors, we SEE Max Shady's reflection... as
he also tries on women's hats, watching them, puffing his
cigar.
INT. LE HULA BOWL RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Laura wears a baseball cap with beer cans attached to each
side with long, curved plastic straws. The cap emblem reads
"BEER BIMBO." A price tag hangs from it. She is beaming.
In the b.g., Hawaiian DANCERS juggle flaming torches as they
dance around an ICE SCULPTURE of a Hula Dancer.
NED
It's nice to be off the streets...
away from all the pain and misery
out there.
Ned motions casually toward the world "out there"... sticking
his thumb into the eye of a WAITER who is bending over to
pick up a spoon, setting off a chaotic CHAIN REACTION of
small disasters that finally culminates with someone near
the dance floor bumping into the Torch Juggler, throwing his
rhythm off.
Distracted, he starts catching the FLAMING ENDS of the
torches! OW! OH! YI! OUCH! YIPES!
He drops them all. The Waiter who bumped into him, politely
picks up one of the flaming torches and hands it back to the
Torch Juggler. He grabs the flaming end of the torch... and
lets out a SCREAM!
He lunges toward a voluptuous HULA GIRL ICE SCULPTURE,
grabbing the frozen breasts. His burned hands SIZZLE!
Ned and Laura don't even notice... gazing only at each other.
LAURA (V.O.)
What's he thinking when he looks at
me with that goofy smile...?
NED (V.O.)
Boy, does she look stupid in that
hat.
LAURA (V.O.)
If I told him how I really feel,
he'd probably fire me. What am I
saying? He probably doesn't even
know I exist.
NED (V.O.)
Laura's incredible. And so smart.
Smart enough to recognize that Ginzu
knives are the gift of a lifetime.
(then, concerned)
But she never goes out with guys. I
wonder why?
LAURA (V.O.)
I guess I'll just have to wait. But
he's married. I could wait forever.
Than again... maybe Lana will get
hit by a runaway truck. There's always
a chance that...
NED (V.O.)
(interrupting)
But who cares if she... Oh, sorry.
LAURA (V.O.)
That's alright. I was just rambling.
NED (V.O.)
Go ahead...
LAURA (V.O.)
No, no, really... you first...
NED (V.O.)
I insist... please...
LAURA
Oh, uh... I just wanted to remind
you about...
NED
...the Legal Symposium...
LAURA
...in Santa Barbara...
NED
...tomorrow...
NED & LAURA
(in unison)
..."How To Sue Your Loved Ones."
NED
Yeah. I'm driving up in the morning.
ANGLE - MAX SHADY
sits at a corner table wearing a chic beret from the hat
store, voraciously devouring a huge Hawaiian Pit Roasted
Pig. He wrenches the apple from the Pig's mouth... takes a
huge bite!
BACK TO NED AND LAURA
A saxophone begins to wail "Lola's Theme." Ned looks up, his
eyes drawn to the lounge. He sees...
Lola... striking a sexy pose on a bar stool, eyes locked on
Ned. Dizzy walks thru, behind the bar, playing his sax.
She grabs a handful of cherries from a glass on the bar,
shoves them in her mouth, cheeks bulging, tongue moving
furiously. A moment later, she pulls out a long chain of
inter-locked cherry stems.
Ned reacts, shaken, glancing nervously at Laura. She smiles,
unaware. His eyes flash back to Lola.
LAURA (V.O.)
He's so cute. He can't even look me
in the eye.
Ned's reacts intensely to...
LOLA - NED'S POV
She stretches out sensuously on the bar, executing a series
of humanly impossible erotic gymnastic positions! Then,
wrapping her legs around a brass pole, she spins no-handed...
until her thighs begin to SMOKE!
REVERSE ANGLE - ON ENTIRE ROOM
The eyes of every MALE in the restaurant are riveted on Lola!
CLOSER ON NED AND LAURA
The table starts to rise slowly on Ned's side, glasses sliding
toward Laura. She reaches out to stop them... noticing Ned's
distracted expression.
LAURA
(touching his arm)
What is it, Ned? You can tell me.
NED
(sighs, reluctant)
I'm a man, Laura. And all men feel
passion at one time or another. Even
me.
LAURA
(hopeful)
Really?
NED
What would you think of a married
man who gave in to those wild,
sensual, raging desires?
LAURA
Oh... wow... golly...
She gulps, eyes wide. The DRUMS pound faster as the Dancers
in the b.g. pick up the frenetic tempo!
NED
What if, for just one crazy moment,
he couldn't resist...? He got knocked
for a loop and lost control?
LAURA
(smiles, eager)
Gosh... that might be okay.
Breathless, she breaks a sweat, gasping for air. The DRUMS
beat LOUDER, FASTER. The b.g. Dancers whip into a frenzy!
NED
What if a tidal wave of lust crashed
over him and he was sucked into a
vortex of wild, thrashing urges?
Both of Laura's ballcap beer cans EXPLODE! Beer SPRAYS out
in a huge gush, drenching her! Ned is so preoccupied with
his own dilemma, he doesn't even notice. He heaves a sigh...
pats her hand... smiles philosophically.
NED
Well... it's not your problem. I'll
work it out.
ANGLE - AN ICE PICK
grasped tightly in Lola's hand. She walks toward Ned and
Laura, a seething rage in her eyes.
As she passes the ice sculpture, she stabs the ice pick into
the crystalline Hula Dancer's neck! The head breaks off. She
catches it and keeps coming, tossing the head casually in
one hand, like a basketball.
Lola appears suddenly at Ned and Laura's table. They look
up.
LOLA
(to Laura)
Like some ice for your drink?
She drops the ice Mermaid head. It shatters Laura's glass to
bits! Lola turns to Ned with a cold glare.
LOLA
Does your wife know you're...
"working" late? I certainly hope so,
Mr. Ravine.
She lights her cigarette with the ice pick lighter, then
flips it like a jackknife. It STICKS into Ned's chair, right
between his legs.
Lola flashes a coldly arrogant smile at Laura... then exits.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING
Frank opens the hood to Ned's car, holding a screwdriver in
one hand... a wrench in the other. He doesn't know where to
start.
CLOSE ANGLE - MAX SHADY'S FEET - MORNING
A NEWSBOY tosses a folded newspaper. It lands at Max Shady's
feet. Max picks up the paper, opens it. The headline says:
SHADY READS NEWSPAPER IN FRONT OF RAVINE RESIDENCE! Max looks
around self-consciously, eyes shifting uneasily.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING
Lana stands by the front door. She calls upstairs to Ned.
LANA
Hurry up, darling. You'll be late!
Frank slips in, wearing his greasy overalls. He wipes his
hands on a rag... giving Lana a sly wink.
FRANK
(whispering)
It's all taken care of. When do I
knock on the door?
LANA
Wait until I signal you. When I raise
the blinds... you knock.
She steps over to the blinds and demonstrates. He knocks.
LANA
Not now!
FRANK
Oh, later... right... okay.
She nods, patronizing. Frank exits. Lana picks up the Skunk,
cuddling him. Ned comes down wearing his trademark gray suit.
Lana kisses him passionately... a final farewell.
LANA
Drive carefully, sweetheart. Say bye-
bye to Little Ned. He loves his
daddy... don't you Stink Pot?
NED
(pets the skunk)
See you tonight, Junior.
As soon as Ned closes the door, Lana's smile vanishes and
she casually tosses the Skunk aside with a LOUD CRASH O.C.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING
Ned turns the car key. Nothing. He gets out, opens the hood.
He stares... dumbfounded.
INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING
Ned comes in, visibly upset. Lana acts surprised.
LANA
What's wrong?
NED
This neighborhood is getting worse
all the time! Damn kids stole my
engine!
LANA
Why don't you catch the train to
Santa Barbara? It leaves in twenty
minutes.
NED
I'll just fly up.
LANA
No!
Ned looks at her strangely. She catches herself.
LANA
I mean... you can't. Armed terrorists
seized the airport this morning. A
plane crashed into the tower... and
all the runways are on fire!
NED
Yeah. So?
LANA
And it's fogged in.
NED
(disappointed)
Dammit.
LANA
For my peace of mind... take the
train.
Lana goes to the window, starts to raise the blinds.
NED
I can't do it. You know how I feel
about riding trains.
She stops... letting the blinds drop down.
LANA
Darling... it's only a short trip.
NED
(reconsiders)
Yeah... right. A short trip.
She starts to raise the blinds again. He picks up the phone.
NED
(he hesitates)
A short trip to hell in a metal tomb!
He slams the receiver down. Lana drops the blinds again...
LANA
Just because both your parents died
in a train wreck...
NED
And my brother, Jeff...
LANA
And your brother, Morty...
NED
My two sisters...
LANA
Right...
NED
My best friend, Al... my dog, Woof...
Grandma Rose... and Uncle Lionel.
All killed by trains!
LANA
(very convincing)
Coincidence, Ned. Beside... that's
the past. They're gone.
NED
(sighs, resigned)
Yeah. I guess I can't bring them
back by not riding on a train.
LANA
That's right.
She starts to raise the blinds again...
NED
But I just can't get over this stupid
nagging fear that...
She abandons the blinds, leaving them raised part way...
LANA
Fear! What about our baby, Ned? I
don't want to raise a child in a
home filled with fear!
There's a KNOCK at the door. Lana tugs on the cord and the
blinds drop with a CRASH. The KNOCKING stops. She pretends
it didn't even happen, racing on.
LANA
But if you can conquer your fear...
maybe I can conquer my fear of having
a baby with a father who's fearful.
(goes for broke)
Ned... don't let a train kill our
child before it's even conceived!
NED
(heaves a sigh)
I guess you're right.
She grabs the cord, then hesitates...
LANA
You're sure now...?
A beat. He nods. She quickly pulls the blinds up.
NED
But we'll never make it to the
station. By the time a cab gets
here...
A LOUD KNOCK at the front door. Lana opens it. It's Frank.
FRANK
I was in the neighborhood. Thought
I'd stop by and pick up my tools.
LANA
Frank will drive you. Won't you Frank?
FRANK
Sure, I'll take you to the train
station.
They all freeze. Lana glares at Frank, who is completely
unaware of his faux pas... while Ned tries to figure out why
that response didn't sound right.
INT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY
They climb into the van. Ned nervously checks his watch.
NED
Twelve minutes. We'll never make it.
EXT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY
The CAMERA BOOMS DOWN LOW to reveal Max Shady under the van,
hanging on like a leech, his back only inches from the road.
The van drives off.
INT. FRANK'S VAN - MINUTES LATER
At an intersection... they see a "DETOUR" sign. Frank and
Lana exchange concerned looks. Frank turns the corner. The
van starts vibrating violently, tossing them around.
NED
(checks his watch)
We're not going to make it.
FRANK
We'll make it!
He shifts gears, guns the engine. They rocket ahead, BOUNCING
WILDLY, their heads THUMPING the car roof! The van SPLASHES
through deep water, a huge fantail spraying out on both sides.
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
The train is pulling in. The CAMERA PANS to Frank's muddy
van as it drives up nearby. Frank waits in the van as Ned
and Lana get out and walk toward the train.
They pass a feeble OLD WOMAN struggling to drag a HUGE STEAMER
TRUNK along the platform... inches at a time. A REDCAP passes
her also, carrying a small overnight case for an attractive,
elegantly attired SOCIALITE. Everyone ignores the Old Woman.
Ned looks nervously at the train, already pale.
LANA
Okay... now what're you going to do
if you feel queasy going through the
tunnel?
NED
I'll stand in the vestibule between
the cars.
LANA
That's right. When you get queasy...
go stand in the vestibule between
the cars.
She kisses his cheek. He reluctantly boards the train. Her
smile vanishes.
She hurries back to the next car, nods at Frank, boards the
train. Frank peels off his coveralls, follows her on.
ANGLE - COACH PLATFORM
Laura's Husband steps from the train, holding the deflated
Ninja Turtle float ring. He looks around, then walks toward
the cab stand. The CAMERA MOVES with him, then HOLDS ON...
MAN READING NEWSPAPER - TIGHT SHOT
The headline says: SHADY VOWS BLENDER VENGEANCE ON RAVINE!
Under the headline is a picture of Max Shady... muddy, bloody,
greasy, clothes ripped, cigar shredded... looking off.
The paper lowers, revealing Max... a battered mess, looking
off. He picks up a small violin case and quickly moves toward
the train as it starts to pull out.
We now SEE that the seat of Max's pants has been ripped out,
his naked buttocks scratched and scraped raw by the road.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned stares out the window... apprehensive, nervous.
Frank and Lana enter at the opposite end of the coach. They
spot Ned, quickly ducking into a seat where they can observe
him yet remain hidden from view behind the tall seatbacks.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
Max walks through the car looking for Ned. He pauses, puffing
on his big cigar. A WOMAN PASSENGER looks up and is shocked
to see Max's scraped bare butt hanging out only inches away.
WOMAN PASSENGER
OH! My dear gracious!
Max swivels around to look at her... turning his bare behind
toward an IRRITABLE MAN across the aisle.
IRRITABLE MAN
SIR! Would you PLEASE extinguish
that foul smelling cigar?
MAX
(turning slowly)
You want me to put out my CIGAR? YOU
want me to put out my cigar? You
want ME to put out my CIGAR?
IRRITABLE MAN
Yeah.
MAX
Certainly.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Max enters through the vestibule, without his cigar, stopping
in his tracks when he sees Ned. He smiles to himself, then
ducks back into the lavatory.
INT. LAVATORY - DAY
Max looks at himself in the mirror. He's a disaster. He opens
the violin case, pulling out his trademark "Ned Ravine" gray
suit on a hangar. It's not even wrinkled.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned looks pale... sweating... reacting tensely to every lurch
and bump the train makes. The feeble Old Woman strains to
pull her huge steamer trunk down the aisle, inch by inch,
toward Ned.
ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA
Lana peers over the seat, watching Ned with a cruel smile.
LANA
It's already getting to him. He'll
be out of that seat and into the
vestibule within ten minutes... I
guarantee it.
INT. LAVATORY - DAY
Max is cleaned up, dressed in the suit. He straightens his
tie, slicks his greasy hair back, sticks a big cigar in his
mouth and grins at himself in the mirror.
MAX
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to
ME? You... talkin'... to... ME?
He reaches into the violin case, pulls out a complex
assortment of metal parts, assembling them swiftly. CLICK...
SNAP... CLUNK! It's an incredibly nasty looking high-tech,
automatic weapon with gigantic cartridge clip.
He screws on a long silencer and points the gun at the
ceiling. POOF!... a muffled gunshot! Debris fall around him.
He looks up. He has blown a HOLE through the roof of the
coach.
He adjusts the Silencer Volume Control, which has a scale
from 1 thru 11. He turns it all the way down to "0"... DEAD
SILENT. He pulls the trigger. The gun RECOILS, but there is
absolutely NO SOUND! He has blown another HOLE in the ceiling.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned looks across the aisle to see a GROSS SLOB pulling all
kinds of strange food items from a paper bag, making a big,
sloppy, disgusting SANDWICH that squirts and drips all over.
Ned turns away... really queasy now.
INT. LAVATORY - DAY
Max reaches into the case, pulls out A BLENDER! He plugs it
into the outlet and REVS it a couple times, grinning wickedly.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Max steps out of the lavatory and sees the CONDUCTOR coming
his way collecting tickets. He quickly spins around, slides
the door open and steps into the vestibule between cars.
The Conductor can't get past the Old Woman, so he climbs
over the top of her trunk, with no thought of helping her.
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
Max looks out the side window, trying to conceal the weapon
in front of him. The Conductor enters, sees him.
CONDUCTOR
Ticket?
Without turning, Max holds the ticket up over his shoulder.
The Conductor takes it, punches it, notices the gun barrel.
CONDUCTOR
Sorry pal... automatic weapons are
only allowed in the club car after
nine p.m.
Max turns, raising the gun with a nasty GROWL. The Conductor
casually snaps a baggage tag to the barrel, taking the gun.
CONDUCTOR
I'll check it with baggage. You can
claim it at the depot in Santa
Barbara.
The Conductor drops the weapon into a big mesh bag... along
with a dozen other guns he's collected. He exits. Max whirls
around facing the window, eyes filled with rage. Now what?
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
A gun barrel slowly protrudes between the seats in front of
Frank and Lana. Their eyes widen. Suddenly, a stream of water
hits Frank in the face! He sputters. A LITTLE KID named JEFF
scrambles into the aisle.
JEFF
Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years
old. Didja know if ya put a penny on
the track it'll make the train crash?
No kiddin'! You ever been in a wreck?
My uncle has. Lotsa times. It's really
neat. Everybody gets creamed! All
bloody guts... heads ripped off and
stuff... Hey... wanna hear my song
"Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy
Gopher Guts"?
Lana turns to Frank... inspired. She leans toward Jeff.
LANA
You want to earn a couple bucks,
kid?
ANGLE ON NED
Jeff bounces into the seat across from Ned.
JEFF
Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years
old. Didja know if ya put a penny on
the track it'll make the train crash?
ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA
Lana peers over the seat at Ned. She smiles.
LANA
He's losing it. You better get up to
the next car. Remember, give me the
high sign as soon as you see the
river. It'll be two minutes and nine
seconds past the tunnel. I'll take
care of the rest. Anything goes
wrong... just make sure you back me
up.
(grabs his collar)
And don't let him see you.
Frank gets up, moves down the aisle slowly, eyes on Ned. He
can't squeeze past the Old Woman, who is still struggling to
pull her huge trunk down aisle. So... he climbs right over
the top of it... oblivious to her.
Frank stares at Ned warily as he gets closer. Suddenly, Jeff
squirts a stream of water in Ned's eyes. Frank sees his
chance, rushing past Ned toward the vestibule.
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
Frank races through the vestibule behind Max's back. By the
time Max turns to see who's there... Frank is gone.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned wipes the water from his eyes, blinking. He grabs the
squirt gun away from Jeff, holding it up angrily.
NED
This... is not a toy!
JEFF
Yes it is.
A beat. Ned realizes he's right. Acting tough, he pulls the
plug and drains the water out of the gun, then tosses it
back to Jeff.
Without missing a beat, Jeff drops the empty water magazine
from the grip and jams a full one in... just like loading a
cartridge clip. He smirks, ready for action.
In the aisle next to them, the Old Woman now pulls her trunk
back toward the vestibule. Jeff points the squirt gun at
her. Suddenly, she whips around and SQUIRTS HIM in the face
with her own squirt gun! He sputters!
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
Max stares out the window, still seething. Behind him, the
Old Woman moves into the vestibule, inch by inch, trying to
drag her trunk into the first coach car.
Max turns, sees her struggling and goes to her aid.
MAX
Here... let me help you with that.
He pushes the trunk into the first coach car, then very
politely holds the door open for her. She smiles sweetly at
him as she shuffles through.
OLD WOMAN
What a nice young man. You are so
polite.
MAX
(smiles)
I try to be.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Jeff is SINGING to Ned... to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare."
JEFF
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy
gopher guts... mutilated monkey
meat... chopped up dirty birdie's
feet... one pint jar of all-purpose
porpoise pus... cooked in a Mulligan
stew.
Ned turns queasy. The train lurches. He stiffens.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
The Old Woman has unpacked her huge trunk. She has hung up
clothes... set out a vase with flowers... hung up a big framed
painting... and turned on a floor lamp. She pulls out a set
of dumbbells, pumps them a couple times... and drops them on
the floor with a loud CLUNK!
Frank watches her from his seat across the aisle with a blank
expression... only his eyes moving.
The Conductor punches the Old Woman's ticket, then holds out
his hand, waiting. She pulls out a Smith & Wesson .44
Magnum... drops it in his bag. He waits. She pulls out an
Uzi.
EXT. THE TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY
Up ahead, we see a tunnel approaching.
OMIT
Sequence omitted from original script.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
JEFF
(still singing)
French fried eyeballs and ugly scabs
you wanna pick... stuff to make your
mother sick... dog poop on a stick...
puke and snot all mixed together in
a pot...
Ned is looking very pale and queasy. Suddenly, Jeff jumps
up... presses his face against the window.
JEFF
Oh boy! Here comes the tunnel!
Ned can't take it anymore. He gets up, pale and sweating.
EXT. TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY
...racing toward the tunnel!
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana sees Ned stumble shakily into the aisle, moving toward
the vestibule.
LANA
Way to go, Ned. Right on time.
The train enters the TUNNEL. Everything goes PITCH BLACK. A
few beats, then... LIGHT fills the car again as they emerge
from the tunnel. Lana looks. Ned is gone! She heads down the
aisle.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
The Conductor is still tagging weapons as the Old Woman comes
up with a Ruger Mini 14 machine gun, a Mauser C96 automatic
handgun, a sawed-off double-barreled .12 gauge shotgun...
and an old wooden slingshot.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana looks through the small window into the vestibule and
catches a glimpse of a gray suit. She ducks back, leaning
against the lavatory door.
INT. LAVATORY - THE MIRROR - DAY
Ned's dripping face rises up from the sink into view. He
splashes more water on, trying to overcome his queasiness.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana reaches into her purse, pulls out a gun. She looks
through the vestibule windows into the first coach car, her
eyes searching for Frank.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - LANA'S POV - DAY
Frank pokes his head out into the aisle, looking toward Lana.
He waves at her.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana ducks back, pressing herself against the lavatory door...
gripping the gun, tense.
INT. LAVATORY - DAY
Ned starts to open the door, then stops. He notices the violin
case. Opens it. A couple of bullets roll around inside. Then,
he sees the blender... puzzled.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana leans forward, looking through the vestibule windows,
watching desperately for Frank's signal.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
Frank looks out the window and sees...
EXT. THE RIVER - FRANK'S POV
It looms ahead.
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Lana sees Frank's frantic signal. She raises the gun, pulls
the hammer back and steps quickly into...
INT. THE VESTIBULE - DAY
Max hears someone enter. He stiffens...
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned steps out of the lavatory.
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
Lana FIRES!... blowing a hole right through Max and the window
behind him! She keeps firing! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! More bullets than the gun could ever possibly hold!
INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY
Ned hears the GUNSHOTS and whirls around, looking into the
vestibule through the glass window, just as...
INT. VESTIBLE - DAY
...Max turns to face Lana, filled with bloody bullet holes.
MAX
You shootin' at me?
Shocked to see it's Max, Lana empties the rest of the bullets
into him... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Max is SLAMMED back into
the vestibule door by the impact!
MAX
Yeah... you're definitely shootin'
at me.
She fires one last shot... BLAM!!!
EXT. TRAIN ON BRIDGE - DAY
Max flies out the door, executing a perfect "full gainer
with a triple twist and a half-tuck"... a flawless Olympic
style dive... ending with a dead body "belly flop" into the
water!
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
Frank sees Max hit the river and lets out a loud "WHOOP!"
The Old Woman shoots him a nasty look. He stifles himself.
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
Ned slides the vestibule door open... steps toward Lana. In
a daze, she raises the gun, points it at him, pulling the
trigger... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. He takes the gun from
her gently.
INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY
Frank jumps up, rushing forward. He skids to a stop... seeing
Ned through the glass! Shocked, he ducks back.
INT. VESTIBULE - DAY
NED
In this crazy world, there's not a
whole lot a guy can count on. But
when the chips are down, I can always
count on you.
He takes her hand gently and kisses it...
NED
You risked your life to save mine. A
guy can't ask any more from a woman
than that.
... then, CLICK! He snaps a handcuff on her wrist!
NED
But I saw you shoot him, Lana. In
cold blood. I gotta arrest you for
murder.
LANA
Ned... you wouldn't...
NED
Sorry. I'm a cop. I have a job to
do.
LANA
But... you said it yourself. I saved
your life.
NED
Don't worry, baby. I know a good
lawyer.
SPINNING NEWSPAPER
whirls at us, snapping to a stop in someone's hands... upside
down. The hands turn it rightside up. The headline reads:
"COP ARRESTS WIFE FOR MURDER!... WILL DEFEND HER IN COURT!"
REVERSE ANGLE
The paper lowers, revealing Lola Cain with a gratified smile.
EXT. CITY JAIL - DAY
Ned and Laura move up the steps, surrounded by REPORTERS and
MEDIA PEOPLE. Questions are being fired from all sides.
REPORTER #1
What kind of gun did she use?
NED
That's a question for the arresting
officer.
REPORTER #2
Aren't you the arresting officer?
NED
You'll have to ask her attorney.
REPORTER #1
But aren't you her attorney?
NED
Only her husband can answer that.
REPORTER #3
What will Mrs. Ravine be wearing at
the trial?
Ned stops at the top of the stairs, turning to the Reporters.
NED
A lovely powder blue dress with a
cinch waist, full bodice and a
delicately pleated skirt.
REPORTER #3
Does it have a matching jacket?
NED
No comment.
REPORTER #3
Is it cotton or rayon?
NED
(perturbed)
I said... NO COMMENT!
Ned and Laura turn and enter the building.
REPORTER #1
(calling out)
Did she eat any of the victim's body
parts?
INT. CITY JAIL BUILDING - ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY
NED
Jeez... they're really throwing some
tough questions out there today.
LAURA
They're just doing their job.
NED
Yeah... well I call it a "high-tech
lynching of an uppity white
housewife."
INT. CAVERNOUS ROOM - DAY
It's huge, dark and shadowy. More than a dozen heavily armed
POLICE OFFICERS stand guard all around the perimeter. In the
center is a cell constructed of iron bars, like an animal
cage. Ned and Laura enter. Arch steps over.
NED
(seeing the cage)
What's this?
ARCH
Only cell available. They had that
serial killer locked up here... you
know, the one who talks his victims
to death then eats them... Hannibal
the Lecturer. But they let him out
for a three week tour to publicize
his new book.
Arch hands him a hardbound book.
NED
(reading the cover)
"To Serve Man."
ARCH
It's a cookbook.
Ned flips it over.
ANGLE - THE BOOK - NED'S POV
On the back is a picture of HANNIBAL THE LECTURER... wearing
a baseball catcher's mask with barbed wire over the mouth.
BACK TO SCENE
ARCH
And look, look... he autographed it.
Arch pulls the front cover of the book open, pointing.
NED
(reads it)
To Arch... Love to have you for dinner
sometime... Hannibal.
(hands it back)
Very nice.
Arch points toward the cage.
ARCH
They're waiting for ya. They didn't
want to start without her attorney
being present.
CLOSE ON LANA - CANTED ANGLE
There's a BIG MOTH on her mouth. The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY.
A beat... she spits the moth off, irritated.
LANA
PFFFTT! Damn moths! This place could
use a good exterminator.
Three POLICE INVESTIGATORS sit opposite Lana at a long table.
Moths flutter everywhere.
INVESTIGATOR # 2
(to Police Guard)
Let's get the SWAT Team in here.
Ned, Laura and Arch enter the cage as the Guard exits.
LANA
Can't you get me out of this cage,
Ned? I'm goin' buggy in here.
NED
Judge said no bail. Don't worry.
Just tell the truth, you'll be fine.
He turns to the Investigators.
NED
Who's gonna handle the interrogation?
INVESTIGATOR 1
It's your collar... your bust...
your call... your show... your play...
your move... your wife...
NED
Okay, okay!... I'll handle it.
Laura sits at the far end of the table and opens her notebook.
Lana pulls out her mirrored compact, starts to apply lipstick.
INVESTIGATOR 2
Sorry Mrs. Ravine... there's no makeup
allowed in this building.
He nods toward a warning sign: a circle around a LIPSTICK
with a diagonal line thru it. She responds, cool, confident.
LANA
What're you gonna do... arrest me
for primping?
In the b.g., members of the SWAT Team desperately swat at
the fluttering moths.
Ned spins his chair around, plants one foot on it, leans on
his knee, looking hard at Lana.
NED
Don't give us a tough time. Just
spill it! What were you doing on
that train?
LANA
Well...
Ned raises his hand, sits down, leans close, changing his
tone.
NED
(confidential)
As your attorney, I must advise you...
you don't have to answer that
question.
Ned stands, paces, agitated... plants his foot on the chair
again. He leans toward her... getting tough again.
NED
Alright, quit playing games with us!
(fires questions)
Who put ya up to it? Where'd you get
the gun? What's your link with the
CIA?
LANA
I...
Ned jumps in, motioning with his hands for this to stop.
NED
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's it! I
will not tolerate this unwarranted
badgering of my client. She'll have
her day in court, gentlemen.
He slams his briefcase shut and turns to Lana, sincere.
NED
I want to thank you, Mrs. Ravine,
for being so cooperative with these
gentlemen.
(turns to Laura)
Did you get all that down, Laura.
Every word she said?
LAURA
Yep. Both of 'em.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY
The CAMERA MOVES IN to a wire mesh cage at the very back of
the yard. A small sign on it says: NED JUNIOR. The door is
open. The cage is... empty!
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY
Lola rides the roller coaster with Lana's pet Skunk. She
LAUGHS maniacally as they plunge down a steep grade!
The Skunk stands stiffly on her lap, his paws planted on the
guard rail, eyes bulging out!... his fur standing straight
up!
INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY
Ned hesitates at the front door. It's open a crack. He moves
inside cautiously. There is a strange BUBBLING SOUND coming
from the kitchen. He moves toward it... apprehensive.
He enters the kitchen and SEES... a huge bubbling pot on the
stove, foam spilling over from under the lid! His mind reels!
He charges out the back door.
EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - DAY
Ned bursts out the back door... CAMERA TRACKING with his
feet as he dashes across the huge back yard... MUSIC POUNDING!
He SEES the EMPTY animal cage! The door is open. A fuzzy
blanket hangs halfway out.
Shocked, Ned spins around... running back toward the house...
CAMERA TRACKING HIS FEET, struggling to keep up. The CAMERA
SLAMS into a tree!... CRACKING the LENS!
INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - DAY
Ned bursts in... SEES the bubbling pot!... a huge butcher
knife on the counter!... and LOLA, arms outstretched to greet
him.
NED
NO!
LOLA
Yes.
NED
NOOOOO!
LOLA
Yes!
NED
NOOOOOOOooooooo!!!
She whips the cover off the bubbling pot.
LOLA
YES! Cappelini pomodoro!
NED
What?
She lifts up pasta with a spaghetti spoon... tossing a sprig
of basil into the pot from the basil-leaf crown she wears.
LOLA
Pasta with tomato sauce. Whatsa matta?
You don't like Italian?
NED
Where's Ned Junior? WHERE IS HE?!
LOLA
I thought he might like to get out,
so I took him to the amusement park.
He grabs Lola's arm and drags her toward the front door.
NED
You can't just break into my house,
cook my food... borrow my skunk!
(opens the door)
Leave me alone. Stay out of my face!
Out of my neighborhood! Out of my
LIFE!
She steps outside... turns to him.
LOLA
You haven't seen the last of me,
Ned.
He SLAMS the door in her face... hesitates a beat, curious...
then pulls the door open. Lola's still there.
LOLA
I told you.
Ned SLAMS the door again.
EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY
It's a media circus! Vendors sell "TRIAL BALLOON" balloons.
PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS cluster around a squad of CHEERLEADERS
wearing sweaters emblazoned with "FREE LANA OR BUST!" across
their chests.
They perform a rousing CHEER in front of a sign on the
building that reads... "LE COURTHOUSE".
CHEERLEADERS
(with choreography)
Lana, Lana, she's the one Shot a bad
guy with a gun Blew that sucker off
a train Some guys are a friggin'
pain YaaaaaAAAAAAAAY LANA!
A BBC COMMENTATOR speaks to a TV camera.
COMMENTATOR
Once again, Americans are making a
mockery of their courts, turning a
murder trial into a media circus!
How can justice ever prevail when it
is ridiculed and reviled in such a
heinously revolting manner? This is
Clement Von Franckenstein returning
you to our BBC studios in London for
the latest photographs of Lady Di
naked in the bath.
Ned and Laura push their way through the crush of REPORTERS.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Spectators pour through several turnstiles, shoving in their
tokens. TV cameras have been set up to broadcast the trial.
A UNIFORMED THEATER USHER escorts JURY MEMBERS in, checks
their tickets, hands them programs and directs them to their
seats.
Ned and Laura sit at the defense table, next to Lana... who
is oblivious to everything, deeply engrossed in a pocket
video game. Ned looks toward the gallery and does a disturbed
take.
It's Lola!... sitting in the back row wearing a tailored
suit, large brimmed hat with dark veil... and a SKUNK SKIN
STOLE draped around her shoulders!
Dizzy sits next to her, playing softly on a MUTED SAX.
ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH
A SPORTSCASTER delivers play-by-play of the action.
SPORTSCASTER
What a great day for a trial! We
have lots of incandescent lighting,
seventy-two degrees inside... and no
wind!
ANGLE - COURTROOM
BAILIFF
Oy vay! Oy vay! Superior Court of
Los Angeles is now in session. And
here he is... direct from a triumphant
one-week engagement in Las Vegas
Circuit Court... the honorable...
the venerable... the totally
irrepressible... Judge Harlan Skan-
kyyyyyyy!
Flashing "APPLAUSE" signs and flashing "ALL RISE" audience
prompters. Everyone gives the Judge a standing ovation.
ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH
SPORTSCASTER
Wow... has this defense team been
HOT! Thirty-seven straight victories
this year! Let's go down for the
coin toss.
ANGLE - COURTROOM
The Bailiff flips a coin, motions to the PROSECUTOR.
SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)
The Prosecution wins the flip of the
coin and elects to kick things off.
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
The PROSECUTOR delivers her impassioned opening statement.
PROSECUTOR
...the prosecution will prove that
this repulsive and degenerate woman
coldly murdered a decent, law-abiding
citizen...
NED
(jumps up)
Objection! Move to strike. Hearsay,
irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca-
doody poo-poo...
JUDGE SKANKY
Sustained.
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
Laura is on the stand. Ned hands her a sheet of paper.
NED
And can you tell us what this is?
LAURA
Yes. It's a death threat that Max
Shady FAXED to you on the day he was
released from prison.
Ned snatches it back, pacing, folding it into a paper
airplane.
NED
A FAX in which he threatened to puree
certain parts of my anatomy in a
blender! I'd like to submit this
into evidence.
PROSECUTOR
(jumps up)
Objection! Who cares about the FAX
in this case?
JUDGE SKANKY
I'll allow it.
Ned sails the paper plane toward the COURT CLERK, who is at
an evidence table already piled high with tagged guns,
appliances, knickknacks, auto parts and other junk.
The plane sails toward an open window. The Clerk grabs it...
going OUT the window with the plane!
EXT. COURTHOUSE LAWN - DAY
The Cheerleaders lead the SPECTATORS in an exuberant CHEER.
CHEERLEADERS
U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi!
You're ugly! Yeah, you're ugly! M-A-
M-A! How you think you got that way?
Your Mama! Yeah, your Mama!
In the b.g., the Court Clerk plummets to the ground, then
staggers to his feet, and stumbles... dazed... back toward
the courthouse.
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
One of the JURORS watches a "DICK VAN DYKE" re-run on a small
portable TV monitors, oblivious to the testimony. In the
b.g., the battered Clerk stumbles back in with the paper
plane. The Conductor is on the stand. Ned holds up a BLENDER.
NED
And is this the blender you found in
the lavatory of the train?
CONDUCTOR
Yes... it is.
NED
I'd like this marked as evidence.
The Bailiff reaches out, Ned waves him off... instead, tossing
the blender over several heads to the Court Clerk... who
runs to catch it, CRASHING into the wall. The blender falls,
SHATTERS.
ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH
SPORTSCASTER
Awwwww... a bad call by Ravine. Let's
check out the re-play.
On the RE-PLAY SCREEN we see the action repeated in SLOW
MOTION as the Sportscaster draws lines, circles, x's and
squiggles.
SPORTSCASTER
Look at THAT! The Bailiff is wide
open! But instead of handing it off,
Ravine goes for the long bomb. Ohhhh!
The pass is wide! A real wobbler!
There's no way! He scrambles, but he
just can't get his hands on it...
And RIGHT THERE!...
(freezes the frame)
...WHAM! That blender is gone!
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
At the defense table, Laura glances over at Lana, who is
casually browsing through a copy of GALS & GUNS magazine.
Laura reacts, then, trying to be as diplomatic as possible...
LAURA
Ned... did you ever consider that
maybe you don't know women as well
as you think you do?
PROSECUTOR (O.S.)
Now would you tell the court, in
your own words, what you said to Mr.
Ravine?
They both look toward the witness stand. Ned is shaken.
NED
(whispers)
I'm really worried about this guy.
He could blow our whole case right
out of the water.
ANGLE - WITNESS STAND - MOMENTS LATER
Jeff, the little boy from the train is on the witness stand.
The Prosecutor stands by, listening as...
JEFF
(singing)
Great green gobs of greasy grimy
gopher guts... mutilated monkey
meat... itsy-bitsy birdie feet...
Great green gobs of greasy grimy
gopher guts... and me without a spoon!
The JURORS turn pale and reach for the air sickness bags in
front of them. The Courtroom erupts. The Judge pounds his
gavel LOUDLY.
JEFF
(pointing at Lana)
That lady paid me two bucks to sing
it to him...!
But NO ONE hears this in all the confusion. The Judge, also
looking ill now, bangs his gavel again.
JUDGE SKANKY
Recess! Ten minutes!
EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
The Judge, Jury, Attorneys and Spectators are all playing on
the swings, teeter-totters, monkey bars... having a blast!
Ned and the Prosecutor play "dodge-ball." Laura cheers Ned
on. The Prosecutor rockets the ball at Ned... and just misses!
PROSECUTOR
Gotcha, dork face! Gotcha, gotcha!
LAURA
No you didn't!
NED
No way! Uh-uh! Missed by a mile!
The BAILIFF steps into CLOSE UP, blowing a whistle loudly!
BAILIFF
Recess is over! Let's go... move it,
move it, move it!
INT. BROADCAST BOOTH - LATER
Marching band MUSIC fades off-screen.
SPORTSCASTER
There they go... the UCLA Marching
Band! And now... Holy Toledo!... it
looks like the victim's mother...
Helen Shady... is gonna take the
stand! This will be the first
defensive play of the afternoon.
INT. COURTROOM - SAME TIME
Mrs. Shady is on the stand. Ned paces.
NED
Mrs. Shady... would you tell us about
your son, Max. Was he a... a good
boy?
MRS. SHADY
He was the best. And that's not just
a mother talking. You can ask anybody.
NED
But he got into trouble once in
awhile... like all kids do?
MRS. SHADY
Well, you know, pranks. Little jokes
and things. But he was so cute. I
have pictures!
She reaches down into her huge purse, pulling out a photo
album. She opens it, showing Ned.
MRS. SHADY
Here. This is when he set the cat on
fire...
(then, assuring him)
Oh... but the cat deserved it.
NED
(looks, points)
And what, uh... what are these...?
MRS. SHADY
Marshmallows. He just loved to toast
marshmallows over a roaring cat.
Burned on the outside... all soft in
the middle.
(turns page)
And right here... this was taken on
the day he left the priesthood to
join the Green Berets.
ANGLE - THE JURY
They rise slowly out of their seats, craning their necks,
trying to see the photos.
BACK TO SCENE
Ned is now seated next to Mrs. Shady in the witness box,
looking at the photo album with her. Judge Skanky peers over
the side of the bench.
NED
This is cute.
MRS. SHADY
(laughs, delighted)
Oh yes! That was during his Ku Klux
Klan phase. He would take the sheets
right off my bed... cut those little
holes in them. What a stitch he was!
ANGLE - THE SPECTATORS
are now on their feet, all straining to catch a glimpse of
the photos in the album.
BACK TO SCENE
NED
And is this Max... with all the
tools... fixing his bike?
She snatches the photo out of the album.
MRS. SHADY
Why that shouldn't even be in there!
It's his rotten little half-brother.
(rips up photo)
Stinkin' little pecker... he never
was any good...
ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH
The Sportscaster is pushing his face against the broadcast
booth glass, trying to see what everyone's looking at.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS. SHADY
(points at another)
Oh! I didn't like these neo-Nazi
boys. They were all so fussy and
persnickety about everything. Heil
this and heil that.
(flips the page)
Oh look... here's Max with his
chainsaw. He loved to go to the
national park and cut down those
giant old trees. It made him feel so
patriotic. You know, if he hadn't
been such a successful criminal... I
think he would have been a lumberjack.
The Court Clerk, Bailiff and Court Recorder have all moved
around behind the witness stand, peering over Mrs. Shady's
shoulder at the photos.
MRS. SHADY
(tearful, angry)
But now he'll never be anything! Not
since...
(stands up, points)
...that woman, your wife, pulled the
trigger and put my little Max in his
grave!
JUDGE SKANKY
Mrs. Shady! Do not POINT your finger
in my courtroom. It's discourteous,
impolite and disrespectful.
MRS. SHADY
Don't you tell me what to do with my
finger! It's been more places than
you've ever dreamed of!
JUDGE SKANKY
(bangs gavel)
Sit down!
MRS. SHADY
I'll point my finger wherever I want!
Mrs. Shady goes berserk... leaping from the witness stand,
pointing several different fingers at Judge Skanky.
The Bailiff attempts to restrain her, but she breaks free...
scurrying around the courtroom, pointing fingers at everyone!
CHAOS prevails!
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
The Irritable Man from the train is on the stand... Max's
huge cigar stuck in his ear! The hair around his ear is
scorched.
NED
Did you encounter the victim... Max
Shady... on board the train?
IRRITABLE MAN
Yeah. And I told him... "this is the
NO SMOKING car! Would you please put
out your damn cigar!"
NED
And is that the cigar in your ear?
The Man strains to see the cigar out of the corner of his
eye. Impatient, Ned finally holds up a small pocket mirror.
IRRITABLE MAN
I believe it is.
NED
I'd like the cigar and the head of
this witness entered into evidence.
The Bailiff picks up the Irritable Man and dumps him on the
evidence table, where he is tagged by the Court Clerk.
NED
The defense calls... Lana Ravine!
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
Lana is on the stand. The Bailiff swears her in.
BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth
so help you God?
LANA
(looks to Judge)
Do I have to answer that, Harlan?
JUDGE SKANKY
No, no dear. I'll vouch for her.
Ned approaches.
NED
Now, Mrs. Ravine... may I call you
Lana?
LANA
No. Call me Angel Tits.
PROSECUTOR
I object!
JUDGE SKANKY
Sustained. Counselor... you will
address Angel Tits as Mrs. Ravine.
NED
(after a beat)
Mrs. Ravine... would you please tell
the court... what were you doing on
that train?
LANA
I saw Max Shady at the station...
saw him get on board. I knew he'd
made threats to kill you and mutilate
your reproductive organs...
Ned and EVERY MALE in the courtroom winces at this, doubling
over in imagined agony. Lana pauses, then continues...
LANA
...so I got on the train too... so I
could warn you.
NED
Do you want to have children?
LANA
Someday. With the right man.
NED
But you couldn't have children if
my...
(makes a gesture)
...were...
(another gesture)
...and, uh...
LANA
It would be difficult.
NED
So you followed him, knowing you had
to protect me... your husband...
your best friend... the man you
love... the future father of your
children.
LANA
Something like that.
NED
And when you saw that maniac standing
in the vestibule, waiting to pulverize
my pee-pee... you pulled the gun and
fired and fired and FIRED!
LANA
And fired and fired and fired and
fired and fired and fired and fired...
She pauses to count off on her fingers, then...
LANA
...and fired and fired and fired.
NED
The defense rests, your Honor.
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
The COURTROOM ARTIST has been sketching intensely throughout
the trial. We finally see... he's been sketching a BOWL OF
FRUIT on the Court Recorder's desk. Ned picks up some fruit
from the bowl and approaches the defense table.
NED
How can you convict a courageous
woman who risked everything to save
the life of her beloved husband? A
woman who acted boldly to stop a
demented maniac from doing THIS!...
Ned shoves the BANANA and two PLUMS into a demonstration
blender on the defense table. He hits the puree button and
the blender WHIRRS loudly!
NED
(shouts over)
...pulverizing the private parts of
the man she loves!
All MALES in the courtroom react with pained expressions,
cringing and doubling-over. Ned turns the blender off.
NED
(directly to Jury)
Lana Ravine is a loving wife and the
potential mother of my potential
child. I challenge YOU to strike a
blow for motherhood and the American
justice system! Put the "con" back
in the Constitution. Put the "ju"
back in jurisprudence. Put the "can"
back in American. And put the "dom"
back in freedom. Find this woman
INNOCENT!... so we can all go to bed
happy tonight!
INT. PRESS ROOM - LATER
A REPORTER opens the door marked PRESS ROOM. Inside, a DOZEN
REPORTERS press their pants on a dozen ironing boards.
REPORTER
The jury's back!
The Reporters scramble for the door, pulling their pants on!
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
The CAMERA FOLLOWS a folded piece of paper as the Jurors
pass it along to the FOREMAN... who hands it to the Bailiff...
who hands it to the Judge. He unfolds it, reads it... then
winks flirtatiously at the FEMALE JUROR who wrote it. She
blushes.
JUDGE SKANKY
(back to business)
So... has the jury reached a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN
(stands up)
Yes we have, your Honor.
JUDGE SKANKY
How do you find the defendant... on
the count of manslaughter?
JURY FOREMAN
Not guilty.
JUDGE SKANKY
On the count of murder in the first
degree?
JURY FOREMAN
Not guilty.
JUDGE SKANKY
On the Count of Monte Cristo?
JURY FOREMAN
Not guilty.
A BOISTEROUS CLAMOR in the court. The electronic signs FLASH
"NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"
JUDGE SKANKY
Good. Then on the count of three,
let's all get the hell out of here!
One... two...
The Jury and Spectators start to rise. The Judge hesitates,
gavel poised, shooting them a warning look.
JUDGE SKANKY
Wait... for... it...
Everyone FREEZES halfway out of their seats... waiting.
JUDGE SKANKY
Two and a half... THREE!
He smacks his gavel. Everyone scatters for the doors, but
Judge Skanky beats them out of the room.
Lana turns cool, dropping her courtroom facade. She plucks
off her earrings, unbuttons the neck of her dress, reaches
in and magically pulls out her bra, tossing it away.
LANA
Well, counselor, looks like you won
another case. Lucky for me.
TWO LEGAL AIDES sneak up behind Ned and dump a big plastic
barrel of Gatorade cans over his head!
BAILIFF (O.S.)
(over P. A. system)
Attention courtroom shoppers! All
trial evidence now on sale. Forty to
sixty percent off all exhibits!
Everything must go!
They turn to SEE: Spectators and Jurors browse through the
clutter of junk in front of the Court Clerk on the evidence
table. An IRRITABLE WOMAN claims the Irritable Man, grabbing
the cigar from his ear and throwing it down.
IRRITABLE WOMAN
I told you, Bernard... smoking cigars
is bad for your hearing!
She pulls him away as Lana steps up, with a cigarette dangling
from her lips. Lana picks up her gun and spins the cylinder.
It's loaded. The battered Court Clerk limps over, smiling.
COURT CLERK
Mrs. Ravine! What can I do for ya?
LANA
How much for my gun?
Laura sees this... turns to Ned with a look of shock.
LAURA
I don't believe it! She just bought
her gun back! The gun she used to
kill a man!
Ned looks off toward Lana with admiration.
NED
Yeah... the same gun that saved my
life. I'm sure it has sentimental
value.
As Lana wades into the crowd of REPORTERS, some still without
pants, the CAMERA MOVES TO Lola, who is watching Lana from
the back of the courtroom.
Lola pulls a small cord hanging from the side of her hat...
opening her veil like window drapes. She's not happy.
INT. FRANK'S GARAGE - DAY
Frank lays on a mechanic's "creeper", working under a car.
Lana steps between his feet. He hears her and rolls out, his
crotch sliding to a stop against her legs. He looks up,
covered with black grease.
FRANK
So... you did it. Ya beat the rap.
LANA
No thanks to you.
He gets to his feet, cocky.
FRANK
Hey... I knew he'd spring ya.
She walks toward him, her voice cold, accusing. He backs up.
LANA
You didn't lift a finger, Frank. You
let me take all the heat.
FRANK
Heeeee-eeey... what could I do?
Lana pulls the gun from her purse, pointing it at him.
LANA
You were gonna let me rot in the
slammer... never say a thing.
FRANK
Look... you're out... free. Now we're
together. That's what counts. We can
try again! Forget triple indemnity.
We'll whack him and split three mil.
LANA
I'm not splitting anything, Frank.
(cocks the gun)
And you know too much.
FRANK
(arrogant)
Come on, Lana. You're not gonna shoot
me.
He brashly turns his back to her, putting some tools away.
She sees a huge electric powered SCREWDRIVER on the workbench
next to her, smiling diabolically. She lowers the gun.
LANA
You're right.
(then, seductive)
Maybe I'll just screw you to death.
He laughs arrogantly... starts to unbutton his shirt.
FRANK
Now you're talkin' baby.
EXT. THE GARAGE WINDOW - DAY
We see Lana's SILHOUETTE on the window as she raises the big
power screwdriver and turns it on. WHIRR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!
The CAMERA WHIPS AROUND and PUSHES IN TO...
LOLA
watching the murder from her car. There is a... FLASH! Then
another! And another! We are...
INT. THE GARAGE - LATER
A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER takes FLASH pictures of the crime scene.
The CORONER, COPS, FORENSIC MEN... all do their thing. Ned
and Arch amble in, looking around. Arch is eating Nachos.
FORENSIC MAN
Watch your step, guys. There's a lot
of blood.
Throughout this scene, in the b.g., the milling COPS and
INVESTIGATORS slip on all the blood, as if on slick ice, and
fall out of frame, their arms and legs flailing helplessly!
One of the Coroner's INVESTIGATORS approaches Arch and Ned.
INVESTIGATOR
Looks like a suicide. We found a
note.
He holds up a rolled piece of paper with a pair of tweezers.
Ned takes it, trying to unroll it.
INVESTIGATOR
It was stuck up his nose.
Ned hands it off to Arch, who casually unrolls it. The
Investigator slips, arms waving, and falls out of frame.
ARCH
(reading it)
"I can't take it anymore. I'm a
mediocre mechanic... and a lousy
lover."
NED
He's sure got that right.
Arch gives Ned a very strange look. Ned feels his stare.
NED
The "mechanic" part, I mean.
In the b.g., various COPS pair up to have their pictures
taken by the Police Crime Scene Photographer... posing,
grinning.
NED
(stares at the body)
I don't know why, Arch, but I just
can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't
suicide.
THE CAMERA MOVES
behind Ned on his line, revealing Frank... pinned to the
wall by the power screwdriver stuck in his back! It's still
running... vibrating with a GRINDING HUM.
Ned reaches out and turns the screwdriver OFF.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY
Ned enters, pausing. He hears VOICES. He goes to the living
room. Lana and Lola turn to see him in the doorway. He is
shocked. Lana looks shaken. But Lola is cool... in control.
LANA
Oh... uh, Ned... This is Lola, um...
NED
(nervous, defensive)
Um? She told you her name was Um?
And what other lies did she tell
you? I've never seen this woman in
my life! Never followed her home!
Never had sex with her in the
refrigerator! It's all a sick
fantasy... and I deny everything!
He turns to Lola.
NED
When will women like you learn, you
can't tear apart a perfectly good
marriage with your vicious lies...
Miss UMMMM!
LOLA
Actually... it's Smith. Lola Smith.
I sell vacuum cleaners, Mr. Ravine.
The big powerful kind that suck up
everything in sight. I was just
telling your wife, if she wants to
get rid of all her dirt, she has to
be willing to pay the price.
She turns to Lana with a cold and contemptuous glare.
LOLA
Let me know what you decide, Mrs.
Ravine. I'm sure we can work out a
convenient "payment" plan. A pleasure
meeting you... Ned.
Lola exits. As soon as the door closes, Lana whirls around
in a fury!... SMASHING a lamp! She SHRIEKS furiously!
LANA
I... hate... SALESMEN!
He puts his arms around her, comforting.
NED
I know it's been a tough ordeal...
with the trial and everything. Tell
you what... let's take a trip.
LANA
A trip?
NED
Yeah. Just the two of us.
LANA
(darkly inspired)
I like that. Just you and me... all
alone. I'll start packing.
NED
Great. Listen... I got something to
take care of. I'll be back in awhile.
He kisses her and exits. Lana turns to look up toward the
landing, a vengefully insane smile clouding her face.
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DUSK
A demanding KNOCK at the door. Lola hesitates at the door.
LOLA
Who is it?
The door CRASHES OPEN! Ned is silhouetted in the doorway. He
looks really pissed! Lola turns and runs. Ned sprints after
her, leaping through the air... bringing her down with a
tackle!
NED
I just want to talk.
LOLA
Why didn't you say so?
Her foot shoots out, smashing him right in the face... WHAM!
She jumps up and scrambles away. Ned pursues her. She grabs
a bottle of scotch from the counter, spins around.
LOLA
Would you like a drink?
She throws the bottle! He ducks and it shatters on the wall!
NED
No thanks. I'm driving.
She whirls on one foot, nailing him in the head with a FLYING
SPIN KICK! He stumbles back, dazed. She grabs an ice pick.
LOLA
Then let's get to the point!
Lola charges! Ned rolls onto his back, jamming both feet
into her stomach, heaving her up over him... thru the air!
She SLAMS into the wall!... then slowly turns... still cool
and collected. She raises a cigarette... lights it with the
ice pick "lighter."
LOLA
So what's your problem, tough guy?
NED
Stay away from my life, my wife, my
home and my pets! I'm taking Lana on
a vacation and when I come back, I
don't ever want to see your face
again!
He shoves her against the wall... the cigarette flying away.
LOLA
(shocked)
A VACATION! She doesn't deserve a
VACATION! She's a brat! A bad girl!
She always was and always will be!
He grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her.
NED
What are you talking about? You don't
know anything about Lana?
LOLA
I know EVERYTHING!
NED
(shakes her hard)
How do you know her? Who is she to
you? TELL ME!
She clams up. He slaps her.
NED
Who is she!
LOLA
She's your wife!
NED
(slaps her again!)
Who is she!?
LOLA
She's my sister!
NED
(slaps her again)
Liar! Who is she?
LOLA
She's your wife!
He raises his hand to slap her hard.
NED
WHO IS SHE!
She SLAPS him!
LOLA
She's my sister!
She continues to slap him... back and forth... repeating her
answers... "She's your wife"... "She's my sister!"... "Your
wife!"... "My sister!"... "Wife!"... "Sister!"
He reaches a boiling point, raising two fingers, preparing
to give her the Three Stooges "two-fingered eye poke." She
blocks it with her hand and shoves him away. Then, she
executes a perfect Three Stooges "wiggly-hand head slap",
telling him...
LOLA
She's your wife... AND my sister!
Ned is stunned. MUSIC THUNDERS dramatically! Lana clicks the
stereo off. The MUSIC STOPS.
LOLA
She was spoiled rotten! She stole
everything I ever had. Everything!
Including him.
NED
Him? Who, him?
LOLA
Dwayne. The boy's gym teacher. He
was older. So mature... so strong.
He smelled like dirty sweat socks
and old basketballs. And he was all
mine. For awhile.
(turning bitter)
But Lana wasn't satisfied with her
own things. She had to have mine
too. She took it all... my makeup,
my sweaters, my shoes, my underwear...
NED
You wore the same clothes?
LOLA
We were identical twins.
NED
What're you talking about? You two
don't look anything alike.
LOLA
Not anymore. One day I caught her
stealing my lavender eye shadow and
she smashed my face in with a shovel.
I had fifty-three operations. When
the doctors were finished with me...
I looked like THIS! I'm ugly. UGLY!
NED
You're beautiful.
LOLA
Don't lie to me.
NED
They did a terrific job!
LOLA
I look in the mirror. I can SEE!
NED
But... you're gorgeous!
LOLA
Tell that to Dwayne. When he saw my
face, he left me for HER... because
she looked more like me than I did!
First she stole my looks... then she
stole the only man who ever loved
me!
She comes toward him... feeling in control once more.
LOLA
But I found a way to get even. The
best revenge possible. Destroy her
marriage!
NED
That's why you did all this? Seduced
me... harrassed me... the tape...
the flowers... the phone calls...
LOLA
You been hangin' out with Dick Tracy,
haven't ya?
NED
It won't work. Lana loves me.
LOLA
It doesn't matter. I'm blackmailing
her for everything she's worth. She
murdered that greasy auto mechanic.
I saw her do it.
NED
(stunned)
Lana killed Frank Kelbo?
LOLA
(also stunned)
Kelbo! His name was Kelbo?
NED
Yeah. Why? Did he burn you on car
repairs too?
LOLA
Dwayne's name was Kelbo. He had a
son. Frankie Kelbo.
INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT
Ned wanders to his car, climbs in, sits there... stunned.
NED (V.O.)
The pieces of the puzzle were falling
into place and I didn't like the
picture they were making. If Lana
really killed Frank Kelbo, then I
had misjudged her by a mile. Sure...
he was a lousy mechanic. But murder?
Ned rubs his temples, shuts his eyes.
NED (V.O.)
It was all starting to give me a
headache bigger than the national
deficit.
INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo. Lola sits on the
floor by an end table, eyes dazed, staring blankly. A lamp
with a "clapper" switch sits on the table.
As the CAMERA MOVES IN SLOWLY to her, she absently "claps"
the light off... then on... then off... then on... then off...
INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
CLOSE ON female hands using a keyhole saw to cut through a
railing on the second floor landing above the foyer.
Outside... the SOUND of a car... headlights! The sawing stops.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Ned pulls up. The house is dark and ominous. So is the MUSIC.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The front door is open a crack. He cautiously pushes it and
the door CR-E-A-K-S open very slowly. The door STOPS, but
the LOUD CREAKING continues. Ned touches it lightly with the
tip of his finger. The CREAKING STOPS.
NED
Lana?
Ned moves up the stairs. The CAMERA BOOMS UP with him, HOLDING
ON an ECU of the partially severed railing.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Ned enters. Hot water gushes from the faucet into a clawfoot
bathtub. He turns the water off, looking around, puzzled.
Loosens his tie, rubs his head. A splitting headache. Opens
the medicine cabinet and... SCREECH! YEOW! CRASH! A CAT leaps
out!... darts away. There's a NOISE from downstairs.
INT. THE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Someone is POUNDING on the door. Ned enters and opens it.
It's Laura.
LAURA
Ned! I'm glad you're here. I have so
much to tell you.
NED
Come on in. I'll make some tea. Grab
a chair.
LAURA
Thanks... I brought my own.
She drags a chair in behind her, sits at the kitchen table.
Ned puts a kettle on the burner, turns it on. He starts
searching through the cupboard for teabags.
NED
So... what have you got?
LAURA
A lottery ticket and a laundry
receipt.
(lays them on table)
I found them in the pocket of that
suit you wore the night you were
working under cover with a client.
Ned freezes, staring out the window, unable to face her.
LAURA
You remember that night, don't ya
Ned? Then it hit me. Lottery starts
with L-O. Laundry starts with L-A. L-
O... L-A. Lola.
Ned turns to her when he hears Lola's name... looking baffled
by this convoluted piece of logic.
LAURA
(shrugs it off)
Don't sweat it. It's the way a woman's
mind works.
He turns back to the cupboard, picking up a container.
NED
How about Ovaltine?
LAURA
Fine. Then I remembered you told me
some guy named Frank had been working
on your wife's car for two months.
You with me so far?
NED
I'm way ahead of you.
He brings the Ovaltine container to the table.
LAURA
Well back it up. You probably took a
wrong turn. Remember your insurance
policy... the one we couldn't find?
I started thinking, who else had
access to it beside you and me? The
answer came up... Lana. And since
she's a woman, it's probably hidden
right here.
A huge ceramic cookie jar sits on the table in front of them.
Laura SMASHES it with her fist, breaking it open! Cookies
spill out... and the insurance policy.
NED
So that's where she hid the Oreos.
He sits down... starts eating Oreos... twisting them apart.
LAURA
Ned, Lana wasn't trying to save your
life when she shot Max Shady. She
and Frank were plotting to kill you
and collect on your insurance policy.
But she shot the wrong guy.
NED
That's the craziest thing I ever
heard.
LAURA
(she presses on)
Don't you see... Frank was going to
let her take the fall. So she murdered
him and tried to make it look like
suicide.
(beat)
That's when I realized there was a
connection between Lola and Lana...
NED
Yeah... they're sisters. Twin sisters.
LAURA
Well, hang on to your jock strap,
Ned. There's more.
She unrolls a complex genealogical chart... walks him thru
it.
LAURA
Not only is Frank's father Dwayne
Kelbo, notoriously amorous gym teacher
and Lola Cain's former lover...
Frank's mother is Helen Shady. Max
and Frank are half-brothers who never
met.
Laura pauses dramatically, then announces.
LAURA
Your lovely wife, Lana, murdered
both of Helen Shady's sons.
NED
This is so unbelievable.
LAURA
And you haven't even heard my story.
INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT
The keyhole saw cuts through the railing. The CAMERA REVEALS
Lana, eyes filled with Machiavellian rage.
She enters the bathroom, lays the saw blade down. Suddenly...
a PAIR OF HANDS plunge into frame, grabbing her by the throat!
We GO WITH HER as she is pushed back into the tub, the hands
forcing her head under water. Lana grabs a diving mask, clamps
it over her face. One of the attacking hands rips it away!
Lana grabs a snorkel, sticking it in her mouth. The hand
pulls it from her, tossing it aside.
The hand shoves a little RUBBER DUCKIE into Lana's mouth!
Lana struggles, finally going limp. Her open eyes stare up
from beneath the water. The last few bubbles rise to the
surface.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
LAURA
He turned into a monster. And that's
when I left him. I just couldn't...
The tea kettle WHISTLES! Laura pulls it off the burner. The
whistling subsides... replaced by the distant SOUND of water
running upstairs. Ned cocks his head, listening.
NED
That damn faucet keeps turning on
all by itself. I'll go check it.
LAURA
Okay. I'll make the Ovaltine.
Ned exits. Laura opens the Ovaltine container. It's empty. A
DARK SHADOW moves past the window behind Laura. Suspense
MUSIC. Laura opens the cupboard. PIGEONS explode out, wings
beating furiously! She catches her breath, looks in the
cupboard. The cans and boxes are covered with pigeon shit.
She shoves them aside, looking for the Ovaltine.
INT. FOYER - SAME TIME
Ned looks up toward the light from the bathroom. Water seeps
over the edge of the landing and down the steps. As he moves
up the steps, the SOUND of MUSIC... the familiar strains of
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"... grows louder and LOUDER.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
It's filled with steam. He waves the steam away... STARTLED
to see Lana's lifeless body beneath the water, the rubber
duckie jammed into her mouth. The tub overflows on the floor.
He turns the faucet off. The water stops... and so does the
MUSIC. Puzzled, he turns the faucet on. The MUSIC STARTS.
Turns it off. The MUSIC STOPS.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
As Laura turns away to enter the pantry... her Husband's
twisted face suddenly appears in the kitchen window!
INT. BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Ned enters. The MUSIC is coming from the closet. Ned yanks
the door open! A flock of PIGEONS bursts out!... revealing a
GUEST MUSICIAN playing an instrument.
GUEST MUSICIAN
I'm sittin' in for Dizzy. He had a
gig tonight.
Ned shuts the door, eyes shifting. Lola must be near.
INT. PANTRY OFF KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura searches the large walk-in pantry for tea bags. She
hears a LOUD CRASH of BREAKING GLASS in the kitchen... stops
and listens... then casually shrugs it off.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura's Husband stands in the kitchen. The back door is
open... the window shattered. He SEES... the kitchen towels
hanging sloppily on the rack! The disorganized clutter of
cans and boxes in the cupboard! WE PUSH IN to his wildly
insane eyes!
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME
As Ned enters the upstairs landing, we hear VOICES in his
mind.
NED
(ECHOING V.O.)
Women are an open book. You can always
tell the rotten apples from the
peaches. I'd stake my career on it...
stake my career on it... stake my
career on it...
The repetitive ECHO gets to him. He smacks his head with the
palm of his hand. The skipping stops... followed by...
NED
(ECHOING V.O.)
...If anyone ever proves me wrong,
I'll throw away my badge.
IN THE DARKNESS
A woman's HAND unrolls a leather kit... the "U-Pick an Ice
Pick Porta-Pik-Pak!"... with seven ice picks in separate
slots, each labeled with a day of the week.
The hand selects "Wednesday's" ice pick, pulls it out. Then...
BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...!
CANTED ANGLE ON - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK
It CHIMES loudly. It's twelve midnight!
THE HAND
returns the ice pick to its slot, selects the one for
Thursday.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura comes out of the pantry. She stops... gasps! Everything
in the cupboard is neatly stacked! All the towels are
straight!
She whirls around... coming face to face with her Husband!
He smiles demonically, holding up the Ninja Turtle float
ring.
LAURA'S HUSBAND
Forget something, sweetheart?
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME
Ned nears the bathroom door and suddenly... A PIERCING SCREAM!
Lola charges, an ice pick raised over her head! She knocks
him backward, into the bathroom, slashing at him. But he
deflects the attack, grabbing at her arms.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura backs away from her Husband. He holds her wedding ring.
LAURA'S HUSBAND
You forgot to flush, darling.
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME
As Ned and Lola continue their violent struggle... Lola grabs
toiletries to aid in her attack. She squirts Ned with SHAVING
CREAM... squeezes TOOTHPASTE in his hair... and throws BATH
POWDER in his face!
Ned is blinded. Gaining the advantage, Lola shoves him back,
slamming his head into the wall. He's dazed, helpless.
Lola raises the ice pick, moving forward to strike! But Ned
grabs a HAIR BLOWER and swings it around, pointing it at her
like a gun! She freezes... then smiles contemptuously.
LOLA
What're you gonna do, Ned? Blow me
away?
She LAUGHS arrogantly. Ned clicks on the hair blower to HIGH,
a blast of HOT AIR hitting Lola's face, puffing her cheeks
out, pushing her back, hair flying wildly!
Her backside hits the railing where Lana has cut it... the
wood splintering!
Lola tumbles over backward, SCREAMING! She hangs suspended
in mid-air for a moment, like a cartoon character, arms
flailing. Then... WHOOM!... she FALLS to the marble floor
below, hitting with a LOUD THUD!
INT. THE KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura's Husband hears Lola fall, turning. Laura grabs the
iron skillet and CLOBBERS him with it! BONG! He goes down.
LAURA
I never forget anything... honey.
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME
Ned stares at the hair blower in his hand. Filled with disgust
and revulsion, he throws the "weapon" down.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Laura pulls TWO REVOLVERS from her purse... spinning them
like John Wayne... expertly tossing one over her back,
catching it in front! She heads for the foyer.
INT. FOYER - A MOMENT LATER - ON LOLA'S BODY
Laura pauses, looks down at Lola's body... notices something.
She pushes Lola's skirt a bit higher with the toe of her
shoe.
LAURA
(outraged)
Those are MY panties!
She looks up... sees a light emanating from the bathroom.
ON THE LANDING
Laura moves through the shadows... stops outside the bathroom,
pressing her back against the wall, guns up and ready.
She swivels into the doorway... taking a shooter's stance...
guns pointed! She sees... LANA... submerged in the tub, face
up, the rubber duckie in her mouth.
Laura steps back and turns... right into a THING covered in
white! Startled, she SHRIEKS! Ned drops the white towel he's
using to wipe off all of the shaving cream and toothpaste.
Relieved to see it's Ned, she throws her arms around him!
LAURA
Oh Ned!
NED
You were right... there's a million
things I don't know about women.
Maybe you can teach me a few hundred.
He pulls out his police badge, looks at it.
NED
Hell... I had too many careers anyway.
He tosses it away, over the railing.
INT. FOYER - ECU LOLA - SAME TIME
The badge drops from above, landing on the floor right in
front of Lola's lifeless face. A beat. Her eyes pop open!
INT. BATHROOM - ECU ON BATH WATER - SAME TIME
Suddenly, the rubber duckie pops to the surface.
ON THE LANDING
Laura hugs Ned again, arms locked around his neck, still
gripping a gun in each hand.
LAURA
Oh Ned, I love you. I always loved
you!
INT. FOYER
Lola sits bolt upright, bloody but still bouncy.
INT. BATHROOM
Lana suddenly SITS UP in the tub, inhaling a huge GASP of
air, her eyes wild!
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Laura's Husband's eyes POP OPEN! He SITS UP suddenly...
smashing his head into the sharp corner of the kitchen table!
He topples back slowly... really dead! Finally.
INT. THE STAIRCASE
Lola's feet move steadily up each stair... her bloody hand
grasping the ice pick.
INT. BATHROOM FLOOR - LOW ANGLE
Lana's feet step out of the tub, water dripping all around.
She picks up the pointed saw from the floor.
ON THE LANDING
Ned and Laura still embrace, her forearms crisscrossed behind
his neck. It's been a long embrace.
Suddenly, Lana and Lola both appear, SCREAMING like banshees!
Lana charges from the bathroom, grasping the sharp saw blade!
Lola races at them from the stairway... with the ice pick!
Without missing a beat, Laura raises the barrels of both
guns and FIRES at them simultaneously... right next to Ned's
ears.
The impact of one bullet knocks Lana all the way back through
the bathroom, CRASHING spectacularly out the window! The
other bullet sends Lola flipping down the staircase!
Ned looks stunned, his eyes crossed... the thundering gunshots
still ringing in his ears. Laura proudly blows the gunsmoke
away from the end of each barrel.
LAURA
Got 'em!
NED
(deafened)
WHAT?
LAURA
I said... I GOT 'EM!
NED
HUH?!!!
LAURA
(yells)
THEY'RE DEAD! GONE! KA-PUT!
He strains to make out what she's saying, ears still ringing.
NED
(yells back)
SURE I'LL MARRY YOU! NEXT TUESDAY
WOULD BE PERFECT!
A beat. Laura opens her mouth to correct him, then decides
against it. She smiles... speaking softly, almost shyly.
LAURA
Okay. But I want to have kids.
He hears THIS... smiles at her.
NED
Great.
They embrace.
EXT. NED'S HOUSE - WIDE SHOT - NEAR DAWN
We MOVE IN SLOWLY toward the house.
NED (V.O.)
So... maybe I was wrong. Maybe women
really are like a big jigsaw puzzle...
with pieces that never seem to fit
where you want 'em to.
INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Ned and Laura are in bed, wrapped in each other's arms.
NED (V.O.)
All I know is, there are three things
that men can't possibly ever do...
NEW ANGLE - NED AND LAURA
Revealing that it's NOT "voice over narration." Ned is
actually rattling on aloud again.
NED
...understand women... give birth...
and program a VCR. And giving birth
is the easy one.
LAURA
Ned...
NED
Yeah, Laura?
LAURA
Knock off the chatter, will ya?
He smiles at her. They kiss. Romantic SAXAPHONE MUSIC begins
to play... only this time, it's "Laura's Theme."
The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY... revealing Dizzy laying on
the bed beside them... playing the sax.
After a beat, Laura turns to Dizzy.
LAURA
We won't need you anymore.
Ned casually slips him a twenty dollar bill. Dizzy slips off
the bed and out the door. Laura turns to Ned.
LAURA
We can make our own music.
Her hand reaches slowly over the edge of the bed, toward the
floor. Suddenly... she comes up with a CONCERTINA, a small
accordian... and begins to play it!
Ned lays there listening for a few moments, a stunned look
frozen on his face. Then... he reaches under the pillow and
pulls out a HARMONICA and joins in.
The CAMERA BOOMS UP to a HIGH ANGLE SHOT... as they play
MEDLEY of all the MUSIC heard in the film.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
After the final credit, WE HEAR:
LAURA (V.O.)
Ned, do you know... I want you to
make love to me all night long?
NED (V.O.)
No. But if you hum a few bars...
I'll fake it.
THE END
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