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                                     "FATAL INSTINCT"

                                      Screenplay by

                                      David O'Malley

                                      SHOOTING DRAFT


               FADE IN ON:


               The sultry dampness of a blistering summer hangs in the night 
               air. People stroll the boardwalk looking for a cool breeze. 
               The soft rhythms of a jazz concert float from the band shell.


               and a woman's shapely legs, walking along the wooden pier. 


               After several steps, a discarded piece of gum sticks to one 
               of her shoes, stretching out stickily. Two steps later, a 
               piece of paper sticks to the gum, flopping awkwardly with 
               each step.

               The MOVING CAMERA PANS UP her gorgeous legs and sensuous 
               body. She wears a loose summer dress that floats like gossamer 
               around her soft curves. Her hair is long and blond.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         To some guys, women are like a cheap 
                         puzzle... with pieces that just don't 
                         fit. They think the soul of a woman 
                         is darker than a back alley... more 
                         tangled than a telephone cord... and 
                         colder than a Klondike Bar in Canada. 
                         But those guys don't even have a 

               She stops at the railing. We see an incredibly beautiful 
               face and cool, alluring eyes. This is LOLA CAIN. The term 
               "femme fatale" was coined for her. She's on display... and 
               knows it.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         When you know women the way I do, 
                         you understand exactly what what 
                         makes them tick... what makes them 
                         hum... what makes them jiggle up and 
                         down when they walk. And it's not 
                         the kind of thing you can learn from 
                         a correspondence course.

               The CAMERA MOVES with her as she walks on, passing TWO MEN 
               whose eyes are glued to her. We HOLD ON THEM.

               One is NED RAVINE, in his thirties, stalwart, handsome, hair 
               trimmed neatly, but with a feel of loose ends about him... 
               coat slung over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up, the sweat 
               dampening his shirt. He's a cop. A plain clothes detective 
               who's been around the block a few times and still gets lost.

               Next to him is ARCH, his partner. Older, if not in years, at 
               least in mileage. Dependable, solid, with no great aspirations 
               except to reach the end of a shift intact. He's eating Nachos 
               from a cardboard container, licking the cheese off his 

               The CAMERA PUSHES IN to NED. His eyes are fixed on Lola.

               ANGLE - LOLA - NED'S POV

               She walks to the other side of the pier... as more paper 
               sticks to the gum on her shoe. She stands at the railing.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         There are two kinds of women in this 
                         world... and I've known 'em both.

               ANGLE - ARCH

               Arch heaves an exasperated sigh and looks toward Ned. The 
               CAMERA PULLS BACK to INCLUDE NED. It isn't "voice-over" 
               narration at all. Ned is actually talking out loud.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         One will take you for a fast ride on 
                         a bumpy road with no seat belt. But 
                         the other kind...

                         Jeez... knock off the chatter, will 

                         Just trying to keep you awake, Arch.

                         I'm awake! Where do you come up with 
                         all that crap about women?

                         It's true. Women are very complex, 
                         but if you know how to read 'em... 
                         they're an open book. You can always 
                         tell the rotten apples from the 

                         Are you kiddin'?

                         I'd stake my career on it. Anybody 
                         ever proves me wrong, I'll throw 
                         away my badge.

                         Aayyhh... women are trouble...

                         I used to believe that too. Until I 
                         married Lana. Now, she... is a peach.

                         Yeah, well you're a lucky stiff, 
                         pal. Ya hold down two jobs. Got a 
                         beautiful wife waitin' for ya at 
                         home. Everything a guy could ever 
                         want, including NO kids.

                         I'd love to have kids.

                         What?! Rug-rats? Give me a break!
                              (looks around)
                         Jeez, I hate stakeouts. What makes 
                         you think Milo's gonna show up here?

                         Logic. He knocked off all those banks. 
                         He's got cash. He's gonna want to 
                         spend it. This is one of the few 
                         places that still takes cash. Sooner 
                         or later... he's gotta turn up.

                         And how we s'posed to recognize this 

                         The "Support Hose Bandit"? When you 
                         see him... you'll know him.

               In the b.g., MILO CRUMLEY, the "Support Hose Bandit", ambles 
               by casually, unnoticed, sucking on a cherry Snow-Cone through 
               the panty-hose pulled down over his head.

                         These are the best damn Nachos in 
                         North America. Maybe the world!

               He pops the last chip in his mouth, licks his fingers and 
               turns the container over.

                         I'm empty. I'm gonna get a refill. 
                         You want some?

               Ned shakes his head. Arch heads off to the Nacho stand. Ned 
               steps over to the railing... gazes out at the ocean.

               A SAXOPHONE begins to wail a scorching, romantic melody... a 
               recurrent tune that will come to be known as LOLA'S THEME.

               A beat later... Lola moves to Ned's side at the railing. He 
               tries to ignore her presence, peering into the darkness. 
               Lola digs in her purse for a pack of cigarettes.

                         Got a light?


               Ned pulls out a small flashlight, shines it in her purse. 
               She pulls a cigarette out of the pack, puts it to her lips... 
               her eyes on Ned, sizing him up.

                         How about a match?

                         No thanks. I have plenty.

               He pulls out a handful of matchbooks, shows her, then stuffs 
               them back in his pocket.

               He turns and walks along the pier. She falls into step beside 
               him, lighting her own cigarette. A saxophone player named 
               DIZZY follows behind them, continuing to play. He's the actual 
               source of the romantic THEME MUSIC we've been hearing.

                         You really are incredibly stupid, 
                         aren't you? I like that in a man.

                         I'd be insulted, but I know you're 

                         You sound so sure of yourself.

                         I'm not as dumb as I look.

                         Let me buy you a drink, Mr. uh...

                         Ravine. Ned Ravine. And you are...?

                         Thirsty. What about that drink?

                         I'm on duty.

                         Brain surgeon?


                         Oooo... and I bet you have a big 

                         You lose.

               Lola looks toward a nearby hot dog vendor.

                         If I can't buy you a drink...
                              (nods toward vendor)
                         ...let me buy you one of those.

                         Who can say no to a weiner?

                         Not me.

               Lola turns to the hot dog VENDOR, raising two fingers.

                         Two dogs. Hot.

               She takes them... hands one to Ned. He picks up the plastic 
               mustard container to put mustard on her hot dog first.

                         You come here often?

                         Only when I'm in heat.

               Ned REACTS to this, squeezing the container. A stream of 
               mustard squirts out, hitting the front of Lola's dress.

                         Oh! Sorry.

               Flustered, he stuffs his hot dog into his inside jacket 
               pocket, then tries to wipe the mustard off Lola's dress, 
               smearing it all over her, making it worse. She watches him 
               with a cool, detached gaze as he fumbles ingenuously.

               Suddenly, Ned stops, looking off. He sees... Milo Crumley 
               going into the PUBLIC RESTROOM. Ned starts to leave. Lola 
               grabs his hand, holding it tightly against her breast.

                         Where ya going?

                         Get something to wipe it off.

                         That's okay. You're doing just fine.

                         I'll get you a wet paper towel.

               He heads for the men's room... signaling to Arch, who's 
               waiting in line at the Nacho stand. Arch motions at the long 
               line... all UNIFORMED COPS... shrugging helplessly.

               INT. MEN'S ROOM ON PIER - NIGHT

               Several MEN are at the urinals. Milo, still wearing the panty 
               hose over his head, washes his face at the sink. He looks 
               up, sees Ned enter. Ned sees Milo... reacts, pulling the 
               frankfurter out of his pocket and pointing it.

                         Hold it right there, Milo!

               The Men turn, seeing Ned pointing the frankfurter.

                                     RESTROOM PATRON
                         Look out! He's got a weenie!

               Milo bolts, slamming into Ned, knocking him back through the 
               door of a stall, into the lap of the MAN inside.

               EXT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

               Milo bursts out, colliding with Arch. They both go down in a 
               flurry of Nacho chips and cheese. Arch helps Milo to his 
               feet, apologizing profusely... picking up the gun that Milo 
               dropped, handing it back to him. Milo sprints off down the 

               A beat later, Ned bursts out the door... dashing after Milo.

               ANGLE - ALONG THE PIER

               Milo runs frantically, knocking people aside! He ducks into...


               ...and drags a FLUSTERED MAN out of a bumper car, jumps in, 
               and speeds away!

               A beat later, Ned runs up, followed by Arch. Ned flashes his 
               badge at a FRECKLE-FACED KID in one of the bumper cars.

                         Police emergency! I need your car!

               He pulls the kid out, jumps in, slaps a portable FLASHING 
               RED LIGHT on the dashboard... then speeds off after Milo, a 
               SIREN WAILING! He zig-zags through the crush of other bumper 
               cars in the pavilion.

               Ned's bumper car catches up with Milo, pulling alongside. 
               Milo turns the wheel, RAMMING Ned! Ned RAMS him back, both 
               bumper cars swerving violently... spraying SPARKS!

               Ned SLAMS Milo's car again! Milo loses control, spins out 
               and SMASHES into the pavillion railing!

               Ned swerves to avoid a collision, but RAMS into two other 
               bumper cars, wrenching to a grinding halt. A BEAT. The AIRBAG 
               inflates in his bumper car.

               Arch runs up as Ned pulls himself from the wreckage. They 
               turn to see Milo leap from his mangled bumper car, leap over 
               the pavillion railing and dash down the pier and into an 
               alley between two buildings. A sign on the building says: 
               DEAD END ALLEY.

               Ned and Arch eye each other, shake their heads, and follow 
               after Milo.


               Sequence omitted from original script.

               IN THE ALLEY

               Milo runs into a tall chain link fence at the end of the 
               alley and scrambles up the wire mesh. Suddenly, Ned's hand 
               shoots out, grabs Milo's ankle, yanking him down hard.

               Milo jumps to his feet, swinging at Ned, who catches Milo's 
               fist with his hand, stopping it cold... neatly snapping a 
               handcuff on his wrist. He shoves Milo's arm against the fence 
               and snaps the other cuff to the chainlink.

               A SWITCHBLADE flashes out of Milo's other hand with a sharp 
               CLICK! Milo slashes the blade at Ned, just missing his face. 
               On the backswing, Ned parries with his own switchblade and 
               flips Milo's knife away.

               Milo pulls a .45 Calibre REVOLVER with his free hand! Ned 
               shoves his finger into the end of the barrel. Milo looks 
               surprised... then sneers, clicking the hammer back.

                         You take science in high school, 

                         I skipped high school, cop!

                         Then you're probably not familiar 
                         with the theory of inverse 
                         proportionate explosive dynamics.

                         What about it?

                         If you fire a weapon with the barrel 
                         obstructed, the explosive force 
                         multiplies by twenty-three point 
                         five nine eight and reverses on itself 
                         with diametric polarity?

                         Yeah. So?

                         The gun will blow up in your hand... 
                         and it won't even scorch my pinkie.

                         Ha! That's just theoretical 
                         hypothesis. Inverse proportionate 
                         explosive dynamics has never been 
                         demonstrated conclusively in a 
                         laboratory environment.

                         Oh yeah. Then pull the trigger, smart 
                         guy. Let's find out.

               Milo hesitates, unsure. Finally, he releases the gun. Ned 
               raises it up on the end of his finger. Arch pulls it off 
               with a loud POP!

               Ned cuffs Milo's hands behind him... spins him around.

                         You have the right to remain silent... 
                         next... if you waive that right, 
                         anything you say... next...

               REVEAL ARCH

               holding up a series of "cue cards"... as Ned reads from them.

                         ...may be used against you in a court 
                         of law... next... You have the right 
                         to an attorney... Do you have an 


                         Then today's your lucky day...

               He flips out a business card, handing it to Milo.

               ANGLE - THE BUSINESS CARD

               It reads... "Ned Ravine - Defense Attorney"

               EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DAWN

               Large. Expensive. Impressive. The name on the mailbox reads 
               "Ned and Lana Ravine."

               We begin to HEAR the O.S. SOUND of passionate lovemaking!


               Sequence omitted from original script.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. HOUSE - DAWN

               The CAMERA MOVES up the stairs, into the bedroom. Still O.S., 
               we hear more heavy breathing... urgent whispers... lust... 
               passion... squeaky bedsprings!

               A trail of clothes is scattered before us on the way to the 
               bed... shoes, a dress, slip, bra, nylons, panties... greasy 
               coveralls with a "Frank Kelbo - Mobile Mechanic" namepatch, 
               dirty work boots, a wrench and a gigantic grease gun...

               The bed shakes violently. A female VOICE calls the shots as 
               various tools drop to the floor.

                                     LANA (O.S.)
                         Oh yes, Frank! Adjust the stroke by 
                         ten percent! That's it.
                              (CLUNK! A wrench)
                         Now tweak my points. Oh yes, oh yes!
                              (THUNK! Pliers)
                         You got it! Stabilize your ball joints 
                         and grind my rear differential!
                              (CLINK! Screwdriver)
                         Now accelerate! Floor it! Lay rubber, 
                         baby! VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

               A beat. The LIGHT clicks ON. LANA; a sexy redhead with a 
               cool, manipulative edge, and FRANK; a slick, smarmy Lothario, 
               lay under the sheets, panting, glistening with sweat.

               Lana reaches for a pack of "Fatal 100's" on the bedside table.

                         Not bad for an auto mechanic...

                              (grins, cocky)
                         Yeah, well you're not so bad 
                         yourself... for a lawyer's wife...

                         Better watch your tongue, sweetie, 
                         or I'll have my husband arrest you.

                         Busy man. Cop and a lawyer. When 
                         does he ever find time for you?

               She lights a cigarette... exhales a soft, gloomy cloud.

                         He doesn't. That's why I need you to 
                         keep my engine tuned, Frank. Why 
                         drive a jalopy when you can have a 
                         hot rod?

                         Maybe you should trade him in on a 
                         new model.

                         I would... if I could make any money 
                         on the deal.

                              (reaches for her)
                         Want to go for another test drive?

               The SOUND of an automobile engine outside. Lana stops him.

                         Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm 
                         still under warranty.

               EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING

               Ned glances at the white van parked in the driveway, then 
               takes note of his wife's silver Mercedes... sitting on floor 
               jacks, the hood raised, tools spread out around it.


               Ned enters. Lana wears a diaphanous dressing gown, buttoned 
               unevenly, hair disheveled. She smokes a cigarette.

                         Morning sweetheart.

               Ned kisses her on the back of the neck as he passes through 
               the kitchen on his way to the dining room. She reacts with 
               bored, contemptuous disinterest, picking up the coffee pot.

                         Uh huh. Want some coffee?

               Ned steps back into the kitchen with his briefcase.

                         No thanks.

               Ned sees Frank sitting at the kitchen table, hair messed up, 
               coveralls hastily pulled on inside-out. Frank is reading a 
               copy of INSURANCE DIGEST magazine. A headline on the cover 
               touts an article: "LIFE INSURANCE FOR YOUR CAT!... Cover All 
               Nine Lives For The Price of One!" Ned's smile fades.

                         Frank here was just grabbing a little 
                         before going back to work on my car.

               He steps over to the table... gives Frank a cool stare.

                         How long you been working on Lana's 
                         Mercedes, Frank?

                         Oh... I don't know... six, seven 

                         And ya still haven't found the 

                              (a leering smile)
                         Think I got my finger on it though.

               Ned turns to Lana.

                         I know what he's doing, Lana. I wasn't 
                         born yesterday. He's not fixing your 
                         car. He's SCREWING you!

               Lana tenses up at this. Frank freezes. He figures they've 
               been busted. He sits there, holding the magazine, not moving 
               a muscle... as Ned turns on him.

                         YOU are screwing my wife! I can see 
                         what your game is, Frank. You open 
                         up her hood, poke around in there... 
                         squirt some lubrication in... play 
                         around with all her parts... then 
                         take an old used piston and stick it 
                         in... then pull it out... in, out, 
                         in, out! Every day! There's no end 
                         to it. You just keep coming and 
                         COMING!... and the bill just gets 
                         bigger and BIGGER!

               Lana braces herself against the sink, breathless... turned 
               on by Ned's description. Ned goes to her, sympathetic.

                         But you don't see it, do you, Lana? 
                         You're too good... too pure. You 
                         can't see the evil in people like 
                              (turns to Frank)
                         Well, you're not getting away with 
                         it, pal. I'm pulling the plug! You're 

                         Ned... don't you have to be somewhere?

                              (checks his watch)
                         Oh... yeah. Thanks, honey. I'm late 
                         for court.

               He goes to kiss her mouth and she turns her cheek to him. He 
               looks at her lovingly... touches her face tenderly.

                         You are so naive.

               He picks up his briefcase, gives Frank a nasty look, then 
               exits thru the back door.

               Lana and Frank stare at each other lustfully, really hot 
               now! Frank sweeps the dishes off the table with his arm. 
               Lana leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. 
               He lays her down on the kitchen table, standing over her.

               Suddenly, Ned opens the back door, glaring right at Frank... 
               not even noticing Lana on the table.

                         Finish your coffee... then GET OUT!

               He slams the door. A beat. Lana and Frank begin to devour 
               each other with passionate kisses. Another beat. The front 
               doorbell RINGS once... then again.

                         Who's that?

                         Just the postman. He always rings 


               Sequence omitted from original script.

               INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY

               Richly appointed with stately oak, walls lined with law books. 
               As in all "Noir" thrillers, venetian blinds cast dramatic 
               slashes of light and ceiling fans turn lazily in every room. 
               Ned hurries in, rummaging through the files on his desk.

               LAURA, a strikingly lovely brunette, enters from the outer 
               office, files in hand. She is Ned's astute, dedicated, self-
               sacrificing "girl-friday" and legal secretary. She keeps his 
               life from spinning crazily apart. She absolutely adores him.

                         Laura... do you know where...?

                              (hands him file)
                         Right here. The judge decided to 
                         skip arraignment and take Milo direct 
                         to trial. You're six minutes late, 
                         but don't sweat it. You got Judge 
                         Allen. He's always eleven minutes 

               She picks up a lawbook, flips it open to a dog-eared page.

                         I suggest you try Lemming versus 
                         Florida, 1956... where the guy jumped 
                         in the water and everybody followed.

                              (thinks about it)
                         Yeah. Good idea.

               He smiles gratefully... drops the file into his briefcase.

               Ned heads for the office washroom. Laura darts ahead of him 
               into the washroom and turns the water on.

               Ned steps in... splashes some water on his face. Laura grabs 
               a towel from the rack where three small towels hang neatly... 
               hands it to Ned. He dries his face, looking at her with 
               genuine fondness and gratitude.

                         I don't know what I'd do without 

               She glances toward the toilet, notices it hasn't been flushed. 
               She FLUSHES it, lowers the seat.


               She sits down on the toilet seat, watching him adoringly as 
               he shaves with an electric razor.

                         Laura, how long have you worked for 

                         Two years, seven months, twenty-three 
                         days, nineteen hours...
                              (checks her watch)
                         ...six minutes and fifty-two seconds.
                              (softly, to herself)
                         ...fifty-three... fifty-four... fifty-
                         five... fifty-six...

                         And when was the last time I gave 
                         you a raise?

               Laura neatly folds the end of the toilet paper into a point.

                         Never. But that's okay. I don't need 
                         a raise. In fact... I was thinking 
                         of giving you a rebate on my salary.

               He clicks off the razor, turns to look at her for a long 
               moment, considering this, then...

                         Naw. That's okay. You keep it.

               He gives her a manly pat on the shoulder then casually tosses 
               the towel onto the rack, where it hangs sloppily askew... 
               right next to her face. He exits.

               Laura stares at the towel with a tortured expression. The 
               CAMERA PUSHES IN to her face as we see...


               Scrawled on a steamed-up bathroom mirror - FLASHBACK - CAPE 
               COD - THREE YEARS EARLIER. A hand wipes the mirror off, 
               revealing Laura... younger, longer hair, with a nasty black 

               LAURA'S HUSBAND appears behind her, glaring insanely. He 
               looks toward the towel rack.

               There are three towels... with HIS - HIS - HIS embossed along 
               the bottom edge. One towel hangs longer than the others.

                                     LAURA'S HUSBAND
                         Did we forget something?

               She meekly lines up all the towels.

                                     LAURA'S HUSBAND
                         Did we forget something?

               She meekly lines up all the towels.


               Laura's Husband pulls the cupboard open. All the cans and 
               boxes are neatly stacked in straight lines. All except one. 
               She straightens it... trembling with fear.

               EXT. DECK OF BEACH HOUSE - DAY

               He pulls her outside, nodding toward a line of tall PINE 
               trees behind the house. They are all straight and even... 
               except one, whose tall branches tower conspicuously above 
               the rest.

               He holds up a chainsaw, nodding toward the trees. Shaking 
               and tearful... she backs into the house.

               END FLASHBACK

               BACK TO LAURA

               SCREAMING out in terror! Ned rushes in, shaking her.

                         Laura. Laura! What is it?

                              (coming out of it)
                         I'm okay, I'm okay. I just get a 
                         bit... claustrophobic... in the 

                         Maybe we should try some prune juice.

               He gives her shoulder a consoling squeeze, then exits. She 
               shakily straightens the towels and regains her composure.

               Ned opens a wardrobe closet in his office. He walks along, 
               looking at thirty exactly identical blue suits, hanging 
               neatly. Laura follows behind him. He stops and stares, 

                         Wear the blue one.

               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               Ned turns dramatically to face the jury.

                         Ladies and gentlemen... I ask you... 
                         does this look like the face of a 

               ANGLE - MILO CRUMLEY

               sitting next to Laura at the defense table... STILL wearing 
               the panty hose over his head.

               BACK TO SCENE

                         Of course it does. But the question 
                         of my client's guilt or innocence is 
                         not the issue here today. I'm certain 
                         every member of the jury can clearly 
                         see that he's guilty!

                                     BLIND JUROR
                         I can't.

               ANGLE ON NED - JURY'S POV

               Ned ignores this, turning to look directly at the CAMERA as 
               he addresses the jury... holding up a pair of nylon pantyhose.

                         Put yourself in his shoes. Look 
                         through his eyes. See the world the 
                         way HE sees it!

               He puts the pantyhose over the LENS, obscuring our view.

                         Things just don't look the same. 
                         It's fuzzy... and frightening!


               The nylon pantyhose are draped over the frightened face of a 
               WOMAN JUROR. All the other Jurors are holding up their own 
               socks and nylon stockings, trying to peer through them.

               Ned steps over to Milo, motioning toward him.

                         Ladies and gentlemen... Milo Crumley 
                         is not the perpetrator here. He is 
                         the VICTIM!

               Milo unwraps a piece of bubble gum and pushes it into his 
               panty-hose covered mouth, chewing the nylon and gum together.

                         Like ALL of us... this man is the 
                         unfortunate victim of these tragically 
                         difficult economic times. And what 
                         does that mean? He can't support his 

               Ned motions toward the gallery, where we SEE...

               ...MILO'S WIFE and TWO CHILDREN, all wearing panty hose over 
               their faces. Ned motions toward Milo.

                         For God's sake!... He can't even 
                         support his own FACE!

               JUDGE ALLEN notices that Milo is chewing gum.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         Mr. Crumley... you cannot chew gum 
                         in my courtroom... unless you have 
                         enough for everyone.

               Milo holds up a big plastic bag filled with bubble gum. Judge 
               Allen grabs it, takes a piece of gum and hands it to the 

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         Bailiff. Pass these out.

               The Bailiff takes the bag, offers one to Ned... who takes a 
               piece, unwraps it and starts chewing. The Bailiff then 
               proceeds to pass out gum to EVERYONE in the courtroom.

               The JURY FOREMAN raises his hand and clears his throat.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         And don't forget the jury.

                         And so, desperate and broke, with no 
                         other options before him, Mr. Crumley 
                         went to eleven Savings & Loans and 
                         did what any of you would have done. 
                         He stole back the money that the 
                         S&Ls had stolen from him!

               The courtroom erupts in CHEERS! Judge Allen raps the gavel.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         Mr. Ravine... please approach the 

               He does. The Judge leans toward him, reaching out to cover 
               the microphone, covering the end of the gavel instead. The 
               Judge's voice is AMPLIFIED over the courtroom speakers.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         You're not running for congress here, 
                         so knock off the speeches and quit 
                         inciting these brainless morons! Now 
                         pick up the pace and wrap this son-
                         of-a-bitch up! Call your first 

               Ned turns... looking out over the courtroom.

                         I call... Detective Ned Ravine.

               There is a surprised GASP from the crowd... and a loud MURMUR.

               The BAILIFF holds out a video box. It's titled HOLY BIBLE - 
               THE VIDEO. Ned puts one hand on it, raises the other.

                         Do you swear to tell the truth, the 
                         whole truth and nothing but the truth, 
                         so help you God?

                         I do.

               Ned sits down... then gets up, his demeanor changing.

                         Detective Ravine, at the time of the 
                         arrest, did you read the defendant 
                         his Miranda rights?

               He slips back into the witness box.

                         Of course. That's standard procedure.

               Ned steps over to Arch, who is sitting in the first row of 
               the gallery. Arch hands him the Miranda "cue cards."

                         Are these the cards Officer Brooks 
                         used to prompt you while reading Mr. 
                         Crumley his rights?

               He lays them on the corner of the stand... then slips into 
               the chair. He picks the cards up and flips thru them. On the 
               back we can see scribbled... "NED'S IDIOT CARDS"

                         Yeah. These are them.

               Ned jumps to his feet, pacing dramatically, grabbing the 

                         Reading from the cards now... quote 
                         "You have the right to remain silent, 
                         if you waive that right, anything 
                         you say... may be used against you 
                         in a court of law." Is that right?

                              (back in the chair)
                         That's right.

                              (stands up, announces)
                         WRONG! The official Miranda warning 
                         is... "anything you say CAN be used 
                         against you in a court of law." Not 
                         "may"... "CAN!"
                              (on the attack)
                         Don't you know the difference between 
                         "can" and "may", Detective? Every 
                         school kid knows "can" is a verb 
                         that indicates ability to perform, 
                         while "may" is a verbal auxiliary 
                         indicating the permission to act.

               Ned pivots into the witness stand, changing his attitude 
               from aggressive attorney to defensive, angry witness as he 
               hits the chair.

                         I didn't have time to worry about 
                         past participles or interrogative 
                         pronouns! I was trying to protect 
                         society from a deranged MADMAN!
                              (leaps up, pointing)
                         But this ivy league fop...!!!

               The courtroom ERUPTS! The Judge bangs the gavel. Ned strides 
               proudly toward the defense table.

                         I have no more use for this witness.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         Mr. Ravine...

               Ned turns. The Judge motions with a finger for Ned to approach 
               the bench. Ned does, resting his hand on it.

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         I'm dismissing this case on the 
                         grounds of improper grammar.

               The Judge smacks Ned's hand with a ruler!


                              (jumps up)
                         But your Honor...!

                                     JUDGE ALLEN
                         I know, I know. It's a technicality. 
                         But it's the kind of technicality 
                         that makes the American legal system 
                         what it is today! Court's adjourned!

               The Judge mistakenly picks up the microphone and whacks it 
               on the bench like a gavel. BAM! BAM! BAM! It is DEAFENING! 
               Everyone covers their ears in pain.

               The THX Sound System Logo appears at the bottom of the 
               screen... along with "The Courtroom Is Listening"


               Ned turns the key... enters through the private door. He 
               HEARS the plaintive sound of a saxophone playing Lola's 
               Theme... his eyes drawn to the slightly opened door to the 
               outer office.


               A gorgeous pair of legs, sleek nylons, high-heeled shoes.

               There are several CANDY WRAPPERS, CIGARETTE BUTTS and other 
               pieces of TRASH stuck to the bottom of one shoe.


               pushes the door open. It's Lola. She wears a tight white 
               dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. The hat tips 
               up slowly, revealing her eyes.

                         I waited. You never came back.

               Ned reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wet paper towel.

                         I got busy. Here's that paper towel 
                         I promised.


                         How'd you get in? The door was locked.

               Lola proudly holds up a tiny bobbie pin. She smiles.

                         It's miraculous what a real woman 
                         can do... with a bobbie pin.

               Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally 
               chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She 
               pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES.


                         No... thanks. They're bad for ya.

               He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft 
               cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring.

                         Yes, I know. I like things that are 
                         bad for me.
                              (touching lawbooks)
                         So... I hear you go both ways.

               Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup.

                         Only once. It was a fraternity prank. 
                         I never saw him again.

               He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand.

                         No, I mean... you're a cop and a 

                         Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of 
                         scum out there on the streets... but 
                         they all deserve a fair and costly 

               Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the 
               waste basket. He misses.

               Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She 
               sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to 
               pick it up.

                         I'll get that.

               She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket.

                         Oh... Laura... this is, uh...

                         Lola Cain.

               Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps 
               toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing 
               the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking 
               Laura's hand with a condescending air.

                         So lovely to meet you, Laura.

               Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing 
               each lawbook in its proper slot.

               The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then 
               aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" 
               as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. 
               Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away.

                         Gotta keep these darn books in their 
                         right place or we'll never find the 
                         ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... 
                         R thru B... W thru F...

               Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm 
               lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles 
               over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, 
               twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels!

               Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola 
               strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She 
               takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the 
               couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt.

                         It's getting late. I'll give you a 
                         ride home, Ned.

               Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles.

                         I have my car.

                         I'll tow you.

                         Not today. You don't need to wait. 
                         I'll see you tomorrow.

               Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves 
               reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame 
               chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned.

                         I should call someone to fix this...


               She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door...

                         I'll call from home.

               ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola 
               sits in the chair across from him.

                         I think I should warn you, Mr. 
                         Ravine... I'm not wearing any 

               She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, 
               re-crosses them in the other direction.

               Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair 
               of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box 
               labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another 
               pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola.

                         Try these on.

               She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they 

                         So... what can I do for you?

                         I've run across some... papers... 
                         and I thought you might be able to 
                         tell me what they are. You see, I'm 
                         not very experienced when it comes 
                         to... papers.

                         I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. 
                         Do you have the... papers... here?

                         No... they're at home. I thought you 
                         might stop by...

                         I'm on duty tonight.

                         Don't they ever give you a night 

                         Yeah. Tomorrow.

                              (picks up cigarette)
                         Why don't we meet tomorrow evening 

               She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... 
               "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, 
               pauses... turns to him.

                         I'll let you know where.

                              (steps over to her)
                         What's wrong with my office?

               She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke.

                         Nothing a good interior decorator 
                         couldn't fix.

               She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, 
               the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme."

               CLOSE ON LOLA

               She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches 
               O.S. with it... toward Ned.

                         Take care of this for me, will ya?

               With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door.

               ANGLE ON NED

               The cigarette is stuck in his nose.

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed 
               in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt.

                         I came back for my shower cap.

               Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She 
               kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap 
               with a gaudy floral design on his head.

                         Yeah, well you came to the right 

               She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing 
               the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers.

                         Sit down.

               He sits in a chair, looking around.

                         Where is he?

                         On duty all night. By the time he 
                         wraps up his reports, it'll be close 
                         to noon tomorrow.

               She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers.

                         I was just reading over...

               She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap.

                         Take off the hat, Frank.

               He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues.

                         I was just reading over my husband's 
                         insurance policies. You wouldn't 
                         know anything about insurance, would 
                         you, Frankie?

                         Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies 
                         part-time. I got half a brain... or 
                         didn't you notice?

                         I musta had my eye on something else.
                              (hands him papers)
                         How about a translation.

               He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging.

                         Standard accident policy... all the 
                         usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The 
                         face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three 
                         million bucks!
                              (flips page)
                         And there's a triple indemnity rider.


                         Aw, it's just something agents throw 
                         in so we can boost the premium. If 
                         the policy holder dies under very 
                         specific conditions, it pays off 
                         three times the face value of the 

                         Nine million dollars...?

                         Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the 
                         company. Nobody ever collects.

                         Why not?

                         Well, like here... it only pays off 
                         if he's shot with a pistol, falls 
                         from a moving northbound train and 
                         drowns in a fresh water stream.

                         All three?

                         See what I mean, sweetheart? What 
                         are the odds of that?

                         It could happen.
                              (dramatic beat)
                         Suppose it did happen?

                         Then you'd be rich.

                         Then we'd be rich.

                         What're you sayin'...?

               She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to 
               his, speaking with a persuasive urgency.

                         We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! 
                         And I know exactly how! He has a 
                         legal symposium in Santa Barbara 
                         this weekend... All we have to do is 
                         get him to take the train up instead 
                         of driving.

                         How we gonna do that? Didn't you 
                         tell me he hates trains?

                         That's where you come in, baby. You're 
                         gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. 
                         That should be no problem for you.

               She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her 
               fingers at her side. He follows.

               She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale-
               model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO-
               Scale model trains chugging around the tracks.

               She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot.

                         Then... we give him a lift to the 
                         train station... through Dealey Plaza, 
                         past the Book Suppository and around 
                         the grassy knoll...

                         Isn't that out of our way?

               Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a 
               screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. 
               A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's 
               back. We can read the words: THE PLAN.

                         Move, Frank.

               He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen.

                         And pay attention.

               As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her 
               rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail 
               route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a 
               huge dollar sign!

                         Ten minutes out of the station he'll 
                         be standing in the vestibule between 
                         cars... trying to avoid a panic 
                         attack. Fourteen minutes and ten 
                         seconds out, the train crosses the 
                         Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen 
                         minutes and fifty-four seconds, I 
                         shoot him, shove him out the door... 
                         he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! 
                         A triple play. We're rich!

               The lights click ON.

                         You been thinking about this a lot, 
                         haven't you?

                         No. It just came to me.
                              (closer, seductive)
                         I had this image of a big, powerful, 
                         throbbing train... plunging into a 
                         long, dark, wet tunnel.

               They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. 
               The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a 
               long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel.


               Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG 
               MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the 
               toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool.

                         Stand over there and shut up!

                                     GANG MEMBER #1
                         Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you 
                         be layin' no deleterious malfeasance 
                         on us.

               Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again!

                         Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want 
                         to hear language like that!

               Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming 

                         Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. 
                         You seem a little tense tonight. 
                         What is it?

               Ned regains his composure. He's depressed.

                         Aw... I don't know. I guess it's 
                         Lana. It's just... I know she wants 
                         to have a baby so bad...

               Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening.

                         ...but I never get to spend any time 
                         with her. And when I am home... it's 
                         like she's, you know... avoiding 

               Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening.

                                     GANG MEMBER #1
                         You should try to be more sensitive, 
                         man. More romantic. Bring her flowers.

               He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder.

                                     GANG MEMBER #1
                         Try to understand how she feels. 
                         After all...

               He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"...

                                     GANG MEMBER #1
                         She may be weary... Women do get 
                         weary... Wearing that same old shabby 
                         dress... But when she's weary... Try 
                         a little ten-der-ness...

               The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a 
               sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some 
               smooth group choreography.

               The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey-
               eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT.

               The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being 
               booked... and they start to slow dance.

               Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on 
               his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, 
               covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder.

                         That can't be it. I'm the tenderest 
                         guy on the force. Nah... I think 
                         she's just afraid she won't be able 
                         to get pregnant.

                         What's to be afraid! It's like making 
                         breakfast! You bring home the bacon... 
                         she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it 
                         up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got 
                         an omelette in the oven!
                              (a beat, then)
                         Why don't you knock off early... go 
                         home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake 
                         up in the morning and find you there 
                         for a change.

                         Naw... I can't. I got all this 

                         Don't worry about that.

                                     GANG MEMBER #1
                         We'll do our own paperwork, man!

                                     OTHER GANG MEMBERS
                         Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit.

               Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members 
               as he heads for the door.


               The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters.

               IN THE BEDROOM

               It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed.

               INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN

               Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter 
               open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits 
               her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, 
               snoring. She's laying between both men!

               Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... 
               indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. 
               The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on 

               Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall 
               out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. 
               Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping 
               on the TV REMOTE CONTROL.

               A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... 
               clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but 
               it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD 
               SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW.

               Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all 
               the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING!

                                     WILLARD SCOTT
                              (on television)
                         ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of 
                         Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and 
                         thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of 
                         female! Smokes three cigars a day, 
                         drinks a straight shot of vodka at 
                         bedtime... and still has sex!

               The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for 
               it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm.

               Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, 
               nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold.

               Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor 
               CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the 
               door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like 
               the piercing metal brakes of a train!

               He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. 
               It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand 
               and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE 
               RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales.

               A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling 
               a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated.

                         Damn birds!

               He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window.

               EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING

               Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant 
               smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face!

               EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

               Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, 
               glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING 
               BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... 
               a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel 
               shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her.


               INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY

               The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, 
               hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed.

                         My God, Ned... you look like you 
                         were hit by a bus.

                         I was.
                         Who's in my office?

                         Max Shady's mother.

                         Not again.

               INSIDE THE OFFICE

               MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits 
               in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter.

                         Hello, Mrs. Shady.

               Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical 
               blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes.

                         Laura... check on my insurance. Make 
                         sure it's paid up.

               Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, 
                         is getting out of prison tomorrow.

                              (checks his watch)
                         Gee, has it been seven years already?

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Seven long, miserable years in the 
                         slammer. And he's a bit pissed off.

                         Well, being locked in a tiny room 
                         with no TV can make a guy feel pretty 

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         I'm very concerned about him, Mr. 
                         Ravine. He said you were a two-bit 
                         shyster... and he's going to rip 
                         your head off and use it for a bowling 

               He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, 
               looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace.

                         I'm sure the experience wasn't all 
                         negative. He probably made a lot of 

                                     MRS. SHADY
                              (ever hopeful)
                         You think?

                         ...learned a useful trade...

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Oh yes... live autopsies...

                         ...caught up on all those books he 
                         wanted to read...

               She struggles to her feet feebly...

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Maybe so... but he said he's going 
                         to punch you in the testicles...

               She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He 
               doubles over, gasping.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         ...smash your face...

               She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him 
               with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He 
               collapses over the desk.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         ...and decimate your wardrobe.

               She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the 

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         And I wouldn't want that to happen.
                              (spanks his butt)
                         He's a naughty naughty boy. I just 
                         thought I should warn you.

               She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                              (to Laura)
                         Bye for now.
                              (pauses by desk)
                         Oh... may I have a cookie?

                              (at file cabinet)

               She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at 
               Laura... as she heads out the door.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Thank yooooooooou.

               Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He 
               staggers unsteadily by the desk.

                         Oh my God, Ned.

                         I hate when she comes to see me.

                         Don't you realize, Ned?... you could 
                         be in real danger.

                              (sees file)
                         What's that?

                         Extreme peril. You know, the risk of 
                         personal bodily harm.

                              (points at file)
                         No... I mean that.

                         Your insurance file. But the policy's 
                         missing. Did you take it home?

                         I don't think so.

               Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then...

                         Oh, wait a second...

               She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a 
               drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS!

               She is holding...

               A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH

               of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn 
               around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed 
               across his face.


               HER HUSBAND'S FACE

               peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece 
               of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line.


               Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers.

               The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung 
               towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom 
               edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes.

               Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck.


               Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and 
               aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling...

                                     LAURA'S HUSBAND

               EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

               Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable 
               float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to 
               sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside.


               -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house.

               -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very 
               wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and 

               -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a 
               secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown 
               paper bag.

               -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then...

               -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor.

               -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. 
               She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing 
               the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. 
               She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring.

               -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the 
               ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and 
               flies off.


               Sequence omitted from original script.

               -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open 
               window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... 
               into the toilet bowl!

               EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING

               Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the 
               deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer.

               INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM

               Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet 
               bowl... looking off with demonic rage!


               THE CAMERA PULLS BACK

               from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure 
               terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face!

               We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. 
               Laura is completely drenched!

                         Laura! Are you alright? That was a 
                         very long flashback you had.

               She snaps out of it, sputtering.

                         Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a 
                         little... pre-menstrual.

               She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message 
               spike and turns to Ned.

                         That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped 
                         by. She left this!

               She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card 
               stuck on the end. He pulls it off.


               It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of 
               It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". 
               The edges of the card are scorched.

               INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT

               It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody 
               is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes.

               Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg 
               crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to 
               the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK.

               He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles.

                         Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked 
                         me to take care of this.

               He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. 
               It has a very long ash.


               She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out 
               through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! 
               More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then...

                         You smoke too much.
                              (looks around, then)
                         It's hot tonight.

                         Is it? I never know. My body heat 
                         runs about twenty degrees above 

               He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone 
               begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a 
               QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously 
               bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from 
               the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. 
               None of the band members miss a beat.

                         Maybe we should look for a cooler 

                         I doubt we'll find one. Even the 
                         wind chimes on my porch aren't moving 
                         much these days. They keep thudding 
                         softly, like dairy cows bumping butts 
                         in the night. I go out there expecting 
                         to find a cool breeze... but it's 
                         just a lot of hot air.

               Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across 
               from them. They're staring coldly at Ned.

                         What're they lookin' at?

                         A lot of them have tried that seat. 
                         You're the first one's lasted this 

                         I feel honored.

                         Don't. It's broken.

               A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! 
               Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over.

                         Did you bring the... papers?

                         No. I thought you might come over...

                         Sure. I'll drive you.

                         I brought my own car.

                         I'll follow you then.

                         I know it sounds silly, but would 
                         you leave first... wait in your car? 
                         I come here a lot and I wouldn't 
                         want those men to think I'm "easy"... 
                         a slut who'll jump into bed with 
                         anyone at the drop of a hat. But if 
                         you leave first...

                         ...they'll think I'm a putz for 
                         passing up a sure thing.

               Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. 
               He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, 
               she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar!

                              (for all to hear)
                         Now leave me alone!

               She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks 
               up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to 
               his feet and staggers to the door.

               INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT

               Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. 
               Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME 
               starts playing.

               A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, 
               turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are 
               partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light.

               ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD

               He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left.

               INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT

               Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins 
               faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel!

               EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a 
               large two story house surrounded by lush greenery.

               Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side 
               and sticking out crazily.

               ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV

               It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her 
               long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. 
               She casually shakes it off... going to the front door.

               INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows.

                         Well, here we are... in the dark.

                         I have The Clapper.

                         You what?

               Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She 
               smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then 
               goes up the stairs.

               Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her.


               Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens 
               of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch.

                         My wind chimes.

               Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" 
               against each other.

                         You know, these would work a lot 
                         better if you took them out of the 

               He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal 
               chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze.

                         Well well... I guess you have been 
                         around. I'm impressed.

               She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy.

                         Why don't we take a look at those... 

                         Papers. Right.


               Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, 
               pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel.

               INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The 
               Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back 
               in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper.

                         That's it? These are the... papers?

                         Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can 
                         you tell me what they are?

               He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious.

                         This one's a laundry receipt... and 
                         the other one's an expired lottery 

               He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away.

                         No. You keep them... as a memento of 
                         our time together.

               She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously 
               slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him 

                         I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay 
                         you for all you've done?

                         Cash would be nice.

                         Isn't there some other way?

                         I suppose you could wash my car.

                         No, I mean, isn't there something 
                         else you want? Something I could 
                         give you?

               She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders.

                         Hey... slow down... there's a speed 
                         limit in this state. Sixty-five miles 
                         an hour.

                         How fast was I going, officer?

                         Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three.

                         Suppose you pull me over and frisk 

                         Suppose I let you off with a warning?

                         Suppose I find a cop with a bigger 

                         Suppose I put you under arrest for 
                         being a bad girl with bad thoughts?

                         Suppose you handcuff me to the bed?

                              (rapid run-on)
                         Suppose I do and then we lose the 
                         key and while I'm gone to get a 
                         duplicate made the house catches on 
                         fire and I can't get back to save 
                         you because the bridge is washed out 
                         and so you die a horrible death 
                         toasted like a Polish sausage on a 
                         flaming spit!
                              (shakes his head)
                         Nah... I better be going.

               He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless.

               EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

               Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. 
               She looks into his eyes with desire.

                         You're not so tough. Last chance.

               She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then...

                         No thanks. I got a cold shower and a 
                         wife who trusts me waiting at home.

                         What's the matter? Don't you want 
                         me? It's the way I look, isn't it?

               He steps out, pauses... turns to her.

                         Don't forget to lock up.

               Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his 
               car, realizing something, heaves a sigh, goes back to the 

               He tries the knob, but the door is locked. He looks through 
               the small window. He sees Lola standing inside... breathing 
               heavily, bracing herself against the staircase bannister, 
               hand to her heaving chest as if to calm a pounding heart.

               He pushes against the door. It won't budge. He goes to the 
               large window, gazing inside. She slides one hand enticingly 
               across her breast and thigh, striking a seductive pose.

               He points toward the door, motioning for her to unlock it. 
               She looks away. Frustrated, Ned tries the window. It's locked.

               He picks up a wrought iron chair, SLAMS it into the window! 
               The heavy chair falls apart. The glass doesn't even vibrate!

               He sees a riding power mower in the driveway... jumps into 
               the seat, starts the engine... barreling toward the front of 
               the house! THUNDER CRASHES and LIGHTNING FLASHES in the sky!

               He PLOWS into the side of the house, SMASHING a huge hole 
               thru the wall!... MOWING a swath in the carpet!

               Lola GASPS. Ned climbs off the mower, moving toward her. She 
               opens her arms, breathless. The MUSIC SWELLS dramatically! 
               She intercepts him, embracing him passionately.

                         I knew you'd come back...

                              (looking past her)
                         I forgot my car keys.

               He struggles free, grabbing his car keys from the hall table. 
               She follows, embracing him again, even more tenaciously.

                         That's not what you came back for.

                         Yes it is.

               Impatient, she crushes her mouth against his, kissing him 
               hard, desperately clawing at his clothes. She's relentless... 
               devouring him with her lips and tongue.

               Overwhelmed, he succumbs to her passion. His car keys drop 
               from his hand. She pushes him down toward the floor.

               LOW ANGLE - AT FLOOR LEVEL

               Her hands grasp his shirt, ripping it open. The buttons fly 
               in all directions! She grabs at his leather belt, twisting 
               it in her hands... ripping it in two!

               She grabs his pants by the cuffs... rips one pant leg off! 
               Then the other!... tossing them over each shoulder!

               Ned and Lola tumble across the floor, arms and legs 
               entangled... rolling themselves up in a rug in the process.

               ANGLE - FIREPLACE

               A roaring fire. We HEAR O.C. MOANING and HEAVY BREATHING. 
               The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to a sheepskin rug in front of the 
               fireplace. No one is there! A crystal vase falls, CRASHING 
               on the stone hearth. The CAMERA TILTS UP to REVEAL Ned and 
               Lola... stretched out on the mantle, ravishing each other.


               The door suddenly BURSTS OPEN! Ned and Lola tumble out... 
               wrapped in each other's arms, food tumbling out with them.


               Sequence omitted from original script.


               The table wiggles. The CAMERA MOVES UP to REVEAL Ned and 
               Lola kissing passionately. She lays on the table, arms and 
               legs stretched upward... a spinning plate balanced on the 
               pointed finger of each hand... and a large spinning platter 
               balanced on the end of her pointed left toe. Her right foot 
               brushes the platter to keep it spinning. The Ed Sullivan 
               Show position.

               SEVERAL ANGLES - IN BED

               -- Ned and Lola's entangled legs, moving under the sheets.

               -- Ned sitting, wrists tied to the brass bed with silk 

               -- Lola, also with her wrists tied to the bed with silk 

               -- Then... A WIDER ANGLE... revealing that they are BOTH 
               tied... at opposite ends of the same bed!


               Wrapped in each other's arms, they tumble down the stairs... 
               crashing into a workbench, still kissing passionately!

               ANGLE - A WALL SOCKET

               Ned's hand plugs in a cord. RACK FOCUS to a soft lamb's wool 
               BUFFER WHEEL rising into frame, WHIRRING. It dips into an 
               open can of FLOOR WAX... then moves over to Lola's naked 
               body, buffing the surface of her skin to a high gloss. The 
               CAMERA MOVES to her EYES. They're CROSSED in ecstasy.

               ANGLE - THE BEDROOM FLOOR

               along the mattress. The bed moves with a jerky rhythm. The 
               CAMERA REVEALS Lola's hand, grasping the sheet tightly. WE 
               MOVE UP to Lola, lying face down against the pillow.

                         ...don't... stop...

               FULL SHOT - THE BED

               Ned jumps up and down on the bed like a trampoline! Lola is 
               on her stomach, bouncing each time Ned's feet hit the bed.

                         ...Oh Ned... please... don't... 

               He does a complete BACK FLIP!... then keeps bouncing.

               EXT. THE ROOFTOP - NIGHT

               The wind blows. THUNDER and LIGHTNING! RAIN pours down.

               Ned and Lola, both in yellow rain slickers, ravish each other 
               lustfully on the roof, sliding down the incline of shingles. 
               Oblivious to the peril, they slip right over the edge!

               They hang from the eaves trough, each clutching it with one 
               hand while still holding one another with their free arms... 
               kissing passionately. The trough breaks! They fall!

               ANGLE - THE GROUND BELOW

               They roll out of the bushes onto the lawn, arms and legs 
               entangled. They fall apart, gasping for breath. A beat.

                         That takes care of foreplay.

               Ned's eyes widen. Lola grins lustily, rolling on top of him.

               INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING

               The cell wall is a clutter of PHOTOS: Hitler... Mussolini... 
               Charles Manson... and his mother, Mrs. Shady.

               A man's muscular naked torso rises into frame, his back to 
               us. He's doing pull-ups, his body covered with TATTOOS!

               Quotes on each arm... "Don't have a cow, man!" - Bart 
               Simpson... and "I know you are, but what am I?" - Pee Wee 

               On one shoulder, a gravestone with the epitaph "I told you I 
               was sick!"

               In the center of his back... we see a big tattoo of Ned's 
               face labeled "DEAD MEAT."

               A GUARD opens the cell door.

                         It's time, Max.

               The prisoner turns. He's butt-ugly, hard, nasty looking. 
               It's MAX SHADY... with a HUGE "Double Corona" CIGAR in his 
               mouth. On his chest is a tattoo that reads: THIS SPACE FOR 
               RENT. He walks right toward the CAMERA LENS and the FRAME 
               goes TO BLACK.

                                                              MATCH CUT TO:

               BLACK FRAME


               Two huge iron doors swing open and a mob of milling REPORTERS 
               rushes forward, surrounding Max Shady. He wears a blue suit 
               just like Ned's. The Reporters have no microphones, but shove 
               their empty hands at Max as if they do. They shout questions.

                                     REPORTER #1
                         Mr. Shady! What's the first thing 
                         you're gonna do now that you're out?

                                     MAX SHADY
                         Find Ned Ravine... rip his head off 
                         and use it for a bowling ball!

                                     REPORTER #2
                         Are you a good bowler?

                                     REPORTER #3
                         You ever bowled a three-hundred game?

                                     REPORTER #4
                         How would you handle a seven-ten 

                                     REPORTER #1
                         Say, aren't you wearing one of 
                         Ravine's "trademark" blue suits?

                                     MAX SHADY
                         Yeah. The bastard gave it to me as a 
                         gift... to make up for losing my 
                         case. Now I'm going to wear it to 
                         his friggin' funeral!!

               Shady sees someone o.s., waves like a gleeful little kid.

                                     MAX SHADY

               INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - MORNING

               A ceiling fan rotates slowly... a pair of shorts and a nylon 
               stocking hanging from the blades. The house is a wreck!

               The CAMERA MOVES DOWN to Ned and Lola, both reclining in a 
               big claw-foot bathtub, facing each other, their arms draped 
               lazily over the sides. Ned's eyes are closed.

               "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo in the b.g.

               Lola's hand reaches for an ICE PICK on the floor, raising it 
               up slowly. Then... CLICK!... ignites the cigarette lighter 
               in the handle, touching the flame to the end of her cigarette.

               She chips away a big chunk of ice from the block in a silver 
               ice bucket beside her... then sensuously rubs the ice across 
               her breasts. Ned winces at the sight of this.

               Lola smiles at him, then lets the chunk of ice slide into 
               the water... and pushes it between Ned's legs. He cringes, 
               eyes crossed. The familiar repetition of MUSICAL notes from 
               the stereo DRONES LOUDER... grabbing Ned's attention.

                         That's Madam Butterfly, isn't it?

                         Iron Butterfly. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

                         Oh yeah, sure... now I can hear it.

                         It tells the sad story of a woman 
                         who is rejected by her lover after a 
                         brief, but torrid, affair... so she 
                         stalks him with an ice pick and stabs 
                         him with it more than a thousand 

                         Really? I never could understand the 

               He lifts his feet out of the water, dangles them over each 
               side of the tub. He's still wearing one blue sock. Lola raises 
               her feet out of the water. She's still wearing her high heel 
               shoes. They are dripping.

                         You know, what happened last night 
                         was very, uh...

                         Yes... it was. I should check on my 
                         homeowners insurance.

                         But we can't ever let it happen again. 

                         What are you saying, Ned? That you're 
                         rejecting me, your lover, after a 
                         brief, but torrid, affair?!

               Ned pulls his feet in, sits up... suddenly feeling vulnerable. 
               He measures his words very, very carefully.

                         I wouldn't put it exactly like that. 
                         It's just that... well, I'm married 
                         to a wonderful woman... who is very, 
                         very attractive...
                              (but adds quickly)
                         ...not that you aren't very 

               His voice begins to ECHO and FADE as the CAMERA MOVES IN to 
               a CU of Lola's enraged EYES!

                              (voice echoing)
                aren't very attractive... you 
                         aren't very attractive... you aren't 
                         very attractive...

               And then WE SEE...

               A CLOSE SHOT of her hand, grasping the ice pick... scratching 
               it along the side of the tub, peeling back the porcelain. A 
               GRATING SCREECH OVERLAPS to...

               INT. PET STORE - DAY

               TIGHT on a SCREECHING TROPICAL BIRD. We PULL BACK to reveal 
               Ned looking around the store. His ripped pants have been 
               temporarily repaired with big pieces of masking tape. A CLERK 
               steps over with two big Parrots on her shoulders.

                         Don't touch anything. You bond with 
                         it... you buy it. Whatdya want?

                         I'd like to buy a pet.

               She eyes him suspiciously.

                         Yeah. For what purpose?

                         It's a gift... for my wife.

                         Right. They all say that.

                         She spends a lot of time alone. I 
                         thought it might be nice if she had 
                         something to keep her company.

                         Yeah. Sure. I bet. How do I know 
                         you're not the kind of guy who punches 
                         out parakeets? Or takes some poor 
                         defenseless animal, throws it in a 
                         sack and runs over it with your car 
                         five or six times.

                         I would never hurt an animal.

                         Boy, I would. They're driving me 

               Turns and SHOUTS at the noisy birds.


               They do. She turns back to Ned.

                         Okay... tell me more about this broad 
                         you're married to. I like to match 
                         people with the pets they deserve.

               INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY

               A typical police squad room... smoke-filled, cluttered, busy. 
               Arch sits at a desk doing paperwork, surrounded by the Gang 
               Members... who are also filling out papers. Arch SINGS to 
               himself, munching on nachos from a big pile of chips. The 
               Gang Members harmonize with him.

               A Gang Member reaches for a nacho chip. Arch grabs for the 
               gun in his shoulder holster.


               The Gang Member drops the chip. Arch pops it in his mouth, 
               continues singing. The Gang Members join in with harmony.

               Ned enters in the background, carrying a box with airholes 
               in it. He steps over to his desk, looking at the singing 
               Gang Members, then motions like a choir leader, cutting them 
               off neatly.

                         You do all my paperwork?

               They all hand over their completed paperwork. Ned stares at 
               them for a beat... surprised.

                         Get out of here.

               They do. He opens the files... checks out the papers. Arch 
               notices something O.S. and gets up.

                         And a damn good job, too. One of 'em 
                         even did it in Spanish.

               Arch turns the sound up on a wall-mounted TV monitor.

                         Hey Ned! Catch this! Friend of yours.

               On the screen... it's Max Shady speaking to the press.

                                     MAX (O.S.)
                              (on T.V.)
                         ...I'd like to reach down Ned Ravine's 
                         throat and pull out his guts with my 
                         bare hands!

                         Jesus... you hear that?

                         He's just working through his anger, 
                         trying to find a constructive outlet.

                         Are you kiddin'! He'll do it! The 
                         guy's a friggin' looney!

                         Trust me, I spent a lot of time with 
                         him when I was preparing his case. 
                         He's really a very sweet, sensitive 
                         human being.

                              (on T.V.)
                         I'd like to mash his head like a 
                         ripe melon...

                         He gets a little melon-dramatic.

                              (on T.V.)
                         ...then cut off all his fingers and 
                         rip out his liver with my teeth!

                         See. Loves to exaggerate.

               Arch slumps in his chair, really stunned.

                         Christ, Ned... you're in deep shit.

               Ned laughs it off. He starts checking through the messages 
               and paperwork on his desk. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up.

                         Lieutenant Ravine.

               Ned's face darkens. He turns away.


               Speaking into the phone... intense, obsessive.

                         I want to see you, Ned.

               INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY

                              (whispering harshly)
                         I told you not to call me! It's 
                         finished between us. No. No, I'm not 
                         sucking anything of yours anymore!
                              (voice gets louder)
                         It's done! OVER!

               He SLAMS the receiver down, shattering the phone! Everyone 
               stares at Ned in stunned silence.

                              (shrugs it off)
                         Wrong number.

               INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DAY

               She's in the bathtub, phone receiver in one hand, still 
               jabbing at the porcelain tub with the ice pick. Water squirts 
               from the holes she's punctured in the side of the tub. She 
               flings the ice pick at the wall. It sticks!

               EXT. PARK - DAY

               Lana is seated on a park bench wearing a trenchcoat, hat and 
               sunglasses. Frank walks up, looks around nervously, pretending 
               not to know Lana. He sits down next to her.

                         How come we gotta meet here?

                         We have to be careful now. We can't 
                         risk being seen together at the house 
                         or someone might connect us to the 
                         murder later on.

               She hands him a hat.

                         Here... put this on.

               She takes her sunglasses off, looks at him. He hesitates, 
               staring at the hat. A dignified looking OLDER GENTLEMAN 
               approaches. Frank quickly slips the hat on his head.

               The Older Gentleman sits on the bench across from them. He 
               opens a paper sack and begins neatly laying his lunch out 
               next to him. An apple, sandwich, napkin, Mountain Dew.

                              (whispers to Frank)
                         Speak Yiddish.


                         Red Yiddish.

               We see the SUB-TITLE "Speak Yiddish." From this point on, 
               all their dialog is in YIDDISH... but it appears in ENGLISH 
               SUB-TITLES across the bottom of the screen.

                         Ich hobe getracht, efsher iz der 
                         nisht geshtoigen un nisht gefloygen.
                              (I been thinkin'... 
                              maybe this plan is 
                              too complicated.)

                         Zein nisht azoy meshige! Der plan iz 
                         kosher vi yosher.
                              (Quit worrying. The 
                              plan is perfect.)


               He tosses crumbs of his sandwich to the pigeons, occasionally 
               glancing up at Frank and Lana. Whenever they speak, however, 
               his eyes look down toward their legs.


               with SUB-TITLES across the bottom of screen, about knee-level.

                         Yo! Ober mir darfen imvarfen in tsug. 
                         Un schissen un schtippen in vasser 
                         arein. Oy a broch! Mir zenen git 
                              (Yeah, but we gotta 
                              get him on the train, 
                              shoot him... then 
                              push him in the river. 
                              There's a million 
                              ways we can screw 

                         Vus iz mit idr? Die host a vaichen 
                              (You're not going 
                              soft on me, are you?)

                         Ven hob ich gehat a vaichen schmoke?
                              (When have I ever 
                              gone soft on you?)

                         Lest'n Yomkippur.
                              (Last Yom Kippur.)

                         Nu shoin, ein mul. Es paseert tsie 
                         yeyden man.
                              (Okay... once! It 
                              happens to every 

               He looks around nervously.

                         Oy! Mir vellen zein oif groise tsures. 
                         Me'vet unz chap'n.
                              (We're going to be in 
                              big trouble. They're 
                              going to catch us.)

                                     OLDER GENTLEMAN
                         There's very little risk involved. 
                         Statistics reveal that less than 
                         thirty-two percent of all murderers 
                         are ever apprehended.

               They both look at him... stunned. A long beat.

                         You speak Yiddish?

                                     OLDER GENTLEMAN
                         No. But I can read sub-titles.

               Frank and Lana are speechless. But across the bottom of the 
               screen we see a SUB-TITLE reflecting their thoughts.

                         Oy vay!

               INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY

               Ned enters, carrying the box. He sets it down on her desk.

                         Oh gee, you shouldn't have...

                         I didn't. It's for my wife.

               He goes into his office, starts to change out of his tattered 
               suit. Laura talks to him from the outer office.

                         She called. Wondered why you never 
                         came home last night. I told her you 
                         were working with a client, 

               She steps into the doorway of his office.

                         Were you?


                         There's lipstick on your collar.

               She returns to her desk. Disturbed, Ned quickly pulls the 
               shirt collar out, checks it.

                         No there isn't.

                         No... there isn't. But you answered 
                         my question. She's a real looker, 


                         Lola Cain.

                         I hadn't noticed.

               She opens the blinds behind her and looks at Ned through the 
               window between their offices.

                         Yeah, I noticed how you hadn't 
                              (returns to work)
                         That's alright. She noticed enough 
                         for both of us.

               She picks up a stack of papers from the FAX machine. Ned 
               steps into the doorway, wearing a clean shirt.

                         I worry about you, Ned. I worry a 
                              (hands him papers)
                         Max Shady's been faxing death threats 
                         to you all morning.

                              (reading bits)
                         ...stick a knife in your...
                              (reacts, next)
                the eyeballs out of your...
                razor-sharp spikes under 

                         Did you get to the one...?

                         ...cut it off... shove it in a 

                         Yeah... that one.

                              (tosses them aside)
                         He's just getting it out of his 
                         system. Once they say it... they 
                         never do it. You know... like the 

               There's a KNOCK at the door. They look up to see an ominous 
               SILHOUETTE of a MAN on the milkglass. Ned starts toward the 
               door. Laura grabs his arm, stopping him.

                         Wait. It might be him.

               She opens her purse, pulls out a big COLT .45, holding it 
               out to him. Ned stares at it, taken aback.

                         Where did you get that?

                              (as if obvious)
                         From my purse.

                         What are you doing with it?

                              (still obvious)
                         Handing it to you.

                         Jeez, Laura, what do you use a gun 

                         You shoot it. A bullet comes out. 
                         Gosh, Ned, after all your years as a 
                         cop, I'd think you'd know these 

                         Laura... put the gun away.

               He hands the gun back to her... goes to the door... opens 
               it. There's a young DELIVERY MAN holding a bouquet of flowers.

                                     DELIVERY MAN
                              (checks card)
                         Flowers for Ned Rav...
                              (looks up)
                         Hey... aren't you that lawyer guy? 
                         Man, you are dead meat!

               Ned grabs the flowers, slams the door. Laura takes the 
               envelope from the flowers... opens it.

                         Is this another sick joke from Max 

               She looks at the card... her expression turning cold.

                         What is it...?

                              (hands it to him)
                         Lola Cain.

               She grabs the flowers... takes them into the bathroom.

                         I'll put these in water for you.

               Ned opens the envelope. An audio cassette drops into his 
               hand. Written on the label: PLAY ME.

               From the bathroom, we hear the LOUD SOUND of a TOILET 

               INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT

               It's raining. Ned pops the cassette into the tape player.

                                     LOLA'S VOICE
                         Ned, darling... I know this seems 
                         like a strange way to talk with you... 
                         but since you won't take my calls, I 
                         have no other choice.
                              (then suddenly)
                         Watch it! That red car's turning 

               Ned swerves to avoid a collision, HONKING his horn.

                                     LOLA'S VOICE
                         I love you, Ned. We're meant to be 
                         together... forever.
                              (then suddenly)
                         The light's changing! Floor it! Go! 
                         Go! Go!

               Ned guns it!... accelerating through a yellow light.

                                     LOLA'S VOICE
                         Nice move!
                              (then sincere again)
                         Nothing can keep us apart, Ned. Not 
                         even your wife. I'd hate to have to 
                         tell her about us, but if necessary... 
                         I will.

               We see HEADLIGHTS behind Ned's car.

               INT. LOLA'S CAR - NIGHT

               She is following him, her eyes intense, obsessed. Dizzy sits 
               in the back seat, noodling softly on his saxophone.

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Ned steps into the living room carrying the box. Lana comes 
               down the stairs, pulling on a bathrobe.

                         What happened to you last night?

                              (guilty as charged)
                         Why? What have you heard?

                         You could have called. But then, I 
                         suppose you were tied up.

                              (reflecting back)
                         Only part of the time.

                         I never know when you're coming home, 
                         Ned. How can I ever make any plans?

               In the b.g., through the window, WE SEE Frank drop from the 
               second floor, right onto the seat of a waiting motorcycle. 
               He ZOOMS OFF into the night.

               Ned steps up behind Lana, slips his arms around her.

                         I promise I'll spend more time with 
                         you. I know it's been rough, being 
                         alone so much. But I'll make it up 
                         to you. Maybe we should try again, 
                         you know... to have a baby.

               She rolls her eyes at this... changes the subject.

                         So what's in the box?

                         Oh... I brought you a present!

               He hands it to her. She opens it, looks in. She looks up, 
               struggling unsuccessfully to hide a look of displeasure.

                         What is it?

                         It's... sorta like a cat.

               Ned pulls out a PET SKUNK and puts it in Lana's lap. She 
               forces a weak smile.

                         Not enough like a cat.

                         It's a little skunk. I got it at 

               EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

               Lola stands in the pouring rain outside, drenched... staring 
               at Lana and Ned through the window.

               INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

                         So... what're you going to name him?

                         How about... Ned?

                              (thinks about it)
                         Yeah. Got a nice ring to it. I've 
                         always liked the name Ned.

                         No kidding.

               He puts his arms around them both.

                         So whatdya think? You love Ned Junior 
                         as much as you love me?

                         At least.

               The phone RINGS. Lana stands up, unceremoniously dropping 
               the Skunk into Ned's arms. She goes into...

               THE ADJOINING ROOM

      answer the phone.

                         Hello?... Hello?... Hello?
                              (then, whispering)
                         Frank? Is that you?

               EXT. THE HOUSE - NIGHT

               Lola is in a glass telephone booth with venetian blinds and 
               a ceiling fan. She cracks the blinds open. In the background, 
               through a window, we can see Lana in the house on the phone.

                         I told you not to call. Frank? FRANK!

               INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

               Ned enters the cavernous marble rotunda, turns down a hallway 
               crowded with milling attorneys and defendants. Lola suddenly 
               intercepts him... a newspaper trailing from her high heel 

                         Who's Frank?

                         Frank? The only Frank I know is an 
                         auto mechanic... but I sure as hell 
                         wouldn't recommend the guy. He's 
                         really slow.

               He starts to move off, but she stops him, impassioned.

                         I had to see you, Ned. I need to 
                         feel your arms around me! I wanna 
                         suck your toes til the nails pop 

               Lola's voice ECHOES. BYSTANDERS gather, listening. Ned looks 
               around self-consciously, embarrassed.

                         I told you, what happened was a big 
                         mistake. A one night stand. It's 
                         over. I have a wife...

               The CROWD presses closer... not missing a thing. A WOMAN 
               snaps a FLASH PICTURE! A MAN turns on his video camera.

                         It doesn't matter. She'll know all 
                         about us soon anyway. I want YOU! In 
                         my bed... in my arms... in MEEEEEEE!

               Mortified, Ned spins on his heels and makes a bee-line for 
               the safety of the Men's Room. Lola holds up two tickets.

                         I got us tickets to see Iron 

                         I hate opera!

               INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY

               Ned bursts in, goes to the urinal... not noticing BEN ARUGULA, 
               an older gentleman in a business suit, standing at the urinal 
               next to him. A beat later... Lola enters.

                         Why are you running from me? Didn't 
                         it mean ANYTHING to you?... buffing 
                         my buns with carnuba wax?
                              (looks down)
                         Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr. Pokey 
                         want to go exploring?

                         He's busy right now.

               Arugula glances sideways at Ned, curious and uneasy.

                         Look, I told you... Mr. Pokey made a 
                         big mistake! One lousy mistake in 
                         his whole stinkin' life! So why don't 
                         you give him a BREAK! Besides... he 
                         belongs to my wife!

               EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY

               Lana FIRES her gun rapidly... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!... 
               over her shoulder, behind her back, under her leg.

               ANGLE ON TARGET

               A full-body cut-out of a man, wearing one of Ned's trademark 
               gray suits. A HUGE SMOKING HOLE has been blown right through 
               the crotch! Lana smirks, inhales the SMOKE from the gun 
               barrel... and blows it out.

               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               TILT DOWN from an official government seal that reads "ARS 
               GRATIA ARTIS." JUDGE Ben Arugula... the distinguished looking 
               gentleman from the men's room, sits on the bench. Ned, Laura 
               and a SLIMY DEFENDANT stand at the defense table.

                                     JUDGE ARUGULA
                         I'd like to congratulate Mr. Pokey 
                         for setting yet another unusual legal 
                         precedent. This is the first time 
                         I've ever tried a case in which the 
                         JURY was found to be insane.

               ANGLE - JURY AND BAILIFF

               The BAILIFF is handing out straitjackets to all the JURORS. 
               The Jury Foreman struggles to get his on and laced up.

                              (to another Juror)
                         What're you? A thirty-eight long?

               BACK TO JUDGE ARUGULA

                                     JUDGE ARUGULA
                         The jury will be remanded to the 
                         Center For Unclear Thinking in Simi 
                         Valley. Court's adjourned.


               The JURY is led from the courtroom in straitjackets and 
               chains. Ned and Laura follow them out.

                         Your BIRTHDAY! Today? Why didn't you 
                         tell me?

                         It's not important. I just had one 
                         last year.

                         Well, I'm taking you out to celebrate!

               In the b.g. the Slimy Defendant pulls a gun and forces 
               CITIZENS... including Judge Arugula... up against the wall, 
               robbing them!

                         Oh no no! It's no big thing. I'll 
                         have another one sometime.

                         I insist. And I want to get you a 
                         nice present.

                         You're so sweet. You don't have to. 
                         You gave me a present last year. 
                         Those lovely Ginzu knives.

                         Yeah... aren't they great! They last 
                         forever. And you can cut right through 
                         a shoe with 'em!

               As they walk off, we HOLD ON a CLOSE SHOT of a newspaper. 
               The headline reads: EX-CON STALKS COP/LAWYER NED RAVINE! 
               Below it is a picture of Max Shady, eyes wide with psychotic 
               rage... a huge cigar in his mouth, wearing a garish Hawaiian 

               Hands lower the newspaper... revealing Max himself, with the 
               same cigar, shirt and crazed look on his face.


               Laura models hats... each one becoming more outrageous. She 
               coaxes Ned into joining her. They BOTH try on WOMEN's hats... 
               smiling and laughing... as "Brown Eyed Girl" plays.

               In one of the mirrors, we SEE Max Shady's reflection... as 
               he also tries on women's hats, watching them, puffing his 


               Laura wears a baseball cap with beer cans attached to each 
               side with long, curved plastic straws. The cap emblem reads 
               "BEER BIMBO." A price tag hangs from it. She is beaming.

               In the b.g., Hawaiian DANCERS juggle flaming torches as they 
               dance around an ICE SCULPTURE of a Hula Dancer.

                         It's nice to be off the streets... 
                         away from all the pain and misery 
                         out there.

               Ned motions casually toward the world "out there"... sticking 
               his thumb into the eye of a WAITER who is bending over to 
               pick up a spoon, setting off a chaotic CHAIN REACTION of 
               small disasters that finally culminates with someone near 
               the dance floor bumping into the Torch Juggler, throwing his 
               rhythm off.

               Distracted, he starts catching the FLAMING ENDS of the 
               torches! OW! OH! YI! OUCH! YIPES!

               He drops them all. The Waiter who bumped into him, politely 
               picks up one of the flaming torches and hands it back to the 
               Torch Juggler. He grabs the flaming end of the torch... and 
               lets out a SCREAM!

               He lunges toward a voluptuous HULA GIRL ICE SCULPTURE, 
               grabbing the frozen breasts. His burned hands SIZZLE!

               Ned and Laura don't even notice... gazing only at each other.

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         What's he thinking when he looks at 
                         me with that goofy smile...?

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         Boy, does she look stupid in that 

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         If I told him how I really feel, 
                         he'd probably fire me. What am I 
                         saying? He probably doesn't even 
                         know I exist.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         Laura's incredible. And so smart. 
                         Smart enough to recognize that Ginzu 
                         knives are the gift of a lifetime.
                              (then, concerned)
                         But she never goes out with guys. I 
                         wonder why?

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         I guess I'll just have to wait. But 
                         he's married. I could wait forever. 
                         Than again... maybe Lana will get 
                         hit by a runaway truck. There's always 
                         a chance that...

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         But who cares if she... Oh, sorry.

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         That's alright. I was just rambling.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         Go ahead...

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         No, no, really... you first...

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         I insist... please...

                         Oh, uh... I just wanted to remind 
                         you about...

                         ...the Legal Symposium...

                Santa Barbara...


                                     NED & LAURA
                              (in unison)
                         ..."How To Sue Your Loved Ones."

                         Yeah. I'm driving up in the morning.

               ANGLE - MAX SHADY

               sits at a corner table wearing a chic beret from the hat 
               store, voraciously devouring a huge Hawaiian Pit Roasted 
               Pig. He wrenches the apple from the Pig's mouth... takes a 
               huge bite!

               BACK TO NED AND LAURA

               A saxophone begins to wail "Lola's Theme." Ned looks up, his 
               eyes drawn to the lounge. He sees...

               Lola... striking a sexy pose on a bar stool, eyes locked on 
               Ned. Dizzy walks thru, behind the bar, playing his sax.

               She grabs a handful of cherries from a glass on the bar, 
               shoves them in her mouth, cheeks bulging, tongue moving 
               furiously. A moment later, she pulls out a long chain of 
               inter-locked cherry stems.

               Ned reacts, shaken, glancing nervously at Laura. She smiles, 
               unaware. His eyes flash back to Lola.

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         He's so cute. He can't even look me 
                         in the eye.

               Ned's reacts intensely to...

               LOLA - NED'S POV

               She stretches out sensuously on the bar, executing a series 
               of humanly impossible erotic gymnastic positions! Then, 
               wrapping her legs around a brass pole, she spins no-handed... 
               until her thighs begin to SMOKE!


               The eyes of every MALE in the restaurant are riveted on Lola!

               CLOSER ON NED AND LAURA

               The table starts to rise slowly on Ned's side, glasses sliding 
               toward Laura. She reaches out to stop them... noticing Ned's 
               distracted expression.

                              (touching his arm)
                         What is it, Ned? You can tell me.

                              (sighs, reluctant)
                         I'm a man, Laura. And all men feel 
                         passion at one time or another. Even 


                         What would you think of a married 
                         man who gave in to those wild, 
                         sensual, raging desires?

                         Oh... wow... golly...

               She gulps, eyes wide. The DRUMS pound faster as the Dancers 
               in the b.g. pick up the frenetic tempo!

                         What if, for just one crazy moment, 
                         he couldn't resist...? He got knocked 
                         for a loop and lost control?

                              (smiles, eager)
                         Gosh... that might be okay.

               Breathless, she breaks a sweat, gasping for air. The DRUMS 
               beat LOUDER, FASTER. The b.g. Dancers whip into a frenzy!

                         What if a tidal wave of lust crashed 
                         over him and he was sucked into a 
                         vortex of wild, thrashing urges?

               Both of Laura's ballcap beer cans EXPLODE! Beer SPRAYS out 
               in a huge gush, drenching her! Ned is so preoccupied with 
               his own dilemma, he doesn't even notice. He heaves a sigh... 
               pats her hand... smiles philosophically.

                         Well... it's not your problem. I'll 
                         work it out.

               ANGLE - AN ICE PICK

               grasped tightly in Lola's hand. She walks toward Ned and 
               Laura, a seething rage in her eyes.

               As she passes the ice sculpture, she stabs the ice pick into 
               the crystalline Hula Dancer's neck! The head breaks off. She 
               catches it and keeps coming, tossing the head casually in 
               one hand, like a basketball.

               Lola appears suddenly at Ned and Laura's table. They look 

                              (to Laura)
                         Like some ice for your drink?

               She drops the ice Mermaid head. It shatters Laura's glass to 
               bits! Lola turns to Ned with a cold glare.

                         Does your wife know you're... 
                         "working" late? I certainly hope so, 
                         Mr. Ravine.

               She lights her cigarette with the ice pick lighter, then 
               flips it like a jackknife. It STICKS into Ned's chair, right 
               between his legs.

               Lola flashes a coldly arrogant smile at Laura... then exits.


               Frank opens the hood to Ned's car, holding a screwdriver in 
               one hand... a wrench in the other. He doesn't know where to 


               A NEWSBOY tosses a folded newspaper. It lands at Max Shady's 
               feet. Max picks up the paper, opens it. The headline says: 
               around self-consciously, eyes shifting uneasily.

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING

               Lana stands by the front door. She calls upstairs to Ned.

                         Hurry up, darling. You'll be late!

               Frank slips in, wearing his greasy overalls. He wipes his 
               hands on a rag... giving Lana a sly wink.

                         It's all taken care of. When do I 
                         knock on the door?

                         Wait until I signal you. When I raise 
                         the blinds... you knock.

               She steps over to the blinds and demonstrates. He knocks.

                         Not now!

                         Oh, later... right... okay.

               She nods, patronizing. Frank exits. Lana picks up the Skunk, 
               cuddling him. Ned comes down wearing his trademark gray suit. 
               Lana kisses him passionately... a final farewell.

                         Drive carefully, sweetheart. Say bye-
                         bye to Little Ned. He loves his 
                         daddy... don't you Stink Pot?

                              (pets the skunk)
                         See you tonight, Junior.

               As soon as Ned closes the door, Lana's smile vanishes and 
               she casually tosses the Skunk aside with a LOUD CRASH O.C.


               Ned turns the car key. Nothing. He gets out, opens the hood. 
               He stares... dumbfounded.

               INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING

               Ned comes in, visibly upset. Lana acts surprised.

                         What's wrong?

                         This neighborhood is getting worse 
                         all the time! Damn kids stole my 

                         Why don't you catch the train to 
                         Santa Barbara? It leaves in twenty 

                         I'll just fly up.


               Ned looks at her strangely. She catches herself.

                         I mean... you can't. Armed terrorists 
                         seized the airport this morning. A 
                         plane crashed into the tower... and 
                         all the runways are on fire!

                         Yeah. So?

                         And it's fogged in.


                         For my peace of mind... take the 

               Lana goes to the window, starts to raise the blinds.

                         I can't do it. You know how I feel 
                         about riding trains.

               She stops... letting the blinds drop down.

                         Darling... it's only a short trip.

                         Yeah... right. A short trip.

               She starts to raise the blinds again. He picks up the phone.

                              (he hesitates)
                         A short trip to hell in a metal tomb!

               He slams the receiver down. Lana drops the blinds again...

                         Just because both your parents died 
                         in a train wreck...

                         And my brother, Jeff...

                         And your brother, Morty...

                         My two sisters...


                         My best friend, Al... my dog, Woof... 
                         Grandma Rose... and Uncle Lionel. 
                         All killed by trains!

                              (very convincing)
                         Coincidence, Ned. Beside... that's 
                         the past. They're gone.

                              (sighs, resigned)
                         Yeah. I guess I can't bring them 
                         back by not riding on a train.

                         That's right.

               She starts to raise the blinds again...

                         But I just can't get over this stupid 
                         nagging fear that...

               She abandons the blinds, leaving them raised part way...

                         Fear! What about our baby, Ned? I 
                         don't want to raise a child in a 
                         home filled with fear!

               There's a KNOCK at the door. Lana tugs on the cord and the 
               blinds drop with a CRASH. The KNOCKING stops. She pretends 
               it didn't even happen, racing on.

                         But if you can conquer your fear... 
                         maybe I can conquer my fear of having 
                         a baby with a father who's fearful.
                              (goes for broke)
                         Ned... don't let a train kill our 
                         child before it's even conceived!

                              (heaves a sigh)
                         I guess you're right.

               She grabs the cord, then hesitates...

                         You're sure now...?

               A beat. He nods. She quickly pulls the blinds up.

                         But we'll never make it to the 
                         station. By the time a cab gets 

               A LOUD KNOCK at the front door. Lana opens it. It's Frank.

                         I was in the neighborhood. Thought 
                         I'd stop by and pick up my tools.

                         Frank will drive you. Won't you Frank?

                         Sure, I'll take you to the train 

               They all freeze. Lana glares at Frank, who is completely 
               unaware of his faux pas... while Ned tries to figure out why 
               that response didn't sound right.

               INT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY

               They climb into the van. Ned nervously checks his watch.

                         Twelve minutes. We'll never make it.

               EXT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY

               The CAMERA BOOMS DOWN LOW to reveal Max Shady under the van, 
               hanging on like a leech, his back only inches from the road. 
               The van drives off.


               At an intersection... they see a "DETOUR" sign. Frank and 
               Lana exchange concerned looks. Frank turns the corner. The 
               van starts vibrating violently, tossing them around.

                              (checks his watch)
                         We're not going to make it.

                         We'll make it!

               He shifts gears, guns the engine. They rocket ahead, BOUNCING 
               WILDLY, their heads THUMPING the car roof! The van SPLASHES 
               through deep water, a huge fantail spraying out on both sides.

               EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

               The train is pulling in. The CAMERA PANS to Frank's muddy 
               van as it drives up nearby. Frank waits in the van as Ned 
               and Lana get out and walk toward the train.

               They pass a feeble OLD WOMAN struggling to drag a HUGE STEAMER 
               TRUNK along the platform... inches at a time. A REDCAP passes 
               her also, carrying a small overnight case for an attractive, 
               elegantly attired SOCIALITE. Everyone ignores the Old Woman.

               Ned looks nervously at the train, already pale.

                         Okay... now what're you going to do 
                         if you feel queasy going through the 

                         I'll stand in the vestibule between 
                         the cars.

                         That's right. When you get queasy... 
                         go stand in the vestibule between 
                         the cars.

               She kisses his cheek. He reluctantly boards the train. Her 
               smile vanishes.

               She hurries back to the next car, nods at Frank, boards the 
               train. Frank peels off his coveralls, follows her on.

               ANGLE - COACH PLATFORM

               Laura's Husband steps from the train, holding the deflated 
               Ninja Turtle float ring. He looks around, then walks toward 
               the cab stand. The CAMERA MOVES with him, then HOLDS ON...


               The headline says: SHADY VOWS BLENDER VENGEANCE ON RAVINE! 
               Under the headline is a picture of Max Shady... muddy, bloody, 
               greasy, clothes ripped, cigar shredded... looking off.

               The paper lowers, revealing Max... a battered mess, looking 
               off. He picks up a small violin case and quickly moves toward 
               the train as it starts to pull out.

               We now SEE that the seat of Max's pants has been ripped out, 
               his naked buttocks scratched and scraped raw by the road.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned stares out the window... apprehensive, nervous.

               Frank and Lana enter at the opposite end of the coach. They 
               spot Ned, quickly ducking into a seat where they can observe 
               him yet remain hidden from view behind the tall seatbacks.

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               Max walks through the car looking for Ned. He pauses, puffing 
               on his big cigar. A WOMAN PASSENGER looks up and is shocked 
               to see Max's scraped bare butt hanging out only inches away.

                                     WOMAN PASSENGER
                         OH! My dear gracious!

               Max swivels around to look at her... turning his bare behind 
               toward an IRRITABLE MAN across the aisle.

                                     IRRITABLE MAN
                         SIR! Would you PLEASE extinguish 
                         that foul smelling cigar?

                              (turning slowly)
                         You want me to put out my CIGAR? YOU 
                         want me to put out my cigar? You 
                         want ME to put out my CIGAR?

                                     IRRITABLE MAN


               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Max enters through the vestibule, without his cigar, stopping 
               in his tracks when he sees Ned. He smiles to himself, then 
               ducks back into the lavatory.

               INT. LAVATORY - DAY

               Max looks at himself in the mirror. He's a disaster. He opens 
               the violin case, pulling out his trademark "Ned Ravine" gray 
               suit on a hangar. It's not even wrinkled.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned looks pale... sweating... reacting tensely to every lurch 
               and bump the train makes. The feeble Old Woman strains to 
               pull her huge steamer trunk down the aisle, inch by inch, 
               toward Ned.

               ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA

               Lana peers over the seat, watching Ned with a cruel smile.

                         It's already getting to him. He'll 
                         be out of that seat and into the 
                         vestibule within ten minutes... I 
                         guarantee it.

               INT. LAVATORY - DAY

               Max is cleaned up, dressed in the suit. He straightens his 
               tie, slicks his greasy hair back, sticks a big cigar in his 
               mouth and grins at himself in the mirror.

                         You talkin' to me? You talkin' to 
                         ME? You... talkin'... to... ME?

               He reaches into the violin case, pulls out a complex 
               assortment of metal parts, assembling them swiftly. CLICK... 
               SNAP... CLUNK! It's an incredibly nasty looking high-tech, 
               automatic weapon with gigantic cartridge clip.

               He screws on a long silencer and points the gun at the 
               ceiling. POOF!... a muffled gunshot! Debris fall around him. 
               He looks up. He has blown a HOLE through the roof of the 

               He adjusts the Silencer Volume Control, which has a scale 
               from 1 thru 11. He turns it all the way down to "0"... DEAD 
               SILENT. He pulls the trigger. The gun RECOILS, but there is 
               absolutely NO SOUND! He has blown another HOLE in the ceiling.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned looks across the aisle to see a GROSS SLOB pulling all 
               kinds of strange food items from a paper bag, making a big, 
               sloppy, disgusting SANDWICH that squirts and drips all over. 
               Ned turns away... really queasy now.

               INT. LAVATORY - DAY

               Max reaches into the case, pulls out A BLENDER! He plugs it 
               into the outlet and REVS it a couple times, grinning wickedly.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Max steps out of the lavatory and sees the CONDUCTOR coming 
               his way collecting tickets. He quickly spins around, slides 
               the door open and steps into the vestibule between cars.

               The Conductor can't get past the Old Woman, so he climbs 
               over the top of her trunk, with no thought of helping her.

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

               Max looks out the side window, trying to conceal the weapon 
               in front of him. The Conductor enters, sees him.


               Without turning, Max holds the ticket up over his shoulder. 
               The Conductor takes it, punches it, notices the gun barrel.

                         Sorry pal... automatic weapons are 
                         only allowed in the club car after 
                         nine p.m.

               Max turns, raising the gun with a nasty GROWL. The Conductor 
               casually snaps a baggage tag to the barrel, taking the gun.

                         I'll check it with baggage. You can 
                         claim it at the depot in Santa 

               The Conductor drops the weapon into a big mesh bag... along 
               with a dozen other guns he's collected. He exits. Max whirls 
               around facing the window, eyes filled with rage. Now what?

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               A gun barrel slowly protrudes between the seats in front of 
               Frank and Lana. Their eyes widen. Suddenly, a stream of water 
               hits Frank in the face! He sputters. A LITTLE KID named JEFF 
               scrambles into the aisle.

                         Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years 
                         old. Didja know if ya put a penny on 
                         the track it'll make the train crash? 
                         No kiddin'! You ever been in a wreck? 
                         My uncle has. Lotsa times. It's really 
                         neat. Everybody gets creamed! All 
                         bloody guts... heads ripped off and 
                         stuff... Hey... wanna hear my song 
                         "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy 
                         Gopher Guts"?

               Lana turns to Frank... inspired. She leans toward Jeff.

                         You want to earn a couple bucks, 

               ANGLE ON NED

               Jeff bounces into the seat across from Ned.

                         Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years 
                         old. Didja know if ya put a penny on 
                         the track it'll make the train crash?

               ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA

               Lana peers over the seat at Ned. She smiles.

                         He's losing it. You better get up to 
                         the next car. Remember, give me the 
                         high sign as soon as you see the 
                         river. It'll be two minutes and nine 
                         seconds past the tunnel. I'll take 
                         care of the rest. Anything goes 
                         wrong... just make sure you back me 
                              (grabs his collar)
                         And don't let him see you.

               Frank gets up, moves down the aisle slowly, eyes on Ned. He 
               can't squeeze past the Old Woman, who is still struggling to 
               pull her huge trunk down aisle. So... he climbs right over 
               the top of it... oblivious to her.

               Frank stares at Ned warily as he gets closer. Suddenly, Jeff 
               squirts a stream of water in Ned's eyes. Frank sees his 
               chance, rushing past Ned toward the vestibule.

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

               Frank races through the vestibule behind Max's back. By the 
               time Max turns to see who's there... Frank is gone.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned wipes the water from his eyes, blinking. He grabs the 
               squirt gun away from Jeff, holding it up angrily.

                         This... is not a toy!

                         Yes it is.

               A beat. Ned realizes he's right. Acting tough, he pulls the 
               plug and drains the water out of the gun, then tosses it 
               back to Jeff.

               Without missing a beat, Jeff drops the empty water magazine 
               from the grip and jams a full one in... just like loading a 
               cartridge clip. He smirks, ready for action.

               In the aisle next to them, the Old Woman now pulls her trunk 
               back toward the vestibule. Jeff points the squirt gun at 
               her. Suddenly, she whips around and SQUIRTS HIM in the face 
               with her own squirt gun! He sputters!

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

               Max stares out the window, still seething. Behind him, the 
               Old Woman moves into the vestibule, inch by inch, trying to 
               drag her trunk into the first coach car.

               Max turns, sees her struggling and goes to her aid.

                         Here... let me help you with that.

               He pushes the trunk into the first coach car, then very 
               politely holds the door open for her. She smiles sweetly at 
               him as she shuffles through.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         What a nice young man. You are so 

                         I try to be.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Jeff is SINGING to Ned... to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare."

                         Great green gobs of greasy, grimy 
                         gopher guts... mutilated monkey 
                         meat... chopped up dirty birdie's 
                         feet... one pint jar of all-purpose 
                         porpoise pus... cooked in a Mulligan 

               Ned turns queasy. The train lurches. He stiffens.

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               The Old Woman has unpacked her huge trunk. She has hung up 
               clothes... set out a vase with flowers... hung up a big framed 
               painting... and turned on a floor lamp. She pulls out a set 
               of dumbbells, pumps them a couple times... and drops them on 
               the floor with a loud CLUNK!

               Frank watches her from his seat across the aisle with a blank 
               expression... only his eyes moving.

               The Conductor punches the Old Woman's ticket, then holds out 
               his hand, waiting. She pulls out a Smith & Wesson .44 
               Magnum... drops it in his bag. He waits. She pulls out an 


               Up ahead, we see a tunnel approaching.


               Sequence omitted from original script.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

                              (still singing)
                         French fried eyeballs and ugly scabs 
                         you wanna pick... stuff to make your 
                         mother sick... dog poop on a stick... 
                         puke and snot all mixed together in 
                         a pot...

               Ned is looking very pale and queasy. Suddenly, Jeff jumps 
               up... presses his face against the window.

                         Oh boy! Here comes the tunnel!

               Ned can't take it anymore. He gets up, pale and sweating.


      toward the tunnel!

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana sees Ned stumble shakily into the aisle, moving toward 
               the vestibule.

                         Way to go, Ned. Right on time.

               The train enters the TUNNEL. Everything goes PITCH BLACK. A 
               few beats, then... LIGHT fills the car again as they emerge 
               from the tunnel. Lana looks. Ned is gone! She heads down the 

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               The Conductor is still tagging weapons as the Old Woman comes 
               up with a Ruger Mini 14 machine gun, a Mauser C96 automatic 
               handgun, a sawed-off double-barreled .12 gauge shotgun... 
               and an old wooden slingshot.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana looks through the small window into the vestibule and 
               catches a glimpse of a gray suit. She ducks back, leaning 
               against the lavatory door.

               INT. LAVATORY - THE MIRROR - DAY

               Ned's dripping face rises up from the sink into view. He 
               splashes more water on, trying to overcome his queasiness.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana reaches into her purse, pulls out a gun. She looks 
               through the vestibule windows into the first coach car, her 
               eyes searching for Frank.

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - LANA'S POV - DAY

               Frank pokes his head out into the aisle, looking toward Lana. 
               He waves at her.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana ducks back, pressing herself against the lavatory door... 
               gripping the gun, tense.

               INT. LAVATORY - DAY

               Ned starts to open the door, then stops. He notices the violin 
               case. Opens it. A couple of bullets roll around inside. Then, 
               he sees the blender... puzzled.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana leans forward, looking through the vestibule windows, 
               watching desperately for Frank's signal.

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               Frank looks out the window and sees...

               EXT. THE RIVER - FRANK'S POV

               It looms ahead.

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Lana sees Frank's frantic signal. She raises the gun, pulls 
               the hammer back and steps quickly into...

               INT. THE VESTIBULE - DAY

               Max hears someone enter. He stiffens...

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned steps out of the lavatory.

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

               Lana FIRES!... blowing a hole right through Max and the window 
               behind him! She keeps firing! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! 
               BLAM! More bullets than the gun could ever possibly hold!

               INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY

               Ned hears the GUNSHOTS and whirls around, looking into the 
               vestibule through the glass window, just as...

               INT. VESTIBLE - DAY

               ...Max turns to face Lana, filled with bloody bullet holes.

                         You shootin' at me?

               Shocked to see it's Max, Lana empties the rest of the bullets 
               into him... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Max is SLAMMED back into 
               the vestibule door by the impact!

                         Yeah... you're definitely shootin' 
                         at me.

               She fires one last shot... BLAM!!!

               EXT. TRAIN ON BRIDGE - DAY

               Max flies out the door, executing a perfect "full gainer 
               with a triple twist and a half-tuck"... a flawless Olympic 
               style dive... ending with a dead body "belly flop" into the 

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               Frank sees Max hit the river and lets out a loud "WHOOP!" 
               The Old Woman shoots him a nasty look. He stifles himself.

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

               Ned slides the vestibule door open... steps toward Lana. In 
               a daze, she raises the gun, points it at him, pulling the 
               trigger... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. He takes the gun from 
               her gently.

               INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY

               Frank jumps up, rushing forward. He skids to a stop... seeing 
               Ned through the glass! Shocked, he ducks back.

               INT. VESTIBULE - DAY

                         In this crazy world, there's not a 
                         whole lot a guy can count on. But 
                         when the chips are down, I can always 
                         count on you.

               He takes her hand gently and kisses it...

                         You risked your life to save mine. A 
                         guy can't ask any more from a woman 
                         than that.

               ... then, CLICK! He snaps a handcuff on her wrist!

                         But I saw you shoot him, Lana. In 
                         cold blood. I gotta arrest you for 

                         Ned... you wouldn't...

                         Sorry. I'm a cop. I have a job to 

                         But... you said it yourself. I saved 
                         your life.

                         Don't worry, baby. I know a good 


               whirls at us, snapping to a stop in someone's hands... upside 
               down. The hands turn it rightside up. The headline reads:


               REVERSE ANGLE

               The paper lowers, revealing Lola Cain with a gratified smile.

               EXT. CITY JAIL - DAY

               Ned and Laura move up the steps, surrounded by REPORTERS and 
               MEDIA PEOPLE. Questions are being fired from all sides.

                                     REPORTER #1
                         What kind of gun did she use?

                         That's a question for the arresting 

                                     REPORTER #2
                         Aren't you the arresting officer?

                         You'll have to ask her attorney.

                                     REPORTER #1
                         But aren't you her attorney?

                         Only her husband can answer that.

                                     REPORTER #3
                         What will Mrs. Ravine be wearing at 
                         the trial?

               Ned stops at the top of the stairs, turning to the Reporters.

                         A lovely powder blue dress with a 
                         cinch waist, full bodice and a 
                         delicately pleated skirt.

                                     REPORTER #3
                         Does it have a matching jacket?

                         No comment.

                                     REPORTER #3
                         Is it cotton or rayon?

                         I said... NO COMMENT!

               Ned and Laura turn and enter the building.

                                     REPORTER #1
                              (calling out)
                         Did she eat any of the victim's body 


                         Jeez... they're really throwing some 
                         tough questions out there today.

                         They're just doing their job.

                         Yeah... well I call it a "high-tech 
                         lynching of an uppity white 

               INT. CAVERNOUS ROOM - DAY

               It's huge, dark and shadowy. More than a dozen heavily armed 
               POLICE OFFICERS stand guard all around the perimeter. In the 
               center is a cell constructed of iron bars, like an animal 
               cage. Ned and Laura enter. Arch steps over.

                              (seeing the cage)
                         What's this?

                         Only cell available. They had that 
                         serial killer locked up here... you 
                         know, the one who talks his victims 
                         to death then eats them... Hannibal 
                         the Lecturer. But they let him out 
                         for a three week tour to publicize 
                         his new book.

               Arch hands him a hardbound book.

                              (reading the cover)
                         "To Serve Man."

                         It's a cookbook.

               Ned flips it over.

               ANGLE - THE BOOK - NED'S POV

               On the back is a picture of HANNIBAL THE LECTURER... wearing 
               a baseball catcher's mask with barbed wire over the mouth.

               BACK TO SCENE

                         And look, look... he autographed it.

               Arch pulls the front cover of the book open, pointing.

                              (reads it)
                         To Arch... Love to have you for dinner 
                         sometime... Hannibal.
                              (hands it back)
                         Very nice.

               Arch points toward the cage.

                         They're waiting for ya. They didn't 
                         want to start without her attorney 
                         being present.


               There's a BIG MOTH on her mouth. The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY. 
               A beat... she spits the moth off, irritated.

                         PFFFTT! Damn moths! This place could 
                         use a good exterminator.

               Three POLICE INVESTIGATORS sit opposite Lana at a long table. 
               Moths flutter everywhere.

                                     INVESTIGATOR # 2
                              (to Police Guard)
                         Let's get the SWAT Team in here.

               Ned, Laura and Arch enter the cage as the Guard exits.

                         Can't you get me out of this cage, 
                         Ned? I'm goin' buggy in here.

                         Judge said no bail. Don't worry. 
                         Just tell the truth, you'll be fine.

               He turns to the Investigators.

                         Who's gonna handle the interrogation?

                                     INVESTIGATOR 1
                         It's your collar... your bust... 
                         your call... your show... your play... 
                         your move... your wife...

                         Okay, okay!... I'll handle it.

               Laura sits at the far end of the table and opens her notebook. 
               Lana pulls out her mirrored compact, starts to apply lipstick.

                                     INVESTIGATOR 2
                         Sorry Mrs. Ravine... there's no makeup 
                         allowed in this building.

               He nods toward a warning sign: a circle around a LIPSTICK 
               with a diagonal line thru it. She responds, cool, confident.

                         What're you gonna do... arrest me 
                         for primping?

               In the b.g., members of the SWAT Team desperately swat at 
               the fluttering moths.

               Ned spins his chair around, plants one foot on it, leans on 
               his knee, looking hard at Lana.

                         Don't give us a tough time. Just 
                         spill it! What were you doing on 
                         that train?


               Ned raises his hand, sits down, leans close, changing his 

                         As your attorney, I must advise you... 
                         you don't have to answer that 

               Ned stands, paces, agitated... plants his foot on the chair 
               again. He leans toward her... getting tough again.

                         Alright, quit playing games with us!
                              (fires questions)
                         Who put ya up to it? Where'd you get 
                         the gun? What's your link with the 


               Ned jumps in, motioning with his hands for this to stop.

                         Whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's it! I 
                         will not tolerate this unwarranted 
                         badgering of my client. She'll have 
                         her day in court, gentlemen.

               He slams his briefcase shut and turns to Lana, sincere.

                         I want to thank you, Mrs. Ravine, 
                         for being so cooperative with these 
                              (turns to Laura)
                         Did you get all that down, Laura. 
                         Every word she said?

                         Yep. Both of 'em.

               EXT. NED'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

               The CAMERA MOVES IN to a wire mesh cage at the very back of 
               the yard. A small sign on it says: NED JUNIOR. The door is 
               open. The cage is... empty!

               EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY

               Lola rides the roller coaster with Lana's pet Skunk. She 
               LAUGHS maniacally as they plunge down a steep grade!

               The Skunk stands stiffly on her lap, his paws planted on the 
               guard rail, eyes bulging out!... his fur standing straight 

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY

               Ned hesitates at the front door. It's open a crack. He moves 
               inside cautiously. There is a strange BUBBLING SOUND coming 
               from the kitchen. He moves toward it... apprehensive.

               He enters the kitchen and SEES... a huge bubbling pot on the 
               stove, foam spilling over from under the lid! His mind reels! 
               He charges out the back door.

               EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - DAY

               Ned bursts out the back door... CAMERA TRACKING with his 
               feet as he dashes across the huge back yard... MUSIC POUNDING!

               He SEES the EMPTY animal cage! The door is open. A fuzzy 
               blanket hangs halfway out.

               Shocked, Ned spins around... running back toward the house... 
               CAMERA TRACKING HIS FEET, struggling to keep up. The CAMERA 
               SLAMS into a tree!... CRACKING the LENS!

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - DAY

               Ned bursts in... SEES the bubbling pot!... a huge butcher 
               knife on the counter!... and LOLA, arms outstretched to greet 






               She whips the cover off the bubbling pot.

                         YES! Cappelini pomodoro!


               She lifts up pasta with a spaghetti spoon... tossing a sprig 
               of basil into the pot from the basil-leaf crown she wears.

                         Pasta with tomato sauce. Whatsa matta? 
                         You don't like Italian?

                         Where's Ned Junior? WHERE IS HE?!

                         I thought he might like to get out, 
                         so I took him to the amusement park.

               He grabs Lola's arm and drags her toward the front door.

                         You can't just break into my house, 
                         cook my food... borrow my skunk!
                              (opens the door)
                         Leave me alone. Stay out of my face! 
                         Out of my neighborhood! Out of my 

               She steps outside... turns to him.

                         You haven't seen the last of me, 

               He SLAMS the door in her face... hesitates a beat, curious... 
               then pulls the door open. Lola's still there.

                         I told you.

               Ned SLAMS the door again.

               EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY

               It's a media circus! Vendors sell "TRIAL BALLOON" balloons.

               PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS cluster around a squad of CHEERLEADERS 
               wearing sweaters emblazoned with "FREE LANA OR BUST!" across 
               their chests.

               They perform a rousing CHEER in front of a sign on the 
               building that reads... "LE COURTHOUSE".

                              (with choreography)
                         Lana, Lana, she's the one Shot a bad 
                         guy with a gun Blew that sucker off 
                         a train Some guys are a friggin' 
                         pain YaaaaaAAAAAAAAY LANA!

               A BBC COMMENTATOR speaks to a TV camera.

                         Once again, Americans are making a 
                         mockery of their courts, turning a 
                         murder trial into a media circus! 
                         How can justice ever prevail when it 
                         is ridiculed and reviled in such a 
                         heinously revolting manner? This is 
                         Clement Von Franckenstein returning 
                         you to our BBC studios in London for 
                         the latest photographs of Lady Di 
                         naked in the bath.

               Ned and Laura push their way through the crush of REPORTERS.

               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               Spectators pour through several turnstiles, shoving in their 
               tokens. TV cameras have been set up to broadcast the trial.

               A UNIFORMED THEATER USHER escorts JURY MEMBERS in, checks 
               their tickets, hands them programs and directs them to their 

               Ned and Laura sit at the defense table, next to Lana... who 
               is oblivious to everything, deeply engrossed in a pocket 
               video game. Ned looks toward the gallery and does a disturbed 

               It's Lola!... sitting in the back row wearing a tailored 
               suit, large brimmed hat with dark veil... and a SKUNK SKIN 
               STOLE draped around her shoulders!

               Dizzy sits next to her, playing softly on a MUTED SAX.

               ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

               A SPORTSCASTER delivers play-by-play of the action.

                         What a great day for a trial! We 
                         have lots of incandescent lighting, 
                         seventy-two degrees inside... and no 

               ANGLE - COURTROOM

                         Oy vay! Oy vay! Superior Court of 
                         Los Angeles is now in session. And 
                         here he is... direct from a triumphant 
                         one-week engagement in Las Vegas 
                         Circuit Court... the honorable... 
                         the venerable... the totally 
                         irrepressible... Judge Harlan Skan-

               Flashing "APPLAUSE" signs and flashing "ALL RISE" audience 
               prompters. Everyone gives the Judge a standing ovation.

               ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

                         Wow... has this defense team been 
                         HOT! Thirty-seven straight victories 
                         this year! Let's go down for the 
                         coin toss.

               ANGLE - COURTROOM

               The Bailiff flips a coin, motions to the PROSECUTOR.

                                     SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)
                         The Prosecution wins the flip of the 
                         coin and elects to kick things off.

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               The PROSECUTOR delivers her impassioned opening statement.

                         ...the prosecution will prove that 
                         this repulsive and degenerate woman 
                         coldly murdered a decent, law-abiding 

                              (jumps up)
                         Objection! Move to strike. Hearsay, 
                         irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca-
                         doody poo-poo...

                                     JUDGE SKANKY

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               Laura is on the stand. Ned hands her a sheet of paper.

                         And can you tell us what this is?

                         Yes. It's a death threat that Max 
                         Shady FAXED to you on the day he was 
                         released from prison.

               Ned snatches it back, pacing, folding it into a paper 

                         A FAX in which he threatened to puree 
                         certain parts of my anatomy in a 
                         blender! I'd like to submit this 
                         into evidence.

                              (jumps up)
                         Objection! Who cares about the FAX 
                         in this case?

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         I'll allow it.

               Ned sails the paper plane toward the COURT CLERK, who is at 
               an evidence table already piled high with tagged guns, 
               appliances, knickknacks, auto parts and other junk.

               The plane sails toward an open window. The Clerk grabs it... 
               going OUT the window with the plane!

               EXT. COURTHOUSE LAWN - DAY

               The Cheerleaders lead the SPECTATORS in an exuberant CHEER.

                         U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! 
                         You're ugly! Yeah, you're ugly! M-A-
                         M-A! How you think you got that way? 
                         Your Mama! Yeah, your Mama!

               In the b.g., the Court Clerk plummets to the ground, then 
               staggers to his feet, and stumbles... dazed... back toward 
               the courthouse.

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               One of the JURORS watches a "DICK VAN DYKE" re-run on a small 
               portable TV monitors, oblivious to the testimony. In the 
               b.g., the battered Clerk stumbles back in with the paper 
               plane. The Conductor is on the stand. Ned holds up a BLENDER.

                         And is this the blender you found in 
                         the lavatory of the train?

                         Yes... it is.

                         I'd like this marked as evidence.

               The Bailiff reaches out, Ned waves him off... instead, tossing 
               the blender over several heads to the Court Clerk... who 
               runs to catch it, CRASHING into the wall. The blender falls, 

               ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

                         Awwwww... a bad call by Ravine. Let's 
                         check out the re-play.

               On the RE-PLAY SCREEN we see the action repeated in SLOW 
               MOTION as the Sportscaster draws lines, circles, x's and 

                         Look at THAT! The Bailiff is wide 
                         open! But instead of handing it off, 
                         Ravine goes for the long bomb. Ohhhh! 
                         The pass is wide! A real wobbler! 
                         There's no way! He scrambles, but he 
                         just can't get his hands on it... 
                         And RIGHT THERE!...
                              (freezes the frame)
                         ...WHAM! That blender is gone!

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               At the defense table, Laura glances over at Lana, who is 
               casually browsing through a copy of GALS & GUNS magazine. 
               Laura reacts, then, trying to be as diplomatic as possible...

                         Ned... did you ever consider that 
                         maybe you don't know women as well 
                         as you think you do?

                                     PROSECUTOR (O.S.)
                         Now would you tell the court, in 
                         your own words, what you said to Mr. 

               They both look toward the witness stand. Ned is shaken.

                         I'm really worried about this guy. 
                         He could blow our whole case right 
                         out of the water.


               Jeff, the little boy from the train is on the witness stand. 
               The Prosecutor stands by, listening as...

                         Great green gobs of greasy grimy 
                         gopher guts... mutilated monkey 
                         meat... itsy-bitsy birdie feet... 
                         Great green gobs of greasy grimy 
                         gopher guts... and me without a spoon!

               The JURORS turn pale and reach for the air sickness bags in 
               front of them. The Courtroom erupts. The Judge pounds his 
               gavel LOUDLY.

                              (pointing at Lana)
                         That lady paid me two bucks to sing 
                         it to him...!

               But NO ONE hears this in all the confusion. The Judge, also 
               looking ill now, bangs his gavel again.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Recess! Ten minutes!

               EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

               The Judge, Jury, Attorneys and Spectators are all playing on 
               the swings, teeter-totters, monkey bars... having a blast! 
               Ned and the Prosecutor play "dodge-ball." Laura cheers Ned 
               on. The Prosecutor rockets the ball at Ned... and just misses!

                         Gotcha, dork face! Gotcha, gotcha!

                         No you didn't!

                         No way! Uh-uh! Missed by a mile!

               The BAILIFF steps into CLOSE UP, blowing a whistle loudly!

                         Recess is over! Let's go... move it, 
                         move it, move it!


               Marching band MUSIC fades off-screen.

                         There they go... the UCLA Marching 
                         Band! And now... Holy Toledo!... it 
                         looks like the victim's mother... 
                         Helen Shady... is gonna take the 
                         stand! This will be the first 
                         defensive play of the afternoon.

               INT. COURTROOM - SAME TIME

               Mrs. Shady is on the stand. Ned paces.

                         Mrs. Shady... would you tell us about 
                         your son, Max. Was he a... a good 

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         He was the best. And that's not just 
                         a mother talking. You can ask anybody.

                         But he got into trouble once in 
                         awhile... like all kids do?

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Well, you know, pranks. Little jokes 
                         and things. But he was so cute. I 
                         have pictures!

               She reaches down into her huge purse, pulling out a photo 
               album. She opens it, showing Ned.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Here. This is when he set the cat on 
                              (then, assuring him)
                         Oh... but the cat deserved it.

                              (looks, points)
                         And what, uh... what are these...?

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Marshmallows. He just loved to toast 
                         marshmallows over a roaring cat. 
                         Burned on the outside... all soft in 
                         the middle.
                              (turns page)
                         And right here... this was taken on 
                         the day he left the priesthood to 
                         join the Green Berets.

               ANGLE - THE JURY

               They rise slowly out of their seats, craning their necks, 
               trying to see the photos.

               BACK TO SCENE

               Ned is now seated next to Mrs. Shady in the witness box, 
               looking at the photo album with her. Judge Skanky peers over 
               the side of the bench.

                         This is cute.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                              (laughs, delighted)
                         Oh yes! That was during his Ku Klux 
                         Klan phase. He would take the sheets 
                         right off my bed... cut those little 
                         holes in them. What a stitch he was!

               ANGLE - THE SPECTATORS

               are now on their feet, all straining to catch a glimpse of 
               the photos in the album.

               BACK TO SCENE

                         And is this Max... with all the 
                         tools... fixing his bike?

               She snatches the photo out of the album.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Why that shouldn't even be in there! 
                         It's his rotten little half-brother.
                              (rips up photo)
                         Stinkin' little pecker... he never 
                         was any good...

               ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

               The Sportscaster is pushing his face against the broadcast 
               booth glass, trying to see what everyone's looking at.

               BACK TO SCENE

                                     MRS. SHADY
                              (points at another)
                         Oh! I didn't like these neo-Nazi 
                         boys. They were all so fussy and 
                         persnickety about everything. Heil 
                         this and heil that.
                              (flips the page)
                         Oh look... here's Max with his 
                         chainsaw. He loved to go to the 
                         national park and cut down those 
                         giant old trees. It made him feel so 
                         patriotic. You know, if he hadn't 
                         been such a successful criminal... I 
                         think he would have been a lumberjack.

               The Court Clerk, Bailiff and Court Recorder have all moved 
               around behind the witness stand, peering over Mrs. Shady's 
               shoulder at the photos.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                              (tearful, angry)
                         But now he'll never be anything! Not 
                              (stands up, points)
                         ...that woman, your wife, pulled the 
                         trigger and put my little Max in his 

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Mrs. Shady! Do not POINT your finger 
                         in my courtroom. It's discourteous, 
                         impolite and disrespectful.

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         Don't you tell me what to do with my 
                         finger! It's been more places than 
                         you've ever dreamed of!

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                              (bangs gavel)
                         Sit down!

                                     MRS. SHADY
                         I'll point my finger wherever I want!

               Mrs. Shady goes berserk... leaping from the witness stand, 
               pointing several different fingers at Judge Skanky.

               The Bailiff attempts to restrain her, but she breaks free... 
               scurrying around the courtroom, pointing fingers at everyone!

               CHAOS prevails!

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               The Irritable Man from the train is on the stand... Max's 
               huge cigar stuck in his ear! The hair around his ear is 

                         Did you encounter the victim... Max 
                         Shady... on board the train?

                                     IRRITABLE MAN
                         Yeah. And I told him... "this is the 
                         NO SMOKING car! Would you please put 
                         out your damn cigar!"

                         And is that the cigar in your ear?

               The Man strains to see the cigar out of the corner of his 
               eye. Impatient, Ned finally holds up a small pocket mirror.

                                     IRRITABLE MAN
                         I believe it is.

                         I'd like the cigar and the head of 
                         this witness entered into evidence.

               The Bailiff picks up the Irritable Man and dumps him on the 
               evidence table, where he is tagged by the Court Clerk.

                         The defense calls... Lana Ravine!

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               Lana is on the stand. The Bailiff swears her in.

                         Do you swear to tell the truth, the 
                         whole truth and nothing but the truth 
                         so help you God?

                              (looks to Judge)
                         Do I have to answer that, Harlan?

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         No, no dear. I'll vouch for her.

               Ned approaches.

                         Now, Mrs. Ravine... may I call you 

                         No. Call me Angel Tits.

                         I object!

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Sustained. Counselor... you will 
                         address Angel Tits as Mrs. Ravine.

                              (after a beat)
                         Mrs. Ravine... would you please tell 
                         the court... what were you doing on 
                         that train?

                         I saw Max Shady at the station... 
                         saw him get on board. I knew he'd 
                         made threats to kill you and mutilate 
                         your reproductive organs...

               Ned and EVERY MALE in the courtroom winces at this, doubling 
               over in imagined agony. Lana pauses, then continues...

                I got on the train too... so I 
                         could warn you.

                         Do you want to have children?

                         Someday. With the right man.

                         But you couldn't have children if 
                              (makes a gesture)
                              (another gesture)
                         ...and, uh...

                         It would be difficult.

                         So you followed him, knowing you had 
                         to protect me... your husband... 
                         your best friend... the man you 
                         love... the future father of your 

                         Something like that.

                         And when you saw that maniac standing 
                         in the vestibule, waiting to pulverize 
                         my pee-pee... you pulled the gun and 
                         fired and fired and FIRED!

                         And fired and fired and fired and 
                         fired and fired and fired and fired...

               She pauses to count off on her fingers, then...

                         ...and fired and fired and fired.

                         The defense rests, your Honor.

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               The COURTROOM ARTIST has been sketching intensely throughout 
               the trial. We finally see... he's been sketching a BOWL OF 
               FRUIT on the Court Recorder's desk. Ned picks up some fruit 
               from the bowl and approaches the defense table.

                         How can you convict a courageous 
                         woman who risked everything to save 
                         the life of her beloved husband? A 
                         woman who acted boldly to stop a 
                         demented maniac from doing THIS!...

               Ned shoves the BANANA and two PLUMS into a demonstration 
               blender on the defense table. He hits the puree button and 
               the blender WHIRRS loudly!

                              (shouts over)
                         ...pulverizing the private parts of 
                         the man she loves!

               All MALES in the courtroom react with pained expressions, 
               cringing and doubling-over. Ned turns the blender off.

                              (directly to Jury)
                         Lana Ravine is a loving wife and the 
                         potential mother of my potential 
                         child. I challenge YOU to strike a 
                         blow for motherhood and the American 
                         justice system! Put the "con" back 
                         in the Constitution. Put the "ju" 
                         back in jurisprudence. Put the "can" 
                         back in American. And put the "dom" 
                         back in freedom. Find this woman 
                         INNOCENT!... so we can all go to bed 
                         happy tonight!

               INT. PRESS ROOM - LATER

               A REPORTER opens the door marked PRESS ROOM. Inside, a DOZEN 
               REPORTERS press their pants on a dozen ironing boards.

                         The jury's back!

               The Reporters scramble for the door, pulling their pants on!

               INT. COURTROOM - LATER

               The CAMERA FOLLOWS a folded piece of paper as the Jurors 
               pass it along to the FOREMAN... who hands it to the Bailiff... 
               who hands it to the Judge. He unfolds it, reads it... then 
               winks flirtatiously at the FEMALE JUROR who wrote it. She 

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                              (back to business)
                         So... has the jury reached a verdict?

                                     JURY FOREMAN
                              (stands up)
                         Yes we have, your Honor.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         How do you find the defendant... on 
                         the count of manslaughter?

                                     JURY FOREMAN
                         Not guilty.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         On the count of murder in the first 

                                     JURY FOREMAN
                         Not guilty.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         On the Count of Monte Cristo?

                                     JURY FOREMAN
                         Not guilty.

               A BOISTEROUS CLAMOR in the court. The electronic signs FLASH 
               "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Good. Then on the count of three, 
                         let's all get the hell out of here! 
                         One... two...

               The Jury and Spectators start to rise. The Judge hesitates, 
               gavel poised, shooting them a warning look.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Wait... for... it...

               Everyone FREEZES halfway out of their seats... waiting.

                                     JUDGE SKANKY
                         Two and a half... THREE!

               He smacks his gavel. Everyone scatters for the doors, but 
               Judge Skanky beats them out of the room.

               Lana turns cool, dropping her courtroom facade. She plucks 
               off her earrings, unbuttons the neck of her dress, reaches 
               in and magically pulls out her bra, tossing it away.

                         Well, counselor, looks like you won 
                         another case. Lucky for me.

               TWO LEGAL AIDES sneak up behind Ned and dump a big plastic 
               barrel of Gatorade cans over his head!

                                     BAILIFF (O.S.)
                              (over P. A. system)
                         Attention courtroom shoppers! All 
                         trial evidence now on sale. Forty to 
                         sixty percent off all exhibits! 
                         Everything must go!

               They turn to SEE: Spectators and Jurors browse through the 
               clutter of junk in front of the Court Clerk on the evidence 
               table. An IRRITABLE WOMAN claims the Irritable Man, grabbing 
               the cigar from his ear and throwing it down.

                                     IRRITABLE WOMAN
                         I told you, Bernard... smoking cigars 
                         is bad for your hearing!

               She pulls him away as Lana steps up, with a cigarette dangling 
               from her lips. Lana picks up her gun and spins the cylinder. 
               It's loaded. The battered Court Clerk limps over, smiling.

                                     COURT CLERK
                         Mrs. Ravine! What can I do for ya?

                         How much for my gun?

               Laura sees this... turns to Ned with a look of shock.

                         I don't believe it! She just bought 
                         her gun back! The gun she used to 
                         kill a man!

               Ned looks off toward Lana with admiration.

                         Yeah... the same gun that saved my 
                         life. I'm sure it has sentimental 

               As Lana wades into the crowd of REPORTERS, some still without 
               pants, the CAMERA MOVES TO Lola, who is watching Lana from 
               the back of the courtroom.

               Lola pulls a small cord hanging from the side of her hat... 
               opening her veil like window drapes. She's not happy.

               INT. FRANK'S GARAGE - DAY

               Frank lays on a mechanic's "creeper", working under a car. 
               Lana steps between his feet. He hears her and rolls out, his 
               crotch sliding to a stop against her legs. He looks up, 
               covered with black grease.

                         So... you did it. Ya beat the rap.

                         No thanks to you.

               He gets to his feet, cocky.

                         Hey... I knew he'd spring ya.

               She walks toward him, her voice cold, accusing. He backs up.

                         You didn't lift a finger, Frank. You 
                         let me take all the heat.

                         Heeeee-eeey... what could I do?

               Lana pulls the gun from her purse, pointing it at him.

                         You were gonna let me rot in the 
                         slammer... never say a thing.

                         Look... you're out... free. Now we're 
                         together. That's what counts. We can 
                         try again! Forget triple indemnity. 
                         We'll whack him and split three mil.

                         I'm not splitting anything, Frank.
                              (cocks the gun)
                         And you know too much.

                         Come on, Lana. You're not gonna shoot 

               He brashly turns his back to her, putting some tools away. 
               She sees a huge electric powered SCREWDRIVER on the workbench 
               next to her, smiling diabolically. She lowers the gun.

                         You're right.
                              (then, seductive)
                         Maybe I'll just screw you to death.

               He laughs arrogantly... starts to unbutton his shirt.

                         Now you're talkin' baby.

               EXT. THE GARAGE WINDOW - DAY

               We see Lana's SILHOUETTE on the window as she raises the big 
               power screwdriver and turns it on. WHIRR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!

               The CAMERA WHIPS AROUND and PUSHES IN TO...


               watching the murder from her car. There is a... FLASH! Then 
               another! And another! We are...

               INT. THE GARAGE - LATER

               A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER takes FLASH pictures of the crime scene. 
               The CORONER, COPS, FORENSIC MEN... all do their thing. Ned 
               and Arch amble in, looking around. Arch is eating Nachos.

                                     FORENSIC MAN
                         Watch your step, guys. There's a lot 
                         of blood.

               Throughout this scene, in the b.g., the milling COPS and 
               INVESTIGATORS slip on all the blood, as if on slick ice, and 
               fall out of frame, their arms and legs flailing helplessly!

               One of the Coroner's INVESTIGATORS approaches Arch and Ned.

                         Looks like a suicide. We found a 

               He holds up a rolled piece of paper with a pair of tweezers. 
               Ned takes it, trying to unroll it.

                         It was stuck up his nose.

               Ned hands it off to Arch, who casually unrolls it. The 
               Investigator slips, arms waving, and falls out of frame.

                              (reading it)
                         "I can't take it anymore. I'm a 
                         mediocre mechanic... and a lousy 

                         He's sure got that right.

               Arch gives Ned a very strange look. Ned feels his stare.

                         The "mechanic" part, I mean.

               In the b.g., various COPS pair up to have their pictures 
               taken by the Police Crime Scene Photographer... posing, 

                              (stares at the body)
                         I don't know why, Arch, but I just 
                         can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't 

               THE CAMERA MOVES

               behind Ned on his line, revealing Frank... pinned to the 
               wall by the power screwdriver stuck in his back! It's still 
               running... vibrating with a GRINDING HUM.

               Ned reaches out and turns the screwdriver OFF.

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY

               Ned enters, pausing. He hears VOICES. He goes to the living 
               room. Lana and Lola turn to see him in the doorway. He is 
               shocked. Lana looks shaken. But Lola is cool... in control.

                         Oh... uh, Ned... This is Lola, um...

                              (nervous, defensive)
                         Um? She told you her name was Um? 
                         And what other lies did she tell 
                         you? I've never seen this woman in 
                         my life! Never followed her home! 
                         Never had sex with her in the 
                         refrigerator! It's all a sick 
                         fantasy... and I deny everything!

               He turns to Lola.

                         When will women like you learn, you 
                         can't tear apart a perfectly good 
                         marriage with your vicious lies... 
                         Miss UMMMM!

                         Actually... it's Smith. Lola Smith. 
                         I sell vacuum cleaners, Mr. Ravine. 
                         The big powerful kind that suck up 
                         everything in sight. I was just 
                         telling your wife, if she wants to 
                         get rid of all her dirt, she has to 
                         be willing to pay the price.

               She turns to Lana with a cold and contemptuous glare.

                         Let me know what you decide, Mrs. 
                         Ravine. I'm sure we can work out a 
                         convenient "payment" plan. A pleasure 
                         meeting you... Ned.

               Lola exits. As soon as the door closes, Lana whirls around 
               in a fury!... SMASHING a lamp! She SHRIEKS furiously!

                         I... hate... SALESMEN!

               He puts his arms around her, comforting.

                         I know it's been a tough ordeal... 
                         with the trial and everything. Tell 
                         you what... let's take a trip.

                         A trip?

                         Yeah. Just the two of us.

                              (darkly inspired)
                         I like that. Just you and me... all 
                         alone. I'll start packing.

                         Great. Listen... I got something to 
                         take care of. I'll be back in awhile.

               He kisses her and exits. Lana turns to look up toward the 
               landing, a vengefully insane smile clouding her face.

               INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DUSK

               A demanding KNOCK at the door. Lola hesitates at the door.

                         Who is it?

               The door CRASHES OPEN! Ned is silhouetted in the doorway. He 
               looks really pissed! Lola turns and runs. Ned sprints after 
               her, leaping through the air... bringing her down with a 

                         I just want to talk.

                         Why didn't you say so?

               Her foot shoots out, smashing him right in the face... WHAM! 
               She jumps up and scrambles away. Ned pursues her. She grabs 
               a bottle of scotch from the counter, spins around.

                         Would you like a drink?

               She throws the bottle! He ducks and it shatters on the wall!

                         No thanks. I'm driving.

               She whirls on one foot, nailing him in the head with a FLYING 
               SPIN KICK! He stumbles back, dazed. She grabs an ice pick.

                         Then let's get to the point!

               Lola charges! Ned rolls onto his back, jamming both feet 
               into her stomach, heaving her up over him... thru the air! 
               She SLAMS into the wall!... then slowly turns... still cool 
               and collected. She raises a cigarette... lights it with the 
               ice pick "lighter."

                         So what's your problem, tough guy?

                         Stay away from my life, my wife, my 
                         home and my pets! I'm taking Lana on 
                         a vacation and when I come back, I 
                         don't ever want to see your face 

               He shoves her against the wall... the cigarette flying away.

                         A VACATION! She doesn't deserve a 
                         VACATION! She's a brat! A bad girl! 
                         She always was and always will be!

               He grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her.

                         What are you talking about? You don't 
                         know anything about Lana?

                         I know EVERYTHING!

                              (shakes her hard)
                         How do you know her? Who is she to 
                         you? TELL ME!

               She clams up. He slaps her.

                         Who is she!

                         She's your wife!

                              (slaps her again!)
                         Who is she!?

                         She's my sister!

                              (slaps her again)
                         Liar! Who is she?

                         She's your wife!

               He raises his hand to slap her hard.

                         WHO IS SHE!

               She SLAPS him!

                         She's my sister!

               She continues to slap him... back and forth... repeating her 
               answers... "She's your wife"... "She's my sister!"... "Your 
               wife!"... "My sister!"... "Wife!"... "Sister!"

               He reaches a boiling point, raising two fingers, preparing 
               to give her the Three Stooges "two-fingered eye poke." She 
               blocks it with her hand and shoves him away. Then, she 
               executes a perfect Three Stooges "wiggly-hand head slap", 
               telling him...

                         She's your wife... AND my sister!

               Ned is stunned. MUSIC THUNDERS dramatically! Lana clicks the 
               stereo off. The MUSIC STOPS.

                         She was spoiled rotten! She stole 
                         everything I ever had. Everything! 
                         Including him.

                         Him? Who, him?

                         Dwayne. The boy's gym teacher. He 
                         was older. So mature... so strong. 
                         He smelled like dirty sweat socks 
                         and old basketballs. And he was all 
                         mine. For awhile.
                              (turning bitter)
                         But Lana wasn't satisfied with her 
                         own things. She had to have mine 
                         too. She took it all... my makeup, 
                         my sweaters, my shoes, my underwear...

                         You wore the same clothes?

                         We were identical twins.

                         What're you talking about? You two 
                         don't look anything alike.

                         Not anymore. One day I caught her 
                         stealing my lavender eye shadow and 
                         she smashed my face in with a shovel. 
                         I had fifty-three operations. When 
                         the doctors were finished with me... 
                         I looked like THIS! I'm ugly. UGLY!

                         You're beautiful.

                         Don't lie to me.

                         They did a terrific job!

                         I look in the mirror. I can SEE!

                         But... you're gorgeous!

                         Tell that to Dwayne. When he saw my 
                         face, he left me for HER... because 
                         she looked more like me than I did! 
                         First she stole my looks... then she 
                         stole the only man who ever loved 

               She comes toward him... feeling in control once more.

                         But I found a way to get even. The 
                         best revenge possible. Destroy her 

                         That's why you did all this? Seduced 
                         me... harrassed me... the tape... 
                         the flowers... the phone calls...

                         You been hangin' out with Dick Tracy, 
                         haven't ya?

                         It won't work. Lana loves me.

                         It doesn't matter. I'm blackmailing 
                         her for everything she's worth. She 
                         murdered that greasy auto mechanic. 
                         I saw her do it.

                         Lana killed Frank Kelbo?

                              (also stunned)
                         Kelbo! His name was Kelbo?

                         Yeah. Why? Did he burn you on car 
                         repairs too?

                         Dwayne's name was Kelbo. He had a 
                         son. Frankie Kelbo.

               INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT

               Ned wanders to his car, climbs in, sits there... stunned.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         The pieces of the puzzle were falling 
                         into place and I didn't like the 
                         picture they were making. If Lana 
                         really killed Frank Kelbo, then I 
                         had misjudged her by a mile. Sure... 
                         he was a lousy mechanic. But murder?

               Ned rubs his temples, shuts his eyes.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         It was all starting to give me a 
                         headache bigger than the national 

               INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo. Lola sits on the 
               floor by an end table, eyes dazed, staring blankly. A lamp 
               with a "clapper" switch sits on the table.

               As the CAMERA MOVES IN SLOWLY to her, she absently "claps" 
               the light off... then on... then off... then on... then off...

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               CLOSE ON female hands using a keyhole saw to cut through a 
               railing on the second floor landing above the foyer.

               Outside... the SOUND of a car... headlights! The sawing stops.

               EXT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Ned pulls up. The house is dark and ominous. So is the MUSIC.

               INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The front door is open a crack. He cautiously pushes it and 
               the door CR-E-A-K-S open very slowly. The door STOPS, but 
               the LOUD CREAKING continues. Ned touches it lightly with the 
               tip of his finger. The CREAKING STOPS.


               Ned moves up the stairs. The CAMERA BOOMS UP with him, HOLDING 
               ON an ECU of the partially severed railing.

               INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

               Ned enters. Hot water gushes from the faucet into a clawfoot 
               bathtub. He turns the water off, looking around, puzzled.

               Loosens his tie, rubs his head. A splitting headache. Opens 
               the medicine cabinet and... SCREECH! YEOW! CRASH! A CAT leaps 
               out!... darts away. There's a NOISE from downstairs.


               Someone is POUNDING on the door. Ned enters and opens it. 
               It's Laura.

                         Ned! I'm glad you're here. I have so 
                         much to tell you.

                         Come on in. I'll make some tea. Grab 
                         a chair.

                         Thanks... I brought my own.

               She drags a chair in behind her, sits at the kitchen table. 
               Ned puts a kettle on the burner, turns it on. He starts 
               searching through the cupboard for teabags.

                         So... what have you got?

                         A lottery ticket and a laundry 
                              (lays them on table)
                         I found them in the pocket of that 
                         suit you wore the night you were 
                         working under cover with a client.

               Ned freezes, staring out the window, unable to face her.

                         You remember that night, don't ya 
                         Ned? Then it hit me. Lottery starts 
                         with L-O. Laundry starts with L-A. L-
                         O... L-A. Lola.

               Ned turns to her when he hears Lola's name... looking baffled 
               by this convoluted piece of logic.

                              (shrugs it off)
                         Don't sweat it. It's the way a woman's 
                         mind works.

               He turns back to the cupboard, picking up a container.

                         How about Ovaltine?

                         Fine. Then I remembered you told me 
                         some guy named Frank had been working 
                         on your wife's car for two months. 
                         You with me so far?

                         I'm way ahead of you.

               He brings the Ovaltine container to the table.

                         Well back it up. You probably took a 
                         wrong turn. Remember your insurance 
                         policy... the one we couldn't find? 
                         I started thinking, who else had 
                         access to it beside you and me? The 
                         answer came up... Lana. And since 
                         she's a woman, it's probably hidden 
                         right here.

               A huge ceramic cookie jar sits on the table in front of them. 
               Laura SMASHES it with her fist, breaking it open! Cookies 
               spill out... and the insurance policy.

                         So that's where she hid the Oreos.

               He sits down... starts eating Oreos... twisting them apart.

                         Ned, Lana wasn't trying to save your 
                         life when she shot Max Shady. She 
                         and Frank were plotting to kill you 
                         and collect on your insurance policy. 
                         But she shot the wrong guy.

                         That's the craziest thing I ever 

                              (she presses on)
                         Don't you see... Frank was going to 
                         let her take the fall. So she murdered 
                         him and tried to make it look like 
                         That's when I realized there was a 
                         connection between Lola and Lana...

                         Yeah... they're sisters. Twin sisters.

                         Well, hang on to your jock strap, 
                         Ned. There's more.

               She unrolls a complex genealogical chart... walks him thru 

                         Not only is Frank's father Dwayne 
                         Kelbo, notoriously amorous gym teacher 
                         and Lola Cain's former lover... 
                         Frank's mother is Helen Shady. Max 
                         and Frank are half-brothers who never 

               Laura pauses dramatically, then announces.

                         Your lovely wife, Lana, murdered 
                         both of Helen Shady's sons.

                         This is so unbelievable.

                         And you haven't even heard my story.


               The keyhole saw cuts through the railing. The CAMERA REVEALS 
               Lana, eyes filled with Machiavellian rage.

               She enters the bathroom, lays the saw blade down. Suddenly... 
               a PAIR OF HANDS plunge into frame, grabbing her by the throat!

               We GO WITH HER as she is pushed back into the tub, the hands 
               forcing her head under water. Lana grabs a diving mask, clamps 
               it over her face. One of the attacking hands rips it away! 
               Lana grabs a snorkel, sticking it in her mouth. The hand 
               pulls it from her, tossing it aside.

               The hand shoves a little RUBBER DUCKIE into Lana's mouth! 
               Lana struggles, finally going limp. Her open eyes stare up 
               from beneath the water. The last few bubbles rise to the 

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

                         He turned into a monster. And that's 
                         when I left him. I just couldn't...

               The tea kettle WHISTLES! Laura pulls it off the burner. The 
               whistling subsides... replaced by the distant SOUND of water 
               running upstairs. Ned cocks his head, listening.

                         That damn faucet keeps turning on 
                         all by itself. I'll go check it.

                         Okay. I'll make the Ovaltine.

               Ned exits. Laura opens the Ovaltine container. It's empty. A 
               DARK SHADOW moves past the window behind Laura. Suspense 
               MUSIC. Laura opens the cupboard. PIGEONS explode out, wings 
               beating furiously! She catches her breath, looks in the 
               cupboard. The cans and boxes are covered with pigeon shit. 
               She shoves them aside, looking for the Ovaltine.

               INT. FOYER - SAME TIME

               Ned looks up toward the light from the bathroom. Water seeps 
               over the edge of the landing and down the steps. As he moves 
               up the steps, the SOUND of MUSIC... the familiar strains of 
               "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"... grows louder and LOUDER.

               INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME

               It's filled with steam. He waves the steam away... STARTLED 
               to see Lana's lifeless body beneath the water, the rubber 
               duckie jammed into her mouth. The tub overflows on the floor.

               He turns the faucet off. The water stops... and so does the 
               MUSIC. Puzzled, he turns the faucet on. The MUSIC STARTS. 
               Turns it off. The MUSIC STOPS.

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               As Laura turns away to enter the pantry... her Husband's 
               twisted face suddenly appears in the kitchen window!

               INT. BEDROOM - SAME TIME

               Ned enters. The MUSIC is coming from the closet. Ned yanks 
               the door open! A flock of PIGEONS bursts out!... revealing a 
               GUEST MUSICIAN playing an instrument.

                                     GUEST MUSICIAN
                         I'm sittin' in for Dizzy. He had a 
                         gig tonight.

               Ned shuts the door, eyes shifting. Lola must be near.


               Laura searches the large walk-in pantry for tea bags. She 
               hears a LOUD CRASH of BREAKING GLASS in the kitchen... stops 
               and listens... then casually shrugs it off.

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               Laura's Husband stands in the kitchen. The back door is 
               open... the window shattered. He SEES... the kitchen towels 
               hanging sloppily on the rack! The disorganized clutter of 
               cans and boxes in the cupboard! WE PUSH IN to his wildly 
               insane eyes!


               As Ned enters the upstairs landing, we hear VOICES in his 

                              (ECHOING V.O.)
                         Women are an open book. You can always 
                         tell the rotten apples from the 
                         peaches. I'd stake my career on it... 
                         stake my career on it... stake my 
                         career on it...

               The repetitive ECHO gets to him. He smacks his head with the 
               palm of his hand. The skipping stops... followed by...

                              (ECHOING V.O.)
                         ...If anyone ever proves me wrong, 
                         I'll throw away my badge.

               IN THE DARKNESS

               A woman's HAND unrolls a leather kit... the "U-Pick an Ice 
               Pick Porta-Pik-Pak!"... with seven ice picks in separate 
               slots, each labeled with a day of the week.

               The hand selects "Wednesday's" ice pick, pulls it out. Then... 
               BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...!


               It CHIMES loudly. It's twelve midnight!

               THE HAND

               returns the ice pick to its slot, selects the one for 

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               Laura comes out of the pantry. She stops... gasps! Everything 
               in the cupboard is neatly stacked! All the towels are 

               She whirls around... coming face to face with her Husband! 
               He smiles demonically, holding up the Ninja Turtle float 

                                     LAURA'S HUSBAND
                         Forget something, sweetheart?


               Ned nears the bathroom door and suddenly... A PIERCING SCREAM! 
               Lola charges, an ice pick raised over her head! She knocks 
               him backward, into the bathroom, slashing at him. But he 
               deflects the attack, grabbing at her arms.

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               Laura backs away from her Husband. He holds her wedding ring.

                                     LAURA'S HUSBAND
                         You forgot to flush, darling.


               As Ned and Lola continue their violent struggle... Lola grabs 
               toiletries to aid in her attack. She squirts Ned with SHAVING 
               CREAM... squeezes TOOTHPASTE in his hair... and throws BATH 
               POWDER in his face!

               Ned is blinded. Gaining the advantage, Lola shoves him back, 
               slamming his head into the wall. He's dazed, helpless.

               Lola raises the ice pick, moving forward to strike! But Ned 
               grabs a HAIR BLOWER and swings it around, pointing it at her 
               like a gun! She freezes... then smiles contemptuously.

                         What're you gonna do, Ned? Blow me 

               She LAUGHS arrogantly. Ned clicks on the hair blower to HIGH, 
               a blast of HOT AIR hitting Lola's face, puffing her cheeks 
               out, pushing her back, hair flying wildly!

               Her backside hits the railing where Lana has cut it... the 
               wood splintering!

               Lola tumbles over backward, SCREAMING! She hangs suspended 
               in mid-air for a moment, like a cartoon character, arms 
               flailing. Then... WHOOM!... she FALLS to the marble floor 
               below, hitting with a LOUD THUD!

               INT. THE KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               Laura's Husband hears Lola fall, turning. Laura grabs the 
               iron skillet and CLOBBERS him with it! BONG! He goes down.

                         I never forget anything... honey.


               Ned stares at the hair blower in his hand. Filled with disgust 
               and revulsion, he throws the "weapon" down.

               INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

               Laura pulls TWO REVOLVERS from her purse... spinning them 
               like John Wayne... expertly tossing one over her back, 
               catching it in front! She heads for the foyer.


               Laura pauses, looks down at Lola's body... notices something. 
               She pushes Lola's skirt a bit higher with the toe of her 

                         Those are MY panties!

               She looks up... sees a light emanating from the bathroom.

               ON THE LANDING

               Laura moves through the shadows... stops outside the bathroom, 
               pressing her back against the wall, guns up and ready.

               She swivels into the doorway... taking a shooter's stance... 
               guns pointed! She sees... LANA... submerged in the tub, face 
               up, the rubber duckie in her mouth.

               Laura steps back and turns... right into a THING covered in 
               white! Startled, she SHRIEKS! Ned drops the white towel he's 
               using to wipe off all of the shaving cream and toothpaste. 
               Relieved to see it's Ned, she throws her arms around him!

                         Oh Ned!

                         You were right... there's a million 
                         things I don't know about women. 
                         Maybe you can teach me a few hundred.

               He pulls out his police badge, looks at it.

                         Hell... I had too many careers anyway.

               He tosses it away, over the railing.

               INT. FOYER - ECU LOLA - SAME TIME

               The badge drops from above, landing on the floor right in 
               front of Lola's lifeless face. A beat. Her eyes pop open!


               Suddenly, the rubber duckie pops to the surface.

               ON THE LANDING

               Laura hugs Ned again, arms locked around his neck, still 
               gripping a gun in each hand.

                         Oh Ned, I love you. I always loved 

               INT. FOYER

               Lola sits bolt upright, bloody but still bouncy.

               INT. BATHROOM

               Lana suddenly SITS UP in the tub, inhaling a huge GASP of 
               air, her eyes wild!

               INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

               Laura's Husband's eyes POP OPEN! He SITS UP suddenly... 
               smashing his head into the sharp corner of the kitchen table! 
               He topples back slowly... really dead! Finally.

               INT. THE STAIRCASE

               Lola's feet move steadily up each stair... her bloody hand 
               grasping the ice pick.


               Lana's feet step out of the tub, water dripping all around. 
               She picks up the pointed saw from the floor.

               ON THE LANDING

               Ned and Laura still embrace, her forearms crisscrossed behind 
               his neck. It's been a long embrace.

               Suddenly, Lana and Lola both appear, SCREAMING like banshees!

               Lana charges from the bathroom, grasping the sharp saw blade! 
               Lola races at them from the stairway... with the ice pick!

               Without missing a beat, Laura raises the barrels of both 
               guns and FIRES at them simultaneously... right next to Ned's 

               The impact of one bullet knocks Lana all the way back through 
               the bathroom, CRASHING spectacularly out the window! The 
               other bullet sends Lola flipping down the staircase!

               Ned looks stunned, his eyes crossed... the thundering gunshots 
               still ringing in his ears. Laura proudly blows the gunsmoke 
               away from the end of each barrel.

                         Got 'em!


                         I said... I GOT 'EM!


                         THEY'RE DEAD! GONE! KA-PUT!

               He strains to make out what she's saying, ears still ringing.

                              (yells back)
                         SURE I'LL MARRY YOU! NEXT TUESDAY 
                         WOULD BE PERFECT!

               A beat. Laura opens her mouth to correct him, then decides 
               against it. She smiles... speaking softly, almost shyly.

                         Okay. But I want to have kids.

               He hears THIS... smiles at her.


               They embrace.


               We MOVE IN SLOWLY toward the house.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         So... maybe I was wrong. Maybe women 
                         really are like a big jigsaw puzzle... 
                         with pieces that never seem to fit 
                         where you want 'em to.


               Ned and Laura are in bed, wrapped in each other's arms.

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         All I know is, there are three things 
                         that men can't possibly ever do...

               NEW ANGLE - NED AND LAURA

               Revealing that it's NOT "voice over narration." Ned is 
               actually rattling on aloud again.

                         ...understand women... give birth... 
                         and program a VCR. And giving birth 
                         is the easy one.


                         Yeah, Laura?

                         Knock off the chatter, will ya?

               He smiles at her. They kiss. Romantic SAXAPHONE MUSIC begins 
               to play... only this time, it's "Laura's Theme."

               The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY... revealing Dizzy laying on 
               the bed beside them... playing the sax.

               After a beat, Laura turns to Dizzy.

                         We won't need you anymore.

               Ned casually slips him a twenty dollar bill. Dizzy slips off 
               the bed and out the door. Laura turns to Ned.

                         We can make our own music.

               Her hand reaches slowly over the edge of the bed, toward the 
               floor. Suddenly... she comes up with a CONCERTINA, a small 
               accordian... and begins to play it!

               Ned lays there listening for a few moments, a stunned look 
               frozen on his face. Then... he reaches under the pillow and 
               pulls out a HARMONICA and joins in.

               The CAMERA BOOMS UP to a HIGH ANGLE SHOT... as they play 
               MEDLEY of all the MUSIC heard in the film.

               FADE TO BLACK

               ROLL END CREDITS

               After the final credit, WE HEAR:

                                     LAURA (V.O.)
                         Ned, do you know... I want you to 
                         make love to me all night long?

                                     NED (V.O.)
                         No. But if you hum a few bars... 
                         I'll fake it.

                                         THE END

Fatal Instinct

Writers :   David O'Malley
Genres :   Comedy  Crime  Thriller

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