FRED CLAUS
Written by
Dan Fogelman
Story by Jessie Nelson and Dan Fogelman
First Draft
(Fogelman, June 23rd, 2005)
INT. MEDIEVAL HOME - 1700 YEARS AGO (GIVE OR TAKE)
We open in the center of a MEDIEVAL HOME. Quarters are
tight. A stone hearth sits in the middle· ·of the room.
Next to the hearth sits a MOTHER, ruddy-cheeked and
hearty. She is in the middle of a painful labor,
attended to by a MIDWIFE. Next to them sits the FATHER -
a small bald man, extremely worried.
NARRATOR. (V. 0.)
You've probably heard many stories that
begin a long long time ago, in a land far
far away. This one does as well. But I
assure you: this is a story you haven't
heard before. It is the story of a boy
named Fred. And it begins right here.
The Mother SCREAMS in pain.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You must excuse Fred's mother. You see,
back in the middle ages, having a baby
was much harder. There were no
hospitals, no medicines for pain. The
only thing that remains the same today as
it was back then, was the father's role
in the birth process.
MOTHER
(to Father)
YOU MISERABLE SWINE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE
DONE TO ME! ONE NIGHT YOU DRINK ALE AND
FEEL ROMANTIC! ONE NIGHT! AND LOOK AT
ME! I'M GIVING BIRTH TO AN OXEN!
As always, the Father remains calm and nurturing.
FATHER
My dear wife, I assure you I feel your
agony.
MOTHER
YOU WANT TO FEEL MY AGONY? GO OUTSIDE,
PLUCK A TEN POUND POTATO, SWALLOW IT
WHOLE, AND MAKE IT COME OUT THE OTHER
END!!!.
MIDWIFE
It is time. You must push, Dear. Push.
One last gigantic PUSH. The midwife pulls back holding
something. She looks at the yet unseen baby, astonished:
MOTHER
What is it!? What is wrong?
2.
MIDWIFE
· (stunned)
He is the fattest baby I have ever seen.
The parents GASP, relieved. They look down at their
newborn child. The BABY is revealed. He really is the
absolute fattest baby of all time. Nevertheless, he's
adorable. Smiling even. His cheeks are rosy and
flushed, just like his mother.
FATHER
Why does he not cry?
They look back down at their smiling newborn. The baby
opens his mouth, about to cry. But instead of crying ...
BABY
Ho, ho, ho.
Stunned, the midwife CROSSES herself. The mother picks
up her baby. His weight stuns her as well.
MOTHER
Oh, good Lord.
(then)
He's perfect in every way. What will we
name him?
FATHER
My father was called Nicholas.
MOTHER
Nicholas. Yes. Nicholas Claus. My
Saint Nicholas.
The parents take in their child, blissful. Suddenly,
they hear a RUSTLING in the corner of the room. It
causes Father Claus to realize they've forgotten ...
FATHER CLAUS
Frederick? Would you like to come and
meet your brother?
Everyone turns to the corner of the room.
ANGLE ON FRED
For the first time we reveal a scrawny, tow-headed boy in
the corner - FREDERICK Claus. Biting his nails, Fred
nervously steps forward. Hesitantly, he takes a very
heavy Nicholas in his arms.
3.
------------i'ARRA'WR---------
Fred loved Nicholas from the first moment
he met him. In fact, that day he made
him a promise
Fred holds Nicholas up - face to face. He kisses him on
the forehead.
FRED
I promise to be the best big brother in
the world, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
Ho, ho, ho.
The family LAUGHS and coddles the new baby.
NARRATOR
But Fred's promise is just the beginning
of his story. You see, sometimes it's
easier to make a promise than it is to
keep one.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CLAUS HOME - SIX YEARS LATER
The family sits around their pine tree filled backyard.
It's a MEDIEVAL BIRTHDAY PARTY. Nicholas (now six, and
even fatter) is the center of attention, surrounded by
friends and gifts. Fred, now twelve, approaches him.
Fred holds a GIFT of his own.
FRED
Happy birthday, Nicholas. I made this
for you.
NICHOLAS
Why thank you, Frederick!
Nicholas HUGS Fred.
MOTHER CLAUS
That was very nice of you, Frederick.
(then, noticing)
Where are you going Nicholas?
Nicholas has SCOOPED UP all his gifts (including Fred's).
NICHOLAS
There's a poor orphan name Henry who
lives down the road. I'm bringing all my
gifts to him. He needs them more than I.
4.
MOTHER CLAUS
Why Nicholas! Isn't that lovely?!
Fred looks confused.
FRED
Do you really think Henry needs a leather
journal with the name Nicholas on the
cover?
MOTHER CLAUS
Oh. Frederick, stop being difficult. It's
a saintly thing he did. My little Saint
Nicholas!
Mother Claus wraps Nicholas in a bear hug. Almost
sympathetically, Father Claus PATS Fred on the shoulder.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CLAUS HOME - MONTHS LATER
Fred comes downstairs, wearing a new suit. He looks
adorable.
NARRATOR
And so it went for Fred. Every time he
managed to make his parents proud
MOTHER CLAUS
Why Frederick, don't you look nice?
FATHER CLAUS
A real gentleman, Son.
NARRATOR
Nicholas managed to make his parents even
prouder.
Nicholas plops out of the CHIMNEY. He's wearing a
ridiculous RED JUMPSUIT - almost a one-sie.
NICHOLAS
The door was locked so I decided to drop
down the chimney. How fun!
MOTHER CLAUS
Nicholas! Don't you look dashing!?
Fred tilts his head to look at his brother. In truth, he
kind of looks like an idiot.
5.
·-·-··········-·-········------ NI.CHOLAS.--··--------------
1 sewed it myself. I know money is tight
this year so I used the left-over fabric
from your drapery, Mother.
MOTHER CLAUS
Well, you look just lovely in red. It's
definitely your color. Making your own
clothes! You really are too much,
Nicholas.
Mother Claus runs to Nicholas and wraps him in another
hug. Fred has busied himself LOOKING UP the chimney.
FRED
If the door was locked, why didn't you
just knock?
MOTHER CLAUS
Because he's inventive, Frederick! You
know, you really should try and be more
like your brother.
Father Claus PATS Fred on the shoulder once again and
follows his wife toward Nicholas.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CLAUS HOME - DAYTIME
We pan up a large pine tree in a field. At the top, Fred
sits on a branch next to a self-made BIRDHOUSE. The
birdhouse is bright blue with yellow stripes. Intricate.
And feeding in the house is a beautiful BLUEBIRD.
FRED
(to bird)
I don't wish to hate him. He means well.
And I promised to be the best big brother
in the world.
The bird looks at Fred, his head askew.
FRED (CONT'D)
You're the only one who understands me,
Chirp-Chirp.
The bluebird CHIRPS twice. Fred smiles. But then he
hears something: a SAWING NOISE. And just like that ...
the tree (with Fred in it) WIPES the frame.
ON THE GROUND
6.
---wheJSe----F-Jee NICHOLAS
Frederick! I thought you were playing in
the fields! Are you alright!?
Fred NODS, too dazed to respond.
NICHOLAS (CONT'D)
I noticed how much you liked that tree
and I knew winter was approaching, so I
had the men chop it down and now we're
going to bring it inside the house and
put presents under it! Isn't that
wonderful? Frederick?
Fred isn't listening. He walks toward the tree. He
finds his birdhouse, SMASHED to pieces, under a branch.
He looks up in the air. The bluebird HOVERS there for a
moment, then flies away, never to return.
Fred looks at his brother, turns, and walks away.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CLAUS HOME - EVENING
Fred's giant tree is CRAMMED into the tiny room,
literally engulfing it. The family sits under the tree,
opening presents. Fred skulks in the corner.
NARRATOR
Ah, poor Fred. That tree was the last
straw. He began to resent his brother,
and his parents, and even his life. And
like many unhappy children, he became
angry. Naughty even.
Fred THROWS an apple across the room, hitting Nicholas in
the back. Though his parents don't notice, Nicholas
turns and sees what Fred did. Nicholas' face drops - he
doesn't want his brother to hate him.
FATHER CLAUS
What's the matter, Nicholas?
NICHOLAS
(sadly, covering)
Nothing.
7.
_____________ _ N b . R M T ~ ~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _____ ·--
But while Fred grew worse and worse,
Nicholas grew even more generous·, and
eventually, he fulfilled his mother's
prophesy. In manhood, he literally
became a saint.
A MONTAGE OF FAMILY PORTRAITS (as the family grows older)
covers the rest of the narration. In the portraits, Fred
become progressively more sullen whereas Nicholas (always
in red) becomes jollier and fatter.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Now it's a little known rule of
sainthood, but when you become a saint,
you freeze in time, eternally ageless.
It's an even lesser known fact, but the
rule applies to immediate family of the
saint as well - parents and siblings.
Now you probably already have your
suspicions of what became of Saint Nick.
You may even have heard a story or two
about him. But as I told you before,
this is a story about Fred. And the next
part of Fred's story occurs in a time and
place that might be a little more
familiar to you ...
CUT TO:
We're CLOSE ON a quaint, quiet CHRISTMAS VILLAGE. We
PULL BACK, revealing that the village is actually a
Christmas display in a Macy's Window.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - MORNING
A CAPTION reads: New York City, December 16th, 2005.
We PULL AWAY from the window and TRACK our shot down the
street, passing Christmas displays in every store-front.
Santa Claus is everywhere, a legend.
An adult FRED CLAUSE stands grimacing in front of one
such window. He's at the famous MANHATTAN FAO SCHWARTZ.
Fred is disheveled and sarcastic looking - centuries of
being overshadowed have clearly taken their toll.
A LITTLE GIRL drags her mother toward the toy store.
LITTLE GIRL
Mommy, Mommy! Can we go see Santa? I
love Santa so much! I want to see Santa!
8.
.. ·-·-·····------- - - - - - - - - ERE,.,__-------------------·---·-···-·
Hey Sweetie. You want to know a secret
about Santa?
The girl nods eagerly. Her mother smiles.
FRBD (CONT'D)
He peed his bed until he was seven.
The mother pulls her away. Fred smiles and continues on.
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER - LATER
Fred CRINGES at the sight of the ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE.
He approaches the corner of a street where CAROLERS sing
Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Fred interrupts.
FRED
Excuse me? I was just wondering: have
you all ever thought about the lyrics
you're singing? "He knows when you 1 ve
been sleeping, he knows when you're
awake." If that's not serious Big
Brother propaganda, I don't know what is.
CAROLER
It's just a song, Man.
FRED
Yes. And Mein Kampf was just" a book.
A few carolers GASP in horror.
FRED (CONT'D)
(smiling)
Merry Christmas.
Leaving them stunned, Fred walks away and hails a cab.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI CAB - LATER
Fred sits in back. Up front, A FOREIGN CABBIE wears a
red Santa hat. On the radio, Here Comes Santa Claus
plays. The cabbie SINGS along in a heavy accent.
FRED
You mind changing the station?
The Cabbie looks at Fred, annoyed. He switches the
station. Jingle Bells plays. As he starts singing
9.
--·-·- -------------------,cRELJ-{-GQNT-'-DH--------~
Change it, please.
Irritated the cabbie changes the station once more. Now
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer plays. The cabbie sings
the familiar interjections.
RADIO·
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose
CABBIE
(with heavy accent)
Like a light bulb!
Fred slams his head back in his seat.
CUT TO:
EXT. 28TH AND LEXINGTON - CONTINUOUS
Exiting the cab, Fred spots a young METER-MAID putting a
ticket· on a car. The woman is pretty, but not in the
dlassical sense. No make-up, no fuss. She could easily
replace the glasses with contacts ... but won't. Fred
watches her. A MAN exits the STARBUCKS next door sipping
his coffee. He sees the ticket being placed on his car.
MAN
Wait! Wait! That's my car! I was just
there for a minute!
METER-MAID
And?
MAN
(obviously lying)
Listen, my wife's pregnant and was
craving a frappacino. You know how a
woman gets when she's pregnant, right?
Unimpressed, the meter-maid continues writing the ticket.
MA
Ah, c'mon Sweetheart. It's Christmas-
time.
METER-MAID
Well, then here's a gift. Hope you like
it. It's not returnable.
She hands him the TICKET.
10.
· ···-- -- --.---------------ME'l'E-R-MAI-f}-fGGN'l'-'-D-+------~-- --·---- ·--
By the way, when you're trying to talk a
woman out of giving you a ticket, it's
probably best if you didn't call her
'Sweetheart.' I'm sure you don't talk
that way to your very pregnan_t wife who
you're bringing the highly caffeinated
frappacino·that you already drank half
of. Merry Christmas.
Beaten, the man takes the ticket and leaves. Fred
approaches the woman. He kisses her on the cheek.
FRED
You've never been sexier, Wanda.
Fred and Wanda embrace and begin catching up. As they
do, they see a NYC HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE approaching. A
HAPPY COUPLE hold each other tightly. As it passes
FRED (CONT'D)
Those carriages are a tourist trap rip-
off!
WANDA
And the horses are malnourished!
Fred kisses Wanda on the cheek and they begin walking
down the street together in contented silence.
WANDA (CONT'D)
So tomorrow's my birthday.
Fred doesn't look up. His response is monotone.
FRED
Happy birthday.
Wanda tries again.
WANDA
And I was wondering if I should plan on,
you know, spending it with you. I mean,
we've been together for two years and --
FRED
Wanda, you know how we feel about
birthdays. They're a Hallmark creation.
Why should we celebrate the fact that
you've grown a year closer to death?
C'mon, Hon'.
WANDA
No, you're right. Sorry, I don't know
where that came from.
(MORE)
11.
WANDA(CONT'D)
(a beat, then)
....... Hey-,--t:her.e.s.....a...n.ew_.or.angut.an_.exhibit....aL_____ . ···--- _____ --·-··--·-
the Bronx Zoo. Wanna go buy some monkey
masks and prison uniforms and go make the
hypocrites at that animal enslavement
camp uncomfortable?
FRED
There's my girl.
Wanda smiles weakly as Fred KISSES her cheek. Fred looks
at his watch, realizing ...
FRED (CONT'D)
Actually, I better get to work. Gotta do
my part to keep spreading that Christmas
cheer.
CUT TO:
EXT. LARGE BROWNSTONE - HOURS LATER
A VAN with lettering reading "Repo-Man(hattan) ," sits in
front of a lavish home. The house is decorated to the
hilt in Christmas decor.
Fred EXITS the brownstone. His job is the exact opposite
of his brother's: he's a Repo Mani Fred is carrying a
LEATHER OTTOMAN and is followed by a group of large men,
carrying other goods. Fred grimaces at the sight of all
the Christmas decor on the fr·ont lawn.
WORKER
Fred-, this flat screen wasn't even on the
list.
FRED
Otto, a twelve year old had a fifty-two
inch plasma in her room. Trust me, we're
teaching her a valuable life lesson.
Punctuating his thought, a SANTA STATUE HO-HO-HO'S,
scaring the crap out of Fred.
INT. FRED'S APARTMENT - LATER
We're CLOSE ON the same leather ottoman. We PULL BACK
revealing Fred. He sits on his couch with his feet
propped up on the ottoman. The apartment is filled with
goods Fred has obviously stolen from repossessions. None
of the furniture matches - end-tables from one house, a
couch from another, a love seat even rests on it's side
in the corner - there's no room for it.
12 .
.... --~~,i_J,a_~oin.g....tJirrn1gb bis mail..___He.....dis.cards one--".PAS.T----·-.. ·--·--··.
DUE" bill after another. Only one ENVELOPE catches his
at tent ion, postmarked, "North Pole." Fred· opens it.
CLOSE-UP OF CHRISTMAS CARD
It's from his brother, bearing a picture of Santa, Mrs.
Claus, the Elves, and the Reindeer. Inside is a note:
"Dearest, Frederick. Merry Christmas! It's been a big
year tor us. Vixen gave birth to a baby reindeer! He
looks just like Prancer! We didn't even know they got
The Little Missus sends her --"
along (LOL) !
BACK TO SCENE
A KNOCK on the window (by the fire escape) interrupts.
There stands a cute, if a bit mischievous, boy. This is
SLAM (10). Slam is basically a black Dennis the Menace.
SLAM
Hey Fred! Whatcha doin'?
FRED
Nothing.
SLAM
Can I come hang out?
FRED
No.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. FRED'S APARTMENT - MINUTES LATER
Fred sits next to Slam on the couch. Slam is mid-story,
clearly desperate for attention and love .
. SLAM
So I'm not sure how Santa is gonna know
where to bring me my gifts this year
because I was living with my Grandma when
I wrote the letter, but then she got sick
so I was living with my cousin when I
sent the letter, but then she moved, so
now I'm living with my Aunt but a lot of
times we wind up staying at her
boyfriend's. What do you think, Fred?
Do you think Santa'll find me?
Fred looks at Slam blankly for a long beat.
13.
·- ----····· · - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - F - R - E : D - > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Let' splay the quiet game.
Fred FLICKS on the television. Miracle on 34th St. is
playing. Fred changes the channel. A Charlie Brown
Christmas. He flips again. Christmas with Regis and
Kelly. At wits end, Fred shuts off the television. They
sit in silence for a while.
SLAM
I should have gotten a·cell phone. Then
I could have left Santa my cell phone
number and he could have called me before
Christmas just to see where I was. Do
you think I should have done that?
FRED
1 think you just lost the quiet game.
(a beat, then)
Let me tell you something about Santa
Claus, Kid. Santa Cl_aus is the most
over-rated icon in history. Alexander
the Great, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson
Mandela, Joe Dimmagio. Heroes all. But
Santa Claus? Completely over-rated. And
perverse I might add. I dare you to name
me another public figure who is commended
for forcing small children to sit on his
lap.
SLAM
I never thought of it that way.
(then)
But c'mon Fred. If you could ask Santa
for anything this year, what would it be?
FRED
Money, Kid, I'd ask Santa for boatloads
of hard, unmarked, untraceable cash.
Then I'd take that money and buy my own
island. An island that's always hot and
where every drink comes with an umbrella
in it. And you know what the best part
of this island is? It's so far away from
the rest of the world that no one has
even heard of Santa Claus there. I call
it Santaless Ville.
Slam takes in Fred for a beat.
SLAM
Dude, you've got serious Santa issues
don't you?
14.
---'Phere·'·s···A·-RNeeK-at-the-door-;---·Pred··opens···it,-revea:l+ng-;a~--
large intimidating man. This is Fred's boss, QUINCE.
When Fred sees Quince, he quickly shuts the door, talking
to him through a small open crack.
QUINCE
I need to send you on a job. Your phone
isn't working. You forget to pay the
bill again?
FRED
1 didn't forget to pay it. I refused. A
subtle difference, but I think an
important one.
QUINCE
You gonna let me in?
Fred looks around. Stolen repossessions are everywhere.
FRED
I'm kinda busy right now, Quince ..
QUINCE
Yeah, well, I'm kinda gonna rip this door
off the hinges if you don't let me in.
Fred takes a deep breath and opens the door.
FRED
Before you fly off the handle --
QUINCE
(looking around)
What the --
FRED
This isn't what it looks like --
Quince GRABS Fred by the throat, and pins him against the
wall.
QUINCE
You're stealing from me? I'm gonna take
you apart.
VOICE (O.S.)
Let him go.
They turn. Slam stands behind them, feigning toughness.
He's holding A !'HONE up in the air, ·like a weapon.
15.
····-·- ···-. · · - - - - - - · - - - - - - - - - - S L A M I - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I already dialed the nine and the one.
You so much as twitch I will hit·one
again.
Quince and Fred turn toward Slam.
FRED.
He knows the phone doesn't work, Kid.
SLAM
Oh.
Slam throws the phone away and steps toward Quince.
SLAM (CONT'D)
I may not look like much, Big Man, but I
pack a punch. Brown belt, 66th Street
Karate Dojo. Last week, Mikey Rosenberg
stole my kickball during recess. Let's
just say he spent the afternoon with the
nurse. You make one more move you'll be
playing the quiet game permanently.
After a beat taking in Slam, Quince turns back to Fred.
He SLAMS him against the wall.
QUINCE
I'll be sending guys over for everything
here. Plus, you owe me twenty-five
grand. Call it interest. I want it by
New Years. Or you're gonna have much
bigger problems than a disconnected phone
line.
Quince storms out. Fred turns back toward Slam.
SLAM·
Thank God I was here, huh?
EXT. BROOKLYN STREET CORNER - NEXT MORNING
Fred stands in a PHONE BOOTH, going through CLASSIFIED
ADS. Every ad has been crossed out in red. No luck.
FRED
(into phone)
Yes, I understand you filled· the
position. Listen Man, I'm desperate.
(a beat, listening)
Oh, it's the holiday season? Really?
Thanks for letting me know. That
explains all the lights!
16.
--··-Yr ed l1a11gs-up-and-h:Joks- EXT. 34TH STREET - HOURS LATER
Spread out as far as the eye can see (spaced about twenty
feet from one another) are identical SALVATION ARMY SANTA
Clauss, ringing their bells and jingling their pots. We
MOVE IN on one of them, dead in the middle. It's Fred.
He couldn't be more miserable. A YOUNG WOMAN passes by.
FRED
{monotone)
Hey Lady. Merry Christmas. Give to the
Salvation Army.
The woman ignores him.
FRED (CONT'D)
(under his breath)
Ho.
The lady turns around.
WOMAN
What did you say?
FRED
(faking cheer)
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
The woman raises her brow and TOSSES some change into the
pot. She walks away. Fred looks over his shoulder.
When he sees that the coast is clear, he reaches into the
pot and POCKETS the change.
VOICE (O.S.)
What are you doing, Man?
Fred turns. It's his NEIGHBORING SALVATION ARMY SANTA.
FRED
What?
SALVATION ARMY SANTA
Did you just take that change from the
pot?
FRED
No.
SALVATION ARMY SANTA
I saw you, Dude!
17.
--------¥REB-'------------------
Hey Santa, I'll do things my way you do
things yours, okay? Just mind your
business.
The Santa begins marching toward Fred.
SALVATION ARMY SANTA
The Salvation Army is my business.
ANOTHER SALVATION ARMY SANTA senses the commotion.
SALVATION ARMY SANTA #2
What's going on over there?
SALVATION ARMY SANTA #1
This guy's stealing from the pot.
SALVATION ARMY SANTA #2
What!? Hey Jermaine! Get over here.
Salvation Army Santa #2 starts walking toward Fred along
with JERMAINE, an extra large Salvation Army Santa.
FRED'S POV
Three Santas are converging on him, angry. Needless to
say, it's an odd sight. PEDESTRIANS begin gathering.
JERMAINE SANTA
Show me your pot.
FRED
(child-like)
I don't want to show you my pot.
The Jermaine Santa grabs Fred's pot and turns it upside
down. Nothing.
JERMAINE SANTA
Empty your pockets.
FRED
No.
He forcibly grabs Fred and empties his pockets. A ton of
LOOSE CHANGE falls out.
FRED (CONT'D)
I parked at a meter.
The crowd begins JEERING. The Santas close in.
18.
FRED··(CONJ:'-4)+------- ---····-··--~-- ······ ·· -·
Alright, let's just relax, fellas.
There's kids here. There's no need to
beat down Santa in front of --
Mid-sentence, Fred (not exactly a fighter) SLAPS Jermaine
Santa in the face and starts RUNNING AWAY. The Santas
race after him.
EXT. 34TH ST - CONTINUOUS
From OVERHEAD we watch the chase move down 34th St.,
passing even more Salvation Army Santas who HEAR THE CALL
and join the chase. A lot of strange stuff goes on in
NYC. But never has the city seen a sight this odd.
EXT. CORNER OF 34TH ST. - CONTINUOUS
A television reporter does a stand-up report.
REPORTER
I'm coming to you live from 34th St.,
made famous by the classic film, Miracle
on 34th St. On no corner of any street
in America is the Christmas Spirit as
alive.
Unbeknownst to the reporter, Fred races by behind him.
REPORTER (CONT'D)
Yes, standing here, you can practically
feel the magic of Christmas. The
shoppers, the music, the joy of --
The line of rabid, screaming Santas burst into frame,
KNOCKING DOWN the reporter and TRAMPLING him.
CUT TO:
INT. TOYS R' US SANTA AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Children and their parents wait on line to sit on the
Toys R Us Santa's lap. A timid BOY is next in line.
TOYS R US SANTA
Step right up, little.boy! Ho ho ho!
Tell Santa what you want from Christmas.
As usually happens, the little boy.bursts into tears.
19.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___;,.'ATIJER------------------
It's okay, Randy. Santa's not s.cary, you
see?
At that moment, Fred races by (trailed by the Santas).
FRED
They're gonna kill me!
SALVATION ARMY SANTA
Get him!
SALVATION ARMY SANTA #2
Knock him down and smother him!
Randy bursts into hysterics all over again.
ON FRED
Who runs down an aisle. He freezes. THREE SANTAS block
the exit of the aisle. He turns around. TEN SANTAS
stand there. He's trapped.
The Santas move in. Fred looks to his right and grabs a
yellow WIFFLE BALL BAT from a shelf. He lets out a WAR-
CRY and takes a swing at the first Santa. They jump on
him. It's a giant SANTA Claus RUMBLE; Santa piles upon
Santa. Absolute chaos.
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL PHONE BOOTH - THREE HOURS LATER
Fred, beat up, stands in front of a phone. His costume
is tattered and torn from the Santa Rumble.
His attention is drawn to a HOLDING CELL to the side. A
bunch of SCARY THUGS are eyeing him.
FRED
Answer the phone, Wanda! Answer the
phone!
(turning to Cop)
What if I leave a message?
COP
We put you back in the cell until she
calls back and pays your bail.
Fred looks at the cell. In light of circumstances, this
option is especially unappealing. A THUG steps forward.
20.
--------------·~---"±··HUG--·---
Hey, Santa: I'm still waiting for that
Tonka Truck I asked you for when I was
nine. You holding out on me, Fatboy?
The other thugs LAUGH. Fred takes a deep breath.
COP
You have anyone else to call?
Clearly, Fred doesn't. He SIGHS and picks the phone back
up.
FRED
Yes, hi Operator. I'd like to make a
collect call.
(a beat, then)
The North Pole. It's unlisted.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CLAUS BEDROOM - MEANWHILE
SANTA Claus stands in front of a mirror, examining his
white hair. He looks sad.
SANTA CLAUS
There's not even a hint of grey in my
hair anymore. It's totally white.
(then)
You think I should dye it?
Mrs. Claus lies in bed. She is reading a book entitled
GINGERBREAD FOR DUMMIES.
MRS. CLAUS
You have a nice full head of hair, Honey.
SANTA CLAUS
It's white, though. It's the stress.
I'm going prematurely white.
Santa plops down in bed, depressed. Instantly, a fat
REINDEER jumps on the bed and LAYS it's head on his foot,
mimicking his master.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Cupid, down.
CUpid doesn't move an inch.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Good boy.
21.
MRS. CLAUS
Hello. This is Mrs. Claus.
(then, coldly)
Yes, we'll accept the charges.
She hands the phone to Santa, unhappy.
MRS. CLAUS (CONT'D)
It's your brother.
Santa sits up, excited. As the conversation takes place,
we go SPLIT-SCREEN between the two brothers.
SANTA CLAUS
Fred!?
FRED
Hey, Bro. How's it going?
SANTA CLAUS
Great! Oh Fred, it's so good to hear
from you!
FRED
Yeah, I meant to call and thank you for
the Bose Stereo you sent last Christmas.
And the golf clubs the year before while
I'm at it. Sorry for taking so long.
SANTA CLAUS
Oh, I'm just glad you liked them.
FRED
So, I hate to call and bother you, but I
have no one else .to call. I'm just gonna
come out with it: · I need some money.
Santa's face drops a bit.
SANTA CLAUS
Oh. Again?
Santa reaches into his nightstand and pulls out a plate
of his comfort food, COOKIES. Mrs. Claus immediately
takes the plate away from him and shakes her head.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Well, of course, Fred. Whatever you
need. How much?
Mrs. Claus motions for Santa to talk to her.
22.
-------------------S:ANTA-·-eLAUS--(-0~-ttt-----------····
Do you mind holding on for a second,
Fred?
We LOSE THE SPLIT SCREEN. Santa covers the receiver end
of the phone with his hand.
MRS. CLAUS
You should hang up, Nicholas. You have
enough on your plate without worrying
about him. The efficiency expert is
corning tomorrow and look at you: you're
already eating your stress away.
SANTA CLAUS
I was hungry.
MRS. CLAUS
Eating before bed is the worst thing you
can do for your metabolism.
SANTA CLAUS
He's my brother, Honey.
Mrs .. Claus SIGHS.
MRS. CLAUS
Well, just don't enable him. Every time
he gets in trouble you bail him out. You
need to practice tough love.
SANTA CLAUS
I'm a Saint, Honey. Tough love is very
difficult for me.
Santa picks up the phone again. BACK TO SPLIT SCREEN.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
How much do you need, Fred?
FRED
Well, thing is ... I'm kind of in jail.
SANTA CLAUS
What?
FRED
Yeah, long story. So I need five grand
for the bail and another twenty-five
grand on top of that. For something else.
Santa Claus shakes his head.
23 .
.. ,---····· . ____ .. - - - - - - - - - - - - - = A N ' I ' A - C L A U - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Alright, Fred. I'll pay your bail. But
if you want the rest ... you're gonna
have to ... come up here! Yes, you can
work for me! Earn the money!
Mrs. Claus freezes in horror. Fred too.
FRED
.I'm not coming up there.
SANTA CLAUS
C'mon, Fred. You've never been up North.
I know Mrs. Claus would like to see you.
Santa COVERS Mrs. Claus's mouth before she can scream.
FRED
Bro --
SANTA CLAUS
Fred, I'm sorry, but if you say no then I
will not pay your bail.
(then, apologetic)
I'm practicing tough love.
CUT TO:
INT. FRED'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Fred is finishing throwing clothing in a SUITCASE. Wanda
ENTERS the front door.
WANDA
Hey. Why are you packing?
FRED
I have to go see my brother.
WANDA
You have a brother?
FRED
Yeah.
WANDA
We've been dating for almost two years.
How come you never told me you had a
brother?
FRED
I don't know. It never came up.
24.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - W A N B t A - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- -------------- ------
Yes it did. When we first started dating
I said, "So Fred, do you have any
brothers or sisters?" And you said, "No,
Wanda."
FRED
sweetie, I'm in a little bit of a rush
right now.
WANDA
So you're spending the holidays with your
mysterious brother. Were you going to
tell me?
FRED
It was last minute.
WANDA
Where does he live?
FRED
North.
WANDA
Oh? Upstate? Maine? Canada?
FRED
More north.
WANDA
You know what, Fred? You don't want to
invite me to meet your family, fine. You
don't have to be cryptic about
At that moment, Slam BURSTS in. He runs over to Fred.
SLAM
Fred! Fred! Thank God you're home.
FRED
Kid, it's not a good
Slam hands Fred a crumpled TEN DOLLAR BILL.
SLAM
It's everything I had
Here's ten bucks.
I need you to pretend
in my piggy bank.
to be my father.
FRED
What on Earth are you talking about --
VOICE (O.S.)
He's in here.
25.
FRED
Who the hell are you?
FEMALE AGENT
We're with child services, Sir. We've
come to remove this minor.from an unfit
home. Who are you?
Fred looks at Slam. The poor kid is pleading with his
eyes. Fred shakes his head. Of all the times ...
FRED
I'm the boy's father.
Awkwardly, Fred puts his arm around Slam.
ON FRED AND SLAM
We take them in: a white guy with his little black son.
It's not very convincing. Fred realizes.
FRED (CONT'D}
He has my feet.
MALE AGENT
Sir, I don't know who you are, but you're
not the boy's father. According to our
records, both his parents have passed
away.
Fred looks down at Slam, surprised.
FRED
You told me they were travelling around
Europe.
SLAM
Yeah, and while they vacationed in Paris
they left me in a Brooklyn tenement with
my unfit aunt. I bet if you pushed you
could have gotten it out of me.
Fred kneels down, gently.
FRED
I want you to listen to me, Kid. I like
you. I really do. That's a big thing
because I don't like many people.
Slam can't help but smile.
26.
{CONT' l2L_ __________________________ ............. - - -
_ _ _ _ _ _F"-'Ri;:.J)
I know this whole thing seems kinda
crappy and it is. And so is the· stuff
with your parents being dead which, by
the way, if you had told me could have
bought you a lot more time on my couch
and I'm proud that you didn't use
something like that for personal gain.
SLAM
Thanks.
FRED
The way I see it, you found out pretty
early that the world isn't fair. And if
you know that this early, it gives you an
early start on everyone else. You have
to take care of yourself now. You know
how to do that.
Slam nods. Before Fred can react, Slam HUGS him.
Surprised, Fred takes a beat before awkwardly hugging him
back. Just like that, Slam turns toward the agents.
SLAM
Let's get something straight. I'm not
Little Orphan Annie. If you're waiting
for me to sing The Sun Will Come out
Tomorrow on the way to the orphanage,
you're wasting your time. Let's go.
Slam EXITS and the agents follow. Fred watches sadly.
He realizes he still has Slam's ten dollars in his hand.
FRED
Kid, wait.
Fred goes to the door, but it's too late. Fred sadly
pockets the cash. He turns back around toward Wanda.
WANDA
I'm leaving you, Fred.
FRED
(not getting it)
I'm gonna mail the kid the money back.
WANDA
It was my birthday, today. And you know
what? Maybe it is a Hallmark creation.
And maybe I am a year closer to death.
So I didn't need a card. I didn't need a
horse drawn carriage.
(MORE)
27.
WANDA(CONT'D)
But it would have been nice to have
----····-···--··-dinne;,::._w.i,th-m')Lboy.f.xciend~-I-t-couJ.d--0f'-------··· ··-··-··--·--
been a number two at Taco Bell. That's
all I required.
FRED
You get sick from Taco Bell.
Wanda smiles, sad.
WANDA
Goodbye Fred.
Wanda exits. Fred goes after her.
FRED
Wanda, wait!
But then Fred freezes, hearing something. Faintly, then
a bit louder. JINGLING. BELLS. CLOPPING on the roof.
FRED (CONT'D)
Perfect timing. As always.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOFTOP - MINUTES LATER
With his bag slung around his neck, Fred humps up the
fire escape. He arrives on the rooftop as we behold ...
SANTA'S SLEIGH.
It's much larger· than you'd expect, roughly the size of a
mid-sized sedan. THE EIGHT REINDEER, lead by RUDOLPH,
pace restlessly. It's quite a sight.
An elf stands in· front of the sleigh, ultra serious.
This is WILLY. Like a driver at an ai)'.llort, Willy holds
up a white sign that reads, "FRED Claus."
WILLY
You're Mr. Claus?
FRED
Yes.
WILLY
Can I see some identification, please?
FRED
Excuse me?
WILLY
It's protocol.
28.
····-·--Sl0wly-,.-F'r-ed--!'ealizes-t-ha-t--Wi-l-l-y--i.s-se!'i-ous.--F>"ed-hands---··--·-·
him his license. Willy checks it out carefully.
WILLY (CONT'D)
Very nice to meet you, Mr. Claus·.
FRED
Fred's fine·.
WILLY
I'm Willy. As proof of my identity as an
elf, I offer you my card.
He hands Fred a card that reads: "Willy. Head Elf."
FRED
Well, I doubted you before, but now I
feel more confident.
Willy looks at him blankly. A sense of humor is not his
strong suit. He drags Fred's bag toward the sleigh. A
reindeer JUMPS on Fred and starts HUMPING his leg.
WILLY
Vixen! Down!
(apologetic)
Sorry about that. I think she likes you.
Vixen hops down. Fred SNEEZES.
WILLY (CONT'D)
You're not allergic to reindeer are you?
FRED
How would I know?
Fred SNEEZES again.
WILLY
You're allergic.
FRED
Fantastic.
CUT TO:
INT. SLEIGH· CONTINUOUS
Fred settles in the back of the sleigh. It's much nicer
than you'd think. Leather seats. Fred skims the
magazine rack in front him. It holds various North Pole
publications: "Santa," "Santa Weekly, 11 etc.
29.
·---·--·-W-i'l'l-y--sit-s--4n-t.he--f-r-ent---of-the-sleigh-.--He-Ls--Bepa-rated-·--~
from Fred by a GLASS WALL (like a limo). Though he's
just feet from Fred, he talks through an INTERCOM.
WILLY
(ala flight attendant)
A ho, ho, ho to our passengers. We here
in Santa's Sleigh welcome you aboard.
For your safety, we ask you to listen to
the following safety precautions. In the
event of a change in cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the roof --
OXYGEN MASKS, shaped like Santa hats, drop from the
ceiling. Fred SIGHS. It's going to be a long trip.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SLEIGH - TEN MINUTES LATER
Willy is still going. Fred is still sneezing.
WILLY
At last check, the temperature in the
North Pole is a balmy negative twenty-
seven degrees. 7hat concludes our pre-
flight instructions. We know you don't
really have any other options when flying
to the North Pole, .but nevertheless,
we're glad you chose Santa's sleigh.
Enjoy the flight.
Willy turns forward and SNAPS the reigns.
WILLY (CONT'D)
Ho!
And just like that the reir.deer take off. No running
start or gradual ascent as Christmas tales would have us
believe. Just straight up - like a rocket ship. Fred's
head slams back. He ·SCREAMS!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE - CONTINUOUS
The reindeer SHOOT through the sky. Fred SCREAMS the
entire time. His CRY carries through the whole city. Up
and up and up, until finally hitting their altitude.
They level off, and begin a gentle, steady ride forward.
30.
INT. SLEIGH - CONTINUOUS
Fred's head is still flush against the seat, his eyes
rolled back. He's still SCREAMING even though the ascent
has ended. Finally Willy comes over the INTERCOM.
WILLY
Ladies and Gentlemen, the seat belt sign
has been turned off. Please feel free to
roam about the sleigh.
Fred, dazed, looks out the side of the sleigh.
FRED'S POV.
This isn't your typical airplane view of clouds and
skylines. They're much higher right now. It's an
overview of THE ENTIRE EARTH. Fred takes it in, awed.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SLEIGH - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Fred SNEEZES. Willy comes over the intercom again.
WILLY
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to
begin our descent to the North Pole. As
you may have noticed, the seat belt sign
has been turned back on.
FRED
Wait, we're there, already? Is it going
to be as steep as --
Before he can finish, the sleigh literally drops down out
of the sky. Fred SLAMS back into his seat and begins
SCREAMING again. Screaming and screaming and screaming
until the sleigh levels off and slows. Fred looks out.
FRED'S POV
Only about fifty feet from the ground, Fred (as well as
the audience) gets an overview of the North Pole for the
first time. It's really quite astounding.
First off, ·the colors: everything is RED, GREEN, AND
WHITE. Bright. Vivid. Like the first time you ever saw
the grass and uniforms at a professional baseball game.
31.
---""""·---A·-"la-:iege-"8!J'RUGTURE,-Gandy-c-ane-st.,,_iped,--s-itS-dead-.centerc.----
Other buildings in the village spiral out from this
center building. In effect, the buildings· (as a whole)
form a giant CANDY CANE SHAPE.
On the ground ELVES flow, elegant. Why? They're
skating.
FLOOD LIGHTS shoot up from the ground everywhere,
lighting the whole community.
The reindeer LAND. Fred reaches for the door, desperate
to get out of the sleigh.
WILLY
You might want
I should warn you, Fred.
It's quite cold in the
to bundle up.
North Pole. Oh, and also
Fred grabs the door handle.
FRED
Willy, I live in New York City, okay? I
can handle a little cold weath
Stepping outside the sled, Fred screams.
FRED (CONT'D)
OMIGOD IT'S FREEZING!
Fred SLIPS on the ice and lands flat on his butt. He
lies on the ground, SHIVERING and SNEEZING. Reindeer
begin HUMPING him again. Willy approaches.
WILLY
The ground is solid ice. I was going to
warn you of that, but you stepped
outside, screamed, then slipped on the
ice.
FRED
Yes. Thanks for the recap, Willy.
Willy helps Fred up. Fred looks in front of him.
FRED'S POV
The entire community of· ELVES stand in front of S"anta' s
Workshop, looking at Fred. Five female CHEERLEADER elves
in elf/cheerleader costumes step forwa"rd.
CHEERLEADERS
F-R-E, D-D-I-E, that's the way we spell
Freddie. Freddie. Merry Christmas
Freddie! Yay!
32 .
.. -·-··· The-·eheerleader-s-begi-ns-·-:l·ump½ng···and--cheeri:ng-.--.Pred·-·looks-----
t o Willy, confused.
WILLY
The Christmas Spirit.
FRED
Of course they are.
Quickly, a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN wearing a business suit,
glasses, and a headset rushes over toward Fred.
WOMAN
Mr. Claus, it's so nice to have you here.
I'm Charlene, Santa's Little Helper. I
trust your flight was quick and painless?
FRED
Actually --
CHARLENE
Great, great. I'm sorry to be so. rushed
but I'm trying to keep Santa on schedule.
We're just one hundred, thirty seven
hours and twenty-five minutes till D-day.
WILLY
(in love)
Charlene is as brilliant with numbers as
she is beautiful.
Charlene is too frazzled to heed the compliment.
CHARLENE
Oh, well thank you
Charlene searches for a name.
WILLY
{deflating)
Willy.
CHARLENE
Willy. Now let's get this whole thing
started, shall we? We're running behind.
Willy deflates a bit, but gathers himself quickly.
WILLY
One. And two. One, two, three, four!
In unison, elves begin CHANTING: Here Comes Santa Claus.
33.
------------------ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa
Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane.
ON THE BUILDING
Where four elves emerge. They wear dark suits, dark.
sunglasses, and large·earpieces. These are Santa's
SECRET SERVICE ELVES.
HEAD SECRET SERVICE ELF
(into earpiece)
Big Red is exiting the building. I
repeat, Big Red is exiting the building.
SANTA (O.S.)
Ho, ho, ho!
And like that, the elves part in the middle, creating a
militarily precise lane. This clears a path in the
middle of them marked "SANTA Claus LANE."
FRED
You've got to be kidding me.
Santa and Mrs. Claus step out and walk toward Fred.
SANTA CLAUS
There's my big brother!
Santa RUNS to Fred. In his excitement, he SLIPS on the
ice and SLIDES directly into Fred. They FALL to the
ground in a heap. The reindeer begin HUMPING Fred again.
The secret service elves immediately run to Santa's side.
SECRET SERVICE ELF
Big Red has hit the ice. I repeat, Big
Red has hit the ice.
The elves jump on Fred as if he's an assassin. One puts
him in a HALF NELSON.
FRED
OWWWWW!
SANTA CLAUS
Easy, boys. He's my brother.
Santa helps Fred to his t·eet.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
You have to excuse the guys. The week
before Christmas is obviously a very
tense time for them. They can't let
anything happen to me.
34.
SANTA CLAUS {CONT'D)
My goodness, it's great to see you Fred!
FRED
(muffled)
Good to see you, too.
SANTA CLAUS
Say hello to Mrs. Claus!
Fred turns. He's face to face with Mrs. Claus.
FRED
How are you, Annette?
MRS. CLAUS
Oh, you know, busy baking. A billion
cookies here, ten thousand gingerbread
houses there. And those Christmas tree
shaped cookies may just be the death of
me. Very intricate. But I'm not
complaining. I mean, what's a little
carpal tunnel syndrome compared to the
happiness people get from Christmas
goodies?
Mrs. Claus leans· in and KISSES Fred on the cheek.
MRS. CLAUS (CONT'D)
You look well.
FRED
You too. You've lost weight.
SANTA CLAUS
(child-like)
What about me? Do I look like I've lost
any weight?
Fred looks at his brother. He's really big.
FRED
It's hard to tell. You know, the suit's
bulky and everything.
SANTA CLAUS
(holding out hope)
Yeah, it's probably the suit.
(then)
C'mon, Fred. I'll give you the tour!
35.
---------SEGRET--SERV-IGE·-EbF-······-·-·-·----
( into headset)
Big Red's gonna want the Ho-Ho-Ho-Mobile.
I repeat, Big Red's gonna want the Ho-Ho-
Ho-Mobile.
CUT TO:
INT. THE HO-HO-HO-MOBILE - FIVE MINUTES LATER
The Ho-ho~ho-mobile is part moped, part zambonie. Santa
sits in the driver's seat, wearing a helmet, happy as a
big red clam. Fred sits in the tiny SIDECAR, wearing his
helmet. He's freezing, sneezing, and miserable.
They arrive at a building. A sign out front reads: "The
North Pole Post Office, happily serving our community
through snow, snow, or snow."
cu:r TO:
INT. POST OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Fred and Santa stand in the back room. It's an inticrate
postal system - CHUTES (shaped like water-slides) drop
mail from all over the world into LARGE BINS labeled by
continent (AFRICA_, AUSTRALIA, etc. )
SANTA CLAUS
We get over nine hundred thousand letters
a day during season. Busiest post office
in the world.
Two elves ENTER - a married couple, LINDA AND BOB. They
both wear postal gear, miniature mail deliverers.
BOB
Linda, for God's sake, you can't just
throw the mail from Australia into the
Africa bin.
LINDA
Don't yell at me, Bob. The Australia bin
was getting full and I had to take
action. I don't see what the big deal is.
BOB
Oh you don't? You don't? Well maybe you
can explain it to the kid in Kenya who
gets a surfboard for Christmas!
36.
Ho, ho, ho!
Linda and Bob turn. Immediately, they shift tone.
LINDA AND BOB
Santa!
SANTA CLAUS
Linda and Bob, allow me to introduce my
brother, Fred Claus.
Fred shakes their hands.
FRED
( trying charm)
Hey don't stop fighting on my account.
I'm a sucker for a disgruntled postal
worker.
Everyone FREEZES at this. Santa CLOSES HIS EYES, sensing
what's coming. Bob marches up to Fred's waist.
BOB
(pissed off)
Are you kidding me with that?
FRED
{confused)
With what?
BOB
Don't play dumb, Wiseguy. What you were
just doing is reaffirming a stereotype -
the rampaging postal work. You think
because my wife and I get a little
stressed around the holidays and let off
a little steam by playfully yelling at
each other that it means we're a couple
of nutcases biding our time until
complete psychotic breaks? Is that what
you think? What other stereo-type jokes
you have? Wanna make a crack about our
height? Know any good midget jokes?
Fred turns toward Santa.
FRED
So this was fun. Where to next?
CUI' TO:
37.
EXT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - ESTABLISHING SHOT
A small pub, next to the post office. A neon light
flickers out front. It reads, "Happy Hour, nightly.
Half off candy corn and eggnog.
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - CONTINUOUS
Santa and Fred walk inside. Fred is still shivering.
SANTA CLAUS
Yep, even the North Pole has a watering
hole.
FRED
Man, it's freezing in here.
VOICE (O.S.)
Damn right it is!
Fred turns. Behind the bar stands the proprietor of the
tavern: FROSTY THE SNOWMAN.
ON FROSTY
Just as we've always pictured him - three snowballs make
up his body, a carrot acts as a nose, and two lumps of
black coal for eyes. However, Frosty is not completely as
we might envision him. A CIGAR dangles from his mouth.
And he speaks with a distinct Brooklyn accent.
FROSTY
Yep, I keep the place at exactly thirty-
two degrees Fahrenheit. At this point in
my career, there's no need to stress out
about melting, you know?
Fred's jaw drops.
FROSTY (CONT'D)
My whole life, it's l.ike I've had this
gigantic weight on my snow-ders. Is it
gonna be hot today? So your brother here
calls me up and says, "Frosty, why don't
you retire and move up North? It's
always freezing here." It's like I've
got a new lease on life. Life by the
snowballs I like to say, know what I
mean?
Fred is still staring at Frosty, his mouth agape.
CUT TO:
38 .
..... · · - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - · - - · - · · · · - · - - - - - - - - - - -
EXT. NPlOO RADIO STATION - ESTABLISHING SHOT
The outside of the radio station has ANTENNAS shooting
out toward the sky. The antennas are all shaped like
candy canes.
INT. NPlOO RADIO STATION - CONTINUOUS
Santa and Fred stand behind a glass wall, watching a very
hip elf, DJ DONNIE D, talk into·a microphone.
DJ DONNIE D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was Jingle Bells,
coming in at number five this week, where
it's been holding rock steady for let's
see here ... six hundred and forty-three
consecutive weeks. Quick weather update,
it's still really really freakin' cold.
DJ Donnie D notices Santa· and WAVES, excited.
DJ DONNIE D (CONT'D)
Well, look at what the sleigh dragged in!
It seems we have a very special guest in
our studio. It's none other than the
Head of the Sled, the King of Christmas
Bling, ho, ho, ho, it's Santa. And his
brother.
Santa enters. Fred follows wearily. Santa does a cool
HANDSHAKE with Donnie and puts on a headset.
DJ DONNIE D (CONT'D)
Know you're busy, Santa. You have time
to take a quick call?
SANTA CLAUS
Of course.
Santa shrugs at Fred. We can tell: he loves this.
DJ DONNIE D
Tanya, line four, you're on with Santa.
TANYA (O.S.)
Omigod! I can't believe I'm on with
Santa! I'm a huge fan! You're totally
hot! Hey Fred, what's it's like being
Santa's brother? Is it just awesome?
Donnie turns to Fred. Fred awkwardly leans in.
39.
Oh yes. Awesome.
(to Santa)
You know what, Bro? I'm pretty wiped.· I
think I need to get some sleep.
DJ DONNIE D
Ladies and Gentlemen, this just in:
Santa's brother is a party pooper, a
frequent snoozer, an excuse user!
Donnie plays a BOOING SOUND EFFECT. Santa CHUCKLES for a
minute, then notices Fred glaring and stops instantly.
SANTA CLAUS
Anyways ...._I've already made your
sleeping arrangements. I think you'll be
quite pleased.
CUT TO:
INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Fred.rooms with Willy in bunk beds. Willy is on the
bottom. Fred's feet hang off the small top bed.
WILLY
You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable
on the bottom?
FRED
Don't think it'll make a difference,
Willy.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S RESIDENCE· MEANWHILE
Santa lies on his side of his bed, going through a stack
of LETTERS TO SANTA. We hear running water coming from
the bathroom.
SANTA CLAUS
How you doing in there, Honey?
MRS. CLAUS (O.S.)
Just finishing washing my face.
Quickly, Santa opens his nightstand, searching for his
secret stash. He pulls out a plate of ...
SANTA CLAUS
What the --
40 .
... -- .Santa:.s.-eookies-ha¥""-been.-,;eplaced-by. .. a--VEGETABLE-PLATE+· -·
celery, carrots, and dip.
MRS. CLAUS (O.S.)
(knowingly)
The dip is low-fat and low-carb. I think
you'll like it.
SANTA CLAUS
.I want my cookies!
Trying to rid himself of a celery stalk, Santa TOSSES it
to a REINDEER (at the foot of his bed). The reindeer
runs at lightning speed, catches it, and returns it
instantly, as if playing fetch.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I thought you·were my boy, Blitzen.
Mrs. Claus exits the bathroom. She's wearing a sexy (yet
very PG rated) red nightgown. She pushes a button on the
stereo. MARVIN GAYE begins playing. She seductively
walks toward the bed. Santa is still focused on the
vegetable platter.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I don't understand why I can't have my
cookies.
MRS. CLAUS
Babe, we have to get your weight in
check.
SANTA CLAUS
You know how stressed out I get during
the holiday season. It's these kids.
Used to be they'd write a letter asking
for a few toys. simple ones, too. A
doll. A yo-yo. But look at this.
Santa UNROLLS a letter all the way down to the floor.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Timmy Beckford from St. Paul, Minnesota.
Look at this: I-pods, video games, a
jersey of ... I don't even know what a
Lebron James is.
Santa SIGHS and ROLLS back up Timmy Beckford's letter.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I'm going on a diet after New Years.
It's my resolution.
41.
. --·- -- --~-------·--MRS-.--C-Ll\US- · · - - - - -
There are other ways to relieve stress,
you know?
Santa is searching his nightstand.
SANTA CLAUS
I want my cookies.
MRS. CLAUS
(losing patience)
Would you look at me?
Mrs. Claus stands in front of the bed, swaying gently to
the music. Santa chomps a celery stalk, not getting it.
SANTA CLAUS
What?
Mrs. Claus SIGHS and puts on a bathrobe. She PLOPS into
bed and picks up her book (He's Just Not That Into You).
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, Hon'. I'm just under a lot of
pressure. On top of everything, that
efficiency expert is coming tomorrow. If
he sends the Higher Ups a bad report, I
really think they'll try to shut us down.
They already want to replace my elves
with robots and machines.
MRS. CLAUS
That won't happen.
SANTA CLAUS
But what if it does? What will happen to
all my elves?
MRS. CLAUS
Oh Nicholas. You carry the weight of the
world on your shoulders, don't you?
Here.
Mrs. Claus pulls a HEALTH BAR from her nightstand.
SANTA CLAUS
What's this?
MRS. CLAUS
A Zone Bar. I'm starting you on the
zone.
SANTA CLAUS
Is gingerbread on the zone?
42.
No.
Santa makes a face and takes a bite of the bar. Yuck.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - NEXT MORNING
We PAN a wall, lined with FRAMED PHOTOS. The photos are
signed headshots of famous people, like one would find on
the wall of a dry cleaners.
ON HOMER'S PICTURE. It reads, "Thanks for the fountain
pen, Santa. I think I may begin writing about the
Greeks. Homer."
ON RICHARD NIXON'S PICTURE. It reads, "My gratitude for
the shredder, Santa. Much needed. Nixon."
ON PAMELA ANDERSON'S PICTURE. It reads, "Love the new
hooters, Santa. Thanks, Pam."
SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)
So, whad'ya think of my little workshop?
We realize our POV has been Fred's. He turns toward his
brot.her and takes in the workshop.
ON WORKSHOP
It's absolutely bustling. Elves work feverishly
everywhere.
AT WOODEN TABLES/BUILDING STATIONS where BUILDING ELVES,
with military precision, build toys - screwing,
hammering, and nailing.
AT CONVEYOR BELTS where MUSCLE BOUND ELVES take toys off
of the conveyor belts and pass them along the line of
other elves toward ...
TESTING STATIONS where TESTING ELVES test toys by BANGING
on them. These are like the crash-test dummy elves. An
elf takes a deep breath and hops up onto a POGO STICK.
After a few bounces, the stick falls apart, and the elf
CRASHES to the ground.
IN THE BAKERY WINDOW where Mrs. Claus, covered in flour,
frantically bakes cookies.
Fred, Santa, and Willy stand together, watching it all.
They approach a separate wall of the workshop.
43.
It's an electronic ticker tape, much like you might see
at Nasdaq.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
The Naughty/Nice Department. Key to the
whole process. You'll be running it.
Fred takes in the wall. It's electronic and divided into
two separate lists: THE NICE LIST and THE NAUGHTY LIST.
Each list is divided into two columns - one for the NAME
of a child, the other for a DESCRIPTION. A nice
description reads "Eagle Scout, helps mother with
chores." A naughty one: "Bully, picks on nose-pickers."
Fred turns to the wall bordering the ticker. There are
TEN PICTURES of children, along with descriptions. The
heading of this wall reads, "TEN MOST NAUGHTY."
FRED
You have a Ten Most Naughty list?
SANTA CLAUS
Of course. It's constantly rotating.
Right now, Johnny Rollins in Nova Scotia
. is occupying the number one spot. In the
last month he's bitten his dentist and
his doctor and broken skin both times.
FRED
Do you know why he bit them?
SANTA CLAUS
I assume they put their hands near his
mouth. Sadly we don't have time for much
more analysis than that. Naughty act,
naughty kid. Keep it simple.
Fred shakes his head: there's a real sensitivity here.
SANTA CLAUSE
Well, I've got a meeting. Willy will be
able to explain everything. Oh, and
Fred? See if you can figure out what to
do with this Timmy Beckford kid with the
enormous list. He's what we call an
N&N'er - both naughty and nice. on the
one hand, he eats all his vegetables and
always says please. On the other hand,
there was the unfortunate lizard
torturing incident. Needless to say: it
was pretty dark.
44.
···--·Santa...EX.I.'I'S ....·-E'red..and ....W..ill-Y-Stand ...i-n ... f.ron-t--of._the--wa-1-l---· ·········--··----
W!LLY
Wow. Getting final determination of
which children are naughty and which
children are nice is quite an honor.
FRED
Highlight of my life so far.
(then)
How do you tell who's what?
Willy walks over to a SNOWGLOBE in the center of the
room. It's gigantic and translucent, roughly the size of
a Volkswagon Beetle. All across the globe, children are
seen in action - some behaving, some not.
WILLY
This is how we look in on children all
over the world and determine who's what.
FRED
So basically, you invade their privacy
and based on your own subjective opinion
determine which kids are worthy of
receiving gifts, thus labeling them for
the rest of their li_ves.
WILLY
In a nutshell.
(then)
Here, I'll show you. Name a kid, any
kid.
FRED
I'm not a real kid guy, Willy.
(then, realizing)
Actually, I know this one little guy in
NYC, Slam. Probably a nickname but ---
Just like that
ON SNOW GLOBE
Slam has come up on the screen . His sits in a large
GROUP BEDROOM in his orphanage. . All the kids are writing
LETTERS ... except Slam.
KID #1
What are you asking for?
KID #2
A family.
45.
-----------K-I-D--.#-1---
Me too.
KID #3
I'm asking Santa for a family, too.
SLAM
Santa's not bringing you families.
Let me tell you guys something. Santa
Claus is the most over-rated icon in
history. Alex the Great, Abraham
Lincoln, Nelson Man of Dela. Those are
heroes. But Santa Claus. Completely
over-rated. And a perv, too. I dare you
to name me another public figure who
forces small children to sit on his lap.
Fred GRIMACES. Slam is repeating his earlier words. One
of the kids steps up to Slam.
KID #2
You're just saying that because you know
you're never getting adopted. You know
why? Because you're mean~
Slam's face drops, hurt. But then, he gathers himself
and JUMPS on the kid, starting a FIGHT.
BACK TO FRED
Upset. He steps away from the globe.
WILLY
Not good. Easiest way for a kid to get
on the naughty list - disparage Santa.
It's an absolute no no. I'm embarrassed
to say it, but at my darkest moments I
wish more kids would be naughty. Naughty
kids don't get presents. Our jobs would
be so much easier if --
FRED
Of course the naughty kids don't get
presents. That's perfect, Wiliy. The
nice kids get everything, as always. You
have no idea what that kid's life is
like. He's not a bad kid, he's just been
treated unfairly
... you know what, forget it. I'd like
to just get to work.
WILLY
There's the Christmas Spirit.
46.
----1<'RE'R--------
Thanks, Willy.
WILLY
No, really. There's the Christmas
Spirit.
Fred turns. The Christmas Spirit cheerleaders stand at
the front of the workshop, cheering/caroling.
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
He knows when you've been sleeping, he
knows when you're awake ...
The entire workshop JOINS in. Fred GROANS.
FRED
Doesn't anybody know any other songs?
WILLY
Santa Claus is Coming to Town is
definitely the crowd favorite.
The cafeteria is filled with cheer and joy. Everyone
SINGS happily. Fred is about to vomit. Suddenly, he
realizes something. He marches through the singing crowd
to a TABLE at the far end of the workshop.
The table is lined with presents. Fred TOSSES some
aside. Finally he sees it - the LONG LIST Santa was
looking at earlier, from Timmy Beckford in St. Paul,
Minnesota.
Meanwhile, the room is finishing the song.
ELF
One more time! One more time!
Elves begins HOLDING UP lighters in the air as if at a
rock concert. Just as the room starts again, we hear a
WHISTLE. Everyone stops and turns to the source: Fred.
FRED
So listen. If I'm gonna be stuck here
for a bit, we're gonna have to do
s.omething about this song.
Bob and Linda, the postal workers we met earlier, STAND.
LINDA
What do you have against Santa Claus is
Coming to Town?
BOB
It's so catchy!
47.
It's a fantastic song. Really. But the
thing is: all I've heard since I've been
here is Christmas music.
DJ Donnie leans in.
DJ DONNIE D
You are in·the North Pole, Man.
FRED
So? You think in England they only
listen to the Beatles? You think New
Orleans only has Jazz? We've got to
expand your horizons. We've got to open
your ears to new sounds. We've got to
stop playing that God-forsaken song over
and over again.
Fred bends down and grabs A BOOM BOX. This is the item
he took from the pile.
WILLY
Where'd you get that?
FRED
It's for that kid in St. Paul with the
fifteen page list.
LINDA
You stole a gift?
FRED
The kid's getting a trampol°ine, a remote
control car, a remote control boat, a new
set of soccer cleats, and a Playstation.
He's not gonna miss a fifty dollar piece
of junk radio.
A MUSCULAR ELF stands up.
ELF
Hey, I built that radio.
FRED
And you did a fantastic job. Love that
you're still holding out hope that the
cassette tape is gonna make a comeback.
Don't give up on that.·
(then)
Now I want you to listen to something.
Fred PUSHES play. A RHYTHMIC BEAT starts playing. It's
the hard-edged rap song, "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.
48.
Stunned silent. They don't know what to make of this. A
pair of ELDERLY ELVES cover their ears, horrified.
LINDA
It sounds ... angry.
BOB
I know.
(then)
I like it.
Slowly heads begin BOUNCING. Just slightly at first.
Then more. DJ Donnie D begins BEAT BOXING. Fred smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S RESIDENCE - MEANWHILE
Santa and Mrs. Claus sit nervously on one side of an
elegantly dressed dining table. Santa's brow is sweaty.
Why? Because opposite them sits CLYDE NORTHCUTT, the
efficiency expert.
Clyde is an overly serious-looking man - his ALL-WHITE
SUIT is immaculate. His GLASSES are black and thick.
Even his facial structure is rigid. In front of him sits
his omnipresent BLACK NOTEBOOK. This is where Clyde will
always write his findings down.
MRS. CLAUS
So, Mr. Northcutt ... or would you rather
I called you Clyde?
CLYDE
No.
MRS. CLAUS
Oh. Okay. Well, how was your flight? I
trust you enjoyed the sleigh?
CLYDE
For the life of me I do not understand
why in this day and age you wouldn't just
use a charter plane service. The
reindeer and sled was a noble concept
before air travel had been invented, now
it's simply anachronistic and unreliable.
Clyde writes again in his notebook. Santa is panicking,
eating furiously.
49.
· ·· --··-····--· · - -----......SANTA-LAUS
(to Mrs. Claus)
We're dead. We're dead.
Mrs. Claus places her hand on Santa's arm, calming him.
MRS. CLAUS
Are you enjoying your gingerbread? It's
home-made.
CLYDE
I despise gingerbread.
MRS. CLAUS
Oh. Well, I'm sure we can
Santa is almost gone.
SANTA CLAUS
(whispering)
He hates gingerbread? All we have up
here is gingerbread. What's he going to
eat if we don't have gingerb --
Mrs. Claus STUFFS a piece of gingerbread in Santa's
mouth, stopping him mid-sentence.
MRS. CLAUS
So, how long do you expect to be staying
with us, Mr. Northcutt?
Clyde takes off his glasses.
CLYDE
I'm going to be very honest with you Mr.
and Mrs. Claus. I do not expect this to
take very long. Children are being
marketed to at a much younger age
nowadays: Winnie the Pooh on diapers,
Spongebob Squarepants on pajamas. It is
my belief that in a day and age of
children who are programmed to be
greedier, the North Pole and your elves
are no longer capable of handling the
Christmas operation. The higher-ups are
already constructing a computerized
warehouse on the outskirts of the North
Pole, and upon my recommendation, will
shift Christmas production there,
outsourcing the rest. When this happens,
you may rest assured that Santa will get
a generous severance package as well as
an opportunity to consult on a limited
basis.
so.
· ····--· --'Phe··:l:auses--donLt··· know-how-t"O-respond-;--.Sant-a-·sits·,-"Wide-···· · ·-··
eyed, the piece of gingerbread still stuffed in his
mouth. Finally he removes the bread and responds.
SANTA CLAUS
Mr. Northcutt, I'm confident that when
you see the elves in action you'll see
how valuable they are. They're hard at
work as we speak. Let's go visit them!
Santa is regaining his confidence.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Bring your little notebook, Clyde.
You're going to want to remember what you
see there.
CUT TO:
INT. WORKSHOP - TWO MINUTES LATER
Eminem BLARES on the radio (You better lose yourself/in
the music/the moment/You own it/You better never let it
l
go ...
The elves are huddled in a mob in the middle of the
cafeteria, PUMPING THEIR ARMS to the music in unison.
DJ Donnie Dis SCREAMING along with the song.
The secret service elves are banging against one another,
MOSHING with Fred.
Linda and Bob are GRINDING against each other - the
equivalent of Elf-Dirty-Dancing.
A REINDEER (DANCER) even MOONWALKS across the floor.
ON THE CLAUSES
Watching, stunned. Santa's mouth is hanging wide open.
MRS. CLAUS
Oh Lord.
Clyde is frantically SCRIBBLING in his notebook. It's
Santa's ultimate nightmare. He tries to stop it.
SANTA CLAUS
Ho, ho, ho!
Nothing. No one hears him over the music.
51.
Ho, ho, ho!
Nothing. Santa marches to the boom box and shuts it off.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
HO, HO, HO, DOSH GARNITI ! !
Everything stops. Bob, currently mid-air (his legs
wrapped around the waist of his wife), FALLS to the
ground with a resounding THUD.
SECRET SERVICE ELF
Big Red has entered the mosh pi
cafeteria.
The elves quickly gather into place and begin CHANTING:
ELVES
Here comes Santa Claus/here comes --
SANTA CLAUS
Oh stop it.
Awkward silence. Clyde is scribbling away.
FRED
Relax, Bro, they were just having a
Letting loose.
little fun.
SANTA CLAUS
(covering, too much)
Of course, of course. We're all about
fun here at the North Pole. Fun, fun,
fun!
(a beat, uncomfortable)
Now I want to introduce you all to
someone. This is Mr. Northcutt. He's
visiting on behalf of the higher --
Clyde shakes his
Clyde COUGHS. Santa turns to him.
Santa n.ods, understanding. He covers.
head.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Mr. Northcutt is visiting from the higher
institution of Harvard University. He's
doing his ... uh, his --
MRS. CLAUS
(helping)
Thesis.
52.
________ ----------------------------.-.ANTA-CLAU<>-- - - - - - - - - ~ - - -~---
Yes. He's doing his thesis on the North
Pole and is here to research how·we do
things. He'll be wanting to interview
most of you so please be at his disposal.
MRS. CLAUS
For his thesis.
SANTA CLAUS
Yes. Thank you, Honey.
(a beat, then)
That will be all. Please resume your
work.
Like that, the elves SCATTER. Santa peers over Clyde's
shoulder, trying to read his notebook. Clyde COVERS it
up, as if Santa is a kid trying to cheat on a test.
CLYDE
You were right, Mr. Claus. I will
certainly remember what I saw here.
Before Clyde exits, he stops near Fred.
CLYDE (CONT'D)
Mr. Claus. If you have a moment I'd like
to speak with you. I believe you might
be a valuable source of information for --
Santa quickly pulls Fred away from Clyde.
SANTA CLAUSE
No, no, no. I'm very sorry but I have
urgent business to discuss with Fred.
Urgent, urgent, North Pole business.
Life and death stuff. It involves ...
stocking stuffing.
CLYDE
Oh. Perhaps later, then.
Clyde EXITS. Once he's gone, Santa grabs at his right
arm, in a bit of discomfort.
MRS. CLAUS
Are you okay, Hon'?
SANTA CLAUS
I'm fine.
MRS. CLAUS
You need to get some exercise, Nicholas.
53 .
.. ·-···· ··-·····--- -··-·------SAN'I'A-ChAUS-------------
I know, I know. Hey Fred, could I talk
to you for a minute?
FRED
No can do. Gotta get back to the naughty-
nice department. Those darn kids better
be good for goodness sake, or I'm taking
the little buggers down.
SANTA CLAUS
Hey, you may be my big brother but I'm
still the one wearing the red suit.
Don't make me pull rank.
CUT TO:
INT. RAQUETBALL COURT - THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Santa and Fred stand in the middle of the court. Santa
is wearing a red velour sweat-suit, goggles, and his
Santa hat. Fred is miserable.
SANTA CLAUS
So, Fred? About this afternoon. It's
important that right now the elves stay
extremely focused. I can't get into why,
but it's just very important.
FRED
Won't happen again.
Fred SERVES. The ball goes right past Santa.
SANTA CLAUS
Good shot. Couldn't get to that one.
(a beat, then)
I'd like to tell you why. Do you want to
know why? No, I shouldn't say. Just
know that I'm under a great deal of
stress right now.
FRED
Please. Like you know stress.
Fred SERVES again, harder. Right past Santa, again.
SANTA CLAUS
Another winner.
(then)
What do you mean by that? "Like you know
stress?" What does that mean? Are you
under a lot of stress?
54.
- - - - - - - F R E - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - · · · · · · · ····· ···-·-- ···
Just forget it.
SANTA CLAUS
I'm your brother, Fred. You can talk to
me. Does this have anything to do with
you being in jail --
Fred SERVES even harder. Again, right past Santa.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Okay, that's enough for today. Don't
want to overdo it right away.
FRED
Listen, Nick. You forced me to come up
here. I came. I did what you asked, so
you win. As always. Now let it be.
SANTA CLAUS
I'm not trying to win. I just want this
to be a nice Christmas for you.
FRED
A nice Christmas? I've spent the last
seventeen hundred years hating Christmas
and avoiding coming here. No offense,
but the last place I want to be for
Christmas is here, with my family.
Santa pauses, almost looking past Fred.
SANTA CLAUS
In that case, you probably shouldn't turn
around.
Fred turns around, looking back ...
OUTSIDE THE GLASS.
Where Mother and Father Claus stand, WAVING. Fred's look
says it all: "you've got to be kidding me."
CUT TO:
EXT. THE RED NOSED DINER - THAT NIGHT
A sign on the door reads, "Closed for Santa."
INT. THE RED NOSED DINER - CONTINUOUS
The Claus family (Fred, Santa, Mrs. Claus, Mother Claus,
and Father Claus) sit at a booth.
55.
Fred is squeezed in on one side next to his brother.
···-·Fred···a·nd·-Santa--speak-in-HBA'I'-Eil-Wffi-SPERSi·.- - - - - - - · · · - - - · · · · · · ---·
FRED
I can't believe you invited them.
SANTA CLAUS
I didn't. I accident·ally mentioned you
were coming, that's all.
FRED
Do you talk to her everyday? You're such
a Mama I s boy.
SANTA CLAUS
Am not.
FRED
Are to.
MOTHER CLAUS
(interrupting)
So, Fred? How have.you been?
FRED
Fine.
MOTHER CLAUS
That 1 s nice.
(to Father Claus)
Isn 1 t that nice, Hon'?
Father Claus, still a man of few words, just NODS.
SANTA CLAUS
Fred is doing a very nice job down in the
Naughty-Nice workshop. The elves tell me
he's one of the hardest workers they've
ever seen.
MOTHER CLAUS
That's good, that's good. I would think
he's probably a very hard worker,
considering ...
She lets that hang there. Fred looks up. It's not hard
for him to be baited by this woman.
FRED
Considering what?
MOTHER CLAUS
Nothing.
Fred shakes his head. He .looks to his father who just
stares back down at his food.
56.
_ _ _ ----·····-- ·-----~- ---····---J'RE.u--------- - - - - - - - ··-···-··---·-··-·-··-·-· -·--··-----·
Do you have something to say, Mother?
MOTHER CLAUS
Don't be difficult, Frederick. I just
think it's odd that you couldn't find it
in you to come to celebrate your parents'
anniversary. Your.brother threw such a
party.
SANTA CLAUS
He sent a lovely gift," though. That
massage chair looked very expensive.
MOTHER CLAUS
That massage chair was very expensive.
And it came from you, Nicholas. You
don't think I know my own son's
handwriting? You don't think I've
discovered that every year you get a
separate gift for us and forge your
brother's name on the card?
Fred looks at Santa. He didn't know that. Santa looks
down, embarrassed.
MOTHER CLAUS (CONT'D)
Don't be ashamed, Nicholas. It's a
lovely thing you do for us. A saintly
thing. My little Saint Nicholas.
FRED
(under his breath)
Here we go.
MOTHER CLAUS
I'm sorry, Fred. What was that?
FRED
Nothing.
Mother Claus TSSKS and turns toward Santa. He looks
saddened by the line of questioning.
MOTHER CLAUS
Sweetie, you've barely touched your food.
Santa's plate is almost entirely empty. Mother Claus
begins scooping some of her meal onto Santa's plate.
MRS. CLAUS (SANTA'S WIFE)
I wish you wouldn't do that, Elaine.
MOTHER CLAUS
Do what, Dear?
57.
· ··-··---------------i,uRHSlc.c-CbAUS-··-------- - - - - -
Force- feed him. Nicholas needs to lose
weight.
MOTHER CLAUS
Nonsense.
MRS. CLAUS
Have you not noticed how much weight he's
gained since last time you saw him?
MOTHER CLAUS
He's perfect. He's got a lovely
physique.
SANTA CLAUS
I probably could stand to lose a few
pounds, Mom.
MOTHER CLAUS
Don't be silly. Eat, eat.
Mother Claus redirects her attention towards Fred.
MOTHER CLAUS (CONT'D)
So, Fred? I take it you've lost another
job?
FRED
That's right, Mother. Can't hold one
down.
MOTHER CLAUS
And that girlfriend of yours. The meter
maid? I can't help but notice she isn't
here.
FRED
Good eye, Mother. She broke up with me.
Anything else?
Mother Claus SIGHS.
MOTHER CLAUS
I just wish you could be a little more
like your brother, that's all.
This does it.
FRED
Okay, I'm out of here.
58.
·· · ··· ···-··Frecr'.l'HROWS·uown-hi:s-£0rk,md-goes-·f·or-t-he-dramat±c--exit·c·-····-·····
Unfortunately, he's stuck against the wall and Santa
blocks his way out of the booth. GRUNTING·, he SQUEEZES
by his portly brother and marches out of the diner.
EXT. THE RED NOSED DINER - CONTINUOUS
Fred STORMS out of the diner. He hits the ice and SLIPS
on his butt. A HAND comes out of nowhere and helps him
up. The hand belongs to Clyde Northcutt.
FRED
Thanks.
Once upright, Fred moves past Clyde. Clyde catches up.
CLYDE
Santa Claus' brother. Now that's a tough
beat. My brother is a doctor and I don't
hear the end of it. I imagine it must
often feel as if you don't even exist.
This stops Fred in his tracks. Stopping his momentum
once more causes him to SLIP. Again, Clyde helps him up.
CLYDE (CONT'D)
I just don't know how you stay so "Santa-
positive." He treats you so badly.
FRED
No, he actually means well. I mean, here
I was having financial problems and he
flew me all the way up to help me.
CLYDE
Please. He flew you here during his busy
season to remind you how well he's doing.
He couldn't have flown you up during
summer, when it's forty below zero in the
middle of July and everyone's bored? He
wanted you ·to see him in action.
FRED
Like I said, there were financial issues.
And he's paying me generously for my
work.
CLYDE
What, a few grand? Do you even realize
what an enterprise Christmas is? If he
really wanted to help you, he could have
cut you in on the family business years
ago. I mean, you are a Claus aren't you?
59.
- - - - · -·-··-
Yeah, but he doesn't care about material
things --
CLYDE
He cares about his vacation home in the
South Pole. He cares about the private
home theatre he and the wife are
building. He could do a lot more for you
than make you come work for him. You
can't tell me the thought hasn't crossed
your mind.
FRED
Of course it's crossed my mind. It's not
like I've ever gotten a break in life.
He gets them all. It certainly feels
like I'm overdue.
CLYDE
You're a better man than I, Fred. You
ask me: you're the saint in the family.
You're the brother who deserves all the
accolades and all the fame. Heck, maybe
even all the money.
As Clyde sees Fred's wheels turning, he turns away. Once
Fred can no longer see his face, we see Clyde's
expression change. His somber face breaks into an ever
so slight, ever s9 sinister, SMILE.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - MINUTES LATER
Fred stands in front of the snowglobe, looking at it.
ON SNOWGLOBE
A BOY sits at the dinner table with his PARENTS.
BOY
Mother? Father? I've eaten all my
broccoli as you asked. May I clear the
table before heading upstairs to do my
homework?
MOTHER
You inay, Daniel.
ON FRED
60.
---WhG-ShakBs--h-is-hea CUT TO:
INT. NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENT - EVENING (FRED'S FANTASY)
Fred stands in front of the wall. He looks over his
shoulder, sees that the coast is clear, and begins
changing all of the "Nice" kids to "Naughty."
CUT TO:
INT. REINDEER BARN - LATER
Fred secretly dumps ARMLOADS OF PRESENTS (once belonging
to nice kids") into the vacant reindeer barn.
11
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - LATER
Where Fred HANDS OVER one of Daniel's toys to a STRANGER.
The man hands Fred CASH in return. Fred smiles.
INT. FRED'S APARTMENT - LATER
Where Fred hands Quince a suitcase filled with cash.
They hug.
CUT TO:
EXT. EXOTIC ISLAND - WEEKS LATER
A sign reads, "Santaless-Ville." Fred and Wanda lay on a
private beach in gigantic lounge chairs, sipping drinks
with LARGE UMBRELLAS in them.
BACK TO:
61.
INT. NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENT - PRESENT
Fred SNAPS out of his fantasy. Screw it. He hits a
button on the screen, switching Daniel Tellem to the
"Naughty" list. Fred SIGHS. He clearly feels guilty.
INT. WILLY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS.
Fred marches into the bedroom and FLIPS on the light.
FRED
Willy, wake up.
Willy JOLTS out of bed. He's got bad bed-head.
WILLY
Wha? Huh? What's wrong?
FRED
I need a drink.
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Fred is drunk and slightly slurring. EMPTY GLASSES rest
on the bar in front of he and Willy.
FRED
I deserve a break, Willy. I mean,
everything is always about Nicholas. You
know, it is true: from the second he was
born, it's like I ceased to exist.
Fred BANGS his glass on the bar.
FRED (CONT'D)
Frosty! Another eggnog!
Frosty approaches.
FROSTY
I think you might have had enough, Son.
FRED
I'll tell you when I've had enough,
Frosty!
(then, to Willy)
Ah, enough about my problems. What's
your story, Willy? I notice you sleep
alone in bunk beds. No girlfriend?
62.
I'm married to my work. Besides, I've
never been real good with the ladies.
FRED
You kidding me? Willy, you're a stud.
You could probably get any girl in this
whole place.
WILLY
Not the one I want.
Willy CHUGS the rest of his eggnog.
FRED
Who's the girl?
WILLY
(softly)
Charlene.
FRED
No kidding? Santa's little helper?
WILLY
Yep. I love her. I love her brain.
She's got a sexy brain.
Willy BURPS.
FRED
So, what's the problem?
WILLY
Well, aside from the fact that she
doesn't know I exist, there's this little
kicker: the.woman has almost two feet on
me. I just had to go and fall in love
with the one non-elf in the w.hole
village.
FRED
So, she's tall. So what?. Make the first
move. You've got to put it out there,
Willy. Ask her to dinner or to dance or
something.
WILLY
I can't dance.
They sit in silence for a long moment. Fred takes a long
pull on his egg nag.
63.
----------------'>R.i:..t.'------------ -----------------------
Yet. You can't dance, yet.
CUT TO:
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - MOMENTS LATER
Frosty the Snowman stands behind the bar, WATCHING
something.
FROSTY
This is a new one.
ON DANCE FLOOR
Where Willy has his arms wrapped around Fred's waist.
They're swaying gently to the song, Lady in Red.
FRED
Now you've got short arms_ That's a good
thing. You have no choice but to get
close. Pull me in. Give me goosebumps.
Willy pulls Fred close.
FRED (CONT'D)
Now, look me in the eye.
WILLY
I'm four foot three, Fred.
FRED
Compensate.
Willy looks up.
FRED (CONT'D)
Good, good. l got goosebumps. Now
here's the key. You want to transition
into seduction. A lot of guys come on
too strong, too quick. So let's showcase
what you've got. Can you sing?.
WILLY
I used to be lead caroler.
FRED
Good. Observe.
Fred goes into performance mode, singing along. He's way
over the top, having fun with it. Willy LAUGHS.
64.
----------------"'-REfr-{-C0N':l'--'-&'--------
I've never seen so many men ask you if
you wanted to dance/looking for a· little
romance/given ha---aaaalf a chance ...
and then, once you've got her hooked, you
swing her, you dip her, and you kiss her.
Fred SWINGS Willy, DIPS him, and stops. His face is just
inches from Willy.
ON FROSTY
Who removes his COAL EYES from his face, unable to watch.
BACK TO FRED AND WILLY
Inches from each other.
FRED (CONT'D)
We'll skip the kiss for now.
WILLY
Good call.
Fred lets Willy up.
FRED
Now we just have to get her down here.
Willy, call everyone you know. We're
throwing a Christmas_party.
CUT TO:
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - MINUTES LATER
The entire bar is full of elves, drinking eggnog and
chatting. Fred sits at the bar watching Willy.
ON WILLY
He stands off to the side of the bar, gazing adoringly at
Charlene. Charlene is chatting with a circle of elves.
Willy takes a DEEP BREATH. This is it! He MARCHES
toward her . . . and RIGHT PAST her. He continues in a
straight line toward the bar and sits down next to Fred.
Fred just stares at him.
WILLY
(embarrassed)
Wasn't feeling it.
Fred shakes his head. Clyde approaches and sits next to
them at the bar. He holds his ominous notebook.
65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e - - R E . , __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
Hey. I owe you one for letting me vent
earlier. I don't really talk about that
stuff too often. Buy you an egg nag?
CLYDE
No thanks.
FRED
Don't drink?
CLYDE
Lactose intolerant. But I could use your
help gathering up the elves. I was hoping
to interview everyone here tonight.
FRED
No problem.
Willy STANDS, his attention still focused on Charlene.
WILLY
Alright. Here we go. I'm doing it!
Willy MARCHES toward Charlene. She's still dancing.
WILLY (CONT'D)
Uh, Charlene?
CHARLENE
(searching)
Oh, hi --
WILLY
Willy.
CHARLENE
Willy. I'm so sorry.
WILLY
Oh, don't be. So I was wondering if
actually, I was hoping you might want --
the thing is, would you like to ... be
interviewed by the guy doing his thesis?
CHARLENE
Sure.
WILLY
( too quickly)
Awesome.
Willy smiles weakly, turns, and walks back to the bar.
He sits next to Fred and begins chugging his eggnog.
Without looking up, Willy knows Fred's staring at him.
66 .
. -··-------1ilLLY-1.CO=D} ..
She's taller than you. I freaked.
CUT TO:
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - OVER THE NEXT THREE HOURS
Where Clyde (off-camera) conducts SIXTY MINUTE-ESQUE
INTERVIEWS with the elves. Linda and Bob are first.
CLYDE (O.S.)
Wouldn't your job be easier if you could
answer children's letters via email?
BOB
Santa believes it's important for
children to hand-write their own letters.
In this computerized age, it's way too
rare for a child to actually sit down and
write something by hand.
CLYDE (0.8.)
So basically, Santa isn't moving ahead
with the times?
LINDA
No, no, no. That's not what he said.
CLYDE (0.8.)
It's not?
Linda and Bob look confused.
JUMP CUT TO:
THE ELDERLY ELVES INTERVIEW
CLYDE (0.8.)
I understand you two have become too old
to really work anymore.
ELDERLY MALE
(deaf)
Wha!?
CLYDE
But you're still on Santa's payroll?
ELDERLY FEMALE
Whal?
CUT TO:
67.
CHARLENE'S INTERVIEW
CLYDE (O.S)
So you're Santa's Little Helper? What
do those duties entail?
CHARLENE
Basically, I run his life. I keep track
of his entire schedule.
CLYDE {O.S.)
So Santa forgets things a lot?
CHARLENE
Oh, yeah. He's such a scatter-brain.
That's what I'm here for.
CLYDE (O.S.)
I see. So in your opinion, it's quite
possible that Santa Claus is suffering
from early on-set Alzheimers?
CUT TO:
SECRET SERVICE ELF INTERVIEW
They sit in a rigid line.
CLYDE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
So how many of you work Santa's detail?
SECRET SERVICE ELF
Four, Sir.
CLYDE (O.S.)
Have there been many attempts on Santa's
life?
SECRET SERVICE ELF
No.
CLYDE (O.S.)
Yet there are four of you .. Let me ask
you something: is Santa paranoid?
CUT BACK TO:
LINDA AND BOB'S INTERVIEW
Still going. They're sweating now.
68.
------+'···LYDE··-(0 .··!r.+-----------·-········-··-·-· · ······· ·······--
So basically, Santa is a paranoid
delusional who may, or may not, ·be
suffering from early onset Alzheimer's.
He makes his hirings based on family
relations, fires nobody, and refuses even
the most basic of technological advances
in his workplace.
Linda and Bob stare into the camera, uncomfortable.
LINDA
We really just wanted to dance.
We REVEAL Clyde for the first time since the interviews
began. He closes his notebook. He looks around the bar.
In the corner, elves are FUNNELING Fred eggnog and
CHANTING. Clyde smiles, sinisterly. He's getting
everything he wants and more.
INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
Santa's ALARM goes off. He shuts it off before it wakes
Mrs. Claus. He kisses the back of her head and gets up.
INT. SANTA'S BUILT-IN CLOSET - CONTINUOUS
Santa stares at his line of red Santa suits.
SANTA CLAUS
(to himself)
What to wear, what to wear?
{then, convincing himself)
I haven't gained that much weight. I'll
prove it.
Santa begins trying on suits from different eras.
They're all too tight: A SANTA ZOOT SUIT, A SANTA BELL-
BOTTOM SUIT, A SANTA TIE-DYE HIPPIE SUIT. Nothing fits.
Santa has gotten fatter. He SIGHS.
INT. SANTA'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
As Santa brushes his teeth, he looks at himself in the
mirror. He looks at his white hair.
Santa peeks out door of the bathroom. Mrs. Claus is
still sound asleep. Santa reaches under the sink and
pulls out a secret stash. It's not cookies this time.
It's a bottle of HAIR DYE. Santa smiles.
CUT TO:
69.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - MINUTES LATER
Santa (wearing a way-too-tight SANTA DISCO SUIT) enters
the workshop with a hearty ...
SANTA CLAUS
Ho, ho, ho!
Only to find
SANTA'S POV
The elf party after-math. Elves are sprawled all over.
An elf lies on his back, a glass resting on his chest.
A female elf has a mustache and drawn on her face.
Fred and Willy sleep on the conveyor belt, cuddling,
going round and round. Fred is wearing an elf hat.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
What is going on here!?
Everyone STIRS, waking up. Hungover. GROANS.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I don't believe this.
Fred, groggy, stands up. He's still going round and
round on the conveyor belt.
FRED
We had a little party last night, Bro.
Things got a little wild and --
Fred's voice FADES out as he disappears from sight on the
conveyor belt. It FADES BACK IN as he reappears.
FRED (CONT'D)
-- one eggnog and then another and
before I knew it, it was raining e.lves.
Santa shakes his head. He turns around. Behind him
stands Clyde, scribbling away in his notebook.
SANTA CLAUS
I shouldn't have to remind you all that
our biggest day, December 23rd, is just
days away. All toys need to be
completed, wrapped, and packed in the
sleigh. This is the time of year when we
need to be absolutely focused and
70.
···-----As-Santa-·lectu,r-es,--he-absenemi-ndedly-remeves-h-i£--Santca-----·
hat, to scratch his head. Doing so, reveals his new head
of JET BLACK HAIR.
In unison, the elves SCREAM. Santa quickly puts the hat
back on.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Back to work!
The elves SCRAMBLE away. Santa approaches Clyde.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I'm going prematurely white.
CLYDE
M-hmm.
SANTA CLAUS
I was just trying something out. It's
not permanent.
Nothing from Clyde.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I'm gonna go wash it out.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - OVER THE NEXT THREE DAYS
We watch as Fred and the elves scramble to get everything
built in time for Christmas. Action is covered by the
song, Twelve Days of Christmas.
ON BUILDING ELVES
Frenetically building toys and sending them down the
assembly line.
ON TESTING ELVES
Testing the toys. An elf gently places a doll on the
table, setting it just right. He pulls out a HAMMER and
WACKS the doll over the head. When it doesn't fall
apart, he gives the builders a THUMBS UP.
ON NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENT
Santa looks over Fred's shoulder. As soon as Santa
leaves, Fred looks at some DESCRIPTIONS on the Nice·List:
· "Lisa Alper, star student, helps less gifted. with
Fred changes her to "naughty."
homework."
71.
~---~~"MichaeLNeaver,__v.is; ts sick grandmo.t:.heL-eY..exy.....day-and--~--·- _ -··--- .... ·-·--·--
She's not even his grandmother." Fred
reads to her.
changes him to "naughty."
- "Nicky Ernst, does chores for irresponsible brother.
This one really strikes a nerve.
Doesn't tell parents."
Fred angrily changes him to "naughty" as well.
IN THE CLOSET
Where Fred stuffs away more toys. The closet is
overflowing with toys of once "nice" children.
ON CLYDE
Watching everything, always writing in the notebook. We
are left to wonder: is Clyde seeing what Fred's doing?
ON SANTA
Watching Clyde. We are left to wonder: is Santa seeing
what Clyde is seeing?
BACK TO FRED
Standing at the snowglobe. He looks over his shoulder,
leans in toward the snowglobe, and whispers ...
FRED
Wanda Blinkowski.
ON SNOWGLOBE
Which shows Wanda, in her meter-maid garb, writing a
ticket. A GOOD-LOOKING MAN comes running out toward her.
MAN
I was
Ah, c'mon. cut me a break here.
just inside for a minute, buying a gift
for my nephew. I got him a fire truck.
He wants to be a fireman.
WANDA
Well, too bad he wasn't with you when you
parked in front of this fire hydrant.
Wanda continues writing the ticket.
ON FRED
Who smiles, loving this.
BACK TO SCENE
Where the man also smiles at Wanda.
72.
--~'-I-------
Fine. We'll compromise. You can give me
the ticket. But if you do, you have to
let me take you out to dinner.
ON FRED
Not smiling anymore.
BACK TO SCENE
Wanda is caught off-guard.
WANDA
Oh, no, I, uh, I can't.
MAN
You have a boyfriend? Husband?
WANDA
(a beat, sad)
No.
MAN
You eat?
WANDA
Yes, but, I'm not a dater. The whole
concept of ritualistic dating is just an
concept created by restaurateurs who --
ON FRED
Who mouths along with her.
FRED
-- need to make sure that their
establishments are kept full on Friday
an.ct Saturday nights.
BACK TO SNOWGLOBE
MAN.
Okay. Then we'll have to make it lunch
on Thursday. Deal?
Wanda hesitates. Finally, she smiles.
WANDA
Okay.
ON FRED
Stunned.
73.
Okay!?
Fred SLAMS his hand on the globe and it shuts off.
Suddenly, a loud ALARM sounds. Fred turns. Elves are
gathering around the "Ten Most Naughty" boa.rd. Fred
approaches and PUSHES through the mob. He finds Willy.
FRED (CONT'D)
What's going on?
WILLY
Big day. A new kid has taken over the
number one most naughty spot.
ON BOARD
A picture of Slam fills the number one slot. Fred reads
the description: "Mean to all children, constantl.y
disparaging Santa, puts himse.lf before all others, won't
eat green vegetables. Naughty, naughty, n.aughty."
BACK TO FRED
Who turns away, unable to look. He's about to say
something when
Santa's Secret Service Elves ATTACK Fred from out of
nowhere, flying in from all sides. Within moments,
Fred's face has been WRAPPED and TAPED in wrapping paper,
his arms DUCT-TAPED behind his back. Fred's SCREAMS are
muffled by the wrapping paper.
SECRET SERVICE ELF
(into headset)
Big Red's Big Bro is secure. I repeat,
Big Red's Big Bro is secure.
The Secret Service Elves remove a screaming Fred from the
room. After a long beat, the other elves go back to work
as i f nothing has happened:
CUT TO:
INT. UNDISCLOSED ROOM - MINUTES LATER
The four secret service elves place a screaming (still
muffled) Fred on a CHAIR. Once he's seated, they remove
his duct-tape handcuffs; Fred immediately reaches for
the wrapping paper covering .his face and TEARS it off.
FRED
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!
74.
FRED'S POV
His entire family sits in a line of chairs, directly in
front of him. With them sits a BESPECTACLED MAN and an
even more shocking new visitor - Wanda.
FRED (CONT'D)
(shocked)
Wanda?
WANDA
(dazed)
Well, it's definitely more north than
Canada.
Fred turns to his family, searching for an explanation.
MOTHER CLAUS
We're having a family intervention,
Frederick. After the display you put on
yesterday at dinner, we felt we had no
choice. Isn't that right, Father?
Father Claus SHRUGS.
FRED
You had me attacked and smothered!
MOTHER CLAUS
Oh, stop being difficult, Frederick. We
put holes in the wrapping paper so you
could breathe. Now your brother has
flown in someone we think can help you.
FRED
Oh, is that right, ·Brother?
Santa Claus looks down, embarrassed.
SANTA CLAUS
She made me.
FRED
And you do whatever Mommy wants you to do
don't you?
SANTA CLAUS
Do not.
FRED
Do so.
75.
--------MRS~LAU1s.------------------
Stop it you two.
Mother Claus turns toward the BESPECTACLED MAN.
MOTHER CLAUS
Fred, this is Dr. Goldfarb. He's a pre-
eminent therapist in New York City and
he's here to help you with your problems.
FRED
I don't have problems. Wanda, can you
please tell them I don't have problems?
WANDA
(still dazed)
I'm a little busy absorbing all of this,
Fred. Twenty minutes ago Rudolph the Red-
nosed Reindeer was peeing on my foot.
SANTA CLAUS
I'm still not sure this is a good idea,
Mother. We usually don't allow outsiders
in the North Pole.
DR. GOLDFARB
Mr. Claus --
SANTA CLAUS
(correcting him)
Santa's fine.
DR GOLDFARB
Oh. Right.
(then, awkward)
Santa. I'm bound by doctor-patient
privilege to reveal nothing about this
session. I'm pretty sure no one would
believe me anyway.
SANTA CLAUS
(searching memory)
Goldfarb, Goldfarb. It's funny, I don't
remember ever delivering to you.
DR GOLDFARB
I'm Jewish, Sir.
SANTA CLAUS
Ah. Of course. I'm good friends with
Hanukkah Harry. Quite a chess player.
Please pass him my regards if you see
him.
76.
Uh, okay.
MOTHER CLAUS
Mr. Goldfarb, as we spoke about on the
phone, my son Frederick is quite unhappy.
He's got no career to speak of, a string
of failed relationships, and I suspect he
blames us in some way. I'd like you to
fix him as quickly as possible.
DR. GOLDFARB
Is this true, Fred?
FRED
This is ridiculous. She's been riding me
my entire life.
(re: Father Claus)
And he never says anything.
DR. GOLDFARB
(to Father Claus)
Is that true?
Father Claus opens his mouth to answer but --
MOTHER CLAUS
He's a man of few words. My son's
unhappiness isn't his fault and it isn't
mine.
FRED
Of course ·not. Everything is my fault.
MRS. CLAUS
I have to say, it does seem we often
focus on Fred's problems and ignore those
of my husband.
MOTHER CLAUS
Oh, don't be silly. Nicholas has no
problems. He's perfect.
Mrs. Claus SIGHS and turns toward Dr. Goldfarb.
MRS. CLAUS
Dr. Goldfarb, my husband is bordering on
obese. I worry about his health, and the
fact that his mother is constantly
telling him he's perfect --
MOTHER CLAUS
He's shapely.
77.
---···---·-···-······----·-- MRS ....-CLAUS----···-·· ..·. -···· · ·· · - - - -
(undeterred)
That kind of thinking prevents him from
ever taking action.
SANTA CLAUS
I have been feeling sluggish lately. And
I can't fit into any of my old suits
anymore.
(then, shyly)
I've been looking irito gastric bypass.
MOTHER CLAUS
What!?
SANTA CLAUS
It's becoming a rather standard
procedure, Mother. They put a staple in
your stomach and --
MOTHER CLAUS
This is nonsense! Your weight is part of
you. You were a large baby and you've
grown into a large man. Now our focus
here should be Fred's problems.
FRED
See how quickly she gets it back to me,
Dr. Goldfarb?
Everyone turns to Dr. Goldfarb. He's clearly overwhelmed
by all of it. He TAKES A BREATH and gathers himself.
DR. GOLDFARB
We'll address Santa's weight, but this
I want to
intervention is for Fred.
start by - -
Wanda has come out of her daze. She looks up.
WANDA
I have a question.
SANTA CLAUS
Rudolph's pee will come out in the wash.
It's just like regular pee.
Everyone turns toward Santa briefly, then returns their
attention to Wanda.
WANDA
(to Fred)
Why didn't you tell me?
78.
- - - - - ~ F R E : f } - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --- ······-··
That I'm Santa Claus's brother? Would
you have believed me?
WANDA
(genuine)
If you told me? If you took me here?
Yes, Fred. I would have believed you.
DR. GOLDFARB
I believe her, Fred. I believe that she
would have believed you. Do you?
FRED
(softly)
Yes.
DR. GOLDFARB
So why didn't you tell her?
FRED
I don't know.
DR. GOLDFARB
Fred.
FRED
don't know!
I
DR. GOLDFARB
Fred.
FRED
BECAUSE SHE'D NEVER LIKE ME AS MUCH AS
SHE LIKES HIM! NOBODY DOES!
Silence. Fred has gotten to the core of everything.
WANDA
How could you think that, Fred? Don't
you know how much I loved you?
Fred takes this in. He seems on the verge of letting go
of his anger, his resentment. But then, he hardens
FRED
Don't you have a date to get to Wanda?
The guy with the fourteen year old nephew
and the nice hair?
WANDA
Fred, don't do this
79.
·-- -···- -··--·----·-··-- ----·· - - - - - F R E D - - - - - - · - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You really must have loved me, Wanda.
Took you a whole week to get a new
boyfriend. Or are you so desperate that
you'll just go out with anyone who asks?
Wanda's face drops.
WANDA
This was a mistake. I'd like to go home,
now.
SANTA CLAUS
Wanda, hold on. I'm sure if you --
WANDA
I'd like to go home now.
Wanda EXITS. Everyone is left in awkward silence.
DR. GOLDFARB
Well, I think we've made some real
progress here. With time I believe
Santa interrupts, almost talking to himself and to Fred.
SANTA CLAUS
I never realized it before. You hate me.
FRED
(exhausted)
I just want to be eight years old again .
. want to talk to my bluebird in my tree
I
you chopped down and never come down. I
don't hate you, Bro. I just wish you
were never born.
Without another word, Fred EXITS.
CUT TO:
EXT. REINDEER BARN - THAT NIGHT
The wrenching song, Blue Christmas covers the action:
(I'll have a blue Christmas that's certain/ and when that
blue heartache starts hurtin'/You'll be doin' alright,
with your Christmas of white/ but I' 11 have a blue, blue
Christmas. )
In the distance, a line of HEADLIGHTS approach the North
Pole. As the headlights shine closer they LIGHT UP a
SHADOWY FIGURE. It.'s Fred. He's·waiting outside the
barn. He looks downcast, miserable.
80.
_ _ _......wThe-vebic1eS-corne to a ..s.to~~r:ealJ.ze~what-they-are.---------------
REPO TRUCKS! Men exit the truck - it's Otto and a few
others, Fred's fellow Repo Men. As Blue Christmas wails
on, Fred greets the men and leads them inside.
MOMENTS LATER, the men exit, each carrying armloads of
toys. The toys are loaded onto the trucks.
OVER THE NEXT FEW HOURS we watch (with Fred) as the Repo
Men do their thing: taking possession of toys once
destined for the "nice" children of the world.
FRED
Remember, tell Quince that after he gets
what I owe him, I get half of everything
else he sells. And keep the trucks quiet
until you pull away. You know how to get
out of here?
OTTO
Turn around, left at the Red Nosed Diner,
right at the Candy Cane Tower, then South
until we hit the real world.
FRED
That's it.
Otto takes one last look around.
OTTO
Man, the wife is gonna freak when I tell
her about this. I always thought re-
po'ing Milli Vanilli was gonna be the
highlight of my career.
FRED
(half-hearted)
Yeah.
They SHAKE. The vans PULL AWAY. Fred is left there
alone. We've seen him low before, but never this low.
You'll be doin' alright, with your Christmas of white/
but I'll have a blue, blue Christmas.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - NEXT MORNING
Everyone in the workshop is going at full tilt. Our POV
is Fred's, as he sadly watches everyone work.
ON BUILDER ELVES
Who have finished building toys, and are now transferring
them to WRAPPING STATIONS.
81.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ J:._DQNl,UE D /0~.0---1-----------.- - - - · · ·····--·- ·······-···---
Ladies and Gentlemen, Elves and Elves,
it's D-Day here in the North Pole.
That's right, the eve of Christmas Eve,
the night before the night before·
Christmas: December 23rd. Reminder from
Santa: all toys must be completed,
wrapped, and piled in the Toy Room in
order for the sleigh to be packed
tomorrow. And now a song that's really
shooting up the charts - it's Silent
Night here on NPlOO.
ON WRAPPER ELVES
Wrapping the toys feverishly. One elf suffers a paper
cut and SCREAMS. He's quickly pulled off the line and
attended to by a medic.
ON TOY ROOM
Where wrapped toys slowly begin piling up, ready to go.
ON MRS. CLAUS
In the bakery, rushing. Running out of time, she pulls
out a box of ENTENMENN'S COOKIES. She debates putting
them on a round plate, passing them off as home-made.
INT. TOY ROOM - CONTINUOUS
We PAN a mountainous pile of WRAPPED GIFTS.
We PULL BACK from the toy pile. Santa and Willy walk
around the pile.
SANTA CLAUS
So what do you think, Willy? Are we
going to get done in time?
FRED {0.S.)
We are done.
Fred stands toward the side. Santa and Fred look at each
other. After last night, things are clearly awkward.
SANTA CLAUS
That can't be. We're never done a whole
day early.
WILLY
The credit belong so Fred. He ran a very
tight shop this year.
82 .
. -----··--·--------------~CHRJ-S'I'MAS-SP-1-RI'r---------------
We love Freddie, yes we do! We love
Freddie, how about you?!
The whole workshop CHEERS. Fred's expression says it
all: never has a man felt guiltier. Santa realizes
something.
SANTA CLAUS
Wow. A whole day early!?
(realizing)
Wait till I tell Clyde! There's no way
he'll be able to shut us
(catching himself)
-- shut us up, cause we'll be bragging so
much about our productivity! For his
thesis.
Willy and Fred look at Santa strangely.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Willy, might I have a moment with my
brother?
Willy nods and EXITS. The two brothers are left alone in
silence, neither knowing how to begin. Finally ...
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
You did well here, Fred. It was really
important that production run smoothly,
especially this year. You made it
happen.
FRED
(feeling guilty)
You don't have to thank me.
SANTA CLAUS
So ... yesterday was intense.
FRED
Definitely ·intense.
Awkward silence. Neither brother knows how to apologize.
Santa glances up at the TOP TEN MOST NAUGHTY BOARD. Slam
still sits at number one. Santa tries to lighten things.
SANTA CLAUS
Look at that. A new most naughty. I
tell you, Fred, I've never understood
them. I guess they're born cruel or
wired wrong or something. Such a shame.
Is it really that difficult to be nice?
Without realizing it, Santa has hit a nerve.
83.
-----···- REu-------------------------
Unbelievable. You just don't get it, do
you?
SANTA CLAUS
Get what?
FRED
He's not wired wrong - he's been treated
wrong. I was that kid!
SANTA CLAUS
I don't understand what you're
FRED
You know, for a Saint you're pretty damn
insensitive. You're self-righteous, and
holier than thou, and you know what? YOU
HAVE GAINED WEIGHT SINCE I SAW YOU LAST!
Fred storms away, stopping only for one last yell
FRED (CONT'D)
AND FOR THE RECORD: YOU SHOULD WEAR
BLACK, NOT RED! BLACK IS SLIMMING!
With that, Fred storms out.
CUT TO:
EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
Fred STORMS away from the building, MUMBLING angrily.
FRED
I guess they're born wrong, I guess
they 1 re wired wrong, think's he's sooo
BAM! Something SMASHES into Fred's back. He turns and
sees Santa. Santa stands there, red-faced and furious.
SANTA CLAUS
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT MY
FEELINGS?! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN BATTLING A WEIGHT PROB --
BAM! Snow, all over Santa's face. Fred has fired back.
FRED
YOU'RE COMPARING YOUR WEIGHT TO MY
PROBLEMS! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN
PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE TO YOU AND YOUR --
84 .
.. _____ ·--BAM-1.--BAM-! ---Back-to-baek---snowba-1-1-s-:- one-t-o-the--face-;--one--·------
t o the crotch. Fred GOES DOWN.
SANTA CLAUS
JUST BECAUSE I'M A SAINT DOESN'T MEAN I
HAVE TO TAKE YOUR ABUSE! I'M SICK OF IT!
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILI
Santa freezes mid-scream, seeing ...
SANTA'S POV
Four snowballs head directly toward him in SLO-MO. He
prepares to absorb the blow as, out of nowhere ...
Santa's Secret Service Elves DIVE into frame from all
sides - taking the four "bullets" for their "president.·
SECRET SERVICE ELF
( into intercom)
I have four elves down. I repeat, four
elves have been hit. We are forming a
shield. I repeat, we are forming a
shield.
The elves quickly get up and form a HUMAN SHIELD around
Santa. Santa PUSHES them away.
SANTA CLAUS
Step down, Boys.
SECRET SERVICE ELF
We can't allow that, Sir.
SANTA CLAUS
That's an order. This one is mine.
ON FRED
He's storming away. He walks past the RADIO STATION,
angry and breathing hard. A ROAR approaches from behind.
Fred turns
FRED'S POV
Santa (wearing his helmet) is racing after him in his HO-
HO-HO-MOBILE. He looks manic. He's got a HUGE SNOWBALL
in his hand. As he passes Fred, Santa SLAMS the snow
into Fred's mouth.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
NOT SO FAT NOW, AM I BROTHER?
Santa turns his vehicle around, preparing for another run
at Fred.
85.
Wher-e DJ Donnie is watching, reporting what he sees.
DJ DONNIE D.
{into microphone)
We interrupt our broadcast with this
special report: Santa and his brother
Fred are about to kill each other. Now,
back to Joy to the World.
BACK TO FIGHT
Fred braces
The Ho-Ho-Mobile races back at Fred.
himself. At the last moment, he DIVES into the sidecar.
Taking his eyes off of the road, Santa begins STUFFING
snow into Fred's pants. Fred SCREAMS.
Hanging from the sidecar, Fred stuff snow into Santa's
hat. Santa SCREAMS.
It's an all-out snowball war.
CUT TO:
EXT. POST OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Linda and _Bob are dragging a bag of letters outside.
BOB
I didn't expect this many last minute
letters. We have to get them to the
workshop, ASAP.
LINDA
I'm going as fast as I can, Bob.
BOB
(seeing something coming)
Linda, MOVE!
LINDA
I told you! I'm going as fast as --
BOB
MOVE!
Bob DIVES, knocking Linda out of the way of the SPEEDING
HO-HO-HO-MOBILE. The bag of letters SPLATTER everywhere.
Linda and Bob lie on the ground in silence.
86.
····- - · - · - · · - - - · - - - - - - - - - - - - " O B - - { . C : . Q N ' l ' - ' - l J 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That's it. We' re getting e-mail next
year.
CUT TO:
EXT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - CONTINUOUS
Frost EXITS the tavern, coming to see what the commotion
is. Fred and Santa are MID-BATTLE in the speeding Ho-Ho-
Ho-Mobile, their eye-sight obscu·red by snow, ice, and
letters to Santa (as if tarred and feathered).
The machine is RACING toward Frosty at top speed - they
don't see him. And just when it looks like Frosty will
get plowed ...
The Ho-Ho-Ho-Mobile CRASHES into a huge snowbank right in
front of Frosty, sendi"ng Fred and Santa FLYING out. The
impact sends a SHOWER of snow on Frosty.
FROSTY
(refreshed)
Ah. That hit the spot.
ON FRED AND SANTA
WRESTLING on the ground. Fred gets the upper hand. He
pushes Santa's face into the snow.
FRED
(like a gleeful child)
How you like that, Bro?! Whitewash!
Santa FLIPS Fred off him. Before Fred can react
FRED'S POV
Santa's gigantic butt is coming down toward his chest.
SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)
Earthquake!
Santa LANDS on him with a gigantic THUD. He rolls off.
The brothers lie on their backs in the snow, staring up
at the sky. They're BREATHING HARD, too exhausted to
fight. anymore. After a long silence, Fred speaks.
FRED
(exhausted)
You're larger than life, Bro.
87.
--------"ANT.A-CLAUS~----------------·-·--·····
I swear by all things holy if you call me
fat one more time I will catch my· breath,
renounce my Sainthood, and beat you to
death.
FRED
I'm complimenting you, Jackass. You're
like this larger than life ... thing.
You're Santa Claus. An icon. A great
man. I wish I wasn't jealous. But I am.
Santa CHUCKLES, too exhausted to fight anymore. His
chuckle evolves into hysterical LAUGHTER.
FRED (CONT'D)
This is funny to you?
SANTA CLAUS
It really is. You know why? Because
I've always been jealous of you.
FRED
Of me? Yeah right.
SANTA CLAUS
It's true. I mean, for starters you've
got this fantastic metabolism.
FRED
My metabolism isn't that fantastic.
SANTA CLAUS
You know what I would give to pull off a
pair of flat front chinos like you do?
(a beat, then)
And you're honest. You speak your mind,
tell it like it is. I wish I could be
like that. But I can't.
FRED
Because you're a Saint?
SANTA CLAUS
No. Yes. I don't know. I do it to
myself, I guess. Always need to make
everyone happy. To be perfect. It' s
like a disease. Just once, it would be
nice to
Santa trails off.
FRED
What?
88.
To be the guy whose brother worries about
him, instead of the guy who worries about
his brother. And his parents. And every
child in the world. It's exhausting.
I'm fat, I'm old, and I'm exhausted.
Fred looks at his brother. Santa is just lying there
staring up at the North Pole sky. He does look
exhausted, _emotionally and physically.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I know it's selfish. I know it's not
"Saintly.u But just once, one time, I'd
like to be the guy who gets the presents
instead of the guy who gives them. Santa
Claus never gets a present.
Santa stands. He reaches into his jacket and pulls
something out - A PACKAGE.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D}
Speaking of which: here.
Santa TOSSES Fred the package.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Merry Christmas.
Santa turns and walks away. As he does, he CLUTCHES at
his right arm, in obvious disc·omfort.
FRED
Bro --
Santa just keeps walking away. Fred turns and looks at
the HUGE BODY INDENTATION Santa has left in the snow.
It's sad, touching even. In the middle of the
indentation, lies Fred's gift. Fred takes it in his
hands and unwraps it: It's a BIRDHOUSE: an exact replica
of the one he lost as a child. Inside is a note that
reads: "To the Best Big Brother a guy could ask for. I'm
sorry I cut down your tree. Nick."
Fred CLOSES his eyes and lies back in the snow.
CUT TO:
EXT. NORTH POLE - LATER
Deeply shaken, Fred walks by himself, clearing his head.
He's well outside the center of the North Pole. In the
distance, he spots a BUILDING, faraway. Fred heads
toward it, curious.
89.
-----··------------------------------
-
INT. MYSTERIOUS BUILDING - MINUTES LATER
Fred ENTERS, astounded at what he sees in front of him:
it's a GIGANTIC ROOM with COTTAGE CHEESE CEILINGS. The
room is filled with corporate-styled CUBICLES.
A banner hangs over the room reading, "NORTH POLE, INC."
Fred looks toward the center of the room. Clyde is
leading around a group of WHITE-SUITED MEN (THE HIGHER-
UPS). They don't see Fred.
Clyde approaches a small ROBOT. The robot sits in front
of a small TABLE, filled with nuts and bolts.
CLYDE
This is our prototype for the robot that
will replace all the elves next season.
I guarantee they will increase
productivity one hundred fold. Observe.
(then, commanding)
I-pod.
The robot FLURRIES. Within seconds, he hands Clyde a
completely constructed I-pod.
CLYDE (CONT'D)
DVD Player.
Another FLURRY. The robot presents a DVD player.
CLYDE (CONT'D)
Barbie.
One final FLURRY. The robot hands over a Barbie doll.
Just when we think the robot is done ...
ROBOT
(in robot voice)
Don't forget the Dreamhouse.
The robot hands a DREAMHOUSE over ...
ROBOT (CONT'D)
Or Ken.
And a KEN DOLL. The higher-ups APPLAUD. Clyde notices
Fred, excuses himself, and approaches him.
FRED
What is this?
Clyde looks over his shoulder. The coast is clear.
90.
Well, if anyone in the North Pole is
going to be happy to hear the news, I
suspect it will be you.
{smiling)
I am an efficiency expert. I was sent
here by the higher-ups to determine
whether or not your brother's operation
was still capable of handling the
Christmas toy load. After my time here,
I've become convinced it cannot.
FRED
You're shutting him down?
CLYDE
It has to be done. However, I've been
having trouble convincing the higher-ups.
Many of them still cling to their
infantile worship of your brother. Even
when I told them of his ineffective
leadership and the slipshod work ethic of
his elves, they wouldn't budge.
Fred breathes a SIGH OF RELIEF.
CLYDE (CONT'D)
But when I told them about what I saw you
doing? About how a new employee -
Santa's brother of all people - was put
in charge of a major department, and then
misused his power for his own financial
gain~ they couldn't say no. I actually
owe you a great deal of thanks.
FRED
You used me? No. You can't do this.
CLYDE
Don't worry. You can keep the money you
make off the toys. It's a write-off for
us, and the cost is well worth what we'll
be saving in future years.
Clyde PATS Fred on the back.
CLYDE {CONT'D)
Your wish has come true, Fred. I've put
your brother out of business. Starting
December 26th, there is no more Santa
Claus.
91.
_ _ _ _ _ _----<,;j.yde-&X-l-T-S.,-.Jceavi-ng--F-l:'e CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - LATER
The elves are PARTYING, celebrating completion of their
season. Willy sioands in the front of the room, GAZING at
Charlene. He gathers his courage and approaches.
WILLY
Charlene, uh I just wanted to say: well,
I wanted to say that, uh, you did a
really great job this year. It was very
impressive.
CHARLENE
Aren't you the sweetest thing?
(a beat, then)
I'm so sorry, I forgot your name . . I
don't know where my head is lately.
WILLY
(deflating)
Oh, that's okay. It's Will --
Willy is interrupted by the NAUGHTY-NICE ALARM we heard
earlier (when Slam took over the Most Naughty position).
Instantly, a RUSH of elves separates him from Charlene.
Willy SIGHS and follows the crowd.
CUT TO:
INT. NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
The elves are gathered around the NAUGHTY-NICE BOARD. We
STAY' WITH WILLY as he pushes through. Up front we ...
REVEAL FRED
Standing in front of the board, a solemn look on his
face. A PICTURE OF FRED has. taken over the number one
position on the Most Naughty List.
FRED
I have something to tell everyone.
Fred GATHERS himself. This won't be easy.
92.
--------------'·RED--{GGN'l"-D+-----------------------
For the past week, I've been secretly
moving kids from the nice list t·o the
naughty list. I took all those extra
toys and sent them to New York to be
sold. In two hours I will be a rich man.
Silence. Finally, Bob steps torward.
BOB
I knew you were no good from the second I
met you. What kind of' person doesn't ·
like Santa Claus is Coming to Town? It's
so catchy.
FRED
There's more. That guy Clyde actually
works for the Higher-ups. He knows what
I did, and he's convinced his bosses to
shut down the North Pole and fire Santa
and all you elves. You are all going to
be replaced by robots in two days.
Everyone begins BUZZING, upset and frantic.
DJ DONNIE D
Omigod. What are we going to do? This
is the only thing we're qualified for.
BOB
I'm gonna wind up being a stand-in for
some ten year old on a crappy sitcom. I
just know it.
FRED
We can fix this. Now understand, no one
is going to sleep for the next twenty-
four hours. We'll have to rebuild all
the toys I sent out in one night.
MURMURS from the crowd.
BOB
It can't be done.
The Christmas Spirit members start CHEERING. There's no
emotion in their voices. It's almost monotone.
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT .
We can do it yes we can if we ·can't do it
no one can. Yay.
It's a pathetic display which rouses no one.
93.
_______________... RE.~-----------------··-·--··-·--········---·
We have to do this, Guys. Not for me.
Not even for you. We have to do·this for
Santa. We have to do this for Santa
because the guy has spent the past
seventeen centuries thinking about other
people ahead of himself. Because he's
got a sweating problem but he still puts
on that heavy wool red suit every day and
never complains. We have to do this for
Santa because I once promised him I'd be
the best brother in the world, and I
haven't kept that promise. I have to do
this for Santa. WE HAVE TO DO THIS FOR
SANTA!
A few elves NOD. More join in. Slowly, a few start
CLAPPING. Then a few more. The music SWELLS. Soon,
everyone is ROUSED.
FRED (CONT'D)
Good. Willy, you're in charge. Get the
toy stations reopened. You'll need
someone good with numbers to help.
Fred -WINKS at Willy.
FRED (CONT'D)
Charlene. You're with Willy.
Willy's mouth DROPS open. He looks at Charlene, meekly.
CHIRSTMAS SPIRIT
(with enthusiasm)
WE CAN DO IT, YES WE CAN. IF WE CAN'T DO
IT, NO ONE CAN! YAYYYYY !
Fred smiles, relieved.
FRED
There's the Christmas Spirit.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - OVER THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.
DJ Donnie PUSHES a button on a boom box. Eminem's Lose
Yourself covers a MONTAGE as Fred and the elves working.
AT BUILDING STATIONS
Where elves work feverishly, building new toys.
ON FRED
94 .
.---Whe-st.ands--by-a-e±eek-,-nel:'Vous-c--'Fhe-tlock-·reads-8-:-3-:t---P·Mc---------
AT WRAPPING STATIONS
Where elves wrap toys. A bead of SWEAT runs down the
face of an elf onto a package. The elf quickly wraps
tape around his forehead, a psuedo-headband.
BACK TO FRED
Still by the clock. It now reads 10:42 PM.
AT TESTING STATIONS
Where an exhausted elf hops on a UNICYCLE, trying it out.
As soon as he's seated, he FALLS ASLEEP. He tips over,
crashing to the floor. Other elves run to him.
AT A NEW YORK CITY STARBUCKS
Where Willy ENTERS in full elf gear, drawing stares from
CUSTOMERS. He approaches a young BARISTA at the counter.
WILLY
My company is pulling an.all-nighter. I
need six thousand lattes to go.
The Barista looks at Willy, blankly.
WILLY (CONT'D)
Is this gonna take lbng? My sleigh is
double-parked.
OUTSIDE THE WORKSHOP
Where the elves place a final WRAPPED TOY in the sleigh.
They're done! Elves COLLAPSE all over the ground,
exhausted. Willy turns to Fred and gives him an
exhausted THUMBS UP. Fred smiles. We END THE MONTAGE.
CUT TO:
EXT. SANTA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER
Fred RUSHES toward Santa's door. The Secret Service
Elves block his path.
FRED
I have to see my brother immediately.
Nothing. They don't budge. Fred tries PUSHING through.
The Secret Service Elves JUMP on Fred, hanging on him
like a jungle gym. One of them gets Fred in a HEADLOCK.
95.
__________ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n E A D L O C l L E L ~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
( into headset)
I am applying the noogie. I repeat, I am
applying the noogie.
The elf starts giving Fred a NOOGIE.
FRED
OWWWW!
Mrs. Claus opens the door. Fred pushes the elves off.
FRED (CONT'D)
Annette, I need to see him.
MRS. CLAUS
(grave)
He's not well, Fred. The doctor is
looking at him. Come on.
Fred FOLLOWS Mrs. Claus inside.
CUT TO:
INT . SANTA' S -'BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Santa lies in bed. He has a thermometer in his mouth.
Dr. Goldfarb is examining him. He looks weak. Fred
approaches the bed.
FRED
You okay?
Santa REMOVES the thermometer.
SANTA CLAUS
Nothing a few hours in bed won't cure.
I'll be out in the sleigh by tomorrow
night.
DR. GOLDFARB
Oh, no, Santa. I'm afraid that you
won't. You may have had a minor heart
attack.
SANTA CLAUS
But Christmas Eve is - --
MRS. CLAUS
Nicholas, you heard the doctor.
DR. GOLDFARB
(correcting)
Family therapist.
96.
·-···· --··-----------------MRS-.--CLAlJ·.,___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
Well, you heard him. Your health is the
most important thing.
(then)
Dr. Goldfarb, would you excuse us for a
moment?
Dr. Goldfarb NODS and EXITS. Fred KNEELS next to his
brother.
FRED
Listen to me, Nick. I know about Clyde.
Why didn't you say anything?
· SANTA CLAUS
I didn't want everyone to worry.
FRED
I know. But I screwed up.
SANTA CLAUS
By selling the toys?
Fred does a DOUBLE-TAKE, shocked.
FRED
You knew!? He wants to shut the whole
operation now! If you knew, why didn't
you stop me?
SANTA CLAUS
I had faith.
FRED
In what?
SANTA CLAUS
In you. I had faith you'd come around.
FRED
My God, you are a Saint.
(then}
Listen, it's gonna be okay. The elves
worked through the night and the sleigh
is ready to
MRS. CLAUS
It's over, Fred. My husband is not
getting out of this bed.
Fred looks down. Suddenly, a LIGHTBULB goes on. And
Fred Claus does something we never expected to see him
do: he steps up.
97.
--------------------FREfl---------------------
Then I'll do it.
MRS. CLAUS
What?
FRED
Deliver the presents. Be Santa Claus.
SANTA CLAUS
You can't, Fred. It's impossible.
FRED
Hey, I may not be a Saint, but I'm the
blood relation of one. Some of that had
to rub off. In a very, very subtle way.
SANTA CLAUS
It could be very dangerous. It took me
years just to master the chimney landing.
FRED
I'm doing it.
Santa looks to Mrs. Claus. She SHRUGS.
MRS. CLAUS
I don't see any other way, Nicholas.
Santa NODS.
SANTA CLAUS
Okay.
FRED
(rousing himself)
Okay!
Fred heads to the door, then STOPS.
FRED (CONT'D)
Oh, if I'm going to be Santa, I do have
one condition.
MRS. CLAUS
Oy vey.
FRED
This year, every kid gets a present.
Even the naughty ones. The naughty kids
are the ones who need the presents, Bro.
Santa smiles and NODS. Fred smiles back.
98 .
. ········-··· - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + · R E D - { 0 ! f f - L B + - - - ~
About yesterday: I'm --
SANTA CLAUS
Me too.
And that's it. That's all the two brothers need to say.
Fred EXITS. Mrs. Claus and Santa sit there in SILENCE
for a moment. And then Santa POPS up out of bed.
He's not sick at all.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Did I tell you he'd step up?
MRS. CLAUS
(smiling)
You were right, Babe.
Santa does a little JIG.
SANTA CLAUS
Mama; go put on that new nightgown. I
know it's been a while, but Santa's
feeling a little naughty.
MRS. CLAUS
Ooh, Nicholas!
Mrs .. Claus smiles and SCAMPERS into the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - CHRISTMAS EVE
The elves stand around, waiting. Many of them are asleep
on their feet.
WILLY
Remember everyone. He' s gonna be
nervous. Try and be positive.
The DOOR opens. The elves TILT their heads,
synchronized, trying to figure out what they're seeing.
ELVES POV
Fred stands there, wearing his brother's SANTA SUIT.
He's swimming in it.
FRED
We probably should have thought to get
this taken in.
Silence. No one seems to know what to say.
99.
-------PFRED---(-CON'f"i7)-
Well, this is it. I want to thank you
all for your hard work the past twenty-
four hours. I'll try and make you all
proud.
Charlene steps forward. She hands Fred a container of
PEPTO-BISMOL.
CHARLENE
If each child, on average, leaves one and
a half cookies, you're looking at eating
well over one point two billion cookies.
FRED
Well, at least the suit has room.
Donnie steps forward. He hands Fred an EMINEM C.D.
DJ DONNIE D
For the ride. I added some DJ Donnie
beat box in the background. Takes it to
the next level, I think.
Linda and Bob step forward.
LINDA
The chimney landing takes decades to
master.
Bob hands Fred a PILLOW.
BOB
It'll ease the fall. Strap it to your
butt.
FRED
(touched)
Thank you, Bob.
FRED (CONT'D)
Willy, you coming?
Willy iooks up, surprised.
WILLY
Me?
FRED
You're my guy, I know you're tired. I
know the trip could be dangerous. But I
need you.
Willy NODS. He steps through the crowd, SHAKING HANDS
and GIVING HUGS as he heads away with Fred.
100.
They start walking toward the door. But suddenly, Willy
-------<>TOPs--and-TURNS-AROUNO-;------Frm:t·-10·0xs~ai::--him;··unsure--what-~---------- - - -
he's doing.
Willy, with purpose, MARCHES over to a work table. He
grabs a CHAIR and DRAGS it over to Charlene. He STEPS up
on the chair. They're face to face.
WILLY
I'd hate to die without doing this.
And like that, Willy (just as Fred taught him) SWINGS
her, DIPS her, and plants a MOVIE STAR KISS on a stunned
Charlene. He finishes the kiss, hops down off the chair,
and walks right passed Fred.
WILLY (CONT'D)
(as he passes)
Bet she'll remember my name now.
Willy, stud, EXITS. Fred smiles and follows him.
CUT TO:
INT. SLEIGH - MOMENTS LATER
Fred and Willy sit in the front of the sleigh. Fred
grabs the reins. They're about to take off, when ...
There's a KNOCK on the sleigh window. Fred turns. His
parents stand outside. Fred LOWERS the window.
MOTHER CLAUS
I don't know what you're trying to
accomplish here, Frederick. You've
already gotten your brother sick with
your toy embezzling scam ... must you
really try to --
FRED
Ma, I'm on a pretty tight schedule here.
Maybe you could make me feel bad about
myself later?
MOTHER CLAUS
There he goes. Always being difficult.
For the life of me --
FATHER CLAUS (O.S.)
Enough!
Everyone turns toward Father Claus, stunned that he has
dared to speak.
101.
- --- ------- - ----------------FA-THER-eWl:l:!S---te(JN'!'"i'lt-------------------------
For God's sake, Elaine! It's enough
already! I can't stand around and watch
you behave like this anymore.
FRED
Dad, you've been standing around watching
my entire life. Think you could hold off
for another twenty-four hours? We're
really in a rush.
FATHER CLAUS
No!
(to his wife)
I want you to tell him why you treat him
like this. Why you always favored
Nicholas.
MOTHER CLAUS
Dear, you're embarrassing me in front of
the little elf driver.
FRED
Dad, really. It's okay. Honestly, I'd
probably love Nick more than me, too. So
if we could just get going
MOTHER CLAUS
( surprised)
That's what you think? That I love him
more?
FRED
No. I don't know. Can we just --
MOTHER CLAUS
Frederick, you're my first-born. And you
were always ... well·, you were always like
me. Tough. A little rough around the
edges, but a survivor. Your brother was
like your father. Sweet. Too sweet for
this world, maybe. And so fat. I knew
how cruel kids could be about his weight.
So maybe I was more nurturing to him.
But that doesn't mean I loved you any
less. I love you very much.
Fred looks at his mother, touched. Willy leans in.
WILLY
Fred, we should really be in Australia by
now.
102.
----"""R'E:n------------------
(to his parents)
I've got to go.
Mother Claus leans in and KISSES Fred on the cheek.
MOTHER CLAUS
If you're not going to be back in time
for dinner, I expect a phone call.
FRED
Ma, I'm gonna be pretty busy
MOTHER CLAUS
I don't think that's too much to ask. A
mother worries.
Mother Clauss RUBS her lipstick off his cheek. Fred
smiles at his father and SNAPS the reins.
FRED
Ho!
The reindeer SHOOT up into the sky as Fred SCREAMS. Once
Fred is airborne, Father Claus gently places his arm
around Mother's Claus's shoulders.
FATHER CLAUS
I think it's important that you finally --
MOTHER CLAUS
(interrupting)
Oh, enough already, Herbert. You're
starting to give me a headache.
CUT TO:
INT. SLEIGH - ONE HOUR LATER
Willy and Fred are stopped in the SKY, well above Earth.
FRED
Admit it, Willy. We're lost. We just
passed Pluto again. We've been going in
circles for an hour.
WILLY
Santa normally navigates. I don't
understand. We did exactly what the GPS
said.
Willy PUSHES a button on the dash. The GPS VOICE talks.
103 .
.~·--- ··~-····-----------------<>PS~VOJ:.C1"----
AuS t ralia. Left turn in point one miles.
WILLY
(frustrated)
WE DID THAT!
FRED
Maybe we should just stop and ask for
directions.
WILLY
I don't know if that's allowed.
CUT TO:
INT. PARIS COFFEE SHOP - MINUTES LATER
A CASHIER sits behind the counter, reading a magazine.
Suddenly, he hears a CRASH on his roof. He looks up,
shakes his head, then returns to his magazine.
Moments later, the door DINGS, signaling the arrival of a
customer. The cashier looks up and finds Fred (in full
Santa gear.), and Willy ( in full elf gear) .
WILLY
Bonjour. Uh, my French isn't really so
could you tell us which way Australia
is?
FRED
And could I use your bathroom real quick?
It's gonna be killer getting this suit
off once we get rolling.
Off the cashier's confused look we ...
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOFTOP - LATER
Fred and Willy stand next to the chimney. Fred's ar.ms
are filled with GIFTS. One gift is really large.
WILLY
Okay, your first house. You all set?
FRED
Wally Durst: Melbourne, Australia, ten
years old. Surfboard, new basketball,
and the second season of Friends on DVD.
Stocking to be stuffed with candy.
104.
Allergies?
FRED
None.
WILLY
(correcting)
Peanuts.
FRED
Damn. Sorry.
WILLY
Don't apologize. Santa never has to
apologize.
Fred GATHERS HIMSELF and JUMPS down the chimney.
CUT TO:
INT. CHIMNEY - CONTINUOUS
Fred is hanging from the surfboard which is wedged
sideways in the chimney.
FRED
Okay, not a good start.
Now, we watch as Fred delivers gifts all over the world.
AT A FIREPLACE
Where Fred lands (on his pillow-padded butt) and LOOKS
UP. On a couch opposite him sits a family of stunned
HASIDIC JEWS.
FRED (CONT'D)
(calling up)
Willy! Wrong house again!
WILLY (O.S.)
(calling back)
Sorry!
FRED
(to family, explaining)
It's my first day. Shabbat Shalom.
Fred heads back up the chimney.
AT ANOTHER FIREPLACE
105.
-·· ·-· ····-··--Whe,;e-F.x:ed-l.and.s-and-LOOKS--U:P..,--A-SEVEN-::.CEAR--OLI,-BQ¥--i-s---- - - - -
staring at him, his mouth wide open.
FRED (CONT'D)
Timmy Beckford, St. Paul, Minnesota?
Timmy NODS.
FRED (CONT'D)
So we finally meet. You probably don't
realize this, but you've been a big
conversation point in the North Pole.
Timmy is still staring, mouth AGAPE.
FRED (CONT'D)
Here's the thing, Timmy. You asked for
an awful lot this year. And that lizard
torture thing didn't help your case. But
I know you're a good kid. I hear you
spent all the money you made at your
lemonade stand on a Mother's Day gift.
So I'm hooking you up, okay?
Timmy NODS.
FRED (CONT'D)
The trampoline's out, though. I can't
get that thing through the chimney.
Timmy NODS again. He approaches Fred and hands him a
GIANT PLATE of cookies.
FRED (CONT'D)
Alright, fine. You can have the
trampoline but you have to pretend I
never saw these cookies.
They SHAKE on it.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - MEANWHILE
Santa is watching Fred on the SNOWGLOBE. He smiles.
CLYDE (O.S.)
It doesn't matter what he does, Mr.
Claus. In two days, I'll have shut the
North Pole down.
Clyde stands behind Santa. Santa doesn't turn around.
Clyde walks away triumphantly.
106.
---------------------5AN'l'A-LAUo------------------
Clyde Northcutt. 422 Dashwood Drive,
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Clyde STOPS in his tracks. Santa turns toward him.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
You made the most naughty list in '84.
Very naughty year. You kept fighting
with other kids. Twelve fights in all if
I remember correctly. You asked me for a
Superman cape.
CLYDE
You can't possibly remember that.
SANTA CLAUS
I remember more than you'd think. I
remember that I didn't send you the
Superman cape.
CLYDE
No, you didn't.
SANTA CLAUS
You were very naughty that year.
(a beat, then)
Did you always wear glasses, Clyde?
CLYDE
I don't see what that has to do with
SANTA CLAUS
Your glasses. Did you always wear them?
CLYDE
(defensive)
Yes. I was cross-eyed as a child.
SANTA CLAUS
Four-Eye Clyde. Isn't that what they
called you?·
Clyde's head instinctively lowers, instantly vulnerable.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
And is it possible that after a while of
being called Four-Eye Clyde, you got
angry? Maybe even started a fight or
two? Maybe twelve?
CLYDE
It's possible.
107.
So you asked for something. A Superman
cape, maybe?
CLYDE
Clark Kent wore glasses. But when he
turned into Superman ...
SANTA CLAUS
He didn't need the glasses anymore.
Clyde looks down, embarrassed.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
It was wrong of me not to send you the
gift. I fear I had an incorrect
understanding of naughty children.
CLYDE
If you think an apology will prevent me
from shutting you down, you're mistaken.
SANTA CLAUS
I know.
Santa REACHES down. He hands Clyde a GIFT.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
This is a little late.
Clyde OPENS it: it's A SUPERMAN CAPE.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D}
You want to put it on?
CLYDE
I'm a thirty-five year old man, Mr.
Claus. I'm not putting on a --
SANTA CLAUS
Just put it on.
CLYDE
(quickly}
Okay.
Trying to hide his excitement, Clyde dons the cape.
SANTA CLAUS
Glasses off.
Clyde takes off his glasses.
108.
-----------------l>ANI'-A--Gt.AUS---t=NT--'-D1----~--------······---
I was a fat little kid. Kids called me
Thick Nick ... So what do you tliink? You
think I could have a hug? Just a
friendly display of affection between
Thick Nick and Four-Eyed Clyde?
CLYDE
No.
SANTA CLAUS
Just a quick little hug?
CLYDE
It doesn't seem appropriate in light of
the --
SANTA CLAUS
Fly to me, Superman.
Instantly, Clyde puts his arms out in front of him and
(ala Superman) FLIES to Santa. They hug. Clyde begins
CRYING in Santa's chest.
CLYDE
I'm finally Superman.
SANTA CLAUS
Yes you are.
CLYDE
(through tears)
I also asked for a GI Joe Action Figure
set that year.
SANTA CLAUS
Let's not press our luck, Clyde.
CDT BACK TO:
INT. ORPHANAGE - MEANWHILE
Fred kneels next to Slam's bed. He RUFFLES his hair.
FRED
(whispering)
Kid?
Slam TURNS in his sleep. He opens his eyes, groggy and
half asleep. He doesn't realize it's Fred.
SLAM
Santa? You found me.
109.
~----------------------~F_ll,l;:P~--------------------------
Of course I found you. I find all the
good kids. Your gifts are over by the
door.
Over by the door is a GIGANTIC PILE of gifts. Slam's
eyes WIDEN.
FRED (CONT'D)
I might have gone a little overboard.
(a beat, then)
You need to start behaving again, Slam.
I know you've had some crappy breaks, but
that doesn't mean the world's a crappy
place. The world is what you make of it.
We need kids like you to make it a nice
place. Kapeesh?
SLAM
(blown away)
Kapeesh.
FRED
Now, back to sleep.
SLAM
Okay. I promise I'll be good from now
on, Santa.
Fred smiles and turns to go. Suddenly, he realizes:
FRED
I'm gonna need my wallet back, Slam.
Slam's ARM pops up. He holds Fred's wallet.
FRED (CONT'D)
We'll pretend that didn't happen.
And just like that, Slam's back asleep. Fred COVERS him
with the blanket, smiles, and walks out.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOFTOP - MOMENTS LATER
Fred EMERGES. Willy holds out his hand. They SHAKE.
WILLY
It's been an honor.
SANTA CLAUS
You're a giant among elves, Willy. I
just have one more stop I have to make.
110.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _W I L L - L - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
No problem. Where we going?
FRED
This stop I have to make on my own.
CUT TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - LATER
Wanda sits at a table with her DATE - the man who asked
her out previously when she gave him a ticket.
WANDA'S DATE
So basically I work for Smith Barney down
on Wall Street. I didn't originally want
to be an investment banker but ...
He trails off. Wanda looks lost in thought.
WANDA'S DATE (CONT'D)
Is everything okay, Wanda?
FRED (O.S.)
No, everything' s not okay. ·
Wanda looks up. Fred stands at the table. His Santa
suit is attracting stares from the restaurant patrons.
FRED (CONT'D)
Everything's not okay because she should
be having.dinner with me. She loves me.
(a beat, then)
And I love her.
Wanda looks up, shocked.
WANDA
What did you just say?
Fred; still not comfortable expressing feeling, STOPS a
passing waiter.
FRED
I'm gonna need a Double Egg Nog, please.
Rocks.
WAITER
Um, we don't have eggnog, Sir.
FRED
What kind of dump is this?
(to Wanda)
Yeah, I said I love you.
(MORE)
111.
FRED(CONT'D)
Don't get me wrong: I still think the
- - - - - - - - - ~ - h o J e conCepL-D~-1.mt.e!.~--i s j11 sL._som==L.U;,-------------
created by the movie studios so people .
will go see Leonardo Dicaprio difr in the
ocean. But that said, I do love you.
With all my jaded heart.
WANDA
I love you, too.
Wanda STANDS and KISSES Fred.
WANDA' S DATE
Are you serious right now? You're
leaving me for a guy in a Santa costume?
FRED
It would have happened eventually. She'd
never fall for an investment banker.
Investment banking is a concept created
by high-end Universities so that parents
who spend hundreds of thousands on
college educations can feel validated
when their kids get a six figure job
straight out of college.
WANDA
He's right.
We FOLLOW Fred and Wanda as they walk away.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
So, Fre.d managed to save the day AND get
the girl. And since he interrupted
Wanda's dinner, he even managed to end
the night with a quick bite to eat.
CUT TO:
EXT. TACO BELL DRIVE THRU - LATER THAT NIGHT
A CASHIER, not paying attention, leans out the window.
CASHIER
That's a number two number and an oh my
God.
HER POV
The sleigh, the reindeer, Fred, Wanda, and Willy sit in
front of her window. Dazed, she hands them a few bags.
112.
---------------=FRE_.,_D___________:__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
Merry Christmas.
(then)
Ho!
The reindeer TAKE off, with Fred SCREAMING as always.
The cashier watches, stunned.
CUT TO:
INT. FROSTY'S TAVERN - CONTINUOUS
We focus on the JUKEBOX. A small finger PUSHES a button.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
As for Willy: upon his return, he finally
got up the nerve to ask Charlene for that
long awaited dance.
Lady in Red begins playing. Willy pulls Charlene in
tight and begins SINGING. She LAUGHS, charmed.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
He gave her goosebumps.
A DROP OF
Behind the bar, Frosty watches them.
CONDENSATION runs down his forehead.
FROSTY
Oh oh. It's getting hot in here.
CUT TO:
INT. DJ DONNIE D'S INTERVIEW - CONTINUOUS
Donnie sits behind his mike, talking to an unseen GUEST.
NARRATOR
DJ Donnie D got his own daily music hour
where he could play anything, not just
Christmas music.
DJ DONNIE D
Don't know if you know this, but you've
got quite a following up here in the
North Pole. Mind taking a few calls?
We REVEAL his guest. It's EMINEM. He smiles.
EMINEM
No problem, D.
CUT TO:
113.
INT. POST OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Linda and Bob sit at two laptops, next to each other.
NARRATOR
Linda and Bob finally got email. But
other than that, not much changed.
An INSTANT MESSAGE pops up on Linda's screen. It reads,
"STOP PLAYING SOLITAIRE AND GET TO WORK!"
Immediately, an INSTANT MESSAGE pops up on Bob's screen.
It reads, "If you yell at me in all caps one more time,
you will sleep on the couch tonight. Lol."
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Clyde TUCKS himself into bed. He's wearing his Superman
cape.
NARRATOR
Of course, Clyde no longer had it in him
to shut down the North Pole.
CUT TO:
INT. WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
Clyde is showing Santa and some of the elves how to use
his prototype ROBOT.
NARRATOR
Santa even hired him on a consulting
basis, in an attempt to modernize his
operation.
The robot moves toward Santa. Out of nowhere, the S_ecret
Service Elves DIVE in and tackle it.
CUT TO:
INT. SANTA'S ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
Fred stands next to the chimney. He's signing a card.
NARRATOR
As for St. Nick, well, that Christmas
Santa Claus finally got a present.
114.
The card reads: "To the best little brother a guy could
---~·slrfor:--Remembero-b:rack--±s-si-:immin,r;--ji'red-c-~Fren---------·---
tapes the card to a GIFT BOX and JUMPS down the chimney.
ON FIREPLACE
Where Fred LANDS with a THUD. He brushes himself off and
looks up. His MOUTH DROPS. Marvin Gaye is playing.
FRED
Ew.
MRS. CLAUS (O,S.)
FRED, GET OUT!
SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)
Kind of in the middle of something here,
Bro! Think you could come back later?
CUT TO:
INT. ORPHANAGE - MONTHS LATER
Slam sits on his bed, playing with other kids.
NARRATOR
But as I told you before, this is the
story of a boy named Fred. And this part
of Fred's story ends right here. In a
small little orphanage in New York City
that he'd been visiting for months.
Fred BURSTS into the room.
FRED
Kid! Kid! Thank God you're here.
Listen we don't have a lot of time!
SLAM
For what?
Fred pulls out Slam's long-lost CRUMPLED TEN DOLLAR BILL.
FRED
I need you to pretend to be my kid.
Here's ten bucks. It's everything I had
in my piggy bank.
Fred HANDS Slam back the ten dollar bill. Slam looks at
it, confused. Slowly, he looks back up.
SLAM
Wait, are you serious?
115.
Fred looks at Wanda. She nods at Slam and smiles. Slam
··rscooshockeal:o spea--ir.---Fr~tt-jUl'np"S7.11.
FRED
Okay, fine. You don't have to pretend.
We'll' adopt you. Just don't go mushy on
me cause I swear I'll trade you in for a
cuter kid -- oh God, he's going mushy.
Slam is HUGGING Fred. After a beat, Slam pulls back.
SLAM
Let's get one thing straight: I'm not
some cute kid in a bad sitcom. If you're
waiting for me to say things like --
(ala Gary Coleman)
"What'chu talkin' 'bout Willis," you're
wasting your time.
As Fred and Wanda LAUGH with Slam we PULL BACK. And
BACK. And BACK. Until ...
ON SNOWGLOBE
The Claus family has been watching: Santa (in his new
BLACK SUIT AND HAT) , Mrs. Claus, and both the Claus
parents. Mother Claus has tears in her eyes. She puts
her arms around Santa.
MOTHER CLAUS
Nicholas?
SANTA CLAUS
Yes, Mother?
MOTHER CLAUS
I really do wish you could be a little
more like your brother.
THE END
|
