GRAND THEFT PARSONS
Written by
Jeremy Drysdale
June 2003
OPENING TITLE.
"ALTHOUGH THIS MOTION PICTURE IS INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY,
CERTAIN CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE FICTIONAL."
FADE IN:
SUPER: 'SEPTEMBER 1973'.
INT. PHIL KAUFMAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
A phone rings in the dark. A little light falls from the
open window, illuminating an old bakelite telephone. It
sits on a small table alongside a large amount of empty
bottles and a couple of overflowing ashtrays.
EXT. PHIL'S TRIKE. NIGHT
A three wheeled motorcycle is being driven through the
night at great speed. The trike is moving very quickly,
its headlights cutting through the darkness, its wheels
sending a spray of sand flying towards us, as the driver
fights to keep it on the road. This is PHIL KAUFMAN, and
he's in a hurry.
INT. JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
Two figures are struggling on the floor. The male is
naked. The woman sits astride him, her movements urgent,
her breath fast. They appear to be having sex.
EXT. TRIKE. DAWN
The Trike cuts through the night, and we pull back to show
desert, more desert, and then... a giant bright, flickering
neon sign: 'Welcome to the Joshua Tree Inn'.
INT. PHIL KAUFMAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
That phone - still ringing; shrill, insistent. There is a
bed next to the table. It is covered in clothes, but there
is also a man's shape, which now moves.
INT. JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
A little more light, and it now appears as if our man and
woman are struggling. There is fear on her face.
INT. PHIL KAUFMAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
Still that insistent ringing, and the covers suddenly fly
off the bed. We see the man from behind as he shakes the
sleep away and looks for the damn phone.
2.
INT. JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
The woman is screaming now, and banging on the man's chest
with her fists. He is motionless underneath her.
EXT. OUTSIDE JOSHUA TREE INN. DAWN
The Trike skids to a halt amid a cloud of dust and the
driver leaps off. He runs at the door, throwing it open in
one movement, disappearing into the room. A broken striped
'No Entry - Police' band flutters to the ground.
INT. PHIL KAUFMAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
The man finally answers the phone. At last the ringing
stops.
PHIL
Hello?
EXT. OUTSIDE JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
The door bounces back open, and we can see the Phil walking
quickly through the room.
As he searches, we hear:
WOMAN'S VOICE
Oh my God please help me! I
found your number in his pocket
and I don't know... I don't know
what to do.
PHIL'S VOICE
Ah, what... who are you?
WOMAN'S VOICE
He's dead... he's dead... and
I'm... just... I don't know what
to do.
The man glances into the bathroom and opens some drawers.
PHIL'S VOICE
Hold on. Tell me who's dead.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Parsons. Gram Parsons. We met
in a bar and we had a lot to
drink and he just...
PHIL'S VOICE
Are you sure he's dead?
He looks under the beds.
3.
CON TINUE D:
WOMAN'S VOICE
Yeah. He's really dead. He
just...
PHIL'S VOICE
Listen. Call an ambulance.
Where are you?
WOMAN'S VOICE
Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree Inn.
Room eight.
He checks on top of the wardrobe.
PHIL'S VOICE
Have you got a car?
WOMAN'S VOICE
Yes.
PHIL'S VOICE
Call an ambulance. Then get out
of there. Okay? Okay?
WOMAN'S VOICE
Yeah, okay. I'm goin'...
He picks up a sheet of paper from the bedside table and
glances at it. He turns and walks past us to the car and
for the first time we see Phil Kaufman's face.
EXT. JOSHUA TREE HOSPITAL. MORNING
The Trike skids to a halt outside the small white hospital.
There are a couple of press vehicles parked outside, and a
reporter is recording a piece to camera in the background.
Phil sits for a moment, and then opens the door and walks
to the entrance.
INT. JOSHUA TREE HOSPITAL. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER
We move through the reception area up to the nurses'
station. Phil is in conversation with a large woman in a
nurse's uniform.
NURSE
You wanna run that by me again,
sir?
PHIL
Okay. I'd like to see Gram
Parsons.
They stare at each other.
4.
CON TINUE D:
NURSE
You want to see Gram Parsons?
PHIL
Yes. Alone, if possible. And
would you have a gurney standing
by in case I need to move him?
She looks carefully at the pyjamas which peek out from
under the shabby overcoat. His hair is on end. He is
wearing biker boots and is holding an unlit but half-smoked
cigar.
NURSE
And you are.... his physician?
Or perhaps a close relative?
Phil clears his throat.
PHIL
Actually, I'm his road manager.
The big nurse smiles mirthlessly.
NURSE
So you're not his physician or a
close relative?
A beat.
PHIL
No.
NURSE
Mister Parsons is awaiting a post
mortem. He will then be
delivered to his family. I
suggest you speak to them if you
wish to pick through his personal
effects. Sir.
She turns away.
PHIL
Now listen here...
NURSE
No, you listen here. Mister
Parsons is dead and no longer
appears to need a road manager.
Which makes two of us.
The nurse turns and marches down the corridor. Phil waits
until she's gone and then walks through a door marked
'Admittance only to Authorized Hospital Staff'.
5.
INT. HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM. MORNING
Phil slips off his overcoat and stuffs it into the trash.
He tosses away the unlit cigar, grabs a white coat from a
hook and puts it on. He walks out through another door.
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. MORNING
Phil wanders down the corridor, glancing into rooms and
checking signs. He pushes open a door marked 'Pathology'.
INT. HOSPITAL PATHOLOGY LAB. MORNING
The room is empty, except for a couple of covered bodies on
trolleys. Phil checks under the first sheet, and recoils
at whatever it is which lies beneath.
PHIL
Sheesh!
He walks over to the next gurney and lifts the sheet. He
stares down at the body, visibly moved.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hello buddy. How you been?
He stands for a moment, gripping the gurney and looking
down at his friend. Then he snaps out of it.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Well, I can't stand around here
chatting with you all day.
Things to do...
He wheels the gurney towards the door.
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. MORNING
Phil wheels the gurney down the corridor towards the exit.
A doctor in green scrubs approaches and glances down at a
clipboard.
DOCTOR
Can I help you?
PHIL
Naw, I'm cool thanks.
The doctor reads the tag on the body's toe.
DOCTOR
What are you doing?
PHIL
Just taking some stiff down to
neurology.
6.
CON TINUE D:
DOCTOR
We don't have a neurology
department.
PHIL
Urology.
The doctor grabs the end of the gurney. Phil tugs and the
doctor tugs back. After a moment, Phil sighs and shakes
his head in frustration.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Okay. Just hold your horses -
I'll go check the paperwork.
The doctor holds up his clipboard.
DOCTOR
I have the paperwork.
PHIL
No. You have your paperwork. I
need to go check my paperwork.
He slips through the exit. The doctor waits awkwardly for
a few seconds, and then pushes open the door.
DOCTOR
Hello? Hello...
He glances around in surprise, but there is no-one in
sight.
EXT. DESERT. MORNING
Phil's trike accelerates as it approaches a T junction. To
the right the sign points to 'Joshua Tree Town', to the
left 'Los Angeles'. The trike doesn't even slow as it
skids left, sending a spray of sand and gravel flying
across the road.
NB. There will be several shots of Phil driving through
the desert, set to music.
EXT. PHIL'S STREET. DAY
The Trike pulls up outside a rambling old house. Two
enormous plaster eagles flank the front door, a giant
Harley Davidson sign hangs from the roof, and there's a six
foot flashing neon star in the front window. Phil gets
out, walks up to the door and pulls some keys out of his
pocket.
7.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Phil walks into the room and pours himself a drink. He
slumps onto the couch, takes a sip and closes his eyes. We
see movement behind him, as an attractive girl slips
through a door and approaches Phil from behind. This is
SUSIE, and she puts her hands over his eyes.
SUSIE
Guess who?
PHIL
Martin Luther King.
SUSIE
Try again...
Susie leans over the back of the chair and gives Phil a
long slow kiss. She jumps over the couch and resumes
kissing, this time more passionately. Phil tries to pull
away with little success.
PHIL
This.... ...isn't.... ...the
best time... ...Baby....
Susie continues regardless, Phil is now finding it hard to
resist. He eventually gives in, and they begin to kiss
passionately.
INT. PHIL'S KITCHEN. DAY
Phil and Susie are sitting at the kitchen table. He takes
a drag from her cigarette and passes it back.
SUSIE
God damn! I'm so sorry, baby.
PHIL
Yeah, out of a job again.
SUSIE
Would never have happened if you
were there.
PHIL
How do you know I wasn't?
SUSIE
Well, if you were, you wouldn't
have let him die.
PHIL
I was still 'on staff'. He was
still my responsibility.
8.
CON TINUE D:
They sit quietly for a moment. Then:
PHIL (CONT'D)
So where have you been, anyway?
She sighs, and stands up.
PHIL (CONT'D)
How long this time? Two weeks?
SUSIE
Yeah, let's have this
conversation again. Like you
haven't just done six weeks on
the road...
PHIL
Yeah, but I usually leave a note.
And there's a paycheck involved.
Susie disappears through the door. Phil's shoulders sag
and he slumps against the wall. Then Susie reappears with
a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple of glasses. She
pours out two generous measures and hands one to Phil.
SUSIE
Come here...
After a moment, he gets up and follows her out of the room.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Susie guides Phil to a chair and sits him down.
PHIL
What's this?
SUSIE
This is a remembrance.
She crosses to a record player and turns it on, pausing to
let down the blind on the way back. 'In My Hour of
Darkness'(or similar music) fills the room.
SERIES OF
SHOTS:
A) PHIL TAKES A DRINK.
B) GIRL IN TEARS TO CAM OUTSIDE THE JOSHUA TREE MOTEL:
GIRL
(Earnestly)
He was so beautiful, and he
understood what my heart was
feeling. I'll...
(MOR E)
9.
CON TINUE D:
GIR L (CONT'D)
never laugh again. My inner joy
has gone. It evaporated when
Gram departed.
C) MUSIC 'EXPERT' ON CHAT SHOW
EXPERT
He sang country music in a way
that it had never been sung
before. It was 'country rock',
if you like. And it was kinda
catchy. At least, the young
people seemed to lap it up. It's
fair to say that when Gram
Parsons died, he died a star.
D) PHIL TAKES ANOTHER DRINK. HE MAY BE CRYING.
E) HIPPIE TO CAM FROM A STREET IN LA:
HIPPIE
It's like... I can't... It was
real, kinda... I... Oh, man.
F) PHIL SLEEPS, AND THE GLASS SLIPS FROM HIS HAND.
G) REPORTER TO CAM FROM OUTSIDE JOSHUA TREE HOSPITAL:
REPORTER
And another light burns out in
the desert. Gram Parsons - the
standard bearer of the new
country music movement - is dead,
following an overdose of drugs.
While many of America's young
people are today in mourning,
their parents will view this as
another example of how today's
drug culture can so easily claim
a life. We'll leave you tonight
with the young man's own words.
Gram Parsons wrote a song called
'In My Hour of Darkness', which
contains these words: 'In my hour
of darkness...'
We are back in Phil's sitting room. Fade up on the music,
to match the reporter's words, as Gram's voice fills the
room: (or similar music).
GRAM'S VOICE
In my hour of darkness, in my
time of need, Oh Lord grant me
vision, Oh Lord grant me speed.
Oh Lord grant me vision, Oh Lord
grant me speed.
10.
CON TINUE D:
Susie tenderly throws a blanket over the sleeping Phil as
the record ends. She turns the light off and the room goes
dark.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Susie walks in with a coffee. She sits beside Phil and
strokes his head until he wakes. She kisses him and passes
him the cup.
PHIL
Hello.
SUSIE
Hi.
He sits up and stretches. She leans over to kiss him, then
stands and starts to tidy. He watches her. She picks up
some clothing from near his chair and moves away. He drops
another piece of clothing on the same spot. She says
nothing and picks it up. He takes a sock off and drops it.
It has stopped being a game and started being a statement.
She picks the sock up and drops it in his lap. He pushes
it back onto the floor. She opens her arms and everything
falls to the floor. She walks out of the room and into the
kitchen. He follows.
INT. PHIL'S KITCHEN. DAY
Susie leans on the table, staring out of the window. Phil
walks up behind her.
PHIL
When you're here, I spend my time
wondering when you're going. And
when you're back, I wonder where
you've been.
She turns and walks round to face him.
SUSIE
Phil, you give me laughs and a
great time. But I'm not sure if
that's enough.
PHIL
You mean there's more than that?
SUSIE
Yes, there's more than that!
There's dependable, responsible,
reliable...
11.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
There's dull, boring, normal.
You should hook up with someone
who works in a bank. I know a
guy, actually. He has fish for
dinner every Friday, cleans his
shoes twice a week and buys his
ties in bulk because it works out
cheaper that way. I'll put you
in touch.
SUSIE
I don't mind loving a crazy
bastard, Phil. But you've got to
be for something and not just
against everything. You have to
choose something to represent.
PHIL
I represent the combined forces
of charm, enchantment and
exuberance.
SUSIE
Your job is to arrange other
people's lives. Maybe it's time
to put a little thought into your
own.
Susie walks out of the room.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET. DAY
A suburban street of small, neat bungalows. We move down
the street, past house and identical house, until we rest
outside another that is identical to the rest. The front
door opens, and a nondescript man emerges, carrying a small
overnight bag. He carefully locks the door and walks down
the path to where a cab waits. We can clearly see 'New
Orleans Taxi' marked on the door.
MAN
Airport, please.
This is STANLEY PARSONS, Gram's father.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
There is a loud banging on the front door. Phil glances
out of the window, and looks momentarily puzzled. He opens
the door, and a beautiful woman stands on the step.
PHIL
Long time, no see, Barbara.
12.
CON TINUE D:
BARBARA
Don't try and schmooze me,
Kaufman, you repellent slimeball.
She notices Susie standing behind Phil.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
The latest victim?
Barbara walks past them into the kitchen. Susie looks
quizzically at Phil.
PHIL
Meet Barbara.
Barbara calls out from the kitchen.
BARBARA
It's a lot tidier than I
remember.
Susie raises an eyebrow at Phil.
SUSIE
Who the hell is she?
PHIL
Gram's ex-girlfriend.
Phil points at his temple as if to say she's nuts.
SUSIE
Girlfriend? Isn't he married?
Barbara walks back into the hall.
BARBARA
Welcome to the seventies.
PHIL
What do you want, Barbara?
Barbara lights a cigarette.
BARBARA
I'm here to fulfill Gram's
wishes.
She waits for him to speak.
PHIL
That's nice. I have no idea what
you're talking about.
She holds up an old piece of writing paper.
13.
CON TINUE D: (2)
BARBARA
Do you know what this is?
Phil reaches for it, but Barbara snatches it away.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
It's Gram's will.
She reads it out.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
To whom it may concern: I would
like it to be known that it is my
wish to leave Barbara Mansfield
my assets and belongings in the
event of my death. Signed:
Ingram Cecil Parsons.
Phil looks surprised.
PHIL
Did he write that with joined up
writing or was it before he knew
how?
Barbara gives a wry smile.
BARBARA
Still the jester Kaufman, and
still very unfunny.
PHIL
That's not a will Barbara, and
you know it.
BARBARA
It's better than a will,
actually. It's a signed promise
from Gram to leave me all his
assets and belongings. And
anyway, it's really none of your
business what this is. I've come
for the guitar.
Phil shakes his head.
PHIL
Guitar?
BARBARA
Yes. Gram's guitar. He always
kept it here.
PHIL
It's been a while since you were
around, Barbara.
(MOR E)
14.
CON TINUE D: (3)
PHI L (CONT'D)
Gretchen, his wife, took it back
six months ago.
Barbara leans forward until their noses are almost
touching.
BARBARA
I don't believe you, Kaufman.
Barbara pushes past Phil who gives no resistance. She
walks straight over to the couch and starts pulling up the
cushions. Susie moves to stop her, but Phil holds her back
and lets Barbara carry on.
INT. PHIL'S LOUNGE. DAY
Phil and Susie sit on the sofa, an island of calm in a sea
of chaos. Around them, the floor is covered with papers,
clothing, empty record covers, torn open cushions and
books. A broken drawer is propped against the table. A
lampshade hangs crazily from its bearings, throwing strange
shadows around the room. Suddenly, Susie gets up and kicks
a cushion across the room.
PHIL
Hey, well done. You found the
only unbroken thing.
SUSIE
Why did you let her in?
PHIL
It's all part of the grieving
process.
SUSIE
How can she behave that way?
Gram's not even in the ground
yet.
Phil stares at her.
SUSIE (CONT'D)
What?
PHIL
Nothing.
He continues to look at her oddly.
SUSIE
Don't you freak out on me.
PHIL
Do me a favor and get the guitar,
sweetheart.
15.
CON TINUE D:
He disappears into the kitchen.
SUSIE
Where are you going?
PHIL
(O.S)
I gotta make a call.
INT. JOSHUA TREE FUNERAL HOME. DAY
A man with glasses and an ill-fitting black suit does some
paperwork. He is surrounded by coffins displaying garish
'special offer' price tickets. The phone rings, and the
undertaker takes his time answering it.
UNDERTAKER
Afternoon. Joshua Tree
Obsequies.
INT. PHIL'S KITCHEN. DAY
Phil is holding the phone. He frowns.
PHIL
(into phone)
Obsequies? What the hell does
that mean? I'm...
INT. JOSHUA TREE FUNERAL HOME. DAY
We hear the rest of Phil's mutter from the phone in the
undertaker's hand.
UNDERTAKER
It's Latin. It means burial. Is
there anything I can help with?
Who am I speaking to?
INT. PHIL'S KITCHEN. DAY
Phil straightens up. He speaks curtly.
PHIL
Yes, you can help me as a matter
of fact. I am...
INT. JOSHUA TREE FUNERAL HOME. DAY
Again, we hear Phil's voice trumpeting out of the phone.
The undertaker changes his tone.
UNDERTAKER
Mister Parsons? I'm sorry, I'll
take a look immediately.
16.
CON TINUE D:
He puts down the phone and flicks through a big book. He
purses his lips. He wipes his nose with a white silk
handkerchief. Then he picks up the phone.
UNDERTAKER (CONT'D)
Yeah, he was here.
Mutter.
UNDERTAKER (CONT'D)
New Orleans. Although he only
just went, so he'll still be on
his way to Los Angeles Airport.
Big thrill for us here, as we're
only a small facility. Nearly
got Jane Mansfield in '67 when
she passed through, but she got
diverted to Frisco. Hello?
No mutter.
UNDERTAKER (CONT'D)
Hello. Hellooo...
INT. PHIL'S KITCHEN. DAY
The phone sits on the table but the room is empty.
SUSIE
(O.S)
Phil?
Susie walks in, looks around, and leaves.
EXT. PHIL'S DRIVEWAY. DAY
Phil is lying down in the back of Susie's station wagon,
his feet sticking out of the back. Susie comes out of the
house carrying the guitar, and sits on the steps, where she
watches him. After a minute:
SUSIE
What are you doing?
PHIL
These things aren't that big.
SUSIE
Okay. Is that a problem?
PHIL
Not really.
Susie is confused.
17.
CON TINUE D:
SUSIE
Well, that's good.
No answer. Phil continues to check out the inside of her
car.
SUSIE (CONT'D)
So what are you up to?
PHIL
It's best you don't know.
Without a word, Susie gets up and walks into the house.
Phil lies still. After a moment, she reappears with her
bag. She flounces theatrically past him and opens the car
door. Phil gets out of the back.
SUSIE
I don't know what this madness
is, but I'm not getting involved.
PHIL
Well, that's the point.
SUSIE
I mean, I don't know what it is
you're planning, but I'm not
bailing you out again.
PHIL
Right.
SUSIE
I'm going.
PHIL
Again.
She gets into the car and slams the door. She starts the
engine, and Phil stands back, but the car doesn't move.
After a moment the window winds down.
SUSIE
This time, I'm not coming back.
She gives him a 'so there' smile.
SUSIE (CONT'D)
I'm going to find a man who buys
his ties in bulk.
She drives away.
EXT. LARRY OSTERBERG'S HOME. DAY
Phil arrives on his trike outside a small house.
18.
INT. LARRY OSTERBERG'S HOME. DAY
A man is sitting cross-legged on the floor. A joss stick
burns beside him, and sitar music plays in the background.
This is LARRY OSTERBERG, and he is meditating. There is a
loud hammering on the door. Larry shows no sign of having
heard anything. More hammering at the door, but still no
response. Then the letter box creaks open and an eye
appears in the slot. After a moment, the eye disappears
and Phil's face appears momentarily at the window. The
window seems to be slightly higher than Phil, so his face
appears every time he jumps up to peer into the room.
PHIL
(O.S)
Hello? Anyone there?
Then Phil is gone. Larry expels a big breath. The
letterbox creaks opens again and the eye is back.
PHIL (CONT'D)
(O.S)
There you are. I'm looking for
Larry Osterberg.
Larry sighs, and stretches. He gets up slowly, gently
shakes himself to relax his muscles and walks to the door,
which he opens.
LARRY
The door is unlocked.
Phil barrels in and closes the door behind him. He turns
to take a look around the room.
PHIL
You Larry Osterberg?
LARRY
Yes. Welcome to my house.
This might be sarcastic, but any nuance is lost on Phil,
who props the guitar up against the wall.
PHIL
Very nice. What's that noise?
LARRY
Manomanjari on the sitar by
Nikhil Banerjee.
(NB. Similar music may
be used in this scene)
Phil stares at him.
19.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
(carefully)
Okay.
He pops a cigar into his mouth.
LARRY
There's no smoking in here, I'm
afraid.
Phil stares meaningfully at the burning joss stick, but
puts the cigar away.
PHIL
Right.
LARRY
Who are you, please?
PHIL
Oh, I'm Phil Kaufman.
LARRY
And how may I help you, Phil
Kaufman?
PHIL
I'd like to hire your car.
LARRY
Why?
PHIL
Well, I need to pick someone up
at the airport.
LARRY
Don't you know anyone with a car?
PHIL
Yes, of course. It's just that
I'm told your car is more
suitable.
LARRY
I see. In what way is my car
more suitable?
PHIL
Well... it's a hearse.
LARRY
Yes.
They both look at each other. Larry waits for Phil to
speak.
20.
CON TINUE D: (2)
LARRY (CONT'D)
And how is a hearse going to be
suitable for picking someone up
from the airport?
PHIL
It's... a joke.
LARRY
A joke?
He doesn't look entirely convinced.
PHIL
A prank. A surprise.
LARRY
Well, okay. Is it two hundred
dollars worth of surprise?
PHIL
No, it's more of a fifty dollar
surprise.
LARRY
I can lend you a bicycle.
Besides, the car is booked.
PHIL
Booked how?
MAN
I use it to carry equipment for a
band.
Phil pulls some cash out of his pocket and sorts through
it.
PHIL
Well, here's two hundred dollars
to unbook it. Let 'em carry
their own trombones.
Phil passes the money over. Larry starts to count it.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You don't need to count it. You
could trust me.
Larry doesn't pause counting.
LARRY
Let's see; I've never met you in
my life, you shout through my
mail slot, you want to hire my
hearse as a joke, and...
(MOR E)
21.
CON TINUE D: (3)
LAR RY (CONT'D)
you're twenty dollars short. Why
should I trust you?
PHIL
That last twenty is for gas.
Anyway - I haven't even seen the
car yet. I'm the one who's
operating on trust.
LARRY
It's a hearse. What else do you
need to know?
EXT. OUTSIDE LARRY OSTERBERG'S GARAGE. DAY
The garage doors swing open and a hearse drives out into
the sun. It is bright yellow and covered in painted
flowers. One of the side windows is broken and a headlight
hangs out. Phil's jaw drops open. Larry gets out of the
driving seat and pats the roof, proudly.
LARRY
Meet Bernice.
PHIL
Bernice?
LARRY
Bernice is a Cadillac Superior
Royale Tiara Limousine Funeral
Coach. We've got a Seven gallon
V8 engine offering three hundred
and forty bhp at four thousand
six hundred revolutions per
minute. You're looking at a
twenty one feet beauty with a one
hundred and fifty six inch
wheelbase containing a four
barrel Rochester Quadrajet
carburetor with Turbo Hydramatic
transmission. Bernice weighs
over six thousand pounds.
There is a very long silence.
PHIL
It's yellow.
LARRY
Yes, it's yellow. Bernice comes
in yellow.
PHIL
It's supposed to be black.
LARRY
But they're all black.
22.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
That might be my point.
LARRY
So how is a yellow hearse covered
with flowers less of a surprise
than a black hearse?
PHIL
I paid you two hundred dollars
for a black hearse.
LARRY
(patiently)
No, you paid me a hundred and
eighty dollars for a hearse, and
a hearse is what you've got. If
you take a long, hard look at
Bernice, you'll see that she's
one of a kind. She's big, she's
fast, she's comfortable, and
she's beautiful. But she's not
black.
They stare at each other for a moment. Then Phil sighs
deeply.
PHIL
Okay. Where are the keys?
LARRY
Why?
PHIL
I gotta go.
Larry looks from Phil to Bernice and back again.
LARRY
Oh, no. She doesn't go anywhere
without me.
Phil thinks this over.
PHIL
Okay. Well, let's boogie.
Larry runs across and closes the doors on a pile of amps
and band equipment that now sits in the garage. Phil puts
the guitar in the back seat and they get into the car.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Larry pulls a screwdriver out of the glove compartment and
jigs it about in the ignition until the engine catches.
23.
CON TINUE D:
Then he turns the keys and pull up and down to undo the
steering lock. Phil watches curiously.
LARRY
Someone stole her last summer.
PHIL
Well, I've paid top dollar, so
it's nice to see I'm getting the
best...
LARRY
How did you hear of Bernice and
me?
PHIL
You are famous throughout the
greater Los Angeles area.
Larry looks pleased.
PHIL (CONT'D)
But you are the only guy with a
hearse. Don't go getting carried
away...
EXT. LA HIGHWAY. DAY
One backfire, and Bernice is ready. The hearse weaves
erratically across the road and then disappears in a cloud
of exhaust smoke.
INT. BARBARA'S HOME. EVENING
Barbara sits at a table in her shabby kitchen, reading the
will. She lights a cigarette and sits back in her chair.
EXT. LAX. EVENING
The hearse drives under a huge sign which reads 'Welcome to
Los Angeles Airport' and peels off the main road past some
offices and cargo stores. Bernice drives into a giant
hangar and pulls up outside a dark and shuttered office.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. EVENING
Phil glances out of the window.
PHIL
Pull over.
Larry parks, and Phil looks at his watch.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Shit.
24.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
What's the matter?
PHIL
Nothing.
LARRY
Well... What flight are they on?
PHIL
We'll wait here.
LARRY
Okay. Well, what time is the
flight due?
PHIL
Soon.
LARRY
Okay. How soon?
PHIL
Why do you ask so many damn
questions?
LARRY
Well... I don't know.
There is silence. Then:
LARRY (CONT'D)
Shouldn't we be at arrivals?
PHIL
Look, will you please shut up
asking me stuff?
LARRY
Okay.
He looks out of the window, and then back at Phil, who now
has his eyes closed.
LARRY (CONT'D)
So how long are we going to wait?
Phil doesn't answer for a moment. Just as Larry opens his
mouth to ask again, Phil speaks.
PHIL
Morning.
Larry looks at Phil with astonishment.
25.
CON TINUE D: (2)
LARRY
Morning? What do you mean,
morning?
PHIL
We'll make the pick-up in the
morning.
Larry tries to start the car. Phil leans over and plucks
the screwdriver from his hand. He reclines his seat and
closes his eyes.
LARRY
You wait till morning. I'm going
home.
Larry opens the door and gets out of the car. He slams the
door shut behind him and stomps off into the gloom. Phil
doesn't move.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. EVENING - MOMENTS LATER
The drivers' door opens and Larry gets back into the car.
LARRY
I'm only back because I don't
trust you with Bernice. I don't
even know you, and if you think
I'm going to leave my car with
you and just walk away, then
you've got another thought on the
way.
He stares at Phil, who hasn't moved an inch: eyes still
closed, unlit cigar hanging out of the corner of his mouth,
feet up on the dash.
LARRY (CONT'D)
I'm staying right here. Where I
can keep an eye on things...
There is still no response from Phil. After a moment,
Larry settles back in his seat and closes his eyes.
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. NIGHT
The hearse disappears into the gloom as the light fades and
night falls.
EXT. OUTSIDE BARBARA'S HOME. MORNING
A door swings open, and Barbara appears. She is looking
quite stunning, with a tight black suit doing equal justice
to her womanly curves and her duties as a mourner. She
strides down the sidewalk, and as a group of schoolchildren
appears around the corner Barbara scatters left and right.
26.
CON TINUE D:
Then she cuts across the road, and a delivery van skids to
a halt inches away, horn blaring. The driver leans out of
the window, furious.
DRIVER
Hey, lady!
Barbara stops and whips round, her hair cascading across
her shoulders, her blue eyes flashing. The man simply
stares at her, enchanted by her beauty.
BARBARA
Yes?
He continues to stare, and is only shaken back to his
senses by a burst of abuse from further back in the road.
DRIVER
You... should be careful.
Barbara smiles.
BARBARA
Why, thank you...
INT. AIRPORT CHECK IN DESK - LAX. MORNING
Stanley is standing at the Airport Airlines check-in desk,
facing the check-in clerk.
STANLEY
Parsons.
The clerk checks her paperwork.
CHECK-IN CLERK
You've just arrived from New
Orleans, mister Parsons?
STANLEY
Yes.
CHECK-IN CLERK
And you're flying directly back
to New Orleans? On the same
plane?
STANLEY
That is correct.
The clerk awaits an explanation, but none is forthcoming.
She raises an eyebrow.
CHECK-IN CLERK
Okay. Well, enjoy your stay at
Los Angeles Airport, Mister
Parsons.
27.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
Thank you.
Stanley turns to go, but then pauses.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
I've come to pick up my son's
body.
The line behind him falls quiet, and the officious clerk
wobbles slightly. Stanley raises his voice.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
My son died out here, you see?
So I've come to bring him home.
Everyone looks at Stanley. Stanley looks at the clerk.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
I'm wondering if that's enough
information for you?
CHECK-IN CLERK
Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. We'll...
see to it that you get every
assistance on your journey, sir.
STANLEY
Most kind.
INT. BANK. MORNING
There is a line leading to the information desk, but
Barbara ignores it. She walks up to a female teller, who
is serving another customer, and cuts in.
BARBARA
I'd like to see the manager,
please.
CUSTOMER
Wait your turn.
Barbara's eyes immediately water, and her lower lip
trembles.
BARBARA
I'm sorry. It's just that the
man I loved died yesterday. I
was forgetting my manners...
She dabs at her eyes with a lace handkerchief. The
customer looks embarrassed.
CUSTOMER
I'm sorry. Please... go ahead.
28.
CON TINUE D:
Barbara fixes the teller with a no-nonsense look. The
teller responds with a similar look.
BARBARA
The manager?
EXT. MORTUARY. MORNING
A man unlocks the shutters with a clatter and goes inside.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
The sound wakes Phil, who glances around and stretches,
before getting out of the car.
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Phil walks over to the door and walks inside the mortuary.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
The clerk busies himself opening up. Phil wanders around
and knocks into a coffin. The lid bangs closed and the
sound echoes around the hangar.
CLERK
Can I help you?
PHIL
I'm here to pick up a... coffin.
The clerk looks Phil over. He's dressed in denim, with
scuffed Harley-Davidson cowboy boots, topped off with a cut-
down denim jacket with 'Sin City' stitched into the back.
CLERK
No you're not.
PHIL
Yes I am.
CLERK
No. You're here to pick up a
casket.
Phil looks irritated.
PHIL
Okay. A casket.
CLERK
What flight number?
29.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
It was due out on the next flight
to New Orleans, but I'm driving
it now. The stiff doesn't like
to fly.
The clerk stares at him.
CLERK
You're one of those funny guys,
right.
PHIL
Yeah, but it's my day off.
CLERK
Name?
PHIL
Mine or the...?
CLERK
The deceased.
Phil moves to the desk.
PHIL
Parsons.
The clerk turns and shouts over his shoulder.
CLERK
Barney - bring up Parsons.
INT. BANK - MANAGER'S OFFICE. MORNING
The Bank Manager is staring at the piece of paper.
BANK MANAGER
I simply can't give you any money
based on this piece of paper.
Barbara is totally calm.
BARBARA
It's not a piece of paper. It's
a promise from Gram to leave me
all his money.
BANK MANAGER
Well, I'm sorry, but it's highly
likely that the estate will go to
probate and be divided up
accordingly, subject to a valid
will existing.
30.
CON TINUE D:
She just looks at him. He tries again.
BANK MANAGER (CONT'D)
Mister Parsons was a customer of
ours. We can't just pass his
money across to someone who says
they're in the will. There
are... rules.
Barbara, realizing that she's getting nowhere, starts to
cry.
BARBARA
You don't seem to understand.
These are his wishes.
Barbara is now sobbing, and the bank manager is becoming
increasing uncomfortable. He gives her his handkerchief.
BANK MANAGER
No... I do... understand, Miss
Mansfield. Really I do.
BARBARA
Please tell me how I'm supposed
to get my money.
BANK MANAGER
Well I imagine that you first
need to prove that mister Parsons
is actually dead.
BARBARA
Are you saying that I'm lying?
BANK MANAGER
No, absolutely not. But getting
a copy of the death certificate
would probably be a good first
step.
INT. PLANE - LAX. MORNING
Stanley takes a swig from a hip flask and looks out of the
window. A very overweight, red-faced man squeezes into the
next seat. He bangs Stanley with his knee as he sits, but
Stanley doesn't move. He peers at Stanley and shuffles in
his seat, but there is still no reaction. Next, a deep
sigh is forced out between his fat wet lips - he is plainly
keen to start a conversation. Stanley keeps looking out of
the window. He is watching the cargo being loaded.
P. J. GAMBRELL
Paw on the space, don'tcha think?
Stanley turns slowly.
31.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
I'm sorry?
The fat man smiles and extends a chubby hand, which Stanley
shakes awkwardly and reluctantly.
P. J. GAMBRELL
P J Gambrell, at yer assistance.
Pernell Jayson. Jes' saying paw
on the space in dese buckets.
Stanley is obviously having problems fully understanding
what is being said. After a moment:
STANLEY
Stanley Parsons.
P. J. GAMBRELL
Gowna be a trip. Besta know yer
otherwise gowna be a slow one.
STANLEY
Yes. I suppose so.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
The clerk scribbles on a form.
CLERK
Papers?
PHIL
They'll be along. With this
being a rush job, they said you'd
understand.
He passes a folded banknote across. The clerk pockets it
without a change of expression.
CLERK
Well, you'd better tell them that
we've got rules.
The men stare at each other. Then Phil pulls another note
out of his pocket and passes that over. Again, the clerk
pockets it.
CLERK (CONT'D)
And this is the exception which
proves that particular rule.
A beat. Then:
CLERK (CONT'D)
Although you don't need to tell
them that.
32.
CON TINUE D:
Phil smiles broadly at him. The clerk turns and selects a
casket from a gurney behind the counter.
CLERK (CONT'D)
And this... is your deceased.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
Phil is wheeling a casket on a gurney down the middle of
the hangar. He can see Larry peering through the window at
him. He can also see a uniformed policeman approaching
Larry from the other side of the street. As he speeds up
to try and reach Larry first, the clerk calls out from his
desk.
CLERK
Good luck with her.
Phil closes his eyes and slows to a halt.
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Larry is jumping up and down nervously outside the window.
The policeman appears at his shoulder.
COP
Excuse me, sir. Is that your
hearse?
Larry turns slowly.
LARRY
Hearse?
The cop points at Bernice.
COP
That hearse.
Larry has started to sweat profusely.
LARRY
That hearse?
The cop looks at him carefully.
COP
Are you okay, sir?
LARRY
Okay? Sure...
He leans against the window for support.
33.
INT. PLANE - LAX. MORNING
Stanley is looking out of the plane's window, but the fat
man is now locked on. He gestures around him.
PJ GAMBRELL
Jes sayin' 'bout the space.
Another thoughtful pause from Stanley.
STANLEY
Yes.
He glances out at the cargo loaders.
PJ GAMBRELL
Space ma game, kinda.
Partitions. Fixed. Slidin'.
Demountable. Integrated.
STANLEY
Right.
PJ GAMBRELL
Always say. Why have one room?
When you can have two?
STANLEY
I see.
He leans forward to watch a loader wheeling a casket
towards the back of the plane.
PJ GAMBRELL
What's your bidness?
Stanley watches the coffin and doesn't answer. A tear
rolls down his face. The fat man pulls some candy out of
his pocket and takes a bite.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
Phil and the clerk peer into the open casket.
PHIL
Yup. That's a she.
CLERK
And yours is supposed to be male?
PHIL
Yeah...
The clerk walks back to the counter and peers at his
paperwork.
34.
CON TINUE D:
CLERK
Well... Gone.
PHIL
Gone? Whaddya mean, gone?
CLERK
We got the wrong box. Your box
is being loaded.
PHIL
Nice work. So how do I get my
box back?
The clerk raises an eyebrow. Phil understands immediately.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You're a damn thief.
CLERK
That's very hurtful.
Phil reluctantly hands another note over and the clerk
speaks into a radio.
CLERK (CONT'D)
Barney. You receiving?
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Larry is standing by the hearse. The cop is reading his
license.
COP
So, whatcha doin' here?
LARRY
Doing? Here?
INT. PLANE - LAX. MORNING
Stanley has his eyes closed. The fat man eats. Suddenly,
Stanley's eyes snap open and he peers out of the window. A
motorized cart chugs into view with the casket covered in a
blanket on the back. It is driving away from the plane.
STANLEY
What the hell?
He stands up and turns to the fat man.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
PJ GAMBRELL
Why?
35.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
I need to get off the plane.
The fat man reluctantly struggles to his feet and squeezes
out into the aisle.
PJ GAMBRELL
Sheesh. Only jes' got settled.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
Phil glances nervously out to where Larry is being
interrogated by the cop. The clerk is reading a paper.
PHIL
Can you speed things up?
CLERK
What's the hurry?
Phil is distracted, watching the cop and Larry out of the
window.
PHIL
I'd like to get to the Joshua
Tree while it's still light.
The clerk looks up.
CLERK
I thought you were taking him to
New Orleans?
PHIL
What?
CLERK
When you came in, you said you
were driving the casket out to
New Orleans. But just now you
said you were headed for the
Joshua Tree...
Phil is under pressure.
PHIL
Joshua Tree, yeah.
A buzzer sounds. No-one moves.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Joshua Tree, Louisiana. Just
outside the city.
CLERK
Never heard of that.
36.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
It's small. Just another local
community struggling to get by.
The buzzer goes again, and Phil attempts to change the
subject.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Use your phone?
After a moment, the clerk nods towards the phone on the
desk, before turning and disappearing into the rear of the
mortuary. Phil wipes some sweat from his forehead, picks
up the phone and dials.
INT. PHIL'S LOUNGE. MORNING
Susie is packing. The phone rings and she hesitates for a
moment. Then she continues loading her case, leaving the
phone unanswered.
INT. CHECK IN DESK. DAY
Stanley tries to ask a question at the check in desk, but
gives up and walks toward an exit.
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
The clerk returns with a casket on a gurney and Phil
replaces the receiver as the clerk flips open the top of
the casket and peers inside.
CLERK
(into casket)
Hello there. We was looking for
you.
He wheels the casket over and Phil has a quick look inside.
CLERK (CONT'D)
Need you to sign for it again.
Phil signs the papers.
CLERK (CONT'D)
Looks like it's your lucky day
after all.
PHIL
Yeah. I'm a real lucky guy.
Phil again glances out of the window.
37.
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
The cop is wandering around the hearse. Larry trails
behind him, disconsolately.
COP
I don't like the look of you.
LARRY
(miserably)
No. Fair enough.
COP
Wherever there's a hippie there's
a crime, even if it hasn't
happened yet. That's what I
always say.
LARRY
Right. Good saying.
He prods at the broken light with his baton.
COP
So whatcha doing here?
LARRY
We're meeting someone off a
flight.
COP
You're meeting someone off a
flight?
LARRY
Yes.
COP
In a hearse?
LARRY
Yes. It's a... surprise.
COP
Which parts the surprise: The
fact that you're in a bright
yellow hearse, the fact that
you're dressed like something out
of a horror film, or the fact
that you're half a mile from the
terminal and they're gonna have
to walk across two runways to
reach you?
Larry is looking increasingly desperate.
38.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
Well... the first part.
The cop nods and repeats it to himself.
COP
The first part.
They stare at each other.
COP (CONT'D)
Okay, now why don't you tell me
what the hell's going on?
LARRY
Going on?
They stare at each other. The cop shifts position and
purses his lips. Larry stares at the ground looking for
some kind of inspiration. Just when the silence moves
beyond uncomfortable, the door of the mortuary opens and
Phil clatters out with the casket.
PHIL
Well, I don't care if it is first
thing in the morning - but I sure
need a coffee. I tell you, I've
never seen so many darned bits of
paper to sign! It's paperwork
which is slowing this great
country down. We're drowning in
triplicate!
He's busying himself at the back of the hearse, and appears
to notice the cop for the first time.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Good morning officer.
The cop peers at him suspiciously.
COP
Mornin'.
PHIL
I was just saying how people with
work to do - people like
yourself, officer - are just
getting engulfed by paper. Grab
the end, will you? Doesn't that
just drive you plain crazy?
The cop hesitates and then takes the end of the casket and
helps load it into the hearse.
39.
CON TINUE D: (2)
COP
I guess it does.
Phil gestures at Larry to get into the car, which he does.
PHIL
One casket, six sheets to sign.
Six! That can't be right. Does
that sound right to you?
He closes the back doors and gets into the passenger seat.
COP
Nope. Sure don't.
PHIL
And the very last thing I want to
do is to hold you up further with
my chatter. Thank you for your
help, officer. You have a good
day, now.
It looks like they've got away with it. But:
COP
Just a moment, boys.
Phil smiles up at him.
PHIL
Yessir?
COP
Your sidekick here has just
finished telling me that you're
gonna pick someone up from the
terminal. A surprise, he said.
And here you are loading a coffin
into your vehicle...
Phil doesn't miss a beat.
PHIL
And there you have it, officer.
You see the gentleman we're
meeting from the plane doesn't
yet know about the sad passing of
his... aunt.
COP
And you're gonna meet him off his
flight with her coffin?
He raises an eyebrow.
40.
CON TINUE D: (3)
COP (CONT'D)
That's a real nice touch.
PHIL
Yeah. We're doing it this way
for the avoidance of doubt.
He gestures at Larry to start the car. Larry pulls out the
screwdriver and starts to jig it about in the ignition.
The cop watches. As the engine refuses to catch, Larry
starts to panic.
LARRY
Ignition's a bit temperamental.
COP
Right.
More fiddling. No ignition.
LARRY
Have to use a screwdriver.
COP
I see that.
The car starts.
PHIL
Thanks for everything, officer.
We'd best be off...
He looks meaningfully at the cop, who grudgingly moves
back. As they move off, Stanley hurries round the corner
with his overnight bag in his hand.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Inside the car, Phil bangs on the dashboard in joy and
exultation.
PHIL
Yes! We did it!!
LARRY
Did what? What did we do?
Phil changes the subject.
PHIL
What was all that babbling about
earlier?
LARRY
I didn't babble. I just... have
a problem with authority.
41.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
What the hell does that mean?
LARRY
I don't like them and I don't
know what to say to them. They
make me feel uneasy.
PHIL
Well of course they make you feel
uneasy. They're supposed to make
you feel uneasy.
Larry sulks. Phil shakes his head and glances back at the
cop and Larry crashes the car straight into the hangar
wall.
EXT. OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
We pull back to reveal the enormous opening that Larry has
missed.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
They both sit there, staring out of the windshield at the
wall.
PHIL
You hit the wall.
LARRY
I clipped it. I clipped the
wall.
PHIL
(shouts)
There's a gap fifty yards wide!
You just had to aim for the gap.
How could you miss the gap?
LARRY
(babbles)
I was distracted. We're supposed
to be picking someone up and you
arrive with a coffin and I'd only
just woken up and...
The cop peers in at the window and gestures at Phil to wind
it down. As he does, the glass falls out.
PHIL
Hello, officer. I guess they
make these hearses wider than
they need to...
The cop ignores him and concentrates on Larry.
42.
CON TINUE D:
COP
Are you on drugs, boy?
Larry swallows hard.
LARRY
Uh, not at this time, no sir.
COP
Not at this time. Okay, well
let's see. You just missed a gap
of fifty yards and hit a wall in
broad daylight. Why was that?
Larry licks his lips.
LARRY
Well...
Pause. Phil wills him to speak.
PHIL
Well...
Still nothing. Larry looks like he's trying to form words,
but nothing emerges.
COP
Now I'm gonna...
The radio in his car crackles into life. We - and he - are
too far away to hear what is said. He is torn for a
moment, but then:
COP (CONT'D)
Wait.
He walks back to his car. Phil shakes his head.
PHIL
Fantastic. Well done.
LARRY
Oh, right. So it's all my fault?
PHIL
You... you just drove into a
wall! Of course it's your fault.
Jesus!
They both stare out of the window at the cop, who is
talking animatedly into his radio. Then the flashing
lights and siren go on.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Here it comes...
43.
CON TINUE D: (2)
The police car drives up to, and then past, the hearse,
before disappearing out of the hanger at speed. Phil and
Larry look at each other.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Well?
LARRY
Well what?
PHIL
Well, what are we doing now?
LARRY
He said to wait.
Phil just stares at him. After a moment, Larry reverses
Bernice and then drives the battered car through the gap
and out of the hangar. Phil slumps back in his seat.
PHIL
Nice going, hippie. Went right
through the gap that time.
Larry says nothing. Phil leans back in his seat.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Well, we got it. Whoooh!!!
Larry slams the brakes on and the huge car skids to a halt
in a cloud of dust. Phil is flung forward in his seat.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Jesus... What now?
LARRY
Get out.
PHIL
What are you talking about?
He looks nervously out of the back window.
PHIL (CONT'D)
C'mon, we gotta keep moving.
LARRY
Get out and take your friend with
you.
PHIL
Look, I can see you're a bit...
sensitive about this whole...
casket thing.
44.
CON TINUE D: (3)
LARRY
Get out.
PHIL
(shouts)
Stop saying that! I can't get
out.
LARRY
Why not?
PHIL
I... look, it's not right to
throw me out onto the street with
a coffin.
Larry slips the car into gear and it moves forward.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Thank God.
Larry makes a U-turn.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?
LARRY
I'm driving back to the mortuary.
PHIL
You can't do that.
Nearly at the turn now. Phil opens the car door with a
mind to jump out, but one look at the fast-moving road
changes his mind. He glowers at Larry and shuts the door.
The hearse skids round the corner, Larry slams on the
brakes and the car slides to a halt outside the mortuary.
LARRY
Talk.
PHIL
What talk?
Larry gestures towards the back of the car.
LARRY
Who's the stiff?
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
The clerk is standing at the counter staring at Stanley.
CLERK
Parsons?
45.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
Parsons.
The clerk looks worried.
CLERK
Long blond hair, blue eyes, mid-
twenties?
STANLEY
Well... yes.
CLERK
Was he in a Berkeley?
STANLEY
What's a Berkeley?
CLERK
A luxury casket of solid
mahogany, finished with a split-
hinged lid, eight brass plated
casket handles and an engraved
inscription plate.
INT. LA DEPARTMENT OF BIRTHS MARRIAGES & DEATHS. MORNING
Barbara is sitting in a cubicle opposite a middle-aged
woman in a suit. Her allure appears lost on the official,
who gives the dress a disapproving look.
BARBARA
Parsons.
OFFICIAL
Parsons. And he's a... musician?
She says 'musician' with great distaste.
BARBARA
Was. He was a musician.
The woman flicks through some papers on her desk. Barbara
watches her. Eventually:
OFFICIAL
I'm afraid we have no official
notification of death.
With a flourish, Barbara places a copy of the LA Times on
the table. The headline is 'Country-Rock Pioneer Dead' in
large black print. The official glances at it and gives a
thin smile.
46.
CON TINUE D:
OFFICIAL (CONT'D)
At this current time, the Greater
Los Angeles registrar of Births,
Marriages and Deaths does not
regard the local newspaper as an
official recorder of record.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Larry is staring at Phil. Waiting.
PHIL
Can we please talk about this
later? This is not a great place
to be right now.
Larry moves to get out of the car. Phil grabs his arm.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Oh, just a minute. Now I
understand... You think there's a
body back there.
He starts to laugh.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You think there's a body in the
coffin!
Larry watches him laugh. Phil catches the look and stops
laughing.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I can fully understand why you'd
think that. I mean, it is a
coffin and all. But would I -
would I really - steal a real
live dead body?
INT. MORTUARY. MORNING
Stanley and the clerk are staring at each other.
STANLEY
You just gave the body away?
CLERK
Well, it's not like this is a
bank. People round here don't
generally take dead bodies
they're not entitled to.
STANLEY
Why did you give it to him?
47.
CON TINUE D:
CLERK
Well, he signed for it.
STANLEY
Who signed for it?
The clerk peers at his paperwork. When he eventually
speaks, it is wearily.
CLERK
John Nobody.
STANLEY
And where do I find this John
Nobody?
The clerk's attention switches to a point just above
Stanley's shoulder. He points out through the window to
where the hearse is parked over a hundred yards away.
CLERK
There.
INT. HEARSE - OUTSIDE MORTUARY. MORNING
Larry is staring at Phil.
LARRY
Empty?
PHIL
Absolutely, completely, totally.
LARRY
It looked pretty heavy, for an
empty casket.
PHIL
They are made of finest...
poplar. That's very heavy wood.
LARRY
Poplar? No way? Mahogany, or
oak, but not...
PHIL
Look, I'm not going to argue with
you now. Poplar is very well
suited to the making of coffins.
Larry stares hard at Phil. We see the door of the mortuary
open over Larry's shoulder and Stanley and the clerk
emerge. Then:
48.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
Okay. So why have we got an
empty coffin in the back of the
car?
Phil glances at the approaching Stanley.
PHIL
I'm... selling them on to a
company in Palm Springs. Lots of
stiffs, lots of money. And then
of course, it's very
environmentally sound. And...
look, under the circumstances,
perhaps we should renegotiate the
financial arrangement between us.
Larry still stares at Phil. Stanley is almost at the car.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Fifty-fifty? That baby's worth
two grand.
Stanley is getting ever closer. Phil can see him in his
wing mirror. Larry releases the safety brake and the giant
car roars away, leaving Stanley standing in a cloud of
dust.
INT. LA DEPARTMENT OF BIRTHS MARRIAGES & DEATHS. MORNING
Barbara picks up the newspaper and rips it into pieces,
which she scatters onto the desk. She walks towards the
door.
OFFICIAL
Don't forget now...
Barbara keeps walking.
OFFICIAL (CONT'D)
Notification of death.
Barbara is gone, the door slamming behind her.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Larry drives. Phil is still pitching. They are driving
alongside the airport runway.
PHIL
So then Bobby transfers 'em into
hardboard boxes just prior to the
cremation and I drive the caskets
over to a guy I know in Palm
Springs who resells them.
49.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
As new?
PHIL
Well I'm not sure the 'one
careful owner' thing works with
coffins.
LARRY
The whole thing is completely
immoral.
PHIL
Yeah, well. I saw how outraged
you were back there, when I
mentioned money. Just think of
it as recycling.
LARRY
Look, I really need to get home.
PHIL
Why?
LARRY
I just... do.
Larry is sweating.
PHIL
Well, while I acknowledge the
power of your argument, we have
to be somewhere else. So just
settle back and enjoy the ride.
Larry slows the car down.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What now?
LARRY
Gas now.
Larry pulls the car onto a Gas station forecourt.
EXT. GAS STATION FORECOURT. DAY
An attendant is filling Bernice. He looks Phil over.
ATTENDANT
You an undertaker?
PHIL
Sure am.
50.
CON TINUE D:
ATTENDANT
Ain't yer surposed to be in
black?
PHIL
Nope. We're special rock 'n roll
undertakers. Musical morticians.
INT. REST ROOM - GAS STATION. DAY
Larry is sitting on the toilet seat - still fully dressed
but bent double with cramps. Then Phil bangs on the door
and calls from outside.
PHIL
(O.S)
C'mon, hippie - let's roll.
Larry turns to look at his reflection in the grimy mirror.
He is shaking.
EXT. GAS STATION FORECOURT. DAY
The tank is full, and the attendant screws the cap back on.
Phil reaches into the back and pulls out his jerry can. He
passes it to the guy.
PHIL
High test.
ATTENDANT
This car runs on regular.
Phil raises an eyebrow, glances across at the casket, and
winks.
PHIL
Who says it's for the car?
The man gapes at him. Larry walks over to the car and Phil
gets into the passenger seat. He passes some money to the
attendant and takes the can.
ATTENDANT
Ain't fer the car?
PHIL
Nope.
Larry jiggles the screwdriver, slips Bernice into gear, and
they're gone. The attendant watches them go.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Larry is driving, Phil is looking out of the window. They
are still in a built up area with cars around them.
51.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
We could go back.
PHIL
Why would we want to do that?
LARRY
I wasn't expecting a long trip.
I haven't packed any spare
clothes. We could pick up some
supplies and drive out tomorrow.
PHIL
You want to go home to pick up
fresh clothes?
LARRY
Well, yes.
Phil stares at him.
PHIL
And then drive back out tomorrow?
LARRY
We could do that.
PHIL
Just drive the car, okay?
LARRY
We could just...
PHIL
No.
LARRY
It would...
PHIL
No.
LARRY
I...
PHIL
No.
INT. BARBARA'S HOME. DAY
Barbara is standing in her sitting room, the phone to her
ear.
BARBARA
You might need to repeat that.
52.
CON TINUE D:
Her mouth drops open and she sinks down onto her couch.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Stolen? What the hell do you
mean, stolen? Who steals a body?
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil is smoking. Larry is driving, his fingers tapping
nervously on the wheel. He looks distracted and speaks to
break the silence.
LARRY
I still don't fully understand
what you do.
PHIL
Well, I do everything.
LARRY
Everything?
PHIL
This little number is for
drinking money. By trade I'm a
Road Manager.
LARRY
Oh, one of those. Like a well-
paid gopher.
PHIL
No, not like a well-paid gopher.
I'm responsible for movement,
maintenance and management. I'm
a confidante and a companion, a
partner and a patron, an ally,
agent and ambassador. I'm like
an executive nanny. Not a
gopher.
Larry backs down with hint of sarcasm
LARRY
An executive nanny, not a gopher.
Thanks for clearing that up.
EXT. 10 FREEWAY. LA. DAY
Bernice cruises along the freeway then takes an exit for
Joshua tree.
INT. MORTUARY. DAY
Stanley and the clerk are standing just inside the hangar
door.
53.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
So where are the cops?
The clerk pulls the money out of his top pocket and looks
at it. He shrugs his shoulders.
CLERK
I called them.
STANLEY
There's supposed to be a funeral
in New Orleans. I need to find
my boy.
CLERK
New Orleans?
Clerk points into the distance.
CLERK (CONT'D)
The man said he's going to Joshua
Tree, Louisiana.
STANLEY
Joshua Tree?
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Susie is moving her suitcases into the sitting room when
there is a banging on the front door. Susie opens the door
and Barbara is standing outside.
BARBARA
Where's the son of a bitch?
SUSIE
The son of a bitch isn't here.
BARBARA
Well, he's stolen Gram.
Susie looks bemused.
SUSIE
Stolen Gram?
Barbara lights a cigarette.
BARBARA
They had some kind of weird pact.
I think Phil's taken Gram out to
the desert.
SUSIE
Why?
54.
CON TINUE D:
BARBARA
Some kind of voodoo thing with
hot wax and dolls to stick pins
in.
SUSIE
Don't be ridiculous.
Barbara glances down at the packed bags and smiles.
BARBARA
Now that is a wise move, if you
ask me.
SUSIE
I didn't ask you.
EXT. MELON STALL. DAY
The hearse is parked by the side of the road, near a
rickety stall where an old lady sits, selling melons.
Larry sits inside and Phil walks to a phone by the side of
the road. He dials.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
The girls are still arguing.
BARBARA
You'll learn about Phil Kaufman.
If you stick around long enough.
SUSIE
And you know him?
BARBARA
I know he's a brainless,
interfering asshole, yes.
SUSIE
I don't need to listen to this
garbage.
The phone starts to ring. Susie instinctively moves
towards it, then stops. Barbara watches carefully.
BARBARA
That's him, isn't it?
SUSIE
Generally, it's best to answer
the phone to discover who's
calling.
She still makes no move to answer it.
55.
CON TINUE D:
BARBARA
Fine.
She walks across the room and picks up the phone.
EXT. MELON STALL. DAY
Phil is holding the phone.
PHIL
Hello baby, it's the love
machine. How are ya?
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Barbara smiles unpleasantly.
BARBARA
Hello Kaufman. I know what
you're up to, you thieving
bastard. I know where you're
going, and I know about your
sick, revolting plans, and I'm
coming after you. And when I
catch you...
EXT. MELON STALL. DAY
Phil looks surprised.
PHIL
Hello Barbara. How nice to hear
from you again. And so soon...
Suddenly the door of the hearse flies open and Larry runs
out. Phil holds the phone away from his ear as Barbara's
shouting can be heard coming out of the receiver. He
watches as Larry just makes it to a cactus and is violently
sick. He glances across to where the old melon woman
watches, expressionless, from her stall. After a moment,
Larry wipes himself down and walks back to the car.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry Barb, gotta go.
He goes to replace the receiver, and then pops in a last
comment.
PHIL (CONT'D)
It's been real, though.
He puts the phone down, cutting off Barbara's squawk and
watches Larry get into the hearse. He frowns.
56.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
Barbara slams the phone down. Then she picks up the
receiver again and smashes it onto the table.
BARBARA
Sonofabitch!
She walks to the door, brushing past Susie. Then she
stops.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Okay, honey. Do you want to see
who Phil Kaufman really is? Do
you want to see what he's capable
of?
Barbara shows Susie the door.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Or maybe you already know I'm
right.
Susie hesitantly dismisses the challenge.
SUSIE
You don't know shit about him.
BARBARA
Well why don't we find out?
Barbara turns and walks out. Susie looks at her packed
bags then follows.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil gets into the hearse, looks back at the coffin and
sniffs. He looks down at the air conditioning and turns it
up full. Larry starts the engine and the car stalls.
PHIL
So what's that about?
LARRY
Sunstroke.
Phil shakes his head.
PHIL
You've hardly left the car since
we met. How can you have
sunstroke?
LARRY
I'm susceptible.
57.
CON TINUE D:
Phil doesn't look convinced.
PHIL
You're a winner, that's what you
are. A winner...
Eventually, the engine catches. Phil immediately gestures
at a small road that heads off into the desert.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Turn off here.
LARRY
This isn't the way to Palm
Springs.
Phil winks at him.
PHIL
It is if you're a coffin
smuggler.
EXT. HIGHWAY. DAY
The old woman watches them go.
START TIME
LAPSE:
We stay on the old woman and her melon stall as the light
rapidly changes, cars and pedestrians whizz by, and an hour
passes in moments.
END TIME LAPSE.
As we slow to normal speed, a car drives past, stops, and
reverses back to park by the stall.
EXT. MELON STALL. DAY
Stanley gets out of the Avis/Budget hire car.
STANLEY
Good afternoon.
OLD WOMAN
Hello.
He points at a melon.
STANLEY
I'll take that one, please.
OLD WOMAN
Fifty cents.
58.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
I was wondering... Have you seen
a hearse pass this way in the
last couple of hours?
OLD WOMAN
What's it look like?
The question throws Stanley.
STANLEY
Well... It... It's a big car. A
big yellow car. Two guys inside.
OLD WOMAN
Was one of 'em sick in them
bushes?
STANLEY
Well... I don't know. Maybe.
The old woman nods.
OLD WOMAN
Yup. I seen it.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Larry drives and talks, Phil looks tense.
LARRY
See, the Yin is the negative -
the darkside. And the Yang
represents positive - good. If
you like, the first is earth and
the second heaven.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HEARSE. DAY - A LITTLE LATER
Larry still talks. Phil now looks bored.
LARRY
The Yin Yang symbol is really
evocative about the whole
concept. As you travel around
the circle, white or black will
increase until the opposite color
is almost gone. But never
totally gone, right? And this
cycle then repeats for the
opposite color.
DISSOLVE TO:
59.
INT. HEARSE. DAY - A LITTLE LATER
Larry still talks, glancing across to Phil to make his
point every now and then. Phil is tossing a cigarette into
the air and trying to catch it between his teeth.
LARRY
What seems like Yin is often
supported by Yang, and vice
versa. Let me give you an
example: To truly know good, you
must first know evil, and without
good as a comparison, nothing can
be evil. So by allowing Yin to
flourish, you welcome Yan. By
letting go of Yin, you are
waiting for its return. Another
example is...
There is a crash, and the car slams to a halt. Larry is
thrown forward, but manages to grab the wheel. Phil is not
so lucky, and catapults into the dashboard, before being
thrown back into his seat, the crumpled cigarette still
gripped between his teeth.
EXT. HIGHWAY. DAY
Bernice has driven into a road sign set into a concrete
pillar. In fact, the sign that Bernice has driven into is
the only thing anywhere near the road for miles in any
direction.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil is dazed. He checks his forehead, which is bleeding.
Then he gazes out at the desolate road and the solitary,
buckled sign.
PHIL
It would be really nice if we
could get through a couple of
hours without crashing the car.
LARRY
I was distracted.
Phil looks out of the window at the vast expanse of nothing
but desert.
PHIL
Of course you were.
60.
CON TINUE D:
There is a faint noise. Larry hears it first and then Phil
and then, as they strain to identify it, they see a tiny
dot on the road ahead of them, which grows and grows as
they watch it, and they peer hard into the wind to identify
it and... it's a motorcycle cop.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I don't believe it. Middle of
nowhere, and... quick - stand in
front of the car!
EXT. HIGHWAY. DAY
They jump out of the car and shuffle sideways, until they
are standing in front of the actual point of collision.
LARRY
What now?
PHIL
Pretend we're having a
conversation.
The buckled sign hangs dangerously above them as they both
grin at the approaching policeman in a friendly manner.
LARRY
Okay. What about?
PHIL
I don't know what about! Ever
since I met you, you've talked.
Yabba, yabba, yabba, every waking
minute. Religion, your
supersonic, supercharged car, the
darkside. Now you need to talk,
and you can't think of anything
to say.
The cop slows down but drives past. Phil waves at him.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Whatever your damn fool religion
is called, I think it works.
LARRY
Well... it's more a philosophy
than a religion.
The cop does a U-turn and motors towards them.
PHIL
Oh, well done. Good work.
He shoots a vicious look at Larry. The cop parks his bike
and removes his helmet.
61.
CON TINUE D:
As he opens his mouth to speak, a headlight falls off the
car and rolls off the road. They all watch it go.
MOTORCYCLE COP
Afternoon.
PHIL
Afternoon, officer. How's it
going today?
The sign gives an ominous creak. Larry takes a sideways
step, out of danger.
MOTORCYCLE COP
Oh, it's going fine, thank you.
How are things with you?
PHIL
Fine, fine. We just... stopped
to take a look at...
He waves his arm at the desert.
PHIL (CONT'D)
...the fine view you folks have
got around here.
The cop takes his sunglasses off and takes a look around,
as if it's the first time he's seen it.
MOTORCYCLE COP
Well, it is mighty nice around
these parts. If you like desert.
They all look appreciatively at the desert, and the cop
glances down at the keys in Larry's hand.
MOTORCYCLE COP (CONT'D)
(to Larry)
And how are things with you
today, sir?
Larry looks flustered.
LARRY
Ooooh, I'm well. Really well,
actually. Thank you.
The cop doesn't respond, just keeps looking at Larry with a
pleasant half-smile on his face.
MOTORCYCLE COP
The reason I ask, is that you
appear to have driven into one of
our road signs.
62.
CON TINUE D: (2)
Larry turns and appears to see the huge buckled pole for
the first time.
LARRY
Oh.
MOTORCYCLE COP
I'm surprised that you hadn't
noticed earlier, as it does
appear to be impeding your
forward progress.
Phil starts to laugh.
PHIL
That's a great line...
The cop turns to Phil. He is still smiling.
MOTORCYCLE COP
Thank you.
A long pause. Then:
MOTORCYCLE COP (CONT'D)
I wonder if you gentlemen can
help me?
PHIL
Anything.
MOTORCYCLE COP
I'm looking for some fellows who
stole a body back there at the
airport.
Larry wobbles with shock.
LARRY
A body? Stole a body?
MOTORCYCLE COP
A body. Rather like the one in
the back of your car.
LARRY
That's an empty coffin, officer.
The cop ignores him. Phil lights his cigar.
63.
CON TINUE D: (3)
MOTORCYCLE COP
I know it sounds strange. But
these guys - there are two of
them - they stole a body, loaded
it into the back of an old yellow
hearse painted with flowers, and
they're supposed to be driving
out this way.
Larry thinks hard.
LARRY
Hearse. Flowers.
He looks to Phil for support. Phil raises an eyebrow.
PHIL
I think he's onto us, Larry.
He's just having a little fun at
our expense.
The cop is no longer smiling.
MOTORCYCLE COP
In the car, please.
Phil opens the door and empty beer bottles cascade out into
the road. They get into the car and the cop cuffs them
together through the steering wheel and takes the car keys.
Then he walks back over to his bike and starts to talk into
the radio.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil closes his eyes and shakes his head.
PHIL
God damn!
LARRY
He said a body. He said we stole
a body.
Phil opens his eyes.
PHIL
He meant a coffin.
LARRY
He didn't say 'coffin'. He said
'body'. Tell me we haven't
stolen a real person.
64.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
Look, the place that I get the
coffins from probably haven't
filed a report yet. It'll all be
sorted out within the hour.
Trust me.
LARRY
Oh, I'm just overflowing with
trust for you, man. I feel this
overwhelming feeling of... trust
every time I look at you.
He shakes his head.
LARRY (CONT'D)
I'm gonna check inside that box
just as soon as we're out of
here.
They both stare out of the window. Phil bangs the cuffs
against the wheel.
PHIL
Jesus!
They sit glowering out of different windows at different
bits of desert. The motorcycle cop can be heard talking
into his radio.
LARRY
What are we going to do?
PHIL
Time.
LARRY
What?
PHIL
(bitterly)
We're going to be arrested,
that's what we're going to do.
Then we'll go to court and then
we'll go to jail and we'll do
that for a while.
Larry mulls this over.
LARRY
What about if I could slip out of
these cuffs?
Phil treats the theoretical question with indifference.
65.
CON TINUE D: (2)
PHIL
Yeah, that would be great. Then
we could suspend you from a
bridge in a straitjacket and set
the rope on fire.
LARRY
No, really. I really can slip
these cuffs.
He has Phil's attention now.
PHIL
Okay. Show me.
Larry pops his middle finger out of its socket, squeezes
his hand and slides it out of the handcuff. He hands the
other cuff to Phil, who stares at him in astonishment.
LARRY
Do you think we should go?
PHIL
Yes, I think we should go.
Larry starts the car. He throws it into reverse and the
bumper slowly disengages from the metal signpost. Suddenly
the car tears loose and flies backwards, smashing into the
cop's motorcycle, leaving him holding the radio and its
trailing wire. Larry slams on the brakes.
LARRY
Oh shit.
PHIL
Nicely done.
He rolls down his window and addresses the cop, who is
staring with horror at his ruined motorcycle.
PHIL (CONT'D)
We'll be moving on, now that your
sign no longer appears to be
impeding our forward progress.
Bernice accelerates away but slowly starts to turn in a
wide ark and circles the smashed bike. The cop chases
them.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil screams at Larry.
PHIL
What the hell are you doing?
66.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
The steering lock is on.
PHIL
Well... turn it off!
LARRY
I can't - he's got the keys.
Phil turns to watch the chasing policeman.
PHIL
So, we've escaped but we can only
drive in a circle?
LARRY
Yes.
EXT. DESERT. DAY
They do another circuit. The exhausted cop stops,
breathing heavily, and then watches in astonishment as the
hearse turns and heads back towards him.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil and Larry stare at the policeman out of the window as
the car sweeps past. The cop gets his gun out of his
holster, and Phil reaches into the glove box and pulls out
the screwdriver. He leans across Larry, jams it into the
wheel column, and snaps the steering lock in two. The
hearse's direction immediately changes.
PHIL
Can we please go?
LARRY
Okay.
EXT. DESERT. DAY
The hearse roars away and the cop watches it go.
INT. BARBARA'S CAR. DAY
Barbara drives and Susie sits in the passenger seat. It
doesn't look as if they've spoken for hours.
SUSIE
If you hate Phil so much, why are
you chasing him across
California?
BARBARA
He's got Gram and I need him.
67.
CON TINUE D:
SUSIE
Well, that's really touching.
But... you've got to come to
terms with the fact that he's
dead.
Barbara shoots her a withering look.
BARBARA
I know he's dead, Honey. But he
hasn't been officially
identified, and there's no
certificate of death.
SUSIE
I don't understand.
BARBARA
Let's just say I'm overly
sentimental, okay?
SUSIE
This is all about money, isn't
it?
BARBARA
Isn't everything?
SUSIE
Why do you think you deserve
anything?
BARBARA
I was a great support to Gram
before Kaufman came along and
spoiled the party.
SUSIE
Phil's not responsible for your
problems with Gram.
BARBARA
What do you know?
SUSIE
I know that he can be a pain in
the ass, but when it came to
Gram, Phil only ever did the
right thing.
BARBARA
In his whole life, Phil Kaufman
didn't do anything because it was
the right thing to do. You can
bet the ranch that wherever he
is, he's having some fun.
68.
CON TINUE D: (2)
SUSIE
Maybe that's what I like about
him.
BARBARA
Sure it is, honey. That's why
your bags were packed.
SUSIE
Have you any idea what it's like
to really love someone?
Barbara laughs.
BARBARA
You might exclusively love Phil
Kaufman - but unfortunately, so
does he. You're just handy to
have around.
SUSIE
I don't have to listen to this.
Susie leans over, grabs the safety brake and pulls it up
hard. The car swerves and skids to a stop.
SUSIE (CONT'D)
Okay, you vindictive bitch. I'm
going with you to Joshua Tree
because my life seems to have
been turned upside down and I
want to know why. But you don't
know me and I won't let you judge
me. Do it again and I'll smash
that pretty little face of yours
off the fucking road. Got it?
Barbara dismisses her anger with a tight little smile.
BARBARA
The truth can hurt, can't it?
INT. HEARSE. DAY - LATER
Phil finishes his beer, rubs his eyes and slumps back in
his seat. He looks terrible, but not as bad as Larry who
is pasty and sweating.
LARRY
Well, that's it! They're going
to lock me up and throw away the
key.
PHIL
Why would they do that?
69.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
You saw what happened. I drove
over that cop's bike. That's
destruction of police property,
or something.
PHIL
You worry too much.
LARRY
Not 'til I met you...
Phil finishes his beer and peers at the empty bottle. Then
something catches his eye and he leans forward in his seat.
PHIL
Jesus - what the hell is that?
A large plaster dinosaur appears ahead.
LARRY
It's a dinosaur.
PHIL
Very perceptive. What's it
doing?
As they get nearer, they can see that the huge model is
carrying a sign.
LARRY
(reads)
'The Polyonax Place'.
(aside: to Phil)
A Polyonax is probably some kind
of dinosaur.
Phil shoots him a look.
LARRY (CONT'D)
(reads)
'Dinoburgers, Reptile Steaks and
Primeval Soup. Titanosaurion
portions, prehistoric pricing.
Liquor served'.
PHIL
Pull over - let's... eat.
LARRY
Let's not. The cops'll be after
us and we should just get on to
Palm Springs and do the thing,
and then I can get home and you
can... do whatever it is you do.
Let's do that.
70.
CON TINUE D: (2)
PHIL
We need to stop. I'm starting to
get hungry. I'm not nice hungry.
LARRY
You surprise me. I vote we keep
going.
PHIL
What gave you the impression this
was a democracy?
EXT. POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
The hearse pulls up around the back of the building, and
parks in a place that is hidden from the road. Phil gets
out and stretches. He is joined by Larry, and they both
peer round the side of the building to check that they have
not been observed. Then they walk towards the entrance.
EXT. DESERT ROAD. DAY
A Police Car with siren blaring and lights flashing speeds
past on the road.
INT. KITCHEN - THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
We are with a short-order cook. He expertly flips a burger
from a hotplate and adds it to a plate overflowing with
bacon, sausage and fries. He slips this plate onto a tray
on which there is a second plate containing two pieces of
plain bread and some lettuce. He dings a bell and a waiter
enters and picks up the tray. We move with the tray as he
carries it from the kitchen and into the dining area. He
stops at the bar to load three foaming glasses of beer and
a glass of water onto the tray, and delivers it to Phil and
Larry, who are sitting in a window booth. Larry has his
head resting on the table. He lifts it as soon as the food
arrives.
PHIL
You frighten him.
LARRY
I do not.
PHIL
Everyone else, he announces the
food when he brings it.
Diplodocus this and Allosaurus
that. Us he just slaps it down
and runs for cover.
They both look at Larry's bread and lettuce.
71.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL (CONT'D)
It's probably the rabbit food.
LARRY
Look, I'm a vegetarian. I have a
problem with dead flesh. Okay?
PHIL
I understand. Really I do. That
stuff'll mess you right up every
time.
Phil picks up the first beer and downs it in one go.
INT. STANLEY'S CAR. DAY.
Stanley is driving along the road. He puts his hand in his
pocket, takes out his hip flask, pops the lid and goes to
take a drink. It's empty. Then he notices the dinosaur.
INT. THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
Phil pushes his full plate away and finishes off the third
beer. He gets up. Larry notices he hasn't eaten anything.
LARRY
I thought you were hungry.
Phil ignores him.
PHIL
Gotta make a call.
He glances around and then walks over to the bar.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey man, where's the phone?
BARMAN
Out back.
He jerks his head by way of direction. Phil wanders off
just as the door opens and Stanley walks in.
STANLEY
Good afternoon.
BARMAN
Yup.
STANLEY
Do you have a telephone I might
use?
BARMAN
In a minute, I do.
72.
CON TINUE D:
STANLEY
In a minute?
BARMAN
Yeah. Phone's for customers.
Stanley looks confused. Then he understands.
STANLEY
I'd better order, then.
BARMAN
Right.
Stanley picks up a menu.
INT. 'OUT BACK' - THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
Phil dials a number on the phone.
INT. PHIL'S SITTING ROOM. DAY
The sitting room is empty. The phone rings. And rings.
INT. 'OUT BACK' - THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
When it becomes clear that no one is going to answer, Phil
replaces the receiver and walks back into the diner. He
pushes past Stanley as he goes to the bar.
INT. THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
Phil joins Larry and puts a bag of beers on the table.
LARRY
Speak to her?
PHIL
Who?
LARRY
Your girlfriend? Your wife?
PHIL
None of your damn business.
LARRY
So you didn't?
A pause.
PHIL
No.
73.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
Maybe she's out. Shopping, or
something.
Phil pours the rest of his beer down his throat, before
signaling the barman to serve him another.
PHIL
Yeah, that'll be it. Shopping.
He raises an eyebrow at Larry. Behind him, we see Stanley
walk in and take a seat at the bar.
STANLEY
(to barman)
Beer.
The barman gives Stanley his beer.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
Would you put a scotch in there,
please?
BARMAN
Sure.
He pours the spirit in.
BARMAN (CONT'D)
Bad day?
Stanley rubs the top of his head.
STANLEY
Yeaaaaah. Yeah, a real bad day.
BARMAN
What happened?
STANLEY
My boy died out here the other
day, and some punks have stolen
his body.
Stanley reaches for his pocket. The barman puts his hand
up to refuse the money.
BARMAN
That's worth a shot on the house.
The barman tips a little more scotch into the beer.
STANLEY
Thanks.
74.
CON TINUE D: (2)
Stanley takes a drink. Phil slips some money on the bar
and stands up.
PHIL
(to Larry)
We gotta go.
Larry is listening to the conversation.
LARRY
Haven't finished my drink.
BARMAN
(to Stanley)
Why would someone steal a body?
Phil picks up the glass of water and drinks it down.
PHIL
All gone. C'mon.
He turns and walks to the door.
STANLEY
Well, maybe they were souvenir
hunters or something. My boy's
kinda famous...
BARMAN
Who is he?
Phil is back.
STANLEY
Gram Parsons.
The Barman looks surprised.
BARMAN
Gram Parsons?
Phil reaches across and grabs the back of Larry's jacket.
LARRY
Gram Parsons?
Both the Barman and Stanley look round, but Larry's stool
is now empty, spinning. He and Phil are already at the
door.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
Phil propels Larry outside.
75.
CON TINUE D:
LARRY
Gram Parsons? Is Gram Parsons
dead?
PHIL
Better get going.
LARRY
He said someone took Gram
Parson's body. Two people...
PHIL
Yeah, he was a real blabbermouth.
In fact, I thought he was never
gonna stop talking. Anyway,
although that's real interesting,
we've gotta keep to the schedule.
LARRY
Schedule? What schedule? There
is no schedule...
PHIL
Well, I think we should just make
our delivery as soon as possible,
don't you? Get our package to
Palm Springs. Remember?
Larry looks horrified.
LARRY
Package? We've stolen that man's
son.
PHIL
Stolen... his son? That's
outrageous! I'm appalled that
you could even think we'd do such
a thing.
They move round the back of the Polyonax Place, where
Bernice is hidden behind an outhouse.
LARRY
I don't know what you take me
for. I want to see in that box.
Larry walks round to the back of the car.
PHIL
We've really got to go.
Larry swings open the back window and pulls at the casket.
LARRY
It's heavy.
76.
CON TINUE D: (2)
Phil glances at his watch.
PHIL
Okay, then. Well, if you're
satisfied, let's go.
LARRY
I said it's heavy.
PHIL
Heavy, yes. Well, it is made of
wood. Wood is heavy. Actually.
LARRY
Yeah, I remember. Finest poplar.
Larry slides the top of the casket off and looks inside.
He recoils.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Jesusjesusjesus...
He drops the lid and looks at Phil, horrified. Phil walks
over and looks inside.
PHIL
Gosh, they must have given us a
full one. We'll have to sort
that all out when we get to Palm
Springs and...
Larry is staring at him with horror.
LARRY
Oh my God. You stole Gram
Parsons.
Phil gives up.
PHIL
Well, technically, we stole Gram
Parsons.
LARRY
I stole a coffin, I didn't know
there was a body in it.
PHIL
I'd save that line for court.
As the enormity of the news starts to sink in, Larry hops
up and down in panic. Phil watches him.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What are you doing now?
77.
CON TINUE D: (3)
Larry is losing control.
LARRY
I don't know! What am I doing?
I mean... What-am-I-doing? Why
am I here? Why am I with you?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
PHIL
Calm down.
LARRY
I thought it was bad enough when
I ran over the cop's bike, but
now I'm a fucking body snatcher.
PHIL
Well, when you've quite finished,
we should go.
Larry goggles at him. His voice takes on a level of
hysteria.
LARRY
Go? You go. I tell you what I'm
going to do. I'm going inside
and I'm going to give that man
his son back. I'm going to do
the right thing, I'm going to
follow my conscience, I'm going
to...
Larry walks towards the bar, then quick walks, then runs.
Phil tackles him around the legs and they both fall.
Larry's head hits the ground hard and he lies there
unconscious.
PHIL
Shit!
Phil picks him up, slings him into the passenger seat, and
slides behind the wheel. The hearse moves off.
INT. THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
Stanley takes another drink and glances out of the window,
just as the bright yellow hearse drives past. He stands up
and walks to the window.
STANLEY
Son of a bitch!
EXT. OUTSIDE THE POLYONAX PLACE. DAY
The hearse picks up speed and powers down the highway out
into the desert.
78.
INT. BARBARA'S CAR. DAY
Susie seethes and Barbara smokes.
SUSIE
You're not a very nice person,
are you?
BARBARA
Nice? No, I suppose not. Does
it matter?
Susie looks surprised.
SUSIE
It might get you further.
BARBARA
I do okay. Listen, I was an
orphan at fourteen and a waitress
at fifteen. I do what I do
because it puts food on my table,
and because if I don't look after
myself, no-one else will.
SUSIE
So what do you want from us?
BARBARA
I don't want anything from you.
It would be a bonus to see
Kaufman crash and burn, but I
don't need to be there when it
happens.
SUSIE
Why do you hate Phil so much?
Barbara lights another cigarette.
BARBARA
Gram was the first good guy I
ever hooked up with. He wasn't
perfect, but it worked between
us. We just seemed to fit
together. But Gram was already
wild, and I made him wilder.
Kaufman watched over him like a
hawk, and when he felt things
were getting out of control, he
turned Gram against me. I lost
the only decent thing in my life.
SUSIE
Surely Phil was just looking
after Gram?
79.
CON TINUE D:
BARBARA
Gram was an adult. He didn't
need a nursemaid.
SUSIE
Except that now he's dead.
BARBARA
Yeah. Without my help and while
Kaufman was babysitting.
Silence for a moment.
SUSIE
I don't like you much, Barbara.
BARBARA
That's fine. I just want what's
mine and then I'm gone. Gone
real fast.
EXT. HIGHWAY. EVENING
The hearse powers through along the desert highway. They
pass a sign which reads 'If You're Looking for the Joshua
Tree National Monument, You're Getting Close. If You're
not, You're Getting Lost...'
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
Phil is getting very tired, his vision is blurring and he
shakes his head to wake himself up. He glances across and
sees that Larry is awake and staring at him.
PHIL
Welcome back, hippie.
LARRY
So why d'ya do it?
PHIL
Do what?
LARRY
Have a guess.
There is a moment's silence.
PHIL
Well, I gave my word. This is
what Gram wanted.
LARRY
What, cruise around the desert
until he starts to smell? Were
you - both bombed?
80.
CON TINUE D:
Phil looks offended.
PHIL
Do you have friends?
LARRY
Of course I have friends.
PHIL
Well, what would you do for them?
LARRY
Anything, within reason.
Phil stares out of the window.
PHIL
That's what I hate about people
like you. Everything's 'within
reason'. There are always
boundaries, provisos. You only
operate with a safety net.
Larry is confused.
LARRY
Tell me something - if it was the
other way round, would Gram be
sitting here, driving your bones
out into the desert?
Phil says nothing.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Well?
PHIL
You've missed the point. See, it
doesn't matter what he would do,
or what you and your tie-dyed
friends think is the correct way
to behave. To me, it only
matters what I do. Where you
have boundaries and limits and
thresholds - I only have right
and wrong. If I make a promise,
I keep it - that's right. If I
break that promise - that's
wrong.
Phil rubs his eyes, tired. Suddenly, Larry smashes Phil
across the head with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Phil slumps
back in the seat and Larry, dropping the bloodied weapon,
reaches across to grab the wheel and slow the hearse.
81.
EXT. HIGHWAY. NIGHT
Bernice fishtails across the road as Larry struggles to
retain control. It eventually slides to a halt. Larry
gets out and runs round to the drivers' door.
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
Larry stares down at Phil.
LARRY
Ohmygod.
He slides Phil across the seat and slips behind the wheel.
He shouts at the unconscious Phil.
LARRY (CONT'D)
You made me do it, you bastard!
I've never hit anyone in my life,
but you pushed and you pushed
and... you gave me no choice.
Larry prods Phil to ensure he's unresponsive.
EXT. HIGHWAY. NIGHT
The hearse executes a wide U-turn before gently rejoining
the highway and heading back towards town. A moment after
completing the turn, the one remaining headlight stutters
and goes out. Bernice pulls off the road.
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
LARRY
Shit.
He flicks the headlight switch, but to no avail. Then, in
the distance, he sees a car approaching. Stanley can be
glimpsed in the driving seat as the car flashes past.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Shit. Shitshitshit.
EXT. HIGHWAY. NIGHT
Bernice rejoins the road and drives slowly off into the
darkness after Stanley.
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
Phil is motionless, and Larry peers out into the darkness
as the car limps on, lit only from the light of the moon.
Larry sees a glow in the distance ahead, and drives towards
a neon sign; 'Welcome to the Joshua Tree Inn'.
82.
CON TINUE D:
He stops by the entrance to the inn and stares at Stanley's
car parked in the bay outside room 8. He glances across at
Phil, turns the car around and drives in.
EXT. JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
Bernice glides to a stop in the bay next to Stanley's car.
Larry gets out and looks around. After a moment, he walks
over to the door of room eight and knocks.
EXT. OUTSIDE ROOM 8 - JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
A tired-looking Stanley opens the door.
STANLEY
Yeah?
LARRY
Hi.
STANLEY
Hello.
They stare at each other.
LARRY
Um. I'm one of the guys that
took your son.
After a moment, Stanley steps back and opens the door.
STANLEY
You'd better come in.
EXT. HIGHWAY/CAR PARK - JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
A car drives past the inn and then brakes sharply and skids
across the road. It reverses and pulls in, parking next to
the hearse. Barbara and Susie get out and look around.
Then Susie walks over to the hearse's passenger window and
raps on the glass, and Barbara marches to the back of the
hearse and attempts to open it. She can't.
BARBARA
Where's the catch on this piece
of shit?
Susie notices Phil, slumped in the seat.
SUSIE
Phil? Phil!
83.
INT. HEARSE - JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
Phil comes to. He looks out of the window at Susie, then
at the 'Joshua Tree' sign, then at the door to room eight,
then round to the back of the shaking hearse as Barbara
tries to get the door open. His jaw drops open and he rubs
his eyes again, before getting out of the car.
EXT. OUTSIDE ROOM 8 - JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
Phil stands in front of Susie.
SUSIE
What happened to your head?
He touches his head and looks at the blood on his fingers.
His handcuff hangs from his wrist and Susie stares at it.
PHIL
A hippie hit it. I thought you'd
gone.
SUSIE
Hold that thought.
PHIL
What the hell does that mean?
SUSIE
I need to know what it is you're
doing.
Barbara shouts from the back of the car.
BARBARA
I told you what he's doing! He's
going to set fire to my Gram in
some freaky ceremony with witches
and black magic and... dolls.
PHIL
Dolls?
SUSIE
Dolls to stick pins in.
PHIL
What the hell are you talking
about?
BARBARA
(shouts)
I want my man back!
PHIL
Enough of this shit.
84.
CON TINUE D:
Phil walks over to the door of room 8.
PHIL (CONT'D)
They've gotta be in here. It's
fate.
He opens the door and walks in.
INT. JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
Larry and Stanley are sitting on the bed. Phil shoots a
vicious look at Larry.
PHIL
Whatever happened to peace, love
and understanding, hippie?
STANLEY
You're Kaufman?
PHIL
Yup.
Stanley folds his arms. Susie and Barbara follow Phil into
the room.
STANLEY
And you are?
SUSIE
I'm with him.
She indicates Phil.
BARBARA
Hello Stanley. Remember me? The
psychotic girlfriend?
STANLEY
Hello Barbara. Nothing wrong
with your memory.
He turns to Phil.
STANLEY (CONT'D)
Did you sell tickets or
something? Now, you boys want to
tell me why you stole my son?
LARRY
Well, I didn't even know he was
in the box.
85.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
I'm going to cremate him, here in
the desert where he felt most at
home. That's what he wanted.
BARBARA
The hell you are, Kaufman.
Stanley picks up the phone and starts to dial.
STANLEY
You know I can't let you do that?
PHIL
I know you have to.
Stanley smashes the receiver down onto the table. Everyone
jumps.
STANLEY
I don't have to do anything,
Mister Kaufman. This is MY loss!
This was MY son! How dare you
try to take my grief away from
me.
PHIL
It's too late to claim him now.
STANLEY
What the hell does that mean?
They are almost nose-to-nose now.
PHIL
It means that you were never
there when it mattered to Gram.
It means that you stopped being a
father the moment he stopped
doing your bidding. It means
that you learned to care too
late. That's what it means.
STANLEY
I don't have to justify my
relationship with Gram to you.
PHIL
Not to me, no.
Stanley sits down.
STANLEY
It's true that when Gram left
college, we drifted apart.
(MOR E)
86.
CON TINUE D: (2)
STA NLEY (CONT'D)
He was a disappointment to me,
because he wouldn't use his
brain. He had so much to offer,
but he let it trickle away.
PHIL
No - he gave it his all, but in a
way you could never understand.
And all he ever wanted from you
was approval. He wanted you to
be proud of what he had achieved.
STANLEY
I kept everything. Every record,
every article, every photo.
PHIL
It's no good telling me. You
should have told him.
STANLEY
I loved him.
PHIL
Too late...
Stanley looks up at Phil.
STANLEY
I understand that you were his
right-hand man, as well as his
friend?
PHIL
I was both, yes.
STANLEY
And that you weren't there when
he died? When he needed you
most?
A beat, then:
PHIL
Yes. That's right.
STANLEY
So the guilt isn't all mine,
then?
PHIL
I guess not.
Susie walks over and takes Phil's hand. Stanley says
nothing for a moment, but his eyes fill with tears.
87.
CON TINUE D: (3)
STANLEY
You boys took away my son. I
lost him once in life, and now
you're trying to take him from me
again.
He starts to cry. Larry shoots an imploring look at Phil.
Barbara glances around the room.
BARBARA
Can we just cut through this?
She gestures at Phil and Larry.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
You two stole the body. Theft.
Indicates Susie.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Sweetie, I'm sorry, but you seem
to be in the whole thing up to
your neck. Accessory.
Waves a hand at Stanley.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
And you are an old fool who
should have called the police,
but hasn't. Stupidity.
She walks over to the phone.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Now, let's just call the cops and
get it done. The sooner we get
us a death certificate and bury
him, the sooner his soul will be
properly laid to rest.
Phil walks over to Barbara, picks her up and carries her
into the bathroom.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Hey! What the hell are you
doing?
He emerges and slips the back of a chair under the handle,
effectively locking the door.
STANLEY
Son, you had your chance to look
after Gram, and now he's dead.
There is a 'bang' from the bathroom, and the door shakes.
88.
CON TINUE D: (4)
BARBARA
(O.S)
Bastard!
PHIL
I only failed because I couldn't
save him from himself. You
failed him all his life. You
never believed. I never doubted.
Stanley pauses.
STANLEY
Okay. You tell me why I should
let you take my boy.
PHIL
I was his road manager and his
friend. We loved it out here in
the desert, and we made a pact
that whoever died first, the
other would come down here and
set them free. Gram gave his
word and I gave mine.
Stanley thinks about this.
STANLEY
You're a couple of druggies. Why
should I believe you?
Phil doesn't like the inference.
PHIL
I don't take drugs.
Another 'bang' from the bathroom. Stanley turns to Larry.
STANLEY
What about you? Are you a
druggie?
There is a long pause. Then:
LARRY
Yes. Yes I am.
Phil closes his eyes. Stanley picks up the receiver and
starts to dial. Then Phil jumps up off the bed and walks
out of the room. After a moment, Larry and Susie follow.
EXT. OUTSIDE ROOM 8 - JOSHUA TREE INN. NIGHT
Phil is waiting by the car.
89.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
(to Larry)
Nice work. Let's go.
Larry gives Phil the screwdriver.
LARRY
I can't do this. This isn't
right.
Larry walks away leaving Phil with Susie. He looks at her.
SUSIE
Just do whatever feels right to
you.
PHIL
God damn!
After a moment, Phil walks back into room eight.
INT. JOSHUA TREE INN - ROOM 8. NIGHT
Stanley is sitting on the bed, the receiver in his hand.
Phil sits facing him.
PHIL
Did you call them?
STANLEY
No.
PHIL
Are you going to call them?
STANLEY
Well, you haven't given me a
reason not to.
There is another 'crash' from inside the bathroom. The
door shakes.
PHIL
There isn't a reason. If someone
tried to steal my son's body, I'd
stop them. For sure.
Larry and Susie quietly enter the room.
STANLEY
So you are prepared to go to
jail?
PHIL
I'm expecting to.
90.
CON TINUE D:
BARBARA
(O.S)
Don't you worry - it's gonna
happen!
LARRY
Mister Parsons?
Phil and Stanley look up.
STANLEY
What is it, son?
LARRY
I've been a junkie for over four
years. I started taking heroin
on June 5th 1969 at a concert in
Indiana. I...
STANLEY
You don't need...
Larry holds his hand up to stop Stanley.
LARRY
I've taken heroin, speed, uppers,
downers, blues, morphine,
methadone, mushrooms, quaaludes,
acid, valium, barbiturates,
straight LSD, marijuana,
marijuana laced with opium,
nembutal, mescalin of course, and
medical methaqualone, which made
me shake uncontrollably for six
weeks and vomit every hour.
STANLEY
(dryly)
That's very impressive, son.
LARRY
Not my point.
PHIL
Better make the point.
LARRY
I started working my way through
that list on June 5th 1969, and
since then there hasn't been a
day when I didn't at least smoke
one joint.
Phil shoots Larry a dangerous look.
91.
CON TINUE D: (2)
PHIL
Are we sure that this is helping?
Larry ignores him.
LARRY
And now I've stopped. I stopped
because it seems that I had
something more important to do.
They all look at him. He gestures at Phil.
LARRY (CONT'D)
He's doing this because he gave
his word. I'm prepared to do
this now because I think it's
right. And because I believe
that each body has a soul. And
Gram's soul doesn't belong in a
family plot surrounded by
strangers. It belongs here,
where he was happiest.
In the silence, Susie walks over and grips Phil's hand.
Then Stanley gets up off the bed.
STANLEY
I'm going to go say goodbye to my
son.
Everyone looks surprised. Phil gives Larry a look of
appreciative approval. Barbara starts to kick furiously at
the door from inside the bathroom. Stanley pauses for a
moment, and then walks outside. Phil and Larry watch him
go, and Susie walks over to kiss Phil.
PHIL
What's that for?
SUSIE
That's for failing to reinforce
my expectations.
PHIL
Well... I'll have to do that more
often.
The three of them move to the door, and Phil turns to
Larry.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Did you really take all those
drugs?
LARRY
Of course not.
92.
CON TINUE D: (3)
He grins at Phil.
LARRY (CONT'D)
I may have got a little carried
away...
The door of the bathroom shakes and one of the hinges flies
across the room.
PHIL
C'mon, time to go...
EXT. OUTSIDE ROOM 8. NIGHT
Phil, Larry and Susie leave room eight. They look around
with surprise, but there is no sign of Stanley. Phil opens
the back of the hearse and takes a quick peek inside the
casket.
PHIL
Just checking.
LARRY
Yeah, he took the body and
stuffed it in the trunk of his
car before escaping into the
night.
Larry is already behind the wheel. Phil opens the car door
and looks at Susie.
PHIL
Are you coming?
She smiles at him.
SUSIE
I reckon I am.
She gets in. There is a final, almighty 'crash' from
inside room eight. The three of them look at each other,
and then Bernice is gone into the darkness. A moment later
Barbara runs outside. She leaps into her car and screeches
after them. In the distance a blue flashing police light
suddenly materializes.
INT. BARBARA'S CAR. NIGHT
Barbara is on the road, driving fast. Suddenly a blue
flashing police light fills her mirror.
BARBARA
Thank God!
She pulls over and the police cruiser pulls in behind her.
The traffic cop walks up and looks through the window.
93.
CON TINUE D:
TRAFFIC COP
Evenin' ma'am.
Barbara gives it everything.
BARBARA
Please help me, they've got my
boyfriend's corpse and they're
going to perform a ritual with
his body.
The cop turns on his torch and peers at her carefully.
TRAFFIC COP
May I see your driving license
please, ma'am?
BARBARA
My driving license?
TRAFFIC COP
Please.
BARBARA
I've just told you that they've
stolen a body and you want to see
my driving license?
He just stares at her. Barbara is losing it.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
You people are supposed to be on
the lookout for a hearse. A
hearse is a big long car. You
can usually tell which ones are
the hearses, because they have
coffins in the back. The one
we're looking for is painted
yellow. Does this look like a
yellow hearse to you, asshole?
Long pause. Barbara realizes that she might have gone too
far. He starts to write a ticket.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Is that a ticket? Are you
writing me a ticket?
TRAFFIC COP
Yes it is, ma'am. And yes I am.
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
Phil indicates an area just off the road.
94.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
Cap Rock. This is perfect.
Really peaceful...
Larry pulls the hearse over near the rock. They all sit
there for a moment. Phil and Larry look at each other.
EXT. DESERT. NIGHT
Phil opens the back of the hearse and slides the casket out
of the car. He notices that Larry has made no move to
help. Susie sits on a rock and watches.
PHIL
You wanna give me a hand here?
Larry walks over and grabs the other end of the casket.
They walk it away from the car and lay it down. As they
lower it, the coffin slips out of Phil's hands and bangs
down in the sand.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry, Gram.
They stand and stare at the casket. Susie walks over with
the guitar and takes Phil's hand.
LARRY
What now?
PHIL
Now we... do it.
He gets the gasoline can from the car and stands over the
casket.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Take the top off.
LARRY
Why?
PHIL
Flesh burns easier than wood.
LARRY
I can't believe you just said
that. I'm not taking the top
off.
He walks off. Phil puts the can down and removes the top
of the casket. He peers inside.
95.
CON TINUE D:
PHIL
(to Gram)
Hey, man. Looking a little
peaky...
SUSIE
Some decorum would be nice.
PHIL
Right.
He pours some gasoline into the casket.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Do you think that's enough?
Against his better judgment, Larry walks over and peers
inside.
LARRY
Well, I don't know. Maybe a
little more.
Phil pours a little more fuel in. He looks over at Susie.
PHIL
Enough?
SUSIE
I'm not having a conversation
with you about how much gasoline
you need to burn a body.
She backs off.
LARRY
I think that'll do it.
Phil stops pouring and shakes the can.
PHIL
Only a little left.
He pours the rest of the can into the casket. Susie walks
over to stand next to Phil. He looks down at Gram.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
when it mattered, but I was there
before, and I've been there ever
since. Gram, good luck to you,
wherever you are.
They all stare at the casket. Phil wipes a tear away and
tucks a can of beer into the coffin.
96.
CON TINUE D: (2)
PHIL (CONT'D)
That's my last one, man.
He rests Gram's guitar against the casket, takes big puffs
on his cigar to get the flame up, then tosses it into the
coffin. They wait. Nothing happens. Phil edges nearer
and looks inside. Then the coffin explodes into flames.
All three of them are thrown backwards by the blast.
EXT. HIGHWAY. NIGHT
The traffic cop is finishing the ticket when there is a
ball of flame in the distance. Barbara just scowls.
TRAFFIC COP
Jesus! What the hell's that?
BARBARA
That'll be Gram Parsons, on fire.
TRAFFIC COP
Get in the car, ma'am. Now.
EXT. DESERT. NIGHT
Phil, Larry and Susie pick themselves up. They stare at
the pyre. Phil is close to tears, and Susie puts her arm
around him. For a moment, Phil thinks he sees the flames
morph into the shape of an angel over the burning coffin.
The image disappears when Larry speaks.
LARRY
Maybe too much fuel.
PHIL
Nah, I just didn't factor in the
booze inside of him. Gram
always...
He breaks off as a flashing police light appears in the
darkness, followed by a siren.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I think our work here is done.
Larry and Susie run to the car. Phil lingers a moment,
looking down at the flames. Then he follows the others.
INT. HEARSE. NIGHT
Phil jumps into the car.
PHIL
Go!
97.
CON TINUE D:
The huge car screeches off into the darkness, with no
lights.
INT. CAR. NIGHT
Stanley watches as the hearse flies past him. He glances
back at the fire, smiles sadly, and bows his head for a
moment. Then he turns on the ignition and drives away into
the darkness.
EXT. DESERT. NIGHT
The police car arrives at the scene. Barbara and the cop
get out. He peers into the flames.
TRAFFIC COP
How do you know it's your
boyfriend?
BARBARA
(sarcastically)
I recognize that birthmark on his
shoulder. Look, can I make an
observation?
TRAFFIC COP
Be my guest.
BARBARA
We're in the desert. It is dark.
If you want to catch someone in
the dark, it's best not to turn
on big flashing lights and make a
loud noise with a siren.
TRAFFIC COP
Do you want to know what I think,
ma'am?
BARBARA
No. But I'm really, really keen
to find out.
The traffic cop stares into the fire.
TRAFFIC COP
I think it was suicide. He just
wanted to get away from you.
INT. HEARSE. DAWN
Phil is fast asleep and snoring in Bernice's passenger
seat. He wakes slowly and shields his eyes from the bright
sunshine that pours through the windscreen. He pulls a
flask out of the glove compartment and takes a long gargle,
spitting the result out of the window.
98.
CON TINUE D:
Then he glances in the rear view mirror and sees the man
sitting in the casket bay.
GRAM
Sure is hot.
PHIL
Hello, Gram.
GRAM
Phil.
Gram pulls himself along the bay and onto the back seat.
He then climbs into the front, settles next to Phil and
holds his hand out for the flask.
PHIL
Do you think you should?
GRAM
Not gonna hurt me now, is it?
He takes a drink and looks around.
GRAM (CONT'D)
Nice wheels. Very stylish.
PHIL
They're very handy for
transporting dead people around.
Nothing better.
GRAM
I am dead, then?
PHIL
You're more than dead, Gram. You
and the box are down to bones and
brass.
GRAM
Oh, well. Here's mud in your
eye.
He takes another drink and hands the flask back to Phil.
PHIL
What can I do for you, Gram?
GRAM
You assume I want something.
PHIL
Well, you're here. And seeing as
I just burned you to a cinder,
you shouldn't be.
(MOR E)
99.
CON TINUE D: (2)
PHI L (CONT'D)
So I'm guessing you've got some
kind of reason.
GRAM
Well, okay. I just wanted to say
thanks.
PHIL
What for?
GRAM
Doing the thing that we agreed,
keeping your word, keeping them
all away...
PHIL
Well, that's okay, Gram. But I
don't need thanking.
GRAM
You don't?
PHIL
I'm just taking care of business.
That's what you paid me for -
that's what I do.
Gram grins.
GRAM
You shooting for a raise?
PHIL
Actually, I just quit.
Gram holds his hand out for the bottle and takes a drink.
GRAM
Well, I s'pose I should be
getting along.
PHIL
Goodbye, Gram. I'm glad it all
worked out.
GRAM
What?
PHIL
I said I'm glad it all worked
out.
And Gram is now Larry, peering down at Phil.
LARRY
All what worked out?
100.
CON TINUE D: (3)
Phil sits bolt upright and looks around the car. Larry and
Susie stare back at him.
PHIL
Doesn't matter. Can we go now?
I'm getting sick of sand.
EXT. HIGHWAY. DAY
We hear Gram's: 'Return Of The Grievous Angel' or some
similar music.
We follow Bernice as she drives through the desert, and
into Los Angeles. We follow her through the city streets,
and we stay with her as she parks.
Fade down music.
INT. HEARSE. DAY
Phil turns off the ignition and sits back in his seat. He
and Larry look at each other.
LARRY
Well, we did it. We saved a
soul.
He leans across to hug Phil, who looks awkward and pats him
on the shoulder instead.
PHIL
Singed my damn mustache, that's
for sure.
Phil pulls a cigar out of his pocket and lights it. The
handcuff dangles from his wrist and bangs against the dash.
He stares at the match as it burns.
LARRY
Well, shall we?
Phil blows the match out.
PHIL
Yeah. Let's roll, hippie.
They all get out of the car.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET. DAY
Phil turns to Susie.
PHIL
Where d'you think you might be
when I'm done?
101.
CON TINUE D:
SUSIE
I'll be waiting.
PHIL
Yeah, but where?
There is a small moment of tension, before Phil grins at
her. They kiss.
SUSIE
Get out of here. Finish it.
Phil pats Bernice's battered wing as he walks away and over
to where Larry is waiting. They cross the road and walk
into a building through heavy wooden doors. Pull back to
reveal a sign: 'Los Angeles Police Department'.
FADE UP ON SUPER: Phil Kaufman and Larry Osterberg
appeared in West L.A. Municipal Court on November 5, 1973 -
Gram Parsons's 27th birthday. Since a corpse has no
intrinsic value, the two were charged with misdemeanor
theft for stealing the coffin and given a token punishment:
$708 in damages for the coffin, and a $300 fine for each of
the bodysnatchers.
| Grand Theft Parsons
Writers : Jeremy Drysdale
Genres : Drama Comedy
User Comments
|
|
