THE HEBREW HAMMER
Written by
Jonathan Kesselman
Over BLACK, we hear the first few bars of Jingle Bells. The
music morphs into an OMINOUS SCORE.
With a thunderous BOOM, comes a TITLE CARD reading "HANUKKAH
PAST."
EXT. PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
We start on JESUS ON A CRUCIFIX, and then violently CRANE
down to reveal MORDECHAI (10), a timid little Hasidic boy
standing nervously at the foot of the statue.
Behind Morty is a wall with the graffiti phrase "HANUKKAH IS
4 HOMOS" scrawled across it. He clutches his Sandy Koufax
lunchbox tightly as he looks off into the distance. He's got
quite a large bulge in his pants for a child his age.
We see a menacing, EXTREMELY WIDE ANGLE shot of the school.
Superimposed over the picture are the words, "ST. PETER,
PAUL, AND MARY PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL."
Mordechai takes a deep breath, and walks towards the school.
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Mordechai walks past a row of bleachers occupied by FOUR
GENTILE CHILDREN.
GENTILE BOY 1
Hey Mordechai, look. I dropped a penny.
He drops a penny. The other children cackle.
The Gentile Girl next to him holds up a bag of bagels.
GENTILE GIRL 1
Hey Mordechai. Want a bagel?
Gentile Boy 1 feigns choking.
GENTILE BOY 2
Hey Jew nose, save some oxygen for us.
More laughter. Morty attempts to take it all in stride. We
PUSH into GENTILE GIRL 2, a severe looking puritanically
dressed child as she turns to face the camera.
GENTILE GIRL 2
Hey Morty, my mom says that unless your
people wise up and accept Jesus Christ as
your lord and savior you're all going to
burn in hell.
Dead silence. The other children exchange "Now that went a
little over the line" looks.
The silence is broken by the sound of the SCHOOLBELL. Morty
gathers himself, and walks off.
INT. CLASSROOM - LATER
As Morty holds a small gift wrapped box in his hands we hear
a tinny version of the song Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.
He tears open the wrapping paper to reveal a DREIDEL. He
looks at his gift, and then looks off-screen. We PAN with his
look to reveal...
A group of Christian children congregating around a large,
garishly decorated Christmas tree. A very Vegas Merry
Christmas sign flashes as a larger-than-life HI-FI version of
the Christmas song Jingle Bells blares. The children
festively slap high fives as they open their presents.
We cut to a SLOW-MOTION CU of Gentile Boy 1 enamored with his
brand new ATC motorbike.
We cut to a SLOW-MOTION CU of Gentile Girl 1. She wears an "I
Love Jesus" T-shirt and holds an adorable dog with a bow
affixed to its head in her arms. It licks her on the face.
We cut back to Mordechai. He looks down at his pathetic
excuse for a present. He's on the verge of tears.
Gentile Boy 1 calls to Mordechai as he drives his ATC.
GENTILE BOY 1
Hey everybody! Look what Mordechai got.
Nice spinning top Morty.
The other children take notice of Mordechai's gift and begin
to laugh.
Mordechai is crushed. MRS. HIGHSMITH (40's), an incredibly
Waspy teacher puts down her copy of 'Modern W.A.S.P.,' and
appears genuinely concerned by the teasing Mordechai has
weathered. She walks over to comfort him.
MRS. HIGHSMITH
Now, now class let's not make fun of
Mordechai's spinning top. We need to all
learn the importance of tolerance and
understanding. Isn't that right
Mordechai?
MORDECHAI
Yes Mrs. Highsmith.
MRS. HIGHSMITH
So class, in honor of Mordechai's special
day, I'd like for all of us to wish Morty
a heartfelt Merry...
She looks to Mordechai for confirmation on the word.
MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
(Stumbling)
Cha-noo-kuh Day 7.
In unison, the class attempts to repeat the words, but all
suffer various degrees of pronunciation problems.
MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
Very good class. I hope you've all
learned an important lesson today. Just
because Mordechai's people are different
from us...just because they might appear
strange to us with their furry hats,
their beady eyes, and their long
sideburns...not to mention their bizarre
customs and unnecessarily guttural, funny
sounding names...just because they
control all of the worlds' money, yet are
too cheap to buy their children anything
better than spinning tops for presents,
does not mean that we can't learn to
respect and love them as our equals.
She squeezes his cheek.
MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
Happy Chanoo-juah-kah Day 7 Morty.
A reaction shot of the mortified Morty.
CUT TO:
EXT. GHETTO STREET - NIGHT
A sullen Mordechai wanders the streets. Absurd XMAS
DECORATIONS, horrific in their appearance blanket the street.
Morty glances a GROTESQUE FAUX REINDEER with fangs. We hear a
growling noise as it lights up. He walks quickly away in fear
past...
A STOREFRONT
We track with Morty as he passes a storefront window. Inside,
the CLERK turns a sign outwards reading, "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
We continue with Morty as he passes by a second storefront. A
similar sign reading, "KYKES GO HOME" is turned outwards by
ANOTHER CLERK. He continues past yet another building as a
sign reading, "MONOTHEISTS NEED NOT APPLY" is displayed by a
THIRD CLERK for Morty's benefit.
Morty looks across the street.
A sign hangs from a storefront reading "JEWS OK FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES." The FOURTH CLERK gives him the thumbs up.
Morty finds a spot on the sidewalk outside the building and
pulls out his dreidel.
He spins it, and we hold on the spinning top for a few beats
as Morty stares at in wonderment.
Suddenly, a huge black boot comes crashing down into frame
and smashes the little dreidel. Mordechai slowly looks up.
A menacing SANTA CLAUS gives him the finger, and exits frame
as we hear him sadistically laugh O.S. the words "Ho, ho, ho"
at Morty.
We start CLOSE on Mordechai. Rage fills every inch of his
face. As we SLOWLY CRANE AWAY, the opening CREDITS begin as
the HEBREW HAMMER THEME SONG kicks into full gear.
CUT TO:
TITLE SEQUENCE
As the Jewxploitation music pumps, metallic slashes rip
through the screen line by line, spinning into place to form
a Star Of David. The title, "The Hebrew Hammer" SLAMS into
frame.
TITLE CARD: HANUKKAH PRESENT
EXT. THE CHOOD - DAY
We start CLOSE on a gift wrapped Hanukkah present. We pull
back a bit as MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER (29), AKA THE HEBREW
HAMMER, a baaad Jewish brother spins the package in his hands
as he saunters down the street past a latke stand. He's a
Semitic super stud straight out of a 70's Blaxploitation
flick. He tosses the gift to MACCABEE, a young Hasidic boy.
HAMMER
Happy Hanukkah Maccabee.
Macabee tears open the wrapping paper and holds up the gift -
a Hebrew Hammer action figure. He beams.
We cut back to the Hammer as he smiles back. From O.C., we
hear Maccabee say...
MACCABEE (O.C.)
Thanks Hammer!
The Hammer smiles back and walks off frame.
ANOTHER PART OF THE CHOOD
We begin on the Hammer's black boots and slowly TILT up as we
DOLLY back with him.
The Hammer passes a line of THREE JEWISH PRINCESSES who swoon
as he passes.
He stops below the sign of a butcher shop that reads, "100%
KOSHER MEAT." We PUSH into his CLOSE UP as he blows them all
a kiss.
The pubic area of their dresses moisten in synchrony.
The Hammer winks back.
An OLD WOMAN calls to the Hammer from the window of a second
story flat.
OLD WOMAN
Hammer, why don't you come eat by us for
Shabat. My Miriam is all grown up now.
God willing, you should settle down and
marry.
We punch in to a CLOSE UP of a demure Miriam as the Hammer
takes stock of the goods. She is an atrociously ugly girl
wearing orthodontic headgear, and bespectacled with a pair
oversized librarian's glasses.
The Hammer shakes off his wave of nausea.
HAMMER
Thanks for the invite Mrs. Kleinman, but
right now G dash d's the only one for me.
OLD WOMAN
I can dig it.
The Hammer continues on down the street. The old woman and
Miriam are framed in the BG.
OLD WOMAN (CONT'D)
Hammer, you're the baaddest Hebe this
side of Tel Aviv.
The Hammer stops for a second and smiles at the compliment.
HAMMER
(To himself)
Shabat Shalom!
He walks off frame.
EXT. GHETTO ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER
Some TEENAGE GENTILE BOYS play keep away with a yarmulke
belonging to SHLOMO, another young Hasidic kid.
SHLOMO
Give it back! Give me back my yarmulke!
TEENAGE GENTILE
Hey Teddy, throw me the frisbee.
TEDDY (the non-speaking teen Gentile) throws the yarmulke,
and we FOLLOW it as it spins towards another TEENAGE GENTILE.
The other Teenage Gentile excitedly extends his hands to
catch, but right before it reaches him another hand comes
into frame and snatches it. He looks up, and we cut to his...
POV as we tilt up to reveal The Hammer. He looks pretty damn
big and pissed off from this angle.
The Teenage Gentile begins to shake and stammer.
TEENAGE GENTILE (CONT'D)
We...we were going to give it back. I
swear to god.
HAMMER
Did you just take god's name in vain?
TEENAGE GENTILE
No, no. It...It's not like that. We were
just about...
HAMMER
Just about to leave, right?
TEENAGE GENTILE
Yeah, yeah, that's right. We were just
about to leave. C'mon Teddy.
The two run off.
The Hammer looks down to Shlomo. His spirit seems broken.
HAMMER
You alright?
SHLOMO
I guess. Sometimes I wonder why I even
bother praying to one god.
HAMMER
Hey, hey! Be proud of who you are. You're
a bad, bold, big-nosed, biblical brother.
You feelin' me?
The kid's morale is boosted.
SHLOMO
Yeah. You're right.
HAMMER
Aveenooh Shalom Alechem little brother.
The Hammer pounds his fist into his chest ala the Black
Panthers. The kid returns the gesture.
SHLOMO
Thanks Hammer.
The Hammer points at him as he leaves.
HAMMER
Stay Jewish.
EXT. 'HEBREW HAMMER INVESTIGATIONS' OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
The Hammer walks up the stairs and past the sign advertising
his office.
The Hammer theme music winds down, punctuated with Shaft-like
brass hits. However, the brass hits become incredibly
overblown and extraneous.
The Hammer walks back into frame from the stairway to his
office. He looks around strangely for the source of the
music.
INT. 'HEBREW HAMMER INVESTIGATIONS' OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS
LATER
TIKKVA (Late 30's), the Hammer's very nasaly Laawng Island
secretary, files her nails furiously as the Hammer enters the
office. A MUZAK version of the Hammer Theme song plays over
the office PA system.
HAMMER
Happy Hanukkah Tikva.
TIKVA
Happy Hanukkah Morty.
The Hammer tosses his Shtreml and we WHIP with it as lands
squarely on the hat rack.
We cut back to the Hammer. He's wearing a yarmulke.
HAMMER
So, what's shakin' Yenta.
TIKVA
Well, for stahters, your mother called.
She said to remind you that you're having
Shabat Dinner by her tomorrow, and also
to remind you to bring the Manischewitz,
and she wanted me to relate the following
information to you.
HAMMER
Okay, what's the information?
TIKVA
She said to remind you that you're having
Shabat dinner by her tomorrow and also to
remind you to bring the Manischewitz.
The Hammer lets this sink in.
HAMMER
Anything else?
TIKVA
Yeah, I'm going to be out of the office
from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday. I have a
terrible yeast infection and I need to
see my gynecologist.
HAMMER
But we're not open on Sundays.
TIKVA
I understand that. I just thought that
you might want to know.
HAMMER
(Beat)
I'll be in my office.
The Hammer walks into his private office and shuts the
frosted glass door. We hold on what's stenciled on the
outside of the door. The lettering reads, "Mordechai
Jefferson Carver - Certified Circumcised Dick - State of New
York."
YET TBD TRANSITION TO:
EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY
An establishing shot of Santa's Workshop. The lettering
"NORTH POLE - SANTA'S WORKSHOP" is superimposed over the
picture.
INT. SANTA'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)
I want to start by thanking all of you
for pulling yourselves away from the
workshop to make this emergency meeting.
I know it's the busiest time of the year
for all of you, so I'll try and be brief.
As Santa speaks, we begin on a painting of a meek and
frightened looking Santa Claus. His eyes look fearfully to
his right. Below the picture frame is a plaque reading "St.
Nick the Nervous. 1871-1941", we continue a slow DOLLY to the
right on to the next picture.
We see another Santa Claus, much more treacherous in his
appearance. His eyes are fixed menacingly on the picture of
Santa to his left. The plaque below his picture read, "St.
Nick The Nasty 1941-1970."
We continue our DOLLY to the right, finally ending on a
painting of a jolly, portly Santa. Below his picture the
plaque reads, "St. Nick The Nice. 1970-Christmas Present."
We cut to a WIDE shot of a Conference Room. The same nice
Santa Claus from the last picture addresses a handful of
ELVES. Two reindeer flank Santa on either side. Their
nameplates hang from their necks - "BLITZEN" and "RUDOLPH."
At the other end of the table from Santa sits his son DAMIAN,
quite a nasty looking man.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
My father, often referred to as St. Nick
The Nasty, was a tyrannical man. He was
obsessed with making Christmas the only
holiday anyone could celebrate before the
New Year.
Since his death, I've prided myself on
ensuring that the Christmas season is one
of tolerance and understanding between
all races and religions. It's always been
my belief that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa
deserve the same respect as Christmas.
Damian whispers to an elf on his right hand side, and then
makes the JERKING OFF motion with his hand.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Lights please.
As Rudolph's nose dims, so do the lights in the room. Santa
picks up a remote in his hand, and turns on a SLIDE
PROJECTOR.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Over the course of my career as Santa
Claus, I've made it my mission to ensure
that Jews, Christians, and African
Americans could all observe their
respective holidays in harmony.
We see a slide of THE HEBREW HAMMER, an African American man
(Mohammed), and Santa Claus arm in arm below a banner in a
mall reading "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
I was responsible for pushing the Happy
Holidays Ordinance, in which all Merry
Christmas signage was replaced by the
Trans-relgious and inoffensive phrase
'Happy Holidays.'
We see another slide in which an assembly of SCHOOLCHILDREN
are singing.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
It was nearly a decade ago, in
conjunction with our friends in the
Jewish and African American communities
that I supported a bill that mandated
that 'Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel' and 'I'm
dreaming of a bright Kwanzaa' be taught
and sung in elementary schools along with
the Christmas standards 'Frosty The
Snowman', and 'Deck The Halls.'
Which is why upon examination of my
annual naughty and nice list it shocked
me to discover that my own son, Damian...
Damian, preoccupied with the cigarette he's attempting to
light, looks up in response to his name.
A brown bagged bottle of booze now sits on the table in front
of him. We can see Santa and the reindeer in silhouette on
the slide projection screen behind him.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
The heir to the Red Suit could be so
filled with hate.
Santa addresses Damian.
SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
Damian, when I learned of your ludicrous
scheme to wipe out Hanukkah, my first
reaction was one of disgust. Now, I'm
only filled with sadness and
disappointment. Disappointed that I
failed to teach you the true meaning of
Christmas. What do you have to say for
yourself?
We being a SLOW PUSH into Damian as he ponders the question.
The cigarette dangles from his lips.
Rudolph nods to Blitzen. Blitzen returns the gesture with a
nod of acknowledgment.
With a slow and measured pace Damian says...
DAMIAN
Ho. Ho. Ho.
On the slide projector screen behind Damian, we see the
silhouetted images of Blitzen and Rudolph goring Santa
through the chest with their antlers. Damian cringes.
Blood trickles from Santa's mouth, and with his last breath
he utters the words...
SANTA CLAUS
Et tu, Blitzen?
Santa falls out of frame with a thud. Standing behind him
with bloodied antlers is Blitzen.
Damian walks over to the newly deceased Santa, takes his
bloodstained Santa's hat, and put it on his own head. From
this point on in the screenplay, Damian will now be referred
to as SANTA.
The elves in the room, in various stages of shock, stare at
their new master in horror.
SANTA
What are you fucking midgets looking at!?
Get back to work! We have Hanukkah to
destroy!
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. THE JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - DAY
A building resembling the Pentagon with the exception that
it's shaped like the Star Of David. Superimposed over the
picture are the words, "JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE."
INT. THE JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - DAY
A smoky chamber reminiscent of the Senate or the United
Nations. A GIANT BANNER reading "HANUKKAH NOW!," illustrated
with a Hasid in silhouette with his fist raised, covers the
back wall behind the men.
As with the Senate House Committee, various factions of the
JDL sit behind plaques describing the group they represent.
We see members from: The Anti-Defamation League, Jews Against
Drunk Driving, etc. A chair belonging to THE COALITION OF
JEWISH ATHLETES is empty.
The floor is chaotic. The JDL Chief bangs his gavel and
yells...
CHIEF
Gentleman!
His pleas for silence are ignored.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
Gentleman! Please!
Still chaos. He flips a light switch on and off a few times
as he says...
CHIEF (CONT'D)
Sheket B'vakasha! Sheket B'vakasha!
The entire hall responds in unison...
HALL
Hey!
The room falls silent. Every member of the JDL sits straight
up with their hands folded in front of them.
CHIEF
The time for action is now. We predict
that the St. Nick Day Massacre will put
Hanukkah-Christmas relations back at
least a hundred years. With this
meshuggena new Santa Claus in power,
Hanukkah is in jeopardy. Our first order
of business is to put into motion a plan
to create goodwill towards the Jewish
Community. Mr. Chairman of the Worldwide
Jewish Media Conspiracy.
HARVEY WEINSTEIN sits before a plaque reading, "HARVEY
WEINSTEIN - CHAIRMAN WORLDWIDE JEWISH MEDIA CONSPIRACY"
HARVEY WEINSTEIN
Yes Chief.
CHIEF
We need your people to crank out a couple
more award winning documentaries on the
Holocaust, possibly a new Adam Sandler
movie.
The CHAIRMAN OF THE ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE pipes in.
ADL CHAIRMAN
Not another Adam Sandler movie!
HARVEY WEINSTEIN
What's wrong with Adam Sandler movies?
ADL CHAIRMAN
We're trying to create goodwill here. I
just think...
HARVEY WEINSTEIN
Frankly, I don't care what you think. I
think you're a putz.
The plaque reading "Anti-Defamation League" is clearly framed
in this shot.
ADL CHAIRMAN
(Beat)
Don't defame me. I'm against that.
CHIEF
Focus people. Our next order of business
is to assign an agent to track Santa's
activities. Step in and use force if the
situation calls for it.
We need to put the toughest Jew we have
on the case. Suggestions? Suggestions,
anybody?
One of the JDL MEMBERS calls out.
JDL MEMBER 1
What about Steven Spielberg?
CHIEF
C'mon, he made ET. We need someone tough
people.
A SECOND MEMBER calls out.
JDL MEMBER 2
What about Itzahk Perlman?
CHIEF
He's in a wheelchair for crying out loud.
We stay on the chief while we hear offscreen...
JDL MEMBER'S 3 AND 4 (O.S.)
Allen Greenspan? Henry Kissinger?
CHIEF
Too old.
ADL CHAIRMAN
Joe Lieberman?
CHIEF
Missing in action.
JDL MEMBER 1
Robert Shapiro?
CHIEF
He's a lawyer. We're looking for heros
people.
HARVEY WEINSTEIN
David Copperfield?
CHIEF
What's he gonna do, make Santa disappear?
Think people think. We need a hard
hittin' Hebe on this one.
At the back of the room, ESTHER (25), a Semitic siren, pushes
her way to the front. A black skirt covers every inch of her
sexy figure.
ESTHER
What about Mordechai Jefferson Carver?
The hall fills with hushed voices as the various members of
the JDL whisper to one another.
CHIEF
The Hebrew Hammer? No. No way. After the
way he handled that situation in the West
Bank? He's the only Jew in the world too
extreme for the JDL. There's a reason why
we kicked him out of our ranks,
sweetheart. We need a man who can follow
orders. A man with self-control. We need
a man...
The COUNCIL ELDER, a sage looking elderly Jewish man
interrupts. The plaque in front of him reads, "SAGE ELDERLY
JEWISH LEADER."
COUNCIL ELDER
...We need a man who can get the job
done.
ESTHER
Daddy, he's our only hope. And you know
it.
The Chief nods his head reluctantly.
ADL CHAIRMAN
Only problem is, ever since we kicked him
out, he wants nothing to do with us.
There's no way we can persuade him to
come back.
Esther lifts her skirt a few inches.
ESTHER
Perhaps I can persuade him.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
INT. HEBREW HAMMER INVESTIGATIONS - PRIVATE OFFICE - DAY
A shoddy low-rent office replete with Film Noirish lighting
via the blinds. The Hammer fiddles with a dreidel as he sits
with his feet propped up on his desk. His Shtreml hat is
skewed to one side and a toothpick dangles from his lips.
HAMMER (V.O.)
It was the day before Hanukkah when she
strolled into my office.
There is knock at the door.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Come in.
The door opens to reveal a long denim skirt covering every
possible inch of flesh. We tilt up the length of the skirt to
reveal Esther. She is breathtakingly sexy.
The Hammer quickly removes his feet from the table. Esther
approaches his desk and sits.
ESTHER
Mr. Jefferson Carver?
HAMMER
Please, call me Mordechai.
HAMMER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
From the way she carried herself I could
tell she'd been around the block a few
times...
ESTHER
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a pisher, and
I've been circling the block for the past
half hour looking for parking. What are
you listening to?
HAMMER (V.O.)
Oh, the things I would do to her if I had
the...
The Hammer attempts to press stop on his tape recorder, but
accidentally FAST FORWARDS to another part of the tape. We
hear the sound of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. The Hammer scrambles
for the STOP button.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Client notes. Sorry.
(Beat)
What can I do for you?
ESTHER
My name is Esther. Chief
Bloomenbergensteinenthal from the Jewish
Defense League desperately needs to speak
with you.
HAMMER
How is old Chief
Bloomenbergensteinenthal?
Is he still shtooping every girl he can
get his hands on?
ESTHER
(Annoyed)
Actually, his days of marital infidelity
have long since past. Now he just shtoops
my mother exclusively.
The Hammer makes the realization.
HAMMER
Your mother? Oh. Whoops.
ESTHER
Mordechai, Santa Claus has been rubbed
out by his son Damian. The man's a demon.
There's no telling what this new anti
semitic psycho Santa is capable of.
HAMMER
I'm sorry to hear about Santa. He was a
good friend, but my days...
The Hammer stops himself and glances over Esther's shoulder.
In the doorway stands a BLONDE BOMBSHELL in a mink coat.
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
Mr. Hammer? I'd like to hire you to put a
tail on my husband. I think my life might
be in danger. I think he wants to kill
me.
HAMMER
Sorry Shiksa, I think you got the wrong
office. I'm the Hebrew Hammer. Mike
Hammer's down the hall.
The Blonde Bombshell is confused for a moment.
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
Oh.
She leaves.
HAMMER
Listen. Esther, you seem like a nice
girl, so I'm only gonna say this once. I
no longer affiliate myself with that
organization. The politics there were
brutal. Besides, I've already got a full
case load.
Esther looks down at his desk.
We cut to a shot of the Hammer's In/Out Box. Both are
completely empty, and thickly coated with spiderwebs.
The Hammer takes notice of her expression of skepticism.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
That's...uh...that's all done
electronically now.
Still a look of disbelief.
ESTHER
Why are you being so difficult? All my
father wants is to just speak with...
HAMMER
I hate to cut you short, but in an hour
the sun goes down, and then it's
officially the Sabbath. I can't work on
the Sabbath. This is where we're going to
have to part ways boobola.
The Hammer grabs his overcoat from the coat rack. Esther gets
up as well.
ESTHER
I'm not leaving your side until I get you
to agree to come speak with my father.
It's obvious the Hammer's amused by her persistence.
HAMMER
Be my guest. But I have to warn you, I'm
going to my mother's for dinner tonight.
And if you think I'm difficult, wait till
you meet her.
The two walk towards the front door of the office.
ESTHER
(Solemnly)
Before we leave, there's just one more
thing. I noticed that the sign on your
door says you're a certified circumcised
dick. Would you mind if I asked to see
your credentials?
The Hammer looks directly into the camera and shakes his head
proudly.
CUT TO:
EXT. MRS. CARVER'S HOUSE - SHABAT
We start on the outside of the front door as we hear the Ding
of the doorbell. MRS. CARVER, the epitome of Jewish
motherhood opens the door.
For all the Gentiles reading, I thought I might digress for
just a moment. JEWISH MOTHER (adj.) A complicated and
charismatic package of the following qualities rolled into
human female form: intense, judgmental, overbearing,
manipulative, lacking boundaries, yet fiercely involved,
loving, and protective of her children. Got it?
MRS. CARVER
Mordechai! Shabat Shalom!
The Hammer pulls a bottle of wine out from a paper bag.
HAMMER
Shabat Shalom mama. I brought some
Manischewitz. The black label.
MRS. CARVER
I can see. And you also brought a nice
girl to come eat by us.
Mrs. Carver forcefully grabs Esther into an embrace
resembling a bear hug, and begins to plaster her with sloppy
kisses. Esther is visibly overwhelmed by it all as the
kissing and embracing continue for a bit too long.
Mrs. Carver places her tongue into Esther's ear canal as a
sign of affection, forcing Esther to break the embrace. Mrs.
Carver and Esther look at one another strangely for an
awkward few moments.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
So. Do you have a name?
ESTHER
It's Esther.
MRS. CARVER
(She sighs ferclempt)
From the story of Purim.
(To Hammer)
Well, now that we're all acquainted,
let's sit down and start the Sabbath.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: 4 HOURS LATER
INT. MRS. CARVER'S DINING ROOM - 4 HOURS LATER
The Hammer and Esther grasp their stomachs which protrude
from underneath their slightly unbuttoned shirts. Plates of
half-eaten food are everywhere. On the table, on the dining
room furniture behind them, etc.
HAMMER
Oy vey, I'm stuffed.
ESTHER
I don't think I could eat another latke
if you paid me.
Mrs. Carver enters the dining room through the kitchen door
carrying an enormous platter loaded with serving dish after
serving dish of food.
MRS. CARVER
Everybody ready for the main course?
Esther and the Hammer exchange looks.
HAMMER
Mom, I think we've had enough.
Mrs. Carver places the food on a dresser opposite the kitchen
table and then sits.
MRS. CARVER
(Hysterically)
Nonsense young man. You'll eat everything
in front of you. After all, there are
people starving in China. Isn't that
right Mun Chi?
We cut to a previously unseen end of the table. MUN CHI, a
skin and bones elderly Chinese man looks up in response to
his name. The plate directly in front of him is still
pristine. He mutters something in Chinese and then reaches
for a chicken wing on a platter in the middle of the table.
Mrs. Carver smacks his hands away with a wooden salad spoon
and then glares at him.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Not until Mordechai finishes everything
in front of him.
Mrs. Carver directs her piercing stare at the Hammer.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Mordechai!?
(Beat)
So, Esther, how did you and Mordechai
meet. You know they call him the Hebrew
Hammer for a reason.
Esther coughs up some of her food. The Hammer interjects.
HAMMER
Mom! Esther works for the JDL. They sent
her to try and recruit me back to save
Hanukkah for them. What she doesn't seem
to understand is that nothing, not even
god himself could convince me to ever
work for them again.
ESTHER
But Hanukkah's in dan...
The Hammer cuts her off.
HAMMER
Not my problem. If you'll excuse me now,
I need to use the bathroom.
He stands and leaves.
Mrs. Carver stares lovingly at Esther.
MRS. CARVER
You like my Mordechai, yes?
ESTHER
He's...he's very nice.
(Desperately)
But Mrs. Carver, the fate of Hanukkah
rests solely in his hands. Please, you
have to help me.
MRS. CARVER
Hanukkah, Shmanukkah. It isn't even one
of the high holidays. What concerns me
more is that my boychick is almost
thirty, and has yet to settle down with a
nice Jewish girl.
(Beat)
I'll make you a deal. I'll help you with
your little Hanukkah problem if you help
me with my Mordechai.
ESTHER
(Confused)
What do you want me to do?
MRS. CARVER
He works too much. God forbid he should
have a nice Jewish girl come eat by him
once in a while. Take his mind off his
work. Maybe a blowjob here and there.
Esther begins to choke again.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Is this something you could do for me?
The Hammer calls out from the bathroom.
HAMMER
Mom, where do you keep the plunger?
MRS. CARVER
(Yells)
It's under the sink by my tampons!
Esther appears panicked.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
So, do we have a deal?
In the BG, we hear the toilet FLUSH. The Hammer begins his
walk back to the table.
ESTHER
Deal.
The Hammer sits down.
HAMMER
So, what did you two ladies discuss while
I was gone.
Esther begins to speak, but Mrs. Carver interrupts.
MRS. CARVER
I was just telling your nice friend
Esther about how I used to have such a
problem with the gas.
(To Esther)
So, once I started taking two charcoal
pills before I ate, the gas cleared
itself right up.
Esther plays along.
ESTHER
Thanks. That's...good to know.
Mrs. Carver turns her attention towards her son.
MRS. CARVER
Mordechai. Do you love your mother?
HAMMER
Mom, stop with this already. Of course I
love you. You're my mother.
MRS. CARVER
Then how come you won't stop this
Certified Circumcised Dick nonsense and
get yourself a real job.
HAMMER
Mom, I have a real job. I do good things
for this community. I help people.
MRS. CARVER
When I play bridge with all the girls,
everyone has what to talk about with
their sons. They show pictures. Their
sons are lawyers and doctors and Rabbis.
Why can't I show a picture?
HAMMER
(Angered)
So don't show a picture.
MRS. CARVER
You know my friend Maureen? Her son, the
investment banker? He paid for her entire
retirement in Boca Raton. What a mench he
is. Instead of schleping to save
Hanukkah, god forbid you should go back
to business school and get an MBA. Maybe
then you could send me to Boca, too.
This puts the Hammer into a neurotic fit.
HAMMER
Oh. Oh, What. So, all of a sudden my
saving Hanukkah's not good enough for
you? Is that what your saying?
Mrs. Carver throws her arms up in resignation.
MRS. CARVER
I don't want to argue with you. Let's
just eat in peace.
HAMMER
No. No. We're gonna argue. And you know
what mom? I'm going to save Hanukkah just
to spite you. And when my face is all
over the television. When your friends
are opening their Hanukkah gifts next
year, don't mention it to them, okay? I
wouldn't want you to have to show my
picture.
MRS. CARVER
Do what you must.
Mrs. Carver looks at Esther and winks.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
(To Esther)
Such a good boy he is.
The Hammer shakes his head in frustration.
Mrs. Carver becomes very animated.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Mazel Tov!
MAZEL TOV, a tabby with two paralyzed back legs wearing a
diaper slides itself across the floor. With each writhing
motion we hear a very distinct SWISHING NOISE.
Mrs. Carver picks the cat up and places it in her lap. Mazel
Tov makes a strange, UNHAPPY NOISE.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
What's that Mazel Tov? Your diaper needs
changing?
Mrs. Carver pulls off Mazel Tov's diaper while it still sits
in her lap. She plays with undiapered cat's two good paws.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
(To Mazel Tov)
Let's let your tuchus breathe.
HAMMER
Mom, why don't you put that cat out of
its misery?
MRS. CARVER
(Extremely offended)
Because it isn't god's way.
When you spent the fourth grade in bed
recovering from your bout with
hypoglycemia, did I put you down? No.
Mazel Tov will lead a full life just like
the rest of us. Isn't that right Mazel
Tov?
The cat purrs back at her. She takes the cat from her lap and
places it on the floor.
BROWN STREAKS cover her white blouse.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Anybody hungry for desert?
CUT TO:
EXT. JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - SUNDAY
"JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - SUNDAY - 0800 Hrs - Year 5734" is
typed out sequentially over the image of the building.
EXT. JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE FRONT GATE - CONTINUOUS
The exterior resembles any walled private residence with a
front gate. The Hammer stands in front of the large, metallic
Star Of David vault-like gate and pushes the button next to
it. A COMPUTERIZED VOICE begins...
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Jew Confirmation Test initiated.
He's clearly irritated by this.
HAMMER
You've gotta be kidding me. They're still
doing this?
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Please state your full Hebrew name.
HAMMER
Mordechai Baruch Netanyahoo.
The vault-like gate slides open in a futuristic manner, and
the Hammer steps in. The gate shuts behind him, and he finds
himself in an all white room. A microphone is placed by
another massive door directly in front of him.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Please state the six dishes found on the
Passover Seder plate in alphabetical
order?
HAMMER
Beitzah, Charoset, Chazeret, Karpas,
Maror, and Zeroa.
The second door slides open, and Morty steps forward into the
next room. Inside this room lies a single violin in a case.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Please demonstrate musical aptitude.
The Hammer picks up the violin and begins to play 'Hava
Nagila.' He's pretty damn good at it. The next door slides
open, and Hammer steps forward into yet another room.
A drape, about four feet high off the floor, is stretched
into a semi-circle against the wall of the room.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE (CONT'D)
Please step forward and remove your
undergarments.
The Hammer steps inside the drape, and drops his pants.
A panel on the wall opens, and a metal probe heads for his
shmekel. He is clearly uncomfortable with this bit of
testing.
HAMMER
Oooh. That's cold.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Circumcision confirmed.
The door slides open, and the Hammer quickly pulls his pants
up as he steps into the next room. The room is completely
empty with the exception of a one way mirror on the front
wall by the door.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE (CONT'D)
Final test initiated.
Nothing happens. The Hammer waits a few seconds, but quickly
becomes agitated.
HAMMER
Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think this
machine is broken or something. Hello?
(To himself)
This is ridiculous! I didn't even want to
come here. I shlep all the way out to the
middle of nowhere, for lord knows what
purpose, and...
We cut to the OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. The Chief observes
the Hammer as he continues to whine. Next to them, a METER
with the label "WHINING SCALE" slowly grows in magnitude as
the Hammer continues to rant. The meter bars go from red to
yellow in color.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
I am so unhappy with this situation. Why
Mordechai? Why do you always feel it
necessary to do what other people want
you to do? Why can't you be your own
man...
CHIEF
Come on. Come on.
The meter bars switch from yellow to green, finally passing
the '0 - Jewish' mark.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
(To himself)
He's still got it.
Back inside with the Hammer, the doors slide open, revealing
the Chief to the Hammer.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
Welcome back Hammer.
CUT TO:
INT. JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The Hammer and the Chief make their way down the hallway.
CHIEF
Since you've been gone Hammer, some
things have changed around here. Our
agents are now subjected to a strict
physical training regiment. Take a look.
The Chief stops at a door labeled "Goldsmith's Gym." The sign
is illustrated with a picture of a Hasidic Jew squatting a
dumbbell a la Gold's Gym. The Chief opens the door.
INT. KARATE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Inside, about FIVE or so HASIDS decked out in white Karate
gi's stand facing the door. By the front door, A GROUP
LEADER, notices the Hammer, and walks towards the door. He
bows with his hands folded in front of him as a sign of
respect.
The Hammer returns the gesture.
The Group Leader shakes his head in one last respect, and
then turns away from the Hammer as he goes back to his class.
On the back of his gi is written the word "JEW-DO."
HAMMER
A minion practicing Jew-do, the deadly
fighting art. Cool.
CHIEF
There's more. Follow me.
The two leave, and continue their walk down the hallway. An
agent with his back to camera fiddles with some HIGH-TECH
gadgetry that lines the walls.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
We've even relaxed our centuries old
admissions criteria.
The Chief stops behind the man and taps him on the back.
SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR., the spitting image of Sammy, turns to
greet the two.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, I'd like for
you to meet the Jewish Defense League's
first black Jewish agent. A close
personal friend of mine, agent Sammy
Davis Jr. Jr.
SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
The Hebrew Hammer? I've heard about this
cat. Your beautiful babe. Keep on keeping
on.
The Hammer is a bit taken back.
HAMMER
Alright. I'll, uh, keep doing that.
Sammy's all smiles.
CHIEF
Sammy, if you'll excuse us, Mordechai and
I have business to attend to.
SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
You two cats keeps purrin'.
INT. THE CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY
Your standard 70's TV police Chief's office. The Hammer
enters and the Chief shuts the door behind him.
CHIEF
Alright Mordechai, now that we're alone I
just want to say that I'm not happy about
this. I don't want a repeat of that
incident in the West Bank.
HAMMER
I got the job done didn't I? I did what I
had to do.
CHIEF
A settlement completely demolished, ten
smashed army jeeps, four dead Arabs. G
dash D damn it, Hammer! You think you're
above the Ten Commandments? Just find
Santa Claus and bring him back to us. No
heroics, got it?
HAMMER
(Smirks)
Hey, it's your Bar Mitzvah. I'm just
readin' the Torah portion.
CHIEF
Well it's good to see that you can be so
nonchalant about the whole thing.
HAMMER
(Thinking)
I guess I could be chalant about it, but
then again I'm not even sure if that's a
word. Listen Chief, we could stand around
arguing all day, but I gotta case to
crack.
CHIEF
What's your first move?
HAMMER
I'm gonna pay a visit to the K.L.F. See
if they've got the 411 on Santa's
location. I'll check in with you when I
know more.
The Hammer heads for the door.
CHIEF
You be careful Hammer.
The Hammer walks out the door. The Chief calls to him.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
The fate of Hanukkah rests squarely on
your shoulders.
A beat passes, and then the Hammer walks back in.
HAMMER
Okay. You guys have seriously got to stop
with that stuff. That's a lot of pressure
to put on one Jew. I'm only human you
know. I'm already shvitzing about the
whole thing. You know, believe it or not,
I'm allowed to make mistakes, too. I can
only do the best that I can do, and
that's just gonna have to be good enough
for all of you.
A reaction shot of the befuddled Chief.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Just...just stop with that. Okay?
Alright, I'm out of here.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. GHETTO STREETS - DAY
We see various shots of the Hammer's Caddy. The grill, the
white wall tires, the fuzzy dreidel hanging from the rear
view mirror, etc. Very 'Superfly.'
EXT. KWANZAA LIBERATION FRONT - DAY
We start on an incredibly impressive looking building. Over
this we see the words "KWANZAA LIBERATION FRONT" typed out
sequentially. The camera than tilts down to reveal a Popeye's
Chicken.
A BLACK TEENAGER scouts the street with a pair of binoculars.
BINOCULAR POV - Instead of the usual two circles, we see the
world through two cutouts of the African continent. The
Hammer's Caddy pulls up.
BLACK TEENAGER
Oh shit!
The teen runs inside.
The Hammer's Caddy pulls up to a stop right at camera, giving
us a full view of the license plate. It reads, "LCHAIM."
INT. KWANZAA LIBERATION FRONT HQ - MOMENTS LATER
A handful of BAAAD BROTHERS, decked out in a mixture of
African clothing and combat gear relax to the sounds of
mellow Blaxploitation music. 'KWANZAA NOW!' posters and other
Pro-Kwanzaa propaganda hang on the walls of the room, machine
guns rest idly against sofas, blunts are passed around.
We're talking Black Panthers here. A WHITE ACCOUNTANT counts
money at a card table to the side of the room.
The black teenager enters breathlessly.
BLACK TEENAGER
Hey, yo, we got ourselves a visitor.
O.S., one of the BAAAD BROTHERS inquires.
BAAAD BROTHER (O.S.)
Who is it?
BLACK TEENAGER
It's some pimped out Hebrew dude in a
caddy.
The men scramble for their guns, inserting clips, and
removing safeties.
The front doors bust open, and we DOLLY into the Hammer.
All guns are trained on him.
From behind the frontline of gunmen, MOHAMMED, clearly the
leader of the operation, pushes his way through.
He walks towards the Hammer. You can feel the tension in the
room.
MOHAMMED
The Hebrew Hammer! My main Kike!
HAMMER
Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim. My main
nigga!
The two embrace in a warm hug. The White Accountant looks up
in shock from the card table. His nametag is clearly visible,
and it reads, "WHITE ACCOUNTANT." He points at Mohammed.
WHITE ACCOUNTANT
You...you just called him a Kike.
He points to the Hammer.
WHITE ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
And you. You just called him a Nigger.
The Hammer and Mohammed look to one another. They're having a
hard time understanding his concern.
MOHAMMED
Well it's okay when we call each other
that.
The White Accountant thinks it over for a second.
WHITE ACCOUNTANT
Oh.
The other Brothers put their guns down and go back to their
pre-Hammer activities, and the accountant takes his place
back at the card table.
Mohammed puts his arm around the Hammer.
MOHAMMED
So Morde-chai, tell me, what brings your
bad self down to the KLF?
HAMMER
I'm back on the job for the JDL. You hear
about that crazy white boy who took over
as Santa?
MOHAMMED
Oh, most definitely. Got the brothers
here in full alert mode.
The Hammer looks over at the Brothers smoking weed, making
out with their girlfriends, etc. Mohammed takes notice.
MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
Gotta always be cool under pressure. You
know what I'm sayin.
HAMMER
True dat. True dat. So, what's the word
on the street?
MOHAMMED
Word is that papa's got a brand new bag,
and it's velvety red, and it ain't gonna
be overnight Fed-Exed to Jerusalem. If
you know what I mean.
This clearly flies over the Hammer's yarmulke.
HAMMER
Actually, I...I don't. What does that
mean?
MOHAMMED
Oh. It means that Santa's gonna fuck
Hanukkah's shit up.
HAMMER
Not if I can help it. You got any
information for me?
MOHAMMED
I don't. But I know somebody who does.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER ROOM
Mohammed escorts the Hammer through a love beaded doorway
into a back room. Inside, JAMAL, a black elf, sits on a sofa.
A blunt hangs from his mouth and his arms are wrapped around
two GORGEOUS SISTERS.
MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
Jamal, I'd like for you to meet the
Hebrew Hammer.
Jamal pulls his shades down slightly to get a better look.
JAMAL
'Sup.
MOHAMMED
I'd like for you to tell him what you
told me.
JAMAL
A'ight, a'ight, cool. Yo, it's like this.
That nigga Santy Claus be trippin'. First
that motherfucker kills his own pops,
then he start talkin' 'bout bustin a cap
in Hanukkah's ass. Next, the racist
motherfucker kick my ass out the
workshop, sayin' that there ain't no room
for no little colored elves like me. Can
you believe that shit? Yo, if it wasn't
for the arthritis in my joints, you best
believe that I'd be...
Jamal makes the sideways gun holding gesture, and mock pulls
the trigger.
JAMAL (CONT'D)
...blam! blam! blam! Bustin' caps all up
in his ass. You know what I'm sayin'?
HAMMER
Is there anything else you can tell me?
His hangouts, his next move, anything?
Jamal thinks for a second.
JAMAL
Well, come to think of it, there is one
thing. Before I left, I was packin' up my
shit and I overheard the nigga talkin' to
some business pahtnah or something. Sayin
that he'd meet him today at some joint
called Duke's. Round five o'clock if my
memory serves. When he got off the phone
and jetted, I scoped the room for some
jewelry, cash, whatevers. You know, a
severance package. Didn't find any
duckets, but I did snatch this.
Jamal pulls out a matchbbok from his pocket. The front cover
reads, "DUKE'S - WHERE SKIN IS IN." He hands it to the
Hammer.
HAMMER
Thanks little brother, you've been a big
help.
JAMAL
Shit fool, ain't no thang. If it wasn't
for my real brothers here at the K.L.F.,
I'd be shining shoes at the train station
or getting my afro tossed up against a
velcro wall in some redneck bar
somewhere. I finally gots a place where I
belong. Fuck Christmas. I'm all about
smoking blunts and pimpin' bitches. I'm
all about Kwanzaa nigga!
Mohammed and the Hammer head towards the door.
MOHAMMED
He's new. He's still got a long way to go
before he understands the true meaning of
Kwanzaa.
HAMMER
Thanks again Mo, you always deliver the
goods.
MOHAMMED
You watch your back Hammer. Hanukkah
might just be his first move. For all we
know Kwanzaa could be next. There's a lot
of brothers counting on you. If you
fail...
HAMMER
Okay, look. I'm going to work really,
really hard on this one. But, please stop
with the pressure. I'm already tense as
it is.
MOHAMMED
It's cool. It's cool. Aveenooh Shalom
Alechem, brother.
Mohammed pounds his fist against his chest and then raises
it. The Hammer returns the gesture.
HAMMER
Alekem Salam.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - AFTERNOON
The Hammer's Caddy drives past a sneaky looking SALVATION
NAVY GUY. We do your standard BLAXPLOITATION ZOOM into him as
he begins to speak into the lapel of his uniform.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
Santa holds a walkie-talkie in hand and we the hear the voice
of the Salvation Navy Guy. Although behind him hangs a banner
reading, "SANTA'S WORKSHOP," the interior is a run down
sweatshop.
SALVATION NAVY GUY (O.S.)
It's me. He's on his way.
SANTA
Excellent. Everything is going as
planned.
Santa puts the walkie-talkie down, and addresses somebody
O.S.
SANTA (CONT'D)
With the Hebrew Hammer out of the
picture, Hanukkah will be nothing more
than a confusing and hard to pronounce
word. I want to thank you very much Jamal
for all of your help.
We cut to the other side to reveal whom he's speaking to.
Jamal, the same black 'elf' from the Kwanzaa Liberation Front
sits at the table across from Santa.
JAMAL
Pfff. Shit nigga, ain't no thang. Hey, yo
Santy Claus, so does this mean that you
gonna make me an official elf now?
SANTA
Can you believe this guy Tiny Tim?
Santa looks over to TINY TIM. Unshaven, not so tiny anymore,
and still on crutches, Tiny Tim's grown up since 'A Christmas
Carol.' A common street thug. C'mon, did you seriously think
that Scrooge would give free handouts to the Cratchit family
forever?
Tiny Tim shrugs his shoulders.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Take a look around you Jamal. Do you see
any colored midgets in my workshop?
A shot of a couple of the same elves from the conference room
slaving away on the assembly line.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Your presence would be a disruption to
the utopian model of efficiency I've
created here.
JAMAL
That's some cold shit.
The ELVES appear to be struggling with the speed at which the
products move down the assembly line. The HEAD ELF steps out
from the assembly line and addresses Santa.
HEAD ELF
Utopian model of efficiency my ass! Ever
since you took charge, this place has
been more like a sweatshop.
The other elves stop working and vocalize their agreement
with the Head Elf.
HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
We know our rights Santa! You're in
violation of the union regulations! We're
going on strike!
The other elves shout out their approval. Santa takes it all
in stride.
SANTA
You know something, you're right.
The Head Elf is taken aback by what seems to be a glimpse of
compassion on Santa's part.
HEAD ELF
Really?
SANTA
Yeah. This is a sweatshop. And since you
elves aren't willing to do the work, I
made arrangements to have some Taiwanese
children shipped over. And I might add,
they're more than willing to work for
peanuts.
Santa performs the two fingered whistle.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Come on in boys!
A group of FIVE TAIWANESE BOYS file past Santa towards the
assembly line.
As each child passes Santa, he hands them each a bag of
PEANUTS.
At the assembly line, the Taiwanese boys move like lightning
as they gift wrap boxes clearly labeled "NIKEY," "KATHY LEE
CLOTHING COMPANY," and "STARSTRUCKS COFFEE."
The elves, including Jamal, watch in amazement at their
agility and efficiency.
Defeated, they shuffle out of the workshop.
TINY TIM
So, what's our first plan of attack
Santa?
SANTA
While I was in Taiwan negotiating the
solution to our labor problems, I came
across a factory that illegally
manufactures the most addictive, Jewish
pride weakening substance on the planet.
I bought the entire plant.
Santa walks over to a FED-Y truck overflowing with large
brown cardboard boxes marked 'PRODUCT.'
SANTA (CONT'D)
I want you and your men to target every
young person in the Jewish neighborhoods
of every major city of this country. I
want you to flood their streets with this
product.
TINY TIM
What should I charge?
SANTA
Oh, that's the beauty of it. These are
free samples.
Tiny Tim's curiosity is peaked.
TINY TIM
So what's in the boxes? Heroin? Cocaine?
SANTA
Worse.
Santa slits open one of the boxes with a large knife and
pulls out a VIDEOCASSETTE generically labeled, "It's A
Wonderful Life."
SANTA (CONT'D)
Bootleg copies of the Frank Capra
classic, 'It's A Wonderful Life.'
TINY TIM
That's some cold shit.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. DUKE'S BAR - DAY
HARD CORE PUNK music pours out from the inside of the bar.
The Hammer walks into frame and looks up at the sign. He
curiously notes the ASTRO TURF spread across the pavement,
and then makes his way for the front door.
INT. DUKE'S BAR - AFTERNOON
We DOLLY into the Hammer as he pushes open the WESTERN STYLE
doors.
The MUSIC comes to a SCREECHING STOP. We HOLD ON HIS CU as he
looks around.
We cut to the other side to get a look at what he sees - A
bar of about TEN SKINHEADS staring back at him dumbfounded.
Skinhead paraphernalia adorns the walls.
The Hammer maintains his cool, takes a deep breath, and then
walks towards the bar.
We cut to a FLOOR LEVEL shot as his STAR OF DAVID SPURS
jangle as he continues his walk to the bar.
He steps up to the counter, where a SKINHEAD BARTENDER with a
Manson-like swastika inked on his forehead studies him
curiously.
HAMMER
Manischewitz. Straight up.
SKINHEAD BARTENDER
Usually we don't serve your kind. But
since you had the balls to walk in here,
Kike, I'll pour you one last drink before
we lynch you.
The bartender reaches for a bottle of cherry flavored
Manischewitz wine. The Hammer interrupts him by clearing his
throat.
HAMMER
Actually, can I have the black label?
The Bartender eyeballs him, and then grabs the bottle of
Black Label Manischewitz. He grabs a glass from the rack, and
begins to pour.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
I figure if this is my last drink, you
might as well leave the bottle.
The bartender stops pouring and places the bottle on the bar.
SKINHEAD BARTENDER
Be my guest.
HAMMER
Do you guys take Shekels? I just got back
from a trip in Israel, and all I've got
is a fistful of Shekels.
He drops a fistful of Shekels on the bar.
A FEW SKINHEADS slowly begin to approach the bar.
The Hammer picks up the bottle and begins to examine it.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
5733. That was a good year for me.
With one swift motion, the Hammer spins the bottle up to grab
it by the neck, and thwacks the bartender on the head with
it.
All of the OTHER OCCUPANTS in the bar jump out of their
seats, encircling the Hammer.
We do a QUICK PUSH into the Hammer as he pulls out TWO SAWED
OFF SHOTGUNS from underneath his coat.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Shabat Shalom, motherfuckers.
He points his weapons, and we...
CUT TO:
EXT. DUKE'S BAR - CONTINUOUS
A WIDE SHOT of the bar. The camera is STATIONARY. We hear the
sound of SHOTGUNS BLASTING and then the sounds of intense
FIGHTING. A few seconds of the fighting sounds pass.
Suddenly, the front doors bust open and a few bloodied
Skinheads fall out onto the ground, followed by the Hammer.
He's untouched, and he carries the bottle of Manischewitz in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.
He stops in the MIDGROUND, and pours the Manischewitz out on
the astroturf lawn in a methodical manner.
He approaches FOREGROUND, and pulls out something from his
jacket pocket.
We see a CU of the same matchbook the elf gave him. "DUKE'S -
WHERE SKIN IS IN."
He lights a match and tosses it over his shoulder. We hear
the sounds of bursting flames.
The Hammer puts his sunglasses on, and walks straight past
the camera.
We pull back into a SPINNING OVERHEAD to reveal flames in the
shape of the STAR OF DAVID burning on the lawn.
FADE TO BLACK.
PUSHERMAN MONTAGE
Curtis Mayfield's 'Pusherman' FADES UP, and we cut into a
STILL PHOTO of Tiny Tim with his arms around two Hasidic boys
in an a alley. The SCREEN DIVIDES INTO THIRDS as we see CU's
of each character smiling. Stills are constantly replaced in
time with the music. We see a still of MONEY BEING EXCHANGED,
then HANDS BEING SHAKEN. Then a still of a VIDEOCASSETTE
BEING PLACED INTO A VCR, A HASIDIC KID WATCHING THE TV, etc.
The music continues as we...
CUT TO:
INT. JEWISH HOME - DAY
Maccabee, the same kid the Hammer gave the Hanukkah present
to earlier in the film, sits glued to his television set.
O.S. from the television we hear someone approximating Zuzu
from the film 'It's A Wonderful Life' say...
TELEVISION SET
Papa, Papa! Mommy says that every time
you hear the sound of a bell ringing an
angel gets his wings!
A JEWISH MOTHER calls to her son from O.S.
JEWISH MOTHER (O.S.)
Maccabee! It's time to light the menorah!
Maccabee looks over his shoulder in disgust, and then CRANKS
UP THE VOLUME on the film until all other sounds are drowned
out.
CUT BACK TO:
PUSHERMAN MONTAGE
More STILLS depicting the sale and distribution of the
videocassettes.
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER JEWISH HOME - NIGHT
A second ADDICT JEWISH CHILD is glued to his TV set. Drool
slowly makes its way down his chin. He gets up, and we FOLLOW
him into the living room where we find his PARENTS. His
father reads a newspaper, while his mother is absorbed in her
knitting.
ADDICT JEWISH CHILD
Mom, dad. How come you made me Jewish?
His parents look to one another in absolute shock.
CUT BACK TO:
MORE PUSHERMAN MONTAGE
More STILLS...
CUT TO:
INT. YET ANOTHER JEWISH HOME - DAY
An ADOLESCENT HASIDIC BOY backs his way through the front
door into the kitchen. He's carrying an incredibly large
CHRISTMAS TREE.
We cut to a shot of HIS FAMILY, who watch this all go down as
they sit at the kitchen table.
The Adolescent Hasid finally gets the tree into the house,
and turns to see the rest of his family staring at him,
mouths agape.
ADOLESCENT HASIDIC BOY
What? It's a Hanukkah bush.
The family remains expressionless.
The glass in his mother's hand, slips from her grasp and
shatters on the kitchen floor.
EXT. JEWISH GHETTO STREET - DAY
The Hammer's Caddy cruises slowly down the street.
INT. HAMMER'S CADDY - CONTINUOUS
Things definitely seem odd. The Hammer looks out his left
window. TWO Hasidic CHILDREN decorate a giant Christmas tree
on the street.
He looks to his right. A GROUP of HASIDIC kids sing Christmas
Carols.
The Hammer looks through his front windshield. A kid is
standing right in the middle of the road!
The Hammer slams on his breaks, skidding to a stop just
inches from the kid. It's Shlomo (remember the kid the Hammer
helped with the Yarmulke earlier?), and he has a strange
glazed look in his eyes. Shlomo holds a videocassette in his
hand.
The Hammer steps out of the Caddy, leaving his car door open.
We hear the annoying beep, beep, beep door ajar sound.
HAMMER
Shlomo, you okay?
SHLOMO
(Dreamily)
Mommy says that every time you hear the
sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
his wings!
HAMMER
Huh.
The car door beeps again. The kid looks to it, and the Hammer
follows his gaze.
SHLOMO
Mommy says that every time you hear the
sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
his wings!
The Hammer is baffled. He looks down at Shlomo's hand and
spots the videocassette. He grabs it from him and examines at
it.
HAMMER
Bootleg 'It's A Wonderful Life' from
Taiwan.
The Hammer inspects the tape a little longer, and then gives
the label a huge lick.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Sixty five percent pure. Damn! People
could get hurt watching this shit.
(To Shlomo)
Come with me.
A POV shot from inside the Hammer's trunk as it opens. Hammer
stands with Shlomo.
Inside the trunk we see a box of videos. The three on top
read, "Fiddler On The Roof," "Yentl," and "Chaim Potok's The
Chosen." The Hammer grabs a copy of the Chosen and hands it
to Shlomo.
SHLOMO
Chaim Potok's The Chosen?
HAMMER
Get yourself home and watch this as soon
as possible.
A HASIDIC KID ON A BIKE with a Christmas tree in tow rides
past the two. One of the ornaments makes a tinkling sound.
SHLOMO
Mommy says that every time you hear the
sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
his wings!
The Hammer slaps him out of his spell.
HAMMER
Hey, hey, hey! You can beat this. Now get
going.
EXT. JEWISH GHETTO STREET - MOMENTS LATER
The Hammer dials a number on the payphone. As he dials, he
verbalizes the number he's calling.
HAMMER
555-55-555-55555...
The Hammer struggles with the last number, but then quickly
remembers.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
...5.
It rings once, and then we hear the other line pick up.
INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The Chief's on the other end.
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION
HAMMER
Chief, it's me. Listen carefully. I need
for the Worldwide Jewish Media Conspiracy
to mass produce video copies of every
Hollywood movie ever made featuring a
positive Jewish protagonist as its lead.
CHIEF
You mean you want us to make copies of
Yentl, Fiddler On The Roof, and Chaim
Potok's The Chosen?
HAMMER
That'll work. Get them out to the Jewish
community stat. We got an epidemic on our
hands.
CHIEF
We're on it Hammer. How'd you do with
Santa?
HAMMER
It was a trap. I'm back at square one.
CHIEF
Well, then I've got good news for you. We
just got word that he'll be making an
appearance at the Mall Of America today.
I'm sending Esther to meet you there at
once.
HAMMER
Good thinking. We'll disguise ourselves
as a Gentile couple to pass undetected.
Now that he thinks I'm dead, this should
be a piece of homentashen.
CHIEF
One last thing Hammer. You take care of
yourself. The...
We cut back to the Hammer on the payphone. He holds the
receiver away from his ear. He doesn't want to hear this.
HAMMER
The fate of Hanukkah. Right. Right. Yeah,
Got it. Will do. Okay, bye now.
He hangs up and leaves.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
INT. MALL OF AMERICA - DAY
'Merry Christmas' decorations and signage dominate the
landscape of the establishing shot of the Mall.
Tiny Tim, walkie-talkie in hand, surveys this Christmas
Wonderland with smug satisfaction. He spots a small, barely
visible Hanukkah decoration poking out from beneath one of
the other Christmas decorations.
He rips it from the wall and tosses it into a small trashcan
bonfire.
Tiny Tim speaks into his the walkie-talkie.
TINY TIM
One partridge in a pear tree to two
turtle doves. What's your status?
CUT TO:
ANOTHER PART OF THE MALL
Two adult sized Santa's Helpers, TONY AND MIKEY stand with
walkie-talkies behind the nightclub velvet ropes, and hold
back the throngs (15-20 extras) of screaming children
attempting to make their way past the red curtain to see
Santa. A huge 'Citizen Kane'/Big Brother style poster with a
menacing picture of Santa looms behind them. It reads, "SANTA
CLAUS: HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE."
Santa's staging area is very Studio 54. Both Tony and Mikey
are decked out in Addidas warm up pants, gold chains, etc.
Tony, very Guido in his mannerisms, replies into his
walkie...
TONY
Nothing stirring here.
A little BLONDE GENTILE GIRL tugs on Tony's sleeve.
BLONDE GENTILE GIRL
Can I be next? Please, please!
TONY
Let's get a look at you, shall we.
The Gentile Girl pulls her Power Muff Girls T-shirt down,
allowing the two to get a better look at it.
TONY (CONT'D)
A power muff girls T. Very nice.
Alright, now spin around.
She twirls for the two.
TONY (CONT'D)
Very nice! Alright. You're cool. Go on
and see Santa, sunshine.
A pushy, FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY steps out of line and
approaches the two.
FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY
That's not fair! How come she gets to go
next? We were here first!
TONY
Oh really! Is that a fact? Well guess
what buddy? You ain't gettin' in to see
Santa today, so why don't you just turn
around and high tail it home.
The kid begins to sob uncontrollably.
FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY
But I've been waiting to see Santa all
year.
Tony apes him.
TONY
But I've been waiting to see Santa all
year.
The kid is a pathetic mess.
TONY (CONT'D)
You heard me. Get moving punk!
CUT TO:
The Hammer and Esther scope out the area. The Hammer is
disguised terribly, consisting of a baseball hat on top of
his Shtreml, and a Jesus Fish T-shirt worn over his black
suit. Esther's visibly nervous.
ESTHER
Any sign of Santa?
HAMMER
He must be behind that curtain. Relax.
We're undercover. We need to give off the
appearance of calm. You see Esther, the
trick to undercover work is to try and
blend in. Act as a Gentile would.
The two pass a samples booth. The FREE SAMPLES WOMAN solicits
the Hammer.
SAMPLES WOMAN
Could I interest you in a free sample
bacon cheeseburger?
We get a CU of the burger followed by a CU of the Hammer.
He's mortified, but he pulls it together.
HAMMER
While I thank you, Gentile friend, for
your generous offer of that deliciously
unkosher snack, I sadly have to decline
for I stuffed myself full of meat and
milk product at a prior lunch engagement.
The Sample Woman looks at him strangely as the Hammer and
Esther walk on.
ESTHER
You're good.
The two take their place at the end of the line in to see
Santa.
Tony performs the two fingered whistle.
TONY
Can I have everyone's attention please.
In fifteen minutes, Santa's gonna have to
leave.
The kids all vocalize their disappointment.
TONY (CONT'D)
Ah, don't be like that kids. We gotta lot
work to do if we're gonna get all those
presents out in time.
The kids aren't buying it. More boos and protests of
disapproval.
TONY (CONT'D)
Hey! Hey! You want shitty ass presents
for Christmas? You want Barbies with
heads screwed on backwards? You want
remote control cars without the batteries
included. Then be my fucking guest!
Tony spits and grabs his crotch as he turns back around to
take his place in front of the velvet ropes.
Esther surveys their place in line. It's about fifteen deep.
ESTHER
What are we going to do? We're at least
an hour from the front.
HAMMER
C'mon follow me.
The two make their way up to the front of the line. They pass
a man who looks eerily like ex-rapping god, MC HAMMER.
ESTHER
(To Hammer)
Is that...? No, couldn't be.
TONY
Hey, hey! Not so fast.
HAMMER
We have to get through. It's an
emergency.
TONY
Sorry pal, you're gonna have to wait in
line just like all the other parents.
Esther adjusts her bust. She's incredibly sexy in her tight
fitting denim jacket. She smiles flirtatiously at the Elves.
ESTHER
We're so sorry to have to cut, but our
beautiful Gentile boy ran on ahead of us
in line.
She puts her hand on Tony's bicep and smiles once again.
ESTHER (CONT'D)
It would mean so much to Paul and I if
you'd let us through to see Santa.
Tony is putty in her hands.
TONY
Well...umm, when you put it that way.
Sure go on through.
Tony unhinges the rope, and the two pass. The Hammer leans
over to Esther.
HAMMER
You're good!
CUT TO:
INSIDE THE CURTAIN
JIMMY, an adorable six year old sits on Santa's lap. Santa's
assistants, two busty blondes named BAMBI and TAWNI, flank
his chair.
SANTA
And what do the Jewish people do during
Hanukkah?
JIMMY
They worship the devil and sacrifice
small Gentile children like me in
bizarre, sadistic rituals.
SANTA
That's right. Santa can tell that you've
been a very good boy this year. Run along
now Jimmy.
Bambi and Tawni escort Jimmy out, and re-enter with Esther
and the Hammer. Santa's confused.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Sorry folks, I don't do couples.
HAMMER
If you keep your mouth shut and come with
me, you won't get hurt.
SANTA
Excuse me? Do I know you, friend? Take a
look around you. Do you even know who I
am?
The Hammer rips off his baseball hat and T-shirt. Santa
gasps.
HAMMER
Let me guess, you're the goy who stole
Hanukkah.
SANTA
The Hebrew Hammer! You're alive.
The Hammer takes out his gun and points it Santa.
HAMMER
What's your shpiel, Santa?
SANTA
Whoa, whoa there. C'mon Mordechai, is
this any way to treat an old family
friend? Let's cut out all the
unpleasantness. I admit, I went way
overboard with the whole Hanukkah thing.
Let me make it up to you. How about a
peace offering?
(To Bambi and Tawni)
Girls.
Santa snaps his fingers, and Bambi and Tawni drape themselves
on either side of the Hammer, rubbing his arms erotically.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Bambi. Tawni. I'd like for you to meet
world renown Semitic super stud,
Mordechai Jefferson Carver.
Bambi speaks with a thick Southern drawl.
BAMBI
Oh, I declare I just love Jewish men.
They're so sensitive and well read.
Esther is clearly jealous.
The Hammer's enjoying the attention. He looks down at Bambi's
breasts. We're talking HUGE, obviously augmented boobolas. A
large crucifix chain hangs around her neck, nestled in
between the mounds of silicone. We hear the requisite DING as
it sparkles.
The Hammer is released from the sexual spell of the Gentile
Seductress.
HAMMER
Sorry Santa. I like my women like my
matzah. Unleavened.
The girls move away from the Hammer. Esther smiles at the
Hammer's resolve.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
This is where you go down.
Suddenly, Tony draws the curtain back.
TONY
Hey, hurry it up in there. We gotta bunch
of kids...
He sees the Hammer with his gun pointed at Santa's head.
TONY (CONT'D)
Oh shit!
Esther pulls out her piece and points it at Tony.
ESTHER
Back it up buddy!
He does. The entire crowd of children can now see what's
happening. Hushed, fearful whispers. MC Hammer steps out of
line and pleads...
MC HAMMER
Please Hammer, don't hurt em'!
The Hammer does a double take. MC Hammer gives a "Did I just
say that?" expression.
HAMMER
Let's do this clean. I don't want to make
a scene Santa.
Santa stands up slowly with his hands raised.
SANTA
Well, it's a bit too late for that now,
isn't it? Excuse me children, if I could
have your attention for a moment.
HAMMER
What are you doing?
SANTA
I'm just calming the kiddies.
(To children)
There's no need to worry about Santa.
He's just having a peaceful, adult
conversation with his nice Jewish friend,
The Hebrew Hammer.
The Hammer plays along, raising his hand to keep the children
calm.
HAMMER
Hey everybody. How's it hangin'?
SANTA
In fact, he's just informed me that he
personally plans on cancelling Christmas
this year.
The Hammer and Esther look to one another. This riles the
masses. Trouble.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Why don't we show him how that makes us
feel.
CUT TO:
AN EMPTY SECTION OF THE MALL - MOMENTS LATER
We hold a few beats on a shot of this fairly untrafficked
portion of the mall.
Suddenly, Esther and the Hammer haul ass around the corner,
running for their lives.
A second or two pass, and an ANGRY MOB of about twenty
Gentile children round the corner after them. They're
definitely not in the Christmas spirit.
The Hammer and Esther take another turn. From the other
direction a SECOND MOB OF CHILDREN head straight at them.
The Hammer spots another corridor in front of them.
HAMMER
C'mon!
They run about a hundred yards before they hit a wall. A dead
end! O.S. we can hear the throng of children nearing in the
BG.
THRONG (O.S.)
Where'd they go? I saw them go down that
hallway. C'mon, let's get em'!
Hammer turns to Esther defeated.
HAMMER
It's over. We're doomed.
The barely audible sound of a gospelized version of the
Biblical slave song, "Let My People Go" sounds as if it's
coming from within the walls of the mall.
ESTHER
Shh. Shh, listen. Do you hear that?
The Hammer tries to place the source.
HAMMER
What is that?
Suddenly, a panel on the wall slides open to reveal a door.
The other side of the door is dark, but it has a cavernous
feel to it.
An elderly Jewish woman, HARRIET TUBBELMAN, appears from out
of the doorway. She smokes a corncob pipe.
HARRIET TUBBELMAN
Psst. Hammer, Esther. This way. Hurry!
Harriet escorts the two into the passageway, and the door
slides shut behind them.
INT. CAVERNOUS ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
We appear to be in what looks like the loading dock for an
'It's A Small World After All' type water ride.
Harriet leads Esther and the Hammer into one of the waiting
cars. The cars kind of have a baby Moses straw basket theme
going on. The 'Let My People Go' song, piped from unseen
speakers, is now at full strength.
HAMMER
You saved our lives. Thank you. How can I
ever repay you...?
HARRIET TUBBELMAN
...My name is Harriet Tubbelman, but you
can call me Moses. The only payment I ask
Mordechai, is that you keep Hanukkah safe
for us all.
She hands each of them a ticket and then lowers the lap
restraints for Hammer and Esther, testing them to make sure
they're secure.
HARRIET TUBBELMAN (CONT'D)
You should be safe from here on out. Just
follow the river to it's conclusion.
She begins to walk away, but then catches herself as she
turns back to face them.
HARRIET TUBBELMAN (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, and keep your arms and legs
inside the water craft at all times.
HAMMER
Where are we? What is this place?
She smiles with great pride.
HARRIET TUBBELMAN
Welcome to the Underground Jewish
Railroad. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy
the ride.
The brakes on the water craft release, and the craft makes it
way from the loading dock.
Wide eyed, Esther and Hammer check out their surroundings.
Hasidic Animatronic puppets sing of thousands of years of
Jewish oppression and persecution in an educational, yet
oddly entertaining way.
The Hammer puts his arm around Esther and continues to check
out the attraction in wonderment.
Esther secretly glances at him affectionately. It's clear
she's falling for him.
We cut to a wide shot as we watch the craft disappear down
the river. A funkdafied version of the "Let My People Go"
song FADES UP and over the gospel version from the ride.
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
We see a non-descript door in the middle of a brick wall. Two
turnstiles stand directly in front of the door. We can hear
the muffled sounds of the gospel version of "Let My People
Go." Scribbled on the wall is the graffiti phrase, "HANUKKAH
NOW!"
The door opens, and the obnoxiously loud music spills out
into the street. The Hammer and Esther exit, close the door,
and push their way past the turnstiles into the alley.
HAMMER
That got annoying fairly quickly.
ESTHER
Yeah, no kidding.
A CARNIVAL WORKER stands behind a makeshift 'Underground
Jewish Railroad' booth.
CARNIVAL WORKER
Tickets please.
The two hand the Carnival Worker their tickets.
CARNIVAL WORKER (CONT'D)
Thanks for riding the Underground Jewish
Railroad. If you plan on returning today,
please make sure to get you hands stamped
before you leave the alley.
HAMMER
Nah, we're kosher. Thanks though.
The two walk past him. Esther turns to the Hammer.
ESTHER
So, now what?
HAMMER
Now we wait for Santa to make his next
move.
He gives her a once over. She is stunning.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Want to get a drink?
ESTHER
Sure. Why not.
EXT. THE GOLDEN MENORAH - DAY
Your typical Blaxploitation bar. It could easily pass for the
Lenox Lounge in Harlem, with the exception of the large
menorah shaped sign out front.
INT. THE GOLDEN MENORAH - CONTINUOUS
We see a bar packed with ORTHODOX JEWS. A WALL separating the
men and women in the bar runs along the center of the room,
stopping about ten feet from the stage. Signs clearly
demarcate these 'MEN' and 'WOMEN' sections.
Onstage, a KLEZMER band plays a rendition of a to be
determined 70's funk classic.
Esther and the Hammer enter the joint. Mid song, the
BANDLEADER notices the two walk in...
BANDLEADER
Hey! The Hebrew Hammer everybody!
The Hammer raises his hand in acknowledgment. The entire bar
cheers and applauds.
Hammer escorts Esther to a table on the woman's side of the
wall, and then walks around to the other side of the divider
where he takes a seat opposite the wall from her.
The band begins a rousing version of "Hava Nagila." A good
majority of the men in the bar rush to the dance floor and
begin dancing zealously with one another.
Esther shouts over the wall in an attempt to overcome the din
of the bar.
ESTHER
So, do you come here often!?
The Hammer struggles to hear. He shouts back to her.
HAMMER
What was that!?
ESTHER
I said, do you come here often!?
HAMMER
Oh. Yeah, about once a week!
ESTHER
What!?
HAMMER
I said, yeah, about once a week!
ESTHER
Oh!
A HASIDIC BAR PATRON approaches the Hammer and smiles.
HASIDIC BAR PATRON
Would you like to dance?
We get another shot of the men dancing together, arm in arm,
on the dance floor.
HAMMER
I'm okay right now. Thanks though.
As the Patron leaves, JOSHUA, another Hasidic man standing
directly behind him takes his place at the Hammer's table.
JOSHUA
Hey Morty, wanna cut a rug?
HAMMER
Nah, I'm good. I'm kind of here with
somebody.
The Hammer motions to the wall. Joshua looks as if his
feelings are hurt.
JOSHUA
Oh. Okay. Maybe next time.
HAMMER
Yeah. Maybe next time Joshua. Take it
easy.
As Joshua leaves, we get a WIDER shot of the Hammer's table.
A LONG LINE OF MEN leads up to it.
CHAIM FEYGELE, an effeminate slick Hasidic man, chest hair
spilling out of his loosely buttoned butterfly collar shirt,
neck dripping with gold chains, steps up to the Hammer. He's
got a huge phoney smile plastered across his face.
CHAIM FEYGELE
Well Shalom there mister!
HAMMER
Do we know each other?
CHAIM FEYGELE
No, but we have mutual friends.
Chaim points to the dance floor. Another shot of men dancing
with one another, arm in arm.
CHAIM FEYGELE (CONT'D)
The name's Feygele. Chaim Feygele.
This guy is clearly making the Hammer nervous.
HAMMER
Mordechai. My friends call me Morty.
CHAIM FEYGELE
So Morty, I just love a man in a black
suit. Care to dance.
Mordechai is flustered.
HAMMER
Uhhh. You know, I...have to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back.
The Hammer gets up quickly and leaves.
We cut to Esther's side of the wall. The Hammer walks behind
her while she checks out the band on stage.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Hey there.
She turns around, pleasantly surprised.
ESTHER
Hey.
HAMMER
Do you want to get out of here?
She looks relieved.
ESTHER
I would love to get out of here.
INT. THE HAMMER'S PAD - NIGHT
A smooth, laid back Blaxploitation era song pumps from the
speakers. We do a SLOW PAN from the stereo into a TIGHT SHOT
of Esther and the Hammer slow dancing. Sexy. Esther grunts
and moans a bit.
We begin a SLOW ZOOM back from the two, eventually pulling
back far enough to see what Esther's moaning about. The
Hammer is a seriously terrible dancer, stepping on her toes,
forcing her into awkward positions, etc.
We see a CU of the Hammer accidentally stepping on her toes
yet again.
ESTHER
Ouch!
Esther pulls herself away from the Hammer.
HAMMER
Sorry. I'm better with men.
ESTHER
(Sensually)
Maybe we should try a different kind of
dancing.
HAMMER
You mean like disco dancing or doing the
funky chicke...Oh. I get it.
We see a TIGHT MEDIUM SHOT of Esther. Her erect nipples are
clearly outlined through her blouse. Now, the Hammer's really
getting it.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Now we're talking Boobola.
ESTHER
Mordechai?
HAMMER
Yes Esther.
ESTHER
I want you to talk dirty to me.
HAMMER
Oh. Okay.
He thinks for a moment.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
I want to have lots of children by you.
Get a good paying, stable job. Settle
down in Long Island somewhere. Someplace
nice. Fancy. But not fancy schmancy.
She's warming up.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
I want for our children to go to private
schools and take music lessons. Little
Abraham will go to Stanford for college,
Batya will go Ivy League, maybe Vassar.
ESTHER
Keep going.
HAMMER
Afterwards they'll make the decision as
to whether or not they'd like to continue
their religious studies in Israel.
Because, hey, after all we'll have
practiced the highly effective assertive
democratic style of child rearing,
sprinkled with a healthy dose of
liberalism.
She's on fire for him.
ESTHER
Oh god, yes! Keep going! Don't stop!
HAMMER
Also, on a daily basis, I want you to
tell me what to do, where to do it, and
how I should live my life.
ESTHER
Kiss me you Semitic stud!
She grabs him and kisses him passionately.
ESTHER (CONT'D)
(Playfully)
Hmm. I feel something poking around down
there. Maybe I should investigate. What
do you think about that Mr. Certified
Circumcised Dick?
She begins to unzip his pants. We cut to a shot of an excited
Mordechai as we hear the sound of the unzipping of his pants
reach its conclusion.
A CU on her as she looks down at his Jewish Manhood. A wide
eyed, almost shocked reaction. She slowly looks back to him
and smiles slyly.
ESTHER (CONT'D)
Shabat Shalom!
As the two embrace, we RACK FOCUS from the two of them in the
BG to the Hanukkah candles burning brightly on the menorah in
the FG. We blur out of focus.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. NEW YORK CITYSCAPE - MORNING
The sun rises over the city.
INT. HAMMER'S BEDROOM - MORNING
We start close on the Hammer's hand as he screws a light bulb
into his electric Menorah until it glows orange.
Esther caresses the Hammer's chest as the two enjoy a post
coital cigarette.
ESTHER
Wow, that was amazing.
The Hammer gives her ass a smack, and then picks up a
container filled with some kind of WHITE POWDER.
He snorts a bit of it off of the Star Of David chain that
hangs from his neck, and places the container of white powder
back in its place by the menorah.
Esther is mortified.
ESTHER (CONT'D)
What did you just snort?
HAMMER
Antihistamine. It's for my allergies. The
capsules make me gassy.
She relaxes.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
You know, I've been thinking about what
Santa's got planned for us next. Maybe
he'll...
She cuts him off.
ESTHER
Your mother was right. You do work too
hard.
HAMMER
Oh, she said that, did she? What else did
Mommy Dearest have to say?
ESTHER
Well, she also said that you need to find
a nice girl to help take your mind off of
your work. I'm just glad she thought I
was good enough for you.
The Hammer sits up.
HAMMER
When did you guys have this conversation?
When I was in the bathroom? What else did
she have to say?
ESTHER
Relax Morty, I think your mom is
wonderful. She cares so much about you.
Get this, while you were gone she said
she'd help me get you to work with the
JDL if I'd come eat by you once in
awhile. Like I needed any incentive to be
with you. She's so...
The Hammer goes into a fit.
HAMMER
What? You made a deal with my mother to
sleep with me if I'd help you?!
ESTHER
No. Of course...
HAMMER
What does that make you? What does that
make me? And my mother. What does that
make her?
He makes a realization.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Oh my god. She's become my pimp. And
she's whoring her bitch-son out to the
highest bidder.
ESTHER
No. It's not like that. You're being
completely neurotic. I was just playing
along...
He thinks aloud.
HAMMER
Always meddling in my life. This is so
typical of her.
(To Esther)
But from you? I thought we had something
good here.
ESTHER
We do!
HAMMER
I'm sorry Esther, I just don't think we
can see each other romantically anymore.
The phone RINGS, and the Hammer picks it up.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Hammer here.
We WIPE INTO SPLIT SCREEN. The Chief is on the other end.
CHIEF
Hammer, it's the Chief. We've got
ourselves a situation. Get yourself down
here, I've got something you need to see.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
INT. JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - MAIN CHAMBER - DAY
The Star Of David vault-like doors open, and the Hammer and
Esther hurriedly enter the room. The Chief waits for them.
CHIEF
Mordechai. Thank god you're here.
HAMMER
What's up?
CHIEF
About an hour ago, we received this
transmission from the North Pole.
He clicks a button on a remote control, and static fills the
GIANT TELECOMMUNICATIONS SCREEN, eventually fading into the
image of a larger then life SANTA.
SANTA
And now my Hanukkah loving friends, I
will reveal to you the true nature of my
diabolical scheme.
An image of a GIANT CLOCK in the shape of a Star Of David.
SANTA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The Jewish Atomic clock, located in the
outskirts of Jerusalem. Keeper of time
for the Jewish Calendar. Powered by
Judeum. An element so rare, it exists
only inside the clock itself.
We TILT down to reveal a BLUE GLOWING SUBSTANCE in its base.
Santa comes back on screen.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Once I extract the Judeum from the clock,
the Jewish Calendar will cease to exist,
forever eradicating Hanukkah. In less
than twenty four hours, which by your
Jewish Calendar is approximately...
He struggles with this one. He looks at someone O.S. at the
North Pole.
SANTA (CONT'D)
(To someone at North Pole)
Can I borrow that pen and notepad?
A notepad and pen are handed to him from O.S. Santa makes
some written calculations on the notepad. He's clearly having
trouble.
The Hammer and Esther exchange looks.
SANTA (CONT'D)
(Uncertain)
Four years and three quarters a lunar
cycle?
(Shifting back into psycho
mode)
Well, whatever! In less than twenty four
Christian hours, Hanukkah will be nothing
more than a fond memory. Tiny Tim.
Tiny Tim hobbles into frame on his crutches.
TINY TIM
Merry Christmas everybody, and god bless
us, everyone.
The two laugh hysterically.
SANTA
End transmission.
The transmission, however, doesn't end. The two abruptly stop
laughing. Santa begins to talk to TINY TIM.
SANTA (CONT'D)
So, how was I?
TINY TIM
It was good. Very chilling, but you still
got all the points across that we talked
about.
SANTA
Really? Good, good.
We cut to more confused reactions of the Hammer and Esther.
SANTA (CONT'D)
I wasn't too over the top?
TINY TIM
No, it was the perfect level.
SANTA
Thanks. Oh, did I tell you. I picked up
that new KC and the Sunshine Band record
that you recommended. You were right, it
is good.
Santa looks towards the camera and begins to react strangely.
SANTA (CONT'D)
(To O.S. Cameraman)
Why is the red light on the camera still
on? Are you still filming me!?
Santa approaches the camera.
SANTA (CONT'D)
You fucking ass...
Static fills the screen.
The Hammer turns to the Chief.
HAMMER
Looks like I got a plane to catch.
CHIEF
Take Esther with you, you'll need the
backup.
HAMMER
No way, it's too dangerous. Besides, my
days of hooking are over.
ESTHER
You're not my bitch Mordechai. Please,
you have to believe me.
CHIEF
Did I miss something here?
HAMMER
It's a long story. I'll explain when I
get back from saving the clock.
He turns his attention to Esther.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Alone.
The Hammer exits. Esther is dejected.
CHIEF
Tail him. He's gonna need the help.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. BEN GURION AIRPORT - ISRAEL - DAY
A STOCK FOOTAGE shot of an airplane landing. SUPERIMPOSED
OVER THE IMAGE are the words, "BEN GURION AIRPORT - ISRAEL."
ISRAELI WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Shalom. Welcome to the Ben Gurion
airport. For ground transportation,
please proceed to Terminal 18.
We cut to the Hammer who's watching this stock footage of the
airplane landing on a TELEVISION SET by the "CHERTZ" car
rental counter.
INT. BEN GURION AIRPORT - CHERTZ CAR RENTAL COUNTER
The Hammer approaches the counter where a female ISRAELI
RENTAL AGENT stands waiting.
HAMMER
Do you speak English?
ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
Yes. Chello.
The Ch sound she makes is accompanied by a whole lot of
spittle. The Hammer wipes his face, and then returns the
favor.
HAMMER
Chello.
She's unfazed. The Hammer continues.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
I need to rent your biggest Cadillac.
Preferably lowered, with white wall
tires.
She checks her rental sheet.
ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
I'm so sorry sir, but somebody just
rented our last Chadillac.
She nails him again. Seriously annoyed, he wipes his face
clean once more.
HAMMER
Well what else do you have?
ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
Well, we do have a Ch...
The Hammer puts his hand up as a shield and cuts her off
quickly.
HAMMER
Whatever it is, I'll take it.
CUT TO:
EXT. ISRAELI OPEN HIGHWAY - DAY
70's road music occupies the soundtrack as we see a shot of
the fast moving pavement of the open road. Slowly, we PULL
BACK to reveal the Hammer throttling a monstrous HARLEY
CHOPPER MOTORCYCLE.
The Hammer's Talis flaps wildly in the wind. His Shtreml
helmet is strapped on tight over his goggles.
The scenery, oddly enough, resembles the Mojave Desert.
We cut to a sign reading "THE WEST BANK PALMS: A GATED
COMMUNITY. COMING SOON!" On it, we see an illustration of a
housing compound surrounded by a remarkable amount of BARBED
WIRE.
We PAN over to the highway as the Hammer zips past on his
motorcycle.
INT. ESTHER'S CADILLAC - CONTINUOUS
The Hammer, unaware of her presence, speeds by her large
Cadillac. She puts the car into gear.
EXT. ISRAELI OPEN HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
Tucked out of sight behind a billboard, Esther pulls off from
her side of the road and onto the highway in pursuit of the
Hammer. And yes, the car is lowered, with white walled tires.
The camera makes it way up to reveal a large ROADSIDE
BILLBOARD ARROW, resembling the ones you might see
advertising casinos on the drive into Vegas announces "THE
JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK. 20 Kilometers."
CUT TO:
EXT. JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK - AFTERNOON
From the outside the J.A.C has the appearance of an
observatory. For no apparent reason, a small MOTORCYCLE RAMP
sits near the front door.
A single Fed-Y truck pulls into the dirt parking lot.
A gang of THUG ELVES spill out of the back of the truck as a
S.W.A.T. team would.
HEAD ELF
Go, go, go!
The Head Elf jumps out, and out of frame.
CUT TO:
An ELF FLUNKY stand by a SMALL MOTORCYCLE RAMP, studying it
curiously. The Head Elf walks into frame.
HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
What's this doing here?
ELF FLUNKY
Not sure. I think it was left over from
an Israeli Robbie Kneivel television
special. You want me to get rid of it?
HEAD ELF
No time. Besides, it's not like someone's
gonna jump their motorcycle into the
building while we're inside.
The HEAD THUG ELF points up towards the sky.
HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
There's Santa now.
The Thug Elves look up to the sky, and we do an OVERHEAD PUSH
DOWN ON THEM as helicopter force winds blow their hats off.
The carriage of SANTA'S SLEIGH touches down on the ground.
Tiny Tim sits shotgun in the sleigh while Santa vomits
violently over the other side. Santa finishes up, and wipes
his mouth with his hand.
TINY TIM
You okay?
SANTA
No. I'm airsick you asshole! Where the
hell did these reindeer learn to fly?
TINY TIM
I don't know. Why don't you ask them sir.
Santa takes this in.
CUT TO:
Santa paces as a Drill Sargent would in front of the line of
harnessed reindeer. They're shivering in their hooves.
SANTA
Who's the leader of this operation?
More scared reindeer faces. Comet furtively motions towards
Rudolph with his antlers. Santa sees this, marches quickly up
to Rudolph, and gets in his face.
SANTA (CONT'D)
What's your major malfunction, dumbfuck!?
Rudolph's scared shitless.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Step forward son!
Rudolph attempts to move forward, but the harness attachments
prevent him from doing so.
TINY TIM
Uh, he can't sir. The harnesses.
You can feel the Robert Deniro-esque intensity boiling inside
of Santa.
SANTA
You gonna learn to guide this sled right?
You gonna make sure your men follow suit?
Because if I'm puking down chimneys come
Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have your hide.
We clear?
Rudolph shakes his head. The bells on his harness tinkle.
Santa continues to stare down the reindeer as he walks away.
Rudolph is clearly broken, but continues staring back at
Santa as he makes his way out of frame. The expression on
Rudolph's face changes from fear to insolence as he angrily
follows the O.S. Santa.
Suddenly, Santa charges right back into frame, and places his
drawn gun to Rudolph's temple.
SANTA (CONT'D)
You eyeballin' me son!?
Rudolph quickly looks away. Santa puts his gun back into his
belt, and then adjusts his suit and hat as if to regain his
composure.
Without warning, Santa throws a fake punch at Rudolph's face,
forcing the reindeer to flinch.
SANTA (CONT'D)
I didn't think so.
INT. JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK - MOMENTS LATER
Santa and his gang bust through the front doors, taking the
TWO GUARDS by surprise.
Santa's men quickly tie them up and duct tape their mouths
shut as if out of 'Gulliver's travels.' The guards are
dragged away out of frame.
Santa steps towards camera and surveys the room.
SANTA
The Jewish Atomic Clock.
It's the kind of place where a giant telescope at an
observatory would be housed. The clock is breathtaking in its
size. On its face, in place of the standard numerals are the
names of Jewish holidays. For example, "Yom Kipur" is where
the twelve should be, followed by "Passover", etc. In the
center of the face, an odometer-like gauge reveals the year
'5734.' At its base, the brilliant blue Judeum glows
brightly.
Santa barks out orders.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Get moving! We've got work to do!
One of the thugs pushes play on a ghetto blaster and the song
'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' begins to play.
A few of the thugs insert a bicycle pump into the Judeum
clock base and begin pumping.
EXT. ISRAELI HIGHWAY - LATE AFTERNOON
The Hammer is moments away from the J.A.C. compound. He spots
the motorcycle ramp, and then guns his engine. He's close!
INT. JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK - CONTINUOUS
Inside, Santa and his thugs hear the sound of the Chopper
growing in strength. The ROAR of the engines is piercingly
loud! And then nothing.
A beat passes, and then the Hammer's motorcycle busts open
the front door.
An INSERT of the Hammer's bike skidding to a stop.
As Santa goes for his gun, the Hammer interrupts him...
HAMMER
Uh. Can you just give me one second?
Santa is confused.
Still on the bike, the Hammer uses his feet to backpeddle the
motorcycle to the doorway. Looks of bewilderment from Santa
and his gang.
The Hammer reaches the doorway and kisses his hand. A John
Wooish SLO-MO shot as the Hammer touches his hand to the
mezuzah nailed to the doorframe.
The Hammer jumps off the bike, and we get the requisite QUICK
push in on him as he pulls out two Uzi's from under his
jacket.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Let's dance the hora!
Santa draws a pistol, and with a single shot from his Uzi,
the Hammer blows it out of his hand.
It lands on the other side of the room. Santa looks up from
his empty hand.
SANTA
Get him boys!
Santa's Elf Thugs open a CHEST filled with LARGE SUB-MACHINE
GUNS. The chest is labeled "HEAVY ARTILLERY." With great
difficulty, they struggle to pull the heavy machinery out of
the box.
The Hammer, mildly amused, watches them.
The Hammer blasts away, and the elves scramble for safety.
The sound of gunfire is deafening and constant.
An Elf sneaks quietly towards Santa's gun.
Esther walks in through the front door and spots something
O.S. that gives her cause for concern.
Unbeknownst to the Hammer, the SNEAKY ELF picks up Santa's
gun. He raises it at the Hammer, ready to fire.
ESTHER
Mordechai! Behind you!
The Hammer turns and nails the elf just in time.
Esther, gun drawn, backs up into frame with the Hammer, and
the two fire off rounds.
HAMMER
What are you doing here?
ESTHER
Mordechai, I love you. I couldn't let you
do this alone.
HAMMER
I love you too. I'm sorry about freaking
out yesterday. I was wrong.
ESTHER
I forgive you.
HAMMER
Go check on the clock. I'll finish up
here.
We do another QUICK PUSH into the Hammer as he turns towards
Tiny Tim.
Tiny Tim, standing alone with his crutches tucked under his
arms, looks like a deer caught in headlights.
The Hammer grins mischievously.
TINY TIM
Uh oh.
The Hammer begins firing.
In SLOW-MOTION, Tiny Tim hobbles as fast as he can towards an
overturned table, gunfire trailing him.
Like a pole vaulter with two poles, Tiny Tim plants his
crutches firmly into the ground and launches himself over the
table.
He lands directly on top of Santa, who cowers underneath the
table.
SANTA
Get off of me you cripple!
TINY TIM
What are we gonna do? He's got us on the
ropes.
We DOLLY BACK with the Hammer as he approaches the camera,
firing rounds at the table.
We cut to the duct taped Hasidic Guards tied to their chairs.
One of them frantically nudges the other and motions to the
window. Fear fills both of their eyes.
We see what they see. Through the window, the SUN is quickly
setting behind the mountains.
We cut back to the Hammer. The speed with which he shoots
begins to slow.
Esther, checking the clock for damage calls to him.
ESTHER
What's the matter?
HAMMER
I don't know. I'm feeling kind of tired.
We cut back to Santa and Tiny Tim underneath the table. We
HEAR the shooting continue to slow, until finally it ceases
altogether. Santa and Tiny Tim exchange looks.
SANTA
What's going on? Why'd he stop?
TINY TIM
Maybe he ran out of ammo.
SANTA
Take a look.
Tiny Tim pokes his head over the table to see...
The Hammer and Esther lie together slumped up against the
wall. They look exhausted.
Tiny Tim drops back below the table.
TINY TIM
Well, he's kinda just resting in the
corner with his girlfriend.
SANTA
Resting?
He thinks for a second. An idea forms.
SANTA (CONT'D)
What day is it?
TINY TIM
It's Friday.
SANTA
What time is it?
TINY TIM
I don't know. About sundown I guess.
Santa makes the connection.
SANTA
Why didn't I think of this? It's the
Sabbath.
A blank look from Tiny Tim.
SANTA (CONT'D)
The day of rest. He can't fight on the
Sabbath. C'mon, get up. We've got him
beat.
The Hammer's POV as Santa and his thugs approach him
cautiously.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Well, well, well. It looks as if the
Hebrew Hammer's got a weakness after all.
Santa turns to his thugs.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Finish extracting the Judeum from the
clock.
(To Tiny Tim)
Tiny Tim, I want you to introduce the
Hebrew Hammer to the Christmas spirit.
Another blank look from Tiny Tim.
TINY TIM
You want me to be nice to him for no
apparent reason whatsoever, buy him
clothing he'll never wear, and for just
one day of the year pretend to forgive
him for all the horrible things he did to
me as a young boy when my mommy wasn't
looking?
SANTA
No dipshit, I want you to kill him.
He thinks about it.
TINY TIM
Oh.
SANTA
Santa's gonna take the sled back to the
North Pole and celebrate his victory with
his new stocking stuffer.
Santa grabs Esther and attempts to pull her up. The Hammer
holds on tightly to her other hand, but isn't strong enough
to resist Santa's might. Esther's hand is pulled from his
firm grip, and Santa takes her into his arms.
HAMMER
Esther!
ESTHER
Mordechai!
Santa forces her out the front door, leaving Tiny Tim alone
with the Hammer. O.S., we hear the sound of Santa's Sled
taking off.
TINY TIM
Take a look Hammer. The clock's already
beginning to power down.
We see a shot of the elves pumping out the Judeum from the
clock, and then tilt up to reveal its face.
The dial slowly spins past 'Yom Kippur', 'Passover',
'Hanukkah,' 'Purim', and then finally the 'Macy's 50% Off
Spring Sale.'
Tiny Tim raises his gun point blank at the Hammer.
TINY TIM (CONT'D)
Ah. What's the matter? No more snappy one
liners.
It seems all is lost when...
We hear the sounds of a whole lot of GUNS being COCKED.
Tiny Tim turns around to see the ENTIRE KWANZAA LIBERATION
FRONT with their guns raised at him. Jamal, standing next to
Mohammed, flashes Tiny Tim a smile.
JAMAL
Merry Kwanzaa nigga!
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
INT. JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - MAIN CHAMBER - SATURDAY NIGHT
The Hammer and Mohammed enter through the vault doors. The
Chief waits anxiously.
CHIEF
Mordechai, you're back. The clock?
HAMMER
Still ticking. Thanks to the help from
the Brothers at the KLF, Hanukkah's safe
for now.
CHIEF
That's wonderful!
The Chief notices the Hammer's dejected look.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
So why the long face?
HAMMER
It's Esther. Santa's got her.
CHIEF
My Esther! Oh Mordechai.
The Chief, overcome by sadness, slumps down into a chair.
CHIEF (CONT'D)
Please. Will you help me?
HAMMER
I love her sir. If I don't help you, I
won't be able to make her my wife.
Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim has agreed
to come with me to the North Pole on a
rescue mission.
Mo, standing in the BG, gives the Chief the fist/chest
salute.
MOHAMMED
Asalam Alekem.
CHIEF
(To Mo)
You're a mench. Thank you.
(To Hammer)
Mordechai, by any means necessary, you
bring my Esther back to me. Even if it
requires using Judaism's most powerful
weapon.
HAMMER
Oh no, not the...
The Chief shakes his head yes.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
There won't be any need for that sir.
CHIEF
Hammer, the fate of my daughter rests
solely in your hands.
HAMMER
I know sir. I won't let you down.
The Hammer motions to Mo, and the two begin to leave. They
pass by Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. The Hammer acknowledges him.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.
SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
You two cats are beautiful. I love you
guys. You take care babe.
Mo whispers into the Hammer's ear.
MOHAMMED
What's wrong with him?
HAMMER
He's still working out some identity
issues.
STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:
EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY
The Hammer and Mo crawl onto the snow covered bluff
overlooking Santa's Workshop. With his binoculars, the Hammer
scopes out the compound below.
BINOCULAR POV - Instead of your standard two circles filling
the screen, we see the world through a pair of Star Of
Davids. The place resembles the exterior of an industrial
warehouse, with two Elves on guard with guns.
HAMMER
It's gonna be tough, but the back
entrance looks like our best bet.
MOHAMMED
I wanted to ask you, how were you able to
pinpoint the exact location of Santa's
workshop? We've been trying to gain that
piece of surveillance for years.
The Hammer puts the binoculars down.
HAMMER
This is the year 5734. It's time the boys
at the KLF got into the 58th century. Let
me show you something.
The Hammer pulls out a LAPTOP COMPUTER.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
The JDL supplies all its agents with this
state of the art device called a laptop
computator.
MOHAMMED
Cool. What's it do?
HAMMER
Now this might get a bit technical, but
try and stay with me. Using a highly
sophisticated connection of other
computators, called the Internet, I can
access surveillance maps, villian
biographical information, and even sports
scores with a few simple keystrokes of
this electronic typewriter.
The Hammer makes a few keystrokes and turns the screen
towards Mo.
MOHAMMED
Man, that's far out! Hey, the Jets won!
HAMMER
But wait, there's more. With a few swift
clicks of this hand-computer interface,
commonly referred to as a mouse, I can
download illicit pornographic material
and even send it along to a friend via a
cyber postal route known as e-mail.
Mo's interest is seriously peaked.
MOHAMMED
Porno? You're tellin' me that you can get
porno on that thing?
HAMMER
Oh yeah. Take a look.
The Hammer does some computing.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
For example, here's a picture of your
sister Tawanda getting freaky with a
German Shepard.
Mo's eyes widen.
MOHAMMED
Gettin' freaky with a what?
He grabs the laptop from the Hammer and looks at the screen.
A picture of TAWANDA making out with a GERMAN man decked out
in lederhosen on a rural German hillside. The two are
surrounded by sheep.
Mo gives a sigh of relief.
MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
Oy vey, that's almost as bad. That's
Tawanda getting freaky with a notorious
white supremacist.
Mo goes for the keyboard.
MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
Where's the white out button on this
thing?
We get a CU of the ENTER KEY as Mo presses it. A SOOTHING
COMPUTERIZED FEMALE VOICE purrs...
COMPUTERIZED FEMALE VOICE
Message sent.
MOHAMMED
What just happened?
HAMMER
Remember that bit about the cyber postal
route?
MOHAMMED
Yeah.
The Hammer looks at the blissfully ignorant Mo with empathy.
HAMMER
Nah, forget about it.
INT. SANTA'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Santa sits at the head of his conference table. Tawni and
Bambi sit on his lap. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and
he holds a giant glass of eggnog in his hand. Rudolph stands
in the corner of the room.
SANTA
Rudolph, more egg nog!
Rudolph, equipped with a tray around his neck holding a glass
of egg nog, walks over. Santa stares at him antagonistically
as he takes the glass off of the tray and takes a sip.
Santa puts his cigarette back into his mouth, takes a drag
and blows smoke past camera.
A huge cloud of smoke blows over Rudolph's face.
Santa smiles at his women as we hear Rudolph cough.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Ho, ho, ho.
Suddenly, the two women are pushed from his lap as a SASSY
BLACK PROSTITUTE rises up between his legs from underneath
the table.
SASSY BLACK PROSTITUTE
Listen motherfucker, I already told you!
I don't care how much yo ass is payin'
me, if you call me that one more time
there ain't gonna be no more visits down
to the South Pole! You feelin' me!?
His ego deflates a bit.
SANTA
Yes maam, loud and clear.
Tiny Tim enters the room. He has a black eye and his clothing
is torn.
SASSY BLACK PROSTITUTE
Damn sugar, what happened to you?
TINY TIM
Santa, I got some really bad news.
EXT. COMPOUND PERIMETER WALL - DAY
The Hammer wears Tefilon, consisting of leather straps with
boxes, wrapped around his head and arms. He silently bows his
head in front of the gigantic wall as he mumbles something to
himself. Mo nervously scans the area for guards.
MOHAMMED
What are you doing?
HAMMER
Just praying to god that we don't kill
ourselves going over this wall.
The Hammer unwraps his leather straps, and then tosses them
high over the wall.
The boxes on the straps catch on a pipe. The line is pulled
taut, and the boxes hold secure against the pipe.
The Hammer and Mo begin to scale the wall a la the 60's
Batman and Robin television show. The Hammer leads the way
while Mo, directly behind him, has his arms wrapped tightly
around his waist. The Hammer stops climbing for a second, and
turns to him.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
You know, you don't have to hold on to my
waist. You're tied in.
Mo releases his arms from the Hammer's waist. Indeed, he is
tied in.
MOHAMMED
I knew that.
EXT. SANTA'S COMPOUND PERIMETER WALL - OTHER SIDE - MOMENTS
LATER
The Hammer and Mo drop from the wall onto the ground. The
Hammer looks around.
No guards in sight. In front of them is door clearly marked
"BACK DOOR."
MOHAMMED
Well, that was easy.
Mo heads for the door. The Hammer calls to him.
HAMMER
Wait! Before we enter, you need to know
that my research has determined that
Santa's compound is wired with the XP
2000 stereo type alarm system.
MOHAMMED
A stereo type alarm system?
HAMMER
Take a look.
The Hammer points to above the door. Sure enough, there sit
TWO LARGE STEREO SPEAKERS.
MOHAMMED
How do we bypass it?
HAMMER
The alarm will trigger if the system
detects any Non-W.A.S.P. tendencies
inside the building. For example, if you
were to dribble a basketball, or eat
watermelon, or use the word dawg...that
is, spelled with an aw as opposed to the
letter o...within the confines of this
workshop, the alarm would sound.
This pisses Mo off.
MOHAMMED
Listen cat, I'll have you know that I
hate the taste of watermelon and am a
terrible basketball player.
HAMMER
Well that's good news for us. It means
the system is outdated. This should be
easy. C'mon.
The two enter through the door.
INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS
The Hammer shuts the door behind them. So far, so good.
Suddenly, the two hear the sound of footsteps coming down the
hall. They duck into a corner.
The sound of the footsteps passes. The Hammer makes the
silent military "eyes" gesture to Mo by pointing two fingers
at his eyes, indicating for him to check and see if the coast
is clear.
Mo bends out from the corner to look. Pennies fall from his
pockets.
MOHAMMED
It's all clear. Let's go.
The Hammer bends down to pick up the change.
HAMMER
Mo, I think you dropped some...
Mo's eyes widen in terror.
MOHAMMED
Hammer, no!
The Hammer picks up the pennies, and the ear splitting alarm
system is triggered. Red Lights flash, and over the
loudspeakers we hear..
LOUDSPEAKERS
Jewdar alert! Jewdar alert!
Mo and The Hammer start running down the hallway. Doors line
the corridor.
The Hammer kicks open one of the doors, and enters as it
shuts behind him. The camera stays in the hallway with Mo,
who looks around nervously. From inside the room, we can hear
INTENSE GUNFIRE.
The Hammer exits the room.
HAMMER
Let's go!
The two continue on down the hall. The Hammer spots another
door, violently kicks it open, and enters. Again, the door
shuts behind him followed by the sound of more INTENSE
GUNFIRE.
The Hammer exits.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
C'mon, let's go!
Mo stops and looks at him.
MOHAMMED
What are you doing?
HAMMER
Offscreen gunfire. That Jewish Atomic
Clock stuff ate up a lot of our budget.
Mo shakes his head in understanding, and the two run on,
making a hard right out of frame at the corridor's end. A
beat passes, and then we hear MORE INTENSE GUNFIGHTING.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER CORRIDOR
Mo and the Hammer run into frame. Mo points to the other end
of the hall.
MOHAMMED
There's Tiny Tim.
Tiny Tim spots them and begins to hobble furiously away in
the other direction.
MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
I'll take Tiny Tim. You go find your
woman.
Mo runs down the hallway after Tiny Tim. The Hammer turns
towards the other direction to find...
TWO ELVES on multi-colored MOPEDS comin' right for him.
The Hammer stands motionless as the Elves gain ground.
Right before they reach him, the Hammer quickly pulls his
Talis off of his neck and holds it outstretched,
clotheslining the two off of their mopeds.
The elves are out cold. The Hammer admires his work.
Santa, running for his life, rounds the corner. He stops dead
in his tracks as he spots the Hammer.
The two look at one another for a brief moment, and then
Santa points at something behind the Hammer.
SANTA
Hey, what's that over there? Is that a
bowl of Matzah Ball soup?
The Hammer looks behind him. Nothing. He turns back to find
Santa long gone.
HAMMER
Damn!
He takes off down the hall after Santa.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER CORRIDOR
Mo catches up to the hobbling Tiny Tim, and begins to mock
the manner and speed at which he runs, running side by side
with him, circling around him as he attempts to get away,
etc.
Realizing that it'd be impossible to outrun him, Tiny Tim
comes to a stop.
Mo trains his pistol on him.
MOHAMMED
Now I'm gonna do to you what I should
have done earlier.
Tiny Tim closes his eyes in anticipation of the worst.
Mo grabs both of his crutches from under his arm and runs
off. Tiny Tim wobbles a few steps and then slumps down
against the wall. We PULL AWAY from Tiny Tim as he calls to
Mo.
TINY TIM
My crutches. Noooo. Not my crutches.
INT. SANTA'S CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Santa enters the room and begins to frantically barricade the
front door with anything he can find: a chair, a large
crucifix, a CART OF TOMATOES. Feeling confident that the door
is secure, he turns around to find the Hammer standing in
front of him.
The Hammer grabs Santa by his shirt.
HAMMER
Where's my girlfriend Santa?
SANTA
I don't have to tell you anything Hammer!
You're gonna have to kill me before I
tell you!
The Hammer's confused.
HAMMER
But if I kill you, then you'll be dead.
Santa thinks about this for a couple seconds.
SANTA
Good point.
The Hammer looks up from his interrogation and spots a sign
taped to a door directly behind Santa. It reads, "THE ROOM
WHERE THE HEBREW HAMMER'S GIRLFRIEND IS."
The Hammer grins mischievously at Santa.
HAMMER
Don't worry your pretty little head.
Hammer fires a single round past camera. RED SPLATTERS his
face.
We cut to the other side. Santa cowers by the cart of
TOMATOES.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
That was a warning shot.
We hear Esther screaming from inside the room.
ESTHER (O.S.)
Mordechai! I'm in here! Help!
The Hammer turns towards the sound.
Suddenly, Santa kicks the Hammer's gun out of his hand, and
then draws a pistol from behind his belt and points it at
him.
SANTA
Looks like the tables have turned once
again Hammer.
More screaming from Esther behind the door.
SANTA (CONT'D)
And you won't even be able to say goodbye
to your Esther. So sad. So long
Mordechai. Give my father my regards.
Santa readies to fire.
HAMMER
Wait! I didn't want it to come to this,
but you leave me no choice. I have no
other option but to use the most powerful
weapon in the Jewish arsenal.
The Hammer closes his eyes and puts his hands together as if
in meditation. Santa looks around nervously.
SANTA
What are you doing?
The Hammer meditates for a bit more. Suddenly, his eyes open
and he begins...
HAMMER
I shlepped all the way to the North Pole
for this? I come to fight you, and you
don't even put out anything to nosh on?
What kind of arch nemesis are you?
SANTA
Hah! Jewish guilt. Well, it won't work on
me Hammer. I'm too strong for it.
Esther continues to scream for help. This makes the Hammer
even more determined.
HAMMER
What sort of host would treat company
this way? Esther is clearly uncomfortable
in your guest room. I'm shvitizing from
running around shooting people. And my
feet. What kind of flooring is this
anyway? My arches are killing me.
It's beginning to work on Santa.
SANTA
No. Stop it!
HAMMER
And to top it off, you didn't even have
the courtesy to give me a proper hello
when I entered the room. What have I ever
done to you to be treated with such
disrespect?
Santa's a wreck.
SANTA
Please, make it stop. I'll do anything.
Here take my gun.
He hands his piece to the Hammer and kneels on the ground,
pointing to his head.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Shoot me. Please, just one to the head.
Put me out of misery.
Mo enters the room.
MOHAMMED
Hammer, you alright?
HAMMER
Everything's kosher. Watch him for me.
INT. ROOM WHERE THE HEBREW HAMMER'S GIRLFRIEND IS - MOMENTS
LATER
The Hammer kicks open the door.
HAMMER
Esther!
ESTHER
Mordechai!
She is restrained to a chair. The Hammer quickly unties her,
and the two kiss.
As they continue kissing, we hear the sound of someone
CLEARING THEIR THROAT. The Hammer looks towards the source of
the noise to see none other than JOSEPH LIEBERMAN. Joe is
tied to a chair, and wears a Gore/Lieberman 2000 campaign
button.
HAMMER
Joseph Lieberman?
The Hammer begins to untie Joe.
JOSEPH LIEBERMAN
Mordechai! Thank god you're here.
Esther looks at the Hammer curiously.
ESTHER
You two know each other?
HAMMER
We go to the same temple.
All three step back into Santa's Conference Room. Mo
continues to hold Santa at gunpoint.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Mo, get him out of my sight.
Mo begins to take Santa away.
The Hammer turns around.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
No, wait. I need closure here.
(To Santa)
I just wanna say one thing. You know
where you messed up Santa? You
underestimated the true meaning of
Hanukkah.
Santa's a broken man. He gets on his knees and inquires
earnestly...
SANTA
Please tell me. What is the true meaning
of Hanukkah?
The Hammer thinks about this for a second. He's drawing a
blank. He looks to Esther, and she shrugs back at him.
HAMMER
That's...that's a very good question. And
I do know that it does have something to
do with...dreidels, and...
Esther chimes in.
ESTHER
...and latkes.
HAMMER
And latkes! And some miracle oil that
lasted eight days. And that my friend,
should've been enough for you. Take him
away Mo.
Mo drags Santa out of the room.
SANTA
I'm sorry. I see the light now. I was
wrong. I'm...
And Santa's gone.
The Hammer turns to Esther, and gets down on one knee. He
places a ring on her finger.
HAMMER
Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal, will you
marry me?
She glows.
ESTHER
Yes! Of course! I'd gladly give up my
last name to be with you.
The two kiss in celebration.
Joe pokes his head out into the Hallway.
JOE LIEBERMAN
What happened out there?
He looks to the Hammer. The Hammer shrugs his shoulders.
JOE LIEBERMAN (CONT'D)
Oh Mordechai, you know how I detest gore.
HAMMER
Well then maybe you should have thought
about that before you ran with him.
C'mon, let's get you back to Washington.
And we PULL out as the three make their way down the hallway.
TITLE CARD: ONE WEEK LATER. CHRISTMAS EVE.
INT. MRS. CARVER'S HOUSE - SHABAT
Mrs. Carver exits the kitchen, platters of food in hand.
MRS. CARVER
Shabat Shalom everybody!
We see Esther and the Hammer at the other end of the table.
They smile and hold hands. Domestic bliss.
HAMMER/ESTHER
Shabat Shalom!
With a bit of difficulty, Mrs. Carver works her large behind
into her chair.
HAMMER
And a Merry Christmas to all of our
Gentile friends. Mun Chi.
The Hammer raises his glass in honor of Mun Chi. Mun Chi
returns the gesture.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Before we start the Sabbath, I'd
personally just like to thank god for all
the blessings I've received over the past
year. A beautiful fiancee...
Esther smiles.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
...a wonderful mother...
Mrs. Carver is as proud as can be...
HAMMER (CONT'D)
...and the opportunity to help my
brothers and sisters in the Jewish
community.
MRS. CARVER
Well I'm just glad you're safe Bubba
Shaina, and eating by your mother for
Shabos.
She squeezes his hand.
HAMMER
Thanks mom.
Mrs. Carver begins to cut her meat.
MRS. CARVER
But with all the attention the newspapers
and television have given you, you'd
think that you were the pope or
something.
HAMMER
(Proudly)
Well, I did save Hanukkah mom. My
children, and my children's children, and
my children's children's children...
He gets himself back on track.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
...and their children will all be able to
eat latkes and spin dreidels, and light
the menorah with the knowl...
MRS. CARVER
(Interrupting)
...So you saved Hanukkah Mr. Big Shot.
I mean, let's be honest Mordechai, it
isn't even one of the high holidays.
Mordechai looks to Esther. She shrugs her shoulders in
encouragement.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Now, if you had saved Passover or Yom
Kipur, then maybe you'd have what to brag
about. Did I tell you that my friend
Maureen's son, the Investment Banker, was
responsible for a very big merger on...
HAMMER
...No, no, no, no, no. I see what you're
doing here. So all of a sudden Hanukkah's
not good enough for you, is that right?
We get a shot of Mrs. Carver. She's a master of the art of
pleasant non-listening.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Well I have news for you mom. It is good
enough...I'm good enough and I won't
leave here until I hear you tell me...
MRS. CARVER
Mazel Tov!
Mrs. Carver picks up the paralyzed Tabby and begins Eskimo
kissing it.
MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
Hello Mazel Tov! A boojee boojee boojee
boo...
HAMMER
...I'm not finished yet, mom.
Mun Chi, completely uninvolved in the conversation and
obviously famished, scoops serving after serving onto his
plate. Mrs. Carver ignores her son as she continues to play
with the cat.
MRS. CARVER
...A boojee boojee boojee boo. What's
that Mazel Tov? Your tuchus needs some
more airing out?
Mrs. Carver removes the diaper. Esther and Hammer gag from
the smell of it.
Mun Chi, a forkful of food inches from his mouth, gets a
whiff and then places the utensil down in angry frustration.
HAMMER
Mom! We're eating!
MRS. CARVER
What a good poop you made in your diaper
Mazel Tov! That's right! Mommy loves you!
Such a good boy you are!
This gets the Hammer going.
HAMMER
Oh, I get it. To you, the cat pooping in
his diaper is somehow better than my
saving a Jewish holiday.
(Giving up)
Forget it.
MRS. CARVER
So, what are you two planning after the
wedding?
ESTHER
Well, for starters, we're going to
honeymoon in Boca for a week. And then,
when we get back, Morty's been talking
about taking a stable, good paying job as
a consultant for the JDL.
MRS. CARVER
Well, I couldn't be happier for the both
of you.
From outside, we hear the sound of sleighbells ringing.
HAMMER
I think I hear the new Santa Claus busy
at work. C'mon.
The Hammer motions for everyone to get up and follow him to
the window.
We cut to the outside of the window looking in on the four as
they try and get a better look outside.
MRS. CARVER
I forgot to ask you, who'd they put in
charge as the new Santa Claus?
HAMMER
Since Santa will be living out the rest
of his days at a home for the
religionally insane and because he had no
blood heirs, the Kwanzaa Liberation Front
and the Jewish Defense League agreed to
make the whole Santa Claus process a
democratic vote. We're all very pleased
with the first Santa elect.
The Hammer spots something up in the sky, and points it out
to the rest of them.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Look, there he is now.
The full moon shines brightly in the BG of the night sky as
we slowly PAN past Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer,
eventually reaching the cockpit.
Jamal holds the reigns and waves down at Mordechai and
company.
From the window, Mordechai, Esther, Mrs. Carver, and Mun Chi
wave back. The Hammer Jewxploitation theme music begins to
fade up.
HAMMER (CONT'D)
Merry Christmas Jamal.
JAMAL
Merry Christmas Niggas!
We pull away from the outside window as the four continue to
wave.
One by one, the reindeer whip straight past camera followed
by Jamal. As he clears frame we...
CUT TO END CREDITS.
| Hebrew Hammer, The
Writers : Jonathan Kesselman
Genres : Comedy
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