HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE
Written by
Peter Straughan
09/05/07 SHOOTING SCRIPT
FADE IN:
1 TV SCREEN - BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE 1
...British, fifties, a melodrama. We're looking at an
ACTRESS - glamorous, young - but very much in the back
ground of the scene - a secretary typing at her desk.
REVERSE
A YOUNG BOY sits watching the film, his clothes and the
room around him telling us this is England in the 1960s. He
is staring raptly at the actress.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
All my life I've been a Looky-
Loo.
DISSOLVE TO:
2 INT. GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS - EVENING 2
SLOW-MOTION
We are CLOSE on an extremely handsome YOUNG MAN staring
past us with a dazzling smile.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
My name's Sidney Young. I'm a
journalist...a hack. (Beat) Yeah,
that...that isn't me.
We PAN right and down to our hero - SIDNEY YOUNG -
thirties, an odd-ball with a knack for getting people to
dislike him.
SIDNEY (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This is me at the Golden Globe
Awards in L.A. this year. That's
my Armani tuxedo. That's a Rolex
Sea-Dweller 4000 watch I'm
wearing.
Still in SLOW-MOTION we TRACK BACK and see that Sidney is
at a table with several other people, all staring raptly
past us to the stage which is out of shot.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Those people all around me -
they're all famous. They're my
friends.
Beside him sits a beautiful young woman - SOPHIE MAES
(20's).
2.
SIDNEY (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
That's the actress Sophie Maes.
This morning she told me she
would let me have sex with her if
she won the Best Actress Award.
Still in SLOW MOTION, Sophie suddenly covers her face with
her hands and begins to stand.
SIDNEY (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She just won the Best Actress
Award.
Sophie walks out of the shot. Still sporting the fixed
smile, Sidney claps in SLO-MO along with everyone else in
the room. We TRACK away from Sidney past tables of
CELEBRITIES towards an EXIT.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
My life didn't used to be like
this.
We PUSH THROUGH the EXIT DOORS and find ourselves
impossibly looking at...
3 EXT. LONDON - LEICESTER SQUARE - LATE AFTERNOON 3
4 SLOW MOTION TRACKING SHOT 4
...a crowd of FANS held back from us by a red rope, craning
their necks to see us more clearly, waving, cheering,
shouting, cameras flashing... Rain lashes down.
A CAPTION reads: "Sidney's Life, One Year Ago. Bafta
Awards. London."
SIDNEY (V.O.)
Looky-Loos. That's what They call
you when you stand out in the
rain all night just to catch a
glimpse of Them going by.
REVERSE - CELEBRITIES walk down the red carpet, pausing to
wave at the fans.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I used to pretend it was
different for me because I was
getting paid by a magazine or
newspaper, whatever. But that's,
you know...I just loved watching
Them. I'd stand outside looking
in through the window and think
what it would be like to somehow
get inside. But there was only
one way to get past the thin red
line that separates the
celebrities from the civilians.
You had to be famous.
3.
4A EXT. SECURITY POINT - LATE AFTERNOON 4A
Sidney stands talking to a young PR WOMAN at the security
gate. He has a small, ugly PIG on a leash.
PR WOMAN
Babe?
SIDNEY
Babe Three. Yeah.
She looks doubtfully at the pig.
PR WOMAN
Babe was a cute little piglet.
SIDNEY
Harry Potter used to be a cute
little piglet too. What do you
want? Tempus Fugits...
PR WOMAN
He hasn't got any ID.
SIDNEY
How many pigs are coming tonight?
Look, I was told to bring him,
hand him over to the producer,
Bob Milton, inside. You want me
to leave him here with you,
that's fine...
PR WOMAN
No, you can't leave him with me.
I've got...Hold on, I'll...
She looks around, helplessly. She begins to unhook the red
rope. Sidney tries to hide his excitement.
PR WOMAN (CONT'D)
If you're positive that you're
supposed to...
An OLDER PR WOMAN stalks over.
OLDER PR WOMAN
(ICILY)
Well, well, Sidney Young.
SIDNEY
(RUMBLED)
Well, well...clipboard Nazi-type
woman.
She turns to the SECURITY standing beside them.
OLDER PR WOMAN
The pig doesn't get in.
4.
She starts to walk away.
SIDNEY
What about me?
OLDER PR WOMAN
I was talking about you.
5 MOMENTS LATER 5
Sidney and the Pig are being "escorted" away from the red
carpet by the Security.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
The Looky-Loos dream is that one
day they will somehow get to
mingle with the stars. But the
Industry can't allow any
mingling. Stars have to be kept
away from civilians, have to be
quarantined, so they don't become
normal. Like us.
They pass a ravishing HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS walking the other
way. She looks curiously at the pig as she passes. Sidney
stares after her, longingly.
6 INT. SANDERSON HOTEL - EVENING 6
TRACKING through the doors and into the lobby of the
exclusive hotel.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
But after the awards come the
parties - the Miramax Party, the
London Records Party and, best of
all - the Sharps Magazine Party,
so exclusive that there are no
pass-alongs, no plus-ones, no
press.
We find Sidney checking in at the desk.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(to Receptionist,
HORRIFIED)
How much? I only want to stay for
one night!
7 INT. ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER 7
Sidney stands in the rising elevator, suit bag in his hand,
holdall at his feet.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
5.
This is where the movie stars can
finally relax, secure in the
knowledge they are among their
own kind.
We see the PIG'S SNOUT poking out of the zip of the
holdall.
8 INT. HOTEL ROOM - EVENING 8
Sidney turns from the mirror to face us. He is wearing a
WAITER'S UNIFORM of white shirt, waistcoat, and bow tie. He
is also wearing a WIG and FALSE MOUSTACHE.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
And that is when I strike.
He picks up a tray of canapés from the bed and looks down
to where the Pig watches him from the floor.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I want you in bed by ten. And no
porn.
He tosses the pig one of the canapés.
9 INT. HOTEL - EVENING 9
Sidney, tray in hand, peers around the corner to the
entrance to the hotel's roofed COURTYARD. The Older PR
Woman we saw earlier stands at the door, a formidable
presence. As we watch she greets an approaching CELEBRITY
gushingly. Seizing his chance Sidney darts towards the door
and, tray held aloft to cover his face, slips through into
the courtyard beyond.
10 INT. HOTEL COURTYARD - SHARPS MAGAZINE PARTY - MOMENTS 10
LATER
...as Sidney emerges from the washrooms, now dressed only
in the white shirt and black trousers. He scoops up a
passing glass of champagne, checks his moustache and
surveys the courtyard - a room full of glamour: tanned
skin, diamonds, beautiful dresses, beautiful suits,
champagne. He stands surveying the crowd of A-list
celebrities in front of him, dazed.
SIDNEY
(TO HIMSELF)
You can do this. You belong here.
You're a star. You're a big,
bright shining star...
6.
11 INT. HOTEL ROOM - EVENING 11
The room is trashed - furniture over-turned, mini-bar open
and broken bottles all over the floor. A weird squealing
which could almost be human is coming from the bathroom.
ASSISTANT MANAGER (O.S.)
Hello? Sir?
The squealing stops.
ASSISTANT MANAGER (CONT'D)
Is everything alright?
The door opens and the Assistant Manager walks in and
stands staring around him in horror. Behind him the pig
emerges from the bathroom and slips out of the open door,
across the corridor and straight into the open lift...
12 INT. SHARPS PARTY - EVENING 12
Sidney is talking to a very famous and very drunk Hollywood
ACTRESS.
SIDNEY
No, when I'm in L.A. I stay at
the Sunset Marquis, when I'm here
I always stay at the Sanderson.
It's, you know, I don't feel at
home these days unless I'm in a
hotel.
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
So what do you do?
SIDNEY
Oh, I'm a writer. Movie writer.
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
Oh great.
SIDNEY
Yeah. Got one in pre-production
now. You know it's really weird
running into you like this
because just the other day I was
telling the producer I thought
you'd be perfect for the lead.
She starts to laugh.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
No, seriously, you would,
because, you know, you have this
mixture of intelligence and
beauty and fragility that we're
looking for and, uh...
7.
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
(SMILING)
What's the film?
SIDNEY
Tits of Fury.
She laughs.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(SMILING)
I'm joking, I'm just...It's a bio-
pic. About Greta Garbo. That's
why I thought of you. You have
those amazing cheek-bones
and...are they real? Have you had
plastic surgery?
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
No. Have you?
SIDNEY
Me? No, hardly anything. A penis
reduction as a child, that's
pretty much...
She laughs again, snorting into her drink. Sidney can't
believe this - she likes him!
13 INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - EVENING 13
The lift doors glide open and the Pig trots out and around
the corner. The PR Woman is still at the door to the
courtyard, berating one of her staff. The Pig sails past
them both, unnoticed, and disappears into the party.
14 INT. SHARPES PARTY - EVENING 14
A YOUNG MAN sits drinking at a table. He slips a little bag
of Ecstasy from his pocket and takes one.
UNDER THE TABLE
As the Young Man pushes the bag back into his pocket. The
Pig sits at his feet watching as the little bag slips back
out and DROPS to the floor. The Pig sniffs at the bag...
15 SIDNEY AND HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS 15
...still talking. The place is crammed now, and hot. Sidney
wipes sweat from his forehead.
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
Oh god, I'm drunk.
SIDNEY
Are you?
8.
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
I'm so drunk. I haven't eaten
and...
SIDNEY
You feel okay? Because my room's
just upstairs if you want to lie
down or, or loosen any, you know,
morals or...
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
(LAUGHING)
What is your name again?
SIDNEY
Clark. Clark Baxter.
He takes a sip of his champagne and his moustache comes
loose and hangs limply from his face.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
How'd you do?
The Actress stares at him in surprise but Sidney doesn't
notice - he is staring past her to where there is something
of a COMMOTION amongst the guests. The PR Woman is hurrying
across the room, hissing into her ear-piece. Somebody
screams. Then to Sidney's horror a group of guests scatter
in panic and the cause of the commotion is revealed: the
Pig charges into view, heading straight for him.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(MUTTERING)
Oh, shit...
The Pig suddenly skids to a halt and stares at Sidney with
hot eyes. The PR Woman follows the Pig's gaze and spots
Sidney.
OLDER PR WOMAN
(INTO HEADSET)
Sarah, get security! Code Red.
Sidney Young got in!
HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
(FEARFULLY)
Who's Sidney Young?
Before Sidney can answer the Pig charges.
SIDNEY
Oh, shit!
Sidney turns and legs it.
ACROSS THE ROOM
We are looking OVER THE SHOULDER of a tall grey-haired MAN
who stands in the shadows watching Sidney run past. This is
CLAYTON HARDING, his face hidden for the time being.
9.
He lights a cigarette with a thoughtful air and watches
Sidney's flight, rolling the BOOK OF MATCHES between his
fingers.
BACK WITH SIDNEY
...as the Pig catches up with him and lunges at his ankles.
Sidney screams, trips and flies through the air, wig
spinning free, hurtling straight towards a table of
startled celebrities. We FREEZE FRAME.
SUPERED TITLE - "How To Lose Friends & Alienate People."
We hear the opening of David Bowie's Star.
16 INT. HOTEL CORRIDORS - LATER 16
As the TITLES and song continue we see a protesting Sidney
and Pig being escorted by Security through the endless
corridors of the Hotel.
Titles End.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
16A EXT. LONDON FLAT - DAY 16A
A seedy flat in Shepherds bush.
17 INT. SIDNEY'S FLAT - BEDROOM - AFTERNOON 17
Sidney lies in bed reading a newspaper in his underwear. A
phone is RINGING in the next room.
Sidney begins to cut out a photograph from one of the
papers - Sidney struggling with an irate Clint Eastwood and
some Security Men. The phone continues to ring.
SIDNEY
(CALLING)
Will you get that? (Beat) Will
you get the phone?
Sighing he gets up and scratching himself, stumbles through
to...
18 LIVING ROOM 18
...which we see is, bizarrely, an OFFICE - full of an odd
assortment of JOURNALISTS, desks, antiquated computers and
an old fax machine. The walls are lined with past covers
from Sidney's magazine - The Post-Modern Review. One bears
a photograph of Victoria Beckham with the title "Posh
Spice? Like Fuck She Is."
10.
A JOURNALIST is talking on the phone by the door. The other
phone is still ringing.
JOURNALIST
Look, we don't hate celebrities
at the Post-Modern Review, okay?
We just don't think they should
be taking themselves so
seriously. For us a celebrity is
a text to be deconstructed. Apart
from Costner obviously.
Sidney edges past him to where a LARGE WOMAN and a
histrionic THIN MAN are in the middle of a argument,
encouraged by the other members of staff.
THIN MAN
(SHRILL)
I wouldn't do this the honour of
calling it a review. It's a
puerile, personal attack in, in
alcoholic prose, in which
incidentally you manage to
misquote both Derrida and
Lyotard. I am a...
LARGE WOMAN
(CALMLY)
Girl.
THIN MAN
...an internationally respected
academic and...
LARGE WOMAN
Prick.
THIN MAN
...author of a very well received
book on the history of culture
and a...
LARGE WOMAN
Fuckwit.
SIDNEY
(threading his way past)
Couldn't one of you answer the
phone?
As the argument continues behind him he reaches the phone
with a bored YOUNG MAN sitting by it.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Will you answer that? What do I
pay you for?
YOUNG MAN
You don't pay me.
11.
SIDNEY
Just get the phone!
The Young Man answers the phone.
YOUNG MAN
Post-Modern Review.
THIN MAN
Sidney, if she doesn't apologise
I'm quitting.
SIDNEY
(to the Large Woman)
George can't leave. You'll have
to apologise.
LARGE WOMAN
Why can't George leave?
SIDNEY
He owns the fax machine.
Sidney notices the Young Man is staring at him with a
scared expression.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
What?
YOUNG MAN
It's Sharps Magazine.
Sidney stops smiling.
YOUNG MAN (CONT'D)
We're finished.
SIDNEY
We're not finished.
YOUNG MAN
They sue, we're finished.
SIDNEY
Shut up. (To the others) Will you
be quiet!
They ignore him and continue bickering. Sidney picks up the
phone.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Sidney Young.
MAN (O.S.)
(over phone, gravel
VOICED)
This is Clayton Harding. I'm the
editor of Sharps Magazine.
Sidney is visibly thrown.
12.
SIDNEY
Ah, Lord Vader.
19 INT. CLAYTON'S OFFICE - DAY 19
SHOOTING FROM BEHIND Clayton Harding's swivel chair - all
we can see is Clayton's grey hair, his custom-built desk
and the enormous office in front of him. He is smoking. As
he talks he rolls a BOOK OF MATCHES between his fingers.
CLAYTON HARDING
I saw you at my party, just
before you ruined it with your
little pig stunt.
SIDNEY (O.S.)
(OVER PHONE)
You liked that?
CLAYTON HARDING
Sure.
On his desk we see a few copies the Post-Modern Review -
glimpses of stars on the covers - Catherine Zeta-Jones,
Orlando Bloom... Clayton's hand sifts one copy from the
others and holds it up - the cover depicts CLAYTON HIMSELF -
patrician handsome, stern, photo-shopped so that he appears
to be NAKED. A headline reads "Clayton Harding - The
Editor's New Clothes?
Clayton's shoulder's heave with a snort of repressed
laughter.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
(examining the cover)
I especially liked the part where
Clint Eastwood beat the shit outa
ya.
20 INT. MAGAZINE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 20
Sidney lights a cigarette, trying to seem casual.
SIDNEY
We're not scared of you, Harding.
You want to sue, go ahead and
sue. It's like Jimmy Stewart
said, (a poor Stewart
impersonation:)"You sit up there
and you spin your little webs and
you think the whole world
revolves around you and your
money. Well, it doesn't, Mr...
Mr...
13.
21 INT. CLAYTON'S OFFICE - DAY 21
Clayton is still flicking through the magazines.
CLAYTON HARDING
Potter.
SIDNEY (O.S.)
(OVER PHONE)
"Mr. Potter..."You go ahead and
sue if you want, but I warn you,
if you strike me down, I shall
become more powerful than you can
possibly imagine.
An ASSISTANT walks in. Clayton looks up.
ASSISTANT
(SOFTLY)
Miss Taylor is here sir.
Clayton nods and quickly throws the magazines into a BOTTOM
DRAWER of the desk. Sidney is still talking over the phone,
beginning to enjoy himself.
SIDNEY (O.S.)
Destroy me and a hundred more
will spring up in my place - men
who care nothing for success, men
who cannot be bought, men whose
only loyalty is to...
CLAYTON HARDING
(CALMLY)
I want you to come and work for
me at Sharps Magazine in New
York.
22 INT. MAGAZINE OFFICE - DAY 22
Sidney stares to where the Thin Man is trying to get out of
the door with the Fax Machine, the Large Woman struggling
with him. The two fall to the floor. The rest of the staff
gather around them.
STAFF
(CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight...
SIDNEY
(INTO PHONE)
Um...could you say that again
please?
We hear the sound of an aeroplane engine build as we...
23 AN AEROPLANE ROARS THROUGH THE BLUE SKY. 23
14.
24 EXT. JFK AIRPORT - DAY 24
Sidney emerges from the airport, wearing his crumpled brown
suit, dragging his suitcase behind him. He stares around,
excited to be here.
25 EXT. NEW YORK - HELL'S KITCHEN - EVENING 25
Sidney drags his suitcase down the quiet street and stops
outside an apartment block, checking the address.
26 INT. STAIRS - EVENING 26
An elderly Polish lady - MRS KOWALSKI - is leading Sidney
up the stairs of the building.
MRS KOWALSKI
This magazine you are working
for? It is good?
SIDNEY
It's Sharps Magazine. You know
Sharps? It's sort of society,
fashion, crime, finance,
Hollywood celebrities...
MRS KOWALSKI
(SCORNFUL)
Hollywood. Sodom and Gomorrah.
Now everybody is celebrity. You
take out your breasts, you are
celebrity.
SIDNEY
(eyeing her chest
DOUBTFULLY)
Well, I think it depends on the
breasts but...
MRS KOWALSKI
(OBLIVIOUS)
In Poland, someone was famous
because they had done
something...Marie Curie...Pope
John Paul...
SIDNEY
Yeah, they don't make
entertainers like that any
more...
Mrs Kowalski cuffs the back of his head. Sidney is somewhat
surprised by this familiarity, having only just met the
lady. She opens an apartment door.
15.
26A INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 26A
Mrs Kowalski shows Sidney into the small and cheaply
furnished apartment. Sidney's boxed possessions stand in a
corner.
MRS KOWALSKI
They brought your things
yesterday.
SIDNEY
(LOOKING AROUND)
Yup, this is good. This is...I
can put my drum kit just over
there and, uh...
She stares at him.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
That's a...that's just a joke.
They're just little...congas.
MRS KOWALSKI
When do you start work?
SIDNEY
Tomorrow morning.
MRS KOWALSKI
Well, you need to be fresh, make
a good impression.(Leaving) Go to
bed.
SIDNEY
Just what I'm going to do...
27 INT. BAR - EVENING 27
A drunken Sidney dances frenetically on a small dance floor
made of squares of flashing color, compensating with
enthusiasm for what he lacks in coordination. The women on
the floor shuffle further and further away from him.
28 EXT. STREET - EVENING 28
Sidney walks down the street, staring bright eyed at the
city around him, in love with New York. A SEXY WOMAN in a
short dress passes him. Sidney ogles her as she walks into
a BAR.
29 INT. BAR - EVENING 29
Sidney finds the Sexy Woman sitting at the bar. There is an
empty stool beside her. Sidney sidles into it.
16.
SEXY WOMAN
(TO BARMAN)
A Kona please.
Sidney gestures to the Barman to make it two. He sits
trying to think of something to say. The barman returns
with their drinks.
SIDNEY
(raising his glass)
Hi, my name's Clark. Clark
Baxter.
The Woman looks at him without expression. Sidney sips his
drink, grimaces.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(TO BARMAN)
What the hell's that?
BARMAN
That's a water sir.
SIDNEY
Well that's...that's not right,
is it? That's not...put a dash of
beer in that.
A young woman has been sitting on the other side of Sidney.
This is ALISON OLSEN (20s) smart, attractive, dressed in an
elegant but no-nonsense suit. She is writing in a NOTEBOOK.
She looks up and notices Sidney.
ALISON
I'm sorry, my boyfriend's sitting
there.
Sidney gets up and examines the stool.
SIDNEY
Is he? He's fucking small isn't
he?
He smiles at the Sexy Woman, hoping to get a laugh. Alison
examines Sidney coolly, points to the drink on the bar in
front of Sidney.
ALISON
That's his White Russian. He'll
be here in a second.
SIDNEY
(TO BARMAN)
Can you reserve these seats?
BARMAN
Nope.
Sidney sits down and turns back to the Sexy Woman.
17.
SIDNEY
I'm a journalist. Work for a
little periodical you might have
heard of called Sharps Magazine?
Sidney produces a card and waves it vaguely.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I'm the Cultural Editor.
Alison takes the card from his hand before he can put it
away again.
ALISON
(to Sexy Woman)
This is a library card. (Reading
it) From Glow-cester...
SIDNEY
(snatching it back)
That's...not that one...
(Searching wallet) I've got it
somewhere...I just...
The Sexy Woman gets up and walks away. Sidney watches her
go bitterly.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(TO ALISON)
Happy now?
ALISON
Just doing my bit for the gene
pool.
He produces the PHOTOGRAPH of him being held in a headlock
by Clint Eastwood.
SIDNEY
Who's that there with Clint
Eastwood?
ALISON
Morgan Freeman?
SIDNEY
No, in the headlock.
ALISON
You had this laminated?
SIDNEY
Oh just give it...
He snatches the photograph back, catching Alison's glass in
the process. Her drink SPILLS over her notebook - soaking
the page she has been writing.
ALISON
Shit!
18.
SIDNEY
It's okay. It's okay. I've got
it.
He tries to blot the page with a napkin, smearing the ink.
ALISON
Just...just leave it!
She examines the book, furious.
SIDNEY
Sorry.
He tries to think of something to say.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
It's pronounced Gloucester by the
way.
ALISON
(ICY)
Are you going to get off that
seat?
SIDNEY
No.
ALISON
(BEAT)
Do you know the meaning of Karma?
SIDNEY
The curry?
ALISON
(inscribing a circle in
THE AIR )
What goes around, comes around.
The moment is approaching when
you will pay the price for being
an asshole. When my boyfriend
gets here I'm going to put my
pacifist leanings to one side and
encourage him to take you outside
and...
Her cell-phone rings. She answers it.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Hello? Hi, honey.(Beat) Oh.
(Beat) no, no, it's...don't worry
about it. I'll see you then.
She hangs up, avoiding Sidney's gaze, embarrassed and
annoyed.
SIDNEY
Boyfriend not coming?
19.
She stares straight ahead, gathering her things.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(CONCILIATORY)
Listen, I'm sorry. Do you
think...?
She turns to him.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Do you think I could have his
drink?
Alison gives him a cold smile, controlling her temper. She
spots a heavily made-up WOMAN walking past.
ALISON
Bobbie?
WOMAN
Hey!
ALISON
You want a seat? I'm just
leaving.
WOMAN
Thanks.
The Woman takes Alison's place at the bar.
SIDNEY
(to the newcomer)
Hello.
He slides the PHOTOGRAPH over to her.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Guess who that is with Clint
Eastwood.
Alison gives a small smile and leaves.
30 INT. SIDNEY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 30
Sidney and the Woman dance drunkenly around the room to the
music blaring from Sidney's stereo. The track finishes and
they stand gasping for breath.
WOMAN
I'm gonna powder my nose. Why
don't you put on something a
little more romantic?
She staggers off down the hall. Sidney, giddy with
excitement, searches through some LPs and puts one on his
old turntable. It's Ace of Spades by Motorhead. He staggers
around, playing air-guitar for a moment.
20.
The music is suddenly switched off. He turns to find Mrs
Kowalski standing beside the record player, staring grimly
at him.
SIDNEY
Mrs Lebowski...
MRS KOWALSKI
Kowalski. You know what time it
is? The music blaring, your door
open...
SIDNEY
(trying to seem sober)
Was it? Fuck. I mean, shit.
Sorry. I just...met an old friend
and brought them back...
The Woman staggers back into the room, her back to us. She
is NAKED. She is also surprisingly muscular.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
...for a little...
He notices the woman. His gaze drops to below the waist.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
...penis.
Mrs Kowalski turns and takes in the view. Nobody moves.
31 INT. BEDROOM - MORNING 31
A hung-over Sidney wakes up in his bed, light streaming
through the window.
32 BATHROOM 32
He examines his reflection, psyching himself up for his
first day.
SIDNEY
You can do this! You can do this!
He hums the fanfare from the Rocky theme.
33 LIVING ROOM 33
Sidney walks into the room, still humming the theme tune,
shadow boxing. He opens the blinds and turns to the couch.
The "Woman" wakes up from where she has been sleeping on
the couch and gazes blearily at Sidney.
SIDNEY
Quick coffee Bob and then you've
got to go.
21.
We hear the opening of Brian Ferry's version of The `In'
Crowd as we...
34 EXT. TIMES SQUARE - MORNING 34
As the song continues we see Sidney swagger down the busy
sidewalk towards us. He is wearing sunglasses and a T-shirt
emblazoned with a photograph of Keanu Reeves and the
caption "Young, Dumb and Full of Cum."The T-shirt is riding
up a little over his belly.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
This is my city.
He stops at a gleaming chrome entrance and stares up at the
Heywood Building towering above him.
35 INT. HEYWOOD BUILDING - ENTRANCE SECURITY - MORNING 35
As the song continues Sidney, still swaggering, is escorted
through the formidable looking security by a thin and chic
ASSISTANT. The entrance hall arches above them, a vast and
impressive cavern of chrome and glass.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
This is my building.
36 INT. LIFT - MOMENTS LATER 36
Sidney leans nonchalantly against the wall of the lift
examining the Chic Assistant and two stunningly beautiful
MODELS who are in conversation. Sidney manages to catch the
attention of one of the models and flashes what he believes
is a rakish smile. In return he receives an icy glare.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
These are my models.
37 INT. SHARPS MAGAZINE - CORRIDOR - MOMENTS LATER 37
The Chic Assistant leads Sidney down a curving, red
carpeted corridor, past a chrome wall inscribed with the
giant logo of the magazine. They reach a set of double
doors which the Assistant opens for Sidney...
SIDNEY (V.O.)
And this...
Sidney walks through into...
38 CLAYTON HARDING'S OFFICE 38
Harding swings around in his chair to glare at us, a
cigarette in his mouth.
22.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
...is my Boss.
CLAYTON HARDING
What the fuck are you wearing?
The song grinds to an abrupt halt. Sidney loses a quantity
of swagger. He examines his T-shirt.
SIDNEY
You like it? I brought you one.
He takes a T-shirt from his satchel and hands it to
Harding.
CLAYTON HARDING
Thanks.
Casually he flings the shirt out of the open window behind
him.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
Next time you come here dressed
like that, you follow the shirt.
You understand?
Sidney nods dumbly.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
Sit down. How was the flight?
SIDNEY
(SITTING)
Good. Thanks for the business
class tickets, Clay.
Harding regards him gravely.
CLAYTON HARDING
That was a mistake. And don't
call me Clay.
SIDNEY
Oh. Well, if it's any consolation
I got downgraded anyway.
CLAYTON HARDING
(GRAVELY)
That is some consolation.
Sidney notices that the copy of The Post-Modern Review is
on the desk - Clayton NAKED.
SIDNEY
(NERVOUSLY)
Ha! That was just a little, uh...
as it happens I'm a big fan of
your earlier, funnier work. Snipe
Magazine that was...that was
really good.
23.
Harding stares at Sidney.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Yeah, you've...you've actually
been a big influence on me and I
really think together we can
inject a bit of that Snipe spirit
into this magazine. Now I've got
a few ideas that I'd like to...
CLAYTON HARDING
(INTERRUPTING)
You think you've arrived, doncha?
Well I hate to break it to you,
but you're only in the first
room. It's not nothing, don't get
me wrong, but there are plenty of
people in this town who never
made it past the first room.
After a year or so, maybe longer,
you'll discover a secret doorway
at the back of the first room
that leads to the second.
Eventually, if you're lucky,
you'll discover another doorway
back of the second room that
leads to the third.
He gazes at Sidney through narrowed eyes.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
There are seven rooms in all.
You're in the first, I'm in the
seventh, and doncha forget it
Sidney has been listening with a frown of concentration.
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
So...if I make it to the Seventh
Room - will I become a true Jedi
Knight?
Harding exhales smoke and puts out his cigarette.
CLAYTON HARDING
Which brings us to the subject of
your sense of humour. I had a
look through your "magazine"
here.
SIDNEY
What'd you think?
Clayton swivels in his chair and stares thoughtfully out
over the Manhattan skyline.
CLAYTON HARDING
Oh, I thought it was...kinda
snarky. And bitter. And...
witless.
24.
Sidney digests this. Clayton seems lost in thought.
Finally...
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
I'm going to try you out in the I
Spy Section.
39 INT. CORRIDOR - DAY 39
Sidney is hurrying to keep up with LAWRENCE MADDOX (40's)
as he strides down the corridor. Lawrence is Canadian,
handsome, one of the golden boys of the magazine and
arrogant with it. Other EMPLOYEES pass them as they walk,
heads down, expressions serious. The place is a model of
quiet, professional industry.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(glancing at Sidney's
CLOTHES)
Well, Sidney. We've only just met
but already I perceive I am in
the presence of a rare comic
sensibility.
SIDNEY
Thanks.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
I know your Hi-jinx gave you a
certain notoriety back in Olde
England but things are going to
be a bit different here. Harding
wants me to be your Rabbi, show
you the ropes. Are you aware of
what we do at I Spy?
SIDNEY
You photograph famous people when
they're drunk?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(IGNORING HIM)
I Spy is the nation's window onto
High Society. The Looky-Loos read
us because...well, They Weren't
There. The Glitterati read us
because we tell them They Were
There. For this system to work we
have to know where There is.
SIDNEY
So...when we go out to clubs and
things...would that, would that
be on expenses or...?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
This isn't a vacation. It's a
vocation.
25.
Maddox sweeps around the corner into an open-plan office
area. Fact-checkers and Assistants buzz around.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
When we do go out you're going to
have to wear something more
suitable.
SIDNEY
Okay. What do you mean by
suitable?
Maddox gestures at Sidney's body.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Something that covers all of this
up.
He starts to check messages on his desk. Sidney, trying to
seem at ease, stares at a black and white PHOTOGRAPH on the
wall.
SIDNEY
Is that Mussolini?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(Beat.) )
No, Sidney, that's Richard
Heywood. The owner of this
magazine.
SIDNEY
Oh. Looks a little like,
uh...(pointing to the child in
the photograph, smiling) Who's
this funny looking kid? Is that
his son?
Maddox stares at him.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(ICILY)
That's his daughter, Elizabeth;
now my wife.
A SUBTITLE materializes like a halo around Maddox's head.
It reads: Do Not Fuck with Me.
SIDNEY
(FLUSTERED)
Really? Well, she's very...isn't
she? Really, very...
Someone walks up behind Sidney.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Miss Olsen here takes care of the
gallery openings, book launches
and other intellectual fare. Can
you find our new rookie something
to do?
26.
Sidney turns to find Alison behind him, eating an apple.
She eyes him coldly.
ALISON
I hear the Cultural Editor's job
is up for grabs?
40 LATER 40
Alison sits working at her computer. Sidney appears and
perches on the edge of her desk.
SIDNEY
Listen, seeing as how I'm going
to be sitting just over there,
don't you think we should try and
put last night behind us?
ALISON
No. Get off my desk.
SIDNEY
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
be doing. (Beat) Are you going to
help me out?
ALISON
Okay. Which way did you come in?
Sidney stares at her. Alison takes some contact sheets from
her desk and shoves them at him.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Chris Blick exhibition opening.
Caption it. Now get off my desk.
One of the magazines gorgeous Fashionistas - INGRID - walks
past.
INGRID
(TO ALISON)
Hi!
ALISON
Hi, Ingrid.
Ingrid stares at Sidney's outfit, thrown.
SIDNEY
(a wolfish smile)
You going to introduce me?
ALISON
This is Clark Baxter. (Noticing
Ingrid's gaze) He's English.
INGRID
(That explains it)
Ohh...right.
27.
SIDNEY
Actually it's Sidney. Sidney
Young. Clark Baxter is my alias.
INGRID
Why do you have an alias?
ALISON
He uses it when he's trying to
pick up transsexuals.
INGRID
(CREEPED OUT)
Nice to meet you.
She walks on.
SIDNEY
(TO ALISON)
I take it you knew about Bob and
didn't tell me?
Alison inscribes a circle in the air with her finger
without looking up.
41 LATER 41
Sidney is on the phone. He is staring at some contact
sheets.
SIDNEY
Hello, is that the Parsons
Gallery?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Yes, it is. This is Celia Parsons
speaking.
SIDNEY
This is Sidney Young from Sharps
Magazine? We're running some
photographs from your opening of
the Chris Blick exhibition, and I
just need to caption them. I was
wondering if you could help me
identify some of the people?
WOMAN'S VOICE
(OVER PHONE)
All right.
SIDNEY
Thanks. So...Chris Blick. Man or
woman?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
What?
28.
SIDNEY
Is Chris Blick a man or woman?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(BEAT)
Are you sure you're calling from
Sharps magazine?
SIDNEY
Yes, I am.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(ICY)
Tell me Stanley, why have they
given you this assignment if you
don't know who one of the most
famous artists in America is?
SIDNEY
I...I don't really know.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(SNAPPING)
He's a man.
SIDNEY
Okay. Is he an old man?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(BEAT)
He's an older man, yes.
SIDNEY
(staring at a
PHOTOGRAPH)
Okay, I've got two old men here -
so is he the fat one?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(BEAT)
You do realize that Clayton
Harding is a personal friend of
mine?
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
What's that got to do with
anything?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Right.
She hangs up. Beat. Sidney looks around, hoping no-one was
listening. He re-dials.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Parsons gallery.
SIDNEY
Is he the one with the wonky eye?
29.
She hangs up again.
CUT TO
42 INT. LOBBY - LIFT - DAY 42
Sidney, coming back from lunch, gets into the lift eating a
HAMBURGER. Another of the magazine's Fashionistas - ANNA -
gets into the lift and tries to hold the door open for an
approaching friend. The doors swish shut, Anna pulling her
hand out of the way just in time. The lift rises.
SIDNEY
It's fashion sensitive. If you're
not wearing Prada it'll take your
arm clean off.
Anna stares at this strange man with the burger, baffled.
ANNA
But I am wearing Prada.
The lift stops and she gets out. Alison gets in, sees
Sidney and winces. She takes out a book and pretends to
read. The lift begins to rise again.
Through it's glass doors we see the different floors
passing, different publications - each a hive of sober,
hard work. Sidney stares at them.
SIDNEY
(MOUTH FULL)
This isn't what I expected.
Alison recoils slightly.
ALISON
What did you expect?
SIDNEY
I don't know. The Algonquin
circle. Dorothy Parker. Martinis.
Quips. Look at them. Not one of
them is drunk.
ALISON
It's called being a professional.
You should try it some time.
SIDNEY
There's something you should
understand. I'm not really one of
you.
ALISON
By "you" do you mean "human?"
30.
SIDNEY
I mean the glossy posse. Bunch of
Zombies, writing about "Pets of
the Stars" but acting like
they're working for the UN. I'm
here to shake things up a bit.
Where are you from?
ALISON
Not that it's any of your
business, but I'm from Port
Huron, Michigan.
SIDNEY
Right. Small town girl. (Hannibal
Lector impersonation) I bet you
could only dream of getting out.
Getting anywhere - yes, Clarice?
Getting all the way - to the
N...Y...C. (Dropping the
impersonation) Take my advice,
don't go taking this celebrity
fluff seriously.
For a moment Alison is speechless with anger.
ALISON
You...you...arrogant...
The lift stops and a TALL WOMAN enters. She is expensively
dressed, wears Chanel dark glasses, an expression of
granite and an air of superhuman froideur.
Alison exchanges the slightest of nods with her and stares
tensely ahead. Only Sidney, busy chewing, is oblivious to
the plunge in temperature.
For a moment there is only the soft whir of the lift. Then
Sidney begins to choke on some burger. He wheezes for a
moment, gagging.
The Woman stiffens slightly but shows no other sign of
having noticed the revolting noises coming from behind her.
Alison closes her eyes.
Sidney gives a violent cough and a chunk of chewed burger
and coleslaw flies out of his mouth and lands on the back
of the oblivious Woman's Prada jacket.
Sidney notices and raises a tentative hand to brush the
offending item away.
Before he can move Alison silently takes his wrist in a
vice-like grip.
43 CORRIDOR - MOMENTS LATER 43
Alison is haranguing Sidney.
31.
ALISON
(HISSING)
Are you insane? That was
Lawrence's wife, Elizabeth! Her
father owns Sharps!
SIDNEY
That was her? The Mussolini baby?
He stops.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I could go back and tell her
I'm...
ALISON
No! Listen to me - you do NOT
approach Elizabeth Maddox, you do
NOT talk to her! Don't even
make eye-contact with her? Do you
understand?
SIDNEY
Am I supposed to be afraid?
ALISON
Yes.
SIDNEY
I don't know the meaning of the
word fear.
ALISON
I'm sure there are many words you
don't know the meaning of!
She walks on, shaking her head in disbelief.
ALISON (CONT'D)
When I think of all the people
who would kill to be where you
are. And you lumber in here,
spitting food, haven't got the
brains God gave a mollusc...why
did Clayton hire you?
SIDNEY
(FOLLOWING HER)
Snipe Magazine.
ALISON
What?
SIDNEY
When Clayton left college he
started this little magazine
called Snipe. Fantastic. Took aim
at every self-important celebrity
in town. Completely fearless. It
was like my magazine but twenty
years earlier.
(MORE)
32.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
That's why he's hired me. I am
the young Clayton Harding. He
looks at me and sees his glory
days.
ALISON
(SARCASTIC)
His glory days? Sharps has won
fourteen National Magazine awards
and increased its advertising
pages by more than 60 percent
since he took over. He's paid
millions of dollars a year. He
lives in a Bank Street townhouse,
and weekends in the Hamptons.
Clayton Harding is one of the
lynchpins of the media-industrial
complex.
Sidney stops to examine his reflection in a window.
SIDNEY
Yeah, but don't worry. I think I
might still be in time to save
him.
44 INT. SIDNEY'S APARTMENT - EVENING 44
The phone is ringing. Sidney walks in from the bedroom,
changing into his old brown suit. The answer machine kicks
in.
SIDNEY (O.S.)
(over answer machine)
You've reached Sidney Young. I'm
sorry but my answering machine is
out of order, so the voice you
are hearing is actually me.
The machine BEEPS. Sidney smirks at his joke and is
reaching for the phone when we hear the caller - an older
man, an upper-class English accent.
OLDER MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(over answer machine)
Sidney? Are you there?
Sidney stops in his tracks, something complicated and
fearful crossing his face.
OLDER MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Sidney? Are you there?
Sidney tiptoes back out of the room.
OLDER MAN'S VOICE (CONT'D)
If you're there Sidney, answer
the phone.
We hear the opening of Fly Me To The Moon by Julie London
33.
45 INT. TOWN CAR - EVENING 45
Sidney sits in the car beside Alison and Maddox, staring
out the window, entranced by the bright lights as they pass
by...
46 EXT. HOTEL - FUND-RAISER PARTY - NIGHT 46
The rooftop swimming pool of a hotel. Flowers everywhere,
including in the pool. Guests mill around drinking. We find
Sidney working his way through the throng to where Alison
stands.
SIDNEY
(MOUTH FULL)
There's a couple of hundred
grands worth of food here and I
swear I'm the only person eating
it. You want some?
Alison recoils. Sidney does a little nerdy dance to the
music as he eats.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
This place is amazing. It's wall
to wall totty.
ALISON
Wall to wall what?
SIDNEY
Totty. Babes. Sexually attractive
women.
ALISON
Do you mind?
SIDNEY
What?
Maddox joins them. A man passes, nods respectfully at
Maddox.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Look at that. All night people
have been treating us like we're
royalty. In London, the
journalist's motto is "Everybody
hates us and we don't care."
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Well, now you're one of the High
Priests of what's Hot and what's
Not. So what were you two talking
about?
34.
ALISON
Sidney was just marvelling at the
abundance of "Totty" here.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(ENJOYING THIS)
Uh-oh. I don't think Miss Olsen
approves of you, Sidney.
Sidney watches some beautiful women pass, dripping
diamonds.
SIDNEY
I shouldn't be here. I get thrown
out of places like this.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
This? This is a McDonald's. I
hate disease parties. (Off
Sidney's puzzled look) Fund-
raisers.
Someone's CELL PHONE RINGS. All of the guests automatically
check their cells.
An OLDER ATTRACTIVE WOMAN walks over - she's a little
drunk.
WOMAN
Lawrence Maddox? Oh my
goodness... Long time.
Maddox examines her coolly.
WOMAN (CONT'D)
Rachel!
Lawrence barely bothers to conceal the fact he doesn't
remember her.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Rachel. How are you?
RACHEL
Well, I'm just wonderful.
Wonderful. How are you?
Lawrence smiles and looks around him without answering.
Rachel tries again.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
Funny I should run into you. I've
just done this great little film
called Five Boroughs and it's you
know, low-budget, first-time
director but very, uh, moving
and... Hey, maybe you could do a
little...?
35.
A handsome YOUNG MAN passes by. Maddox instantly turns away
from Rachel.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(SMOOTHLY)
Angelo, good to see you.
Rachel hovers for a moment, embarrassed by her abrupt
dismissal then slips away. Sidney watches her go, feeling
for her.
SIDNEY
(TO MADDOX)
You know that was Rachel Petkoff?
She's a fantastic actress. Hasn't
done anything for years, but, in
her day...
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(COOLLY)
I'm sure.
SIDNEY
Seriously, I've heard about that
film. I think she's going to make
a come back. We should get there
first, do a profile or something
before everyone else...
Maddox isn't listening. Instead he greets a fat, angry-
looking VERY YOUNG MAN. This is VINCENT LEPAK, wearing his
customary SHADES.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(FAWNING)
Vincent! Great to see you.
Children, I'd like to introduce
you to Vincent Lepak, enfant
terrible and in, my opinion, the
most exciting new director in
American cinema.
Vincent nods, frowning, looks around.
VINCENT
I think this is the worst
fundraiser I've been to in my
whole life.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
It's a rat fuck, isn't it?
Sidney walks away.
47 ANGLE ON RACHEL 47
...standing at the parapet, smoking, staring out over the
city with red eyes. Sidney appears beside her.
36.
SIDNEY
Excuse me? Aren't you Rachel
Petkoff?
Rachel turns to look at him.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
This is sort of embarrassing
but...
He holds out a napkin.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Could I have your autograph?
Rachel, suspecting she is the target of ridicule, looks
around to see if there's an audience.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I'm a big fan.
RACHEL
(HARD)
Is that so?
SIDNEY
Absolutely. I must have seen
everything you've been in. Those
episodes of The Love Boat and the
Bionic Woman? The Song Birds, In
The Night...I've even seen your
first ever TV appearance. The
Twilight Zone - House of Mirrors.
Right?
RACHEL
(THROWN)
Right...
SIDNEY
My all time favorite? A Day Too
Long. (He means it) You were
really great in that.
Rachel stares at him. She hides her emotion with a bright
smile.
RACHEL
(LAUGHING)
What's your name, honey?
SIDNEY
Sidney Young.
She takes the napkin and pen, her face glowing.
RACHEL
(WRITING)
Sidney Young. I'll remember that.
37.
48 ANGLE ON VINCENT 48
...holding court to Maddox, Alison and some of the
Glitterati. Sidney joins them, eating more food.
VINCENT
You look around and it's all
shit. No-one is making movies
that are fucking worthwhile.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
I'd have to disagree with you,
Vincent.
Vincent looks at him, displeased.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
You're making movies that are
worthwhile.
Vincent accepts this with a curt nod.
VINCENT
This is what I'm saying. You have
to inspire yourself. I am my role-
model. I want to be me...
He stares angrily around, handing his empty glass to his
waiting assistant who immediately replaces it with a full
one from a passing tray. Sidney watches him with dislike.
SIDNEY
(SUDDENLY)
Greatest film ever made?
VINCENT
Excuse me?
SIDNEY
What's the greatest film ever
made? (To Alison) Go on. Have a
guess.
ALISON
(IRRITATED)
Well, that's...I don't think
there is one single film that...
SIDNEY
Have a guess.
VINCENT
(SNEERING)
Yeah, have a guess - what is the
greatest film ever made?
38.
ALISON
(EMBARRASSED)
I don't, uh...well personally I
love La Dolce Vita but...
SIDNEY
Incorrect. Con Air.
ALISON
(BEAT)
I beg your pardon?
SIDNEY
Uhuh, Con Air. It's got
everything. Malkovich for your
acting chops, Nicky Cage for
action, Buscemi for comedy, John
Cusack for the Gays. It's a
smorgasbord.
The group study him, trying to work out if this is irony or
idiocy. Maddox is staring daggers at him. An extremely
thin, fashionably dressed woman smiles at Sidney.
WOMAN
I don't think we've been
introduced?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Mister Young, this is Eleanor
Johnson, Queen of New York.
Eleanor this is Sidney Young.
He's from England and he's our
very own Idiot Savant. Without
the Savant.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Well, it's always nice to have
fresh blood at these things. (To
Maddox) Which reminds me, I'm
here with Sophie Maes, I want you
to meet her. New film, The
Suffragette coming out, the buzz
is A-mazing. The release is tied
in with the roll-out of the
Reebok campaign, and now Louis
Vuitton's on the line. This train
is leaving the station Lawrence.
SIDNEY
(TO ELEANOR)
So, you're a publicist?
ELEANOR JOHNSON
I don't really like that word,
Sidney.
SIDNEY
What should I call you?
39.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
You can call me Eleanor.
She stares past him, across the pool.
ELEANOR JOHNSON (CONT'D)
There she is.
They turn to see a young woman standing across the pool
from them. This is SOPHIE MAES - a natural beauty,
statuesque, no make-up, hair simply pulled back.
Sophie tries to walk around the pool to join them but finds
she can't work her way through the crowd. She turns to her
right but finds her way similarly blocked.
She hesitates for a moment and then with a shrug climbs
down into the pool, the water up to her chest, and begins
to walk through the floating flowers towards them.
Sidney stares at her, TRANSFIXED. Alison notices this with
some contempt.
Gradually everyone notices Sophie and stops to look.
Having reached the other side, Sophie ascends the pool
steps, laughing, her dress clinging to her: Venus rising
from the waves. The Photographers appear, snapping merrily
away.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(MURMURING)
Oh, this one will go far.
49 INT. HOTEL - LATER 49
Sophie, still in her wet dress, Eleanor and Sophie's
ENTOURAGE are striding through the hotel's corridors, on
their way out. Maddox, Sidney and Alison are with them.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(on cell phone)
Where's the car? What's it doing
at the back? Forget what I said.
I want the car at the front. Now.
Sidney finds himself walking alongside Sophie and Maddox,
trying not to stare at Sophie's breasts.
SOPHIE MAES
...I just think it's terrible the
way we're still exploiting
animals. That's why, you know,
I won't wear fur or leather, I
won't wear make-up, I'm
vegetarian.
SIDNEY
I'm with you...
40.
Sophie turns to him with a vague smile.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I won't eat anything with, you
know, eyebrows.
He snickers nervously.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Or if it can chuckle. I won't eat
animals that can chuckle.
SOPHIE
I'm sorry, I can't understand
your accent?
SIDNEY
(EMBARRASSED)
Nothing, just, uh...So you're an
actress? Have I seen you in
anything?
SOPHIE MAES
I don't know. Have you?
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
No. (Trying again) So you haven't
won any Oscars yet?
SOPHIE MAES
No.
SIDNEY
Because I would certainly vote
for you for best supporting
dress! Huh, huh, huh....
SOPHIE MAES
(STRUGGLING TO
UNDERSTAND HIM)
I haven't been nominated for
anything.
SIDNEY
No, I'm just...I'm saying you
look...
They have reached the front entrance of the hotel. Eleanor
steps between them.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(TO SOPHIE)
Are you ready dear?
The front doors glide open to reveal a LEGION OF PAPARAZZI
waiting outside. As Sophie steps outside there is a sudden
roar of photographers shouting and the night sky blazes
white as HUNDREDS OF CAMERAS FLASH SIMULTANEOUSLY.
41.
REVERSE - the group framed in the entrance-way - blinded
by the glare, squinting. Only Sophie has her eyes open,
smiling, looking like a star.
50 EXT. OUTSIDE HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER 50
The Paparazzi are still crowding around the group as they
make their way to the waiting car.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(TO ALISON)
We're going on to the Circle
Club. I'll see you tomorrow.
ALISON
(TIGHT)
Okay. Good night.
Maddox slips his jacket around Sophie's shoulders.
SOPHIE
Aren't you cold?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
I'm from Canada, land of ice and
snow.
They get into the car. Sidney tries to follow them.
SIDNEY
Budge up.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Where are you going?
SIDNEY
I'm coming to the club.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Sorry, you're not on the list.
A small CHIHUAHUA - CUBA - on Sophie's lap snarls at
Sidney.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
See? Even Cuba says so.
Maddox closes the door and the car glides away, Sophie
kissing the dog on the nose. The Paparazzi hurry back to
the entrance as another celebrity emerges, leaving Alison
and Sidney staring after the car.
SIDNEY
(FUMING)
That's... that turns my stomach.
Pawing her like that. He's old
enough to be her father.
42.
ALISON
(IRRITATED)
No he isn't.
SIDNEY
Yes he is. I started producing
sperm when I was thirteen, so you
know, technically...
ALISON
For your information he wasn't
pawing her! He was just doing his
job! In case you haven't noticed
Sharps has to have a star on the
cover every month. And most of
those stars are clients of
Eleanor's. So do not piss her
off.
SIDNEY
She's a flak. Hacks don't take
orders from flaks. And I don't
think you can call that "doing
his job." The man had no blood
left in his upper body...
ALISON
(SNAPPING)
Will you...? Oh, and next time
you want to do the hilariously
ironic I love Con Air skit would
you mind...?
SIDNEY
I wasn't being ironic...
ALISON
...would you mind not involving
me, especially in the presence of
Vincent Lepak who happens to be
very important.
SIDNEY
Yeah, I could tell by the way he
was allowed to stay up past his
bed time.
The car disappears into the distance. They watch it go.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Do you think she'd go out with
me?
ALISON
Who?
SIDNEY
Sophie Maes. You think she'll go
out with me?
43.
ALISON
No. Girls like Sophie don't date
journalists. As far as she's
concerned, you're the help.
SIDNEY
What do you know? A lot of these
starlets are lonely. They spend
their time looking for a man.
Alison starts to walk away.
ALISON
This is New York, Sidney. Women
only date men who are
successful...
SIDNEY
I'm going to be successful.
ALISON
(as she goes)
...and tall.
51 INT. SHARPS MAGAZINE - I SPY AREA - MORNING 51
Sidney sits in front of his computer reading the on-line
New York Post Page Six. A story on the previous night is
accompanied by a large picture of Sophie in her clinging
dress. Above the picture is the title Venus Envy. Sidney
stares at the picture, entranced.
Alison sits at her desk, watching him with contempt. Maddox
appears beside them.
SIDNEY
Have you seen this? She's
everywhere.
An ASSISTANT walks over with a MUFFIN BASKET for Maddox.
ASSISTANT
From Sophie Maes.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(reading the card)
"Thanks for a great night." What
a sweet kid. Oh, Sidney, about
last night - word of advice.
Don't talk to the celebrities,
okay? Sophie said you made her
feel uncomfortable.
He walks off with a slight smirk. Sidney glowers after him.
44.
52 INT. SHARPS MAGAZINE - CORRIDOR - MORNING 52
Sidney walks down the corridor. He slows, his expression
changing suddenly.
SIDNEY'S P.O.V - Elizabeth Maddox is walking down the
corridor towards us, face set.
Sidney keeps on walking, staring to one side of Elizabeth.
As they draw level, the heel of one of Elizabeth's shoes
snaps off and she lurches sideways, colliding with the wall
before sprawling onto the floor in front of Sidney.
Sidney hesitates. He notices Alison watching with baited
breath from the other end of the corridor. For a moment
nobody moves then Sidney steps over Elizabeth's prone form
without a word and keeps on walking.
Alison gives a sigh of relief, nods in approval and walks
on.
53 INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY 53
Clayton heads a monthly staff meeting. A rather smug Maddox
is just finishing a pitch.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
...so Brad's people finally got
back to me and they've agreed.
We've got the whole afternoon,
before the shoot.
People clap. Harding nods approvingly.
CLAYTON HARDING
Good work Lawrence. Okay, well,
if that's it for...
He starts to get up.
SIDNEY
So, I was thinking, Clay...
Clayton, pauses, frowning. Sidney turns to the room,
cocksure.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Paris Hilton. I do a profile on
her as if she's this complete
recluse, this hermit...(laughing)
I try and track her down and, you
know, "Who is the elusive Paris
Hilton and why is she so
publicity shy?"
He laughs for a moment. No one joins in.
45.
CLAYTON HARDING
That's first room stuff, Sidney.
And call me Clay one more time
and see what happens.
Harding stalks out of the room. Blushing, Sidney stares
after him, nodding vaguely. As he gathers his notebook he
becomes aware of the smirks on the faces of Maddox and the
others as they leave.
54 INT. BREAK AREA - AFTERNOON 54
Alison sits with her notebook and pen. Behind her some of
the magazine's glamorous Fashionistas - VICKY, INGRID and
ANNA - are examining some clothes.
VICKY
No, I'd love these but I'm so fat
I couldn't...
INGRID
Get out of here!
ANNA
You look totally rexy.
INGRID
(TO ALISON)
Alice?
Alison hides her irritation with a smile.
ALISON
Alison.
INGRID
Tell Vicky she looks rexy.
ALISON
Rexy?
INGRID
Anorexic.
ALISON
(TO VICKY)
Well...you do look like you could
do with a few more pounds.
VICKY
Oh god, that's so sweet.
INGRID
(TO ALISON)
By the way, post-shoot clear out.
Got some Gucci pants here that
are way too big for us. You wanna
try?
46.
ALISON
(another tight smile)
No, thanks.
She looks up as Sidney sits heavily beside her, stares at
her with puppy-dog eyes. Alison tries to ignore him for a
moment.
ALISON (CONT'D)
I don't mean to be rude Sidney
but...what the fuck do you want?
SIDNEY
Listen, you know how things work
around here. How am I going to
get something in the magazine?
Alison stares at him.
ALISON
I thought all this "fluff" was
beneath you?
SIDNEY
It is but...things have changed.
ALISON
What's changed?
SIDNEY
Look, I know people think I'm a
bit of an idiot and maybe I
haven't started off too well
here, but I want...I want...
He seems so awkward that Alison begins to soften a little.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
...I want to have sex with Sophie
Maes. (Beat) Before Maddox does.
Alison's expression turns to disgust.
ALISON
You're loathsome, you know that?
SIDNEY
(OBLIVIOUS)
I know he's got a head start on
me but I'm going to win her back.
Once I get my hooks into a girl,
they never get free.
ALISON
Like ring-worm.
She gets up and stalks out. Sidney glances through the
glass partition and sees MADDOX walking past.
47.
SIDNEY
(TO HIMSELF)
The gloves are coming off.
We hear the opening of Brigitte Bardot's Moi Je Joue as
we...
55 INT. ELEVATOR - DAY 55
Sidney is pitching to Clayton in the elevator.
SIDNEY
Okay. Celebrity Trash Cans. The
contents of celebrity trash cans
are revealed and readers have
gotta guess who the trash belongs
to... Five bottles of Jack
Daniels, a court order, and a
copy of Mein Kampf? Mel Gibson!
CLAYTON HARDING
(getting out the lift)
First Room, Sidney. First room.
56 EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCLE CLUB - EVENING 56
A small group of GLITTERATI pass the immense line of
hopefuls waiting outside the club and are ushered inside by
the DOORMAN at the entrance. Sidney walks confidently up,
pretending to talk into his cell. The Doorman stands in his
way, impassive. Still talking Sidney turns and walks away
as if nothing has happened.
57 INT. ELEVATOR - DAY 57
Sidney standing with a MODEL-TYPE in the elevator. He takes
a LAMINATED PHOTOGRAPH from his wallet and shows it to her.
SIDNEY
(pointing at the snap)
Guess who that is with Clint
Eastwood?
MODEL
Morgan Freeman?
SIDNEY
No, not...why's everyone say...?
There! In the head-lock!
58 INT. CLAYTON'S OFFICE - DAY 58
Sidney pitches to a closed door in the office. He is
holding a LARGE PIECE OF CARD on which is drawn a TREE
decorated with the heads of various CELEBRITIES.
48.
SIDNEY
It's a Shag Tree. It illustrates
all of the sexual pairings of
Hollywood's top stars and how
they interconnect...
From under the door slides a piece of paper on which is
written First Room. We hear a TOILET FLUSH.
59 EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCLE CLUB - EVENING 59
Sidney approaches the Doorman , takes a ten dollar bill
from his pocket and hands it to the Doorman. The Doorman
crumples the bill up and throws it away. Without a word
Sidney begins to walk away. He comes back and picks up the
crumpled note and then heads off again.
60 INT. CLAYTON'S OFFICE - DAY 60
Harding is eating lunch at his desk. He looks up and finds
Sidney staring down at him with puppy-dog eyes. Beat.
Harding sighs.
CLAYTON HARDING
If I give you an interview will
ya leave me the fuck alone?
Sidney smiles. The song ends.
61 INT. STUDIO - DAY 61
Nathan Lane shakes hands with Sidney as he sits down.
NATHAN LANE
Nathan Lane. Nice to meet you.
SIDNEY
Great to meet you Nathan. I'm a
big fan. I love that rat thing
you played in The Lion King.
NATHAN LANE
(PLEASANTLY)
Actually he's a meer cat.
SIDNEY
(absently, checking his
NOTES)
Uhuh... Now, I've been doing some
research and I think you're
probably quite a private man. Am
I right?
NATHAN LANE
Well...
49.
SIDNEY
Which is fine, but today, I think
it would be great to get behind
the mask.
NATHAN LANE
(BEAT)
Uh, I don't think there really is
a mask as such, and I don't wanna
be a pain, but what I really
wanna talk about is the new play,
keep it about the work, you know?
Is that okay?
SIDNEY
Absolutely. Of course. So, first
question - are you Jewish?
Nathan stares at Sidney.
NATHAN LANE
I don't see what the relevance of
that is.
SIDNEY
Okay. Next question. The rat
thing - that's gotta be Disney's
first gay animal, right? So, I
was wondering - are you a
homosexual?
Beat. Nathan looks like he might hit Sidney.
62 INT. CLAYTON'S OFFICE - DAY 62
Clayton glares at Sidney from behind his desk.
CLAYTON HARDING
What did I say to you?
SIDNEY
What...?
CLAYTON HARDING
What did I say to you?
SIDNEY
I just...
CLAYTON HARDING
What did I say to you?
SIDNEY
Don't upset anyone.
CLAYTON HARDING
Don't upset anyone.
50.
SIDNEY
I was just trying to...probe.
CLAYTON HARDING
You wanna probe become a
proctologist, okay? You can't ask
musical comedy stars whether
they're Jewish or gay. From now
on just assume they're all Jewish
and all gay, okay?
63 INT. I SPY AREA - DAY 63
Sidney is on the phone. He has been idly applying magic
tape to his face, contorting it into a grotesque grimace.
The headline of a magazine open in front of him reads:
"Everyone Loves A Lord: Why British Titles Drive New York
Women Crazy."
SIDNEY
I'd like to apply for an American
Express card please? (Beat) Hon.
Sidney Young. (Beat) As in
Honourable. H-O-N. (Beat)It's a
British title.
Across the desk Alison watches him with contempt.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
The Queen? Yeah, I know the
Queen. Just fill in the form will
you?
Sidney suddenly notices Sophie Maes and Eleanor Johnson
walking towards them. Sophie looks more STYLED than before.
She is holding her Chihuahua, Cuba, which is dressed in a
tiny coat. Sidney DISAPPEARS UNDER THE DESK. We hear a RIP
as he yanks the tape off his face.
SIDNEY (O.S.)(CONT'D)
(in pain, under desk)
Oh, fuck...!
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(WALKING OVER)
Hey! Cuba!
He pets the dog, who greets him enthusiastically.
SOPHIE MAES
(TO LAWRENCE)
He likes you.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(SMILING SMOOTHLY)
Well, I'm one of the Friends Of
Cuba.
51.
He laughs, Sophie smiles, not getting it. Alison seems
immersed in some paper-work.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
So how's it feel to be a star?
SOPHIE
No, don't! It's so embarrassing!
That picture's everywhere now.
And I had no idea the dress was
so see-through! And people are
talking like it was some kind of
stunt.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(SMOOTHLY)
Such a cynical age. Hello
Sidney.
Embarrassed, Sidney gets up from under his desk.
SIDNEY
Hello! Didn't, didn't know you
were coming in...?
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Lawrence is taking us to lunch at
Cipriani.
SIDNEY
(JEALOUS)
Oh great. That's great.
SOPHIE MAES
Lawrence? Could I leave Cuba
here? He doesn't like Italian
food.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Of course you can. He can stay in
my office. Sidney? Fetch Cuba a
bowl of water, will you?
Sidney stares at him.
SIDNEY
(forcing a smile)
Of course.
64 WATER-COOLER 64
Eleanor is getting a cup of water from the cooler. Sidney
joins her, waiting to fill the dog's bowl.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
That is a lovely ring. Where is
that from?
52.
Sidney looks at the wedding ring he wears on his little
finger.
SIDNEY
(EMBARRASSED)
It was my mother's. She gave it
to me.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(SMILING)
Oh, you Sweetie. That is very,
very...(dismissing the topic) So,
listen...You've met Vincent
Lepak haven't you, Sidney?
SIDNEY
Uhuh.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
He has a new movie coming out
soon and Lawrence is over-
stretched as it is. How would you
like to write a story on him?
Alison, at the photocopier nearby, listens.
Sidney smiles, filled with hope.
SIDNEY
A story? Absolutely. That
would...I'd love to...
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(SOFTLY)
Well, great. Maybe we could get
together and discuss the angle?
SIDNEY
Okay. (Beat) What do you mean?
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Well, I'd need to know how we're
going to present Vincent, check
the story, so on.
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
You want copy approval?
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(SMILING)
Any stories written about my
clients need to be in their best
interest, that's all. If things
work out with Vincent we could
maybe talk about a follow up
story on Sophie? What do you
think?
Alison listens, her face registering her distaste.
53.
Sidney looks over at Sophie, struggling with himself.
Finally...
SIDNEY
(RELUCTANTLY)
I'm sorry, Eleanor, I don't...I
don't work that way.
Alison stares with surprise at Sidney. He just went up in
her estimation.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(AMUSED)
Sidney dear, think of it like
this: you write about one of my
clients, you are borrowing some
of their "star-light" to help
sell your magazine. All I'm
saying is quid pro quo.
Sidney is unable to hold back a snicker.
SIDNEY
Their star-light?
Eleanor's face hardens.
65 MOMENTS LATER 65
Sidney watches Sophie, Maddox and Eleanor as they walk
towards reception.
66 INT. MADDOX'S OFFICE - LATER 66
Sidney cracks open the door and peers inside. Cuba sits in
the middle of the floor, staring at him. He emits a low
growl.
Sidney slides into the room.
SIDNEY
Hello Cuba. I'm Uncle Sidney,
come to see how you are. You
wanna play? You wanna little
play?
He takes a RUBBER BALL out of his pocket and holds it up
for the dog to see.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Fetch!
He tosses the ball in the air. Cuba runs after it and
trots back, stumpy tail wagging, the ball in its teeth.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
That's it! That's it!
54.
He strokes the dog.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
We're gonna be best pals aren't
we? You're going to like me more
than that prick Maddox, aren't
you? Fetch!
He tosses the ball again which promptly bounces off the
wall straight out of the half open window.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
No!
Cuba is already running towards the window...
Sidney's yell slows and distorts as we move to SLOW
MOTION...
Sidney springs forward, leaping onto the desk and then in
one bound onto a FILING CABINET by the window, sending it
rocking slightly forward.
Cuba, bounding forward, jumps into the air...
Sidney just manages to slam the window SHUT as...
BACK IN NORMAL TIME...
Cuba bounces off the glass with a yelp and drops to the
floor.
Sidney heaves a sigh of relief.
Then a METAL SCULPTURE on the tilted filing cabinet slides
forward and drops with a TERMINAL THUD ON THE DOG BELOW.
Silence.
Sidney stares down to the floor.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(SOFTLY)
Cuba?
67 INT. CORRIDOR - LATER 67
Sidney stands at the lift holding a bulging bag.
SIDNEY
(waiting for the lift)
C'mon...C'mon...
Alison walks past, sees him and does a double-take.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(seeing her coming)
Shit, shit, shit...
55.
ALISON
That's my bag.
SIDNEY
I'm just...just borrowing it.
I'll bring it straight back.
ALEX
What are you talking about? Give
it back.
She reaches out to take the bag. Sidney holds on
desperately.
ALISON
Stop it! Give me the...
She tugs violently, pulling the bag open. A small PAW lolls
out. Alison freezes staring at it. Silence.
ALISON (CONT'D)
(SOFTLY)
Oh my God.
SIDNEY
(WHISPERING)
It was an accident.
ALISON
Oh my God.
SIDNEY
I was just trying to make
friends. Please don't tell her.
Please don't tell her.
SOPHIE MAES (O.S.)
(CALLING)
Cuba? Cuba?
Startled, Sidney darts into Maddox's office.
67A INT. MADDOX'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 67A
As footsteps and voices approach Sidney tugs wildly at
Maddox's window, trying to open it. Alison follows him in.
ALISON
What are you doing? You can't...!
He jerks the window open and empties Cuba out of it,
slamming it shut just as Sophie, Eleanor and Lawrence walk
in.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Alison, have you seen Cuba?
56.
ALISON
(BEWILDERED)
W-What?
She darts a glance over to where Sidney stands with his
back to the window, gazing at her pleadingly. From behind
him comes a faint creaking sound.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(SNAPPING)
Sophie's dog! Have you seen him?
Sidney hangs his head, awaiting the coup de grace.
ALISON
Uh...no. No idea.
Sidney stares at her in amazement.
Behind him Cuba's body appears at the window, rising into
view on a WINDOW WASHING PLATFORM. A Window Washer, stands
at the other end of the cradle, bobbing his head to the
music in his headphones.
Alison stares at the dog in horror while the others talk,
oblivious.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Don't worry, he couldn't have got
very far.
SOPHIE MAES
(WAILING)
Cuba? Cuba!
Cuba trundles on up to the sky.
68 INT. CLAYTON HARDING'S OFFICE - DAY 68
Clayton stands at the window. He is DRUNK. There is a knock
at the door and Sidney walks in.
SIDNEY
(NERVOUSLY)
Clayton? Have you got a minute?
Clayton lights a cigarette, stares out of the window.
Sidney comes in.
CLAYTON HARDING
Did they find that rat yet?
SIDNEY
No...Not yet. I think maybe he
got out the building?
Sidney hovers.
57.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Congratulations on the Man of the
Year thing. How was the lunch?
CLAYTON HARDING
I don't know. Thousand dollars a
plate, all I could taste was ass.
I'm kissing their ass, they're
kissing my ass. (Beat) I get this
dream sometimes. Someone's set
fire to the building - Heywoods -
Sharps magazine - the whole
thing, it's going up in flames.
My analyst thinks it's an anxiety
dream. I never tell him how happy
I am watching the fucker burn.
Sidney isn't sure what to say. Finally...
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
What do you want?
Sidney takes a deep breath.
SIDNEY
I want to do a story on Vincent
Lepak. Not a puff-piece.
Something funny, but with teeth.
The kind of thing Snipe would
have done. Everyone's treating
him like he's a genius and he's
an idiot.
Clayton notices the CLOSET-DOOR beside him and opens it. He
stares at the rows of blue shirts hanging in there. He
takes an armful out and examines them.
CLAYTON HARDING
Look at these things. How'd I get
a closet full of blue fucking
shirts?
SIDNEY
Um...I don't know.
CLAYTON HARDING
I don't know either. This is an
office for Christ's sake! Why've
I even got a fucking closet?
He drops the shirts.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
Do it.
SIDNEY
(he can't believe it)
Do it?
58.
CLAYTON HARDING
Fuck it. Yeah. Do it. He's an
annoying little prick. Go take
him down. This is your shot.
SIDNEY
Thanks Clayton!
CLAYTON HARDING
You're my little Hit Man.
SIDNEY
(BEAMING)
I'm your little Hit Man!
CLAYTON HARDING
Go do it!
SIDNEY
(HAPPILY)
Okay!
He scuttles out. He ducks back around the door.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
You could call me The Jackal!
CLAYTON HARDING
Out.
SIDNEY
(HAPPILY)
Okay!
He ducks back out again.
69 INT. TRIBECA GRAND HOTEL - NIGHT 69
Sidney is waiting in the lobby. A slightly spaced YOUNG
WOMAN approaches him.
ASSISTANT
Mister Young?
SIDNEY
Yes?
ASSISTANT
I'm Sophie Maes' assistant. I'm
afraid Sophie isn't here right
now.
SIDNEY
(looking past her)
Look I know she's in. I'm not a
stalker. I just know she's upset
about losing her dog and...
59.
ASSISTANT
(FIRMLY)
She isn't here.
SIDNEY
(SIGHING)
Well, can I at least check that
she got my present?
ASSISTANT
Okay. Did you send the flowers?
SIDNEY
(SNORTING DERISIVELY)
Flowers? Yeah,'cos she doesn't
get enough flowers, does she? No,
I sent her the fish.
The Young Woman looks suddenly nervous.
ASSISTANT
Oh.
SIDNEY
Gold-fish. In a bowl. Did she get
them?
ASSISTANT
Yes, but...they were dead.
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
All of them?
ASSISTANT
Yeah. It was kinda shocking. Were
they dead when you sent them?
Sidney stares at her.
SIDNEY
What? No, they were... Who sends
people dead fish?
ASSISTANT
(BEAT)
The Mafia?
70 INT. BAR - EVENING 70
Alison sits at the bar, staring at her notebook, a pen held
in her hand. A WHITE RUSSIAN sits on the bar beside her.
Sidney slides onto the stool beside her. She looks up and
sees he is holding a glass bowl of water with three dead
fish in it.
60.
ALISON
My God, you're like a serial
killer.
SIDNEY
This wasn't me. (Beat) I...I laid
him to rest. Cuba I mean. I took
him over to...
ALISON
(QUICKLY)
I don't want to know.
Alison checks the door, looking for someone, a little
uncomfortable.
SIDNEY
Okay. (Beat) Well, I just...I
just wanted to say...about not
telling them...I really
appreciated it. It was good of
you and, and...you know...not
many people would, uh...
He stops, tongue-tied. Alison takes pity on him.
ALISON
It's okay.
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
Why didn't you?
Alison sighs.
ALISON
You don't need my help to screw
up here, Sidney. I mean, the only
things you make are mistakes and
stains.
The BARMAN arrives, stares at the bowl of fish
disapprovingly.
BARMAN
Can I help you?
SIDNEY
(following his gaze)
Just a couple of straws please.
Stony-faced, the Barman walks off. Despite herself, Alison
smiles. Sidney smiles back. He notices Alison's NOTEBOOK on
the bar.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Can I ask you something? How come
you've always got the notebook?
Is it a diary or something? Am I
in it?
61.
ALISON
It's...it's a novel I'm working
on, alright?
SIDNEY
Wow.
ALISON
Go ahead. I know. I'm a walking
cliché.
SIDNEY
No - a novel, that's...that's
pretty impressive. You're writing
it by hand?
ALISON
Yeah, it...I don't know. It keeps
it separate from the magazine
work. Makes it seem special.
He stares at her.
SIDNEY
You're full of surprises, Sister.
Suddenly he notices the White Russian beside them.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
So...you waiting for your
boyfriend?
ALISON
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
Uh, yeah, so...
SIDNEY
What's he do, the mystery guy? Is
he a hack too?
ALISON
(BEAT)
Actually he's a poet.
SIDNEY
Really? What's he look like?
ALISON
(LAUGHING)
What?
SIDNEY
Just most poets you see aren't
really good-looking, are they?
Spend their time stuck in a room,
end up looking like Golem. Is
he...?
ALISON
He's very handsome, thank you.
62.
SIDNEY
(GLOOMILY)
Right.
ALISON
You know what I don't understand?
You're desperate to get a story
in the magazine - so why wouldn't
you play ball with Eleanor, write
the puff-piece?
SIDNEY
I resent being bribed to gush
sycophantically about a star,
okay? I choose to gush
sycophantically.
Alison stares at Sidney trying to figure him out.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
It's okay anyway. Clayton's given
me a story. I'm on my way.
ALISON
(SMILING)
Well, that's good.
Sidney smiles back at her. They look at each other...it's
almost the start of a MOMENT...
Then suddenly on the TV above the bar, a MOVIE TRAILER
begins. Distracted Sidney turns to watch - it's Sophie
Maes' new film - The Suffragette - Sophie, a glamorous
Emily Pankhurst...
Sidney looks back to Alison but she has turned away,
suddenly awkward.
SIDNEY
(EMBARRASSED)
Okay, well...better get
going.(Leaving) You take my
advice, you'll get yourself a
boyfriend who's going to show up
once in a while.
He leaves. Beat. Alison stares at the empty stool beside
her.
71 INT. MEETING ROOM - MORNING 71
Clayton is rounding up another staff meeting. Sidney sits
trying to contain his excitement.
CLAYTON HARDING
Which makes it...a half page
left. Lawrence? Any ideas?
63.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Yeah. Rachel Petkoff, fabulous
sixties actress, one of my all
time favourites. Just made a
wonderful movie called Five
Boroughs. I think she's poised
for a come-back and I think we
should get there first, do a
profile.
Sidney stares at him in disbelief. He looks over to Alison
who avoids his gaze.
CLAYTON HARDING
Sounds good. Let's do it. Okay
that's it people.
SIDNEY
Uh...Clayton?
CLAYTON HARDING
What?
SIDNEY
Did you read my story on Vincent
Lepak?
Clayton frowns down at some papers, feigning distraction.
CLAYTON HARDING
What? Oh, yeah. That's...that's
not going to work.
Sidney can't believe it. Clayton gets up to leave.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
Oh, and for those who haven't
heard, Alison is going to be
running the I Spy section from
now on as Lawrence here has just
gone up in the world. He is
replacing Greg Roberts as Deputy
Editor.
Lawrence smiles modestly as the room applauds. Sidney looks
like he is going to implode.
72 INT. CORRIDOR - LATER 72
Maddox passes Sidney in the corridor. Sidney glares after
him. Suddenly...
SIDNEY
Rachel Petkoff? One of your
favourite actresses? You'd
never fucking heard of her! That
was my idea!
Lawrence stops and turns back.
64.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
So it was. You have any more good
ideas don't forget to bring them
to my new office.
He is about to walk on but remembers something.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
By the way, there've been
complaints about you skulking
around the water-cooler, trying
to talk to women. It's
inappropriate behaviour.
SIDNEY
(LIVID)
What? You spend half your life
chatting up the staff!
LAWRENCE MADDOX
When I do it it's called
flirting. When you do it it's
called sexual harassment.
Consider this an official
warning. I won't tolerate sexist
behaviour.
He walks off. Sidney glowers after him.
73 INT. LAWRENCE MADDOX'S OFFICE - DAY 73
Lawrence is holding a meeting in his new office - half a
dozen heads of departments sit around drinking coffee.
Lawrence sits behind his desk, enjoying his new authority.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
I know that wasn't Greg's way of
working but Greg isn't deputy
editor any more. I am, and I'm
making changes.
There is a knock at the door and Sidney walks in with an
attractive BLONDE WOMAN in a long coat and dark glasses.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
What?
SIDNEY
Uh, Lawrence? This lady's been
looking for you?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(to the woman)
Can I help you?
WOMAN
Are you Lawrence Maddox? The new
deputy editor?
65.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Yes?
WOMAN
Well, I've just come to say
congratulations on your
promotion.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(MYSTIFIED)
Thank you. I'm sorry, you are...?
WOMAN
I'm your present.
The Woman produces a Beat-Box from behind her back and
switches it on. She drops her coat to reveal underwear and
stockings underneath.
Maddox stares in frozen horror as the STRIPPER dances over
to him, removing her bra.
74 INT - INGRID'S OFFICE - DAY 74
A Very Well-Dressed Middle-Aged Woman knocks on the door
and enters.
INGRID
Hey Mrs Harding.
Two Impeccably-Dressed Little Girls follow Mrs Harding into
the room.
INGRID (CONT'D)
Oh my God! So adorable!
MRS HARDING
(to the Little Girls)
And this is the Fashion
Department. [To Ingrid] Where's
Mr Maddox now?
INGRID
Oh he's down the hall. Room 217.
75 INT. MADDOX'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 75
The staff are staring transfixed as the stripper gyrates
her breasts, whirling NIPPLE TASSELS.
SIDNEY
(with mock horror)
Uh, Lawrence? This is...this is
sort of inappropriate isn't it?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(HORRIFIED)
Will you please...
66.
His words are muffled by the bra the stripper drapes over
his face. Gleefully, Sidney dances in the background. He
produces a camera and starts to snap away.
SIDNEY
Oh God, this is...this is
awful...
76 OMITTED 76
77 INT. MADDOX'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 77
The Stripper, who we suddenly realise is BOB THE TRANSEXUAL
in a blonde wig, whips off his/her panties. There is a
collective gasp from the room. Sidney can't stop laughing.
Suddenly he notices everyone in the room is now staring at
the door. He turns to see Mrs Harding and her girls
standing, shell-shocked, in the doorway. Alarmed, Sidney
side-steps in towards Bob.
REVERSE - GIRLS' P.O.V
Bob, impressive breasts bared, stands staring back at us.
Sidney, in the absence of anything else to shield him with,
is HOLDING BOB'S PENIS.
The rest of the staff stare at us, rabbits caught in
headlights. After a beat Lawrence peers around Sidney, a
rictus smile on his face.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Hello, Mrs Harding. Girls...
78 INT. OUTSIDE CLAYTON'S OFFICE - LATER 78
Sidney sits waiting, obsessively cleaning his hand with a
wet-wipe. Through the glass partition we can see Clayton
and Eleanor Johnson in the office. They are apparently
discussing a mock-up of a new cover for Sharps. After a
moment Eleanor comes out of the office and sweeps past
Sidney without a glance. Clayton appears in the doorway.
CLAYTON HARDING
(TO SIDNEY)
Get in.
79 INT. CLAYTON HARDING'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 79
Sidney sits in front of Clayton.
SIDNEY
I didn't know it was Take Our
Daughters To Work Day. I didn't
even know there was a Take Our
daughters To Work Day.
67.
CLAYTON HARDING
Shut up. (Beat) You know, when I
told my wife I'd hired another
Brit, she was excited. She still
thinks you're all like something
from Pride and Prejudice. But you
Sidney ...you're like a British
person born in New Jersey.
(Shaking his head) Why did I hire
you?
Sidney stares at his feet. Suddenly...
SIDNEY
I don't know - why did you hire
me?
CLAYTON HARDING
I had an attack of nostalgia.
It's passed. Like gas.
SIDNEY
What was wrong with my story?
CLAYTON HARDING
What?
SIDNEY
Why did you kill my Vincent Lepak
story?
CLAYTON HARDING
It wasn't good enough. Plain and
simple.
SIDNEY
It wasn't good enough?
CLAYTON HARDING
We don't do hatchet jobs here.
SIDNEY
It isn't a hatchet job!
CLAYTON HARDING
This opening quotation - "It's
only too easy to catch people's
attention by doing something
worse than anyone else has dared
do it before..." Who are you
thinking of here? Vincent or
yourself?
SIDNEY
He's a talentless, pretentious
little twat who thinks cinema
began with Tarantino and someone
needs to say it. And you told me
to do something with teeth! You
said...
68.
CLAYTON HARDING
I'm trying to run a fucking
magazine here!
Sidney stares at him, angry and disappointed.
SIDNEY
"A free press is the last defence
against the Tyranny of
Stupidity."
CLAYTON HARDING
(IRRITATED)
Save me your tin-pot philosophy,
okay?
SIDNEY
It isn't mine. It's yours. First
issue of Snipe.
CLAYTON HARDING
(FURIOUS)
Oh, grow the fuck up, will ya!
You're not Robin Hood and you
never were. You bitch about
famous people for the same reason
I bitched about them. Because
they got invited to the Party and
you didn't. Well you're at the
Party now so quit bitching and do
your job! You're on your last
life here, you understand? One
more fuck up like today and
you're gone.
SIDNEY
Won't you have to run a decision
like that past Eleanor first?
For a second Clayton looks like he might throw his ashtray
at Sidney. Then he controls himself.
CLAYTON HARDING
(SITTING DOWN)
Get out.
Sidney crosses to the door.
SIDNEY
(he can't help himself)
Looks like I was too late to save
you after all.
He walks out.
80 INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE - DAY 80
Sidney walks back through the magazine's open plan area. CO-
WORKERS stop whatever they're doing and watch him pass in
silence. Then, slowly, one of them begins to CLAP.
69.
Someone else joins in. Then someone else. Soon they're all
clapping. Someone gets up on their desk, then another...
Sidney smiles faintly then...
BLINKS out of HIS DAY-DREAM.
Everyone around him is working as always, paying him no
attention.
81 EXT. CLAYTON HARDING'S HOUSE - THE HAMPTONS - DAY 81
We are TRACKING through Magazine Staff, celebrities,
politicians and children as they mill about the lawns of
the sprawling mansion, enjoying the Fourth Of July
celebrations which are in progress. Clayton greets guests -
the perfect host.
We find Sidney, wearing unfashionable shorts, socks and
shoes. He is talking to Alison.
ALISON
You hired a stripper?
SIDNEY
I didn't "hire" him. Bob did it
for a favour.
ALISON
I thought you wanted to be a
success here?
SIDNEY
I do! It's just...(ruefully) It
wasn't me. It was Clark.
Alison laughs.
ALISON
The famous alter-ego? How long's
he been hanging around?
SIDNEY
Since I was a kid. Anytime
something got broken, or the
bathroom got accidentally set on
fire - it wasn't me. It was
Clark. (Beat.) The weird thing
is, he kind of took over.
ALISON
How old were you?
SIDNEY
I don't know, twenty, twenty
one...
Alison laughs.
70.
ALISON'D)
Well, let me tell you, if only
you could get rid of that Clark,
you could be a real winner.
SIDNEY
(DEPRESSED)
Clayton's not going to print
anything I write. I've been on
salary for six-months and I've
written precisely one hundred and
seventy five words. On a dollar-
per-word basis, I'm the highest
paid writer in the history of
this magazine.(Beat) He's not
going to renew my contract.
ALISON
(SIGHS)
What did you expect, Sidney?
Vincent's one of Eleanor's
clients. I told you. They're
Untouchables.
SIDNEY
I thought Clayton was different.
I really did. (Beat) The only
thing I'm good at is pissing
people off, and he won't let me
do it. (Beat) "My glory walks
hand in hand with my doom." (Off
her look) Troy
ALISON
Troy who?
SIDNEY
Troy, the movie.
He stares around him at the other guests.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Everybody hates me here. You're
the only one who'll talk to me.
ALISON
You cornered me.
SIDNEY
(a little embarrassed)
No, I mean it. You're the person
who's been most, you know...
uh...abusive to me.
Alison laughs again. They smile at each other.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
You want another drink?
71.
ALISON
(beat, smiling)
Alright. I'll have a beer.
Sidney walks off.
82 EXT. BAR - DAY 82
Sidney is getting a drink at the bar that has been set up
in the grounds. Suddenly he stiffens, watching as Sophie
Maes, looking spectacular, walks over to where Maddox and
his circle are talking nearby.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Sophie, my darling. Looking
ravishing as always.
Whilst the two are engaged in kissing cheeks, Sidney takes
a credit card from his wallet and drops it surreptitiously
by Sophie's feet.
JOURNALIST
(TO MADDOX)
You know what I read the other
day? Your collection of poems -
The Hollow Heart? Man, they're
great.
Sidney reacts to this, feeling troubled for some reason.
SOPHIE MAES
You write poems?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
In another life.
The BARMAN is handing out drinks.
BARMAN
And a White Russian?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Right here.
Sidney stares at the drink, feeling like he's just been
punched in the stomach. Maddox notices him.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
Well, well, if it isn't Sidalee.
Maddox notices the card at Sophie's feet.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
(picking it up)
What's this? "Hon Young".
SIDNEY
That's...that's mine.
72.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
But your name's not "Hon".
SIDNEY
(reaching for it)
It's short for "Honourable".
LAWRENCE
(whisking it away)
As in, "the Honourable Sidney
Young"?
SIDNEY
Can I please...?
LAWRENCE
(holding it out of
SIDNEY'S REACH)
So how come it says "Hon Young"?
They made you sound like some
Korean medical student.
The people gathered around laugh.
SIDNEY
They screwed it up. Please.
LAWRENCE
Sidney baby, you don't wanna go
faking a British title to impress
Sophie. It's the Fourth of July.
(Handing back the card): We're
celebrating the fact that we
threw a bunch of British
aristocrats out.
Sidney smiles tightly. Suddenly...
SIDNEY
Why don't you shut up, Maddox?
Beat. The others look to Maddox to see how he will react.
Maddox smiles dangerously.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Careful Sidney. Remember - if it
wasn't for us you'd all be
speaking German.
SIDNEY
You're Canadian. If it wasn't for
us you'd be speaking French.
Sophie giggles. Maddox doesn't like this but before he can
answer Sidney walks off.
73.
83 INT. HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY 83
Alison is about to walk into the bathroom when she hears
the sound of muffled sobbing and stops. She peers through
the slightly open door.
HER P.O.V - Elizabeth Maddox stands at the mirror, staring
at her reflection. For once she is not wearing her dark
glasses and we can see her eyes are red raw from crying.
84 A LITTLE LATER 84
Elizabeth walks out of the bathroom, dark glasses back in
place, her face a mask once more. She walks off.
Alison slips out from a nearby room and watches her go,
miserable with guilt.
85 EXT. HOUSE - LATER 85
Sidney is staring over to where Alison and Maddox are
standing by some trees, deep in conversation. Maddox is
tossing nuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
SIDNEY
(muttering to himself)
Choke. Choke.
He puts his fingers to his temples as if to channel
telekinetic powers.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Choke...choke...
Sidney realizes Harding's wife is passing with her two
daughters.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Hello, Mrs Harding. Lovely party.
With a look of alarm she shepherds the girls away. A tall
older man dressed in white with a long white beard appears
next to Sidney.
OLDER MAN
How are you?
Sidney nods gloomily.
OLDER MAN (CONT'D)
Has anyone ever told you before
that you have an unusually dark
aura?
SIDNEY
Yup.
74.
OLDER MAN
You should walk with bare feet as
much as possible, ground all that
negative energy.
Sidney examines him.
SIDNEY
So...you're a wizard or...?
OLDER MAN
I'm a spiritual healer.
SIDNEY
You can make a living doing that?
OLDER MAN
Oh God no. I'm a dentist.
They stare at the party for a moment.
OLDER MAN (CONT'D)
You want to do some coke?
SIDNEY
Um...no, thanks.
86 LATER 86
Rachel Petkoff stands talking to some other guests. Sidney
notices her and walks over.
SIDNEY
Hey! Hello again?
Rachel smiles at him distantly, clearly not remembering
him.
RACHEL
Hello. (Turning back to the
others) No, Lawrence is a
wonderful writer. I really felt
like he got to the heart of me.
Sidney snorts. Rachel turns back to him, faintly irritated.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, have we...?
SIDNEY
Sidney. Sidney Young. We met
at...
Another GUEST walks past Sidney and kisses Rachel.
GUEST
I saw Five Boroughs the other day
and wept!
75.
Sidney hovers for a moment, ignored, and then walks away.
87 LATER 87
Dusk. The guests have gathered on the lawns to watch the
fireworks. There are oohs and aahs as the rockets light up
the sky. Suddenly...
SIDNEY (O.S.)
In-ger-lernd!
Puzzled the guests turn to where a drunk Sidney is standing
on the balustrade of the porch of the house.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
In-ger-lernd! In-ger-lerrrrrrnd!
He spots HUGH GRANT amongst the crowd, watching him,
puzzled.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
You! Grant! Come on! In-ger-
lerrrr...
With that he slips from the balustrade and crashes into the
shrubbery below.
88 LATER 88
Sidney limps through the trees, dabbing at a scratch on his
face. He passes Alison who is sitting on a tree-swing, lost
in thought, swigging absently from a bottle of wine.
ALISON
You okay?
SIDNEY
What?
ALISON
I said are you okay?
SIDNEY
I'm fine. Yup. Fine. (Beat) You?
ALISON
Yup. (Beat) No, actually. I hate
my life so, you know, I'm gonna
get drunk.
Sidney nods, vaguely. They stand in awkward silence for a
moment. Then...
SIDNEY
Right...See you...
He walks off. Beat. He walks back into frame suddenly.
76.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(FURIOUS)
HOW COULD YOU?
ALISON
(STARTLED)
What?
SIDNEY
How the...You...having an affair
with Maddox! I mean...Maddox for
Christ's sake! The Man With
Hidden Shallows! Jesus! I mean, I
used to think you were...I was
starting to...I mean, at first I
thought you were a pain but then
I started to think...but I
mean...Maddox? How can you live
with yourself?
Alison stares at him, pale, blinking back tears.
ALISON
(QUIETLY)
I couldn't. That's why I've
broken up with him.
SIDNEY
Well, that's no...that's, you
know...(Beat) You broke up with
him?
Alison walks off. Beat. She walks back.
ALISON
Which leg did you hurt?
SIDNEY
(POINTING)
This one.
Alison kicks the leg.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
OW!
She walks off again.
89 EXT. POOL - EVENING 89
Sidney lies beside the pool staring darkly into the water
and nursing the beginnings of a hangover. We hear faint
music and laughter from where the party continues in the
house behind.
He notices the reflection of the starry sky in the water
and reaching out gloomily to hold one of the stars. The
reflection dissolves into ripples. When the water settles
Sophie Maes reflection stares back at him.
77.
She's drunk and a good deal of the movie star mystique
seems to have evaporated.
SOPHIE MAES
You know what? There's something
very damaged about you.
Sidney stares at her, not sure what to say.
SIDNEY
Huh...
Sophie lies down beside the pool, plays with a strand of
her hair.
SOPHIE MAES
Like an animal that's been hit by
a car or something. Like a deer
or...like a pig maybe? When they
walk funny and the other animals
keep away from them. Little limpy
pig. I'm drawn to sick animals.
That's why I picked Cuba -
because he had like psychological
problems? (Her eyes well with
tears) Poor little Cuba. Where is
he now?
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
Huh...
She wipes her eyes, rolls onto her back.
SOPHIE MAES
Jesus, I'm wasted. Are you
wasted? I'm wasted.
Sidney watches her.
SIDNEY
Congratulations on becoming
incredibly famous by the way.
SOPHIE MAES
Thanks.
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
What's it like?
SOPHIE MAES
What's what like?
SIDNEY
Everything.
She rolls her head to look at him solemnly.
78.
SOPHIE MAES
Weird. It's happening so fast
and...it's like it's got nothing
to do with me. It's like I'm not
even really here.
She laughs softly.
SOPHIE MAES (CONT'D)
Am I here?
SIDNEY
You're here.
She turns back to look at the stars.
SOPHIE MAES
I'm so hungry.
SIDNEY
Would you...would you like me to
get you some food?
SOPHIE MAES
Are you crazy? There might still
be a photographer around.
They lie in silence for a moment.
SOPHIE MAES (CONT'D)
(DREAMILY)
You know what would be nice
though? Some coke.
She rubs her face, close to falling asleep.
SOPHIE MAES (CONT'D)
Probably just as well I haven't
got any. Coke always makes me so
horny.
Sidney opens his mouth but cannot speak.
90 SIDNEY RUNNING DESPERATELY... 90
...through the groups of people chatting outside the house.
SIDNEY
(out of breath)
Wizard! Wizard Dentist Man! Need
Wizard Dentist Man!
91 DRIVE 91
Sidney has virtually dragged the Dentist out of his car. He
is handing Sidney a wrap.
79.
SIDNEY
I will never, never, never forget
this. Thank you!
He starts to hurry away.
92 OUTSIDE HOUSE 92
Alison is weaving unsteadily towards the driveway.
Sidney hurries past then slows and stops, staring back at
her.
93 ALISON'S CAR 93
Alison stands rooting in her purse for a tip to give the
VALET MAN who is holding open the door of her car for her,
the engine running.
SIDNEY
What are you doing?
ALISON
None of your business...
SIDNEY
You can't drive. You need to go
and sleep this off somewhere.
ALISON
Firstly, you are a stupid asshole
and I hate you and Secondly...
Secondly...
She muses on what she was going to say next. Sidney looks
over his shoulder, imagining Sophie waiting for him.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Secondly...
SIDNEY
Yeah, okay. Listen, you try
driving in this state you're
gonna kill yourself.
ALISON
Who'd care if I did?
Beat. Suddenly she bursts into tears. Surprised, Sidney
stands, uncertain what to do.
ALISON (CONT'D)
(SWAYING FORWARD)
I've got to go. Got to go.
Sidney holds her to stop her falling. He stares back at the
pool and then down at Alison.
80.
94 INT. ALISON'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT 94
Sidney is driving. Alison is still drunk.
ALISON
(SLURRING)
I thought I had it all figured
out. A - get the hell out of Port
Huron, come to New York. B - do
the serious journalism thing to
pay the bills while I, you know,
write the novel. C- Win a
Pulitzer. E...
SIDNEY
D.
ALISON
D - I don't know what D was. Then
I took the internship at Sharps
and I met Maddox and he was...he
was so...and before I know it I'm
writing, you know, Ten Tips for
the fucking Metrosexual and
pretending this is what I wanted
but this ISN'T what I wanted! And
that's...that's why I hated
you...
SIDNEY
I didn't know you hated me.
ALISON
(OBLIVIOUS)
...because you were right about
me. I'm a ghoul, writing fluff!
SIDNEY
You're not a Ghoul. You're a
Zombie.
Alison leans her head against the window.
ALISON
But he isn't the person you think
he is, okay? Maddox. That's just
a front. He thinks he's let
himself down by giving up the
poetry and he's unhappy. And the
marriage is a sham, I mean... I
just...I couldn't end it. I just
couldn't and...
SIDNEY
(can't take anymore)
Look, I don't need to hear this.
ALISON
(STUNG)
Fine.
81.
She begins to root through her bag.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Need a cigarette. Where are my
fucking cigarettes?
SIDNEY
You don't smoke.
ALISON
Oh yeah.
She looks at her reflection in the window.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Do you think I have low self-
esteem? Am I afraid of a real
relationship? Do I think an
affair is all I deserve? I mean,
okay, he's handsome and
successful and he's great in
bed...
SIDNEY
(IRRITATED)
Could you just be quiet?
He realises she has started to cry.
ALISON
When I told him I couldn't see
him any more...I don't know if he
cared. I love him and, and I
don't know if he cares!
Sidney watches, moved.
SIDNEY
(RELUCTANTLY)
Well, I'm...I'm sure he does.
He's probably just not very good
at expressing his emotions.
ALISON
(SOBBING)
I'm so fucking sophisticated! I
mean there's not even a little
bit of Port Huron left, right?
I've got the haircut and the job
and I've got the parties and I've
even, I've even got the affair
because that's what sophisticated
fucking people do!
SIDNEY
Alright. Alright. Don't, you
know, get snot everywhere...
ALISON
Oh G-God...
82.
SIDNEY
What?
Alison lurches down out of sight and is sick on Sidney's
shorts.
95 INT. CAR - LATER 95
Sidney is driving through Manhattan, the windows down.
Alison is asleep.
SIDNEY
Alison? What's your address?
(Beat. Shaking her) Alison?
Alison snores loudly. Sidney sighs.
96 INT. SIDNEY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 96
Sidney staggers up the stairs carrying Alison over his
shoulder. Alison is moaning.
SIDNEY
(HISSING)
Shut up will you? You'll wake the
old witch up.
He stops suddenly and turns.
Mrs Kowalski glowers at him from the doorway. Sidney
freezes - a sickly smile on his face.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Did...Did we wake you?
ALISON
(SUDDENLY WAILING
DRUNKENLY)
OH GOD! I'M A WHORE! I'M A WHORE!
An ELDERLY MAN appears behind Mrs Kowalski staring at
Sidney. Long Beat.
SIDNEY
(NUMBLY)
Hello Dad.
97 INT. SIDNEY'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT 97
Sidney, Mrs Kowalski and Sidney's father - RICHARD YOUNG -
sit drinking coffee. Richard has an absent-minded air,
wears a somewhat shabby jacket. Sidney seems to have almost
physically shrunk in the presence of his father.
Some music is playing in the next room. Alison dances
drunkenly past the doorway, wearing Sidney's jacket.
83.
ALISON
(as she goes by)
Love this song...
The three stare after her. Sidney coughs.
SIDNEY
She, uh, she isn't actually a
prostitute.
RICHARD YOUNG
(MILDLY)
Oh good.
Alison dances back into the room.
ALISON
Sooo, Sidney's dad. Good to meet
you. I'm Alison. I'm from Port
Huron. (To Mrs Kowalski) And you
must be Sidney's mom?
MRS KOWALSKI
(SHOCKED)
No I am not!
ALISON
Oh, okay. My dad married again
too, so that's cool. (To Richard)
You wanna dance?
RICHARD YOUNG
(KINDLY)
No thank you.
ALISON
Okay. Where are my cigarettes?
(feeling in the pocket of the
jacket) What is that?
She produces the wrap of coke that the elderly man had
given Sidney.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Oh, hey, is that....?
She stops herself. Everyone stares at the wrap.
RICHARD YOUNG
I think it is probably cocaine.
Sidney closes his eyes.
SIDNEY
It wasn't actually for me. I was
going to give it to this young
actress...
He realises this isn't helping and trails off.
84.
ALISON
(OBLIVIOUS)
So, hey, visiting your boy.
That's nice. You must be pretty
proud of him, huh?
SIDNEY
(DYING)
I think you should lie down
Alison.
ALISON
He's doing just great at the
magazine.
Alison ruffles Sidney's hair clumsily.
ALISON (CONT'D)
First we all thought he was kinda
creepy because he was always
hanging around the water-cooler,
hitting on women...
SIDNEY
Really Alison, I think...
ALISON
But I think that was pretty much
an act. So, Mister Sidney,
whatcha doing here?
RICHARD YOUNG
(SMILING)
Please, call me Richard. I've
written a little book so I'm
doing a few talks.
ALISON
A book! Hey - I'm writing a book.
What's yours about? Don't tell me
- it's a thriller, right?
RICHARD YOUNG
(LAUGHING)
No, nothing so interesting I'm
afraid. I'm a philosopher.
ALISON
(SURPRISED)
Philosophy? Really? Have you
written any...
Alison stops dancing, stares at him, something occurring to
her.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Oh my God...Richard? R.C. Young?
You're R.C Young? (To Sidney)
You...you didn't say...
Sidney avoids her eye.
85.
RICHARD YOUNG
(TO SIDNEY)
I'd love to hear what you think
of the book if you have time to
read it.
Alison snorts with laughter.
ALISON
What would Sidney know about
philosophy?
RICHARD YOUNG
Well, he does have a Masters in
the subject.
Alison stares at Sidney. She breaks into a snorting laugh
again.
ALISON
You're shitting me! Sidney?
He...he likes Con Air!
She stops laughing, hit by a sudden wave of nausea.
ALISON (CONT'D)
I...I don't feel very well.
Mrs Kowalski stands up.
MRS KOWALSKI
Come on. It is time you went to
bed. (To Sidney) You can sleep on
the couch.
ALISON
Okay. Better go before I find out
something else I don't know about
Sidney.
Mrs Kowalski turns to Richard.
MRS KOWALSKI
It was a pleasure to meet you
Lord Young.
Alison stares at Sidney who smiles weakly.
98 LATER 98
Richard and Sidney sit alone.
SIDNEY
You should have said you were
coming.
86.
RICHARD YOUNG
(WRYLY)
That would have required you
answering one of my calls.
SIDNEY
I've been pretty busy.
RICHARD YOUNG
Which reminds me, I was talking
to a publisher friend of mine the
other day. He mentioned that they
were planning a series of
introductory texts on
philosophers. I wondered if you
would be interested?
SIDNEY
(ANNOYED)
I have a job, dad.
RICHARD YOUNG
Of course, of course. I picked up
a copy of your magazine at the
airport.
Sidney stiffens a little.
RICHARD YOUNG (CONT'D)
Most enjoyable. (Beat) I
particularly liked the young
Hollywood actress who said she'd
like to start her theatre career
"somewhere small, like London or
England."
SIDNEY
(IRRITATED)
Why've you always got to do this?
It's...it's...
RICHARD YOUNG
It was just a joke Sidney...
SIDNEY
Actually it's not. Because you're
saying that what I do for a
living is worthless and...
RICHARD YOUNG
I don't think it's worthless. I
just think, in your heart, you
know you could do more with your
life than...
SIDNEY
(ANGRY)
More? Sharps is one of the most
respected magazines in the world.
There's a million hacks who would
kill to be where I am now.
(MORE)
87.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
You know who I interviewed
recently? Nathan Lane.
RICHARD YOUNG
I don't know who...
SIDNEY
I KNOW you don't know who that
is! You don't know who anyone is!
You thought Brad Pitt was a cave
in Yorkshire! But most people do
know who they are, okay? And most
people wouldn't think that a
journalist who gets to mix with
stars like that was a, a
disappointment!
RICHARD YOUNG
(PAINED)
I don't think you're a
disappointment Sidney. I've never
thought that.
Silence. Richard stands and picks up his coat.
RICHARD YOUNG (CONT'D)
(SADLY)
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset
you.
Sidney watches his father, struggling with himself.
SIDNEY
(QUIETLY)
Things haven't really been that
great. I don't know what it is.
(Beat) I'm not... getting ahead.
Richard stops, turns back to his son. Beat.
RICHARD YOUNG
(GENTLY)
If you're not happy...
SIDNEY
No. I'm fine. I know I can make
it.
RICHARD YOUNG
Einstein said "Try not to become
a man of success but rather to
become a man of value."
Sidney doesn't answer.
RICHARD YOUNG (CONT'D)
The young lady next door...
Alison? She wouldn't have
anything to do with your desire
to stay would she?
88.
SIDNEY
What? No. We're just friends.
RICHARD YOUNG
(SMILING)
I saw the way you looked at her.
Sidney considers this, knowing it's true.
SIDNEY
She doesn't feel that way about
me. New York women don't date
losers.
RICHARD YOUNG
(SMILING)
I suppose not. But Alison is from
Port Huron, isn't she?
Sidney stares at him.
99 BEDROOM - LATER 99
Sidney peers into the room to check Alison is okay. She
lies asleep on the bed, moonlight bathing her face. She
looks beautiful.
Sidney stands staring at her for a moment and then tip-toes
back out of the room.
100 KITCHEN - LATER 100
Sidney is cooking, humming, happy that Alison is here.
Alison walks in, feeling dreadful.
ALISON
I don't remember very much but
I'm so, so sorry. I'll get myself
together and get going...
SIDNEY
Why? No, you're all right.
It's...it's nice to have the
company.
ALISON
(REMEMBERING)
Oh God...your father. And that
woman.
SIDNEY
Mrs Kowalski? Don't worry about
it. The last woman she caught me
with had a penis, so you
know...you're a big step up.
ALISON
Thanks.
89.
She notices a black and white photograph of a glamorous
WOMAN on the shelf. We recognise her as the woman on the TV
at the beginning of the film.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Who's that?
SIDNEY
(BEAT)
That's my mother.
ALISON
No way!
SIDNEY
Yeah, I don't take after her...
ALISON
Was she a model?
SIDNEY
Actress.
ALISON
Wow. Movies?
SIDNEY
Some. British, small parts...
ALISON
Is she...
SIDNEY
No, she died when I was young.
Without thinking he fiddles with the ring on his finger.
ALISON
Must have been pretty cool having
your mom in the movies.
SIDNEY
Yeah, I suppose. I used to see
her on the TV every now and then
when I was growing up. Sort of
weird.
He carries the plates over to her.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Here we go! English fry-up.
Perfect hangover cure.
Sidney puts a plate of bacon, eggs and sausages in front of
her. Alison stares at it, going green. Suddenly she darts
from the room.
90.
101 LIVING ROOM - LATER 101
Sidney is tidying. He upsets Alison's bag from the couch
and its contents spill onto the floor - the NOTEBOOK is
amongst them.
Sidney stares at it, hesitates and then, unable to resist,
opens it up and starts to read. Alison walks into the room.
Sidney looks up guiltily.
SIDNEY
Sorry, I was just...uh...(He
can't think of an excuse)
...rooting through your private
possessions...
Alison sits on the couch, feeling too ill to be annoyed.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I like the opening.
ALISON
You do?
SIDNEY
I do. Can I read the rest of it?
Believe it or not, I'm a pretty
good editor.
ALISON
I don't know. I don't even know
if I'm going to bother finishing
it.
SIDNEY
"Keep true to the dreams of thy
youth."
Alison examines him through narrowed eyes.
ALISON
Is that from Troy again?
SIDNEY
Schiller.
She puts her things back in her bag.
ALISON
I'll jump in the shower and then
I really will get out of your
hair.
Sidney watches, not wanting her to go.
SIDNEY
Oh, I forgot...I got you a
present.
91.
He hands her a bag. Surprised she opens it and takes out a
RECORD. It's the Nino Rota sound-track to La Dolce Vita.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I was just walking past this
music shop on the corner and I
saw it. I thought it might cheer
you up.
Alison is deeply touched.
ALISON
That's...I don't know what to
say. (Beat) I haven't got a
turntable.
SIDNEY
Oh. (Beat) Well, you can always
come here to listen to it.
Sidney takes the record and puts it on the turntable in the
corner of the room. He selects the finale music - it's
funny and sad, glamorous and romantic... They listen to it
for a moment. Sidney starts to dance a little. He cha-cha's
over to her and holds out his hand.
ALISON
Are you kidding? I could throw up
on you again.
SIDNEY
C'mon...
Alison reluctantly gets up. They dance ironically. Alison
laughs a little.
Gradually they get more into it, enjoying the music - a man
in shorts and a woman in pyjamas, cha-cha-chaing, a summer
breeze wafting in the through the open windows behind
him...
DISSOLVE TO:
102 INT. I SPY AREA - DAY 102
Some weeks later. Alison sits at her desk, trying to work.
She looks up and catches Maddox watching her with soulful
eyes from across the room.
She looks quickly away, unsettled.
Sidney sits at his desk surreptitiously watching her,
SMITTEN.
92.
103 INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY 103
Autumn. Rain lashes against the window. Alison drinks
coffee. Ingrid and Anna are examining a rack of clothes
behind her.
Ingrid is holding up a dress.
INGRID
Hey, Alice? Versace. You like?
ALISON
I'm good, thanks.
INGRID
Honey, everyone needs to change
their look every now and then.
Especially if they have a new man
in their life.
ALISON
(EMBARRASSED)
What are you talking about?
104 CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROOM 104
Sidney is just about to enter the room.
INGRID (O.S.)
Well, that English guy is always
hanging around you these days,
right?
Sidney freezes, listening.
105 BREAK ROOM 105
Alison blushes fiercely.
ANNA
(LAUGHING)
Tell me it isn't so.
ALISON
(ANNOYED)
Of course not.
ANNA
Thank God. Can you imagine? He's
such a creep.
106 CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROOM 106
Sidney listens sadly to the women laughing inside.
93.
107 BREAK ROOM 107
Alison stares at the Fashionistas, annoyed by this.
Oblivious, Anna holds up some trousers against herself.
ANNA
These are gorgeous, but I'm just
too fat.
INGRID
Oh don't be crazy! Alice? Is Anna
fat?
ALISON
(BRIGHT)
Not at all. Why, she's so thin I
could just take her little
spindly body and snap it over my
knee like a dry fucking twig.
ANNA
(AUTOMATICALLY)
Thanks.
ALISON
Oh, and for your information
Sidney Young has got more going
for him than most of the men in
this town.
She gets up to leave, the others gawping after her.
108 CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROOM 108
Sidney gives a slow smile of wonder - she likes him!
Suddenly he realises Alison is about to walk out the door
and catch him listening. Panicking he opens the nearest
door and runs in, falling straight down a short flight of
stairs and out of sight. Alison walks out of the room and
away, oblivious.
109 INT. SIDNEY'S FLAT - EVENING 109
E.C.U - On Sidney, staring at us.
SIDNEY
Hey Alison, I was wondering if
you wanted to...(Beat. Starting
again) Hello there. Listen I was
wondering if you wanted to see a
movie or...a meal...or...(Beat,
starting again.) Alison. You
wanna go on a date?
We see he is staring at his reflection in a mirror. He
slips in a pair of PLASTIC FANGS and smiles toothily.
94.
110 CLUB - MOMENTS LATER 110
The SHARPS HALLOWEEN BALL is in full swing - guests dancing
in fancy dress. Sidney, dressed as Dracula, threads through
the crowd. He spots Alison on the other side of the room,
dressed as CAT WOMAN. He starts to make his way towards
her, a little nervous.
He passes ELEANOR JOHNSON and VINCENT LEPAK. Vincent wears
all black and his shades.
SIDNEY
I like your costume Vincent.
VINCENT
I'm not wearing a costume.
SIDNEY
Oh.
They walk on.
VINCENT
(MUTTERING)
Idiot.
SIDNEY
(MUTTERING)
Wanker.
Sidney continues through the crowd to Alison. He puts his
Dracula TEETH in.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
Haven't we met somewhere before?
ALISON
That's why I don't go there any
more.
They smile, but Alison seems a little nervous.
ALISON (CONT'D)
I've been looking for you
actually. There's, uh, there's
something I need to...
SIDNEY
(Mumbling through his
TEETH)
Me first. Listen I was wondering
if you want to go to the movies
or maybe for a, uh....
ALISON
(INTERRUPTING)
What? I can't understand what
you're saying.
95.
Sidney pulls the plastic fangs out.
SIDNEY
Sorry. I was just saying...
Maddox appears and gives Alison a glass of champagne. He
kisses her.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Back in a minute.
He walks off again. Sidney stares dumbly after him.
ALISON
(EMBARRASSED)
I wanted to tell you. Lawrence
has left his wife. We're going to
be together. Officially.
She watches for Sidney's reaction.
SIDNEY
(DYING)
Well...that's...that's brilliant.
ALISON
Yeah, so...maybe he does care
after all, right?
SIDNEY
Yup.
They stand in an awkward silence, watching the party.
111 INT. WASHROOMS - LATER 111
A dejected Sidney stands washing his hands. Maddox walks in
behind him.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Hello Sidney. Someone said you'd
come as a Count but I thought I'd
misheard.
Sidney doesn't answer, turns to leave.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
So Alison told you we were
getting together right?
SIDNEY
(TIGHT)
Yeah.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Yeah. Should have done it long
ago but, you know me - just not
very good at expressing my
emotions. Right?
96.
He watches Sidney's reaction, smirking.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
You must be happy for her, what
with you being friends...
Sidney blushes.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
(LAUGHING)
Oh Sidalee...I thought as much.
Did you really think you and
Alison...? Things really haven't
worked out too well for you here,
have they? Ah, well. You gave it
your best shot.
He walks out. Sidney stares after him, burning.
112 EXT. OUTSIDE CLUB - NIGHT 112
Rain pours down. Eleanor and Vincent climb into a limousine
and close the door. Sidney runs up.
SIDNEY
Wait! Eleanor wait!
The window glides down.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Yes?
SIDNEY
Let me do the profile on Vincent.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(AMUSED)
I don't think so.
The window begins to slide up. Sidney hangs onto it.
SIDNEY
You get full copy approval. It'll
be like you've written it!
The window stops. Eleanor stares at him, considering.
Sidney looks past her to Vincent.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(DETERMINED)
Vincent - think about it, think
how humiliating it will be for
me. I'm begging you.
Vincent leans over, stares over his shades at Sidney.
97.
VINCENT
(Beat, enjoying this)
You don't look like you're
begging.
Beat. Sidney kneels down on the side-walk beside the
limousine. The rain pours down on him. The limousine drives
away. Sidney stares dumbly up at something across the
street.
REVERSE
On the building across the street is an ENORMOUS ANIMATED
BILLBOARD L'OREAL ADVERTISEMENT - SOPHIE MAES, in a gold
ball-gown and make-up, hair coiffured in classic forties
Hollywood style. As we watch she BLOWS US A KISS.
Underneath is the slogan - I'm Here...
113 INT. CLAYTON HARDING'S OFFICE - DAY 113
Sidney sits in front of Clayton.
CLAYTON HARDING
Lawrence Maddox is no longer
working for Sharps. Seems
Elizabeth got sick of him
screwing around and kicked him
out.
SIDNEY
She kicked him out?
CLAYTON HARDING
(IGNORING THIS)
Richard Heywood doesn't seem to
like the idea of employing an ex-
son-in-law. So he's gone. So's
Alison Olsen.
Sidney stares at him.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
Don't worry about Maddox. He's
already lined up something with
Gotham Magazine. I'm gonna need
someone to hold the fort at I
Spy. Strictly on a temporary
basis, you understand? One more
thing. Eleanor Johnson rang this
morning, wondering if you'd like
to write a profile on Vincent
Lepak.
Sidney stares at him.
CLAYTON HARDING (CONT'D)
I don't know how you did it but
somehow you've made it into the
next room.
98.
We hear the opening of Pretty Vacant by the Sex Pistols as
we...
114 MONTAGE 114
115 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 115
As the song continues we see Sidney interviewing Vincent,
complete with shades.
116 INT. STUDIO - DAY 116
Vincent is wearing a crown, being photographed on a throne.
Sidney and Eleanor are watching.
117 INT. ELEANOR'S OFFICE - DAY 117
Eleanor is going through Sidney's copy, crossing lines out
with a red pen. Sidney watches.
118 INT. SHARPS MAGAZINE - OFFICE - DAY 118
Sidney, Eleanor and a Photo-Editor are looking at the
photos from the shoot. Eleanor is pointing out a blemish on
Vincent's face.
119 COMPUTER SCREEN - VINCENT'S FACE IN CLOSE UP 119
...as we watch the blemish disappears.
120 EXT. NEWS STAND - DAY 120
Sidney buys a copy of Sharps and flicks through it until he
finds what he's looking for - a four page feature entitled
Vincent Lepak - Long Live The King.
He stares at his byline at the top of the feature.
120A EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY 120A
An elegant apartment building.
120B INT. APARTMENT - DAY 120B
Sidney is being shown around a chic apartment by a Realtor.
99.
121 INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY 121
Sidney is amongst the room full of writers and editors,
pitching to Clayton who nods approval and passes on to the
next item.
122 INT. CLUB - EVENING 122
Sidney and Eleanor are talking with an ACTOR. Sidney is
wearing a smart suit, fawning in a suitably restrained
manner.
123 INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - DAY 123
Sidney is interviewing the Actor, laughing sycophantically
at something he has just said.
124 INT. OFFICE - DAY 124
Sidney sits at his desk, looking very much the part now in
another expensive suit, talking on the phone. His desk is
crowded with MUFFIN BASKETS. A COURIER is handing over a
GIFT-WRAPPED BOX to him. Sidney opens the box to reveal a
ROLEX SEA-DWELLER 4000 WATCH. Sidney stares at the watch.
125 INT. MOVIE PREMIERE - EVENING 125
Sidney is drinking champagne amongst the Glitterati,
talking to a Producer. Simon Cowell walks past and high-
fives him. Sidney throws back his head, laughing at
something the Producer said.
126 INT. SAUNA - DAY 126
Sidney sits in the steam room, wrapped in a towel,
sweating. Slowly the steam envelops him until he has
disappeared.
END OF MONTAGE
127 INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING 127
CLOSE ON SIDNEY'S PHOTOGRAPH - looking as cool as he can.
Alison sits alone reading Sharps, staring at Sidney's photo
in the "Notes on Contributors" page. She smiles, then
glances up, her smile fading. Maddox is walking towards
her, drunk and sour faced.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
(noticing the magazine)
Well, well...little Sidalee. I
feel like a proud Papa.
(MORE)
100.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
Listen, I can't stay. Anderson
wants me to go to some
photographers exhibition. Hot new
talent blah, blah...
ALISON
Right. (Beat) How hot is she?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Who?
ALISON
The new talent?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Do you think you could drop the
little wife routine? It's kind of
in bad taste.
Alison stares at him sadly
ALISON
I guess you're right.(Quietly)
What goes around comes around.
Maddox is about to say something but changes his mind.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
I'll see you back home.
He is about to leave when he notices Alison's notebook on
the table.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
(IRRITATED)
And will you stop carrying that
thing around with you? It's kind
of embarrassing.
He walks off.
128 INT. BAR - EVENING 128
Sidney is with Eleanor and Sophie, who now looks every inch
the movie star.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Sophie's going to get a Golden
Globe nomination for best
actress.
SIDNEY
Wow. That's fantastic.(Beat)
But...the nominations haven't
been announced yet?
101.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
That is correct so we have
absolutely no way of knowing
whether or not she will be
nominated. (Beat) So, if she is
nominated we want Sharps to do a
feature. Someone to cover the
whole lead up, unrestricted
access, the trajectory, the
building of this unique brand.
SOPHIE MAES
I'm going to have a logo.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Here's the deal. Sophie wants you
to do it.
Sidney stares at her and then at Sophie, stunned.
SOPHIE MAES
(PLEASANTLY)
You can be my bitch.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
Merry Christmas, Sidney. This is
a cover story. I think a little
celebration is in order.
129 EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCLE CLUB - NIGHT 129
Snow falls. Sidney climbs out of a limousine with Eleanor
and Sophie.
The women breeze past the Doorman and into the club. Sidney
hesitates on the thresh-hold, staring up at the sign above
him as if it's a magic portal.
Sidney walks in.
130 INT. CIRCLE CLUB - LATER 130
A surprisingly small, ultra A-list club, chic and ironic
Christmas decorations.
Sidney walks past celebrities and beautiful people. He's
arrived.
131 INT. CIRCLE CLUB - NIGHT 131
Sidney stands with Kevin Bacon playing Six Degrees of Kevin
Bacon. People stand around watching.
KEVIN BACON
Okay, uh...Clark Gable. Go!
102.
SIDNEY
Clark Gable to Vivien Leigh (Gone
With The Wind), Vivien Leigh to
Marlon Brando (Street Car Named
Desire), Marlon Brando to Robert
DeNiro (The Score) Robert De Niro
to Kevin Bacon (Sleepers)!
The crowd cheers.
131A INT. CIRCLE CLUB - POWDER ROOM 131A
A very drunk Sidney stands in a toilet cubicle with a YOUNG
ACTRESS doing coke.
ACTRESS
Sexiest philosopher?
SIDNEY
Uh, tricky, but I'm gonna say
Nietzsche. Huge moustache. The
Tom Selleck of Nihilism.
ACTRESS
Um...most evil philosopher.
SIDNEY
Okay. Good. Evil genius
philosopher...Hobbes, proto-Nazi,
Heidegger - actual Nazi, Hegel -
twat. Basically your H's...
ACTRESS
Most Hollywood philosopher?
SIDNEY
Uh...Bishop Berkely.
ACTRESS
What'd he say?
SIDNEY
Esse est percipi.
FIRST ACTRESS
What does that mean?
SIDNEY
If they `aint looking at you, you
don't really exist.
ACTRESS
(WEARILY)
Oh honey, tell me something I
don't know...
Sidney stoops and snorts a line of coke.
103.
132 CIRCLE BAR - NIGHT 132
Sidney, giddy on champagne, coke and success is dancing
with Sophie. He's at the centre of the world.
133 INT. SIDNEY'S APARTMENT - MORNING 133
The doorbell rings. Sidney wearing a silk dressing gown
wanders through the room from the bedroom and opens the
door.
Alison stands outside, smiling at him.
ALISON
Hey.
SIDNEY
(THROWN)
Hey.
ALISON
Nice robe.
SIDNEY
Thanks. It was a gift. Ralph
Lauren.
ALISON
Who from?
SIDNEY
Ralph Lauren. I did a piece.
Beat. He still hasn't invited her in.
ALISON
I just wanted to say I heard
about you getting the promotion.
Congratulations. I'm happy for
you.
SIDNEY
Thanks. How's things with you
and...
ALISON
(QUICKLY)
Good. Fine. Everything's
...uh...I'm working for this
little literary magazine. It's
not the New Yorker but...
(awkward) So, I've left you a
bunch of messages...
SIDNEY
Yeah. I've been pretty busy.
104.
ALISON
I thought so.
Alison stands awkwardly for a moment, smiling, then turns
to go.
ALISON (CONT'D)
Okay, well...
SIDNEY
(QUICKLY)
How's the novel coming along?
ALISON
(LAUGHING)
Oh, well...still working on it.
SIDNEY
Well...keep at it. I believe in
you.
Alison smiles, touched.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I never gave you these.
He takes some papers from a shelf and hands them to her.
Alison looks at them - the are titled "Notes On Alison's
Novel." There's a LOT OF THEM. She laughs.
ALISON
You know...
WOMAN'S VOICE
Sidney?
Alison looks past Sidney to the bedroom door where INGRID
the Fashionista stands in her underwear.
INGRID
(a little wave)
Hey, Alice.
Sidney looks at her and back at Alison. He gives a little
laugh.
SIDNEY
(half joking, half
MEANING IT)
How did it all go so wrong?
Alison smiles, gives a little wave and walks away - before
he can see how upset she is.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
105.
134 EXT. LA - BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL - DAY 134
Sophie and her entourage, including Sidney and Eleanor,
climb out of a line of limousines and walk into the Hotel.
Sidney stands for a moment, looking around him. Hollywood.
He's finally here.
We hear the opening of Virgina Plain by Roxy Music.
135 EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL - NIGHT 135
We are swooping in towards the hotel and an enormous
BILLBOARD ADVERTISEMENT for Sophie's new film - in pre-
production. It's a re-make of Singing In The Rain - with
Russel Crowe.
We BOOM down from Sophie's fifteen foot laughing face to
find Sidney standing on a slim ledge outside his hotel
window. He is drunk and wearing only his underwear. He is
also yelling with fear.
The window behind him is crowded with people shrieking with
laughter.
Gingerly he edges back to the window and climbs back
into...
136 HOTEL SUITE 136
It's a wild party. Music is blaring, people are dancing,
drinking, laughing.
SOPHIE MAES
You didn't do it!
SIDNEY
High.
SOPHIE MAES
You let me down!
SIDNEY
Too high! You couldn't do it. Too
high.
Sophie calmly unzips her dress and steps out of it,
standing in her underwear. There is applause from the on-
lookers. Calmly she steps out of the window onto the ledge
and disappears from sight.
The on-lookers crane out of the window, yelling
encouragement.
After a moment Sophie appears at another window further
along the wall and climbs back into the room to ecstatic
applause. She stares imperiously at Sidney.
106.
SOPHIE MAES
What are you?
SIDNEY
Your limpy pig.
SOPHIE MAES
What?
SIDNEY
I'm your limpy pig!
SOPHIE MAES
That's right! Okay, limpy pig.
You need to pay a forfeit.
Whatcha got?
SIDNEY
I've got my little limpy dance.
Sidney dances a little, jiggling up and down.
SOPHIE MAES
(SUDDENLY)
Give me your ring.
Sidney stops dancing, his smile fading a little.
SIDNEY
I...I can't...
SOPHIE MAES
Give me the ring. I want it.
SIDNEY
I can't.
Sophie stares at him through narrowed eyes.
SOPHIE MAES
Okay, give me the ring and if I
win tomorrow, I'll let you have
sex with me.
The on-lookers shriek with delight.
Sidney stares at her. He looks past her to his reflection
in the window - a drunk man in his underwear, swaying from
side to side...
137 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 137
Sidney is back in his own room, alone, a mess. He sits on
the floor chopping lines of coke on the coffee table. He
stares groggily at the space on his finger where his ring
used to be.
107.
SIDNEY
(muttering to himself)
You're a star. You're a big,
bright shining star...
He snorts a line and, leaning back, flicks blankly through
TV channels - a sports programme, a news station, a sit-com
re-run...
He snorts another line, flicks stations - more sports, a
music video, a black and white movie...
Sidney stops, staring at the screen...
TV SCREEN - we're watching the fifties British movie we saw
at the beginning of the film. Sidney's MOTHER is typing at
the desk in the background. She gets up from the desk and
walks into another office.
Sidney stares, frozen.
Sidney's mother passes the LEAD ACTRESS who is staring out
of the window, smoking. She stares at her sympathetically.
SIDNEY'S MOTHER
(Celia Johnson accent)
Don't worry Mary...you'll meet
him one day.
LEAD ACTRESS
(SMILING SADLY)
How will I know when I do?
SIDNEY'S MOTHER
Oh, when you meet the One, you'll
know...
She walks on.
Sidney stares at the screen.
138 EXT. BEVERLY HILTON - EVENING 138
A conveyor belt of limousines arriving outside the Hilton.
Rain falls. Celebrities wave to the watching crowds as they
make their way up the red carpet, cameras flash...
Sophie emerges from a limo, looking amazing. SHE IS WEARING
A FUR WRAP. She makes her way up the carpet, Sidney walks
behind, smiling vaguely...
139 INT. BEVERLY HILTON - EVENING 139
Various celebrities are being interviewed. Sidney stands a
little apart, lost in thought.
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Well, well... Look at you...
108.
Lawrence Maddox stands beside him, something nervous in his
manner now, the old confidence gone. He has been drinking.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
Made it all the way to the
Seventh Room.
He holds out his hand.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
Congratulations. The wheel of
fortune right? You go up, I go
down. You're here with Sophie?
How about doing your old Rabbi a
favour and putting in a good word
for me? Maybe a little interview?
Sidney absent-mindedly takes his hand, looking past him.
SIDNEY
Is Alison here?
LAWRENCE MADDOX
Alison? No, we went our separate
ways. Actually she left me. Tells
me she's in love with someone
else.
Sidney stares at him.
LAWRENCE MADDOX (CONT'D)
Nope, not you I'm afraid Sidalee.
She threw us both over. Some guy
named Clark. I mean...Clark. Can
you believe it? But these are the
sacrifices we make, right? I
don't need to tell you. It's not
a vacation. It's a vocation. So
listen, about Sophie...
But Sidney is no longer listening.
140 INT. GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS - EVENING 140
SLOW MOTION - we move in on Sidney, sitting at the table,
listening to the Best Actress award. This is where we first
met him.
SIDNEY (V.O.)
This is me at the Golden Globes.
That's my Armani tuxedo. That's a
Rolex Sea-Dweller 4000 watch I'm
wearing. I'm inside. I'm at the
centre of everything. I'm right
where I wanted to be.
Beside him Sophie covers her face with her hands and starts
to stand, having just won Best Actress.
109.
Sidney stares at her hands - she is wearing his gold ring.
We move back into real time, sound swells up, thunderous
applause. Sidney claps along with the others.
Then he stands up and goes after Sophie.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
(taking her arm)
I need my ring back.
Sophie turns back to him, her smile fixed.
SIDNEY (CONT'D)
I need my ring back.
As if puzzled by her inability to make it to the stage,
Sophie, still smiling, tries to pull her arm free. Eleanor
is instantly beside them, trying to disengage Sidney's
hand.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
(smiling, hissing)
What are you doing? Let her go!
SIDNEY
She isn't the One. My mother gave
me that ring and told me I had to
give it to the One. She isn't the
One.
The applause is still going strong. TV Cameras move in on
Sophie as she starts to struggle, her smile slipping.
Sidney tries to pull the ring free from her finger.
Officials move in.
ELEANOR JOHNSON
What the fuck are you doing?
SIDNEY
(YANKING)
Just...Will you...I don't want to
be on the inside. I don't want to
be at the Party. I don't want to
have have sex with you. (Beat) I
KILLED CUBA!
Sophie stares at him for a moment then with a shriek
launches herself at him. They tumble backwards.
The Officials rush upon them. There are gasps from the
other tables, people standing up to see what's going on.
141 INT. MRS KOWALSKI'S FLAT - CONTINUOUS 141
Mrs Kowalski sits watching the pandemonium on TV.
110.
SOPHIE MAES (O.S.)
(on the TV)
You fucking mother-fucking
fucker!
MRS KOWLASKI
(GRIMLY)
Soddom and Gomarrah.
142 INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 142
The Sharps Fashionistas are gathered watching the awards on
TV in silent horror.
ON TV
Sophie kicks out at Sidney, ripping her dress in the
process.
INGRID
Oh God no...not the Versace...
Security pile on Sidney...
143 INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS 143
Richard Young sits watching the awards on TV. He gives a
small smile.
144 INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS 144
Alison sits watching on a TV in the corner of the bar.
ELEANOR JOHNSON (O.S.)
(On TV - losing it)
You're finished! You're finished!
Alison begins to smile.
145 INT. GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS - CONTINUOUS 145
Sidney bursts free from the scrum of Security and begins to
run across the room, overturning a table in the process,
Officials racing after him.
Sidney sprints for the doors. He notices Vincent Lepak's
startled face as he passes it. He stops, ducks back and
slaps the back of Vincent's head, knocking the SHADES onto
the floor. Sidney stamps on them and runs on. Vincent gapes
after him.
111.
146 ANGLE ON CLAYTON HARDING 146
...watching from his table as the people around him stand
up to see the chase. He shakes his head in horror and then
tries, and fails, to restrain a sudden bark of laughter...
147 EXT. BEVERLY HILTON - NIGHT 147
Sidney bursts out of the hotel onto the red carpet and is
momentarily stopped by the sight of the massed PAPARAZZI
ahead, behind the red rope. The Paparazzi stare back at
Sidney - his face bruised, shirt collar ripped - equally
nonplussed. There is a frozen moment then Sidney plunges
forward, ducking under the red rope, back amongst his own
kind, pushing through them until he disappears amongst the
crowd.
148 INT. LA AIRPORT - TICKET DESK - NIGHT 148
Sidney stands at the desk.
TICKET CLERK
The next available flight is ten
am sir. Gets you into New York
six thirty PM.
Sidney sighs.
149 INT. LA AIRPORT - NIGHT 149
Sidney sits in the almost deserted terminal waiting for the
flight back to New York. He is still wearing his
dishevelled tux. He looks down at his tightly clenched hand
and slowly opens his fingers to reveal his RING.
150 EXT. NEW YORK - NIGHT 150
Sidney is in a cab, still wearing his tux, his travel bag
slung over shoulder. He stares out as the cab passes the
entrance to a PARK. A sign advertises an outdoor screening
of La Dolce Vita.
SIDNEY
Stop the car!
151 EXT. NEW YORK PARK - EVENING 151
An outdoor CINEMA has been set up. LA DOLCE VITA is playing
on a large screen. A crowd sits around the park, watching
the movie.
Sidney stands scanning the crowd. He locates Alison sitting
near the back.
112.
She is holding her notebook, watching the movie. Beside her
is the remains of a picnic, with lit candles.
Sidney smiles and starts towards her, then stops. She is
sitting next to a MAN. As Sidney watches she rests her head
on his shoulder.
Sidney watches, numb, then turns to walk away...
BOB stands in front of him in full drag, waving
frantically. He starts to run towards Sidney, who sighs and
closes his eyes - as if things weren't bad enough.
Then Bob runs straight past him. Sidney turns to see the
Man next to Alison standing up to embrace Bob. The two
kiss.
ON THE GRASS
Alison watches Bob and her friend embrace with a touch of
sadness. Suddenly she realises someone is standing beside
her. She looks up and sees Sidney.
She stares at him. Long Beat.
Sidney holds out his hand.
Alison hesitates and then takes his hand and stands up.
SIDNEY
How's the novel?
ALISON
Finished.
Sidney smiles. He takes the notebook from her and tosses it
back onto the picnic blanket. Then he kisses her. As he
does so he takes the RING and slips it into Alison's coat
pocket.
Then they begin to dance, cha-cha-chaaing happily at the
back of the park, as the music swells, lit by the
flickering light from the screen.
Suddenly Sidney freezes, staring over Alison's shoulder to
where we can see he has accidentally thrown her NOTEBOOK
onto a lit candle.
It is now ON FIRE.
Sidney shoves Alison aside and dives for the book...
CUT TO BLACK:
| How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Writers : Peter Straughan
Genres : Comedy Romance
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