QUIZ LADY
Written by
Jen D'Angelo
ii.
Our fictional game show is called Can't Stop the Quiz. The
gameplay will become evident throughout the film, but just to
explain it up top for clarity:
Can't Stop the Quiz (aka CSQ) is a nightly game show that airs
live Monday-Friday at 7pm. It's been on since 1985, and hosted by
Terry McTeer for the entirety of its run. Here's how it works:
Round 1: "The Blitz" - three contestants (one of whom is the
returning champion) compete in a rapid-fire trivia blitz. Terry
asks questions, they buzz in to answer. They go through as many
questions as they can in five minutes. The prize money gets higher
every ten questions, so for the first ten questions are worth
$100, second ten are worth $200, etc.
The top two scoring players advance to:
Round 2: "The Head to Head" - the two contestants face off against
each other. Players take turns selecting a category for the other
player. They are given a sub-category, and thirty seconds to list
as many things in that sub-category as they can. (For example, the
category is "Geography" and the sub-category is "Countries with
Green In Their Flag"). Answers are worth $500. If a player lists
all possible answers and still has time remaining, they get a
bonus of $1000/second left on the clock.
Round 3: "The Coin Flip" - the players flip a giant coin to
determine if the Final Round will be "SAY IT!", where contestants
must say the answer, or "SHOW IT!", where the contestants bring a
partner on stage and must act out the answers while their partner
guesses.
1 1
INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON: An OLD, BULKY TV SET. TERRY MCTEER (warm,
approachable, wearing a suit and bow tie) is on screen.
TERRY
It's seven o'clock on a weeknight,
which can only mean one thing. It's
time for Can't Stop the Quiz.
YOUNG ANNE (6), a classic nerd, sits on the floor in front of
the TV, completely rapt.
CHYRON: 1996
ON TV: The CAN'T STOP THE QUIZ THEME SONG plays as a CHEESY
ANIMATED BRAIN dances across the screen.
Anne bops her head to the beat, dancing along with the brain.
TERRY (CONT'D)
I'm your host Terry McTeer. Let's
meet today's contestants.
YOUNG JENNY (16, cool, stylish) walks into the living room,
talking on the phone. She plops down on the couch.
YOUNG JENNY
Oh my god! You made out with David
Zelman??? Ashley is gonna kill you!
*
Anne, annoyed, tries to tune out Jenny and focus on the TV.
TERRY
May I have five minutes on the
clock please?
The Brain places a countdown clock onscreen.
TERRY (CONT'D)
And your time. Starts. Now!
(reading quickly)
What is the lightest element on the
periodic table?
A contestant, DENISE, buzzes in.
DENISE
Hydrogen.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 2.
TERRY
Correct. What is the deepest
freshwater lake in the world?
Anne's focus is interrupted by yelling from upstairs --
THEIR DAD (O.S.)
You lost six hundred dollars?!
Their dad starts angrily yelling in KOREAN.
THEIR MOM (O.S.)
Stop with the Korean! How would you
like it if I yelled in Chinese?!
She starts yelling in CANTONESE. It's a multilingual
cacophony. Jenny eyes Anne, feeling bad for her. She turns up
the volume on the TV, without pausing her conversation:
YOUNG JENNY
No they're still hooking up! They
went to third base YESTERDAY!
Their dad storms down the stairs, on a tear.
THEIR DAD
(in Korean)
I can't do this! You ruin
everything! I won't let you drag me
down anymore!
He storms out, slamming the door behind him. Jenny stares at
the door, dumbfounded. A heavy beat. Then:
YOUNG JENNY
Mom! Dad just said a bunch of stuff
in Korean and left!
Anne, desperate to escape, stays focused on the TV. We hear a
GAME SHOW SOUND CUE and CUT TO:
2 2
INT. SAME LIVING ROOM - THREE YEARS LATER - NIGHT
9-YEAR-OLD ANNE watches CSQ. Terry is on screen, wearing a
different bowtie, but otherwise looking mostly the same.
THREE DIFFERENT CONTESTANTS at the podiums.
TERRY
And that's the end of The Blitz!
Wow you guys are smart!
(MORE)
3.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Carl, I can't believe you knew the
name of that comet. That was
incredible! You almost knocked my
bowtie off. But luckily it's tied
on tight. With a shoelace knot.
Little extra learning for you.
Terry wiggles his bowtie.
TERRY (CONT'D)
When we return, Michael and Carl
will compete in the Head to Head!
Don't go anywhere. I know I won't.
Anne happily mouths along with Terry -- "I know I won't." As
the TV switches to an AGGRESSIVELY 1999 COMMERCIAL --
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY enters, carrying a bowl of noodles and an
egg, followed by their mom, CRYSTAL. As Crystal talks, Jenny
puts the bowl in front of Anne.
CRYSTAL
Your cousin Jin just got into
Harvard medical school! And you're
dropping out?! It's bad enough you
go to community college --
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY
Where else was I supposed to go?!
There's no money!
Jenny is distracted by yelling at Crystal, and cracks the egg
not over the bowl of noodles. Anne moves the bowl to catch
the egg while Jenny and Crystal continue to argue --
CRYSTAL
You should have been smarter and
gotten a scholarship! But no,
you're too stupid!
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY
I don't need school! I'm going to
be an ACTRESS!!!
Anne flinches at the yelling. She takes her bowl of noodles
and scoots a little closer to the TV.
CRYSTAL
You can't make money as an actress!
Blue (05/18/2022) 4.
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY
Tell that to Julia Roberts!!! And
it's not about the money! This is
my dream! This is my destiny!
CRSYTAL
Destiny. Bah.
She dismissively waves it off and goes for the door.
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY
Did you just "bah" my destiny?!?!
CRYSTAL
You're making me crazy. I'm going
to the casino.
19-YEAR-OLD JENNY
Oh great. Have fun LOSING ALL OUR
MONEY!
Crystal storms out. Jenny runs upstairs. Anne focuses back on
the TV. We hear a GAME SHOW SOUND CUE and CUT TO:
3 3
INT. SAME LIVING ROOM - THREE YEARS LATER - NIGHT
The house is quiet and still, Can't Stop the Quiz on TV. 12-
YEAR-OLD ANNE is on the couch. Terry is on screen, wearing a
different bowtie, otherwise looking more or less the same.
TERRY
Danton, which category will you
choose for AJ?
Danton looks at a screen of categories.
DANTON
Hmm. How about Geography?
TERRY
Geography! AJ, you will have to
list for us...
(it appears on screen)
Countries on the Equator! Ooh,
that's a tough one. Your time
starts now!
22-YEAR-OLD JENNY runs into the living room, SO excited.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 5.
22-YEAR-OLD JENNY
I made it to the final round of
auditions for The Real World!!!!! I
have to go to LA tomorrow to meet
with the producers!!! AHHH!!!
12-YEAR-OLD ANNE
But what about your puppy?
She gestures to the corner, where a little pen is set up, and
an unbelievably adorable FAWN PUG PUPPY sits.
22-YEAR-OLD JENNY
Oh yeah. Can you take care of Mr.
Linguini?
(off Anne's look)
Annie, seriously, it'll be good for
you. You could use a friend. And
it's just until I get back!
Jenny runs upstairs. Anne looks at the adorable puppy, not
thrilled about dogs in general. A CSQ SOUND CUE cuts to:
4 4
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - PRESENT DAY - NIGHT
ANNE (30s, risk-adverse introvert) sits on her couch, with a
now ancient Mr. Linguini curled up next to her. CSQ is on TV.
Terry, now with white hair, but otherwise mostly the same,
except for - as always - a different bow tie, is on screen:
TERRY
What an incredible game! I learned
so much. I had no idea pineapple is
a berry. That blows my mind.
(to camera)
Join us tomorrow for another night
of fast facts and live learning!
I'm Terry McTeer and I'll be right--
He jumps to his center mark where he begins every show.
TERRY (CONT'D)
-- here. Have a good night!
Terry does a little salute. Anne does it back to him. She
looks completely content, comforted by her favorite show.
TITLES
6.
5 5
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - PRESENT DAY
Anne sits at her desk in a very drab, very safe office.
Anne inputs data into a massive spreadsheet. She's in the
zone, eyes darting between two computer monitors, fingers
flying over the keys.
An ALARM goes off on her phone. She checks it. It's a
reminder: Time to walk around the office so you don't get
blood clots and die. Anne gets up.
6 6
INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - DAY
Anne makes a cup of tea at the water cooler area. Two co-
workers, TRAV (slightly douchey), and MARGE (unintentionally
rude) walk up.
TRAV
Oh shit does this mean there's
gonna be birthday cake later?
MARGE
(disappointed)
No, she asked for pie.
TRAV
(way too mad)
Fuck!
Trav turns, sees Anne by the water cooler, and JUMPS.
TRAV (CONT'D)
JESUS! You snuck up on me!
Anne looks confused. She's just been standing there.
7 7
INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - LATER
Anne scans documents at the copy machine. Trav and other co-
workers are gathered around CINDY as Marge brings over a pie
with candles in it. Anne watches the party from afar.
8 8
EXT. ANNE AND FRANCINE'S DUPLEX- DAY
Anne pulls into the driveway of a duplex. As she gets out of
her gray Toyota Corrolla, FRANCINE (older, grumpy) shuffles
out from her front door.
7.
FRANCINE
Anne! The ups man has done it
again. He left one of your packages
in front of my door.
Francine points to an Amazon box on her doorstep. Anne grabs
the box and struggles to lift it. It's cumbersome.
ANNE
Sorry about that, Francine.
FRANCINE
If I haven't ordered a package,
then I'm not expecting one to be on
my doorstep. Are you listening?
ANNE
I am, but I'm in a hurry --
FRANCINE
What happens if I leave the house
and there's an unexpected package
on my doorstep? I trip and I fall
and I die. That's what happens.
(dead serious)
The ups man is trying to kill me.
ANNE
U.P.S.
FRANCINE
Huh?
ANNE
It's U.P.S. Not ups.
FRANCINE
Well whoever it is.
Anne goes inside.
9 9
INT. ANNE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Anne walks in. Her place is bland and functional. The only
personal effects are books, and there are lots of them.
Mr. Linguini is asleep on the couch, snoring so loudly.
ANNE
Hi Mr. Linguini!
Yellow (05/27/2022) 8.
He barely moves. She opens the Amazon box and pulls out a
TABLET HOLDER. It's a weird tray type thing that holds up a
tablet so you can read in bed. She shows it to Mr. Linguini.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Look! It's so you don't have to
keep your arms up when you're
reading while lying down!
Anne looks at the product box -- there's a picture of a
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN SILK PAJAMAS looking incredible and cool
as she lays in bed having so much fun reading.
CUT TO:
10 10
INT. ANNE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER - NIGHT
Anne lays on her couch, weirdly stiff, underneath the tablet
holder, reading. It looks uncomfortable and not at all as
much fun as the woman on the box was having.
Mr. Linguini sleeps nearby, snoring louder than you ever
thought possible. An ALARM goes off on Anne's phone. Anne
jumps up, so excited. She turns on the TV, just in time for:
TERRY
It's seven o'clock on a weeknight,
which can only mean one thing. It's
time for Can't Stop the Quiz!
ON SCREEN: A CGI BRAIN, who somehow looks a little ruder than
previous versions, dances across the screen.
ANNE
Linguini! It's on!
Mr Linguini hobbles over, climbs up on the couch, and curls
up next to her. Anne grabs a bag of Smartfood popcorn and
happily settles in for her favorite show.
TERRY (ON TV)
I'm your host, Terry McTeer. Let's
meet today's contestants! Starting
with our returning champion, Ron
Heacock from Ohio.
RON HEACOCK -- gleaming white teeth, oozing confidence --
grins at the camera. This guy is a ham. Anne shakes her head.
She HATES Ron Heacock.
Pink (05/25/2022) 9.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Ron, you must be getting pretty
comfortable here. You're now the
third longest running champion.
Congratulations, that's quite an
achievement.
RON HEACOCK
Honestly I'm just glad to be here,
Terry. I'm such a huge fan.
He smiles, so charming. But Anne is disgusted.
ANNE
Give me a break. Please let this be
the day he finally loses.
CUT TO:
11 11
INT. ANNE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Anne glowers at the TV. Ron and ANOTHER CONTESTANT (Linda)
are on stage with Terry. The audience is applauding.
TERRY
Ron, your winning streak continues!
RON HEACOCK
Linda! You did so great, I wish we
could both win. How `bout it,
Terry? Can there be two winners?
Ron puts an arm around LINDA, an incredibly meek woman who
really has no business being on television at all.
TERRY
Unfortunately no. Ron, tonight
you've won a very impressive sum of
76,000 dollars!
The audience cheers. Ron smiles and humbly waves it off.
RON HEACOCK
Aw, thanks. But I just got lucky
with those second-round bonuses.
TERRY
Join us tomorrow for another night
of fast facts and live learning!
I'm Terry McTeer and I'll be right--
(MORE)
Yellow (05/27/2022) 10.
TERRY (CONT'D)
(jumps to his mark)
-- here. Have a good night!
Terry does his salute. Ron, grinning big, does it too. Anne
glowers at the TV, hating Ron.
12 12
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - NEXT MORNING
Anne inputs data into a spreadsheet. Trav and Marge are
having a loud conversation right outside her cubicle.
TRAV
No the computer makes the money!
MARGE
I'm still confused. Start over.
Anne's CELL PHONE RINGS. She sees it's from SUNNYVALE NURSING
HOME. She hesitates, but finally answers.
ANNE
Hi Mom.
SHANNON (O.S.)
Hi! This is Shannon from Sunnyvale.
Anne's face falls. This can't be good.
13 13
INT. SUNNYVALE NURSING HOME - LOBBY - INTERCUT
SHANNON (30s, a nurse with nervous energy) is on the phone.
SHANNON
I'm calling with some bad news. We
lost your mom.
(then, realizing)
Oh my gosh sorry that's horrible
phrasing, I meant we don't know
where she is.
Anne tries to process this emotional whiplash.
SHANNON (CONT'D)
Sorry about that! Yeah, she's not
dead. But she is missing.
ANNE
Did you call Rivers Casino? Or
Wheeling Island?
Yellow (05/27/2022) 11.
SHANNON
We checked all her usual spots.
That's actually what we wanted to
discuss with you. Can you come in?
Off Anne, worried what this is about...
14 14
INT. SUNNYVALE NURSING HOME - LOBBY - DAY
A moderately nice nursing home. Anne enters through glass
automatic sliding doors. Shannon and MR. WALTERS (50s, too
serious) are at the front desk. In the BG: SOME SENIORS sit
around a table, batting a balloon around.
MR. WALTERS
Ms. Yum, thank you for coming in.
ANNE
What is this about?
MR. WALTERS
Would you like to wait for your
sister? She'll be here momentarily.
ANNE
My sister? You called Jenny?
SHANNON
Well, when we lose someone, we kind
of have to call everybody?
MR. WALTERS
We didn't lose her. She ran away.
ANNE
It's okay, she does this sometimes--
MR. WALTERS
Ms. Yum, we've been very lenient
with your mother, but enough is
enough. Due to the sheer number of
rule violations, we can no longer
keep her as a resident.
As they talk, we see, behind Anne, through a WALL OF GLASS
DOORS AND WINDOWS, in DEEP BG, JENNY (now 40s, messy, a human
tornado) running through the parking lot. She's wearing a
TIGHT BLACK DRESS, which makes running difficult.
12.
ANNE
Wait... you're kicking her out? Can
you even do that?
Jenny -- running across the parking lot without looking -- is
lightly hit by a car pulling out of a parking spot. She
FREAKS OUT, like an NBA Player reacting to a bad call.
MR. WALTERS
In signing the resident agreement,
she agreed to adhere to our
policies, and that failure to do so
would result in eviction. It's
clearly stated in section 4V--
Jenny is now WAILING, leaning on the car. The DRIVER gets
out, concerned and apologetic. Jenny animatedly screams at
him, kicks the car and keeps running towards us.
MR. WALTERS (CONT'D)
Sneaking out is a very serious
violation. We can't be liable for
her safety.
Jenny gets to a SIDE DOOR, very close to the main door. But
this is a LOCKED GLASS DOOR. She pulls on it. It won't open.
She pulls harder. Nothing. She goes nuts trying to pull it.
SHANNON
She's also really mean. That's less
important but it's not nothing.
Mr. Walters notices Jenny outside.
MR. WALTERS
I think your sister's here.
Anne turns -- Jenny sits, crying, by the locked door, having
just completely given up. Anne rolls her eyes, annoyed.
ANNE
Jenny! Jenny!
She gets Jenny's attention through the glass door. Jenny sees
her and mouths: "Anne! How did you get in there??"
ANNE (CONT'D)
Through the entrance.
Blue (05/18/2022) 13.
Anne points to the automatic sliding doors, which are truly
SO close to the side door. Jenny looks at the doors, so
indignant. She mouths: "There should be a sign!"
ANNE (CONT'D)
There IS a sign-- just, come in!
Jenny comes in. She unsuccessfully tries to pull it together.
JENNY
Oh, Annie. Annie, Annie, Annie. It
finally happened. But don't worry.
I'm here.
Anne looks at her sexy black body-con dress.
ANNE
What are you wearing?
JENNY
It's the only black thing I own.
(crying)
I can't believe she's gone. We're
orphans.
Jenny sobs and hugs Anne. Shannon winces. This is her fault.
ANNE
She's not dead. She ran away.
Jenny looks at her for a moment, stunned, but then--
JENNY
That fucking bitch.
AN ORDERLY walks up, with a suitcase and some boxes.
SHANNON
We took the liberty of packing up
your mother's belongings for you.
ANNE
(sarcastic)
Thanks. What a pleasant eviction.
SHANNON
(genuine)
Oh I'm so glad.
One of the orderlies hands Shannon a note. As she reads it --
Yellow (05/27/2022) 14.
JENNY
Eviction?
SHANNON
Good news! Looks like your mom left
a note. It's mostly personal
attacks on me, but she said she's
off to Macao with Jeff. At least
now we know where she went!
Anne and Jenny stare at Shannon, so confused.
ANNE
Who is Jeff?!
15 15
EXT. SUNNYVALE NURSING HOME - DAY
Anne and Jenny walk out, saddled with Crystal's stuff. Jenny
has a FRAMED PHOTO of Crystal and JEFF (70s). They're wearing
matching Christmas sweaters. The car that hit Jenny in the
previous scene is still there.
JENNY
She has a boyfriend? Why didn't she
tell us?
ANNE
Because she only calls when she
needs money.
Anne unlocks her car.
JENNY
Oh you're parked right by me!
Jenny nods to her car, which is dirty and busted. It's filled
with clothes and random shit.
ANNE
Are you living out of your car?
JENNY
No! It's just extra clothes in case
I need to change. And some stuff
I've been meaning to donate. And an
amazing lamp I found in an alley.
And some blankets and pillows in
case I want to nap.
Anne finishes loading Crystal's stuff and closes her trunk.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 15.
ANNE
Sorry you drove down for no reason.
JENNY
Actually -- I thought maybe I
could stay with you for a few days.
ANNE
Why?
JENNY
Well I thought I was going to,
since Mom was dead. Come on, it'll
be fun. And I want to see my dog.
ANNE
Your dog?
JENNY
I'm the one who adopted him,
remember?
ANNE
You bought him from a van in a
Smart and Final parking lot.
JENNY
Can I stay with you or not?
Off Anne, reluctant but feeling obliged...
16 16
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - DAY
Jenny and Anne walk in, carrying Crystal's stuff and Jenny's
stuff. Jenny takes in the space.
JENNY
What did you do to your house?
ANNE
Nothing. It's the same as the last
time you were here.
JENNY
Ugh, that was the worst Christmas.
Remember how Mom freaked out
because you didn't have a tree?
Since when did she even like those?
16.
Jenny looks around. She spots a PHOTO of 8 YEAR OLD ANNE
sitting at the dining table of their Uncle's house, a ROCK
COLLECTION spread out in front of her. She's uncomfortably,
barely smiling for the camera. 18 YEAR OLD JENNY is in the
background, laughing with a TEEN COUSIN.
JENNY (CONT'D)
It feels smaller. Are you sure you
didn't make it smaller?
ANNE
No, I didn't shrink my house.
Jenny follows Anne further into the living room. Jenny sees
Mr. Linguini, motionless on the floor. She SCREAMS.
JENNY
Oh my god, he's dead!
ANNE
He's sleeping.
JENNY
Look at him! He's dead!
ANNE
No he isn't. Mr. Linguini! Hey! Mr.
Linguini!
Mr. Linguini, who does look super dead, doesn't move. But
after a beat, he lets out an INCREDIBLY LOUD SNORE.
ANNE (CONT'D)
See? Full of life.
Jenny still doesn't buy it.
17 17
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Anne fills up a kettle. We see Jenny in the living room,
making herself at home. She hoists her suitcase onto the
couch and opens it, stuff exploding everywhere.
ANNE
So how long do you plan on staying?
JENNY
I dunno. Few days?
17.
ANNE
You don't have to get back for work
or anything?
JENNY
No, I don't have a job.
Anne waits, expecting more of an explanation. But Jenny
doesn't seem to think it warrants one. Jenny pulls SLIPPERS
out from the bottom of her suitcase and puts them on.
ANNE
Are you... looking for a job?
JENNY
No. I'm focusing all my energy on
manifesting the life that I want. A
job is just a detail. I'm big
picture thinking.
ANNE
But what are you going to do for
money? I can't afford to loan you
any more, Mom's nursing home wasn't
exactly cheap--
JENNY
I don't need money. I'm getting
plenty from my lawsuit.
ANNE
What lawsuit?
JENNY
I didn't tell you? Basically I had
a business lunch at Choochie's with
a guy who wanted to invest in my
fashion line, and I took a bite of
my tilapia filet and there was a
fishbone in it! It got stuck in my
throat, and I almost choked to
death, so I sued them, and they
were like "please don't" and I was
like "sorry, it's happening" and
they were like "fine just take this
money" and I was like "great!"
WHILE JENNY EXPLAINS, we see a QUICK FLASH:
Yellow (05/27/2022) 18.
18 18
INT. CHOOCHIE'S - DAY
Jenny is choking. A SLEAZY BUSINESSMAN tries to give her the
Heimlich but he's not 100% sure he's doing it right.
19 19
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Anne looks at Jenny, not charmed by this story.
ANNE
You sued Choochie's because there
was a fish bone in a fish filet.
JENNY
Fish bones are famously sharp
bones! I could've died! Why can't
you just be happy that I got a
bunch of money from them? Who are
you, Mr. Choochie's?
ANNE
Now why would I be Mr. Choochie's?
JENNY
Cause it's a man's world!
Anne rolls her eyes, so annoyed.
20 20
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - NIGHT
Anne sits on the couch, reading. Jenny is idly pulling a
seemingly endless supply of hair extensions out of her hair.
Anne eyes Jenny's discarded hair pile, annoyed.
ANNE
Don't just leave them there.
JENNY
Ok, Dad.
Jenny looks around at Anne's apartment.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Have you ever considered painting
the walls? I follow Mandy Moore's
best friend's interior designer and
they say Bixton Blue makes a room
bigger.
Pink (05/25/2022) 19.
Anne doesn't even respond. Her ALARM goes off. It's a version
of the Quiz theme song.
JENNY (CONT'D)
What's that?
ANNE
Nothing, it's...
Anne doesn't really want to admit what it is. She turns on
the TV. Terry is on screen, wearing a different bow tie.
JENNY
Oh my god, you have a Quiz alarm?
ANNE
Come on, Mr. Linguini!
Mr. Linguini comes over and curls up next to her.
TERRY (ON TV)
Let's meet today's contestants.
Starting with our returning
champion, Ron Heacock from --
(cough)
-- excuse me! From Ohio.
RON HEACOCK
You okay Terry?
TERRY
Yes. I just ate some crackers
backstage, must've gotten some
crumbs down the wrong pipe. That's
live television for you.
RON HEACOCK
Good. I worry about you, Ter. You
work too hard. You should loosen up
that bowtie sometime. Take a
vacation.
JENNY
Aww.
ANNE
Don't aww him. He's a jerk.
JENNY
But he seems so nice!
Pink (05/25/2022) 20.
ANNE
He's not. It's an act.
JENNY
How can you tell?
ANNE
It's just so forced. It's like he's
trying to be Terry. Everything
about him is fake. Look at the
smears on his buzzer, he wears make-
up on his hands!
JENNY
(shrugs)
Some people have ugly hands.
Anne ignores that, focuses on the TV.
TERRY (ON TV)
And your time. Starts. Now! What is
the square root of 196?
ANNE
14.
She answers it just as Ron Heacock chimes in on screen.
RON HEACOCK (ON TV)
14.
TERRY (ON TV)
Correct! What is the southernmost
capital of the world?
ANNE
Wellington, New Zealand.
Jenny watches as Anne gets every question immediately:
ANNE (CONT'D)
Saffron. Three. The equal sign.
Carbon dioxide. Our American
Cousin. Saturn. The Hobbit.
The montage of Anne rapid-fire answering builds until she's
listing Gods of Mount Olympus for the Head to Head --
21.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, Athena,
Aphrodite, Hermes, Apollo,
Dionysus, Ares, Artemis--
Jenny, so impressed, excitedly kicks Anne.
ANNE (CONT'D)
OW!
JENNY
Why haven't you gone on the show?!
Anne shushes her, still watching the show.
ANNE
(annoyed, retracing)
Zeus, Poseidon, Hera --
JENNY
Are you scared you'd win so much
money that people would try to kill
you for it? You know that's a thing
with lottery winners.
ANNE
No, it's not --
JENNY
Are you scared that your hatred of
that Ron guy is actually an intense
sexual attraction and you wouldn't
know how to navigate it in person?
ANNE
No! I just -- I'm not good at...
being looked at.
Jenny looks confused by that. Anne brushes off the rare
moment of vulnerability, focuses on the game: Ron, Terry, and
A CONTESTANT stand by a COIN THE SIZE OF A DINNER TABLE.
TERRY
It's time for the flip!
ANNE
Ugh, the stupid coin.
JENNY
I love the coin! It's so big!
Yellow (05/27/2022) 22.
The coin spins and then lands on --
TERRY
Show It! Our contestants will act
out the answers while their
partners guess.
Anne turns off the TV.
JENNY
What are you doing? The charades
thing is the only fun part!
ANNE
It's not fun, it's a cheap gimmick.
They changed the entire final round
to try to boost the ratings. Which
is so dumb. Who wants to watch
people embarrass themselves?
Anne goes to the kitchen. Once she's gone --
JENNY
I do.
Jenny turns the TV on. Ron is mid-Show It!, waltzing around
the stage. The clue is onscreen: WALTER KRONKITE. BART, Ron's
partner, who has dead eyes, is methodically guessing.
BART
Waltz. Waltzer. Sidewalk. Concrete.
Waltzer. Concrete. Walter Kronkite.
21 21
INT. LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Jenny, passed out on the couch. Hair extensions still in a
pile where she left them. She still has a City Beauty sheet
mask on. She finds a note from Anne: "Went to work. Be home
around 5. Pick up your hair!!!"
22 22
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER
Jenny shuffles in, peeling off the sheet mask. She opens a
cabinet -- it's pretty bare, just two plates, two bowls, two
glasses, etc., all meticulously in place.
JENNY
It's like a robot's house.
Pink (05/25/2022) 23.
She opens another cabinet, there's just a few boxes of tea.
She opens another, it's FILLED with Smartfood bags.
Jenny notices...
A TERRY MCTEER BOBBLEHEAD. Jenny picks it up to take a closer
look, then puts it down, not in its place, and walks out,
leaving all the cabinet doors open.
23 23
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jenny sits, drinking an iced latte, a plate with crumbs on it
in front of her. She's mid-conversation with WENDY.
JENNY
And I realized I'm tired of chasing
my destiny. Because I've always
known what I want. I want to be
rich and famous and loved by
everybody, so I can be a really
powerful force for good in this
world. But I just haven't found the
path to get there yet. And I've
tried so many paths.
Jenny shakes her head, so tired from all the paths.
JENNY (CONT'D)
It's hard to stay optimistic, you
know? And you start to wonder,
maybe it's me. But then you have to
remind yourself: sometimes things
don't work out for reasons that are
completely out of your control.
It's bad timing or bad luck or
gatekeeping. I mean do you have any
idea how hard it is to be an Asian
woman in this country?
Wendy, who is white, nods. She's been listening and learning.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You're right. I can't let that
stuff drag me down. Because we
can't spend all our energy just
wishing the obstacles weren't
there, you know? We have to keep
going!
Pink (05/25/2022) 24.
WENDY
But how do you know what's an
obstacle and what's a dead end?
Like I've always wanted to open my
own bakery, you know. But it's so
hard, so I put it off, then life
got in the way and now I never bake
anymore and I feel so unfulfilled.
But what am I supposed to do?
JENNY
You need to change your life.
WENDY
I can't.
JENNY
Yes you can. You're strong.
Wendy nods, letting that sink in. After a beat...
WENDY
So are you done with your plate?
JENNY
Yeah.
Wendy takes Jenny's plate and goes back behind the counter.
Her CONFUSED MANAGER is annoyed with her for taking so long,
they get in a little tiff in the background as:
Jenny takes a sip of her iced latte, looking happy and proud
about the exchange with Wendy. Then suddenly, SHE GASPS.
JENNY (CONT'D)
OH MY GOD!
Everyone looks at her. She grabs her stuff and rushes out.
24 24
EXT. ANNE'S HOUSE - LATER
Anne pulls into her driveway. Jenny sits on the stoop. As
Anne gets out of the car, Jenny, super excited, jumps up.
Blue (05/18/2022) 25.
JENNY
Hi! I had a huge day.
ANNE
Why are you sitting out here?
JENNY
I locked myself out.
Francine peaks out from her door.
FRANCINE
Anne! This lunatic is your sister?
JENNY
I told you!
(to Anne)
She threatened to call the cops
because she thought I was
loitering.
FRANCINE
You were loitering. I thought you
were loitering with an intent to
murder.
JENNY
Do I look like a murderer?!
FRANCINE
Most don't!
ANNE
Okay, everyone calm down. Sorry
about her, Francine.
JENNY
Sorry about me? What did I do?!
Anne ushers Jenny into her house. Francine scowls at them.
25 25
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Anne and Jenny walk in. Jenny follows Anne, on a tear:
JENNY
Okay, so! I went to get a coffee
and I met this woman who was so
sad. But then we got to talking,
and I helped her!
26.
Anne notices all the cabinets in the kitchen are ajar. She
sighs, annoyed, and goes to close them. Jenny follows her,
not even noticing that Anne is cleaning up her mess:
JENNY (CONT'D)
And helping her made me feel
better. And just like that, I saw
it. I saw the path forward.
Anne sees the misplaced Terry Bobblehead.
ANNE
Don't move my stuff!
JENNY
I didn't!
ANNE
This is limited edition! It's from
the 300th episode, I endured a very
heated Ebay war to get this!
JENNY
Really? What's it worth?
Anne rolls her eyes. Jenny doesn't get it.
JENNY (CONT'D)
So as I was saying... I decided I'm
going to become a life coach.
Anne almost laughs. She goes to get Mr. Linguini's leash.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You know, like Oprah.
Now Anne does laugh. Jenny glares at her.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Don't laugh. This is my destiny.
ANNE
Oh my god, you and your destinies.
First it was figure skating, then
acting, then "being a music icon",
celebrity interior designer,
fashion designer--
JENNY
This is different!
Yellow (05/27/2022) 27.
ANNE
How?
JENNY
I'll show you. Because you're gonna
be my first project.
ANNE
I don't need a life coach.
JENNY
Really? Because from what I can
tell, you're a twenty-eight-year-
old woman living the life of a
ninety-eight-year-old widower.
ANNE
I'm thirty-three. And why am I
always a man in your hypotheticals?
JENNY
Because men are worse.
ANNE
Well I'm not interested. My life is
just fine how it is.
Anne leaves with Mr. Linguini. Jenny watches her go, not
buying that at all.
26 26
INT. ANNE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Anne and Mr. Linguini are cuddled up on the couch, watching
the Quiz. Jenny lies on her back on the ground, with a
weighted eye mask on. Anne eyes her, annoyed.
ANNE
What are you doing?
JENNY
Yoga.
Anne focuses on the TV just as THE HEAD TO HEAD STARTS. Anne
doesn't notice as Jenny starts filming the TV, then pans over
to film Anne listing South American Capital Cities:
ANNE
Buenos Aires, Lima, Sucre,
Brasilia, Santiago, Bogota, Quito,
Caracas, Montevideo, Asuncion...
28.
Off Anne, in the zone...
27 27
INT. LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Jenny is asleep on the couch, another sheet mask dried on her
face. Her phone DINGS with tons of alerts. Anne comes back
from Mr. Linguini's morning walk. She hangs up his leash.
ANNE
Jenny. Jenny!
JENNY
(still asleep)
Hh.
ANNE
Your phone! It's been going crazy
all morning.
Jenny sleepily waves her off. Anne leaves. After a beat of
more DINGS on Jenny's phone, there's a POUNDING ON THE WALL.
FRANCINE (O.S.)
ANSWER YOUR PHONE! IT SOUNDS LIKE A
GODDAMN AVIARY IN THERE!
28 28
INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - DAY
Anne walks in. Marge sees her.
MARGE
Heyyyyyyy! It's the Quiz Lady!
ANNE
Ha, yeah. Wait, sorry what?
MARGE
You were like --
(robotic)
"Spain. Killer whale. Octagon." And
I noticed we have the same Ikea
couch! The Slatorp, right?
ANNE
Sorry what are you talking about?
MARGE
Your video! Did you see it's on the
front page of Reddit?
29.
Anne notices PEOPLE LOOKING AT HER. She hurries to her desk.
29 29
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - DAY
Anne frantically googles "quiz lady video". Horrified, she
scrolls past the top results:
WOMAN CRUSHES THE QUIZ NEXT TO HER DEAD DOG
WEIRD OLD MAN GETS EVERY BLITZ QUESTION RIGHT
WHY THE QUIZ LADY REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH
AMERICA
HOW HATING THE QUIZ LADY IS RACIST, BUT LIKING HER IS EVEN
MORE RACIST
Trav busts in, recording himself on his phone.
TRAV
`Sup fam, here she is, as promised,
the Quiz Lady.
(to Anne)
That video was so funny dude, I
laughed so hard I dropped my phone
in the toilet. Don't worry, it was
just pee. Can I get a what up to my
followers?
ANNE
No! I -- sorry, I need a minute.
She whips out her cell phone and calls Jenny.
30 30
INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME - INTERCUT
Jenny is waiting in line at the coffee shop. She answers.
JENNY
Hi! Have you seen Twitter?
ANNE
How did this happen?!
JENNY
People love the video. I posted it
last night and when I woke up it
was everywhere.
(MORE)
Green (06/03/2022) 30.
JENNY (CONT'D)
I mean, I have a ton of followers
from that time Elon Musk yelled at
me, but --
ANNE
Delete it! Right now!
JENNY
No way! You cannot buy this kind of
hype. Get this: the producers --
31 31
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Anne furiously hangs up the phone. She stands there,
seething. Trav stands there super uncomfortably.
TRAV
I'm still here.
ANNE
God, she always does this! Just
floats through life without ever
thinking about how her actions
affect other people. You know, when
we were kids, our dad took us to
the Heinz ketchup museum and she
was furious because she wanted to
stay home and watch Supercop 3
because we had just gotten it on
DVD. So what did she do? As soon as
we got there, she knocked over the
ketchup display so we all got
thrown out!
WE SEE A QUICK FLASH OF:
32 32
INT. HEINZ KETCHUP MUSEUM - FLASHBACK
6-YEAR-OLD ANNE watches, horrified, as Jenny SCREAMS AND DOES
A FANCY MARTIAL ARTS KICK TO KNOCK OVER A DISPLAY OF KETCHUP
BOTTLES!
33 33
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
ANNE
So I never even got to learn about
ketchup! Which is something I was
really looking forward to!
Blue (05/18/2022) 31.
Anne's computer dings with an EMAIL alert. She looks at it.
TRAV
Isn't it just tomatoes?
ANNE
(re: her computer)
Oh my god. Oh my god. They want to
put me on the local news. I don't
want to be news!!!
Her OFFICE PHONE RINGS. She reflexively answers it.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Internal auditing.
REGULAR MAN (O.S.)
Heyyyy Quiz Lady! Someone posted
your office info and I just wanted
to call and say, I know there's
been a lot of negative comments
about your appearance, but I
personally, would LOVE to fuck you--
Anne hangs up. She looks at Trav, absolutely horrified.
ANNE
The Internet knows where I work.
The PHONE RINGING, EMAIL ALERTS, ANNE'S POUNDING HEARTBEAT
build to a cacophony. She rushes out, desperate to escape.
34 34
INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - DAY
Anne, in the midst of a panic attack but trying to look
normal, hurries out. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT HER, some
excited, some laughing, some filming.
35 35
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Anne bursts out of the building. She takes a second to calm
herself down. But then...
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Anne Yum.
32.
Anne jumps, startled, then sees KEN (Asian, calm, cool but
nonetheless terrifying). He smiles.
KEN
Didn't mean to startle you. I'm a
friend of your mom's.
Anne looks at him, unnerved.
KEN (CONT'D)
Do you know where she is?
ANNE
No, sorry --
Anne starts to walk off but Ken steps towards her.
KEN
You sure? Cause I'd really like to
find her. She owes me some money.
Anne's face falls.
ANNE
She swore she quit except for
occasional penny slots.
(then)
How much does she owe?
KEN
Eighty grand.
ANNE
Eighty grand?!
KEN
Not exactly penny slots. And
imagine my pleasant surprise when
her daughter became famous. Saved
me all the trouble of tracking you
down. So where is she?
Anne hesitates.
KEN (CONT'D)
You really want to protect her? You
probably don't even like her. I
know I don't.
(laughs)
Come on. Don't be stupid.
33.
He gets closer to her, intimidating her.
KEN (CONT'D)
Tell me where she is.
ANNE
M-Macao.
KEN
Macao. When's she coming back?
ANNE
I don't know. Sorry, I can't help
you.
KEN
Of course you can. You can cover
her debt.
ANNE
I don't have eighty-thousand
dollars.
KEN
Neither do I, that's the problem.
Call me when you have it.
He hands her a CARD. It just says KEN and a phone number.
KEN (CONT'D)
And you'll get your dog back.
He walks off. It takes Anne a second to register --
ANNE
My dog?
Ken goes to a LUXURY SUV. A TERRIFYING ASIAN GUY waits by the
car. An EQUALLY TERRIFYING ASIAN GUY is in the driver's seat.
KEN
I'll give you two weeks. After
that, you'll never see him again.
Off Anne, horrified...
36 36
EXT. ANNE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Jenny, holding an iced coffee and talking on the phone, walks
down the street towards Anne's house.
Blue (05/18/2022) 34.
JENNY
(on phone)
Amazing! We'll be there.
Anne's car comes FLYING by and careens into the driveway.
Anne gets out of the car, and stops dead in her tracks when
she sees: THE FRONT DOOR IS OPEN.
ANNE
No. Linguini!
She runs for her house. Jenny runs after her.
JENNY
Annie? What's going on?!
37 37
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Anne sits on the couch, devastated. So lonely without Mr.
Linguini. Jenny looks at Ken's business card.
JENNY
Who's even named Ken anymore?
ANNE
This is all your fault. He found me
because of your stupid video.
JENNY
Come on, he would've found you
eventually. If I remember several
ruined dinners from our childhood
correctly, bookies are very good at
tracking people down.
FLASH TO:
38 38
INT. ANNE AND JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - 1996
6-YEAR-OLD ANNE and 16-YEAR-OLD JENNY are at the dinner
table. They watch, wide-eyed as TWO SCARY ASIAN GANGSTERS
walk out with an entire Thanksgiving dinner. We can hear
CRYSTAL and THEIR DAD arguing off-screen.
39 39
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Jenny takes out her phone and dials.
35.
ANNE
What are you doing? Are you calling
him??
JENNY
I'm calling mom.
ANNE
That's not going to do anything.
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Hello?
JENNY
You left us with an eighty thousand
dollar debt!
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
It's okay, I'm in Macao.
We can hear the SOUNDS OF A CASINO in Crystal's background.
JENNY
Of course you're at a casino.
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
It's okay. Just penny slots.
JENNY
It's not okay! None of this is
okay! Your bookie threatened Annie
and kidnapped my dog!
ANNE
He's not your dog!
CRSYTAL (O.S.)
Oh, no. How did they find you? I
never talk about my daughters.
JENNY
Thanks Mom.
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
You don't want to mess with these
people, Jenny. They're bad news.
JENNY
Well what are we supposed to do?!
Blue (05/18/2022) 36.
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
(thinks, then)
You girls can come to Macao. Jeff
bought a condo. It's only one
bedroom but the closet is big.
JENNY
We don't want to live in your
fucking condo!
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Don't swear! Aiya, who raised you?
JENNY
NOBODY!
Jenny hurls her phone at the wall. It knocks over a vase,
which shatters. Jenny makes no effort to clean it up.
ANNE
I told you.
They sit in a heavy silence for a beat, reality sinking in.
JENNY
OH MY GOD!!!
Anne jumps, terrified, looks to the window--
ANNE
WHAT?! Are they here?!
JENNY
This is all connected. It's
synergy, from the universe. I
manifested this!
ANNE
I hate all the words you just used.
JENNY
This debt will not deter us. It
will spur us. I know how we'll get
the money. Someone from the Quiz
reached out. They saw your video.
ANNE
What?! No! That's so embarrassing!!
Goldenrod (06/14/2022) 37.
JENNY
They loved it! They're in the
middle of a casting round, and they
want you to come to the in-person
Regional audition this weekend in
Philadelphia!
ANNE
No. That's not happening.
JENNY
But you could win 80 grand like
that! You got every question right!
ANNE
Yeah because I was at home, with
Linguini, on my couch! I can't play
on live TV, in front of millions of
people and Terry freakin' McTeer
himself! I can't do it. There has
to be another way.
Anne looks off, racking her brain.
JENNY
You could sell your eggs. It's not
like you're using `em.
ANNE
I'm not selling my eggs.
Jenny looks at Anne, feeling bad.
JENNY
Well I am not going to let Mom's
fuck up ruin your life. I will get
us out of this.
Anne is too drained to argue. She walks out.
40 40
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Anne comes out from her bedroom.
ANNE
Okay I went on Carmax, and it looks
like I can easily sell my car for
*
around twenty thous--
38.
She sees the couch is empty. Before she can react, there's a
POUNDING ON THE FRONT DOOR. Anne nervously goes over and
checks the peephole, then opens it to reveal FRANCINE.
FRANCINE
I need your help. The paper boy
missed the porch. I think he's been
vaping drugs again.
Francine nods to a newspaper in the driveway, by Anne's car.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
I would get it myself but bending
over that far is too dangerous for
an almost-ghost like me.
41 41
EXT. ANNE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Anne heads for the newspaper by her car. Francine follows.
FRANCINE
Oh, and could I borrow your phone?
I want to check my stocks.
Anne, confused, hands her phone to Francine.
ANNE
Is everything okay? You seem weird.
We see Jenny is nearby, crouched in the bushes, hiding. She
holds up car keys and hits a button.
FRANCINE
I'm fine.
Anne hands the newspaper to Francine. Behind Anne, the trunk
of Anne's car pops open. Anne turns -- what the?
JENNY
DON'T BE SCARED IT'S ME!!!!!!
Jenny charges. Francine steps out of the way as Jenny shoves
Anne into the trunk of the car. She slams the trunk closed.
ANNE (O.S.)
What are you doing?!
JENNY
Taking you to Philadelphia!
39.
Francine holds Anne's phone out. Jenny takes it.
FRANCINE
Where's my hundred bucks?
JENNY
I don't have any cash on me. Sorry!
ANNE (O.S.)
How could you do this when I was
JUST threatened by a GENUINE TONG?!
JENNY
That's why I yelled "don't be
scared it's me!"
FRANCINE
What's a tong?
JENNY
Asian gangsters. Read a book. And
don't worry, I'm fixing it. They
won't interfere with your busy
schedule of being a shut-in.
FRANCINE
It already has!
Jenny gets into the car and drives off, Anne pounding on the
trunk of the car. Francine watches them go, annoyed.
42 42
INT. ANNE'S CAR - DAY
Jenny drives. Anne pounds on the walls of the trunk.
JENNY
Settle down!
ANNE (O.S.)
Settle down?! You're kidnapping me!
JENNY
Don't be so dramatic. I put a bunch
of snacks and pillows in there. Sit
back, relax, and enjoy the ride!
Jenny cranks the volume on the stereo, playing Lit's My Own
Worst Enemy. She rocks out for an intentionally kinda long
time:
Blue (05/18/2022) 40.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Please tell me why my car is in the
front yard and I'm sleeping with my
clothes on
I came in through the window last
night - ah-ooooh!
It's no surprise to me I am my own
worst enemy - Ah-ooooh! - 'Cause
every now and then I kick the
living shit out of me, ah-ooo--
BOOM! Part of the backseat rockets forward and Anne clamors
through the small opening. A FLOOD OF SNACKS erupts with her.
JENNY (CONT'D)
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
ANNE
PULL OVER!!!
JENNY
NEVER!!!!
Anne, stuck between the trunk and the backseat, wildly swipes
at Jenny's arm. Jenny swats back at Anne. As they fight,
music still blasting, the car veers wildly.
ANNE
THIS IS DANGEROUS! PULL OVER!
JENNY
GET BACK IN THE TRUNK!
Anne's eyes go wide -- there's a car coming RIGHT AT THEM!
They're in the wrong lane!
ANNE
JENNY!
At the last second, Jenny jerks the wheel hard. They SCREAM
as the car skids across the small two-lane highway, careening
towards a ditch! The car stops JUST short rolling into it!
Anne and Jenny sit in stunned silence, adrenaline pumping.
A LARGE PICK-UP TRUCK DRIVES PAST.
PICK-UP TRUCK DRIVER (O.S.)
Learn how to drive!
Jenny yells out the window:
41.
JENNY
RACIST!
The driver glares at her. Jenny sees it's an ASIAN MAN and
her face immediately brightens into a big smile.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Oh hi!
As the pick-up drives off, Anne gets out of the car.
43 43
EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
Jenny gets out of the car. Anne holds her shoe like a weapon.
ANNE
Give me my phone.
JENNY
No!
ANNE
Then I'm taking the car!
Anne bolts for the car, Jenny grabs her. They clumsily
grapple, eventually falling over. They roll down a slight
incline and land in a GRASSY DITCH.
JENNY
You are going to Philadelphia!
ANNE
I don't have time for this! Mr.
Linguini is in danger!
JENNY
That stupid show is the only way
we're going to get him back!
ANNE
No! I can't do it! What did your
lawyer say about the Choochie's
money?
JENNY
(hesitates, then)
There is no Choochie's money.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 42.
ANNE
Of course. Why would I ever think
you could help?
JENNY
Look, the Quiz is the best and
fastest option to get the money. So
unless you want to sell your eggs,
we need to get to Philadelphia.
Anne can't believe this. Jenny's right.
ANNE
Fine. But I'm driving.
They get in the car and drive off.
44 44
EXT. PHILADELPHIA MONUMENTS STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - DAY
A STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE of Philadelphia landmarks - the
skyline, Rocky steps, Liberty Bell, maybe the big balloon at
the zoo, etc. Suddenly, a LARGE THUMB appears in frame.
45 45
INT. ANNE'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY
REVEAL the beautiful stock footage montage is a video Jenny
is watching on her phone, and it's her thumb.
JENNY
Wow. I always forget how beautiful
this city is.
Jenny looks out the car window, where she sees:
46 46
EXT. STREET - DAY
A CHILD in a BOSTON SHIRT in the crosswalk. A passerby shoves
him. A KIND, RESPECTABLE LADY nods approvingly.
47 47
INT. ANNE'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY
Jenny smiles at the whole scene.
JENNY
They have so much hometown pride.
Blue (05/18/2022) 43.
ANNE
They should. They have a lot of
really interesting history here.
JENNY
Ooh yeah, if we have time we should
take the National Treasure tour.
Anne's phone DINGS. Jenny checks it. Her face darkens.
ANNE
What? What is it?
Jenny shows her: it's a PHOTO OF MR. LINGUINI in a LUXURIOUS
DOG BED. A LARGE TATTOOED FOUR-FINGERED HAND on his neck. The
photo is threatening but also... vaguely sexual???
JENNY
What is he gonna do to our dog?
ANNE
I don't know! He's not gonna hurt
him, is he? He can't --
JENNY
He won't. It's okay. Let's just get
to the hotel.
ANNE
Yeah. Okay. What's the address?
JENNY
I don't know. I'm still looking for
one.
Jenny holds up her phone - we see the Philadelphia monuments
montage video is on a janky website WHERETOSLEEP2NITE.COM
ANNE
You didn't book one before we left?
JENNY
I was too busy making the trunk
comfortable for you! Besides, how
hard will it to be to find one?
CUT TO:
Green (06/03/2022) 43A.
48 48
EXT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - LATE AFTERNOON
Anne and Jenny are in front of a quaint, Colonial-themed inn.
Jenny has a boba tea.
JENNY
How was I supposed to know there
was a pharmaceutical convention?!
Anne, so annoyed, goes inside. Jenny follows.
Green (06/03/2022) 44.
49 49
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - LATE AFTERNOON
Jenny and Anne enter. A BEN FRANKLIN IMPERSONATOR (a nervous
man who just wants to do his best, has adult braces that he's
REALLY insecure about) is at the front desk.
BEN FRANKLIN
Good morrow, ladies! Welcome to the
Ben Franklin Inn & Spa. May I
interest you in a corn pancake?
He gestures to a basket of complimentary corn pancakes.
JENNY
No. Where's the spa?
BEN FRANKLIN
There is a special tub with hot,
bubbly water in the John Hancock
Suite.
JENNY
That's it? It's just a Jacuzzi?
BEN FRANKLIN
Jacuzzi! What a fun word. I only
know it as a special tub.
Anne politely laughs. Jenny is NOT amused.
BEN FRANKLIN (CONT'D)
Are you in possession of a
reservation?
ANNE
Yes. It's under Anne Yum. Y-U-M.
BEN FRANKLIN
Ah yes! You just rang on the
telephone, a marvelous machine that
I am unfamiliar with. May I please
have some identification and a
credit card?
JENNY
You don't know what a phone is but
you know about credit cards?
BEN FRANKLIN
The concept of a credit card is an
easy one to grasp.
(MORE)
Green (06/03/2022) 44A.
BEN FRANKLIN (CONT'D)
I know what credit is, and I can
assure you, I am familiar with
cards. But the telephone is
something that was not invented in
my time.
Anne reaches for her wallet. The HOTEL PHONE rings.
BEN FRANKLIN (CONT'D)
(for their benefit)
Ah! What is this sound? Tis a
chirping bird?
(picks up the phone)
Ben Franklin Inn, please hold.
JENNY
So -- are you supposed to be Ben
Franklin? Because if Ben Franklin
had just been alive this whole
time, he would know what phones
are. I mean, he was really smart.
Ben Franklin laughs uncomfortably.
45.
BEN FRANKLIN
Yes, well... um, thank you for
saying that I am smart.
JENNY
But if you don't know about phones,
then, what, you're just like a
ghost of Ben Franklin who's somehow
stuck in the 1600s?
ANNE
1700s.
JENNY
So if you're in the past, then your
inn shouldn't have modern stuff. It
makes no sense. So which is it?
What are you?
Ben Franklin blinks, unsure how to continue.
BEN FRANKLIN
I am Ben Franklin.
JENNY
(re: braces)
Then why don't you have wooden
teeth like George Washington?
He quickly closes his mouth, insecure about the braces.
ANNE
Just let him be Ben Franklin.
(to Ben Franklin)
You're doing a great job, sir.
BEN FRANKLIN
(near tears)
Thank you.
Ben Franklin enters Anne's info into the computer.
JENNY
(to Anne)
He's using a computer.
Ben Franklin eyes Jenny but decides not to engage.
BEN FRANKLIN
Ah, I see you will only be with us
for two nights.
(MORE)
Blue (05/18/2022) 46.
BEN FRANKLIN (CONT'D)
Even though you have limited time
in our wonderful capital of the
United States of America -- which
is how I know it, how I, Ben
Franklin know it -- I hope you are
able to enjoy its many landmarks!
If you need assistance with
reservations, please do not
hesitate to call the front desk.
JENNY
On the phone?
BEN FRANKLIN
(laughing nervously)
Yes, on the telephone. Future's
greatest gift. TINA!
TINA, a surly teen in colonial garb, sits nearby, texting.
BEN FRANKLIN (CONT'D)
Please show our guests to their
chambers.
Tina pockets her phone and gets up with a heavy sigh.
50 50
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DUSK
Tina shows Anne and Jenny into the room. She hands Anne a KEY
ON A BULKY KITE KEYCHAIN then leaves. Anne and Jenny take in
the room -- it's kitschy colonial. There's one FULL SIZE BED.
ANNE
Rock-paper-scissors to see who
sleeps on the floor?
JENNY
I'm not sleeping on the floor. Come
on, it'll be like that summer in
Burbank!
ANNE
We're too old to share a bed.
JENNY
Speak for yourself, Granny Smith.
Thirties are the new twenties!
Jenny happily flops down on the bed. But the mattress is thin
and rock-hard and it looks like it hurts.
47.
ANNE
Since when are you in your
thirties?
JENNY
Since I did a guess my age filter
and it said thirty -
(soft)
-nine. Age is just a number, might
as well go with what a computer
thinks.
Anne sighs, starts hanging up her clothes.
JENNY (CONT'D)
This place sucks. Let's go to a
real hotel. They gotta have extra
rooms they keep open just in case.
I'll get them to give us one.
ANNE
How?
JENNY
Oh, I'm amazing at getting stuff. I
get really emotional and talk A LOT
so they get confused and then
they're willing to do whatever they
can to make it stop. Like this.
Jenny takes quick, shallow breaths, making herself cry.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Please!!! I know you're only
serving the breakfast menu but my
husband needs fries!!! He has a
rare kidney condition and if he
doesn't get salt he'll die!!! Help
us! Please!!!!
(immediately normal again)
See? Works every time.
ANNE
You'd publicly humiliate yourself
just to eat fries at breakfast?
JENNY
How is that humiliating?
Anne's phone DINGS. She checks it -- it's her Quiz alarm!
Green (06/03/2022) 48.
ANNE
I lost track of time! I need to
find a TV!
51 51
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Jenny follows Anne as she hurries down the hall.
JENNY
Wait! You need to rest tonight, you
have a really big day tomorrow.
ANNE
I can't miss it! I've watched it
every day since I was four!
JENNY
You've never skipped a night?
ANNE
Neither has Terry!
52 52
INT. CSQ STUDIO - SOME YEARS AGO
QUICK POPS of:
Terry hosting in a neck brace and a sling.
Terry hosting the Head to Head while a STREAKER dances behind
him, with The Brain being used to cover his nudity.
Terry hosting through an earthquake which shakes the camera --
53 53
INT. SPORTS BAR - EVENING
Anne peers through the window, sees TVs, and rushes in. Jenny
follows. The bar is full of Phillies fans watching a game.
Anne makes her way to the bartender. Right as she's about to
speak, a PERSON steps in front of her. Anne moves around.
ANNE
Excuse me--
The bartender moves away. Jenny, seeing how bad Anne is at
getting someone's attention, SLAMS HER FIST ON THE BAR.
Blue (05/18/2022) 49.
JENNY
HEY!
Everyone looks over. Jenny immediately switches from
aggressive to sweet.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Would you mind changing the channel
to the Quiz?
The bartender looks at her like she's crazy. DARRYL, a drunk
bro, notices Anne.
DARRYL
Holy shit! The Quiz Lady!
ANNE
No. That's a different Asian woman.
BARTENDER
Then why'd she ask to change the
channel to the Quiz?
DARRYL
Oh yeah put it on! I wanna see if
she really knows all that stuff.
Cause that video coulda been fake.
JENNY
Fake?! Yeah right. A hundred bucks
says she gets `em all right.
DARRYL
Alright. Not like I care about this
game. I'm just here with my wife.
An INTENSE WOMAN, JANINE, looks over from a barstool.
JANINE
DARRYL SHUT THE FUCK UP! BASES ARE
LOADED!
DARRYL
I HAVE MY OWN INTERESTS, JANINE!
Anne pulls Jenny aside.
ANNE
What are you doing?!
50.
JENNY
Making some money!
Jenny climbs up on a bar stool, before Anne can stop her --
JENNY (CONT'D)
Hey everybody! The Quiz Lady is
here, and she wants to play some
Quiz! Hundred bucks says she gets
them all right! If you want in, all
we need is one TV. Whattaya say?!
PHILLIES FAN (O.S.)
Fuck you!
ANNE
Jenny, stop! Get down! They're mad!
JENNY
QUIZ! QUIZ! QUIZ! QUIZ!
ANNE
Stop chanting!
JENNY
Chanting always works! QUIZ! QUIZ!
Darryl happily chants along, but everyone else throws popcorn
and coasters at Jenny. Anne tries to pull her off the stool.
ANNE
Stop! These are people who punch
police horses when they're happy!
JANINE
THOSE WERE EAGLES FANS!
BARTENDER
And it's a stereotype! It only
happened two separate times!
ANGRY CROWD
SHUT UP! / SIT DOWN! / FUCK YOU!
JENNY
Hey! I'm not sitting down until I
see Terry McTeer's face on this TV!
I don't care what you throw--
A BEER BOTTLE HITS HER IN THE HEAD. She falls back, hitting
the TV as she flips over the bar and lands HARD behind it.
Goldenrod (06/14/2022) 51.
The TV falls and SHATTERS. We don't see Jenny or the TV, but
it looks like the TV crushed her. Everyone WILHELM SCREAMS.
54 54
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM WAITING AREA - NIGHT
Jenny and Anne sit in a waiting area. IN THE BG: an ADULT IN
A NEW YORK SHIRT has a black eye. Jenny holds an ice pack on
her wrist.
*
JENNY
*
It was sweet of that guy to drive
*
us here. You know, Philly fans get
*
a bad rap but deep down, they're
*
nice. Sometimes stereotypes are
*
wrong.
*
ANNE
*
They're always wrong.
*
(beat)
*
You know the term stereotype has a
*
pretty fascinating etymology --
*
Jenny takes the ice pack off, revealing a SQUIGGLY AND
VISIBLY FUCKED UP WRIST.
ANNE (CONT'D)
*
-- GOOD LORD! How are you not in a
massive amount of pain?
JENNY
Oh this happens all the time, ever
since I tried to catch a foul ball
at that World Series game.
(off Anne's confusion)
When I was dating Sammy. Anyway, it
hurts when it pops out and when it
goes back in but in between it's
not that bad.
ANNE
That is not just dislocated, that's
definitely broken.
JENNY
No it's not. I bet I can pop it
back into place myself.
She tries to swing it back into place. Anne GAGS.
Goldenrod (06/14/2022) 51A.
ANNE
Stop it!
Jenny keeps doing it. Anne can't help but eventually laugh.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Stop! I'm gonna throw up!
Jenny stops. After a beat...
ANNE (CONT'D)
You know Cousin Jin could fix that
for you no problem.
Jenny laughs. It's clearly an old inside joke.
52.
JENNY
Well Cousin Jin is the best surgeon
in the world.
ANNE
Every hospital wanted him. Not just
because he's a great doctor,
because he's handsome enough to be
a model for Abercrombie and Fitch.
JENNY
Abercrombie and Finch. Mom never
got it right.
ANNE
Remember when we went to
California? And Jin was really into
skateboarding, even though he was
terrible? But everyone acted like
he was incredible because he's Jin.
Jenny gets a wistful smile on her face.
JENNY
God, I loved it out there. As soon
as we hit the freeway...
FLASHBACK TO:
55 55
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY - 1998
18-YEAR-OLD JENNY and 8-YEAR-OLD ANNE are in the backseat.
Anne is reading a book about rocks. Jenny looks out the
window, in awe.
JENNY (V.O.)
... I knew I'd found my destiny.
Burbank.
56 56
EXT. BURBANK BACKYARD - POOL - 1998 - DAY
18-Year-Old Jenny sits with her cool, stylish KOREAN TEEN
COUSINS by the pool, laughing. TEEN COUSIN JIN is nearby,
trying to do a kick-flip on a skateboard but failing.
JENNY (V.O.)
Everything just felt so possible.
The world was big, and bright...
53.
We can see 8-YEAR-OLD ANNE in the BG, reading, with a towel
over her head to protect her from the sun.
JENNY (V.O.)
And everyone was getting along. No
one was yelling at me to turn my
music down or get a job. No one
yelled at all. Unless you needed
something from inside.
SO-YUNG (very cool teen) yells from her pool float:
SO-YUNG
Na-Yung! Bring me an Orangina!
JENNY (V.O.)
You could be anything you wanted to
be, do anything you wanted to do.
For the first time, I felt like I
belonged. And the weather was so
perfect you didn't even have to
wear a shirt. You could just wear a
tankini.
Jenny, in a tankini, lays back on her pool chair, soaking it
all up, a huge smile on her face. This is the life.
BACK TO:
57 57
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM WAITING AREA - NIGHT
Jenny is lost in the blissful memory.
ANNE
Well, too bad that whole side of
the family hates us and never
invited us back.
Jenny's smile fades.
JENNY
Yeah.
ANNE
I always hated being around them.
They were so intimidating. I...
when we went to go stay with them,
I was so nervous that I... I didn't
shit the whole month we were there.
And then it...
(MORE)
Blue (05/18/2022) 54.
ANNE (CONT'D)
I mean I had to go eventually. And
I woke up one night with really bad
cramps and...
Jenny looks at her, like "why are you telling me this?"
ANNE (CONT'D)
I was too scared that someone would
hear me pooping, or that I'd clog
the toilet or something so I... I
went out in the backyard and dug a
hole and shit out there. That's how
unwelcome I felt in that house.
(emotional beat)
I've never told anyone about that.
Jenny just looks at her, no idea what to say.
ANNE (CONT'D)
It was just too much. All that...
tension. And the way they looked at
us... like we were... trash.
JENNY
They wanted to help us. That's why
they let us stay with them.
ANNE
Yeah, how generous. Dad dies, and
to make sure we're okay they let us
swim in their pool for a summer.
Jenny chooses not to respond to that. Anne doesn't notice.
ANNE (CONT'D)
They never even talked about Dad.
It was like they wanted to forget
him, because they were embarrassed
how he died. Divorced, broke.
Falling off a singles cruise
because he tried to do the king of
the world thing from Titanic, and
drowning in the Caribbean. Like a
loser.
JENNY
He wasn't a loser. He was just...
She doesn't know how to finish that sentence. They sit in a
heavy silence. And then --
Blue (05/18/2022) 54A.
NURSE (O.S.)
Jennifer Yum?
Green (06/03/2022) 55.
58 58
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - EXAM ROOM - NIGHT
Jenny and Anne sit while a HOT MALE DOCTOR examines an X-RAY.
HOT MALE DOCTOR
Doesn't seem to be broken, just
dislocated. I can go ahead and...
HE VIOLENTLY JERKS HER WRIST, snapping it back into place.
JENNY
(to Anne)
Told you.
Anne is absolutely baffled. Jenny smiles at the doctor.
JENNY (CONT'D)
How can I ever thank you for saving
my wrist? Maybe with a drink?
HOT MALE DOCTOR
I'm married. And gay.
JENNY
Why'd you have to say two reasons?
ANNE
Okay, let's go. Big day tomorrow.
59 59
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - ROOM - NIGHT
Anne gets into bed. Her PHONE DINGS. She checks it.
ANNE
Oh my god!
Jenny comes out from the bathroom, wearing a CAT EARS SPA
HEADBAND holding her hair back, and green goo on her face.
JENNY
What? What's wrong?
ANNE
Ken. He sent me a video.
JENNY
Give it to me.
Anne hands her phone over. It's open to a thumbnail of a
close-up of Mr. Linguini's face. Jenny presses play. We see:
Green (06/03/2022) 56.
60 60
INT. KEN'S DEN - DAY - CELL PHONE VIDEO
Ken, filming, slowly pulls out from Mr. Linguini's close-up.
KEN (O.S.)
Mr. Linguini's getting nice and
comfortable over here.
We see Mr. Linguini is in a RIDICULOUSLY LUXURIOUS DOG BED.
He looks very happy. Ken flips the camera around to himself.
KEN (CONT'D)
The longer you take to pay me back,
the happier he is with me. So if I
was you, I'd hurry up.
He smiles sinisterly at the camera. Then:
KEN (CONT'D)
Hey, Linguini. You want some bacon?
Mr. Linguini perks up, tail wagging. The video stops.
61 61
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - ROOM - SAME TIME
Jenny solemnly puts the phone down. Anne looks so sad.
ANNE
He's going to make it so Linguini
doesn't even want to leave.
JENNY
Wow. That's fucked up. It's...
almost brilliant. In a bad way.
Anne shoots her a look -- really? Jenny feels bad.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Hey, it's okay. We're going to get
him back. I promise.
Anne nods uneasily, not really buying it.
ANNE
Do you have a laptop or something?
I can't sleep without noise.
JENNY
Yeah, in that bag.
57.
Anne goes to one of Jenny's bags and rifles through it,
pulling out SO much shit -- a pocket umbrella, a small plate,
some canned drinks. She finally finds a LARGE, BULKY LAPTOP.
ANNE
When did you buy this? 1970?
JENNY
Chad gave it to me. And he was in
the CIA so you know it's powerful.
Jenny takes out some KAHI Bounce Balm and applies it all over
her face as she talks.
ANNE
Who's Chad?
JENNY
You know Chad. The guy after Lars.
ANNE
Was Lars the one with the boxed
soda company?
JENNY
No that was Michael. Lars was the
glaciologist. Aren't you supposed
to have a good memory?
ANNE
Sorry there's just so many.
Jenny eyes Anne, sensing the judgment in her tone.
JENNY
Well I remember everyone you've
ever dated. Since it was just that
one weird kid who was so pale he
was basically see-through.
ANNE
Francoise was not see-through.
JENNY
It was like someone saran-wrapped a
skeleton.
(then, offering)
Bounce Balm?
ANNE
No, I'm good.
58.
JENNY
Are you sure? It's Korean.
ANNE
I didn't even date Francoise, we
were just friends. And it's not his
fault he's allergic to the sun.
Anne starts to build a pillow wall in the middle of the bed.
JENNY
What are you doing?
ANNE
I want my own space.
Jenny gets in bed, moves the pillows.
JENNY
But I sleep with two pillows.
Anne grabs the pillows.
ANNE
You can have two pillows if you
sleep on the floor.
JENNY
I'm wounded! I'm not sleeping on
the floor.
ANNE
Well I'm not either!
JENNY
Then-- sleep on the chair!
She points to a DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE WOODEN CHAIR.
ANNE
No!
JENNY
What is the big deal? We used to
sleep together all the time.
ANNE
Twenty years ago. Before you left.
A pointed beat.
Green (06/03/2022) 59.
JENNY
Fine. Pillow wall.
ANNE
And head to foot.
Jenny rolls her eyes. Whatever. They get in bed, head to
foot, a wall of pillows separating them.
JENNY
I know you're nervous about
tomorrow, but... is there at least
a small part of you that's excited?
ANNE
Maybe. A small part.
JENNY
You're gonna be great.
Anne allows herself to kinda believe that. She turns over to
the computer and puts on an old episode of CSQ.
TERRY (O.S.)
Let's meet today's contestants.
Now, I can't believe what I'm
reading. All three of you are
librarians? That's incredible.
62A INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - ROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT 62A
Anne wakes up in the middle of the night. She has a startled
moment of not knowing where she is. She looks over, sees
Jenny. Calms down a little. She turns around, so she's lying
the right way instead of upside down. She settles into bed.
62 62
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - ROOM - NEXT MORNING
The next morning. Anne and Jenny are now sleeping face to
face, it looks like two sisters sweetly sharing a bed. Jenny
wakes up, sees Anne. She smiles.
REVEAL Jenny has all the blankets, Anne is shivering. Jenny
brushes hair out of Anne's face and gently shakes her awake.
JENNY
Annie. Wake up. It's audition day!
Green (06/03/2022) 59A.
63 63
INT. BIG CORPORATE HOTEL - DAY
Anne and Jenny walk in. Anne is SO nervous.
JENNY
(looking at phone)
They say report to the Liberty
Conference Room. Jesus, this city
is obsessed with freedom.
(then)
How are you feeling?
ANNE
Bad. Can you tell I'm sweating?
Blue (05/18/2022) 60.
She takes off her jacket, revealing ENORMOUS pit stains.
JENNY
Yeah.
ANNE
I can't do this.
JENNY
Yes you can! You know why?
Jenny takes her by the shoulders and looks at her with the
same conviction she showed Wendy in the coffee shop.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You're strong.
Anne nods, trying to convince herself. Jenny leads her off.
As they walk off, Anne stops briefly to VOMIT INTO A PLANT.
64 64
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Anne and Jenny walk in. A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF TERRY is by
the sign-in desk. MERCEDES greets them.
MERCEDES
Hi! Are you here to audition?
Anne nods, too nervous to speak. Mercedes hands her a
clipboard. She and Jenny go sit.
ANNE
There's too many people here.
JENNY
Don't think about them. Focus on
the fact that you need this money
to save Mr. Linguini's life.
ANNE
That's not helping! I can't do
this. I can't go on the show. I'll
wind up like Marybeth Windlemore!
JENNY
Who's Marybeth Windlemore?
ANNE
The lowest scoring contestant of
all time.
(MORE)
61.
ANNE (CONT'D)
She barely made it through to the
Head to Head and then she just
froze!
FLASH TO:
65 65
INT. CAN'T STOP THE QUIZ STUDIO - A FEW YEARS AGO
MARYBETH WINDLEMORE is seated for the Head to Head. Her score
is -10,000. Her category is on screen: US FIRST LADIES. Time
is ticking. She's completely frozen, totally panicked.
MARYBETH
........... Martha Stewart?
EHH. Her score goes to -10,500.
MARYBETH (CONT'D)
I mean Eleanor Stewart. No I mean
Betty... Betty, Betty, Betty White?
No! Betty Martha!
66 66
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Anne shame-shivers at the memory.
ANNE
And the internet was so mean to
her! People hate when women are bad
at things!
JENNY
But you're not going to be bad!
You're gonna be great!
ANNE
People don't like when women are
good at things either! And the only
reason I'm good is that I'm playing
at home, just me and Linguini, I
can't do it with people watching!
Come on, let's just sell my eggs!
JENNY
We came all this way. It's just an
audition. We have to try.
ANNE
Okay. But I need some air.
Blue (05/18/2022) 62.
JENNY
I'll fill these out for you.
Jenny takes the clipboard from Anne. Anne takes her purse and
leaves. Jenny starts filling out the form, but then --
JENNY (CONT'D)
You sneaky little bitch.
67 67
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Jenny hurries out and sees ANNE SPRINTING FOR THE EXIT!
JENNY
HEY!
68 68
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
Anne runs! Jenny chases her down and tackles her onto a
carpeted floor.
ANNE
OW!! RUGBURN!!!
JENNY
Why are you ruining this?! You're
just as bad as mom!
Anne stops. That hit home. A BELLMAN comes over.
BELLMAN
Is everything okay?
JENNY
We're fine, thank you.
He walks off. Jenny and Anne stand.
ANNE
I am not fine! I'm freaking out! My
armpits are like Niagara Falls!
JENNY
Here.
Jenny takes off her FUZZY SWEATER and gives it to Anne.
63.
JENNY (CONT'D)
So no one can see. It's gonna be
okay. You're having a panic attack.
We just need to get through it.
ANNE
How?
JENNY
Well, we're short on time so...
(mutters)
Do you want drugs?
ANNE
What?
JENNY
(mutters)
Do you want drugs?
ANNE
I can't --
JENNY
Drugs. For your anxiety.
ANNE
Do you have some?
JENNY
Yeah I have all sorts of stuff.
She digs into her purse, discreetly showing off various
plastic bags and pill bottles.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Party pills, zen pills, fun stuff,
Advil.
ANNE
Is that cocaine?!
JENNY
SHH!
They look around -- people are staring.
JENNY (CONT'D)
(for their benefit)
Of course not! It's stevia! Hahaha!
Blue (05/18/2022) 64.
Jenny pulls Anne further aside.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You should take some diazepam.
(off Anne's hesitation)
It's no big deal! Doctors prescribe
these! Well not these exactly,
these are from the street, but
they'll help you relax a little.
Jenny fishes a big pill out of a bag of random pills.
ANNE
Okay. For Linguini.
JENNY
Great. Hold this.
She hands the pill to Anne as she reaches back into her
purse. Jenny doesn't notice as Anne SWALLOWS THE WHOLE BAR.
JENNY (CONT'D)
And just take a quarter because--
She looks up, sees the panicked look on Anne's face --
ANNE
Because what? Because what??!
Jenny stares at her, very scared that she took the whole
thing. But not wanting to freak her out, Jenny smiles.
JENNY
Because I wanted some! But oh well.
Come on, let's go.
Jenny, nervous but trying to hide it, leads Anne off.
69 69
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jenny walks Anne in.
JENNY
How do you feel?
ANNE
The same. When is that thing
supposed to kick iiiiiiiiiiiin.
IN SLOW MOTION: A goofy grin lights up Anne's face.
Blue (05/18/2022) 65.
ANNE'S DRUGGED OUT POV: The room is brighter, more welcoming.
A soft Enya-like rendition of the CSQ Theme plays. Anne sees
the Terry cardboard cut-out and happily waves. The cut-out
winks at her.
As Jenny leads Anne to her seat, Anne looks at the carpet,
which TURNS INTO SOFT GRASS. She looks up, sees the CEILING
LIGHTS turn into ADORABLE, SMILING CARTOON CLOUDS.
IN REALITY:
Anne is slumped in a chair, all muscles totally relaxed, open-
mouthed grinning. Jenny tries to close her mouth, but it
keeps flopping open to the same super stoned grin.
JENNY
Close your mouth. You look insane.
Mercedes walks to the front of the room to address everyone.
MERCEDES
Good morning! For today's audition,
everyone will get a chance to play
all three rounds. We'll start with
the Blitz. First up we have...
JENNY
Please don't make her go first.
MERCEDES
Angela Jackson, Charles Von Kampf,
and Anne Yum.
JENNY
Shit! Anne. Anne!
70 70
EXT. BLISSFUL MEADOW - SAME TIME
Anne, relaxed on a toadstool. PUG PUPPIES in BOW TIES frolic
around her. Jenny's hand grabs her. Anne turns --
IN ANNE'S POV, she sees THE SUN, but it's Jenny's smiling
face. And Jenny's hand on her shoulder is like a sunbeam.
SUN-JENNY
It's your turn to play.
Sun-Jenny nods to a GLITTERING QUIZ SET. It looks like Oz.
The OLD VERSION OF THE BRAIN waves at her.
66.
71 71
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME
Anne takes her place at the podium, petting her sweater.
ANNE
This is so soft.
She turns to CHARLES VON KAMPF next to her. He's an old,
slender man who looks like a vampire.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Look at you, Father Time. Feel how
soft this is.
She offers her arm to him. He recoils.
MERCEDES
Alright. Five minutes on the clock.
And your time. Starts. Now!
As Mercedes goes through questions, Angela and Charles buzz
in to answer. But Anne is spaced out, mindlessly rubbing her
shirt (which looks like she's just rubbing her boobs)
Jenny watches from the audience, panicked.
JENNY
Shit shit shit.
She opens up her purse and fishes out the bag of loose pills.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Come on, come on...
Jenny holds up a LITTLE ORANGE PILL.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Bingo.
Anne, totally blissed out, is trying to take off her fuzzy
sweater while happily watching Charles Von Kampf answer --
CHARLES VON KAMPF
Abraham Lincoln.
ANNE
That's right. Good job to you.
MERCEDES
Is everything alright, Ms. Yum?
67.
ANNE
Yeah, I'm just warm.
Anne goes to pull off her sweater, which pulls up her shirt
and exposes her bra. Jenny hurries in, pulls the shirt down.
JENNY
Sorry! My fault! I forgot to give
her her diabetes medicine. She gets
sleepy without it.
Jenny holds the pill out to Anne, who's eyes are barely open.
CHARLES VON KAMPF
Drowsiness can't be solved by a
diabetes medication.
JENNY
Are you a doctor?!
CHARLES VON KAMPF
Yes.
JENNY
A diabetes doctor?!
CHARLES VON KAMPF
Yes.
Jenny is briefly at a loss, but then --
JENNY
Well this is Eastern medicine! Get
with the times, Big Pharma!
(to Anne)
Come on, Anne, here you go.
Jenny puts the pill in Anne's mouth.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Now swallow... great! Sorry for the
interruption.
Jenny hurries off. On Anne, as the new pill takes effect...
72 72
EXT. BLISSFUL MEADOW - GLITTERING QUIZ SET - DAY
Anne happily bobbing to a SOOTHING VERSION OF THE QUIZ THEME.
Mercedes' voice bleeds in, it sounds soft and pleasant:
68.
MERCEDES (O.S.)
What is the only element that can
exist without --
SUDDENLY REALITY SHIFTS TO A DARK, ADDERAL-FUELED NIGHTMARE.
MERCEDES (CONT'D)
NEUTRONS?!?!?!
ANNE
(terrified)
Hy-- hydrogen!
MERCEDES
CORRECT. WHAT IS THE SMALLEST BONE
IN THE HUMAN BODY?!
Anne sees the CLOUDS hovering nearby. They're terrified.
TERRIFIED CLOUD
You have to get them all, Anne! If
you don't, we'll die!
ANNE
THE STAPES! IT'S THE STAPES!
Jenny watches with a bit of concern.
JENNY
Just gotta keep this up for a
couple more hours.
73 73
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Anne is jittery and CHUGGING water. She's seated across from
Charles Von Kampf for the Head to Head.
MERCEDES
Best Picture Oscar Winners.
Anne crushes her empty water bottle and throws it.
ANNE
I'm gonna do `em in order.
MERCEDES
You don't have to--
Blue (05/18/2022) 69.
ANNE
Wings, Broadway Melody, All Quiet
on the Western Front, Cimarron,
Grand Hotel, Cavalcade, It Happened
One Night, Mutiny on the Bounty,
The Great Zigfield, The Life of
Emile Zola-
Everyone watches in a mix of awe and horror. Finally --
MERCEDES
And time!
ANNE
All About Eve, An American in Paris-
MERCEDES
Your time is up --
Anne holds up a finger and keeps going -- she's in the zone!
DISSOLVE TO:
74 74
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - MINUTES LATER
ANNE
-- Birdman, Spotlight, Moonlight,
Shape of Water, Green Book,
Parasite, Nomadland, CODA!
An awkward beat. Anne is panting, so exhausted and winded.
Jenny jumps up and claps. Some people join her, so impressed.
MERCEDES
Okay! Next category...
75 75
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Anne sits back down with Jenny. She's winded.
JENNY
That was amazing. I didn't know
you've seen all those movies!
ANNE
I haven't. God my heart feels like
it's going to explode.
Jenny hands her a bag of Lays potato chips.
70.
JENNY
Here. Eat something. It might take
the edge off.
Anne, still tweaking, mouth so dry, eats the chips in a
manner not totally dissimilar to Cookie Monster.
JENNY (CONT'D)
It's gonna be okay. You're almost
done. All that's left is the Coin.
ANNE
Oh god, the Coin! What if they make
me do Show It?! I can't!
ANNE (CONT'D)
JENNY
Yes you can! No I can't!
They go back and forth, their argument crescendoing to:
76 76
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Anne, frozen in fear, with MERCEDES and CHARLES VON KAMPF.
MERCEDES
Now for the coin flip!
She holds up a regular quarter.
MERCEDES (CONT'D)
I know, it looks bigger on TV. Ha!
Heads is Say It, tails is Show It!
Mercedes flips the quarter. As it flips, Anne's panic builds!
MERCEDES (CONT'D)
Heads!
ANNE
YES!!!! AHAHAHA YES!!! Ohhhh you
have no idea how big of a relief
this is. Now I can win, and the
clouds won't die!!!
Everyone looks freaked out. Jenny, trying to be supportive,
stands up and claps.
JENNY
Yes! So true. The clouds won't die.
That's an old Chinese saying.
71.
Some nice white people nod politely, like "oh interesting."
77 77
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
Jenny leads an exhausted Anne outside as a VALET pulls up in
Anne's car.
ANNE
What did you give me?
JENNY
Do you promise you won't get mad?
ANNE
Okay.
JENNY
It was basically meth.
ANNE
Meth???
JENNY
Basically meth.
Anne is too tired to be mad. Jenny helps her into the car.
ANNE
At least I did it.
JENNY
You didn't just do it. You crushed
that audition.
Jenny starts to close the door on Anne but then --
ANNE
Jenny. Thank you.
They smile at each other. A nice moment. But then Anne falls
over, passing out. The Bellman notices.
BELLMAN
(joking)
You're not kidnapping her, are you?
JENNY
(smiling, with meaning)
Not anymore.
Blue (05/18/2022) 72.
She closes the door on Anne and gets in the car. The Bellman
watches them drive off, not sure if he should call someone?
78 78
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN - TAVERN - NEXT MORNING
Anne is at the breakfast buffet. Ben Franklin is nearby. She
puts an Eggs Benedict on her plate.
ANNE
Eggs Benedict. I'd have thought you
guys wouldn't serve this here.
BEN FRANKLIN
Ah yes, it pains me to serve a dish
named after a traitor. Alas it is a
popular item that many expect from
a buffet. Quite the conundrum.
ANNE
Sounds like you need to make a pro-
con list.
She smiles a knowing smile. He looks at her, delighted.
BEN FRANKLIN
Ms. Yum. Have you been reading my
1772 letter to Joseph Priestly?!
Anne makes a face like "caught me". Ben Franklin laughs, so
charmed. They're friends! Jenny runs in, SO amped.
JENNY
The Quiz just emailed! They said to
expect a call soon!!!
Ben Franklin, scared of Jenny, finds a reason to walk away.
ANNE
I can't believe it. I'm going to be
on the show.
JENNY
And you thought I couldn't be an
Oprah.
Pink (05/25/2022) 72A.
ANNE
Too bad the Choochie's money isn't
real, otherwise you could just fly
around, helping people like Mary
Poppins. You've already got the bag
for it.
Jenny gets a proudly mischievous smile. Anne notices.
ANNE (CONT'D)
What?
JENNY
I lied about the Choochie's money.
ANNE
Yeah, I know --
JENNY
No, I lied about lying about the
Choochie's money. It's real. I'm
gonna get a giant check, just like
on TV! That was part of the
settlement, I made them put that --
ANNE
What are you talking about?! Why
would you lie?!
JENNY
Because I knew that the only way
you'd do this was if you thought it
was the only way.
(MORE)
Blue (05/18/2022) 73.
JENNY (CONT'D)
(smiles proudly)
Life coaching.
ANNE
So we've had the money to pay off
the debt this whole time?! I could
already have Linguini back?!
JENNY
No, I told you, the money hasn't
come in yet --
ANNE
Oh my god. Even your lies are lies!
JENNY
It's not a lie. Just listen --
ANNE
You always do this! You do whatever
you want with no regard for anyone
else! Mr. Linguini is everything to
me! But to you he's just a pawn! I
thought you were helping me --
JENNY
I am! I'm helping you get him back
while also seizing your destiny!
ANNE
Oh my god, destiny isn't real!
JENNY
Yes it is. We all have a purpose,
we just need to find it.
ANNE
That's just a lie you tell
yourself! You chase all of these
stupid dreams and then blame
whatever you can when they don't
work out, but the truth is -- it's
you! You're reckless, and selfish,
and no one can stand to be around
you because it's constant chaos!
All your fake emotional outbursts
mixed with real emotional outbursts
-- you're just like Mom!
JENNY
Stop yelling!
74.
ANNE
Take some responsibility for your
life. And stop being such a loser.
Anne storms off. Jenny, stung, filling with rage, grabs a
LIBERTY BELL ROLL from a bread basket and hurls it Anne.
JENNY
You're the loser! Yes I am lonely
and currently unhoused and my life
hasn't exactly worked out the way I
wanted. Do you have any idea how
hard it is to be an Asian woman in
this country?!
A NICE WHITE COUPLE nearby nods empathetically.
ANNE
Oh my god.
JENNY
But at least I've lived! You
haven't done anything with your
life! All you do is hide in your
robot house and watch the Quiz!
ANNE
And take care of mom, and lend you
money, and support myself. I've
always had to be responsible for
EVERYTHING!
Anne hurls a Liberty Roll at Jenny. Ben Franklin comes over.
BEN FRANKLIN
If I could ask you to please calm--
ANNE
FUCK YOU BEN FRANKLIN!
Everyone in the tavern GASPS.
ANNE (CONT'D)
You're the older sister, you're
supposed to help me! But you never
have! You only care about yourself!
JENNY
That is not true. I was always
looking out for you.
Pink (05/25/2022) 75.
ANNE
Yeah? When?!
JENNY
IN BURBANK! WHEN YOU SHIT IN THAT
GODDAMN HOLE!
Anne looks at her -- what? Jenny simmers with a quiet rage.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You didn't bury it deep enough. The
next day, when So-Yung and Na-Yung
and I got back from Starbucks...
FLASHBACK TO:
79 79
EXT. BURBANK BACKYARD - POOL - DAY - 1998
18-Year-Old Jenny walks in with So-Yung and Na-Yung, all
wearing tankinis and holding caramel Frappuccinos.
SO-YUNG
I'm so sad about Uncle. But Appah
said you can live with us. And then
you can come to UCLA with me next
year!
YOUNG JENNY
And we can start our fashion line!!
They all squeal with excitement and hug. But then --
JENNY (V.O.)
Cousin Jin had found it.
COUSIN JIN
Come here! You gotta see this!
Cousin Jin waves them over to a HOLE, a SMALL DIRT MOUND next
to it. A TINY WHITE POMERANIAN (Tiger) is with Jin. The girls
look into the hole and recoil, disgusted.
SO-YUNG
Tiger, did you do this?!
COUSIN JIN
Look at it! It's definitely human.
Blue (05/18/2022) 76.
JENNY (V.O.)
I knew right away it was you.
Jenny looks towards the house, where we can see YOUNG ANNE
inside, organizing a rock collection.
JENNY (V.O.)
It was only a matter of time before
they figured it out.
Jenny turns back to the cousins, mustering courage.
JENNY (V.O.)
So I told them I did it.
The cousins stare at Jenny, so disgusted...
80 80
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN - TAVERN - DAY
Jenny has tears in her eyes.
JENNY
Uncle Joon was going to let us live
with them in Burbank. It's not like
Mom would've missed us! But
everything changed after that. Do
you know how insane an eighteen-
year-old would have to be to shit
in a hole?! And why was it so big?!
ANNE
Why didn't you tell me?
JENNY
Because you were eight.
Jenny storms off, but then stops and turns back --
JENNY (CONT'D)
Asshole!
She leaves. Anne watches her go, feeling guilty.
81 81
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN - ROOM - LATER
All of Jenny's stuff is gone. Anne sits, working up the nerve
to make a FaceTime call. Finally, she does.
Ken answers, we can't see much of his surroundings.
Blue (05/18/2022) 77.
KEN (ON FACETIME)
Oh, it's you. You have my money?
ANNE
Not yet. But I will. I just... I
just want to see Mr. Linguini.
KEN (ON FACETIME)
There is no Mr. Linguini anymore.
ANNE
No -- no! I still have more time--
KEN (ON FACETIME)
We're calling him Porky now.
Ken flips the camera around to show MR. LINGUINI getting his
belly scratched by one of Ken's TOUGH GUYS.
KEN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
We thought that suited him better.
Isn't that right, Porky?!
Mr. Linguini lifts his head. Anne gasps, horrified that he
responded to another name. Ken flips his camera back around.
KEN (ON FACETIME) (CONT'D)
You're running out of time.
Ken hangs up. Anne looks harrowed.
82 82
EXT. ANNE AND FRANCINE'S DUPLEX - DAY
Anne carries her bags back to her house. As she's unlocking
her front door, Francine pops out from her front door.
FRANCINE
Where's my hundred bucks?
Anne's eyes well with tears. She's at a total loss. Francine
sighs, feeling bad for her.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
You want to come in?
78.
83 83
INT. FRANCINE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Anne sits on the couch. She takes in the room: "As Seen On
TV" products, including a large collection of massage
devices. There's a framed photo of Paul Reubens on display.
Francine shuffles in with a tray of tea.
ANNE
Why do you have a photo of Pee-Wee
Herman?
FRANCINE
Who the hell is Pee-Wee Herman?
Francine, confused, looks to the photo Anne's referring to.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
That's Alan Cumming. From the Good
Wife. He's a wonderful actor. And
that Scottish accent of his. Mm.
ANNE
That's not Alan Cumming. That's
Paul Reubens. From Pee-Wee Herman.
FRANCINE
I think I would know who my
favorite actor is, thank you very
much. That is Alan Cumming!
No, it isn't. But Anne decides to let it go. Francine settles
into her chair.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
So. What's wrong with you?
ANNE
I don't know. I just -- I thought I
was happy with my life, but maybe I
wasn't. And maybe I never have
been. I've just always been scared.
Scared of being judged, or laughed
at. Or left.
Anne looks so small and sad. Francine studies her for a beat.
FRANCINE
When I was younger, I wasted so
much energy trying to get people to
like me. And for what?
(MORE)
79.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
So I could get invited to some
potluck dinner party and have to
get all dressed up, spend hours
baking a pie to bring over, and
then you get there and find out
everyone else was lazy and just
made a casserole. So the whole
dinner is ten pans of slop and one
pie. And then when the dinner is
finally, mercifully over, you think
you can leave, but no. They want to
play charades.
ANNE
Ugh. I hate charades.
FRANCINE
I love charades. I'm an excellent
guesser. As long as the person
acting out the clues isn't a total
imbecile. Which they usually are.
And after enough of these horrible
dinner parties and terrible games
of charades where you have to
scream over and over to remind
people to give the syllable count
first, you realize people aren't
worth the effort.
(then)
I've been alive a long time. I've
met a lot of people. And I've only
liked one.
ANNE
Is it me?
FRANCINE
No. You get too much mail.
Anne frowns. She was really expecting a yes.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
I like the guy that used to work at
the grocery store. He was good.
Look, the point is, don't waste
time trying to find happiness in
other people...
Anne looks at her, ready to be moved by her speech...
Blue (05/18/2022) 80.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
Because happiness does not exist.
Nothing in life is good. All there
is is bad and less bad.
Off Anne, horrified by this Ghost of Christmas Future...
84 84
EXT. STREET - ANOTHER DAY
Jenny walks down the street, looking sad. Her PHONE RINGS.
She digs around in her purse, finally finds it and answers.
JENNY
Hello?
MERCEDES (O.S.)
Hi! This is Mercedes, from Can't
Stop the Quiz.
JENNY
Oh. Hi.
MERCEDES (O.S.)
We want to put Anne on the show!
Can she fly out ASAP?
Jenny gasps with excitement, then remembers she's mad at
Anne.
JENNY
I'm sorry, I'm no longer a part of
her journey, so. You'll have to
call her directly.
Jenny hangs up. She holds for a beat, conflicting emotions
washing over her. She brushes it off, then keeps walking.
85 85
INT. ANNE'S CUBICLE - DAY
Anne is at her desk, looking at a website for selling her
eggs. She's grimacing. Her phone RINGS. She answers.
ANNE
Internal auditing.
MERCEDES (O.S.)
Hi! Is this Anne Yum?
Blue (05/18/2022) 81.
ANNE
Yes...
MERCEDES (O.S.)
This is Mercedes from the Quiz.
Great news! We'd love to have you
on the show! Any chance you could
fly out tonight?
ANNE
Tonight?!
Anne freezes. She looks at the egg selling website.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Um... I...
MERCEDES (O.S.)
I know it's last minute but we'd
really love to capitalize on the
buzz from your video--
Trav and Marge come into her cubicle, holding take-out sushi.
They sit and start eating, no idea Anne is there.
TRAV
I'm telling you, you're gonna be
regretting that extra spicy --
(notices Anne)
AHH!
Anne tries to shush them, straining to listen to Mercedes.
MERCEDES (O.S.)
And we need the information for
whoever you want to bring as your
partner for the Coin Round...
MARGE
Sorry, Fran. We thought you were
still on vacation.
ANNE
Were you eating lunch in here while
I was gone?
TRAV
Yeah, it's great. `Cause then the
smell stays in a place where we
aren't working.
Blue (05/18/2022) 82.
They go back to talking and eating as if Anne isn't there.
MERCEDES (O.S.)
Ms. Yum? Are you still there? We
need to book the tickets ASAP.
Anne glares at her coworkers, rage building, until:
ANNE
HEY! I am SICK of being treated
like some silent, invisible man! I
EXIST! And you might not see me
here, but tomorrow night you're
gonna see me on TV!
(into phone)
Book the ticket!
She storms out. BADASS MUSIC KICKS IN AS WE GO TO:
86 86
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - QUICK PACKING MONTAGE
Anne packs a suitcase. We see her pack a smart business
casual outfit, her own pillow, and a photo of Mr. Linguini.
87 87
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jenny sits at the same coffee shop as before. She looks sad
and lonely. She hears LAUGHTER. She looks over and sees:
A MOM and TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS. The big sister has a well-
loved stuffed bunny and is making it dance around for the
little sister, who's loving it. It's so sweet.
WENDY comes over, carrying a muffin on a plate.
WENDY
Hi!
JENNY
Danielle!
WENDY
Wendy. I wanted to give you this,
as a thank you.
JENNY
For what?
Pink (05/25/2022) 83.
WENDY
For inspiring me. You were right -
I was so focused on all the things
I couldn't do that I just quit. But
I can't let that stuff drag me
down. I just gotta bake. So I
convinced my boss to let me take
over the pastries. You changed my
life, Janet.
JENNY
Jenny.
Wendy walks off. Jenny kind of smiles to herself. She looks
back at the mom and daughters. The big sister makes the bunny
hug the little sister. The little sister hugs it back.
Jenny watches the moment, so touched. And then --
JENNY (CONT'D)
OH MY GOD!
Everyone looks at her, thrown by the outburst. After a beat,
Jenny bolts out the door, passing the sisters, who are now in
a knock-down drag-out fight for the bunny.
88 88
EXT. ANNE AND FRANCINE'S DUPLEX - DAY
Anne pounds on Francine's door. Francine opens it, annoyed.
ANNE
I need you to come with me to
California.
FRANCINE
No.
ANNE
I have to bring a partner, in case
the Coin lands on Show It. And I...
I don't have anyone else.
FRANCINE
What the hell is Show It?
Off Anne, excited to tell her that it's basically charades...
Pink (05/25/2022) 83A.
89 89
INT. JENNY'S CAR - DAY
Jenny is parked. She steels herself. Closes her eyes.
JENNY
I am strong.
She takes a deep breath, and gets out of the car.
Pink (05/25/2022) 84.
90 90
EXT. STRIP MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Jenny marches towards a storefront called CHOSEN FAMILY
CANINE RESCUE.
91 91
INT. CHOSEN FAMILY CANINE RESCUE - DAY
Jenny walks into a janky pet store. There are no customers. A
TOUGH GUY is at the counter. He looks over at her.
JENNY
I'm here to see Ken.
92 92
INT. CHOSEN FAMILY CANINE RESCUE - BACK ROOM - DAY
The tough guy shows Jenny to the surprisingly opulent BACK
ROOM, which we recognize as Ken's Den. A bunch of guys hang
out with dogs. Ken and Mr. Linguini wear matching shirts.
KEN
Who the hell is this?
JENNY
Crystal's other daughter.
KEN
How'd you find me?
JENNY
My ex-boyfriend is CIA.
KEN
Coming here was a big mistake.
JENNY
So was messing with my sister.
Because now you're messing with me.
You want the money? I'll get you
the money. But first you're gonna
give me back that dog.
KEN
Actually I'm gonna break your legs.
Pink (05/25/2022) 85.
His guys go to grab her, she immediately goes hysterical --
JENNY
No wait!!! I'll give you double!! I
swear! I'm about to get a VERY
large cash settlement from
Choochie's! Yeah, the nationwide
chain Choochie's!! You've seen
their commercials, they're rich! If
you give me that dog back right
now, I'll pay double! In seven to
ten business days, maybe a little
longer, apparently Monday is a
holiday in some religion but I
don't know which one!!!
She's crying. Ken laughs.
KEN
You are just like your mom. She
used to do the same crazy, crying,
screaming shit. I'm done falling
for that.
Jenny looks up at Ken, no longer hysterical. Resolved.
JENNY
I am not my mom. Because I'm
actually here. That dog has been by
my sister's side for over twenty
years.
KEN
What? How old is he?
JENNY
OLD. Annie has kept him alive for a
miraculously long time. Because
even though she's a painfully
awkward, annoying little know-it-
all, she takes care of the people
around her. And Mr. Linguini is the
only one in her life that has never
let her down. She needs him. Just
like you need my money.
(off Ken's look)
Yeah. I did my research. I know
you're three months behind on rent.
Must be hard to launder cash when
you don't have any.
Pink (05/25/2022) 86.
Ken eyes his guys, nervous. The guys look confused.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Oh did you guys not know? Wow, Ken.
Me and my big ass computer know
more about your tong than they do?
Shame. Where'd the money go, huh?
Up your nose?
Ken, sensing he has to come clean --
KEN
It's the dogs.
(sighs, then)
If someone had kidnapped my
Jonathan, God rest his soul --
Ken looks to a FRAMED PHOTO of a beautiful golden retriever.
KEN (CONT'D)
I would've paid anything to get him
back. But these people... they're
monsters. Half of them never show
up for their dogs. And the
purebreds have issues, you know?
Skin problems, kidney problems -- I
gotta give Crispy an IV every
goddamn day!
CRISPY, an older purebred dog, is in the corner with an IV.
KEN (CONT'D)
But what am I supposed to do?!
JENNY
Give me Mr. Linguini. And as soon
as I get my big beautiful
Choochie's check, I'll give you
enough money to solve all your
problems. Do we have a deal?
Ken looks at Jenny, conflicted...
93 93
EXT. CHOSEN FAMILY CANINE RESCUE - DAY
Jenny, clutching Linguini, runs for her car. Ken, his guys,
and dogs chase her. She ducks throwing stars. It's CHAOS.
Pink (05/25/2022) 87.
94 94
OMITTED
95 95
EXT. STUDIO LOT - DAY
QUICK POPS OF:
Anne and Francine walking through the iconic studio gates and
fountain, past a HARRIED ASSISTANT carrying a pyramid of boba
drinks.
Some CREW carrying a LARGE, STRANGE PIECE OF SET DEC.
A GOLF CART goes by, with a WEIRD CHARACTER on the back of
it, drinking a boba tea. Francine stares, perplexed. Anne
pulls her along.
96 96
OMITTED
97 97
INT. CSQ STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - DAY
Mercedes leads Anne and Francine through doors.
MERCEDES
And you can just follow me this way
to the green room --
Anne notices -- THE HALLWAY IS LINED WITH ALL OF TERRY'S
BOWTIES. Mercedes notices Anne's awe.
MERCEDES (CONT'D)
Pretty amazing, right? You know
he's never worn the same one twice.
Anne stops in front of a specific bowtie, which eagle-eyed
viewers will recognize from the show Anne was watching when
her dad left in the opening.
She looks at it for an emotional beat.
FRANCINE
What, you've never seen a tie
before? Let's go!
Anne moves off, following Francine and Mercedes.
98 98
OMITTED
Pink (05/25/2022) 88.
99 99
INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - LATER
Anne stands, in her show outfit and hair and make-up, while a
sound guy mics her. She hears, approaching --
RON HEACOCK (O.S.)
Big show tonight! Here we go!
She turns and sees RON HEACOCK, in the flesh, smiling
broadly, greeting crew members as if he's the mayor. And
wearing a bowtie. Anne glares at the bowtie. Ron sees her.
RON HEACOCK (CONT'D)
Oh hi there! I'm Ron. I'd shake
your hand but...
He holds up his made-up hands as if to say "they're wet".
RON HEACOCK (CONT'D)
Did you have a good flight? Great,
great. Hey I want to apologize.
Anne looks at him, thrown by the kindness.
ANNE
Why?
RON HEACOCK
Well, you're obviously a huge fan
of the show, and it's such a bummer
that you finally get to be here and
the whole night is just going to be
all about me winning my 84th game
and becoming the longest running
champion. It's so unfair to you.
Ron starts off. Anne blurts --
ANNE
Do you want to be Terry? Is that
why you pretend to be nice? So you
can take over one day?
RON HEACOCK
What? Terry is beloved by the
entire world.
(MORE)
Green (06/03/2022) 89.
RON HEACOCK (CONT'D)
I would be crazy to think I could
ever fill his shoes. And I'm not
pretending, I really am nice.
(then)
Well I won't keep ya, I know you
need to get into hair and make-up.
ANNE
I already am.
RON HEACOCK
Oh.
(noticing)
There he is!
Anne turns to see: TERRY. IN THE FLESH. WALKING UP TO THEM.
Anne stares, completely gobsmacked. Terry smiles warmly at
Anne, so humble and kind.
TERRY
Hello, Anne. I'm Terry.
Anne's eyes bulge a little. Did he really just say her name?
TERRY (CONT'D)
Welcome to the show. Your video was
very impressive.
RON HEACOCK
Yeah, it was freakishly great.
Terry looks at Ron, clocking the bowtie. We can tell there's
a hint of contempt, but Terry is a consummate professional so
it's well-hidden.
TERRY
Hello, Ron.
GLENN (O.S.)
Two minutes! Places, everyone!
RON
See you onstage, Terry.
Ron winks, moving off towards the stage. We hear cheers from
the crowd as he walks out. Terry turns back to Anne.
TERRY
Remember, we're here to learn and
have fun. Don't worry about
winning.
Green (06/03/2022) 89A.
ANNE
(blurts)
I need to win to save my dog.
TERRY
Oh. Well... good luck.
He goes onstage. As he walks out, the studio audience CHEERS!
Green (06/03/2022) 90.
Anne, heart pounding, steps into the BRIGHT STAGE LIGHTS.
100 100
INT. STUDIO - CSQ SET - MOMENTS LATER
Anne is at her podium. She looks to Ron Heacock, who's
primping. She glances at LEAH, the third contestant, who's
waving at her FAMILY in the audience.
She eyes Terry, across the stage. He gives her a supportive
thumbs up. She almost barfs. He looks concerned.
A STAGE MANAGER, GLENN, calls from behind camera:
GLENN
We're live in five, four, three...
He gestures "two, one" and points to Terry --
TERRY
It's seven o'clock on a weeknight,
you know what that means. It's time
for Can't Stop the Quiz.
101 101
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
The bar is packed with Phillies fans watching a game. Except
for Darryl, who's glued to the one TV playing CSQ.
DARRYL
Come on, Quiz Lady, let's do this!
Janine eyes him, thinking it's sweet how invested he is.
102 102
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - NIGHT
Ben Franklin watches on his phone, hidden at his desk.
BEN FRANKLIN
Godspeed, Miss Yum!
103 103
INT. SOME BAR IN DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH - NIGHT
Trav and Marge are picking at Happy Hour apps. Anne is on TV
behind them, but they're not paying attention.
Pink (05/25/2022) 91.
TRAV
Dude, I swear they changed the
breading on the mozzarella sticks.
104 104
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
TERRY
I'm your host Terry McTeer. Let's
meet tonight's contestants. Of
course we all know our returning
champion, Ron Heacock, who's going
for the record tonight.
RON HEACOCK
Oh is that tonight?
The audience laughs. Terry politely chuckles.
TERRY
And I see you've stolen my look.
RON HEACOCK
Well Terry, it's a big night, and I
wanted to honor you.
The audience awws.
TERRY
Thank you. Also joining us tonight
is someone you might recognize from
your computers, the famous Quiz
Lady. Welcome, Anne.
Anne, lost in panic, flinches at the sound of her name.
ANNE
What?
TERRY
Welcome.
ANNE
Oh. You too.
Anne forces a deeply uncomfortable smile.
TERRY
... and welcome Leah, from Cedar
Rapids, Iowa. Best of luck. Let's
see tonight's categories.
Pink (05/25/2022) 92.
Categories appear: MUSIC, LITERATURE, BIOLOGY, SPORTS, FOOD &
DRINK, THE RENAISSANCE, LANGUAGE, EARTH SCIENCE.
TERRY (CONT'D)
May I have five minutes on the
clock please? And your time...
starts... NOW!
Anne reflexively reaches to put a hand on Mr. Linguini, just
like she always does, but he's not there.
TERRY (CONT'D)
The Striding Man is the logo of
which spirits company?
ANNE
Johnnie--
At the same time, Ron buzzes in. Anne forgot to buzz!
RON HEACOCK
Johnnie Walker.
TERRY
Correct! Who wrote Jane Eyre?
Anne tries to buzz but DROPS HER BUZZER. Leah buzzes in.
LEAH
Emily Bronte.
TERRY
Oh no!
Leah's score drops to -100. Ron buzzes in --
RON HEACOCK
So close, Leah! But it was actually
Charlotte Bronte.
Anne glares at Ron, hating the condescension.
TERRY
Correct! What does an oologist
study?
Anne, still distracted by Ron, buzzes in.
ANNE
Animals!
Green (06/03/2022) 93.
TERRY
Oh no!
Anne looks -- what? Ron buzzes in.
RON HEACOCK
Eggs.
ANNE
You said oologist?
TERRY
I did. What NBA team holds the
record for most wins in a season?
(Ron buzzes in)
Ron.
Ron clocks that Anne is completely blank. He grins.
RON HEACOCK
The Golden State Warriors.
105 105
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
Darryl and Janine are watching, Darryl can barely look.
DARRYL
She's blowin' it.
106 106
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
Leah is at 0. Anne is at -100. Ron is at 23,000. Less than 20
seconds left on the clock!
TERRY
What qualitative scale is used to
rate minerals in terms of scratch
resistance?
Ron and Leah think, no idea. Anne, caught up in self-
loathing, takes a second to register the question, but then
realizes -- it's about rocks! She buzzes in.
ANNE
Mohs Hardness Scale!
TERRY
Correct!
Green (06/03/2022) 94.
Her score goes up to 400.
TERRY (CONT'D)
What is the only mammal that can't--
THE END OF THE ROUND SOUND CUE.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Ohhh! I guess we'll never know.
That's a shame, I love the animal
ones.
RON HEACOCK
Was it the elephant?
TERRY
(checks card)
Yes, it was!
RON HEACOCK
(proud, to audience)
They can't jump.
TERRY
Wow. When we return, Ron and Anne
will compete Head to Head! Don't go
anywhere. I know I won't.
GLENN
... and we're out!
Leah is ushered offstage. Terry comes over to Anne.
TERRY
Are you ok? You seem deeply unwell.
Anne manages a nod. Terry moves off. And then Anne hears--
JENNY (O.S.)
Get your hands off me! I need to
get in there, it's an emergency!
Jenny is with MARTY THE SECURITY GUARD. Anne hurries over.
JENNY (CONT'D)
If you don't let us in, I will sue
you into oblivion! He's a service
dog! He keeps me from fainting!
Anne notices -- with Jenny, in a little service dog vest --
Green (06/03/2022) 94A.
ANNE
LINGUINI!!!
She drops to her knees and holds out her arms. Mr. Linguini
stands there for a second. Anne's smile falters -- has he
forgotten her? But then... his TAIL WAGS. He hobbles to her.
ANNE (CONT'D)
Oh Linguini I missed you so much!
(to Jenny)
Thank god you got him back, there's
no way I can win the money. Quick,
create a distraction so I can get
out of here. Do the fries thing!
Pink (05/25/2022) 95.
Anne picks up Linguini and tries to bolt for the door.
JENNY
No. I am not letting you run away.
You can do this. You know why?
ANNE
Because I'm strong?
JENNY
Because you know this game. Just
like you know literally everything
else. So play the same way you
always have. Like a winner.
A beat as Anne takes this in.
GLENN
Thirty seconds everybody!
Anne, clutching Mr. Linguini, goes to her mark.
RON HEACOCK
You can't have a dog up here!
Anne looks down, she forgot she was holding him.
ANNE
Oh, sorry, I --
(then, confident)
You know what? I want him with me.
And I don't care if that's weird.
(then, less confident)
Is it okay if he's with me?
TERRY
Gosh I don't know. No one's ever
asked that before. Glenn, can she --
GLENN
No. We're live in fifteen!
A PA comes to take Mr. Linguini away. Anne hesitates.
JENNY
Hey the Quiz Lady should have her
famous Quiz dog with her, right?
(chanting)
QUIZ DOG! QUIZ DOG! QUIZ DOG!
Green (06/03/2022) 96.
People slowly join until the audience and crew are all
chanting. Glenn, SO overwhelmed and annoyed, finally snaps --
GLENN
Fine! The dog can stay!
Everyone cheers! Jenny smiles, proud.
JENNY
Chanting always works.
GLENN
We're live!!!
TERRY
Welcome back! We have a special
guest joining us for the Head to
Head, please welcome Mr. Linguini!
Hello there, sir.
Terry notices the service dog vest.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Oh and thank you for your service.
Ron, please select Anne's first
category.
RON HEACOCK
Hmm. How about... Sports.
He smiles at her, thinking that's her weakest category. Anne
puts a hand on Mr. Linguini. She's ready.
TERRY
Anne, please list for us... NFL
Teams with More than One Super Bowl
Win! Your time. Starts. Now!
Anne takes a second to collect herself, then launches into--
ANNE
Steelers, Patriots, 49ers, Cowboys,
Giants, Packers, Broncos, Raiders,
Washington, Chiefs, Colts, Rams,
Ravens, Dolphins, Buccaneers.
107 107
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
The Phillies fans BOO every name she says, but in a way
that's also clear they're rooting for Anne.
Green (06/03/2022) 97.
DARRYL
Here we go! It's a comeback jawn!
108 108
INT. CSQ STUDIO - HEAD TO HEAD MONTAGE - DAY
TERRY
Ron, please list for us... the
Geological Eras of Earth!
RON HEACOCK
Cenozoic, Mesozoic, Paleozoic,
Mesoproterozoic, Neoarchean,
Mesoarchean, Paleoarchean...
As we move through the montage, we see Anne and Ron's scores
both climbing, but Anne's closing the gap!
TERRY
One Syllable Words with No Rhymes!
ANNE
Whilst, angst, cusp, breadth...
109 109
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - NIGHT
ANNE (ON SCREEN)
... ninth, glimpsed, goonch,
sculpts, borscht, oomph, twelfth...
BEN FRANKLIN
Goonch. That's a new one.
110 110
INT. CSQ STUDIO - HEAD TO HEAD MONTAGE - DAY
TERRY
Playable Characters in Mario Kart
64!
RON HEACOCK
Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach,
Yoshi, Toad, Donkey Kong, and
Bowser.
EHH. Bowser is incorrect. Ron's eyes go wide, completely
thrown. He was so sure that was right.
Pink (05/25/2022) 98.
111 111
INT. PHILLY SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
The fans watch Anne list CRUCIFEROUS VEGETABLES.
TERRY (ON TV)
Cruciferous Vegetables!
ANNE (ON TV)
Broccoli, cauliflower, horseradish,
kale, cabbage, kohlrabi, bok choy --
JANINE
YEAH QUIZ LADY! LIST THOSE
VEGETABLES!
112 112
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
Ron is flustered as he lists CLASSICAL ERA COMPOSERS.
RON HEACOCK
Beethoven, um, Mozart, and -- oh my
god what is -- Salieri! Strauss --
(EHH)
Oh right, he's from the Romantic
era. Which one could argue is still
classical, but...
(huffs, gets back into it)
Um, Beethoven --
(EHH)
Right I said that. Ha. Wish I had a
support dog!
Anne flies through her final round: SIMPLE MACHINES (from the
broader RENAISSANCE category) her score ticking up and up!
ANNE
Lever, pulley, wedge, screw, wheel
and axle, inclined plane!
TERRY
And that's all of them! You
finished with twenty-four seconds
remaining, which means you get a
bonus of 24,000 dollars!
The audience cheers! Ron is just barely concealing his rage.
TERRY (CONT'D)
I believe that's a new record!
Pink (05/25/2022) 99.
Terry looks to the wings, where MERCEDES stands with the
ANSWER-CHECKERS, at computer monitors. She gives a thumbs up.
TERRY (CONT'D)
It is! That is the highest bonus in
the history of the show!
The crowd is going wild. Ron's fists are SO clenched.
RON HEACOCK
That's amazing! Great job!
TERRY
What a comeback! This is just like
that classic sports film Mighty
Ducks 2. Have you seen it? It's
wonderful. Will the comeback
continue or will another record be
broken tonight by Ron winning his
84th game? It all depends on the
Final Round. Time for the flip!
A stagehand brings out THE COIN. Anne slowly moves towards it
in sheer terror. As she does, a PA takes Mr. Linguini.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Ron, you have the honors.
Ron FLIPS THE COIN. As it spins in the air, Anne prays for
"Say It!" It slowly lands on... SHOW IT! Anne deflates.
AUDIENCE (O.S.)
Show It!
ANGLE ON: Jenny and Francine in the audience. Jenny looks
horrified. Francine has the slightest hint of a smile.
FRANCINE
Charades.
TERRY
When we return, Anne and Ron will
compete in Show It!
GLENN
And we're out!
Ron turns on Anne, triumphantly smug.
Pink (05/25/2022) 100.
RON HEACOCK
Your booksmarts don't mean shit
when you're out there in the
spotlight. You're toast.
He walks off. Anne starts to panic. She hurries off.
113 113
INT. CSQ STUDIO - HALL OF BOWTIES - DAY
Anne ducks into the hall of bowties. She bumps into Terry!
They startle each other. Terry coughs --
ANNE
I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
TERRY
(coughing)
Yeah, just -- down the wrong pipe.
Anne notices he's holding a roll of NECCO WAFERS.
ANNE
I thought you ate crackers during
the commercials.
TERRY
You caught me. My wife Cecilia
worries about my sugar intake so I
say it's crackers. Eats me up
inside to lie to her but I just
can't stay away from these things.
They're my guilty pleasure.
He eats another Necco wafer. It's so, so dry.
TERRY (CONT'D)
What are you hiding from?
Anne looks at him, hesitant to admit, but...
ANNE
I can't do this. All these people
watching and -- I'm going to lose.
Anne looks so defeated. Terry looks to a bowtie on the wall.
101.
TERRY
You know, every time I see this
bowtie I think about one of the
contestants that night, Oscar from
Texas. He and I had the most
wonderful conversation about how he
makes his own jam. He liked to try
wild combinations like blueberry
rhubarb. He was like an artist, but
with jam.
(re: another bowtie)
This was the night that Aparna from
New Jersey played her mandolin for
us during a commercial break.
(re: another bowtie)
That night, Mike from Maine brought
me a snowball in a cooler because
he remembered me saying I missed
New England winters. Great guy.
(then)
None of them won their games. Like
most contestants, they were just
here for one night. But I don't
think of them as failures. I'm just
glad I got to meet them. And that
they got a chance to play.
Terry looks at Anne.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Don't ruin what might be your only
night here by making it all about
winning or losing. Think about what
you'll want to remember. For me, no
matter who wins...
(re: his bowtie)
This one will always remind me of
Anne from Pennsylvania, who brought
her dog.
This lands on Anne. Glenn hurries in, sees Anne.
GLENN
There you are! We need you onstage!
Terry quickly hides the Necco wafers in his pocket.
TERRY
Be right there! Thanks Glenn!
(then, to Anne)
Ready?
Green (06/03/2022) 102.
Anne doesn't really nod, but she does start walking.
114 114
INT. CSQ STUDIO - SET - CONTINUOUS
Anne follows Glenn towards the stage, where Francine is
waiting with BART. Anne passes JENNY IN THE WINGS, talking
with Mercedes --
JENNY
-- and legally you have to allow
service animals. But also it's the
right thing to do. Not just for
Anne but for society --
MERCEDES
Yeah. That's clearly a fake vest
though.
Anne stops.
ANNE
I want to change my partner.
GLENN
What?
ANNE
I want to play with my sister.
Jenny!
Anne waves Jenny over. Glenn calls over to Terry, who's
getting final touches.
GLENN
Terry, can she change her partner?
TERRY
It's her game.
Jenny comes up to Anne.
JENNY
You want me to guess? But I don't
know anything.
ANNE
You know me. And win or lose, I
want to do it together.
They share a small smile. A nice emotional moment.
Green (06/03/2022) 102A.
Reveal Francine is watching them, ABSOLUTELY. LIVID.
FRANCINE
I came all this way...
ANNE
I'm sorry, Francine--
GLENN
Ma'am, if I could get you and the
dog back to your seat.
Pink (05/25/2022) 103.
The PA hands Linguini's leash to Francine and ushers them
off. As she goes, Francine turns back --
FRANCINE
I hope you lose.
GLENN
Live in five, four, three--
RON HEACOCK
She can't change partners! This is
so unfair, what else are you gonna
do, give her all the answers --
They go live, and Ron immediately stops ranting and smiles.
TERRY
Welcome back! I hope you enjoyed
your break. Joining us for the
Final Round is Ron's friend, Bart.
And Anne's sister... I'm so sorry,
I never got your name.
JENNY
Jenny.
Jenny does a very influencer-y pose for the camera.
TERRY
Jenny. Hi I'm Terry. Ron, you and
Bart are up first. Good luck.
Ron and Bart take their places on stage.
TERRY (CONT'D)
And your time. Starts. Now!
Ron sees his first clue: MAGNA CARTA. Ron does VERY
performative pantomime as Bart methodically guesses:
BART
Book. Magazine. Small magazine.
Zine. Mag. Shopping. Cart. King.
Mag. Cart. King. Magna Carta.
DING! Next clue: INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. Ron points up.
BART (CONT'D)
Sky. Space.
Ron taps his nose. Space. He mimes telling a dog to stay.
104.
BART (CONT'D)
Dog. Stay. Space. Stay.
Ron mimes shunning someone.
BART (CONT'D)
Shun. Space. Stay. Shun.
International Space Station.
DING! Next clue: MOROCCO. Ron traces Africa in the air.
BART (CONT'D)
Africa.
Ron points to where Morocco would be.
BART (CONT'D)
Morocco.
DING! Next clue: APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. Ron mimes pulling an
apple off a tree, taking a bite, then squishing it.
BART (CONT'D)
Apple. Smash. Apple cider.
Ron mimes taking a sip of it and grimaces, so sour!
BART (CONT'D)
Apple cider vinegar.
DING! Next clue: MARGARET THATCHER. Ron mimes digging up
grass and putting it on the roof of a house. Bart watches,
waiting. He's not going to guess until he knows...
BART (CONT'D)
Thatched roof. Thatch.
Ron mimes the hourglass "woman" shape. Anne and Jenny look
grossed out.
BART (CONT'D)
Woman. Thatch. Margaret Thatcher.
END OF THE ROUND SOUND CUE.
TERRY
And that's time. Ron, you got five.
Which brings your total to a
whopping fifty-one thousand.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 105.
RON HEACOCK
YEAH!!! Heck yeah, bro!
Ron tries to do a bro-handshake/hug with Bart. It's awkward.
TERRY
But one thing stands between you
and victory. Well actually two.
Anne and Jenny!
Anne and Jenny take their places on stage. As Anne passes
Ron, he smiles cockily at her. But then Jenny trips Ron. He
almost falls but catches himself.
JENNY
Oh my gosh, are you okay?!
TERRY
Anne, Jenny. You'll need at least
nine in order to win. And your
time. Starts. Now!
Anne looks at the audience, the cameras, Terry... all staring
at her. Her nightmare. She looks at the first clue -- "STOCK
MARKET". Panicking, she mimes being locked in wooden stocks.
JENNY
Dead? Melting!
Anne feels dumb, waves it off. Tries something else. She
mimes a STORK by flapping wings and then cradling a baby.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Bird baby!
Anne waves it off.. Panic is setting in! But then she sees
TERRY. He gives her a nod. Keep going.
Anne takes a deep breath to reset. And then, gets an idea...
she mimes a BORING OLD MAN. She looks INSANE.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Uncle Dong?
Anne nods! She goes back into Uncle Dong mode and mimes
droning on and on about something boring.
JENNY (CONT'D)
The stock market!
Yellow (05/27/2022) 106.
Next clue: "KRISTI YAMAGUCHI". Anne points at Jenny, mimes
desperately praying, then does a figure skating flourish.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Kristi Yamaguchi!!!
Next clue: KETCHUP. Anne points at Jenny and mimes a martial
arts kick.
JENNY (CONT'D)
KETCHUP!
RON HEACOCK
How is that ketchup???
DING! Next clue: THE BEATLES. Anne points at Jenny and mimes
being confused, like "this isn't good", does a thumbs down.
JENNY
Me! What? Bad! The Beatles!!
DING! Next clue: GLUESTICK. Anne points at herself and mimes
putting on chapstick and not being able to open her mouth.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Gluestick!
DING! Next clue: CHEESECAKE. Anne mimes: "me? No. You? Oh
hell yeah"
JENNY (CONT'D)
You no me oh hell yeah cheesecake!
Ron is flabbergasted -- how are they doing this?! He looks to
Bart, like "can you believe this??" but Bart is just intently
studying them, trying to figure out how they're so good.
Next clue: SHADOW. Anne looks sad and holds up her hand as if
she's a dog with a hurt paw.
JENNY (CONT'D)
The sad old dog from Homeward
Bound! Shadow!
DING! Next clue: TAKING OUT THE TRASH. Anne just heavily
sighs. Jenny, instantly --
JENNY (CONT'D)
Taking out the trash!
DING! Next clue: HERO. Anne does a SUPERHERO POSE.
Yellow (05/27/2022) 106A.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Wonder Woman! Catwoman! Marvel
Woman!
Anne mimes like: "overarching"
Green (06/03/2022) 107.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Umbrella woman! Umbrella man!
Umbrella boy!!
Anne panics, the clock is ticking!!! Suddenly, Anne gets an
idea! She mimes digging a hole and squatting over it.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Shit in a hole?
TERRY
Oops, no swearing!
JENNY
Shoot! Shoot in a hole!
Anne mimes: "not me. You!"
JENNY (CONT'D)
Embarrassed! Starbucks! TANKINI!
Anne panics -- time is almost out!! She gets down, makes
herself look small and scared, then points at Jenny, and
steps in front of "little kid Anne", posing like a superhero.
Jenny realizes what the word is. It means so, so much to her.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Hero?
Anne looks at her. Yeah. Hero. THE END OF ROUND BUZZER
SOUNDS! The crowd goes wild!! Except for Francine, who is
still livid.
115 115
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
The Phillies fans, Darryl, and Janine GO CRAZY!
116 116
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - TAVERN - NIGHT
Ben Franklin, watching the show on his iPhone, CHEERS!
117 117
INT. SOME BAR IN DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH - NIGHT
The whole bar goes crazy celebrating Anne's win! Trav and
Marge cheer with them. Trav sidles up to a WOMAN.
Pink (05/25/2022) 108.
TRAV
You know that Quiz Lady is my best
friend. We eat lunch together.
118 118
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
Terry comes on stage to join Anne and Jenny.
TERRY
Well folks, we have a new champion--
RON HEACOCK
No no no no no NO! She cheated! She
brought a dog, she changed
partners, they used some like
ancient Chinese mindmeld--
JENNY
(gasp, to herself)
Actual racism.
TERRY
None of that is against the rules.
You could've changed your partner.
RON HEACOCK
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah I'm gonna pay Bart to be
here and not use him. Just admit
it, Terry. You wanted me to lose.
You've always been threatened by
me!! Because I'm young and exciting
and you're just a boring old man!!
EVERYONE GASPS. Terry stares at Ron for a moment.
TERRY
Buzz off, Ron.
People are stunned! Terry smiles confidently at the camera.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Would a boring old man say that?
Congratulations Anne, you're our
new Quiz champion!
The audience rushes the stage! PAs try to hold them back, but
then give up, swept up in joy. Bart ushers Ron off --
Green (06/03/2022) 108A.
RON HEACOCK
This was supposed to be my night!
As the crowd surrounds Anne, Ron notices a KIND OLDER WOMAN
(maybe his mom?) in the wings holding up a RON WON t-shirt.
He snatches it out of her hands.
RON HEACOCK (CONT'D)
Get this out of here! Weren't you
paying attention?! I lost! It's
over!
He cries into the t-shirt, getting make-up all over it.
On stage, Jenny starts a chant:
JENNY
Anne! Anne! Anne!
109.
Everyone joins in! Terry, delighted by it, yells over them:
TERRY
Join us tomorrow for another night
of fast facts and live learning!
I'm Terry McTeer and I'll be right--
He tries to jump to his mark, but Anne's fans are in the way.
Terry laughs, kind of shrugs.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Here. Have a good night!
Terry looks at Anne, surrounded by her fans. Mr. Linguini is
hoisted in the air. He smiles at her. Anne grins back.
119 119
EXT. STUDIO LOT - DAY
Jenny, Anne, Mr. Linguini, and Francine walk out from set.
JENNY
You did it!!!
ANNE
We did it.
FRANCINE
You bring me all this way, on the
promise that I might get to play
charades. And it was all A LIE!!!
JENNY
If you're gonna be this miserable,
can you just die? You're ruining
her moment!
FRANCINE
Moment. Pff. Look at the two of
you, running around, searching for
happiness. It's deranged. Just
accept the fact that nothing will
ever make your life better, because
life is, and will always be --
Francine notices something off-screen. Her eyes go WIDE,
filled with REMARKABLE JOY.
FRANCINE (CONT'D)
-- a miracle.
Pink (05/25/2022) 110.
Anne and Jenny follow her gaze and see --
PAUL REUBENS. Driving a golf cart. He's glistening in the
sunlight like a golden god.
Anne steps in front of the golf cart, forcing it to stop.
ANNE
Hi! Scuse me. Sorry to bother you,
but she is a huge fan.
She gestures to Francine, who is nearly catatonic.
PAUL REUBENS
I love that story!
JENNY
Maybe you could give her a ride in
your golf cart?
He's hesitant. Anne sidles up to him.
ANNE
Please? She's only got a month to
live. She has a rare disease where
her intestines grow like an
invasive weed--
PAUL REUBENS
Alright, alright. Hop on.
ANNE
(quickly)
And she thinks you're Alan Cumming
so just play along. He's Scottish.
Francine is already in the cart, so he has no choice.
FRANCINE
You're excellent in The Good Wife.
Excellent.
PAUL REUBENS
(the best Scottish accent
he can muster)
Oh what a bonnie lass. Thank ye for
the bloody wonderful praise.
Jenny and Anne watch the cart drive off.
Blue (05/18/2022) 111.
120 120
EXT. PARKING GARAGE ROOFTOP - MAGIC HOUR
Jenny, Anne, Mr. Linguini, walk to Anne's RENTAL CAR, parked
on the roof. Jenny notices the panoramic view of Los Angeles.
JENNY
Look at it. It's so beautiful.
Anne joins Jenny by the ledge, taking in the view.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Where's Burbank from here?
ANNE
Over there. By the mountains.
JENNY
Wow.
A beat as Jenny takes in the view.
JENNY (CONT'D)
I always thought my destiny was out
there.
ANNE
Maybe it is.
JENNY
Nah. It's just Burbank.
A beat.
JENNY (CONT'D)
I shouldn't have left you alone
with Mom.
ANNE
I'm sorry I ruined our chance of
living with the cool cousins.
JENNY
It wasn't your fault. They always
thought we were the losers of the
family.
ANNE
Well we sort of were.
JENNY
Not today.
Pink (05/25/2022) 112.
They smile at each other. A nice moment.
ANNE
I love you, Jenny.
JENNY
I love you too.
They hug. As they walk back to Anne's car...
ANNE
You know, I'm gonna have to stay
out here for a little while.
JENNY
Ooh, it's giving confidence.
ANNE
Want to stay with me? We make a
pretty good team.
JENNY
Yeah we do.
(gasp)
I can coordinate our outfits! I
have the most amazing sleeveless
chartreuse blazer, it would look so
good on you.
ANNE
I am not wearing that.
JENNY
At least try it on.
ANNE
Nothing chartreuse is going on my
body. Ever.
As they continue their now light-hearted, loving sisterly
bickering... text appears on screen: Anne went on to win 93
games, making her the longest running Quiz Champion in
history.
121 121
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
Immediately following Anne's win, with everyone celebrating.
We find Ron Heacock and FREEZE FRAME on him ugly-crying.
Pink (05/25/2022) 112A.
TEXT: Ron Heacock's public meltdown served as a wake up call
and he started going to therapy. It's been really great for
him! He's a much better person now.
Pink (05/25/2022) 113.
We FREEZE FRAME on Bart, trying to calm Ron down. TEXT: Bart
returned to his job as a codebreaker for the CIA, where,
small world, his co-worker is Jenny's ex-boyfriend Chad!
122 122
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
FREEZE on Mr. Linguini hoisted in the air during the
celebration of Anne's win. Mr. Linguini became a social media
star, and he makes hundreds of thousands of dollars per
sponsored post. This makes him richer than most families and
proves that capitalism has maybe gone too far.
123A 123A
INT. CSQ STUDIO - HALL OF BOWTIES - DAY
Terry and Anne are in the hallway, hanging up the bowtie from
Anne's first game. Terry lets Anne do the honors. Terry and
Anne became good friends. He even gave her the honors of
hanging her first bowtie.
Anne struggles to reach the spot where it's supposed to hang.
Terry has to step in to help. Or he tried to, at least.
123 123
EXT. STUDIO LOT - DAY
We FREEZE ON Francine riding with Paul Reubens. Oh, right,
Francine! She died. Happy.
124 124
INT. FANCY CORPORATE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
We see JENNY, HER SKETCHY LAWYER, and ONE VERY ANNOYED FANCY
LAWYER in a fancy corporate conference room holding an
ENORMOUS NOVELTY CHOOCHIE'S CHECK, posing for a photo. Jenny
finally got her Choochie's check! It was for truly an obscene
amount of money. We see the amount on the check is BLURRED.
125 125
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
We FREEZE FRAME on a RANDOM GUY from the Philly sports bar
scene. This guy turned out to be a murderer!
126 126
INT. CHOSEN FAMILY CANINE RESCUE - BACK ROOM - DAY
Ken opens an envelope. Jenny stayed true to her word and paid
double what her mom owed. She even threw in a lifetime supply
of free Choochie's. Ken holds up a SPARKLING RED CREDIT CARD.
Pink (05/25/2022) 113A.
127 127
INT. CHOOCHIE'S - DAY
Ken and his guys at a booth in Choochie's. They eat lunch
there every day now. And they all get fajitas. Which are
great! But it's hard when EVERYONE gets them, you know?
Waiters struggle to place down several sizzling pans. Ken's
guys try to make room, but there just isn't enough space.
Green (06/03/2022) 114.
128 128
INT. BEN FRANKLIN INN & SPA - DAY
Ben Franklin, using a quill pen, smiling with perfect teeth.
Ben Franklin got his braces off and was able to live full
time as a period-accurate Ben Franklin. He even stopped using
phones and computers. That's all Tina's job now.
We see, behind Ben Franklin, Tina is on the phone.
129 129
INT. CSQ STUDIO - DAY
FREEZE FRAME on Terry telling Ron to buzz off. Terry's "buzz
off, Ron" became a wildly popular meme and cemented Terry as
a cultural icon.
130 130
EXT. BEAUTIFUL CALIFORNIA MANSION - DAY
We find Jenny, in a tankini, lounging by a POOL. Jenny used
(some of) her Choochie's money to buy a house in California.
REVEAL Jenny's house is an insanely opulent ENORMOUS GAUDY
MANSION. And she bought a matching one...
We find a SMALLER VERSION OF THE SAME MANSION. For Mr.
Linguini. REVEAL: Mr. Linguini is asleep inside/out front.
Anne has her own guest wing at Jenny's.
We find Anne reading in the garden.
A UNIFORMED BUTLER brings Jenny a spa water. Jenny sits up to
drink it and waves to Anne. Anne waves back. And Anne got a
job where she's appreciated.
131 131
EXT. STUDIO LOT - DAY
Anne walks into a bungalow, past a sign: QUIZ WRITERS.
132 132
INT. ANNE'S CSQ OFFICE - DAY
Anne, at her computer, in the zone as she writes questions.
On her desk, a FRAMED PHOTO of her and Jenny, grinning on the
set of CSQ, right after Anne won her first game.
THE END
| Quiz Lady
Writers : Jen D'Angelo
Genres : Comedy
User Comments
|
|
