SNL 1975
Written by
Gil Kenan & Jason Reitman
The following movie takes place in real time between
10:00pm and 11:30pm on October 11th, 1975. The audience is
a fly on the wall for this straight shot roller coaster,
all leading to the very first declaration by Chevy Chase -
"Live From New York, It's Saturday Night!"
We will film as an ensemble inside a living/breathing
fully recreated Studio 8H at Rockefeller Center. The tone
is hyperreal and should be brought to life with wild-
hearted abandon for the cast and crew that changed
television forever.
White Draft 1/18/24
Pink Revisions 2/08/24
Yellow Revisions 2/29/24
Green Revisions 3/05/24
Goldenrod Revisions 3/08/24
Salmon Revisions 3/24/24
2nd White Revisions 4/8/24
Final Revision 5/3/24
1 1
EXECUTIVE OFFICE - ROCKEFELLER CENTER
A Brazilian rosewood CABINET TELEVISION. A well used crystal
decanter on top. The light is moody. The legs of unknown
EXECUTIVES pass in front of camera.
On screen - the ORIGINAL SCREEN TESTS for SNL. Pieces of
Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, John Belushi, Laraine Newman,
Garret Morris, Jane Curtin, and Dan Aykroyd. It's loose and
freestyle. Their names are identif ied with chyrons.
We hear snippets of the executives speaking, but it's mostly
background noise. Something about the Tonight Show ratings
and the Saturday numbers.
Every once in a while, a comment about the screen test...
Jesus, where'd you find this guy... Nice face. Real downtown
look... She's cute, is she dating someone...?
2 2
50TH STREET. UNDER THE MARQUEE. OCTOBER 11TH, 1975
The sound of New Yor k City hits us like a punch to the face.
The sidewalk is awash with trash bags from the garbage
strike. Families fleeing Broadway shows desperately searching
for taxis as others in trench coats are drawn towards the
tenderloin of Time Square. Cops and vagrants don't pay each
other any mind. Traffic moves forward in violent jolts.
Amongst the chaos, a young man in a sports coat stands on the
curb, ch ecking his watch. LORNE MICHAELS, 29 years old. It's
night, but he's sweating.
From a cab radio-- At the sound of the tone, the time will be
10pm... Boop.
SOMETHING AFLAME floats from above. Lorne clocks - SHEAFS OF
PAPER ON FIRE, fluttering down. As they land, Lorne stamps
them out, bewildered.
We clock a scraggly NBC PAGE mindlessly handing out flyers.
NBC PAGE
Free show... Free show... Plenty of
sea ts... Hey, check it out.
Lorne takes a flyer. Clearly the first time seeing it. Yikes.
LORNE
How's it coming?
123.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D)
NBC PAGE
Yeah, not good. What kind of No, it's not... There is no
asshole tapes a show on tape. It's live. We go live
Saturday? in...
(checks watch)
ninety minutes.
NBC PAGE (CONT'D) LORNE (CONT'D)
(excited for him) Thanks... Thanks...
Oh, far out, man! Congrats!
NBC PAGE (CONT'D)
Does it have a name? Cause I don't
know what to tell people...
LORNE
The show? It's called Saturday
Night.
NBC PAGE
(beat)
I like it.
LORNE
What are you telling people?
LORNE (CONT'D)
NBC PAGE
(reads from placard) A parade? Truly? A parade?
"You are invited to a new Was clown car under
variety spectacular, copyright? Did some genius
featuring a parade of comedy beat us to goat rodeo?
and musical acts ripped from (done)
the charts..." Please, just stop.
(acting)
Where did they unearth such a
cavalcade of talent?"
NBC PAGE (CONT'D)
So, if this show is about to go
live, what are you doing down here?
LORNE
Looking for one of the most
brilliant entertainers of our time.
Just then a well-worn brown Jaguar stops mid traffic. CAR
HORNS immediately. ANDY KAUFMAN steps out carrying a portable
record player.
LORNE (CONT'D) ANDY
It' s 10pm Andy... (already in character)
Hello Mr. Michaels.
MORE CAR HORNS.
122.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D)
(into traffic)
He's just getting out...
(ironic)
Thank you for your patience.
From the driver's seat, Andy's mom MRS. KAUFMAN calls out --
MRS. KAUFMAN ANDY
Where can I park? Do you like my suit?
LORNE
Very elegant, Andy.
(to Mom)
You can pick him up at one, Mrs.
Kaufman!
LORNE (CONT'D)
MRS. KAUFMAN
Take care of my Andy! Yes, Mrs. Kaufman.
The Jaguar pulls away. We follow Lorne and Andy up to...
3 3
30 ROCK LOBBY
Sudd en quiet. Now gliding. Lorne leads Andy through the
revolving door into the marble elegance of 30 Rock.
Andy straggles, awed by the splendor of the Art Deco lobby. A
janitor waxes the floor in the deep background.
LORNE ANDY
Come on Andy... The ceilings are beautiful.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Yeah, down there is where Diego
Rivera was hired to paint a fresco
dedicated to the American worker.
ANDY
I cannot see it.
LORNE
No on e can. Diego was a commie and
secretly added Vladimir Lenin in
the middle of the night. So the
Rockefellers had it plastered over.
ANDY
That's sad.
We begin to hear Joe Garagiola announcing the World Series
over a small radio. Lorne and Andy stop at a trio of
uniformed guards, huddling around a radio.
121.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
SECURITY GUARD
(doesn't look up)
Deliveries use the back.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
LORNE
I'm producing a show here... Where's your badge?
Lorne, frustrated, fumbles out an ID BADGE.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
(re: Andy)
Where's his badge?
LORNE
My name is Lorne Michaels. I am the
producer of Saturday Night.
SECURITY GUARD
The whole night, huh?
EBERSOL (O.S.) LORNE
Hey, he's good, he's good, You see, I'm good.
let him in.
DICK EBERSOL, a 27 year old NBC junior executive in a Sports
Coat of checkerboard denim patches, flies in for the rescue.
He's six foot something and arrived via sports broadcasting.
He flashes his Saturday Night show badge. The security guard
unlocks the glass doors with a shrug.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
SECURITY GUARD
Live on a Saturday night. Okay, thanks, you're doing a
*
Must be some show. great job.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
What kind of name is Saturday Night?
Lorne pulls Andy in and slides past the guard.
LORNE
Only way NBC remembers when it's on.
4 4
ELEVATOR TO 8TH FLOOR
Among the many holdovers from broadcasting's ancient history,
the elevator is manned by an ELEVATOR MAN in livery.
EBERSOL
(to Elevator man)
Eighth floor
(adding)
... and book it.
120.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ELEVATOR MAN
Okay folks, put on your seat belts.
Andy looks for seatbelts.
EBERSOL
(to Lorne)
So... Big night...
LORNE
(to Andy)
Andy, have you had dinner?
ANDY
Yes, I had spaghetti.
LORNE EBERSOL
Well, that sounds delicious. Hey, so, I'm getting calls
from upstairs... You ordered
a llama?
ANDY
A llama!
LORNE
Yes, we all decided, it was much
funnier than a donkey.
EBERSOL
Right, the guys at the loading dock
just were n't expecting livestock.
*
LORNE
*
NBC did ask for something fresh and
unexpected.
EBERSOL
*
Yeah - True - Just, no one expected
you to demand an overhaul of the
*
entire sound and lighting package.
*
Lorne. Studio 8H, your home - for
*
tonight - is, is...
*
LORNE
*
Eroding, neglected, in
*
disrepair...?
LORNE (CONT'D)
EBERSOL
*
Pretty legendary! Thank you for reminding me.
*
No one ever reminds me.
119.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
I'm not sure if you know this, but
the eighth floor was designed for
*
Arturo Toscanini, the greatest
conductor of the 20th century.
LORNE
Did they ask Edison what a
lightbulb was before he harnessed
electricity?
EBERSOL
Wait, who are you in this metaphor?
ANDY
The lightbulb?
*
LORNE
*
You can't expect people to
recognize something that's never
been seen before.
EBERSOL
*
Okay - sure - fine, how about just
*
a final script?
LORNE
I mean, it's not that kind of show.
EBERSOL
What kind of show is it? Do you
even know what the show is?
LORNE
Of course I do.
EBERSOL
Are you going to share it with the
rest of us?
LORNE
Yes.
(checks watch)
In eighty eight minutes.
Elevator opens. Lorne already exiting.
5 5 *
8TH FLOOR - ELEVATOR LOBBY
*
LORNE
(shifts gears)
When was the last time they tested
the sound system?
118.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL
... I have no idea.
LORNE
The speakers look like leftovers
from the Kraft Macaroni Hour.
EBERSOL
*
I mean, they might be?
*
Andy Kaufman stops to say hello to a LLAMA.
LORNE
*
Rick Wakeman played Madison Square
Garden last night - Perhaps you
could source his supplier.
EBERSOL
That's not... That's not really my
job...
*
Ebersol follows and is nearly taken out by a HAMPER. Then A
*
RACK OF LIGHTS is wheele d through at full speed.
EBERSOL (CONT'D) *
*
Are those more lights? You asked
*
for more lights?
6 6
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
We follow the light rack down "Broadway", the work hallway,
notably lined in a specific shade of blue.
Ahead, Lorne's cousin NEIL LEVY (19) is finishing a CARD
TRICK with a STAGE HAND and his SHOP STEWARD.
NEIL
(with gusto)
Is this your card?!
STAGE HAND
*
No.
*
Neil pulls a card out of the sta ge hand's pocket...
NEIL
*
How about this?
STAGE HAND SHOP STEWARD
*
How'd he do that...? He's a fucking magician, numb
*
nuts.
117.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE NEIL
Neil! Oh, hey Lorne.
LORNE (CONT'D) *
*
Please stay right by my side.
Locked to my hip. Remember, when
you're here, you're not my cousin,
*
you're my "executive assistant".
*
NEIL
*
Wow, in the credits?
*
LORNE
*
No - But you and I will know.
*
We turn to see a SCENIC PAINTER on a payphone.
*
SCENIC PAINTER
*
Is there a Colleen?! Colleen?
*
BARBARA GALLAGHER emerges from crafty and begins to walk
*
backwards in front o f Lorne...
* *
BARBARA GALLAGHER LORNE
* *
Lorne, they're looking for Uh huh...
* *
you in the control room... Right...
* *
That pallet of bricks you Right...
* *
ordered should be here any Yep...
minute... Also, Belushi still* *
I heard...
hasn't signed his contract...* *
Yeah...
* *
and Garrett seems to be Sounds great, Barbara...
having an existential crisis.*
Oh, and your llama arrived. *
*
Barbara peals off to the control room.
*
EBERSOL
*
Why do we need bricks...? Also, why
*
do we need a llama? Is there a
*
llama sketch?
* EBERSOL (CONT'D) *
LORNE
Neil - Please take a memo. We* *
What'd she say about Belushi?
need to educate the NBC Pages*
*
on the show...
*
As Lorne continues... A GIANT SHARK WHEELS INTO THE BG.
LORNE (CONT'D) *
*
Saturday Night is a new kind of
*
entertainment. Defiant, abstract,
*
avant garde yet blue collar...
116.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL
*
Also, it's a comedy.
*
We take a right turn into the make up room to find GILDA in
the mirror prepping her voice for a scene.
JOE DICSO
*
Come on Gilda! We need you in
*
rehearsal.
We follow Gilda into the wardrobe room, passing..
EDIE BASKIN, painting PRINTS from the opening sequence.
LORNE
Monumental work, Edie.
*
EDIE
*
Careful, they're still drying.
We see JANE CURTIN in an ancient Roman costume that is still
connected to a working sewing machine. Chunk, chunk, chunk...
JANE
(running lines)
Would you tell the audience, just
how you became a victim of shark
*
bite...
*
(gets up)
*
Oh, Lorne...
*
DRESSER
*
Jane, you're still attached!
*
Behind her, LARAINE NEWMAN is standing uncomfortably in a
PADDED YELLOW ONESIE. We will soon recognize this as a bee
costume. A DRESSER is about to spray-paint black stripes with
a cardboard guide.
DRESSER (CONT'D)
(cigarette in mouth)
Hold your breath, sweetheart.
The dresser begins spraying. Laraine begins coughing.
*
We turn onto MAIN STREET to find Andy PETTING THE LLAMA.
*
ANDY
*
So soft.
*
Lorne walks by.
LORNE
*
Come on, Andy.
115.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
*
We arrive at the famous STAGE 8H doors, ANNE BEATTS (27),
*
dark comedy writer, stops Lorne.
*
ANNE
*
You cut my Nazi Dr. Doolittle?
*
LORNE
*
Remind me...
*
ANNE
*
He had ways of making the animals
*
talk.
*
LORNE
*
(walking away)
*
I'll check the run of show.
*
We find TOM DAVIS and AL FRANKEN at the reception desk.
* *
TOM DAVIS AL FRANKEN
* *
Can you check again? The package was addressed to
*
Al Franken and Tom Davis.
TOM DAVIS (CONT'D) * AL FRANKEN (CONT'D) *
* *
Twenty eight gallons... ... of Kensington Gore
*
synthetic blood.
*
The DOORS TO 8H fly open as a RACK OF LIGHTS wheel through.
*
We see HOME BASE and the famous CHAPMAN CRANE wheel by.
*
JOE DICSO crosses as the older camera guys slowly push their
*
camera peds into position...
*
JOE DICSO
*
Eighty five minutes to showtime!
*
Come on gentlemen, these
*
transitions need to be crisp.
*
Pretend there's a hooker with a
*
sand wich waiting for you on stage
*
right.
*
TOM SCHILLER takes us under the scaffolding where we find
*
GARRETT MORRIS holding a prop pistol.
*
GARRETT
*
Say, Schiller, what are you up to?
*
SCHILLER
*
Burning sage. Removing demons.
*
GARRETT
*
Good luck with your hocus pocus.
114.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
*
We pop through the side doors back onto BROADWAY, just as
*
Lorne appears with Andy.
Lorne approaches two comedians sitting on benches, they are
BILLY CRYSTAL (26) and VALRI BROMFIELD (25).
*
BILLY CRYSTAL
*
(already familiar)
*
Andy!
*
LORNE
*
(dad mode)
*
Andy, this is Billy Crystal and
*
Valri Bromfield. Just stay with
*
them, ok?
*
VALRI
Nice to meet you, Andy.
BILLY CRYSTAL
(to Valri)
Andy's a certifiable genius .
Wait'll you see - Practically
reinvents the form - We're in the
presence of greatness.
Long beat.
ANDY
(as foreign man)
Hello. Where is the bathroom?
VALRI LORNE
*
I don't know. Neil, show Andy to the
bathroom.
Neil peels off with Andy in tow, still holding his turntable.
JIM FOX (O.S.)
There you are--
JIM FOX (40's), A straight-laced NBC unit manager.
JIM FOX (CONT'D)
Lorne, I can't approve the purchase
of an antique chandelier that isn't
*
in any of the sketches.
Lorne doesn't make eye contact, instead motions to Ebersol.
LORNE
Uh, Dick? Jim has a question about
something.
113.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
*
JIM FOX
*
Yeah, your budget...
Lorne is already off. Ebersol jumps in.
JIM FOX (CONT'D) EBERSOL
He's out of control. I know.
JIM FOX (CONT'D)
*
(holding up budget)
*
This isn't a budget, it's a ransom
*
note. I've seen terrorists with
*
shorter lists of demands.
(privately)
I'd like to still have a job when
he's gone next week.
*
Meanwhile an INTERN delivers a video tape to engineering.
*
INTERN
*
Someone asked for last Wednesday's
*
Johnny Carson?
*
We hinger to find Lorne arrives at the Run Of Show Board (ROS
Board). AUDREY DICKMAN, British, 30, associate producer with
her clipboard.
AUDREY
As it stands, we have four host
monologues, two stand-ups, two
musical guests, each with two
performances, a solo piece by Andy
Kaufman, five parody commercials,
Weekend Update, a film by Albert
Brooks, Jim Henson's Muppet thing,
oh, not to mention seven sketches.
LORNE
Something for everybody.
EBERSOL AUDREY
It is a lot of show. It won't fit.
LORNE
We don't know that.
AUDREY
*
I know that.
AUDREY (CONT'D) *
*
Dress rehearsal was three hours...
*
LORNE
*
Audrey thinks we're tight.
112.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
*
AUDREY
*
Audrey thinks it's time to make
*
some hard decisions.
*
EBERSOL
*
So just cut a couple things...
CHEVY (O.S.)
Am I still in the show?
CHEVY CHASE (31), gangly and beaming, walks THROUGH a trash
can, spilling garbage across the hallway. He topples
awkwardly then instantly springs up like a gymnast.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
Sorry, tripped over my penis.
His fiancee, JACQUELINE CARLIN, 25, People-magazine-pretty,
tries to keep pace.
LORNE
Still in, Chevy.
CHEVY
(cocky)
I know. (pivoting) Hey, remember
Jackie, my girlfriend.
JACQUELINE
Fiancee.
Jackie waves and Chevy reacts to her engagement ring as
though being blinded, actually walking into a wall.
LORNE
Looks expensive.
CHEVY
She is... It is.
Jacqueline PUNCHES him hard.
JACQUELINE
I never know when you're kidding.
Lorne pulls Chevy in for a moment.
LORNE
Hey, look, can you show a little
goodwill towards your co-star?
CHEVY
Who, Belushi? (sighs) Oh, what the
fuck's the matter now?
111.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
This is a new dynamic. So many
expectations. Perhaps he's just...
CHEVY
I'll tell you what the issue is.
We're not doing a radio hour
anymore and he's built like an
Albanian cheeseburger.
JACQUELINE
Chevy can't help if people are
responding to his face.
CHEVY
I mean I could. But, I won't.
LORNE
Right. No one's asking you to deny
your own magnetism, Chevy.
JACQUELINE
Maybe there's other roles for John
t o play like a hobo or a troll...
CHEVY
(walking away)
Or a fire hydrant? or a Volkswagen?
(spots Ebersol's coat)
Looking sharp, Patches.
EBERSOL
What?
As Chevy continues walking, Lorne approaches the Control
Room. Audrey from behind...
AUDREY LORNE
You need to cut something. We'll figure it out.
Lorne pulls on the door, but it's locked. Lorne knocks. An
imposing portrait of the fabled conductor Arturo Toscanini
stares him down. Lorne bangs on the door. Neil runs up.
LORNE (CONT'D)
(still knocking)
Get me a key to this door. In fact,
I want keys to all the doors...
NEIL
... In the building?
LORNE
If you can.
110.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Someone finally lets Lorne into the darkened control room.
7 7
CONTROL ROOM
Lorne clearly feels like an outsider as he slides between the
console and monitors... Out of the way... down in front...
LORNE
Apologies.
Four live cameras broadcast from the stage. We also see NBC
programming and various Commercials:
Up in the valley of the Jolly Green Giant... Heat the meat
and gravy from the top can and add the crisp oriental
vegetables from the bottom can... My old watch always
stopped. Then I got my Timex Electric.
Lorne stops at DAVE WILSON (40s), a soft man in a tight
sweater vest - The director.
LORNE (CONT'D)
DAVE WILSON
(into headset) Dave, how we looking?
Hey Stew, line up on camera
three, will you?
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
Still working out the forty seven
notes you gave on your last visit.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D) LORNE
(into headset) How's the morale out there?
Earth to Stew... Focus up
buddy.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
The morale? Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew when I say this
is exactly how we wanted to spend
our Saturday evening.
LORNE
Right. Well, keep up the good work.
Lorne finds a spot in the back row. He picks up a bag of
chips, opens it, but notably never eats one.
Lorne checks the WALL CLOCK - 10:14pm.
Barbara Gallagher, asso ciate producer reads out credits to a
pony-tailed graphics dude, POOK.
109.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BARBARA GALLAGHER POOK
Okay, next card, Al "Bud" Is this, like, a bit?
Franken. Next card, Tom "Bud"
Davis...
BARBARA GALLAGHER (CONT'D)
I don't get half the shit they do,
next card, Rosie "Bud"...
(quietly to Lorne)
Is Rosie going with Michaels or
Shuster?
LORNE
Good question.
BARBARA GALLAGHER
Should I ask Rosie?
LORNE
No, I'll take care of it.
ON MONITOR - We see a clip of the cast on a talk show.
We find a man sport ing a vintage waistcoat and fedora in the
dark, lighting a cigarette on a short stemmed cigarette
holder. MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, head writer and prince of
darkness. He's staring at a matronly woman in the front row -
JOAN CARBUNKLE (50), NBC Standards. Red lipstick, golden
cross and a pillbox hat. Attacking a script with a RED PEN.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Don't stare, Michael.
O'DONOGHUE
She's been at it for hours.
O'DONOGHUE (CONT'D)
LORNE
S he's simply doing her job - I refuse to comply.
we have to comply with NBC
standards.
Carbunkle turns her attention to Mike and Lorne.
JOAN
Mr. O'Donoghue, on page twelve,
what is "clam diving?"
Lorne stifles a laugh.
O'DONOGHUE
I believe, the act of harvesting
mollusks, right Lorne?
108.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Uh huh.
Joan shakes her head and crosses the dialogue out.
JOAN
And, what is... zipper dinner?
Now, the room cracks up.
Joan crosses that out too.
LORNE
(quietly)
How many of these did you hide in
the script?
O'DONOGHUE
(quietly)
Maybe a dozen. It's like a
scavenger hunt.
JOAN
I know what "blue balls" are.
O'DONOGHUE
You don't say.
LORNE
I'm glad you're having fun, but
this isn't helpful.
O'DONOGHUE
(quietly t o Lorne)
If that piglet actually disfigures
my work, I'm going to turn her
uterus into a sock puppet.
LORNE
I can't picture that.
O'DONOGHUE
I can and I have.
LORNE
Patience. Once we're live, there's
nothing they can do.
On MONITORS, the "Home Security" sketch lines up.
DAVE WILSON
Rehearsals up. Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.
107.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne takes a step towards the glass window to 8H.
8 8
STAGE FLOOR
An OLD CHAIN RATCHET is lifting up a LIGHTING BOOM into the
rafters. It's loaded with lights and the chain is struggling.
STEW SORRENTINO (55), lighting director, losing his patience.
STEW SORRENTINO
Give me lights 25B, 25D, half down
on 31. Half Down on 31. That's 32.
(notices the boom)
Jesus, that's a lot of lights on
the left wing boom. Anyone know the
load bearing on the booms?
A LIVING ROOM SET is being painted by hand.
Sitting on a sofa are GILDA RADNER (29) and a bearded JOHN
BELUSHI (26).
A dresser places GLASSES on John's face. He flinches,
irritated. John is clearly moody. Gilda clocks it.
GILDA
Hey John...
Gilda quickly makes a face. John raises an eyebrow.
GILDA (CONT'D)
(yelling whisper)
John...
John darts his eyes back and forth.
GILDA (CONT'D)
(yelling whisper)
There's something very important I
need to tell you.
John satellites his ear in her direction. Gilda moves to the
coffee table.
GILDA (CONT'D)
I schtooped one of our costars last
night... one of the muppets.
Gilda hooks a thumb back at a TABLE OF LIFELESS MUPPETS.
Crates underneath are stenciled HENSON ASSOCIATES.
106.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GILDA (CONT'D)
Don't look... I'm still pulling
felt out of my teeth.
(interestingly...)
Turns out he just has a big floppy
hole between his legs. So I stuck
my hand all the way...
JOE DICSO
Okay, quiet please.
We hear the raspy boom of the stage manager JOE DICSO.
9 9
CONTROL ROOM
In the room, we see Audrey Dickman click her stopwatch.
Cameras are cued. Corrections are made in real time.
DAVE WILSON POOK
Cue... What's his name? Danny Aykroyd.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
Cue Aykroyd... Cue Aykroyd...
A faint, dull thud can be heard through the speakers.
BARBARA GALLAGHER
He can't get through the door.
On Monitor - We see someone tr ying to get through the door.
DAVE WILSON LEO YOSHIMURA
You fucking kiddin me? Put Eugene found an antique door
your shoulder into it kid... in salvage. Sixty pounds of
oak.
Wham! - DAN AYKROYD (22) muscles through the door and enters.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
BARBARA GHALLAGER
That's one way to do it. He's going to tear a muscle.
O'DONOGHUE
He's 22. He'll heal.
AYKROYD (ON SCREEN)
(mile a minute)
Hi there! Please don't be alarmed,
this is only a simulated assault
and burglary, I repeat, this is a
simulated assault and burglary.
This could happen to you at any
time, in fact it just has.
105.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
As the actors give it their all, the stage hands talk amongst
each other, paying little mind to the performers.
GILDA
Call the police!
AYKROYD
(removes mask)
Don't call the police, I am the
police... I might be anyway...
DAVE WILSON
Ha! This kid ain't half bad.
We continue to hear camera directions, lighting cues...
LORNE
(to Neil, taking notes)
He's got to hold the gun in his
other hand or we don't see it.
SNAP! - ON MONITOR - A LIGHTING BOOM CRASHES through the
coffee table. The Actors leap back.
Everyone in the control room jumps to their feet in panic.
We're following Lorne as he shoulders his way out and into...
10 10
STUDIO 8H
Lorne continues pushing through everybody to set. We hear
Aykroyd continue, not missing a beat.
AYKROYD
We also offer sudden catastrophic
roof collapse policies. Have your
girders been checked?
The sofa CATCHES FIRE. Joe Dicso is already in there with an
extinguisher, dousing it. People scatter further.
LEO YOSHIMURA (20s), art director, surveys the damage.
YOSHIMIURA
We're going to need another sofa.
LORNE
Grab one from the 17th. Not from my
office.
TOM SCHILLER, 28, new wave vibe, walks by BURNING SAGE.
LORNE (CONT'D)
What are you up to, Tom?
104.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TOM SCHILLER
Burning Sage. Removing demons.
Lorne takes it from him and gives himself a circle of sage.
LORNE
Make sure you hit the control room.
A CHAPMAN CAMERA CRANE drives through, almost nailing crew.
JOE DICSO
Watch it on the Chapman, Al!
STEW SORRENTINO
Could someone please clear the
children.
BELUSHI
Why? You got any more fucking
lights to drop on us?
Belushi lunges for Stew, but Aykroyd catches him.
BELUSHI (CONT'D) AYKROYD
Fucking amateur hour! I know. He's not worth it.
LORNE
(turns to Sorrentino)
How dare you endanger my actors?
STEW SORRENTINO
You're the one who asked for a
hundred fucking light cues.
LORNE
Feel free to let me know when my
standards surpass your abilities.
GILDA
I don't know guys, that was kind of
exciting. It's probably good luck!
Aykroyd has an aside with the aging prop guy, WALLIE.
AYKROY D
(re: handgun prop)
This thing is ridiculous. It has
zero stopping power. He'd have
something with a little more heft.
WALLIE
The script said `pistol'.
103.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
AYKROYD
The script specifically called for
a Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19
Combat Magnum.
WALLIE
Kid, this ain't an armory. No one's
going to notice the difference.
AYKROYD
I'll tell you who's gonna notice.
The fine folks at home who lugged M-
16's through four feet of swamp
juice in Quang Nam.
WALLIE
Wow, you really put a lot of
thought into this.
(Note: One by one, the crew will come to like the SNL cast.
Wallie is the first to come around.)
LORNE
Let's go again.
BELUSHI
In that death trap?
GILDA
I still think it was kind of funny.
Gilda hops into the lap of AL, the Chapman Camera Operator.
GILDA (CONT'D)
How high will this thing go, Al?
Give me a tour of the city!
CHAPMAN CRANE OP
How `bout a tour of the stage.
GILDA LORNE
Deal! Gilda...!
The crane rises into the sky and WE RISE WITH IT. We leave
behind Lorne argu ing with Stew the lighting director.
Moving through 8H like a sky tour. Gilda waves like a float
queen and crew wave back.
CHAPMAN CRANE OP
First stop, home base, you got your
stage hands...
The stage hands wave up to Gilda.
102.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHAPMAN CRANE OP (CONT'D)
GILDA
Hey boys! The camera boys...
electrics...
Gilda is loving it, laughing and kicking her legs.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Guess I chose the wrong day to not
wear underwear!
CHAPMAN CRANE OP
Second stop, the bleachers, under
which live the painters, the cable
wranglers, the cue card kids...
Third stop, the sound boys and boom
jockeys... Final stop, the stars.
We're up in the audience balcony. Gilda hops off.
CHAPMAN CRANE OP (CONT'D) GILDA
Adieu mon cheri. Merci monsieur.
Gilda turns and bumps into JANE CURTIN (28), hair in CURLERS,
giving a tour to her Connecticut blue-blood husband, PATRICK.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Oh wow, hi Jane. Can you just stand
how pretty she is? I just want to
polish your earrings.
JANE
Gilda's in the cast with me.
(to Gilda)
This is my husband Patrick.
GILDA
(guffaws)
Oh my god, you're married! You're
such a grown up. Can I come live
with you guys? I'm house trained. I
can curl up at the foot of the bed.
Jane and Patrick laugh awkwardly.
11 11
STUDIO 8H
We find GARRETT MORRIS (37), in costume from the last sketch,
carrying a SHOTGUN. He approaches the large tabletop outer-
space set for the MUPPETS.
Withou t thinking, Garrett playfully pretends to shoot the
muppets in the face. BAM, BAM. The gangly sweet faces of JIM
HENSON (30) and FRANK OZ pop up from behind the set.
101.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
HENSON
Hey! Come on man.
GARRETT MORRIS
Oh hi Jim, sorry for... shooting
your muppets.
HENSON
They're not just... Garret, they're
your co-stars.
GARRETT MORRIS
Yeah, okay. Are you alright there?
HENSON
Yeah, uh... No. I don't think the
writing staff here speak muppet.
GARRETT MORRIS
Have you spoken to Chevy or
O'Donoghue?
HENSON
Yes, they tied a belt around Big
Bird's neck and left him hanging
from my dressing room door...
Henson suddenly quiet as O'Donoghue approaches.
O'DONOGHUE
Hey, I heard about Big Bird. I'm so
sorry. Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation.
Who knew...?
HENSON
Bologna.
O'DONOGHUE
Uh oh. Cursing.
GARRETT MORRIS
(walking away)
Sorry... I guess.
Garret passes by the STAGE HANDS and CAMERA BOYS. They're
figuring out a scene change. How to move a set into the wings
between the cameras peds in twelve seconds.
Garrett approaches a pianist and his band, waiting in the
wings. It's musical guest BILLY PRESTON (30). They're working
out a musical flourish together.
A stage hand placing audience chairs inches from the band.
100.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BASSIST
Shit, is this a sing-a-long? You
can't get the audience any closer?
Garrett looking for a way to start a convo with Preston.
GARRETT MORRIS
Sounding good, guys.
BILLY PRESTON
Yeah, okay...
GARRETT MORRIS
(still on his back foot)
We actually worked together before.
I sang back up for Belafonte.
BILLY PRESTON
(to his band mates)
Catch that? He was a Belafonte
Singer.
(singing "Cocoanut Woman")
Get your c ocoanut water...
BAND MATES
Four to five!
BILLY PRESTON
Man, it's good for you daughter...
BAND MATES
Four to five!
GARRETT MORRIS
Coco got a lotta iron...
They all laugh. Hard to tell if they're making fun of him.
BILLY PRESTON
This guy singing too. Man, how many
folks they have playing tonight?
GARRETT MORRIS
No, no... I'm one of the comedic
performers. I'm in the cast.
BILLY PRESTON
(disbelief)
You're a comedi an?
GARRETT MORRIS
Well no, not by trade. I'm actually
a playwright.
(MORE)
99.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GARRETT MORRIS (CONT'D)
Perhaps you saw my work at the
Black Arts Repertory Theater in
Harlem.
BILLY PRESTON
Yeah, I must have missed that.
GARRETT MORRIS
I don't actually know why they
hired me.
BILLY PRESTON
You seem a little nervous.
GARRETT MORRIS
I do? I mean, yes (laughs) I am.
BILLY PRESTON
(turns to drummer)
Alvin, hook Mr... (looks back)
What's your name?
GARRETT MORRIS
Garrett Morris...
BILLY PRESTON
Hook Mr. Garret Morris u p with a
little confidence.
Preston's drummer hands Garrett a SMALL VIAL.
DRUMMER
Medical grade. Shit so light, air
is at the bottom of the bottle.
GARRETT MORRIS
Oh... thanks... Great...
Garrett now stumbling away, checking out his gift.
STEW SORRENTINO (O.C.)
Consider me the first rat off the
ship!
We whip across to see Stew, the lighting director, quitting
and storming off. The stage hands applaud Ste w for leaving.
LORNE
What can I say, bon voyage.
EBERSOL
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.
98.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
There must be someone in the
building who can press a button...
JOE DICSO
He's the only one who knows the
location of the two hundred lights
you asked for.
Ebersol looks up... That is a lot of lights.
LORNE
(onto something else)
What's the meaning of this?
On the back of a director's chair - CHILDREN'S TELEVISION
WORKSHOP. Lorne rips it off. It was his chair.
LORNE (CONT'D)
This isn't helpful.
SHOP STEWARD
I t hought we were making a comedy.
Tight laughter from the old stage hands of 8H. For the first
time, we notice that they're an older generation.
JOE DICSO
Okay, everyone quiet for sound
check! Sound Check!
This is repeated through the stage as Lorne gets a burst of
energy and runs up into the bleacher seats. He wants the
audience experience as the Preston band takes its marks.
EBERSOL
(tagging along)
This should be fun.
LORNE
Have you heard Billy Preston live
before? You know he was the fifth
Beatle.
DRUMMER
2, 3, 4...
The bands comes to life... They sound fantastic.
Lorne now at the sound board. He tries on a pair of
HEADPHONES. Frowns. In the headphones, it sounds tiny.
LORNE
Is this full volume?
97.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
SCOTTY, the sound engineer, nods.
SCOTTY
Whole enchilada.
EBERSOL
(always the bright side)
Sounds pretty adequate.
LORNE
This isn't Wimbledon. It needs to
feel like a rock concert.
EBERSOL
(smoothing)
Lorne has such a deep appreciation
for music.
Lorne eyes the one mic, hanging sadly from above.
LORNE
Shouldn't we have more mics?
SCOTTY
One band. One mic.
LORNE
You always put this much care into
your work?
SCOTTY
O nly when the honcho is this
inspiring.
Lorne already walking away... Turns to Ebersol.
LORNE
This needs to be fixed. Tonight.
Below, the FREIGHT ELEVATOR OPENS, revealing a wardrobe rack.
A sign on the front says BELUSHI. A BEE COSTUME at the front.
ROSIE SHUSTER (O.C.)
Wo, wo, wo... This John's?
We turn to find a buoyant young writer with a pencil behind
her ear, ROSIE SHUSTER.
WARDROBE ASST
Yeah, I heard he's in make up.
ROSIE SHUSTER
You got a death wish or something?
Come on, I got it.
96.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Rosie grabs the rack and starts driving it herself.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
Out of my way, everybody... Beep,
beep... Morty, pick a lane!
Rosie under the bleachers, navigating the Cue Card Kids
working furiously, the painters listening to the world
series, the cable guys playing cards.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
Nice hand, Jimmy.
12 12
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
The wardrobe cart slaloms around an old STAGE HAND eating
MACARON I AND GRAVY.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Easy on the Macaroni, Carmine.
We turn into the...
13 13
DRESSING ROOM
Rosie pulls the rack to a hard stop. We find Belushi sitting
on a folding chair, changing out of his clothes from "Home
Security". He clocks the bee costume and rolls his eyes.
ROSIE SHUSTER
There he is. Star of the show.
BELUSHI
Come on Rosie, not the fucking
bees.
An asst costumer goes to place ANTENNI on John's head, but he
flinches away. Rosie pulls out a CIGARETTE PACK and shakes
out a couple for John. He reluctantly takes them as the
slinky antenna are slid over his unkempt dome.
BELUSHI (CONT'D)
I'm not a dashboard ornament.
ROSIE SHUSTER
You're adorable is what you are.
Every girl's going to want to
squeeze you.
A naughty look crosses John's face. He buzzes like a bee.
95.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
Watch where you point that stinger.
BELUSHI
(super serious while
bouncing his antenna)
I am a trained professional.
Rosie breaks up laughing at Belushi.
LARAINE NEWMAN (23) wanders in to see a rack of costumes.
LARAINE
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?
WARDROBE ASST
It's a five second change over from
the reporter to ancient Greece.
Lorne didn't think you'd have time
to get into your toga.
LARAINE
Oh, okay...
Laraine sighs and steps back out into...
14 14
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Deep background, Jackie Carlin is going over the run of show
board with Audrey Dickman, angling for a scene.
Franken and Davis are also present, unpackaging a box with a
lot of tubes. A delivery with a heavy box arrives for them.
Laraine is basically JUMPED by Aykroyd. He picks her up and
twirls he r back to the ground.
LARAINE
Danny! Stop!
LARAINE (CONT'D)
AYKROYD
(in character) Come on... Danny...
Ma'am, you're dealing here
with a fully qualified male
strumpet...
AYKROYD (CONT'D)
I can assure you professional
hygiene, discretion, and animal
gratification...
94.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LARAINE
Listen strumpet...
AYKROYD
Fred Garvin, male prostitute.
LARAINE
How much is this going to cost me?
AYKROYD
This one's on the house.
An EDITOR crosses frame.
15 15
COSTUMES
The editor pops his head in to find Rosie.
EDITOR
Hey Rosie, got the latest cut on
"New Dad".
Rosie kisses Belushi on the forehead.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Behave. (winks) Bee-have.
Rosie runs out into the...
16 16
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Rosie passe s Danny talking to Laraine and slaps his ass.
ROSIE SHUSTER
They need you in costumes. I told
them to make those hot pants...
extra hot.
Before Danny can protest, Rosie is calling down the hallway.
ROSIE
(to Lorne)
Hey, we're going to check the cut
on "New Dad". Wanna see?
As Lorne approaches, directly in front of him - THUD!! - The
clothing rack with the bee costume is kicked into the
hallway. Explodi ng against the wall.
LORNE
You know he hates the bee costume.
93.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE
This isn't a costume problem. He
thinks he's Brando.
ROSIE (CONT'D)
LORNE
He's better than Brando. More Do you hear yourself?
important even.
LORNE (CONT'D) ROSIE (CONT'D)
He'll be studied. They'll study his liver.
Lorne smiles. Schiller walks by with the Sage.
LORNE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
ROSIE
Thanks Tom. Thanks Tom.
ROSIE (CONT'D)
John's better when he's angry.
ROSIE (CONT'D)
LORNE
You understand, in an hour, I A covenant. Okay, Abraham.
owe a television program. I
made a covenant with the
Natio nal Broadcast Company.
LORNE (CONT'D)
I'm on the hook for ninety minutes
of live television.
A beat.
ROSIE
No one said it needs to be good.
LORNE
Must you turn him into a bee?
ROSIE SHUSTER
(entering the edit bay)
I'm not `turning him into a bee'.
He's a man in a bee costume.
There's a difference. It's the kind
of image you can't get out of your
head. It's post-modern. It's
Warhol. It's iconic.
LORNE
Where the heck do these ideas come
from?
She points to her temple.
92.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE
I just send an imaginary dog to
fetch an imaginary stick.
17 17
EDIT BAY
Lorne and Rosie now standing behind the editor. A pre-taped
parody commercial plays on the MONITOR - Aykroyd enters a
suburban home and hugs Jackie (Chevy's fiancee).
ROSIE SHUSTER EDITOR
Tighten the top as he enters. Tightening the top.
LORNE
Whoops. Looks like Chevy's fiancee
slipped and fell into another
segment.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Jacq ueline's going to be hosting
the show if you're not careful.
On the monitor, a LARGE "X" strikes out Danny's face.
LORNE
Can we add sound there over the X?
EDITOR ROSIE SHUSTER
Like a buzzer? No, funny, like a bell.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
LORNE
Good call. Danny's good in Yeah he is.
this.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D) LORNE (CONT'D)
(to editor) Sixteen frames.
Hold on the photo another
eight frames.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Are you... Were you thinking of...
goin g home with him tonight?
ROSIE SHUSTER
Danny? Tonight?
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
LORNE
I mean, I'm not suggesting... If you need alone time...?
LORNE (CONT'D) ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
No, I just didn't know... I It's opening night. I didn't
mean you can, if you wish... think it was the right...
91.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D) ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
I mean, neither did I... Then why are you asking?
LORNE (CONT'D)
Just avoiding surprises, Roz.
LORNE (CONT'D)
ROSIE SHUSTER
You love surprises. I love surprises.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
Like Anne Frank loved her drum
sticks.
The editor laughs at Rosie's joke.
LORNE
Don't encourage her.
ROSIE SHUSTER
(to editor)
Hold on the photo another eight
frames.
LORNE ROSIE
Sixteen frames. I think eight.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Oh, Barbara was asking about your
credit. Figured you'd go with
Michaels.
The editor pops their head up for a moment.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Is that what you want?
LORNE
We're married. You're my wife. It's
the straightest line.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Lorne. We're married, but I'm not
your wife.
LORNE
I don't think that'll fit on the
crawl.
ROSIE SHUSTER
What would you prefer?
BARBARA GALLAGHER enters frantically.
90.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BARBARA
Lorne! NBC execs are in the green
room, waiting for you!
LORNE EDITOR
(already off) VTR needed this yesterday!
Fuck.
(to Editor)
This is really close.
18 18
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Lorne goes for the stairwell door, but stops at the sight of
Belushi in his antenni, entranced by a TV playing an NBC
SHOWREEL. John looks like he might vomit.
LORNE
Young man, I need you to sign your
contract or they w on't let you go
in front of the cameras.
Belushi just buzzes back like a bee.
Lorne turns and stops. The show's youngest writers, TOM DAVIS
and AL FRANKEN are prepping some sort of pump.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Tom? Al? What's this all about?
AL FRANKEN TOM DAVIS
A last minute piece. Just in case you need it.
LORNE
I don't. What's the gag?
AL FRANKEN TOM DAVIS
We're going to dress Aykroyd America's favorite chef.
*
up as Julia Childs.
LORNE
Okay...
TOM DAVIS AL FRANKEN
And right as she's carving up She slices opens an artery.
a turkey on live television,
AL FRANKEN (CONT'D) TOM DAVIS (CONT'D)
Blood. Everywhere. Everywhere.
A quiet beat.
LORNE
Oh, got it. That's the whole pitch.
89.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TOM DAVIS AL FRANKEN
Yeah, just America's favorite Total gore fest.
chef painting the walls with
her insides.
AYKROYD
Oh, yeah, it's going to be pure
carnage.
(as Julia)
Oh no... I've cut the dickens out
of my finger... Oh God it's
throbbing...
LORNE
(walking away)
Sounds promising. Put down a tarp.
Lorne keeps moving. Sees the dressing room marked "George
Carlin". He goes to enter when he hears the unmistakable
sound of snorting coke followed by the DOOR SLAMMING. Nods.
Heads into a door, held open by Ebersol.
19 19
STAIRWELL
They double up the stairs. Staff SMOKE CIGARETTES. Lorne and
Ebersol must worm around it.
EBERSOL LORNE
How's Carlin? Warming up the pipes.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
I heard Belushi hasn't signed his
contract yet?
LORNE
That's strange. I'm quite certain
he did. (waves his hand) A
formality.
EBERSOL
(laughs awkwardly)
Yeah, they're pretty formal here.
Speaking of, the folks in standards
are a little uneasy about a parody
commercial playing right after the
regular ads. They think viewers
might be confused.
LORNE
Yeah, one might argue that's what
ma kes it humorous.
88.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL
I don't know, Lorne. Are we just
making fun of the audience for not
knowing any better?
LORNE
(pivots)
Hardly. It's Comedia Del Arte. We
are engaging in a bit of theater.
If anything, we will make the other
commercials feel all the more real.
The sponsors will probably thank
you.
EBERSOL
Oh.
20 20
9TH FLOOR CORRIDOR
Speed walking to the Green Room.
LORNE
So, who's in here? Should I be
concerned?
EBERSOL
No... Just... You know, try not to
use words like underground or
revolutionary.
LORNE
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.
They pass a door with a hand written sign - The Departure
Lounge - Music pours out. They keep walking.
EBERSOL
I know but sometimes, you get a
little... I don't know. Look, this
is TV. It's in your living room.
It's supposed to relax you.
LORNE
How positively scintillating.
Lorne opens the do or to the green room and hits a wall of
FIFTY DRUNK MIDDLE AGED MEN IN SUITS WITH COCKTAILS.
Lorne flinches back and pulls the door shut.
87.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D) EBERSOL
What the hell? There's like a Fifty. The affiliates. From
thousand people in there! across the country. They're
excited to see the show.
LORNE (CONT'D)
I don't have time for glad handing!
EBERSOL
Lorne. These are the people that
will decide whether or not we have
a hit. They choose what goes on
air. We need them.
Lorne steels himself.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
LORNE
Three minutes. Tops.
21 21
GREEN ROOM
Lorne reenters the room with a big smile. Starts shaking
every mitt that's presented his way. The crowd is decidedly
midwestern and sprinkled with attractive NBC PAGES.
We push through the suits to find one man turned away from
the crowd. For the moment, he's more interested in the drink
he's pouring. We only clock his hands an d his SIGNET RINGS.
Above the crowd we see CHEVY and O'DONOGHUE on a small stage.
Chevy holding a FULL GLASS OF WATER.
CHEVY
Ladies and gentlemen, who am I
kidding, gentlemen, I've always
liked to say that...
Chevy motions casually with his hand, tossing the water from
his glass across the room. HUGE LAUGH.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
Oh, I'm sorry...
Chevy steps towards one of the affiliates and uses their tie
to mop his own brow.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
Much better.
He steps back, fumbling along the way, perhaps knocking
something over.
86.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHEVY
Let me introduce you to our head
writer, the prince of darkness...
My husband... My lover... Michael
O'Donoghue. I hear you have a
little impression for us.
O'DONOGHUE
Thank you Chevy.
(to room)
I'm certain you all know Mr.
Rogers, perhaps the most kind and
gentle man on television. This is
my impression of Mr. Rogers
plunging eighteen inch steel sewing
needles into his eyes.
WHAM! - O'Donoghue sl ams his empty fists against his face and
falls to the ground in agonizing screams.
A beat. Then THUNDEROUS applause and laughter.
Chevy pulls Lorne up on stage.
LORNE
(taking the mic)
Hi, uh, well, now you see why they
put us on at midnight.
The room grows quiet.
LORNE (CONT'D)
We have a great show for you
tonight... George Carlin... the
great Billy Preston. Next week, my
good friend Paul Simon hosting...
Look, there has never been a show
made for and by the generation that
was raised by television...
Even quieter.
LORNE (CONT'D)
(screw it)
Gentlemen, this is the revolution.
Puzzled looks. Ebersol shaking his head.
CHEVY
(stepping into the void)
We're storming the Bastille. Who's
with us?!
They just love Chevy. They cheer!
85.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHEVY (CONT'D)
(doubling down)
No prisoners, heads on pikes, blood
will run in the streets.
NBC Pages open CURTAINS to reveal the stage floor behind a
window. The affiliates are immediately drawn to the glass.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
Behold... In all its filth... If
you listen closely, you can still
hear Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.
We push through the swarm to find the JEWELED SIGNET RINGS of
DAVE TEBET, NBC' s head of talent, speaking with Ebersol.
TEBET
Blood in the streets - Well - that
sounds delightful. How much are we
spending on this insurrection?
EBERSOL
Two fifty an episode.
TEBET
I guess revolutions aren't cheap.
EBERSOL
Right. It's Schlosser's baby.
TEBET
I guess we'll have to see how this
baby crawls.
TEBET (CONT'D)
EBERSOL
Lorne Michaels is a rare Well, that's nice.
bird. He really believes in
his vision...
EBER SOL (CONT'D)
... and he doesn't really bend.
TEBET
Well, we know how that story goes.
Just around them, Lorne is squeezing his way out of the room,
followed by O'Donoghue and Chevy. They step out onto the...
22 22
9TH UPPER DECK
Lorne notices the electricians installing "APPLAUSE" LIGHTS.
84.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Absolutely not. We're not going to
beg for their approval.
The electricians shrug.
Tebet puts his arm around Chevy as they walk.
TEBET
You handled that like a pro.
CHEVY
Oh, thank you.
TEBET
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent. I
handle the Tonight Show, you know.
CHEVY
I didn't know that.
TEBET
Between us... Johnny Carson won't
be around forever. Think about it.
You're a handsome funny gentile.
That means so mething.
23 23
ELEVATOR TO 17TH FLOOR
Tebet, Ebersol, Lorne, Chevy, and O'Donoghue step inside.
LORNE
(to the elevator man)
Seventeen.
TEBET
(smiles)
Fifty four.
EBERSOL
Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet...
LORNE
Of course, I remember everyone who
gives me a job.
TEBET
Smart kid. Quite a line up this
evening.
LORNE
I understand that we are bending
some of the rules...
83.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL
Lorne, this is NBC. There's a way
things are done. The Peacock way.
LORNE O'DONOGHUE
Right, well, we're thinking a ... Maybe an emu.
little different...
EBERSOL
I just don't think...
TEBET
Dick, shut the fuck up.
The mood shifts. The elevator man looks down.
TEBET (CONT'D)
(to Ebersol)
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face.
What do you think he's going to do?
Embarrass us with some half ass
ratfuck donkey show?
O'DONOGHUE LORNE
Frankly, that's exactly what Michael.
I signed up for.
TEBET
(to Lorne)
I expect you to be an unbending
force of seismic disturbance. Light
up the NBC switchboard like a bomb
went off.
O'DONOGHUE AND CHEVY
Yes... Yes, sir.
LORNE
I promise not to play the music too
loud.
TEBET
Fuck that. This isn't the Moosejaw
Jazz Festival, It's Saturday
Fucking Night. I want you to be
thunderous and deafening. If my
ears don't bleed, I'll be asking
for a refund.
82.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TEBET (CONT'D)
LORNE
Okay... Great, because I Yes,
always saw this as a yes,
collision that erupts from yes,
every screen in America. A yes...
prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation...
TEBET (CONT'D)
Stop. Don't say another word. Don't
question another instinct. Ebersol,
we're standing in the presence of a
prophet. A man with a vision...
(to Lorne)
I want you to take that vision like
a Sherman Tank and plow it through
any fuck who gets in your way.
(gets close)
Even me.
DING! - Elevator door opens on the writers floor.
O'DONOGHUE
Use emotion for the many and
reserve reason for the few.
TEBET
I like that. I'm putting it on my
wall.
Lorne, O'Donoghue, and Chevy exit and the elevator closes.
LORNE O'DONOGHUE
(turns to O'Donoghue) Atrocities aside, the man was
Hitler quote? a wordsmith.
24 24
17TH FLOOR - WRITERS ROOM
Lorne enters the hive of activity with Ebersol, Chevy, and
O'Donoghue. PAs are collating freshly printed script pages on
the floor. It's like an obstacle course. Paul Shaffer noodles
on a STAND UP PIANO.
NEIL
(handing memos)
You missed a call from Johnny
Carson. I accidentally picked up
your phone cause it was ringing.
LORNE
What did you tell him?
81.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
NEIL
I don't remember. He hung up on me.
Aykroyd and an INTERN almost hit Ebersol with a BUNK BED.
EBERSOL
Is that a bunk bed?
NEIL
Danny ordered one for his office.
LORNE
That's confidence. Find me
something to eat. Anything.
We spin to find Franken and Davis hovering over O'Donoghue.
AL FRANKEN
Are you nervous?
O'DONOGHUE
Nervous about what?
TOM DAVIS AL FRANKEN
Performing on live TV? I'd be shitting bricks.
O'DO NOGHUE
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio -
Colored beads to fascinate the
animal. I could do this in a
narcoleptic coma.
Chevy stops at HERB SARGENT's desk. At 50, he is the elder
statesman. Quiet and brilliant. Stack of newspapers.
CHEVY
Hey Herb, how's Update coming?
HERB
(reading)
South Vietnam has seized and burned
100,000 Playboy magazines... Still
working on a punchline.
CH EVY
For miles, all anyone could smell
was roast bunny.
Herb chuckles, writes it down.
HERB
You alright there, Chev?
80.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHEVY
Well, things are kooper kippy Herb.
I think it happened. I just got the
shoulder tap.
HERB
The what?
CHEVY
You know, from the folks upstairs.
What's going to happen to me? I
mean, Herb, you've been around the
block. Where am I going from here?
HERB
Well, I don't know Chevy. I've
never gotten a shoulder tap. I've
just made a fortune, won a few
Emmys, and slept with Gloria
Steinem. My instinct is Ame rica
will fall in love with you. You'll
be hideously overcompensated for
prat falls and cute jokes. You'll
waste away most of your life with
purchased company. Eventually
you'll self-medicate with hookers
and amphetamines. Probably die
alone in some French hotel.
CHEVY
Jesus, I can't wait.
A couple stage hands enter frame.
STAGE HAND
That one. Grab it.
We pan to find Gilda and Laraine picking away at th eir
dinners on a sofa. The stage hands GRAB THE SOFA and the
actresses leap off! The sofa is immediately hauled away to
replace the burned furniture from earlier.
Gilda and Laraine turn to find interns laying out SCRIPTS
down the length of the corridor in a collating effort. A
train of paper that goes on forever.
LARAINE
Wow, you're in so many scenes.
GILDA
Yeah, but I'm always everyone's kid
sister. Y ou're the hot one.
79.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GILDA (CONT'D)
LARAINE
I think Jane's the hot one. I mean you're the (growls)
LARAINE (CONT'D)
You're everybody's favorite.
GILDA
Oh, I'm just a ball of yarn,
looking for a cat. A parrot with
nothing to squawk.
LARAINE
I keep feeling like any minute,
Lorne's gonna realize he made a
huge mistake and ship me back.
GILDA
On this budget?
(snorts)
We can't afford the postage.
(adds)
Lorne's got a way of seeing
something in people and knowing
where their talent fits. There's a
reason you're here. You may not
know it, but Lorne does.
Laraine moves along the pages, compiling a script as she
goes. Something in one of the scenes makes her chuckle. She's
aligning the pages, when she hears familiar dialogue...
AYKROYD (O.C.)
Ma'am, you're dealing here with a
fully qualified male strumpet.
Laraine turns to find Aykroyd with Gilda up in his arms.
GILDA
Hey, I'm not a prop, mister.
Laraine can't hide her reaction and Gilda sees it. They lock
eyes and mutually understand what's happening.
AYKROYD
I can assure you professional
hygiene, discretion...
GILDA
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet Mr. Strumpet. Geez.
78.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Gilda slides to the ground. Laraine pretends to laugh along,
but it's paper thin. Danny turns and catches Laraine's look.
An uncomfortable pause. Before anything can be said...
Tom Schiller crosses frame, carrying the SAGE and we follow
him into Lorne's office. Desk, chair, and a sofa. Rosie
sitting on a filing cabinet. O'Donoghue on the floor.
O'DONOGHUE
(re: the sage)
Get that hippie shit out of her e.
Schiller exits quickly as Lorne leans into the doorway.
LORNE
Hey, I need the Muppet pages.
O'DONOGHUE
I already turned in that one
script.
ROSIE
Was Jim Henson uncomfortable with
Muppets on a plantation?
O'DONOGHUE
It was a musical number.
LORNE
I don't think that was the problem.
O'DONOGHUE
I just can't write for those little
hairy facecloths.
LORNE
I need something for Henson. We go
live in an hour.
ROSIE
What if you sent him a little felt
toe in a newspaper?
Before Lorne can respond, Anne pushes through and hands
O'Donoghue a script covered in red ink.
ANNE
Did you see what that evangelical
cunt did to our pages?
We follow Lorne's look back to find Franken and Davis
speaking with the NBC standards troll, Joan Carbunkle.
77.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CARBUNKLE
You cannot say horny on NBC.
AL FRANKEN
You want us to say sexy instead of
horny?
TOM DAVIS
Sexy and horny just don't mean the
same thing.
CARBUNKLE
I struggle to see the difference.
AL FRANKEN
Well, if a dog is humping your leg,
it's horny.
TOM DAVIS
It is certainly not sexy.
That's when we notice O'Donoghue LIGHTING HIS PAGES ON FIRE.
CARBUNKLE
What on Earth are you doing?
People watch as O'Donoghue walks to the window and tosses the
flaming script out the window to the street below.
O'DONOGHUE
I'd rather buttfuck cancer than
make these changes.
The office goes quiet. Tension mounts.
CARBUNKLE
Your words don't scare me Mr.
O'Donoghue. I'm a woman of God.
O'DONOGHUE
I've heard God's love is blind. Now
I know why.
Carbunkle presents her RED PEN.
CARBUNKLE
You see this? I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker, but this
one is special. It has kept America
safe for the better part of a
decade. It is a weapon against
vulgarity, sex, communism, and
heathenism.
76.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
O'DONOGHUE
What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?
CARBUNKLE
Yes, that too.
O'DONOGHUE
How `bout infanticide?
CARBUNKLE
Excuse me?
O'DONOGHUE
Apologies. Just a two dollar word
for a parent who kills their own
child.
CARBUNKLE
The mere thought makes me nauseous.
O'DONOGHUE
Understandably - Me too, by the way
- It's just, I had this idea for a
sketch... I'm not sure if it's
funny, you can be th e judge. It's
about this powerful temperamental
guy who rapes this virgin in the
middle of the night - I know, awful
- He knocks her up without ever
saying hello, buying her flowers,
whatever... And then, and then,
here's the funny part, he has their
bastard son publicly mutilated and
tortured to death on a cross.
(a beat)
Wait, you've heard this one before.
CARBUNKLE
You're a vile human.
O'DONOGHUE
I know. We both are. I'm just more
entertaining.
Carbunkle pulls off her pill box hat and goes to leave.
HERB
No, it was funnier with the hat.
CARBUNKLE
(turns back)
Mr. O'Donoghue...
75.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
O'DONOGHUE
Are we still being formal? Please,
just call me Satan.
CARBUNKLE
You will be forgotten... I'm going
to make sure of it.
And with that, she storms out.
LORNE
Are you out of your mind?!
O'DONOGHUE
Look for better or worse, I call it
as I see it.
LORNE
That was worse.
Meanwhile, Barbara runs up to Lorne.
BARBARA
They need you at the loading dock!
LORNE
Surely someone else can sign for
whatever...
(to O 'Donoghue)
You're back on Muppets.
O'DONOGHUE
Fuck you! I'll quit.
LORNE
No, you won't.
BARBARA
It's Leo. He's fighting with
security. There's blood.
25 25
FREIGHT ELEVATOR
Lorne enters and Neil hands him a sandwich. He will notably
never get to take a bite. Before the elevator doors can
close, Ebersol hops on with a smile.
EBERSOL
Hey, while I've got you... I know
you always want to be on the
cutting edge, w ell check this out--
He produces a Polaroid instamatic camera from a bag.
74.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
We can have the actors demo the
camera live. Maybe write it into
sketches, do live commercials.
Funny ones! The payout is bonkers!
LORNE
The cast didn't sign up to do live
commercials. Frankly, neither did
I. Some of the cast might find
it... unseemly.
EBERSOL
Television's driven by advertising.
That's what makes the motor run.
LORNE
Just don't show this to the talent.
We don't want them thinking they're
back on the Kraft Macaroni Hour.
EBERSOL
We're over budget.
LORNE
You don't need to tell me that.
EBERSOL
Somebody needs to tell you that.
LORNE
We don't even know what the show IS
exactly yet. How could we possibly
know the budget?
EBERSOL
If you don't know what the show is,
what the fuck are we doing here?
LORNE
I know the ingredients. Just not
the amounts.
Elevator DINGS.
LORNE (CONT'D)
We just need to get to 11:30...
Lorne drops his uneaten sandwich and runs out onto the...
26 26
DRIVEWAY
Lorne, Ebersol, Barbara, and Neil emerge quickly. We whip
73.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
around just as Leo Yoshimura takes a punch to the face from a
meathead SECURITY GUARD (45). His glasses are broken (they
will be taped-up for the rest of the film).
LEO
Fuck you, fascist!
(steadying himself)
.... fucking pig.
Lorne gets in the face of the security guard.
LORNE
You want to lose your job?
SECURITY GUARD
You want to lose your teeth?
LORNE
I'm the producer of NBC'S Saturday
Night and you just hi t a man with a
Tony...
SECURITY GUARD
I've punched plenty of Tonys.
Ebersol has had enough, and he's bigger then all of them.
EBERSOL
(separating them)
Goddamn it... We're done, alright?
I'm your fucking boss, idiot.
Ebersol gives the guy his card. The guard cools slightly.
SECURITY GUARD
Tell your friends - No deliveries
after 6PM.
He points to a sign -- NO DELIVERIES AFTER 6PM.
Ebersol examines the deliv ery as it's carted to the elevator.
A large pallet of bricks. He picks one up. It's heavy.
Ebersol clearly confused by the delivery of actual bricks.
27 27
FREIGHT ELEVATOR
The elevator is GROANING. It can barely carry the weight of
the bricks.
EBERSOL
(beside himself)
Guys, am I missing something?
(MORE)
72.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
Why do we need real bricks? Can't
we just roll out linoleum?
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
LEO
(still plugging nose) Okay, Jesus, just relax...
Hey, FUCK YOU.
LORNE
(handing a brick)
The vision for home base is a
street corner with all the grit and
texture of New York City.
EBERSOL
You going to use real blood and
vomit too?
LEO
(wiping his bloody nose)
I'll give you fucking blood.
DING! - The elevator stops.
LORNE
Why are we stopping...?
Ebersol opens the VERTICAL DOOR to reveal a A DARK FLOOR and
a lone figure standing there with a record player. Andy.
ANDY
Hello, Mr. Michaels.
ANDY (CONT'D)
LORNE
Andy, you can't just wander Sorry.
off like that.
LORNE (CONT'D)
EBERSOL
(back to the bricks) Hm?
Lorne...
LORNE (CONT'D)
Brick is honest. Workmanlike. It
has its pockets out. It's critical
to the success of this show.
LORNE (CONT'D)
E BERSOL
And what is this show, It's...
exactly?
A beat. Lorne reaching for a vision that won't quite come
into focus, when... DING! The Elevator reopens back in 8H.
71.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D)
(exiting)
I mean honestly, Dick, if you don't
know by now...
EBERSOL
(to himself)
I tell you what I do know. New York
streets aren't paved with bricks.
28 28
STUDIO 8H
Hammering. Speakers popping. Lights flickering.
Lorne takes the opportunity to walk Andy away. Meanwhile,
Ebersol passes velvet voiced announcer DON PARDO (60).
DON PARDO
CHEVY CHASE...! GILDA RADNER...!
DAN... AYK... how the fuck do you
pronounce...?
DON PARDO (CONT'D)
PAUL SHAFFER
Aykroyd. DAN AYKROYD!
JOE DICSO
Fifty minutes everybody!
CAMERA floats up above the stage floor up to the bleachers.
We find Garrett Morris and JANE CURTIN (30) watching the
chaos below. The bricks are wheeled by.
GARRETT
You nervous?
JANE
No, not really. I only have a few
bits. The jury thing. News host.
GARRETT MORRIS
Hm. You ever stop and wonder what
you're doing here?
JANE GARRETT
Like on the show? Uh h uh...
JANE (CONT'D)
Yeah... I have a pretty good idea.
GARRETT
And what is that?
70.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
JANE
Well Garrett, I like to give 100%
to everything I do...
(now in commercial voice)
...And I want a dish soap that does
too... So alive, so young,
(shifting moods)
so alluring, so exotic, so
hypnotic, so manipulative, so
sadistically abusive, so
cartoonishly abhorrent...
Garrett is not quite sure what's happening here.
JANE (CONT'D)
(sudden sunny shift)
When it comes to my skin and my
sensitive parts, I only trust 100%
American steel wool. Made strong
enough for a man, but whimsical and
helpless enough for a woman. So
before you invest in one of those
high priced other labels, bend over
and experience a Philadelphia blast
furnace on your satin slipcovers.
(critical)
Don't wait - Act now. Act like your
very life depends on it. Act like
your children's lives depend on it.
Act like the children in Africa
depend on it.
GARRETT MORRIS
What the fuck was all that?
JANE
That was my twenties Garrett. And
that's what I'm doing here.
GARRETT MORRIS
Shit, I'm just here to play th e
butler, the shoe shine guy, and the
pimp.
JANE
You seem a little nice for a pimp.
GARRETT MORRIS
You're a little pretty for a
comedian.
69.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
JANE
Here's to staying out of the
spotlight.
A SPOTLIGHT HITS Jane and Garrett, but immediately abandons
them and floats up to the top of the bleachers. From the
stage's feeble speakers, we can just hear DON PARDO, the
show's baritone announcer -
DON PARDO (O.S.)
Your host, George Carlin!
PAUL SHAFFER noodles out a riff on the piano. Comedian GEORGE
CARLIN (40), amped, walks by Garrett and Jane toward s HOME
BASE. He makes his way down a finicky staircase.
CARLIN
I can't just come out from behind a
god damn curtain? I've got to
descend like fucking Norma Desmond.
(to the audience)
And fuck you... and fuck you... and
fuck you...
(to the stage hands)
And fuck you...
The stage hands love it. They give him a good Fuck You back.
Carbunkle, the NBC censor is on the floor, twitching her
nose. Lorne leans ov er to Neil and motions towards Carbunkle.
LORNE NEIL
Try to distract her. How?
LORNE (CONT'D)
With your sparkling wit.
Neil nods. We follow him as he sidles up to Carbunkle. He
pulls out a DECK OF CARDS and begins a magic trick.
NEIL
Ma'am? Would you agree this is a
normal deck of cards? No marks, no
folds, or blemishes?
Carbunkle barely acknowledges Neil. She is focusing her
energy on George Carlin, who passes S HAFFER on the piano and
continues to home base.
CARLIN
Welcome to the show, blah-de-blah,
going to be some music, some
laughs, plug the record...
68.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24) .
Neil continues with his card trick. Buzzing in Carbunkle's
ear like a persistent fly.
CARLIN (CONT'D)
(begins a bit)
You ever look at the crowds in old
movies and wonder if they're dead
yet?
Some laughs from the stage hands.
CARLIN (CONT'D)
Does that make you uncomfortable?
It shouldn't. Why is death so
unsettling? What's going to happen
tonight? I'm either going to kill
up here or die...
CRASH! - A pile of BRICKS is du mped at Carlin's feet. Brick
dust plumes as Carlin flinches back.
CARLIN (CONT'D)
Christ! Are you serious with this
shit?
JOE DICSO
And throw to Janis...
CARLIN
(looks into our camera)
Ladies and Gentlemen, Janis Ian.
CAMERA PANS to find JANIS IAN with an acoustic guitar. She
begins to play her hit single At Seventeen. Quiet, plaintive.
JANIS IAN
I LEARNED THE TRUTH AT SEVENTEEN,
THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY
QUEE NS...
Carlin hops down as Carbunkle approaches home base.
CARBUNKLE
Mr. Carlin, I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards...
CARLIN
I didn't know they had any...
JANIS IAN
THE VALENTINES I NEVER KNEW, THE
FRIDAY NIGHT CHARADES OF YOUTH,
WERE SPENT ON ONE MORE BEAUTIFUL,
AT SEVENTEEN I LEARNED THE TRUTH.
67.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne quickly interjects.
LORNE
He's busy, Joan. Why don't you
share your concerns with me?
CARLIN
No, I'd like to hear her concerns
personally, if you don't mind.
CARBUNKLE
Mr. Carlin, I know you have a
propensity for the obscene and a
lurid interest in colorful
language. You'll be happy to know
there is one delay button and my
finger is on it.
CARLIN
I'd never have guessed you'd found
the button, let al one touched it.
JANIS IAN
WHO CALLED TO SAY, "COME DANCE WITH
ME", AND MURMURED VAGUE
OBSCENITIES, IT ISN'T ALL IT SEEMS,
AT SEVENTEEN.
Carlin already walking away. Neil jumps in!
NEIL
(holding up a card)
Is this your eight of diamonds --
He tries to slip a card like a smooth operator but fumbles.
THE DECK SCATTERS TO THE FLOOR.
Oblivious to the stand-off, Leo the art director hops down
and begins laying bricks with a trowel. He looks up at a SHOP
STEWARD with a handful of STAGE HANDS sitting nearby.
LEO
Are you gonna help?
SHOP STEWARD
Yeah, we don't do bricks.
(to his mates)
Which guild does the bricks? Is it
422?
STAGE HAND ONE STAGE HAND TWO
Nah, that's carpenters. How Nah, that's the pipefitters.
*
about 303?
66.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
The stage hands chuckle but don't move a muscle. Leo fumes.
SHOP STEWARD
Don't know why you're laying brick.
You're going to be gone in 2 weeks.
JANIS IAN
A BROWN EYED GIRL IN HAND-ME-DOWNS,
WHOSE NAME I NEVER COULD PRONOUNCE,
SAID, "PITY, PLEASE, THE ONES WHO
SERVE, THEY ONLY GET WHAT THEY
DESERVE."
29 29
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Carlin walks by Billy Crystal, who is holding a large bowl of
potato chip s. Carlin grabs a chip.
BILLY CRYSTAL
Hey! That's a prop.
Carlin turns and bows mid-stride. Billy flashes him a smile.
Valri watches, sitting on the discarded BURNED SOFA.
(Note: the hallway is decidedly less chaotic for this
sequence. The quiet before the storm.)
BILLY CRYSTAL (CONT'D)
(to Valri)
It's like one of those 1950's
Safari Flicks. The ones that
starred Rhonda Fleming and Susan
Hayward... Every time I take a step
you put your hands in the bowl and
crunch the potato chips. Try it...
Billy mimes taking steps through tall grass. With every step,
Valri crunches her hands in the chips. The effect is
remarkably convincing. Valri adds bird calls. Billy adjusts
his pretend safari helmet and aims his pretend safari rifle.
In his sights....
Lorne at the Run of Show Board. He unpins a couple cards and
swap s them. Can't make heads or tails out of it. Walks away.
BILLY CRYSTAL (CONT'D)
(breaks character)
There's no way they can fit all
this show. Something's got to go.
VALRI
You think?
65.
6
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BILLY CRYSTAL
(calls over)
Hey Lorne - Can we talk minutes?
LORNE
(barely looks over)
Doing great, Billy.
Lorne disappears around a corner. A BEAT.
VALRI BILLY CRYSTAL
That was weird. Yep, we're fucked.
Garrett Morris turns on Main Street. As he passes the
costumes room, we see Laraine working on some sort of QUICK
CHANGE with the wardrobe assistants. It's not going well.
We continue with Garret, up to Be lushi who begins to sniff
him like a hound... like a police dog... He somehow just
knows that Garrett is copping drugs.
Belushi now seriously sniffing, making Garrett blush. John
pats him down and comes up quickly with the vial of cocaine.
BELUSHI
What do we have here?
GARRETT MORRIS
Billy Preston's band hooked me up.
It's medical grade. Floats in the
bottle. Then you float.
Belushi pops the top and hoo vers the entire vial up in one
snort. He hands the empty vial back to Garrett.
BELUSHI
Yep, checks out, medical grade.
Garrett is stunned. Belushi walks off.
30 30
HAIR/MAKE-UP ROOM
Belushi enters to find Chevy doing an audio interview with a
young reporter holding a wired microphone. Jackie looks for a
way into the interview herself. Jane and Laraine are in black
leotards and BEE HEADPIECES.
64.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHEVY
We have many talented improvisors
from Toronto and Chicago and I'm
sure they'll find their way on to
the program, but yes, I think
you'll be seeing me fairly
regularly.
Belushi watches him with contempt, SNORTS derisively.
Starting to feel the coke. Chevy looks over, notices a bit of
powder on Belushi's nose.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
You missed a little there.
Belushi nonchalantly works the residue into his nose as a
make-up gal approaches him with a shaving razor and foam.
Lorne enters, holding Belushi's contract.
LORNE
While I've got you captive.
BELUSHI
They want to neuter my chin.
LORNE
You are getting a little wooly.
CHEVY
Be careful, there's no jaw under
that beard. Just 10 pounds of neck.
Belushi HURLS an NBC ashtray at Chevy's face. It hits our
camera instead, BREAKING THE LENS.
Belushi lunges for Chevy. BOTTLES and BRUSHES go flying. It's
a quick melee in a small room. Gilda and Laraine react with
genuine concern. Hair and Make-up artists look for cover.
Janis Ian playing ironically against the violence.
Rosie escorts the reporter out as Lorne wedges his way in
between the yet-to-be-comedy-giants.
LORNE
(dad)
For God's sakes. Chevy - Out. Out!
Che vy leaves in a huff.
LORNE (CONT'D)
We're throwing things now?
63.
6
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BELUSHI
He started it!
Rosie drops into Belushi's lap.
ROSIE
It's just a shave, John.
BELUSHI
So NBC owns my fucking face?
ROSIE
Would Jimi Hendrix play in mittens?
LORNE
It's a valid point, John. You will
go down as one of the giants of
character expressionism of the
twentieth century. Chaplin. Brando.
Why hide your gifts?
ROSIE
... Beards are for pussies.
John considers this. Nods to the woman with the raz or. She
gets to work tying a cloth around his neck, prepping foam.
BELUSHI
(snorts)
And the bees are bullshit. I didn't
sign up for that theme park shit.
LORNE
You think I don't know that? Of
course they are. The bees are
ridiculous. They're stupid. They're
post-modern. They're Warhol. Sgt.
Pepper They're a commentary. I'm
glad you get it.
Rosie smiles, watching Lorne use her language. They make eye
co ntact. Lorne slides John's deal memo over.
LORNE (CONT'D)
We go live in less than an hour. I
need you to sign.
John is considering when Lorne notices something.
ROSIE
What? What happened?
Lorne looks around... The music has stopped.
62.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
What happened to the music?
Lorne grabs the unsigned contract, but leaves his pen on the
counter. He swiftly exits and we follow --
31 31
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - MAIN STREET
Lorne walking amongst a few crew on a smoke break.
LORNE
Why'd she stop playing?
32 32
STUDIO 8H
Lorne enters to find a work freeze in the DARK studio.
LORNE
(calls out)
Hey... What's happening?
JANIS IAN
Was I playing too loud?
LORNE
You were per fect.
(swings to Ebersol)
What the hell is going on?
EBERSOL
(on phone)
Yes, that's 50th street between 5th
and 6th.
(to Lorne)
I'm on with the outfit that
supplied speakers for Wakeman at
the...
(on phone)
Yes, Rockefeller Plaza. Do I sound
like I'm kidding?
LORNE
Toscanini! Height of audio
fidelity!
(to Disco)
What can we be doing?
JOE DICSO
No lights. No sound. We go live in
45. What do you want to rehearse?
Full stop. For the first time, nothing is happening.
61.
6
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Pull up Weekend Update.
Commotion again - Cables are lifted as sets move and the
Weekend Update flat is swiftly rolled out in front of home
bass, where Leo is slowly LAYING BRICKS WITH A TROWEL.
Costumers slide a jacket onto Lorne. He sits behind the desk
and swallows before staring into the dark abyss of the lens.
We hear Audrey click her stopwatch.
DON PARDO
From Saturday Night news
headquarter s, this is Weekend
Update with Lorne Michaels.
LORNE
(nervous)
Our top story tonight, some world
news: Japan Emperor Hirohito met
Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this
week. The Emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Tepid laughter. Herb Sargent and O'Donoghue concerned.
LORNE (CONT'D) O'DONOGHUE
How was that...? Horrible.
Lorne nervously looks to his side to find Belushi, now
shaven, wearing a suit jacket over his bee costume.
LORNE (CONT'D)
And now with a w eather report, we
turn it over to meteorologist John
Belushi. What's it looking like out
there John?
BELUSHI
Thank you Lorne. It's often said
that March comes in like a lion,
and goes out like a lamb. At least
that's how March works here in the
United States.
(beat)
But did you know that March behaves
differently in other countries? In
Norway, for example, March comes in
like a polar bear and goes out like
a walrus.
60.
6
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
32A 32A
CONTROL ROOM
Dave Wilson and team watching Belushi on MONITOR.
BELUSHI
Or, take the case of Honduras...
DAVE WILSON
Where'd they find this guy? A
butcher shop?
BARBARA GALLAGHER
I've got a mechanic that could be
his brother.
32B 32B
STUDIO 8H
Lorne and crew watch as Belushi builds with steam. A camera
guy zooms in.
BELUSHI
... And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo, and
stays a kangaroo for a while, and
then it becomes a slightly smaller
kangaroo. Then, for a couple of
days it's sort of a cross between a
frilled lizard and a common house
cat...
Lorne now inching away from Belushi - The volcano on the
verge of eruption.
The crew meanwhile is transfixed.
BELUSHI (CONT'D)
Now, now, and it's not Australia!
You'd think it would be Australia,
but it's not!
A couple of the stage hands even laughing now a nd murmurring
to each other.
BELUSHI (CONT'D)
(spinning out)
And there are nine different
countries, where March comes in
like a frog, and goes out like a
golden retriever. But that- that's
not the weird part! No, no, the
weird part is, is the frog. The
frog- The weird part is...
59.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Belushi works himself into an intense physical convulsion.
For a moment, the crew shows concern, completely entranced by
Belushi's performance. He performs a coronary over the desk,
splaying out onto the floor.
And then, wild laughter gives way to the chatter of awe.
Lorne jumps down to help John off the floor.
LORNE
I surrender. You're a genius. Now I
need you to sign your contract.
Belushi grunts.
L ORNE (CONT'D)
I think that's a yes.
Lorne places the contract on the Update desk.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Neil! I need a pen!
Whip to Neil, who is mid-card trick. His cards go sputtering.
Meanwhile, Barbara runs up, breathless.
BARBARA
Lorne, there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office...
LORNE
It's Carson . Okay, I'll be right
back. Get Belushi a pen.
(then)
Don't let him use it as a straw.
Lorne exits swiftly. Running u pstairs.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Rehearse something... Anything!
JOE DICSO
Bee Hospital to stage left.
We see BEE HOSPITAL being set up. Again, cameras on the move,
cables are lifted for moving flats. Actors in Bee Costumes
entering and taking places. Belushi, annoyed at the costumes.
We follow Lorne out of 8H --
33 33
STAIRWELL
58.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne rushing up the stairwell trailed by Neil. As they round
a corner in the stairwell, we find Jim Henson waiting in
ambush. He starts following Lorne up the stairs. Lorne
doesn't slow down.
HENSON
Mr. Michaels...
LORNE
Mr. Henson, excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures
have in store for us tonight...
HENSON
Well, Lorne, we don't have any
script pages. We're flying blind
here. Muppet s don't riff.
LORNE
Absolutely. This is the first I'm
hearing of this. It's unacceptable.
(to Neil)
Neil, Jim needs his pages!
HENSON
Thank you. And can you please
remind your crew not to leave the
muppets in compromising positions?
LORNE
That doesn't sound like them...
HENSON
They left a note.
LORNE
They didn't.
HENSON
It said... (quietly) "Fuck-Rags For
Rent."
LORNE
(stifles a laugh)
I'll speak to Michael.
34 34
9TH FLOOR CORRIDOR
Lorne heading with steam to his office.
Lorne passes the green room door. Affiliates pour out, still
drinking, Lorne navigates through them like Frogger...
57.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
35 35
LORNE'S 9TH FLOOR OFFICE
Lorne takes a breath. His office is cleanly appointed. Black
leather and old lamps. A LARGE WINDOW looking over Studio 8H.
LORNE
Oh, hey Bernie...
Turn to find BERNIE BRILLSTEIN on the sofa, with his whiskey.
He motions to leave, but Lorne stops him.
LORNE (CONT'D)
(kindly waving him off)
No, no, you're good.
(picks up the receiver)
Hello, this is Lorne.
JOHNNY CARSON (O.C.)
I was beginnin g to think you didn't
like me.
LORNE
Of course not, Mr. Carson. You're
the voice of a generation.
LORNE (CONT'D)
JOHNNY CARSON (O.C.)
I just wanted to reach out, That's very kind...
say good luck tonight...
JOHNNY CARSON (CONT'D)
And also, I suppose I just wanted
to make sure we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.
JOHNNY CARSON (CONT'D)
LORNE
Uh... Okay... I do five shows a week - They
could run seven, but Saturday
is a du mping ground, a
graveyard. Who the fuck is
watching TV then?
Carson opines, but we barely listen. Lorne drops the jelly
beans and goes to his WINDOW, looking over the stage floor.
The CAMERA BOYS and STAGE HANDS are still working on that
scene change.... You go this way... I'll go that way.
Lorne spots Belushi surrounded by bee costumes - still
mulling over his contract. Barely listening to Carson now.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Right, of course....
(quietly)
Sign it, you bastard.
56.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
JOHNNY CARSON
I do five shows a week - They could
run seven, but Saturday is a
dumping ground, a graveyard. Who
the fuck is watching TV then? You
know how this all started, don't
you?
LORNE
With a kite and a key?
CARSON
Don't be a dipshit for a second,
kid. I do five shows a week - They
could run seven, but Saturday is a
dumping ground, a graveyard. Who
the fuck is watching TV then?
Belushi clicks the p en and is just about to sign his contract
when... Ebersol interrupts him...
LORNE
No, No, No...
CARSON
So I told Dave Tebet, look, you got
to find something for the weekends.
I don't give a shit if it's game
shows or skin flicks.
Ebersol presents Belushi with a POLAROID CAMERA. A cute
polaroid rep nearby. Ebersol demos the instant film.
Belushi takes the camera with false interest...
LORNE
... Oh, don't let him hold the...
CARSON
Who knows kid, maybe you'll carve
out a little home amongst the dead
beats and the bagheads.
Belushi hurls the camera. The Polaroid Rep takes chase.
CARSON (CONT'D)
But here's a little friendly
advice... Stay the fuck away from
Burbank. Stay the fuck away from my
guests. Stay the fuck away from
me...
Lorne, nose to the glass now. We finally hear Johnny Carson.
55.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
JOHNNY CARSON (O.C.)
... and I know Tebet's got a hard
on for Chevy Chase. Personally I
don't think that kid could ad-lib a
fart after a baked-bean dinner.
Lorne inadvertently hangs up the phone. He steps out onto the
- Watching as Belushi kicks over the bee costumes and storms
off.
36 36
9TH FLOOR UPPER DECK
Lorne goes to say something, but it's too late.
JOE DICSO
Come on John! Where are you going?!
BELUSHI (O.C.)
I go where I'm kicked!
Belushi vanishes.
37 37
LORNE'S 9TH FLOOR OFFICE
Lorne passing back through.
38 38
9TH FLOOR CORRIDOR
Lorne yanks Neil away from making a sandwich.
NEIL
How'd the call go?
LORNE
Tremendous, thank you for asking.
LORNE (CONT'D)
NEIL
Oh, great! Belushi walked.
NEIL (CONT'D)
He quit?!
LORNE
Technically, he would need a job to
quit, but yes. We need to find him.
I'll take the 8th floor. You take
the 9th.
Neil nods and leaves with his half sandwich. For the first
time, CAMERA FOLLOWS NEIL as Lorne heads down a stairwell.
54.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Neil stops at Jim Fox's office.
NEIL
Have you seen Belushi?
Fox on the phone, can't be bothered.
Neil tries a couple more rooms.
NEIL (CONT'D)
You guys seen Belushi...? Hey, I'm
looking for Belushi, anyone seen
him...? Anyone got eyes on John...?
Everyone just brushes him off. Anne doesn't even pause.
ANNE
I'm not an animal wrangler.
Neil finally arrives at a closed door. Magic marker on white
tape reads - THE DEP ARTURE LOUNGE. Light music can be heard.
39 39
THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
Neil opens the door and an Olympian cloud of smoke escapes.
This is the green room for the Saturday Night band.
Inside, a few instrumentalists play tunes, but mostly,
they're just getting high before the show. PAUL SHAFFER (26),
massive glasses and long hair (already thinning).
NEIL
Anyone seen Belushi?
PAUL SHAFFER
Sure, yeah, he was up he re hanging
with us yesterday.
NEIL
(impatient)
No, I mean lately?
A musician hands Neil a TIGHTLY ROLLED JOINT.
PAUL SHAFFER
You sound stressed, you need a hit?
Neil considers this for a moment.
PAUL SHAFFER (CONT'D)
Hey, what's the best that could
happen?
53.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Neil nods and takes a long hit.
PAUL SHAFFER (CONT'D)
Good luck on your quest amigo.
Shaffer closes the door in Neil's face.
40 40
9TH FLOOR CORRIDOR
Neil now counting his steps. The weed is powerful and works
quickly. Neil feels off balance.
Garrett Morris, in bee costume, is suddenly in Neil's face.
GARRETT MORRIS
Neil, who do you think I am?
NEIL
You're a human bumble bee?
GARRETT MORRIS
No man, what would you say my
identity is on the show?
NEIL
I can't answer that question! I
don't have all the answers! I can't
do this right now!
Neil bugs out and runs ahead. He stops at Gilda (in toga)
talking to Billy Crystal.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Have you guys seen Belushi?
GILDA BILLY CRYSTAL
Sweetie, are you okay? Yeah buddy, why are you
holding your face?
NEIL
I don't know. I can hear my own
blood. AM I GOING TO BE OK?
BILLY CRYSTAL
She's not a nurse, kid.
NEIL
I know that!
Neil runs off, leaving us with Gilda and Billy.
BILLY CRYSTAL
Should I be worried?
52.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GILDA
About Neil?
BILLY CRYSTAL
No - Fuck Neil - About my set. I
can't get a straight answer out of
Lorne.
GILDA
(holds his face)
You're family, Billy.
41 41
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - MAIN STREET
Meanwhile, Lorne searches room to room for Belushi when he
runs smack dab into DAVE TEBET and a TUXEDOED COMEDIAN with
greased back hair, tie undone, and a cigar.
TEBET
Lorne, you know Milton Berle.
LORNE
Absolutely. Big fan. G rew up on
your work.
MILTON BERLE
Who didn't? Heard it's your big
night.
TEBET
We're counting on it. How's it all
coming?
LORNE
Just... perfect.
TEBET
Really. Nothing I can help with? I
have a little pull, you know.
LORNE
Honestly, it's been smooth sailing.
TEBET MILTON BERLE
Well, you never hear that. You certainly don't.
LORNE
Yep. Being here must bring back all
kinds of memories.
They take the cross street towa rds Broadway. Milton takes a
look into the wardrobe room. Sees Jackie doing her make-up.
51.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
MILTON BERLE
Sure. Used to call it the RCA Radio
tower - Radio, that wonderful
invention by which I could reach a
million people... who fortunately
couldn't reach me.
TEBET
You know Milt's TV show once pulled
a ninety seven share. Ninety seven
percent of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.
As if on cue, some of the stage hands notice Milton. They all
know him. Hey buddy! Uncle Milty! Miss you!
LORNE
You ever miss being Mr. Television?
MILTON BERLE
(frowns)
What is he talking about?
TEBET
Lorne - Milton remains one of the
peacock's brightest feathers.
MILTON BERLE
It's quite a feather.
LORNE
Of course...
MILTON BERLE
And I'm looking forward to hosting
your show.
They stop on Broadway.
LORNE
Well (coughs) we'd be honored.
There are still so many decisions.
MILTON BERLE
I'm hearing episode five.
MILTON BERLE (CONT'D)
TEBET
Boys upstairs love it. They're the real boss.
Affiliates ate it up.
LORNE
It's a late show. Are you suited
for midnight?
50.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
MILTON BERLE
At sixty seven, I still feel like a
twenty year old, but unfortunately,
there's never one around.
LORNE
Your reputation precedes you.
MILTON BERLE
Yeah, by about eleven inches.
Milton eyes Jackie in costumes and pursues his conquest.
MILTON BERLE (CONT'D)
Excuse me a second.
TEBET
Any sign of Belushi?
LORNE
Hm? Oh, John? I believe he's in
wardrobe. Why?
TEBET
Legal is frantic for his paperwork.
LORNE
Strang e. I'll look into that...
Lorne turns and goes for the CONTROL ROOM DOOR. Locked. He
embarrassingly has to knock again. For a moment, Lorne makes
eye contact with the TOSCANINI PORTRAIT.
TEBET
Lorne, I can imagine what must be
racing through your mind... the
thought, no matter how improbable,
that you might not make it to air.
LORNE
Hadn't even occurred to me.
There's a hive of energy around them. No o ne seems to notice
the tension of the coming conversation.
TEBET
Really? I heard you're having some
technical difficulties?
LORNE
Not that I know of...
49.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TEBET
Oh, it's just that I had heard your
writers were stoned, your actors
were physically assaulting each
other, the sound system was down
and a fire broke out earlier...
Lorne frozen. Tebet plows forward with a smile.
(CONT'D)
TEBET
I've been doing this job a long
time. I've seen it all. I'm sure
you have it all under control.
LORNE
(smiles)
Yes. Minor issues. Already
addressed.
TEBET
(smiles back)
Well, that's reassuring.
LORNE
Oh, this whole conversation is a
soothing shower of relief.
Tebet knocks on the control room door for Lorne.
TEBET
Good - Good. Look, if for some
reason, you can't lock your script
or commit your cast to legally
binding contracts, please rest
assured, the country would be happy
to watch Johnny Carson.
LORNE
I mean, we could always run the
tape of dress rehearsal. Worst case
scenario.
TEBET
(smiles)
That's not the worst case.
The co ntrol room door finally opens. Lorne slips inside.
42 42
9TH FLOOR CORRIDOR
Gilda and Billy at a locked door. Knocking with concern.
48.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GILDA
Neil, everything okay in there?
Gilda looks to others in the hallway for help.
JANE
What's the matter?
GILDA
The band gave Neil a big fat whale
honker and now he's freaking out.
A small gathering forms outside the door... Come on Neil...
Neil... It's okay bud... Open the door, Neil... Chevy Chase
works his way to the front of the group.
CHEVY
(ala Landshark)
Special Delivery for Neil Levy...
Flowers ... Candygram...
Gilda finds Aykroyd.
AYKROYD
What's with the convention?
GILDA
Neil took a hit of something. He's
locked himself in.
AYKROYD
(nods)
Hey Buddy, you freaking out in
there?
NEIL (O.S.)
I took a hit in the departure
lounge.
AYKROYD
Who's grass was it?
NEIL (O.S.)
One of the horn players.
AYKROYD
Degenerates. That's a potent dragon
you're riding, kid. What you smoked
was a sacred strain from the Isaa n
plateau of Thailand. Make no
mistake, that stick is stronger
than a bull elephant. But you're
going to be OK. We're all a little
freaked out.
(MORE)
47.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
AYKROYD (CONT'D)
AYKROYD (CONT'D)
Now, first things first, open the
door so I can make sure your face
isn't inside out.
(winks to Gilda)
Click - Neil unlocks the door and emerges. Danny gets really
close, right in his mug.
AYKROYD (CONT'D)
(mock terror)
Oh Dear God!
(breaks)
Ah, you're going to be fine. Just
need a little studio fuel. We'll
wrestle you up some amphetamines
and you'll be fit as a flea. You
might even like it. You know Robert
Loui s Stevenson did some of his
best work on nose candy. He was a
real freak for the Peruvian Lady.
BARBARA runs up in a panic.
BARBARA
Hey! We need everyone in togas!
Everyone down to the eighth floor!
And with that, they're off! War cries, howling into...
43 43
STAIRWELL DOWN TO 8TH FLOOR
The actors hoot and holler like kids on a rollercoaster. They
pass Jim Fox who covers his ears in a panic.
44 44
8TH FLOOR HAL LWAY - MAIN STREET
The mob of actors storm down the hallway like whirling
dervishes, picking up props and pieces of wardrobe.
They pass Bernie Brillstein eating mac and gravy.
They burst through the stage doors into 8H.
45 45
CONTROL ROOM
On the screens we watch the actors invade studio 8H.
POOK
(to Lorne)
Did Rosie tell you what she wants
for her credit?
46.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Yeah... she was of two minds...
She, uh...
Something catches Lorne's eye. He frowns. On one of the
MONITORS. Lorne gets closer.
It's an episode of THE TONIGHT SHOW.
LORNE (CONT'D)
What is this? Why are you cueing up
Carson?
The room goes a little quiet. No answer.
LORNE (CONT'D) EBERSOL
Who is that? (uncomfortable)
Uh... I think it's Tony
Curtis. That's pretty normal
for a live show, right Dave?
DAVE WILSON
Yeah, anyt hing goes wrong, we bump
to tape.
LORNE
Right...
Lorne is interrupted by BARBARA. She's out of breath.
BARBARA
Lorne! We found a lighting
director!
LORNE
Great! Go get him.
BARBARA
He's lighting a show right now.
This will take massaging.
LORNE
We don't have time... What floor?
Already leaving the control room.
46 46
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Speed walking to the elevators.
BARBARA
Sixth floor. Some variety show.
45.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
He knows I'm coming...?
Barbara doesn't know.
Garret Morris sees Lorne and jumps into the procession.
GARRETT MORRIS
Is this a bad time?
LORNE
It's the perfect time. What's on
your mind, Garrett?
GARRETT MORRIS
Why'd you hire me?
LORNE
You were cheap.
GARRETT MORRIS
Really?
LORNE
I'm being ironical, Garrett.
Lorne slips into an elevator and it shuts behind him.
Garret steps away and almost runs into Gilda.
G ILDA
Hey Garrett... What's wrong?
GARRETT MORRIS
Nothing. I'm just trying to figure
out exactly what I'm doing here.
GILDA
What do you mean?
GARRETT MORRIS
Well, I just can't help feeling
like an outsider.
GILDA
... Because you're so much older?
GARRETT MORRIS
No. I'm... I'm not that much older.
GILDA
You are a little bit older.
44.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GARRETT MORRIS
No, look, I went to Juilliard. I've
been on Broadway. I'm a published
playwright. You know how many
operas I've done?
GILDA
I have no idea, Garrett.
GARRETT MORRIS
Shit, while Danny and Laraine were
eating Fruit Loops, I was
performing La Traviata... in
Italian. You dig?
GILDA
Of course I dig, Garrett, but...
(a thought)
No one is saying you can't sing on
the show.
Garret is about to say something but stops short.
Prelap - DING!
47 47
6TH FLOOR HALLWAY
Elevator doors open revealing Lorne and Barbara. The 6th
floor feels like a time warp to old school variety TV.
Lorne quickly moves between show girls, magicians, animal
acts, a barbershop quartet. A minefield of mediocrity.
Lorne makes it to the STAGE DOORS and plows through into...
48 48
STAGE 6G
Lorne is stopped by the ARM of a production assistant. He's
gestured to wait and be quiet until rehearsal is over.
The stage - A SPLASHY 1970s d esign of starbursts and white
risers. Showgirls in sequins and feathers separate to reveal
none other than - MILTON BERLE. Singing. A Conga line forms.
We swing back to Lorne and realize he is fixated on something
else. A DIGITAL CLOCK - 10:49... becomes 10:50.
Lorne breaks past the production assistant. He runs up the
stairs of the empty bleachers, two at a time, past a couple
unimpressed smoking grips all the way to the light booth.
43.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
At the lighting desk is a GRIZZLY OLD LIGHTING DIRECTOR, arms
covered in Navy tattoos. He spills over the board with his
cigarette, barking at his long-haired young assistant - CARL.
GRIZZLY LIGHTING DIRECTOR
Fuck Carl, get your head out of
your ass. Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter.
Lorne clocks the lighting director, then turns to Carl.
LORNE
Carl, I have a job offer. It comes
with no guarantees, no perks, and
no weekends.
CARL
How's the pay?
LORNE
That's the worst part.
Carl removes his headset. Follows Lorne. They run back down
the bleachers, just as fast. A magician sets up on stage.
49 49
6TH FLOOR HALLWAY
PLOWING through the stage doors and back down the hallway.
Lorne falls over a PRODUCT DISPLAY for La Choy canned Chinese
food, knocking cans everywhere.
50 50
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWA Y
We turn to find Billy Crystal and Valri Bromfield.
CRYSTAL
What's the fastest you could do
your set? Top to bottom.
VALRI
5 minutes.
CRYSTAL
Yeah, me too. Could you do it in 4?
VALRI
Probably.
CRYSTAL
Yeah, me too. They're gonna offer
3, but we draw the line at 4.
42.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
VALRI
Okay. I want to do the show.
CRYSTAL
We're doing the show. We just can't
get jerked around.
VALRI
But we're doing the show?
CRYSTAL
Of course. We just need to be in
this together.
51 51
STAGE 8H
GREEK COLUMNS are being wheeled out as a BREAK ROOM set is
wheeled in. Actors and actresses in Hair and Make-Up. A make-
up assistant presents a Kleenex and Gilda spits out her gum.
Leo has notably only laid down a bout 30% OF THE BRICKS.
NBC Pages hand out updated pages. Cast and crew zip through,
looking for changes. Chevy comes through like a lost dog.
CHEVY
Anyone seen Jaqueline? My fiancee?
Meanwhile - Gilda, Laraine, and Jane are switching costumes
in QUICK CHANGE BOOTHS. They emerge in construction worker
costumes. Rosie is there to direct them.
ROSIE
Gilda, why don't you put your foot
up over on that benc h there...
CHEVY
(wandering through)
You gals seen Jackie?
The actresses shake their heads. They can't help him.
We turn to find Danny, wearing a small courtesy robe. He's
tugging away at whatever costume he's wearing underneath.
It's clearly too tight and riding up his ass.
AYKROYD
(to Rosie)
Hey... is this really necessary?
41.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE
(flirty)
Are you kidding hot stuff, you're
going to melt every TV in America.
We catch Danny using the same line he used on Gilda earlier.
AYKROYD
Ma'am, you know, you're dealing
with a fully qualified male
strumpet.
ROSIE
Oh yeah?
AYKROYD
I have a work order here which
specifies that I am to roger your
roundly...
Laraine looks over to see Danny flirting with Rosie. She
tries not to react. Gilda catch es the moment as well and
distracts Laraine by fixing her helmet.
Aykroyd looks close enough to kiss Rosie when Lorne
approaches and there's just no time to recover.
LORNE
(to Danny)
Any idea where Belushi might be?
ROSIE
Haven't seen him.
Aykroyd is a deer in headlights.
ROSIE (CONT'D)
Danny...?
AYKROYD
Well... John is an anarchist and an
Illinois Alpha Male.
LORNE
What does that mean?
AYKROYD
You know... uh... You a nd I might
approach this vast space like 15th
century peasants entering the
Vatican, but Mr. Belushi's a whole
other animal. He's a skeptic and a
troublemaker. I'd give O'Houlihans
a recce.
40.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE SHUSTER
(translating)
He's at the bar next door.
Lorne nods and turns to Rosie.
LORNE
Barbara is still asking about your
credit on the show.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Whatever you think.
LORNE
Hey, it's your name.
Lorne finds another problem. Half the bricks at Home Base are
still in a pile. Leo trowels as fast as he can. Lorne checks
his watch and eyes the shop steward.
SHOP STEWARD
We'd help if we could, but we'r e
routing for the little guy.
LORNE
At least your heart's in it.
Lorne steps away and we pan back to Aykroyd.
AYKROYD
Are we good? Is he alright?
ROSIE
Young man, whatever's happening
here between you and me is the last
thing on his mind right now.
AYKROYD
The man doesn't wrestle with the
green-eyed monster?
ROSIE
Hardly. Look, one day, on his way
home from grade school, Lorne stops
at a construction site, and just
watches these two wild maniacal
girls jumping on boards. He just
stood there, forever, transfixed by
- me - The girl with the toilet
paper tits.
AYKROYD
You can get arrested for that.
39.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE
We were kids.
STAGE HAND
(interrupting)
Hey Rosie, sweetheart, mind
stepping off that cable.
ROSIE
Yeah, you got it, Moose.
(back to her story)
Anyhow, Lorne lost his dad at
fourteen. His mom sold everything.
He went a year without furniture. I
thought he was just a stray,
looking for a warm piece of carpet.
Like he wanted to be a part of my
family and I was his kid sister or
something. But then, h ormones,
turns out I am NOT his little
sister. So we started dating and I
thought, alright, he wants to build
a family - With me. So we got
married, bought a house and stuff.
No ring or anything, I think those
are pretty stupid. But linens.
China. Anyhow, it turns out, I'm
not the kid sister or the wife. I'm
the writer.
DANNY
And who's he...?
Aykroyd won't get his answer just yet.
JOE DICSO (O.C.)
Ever yone on their marks!
DON PARDO steps up to a mic, holding his headphones.
DON PARDO (O.C.)
We now take you to Ancient Greece
as...
STAGE HANDS hear this and are caught off guard. They begin
moving GIANT COLUMNS INTO PLACE...
JOE DICSO
Wo, wo, wo... Not yet, Don! Wrong
sketch, buddy.
Stage almost barrel into the camera boys.
38.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
JOE DICSO (CONT'D)
Back to one...
Rosie now next to the camera to direct the rehearsal.
ROSIE SHUSTER
Okay, action girls.
Gilda tips her construction helmet and smiles.
GILDA
(brassy New York)
Now that you've mastered all the
technical know-how, it's time we
work on your sidewalk skills.
(gestures to Danny)
Daniel over here has kindly offered
to aid us in a live demonstration.
ROSIE SHUSTER
(directing)
Danny, enter f rom the right.
Danny, clearly uncomfortable, steps into the stage space.
ROSIE SHUSTER (CONT'D)
(directing)
And take off the robe...
Danny sighs and does so, revealing a skin tight red shirt and
suffocating Daisy Dukes.
Immediately, whistles from off camera. Danny is clearly
genuinely embarrassed in front of the crew. Rosie smiles,
having engineered this moment.
GILDA
Now, when a little piece of heaven
like Dan ny walks by...
(to Danny)
Strut your stuff, cupcake.
(to the girls)
Here's how you make him feel right
at home...
Danny is visibly embarrassed and struggling to stay in
character. We can see Gilda already enjoying this.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Hey, beefcakes, yeah you!
Gilda nods to Jane, who nervously approaches.
37.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ROSIE SHUSTER
(directing)
And Jane, try putting your foot up
on the bench.
JANE
(to Rosie)
This good?
(adorably nervous)
Yeah, dreamboat, what's da matter?
A smile isn't gonna cost ya
anything.
GILDA
(to Danny)
Okay, be a doll and move those gams
for us...
Danny gives a little walk in his costume. Gilda follows
closely with her hands out.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Voom, va-va-voom! Voom, va-va voom!
Stage hands eating this up.
SH OP STEWARD
Show him how to do it, Gilda.
Gilda nods to Laraine - Give it to him.
LARAINE
Hey stud muffins, want to make
bouncy bouncy?
Rosie whistles from off camera.
The crew joins in with a few more whistles. Comments start to
fire off from behind camera. Danny seems genuinely
embarrassed and is barely in character.
DANNY
(breaking character)
Are we still doing the scene?
JANE
What's the matter, joy chunks ?
LORNE ROSIE SHUSTER
(under his breath) They're just rolling with it
Joy chunks? now.
36.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LARAINE
(tosses a glove)
Hey, you dropped something.
Danny plays along. He pick the glove up, bending over.
LARAINE (CONT'D)
Nice. Work that little caboose.
LARAINE (CONT'D)
GILDA
Hey, hey, hey, come on, baby. Yeah, crazy pecs! Why don't
ya flex'em for me, butch?
GILDA (CONT'D)
DANNY
Okay, okay... They are so cute when they're
mad.
Danny has fully broken character and is now just blushing.
ROSIE
(tosses him his robe)
Alright, cover yours elf up...
Gilda puts her arm around Laraine.
GILDA LARAINE
*
Nice scene... Yeah, strumpet.
DON PARDO (O.C.)
We now take you to Ancient Greece
as Alexander the Great attends his
Ten Year High School Reunion!
JOE DICSO
Okay, that's you, Rocky, Hal...
cameras are on the move... columns
are in... five, four... Hey Frank,
you still on the clock?
Stage hands on the move with columns... Cameras peds whip out
of the way... The sound booms whips up to make room... A
cable is lifted on a pole so a flat can slide through...
It's actually working when...
CARLIN (O.C.)
ARE YOU SHITTING ME WITH THIS
COSTUME?!
Carlin bou nds onto the stage floor at full volume. He's
dressed as Alexander the Great. All attention is now on him.
Everything crashes to a stop.
35.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne sees Tebet watching everything and swoops in.
LORNE
How can I help, George?
CARLIN
I mean what is this shit? Why am I
dolled up like a fucking towel boy
at Caesar's?
LORNE DON PARDO
You're playing Alexander the ... Ten Year High School
*
Great at his... Reunion!
CARLIN
Uh huh.
O'DONOGHUE
Exactly - So, when Chevy asks what
you've been up to, your response is
"Oh you know, mostly conquering the
known universe."
CARLIN
And this is for television?
LORNE
(one eye on Tebet)
Yes, what's your concern?
CARLIN
My concern is why I let my agent
convince me to do your show.
(waving sides)
I mean, what is this script? Feels
like a Spruce Goose. Lotta wood, no
lift off.
O'DONOGHUE
(flat)
Is that right?
LORNE
Perhaps a rewrite... We have...
(checks his watch)
Jesus Christ...
O'DONOGHUE
(mulls this over)
George, I hear you.
CARLIN
Thanks.
34.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
O'DONOGHUE
I think I understand the reason you
might be struggling.
LORNE
Yes and we want to make it work.
LORNE (CONT'D)
O'DONOGHUE
Yeah, you see these are Sketches.
`scenes'
O'DONOGHUE (CONT'D) LORNE (CONT'D)
... That revolve around ... Michael...
`acting'.
O'DONOGHUE (CONT'D)
That must feel foreign when you're
just a ponytailed vulture, feeding
off the corpse of Lenny Bruce.
Lorne just stares at O'Donoghue.
CARLIN
(smiling)
You know, you're right. I'd hate to
make these skits any worse than
they already are. Thank god no one
will be watching. Enjoy your
fucking circle jerk.
Carlin storms off. Leaves his crown.
A beat as Schiller walks by with the SAGE.
For a moment, Lorne is lost in the chaos of the set.
Carpentry, masonry, lights buzzing, speaker futzing.
Lorne looks over to see Dave Tebet whispering something to
Dick Ebersol. Lorne exits.
Meanwhile, Chevy rounds the back of the ancient greek set to
find Jackie in a toga... and Milton Berle all over her.
CHEVY
Hey hon, they need us in Athens.
MILTON BERLE JACKIE
Jesus, who's this guy? Chevy, Milton taped a show
here back in 1956, isn't that
neat?
CHEVY
She's taken.
33.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
MILTON BERLE
What hours? I'll take the rest of
the evening.
CHEVY JACKIE
Excuse me...? He's kidding...
MILTON BERLE
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.
CHEVY
That's sweet. I remember when you
used to do comedy.
MILTON BERLE
Funny, cause I've never heard of
you.
CHEVY
Probably the Alzheimers. What's the
matter, did you wander off onto an
actual TV set? Hey darling, look,
it's the ghost of television past.
He used to be a n institution. Now
he needs one.
MILTON BERLE
If you want my comeback, you're
going to have to scrape it off the
back of your mom's teeth.
Jackie guffaws.
CHEVY
You're going to laugh at that?
MILTON BERLE
Listen sweetheart, there's plenty
more where that came from.
JACKIE
Oh god...
And just like that, Milton Berle unzips and unravels his
prodigious third leg. Jackie and Chevy stammer.
MILTON BERLE
Oh, do I have your attention? I
have two stars on the walk of fame.
Who gives a shit. I once held
ninety percent of the television
viewing audience. Pleh. That's not
what they're going to remember.
(MORE)
32.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
MILTON BERLE (CONT'D)
They're gonna remember Mr.
Television. Their Uncle Miltie. Who
the fuck are you? You're not a
star, kid. You're barely in the
building. You're not even a
swinging dick.
(to Jackie)
Call me after he's done crying.
Milton zips up and walks away.
Over the speakers, we hear the strum of a harp, followed by
the voice of Don Pardo.
DON PARDO (O.C.)
We now take you to Ancient Greece
as...
JOE DICSO (O.C.)
We're not going to Ancient Greece!
52 52
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Lorne pops through the Main Street doors, running immediately
into Laraine in her reporter's costume, flanked by a couple
costume assistants.
LARAINE
I think we figured it out!
LORNE
Figured what out?
And just like that, in a flash, Laraine transforms from
reporter into her ancient Greek toga. Like a magic trick.
LORNE (CONT'D)
We c ut the toga sketch.
LARAINE
Oh.
Lorne strides towards Broadway. Audrey joins him in step.
AUDREY
(direct as ever)
Even without Alexander, we're still
thirty over. Perhaps we don't need
four musical performances...? Or we
could trim one of the Carlin
monologues...
31.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne nods. He goes to the Run Of Show board and rips
everything off it. It's cacophonous as all the cards fall in
a pile on the floor.
LORNE
Are we under now?
Lorne turns to go but is stopped by Billy and Valri.
BILLY CRYSTAL
Lorne... We've been talking, and we
can't accept less than four minutes
a piece. That's four for me and
four for Valri. We've worked too
hard on our material to accept
anything less. I'm afraid it's four
or nothing.
LORNE
Two minutes.
BILLY CRYSTAL
You need me to cut two minutes?
LORNE
No, I need two minutes of material.
It's two minutes or nothing.
Billy cocks his head. Trying to read the moment.
BILLY CRYSTAL
Lorne, is this for real? I killed
at dress... I was the only act that
killed at dress.
LORNE
Can you do it in two?
BILLY CRYSTAL
I can't even set it up in two.
LORNE
Then I don' t know what to say. I'm
sorry it didn't work out.
(turns to Valri)
Can you make it work in two?
VALRI
(without hesitating)
Yes. Yes I can.
Lorne nods, walks away.
Billy turns to look at Valri. His world shatters.
30.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
We chase Ebersol as he follows Lorne into the stairwell.
53 53
STAIRWELL
Ebersol approaches Lorne carefully.
EBERSOL
I was thinking... Why don't we
punt? Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon...
LORNE
Oh, was that what you were
thinking?
EBERSOL
We're just not ready.
LORNE
We don't go on because we're ready.
We go on because it's 11:30.
EBERSOL
Hey, no one wants this show to
succeed more than I do.
LORNE
Is that so?
EBERSOL
I mean, yeah, I hired you, Lorne. I
stayed up all night at the fucking
Chateau Mormont listening to your
heady theories on comedy because I
believe in you. I take it up the
ass from this network every day,
because I believe in this show. And
I'm telling you, we should run the
dress rehearsal and claw back a win
next Saturday. It's in everyone's
best interest - Mainly yours.
LORNE
Are you...? Was that a threat?
EBERSOL
No, I'm trying to give you advice.
Neil pops his head in at the exact wrong moment.
NEIL LORNE
(chipper) Thank you Neil.
Twenty Five minutes!
29.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Neil disappears. Lorne turns to Ebersol.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Thanks for the advice. We can't.
It's a live show.
EBERSOL
No one will know the difference.
LORNE
We just can't.
EBERSOL
Lorne, you need to start adjusting
your concept of what you can and
cannot do...
LORNE
We can't because there is no tape,
alright?! I didn't record the dress
rehearsal. Now we don't have to
argue about it.
Ebersol is stunned. His face tightens.
EBERSOL
Are you fucking kidding me?
LORNE
(deep breath)
We just need to make it to air.
EBERSOL
I'm not going to be able to protect
you.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
LORNE
I'm used to that. Screw you.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
Do you know how much bullshit never
makes it to your ears because I am
the wall they hit.
LORNE
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.
EBERSOL
O h, I'm sorry you need a sponsor
for a show that can't pull a single
advertiser. You know they're giving
out the ads for free? For free.
28.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Frankly, NBC is lucky to have
something as relevant as this show.
EBERSOL
Lucky? They don't even want it!
LORNE
Yes, that's logical, that's why
they've paid us all to be here -
Because they don't want our show.
EBERSOL
They want you to fail.
Lorne scoffs.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
They're betting on it. NBC makes
more money playing reruns of the
Tonight Show on Saturday.
LORNE
So why don't they?
EBERSOL
Contract dispute. They need to
prove to Johnny Carson that the
reruns are inevitable. So, they
built a show that was guaranteed to
fail.
Lorne doesn't have a quick response this time.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
Ninety minutes of live television
by a group of kids in their
twenties who've never made
anything? Did you ever stop to
wonder why they said yes?
He didn't.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
A counter culture show starring
total unknowns with zero narrative
and even less structure? Are you so
arrogant that you never even
questioned this?
Lorne is speechless.
27.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
Look, this is what's going to
happen at 11:30 tonight. Okay? All
your actors will be on their marks.
Band's tuned up. Joe's hollering
out the count down. You'll be in
the control room and Dave Tebet
will be standing, probably right
next to you. And right as the
screen goes black, Tebet will point
with his big ass jeweled up index
finger and say "Go to Carson". And
that'll be that.
Ebersol b egins to exit. Stops at the door.
EBERSOL (CONT'D)
I know you all make fun of me and
my clothes behind my back. But I'm
killing myself for this show.
(then, quietly)
Also... Polaroid is cool.
Ebersol exits. Lorne is alone in the stairwell. He just
breathes in a long silence. Out of chess moves.
Deep breath. Gathers.
Lorne approaches the door back into the hallway. Steps
through and...
SPLASH! - A GALLON OF BLOOD HITS LORNE IN THE CHEST!
54 54
OMITTED
55 55
8TH FLOOR - BETWEEN MAIN ST AND BROADWAY
A beat as Lorne takes in the moment. Dripping gore.
TOM DAVIS (O.C.) AL FRANKEN (O.C.)
Oh shit, Lorne! It worked!
Reveal Tom and Al holding the blood pump.
LORNE
(quiet)
Nice work, fellas. A little heavy
on the flow. But very funny.
TOM DAVIS AL FRANKEN
Sorry about the clothes. And your face.
26.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Art is but a measure of sacrifice
and tears. Not quite ready for
tonight, but we'll keep it on a
special list.
He taps the wall and begins to walk away with a SIGH.
Lorne rounds the corner onto MAIN STREET. He encounters the a
growing audience lining up. He makes eyes with a few folks,
smiles meekly, still dripping.
Finally past the gauntlet, he arrives at an open elevator --
56 56
ELEVATOR
Jim Henson is standing quietly inside the elevator.
HENSON
Is this an OK time?
LORNE
Ideal.
Lorne is dripping fake blood on the elevator floor. The
elevator man eyes him warily.
HENSON
Look, I know what people say when
they see a man with his arm up a
muppet. But this isn't just kid's
stuff. There's room for high stakes
puppetry on grown-up TV and... I
get the sense that some of the
writers on the 17th floor don' t
respect us.
LORNE
Strong words.
HENSON
I don't use them lightly.
LORNE
You didn't like the pages.
HENSON
There were no pages.
LORNE
Fair criticism.
DING! Elevator doors open.
25.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ELEVATOR MAN
Lobby.
Lorne walks through the lobby and out into the night.
56A 56A
50TH STREET
We follow Lorne into the quiet of midtown Manhattan late on a
Saturday night. True to form, no one flinches as a blood-
soaked man meanders on the sidewalk.
Still struggling to fill his quota, the NBC PAGE calls out -
NBC PAGE
Hey, any interest in free tickets
to a taping tonight--
Without saying a word, Lorne grabs the Page's clipboard and
HURLS IT into the middle of the road. A truck runs it over.
NBC PAGE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Hey!
Lorne stumbles a couple doors down. O'HOULIHANS BAR. Lorne
goes to enter when he sees Billy Crystal at a subway
entrance. Debating whether to descend and go home. He thinks,
then walks downstairs, a broken man.
Lorne sighs and we follow him into --
57 57
DIVE BAR
A crummy midtown watering hole. Lorne walk s in, looks around.
A smattering of old drunks and a few bridge and tunnel
couples looking for some fun in the big city. At one end of
the room sits a long walnut bar. Opposite the bar is a low
stage set against a red brick wall.
On the stage, a BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN.
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
My family, they never quite fit in
here... My great grandfather even
fought in the civil war - He fought
for th e West!
Lorne sits at the bar, cleans off his face with a bar-cloth.
LORNE
Vodka, double, fast.
24.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
A drunk stands before the bench.
Judge says, You've been brought
here for drinking. The drunk says -
Okay, what are we having?
Some GROANS from the crowd. The comedian singles someone out
in the audience.
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
You think you're so funny? Look at
you... Was anyone else hurt in the
accident?
The bartender pours out a shot.
LORNE
Thanks.
YOUNG MAN
Fuck! Bullshit.
Lorne t urns to stare at the agitated young man sitting beside
him. He sits poised over a composition NOTEBOOK.
The man seems to shudder every time the audience misses a
joke, crossing out lines in his notebook like a violent
stenographer. This is ALAN ZWEIBEL (23).
Lorne turns to the young man.
LORNE
What's happening here?
ZWEIBEL
I get paid seven bucks a joke - if
it gets a laugh. This putz is
taking bulletproof material and
filling it with lead.
Lorne putting it together.
LORNE
You wrote his jokes?
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
Yesterday, I told my doctor, I've
got a ringing in my ear. He said,
Don't answer it.
A few chuckles. Alan deflates again.
23.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Why don't you perform them
yourself?
ZWEIBEL
Look at me. This is how much I
sweat - off stage.
Behind them, the comedian closes to tepid applause.
Lorne points to a thick binder on the bar.
LORNE
This your joke book? How many you
got in here?
ZWEIBEL
Eleven hundred. Single spaced.
LORNE
Mind if I...?
Alan slides the notebook on the bar. Lorne starts leafing
through. Smiles at a joke.
BORSCHT BELT COMEDI AN (O.C.)
That was rough. Shit crowd.
ZWEIBEL
Yep, that was it.
The comedian joins them. He fishes out a change purse and
starts pulling out crumpled singles and a handful of change.
ZWEIBEL (CONT'D)
Hey, what's with the quarters?
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
I changed the punchline from 46 to
49 on the one about the Buick -
Much bigger laugh, so I figure I
only owe you 3.50 for that one.
LORNE ZWEIBEL
(to Zweibel) I want a defibrillator.
Do you want a j ob?
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
You serious? This kid?
(to Zweibel)
Tell him what you really do.
(to Lorne)
He's a deli boy.
(MORE)
22.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
He's the schmuck with the little
paper hat who slices the pastrami
behind the counter... and he can
barely do that.
LORNE
(to Zweibel)
How much do you need to live?
ZWEIBEL
I make three bucks an hour at the
deli. Match that.
Lorne extends a hand.
LORNE BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
You're hired. Lorne Michaels. ... Are you fucking kidding
me?
ZWEIBEL
Alan Zweibel.
BORSCHT BELT COMEDIAN
(to Lorne)
You're better off buyi ng the
pastrami.
Lorne gets up and downs the shot.
LORNE
Let's go.
Zweibel gathers his things and follows Lorne out.
ZWEIBEL
When do we start?
Lorne checks his watch.
LORNE
Jesus christ.
And just like that, Lorne and his newest hire are outside.
58 58
SIDEWALK
They step outside and begin walking back to the NBC entrance.
ZWEIBEL
You hear Mr. Ed died?
LORNE
Condolences.
21.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
ZWEIBEL
I'm thinking, maybe we should go to
Mrs. Ed for comment.
LORNE
(laughs)
Next week. Go to Claremont Stables
on 89th and pick out a Tennessee
Walker or something.
ZWEIBEL
How bout a Palomino. I think Mr. Ed
would have graduated to fucking
blondes.
Lorne hears something and PEELS OFF, turns back to Zweibel.
LORNE
8th floor. Follow the trail of
blood.
Lorne continues to follow a sound - The unmistakab le slicing
sound of skating. He smiles.
For a moment, just quiet. We walk with Lorne as he takes in
the magnitude of what he's trying to pull off. He walks by
pedestrians and pays them no mind.
However, we begin to notice something unusual about the
people that brush by. Their clothes... their hair... there's
something recognizable. Each person who passes is a vision of
SNL's future -
Wayne and Gart h, Roseanne Roseannadana, Mr. Robinson, Stefon,
the Church Lady, the Blues Brothers, Mary Katherine
Ghallager, Hanz and Franz, the Cheerleaders, the Nerds,
Samurai, Pat, Stuart, Mango, Dieter, Two Wild and Crazy Guys.
Lorne is on the precipice of changing comedy as we know it...
yet he has no idea. Right now, he's just a 29 year old,
wondering if he'll make it to tomorrow.
59 59
ROCKEFELLER ICE SKATING RI NK
Twinkling Tchaikovsky plays. Golden Sculpture of a God in
repose. John Belushi, still dressed as a bee, elegantly doing
turns with care and beauty. Gilda watches from a ledge,
cheering him on.
GILDA
Faster...! Faster...! Give us a
twirl!
20.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
John throws her a look and goes into a spin.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Maybe this is the last time we'll
be just a couple of shmos.
JOHN
Hm. Maybe.
GILDA
You ever have nostalgia for a
moment while you're still in it?
JOHN
I don't know.
GILDA
I mean you're in the moment, but
you're also looking back on it.
Like right now - I'm here - But I'm
also thinking about this moment
twenty years from now. We're
walking by this rink, m aybe it's
Christmas, our kids are dragging us
by our pinkies, and all we can
think about is this moment, right
before we went on TV.
JOHN
Who says we need to be on TV?
LORNE (O.C.)
The NBC liability clause forbids
you from ice skating.
We pan over to reveal Lorne, now standing next to Gilda.
GILDA
(quietly)
I found John.
LORNE
Thank you, Gilda.
BELUSHI
(annoyed)
Good thing I didn't sign my
contract.
LORNE
*
So, wh at's the deal?
*
(off camera)
*
What are we doing down here?
19.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BELUSHI
*
I want to try a double axel.
*
LORNE
*
(off camera)
*
Can I interest you in... (on
*
camera) a single axel?
*
Belushi is already off. He starts a fast circle, around the
perimeter. His legs chopping at the ice like a thoroughbred.
For a moment, we remember that he was a high school athlete.
He might actually pull this off... He's right on the edge...
he takes flight, spins... and comes crashing dow n, sliding
across the ice and hitting the boards - THUMP.
Gilda yelps in fear! Lorne leaps up and slides over the ice
*
in his dress shoes.
LORNE (CONT'D) *
*
Jesus... I yield, alright? I yield.
BELUSHI
*
I accept your surrender.
*
Belushi still getting his bearings.
*
LORNE
*
Can I help you up?
*
BELUSHI
*
I'm just going to lay here for a
*
moment.
*
LORNE
*
Sure. We have all the time in the
*
world.
*
Belushi looks over at the g olden sculpture.
*
BELUSHI
Who is that asshole anyway?
LORNE
*
(glances)
*
Prometheus. He stole fire from the
*
gods and shared it with man so we
*
could have science and the arts.
*
BELUSHI
*
How'd it work out for him?
18.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
They strung him to a cliff and a
*
giant eagle visited him every day
to claw open his torso and feast on
his liver.
*
BELUSHI
*
Ouch.
*
LORNE
*
It's better not to think about it.
*
(standing)
*
I'm going to head back up. We've
*
got a show to put on and I'd like
*
to be there when I get fired.
*
(adds)
*
I really hope I see you up there.
*
Lorne approaches the nearest door to the lobby of the
building. Of course , it's locked.
Lorne spots the first object he can find... a SCULPTURAL
PEACOCK. He picks it up and BREAKS THE WINDOW with it.
60 60
ELEVATOR LOBBY, RCA BUILDING
Lorne approaches just as - Ding - an elevator opens. Inside,
Rosie is waiting with a costume asst and a clothing rack.
ROSIE
I heard you needed a quick change
for the last act.
LORNE
Thank you. I found Belushi.
ROSIE
(taking in the blood)
Yeah? Did you murder him?
61 61
ELEVATOR TO 8TH FLOOR
The costume assistant helps Lorne into a corduroy jacket.
Lorne complies as though this is perfectly normal.
LORNE
What do you think I should say when
I get up there?
ROSIE
How should I know?
17.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
You're the writer.
ROSIE
You're the talker.
LORNE
I'm the...? You have all the
restraint of a Wurlitzer...
ROSIE
You talk the peel off a grape.
LORNE
(nods)
That's good.
Rosie fastens a DUCK PIN to Lorne's lapel.
LORNE (CONT'D)
I, uh, I won't be offended if you
don't want to take my last name.
ROSIE
Hey, it's not even your last name.
62 62
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - MAIN STREET
Lorne walks passed the WAITING STUDIO AUDIENCE. They're
getting impatient. The NBC Page from earlier is present.
NBC PAGE
Check it out! Full house!
LORNE
What did you tell them?
NBC PAGE
I mean, I lied a little, but
they're all super excited. I think
we might need to let them in.
LORNE
Almost.
NBC PAGE
(to the waiting audience)
Okay folks, we're almost there...
It's going to be a wild night!
16.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
63 63
STUDIO 8H
Lorne walks back into the stage. Still hammering.
He passes a ROCK SOUND CREW, long hair, torn jeans. Then he
hears it -- NEW SOUND. Audio Cables being connected. Lorne
makes a silent prayer to the gods. Maybe Prometheus.
We pass Alan Zweibel hiding behind a FAKE PLANT. Suddenly,
Gilda joins him, in the plant.
GILDA
(conspiratorially)
Are you the writer that Lorne found
on the street?
ZWEIBE L
That's a slightly romantic read of
the story, but yeah, I guess so.
GILDA
You got any characters for me?
ZWEIBEL
I don't know...
(squawks)
You want to be a parrot?
GILDA
(squawks, snorts)
You want to be a parrot?!
Bernie Brillstein walking by.
GILDA (CONT'D)
Oh, Alan, do you need an agent?
This is Bernie. He represents...
all of us, I think?
We see that Leo has notably finished only 60% OF THE BRICKS!
A BOOM SOUND qu iets the entire stage.
ZWEIBEL
The fuck was that?
JOE DICSO
Quiet! Work stops now! Sound
Check!! Who wants to sound check?
A lone Boom Operator steps into frame. Casual. Not a care in
the fucking world. Extends the boom.
15.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
GILDA
Garret! Don't you know a song?!
Garrett Morris enters frame and steps up to the boom. He
parts his lips and out comes an OPERA NOTE of such purity and
beauty, you almost forget what movie you're watching.
We begin to circle Garrett as he holds this impossible
note... and then a smile comes over his face as he suddenly
segues into a song of his own writing...
GARRETT MORRIS
...IIIIII'M GONNA GET M E A SHOTGUN
AND KILL ALL THE WHITIES I SEE...
I'M GONNA GET ME A SHOTGUN AND KILL
ALL THE WHITIES I SEE...
We move through the room, catching reactions. Apprehension,
humor, confoundment...
Billy Preston's Band loves it and offers accompaniment.
GARRETT MORRIS (CONT'D)
...WHEN I KILL ALL THE WHITIES I
SEE... AND WHITEY, HE WON'T BOTHER
ME... I'M GOING TO GET ME A SHOTGUN
AND KILL ALL THE WHITIES I SEE...
Garre tt crescendos and bows to thunderous applause.
LORNE
Bravo!
It's then that Lorne notices Ebersol standing with Tebet...
and all FIFTY AFFILIATES from the Green Room. Now on the
stage floor. Lorne nearly double takes (but doesn't).
LORNE (CONT'D)
Oh hello, gentlemen, how long have
you been standing there?
TEBET
Long enough.
AUDREY
We need to let the audience in.
TEBET
Perhaps you kids aren't quite ready
for prime time.
LORNE
What are you talking about?
14.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TEBET
Look around Lorne. You haven't
locked a script. Your actors are
missing. Your crew's in open
rebellion. Forget what standards
and practices have to say. They'd
be laughing at you in Burbank.
Rosie steps in.
ROSIE
But this isn't Burbank. It's New
York fucking City.
It's gone quiet. Lorne looks over at Rosie.
LORNE
We have a hell of a show. We have
two bands.
ROSIE
Three if you count Janis Ian.
LORNE
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive...
TEBET
Do you even know where they are?
LORNE
M-Most of them. Yes.
TEBET
(dismissive)
Maybe we'll try again next
Saturday.
LORNE
Come on man. Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves all
week to make something special. To
make something innovative and
actually good. Have you done this
so long, that you can't recognize
the potential for greatness when
it's right in front of your eyes?
TEBET
Do you even know what this show is?
And finally, Lorne is able to answer the question.
13.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
It's an all nighter in the city.
It's catching Richard Pryor at a
drop in, or finding Paul Simon
strumming in the back of a dive
bar. It's meeting a girl outside a
bodega and getting lucky in a phone
booth. It's everything you think is
going to happen when you move to
the city.
The words play through the room beautifully.
TEBET
(locks eyes)
Show me.
LORNE
Show you what?
TEBET
Show me the greatness.
LORNE JOE DICSO
We're going to be live in... Ten minutes!
TEBET
No you won't. Show me.
ROSIE LORNE
We could show them the God, no...
Muppets...?
LORNE (CONT'D)
AUDREY
Bee Hospital... You're not helping...
The sound of a NEEDLE HITTING A RECORD interrupts them.
We turn to find ANDY KAUFMAN on stage with his RECORD PLAYER.
The MIGHTY MOUSE theme song begins to play. Lorne, jaw on the
floor, doesn't know quite what to do.
The affiliates start bobbing along to the music. We move
through the room catching smiles and nods from the whole
crew. It's a unifying moment.
We arrive back at Andy just in time for the chorus...
ANDY KAUFMAN
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!
The crew APPLAUDS. Lorne spins to the Affiliates... They find
it hilarious. They're on board!
12.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne runs up to Andy. Lifts the needle off the record.
LORNE
(pats Andy on the back)
Save your voice. BRING IN UPDATE!
DON PARDO
AND NOW... WEEKEND UPDATE...
The Weekend Update Set comes sliding in.
The Affiliates take a step closer to see what's next.
Lorne comes running down to the desk. A costume assistant is
waiting with Lorne's wardrobe change.
Lorne turns to Chevy, who is still stinging from his mo ment
with Milton Berle. Lorne puts a hand on his shoulder.
LORNE
You take it.
CHEVY
Are you sure?
LORNE
The show needs a face.
CHEVY
Should I make up a name for the
news anchor?
LORNE
Use Chevy Chase. No one will
believe it anyway.
Chevy hops up and takes the desk, measuring it with his arms.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Remember, when you look in the
lens, you make eye contact with
America.
Before Chevy can absorb that...
DON PARDO
W EEKEND UPDATE... WITH CHEVY CHASE!
The affiliates light up! They LOVE Chevy.
Just then, AL SIEGEL, the cue card guy fumbles the cards.
They tumble to the ground. He scurries to grab them.
Chevy improvs a beat. Picks up the phone on the desk.
11.
1
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
CHEVY
(flirty)
Hey doll... What are you wearing...
I bet it does...
Alan Zweibel seizes the moment and slides Chevy a card.
Chevy gives it a quick read and smiles.
CHEVY (CONT'D)
(to camera)
The Post Office announced today
that it is going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution in the
United States. It's a ten cent
stamp, but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
This BRINGS THE HOUSE DOWN.
Chevy buzzes wi th the win. Bangs the desk with his fist!
BARBARA
We need to open the doors...
Lorne turns to Tebet, who holds stoically. He can feel the
pressure of the affiliates around him. Finally, he nods.
LORNE AUDREY
Let `em in. Thank God.
Everyone is on the move again. Camera pushes into Chevy.
CHEVY
(looks into lens)
Ladies and Gentlemen, Billy
Preston!
The Billy Preston band KICKS TO LIFE with the song "Nothing
F or Nothing". The stage feeds off their energy.
We look up to see audience members beginning to enter from
the 9th floor deck into the bleachers.
We move to HOME BASE, where Yoshimura is struggling to
finish. Stage Hands still watching.
SHOP STEWARD
This floor ain't going to lay
itself. Come on, grab a brick!
The stage hands get to their knees and start laying the floor
with Leo. Even Chevy jumps in.
10.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
Lorne is taking in all the action. Barbara Gallagher presents
Carl from the 6th floor.
BARBARA GALLAGHER
Lorne, remember Carl?
LORNE
Carl?... Oh Carl!!
(to the lighting board)
You ever used one of these?
CARL
Not-a once.
LORNE
You'll pick it up in no time.
We look up as the SKYLIGHT PIECE swings out over Home Base.
LORNE (CONT'D)
Keep it steady boys.
We see Neil warming up the audience with a magic trick.
Carbunkle, NB C Standards, stops Ebersol mid-stride.
CARBUNKLE
(referencing the script)
Dick, question on page 26 of the
script. What is a "golden shower"?
Some of the stage hands look up. Ebersol stammers. Lorne
opens his mouth to cover, but Rosie jumps in --
ROSIE
(pure bullshit)
... It's a yoga practice... in
which practitioners greet the new
day... by allowing the warm rays of
the golden sun... to `shower' over
th eir skin and warm their chakras.
(adding)
It's a California thing.
Carbunkle nods skeptically. Tom Schiller enters with sage.
TOM SCHILLER
(pitching in)
Oh yeah, started at Esalen. I've
had at least fifty golden showers.
9.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
EBERSOL
(with sudden authority)
You heard him Sue, sign the damn
script. We're going to air!
Carbunkle is shaken into focus and SIGNS the script in an
officious way. She hands it over to Ebersol. He looks over at
Lorne, finally a full blood member of the family.
JOE DICSO
We're live in five minutes!
The "Wolverines" set is slid into place. Even as it lands,
artists are painting the furniture on to the w all.
LEO
Will this work?
ROSIE
Of course it will. It's nostalgic.
It's Honeymooners. It has to work.
Lorne looks up at the audience settling in as he disappears
under the bleachers. Zweibel is flipping through his joke
notebook and dictating to the cue card writers.
64 64
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Inside the Make-Up Room, Jackie Carlin is doing a touch up on
Chevy's make up.
Nearby, Jane is running her lines in the mirror.
JANE CURTIN
I'm Jane Curtin, and welcome to
another episode of Victims of Shark
Bite.
A the Run Of Show board. Lorne takes a deep breath. He begins
to pin the show back up. He discards sketches and pins others
with confidence. A small crowd begins to gather.
LORNE AYKROYD
Can you get that wig on in You got it boss.
thirty seconds?
LORNE (CONT'D) DAVE WILSON
Will the crane get there? It'll happen.
LORNE (CONT'D) ANNE
Did you make the trims to Already on cue cards.
that...?
8.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE (CONT'D)
Laraine, I just don't think there's
time for you to get from the
reporter to the...
Right there and then, Laraine does a three second quick
change from her reporter costume into a flight attendant or
bunny cocktail waitress.
LORNE (CONT'D)
I stand corrected.
Lorne pins the final card into the board, he turns to Audrey.
AUDREY
Is that our show?
LORNE
That's our show.
JOE DICSO
Three minutes!
Lorne turns and bum ps into a TABLE OF HANDGUNS.
LORNE
What the hell is this...?
Aykroyd picks up a HANDGUN.
DANNY WALLIE
Smith and Wesson K-Frame Hey, you asked...
Model 19 Combat Magnum!
Nicely done Wallie.
LORNE
Where did you find these?
WALLIE
I asked the stage hands.
LORNE
Don't share anything further...
Lorne steps over to...
65 65
GEORGE CARLIN'S DRESSING ROOM
Lorne approaches gingerly. Trying to contain his enthusiasm.
7.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
LORNE
Hey, George, I just wanted to
apologize for the way you were
treated earlier. The buck stops
with me, and I just wanted you...
(frowns)
What's wrong?
GEORGE CARLIN
Maaaahh-jjjsss-trrrrrk.
LORNE
Jesus, are you having a stroke?
Carlin points to his jaw, then at some cocaine on the table.
LORNE (CONT'D)
You need more coke?
Carlin frowns. Points at his mouth again.
LORNE (CONT'D)
(to the hallway)
Danny!
Aykroyd pops in, half dressed. Quickly assesses.
AYKROYD
Lockjaw! Too much coke ceasing up
the old mandibulars.
Aykroyd already behind Carlin, grabs his face and begins to
massage his thumbs into the jaw joint. It's painful.
Lorne ignores the screams of pain and steps back out almost
bumping into Michael O'Donoghue. Lost in the moment.
We follow O'Donoghue back into...
66 66
STAGE 8H
The crew is working like a well oiled machin e! The way the
stage hands and camera boys move together is a ballet.
Michael nervously approaches the set, ignoring the audience.
He takes a seat on stage. The lights really hitting him.
Painters are drying a fresh coat with hair blow dryers.
JOE DICSO
Two minutes!
Al and Tom pay him a visit.
6.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TOM DAVIS
Can you imagine being first up!
AL FRANKEN
Opening the show and all!
Make-Up and Hair are patting O'Donoghue down. Someone removes
his glasses, wipes them, and places them back on his face.
AL FRANKEN (CONT'D)
TOM DAVIS
Millions of people trying to How they want to spend their
decide. Saturday Night.
TOM DAVIS (CONT'D)
And what's the first thing they
see...?
TOM DAVIS (CONT'D) AL FRANKEN
No logo, no intro. Just a close-up of your face.
AL FRANKEN (CONT'D)
But who gives a fuck, right?
AL FRANKEN (CONT'D)
TOM DAVIS
It's just a bunch of animals You're going to do great!
watching their lava lamps!
TOM DAVIS (CONT'D) AL FRANKEN (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, we can't wait! We're pulling for you!
Tom and Al wander off laughing as Wally hands a very nervous
O'Donoghue a BOOK and places a PIPE in his mouth.
We turn with Lorne to find the final bricks of home base
going down. He lo oks up, the skylight still swaying.
Billy Preston and his band come to a rousing conclusion.
APPLAUD FROM THE AUDIENCE. It kind of catches our cast and
crew off guard... as they look up and notice THE AUDIENCE!
Gilda comes running out to set, dragging Laraine.
GILDA JOE DICSO
Come on, I want a photo! There isn't time!
GILDA (CONT'D)
Come on! Family photo! It'll never
be the same after this! I'm not
gonna leave un til I get my photo!
JOE DICSO
Fuck - Everyone in! Come on!
5.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
The cast (minus Belushi) quickly gathers on the Wolverines
set by the stairway. Even Lorne gets into the photo.
EBERSOL
I've got a camera!
Ebersol runs up with the POLAROID CAMERA!
The actors gather in the classic yearbook formation - CLICK! -
The Polaroid spits out.
JOE DICSO
Sixty seconds!
We follow Lorne back out, getting pats on the back from crew.
He walks by Paul Shaffer and the SNL Band on his w ay out.
67 67
8TH FLOOR HALLWAY - BROADWAY
Lorne enters just as Anne walks by with a TRAINER leading a
LLAMA. Lorne just shakes his head.
68 68
CONTROL ROOM
Lorne finds a spot in the now packed room. Ebersol creates a
small buffer between him and Tebet.
Commercials are playing back on monitors.
Cameras are getting focus checks.
Rosie enters and stands next to Lorne.
BARBARA
Rosie... We need your last name for
the credits.
ROSIE LORNE
Shuster. Shuster.
He chuckles. She takes his hand low where only we can see it.
Lorne clocks a monitor with Carson still cued up and ready.
JOE DICSO (O.C.)
Thirty Seconds!
The very last commercial before air starts.
DAVE WILSON
Michael, can we get a sound check?
4.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
O'DONOGHUE (O.C.)
1... 2... uh, 3...
DAVE WILSON
(to the room)
Someone's got the yips.
JOE DICSO (O.C.)
Twenty Seconds!
DAVE WILSON
George Carlin to his mark. Mr.
Carlin, can I get a sound check?
GEORGE CARLIN (O.C.)
1, 2, Fuck You.
JOE DICSO (O.C.)
Ten Seconds!
POOK DAVE WILSON
Carson still cued. Are we going live or going to
tape?
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D) POOK (CONT'D)
Ready camera three... Pre-Roll VTR 24...
Lorne looks into the engi neering room. They begin pre-roll.
On a PREVIEW MONITOR, the countdown for Carson begins.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
JOE DICSO
Eight... Seven... Take Camera three. Ready on
the fade.
Ebersol looks to Tebet.
JOE DICSO (CONT'D)
POOK
Pre-roll at Six... Six... Five...
The room turns around. Hands on button. At the ready.
JOE DICSO (CONT'D)
Four... Three...
We push in on Tebet...
JOE DICSO (CONT'D)
Two...
Everyone waiting for the final word... Tebet raises his big
ass jewel encrusted index finger....
3.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
TEBET
(quietly)
Go live.
BUTTONS ARE QUICKLY PRESSED! ALL SCREENS GO DARK. Everyone
collectively holds their breath.
DAVE WILSON
And, we, are, live...?
MONITOR - Fades up on Michael O'Donoghue. Sweating.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D) BARBARA GHALLAGER
Ready camera one... Push in Cue Belushi...
on one...
Nothing happens.
DAVE WILSON (CONT'D)
(holding his headset mic)
Cue John, cue John, cue John...
Lorne swallows. Eyes darting back and f orth. He's off...
69 69
STAGE 8H
Lorne enters the studio swiftly, gingerly, making it to
camera. Time stands still. We hear a cough from the audience.
Rosie, Ebersol, Audrey, follow...
Lorne keeps getting closer to the stage, watching the
audience squirm in their seats...
And then - Click... The set door opens...
Belushi enters, wearing a wooly earflap hat. He descends the
stairs and sits across from O'Don oghue.
Lorne doesn't blink. Cameras move in.
Belushi using a brilliant foreign unplaceable accent. Perhaps
one of his Albanian relatives.
O'DONOGHUE
Let us begin. Repeat after me. I
would like...
BELUSHI
I would like...
O'DONOGHUE
To feed your fingertips...
2.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
BELUSHI
To feed your feengerteeps...
O'DONOGHUE
To the wolverines...
BELUSHI
To the wolver-eenes...
The audience is laughing. Lorne looks around. It's working.
As we listen to the sketch, we continue to move around the
room, gathering every reaction. The writers. The cast
members. The crew, now united, watching the show with pride.
The audience absorbing this bonkers sketch.
O'DONOGHUE
Next - I am afraid. ..
BELUSHI
I em afred...
O'DONOGHUE
We are out...
BELUSHI
We are out...
O'DONOGHUE
Of Badgers...
BELUSHI
Of Badjoors...
O'DONOGHUE
Would you accept...?
BELUSHI
Wood you assept...?
O'DONOGHUE
A wolverine...
BELUSHI
A woolver-eene...
O'DONOGHUE
In it's place...
BELUSHI
Een is plase...
The audience is in fact loving it. As are the crew. Lorne
turns and we watch as everyone in the room is transfixed.
1.
2nd Blue Rev. (5/3/24)
O'DONOGHUE
Next...
O'Donoghue suddenly GASPS. Grabs his heart. Falls out of his
chair on to the ground, feigning a dramatic heart attack.
For a moment, Belushi is puzzled. But he shrugs, clutches his
chest in a perfect imitation, seizes his face and falls to
the ground. Hard.
Huge laughter. Lorne soaks in the sound. Looks around and
back to stage. Again, we move through everybody taking in
this moment ... No one has any idea what they're watching -
the beginning of a revolution.
In the silence, we find an empty piece of wall. Chevy
stumbles into frame, wearing a headset as though a member of
the crew. He surveys the bodies on the floor casually.
Mumbles something into his headset.
Then he looks directly into our camera. Smiles.
CHEVY
Live from New York...
It's Saturday Night!
SLAM TO BLACK
MUSIC - The Saturday Night Live Band
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