SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE
Sean Anders & John Morris
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
A dozen or so shadowy people are seated in the darkened room.
A slide projector dimly lights MR. FULLER, a crew-cutted
Robert Stack type in a suit, as he addresses the group. The
current slide is a still from a security video of a blurry
figure - it could be any of about a billion people.
...So, let's keep a steely eye out
for this bastard. (THEN) Before we
dismiss, this is your monthly
reminder of why we're here.
Fuller advances to a slide of the American flag. Close on
one of the group - a heavyset bald man in his mid-thirties.
He politely pays close attention to the presentation.
The American people want to travel.
(Slide: Family in front of a fake
dinosaur) They want to attend
baseball contests (Slide: Fat guys
spilling beers as they go for a
foul ball) and popular music
concerts. (Slide: John Tesh)
Close on another face in the group. A doughy man with three-
day scruff and a trendily long haircut. He looks bored,
rolling his eyes at the speech.
They want to be happy. (Slide: People
line dancing) But, Security comes
first. (Slide: Army soldier with a
massive machine gun guards a play-
ground) Without security there can be
no happy. You are America's front
line in the global war on terror.
Let's hit the trenches and let's be
careful out there. (Slide: TSA logo)
The lights come up and as the group files out we get a better
look at their uniforms. The TSA agents move out into the...
INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY
The agents take their places, manning the screening
equipment. We push in on the bald man as he takes up his
post next to the walk-through metal detector. This is KIRK
KETTNER. He is not a looker. His uniform only serves to
highlight his least attractive features but his eyes and
demeanor are pleasant and kind.
The scruffy agent is STAINER. He stands at the x-ray
monitor. As the bags begin to move through, he does not pay
any attention, rather he hands Kirk a flyer.
Kirk, bro. Tonight?
INSERT: The flyer reads, "Wheel in the Sky - a Tribute to
Journey at Club Vertigo - Every Tuesday Night!" Stainer is
pictured wearing a massive afro in the band photo.
I don't know, Stainer.
Dude, you never come see us
anymore. It's been like four
months. Time to forget about
Marnie and get back on the whores.
Stainer does a sex dance that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Fuller shoots a stern look from his office.
It's not that. It's my Grandma.
I'll probably be at the hospital
for the next few nights.
Oh, shit. I spaced that. How's
She's hanging in there but it
doesn't look good.
Dude, I'm sorry. She's a great
lady. That sucks.
A Middle-Eastern man in a cowboy hat is next in line. Mr.
Fuller appears behind Kirk, taps his shoulder and subtly
motions to the Arab. Kirk smiles at the potential terrorist.
Hey there, Habib.
(perfect English with a
Howdy Kirk. Lemme guess; I been
flagged for a random search.
Yeah, sorry. I'll get you out of
here quick. You off to Boston again?
No, sir. Pediatric convention in
Kirk opens Habib's bag.
Kirk, I know you're just doing your
job but, for Pete's sake, ya'll
I'm sorry. It's just...
Kirk gestures to his boss as he zips the bag back up.
Okay, Habib, you're all set buddy.
Have a good trip.
Thanks Kirk. See you next time.
Fuller again appears behind Kirk.
(to fuller - now in a
thick Arab accent)
Praise be to Allah.
You think that's funny!? You wanna
sit in first class or you wanna sit
on my gloved and jellied finger!?
EXT. AIRPORT CURB - DAY
Follow a pair of perfect female legs as the woman's heels
click along the sidewalk, suitcase rolling behind. Although
we can't see the woman riding on these legs, we can see
several men stare as she passes by on her way into...
INT. AIRPORT TICKETING
More stares from more men and even a few women as we follow
the legs to the check-in line. The legs glide to the front
and stop to wait for the next available ticket agent.
From the slightly upward angle, we see two young male ticket
agents. (One on each side of the legs.) One is black and one
white; each are dealing with customers. They simultaneously
notice our woman. They suspiciously eye one another and the
race is on. Each agent begins typing furiously to expedite
their current customer in the hope of waiting on her next.
Angle on the WHITE AGENT as he waits on a yuppie couple.
Okay, how many bags are you
checking? Any bags!?
Is this one too big to carry on?
No. Carry it on. Good call.
Grant, you don't want to lug that
thing all over the airport.
The agent leans back and issues a bothered sigh. He looks to
his right to check the progress of the BLACK AGENT, who is
waiting on an old Asian woman.
Did you pack your bags yourself?
The Asian woman obviously did not understand a word of the
question but she smiles and nods along.
Has anyone unknown to you asked you
to carry anything onto your flight?
More smiles and blank nods.
I think you mean NO.
You can't do that!
She doesn't know what the hell I'm
Where exactly is gate F5?
Just past F4. Have a day now
folks. Let's hustle it up.
No sweat. Keep it moving.
The Asian woman is not going anywhere. The black agent leans
into her face and barks once like a dog. Her smile turns to
fear as she backs away, ending the race in a dead tie.
Reverse to show the woman they were competing for. She is a
classy, sophisticated, blonde around thirty. Drop dead
beautiful. She is startled by the sudden call from both men.
She laughs off her little scare and then randomly chooses the
black agent. He shoots a smug victory grin over to his co-
worker, who is being an overtly sore loser.
Hi, I'm booked on flight 94 to
Burbank. Molly McCall.
(trying way too hard)
California. Fantastic. So do you
travel quite a bit?
The white agent moves to loiter around the black agent's
station, just to get a better look at MOLLY.
Hey Derek. You got the numbers on
the (making it up as he goes) new,
um, procedures for the, um, airport
thing... regarding the, ah, planes?
(to Molly) Whassup?
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
Kirk is at his post.
Stainer works the next x-ray belt, where a young rocker type
is running a guitar case through. Stainer stops the belt and
moves it back to get a better look.
Les Paul Classic re-issue?
No, it's a sixty-five. Mint.
Fuck you. No way.
The rocker boy looks at his watch as Stainer rolls the case
through and pops it open.
Dude, I'm late for my flight.
Sorry, I have to search this case
for, you know, explosives and such.
This thing is sweet!
Stainer takes the guitar out and starts riffing on it as the
bins and bags pile up before him.
At Kirk's station, Molly (the blonde bombshell) is crossing
through. Every guy who can see her has been struck dumb but
Kirk banters with her like he would anyone else. No flirting
or stammering - just friendly and relaxed.
Oh, hello again.
Second trip in two days?
Molly is putting her laptop back in her bag.
Uggh. Yeah. It's just a short hop
to L.A. but they've got me going
back and forth three days in a row.
This client is killing me.
Well hang in there kiddo and I
guess I'll see you tomorrow.
It's a date.
Molly's long legs carry her toward the gates as every man
except Kirk watches. Fuller saunters up and nudges Kirk.
Did'ja see that? Boy would I ever
like to...you know...put my penis
in her vagina. (wink)
Back at Stainer's station. As he puts the guitar back in its
case, he scratches it on the corner of the x-ray machine.
Stainer and rocker boy lock in shocked gazes.
What the hell!?
He grabs his guitar and inspects a wicked scratch.
Dude, I am so sorry.
Sorry my ass! This thing is worth
more than you make in a year, you
Yeah, I bet it was but...
Stainer points to a white sign mounted in an acrylic stand.
"TSA is not responsible for items
lost or damaged in the security
Stainer flips the sign around to reveal a few more words hand-
written on the back. He reads them aloud.
"...so fuck you."
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
Kirk enters to find his MOTHER, an attractive old woman,
sitting with a short, plain woman about Kirk's age.
Hey Mom. Hey Marnie.
Oh, hi Sweetie.
Across the room, Kirk's father is speaking to a man who looks
a bit like Kirk. The man is telling a funny story that
cracks up MR. KETTNER. The two pretend to box for a moment.
Who's that guy Dad's with?
MARNIE (the plain woman) stands and takes Kirk aside.
Kirk, you've been really great about
your mom and I staying so close
since we broke up but I know how
much Grammy meant to you... Well, is
it okay with you that I'm here?
Sure. It's fine. (it's not)
Okay, good. Then can I introduce
you to my new boyfriend?
She leads Kirk over to the man who is speaking with his
father. They are laughing again.
Ron, this is Kirk.
Uh, oh - the ex. Awkward! (Ron
and Mr. Kettner laugh) No! I'm
just jack-assin' with you, pirate.
Great to meet you. How you doing?
I've been better.
Right. Of course. I'm sorry about
your grandmother. It's just so...
Well, old people, you know, what
are you gonna do?
Kirk's brother ERIC and his fiance DEBBIE enter from the
hall. They are both in their late thirties and good-looking
for trailer trash. Debbie is about seven months pregnant.
Little brother. Grammy wants to
Okay. Well, I better get in there.
Eric and Debbie walk with Kirk down the hall.
Listen, I'm pretty sure she wants
to discuss the will. She won't
tell us dick, so we're kind of
hoping you can grease the wheels.
Okay, but you know Grammy didn't
have all that much. Once the
hospital and... and the ah...
Yeah, yeah, the cremation and what
Well, it's not going to leave
enough to get worked up over.
We've got a wedding to pay for,
Debbie, let me handle this. We've
got a wedding to pay for, numbnuts,
and you know Mom and Dad are going
to Branson next month. Now you
always been Grammy's favorite so
we're counting on you to get in
there and sort out what's what.
INT. HOSPITAL - GRAMMY'S ROOM
In a dimly lit hospital room, a very old woman lies in a bed.
She is hooked up to an I.V. and several monitors. Kirk comes
in and forces a smile. Grammy's voice is weak and shaky.
There you are Big Slick. Did you
Grammy, you really shouldn't...
Just hand 'em over. I'm on death's
door and you know it.
Kirk sits and reluctantly hands her a pack of cigarettes.
Oh, for Christ's sake. Filters?
Grammy lights up a smoke and savors a long drag. Kirk tears
up at how slightly his grandmother clings to life.
I love you Grammy.
Don't start that shit now. You're
looking at one lucky old broad who's
done a lot - skydiving, rollerderby,
colored fellas. I got no complaints.
So when the check comes I don't want
any blubbering or bullshit outta
you. Just enjoy your life like I
did mine and raise a glass to your
old Grammy once in a while.
Kirk hugs her and he cries a bit.
You know how much I love you Kirk.
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
Molly is coming through Kirk's lane again. Mr. Fuller steps
in and stops her before she crosses through.
Ma'am, could you please remove your
jacket and shoes?
She does. Fuller is leering at her stellar body. She's
about to go through when he stops her again.
Why don't we go ahead and strip off
that belt too while we're at it.
Molly takes an exasperated breath as she removes her belt.
She starts to move through but again Fuller stops her with a
raised palm. He then motions to her breasts and crotch.
Any piercings you'd like me to know
Why don't you just come on through,
ma'am, and we'll see if anything
sets off the machine.
Molly steps through. The machine does not go off. She
gathers her things and mouths a silent, "Thank You" to Kirk
as she walks on. Fuller glares at Kirk but before he can say
anything, RANDY, a young agent, calls out from the office.
Kirk buddy! Phone call!
Kirk walks over to take the call.
You best hope the terrorists are
taking personal calls on the job
Kirk takes the phone from Randy.
This is Kirk Kettner.
Kirk's expression tells us that some sad news is coming in.
INT. AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Kirk sits at a table with a cup of coffee. He opens his
wallet and flips to a photo of a much younger Grammy and an
eight-year-old Kirk in a casino. Grammy is smoking a
cigarette and dealing blackjack while Kirk sits at the table.
Kirk tears up and puts his face in his hands.
Molly is passing. She sees Kirk and stops.
Oh Geeze. Please tell me I didn't
get you in trouble back there.
No, no. It's not that. I ah...I
lost somebody today.
Molly sits down and puts her hand on his hand.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I
know... I lost my grandmother a
few months ago and I...
Kirk tears up again and so does Molly.
Your grandmother too? And you were
close? Oh, you poor thing.
Kirk tries to keep it together. Molly looks at the photo.
She used to be a blackjack dealer
at the Horseshoe. When I was
little, she taught me and my
friends how to play poker. Turned
us into a bunch of eight-year-old
They share a sad laugh.
So, your grandmother too, huh?
Molly removes a small clear-plastic booklet of photos from
her bag and shows a picture of her grandmother.
My Grammy Keenan was ninety four
but independent right to the end.
She was always trying to cook for
everyone. You couldn't stop her.
Oh, God, I know. Grammy used to
change her own oil. Right up until
a few months ago. She was... Do
you change your own oil?
No. I wouldn't know where to begin.
I know, me neither. She could
barley walk and I'd come over and
find her lying under her Cadillac
all covered in grease.
They share a laugh and Kirk is cheering up a bit. An
announcement comes over the PA.
...final boarding call for United
flight 94 to Burbank...
Oh, geeze, that's me. I'm so sorry.
No, no. Go catch your flight.
Molly stands and offers her hand to Kirk.
Molly squeezes Kirk's hand, grabs her bags and trots off
toward her gate. A businessman near Kirk's table reaches
over and gives him a playful chuck on the shoulder.
Dead Grandma. (a nod and a cheek
click) Nice one.
INT. AIRPORT GATE
Molly arrives at the gate just in time to make her flight.
INT. AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP
Kirk gathers his things and notices that Molly left her
pictures on the table. He looks through them. In the last
pouch are some business cards that read, "Molly McCall -
Event Planner." Her cell number is on the card.
INT. AIRPLANE 737
Molly is sitting in a window seat. The flight is mostly
empty. The two other seats in her row are unoccupied until a
CREEPY BUSINESSMAN moves from the row behind her to the seat
next to Molly. He casually smiles as though there is nothing
odd about taking the center seat while the aisle seat (and
many full rows) are open. Molly looks at the vacant seats
and then at him as if to say, "You've got to be kidding."
How you doin'?
Molly's phone rings and she fumbles to answer it. A FEMALE
PASSENGER sitting two rows back looks annoyed.
INTERCUT: AIRPLANE / AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP
Oh, hi. Molly McCall?
Who's calling please?
It's Kirk... From the coffee shop.
You left your pictures with me. If
you tell me which gate you're at, I
can run them right down to you.
Oh, no. I'm already on the plane
and we're pushing back right now.
Okay, well I'll leave them at the
lost and found and when you get...
Oh geeze, some of those are my only
prints. It would be such a huge
favor if you could hold on to them
for me. I'm coming back next week.
Oh, sure. But how will I...
The female passenger hails the flight attendant.
She's talking on her phone.
The creepy businessman gives the woman the finger and then
looks to Molly for approval. He doesn't get it.
I have your number in my phone. As
soon as I get back I'll call you
and arrange to pick them up, okay?
Thank you so much, Kirk.
Molly turns off her phone and holds it up for the flight
attendant to see.
Thanks. I'm really sorry.
You believe these pricks? So, what
do you do?
INT. VERTIGO CLUB - NIGHT
Kirk comes in and stops at the bar to order a beer. Two men
are waving to him from a table near the stage. Kirk gets his
bottle and snakes through the crowd toward his friends.
On stage, Stainer (in his afro wig) plays guitar as his band
finishes the last chorus of "Lovin', Touchin' Squeezin'."
Thank you! We're going to take a
little breakski but we'll be back
in a few minutes to do Frontiers.
The band turns to put down their instruments and the house
music kicks in.
Kirk arrives where his friends are standing at a high bar
table. DEVON looks like Howdy Doody at 33. JACK is good-
looking and dressed semi-hipster. Devon gives Kirk a hug.
Hey Kirk. How you been holdin' up?
It's been a rough week but, you
know, all of the services and
family stuff keep you pretty
busy... I really miss her, though.
Jack hugs Kirk as well.
She sounded like a hell of a lady.
Oh, fuck yeah! Kirk's Grandma was
Stainer arrives, hugs Kirk and gives him a kiss on the head.
She's with God now, buddy - and you
just know she's bustin' his balls.
Kirk laughs and Stainer raises his glass.
The guys all raise their glasses and take a drink. This is
just what Grammy wanted and it's cheering Kirk up.
Kirk's cell phone rings. He has to talk loud over the music.
Hello?... Oh, Hi. I'm sorry I can
barely hear you. I'm at a club
and.... Club Vertigo? Oh, yeah -
it's right down the street from
there... Okay, sounds good.
Kirk hangs up.
What was that all about?
Nothing, just a passenger. She
accidentally left something with
me. She's going to stop in and
pick it up I guess.
She's coming here? She a cute gal?
Well alright dude! That's a leave-
behind. She digs you!
No she doesn't. Trust me.
She does a leave behind and then
just happens to be in the
neighborhood? She practically has
her hands in your pants.
No, seriously - it's nothing. She's
way out of my league.
Dude, you said Marnie was out of
your league and let's face it,
Marnie's kinda nasty.
Marnie is standing behind Stainer. He doesn't miss a beat.
...Marnie...don't you think Marnie
Tomkins is kind of nasty?
I don't know who that is.
Oh, you don't know Marnie Tomkins?
She's just this girl. I thought you
knew her. Anyway, she's pretty nasty
looking... but you're looking good.
Kirk, I'm sorry about Grammy.
The guys slink away to give Kirk and Marnie some privacy.
I realize she was never that crazy
about me but I know how much you
loved her and I hope you're okay.
Thanks. Thanks, I'll be alright.
Listen, are you going to Branson
with your folks next month?
No. It's not really my thing.
What's wrong with Branson? You too
good for Branson now?
Well, your mom invited Ron and I
along. We'd love to go but not if
it's going to be weird for you.
Kirk considers this. It will be weird.
...I mean the tickets are non-
refundable but it's up to you.
Stainer overhears this and groans out loud.
No. You should go. I'm sure
you'll have a great time. Totally.
Marnie hugs Kirk. This makes him uncomfortable.
Kirk, I'm sorry about what happened
with us. You're going to make
someone very happy someday, but you
have to get over me first, okay?
Is it a deal?
Marnie hugs him again and then departs.
She's going to Branson with your
fucking parents? And bringing her
new fucking boyfriend!?
Yeah. He seems like a good guy,
though. He's an entrepreneur.
Across the room they see Marnie return to Ron with a hug.
Entrepreneur? Kirk, I know that
guy. He owns a Pizza Hut.
So? That's a business.
It's not even a real Pizza Hut.
It's one of those strip-mall take-
out ones. They don't even have
chicken wings. The guy's a fuckin'
He's got more going on than I do.
That's all I'm saying.
Dude, you can do a hell of a lot
better than her.
One door closes, another door opens.
Fuck you Devon, that doesn't even
make any sense. But take this
broad that's coming here tonight -
I got a feeling about her. You're
gonna get on that.
Absolutely. Visualize it.
I appreciate what you guys are
trying to do but, I'm telling you,
I have zero chance with this one
and I'm completely okay with that.
That's defeatist thinking.
No it isn't. It's just like saying
I'll never go to the moon and I'm
okay with that too.
You're saying you don't want to go
to the moon? That's bullshit.
No. I'm saying that I never will
go to the moon but I'm not going to
get down about it because, you know
- I never expected to.
You don't know. Technology and
shit. You might go to the moon.
Kirk waves to someone at the door. The guys look up.
The guys' POV: Molly is stepping toward them - dressed in a
beautiful gown. They laugh the way you might laugh at a
particularly brutal football tackle.
Oh shit. Yeah, you're right.
Sorry, bro. You'll go to the moon
before you'll hit that. No chance.
I told you.
Molly arrives at their table.
Hey! There you are!
Molly hugs Kirk. From across the bar, Marnie takes notice.
Here I am.
I'm sorry I'm so overdressed. I
just came from a work thing. Are
you doing okay with...everything?
Oh, you know... Hey, these are my
best friends - Jack, Devon and
The guys' I.Q.s drop like stones as they shake her hand.
Yeah, just a nickname. Doesn't
really mean nothin'.
Oh. Here's your pictures - all
safe and sound.
Kirk hands Molly the pictures.
Thank you so much for taking care of
them for me! I need to get some
copies made. If I lost these...uugh.
No trouble at all.
Hey, have you eaten yet?
I was going to go grab a bite. Let
me buy you dinner to pay you back.
You don't have to pay me back.
I know. I want to. Come on! The
place across the street has the
best greasy burgers in town.
A burger does sound good. (then to
the guys) I'm going to just ah...
Molly waves goodbye and heads for the door. Kirk starts to
follow but Stainer pulls him back for a quick huddle.
Dude. It's cool that she's buying
you dinner but do not get your
hopes up about this one.
Don't worry. Believe me, I know.
Kirk catches up with Molly. Marnie watches them exit.
A big guy has overheard this and leans over to Stainer.
Good advice there friend. Your boy
ain't got a prayer with that chick.
You talking shit about my buddy!?
'Cause I'm giving out free fuckin'
Big Guy assesses the crazy on Stainer's face and stands down.
Yeah, I didn't think so!
INT. BURGER JOINT - NIGHT
Kirk and Molly sit across from one another in a booth. The
Start you off with something to
I'll have a Bass.
And for your... brother?
What? Oh, I'm not her brother.
Oh, I'm sorry. I just figured...
You know what, a Bass sounds good.
Make that two.
The waiter exits.
So... You know what I do, what
about you? Your card said event
planner. How'd you get into that?
Well, it wasn't the original plan.
I went to law school. Ended up at
a big firm but I hated it. Then,
they asked me to plan the Christmas
party. It was a big hit and a few
months later I was done with law.
I know. Pernicious career move,
Oh, I don't know what that word
means. What was it?
Close on Molly's smile. She finds Kirk's unabashed admission
very refreshing and endearing.
I'm sorry. Like, destructive or...
Oh, okay. No, I don't think that's
Good - new word. No, not pernicious
at all. Not if you enjoy the work.
I really do. We do a lot of
charity events and I get to work
with some of the most amazing human
beings on some really fun projects.
Next month I'm doing a cancer
benefit with Billy Joel.
Wow. I love Billy Joel.
The only downside is I have to do a
lot of public speaking and I've
always struggled with stage fright.
Oh man - That's my number one fear.
I'm terrified of getting up in
front of people. I'd rather get a
Kentucky root canal.
Molly laughs. An older GOOD-LOOKING MAN steps up to the
table and stands facing her with his back to Kirk.
Excuse me, I was just sitting over
at the bar and I was wondering; has
anyone told you today that you are
Are you seriously hitting on me
right in front of my boyfriend?
He turns to Kirk and both men start to laugh.
This is your boyfriend?
Oh, yeah right! (Catches Molly's
unspoken instructions.) But, yeah.
I'm her boyfriend, I guess, so...
Really? Wow. Well... sorry.
The man gives Kirk a wink and wanders back to the bar.
Did you get a load of that hair-
piece? What is it with men? I
mean, look at you. You're bald and
you're fine with it. A little
dignity is all I'm saying. The
toupees and plugs and the teen-
dream sports cars... Oh geeze, I'm
sorry. Do you drive a sports car?
I drive a 94 Taurus. It's got
AM/FM but I wouldn't call it a
sports car per se.
Molly laughs and we hard cut through the following snippets
of conversation as they eat, chat and laugh.
So here's this little old lady
trying to go through security with
six pounds of weed in her girdle!
Cut. The food is being served.
Oh, my God! I love that book!
Cut. The waitress is picking up the empty plates.
So, a duck walks into a bar...
Cut. Molly is laughing while she's paying the bill.
Well, I've got an early morning. I
should go. Thanks for coming
along. This was really fun. And
thanks again for helping me out.
No, thank you for dinner. I feel
bad that you won't let me...
Oh, stop it. Listen, I handle some
of the charity events for the
Coyotes and I've got some tickets
for the hockey game tomorrow night.
Kirk is a bit taken aback and confused. Is she actually
asking him out on a real date?
Um, sure. Yeah, great. I mean,
I'm free tomorrow night.
She digs two tickets out of her purse and hands them over.
Perfect. I hate to see them go to
waste. There's two so maybe bring
Kirk's expression is as much relief as disappointment.
Oh, right. Thanks! Thank you.
EXT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT
Kirk and Stainer are on their way through security. A huge
security guard runs a metal-detector wand over Stainer.
Whatcha runnin' there a PX-235?
I don't know sir.
The two hundred series are dog
shit. You couldn't find a bazooka
with that thing. You should look
into the new eight fifties.
Can you keep it moving sir?
INT. HOCKEY ARENA
Kirk and Stainer arrive at the third row to find two open
seats right next to the penalty box. To Kirk's surprise, in
the next seat - Molly! Kirk elbows Stainer.
Hey, it's Molly. She's here.
Hey guys! You made it! Hooray!
Thanks for coming.
Oh, yeah. Wouldn't miss it.
Thanks for the sweet seats!
Guys, this is my best friend in the
whole world, Patty. This is Kirk
and, um, Stainer, right?
Patty is over 200 pounds with a pretty face and an edge that
comes from a lifetime of taking crap from morons.
Hey boys. Nice to meet you.
Patty's my assistant and my go-to
gal. Whatever you need, she can
make it happen on a moments notice.
You need a cock-shaped cake with a
cotton-candy bush delivered by four
o'clock? I'm your connection.
Oh, and she likes to shock people
so don't let her freak you out.
How 'bout that. So, we're going to
grab some beers. Can we bring you
ladies anything? Beer? Nachos?
Patty, cotton candy?
INT. HOCKEY ARENA CONCESSIONS AREA
Stainer and Kirk stand in the beer line.
That's it. She's setting you up
with the fat chick.
Ooohhh! Okay! Okay! That makes
sense, right!? When Molly was here
I was like, "what!?" But, okay!
Well, Patty seems cool. She's funny.
Well, yeah, she has to be.
What does that mean?
Nothing. The fat chick seems
great. You never know, bro, that
fat chick could wind up being the
love of your life.
Kirk returns a look of annoyance.
Patty, I'm saying. Patty could be
the love of your life.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA
The game has started. Kirk, Stainer, Molly and Patty are
cheering. The puck smacks the glass before them and another
player skates up for it. As he mucks it from the edge, he
looks up and sees Molly. He's distracted just long enough to
get brutally checked face first into the glass. A penalty is
called on the player who hit him. That player skates into
the penalty box near Molly. The name on his jersey reads,
"REESE." He speaks with a thick Canadian accent.
Hey Molly! Yer lookin' good, eh!
That was a bogus call, Bobby. Your
skates barely left the ice.
I know. What's that aboot, eh?
(nervously to Reese)
Yeah, that ref is like a total
Kirk, Molly's sister is blind.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
Oh, I know. It's fine.
INT. BROADCAST BOOTH
The radio announcers are calling the game.
Forty Five seconds left on the
Power Play and the Sharks are
knocking at the door.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA
So, after the game, you wanna party?
You know my policy on players,
Bobby. And you might have noticed
we've already got dates.
The penalty ends and the ref opens the box but Reese is not
Come on, Molly. Just give me a
chance, eh. I'm a great guy - ask
any of these assholes.
The crowd is booing Reese.
Reese, you'd better...
You can't seriously be blowing me
off for these two hosers.
Hey! Fuck you Reese! You suck
this year anyway!
Reese raises his squirt bottle over the glass and squirts
Stainer is immediately on his feet, climbing the glass and
trying to pummel the huge player. Security is on him in a
flash and dragging him, kicking & swearing, out of the arena.
Reese wakes up and skates out of the box but it's too late.
The Sharks score and the crowd revolts. A red-haired redneck
woman, sitting two rows back, calls out to Molly and company.
You idiots just cost us a goal! I
hope you're happy!
You'd better check that tone, Reba!
You do NOT want me comin' up there!
Patty! Stop it! I'll go see what
I can do about Stainer.
No, this is my fault, I'll take
care of it.
No, it's okay. I know the head of
security. I'll be right back.
Molly exits and Patty sits back down next to Kirk.
God, I'm really embarrassed.
That's okay, if Reese did that to
me I'd have gone over the glass
too. But I would have landed a few
before they got me. Reese has been
all over Molly ever since she
dumped her boyfriend. I tell you,
that girl has nothing but trouble
when it comes to men.
What? How is that even possible?
Tell me about it. I'm no lezbo but
sometimes she makes me want to
strap on - if know what I'm saying.
Yeah. I think I do.
It's a curse, looking like that.
Who has the balls to hit on her?
Just the most arrogant A-holes like
Reese out there.
Yeah, I suppose.
Listen, Molly brought me along
tonight because, you know, she
thought I might be 'interested.'
Oh. Oh yeah?
But, just for honesty's sake, I'm
not interested. No offense.
No! Hey! None taken. I don't
blame you. I know I'm no Brad
Pitt. That's cool.
What? You? No, I'm talking about
your pal, Stainer. I know he's your
friend but he seems like kind of a
dumbshit. (THEN) Wait. Why would
you think I was talking about you?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to assume
Oh my God. You don't have a clue
do you? Molly's really into you.
Oh, yeah right!
Kirk laughs hard until he realizes that Patty isn't laughing.
Patty's nod says, "I'm serious."
But... why would...
A knockout like Molly be interested
in a spud like you?
Got me. Again, no offense. But
listen, Kirk, your dream girl just
showed up. Try not to blow it.
Close on Kirk's terrified expression. The SOUND of a bowling
ball demolishing ten pins...
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
The place is crowded and classic rock is cranking. It's an
old alley with overhead-projection score sheets. Kirk,
Stainer and Devon sit and talk while Jack throws a strike.
Atta boy Jackers!
It doesn't add up, Kirk. If
Molly's so into you, why bring her
friend and give you two tickets?
She was hoping to set Patty up with
It's okay, she wasn't interested.
So you're saying the hottest babe
in the world wants you and the fat
chick isn't into me. Will you
listen to yourself? Fuck you.
What did Molly have to say about
I don't know, Stainer, somebody got
thrown out of the game and I had to
drive him home, remember?
Pretty impressive catch, Kirky.
There's no way. Don't get him all
worked up. Her friend was fuckin'
with him. Molly said herself that
Patty loves to mess with people.
Kirk, you deserve a gal like her.
And Stainer, why don't you try to
be a little more supportive.
Why don't you try a little shut the
fuck up, Devon. This week, we're
not taking dating tips from the guy
who met his wife in eighth grade.
Are we still bowling?
Stainer picks up a crappy, beat up ball from the ball return.
All I'm saying is - she's just too
hot. No judgement on Kirky, the
guy's just outgunned here.
I can't argue with him.
Stainer goes to the line. The BOWLER (a pro-type with a
custom ball and glove) on the next lane is already standing
about to roll. Stainer starts to step up.
Yo, house ball! I was up first.
Oh for fucks... What is it with you
Just wait your turn.
All this noise and bullshit in this
place and I'm such a distraction
over here in your god damned
Okay Stains, take it easy.
The bowler stands glaring back.
Well!? Fuckin' roll then!
The bowler takes another minute to set. Stainer lets out a
long sigh. The bowler steps to the line and Stainer rushes
into his own delivery. Both men throw gutters. The bowler
comes at Stainer but their friends separate them.
You're lucky motherfucker!
Oh yeah!? Bring it, Brunswick!
Stainer! Cool your jets, buster.
The bowler's friends drag him away. Stainer takes a deep
breath before he shifts right back into conversation mode.
Okay. Anyway... I love Kirky but
let's face it, the guy's a three.
Stainer, that's just dirty pool.
He's at least a four.
You're outta your fuckin' mind -
four! You go ahead and pump
rainbows up his ass. I'm just
Stainer moves the score sheet and then writes a three on the
glass. It projects onto the overhead scoreboard.
I can live with three.
He's a nice guy and he's funny.
Those are a half a point each.
Stainer continues the equation on the projector.
But he drives a shit box so we
gotta deduct a point for that.
Kirk said she likes his Taurus.
That's so fucked, I won't even
dignify it with a response. So
we're back to three. Meanwhile,
this Molly is a hard ten.
A hard ten?
Generally, if a broad is that hot
you can deduct a few points for dumb
or shallow but she went to law
school and her sister's blind.
That's a hard ten, friends, and that
is rare. A seven point disparity -
that's a chasm. The most you can
jump is two points. I can't even
get a ten.
Oh, not even you, huh?
I'm a five, okay?
Bullshit. Then what am I?
You're a seven and a half.
Fine, you're a five then.
Okay, so I get a two point bump for
being in a band. That puts me at
seven. On a good day, most I can
bag is a niner.
What about your shitty car?
Artist exemption. I'm expected to
have a shitty car.
Is there an artist exemption for
being a jag-off?
Fuckin' A there is.
Stainer's right. Patty was
probably just messing around. It's
not a big deal. Let's just bowl.
What about Rick Ocasek? Billy
Joel, Donald Trump...
Yeah, dumbass. Those are the wild-
cards. Money and fame.
So, if he were a millionaire?
A mil ain't what it once was,
Jackie. Devon's practically a
millionaire for Christ sake. A mil
might get you an eight but to bring
down a ten now days - two million
Stainer finishes the equation by writing, "Kirk = Fucked."
Kirk's phone rings. He checks the ID and his eyes go wide.
(into the phone)
Hey, Molly... Um, yeah, sure...
No, that sounds good. Yeah, I know
where that is. Um, okay, yeah...
see you then.
Kirk hangs up and gapes at his friends, who wait in suspense.
Holy crap. (dazed pause) She just
asked me out for tomorrow night!
Kirk exchanges fives, fists, tips and hugs with Devon and
Jack. Stainer shakes his head, still not buying it.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY MEN'S ROOM
Kirk runs into the otherwise empty restroom. He stares into
the mirror and his smile fades into panic. He splashes water
on his face. He reaches for a paper towel but the dispenser
It's okay. Get it together. Guys
do this all the time. You can do
this. You can make it happen.
RANDOM MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(from inside a stall)
You better not be jerking off in
the sink, man!
EXT. AIRPORT PARKING LOT - DAY
Kirk's Taurus pulls into a space. He climbs out and slams
the door. As it closes, he reaches but too late. He looks
through the window. The keys are hanging in the ignition.
INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
WILLY, the Russian driver, is chipper and bubbly as he sings
along with "I'm Like a Bird" on the radio. Kirk is knocked
around by Willy's crazy driving. In the mirror, Willy
notices Kirk's dazed expression.
Kirk! You look like someone made a
second number in your breakfast
cereal. You are doing okay, yes?
You know what Willy. I honestly
don't know how I'm doing.
He does not know!
I should be doing awesome but I
don't know. Know what I mean?
How are you?
Perfect! Willy is having another
kick ass of a day.
Willy takes a hard left and some suitcases fall on Kirk.
INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT - DAY
Kirk is picking up a coffee. As he walks on, he takes a sip.
The lid comes off and hot coffee spills on his shirt.
Way to go, Big Slick.
Stainer is now next to Kirk, who glares back at him as they
walk across the food court.
A short, plain girl behind the Orange Julius counter gives
them an apprehensive wave.
Oh, shit. Let's go this way.
Stainer returns an uncomfortable smile but then redirects
their path away from her. Kirk waves.
Nobody. Just some chick I boned
once when I was drunk. You look
like shit, bro.
Thanks. I had trouble sleeping
last night. This Molly thing... I
don't want to want this, you know?
It just seems too good to be true.
I just don't get it.
I know what you mean. There has to
be some explanation.
I can't think of one. Not one that
makes any sense.
Well, let's spitball it a little.
You've got dick for money so she's
no gold digger. Oohh! Did you
ever see Double Indemnity?
Please don't say she wants me to
Okay, then... maybe she's on a
scavenger hunt. You know, like
find a wagon wheel, a wiffle ball
bat and a fat, bald TSA agent -
that kind of thing.
Kirk is no longer responding.
Oh, shit, dude. Al Qaeda. Think
about it. You're a TSA agent,
she's a terrorist...
Kirk walks away.
EXT. OLD STRIP MALL - DAY
Kirk, still in his TSA uniform, walks past a large laundromat
to a small storefront next door. The chipped and faded
lettering on the glass reads, "Maury Hammerstein, Attorney At
Law - Aggressive, Dynamic Representation Since 1942!" As
Kirk reaches for the door, he notices a small hand-written
sign, "I don't make change!" He goes inside.
INT. LAW OFFICE
Wood paneling, buzzing fluorescent lights and furniture the
Salvation Army would sell only as firewood.
Eric and Debbie sit with Kirk's parents. There are two
elderly women and another middle aged man in the room as
well. Maury, who's about a hundred years old - cute and
meek, fusses with an ancient VCR while smoking a cigarette.
Kirk sits down next to Eric. Kirk notices a free bank
calender on Maury's desk - dated 1991.
It's about time, numbnuts.
I came right from work.
Okay Maury - we're all here.
Oh! You bet! You betcha! Okay,
hi there Kirk. Firstly, let me
just say how awful sorry I am.
Stella was one heck of a gal and a
real dish. Anyhow, let me just...
Maury gets the VCR going. "Wheel of Fortune" comes up on the
Oh mercy. I didn't tape over her
with The Wheel did I?
The picture goes to snow and then stutters into a shot of
Grammy sitting in her kitchen. She has just clicked the
video camera on with a remote control.
Oh, good. There she is.
Testing. One, two, three, four.
Oh, this God damned thing!
She gets up and fusses with the camera.
Jap piece of shit! Is it on!?
Cutaway to Kirk tearing up. Grammy sits back down.
Okay, my name is Stella Edith Dakin
and if you're watching this, I'm
dead as a doorknob and I ain't
spent all my money yet. I got shit
to do today so I'm going to get
right to it. This is my last will
and testament and if you miss
anything the old Jew's got the
paperwork. Okay, here's the
Everyone besides Kirk leans in, excited to hear what they
might get. A phone rings. Maury looks around but the
ringing is coming from the TV. Grammy answers the phone.
Hello? I'm kind of busy right now
Eric... Oh, for God's sake, boy!
How can you be sure it's even
yours? It could be practically
anybody's!... No, I'm not paying
for that!... Well, then I guess
you're going to be a daddy.
Congratulations, now I gotta go!
She hangs up, puts on her glasses and lights up a smoke.
Anyway! I love all of you, despite
some of the shit you pulled, but I
spent my life a gambler and I always
put my money on the best bet. The
odds of any of you fish doing
anything worthwhile with my stack
are slim to none. So old Grammy's
going all in on Big Slick.
Everyone looks at Kirk who is stunned.
I'm proud of you, Kirk. Don't let
your old Grammy down. Do something
good with it.
She blows a kiss, lifts the remote and aims it at the camera.
Oh, for Christ sakes!
She throws the remote at the lens. The picture goes to snow.
So Kirk gets it all!? That is
Eric, it can't be much.
Maury digs into his desk and pulls out a mess of papers. He
dons a pair of glasses that make his eyes look gigantic.
Let's see here... Looks like she
had herself six G's in savings.
Um, another three grand in bonds,
give or take. Her life insurance
will pay pert-near seventy grand.
He adds this up on an old adding machine (the kind with the
hand crank) and writes $77,800 on a chalk board, which is
mounted on the wall behind him.
She left him eighty grand!?
Most of Stella's retirement home
expenses were covered by her reverse
mortgage. But, figure in thirty
thousand still due to Arborwood
Village. She racked up forty-seven
thousand in medical bills. And my
fee, of course, which now stands at
two thousand and change - which is
real reasonable, folks.
He writes "Liabilities = $79,000 Total -$1,200."
So Kirk owes money!? HA! Shit,
man! That is God damn hilarious!
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The upscale restaurant is crowded. Kirk and Molly are eating
at a small table. Kirk is not relaxed like he had been the
last time they ate together. He is sweating and trying to
remain cool. The Maitre d is eyeing them suspiciously.
But, you can't legally be held
responsible for her debt. What
kind of hack is this attorney?
It's okay. I had it in savings.
The waiter brings a drink to Molly.
Madame. From ze gentleman in ze
From his table, a good looking man smiles and raises a drink
to Molly. She nods back - polite but annoyed.
Anyway... Grammy hated owing anyone
money. I'm afraid she couldn't
rest if she wasn't square with the
house. It's the least I can do.
She practically raised me.
You're a good man, Kirk.
Molly smiles and takes his hands. The maitre d is watching
and getting angry. The waiter returns with another drink.
From ze gentleman in ze purple tie.
Another guy raises his glass to her from the bar. Molly is
getting irritated. Kirk is feeling smaller every minute.
Listen, no more drinks. Please.
Of course. No more drinks, madame.
I'm sorry. This happens sometimes.
Yeah, I get that a lot too. I'm
sure the next one will be for me.
Molly laughs. The best looking man Kirk has ever seen walks
up to the table. He and Molly hug.
Oh, my gosh! Talon! I didn't
realize you were in town already.
I just flew in this morning.
Kirk, this is Talon. This is my
good friend, Kirk.
Great to meet you, sir.
Talon gives Kirk a winning handshake, complete with wink.
So, do we have you for our Disabled
Angels Program again this year?
Wouldn't miss it.
That's fantastic. (to Kirk) Mol is
always a big hit with the kids.
Please. You're the one the kids go
So you two work together?
Only once a year. Talon is our
charity liaison at the air show.
And my ex-boyfriend.
Kirk starts to choke. He grabs his water glass and takes a
swig but the ice collapses and the water pours all over him.
Oh, boy. I guess I better...
Kirk heads off to the bathroom, muttering to himself.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT MEN'S ROOM
Kirk is drying his shirt. A man is still zipping up as he
takes the next sink. Before washing, he offers a handshake.
Excuse me. My name is Max Fleming.
I'm a financial planner.
Kirk takes the handshake reluctantly and then gets a business
card. Max then starts to wash up - so does Kirk.
Please forgive me but I'm curious.
Who manages your portfolio?
My portfolio? I don't really...
Max takes the last paper towel - forcing Kirk to drip dry.
It's okay if you'd rather not say. I
admit that selling my services in a
men's room is a tad aggressive but
isn't that what a man of your means
requires in his financial planner?
Judging by the company you're
keeping, I'd say that you're making
a handsome living. I can help you
do even better.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT RESTROOM HALL
Kirk exits reading Max's card - somewhat bewildered. The
Maitre d stops Kirk and speaks in a French accent.
Excusez-moi Monsieur. Might I have
Oh, sure. Is everything all right?
The Maitre d looks around and then leans in and speaks
quietly - now without the French accent.
My kids eat here. My mother's here
right now you son of a bitch.
Okay. Did I...
Look, I can appreciate that this is
not some common street-walker.
You're obviously willing to pay for
the best but we can't have this
kind of thing at my place.
What? I'm not paying anyone.
We're just on a date.
You are on a date with her? What
am I an idiot? Now, I don't wish
to embarrass you, sir, or make a
scene. So, enjoy your dinner but,
be warned, do not ever bring
another professional into my place.
(louder and back into the French
accent) Tres bien Monsieur!
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT
When Kirk rounds the corner, he sees that Molly and Talon are
still talking. Kirk hides behind a plant. Molly is beaming.
She stands to hug Talon and kiss his cheek before he exits
the restaurant. Kirk returns to the table.
Oh, no. Did I miss Talon?
He had to go but he asked me tell
you how much he enjoyed meeting you.
Yeah. Super. He, uh, seems like a
He is. He's wonderful. I know, I
know - the blue eyes and the rock
hard abs, right? But he's really
so much more than that. A gallery
in New York just opened an exhibit
of his photography. He's a genius.
(to the waiter)
Can we get the check?
Madame, your bill has been covered
by ze woman in ze Raiders Jacket.
A butch woman in the bar raises a glass in Molly's direction.
INT. MOLLY'S CAR - NIGHT
Molly and Kirk pull into a parking lot.
Oh my gosh! This is your
apartment? I used to live in this
neighborhood back in college.
Yeah, I'm gonna move to a better
place pretty soon.
We used to come to parties over
here sometimes. Oooohh. Can I
come up and see your place?
EXT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
It's Friday night and several college parties are raging in
the complex. Kirk leads Molly up the stairs and down the
balcony hall toward his door. They pass a few college
students on the way; a couple making out, a guy vomiting in a
bush. Two apartment windows are covered with tapestries of
Bob Marley and a giant pot leaf.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
Kirk and Molly enter. The apartment is neat, clean and
It's not much, I know.
No, I like it!
Molly walks around and examines certain items. Kirk quietly
hides a framed picture of Marnie. Molly passes his computer
desk where she coos at a screensaver of baby polar bears.
Just as she passes it, she bumps the mouse and the computer
comes to life, revealing a "Hot Back-Door Asians" website.
Molly didn't see it and Kirk scrambles to turn off the
monitor. She turns to see what he's doing. He smiles. She
moves on to a rack of DVDs.
Wow, we have a lot of the same
DVDs. Life of Brian, Cool Hand
Luke, Family Guy... Beaches, Kirk?
What? It's a good movie.
I love that movie.
She spots a crate full of vinyl records.
Wow, records. No Way! Look at all
this Cheap Trick!
You like Cheap Trick?
Are you kidding? Heaven Tonight is
the first album I ever owned! A
hand-me-down from my big sister.
She was the coolest person in the
She notices an upright piano in the corner.
You play the piano?
A little. My grandma taught me.
It was kind of our thing. She was
a great player. Ragtime, show
tunes, that kind of thing. I'm
really not very good.
She plops down on the couch.
Oh, I'll bet you're great. Play
something for me.
No, I can't really play in front of
What, the stage fright thing? Come
on it's just me. Please?
No, I really can't. Trust me,
you're not missing anything.
Kirk decides to join her on the couch but then he balks into
a little dance of almost sitting. He finally commits to sit.
So you've never played in front of
Nope. Almost did once. A talent
show in high school. I just sat up
there drenched in sweat. I really
thought I could do it but then I
made my big mistake.
Let me guess. You looked at the
Yep. All these eyes on me. I'm
shaking, my head is spinning, I'm
trying to remember if I even play
the piano... and then, I puked.
Right there on the stage?
INTO the piano actually.
Shut up! You're lying! Why would
you do that?
It was a reflex. I was trying not
to barf on the floor. Turns out
it's a lot easier to clean puke off
a stage than out of a baby grand.
Yeah, that has to be a real bitch.
Oh, I shouldn't be laughing. You
Molly brushes his hair back with her hand. Kirk is frozen
with fear. Molly leans in. Kirk also leans in but not too
far. Molly smiles, realizing that it's up to her to make
this official. She takes him by the collar, reels him in and
kisses him. They make out for a moment. Kirk is near panic
but he does his best to keep it together.
Sorry. I'm a little cotton-mouthed.
I'm going to get a glass of water.
How 'bout for you? Water? A nice
glass of, you know...water?
Yeah. That sounds good.
Kirk steps away from her and disappears into...
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
He pours a glass of water. He's about to return when he sees
his reflection in the window. The boner under his khakis is
not subtle. He looks down and starts to panic.
Um... You want anything to eat?
Kirk opens the fridge and thrusts his pelvis in. He takes a
few deep, calming breaths. He closes the fridge - still at
full alert. Kirk searches the kitchen, his panic building.
He grabs a Time Magazine. He flips through frantically. He
turns to a bikini model in an ad, then a naked aboriginal
women, then bare breasts in a breast cancer article.
Oh come on!
He is sweating like crazy.
Can I give you a hand?
No. I got it!
Kirk finally flips to a picture of Barbara Bush. He stares
at it hard. His boner begins to retreat.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
Listen Kirk, I want you to know
that I would really like to, you
know, to be with you tonight.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
The boner pops back up. Kirk silently mouths, "MOTHERFUCKER!"
at his mischievous little man.
Well, sure. But... I just don't
think I'm ready yet.
Kirk's reply is rushed with enthusiastic relief.
Sure! Sure! Yeah! No problem!
Great! That's...that's great!
Ice!? You want some ice!?
Kirk opens the freezer. He puts a few cubes in her water and
then grabs a fistful and shoves his hand in his pants.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
Molly gets cozy on the couch and looks even sexier.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I want
to! Believe me - getting naked and
crazy sounds fantastic right now.
Are you okay?
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
Kirk runs the water while he digs under the sink. He finds
duct tape. He pulls some tape off the roll. It makes a loud
noise that causes Molly to pause and Kirk to tense up. Kirk
opens his pants and begins taping down the trouble-spot. He
coughs hard to cover each subsequent tug of the tape roll.
I just think we should get to know
each other first. I'm no prude.
I mean, I'm pretty generous in bed.
Once I trust a person, I like to
experiment and get pretty wild.
Oh, dear God.
But, I just need to feel safe
Kirk finishes taping up, zips his pants and checks his
profile in the reflection from the window.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
Kirk returns with two glasses of water and no visible boner.
Hey. I'm totally fine with that.
You're the best.
Kirk gives an "aw-shucks" head tilt. Molly stands.
Okay, well, I'd better go then.
They walk to the door. Molly leans in and they kiss a few
moments more. Kirk winces as the tape is getting a little
snug. She drops her keys and then goes down on one knee to
retrieve them. Suddenly she starts coughing. She puts her
fist over her mouth.
Kirk's POV: As her head and fist bob in front of his crotch.
Kirk winces again. She hears the tape start to give way.
She looks up, slightly confused. Kirk looks around as though
he's looking for the source of the sound. Molly stands.
I had a really nice time. I'll
call you tomorrow.
Kirk opens the door for Molly.
EXT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
As Molly exits, she gives him one last kiss. Two studly male
college students are playing foosball on their patio. They
stop when one points out the hottie who's kissing Kirk.
Molly trots off.
COLLEGE STUDENT #1
Damn, man! That chick is fine!
Kirk returns a cool "whassup" nod to the guys.
COLLEGE STUDENT #2
All right Mr. Kettner!
COLLEGE STUDENT #1
You wanna play some foos!?
No thanks fellas.
Kirk beams from the attention as he goes back inside.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
He drifts over to his piano and sits down. The joy of what
has just happened is plastered on his face. He launches into
a furiously happy Jerry Lee Lewis style romp. Soon a
neighbor is pounding on the wall. Kirk stops playing.
Sorry, Mrs. Neusbaum!
Kirk continues his celebration, dancing around the apartment.
He picks up the picture of Marnie and speaks to it.
Ron seems like a swell guy. I love
Pizza Hut. What? Who's this?
Why, this is my girlfriend, Molly.
Oh, don't be that way. Oh, there,
there, now. Here's a tissue.
He drops the picture and continues the dance.
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kirk lies in bed staring at the ceiling fan. The smile
continues as he drifts off to sleep. Time lapses as Kirk
sleeps and the sun comes up. Still smiling, his eyes open
like a shot and he reaches for his phone - "No Missed Calls."
MONTAGE OVER MUSIC:
1) Kirk gets up and goes into the bathroom. He checks his
gut and hairline in the mirror.
2) From under his bed, he pulls out a Total Gym still in the
box. It is dusty, unopened and has a ribbon still attached
along with a card that reads, "Happy Graduation - Love Mom
and Dad." He sits in the living room bewildered as he reads
the directions. The parts are spread out all over the floor.
He works out on the machine but it soon violently collapses
underneath him. He checks his phone. "No Missed Calls."
3) He throws away unhealthy snacks and treats from the
He opens an untouched box of Healthy Bran and fills a bowl.
He watches cartoons as he heaps sugar on the healthy cereal
and then checks his phone. "No Missed Calls."
3) He surfs the web. He reads info on the Hair Club For Men
site. He moves to Hot_or_Not.com. The first woman is very
pretty. He rates her a seven, the next is also pretty and
gets another seven, the next girl is very unattractive. Her
score is three. Kirk feels bad for her and rates her a ten.
He checks his phone. He moves on to "BackDoorAsians.com."
4) Kirk watches a Connery James Bond movie on TV. The lower
third reads, "AMC's 24 Hours of Bond." No Missed Calls. The
sun is setting and Bond is now Roger Moore - No Missed Calls.
Kirk digs a box of Ding Dongs out of the trash and eats them
as he watches. It's dark outside and Kirk is in bed watching
Timothy Dalton - No Missed Calls. The morning light is
creeping in as Pierce Brosnan does the driving and Kirk is
still awake looking devastated - No Missed Calls.
5) Kirk is at a convenience store buying milk. He is a mess -
tired, unshaven, wearing a frumpy sweatsuit. He passes the
magazine rack and something catches his eye. It's a gorgeous
picture of Molly on the cover of Phoenix Entrepreneur
Magazine. Kirk holds up the magazine and then catches his
own reflection in a mirror on a sunglasses rack.
6) Kirk is walking home. Every street sign, billboard and T-
shirt he sees reads, "NO MISSED CALLS."
MUSIC FADES OUT
INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAY
He stands in the shower sulking. He hears the phone ring in
the next room. He jumps out, grabs a small towel and starts
to dry off as he runs into the bedroom. He reaches the
charger base but the phone is not there. He stands and
listens hard to the ringing. He runs into the living room.
Angle on the phone. It's hiding under a pillow on the couch.
In the background, Kirk rushes around the room flipping up
papers and magazines. The phone keeps ringing and Kirk's
panic increases until he finally spots the phone. Kirk dives
for it, losing his towel in the process.
Took you long enough. What were
you doing, taking a growler?
Kirk notices a woman on the landing outside behind him. She
can see his ass through the window. He covers up.
Sorry, Mrs. Nuesbaum.
EXT. DOWNTOWN SHOPPING DISTRICT - DAY
Kirk and Stainer come out of a record store and walk past the
shops and restaurants. Kirk holds a stack of flyers for
Stainer's band. As they walk, Kirk hands flyers to Stainer
who posts them on walls and kiosks with a staple hammer.
Kirk, it's a simple rule of life.
Look around. People are pretty
Kirk and Stainer look at the couples that stand at the bus
stop, sit in the outdoor cafes and walk down the sidewalk.
Each couple is fairly closely matched - pretty with pretty,
ugly with ugly, heavy with heavy, fit with fit.
Yeah, but Stainer, she was the one
who asked me out. So, why...
That first night, were you
intimidated by her?
No, I didn't think I had a chance.
Exactly. So you were relaxed and
funny. You were on.
Stainer posts several "Wheel in the Sky" flyers on a kiosk.
So I gotta get back to that.
That's just it, Kirky. Now that
she's opened the door, you can't
get back to that.
So I'll have to fake it?
Forget it. You can't fake that
far. A broad like her - she'll
smell that horseshit a mile away.
Kirk and Stainer enter a...
EXT. CAFE FRONT PATIO
...and take a table on the crowded patio.
Can we get a couple of menus?
(then to Kirk) You eating?
Maybe just a salad.
Dude, one salad ain't going make up
for thirty years of chili dogs.
I know. But I got dinner with my
Fun. Be sure and stab your brother
in the eye with a fork for me.
Sorry, Eric's not coming tonight.
Kirk motions toward a mismatched couple (nerdy guy with
knockout girl) who pass Kirk and Stainer's table on their way
to the valet stand. Stainer rolls his eyes.
You know what - this is ridiculous.
I'm just going to call her.
Fuck you are! Put that thing away.
You do not call her. Don't you get
it? Talon is back in town.
No, she broke up with him.
So, you're telling me you were
sitting there, a sweating,
quivering stutter-bucket and when
you came back from the can, Molly's
hugging a guy who's so good looking
you'd probably fuck him. What do
you think she's doing this weekend?
So what am I supposed to do?
What can you do? She hasn't called
- she's not going to.
You're probably right.
Just count yourself lucky. You got
to kiss a goddess and you got out
before she recalibrated your
hardware. A chick like that can
raise the bar too high and then
once she dumps you, nobody else
No, you're right. You know what -
it's good. It's better. I'm
actually relieved. You should have
seen this Talon guy. Man! All
I've been thinking about is having
to be naked in front of her. I
don't need that kind of pressure.
The valet pulls a red Ferrari up to the mismatched couple and
the nerdy guy opens the door for her. Stainer shakes his
head as if to say, "Was there even a doubt?"
Kirk's phone is sitting on the table - it rings. Kirk and
Stainer can see Molly's name on the caller ID.
Don't do it!
The phone rings again. Kirk glances down at the phone.
Stainer keeps a stern eye on Kirk. RING! Close on Kirk's
eyes turning weak. RING! Close on Stainer's threatening
eyes. RING! Kirk gives up and looks away. Stainer's eyes
calm. Kirk snatches the phone but Stainer grabs Kirk's
wrist, pinning it to the table. RING!
Cut it out!
Let it go!
RING! Kirk reaches for the phone with his other hand but
Stainer's free hand intercepts it and these arms flail around
like battling snakes. Kirk presses the button to answer the
call and, instead, moves his head down to the phone.
Hello!?... Oh, no problem! Yeah I
was super busy yesterday anyway.
Would you look at yourself?
Stainer lets go and Kirk sits up and backs away.
Well, I have dinner with my folks
tonight... Oh, I wouldn't want to
subject you to them... Okay. If
you want to. I can pick you up...
Kirk gives a confident smile and an "I told you she'd call"
nod. Stainer crosses his arms and shakes his head.
Oh, sure. Well then let me call
you back in a few minutes and I'll
give you directions. Alrighty.
Well, I guess you just solved that.
An hour with your family and she'll
file for a restraining order.
No. Eric's not going to be there.
It's going to be good. You might
be wrong about Molly. She might...
Stainer spots a round little boy posting a "Lost Puppy" flyer
over one of the ten he just posted on the kiosk.
(to the boy)
Whoa! I don't think so Spanky! A
The boy instead posts it over a "Walk For a Cure" poster.
EXT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME - EVENING
Molly drives up and stops in front of a small home on a
quaint residential street.
She climbs out of her car, checking the address on a small
sheet of paper. She sees Kirk sitting on the front porch.
You found it!
I had good directions!
She steps up the front walk toward Kirk, who points to a
little yellow note taped to the front door.
I'm sorry. My folks aren't back
yet. We're locked out.
You don't have a key?
No. My dad's kind of obsessed with
home-security. Like someone's
going to break in and steal his
Reader's Digest collection.
A very old man wobbles out of the house next door with a
beagle on a leash. The man struggles a bit with the dog.
Hi, Mr. Riley!
Well, howdy Kirk!
Hey, what do say you take the night
off and I'll take Noodle around the
block for you? (to Molly) Are you
up for a walk?
That sounds great.
Geeze Kirk, that's mighty nice.
Kirk jogs over to take the leash. Noodle jumps up on Kirk.
He and Molly pet the excited dog.
Yes! Always happy to see you,
pretty girl! Yes you are a pretty
girl! Yes you are!
Molly takes note - animal lover - big points.
You're a good boy, Kirk.
It's no trouble at all.
Molly and Kirk start down the sidewalk with Noodle. An old
woman comes out of the next house with her dog on a leash.
Honey!? Are you back in business!?
I had a little neighborhood dog-
walking service when I was a kid .
(to the woman) No problem, Mrs. D,
we can take Norton along too!
Several soft-faded cuts as Kirk and Molly move through the
neighborhood. Soon they have a third dog. Kirk points out
landmarks as they talk and laugh. Now they have a fourth
dog. Molly takes his arm.
The evening light is a bit dimmer as they give Noodle back to
Mr. Riley. Kirk turns toward his parents' house. Now
there's a car parked in the driveway and a jacked-up, knobby-
tired pick-up parked out front. The truck has two bumper
stickers ("One Nation Under GOD!" and "No Fat Chicks!")
flanking a vanity license plate that reads, "ERIX-TOY."
Kirk's shoulders slump at the sight of it.
Hey, you know what I'm thinking,
let's go get Chinese.
What are you talking about? I want
to meet your family.
They start toward the door. Molly's cell phone rings.
I'm so sorry. It's Patty. I've
got to take this. Go ahead. I'll
be right in.
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME - EVENING
Kirk comes through the front door to find his father in the
living room watching a hockey game.
(without looking up)
MRS. KETTNER (O.S.)
Eric steps out of the kitchen with three beers.
Close the door, fucknut.
Hey Eric. I thought you were
hanging drywall tonight.
Nah. Fuckin' Leroy fired me again.
Like that dick never came to work
with a little buzz on.
Okay, listen, I brought a date
tonight. I really like her.
Please don't embarrass me in front
of her. I'll do anything you want.
I promise I won't mention her
Eric and Dad crack up.
A flushing sound and then Ron comes out of the bathroom.
He's buckling up. Kirk's shoulders drop again.
I did like you said Mr. K.
Eric tosses Ron and Mr. Kettner each a beer.
Oh, hey Ron. So Marnie's here?
Marnie appears in the door of the kitchen. She's holding a
corningware pot filled with mashed potatoes.
Molly finishes her call. She's up the front steps and Kirk
lets her in. Eric, Ron and Mr. Kettner are stunned. Marnie
drops the pot and it smashes on the floor in front of her.
Mrs. Kettner and Debbie rush out to see what Marnie is gaping
at. Debbie (still pregnant) is immediately threatened by the
way Eric is looking at Molly.
Everyone, this is Molly McCall.
Kirk's never seen his family so impressed. He can't hide his
grin. Ron pops the cap off his beer and it overflows a bit.
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' KITCHEN - NIGHT
Kirk, Molly, Mr. & Mrs. Kettner, Marnie, Ron and Debbie sit
around the kitchen table and feast on a meatloaf dinner.
Eric is at the fridge grabbing a beer. Marnie is angrily
watching Ron whose eyes are all over Molly.
You want another one Dad?
You read my mind.
You two take it easy now. We have
guests. (THEN) Eric honey, I'm
sure if you apologize to Leroy,
he'll take you back.
Eric returns to the table with the beers.
Nah, fuck him. Anyways, Leroy ain't
payin' shit ever since he trucked
in all those spics from Fresno.
Ron looks offended and raises a palm to indicate that...
I got this, Kirk. Eric, before you
go bad-mouthin' a whole group of
people, you should know that my
grandmother on my father's side is
Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
(THEN) So, Molly. What do you do?
I'm an event planner.
You see? That's using your head.
That's a business to get into.
Well, thank you Eric.
Book a band, blow up a few balloons
and people pay out the ass for it.
There's a little more to it than
that, Eric. Molly handles some big
events. She's even doing a benefit
with Billy Joel next month.
Actually, Eric's right. Just a few
Molly smiles to reassure Kirk that she can handle herself.
You know, Molly, I'm a business
owner myself. A little restaurant.
I wouldn't really call it a
We serve food that people eat. So -
It's a Pizza Hut with no tables.
It's a take out place.
So, Molly, me and Debbie here are
getting hitched. What do you get
for a wedding job?
Kirk raises his eyebrows into "please-behave-yourself" puppy
dog eyes. Eric shoots back an "oh whatever" sneer.
Hmmm. Honestly, I don't really do a
lot of weddings. I specialize more
in fund-raisers, corporate events,
that kind of thing.
Right now I'm working on the annual
benefit for the Children's Cancer
But you've done weddings.
I've done a few.
So, what do you get for one?
Dad, could you...
Don't get your panties in a wad,
Kirk. He's just making
Geeze, there are so many factors
that affect the cost of a wedding.
We're looking at about two hundred
people and we're gonna do this
whole Nascar theme.
I'm getting a kick-ass dress made
out of actual checkered flags and
Eric is going to be in an orange
tux with a big Home Depot logo on
the back and Tony Stewart's number
20 on the shoulders.
Oh, how fun!
So what's the damage for
supervising something like that?
I'm just talkin' ballpark. I'm
ain't gonna try and Jew her down.
Okay. Before expenses, my base fee
for a non-charity event is fifteen
thousand. So, I'd ballpark that
somewhere around twenty-five grand.
Fuck a duck.
For a moment everyone is chewing and there is a break in the
conversation. Kirk is getting wound up tighter and tighter.
So you're making a comfortable
living, you seem like you got your
head together more or less and
Christ, look at ya. What the hell
you doing with numbnuts here?
Come on, Ma - we're all thinking it.
Molly, I'm so sorry.
No, it's fine. The truth is, Kirk
and I are just getting to know one
another but so far, I think he's
decent, he's funny and... You
know, when we first met, Kirk asked
me in all sincerity if I knew how
to do an oil change.
Eric, Ron and Mr. Kettner each let out a quick burst of "yeah
I know! And, you're right, I don't
but... I just love that he asked.
A moment passes as they all process this. The women at the
table all know exactly what Molly means. The men are simply
Funny? Kirk is funny? Tell us a
joke there Sinbad.
(to Kirk) Well I hope you can hold
onto this one pumpkin. (to Molly)
When Marnie broke up with him he
was devastated for months, the poor
Marnie looks up, surprised and touched by the comment. Kirk
No shit, when you dump him, he's
liable to kill himself.
Kirk rubs his own head to keep it from exploding. Molly calms
him with a hand on his back. This move isn't lost on Marnie.
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' BATHROOM - LATER
Kirk splashes water on his face and then looks for a towel
but can't find one. He's forced to use his sleeve. He is a
wreck. He takes a deep breath and steps out into...
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME ENTRY HALL
...to find Marnie at the front door putting her coat on.
Are you heading home?
Got to get home and let Peanut out.
(she wipes some lint off of Kirk's
shirt sleeve.) Kirk, you look
Thanks. You do too.
Marnie smiles a sad smile.
Ron! Let's go!
I'm coming! It was really
fantastic to meet you Molly. If
you ever need a pizza...
Ron gives Molly a hug that makes Marnie as uncomfortable as
it does Molly. He then passes Kirk as he crosses to the
front door, carrying a pile of foiled over paper plates.
Cripes Kirk! Crack a window in
there pirate! HAHAHA!
Ron and Marnie exit. Kirk walks back into...
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' KITCHEN
Mrs. Kettner and Molly are cleaning up.
Molly, you don't have to do that.
No, It's fine.
You let us have some girl time.
Take these downstairs to your dad.
She hands Kirk a bag of Fritos and shoes him through the
INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' BASEMENT - NIGHT
Kirk's father has built a tacky little basement bar decorated
with neon beer signs and Eric's old trophies and ribbons.
Mr. Kettner and Debbie sit at the bar and smoke as Eric
stands behind the bar and serves them cocktails. Kirk comes
down the basement stairs and joins them. The hockey game
wrap-up highlights are running on a TV mounted above the bar.
So, what was the final score?
You think you're hot shit now? Is
Look, Eric, you've had a lot to
drink tonight and...
Don't tell him what to do. (to
Eric) You're doing fine, baby.
You think you're better than me.
Say it. Well take a look around,
Big Slick. (re: trophies) Every
one of these says Eric. First
place! First Place! M.V.P.!
Winner! Winner! You think you're
the winner now? Well forget it,
man! I don't buy this for a second.
Well, it's been fun.
Now don't be that way, boy. All
your big brother is trying to say
is that we're worried about you.
You show up here with that piece of
ass!? Either you're fucking with
us or she's fucking with you so
which is it?
Look, I know she's a little out of
my league but...
A little!? Are you shitting me?
Alright, alright! I think we can
all agree that Debbie here is one
wicked hot box.
Debbie smiles and squeezes Eric's hand. Mr. Kettner nods and
raises his glass.
She's um... very attractive.
Yeah, and this Molly makes her look
like a pig.
Debbie lets go of Eric's hand and storms upstairs.
You see? This girl of yours is
already startin' shit. (Calling
after Debbie) Come on baby! Kirk
didn't mean nothing by that!
Look, I don't know what's going on
I'm goin' upstairs and gettin' to
the bottom of this.
I think this gal is messing with my
little brother and I'm not going to
sit still for it.
Eric! Okay! I know! I'm sure
she's just slumming or something
and it's all going to be over any
minute but, Jesus Christ! She'll
come to her senses without any help
from you! She's up there with...
Kirk turns to point up the stairs. As he glances back, he
finds Molly standing on the steps listening and frowning down
at him. Before Kirk can get a word out, Molly storms out of
the house. Kirk runs upstairs but she's in her car before he
can get out the front door. Eric appears behind him.
Way to go numbnuts. You should
have let me handle it.
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
Kirk stands at work, searching Habib's bag and looking
grouchy. Fuller monitors Kirk, arms crossed. Habib lets out
a long irritated sigh.
I know. I'm sorry, man.
Kirk hands the bag back to Habib and sends him on his way.
Randy, another agent, hands Kirk a note.
INSERT: The note reads, "Kirk, We need to talk. I'm in the
food court. -M."
Kirk sighs. Stainer is now reading over Kirk's shoulder.
Well, I guess this is it. I'm
surprised she even bothered.
INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT
The food court is crowded. Kirk looks around for Molly but
does not see her.
Good, you got my note.
Kirk turns to find Marnie sitting at a table working on a
Oh. Yeah. Hi.
I'm sorry to bug you at work but
this couldn't wait.
Kirk sits down.
Kirk, I think I messed up. I see a
change in you and I like it. So, I
was thinking that we should
maybe... get back together. Just
to try it out, you know?
Wow. I don't know, Marnie.
Why not? Please don't say it's
because of this Molly person.
No, I think I already screwed that
Good. I was really worried about
you with her. She seems like kind
of a bitch.
What? She is not.
Well, she acts like she's better
than everyone with her hybrid car
and her la-de-da charity work.
She doesn't do that at all, Marnie.
You're just putting that on her.
Okay, maybe so. See? This is what
I mean. You never argued with me
before. You're really growing.
What about Ron?
If you want to get back together,
of course, I'll break up with Ron.
You mean you're still with him?
I'm not going to risk being all
alone just because you don't know
what's good for you. Come on,
Kirk. Deep down, you know where
You're right, I think I do. Say hi
to Ron for me.
Kirk stands and walks away.
EXT. AIR SHOW ENTRANCE - DAY
Kirk and Stainer are at the ticket gate. Kirk pays for his
ticket but Stainer stands staring at him.
This wasn't my idea. I ain't
dropping twenty bucks to go in
there. God-damned planes are in
the sky. I can see 'em just fine
from the parking lot for free.
Kirk begrudgingly buys Stainer a ticket.
EXT. AIR SHOW
Kirk and Stainer move through the crowd. Stainer now carries
a corn dog, a giant soda and an armload of Air Show
memorabilia, including an inflatable F/A-18 Hornet.
She's working one of the kids'
charities. I'm guessing they might
be down by the rides.
Whoa dude, check it out. The Blue
Five men in flight suits and aviator sunglasses strut through
the crowd in slow motion. They exude masculine confidence.
Those are the coolest guys in the
entire world. Think about it -
George Clooney or Derek Jeter would
trade places with those guys in a
second. Can you imagine the sheer
magnitude of puss those fuckers tag?
I'm gonna get 'em to sign my Hornet!
Stainer runs toward them. He joins some kids and beautiful
women who are already getting autographs.
Kirk spots Molly working a charity booth. He crosses to her.
She turns to him with a this-better-be-good stance.
I just wanted to apologize for last
night... for my family.
Your family I can deal with.
And for me... For what I said.
Do you really think I'm that
shallow? You think I need to slum?
No. I don't know what to think.
You just have to understand that
this is a new area for me. Believe
it or not, I don't have gobs of
experience with beautiful women.
Is that all I am to you?
No, but I don't have much
experience with brilliant,
successful, wonderful women either.
This melts Molly a bit.
Kirk, this can't work if you put me
up on some kind of pedestal.
It's not that I... Okay, look...
When I was a kid, we played a lot
of baseball in my neighborhood.
The worst part was picking teams
because I was always picked last.
Every time. Like they couldn't
start a friggin' game without first
establishing how much I sucked.
So, now you come along and make me
feel like the first pick. But...
what if I can't hit?
Molly softens and smiles.
You already got to first base.
Just keep your eye on the ball.
Kirk nods and smiles back. Molly steals a quick kiss.
Let me tie up a couple things and
I'll show you around the grounds.
Molly goes into a tent to speak to Patty. Kirk watches her
with a calm, relieved smile.
Boy, she sure is something, huh?
Kirk turns toward the imposing Blue Angel pilot standing
behind him. The pilot removes his shades - it's Talon.
It's Kirk right? (firm handshake)
Excellent to see you again, sir.
Oh, Talon. You're a Blue Angel?
Yes sir, a Naval Aviator.
Perfect. Okay, I get it - Talon is
what - your call-sign?
No, it's my name.
Then what's your call-sign?
Oh, I'd rather not say. It's
embarrassing. Just something the
guys gave me...
Talon puts his arm around Kirk and walks him away from the
Anyway listen Kirk, is it fair to
say that you and Mol are close?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, I understand that fellas like
yourself tend to have uniquely
candid relationships with the women
they befriend. Am I right?
Fellas like myself?
Don't get me wrong. I have no
problem with your lifestyle. What
grown men do in the privacy of
their homes is none of my concern.
Talon, I'm not...
Hey, I'm in the Navy. I don't ask
and I don't expect you to tell.
Talon looks over his shoulder to confirm they are alone.
Now, I don't know what Molly's told
you about me, but anything bad - I
deserve. I hurt that girl. I hurt
one of God's own angels and I've
regretted it every minute since.
No. She speaks very highly...
God as my witness, I WILL make it
right. I WILL get her back. Can I
count on you to put in the good
word for me, Poncho?
You're the man. Come here.
Talon embraces Kirk in a tight hug.
There you go. Feel the tolerance.
Another Blue Angel calls over while signing Stainer's plane.
BLUE ANGEL #2
Yo! Foot-Long! We scramble in
Talon finishes the long hug. He and the other Blue Angels
walk off in formation. Stainer rejoins Kirk.
That was Talon.
Who? The Blue Angel guy? (cracking
Molly joins them.
MONTAGE OVER LOUD CATCHY TUNE:
1) Kirk and Molly walk arm in arm through the air show crowd.
Kirk's POV as every guy that passes checks her out. Close on
Kirk's proud expression. The Blue Angels take flight. Close
on the planes as they weave in and out of an intricate
formation. A wider shot reveals that their jet trails spell
out "MOLLY" inside a heart. Reverse to pan across Molly
(worried about Kirk's reaction), Kirk (trying not betray his
insecurity) and Stainer (trying to hold back his laughter.)
2) Kirk and Molly in a crowded movie theatre. She squeezes
his hand and he smiles back at her. Molly turns back to the
screen and Kirk's smile quickly degrades into a dirty look.
The shot widens to reveal who Kirk is glaring at - another
man (also with a date) sits on Molly's opposite side and
stares down at her cleavage. The man looks up to meet Kirk's
gaze and smiles back. He offers Kirk a fist-tap behind
Molly's head. Annoyed, Kirk doesn't tap back. Molly is
oblivious to this exchange.
3) As Molly walks down a city sidewalk at night, Kirk has
stopped to tie his shoe. When he trots after her to catch up,
he is tackled by two cops.
Nice try pervert!
Molly spins around, horrified.
It's okay ma'am. This fat tub of
shit was following you but we got
Molly angrily grabs Kirk by the arm and frees him from the
4) Kirk, in his TSA uniform, addresses a group of patients at
the Children's Cancer Center. He demonstrates a metal
detector wand. Molly sits with the kids who look bored out
of their minds. Suddenly, the kids light up and Kirk feels
he's making an impression until he realizes that Talon has
come up behind him. Talon is dressed in his flight suit and
carrying an arm-load of toy jets. The kids excitedly jump up
and gather 'round Talon; some even hug him.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Dressed up and wearing party hats, Kirk, Stainer, Devon, Jack
and about thirty others stand in a small, classy restaurant.
The place is decorated with balloons and streamers. A huge
banner reads, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!"
Seriously, what's with the banner?
She's blind, right? Seems like
they could have saved a few bucks
Patty runs in.
Here they come! Everybody hide!
Is that really necessary?
Stainer! Just hide.
They hide. Molly leads her sister, KATIE, into the
restaurant. "Surprise!" Molly hugs Katie.
Still think she's Al Qaeda?
Stainer brushes off the comment. Molly waves Kirk over.
Katie, I'd like you to meet Kirk.
It's so nice to meet you, I've
heard great things.
Oh, thank you. Molly raves about
her big sister non-stop.
Katie reaches out to feel Kirk's face. She's a bit perplexed
by the result. Two blind teenaged boys approach.
Robert! Is Jerry with you?
Yes, ma'am. Happy Birthday.
It's so nice you came. (to Molly)
These are two of my star pupils,
Robert and Jerry. Boys, this is my
It's nice to meet you.
They each feel Molly's face and then start elbowing one
another like a couple of horny construction workers.
A cake is brought in as everyone sings an unrecognizable but
uncopyrighted birthday song. Katie blows out her candles.
What's your wish, Katie?
I wish Kirk would play the piano
Kirk's face drops. Molly kisses her sister on the forehead
as she has obviously coached the response. Immediately Patty
is behind Kirk, pushing him. Kirk tries to politely decline
but now Katie has him by the hand and is leading him to the
piano bench. Everyone applauds and cheers for him to play.
Really. I can barely play.
Come on, Kirk! For my birthday?
Kirk is sweating. He reaches for the keys but he is now
white as a ghost. Molly watches in suspense, rethinking
what she's done. Kirk's hands shake. He moves them around,
hunting for a place to begin. The party-goers stare and the
room gets quiet. Kirk puts his hand over his mouth as though
he might vomit.
Molly presses play on a CD player behind the bar. Suddenly,
a Cheap Trick song kicks in over the restaurant's sound
system. Katie jumps up to dance with her friends.
Kirk gets up from the piano and tries to laugh it off. Talon
appears behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
It's okay Kirk. You'll rock us
next time right chief?
Oh, hey Talon. Thanks.
I'm glad you're here. I feel
terrible about our little
misunderstanding. I don't know
what had me thinking you were a gay
fella. Molly tells me you two have
been seeing each other.
Patty passes between them and gives Talon a dirty look.
She's got every right. I'd hate me
too. (THEN) I want to congratulate
you, Poncho. You're the better man.
Now, I'll step aside and truly wish
you the best of luck. I wouldn't
wish losing that girl on my worst
foe. But, make no mistake, you blow
it and I'll be waiting in wings.
Love and war, right chief?
Talon gives Kirk a respectful military salute. Kirk holds
his forced confidence until Talon departs. Once alone,
Kirk's poise deflates and he plops down into a chair.
The party goes on and Katie opens a small present.
Oh, it's a DVD.
Who's this from?
Nobody claims it but Jack and Devon look at Stainer.
What? It's closed captioned.
Patty and Kirk are sitting and talking at a table that is
away from the group. Across the room, Talon raises a glass
to them. Patty gives Talon the finger.
What did he do?
Listen, Molly would kill me if she
knew I was telling you this but I'm
trying to do you a favor.
Molly has this physical...um issue.
You know, kind of like a birth
Oh, my God.
It's not a big deal but she's
really self-conscious about it.
Talon and some other guys she's
dated have been weirded out and
made her feel like a freak.
What is it?
It's better if she tells you but if
you can't deal with it, just get
lost now and don't put her through
that heartbreak again.
No, no. I wouldn't do that.
Good. 'Cause if you do, it'll be
your last conscious act... (she
Patty heads off to get some cake. Kirk sits, considering
this information. He looks at Molly. She is wearing a small
black dress. She looks perfect in every way. Kirk crosses
the room and walks out to the...
EXT. RESTAURANT FRONT SIDEWALK
He throws his hands up in the air and does a happy dance
similar to the one he had done after their first kiss.
Stainer, Devon and Jack are around the corner as Stainer and
Jack are smoking a bowl. Devon hears Kirk's celebration and
peers around the corner. He waves the others over. The guys
come around the front to join Kirk.
My friends! Whassup Bitches!
What? What's going on?
My troubles are over boys! It's
all going to work out! Check it
out - Molly has... Wait for it...
Kirk pauses for dramatic effect and then puts his thumbs up.
...a birth defect!
No. That's awesome! Don't you get
Sure, I get it. She needs a good
guy like Kirky 'cause the guys she
dates can't handle it, right?
It sent Talon packing.
Kirk and Stainer high five. Jack and Devon look disturbed.
Well, what's wrong with her?
I don't know yet. Patty just said
she had a physical issue.
Well that could be anything. Did
she say it was a birth defect?
She said it was, "something like a
What if it's something really bad?
I hope it is. I hope it's
something that would make most guys
run screaming. It won't matter to
me. I love her.
That's cool that you love her but
it's pretty fucked up to be rooting
for a harsh deformity.
Oh, wow. What if this is Patty's way
of telling you that Molly is a man?
Hey, if that chick has a dick, I'll
INT. RESTAURANT - LATER
Kirk and Molly are cleaning up after the party. Kirk is
relaxed and in a fantastic mood. Patty gets her coat and
hugs Molly before exiting. Molly sheepishly approaches Kirk.
Kirk, I'm so sorry about the piano
thing. It was stupid of me.
No. I know what you were trying to
do. It's okay. I wish I could
have played for her but...
Well, anyway, thanks for all your
help with Katie's party. I know it
meant a lot to her.
Molly kisses Kirk. Now he's calm and kisses her back
passionately. She smiles a naughty smile at him.
They start cleaning up as fast as they can. Kirk is beaming!
INT. MOLLY'S CONDO - NIGHT
MONTAGE OVER LOVE SONG:
Kirk and Molly enter her modern, luxurious condo. Kirk takes
her coat. They kiss.
Kirk opens a bottle of wine. He pours one glass to share.
They sit on the couch talking. Kirk is on! He is confident
and silly and Molly is eating it up.
They are making out passionately on the couch.
Molly stands and extends her hand to Kirk. Kirk stands and
his boner is impossible to miss. This time he looks down at
it as if to say, "How 'bout them apples!?" Molly laughs and
leads him into the bedroom.
Kirk sits on the bed and Molly goes into the bathroom. He
lights a candle. He is now in a normal state of nervousness
but nothing like he had been before. He pulls out a stick of
gum. He chews it quickly and spits it out.
Kirk lies down and then sits up and then repeats this. He
decides to sit.
Molly opens the door. She is wearing sexy ligerie and
slippers. She looks perfect. She crosses to the bed and
sits down next to Kirk. They kiss but Molly stops.
MUSIC REDUCED TO BACKGROUND
Kirk, before we do this, there's
something I'm really insecure about
and you're going to see it sooner
or later so...
Hey, take a look at me.
Molly smiles nervously. She stands in front of him, Crying
Game style. She removes her feet from her slippers and looks
down at them. Kirk looks down. Even her feet are fantastic.
Don't rush me... Okay, look.
She parts her toes. They are webbed. Kirk's face drops.
Kirk jumps up and paces around.
That's it? That's the best you can
do? This is your big flaw?
If you can't handle it...
Jesus Christ! I can't! I thought
you were going to show me some kind
of hairy growth or a third nipple or
something I could work with!
What the hell is wrong with you!?
You know what's wrong with me!?
I'll tell you! I'm fat! I'm bald!
I'm ugly! I'm hairy! I'm
uncoordinated! I'm uncreative! I'm
not a college graduate! I've never
been to Europe! I have a shitty
job! I drive a shitty car! You
want me to go on!? Because I can!
So, here I think that the perfect
Molly McCall is finally going to
show me a good reason why she's
messing around with the likes of
me! And this is all you got!? You
can't wear friggin' flip-flops!?
Kirk, I've given you plenty of good
Oh, yeah! I'm nice! I'm funny! I
ask cute, stupid questions! Right!
That doesn't get a three hooked up
with a ten! Not in this world!
A three what? What are you
Look! What the hell is going on
here!? What are you up to!?
What am I up to!? Good God!
Please, tell me you're a terrorist!
Tell me you're on a scavenger hunt!
Just tell me something that makes
sense because all you're doing is
driving me nuts!
(hurt and resigned)
The only thing I'm going to tell
you is that I'd like you to leave.
Fine! I'm going! Webbed feet!?
Are you fucking kidding me!?
Kirk grabs his coat and heads out the door. Molly slumps
onto her bed and cries as the door slams.
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
Kirk is at his post looking terribly sad. Stainer is working
at the same lane and is obviously feeling bad for his friend.
Fuller taps Kirk on the shoulder to alert him that Habib is
coming through. Habib sees this and takes his bag straight
to the search table, where he opens it for Kirk. Kirk
doesn't look inside.
Go on, Habib. You're good.
Habib steps off to his gate. Fuller gets in Kirk's face.
You think you're pretty smart don't
you Kettner. Thin ice mister!
Kirk stomps away from the checkpoint.
Good! Don't come back, Kettner!
America is safer without you!
Stainer goes after Kirk.
EXT. AIRPORT CURB
Kirk walks out the doors. Stainer catches up to him and they
walk down the busy curb at a quick, angry pace.
Kirky! Hold up, man! What are you
doing!? You can't let her screw up
Get away from me Stainer!
Whoa! Don't take it out on me! We
both knew this Molly thing wasn't
going to work out! It ain't my
You're right. It's not your fault.
It's my fault for listening to all
your... pernicious advice.
What the fuck you talkin' about?
All you did was fill my head with
all this crap about threes and tens
and how I'm not worthy.
Are you worthy of a chick like
Maybe! I don't know. But that's
not the point! You're supposed to
be my God damned best friend. You
I think you were jealous and you
set out to sabotage us from the
That is total bullshit!
Then why weren't you there for me?
What if she actually liked me!?
Maybe with a little help, I could
have pulled it off!
Kirk steps onto an...
INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
Willy (the Russian) is behind the wheel and as happy as ever.
A few others are seated on the bus. Stainer follows Kirk on
board. They remain standing, holding onto poles.
It is Kirk and his crazy friend
Stinker and they are most upset!
Willy steps on it and drives like a maniac, knocking Kirk and
Stainer around as they argue.
Kirk, she was going to hurt you.
Look at me! I'm hurt now!
Willy occasionally blurts out mindless echoes of their
argument, which Kirk and Stainer mostly ignore, like...
He's hurting now!
The longer this went on the worse it
would have been. I guarantee it!
You don't know what you're talking
He does not know!
Yes, I do, Kirk! I know exactly
what I'm talking about.
Perhaps he does know after all!
Remember last year when you hardly
saw me for about two months? I met
my own perfect ten. Tina Jordan.
Smart, cool and hot like you
wouldn't believe. Hotter than
Yeah right. So how come I never
heard a word about her until now?
Yes, how come no word of this Tina!?
I didn't tell anyone. I didn't
want to jinx it. She was perfect.
I was spilling over with...with
fucking happy! You know?
Two months into it, she dumps me.
And I knew it was coming. A girl
like that. Sooner or later she was
bound to get a better offer. But
it kicked my ass, man. I was
depressed for months.
That's what that was? You said you
had that fatigue syndrome thing.
I didn't want everyone knowing what
a pussy I was. Dude, it was a hurt
I can't even put into words.
What a pussy.
I couldn't watch you go through
that 'cause I love you, man.
You're the brother I never had.
Stainer leans over and hugs Kirk. Kirk doesn't hug back.
You have a brother, Stainer.
Yeah, but he's a cheese-dick.
Kirk's phone rings. He answers, forcing Stainer to let go.
INT. LAW OFFICE
Maury sits at his desk.
Kirk? Geeze, I'm glad I caught
you. Listen son, I got something
to tell you and don't get mad at me
okay? 'Cause this thing ain't my
fault. You might want to sit down
INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
Kirk slumps into a seat and listens, looking upset and
shocked. Stainer stares at Kirk, trying to get a sense of
what Kirk is being told.
INT. MOLLY'S OFFICE - DAY
Patty sits behind a reception desk in a small but stylish
lobby. A sign above her desk reads, "McCall Events." Kirk
walks in. Patty puts down her work and stares back at him.
Is Molly in?
You got some big red apples showing
your face around here again.
I know. I'm sorry. I just... Is
No. Get lost.
Stainer bursts in sweating and panting.
Oh, for Christ sake! This one
Patty comes out from behind her desk.
I'm warning you both - Molly has
been through enough. You go near
her and I will fuck you all the way
Stainer swaggers up into Patty's face.
WHACK!!! Patty throws an elbow and Stainer's head jacks
back. She is instantly on him, grabbing him in a headlock
and punching him in the face.
Ahhh!! Jesus Christ!!! Kirk!!
Who's your Mommy!? Come on! Who's
That's right! Patty is, isn't she!
Patty! Cut it out! I just came to
tell her that something happened!
Something really major happened!
Patty stops punching and looks up curiously. Stainer remains
in the headlock - also curious.
Patty punches him again.
You shut your hole! (to Kirk) What
First off, I'm sorry. Okay?
Patty rams Stainer's head into the door.
Every time you say you're sorry,
dumbshit here gets his bell rung.
Okay, okay! Sorry! I just...
Patty slams him again.
Dude! Stop apologizing!
Look! I know I was acting like an
idiot. She's just so... Well, I
was really having a hard time with
everyone thinking I was Molly's
brother or her co-worker or her gay
friend or whatever. I mean, nobody
believed that we were together.
It's too late for this shit, Kirk.
But I've got it worked out now.
Patty and Stainer wait for it. Kirk decides how to phrase it.
My Grandmother left me three
Patty drops Stainer on the floor.
I thought she was a blackjack
It turns out she bought stock in
Caesars Palace back in the sixties.
Nobody knew she still had it. I
don't think she even knew.
Wow. So, what does this have to do
See? Now it makes sense - me with
her. I'm a millionaire now.
So, what, now you can afford her!?
No! No! I get it! It's not a
whore thing! Now it works out in
his own mind. Right!? He can
relax and stop acting like a freak
because now he's bringing something
to the table! Right, Kirky!?
Right. Well, no. Now that you say
it out loud... I don't know.
You know what, Kirk - I told Molly
you were different but you're just
as shallow and full of shit as the
rest of them, aren't you?
Yeah, maybe I am.
Kirk walks out.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
Stainer is at his post watching the luggage on the x-ray
monitor. Suddenly, he sees Kirk coming through followed by
Marnie, Mr. & Mrs. Kettner, Eric and Debbie (still pregnant).
They are all wearing bright yellow sweatshirts. Stainer runs
around the machine to hug Kirk, who looks a little numb.
Kirky! How you been, brother!?
What are you doing here?
Me and Marnie and the family are
going to Branson. You know.
So you're "Branson Bound."
Stainer is referring to Kirk's shirt that reads, "BRANSON
BOUND" in big letters.
These were Marnie's idea. To make
it easy for us to stick together.
The others come through. Their shirts are decorated likewise.
Come on, Kirk.
I gotta go.
Stainer takes the boarding pass from Kirk's hand.
Relax, your flight doesn't leave
for another forty five minutes.
I'll meet you guys down at the
Marnie isn't pleased but she's going along with it. Eric
calls back as they all head to the gate.
Hey Stainer! Long time no see!
Take care, bro!
Why is he so nice all of a sudden?
Probably because I'm getting three
million dollars next week.
Shit, that's right. (THEN) So
you're back with Marnie then, huh?
Yeah, I know, but it's for the
best. I'm more secure with her.
I'm actually happy to be done with
all that Molly craziness.
Ron comes through security and over to Kirk.
Hey Stainer. Hey Pirate, can you
spot me a twenty. I want to get me
one of them travel pillows.
Kirk gives Ron a twenty and Ron steps away. Stainer is
appalled. He calls after Ron.
How come I'm not a pirate!? (then
to Kirk) Dude, do not tell me that
he's going with you guys.
He already bought his ticket and my
dad likes him. It's no big deal.
Look at me Big Slick.
Kirk doesn't look into his eyes.
Look at me.
Tell me things are good.
Don't be such a drama queen.
Things are fine. I gotta go.
Alright, man. It was good to see
They exchange an awkward handshake. Kirk walks away.
Stainer stands alone, watching him go.
Stainer tightens his jaw and runs his fingers through his
hair. Finally he kicks his head back and, with great
determination, he stomps off in the opposite direction.
Follow Stainer past security, dodging passengers and carts.
He arrives at the...
INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT
Stainer marches up to the Orange Julius. A short, doughy,
plain girl works the counter. (This is the same girl that
Stainer had claimed to have "boned" earlier.) She's wearing
an orange visor and rubber gloves. Several customers are
waiting but Stainer moves to stand in front of her.
She looks up from her smoothie. She has drink powder on her
face. She groans to see him.
Elmer, I've got customers here.
Tina, I need to know right now why
it didn't work out with us.
She hands a smoothie to a customer.
That's a large Julius. Twelve
This is important. I was good to
you. I was sensitive, right?
Hey, Desperado, you gonna order
something or what?
Stainer gets in the customer's face.
The fuck you just call me!?
Oh, for Christ's! Tammy! Can you
INT. AIRPORT - SOUTHWEST GATE
A large crowd of passengers are waiting to board. The gate
agent, makes an announcement.
Okay folks, we're going to start by
boarding the A group. All A's are
now welcome to board.
Marnie butts into the line.
Look, I've got seven people in my
party so we're going to need to
board right away.
Are you folks in the A group?
What difference does that make!?
Well, because you seem like a
little bit of a B. May I see your
Fine. We're not in the A group but
we're still getting on next.
She hands him the pass - marked "C."
Oh, it looks like you're a raging
C. So, you're gonna want to take a
seat until your group is called.
She stomps away.
INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT - LATER
Stainer and Tina sit at a table. He sits with his head down
like a sad little boy. She pities him.
I really liked you Elmer, but all
that stuff about me being a ten and
how lucky you were and always
checking up to see if I was going
to dump you...
Well, you did dump me, so...
What could I do? You were all up
in my business all the time. I
It was my stupid job, wasn't it?
You were embarrassed.
I work at Orange Julius, Elmer! If
you would have just chilled out and
Okay, I can do that.
She holds up her finger with an engagement ring on it.
Stainer drops his head onto the table. Tina rubs his hair
for a second and then walks away.
INT. AIRPLANE - 737 - EVENING
Kirk is somber as he finds his seat near the middle of the
plane. From two rows back, Eric reaches over some other
passengers to tap Kirk on the shoulder.
Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro!
Eric hangs up a high five and Kirk leaves it hanging. Kirk
takes a seat on the aisle next to Marnie. He gives Marnie a
forced smile. She puts her head on his shoulder. Pan over to
the window seat where Ron sits watching them, wearing his new
Suddenly, there is a commotion at the front of the plane.
What!? You don't have authority on
board this aircraft!
Stainer barges past the flight attendant, holding up his TSA
It's okay folks! TSA! This guy's
drunk as fuck and he shit himself.
We gotta get him off the plane.
Stainer grabs Kirk by the shoulder, pulls him out of his seat
and about two rows down the aisle before Kirk overpowers him
Stainer! What are you nuts!?
You were right! I messed you up.
We gotta fix this thing! Let's go.
Stainer! No! Believe it or not,
this isn't about you! In fact it's
none of your business!
Kirky! In junior high I peed my
pants in class and Eric started
calling me Stainer, remember?
Pretty soon everyone else started
calling me Stainer because they
knew it would make me cry. Then
you told me to own that name, to
call myself Stainer so nobody could
hurt me with it anymore.
What's your point?
My point is... um... Oh, shit. I
was just in the crapper and I had
this thing all worked out. Damn it.
The pilot is now behind Stainer and towering over him.
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you
to exit the aircraft immediately.
Stainer turns into his face.
I'm going to have to ask you to
fuck off immediately before I feed
you your own fuckin' teeth!
The pilot backs up and goes for help.
Jesus Stains! You're going to get
arrested! And I won't be here to
bail you out this time.
Ooohh! That was my point! You
saved me! That time and a bunch of
other times too.
You gotta let me save you this
time. It's my turn! Your grandma
didn't leave you three million
bucks so you could take these a-
holes to Branson.
Eric gets up and steps into Stainer's face. In mid-sentence
and without pausing Stainer zaps Eric with a stun gun. Eric
sails back into his seat as Stainer continues.
These people hardly know you.
Stainer, I appreciate that you
think you're helping me but I'm
with Marnie now.
Kirk, Marnie's a fuckin' bitch.
(to Marnie) All due respect.
Hit him Kirk! Or else I will!
Fuller and two other security people enter the plane. The
pilot briefs them on what's happening.
Kirk! You said Marnie makes you feel
secure but security is bullshit!
Look at our jobs! It's all for show!
For all we know, there's a bomb on
this plane right now!
The other passengers gasp and most of them look at Habib, who
sits a few seats behind Kirk.
Fuller grabs Stainer by the collar.
You want to see what I think of
Stainer turns and punches Fuller in the face, knocking him
backwards onto the other agents.
Oh, Stainer, what did you do?
Kirk! When I added all this up for
you I made one big mistake. You
are a ten. YOU'RE A TEN, MAN!
Kirk just stares back. Fuller and the agents grab Stainer
but he clutches a seat and stays put.
You're not buying any of this
bullshit are you?
Stainer loses his grip and the agents drag him off the plane.
Kirk sits down and Marnie comforts him.
INT. AIRPORT - EVENING
Over a bummed out song we see different areas of the airport.
People on moving sidewalks. People on escalators. Bags
moving around on a carousel. People in line. Flight Arrival
and Departure times. Food trays moving down a buffet. Bags
moving by on the x-ray monitor. People walking like cattle
to their gates. Through the crowd, we see a man running
against the traffic. It's Kirk!
INT. HILTON BALLROOM - NIGHT
Molly, looking beautiful in a formal gown, moves through a
sea of tables. Hundreds of formally dressed people are
seated around the tables, eating dinner. Molly greets,
kisses and shakes hands with several people as she goes.
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT
Kirk is huffing and puffing as he rounds the corner and
arrives at the checkpoint. He looks around frantically.
Randy! Where's Stainer!?
Randy points to a room marked, "Airport Security - Authorized
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Kirk bursts in to find Stainer bent over a metal table.
Fuller (with two black eyes) and another agent hold him down
as a homeland security agent stands behind Stainer, giving
him the full cavity search. Kirk doesn't miss a beat.
Stainer! I don't have a car here!
I need your van!
Right on! The keys are in my
A jacket is hanging by the door. Kirk reaches in and grabs
the keys. He turns fast and exits. Fuller jacks Stainer's
head onto the table.
The door opens more slowly and Kirk regards his friend with
great reverence. Stainer strains to lift his head against
Listen, Kirk. (dramatic pause and
music) It's three on the tree and
the clutch sticks.
SLAM! Stainer's head is jacked back onto the table.
INT. HILTON - SMALL BANQUET ROOM
This room is set up as a staging area for the cancer benefit.
Patty and several others are buzzing around preparing for the
next phase of the evening. Molly enters, holding a walkie
talkie up to her head and speaking into it.
No, I need the staff ready to help
with bids when the auction begins.
VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE
I don't think we can spare anyone -
Patty grabs the walkie talkie.
Leslie! We're not here to feed
these people, we're here to cure
Now I want every one of those
motherfuckers back there taking
bids in fifteen - out!
Patty tosses the walkie-talkie back and then crosses to help
a group of young cancer patients, some in wheelchairs, to
unpack their sculptures and label them for the auction.
A stressed-out woman in a BEEHIVE hairdo picks up a SMALL
BOY's sculpture. She hails Molly.
Ms. McCall, we've got a big problem.
What is it?
This young man has made an ashtray.
Okay. Well, what do you want from
me? Kids make ashtrays.
It's a cancer benefit. Don't you
think this sends the wrong message?
It's a really nice ashtray.
They're not bidding on the artwork;
they're bidding on the kids. It's
Beehive sighs hard and hands the ashtray back to the boy.
Molly turns around and a look of surprise comes over her.
What are you doing here!?
Reverse to show Talon holding a ridiculously large flower
I came to say I'm sorry and to put
in a request for a second chance.
VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE
Ms. McCall, the auction is underway
I'm sorry. I have to get in there.
Can we talk about this afterwards?
I'm looking forward to it.
INT. HILTON BALLROOM
The emcee is taking bids on a little sculpture of an abstract
Timothy Brigg's sculpture of a...
fire truck? Sold to the woman in
the green dress for four hundred
fifty dollars. Congratulations
ma'am and thanks so much.
Molly picks up the small boy's ashtray and joins the emcee on
stage. She takes a deep breath before facing the crowd.
Our next item... Well, here she is
folks, the woman who donates her
time to make this amazing event
possible, our own Molly McCall!
Thank you. Thanks, Bob. I'm so
sorry for my tardiness. The next
item up for bids is from nine-year-
old Walter Benegan. And this is
a... little something that you can
put your paper clips or do-dads
in... Oh, who am I kidding, it's an
ashtray. (audience laughs) Let's
start the bidding at one hundred
One hundred. Thank you sir.
Two hundred to the...
Two seventy five.
Fantastic. Two-seventy-five. Do I
hear three hundred?
No replies. The small boy hangs his head. He was hoping his
piece would fetch more. His mother pats him on the head.
Two Seventy Five going once. Going
Ten thousand dollars!
The small boy looks up, elated. The spotlight searches the
room and lands on Kirk near the back. The audience applauds.
Kirk? I hope you don't really
think this is going to...
Talon stands across the room, crossing his arms in defiance.
Eric bursts in through a door near Kirk.
Fifteen thousand five hundred!
Both of you! This is ridiculous...
Go get him Kirk! It's chump change
to you now.
The crowd applauds.
Is that a serious bid?
Fifty thousand dollars!
Eric makes a fist to indicate that it's time for the killing
blow. Kirk nods back his agreement.
Three million dollars!
Eric's eyes go wide. This is not what he had in mind. The
crowd erupts into laughter. Talon also laughs off the bid.
Kirk, that's your entire
The crowd shifts from laughter into excited chatter.
Folks, calm down. I don't want to
get anyone's hopes up. It's only
fair that I clarify something to
the bidder. Kirk, please
understand that if you commit this
money, we will all be eternally
grateful and I think your
grandmother will be very proud of
you... But it doesn't change
anything between you and me.
This sets off a volley of whispers among the crowd and puts a
smile on Talon's face.
So, again, is this a serious bid?
Kirk looks to Molly, then his brother - who is shaking his
head NO! He then scans the hopeful expressions on the faces
of the kids and their parents. Kirk takes a deep breath.
Three million dollars.
You stupid son of a bitch!
Three million going once. Going
twice. Sold to the man in the
Branson Bound sweatshirt.
The crowd cheers.
Congratulations to little Walter
whose ashtray has brought in more
than any piece in our history.
The young sculptor beams. The crowd cheers again. Kirk
gives a smile and a nod of resignation as he leaves the room.
INT. HILTON BAR
Kirk and Eric sit at the bar, each nursing a drink. Eric is
You are such a numbnut. I am
telling you - absolute numbnuttery!
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Excuse me. May I use that ashtray?
Kirk turns to find that he is sitting next to BILLY JOEL, who
is smoking a cigar. Eric passes him the ashtray that Kirk
Sure. Careful with it there,
Captain Jack. It cost him three
Billy Joel, ashes in the ashtray.
Yeah, I saw that. Tough break in
there, my friend. Still, that was
a hell of a good thing you did for
Beautiful women huh? What are you
I guess I'm going to go home.
It's none of my business but I do
know a thing or two about hooking
up with women who are out of your
league. Can I tell you a little
Kirk and Eric look at one another in disbelief and then at
Look, it's not about money, fame or
Whoa! All due respect there, Big
Shot. How would you know? You had
all that shit when you bagged the
Yeah, but I had all that shit when
I lost 'em too. It's not enough.
You believe this fuckin' guy?
Jesus Christ, Eric! I'm trying to
get some advice from Billy Joel.
Do you think you could manage to
shut the fuck up for two minutes!?
Fine. Geeze. What's up your ass?
Thank you. Look kid, it's not what
you can give 'em or even what you
can give up. It's what your made
Joel places a cocktail in front of Kirk and then clinks his
own against it.
INT. HILTON BALLROOM - LATER
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome The Piano Man! The
Entertainer! And our foundation's
greatest champion! Mr. Billy Joel!
The crowd cheers as the curtain rises. The crowd's
excitement turns to confusion.
From the back of the room, Molly notices the crowd's
reaction. She turns to see Kirk seated before the huge white
grand piano, his hands sweaty and shaking over the keys.
Kirk looks at the crowd. Hundreds of confused faces stare
back at him.
Beehive rushes Patty in a panic.
Aren't you going to do something
Lady, he just gave three million
dollars. He can go up there and
try to blow himself for all I care.
Kirk wrings his hands as they shake harder.
Billy Joel stands in the wings and gives Kirk a nod of, "You
can do it."
Molly turns to walk away but notes ring out from the piano
and she stops.
Kirk plays and sings "Just the Way You Are" - badly. His
voice and hands shake but he forges on. The audience is
confused, cringing and restless.
Someone starts booing. Kirk can't help but glance up to see
who it is - it's Eric.
When Kirk reaches the instrumental break, he settles in a bit
- he can actually play.
As the last note fades, Kirk leaps up, and runs out into
EXT. HILTON BACK ALLEY
Kirk bursts out the door and vomits into a dumpster. He
falls backwards against the wall and slides down into a
You realize that there's a good
chance this won't work out.
Molly steps out into the alley.
And you could get hurt.
And you're going to have to be
naked in front of me at some point.
I can work up to that.
Kirk stands up.
So, you and me are...
Three million dollars for kids with
cancer and you sing to me? I'm not
made of wood you know.
Molly hugs him. The first intro riff of a piano version of
"Pressure" kicks in and the crowd inside goes crazy.
But one condition.
You have to go brush your teeth
Talon walks out into the alley, still holding the flowers.
So, Molly... Can we finish our
Kirk takes Molly's hand and leads her past Talon.
Sorry Poncho, she's with me.
EXT. WEDDING - DAY
Close on a preacher.
The vows you have just heard are a
unique expression of the love
between two souls.
Close on Kirk - looking dapper but sweaty and nervous.
PREACHER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Two souls who have come together
this day in holy matrimony.
Close on Molly - looking more beautiful than ever.
And by the power vested in me by
the great state of Nevada, I now
pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now...
A wider shot reveals the NASCAR theme wedding of Eric and
Debbie. Kirk stands among the groomsmen. Each are dressed
in tuxes that represent the colors, numbers and sponsors of
certain drivers. Molly stands among the bridesmaids. Each
dressed in a checkered-flag gown. Ron and Marnie are also in
the wedding party.
Debbie hands her mulatto baby to the preacher so that she and
Eric can share a disgusting wide open mouth kiss. Debbie
grabs Eric's ass while Eric gropes her breasts.
Stainer and Wheel in the Sky kick into "Any Way You Want It"
from a bandstand nearby. Patty dances in front of Stainer -
he winks back at her.
Devon cuts up a wedding cake that looks like a full-sized
racing wheel and tire.
EXT. WEDDING - STREET
The guests throw rice as Eric and Debbie run to a stretch
Eric picks up Debbie and loads her in through the window. He
then runs around to the other side and jumps into that
window. The limo burns rubber as it peels away.
Pan across the guests as they wave goodbye; Devon and his
squeaky clean family, Jack and a hot date, Mr. & Mrs.
Kettner, Marnie & Ron. Patty and Stainer - making out. Kirk
and Molly stand together arm in arm. Kirk holds a ceramic
urn, painted with the Las Vegas skyline.
Push in on the urn until the skyline becomes real. Push in
toward the top of The Stratosphere Casino. Continue pushing
in until we are inside the observation deck. Push through
the gift shop where the TV is tuned to CNN. As we pass the
TV we hear.
In a press conference held earlier
today, NASA officials announced
that affordable tourist travel to
the surface of the moon will be a
reality within the next ten to
Push past the TV, out of the gift shop and to the other side
of the observation deck where we find Kirk and Molly. They
kiss before they open the urn and pour Grammy's ashes over