TED
Written by
Seth Macfarlane, Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild
EXT. SPACE - X
As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to
slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States.
The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through
the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see
large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It's
winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one
small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear
the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It has been said that magic vanished from
our world a long time ago. And that
humanity can no longer fulfill its
desires through the power of wishes.
To those who have lost the wondrous
vision of childhood eyes, submitted here
is the story of a little boy, and a
magical Christmas wish that changed his
life forever.
EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It began in 1985, in a town just outside
Boston.
We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at
each other in the street.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits. That
special time of year when Boston children
gather together and beat up the Jewish
kids.
Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled,
and starts walking up the street. One of the snowball-
throwing kids points at the sled kid.
KID #1
Hey, Greenbaum!
GREENBAUM
Uh oh.
KID #1
It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow! You know
what I'm gonna get him?
GREENBAUM
W...what?
(CONTINUED)
2
CONTINUED:
KID #1
My fist in your fuckin' face!
GREENBAUM
Why would Jesus want that?
KID #2
Get him!
The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle
him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy
and innocent-looking) approaches the melee.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But there was one child who wasn't in
such good spirits. Little John Bennett.
That one boy in every neighborhood who
just has a tough time making friends.
JOHN
Hey guys, can I play?
The kids all look at him.
KID #1/#2/#3
Get outta here! / Get outta here,
Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett!
The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John.
GREENBAUM
Yeah, Bennett, get outta here!
The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly
walks back toward his house.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
NARRATOR (V.O.)
John longed with all his heart for that
one true friend that he could call his
own. And he knew that if he ever found
that friend, he would never let him go.
John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands,
looking outside. John'S POV - We see the other kids all
playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing
snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A
WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with
open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Well, as it does every year, Christmas
morning finally came.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
3
CONTINUED:
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All the children were opening their gifts
with holiday glee.
INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on,
smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with
delight.
INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on,
smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is
overjoyed.
INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on,
smiling. Inside is a "Darth Vader head" action figure case.
The boy opens it up, revealing that it's full of "Star Wars"
action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically.
EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And for little John Bennett, Christmas
Day brought a very special new arrival.
John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a
present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear.
The boy holds it with delight.
JOHN
Wow!
HIS MOM AND DAD hug him.
JOHN'S DAD
I guess Santa paid attention to how good
you were this year, huh?
JOHN'S MOM
(KISSING HIM)
Merry Christmas, John.
John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, high-
pitched "I wuv you" sound. John gasps with delight.
(CONTINUED)
4
CONTINUED:
JOHN
He talks!
John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk,
as his mom and dad exchange a smile.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm gonna name you Teddy.
INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film "Flash
Gordon" on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next
to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a "bite."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
John became instantly attached to Teddy.
There was something about that bear that
made him feel as if he finally had a
friend with whom he could share his
deepest secrets.
INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT
JOHN
Hey Teddy... can I tell you something
nobody knows?
Teddy looks back at him, expressionless.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Last week, my mom and dad took me to the
park for a picnic. And they have this
duck pond there, and... when nobody was
looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it
at a duck. Was that mean?
He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the "I wuv you"
sound.
JOHN (CONT'D)
(HUGGING HIM)
I love you too, Teddy!
John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with
it.
JOHN (CONT'D)
You know... I wish you could really talk
to me. Because then we could be best
friends forever and ever.
(CONTINUED)
5
CONTINUED:
John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the
window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house
slowly.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Now, if there's one thing you can be sure
of... it's that nothing is more powerful
than a young boy's wish.
(BEAT)
Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache
helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry. An absolute
death machine. Well, as it turned out,
John picked the perfect night to make a
wish.
EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the
snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the
clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which
we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by
through the opening.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear's face as John lies
sleeping next to it.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING
The house and yard are covered with snow.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SAME
John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy,
but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John
bolts upright and looks around, frantically.
JOHN
Teddy?
(beat, a bit more concerned)
Teddy?!
(CONTINUED)
6
CONTINUED:
John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there.
He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed's perimeter,
assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the
night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE
FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Teddy?
John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the
camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN'S P.O.V.: We see the
face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once.
TEDDY
Hug me.
John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at
Teddy, breathing heavily.
JOHN
Did you... did you just talk?
TEDDY
You're my best friend, John.
JOHN
(BEAT)
You're alive?!
TEDDY
Uh-huh.
JOHN
Whoa...
TEDDY
Don't look so surprised. You're the one
who wished for it, aren't you?
JOHN
Yeah, I... I did wish for it.
TEDDY
Well, here I am.
JOHN
You mean... we get to be best friends...
for real?
TEDDY
For real.
JOHN
Forever and ever?
(CONTINUED)
7
CONTINUED:
TEDDY
Sounds good to me.
A huge grin spreads across John's face. He gets up, runs
to Teddy and hugs him.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
John was just about the happiest boy in
the world. And he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.
INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER
John's Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper
as John's Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on
their plates.
JOHN'S MOM
Well, I think we had a wonderful
Christmas this year.
JOHN'S DAD
One of the best.
(SLYLY)
And I particularly enjoyed the gift you
gave me last night.
John runs into the kitchen.
JOHN
Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear's
alive!
John's Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.
JOHN'S MOM
(PLAYING ALONG)
Really, sweetie? Well, that's exciting.
JOHN
No mom, he's alive! For real! Look!
Teddy walks in and stands next to John.
TEDDY
Merry Christmas, everybody!
John's Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the
table. John's mom screams.
JOHN'S DAD
Jesus H. Fuck!
(CONTINUED)
8
CONTINUED:
TEDDY
Let's all be best friends!
JOHN'S MOM
Oh my god...
JOHN'S DAD
John, get away from that thing! Come
over here, right now!
JOHN
BUT DAD--
JOHN'S DAD
GET OVER HERE!
John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and
protectively pulls him aside.
JOHN'S DAD (CONT'D)
Helen, get my gun.
JOHN
Dad, no!
TEDDY
Is it a hugging gun?
JOHN'S DAD
Helen, get my gun, and call the police!
TEDDY
I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to
scare anybody. I just wanted John and I
to be friends.
JOHN
Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that
Teddy was alive, and my wish came true!
JOHN'S MOM
(ASTONISHED WHISPER)
My god, Steve... it's a miracle. A
Christmas miracle.
They stare at Teddy for a beat.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Well, it wasn't long before the story of
John's little miracle was sweeping the
nation.
9
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
We see an 80's NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A
graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder.
NEWSCASTER
Out of a Boston suburb comes what is,
without a doubt, the most incredible
story in the history of broadcast news...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
We see an 80's FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear
is over her left shoulder.
FEMALE NEWSCASTER
...young boy's stuffed animal has
magically come to life for as yet unknown
reasons. Scientists are stumped as to
how...
AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18
We see a `70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says
"ACTION NEWS GEORGIA". He points manically at the
graphic of the bear above his left shoulder.
SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus
did! Look what Jesus did!
INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER
sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the
screen, is a picture of the bear.
FEMALE NEWSCASTER
(SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS)
The male newscaster turns sharply to her.
MALE NEWSCASTER
(ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE)
He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her
head in her hands, in shame.
10
INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Before long, Teddy had become a huge
celebrity in his own right.
We see REAL FOOTAGE of "The Tonight Show" from the `80's,
with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in
the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible,
will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands
with Johnny and sitting down.)
REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE
INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a
flashlight.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But through all the fame, Teddy never
forgot his very best friend, John.
JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
The thunder can't get us, right?
TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
Nope. We're thunder buddies. And the
thunder knows it. We're totally safe.
ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them.
JOHN
Teddy?
TEDDY
Yeah, John?
JOHN
Do you promise we'll always be together?
TEDDY
I promise.
Another thunder clap.
TEDDY (CONT'D)
Thunder buddies for life.
JOHN
Thunder buddies for life.
(CONTINUED)
11
CONTINUED:
They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the
covers.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And that was a promise that neither one
of them ever forgot.
Over the following, we continue to pull back from the
room to the outside of the moonlit house...
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So where are John and Teddy today? Well,
let me put it this way: no matter how big
a splash you make in this world, whether
you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz,
Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear,
eventually nobody gives a shit.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING
We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles
roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout.
PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the
everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO:
INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO)
Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at
the camera, chins resting on their hands.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO)
Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a
treehouse.
A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted
shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads:
"America's Little Miracle". Smaller headlines read,
"Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!" and "The
Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc."
A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in
front of an American flag. The headline reads, "Ted,
White, and Blue". Smaller headlines read, "Oliver North
Draws the Heat" and "Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own
`Robocop'?"
12
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
(Insert existing soapbox racer bit here)
EXT. PARK (PHOTO)
Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday
cake at John's ninth birthday party.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO)
Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing
on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as
tall as Larry.
A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with
the headline "TV'S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!" Smaller
headlines read, "Inside: The Best Show You're Not
Watching!" and "The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!"
WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" INTO WHICH
TED HAS BEEN INSERTED.
INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing
as they watch the show.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO)
Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his
bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like
E.T.
ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, "UP
CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH `TERMINATOR 2's ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER!" Down below in smaller print it says
"Plus, we talk to Ted the bear".
EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO)
Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John
looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO)
John's high school graduation.
(CONTINUED)
13
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news
anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads
"FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT", with an
unflattering photo of Ted.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO)
We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption
below reads "Ted caught with mushrooms at airport
security". He's putting up a bit of a fight, and gives
the "finger" to the camera (the finger is pixilated).
INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing.
Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident.
EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
(Insert existing "Phantom Menace" bit)
INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
(Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit)
ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to
the status indicator. It reads, "In a Relationship With
Lori Collins." An arrow clicks on her name, going to her
page. On her wall, it reads "Lori has added 3 new photos
in the album Mobile Uploads".
EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO)
Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that
John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms
crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl.
EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO)
In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands
laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something)
covering her eyes with his paws.
14
EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO)
John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on
horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also
wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever.
EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the
ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts,
disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing
the ball into the cup "accidentally". Lori smiles. John
smiles back at her. Ted winks.
EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
(Insert "Jeter sucks" bit)
EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO)
EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY
John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding
an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera,
each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of
ice cream on their upper lips.
EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up
behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and
grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We
ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering
a "Home Sweet Home" picture into the wall. He steps
back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall.
He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there
like an idiot.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with
their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of
Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine
bottle on the table in front of them.
15
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the
background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is
in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up
his letters. He has spelled out the word "DOUCHE", with
an extra B and G to spare.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch.
EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
(Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.)
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - MORNING
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales,
his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for
the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is
ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple
stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there's
evidence of some half-assed sewing. It's obvious he's
been around for three decades. He and John, who sits
next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them.
John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the too-
worn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a
box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful,
he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the
remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity
Pebbles all over his face. It doesn't faze him much,
though, as he brushes them off. It's quite obvious that
this is a guy who has never really given up his
childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted
passes the bong to John.
TED
All I'm sayin' is Boston women are are,
on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than
women from the elsewheres of life.
JOHN
That's bullshit, what about Lori? She's
hot.
TED
Lori's from Pennsylvania, not a Boston
girl.
(CONTINUED)
16
CONTINUED:
JOHN
They're not that bad.
John takes a hit from the bong over Ted's next line.
TED
The fact that you have to say they're not
that bad means that they are that bad.
They turn into drunk, half-white, half-
pink monsters after 2 hours at any beach.
Ted takes a hit from the bong.
TED (CONT'D)
(COUGHS)
Jesus, this is weak. It's not even
gettin' me high. I gotta have a talk
with my weed guy.
JOHN
I-- It's workin' for me.
TED
I think it sucks, I'm gonna have a talk
with him.
JOHN
Yeah, I don't know that you wanna go to a
drug dealer with complaints.
TED
No, I know this guy a long time. I've
known him since 9/11. Remember, I was
like, "Aw, shit. 9/11. I gotta get
high."
JOHN
(looks at his watch)
Oh fuck, is it nine-thirty? Shit, I
gotta get to work.
John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get
dressed.
TED
Hey, you mind pickin' up a bird feeder on
the way home? I wanna start enjoying the
beauty of birds.
JOHN (O.S.)
Jesus, I don't know if I can drive.
TED
I'll drive you, I feel fine.
17
EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS
We see two shots of John's car driving through the city:
We see John in the passenger's seat putting Visine into
his eyes, with only Ted's ears and eyes showing as he
drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an
overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to
reveal it crossing Boston's huge suspension bridge.
EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING
John's car pulls up the street and into the parking lot,
scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of
the rental cars.
JOHN/TED
Aw, Jesus. / Fuck.
ANGLE ON Ted's feet. There are wooden blocks attached to
the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on
the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and
looks at the damage.
JOHN
Aw, man.
TED
Is it bad?
JOHN
It's not good.
ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch
manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the
doorway.
THOMAS
John! May I speak with you, please?
JOHN
Shit.
TED
It's okay, go, go, I'll pull outta here.
(WAVING)
Hi, Thomas! How are ya?
Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the
car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and
another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking.
OTHER DRIVER
Asshole!
(CONTINUED)
18
CONTINUED:
TED
(OVERLAPPING)
Easy, Jersey license!
Ted drives away.
INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
Thomas sits at his desk facing John.
THOMAS
John, it's almost ten o'clock.
JOHN
I know, I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
THOMAS
What do you mean?
JOHN
(BEAT)
I guess I... wasn't really prepared for a
follow-up question.
THOMAS
John, all you have to do is not fuck up,
and you get my job when I go to corporate
next month. You will be the new branch
manager. All you have to do is not fuck
up, and all you're doing is fucking up.
Not that I don't think you're too fucked
up to handle not fucking up my job, but
you happen to be the least fucked-up
person in the whole office. The next
least fucked-up is Alix, and you've been
here three fucking years longer than him.
But I'm telling you, I will promote the
fuck out of him if you fuck up one more
time. That is all. Fuck.
JOHN
Sir, I promise, you're not gonna regret
promoting the fuck out of me.
THOMAS
Good. I like hearing that. Because in a
month my life now could be your life: a
cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who's
personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It's
not a bad life, is it?
JOHN
N--no.
(CONTINUED)
19
CONTINUED:
THOMAS
Did you know I'm friends with Tom
Skerritt?
JOHN
No.
THOMAS
I'll show you something I don't show too
many people, because I don't want anyone
treating me differently.
Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom
Skerritt.
THOMAS (CONT'D)
That's me and Tom Skerritt.
JOHN
(SLIGHTLY OVERDONE)
Wowwww.
THOMAS
Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here.
I'm gonna dock you for being late, and
for the scratch on that car. Try and be
a little more responsible tomorrow.
JOHN
I will, sir. Thank you. I won't let you
down, Goose.
THOMAS
What?
JOHN
Top Gun.
THOMAS
So?
JOHN
Tom Skerritt.
THOMAS
Oh.
John exits.
INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
John emerges from Thomas' office, and walks out into the
front desk area.
(CONTINUED)
20
CONTINUED:
We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton
type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a
pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and
a little bruised.
GUY
There you go, here's your key and rental
agreement, and a complimentary map of
Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty,
drive safely.
HUSBAND/WIFE
Thank you./Thanks so much.
The couple exits. Guy turns to face John.
GUY
Hey, heard you got busted.
JOHN
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what
happened?
GUY
I don't know, man. I got fuckin' wasted
last night, and my phone says I texted
somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me
up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same
person saying thanks.
JOHN
And you don't remember it?
GUY
No. Same as last time.
JOHN
It... it just seems gay, doesn't it?
GUY
I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
JOHN
Do you think you're part of some, like,
gay beat-up underworld? Like one of
those gay beat-up clubs?
GUY
I don't know. I dig chicks. I don't
remember any of it, I was so fucked up.
I might be gay, I don't know. You mind
covering for me for a bit? I'm gonna go
lay down in the john.
(CONTINUED)
21
CONTINUED:
Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a
vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan
walks up.
ALIX
Hey you buddies. Where's it hanging?
GUY/JOHN
Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last
night?
ALIX
Ah, I didn't get in because the bouncer
was doucheface, but I made friends in the
line.
GUY
Oh, well, that's good I guess.
We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter
from the back with a set of keys.
TANYA
Hi you guys.
Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over
to her station and sits.
ALIX
You look so pretty today.
TANYA
Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this
morning.
ALIX
I can tell, you are less fat than you
have been.
JOHN
Hey guys, does anybody know a nice
restaurant? Like something where the
napkins are cloth?
GUY
For what?
JOHN
Lori and I have been dating four years
tomorrow, and I wanted to take her
someplace nice.
TANYA
Oh wow, congratulations, John.
(CONTINUED)
22
CONTINUED:
GUY
You guys`ve been goin' out for four
years?
JOHN
Yeah.
GUY
THAT'S IN--
(HIGH-PITCHED)
--saaaane, my longest relationship was
like six months, and then she farted in
her sleep. I'm like, I am outta here,
man. Was gone before she woke up.
JOHN
Wow, you're... not very tolerant, huh.
GUY
Lori ever fart in front of you?
JOHN
Yes.
GUY
Really.
JOHN
Yes. Many times.
GUY
You Italian?
JOHN
No.
GUY
Oh.
JOHN
Why?
GUY
I dunno, just seems like-- never mind,
take her to Benihana.
TANYA
Don't you think after four years, maybe
she's probably hoping for something more
than dinner?
JOHN
Like what?
(CONTINUED)
23
CONTINUED:
TANYA
Well, if I were her, I'd be expecting a
proposal.
JOHN
Oh come on, nobody's expecting anybody to
propose. Marriage isn't... I mean, isn't
love enough? I submit that love is
enough.
GUY
You could put the ring in her ass and let
her fart it out.
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we
saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer
as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The
TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film "Flash
Gordon." As "Flash's Theme" plays:
JOHN
So bad, but so good.
TED
Yes, a study in contrasts.
JOHN
Oh, I love this part.
(SINGING ALONG)
HE'S FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
TED
(SINGING ALONG)
STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
JOHN
(SINGING ALONG)
HE'LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN
EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY
FLASH!
TED
Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I
forget, let's nail down a plan for the
Bruins game tomorrow night.
JOHN
I can't, I'm taking Lori to dinner.
(CONTINUED)
24
CONTINUED:
TED
For what?
JOHN
Well, we've been dating four years
tomorrow.
TED
Oh, fuck me. Nice.
JOHN
Lemme ask you something... you don't
think she's gonna be expecting
something... big, do you?
TED
(BEAT)
What, like anal?
JOHN
No, like... a circular gold thing on the
finger.
TED
Oh, fuck that! It's four years! You and
I have been together 27 years!
Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in
the face.
TED (CONT'D)
Where's my ring, Johnny? Where's my
ring, asshole?
JOHN
Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off!
He throws Ted off of him.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I mean, do you think she might be
expecting me to make that kinda move?
TED
No, John. It's a bad idea. And it's the
wrong time. What with the economy and...
the credit bubble... the Supreme Court...
I mean, look at Haiti.
JOHN
I guess I didn't think about that.
ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the
Merciless.
(CONTINUED)
25
CONTINUED:
KLYTUS (ON TV)
Who are you?
FLASH (ON TV)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York
Jets.
JOHN
This is the American fantasy, right here.
A professional NFL player is called upon
to save the world.
TED
Tom Brady could do that.
JOHN
Tom Brady could do that.
The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her
mid to late 20's, enters holding several grocery bags.
LORI
Hi guys.
JOHN
Hey, sweetie.
TED
Hey, Lori.
John gets up and gives Lori a kiss.
LORI
Ooh. I think you just got me stoned.
JOHN
(RE: GROCERIES)
What do we got there?
LORI
Turkey burgers.
TED
Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for
dinner or something?
LORI
(WISEASS)
No, just you homos.
TED/JOHN
Whoa!!!
(CONTINUED)
26
CONTINUED:
TED
She's funny, John. You got yourself a
regular Toni Collette.
LORI
Wait, who's that? Is that good?
JOHN
She's a comedienne.
LORI
Oh nice. Is she pretty?
JOHN
She's as pretty as she is funny. How was
work?
LORI
Good.
JOHN
How's your dickhead boss?
LORI
Rex is fine. He only hit on me once
today, so that's good.
JOHN
I'm not saying this to be mean, but I
really hope that fucker gets leukemia.
LORI
He's harmless, I can handle it.
TED
Hey Johnny, while you're up, grab me a
beer, huh?
JOHN
(crossing to fridge)
Oh yeah, a coupla' Charles Brew-Kowskis?
TED
Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice
right about now.
We see Lori roll her eyes. She's heard this before.
LORI
Jesus.
JOHN
Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?
(CONTINUED)
27
CONTINUED:
TED
Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski?
LORI
Y'know, I think I might also have a
Martina Navra-ti-brewski.
JOHN/TED
Ohhhh, that doesn't work!/Come on, don't
ruin it, yeah, that doesn't work.
LORI
Bullshit, what do you mean?
JOHN
It doesn't work, the name has to have a
"ski" at the end of it. You just put
"brewski" on the end of Martina
Navratolova.
LORI
I thought we were just doing funny names.
TED
No, it's gotta have a "ski" at the end.
Otherwise where's the challenge? If
there's no "ski" at the end of the root
word, then we would just be idiots saying
nonsense.
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's raining, with an occasional roll of thunder.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news
site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom,
and cozies up next to her.
LORI
(OFF IPAD)
Oh, look, they found those missing
hikers.
JOHN
They did? What happened?
LORI
It says they got separated and one of
them had his foot trapped under a rock
for five days.
(CONTINUED)
28
CONTINUED:
JOHN
You know, if your leg got trapped under a
rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.
LORI
(SWEETLY)
You would?
JOHN
I sure would.
(BEAT)
Is that cannibalism?
LORI
No, I think it's only cannibalism if you
swallow.
JOHN
Oh yeah, no, I don't swallow.
She laughs.
LORI
Really? That's not what I heard about
you.
JOHN
It's not true, I'm a fuckin' classy
broad.
LORI
(LAUGHS AGAIN)
I can see that.
(THEN)
Y'know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella's
a really expensive restaurant. If you
want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow
night. I don't care, as long as we're
together.
JOHN
You kiddin' me? Four years we been going
out, I'm takin' you to the best place in
town. I been crappin' out room for it
for two days, I know exactly what I'm
gonna order.
LORI
(leaning in to kiss him)
You're disgusting.
JOHN
And you get to pick any bottle of wine.
(CONTINUED)
29
CONTINUED:
LORI
Ooh.
JOHN
Any bottle of 2012 wine.
LORI
Oh, are the new wines in?
JOHN
They are in and they. Are. Fresh.
She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I love you.
LORI
I love you, too.
They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate.
She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a
thunder clap from outside.
JOHN
Ah, come on!
LORI
(shaking her head)
I don't understand it, 35 years old, and
you're still scared of a little thunder.
JOHN
I am not.
We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with
no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and
John.
TED
Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
C'mon, let's sing the thunder song!
JOHN/TED
(SINGING)
WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON'T
YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR
THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS:
FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS /
YOU CAN'T GET ME THUNDER, `CAUSE YOU'RE
JUST GOD'S FARTS.
TED
Boomp.
(CONTINUED)
30
CONTINUED:
Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan.
EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY
Lori enters the building.
INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs
that read "PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS." Lori goes to her
desk, looking exhausted. Lori's office friends, GINA,
MICHELLE, and TRACY approach.
GINA
Wow...Baby, I'm not saying this to be
nasty, but you look really tired.
LORI
Oh, I'm okay... except I didn't have time
for breakfast, the garage was full, I
spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a
boyfriend who can't sleep through a storm
without his teddy bear.
GINA
I don't understand why you keep putting
up with him.
TRACY
Yeah, I mean, the guy's thirty-five years
old and he's working for a rental car
service.
LORI
No, it's not that, I don't care about
that. I'd love him even if he was a
janitor. I mean, he's got a huge heart,
we laugh together all the time, and it's
just a bonus that he's like the hottest
guy in Boston.
GINA
Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is
like being the classiest Kardashian.
LORI
I just wish he could get his life
together, you know? Our life. And he
can't, and I swear to god, it's all
because of that bear.
(CONTINUED)
31
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
You should give him an ultimatum: it's
you or the bear.
LORI
I can't do that, he'd be devastated. And
I mean... what if he chose Ted?
MICHELLE
Oh come on, you don't really think that.
LORI
Not really, but what if?
MICHELLE
Well then... things happen for a reason.
TRACY
No they don't. That's just something
girls say when something bad happens to
them that they don't understand.
GINA
Fuck off, Tracy.
INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lori's boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30's, expensive
suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering
of female employees.
REX
Well hello there. Sorry if I'm
interrupting any private girl talk about
Channing Tatum's index finger but Lori I
need to see you in my office.
LORI
Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need
to get to--
REX
Oh, this is work, I swear.
LORI
(SIGH)
Okay, fine.
Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a "help!" look.
MICHELLE
He's such an asshole.
(CONTINUED)
32
CONTINUED:
GINA
Out of control. Such a sleaze.
TRACY
You guys are so pathetic. You're
shitting on Rex, and you both had sex
with him.
Short beat.
GINA/MICHELLE
Like once./I was drunk.
GINA
And so did you.
TRACY
Well, I didn't want one of you whores
getting promoted before me.
INT. REX'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk.
LORI
So... what do you need to talk to me
about, Rex?
Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it
to her.
REX
See that? That's me on the diving team
in high school. We dove the shit outta
that pool that year. If you look close,
you can see the outline of my root.
LORI
(ANNOYED)
You promised this was about work.
REX
Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don't
you like me? I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company--
LORI
I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you
know this.
REX
Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that's
a cute relationship, but I'm talking
about being with a real man, Lori.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
33
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
Someone who wears a blazer on an
airplane.
LORI
(STANDING UP)
I'm very busy.
REX
Well then, how do you have all that time
to be in my head?
LORI
Goodbye, Rex.
Lori exits Rex's office. Rex casually gets up, strolls
over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the
cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells
his hand.
INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET -
NIGHT
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
John and Lori sit across from each other at a
romantically set table. They've just finished their
meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his
plate.
LORI
(SATISFIED SIGH)
That was perfect.
A WAITRESS approaches.
WAITRESS
Would you like me to wrap up your
leftovers?
LORI
Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell,
which has the face and eyes on it.
JOHN
Actually, could you wrap just this up for
me? I wanna scare the shit outta
somebody.
WAITRESS
(BEAT)
Sure.
(CONTINUED)
34
CONTINUED:
The waitress walks away.
LORI
(MILDLY AMUSED)
What are you, five years old?
JOHN
Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level.
Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two
glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries.
WAITER
Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and
champagne.
LORI
Ooh, Cristal.
JOHN
It's a special night. We've been dating
for four years.
(TAKING BOTTLE)
And hey, all those rich black people
can't be wrong, right?
LORI
It doesn't seem like four years, does it?
JOHN
(affectionately taking her
HAND)
No, it doesn't.
LORI
You had no business being out on that
dance floor, but I'm glad you were.
INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of
dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a
girl, and doing it very badly. He's putting too much
into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is
gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the
moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move,
accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force
to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts
to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up,
when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet.
JOHN
Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I'm so
sorry!
(CONTINUED)
35
CONTINUED:
LORI
(a little stunned)
Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
JOHN
Oh Jesus, I'm so so sorry! I didn't see
you! It was an accident!
LORI
Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an
accident.
JOHN
Did you hurt your head?
LORI
Um, yes. My head hurts a lot.
JOHN
Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.
She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out
a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it
against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Sorry. Does it hurt?
LORI
(beat, noticing him for the
FIRST TIME)
N... No. No it's okay.
JOHN
(beat, noticing too)
I'm... I'm John.
LORI
I'm Lori.
They smile at each other...
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
LORI
Okay, here's a question that'll show how
much you actually care about me. You
remember we stayed and talked until the
place closed, and then we went for late
night eggs and waffles, and we stayed
there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the
little TV in the diner. Name the movie.
(CONTINUED)
36
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Octopussy.
LORI
Gold star.
JOHN
But does that show that I care about you,
or I care about Roger Moore?
LORI
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the
doubt.
JOHN
Thank you. And by the way, my dancing
was not that bad.
LORI
(LAUGHING)
Your dancing was bad.
JOHN
I had some cool moves.
LORI
So do people with Parkinson's.
JOHN
That's not how I remember it.
LORI
Yeah, how do you remember it?
INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy
officer's uniform, a la Ted Stryker in "Airplane!" as
"Stayin' Alive" blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI,
who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty.
John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He
struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They
circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off
his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses
it O.S. He then strikes a "finger up" disco pose, with a
bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing
simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around
Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to:
INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
LORI
Whatever you say, baby.
(CONTINUED)
37
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Hey, here's to four more years, huh?
They clink glasses, and take a sip.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Now I know we said no gifts, but--
LORI
No, we didn't.
JOHN
--But, I got you something anyway, in
clear violation of the "no gift" rule.
LORI
There was no such rule.
John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small
box. Lori looks excited.
JOHN
Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for
a long time.
John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up.
LORI
Oh, John.
Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of
nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings.
JOHN
Those are the ones you liked, right?
From that kiosk at the mall?
LORI
Oh. Yeah.
JOHN
Check out the card.
She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it.
It says, "Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you."
JOHN (CONT'D)
See, I even wrote the words with
different colored markers so you wouldn't
get bored while you were reading it.
LORI
(UNENTHUSED)
Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is
for you.
(CONTINUED)
38
CONTINUED:
Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a
very nice watch.
JOHN
(OPENS BOX)
Oh wow, a Hamilton!
He puts it on his wrist.
LORI
I remember you liked it when you saw Tom
Brady wearing one in GQ.
JOHN
Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is
so awesome, I love it!
She reacts a bit to this.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Y'know, Lori...
(INDICATING BOX)
Someday, there's gonna be a ring in
there. But I wanna wait `til I can get
you something really special, y'know? I
just don't have the money right now.
LORI
John, I don't need the Hope diamond, all
I want is--
JOHN
I know, but it's important to me that you
have the engagement ring you deserve.
And what with the credit bubble... the
Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti.
LORI
Look, I'm only saying this because I love
you, but that's not realistic. You're
never gonna have any kind of a career if
you're always partying and wasting time
with Ted.
JOHN
Oh, Jesus, here we go--
LORI
John, please get him to find his own
place, so we can get on with our lives.
JOHN
Look, can we talk about this another
time, and just enjoy our anniversary
dinner?
(CONTINUED)
39
CONTINUED:
LORI
Yeah. Fine. Let's talk about it ten
years from now.
JOHN
(rolling his eyes with a
SIGH)
Lori, we can't talk about this every time
we go out. Look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight. And I was not
a popular child. You have to understand,
I had no friends before he came along.
He's the only reason I ever gained any
fucking confidence. I coulda wound up
like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but
I didn't. `Cause of him. So, y'know,
I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick
him out.
LORI
Well, it's good to know that a talking
teddy bear is the only thing that kept
you from gunning down your classmates,
but John, you're not eight. You're
thirty-five. And unless you're too blind
to notice, he's not your only friend
anymore. You have me. And I love you.
JOHN
I love you, too. You know that.
LORI
Look, I've put the best physical years of
my life into this. I mean, I'm cute now,
but in a few years my body's gonna fall
off a fucking cliff. Things'll be
hanging and stretching in ways that might
scare a man. I need to feel secure in
the fact that you won't leave me when
that happens.
JOHN
Not only will I not leave you, it's gonna
be even better. `Cause I can have sex
with you, and press your arm fat against
a comic book so I can see it backwards.
She laughs. So does he.
LORI
And, my boobs and vagina will all be in
the same place, so that's a lot less
movin' around for you.
(CONTINUED)
40
CONTINUED:
JOHN
I can do it all with one hand.
LORI
Exactly, and you can do whatever you want
with the other hand.
JOHN
I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller.
LORI
We can achieve critical acclaim and
become rich just by screwing each other.
They both laugh hard.
JOHN
Well, I hope these jokes have distracted
you from the actual problems in our
relationship.
LORI
(SIGH)
We can't put the real conversation off
forever, John.
JOHN
I dunno, I got a lotta fuckin' jokes.
EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Their car pulls up. They start to get out.
JOHN
(NOTICING)
Ah shit, hang on, my phone fell under the
seat somewhere. Can you call it?
Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat,
we hear The Imperial March from "The Empire Strikes
Back."
LORI
That's my ringtone?
JOHN
(laughs, embarrassed)
Oh, yeah...
LORI
What is it? It sounds negative.
(CONTINUED)
41
CONTINUED:
JOHN
No, it's from The Notebook.
He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she
goes inside.
JOHN (CONT'D)
(STRAINING)
This is gonna take some doin'.
LORI
All right, well I'll see you upstairs.
He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears
loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door
cautiously and opens it, revealing...
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed
apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on
the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women.
They're watching "Romancing the Stone," which plays very
loudly on the TV.
LORI
What the hell is all this?!
TED
Lori! Hey, you're home early! The
ladies and I were just watching
"Romancing the Stone." Got it on Blu-
Ray. Came in a two-pack with "Jewel of
the Nile," but I don't know that we'll
end up watchin' that one.
LORI
This place is a wreck! Who are these
girls?
TED
Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is
Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and
Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls.
Y'know, somewhere out there are four
terrible fathers I wish I could thank for
this great night.
The girls ad-lib "Hello," "Nice to meet you," etc.
(CONTINUED)
42
CONTINUED:
Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees
something in the corner.
LORI
What is that?!!!
TED
What's what?
LORI
There is... a shit in the corner! On the
floor! There's a shit!
TED
(LOOKING OVER)
Oh man, that's what Dierdre was doin'
over there in the corner for so long.
Remember, she was crouched over there and
I thought she was just makin' a call or
SOMETHIN'--
LORI
There is a shit!! On my floor!!
TED
Yeah, she's passed out in the bathroom
now, she seemed like she was hopped up on
somethin'. I mean, mystery solved, I
GUESS--
LORI
What the fuck!!!!
TED
Lori, if I can-- now this is just
speculation, but... is it possible that
this is not so much about the stool in
the corner, and more about maybe
tonight's dinner not measuring up to your
expectations?
LORI
What!!! The fuck!!!
Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the
lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door.
JOHN (V.O.)
RAAARRRR!!
TED
(POINTING)
Ahaaaaa!
(CONTINUED)
43
CONTINUED:
JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER)
Who lives here? I'm comin' to get
whoever lives here! You owe me lobster
money!
TED
(TO GIRL)
Hahaaa! That's my friend John. Not the
lobster, the guy runnin' it.
At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone.
JOHN
Found my phone.
He stops, seeing everyone there.
JOHN (CONT'D)
What's goin' on?
(then, noticing)
Is that a shit?
INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON
INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME
Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the
massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to
observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John
is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they
stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He
seems much more interested in them than in the fish.
This, we will find out later, is DONNY...
TED
God, there are some fucked up fish out
there.
JOHN
Yeah.
TED
Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough
guy fish.
(tough guy voice:)
"Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion?
Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!"
Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish.
(tight-ass white guy voice:)
"I don't care for some of Conan O'Brien's
humor. I don't like Irish humor. And
this food is too flavorful. I don't care
for flavor in my food."
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
44
CONTINUED:
TED (CONT'D)
(switching to goofy voice as
a bottle-nosed fish swims
BY)
"Oh hey, sorry I'm late, guys. Hey,
where's everybody goin'? Any of you guys
got a tissue? I'm allergic to water."
JOHN
Ted... you gotta move out.
Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.
TED
Wh... what?
JOHN
It's... it's gotta happen.
Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed.
TED
What...what did I do?
John looks heartbroken at this response.
INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER
Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the
penguin habitat.
JOHN
Ted, my relationship is at a very
delicate stage, and, y'know, Lori and I
may just need a little space right now.
Plus a hooker took a shit in our
apartment.
TED
Hey, look, that was a tough night for all
of us.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is
trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background,
we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering
out from behind the bathroom door.
LORI
(BEYOND DISGUSTED)
Oh, god!!
(CONTINUED)
45
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Aaaa, what?!
LORI
It's so gross!!
JOHN
Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about
it! Did you get it?
LORI
No! Oh my god!
JOHN
Tell me when you get it!
LORI
AAAA, I got some on my thumb!
JOHN
AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand
again! I'm serious, learn to cook other-
handed!
LORI
Shit!
JOHN
I'll get the next one, okay?
INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY
TED
She's makin' you do it, isn't she?
JOHN
(giving up the bullshit)
Yes. But, that doesn't mean we can't
hang out. We'll hang out all the time!
TED
What about... thunder buddies for life,
Johnny?
JOHN
I know. Fuck. I just don't know what to
do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm gonna lose her. And I do love her,
Ted.
TED
(SIGH)
I know you do, Johnny.
(CONTINUED)
46
CONTINUED:
JOHN
I'll help you get on your feet out there,
I promise.
TED
And we'll hang out a lot, right?
JOHN
Fuck, all the time.
TED
(arms wide for a hug)
Bring it over here.
John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and
a high-pitched recorded voice saying "I wuv you." John
and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.
TED (CONT'D) JOHN
That was the-- the thing-- The old-- Yeah-- no, I know-
that doesn't mean-- I'm not -
gay.
JOHN
We've got to get you a job.
EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON
EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a
coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable.
TED
I look stupid.
JOHN
No, you don't. You look dapper.
TED
I look like Snuggles' accountant.
They pause as John straightens Ted's tie.
JOHN
Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make
some money so you can pay for an
apartment.
TED
I don't wanna work at a grocery store.
(CONTINUED)
47
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Well, you have no skills.
TED
I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
JOHN
As I said, you would need a law degree
from a law school.
TED
I'm a special case. I'm a fucking
talking bear. They might make an
exception `cause they're all like, "Aaa!
This bear can talk and do stuff! Let's
give him a job and maybe he'll give us a
few laughs," but then they're surprised
at what a stellar performance I'm turnin'
in. And then they practically have to
give me the Anderson case.
JOHN
Look, you get the job, and we'll
celebrate after.
John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed.
TED
And if I don't get the job will we still
smoke that pot?
JOHN
Probably, yes.
TED
(patting John on the leg)
Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach.
INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We
see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at
the desk, staring at Ted.
FRANK
So. You think you got what it takes?
TED
Nope.
FRANK
(a beat, then)
No one's ever talked to me like that
before. You're hired.
(CONTINUED)
48
CONTINUED:
TED
Shit.
EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON
(Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common,
passing various park-goers. The occasional person
notices and points with a "Hey, isn't that..." sort of
look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down.
Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with
her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on
the girl's breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye,
and he and John make their way over to a park bench.
They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a
beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint.
TED
Well, I'm a former celebrity with a
minimum wage job. This must be what the
cast of Different Strokes feels like.
O.S. VOICE
Excuse me.
John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in
his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling
papers on the ground.
ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them
repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the
prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less
creepy man.
DONNY
I'm sorry to bother you, but my son and I
couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat
young Donny from earlier.
JOHN
(a little uncomfortable)
Oh. Um, thank you.
DONNY
I'm Donny. And this is my boy, Robert.
I have to tell you, I've been fascinated
by your story ever since I was a boy. I
remember seeing you on the Carson show.
You were just wonderful.
BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at
the dropped weed.
(CONTINUED)
49
CONTINUED:
TED
Yeah, that was ah... that was a good
time.
DONNY
(TO JOHN)
I wonder, is there any chance I could
purchase the bear from you? For my son?
JOHN/TED
Huh? / Excuse me?
ROBERT
(CALM)
I want it.
TED
Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he."
JOHN
(leaning down to his level)
I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't
for sale. I've had him since I was about
your age. He's very special to me.
ROBERT
Sit up straight when you talk to me.
JOHN
(RECOILING)
Ew, why the fuck did he say that?
DONNY
Don't swear in front of my child. Now.
We are very interested in the bear. If
you'd like to work out some sort of
arrangement, here's my address and phone
number.
He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John
smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet.
JOHN
Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the
really important pocket for really
important stuff.
Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a
glance back at Ted as they move off.
TED
Wow. Can you imagine what that little
shit would do to me?
(CONTINUED)
50
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Oh man, I can totally see him just taking
you down to the basement and really
slowly de-limbing you while singing some
creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
John tugs on one of Ted's arms trying to creep him out.
He then breaks into a creepy falsetto.
JOHN (CONT'D)
OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE
SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN
MY LIFE.
TED
Fuck you. Why do you have to take it so
far? Now it's real. Fuck you again for
that. C'mon, let's go find a better
place to get stoned.
They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame,
slamming right into a fucking tree.
EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two
cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one.
INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME
There's a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes.
John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside
the doorway.
JOHN
Well... I guess this is it, huh?
TED
Yeah, sure is.
JOHN
First night on your own.
TED
Yeah. First night in my beautiful new
apartment. They say they're ain't hardly
been no murders here.
They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John
must leave soon.
JOHN
Okay... so... if you need anything...
(CONTINUED)
51
CONTINUED:
TED
I know.
JOHN
Seriously, anything...
TED
I know. I'll be fine, Johnny.
JOHN
(BEAT)
I know you will, buddy.
They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly
turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to
smile and wave. From John's POV, we see a diminutive-
looking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as
the camera recedes.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches
TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him.
LORI
Hey there.
JOHN
Hey.
LORI
Listen... I just wanna say thank you.
What you did with Ted was a big step, and
I know it wasn't easy, but I just want
you to know that I love you for it. And,
I think this a new beginning for our
relationship.
JOHN
Hey, anything for you. This is all part
of the new grown up, adult John Bennett.
So, get used to him.
She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie.
LORI
Y'know, I don't have to be at work for
another twenty minutes...
JOHN
(guiding her down onto the
COUCH)
Ooh, that's perfect, I'm only gonna need
one.
(CONTINUED)
52
CONTINUED:
She laughs, and they kiss.
LORI
You know what my favorite thing about you
is? After four years, you can still
surprise me. To step up and change such
a big part of your life just to make your
girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you
most guys couldn't do it.
JOHN
Most guys don't have you to motivate `em.
LORI
I'm sorry if I was pushy about it...
JOHN
No, you were right! Look, the reason I
love you so much is the same reason I
guess I take you for granted sometimes.
It's `cause you're... inevitable.
LORI
(huh?)
Inevitable. Well, that's... romantic? I
think?
JOHN
No, what I mean is, there's just no
version of this universe where you and I
don't end up together. You're
inevitable.
LORI
That sounds like something Stephen
Hawking would say to his girlfriend.
JOHN
But do you get what I'm saying?
LORI
Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same
way about you.
They kiss.
LORI (CONT'D)
(smiling coyly, as she
NOTICES)
Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in
your pocket or are you glad to see me?
John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and
shows it to her. She cracks up.
53
EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer.
TED
Thank you, please come again, we have a
lot more groceries.
The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to
ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next
station.
TED (CONT'D)
Hey Ellen?
ELLEN
Yeah?
TED
Who's that over there?
ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries
a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN).
ELLEN
That's the new bag girl. I don't know
her name, but she seems cute.
TED
Yeah. Very cute. You know what I'd like
to do to her? Somethin' I call a Dirty
Fozzie.
Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy
face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He
pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes
widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs
an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl
laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid
sprays all over his face from one side, then from the
other. WIDEN to reveal he's squirting two bottles of
pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs
and shakes her head "no."
TED (CONT'D)
(TO HIMSELF)
Okay, so that's where we'll draw the
line.
EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY
54
INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME
John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on
his iPhone. Tanya approaches.
TANYA
Hey. How you holding up?
JOHN
Oh, I'm all right. Just... getting used
to things, that's all.
TANYA
It's gonna be all right. Y'know, I went
through something like this with my last
boyfriend.
JOHN
Really?
TANYA
Yeah, we were dating for eight months,
and I was really in love with him, and
then he was deported back to Iran. So, I
get it.
JOHN
Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost
our furry little guy.
TANYA
Yeah.
John's phone rings the theme from "Knight Rider." He
sees Ted's name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling open-
mouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a
bra on his head. John picks up.
JOHN
Hey, Ted.
TED (V.O.)
Johnny. What are you doin'? You wanna
come over and catch a buzz?
JOHN
I could probably swing by after work.
TED (V.O.)
Fuck that, I traded off yesterday, so I
got the night shift. C'mon, I'm bored as
crap over here, just swing by for a bit.
(CONTINUED)
55
CONTINUED:
JOHN
I can't just ditch work, man. Look, I'm
trying to get my shit together and be an
adult here, y'know? For Lori's sake.
INT. TED'S BATHROOM - DAY
Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds
in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats
in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from
him and John.
TED
John. Five minutes. And then I'll kick
you out, I promise. C'mon, I picked up
the "Cheers" DVD box set, and supposedly
everybody talks shit about each other in
the interviews.
JOHN
Really?
TED
Yeah, and apparently George Wendt
confesses to a rape.
JOHN
(BEAT)
Sometimes adults get high.
TED
They do, John. Sometimes they do.
JOHN
You'll kick me out in five.
TED (V.O.)
John, I have to kick you out. I am
extraordinarily busy today, I have so
much teddy bear paperwork to get through,
it is retarded. Five minutes and you're
outta here.
John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office.
JOHN
What do I tell Thomas?
TED
Just tell him you don't feel well.
56
INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk.
JOHN
I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried
to break up a dog fight, and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.
THOMAS
Oh my god.
JOHN
Yeah, she's-- that's the way she is, she
sees trouble, she tries to help out, and
I guess one of these dogs clamped his
jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn't let
go until the fireman showed up and had to
stick his finger in his ass.
THOMAS
Jesus, John.
JOHN
Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
THOMAS
Oh my god.
(BEAT)
Up the dog's ass, right?
JOHN
Yeah, that's how they--
THOMAS
That's how they get `em to stop biting,
sure.
JOHN
Yeah.
THOMAS
Go go go, take care of it, let me know
how she is.
JOHN
Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one.
THOMAS
You don't owe me anything, go.
John smiles wanly, and exits.
(CONTINUED)
57
CONTINUED:
THOMAS (CONT'D)
(looking at his own finger)
Jesus.
EXT./ ESTAB. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY
INT. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - SAME
ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being
interviewed.
TED DANSON
Was there cocaine on the set of "Cheers"?
Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to
answer that. Um...are there naked dicks
in gay porn?
(LAUGHS WARMLY)
Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I
mean, it was the eighties. And I was
king. I was king of the eighties. I was
Ted fucking Danson. And not only that, I
was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. Was I
popular? Gee, lemme think: are there
naked dicks in gay porn?
(LAUGHS WARMLY)
Yes, I was quite beloved.
ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong.
JOHN
You know, he's exactly who you want him
to be.
TED
He is. He is. Someone the likes of
which we should all aspire to become.
ANGLE BACK ON TV -
TED DANSON
Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever
seen on a man.
ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted -
TED
(passing him bong)
Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to
step it up, and he gave me this.
JOHN
What is it?
(CONTINUED)
58
CONTINUED:
TED
It's called Kennedy's Head. It's
actually pretty mellow.
JOHN
That doesn't sound very mellow.
TED
No, it's-- it makes you cerebral. Like
Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That's what
it refers to. Decisions under pressure.
Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it
up.
John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around.
JOHN
Y'know, this place looks great.
TED
Yeah, it's all Ikea. Did the whole
apartment for 47 dollars.
JOHN
How are the neighbors?
TED
There's an Asian family next door, but
they don't have a gong or nothin', so
it's fine.
JOHN
That's lucky.
TED
How's work?
JOHN
Sucks.
TED
Ah.
JOHN
You?
TED
It's actualy not bad. Met a girl. She's
a bagger.
JOHN
No way, that's awesome. We should double
date, you, me Lori and, what's her name?
(CONTINUED)
59
CONTINUED:
TED
White trash name. Guess.
JOHN
Uh, Mandy?
TED
Nope.
JOHN
Madison?
TED
Nope.
JOHN
Britney, Tiffany, Candice?
TED
Nope.
JOHN
Don't fuck with me on this. I know this
shit.
TED
I know you do, and I am not fucking with
you.
JOHN
Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna,
Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren,
Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty,
Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey,
Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla,
Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky?
TED
Nope.
JOHN
Okay, was it any one of those names with
a Lynn after it?
TED
Yep.
JOHN
Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn--
(CONTINUED)
60
CONTINUED:
TED
Tami-Lynn.
JOHN
Fuck!
EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
INT. RESTAURANT - SAME
John, Ted, Lori and Ted's dolled-up and sort of trashy
date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat
dinner.
TAMI-LYNN
See, I was all pissed off `cause me and
my friend Danielle were supposed to go
skydiving last year, but then she got
pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we
couldn't go and I was all upset, but then
she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up
getting to go skydiving, and it was so
scary but it was so much fun.
JOHN
Hey, well... it sounds like everything
worked out then.
TAMI-LYNN
I guess god wanted me to go skydiving,
y'know?
LORI
Jesus.
TAMI-LYNN
Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever.
TED
Hey, isn't this great? The four of us
here, having dinner together? Lori,
how've you been? Haven't seen you in
forever.
LORI
Um, I've been good. Not much going on.
My company's 20th anniversary is next
week, that's something.
JOHN
(proud, to Tami-Lynn)
Lori's a senior VP at a big PR firm.
(CONTINUED)
61
CONTINUED:
LORI
It's not that big a deal.
TED
Company's turnin' 20, eh? So you can
bang it but you can't get it drunk.
Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori
isn't quite as delighted.
LORI
(VISIBLY ANNOYED)
I'm surprised John didn't tell you
already. Seems like you guys have seen
each other every day since you moved out.
TED
Well, it's funny, usually the first item
on our agenda is "what's goin' on with
Lori?" So I'm surprised that one slipped
through the cracks.
JOHN
We do, we talk about you all the time.
TED
Right?
JOHN
Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we
were talking about... how... neat all of
Lori's shoes are?
TED
That was a lengthy conversation.
JOHN
And we were saying like, a lot of women
look like unsteady horses when they wear
high heels, but Lori has a sort of...
regal... trot.
TED
A canter.
JOHN
Oh my god yes. You canter.
Lori stares at him for a beat, then:
LORI
So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us
about yourself. I'm always... fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.
(CONTINUED)
62
CONTINUED:
TAMI-LYNN
What do you mean girlfriends?
(TO TED)
Is there like a lot of `em or somethin'?
TED
No, no, that's not what she's sayin' at
all, right Lori?
LORI
No, right, I was-- all I was doing was
asking. Ted's very... attractive, I'm
just always interested in the... type of
girl that can snatch him up.
TAMI-LYNN
Did you just call me a whore?
LORI
What? No, I--
TAMI-LYNN
You just worry about your own snatch, how
`bout that, honey?
TED/JOHN
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell
happened? We're havin' a friendly meal
here!
TAMI-LYNN
Don't talk shit to me!
LORI
I was just asking a question.
TAMI-LYNN
You're a friggin' snob! You think you're
all cool cause you work at some fancy
shit place!
TED
It's okay, Tami.
(TO LORI)
Nice, Lori. Real nice.
LORI
What?! It's not my fault she can't speak
English.
TAMI-LYNN
Fuck you! Just `cause you're all in the
business world and shit, you think
everyone's supposed to like, suck your
asshole!
(CONTINUED)
63
CONTINUED:
TED
Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let's get outta
here. We'll go back to my place for a
couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay?
See ya, John.
Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the
table.
LORI
What a cunt.
JOHN
(covering ears in pain)
Ooh! I hate that word.
LORI
Huh?
JOHN
That word is so sharp. It's like an
electric sword, slashing everything in
its path.
LORI
Well, you didn't exactly stick up for me.
JOHN
I... I'm trying to walk a line here, I
want to be fair to you and to him,
y'know?
LORI
Yeah, well, I think you're being a little
more fair to him.
JOHN
(SCOFFING)
Come on.
LORI
Y'know, your boss called this morning and
asked me how my arm was.
JOHN
(CAUGHT)
Oh?
LORI
Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried
to break up.
JOHN
Ohh...
(CONTINUED)
64
CONTINUED:
LORI
If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that
was some bullshit lie you made up so you
could take off work and go to Ted's. Am
I right?
JOHN
(BEAT)
I... I made you out to be a hero.
LORI
John, Ted moved out so we could give
ourselves a chance without him. You're
not really giving anything a chance if
you're blowing off work to get high with
your teddy bear.
JOHN
It won't happen again, I promise.
LORI
(with a bit of anger)
Yes. It will.
A beat. She sighs.
LORI (CONT'D)
I wanna break up.
JOHN
(THROWN)
W... What?
LORI
I'm just... I'm done. This isn't gonna
work. We're in two different places.
JOHN
Lori, look, I know--
LORI
You promised me you were gonna grow up
and take our life together seriously.
JOHN
Hey, Ted moved out, didn't he? I did
that for you-- for us! And it wasn't
easy.
LORI
Jesus, he might as well still be living
with us, John. You spend more time with
him than you do with me.
(CONTINUED)
65
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Okay, look. I've been getting stoned too
much. I know that. I've been bumming
around with Ted too much, I know that,
too. Give me one more chance, I promise
I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much,
please give me one more chance.
LORI
(BEAT)
I need a man, John. Not a boy with a
teddy bear.
JOHN
I know. Done. Man, right here in front
of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs.
Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man
hair. I just farted. Man fart.
Lori can't help but let a small laugh escape. She
softens a bit...
LORI
John... this really is your last chance.
I can't do this anymore.
JOHN
You won't have to. Trust me. I love
you.
He kisses her.
LORI
(BEAT)
Okay.
JOHN
Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You
won't be sorry, I swear.
She smiles at him, then:
LORI
Did you really just fart?
JOHN
Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my
hand.
LORI
Oh. Wonder where it'll hit first.
WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing
happens.
(CONTINUED)
66
CONTINUED:
Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a
couple other men and women) screams into his napkin,
followed by his dining companions.
GUY AT TABLE
(FURIOUS)
Who did this to us?!
GUY #2 AT TABLE
(FURIOUS)
God dammit! I'm here on business!
EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
Ted's boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a
clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to
confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at
Ellen's register.
FRANK
What the hell?
He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and
notices him.
GUY IN LINE
Hey, dude, you think you could open more
than one register? There's like a
thousand people here!
FRANK
There's supposed to be three registers
open, for god's sake!
He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms
off toward the back. He looks around the butcher's
counter and produce area, then walk into the back
storeroom.
INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE
ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost
naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging
her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away,
with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock
and horror.
67
INT. FRANK'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted.
FRANK
You had sexual intercourse with a
coworker in a storeroom filled with
produce that we sell to the public.
TED
Yes.
FRANK
(BEAT)
That took guts. We need guts. I'm
promoting you.
TED
Oh.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT
We see the "CLOSED" sign on the door. Ted exits,
finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the
dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook
shot into a trash can. He takes the shot:
TED
Kareem!
The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters.
TED (CONT'D)
You suck, Kareem.
We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and
looks around. There appears to be no one in the
darkness.
TED (CONT'D)
Hello?
No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds
nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who
stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb.
DONNY
Hello, Ted.
TED
Gah! Uh... hi there.
DONNY
Are you all alone out here?
(CONTINUED)
68
CONTINUED:
TED
Uh... no. No I'm not. I'm... you know,
you're never alone when you're with
Christ.
DONNY
You know, Robert and I could give you a
very, very good home.
TED
I'm... I'm pretty happy where I am. I
just got a shitty new apartment--
DONNY
I can offer you six thousand dollars in
railroad bonds. They were left to me by
my father.
TED
Well, gosh, you know, since I just
returned from active duty in the Civil
War, that sounds really appealing. Oh
wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty
years ago, and I don't give a shit.
Tami-Lynn approaches.
TAMI-LYNN
Teddy, come on-- we're gonna have pop
tarts and cigarettes with my mom before
she goes to work.
TED
Yeah, I'm comin', sweetheart.
(TO DONNY)
Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I'm
gonna have to decline.
DONNY
I really wish you wouldn't...
TED
Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I'd
like to thank you for creepin' up my
night, and... Jesus be with you. In
Christ.
Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily
determined.
69
EXT./ ESTAB. REX'S HOUSE - NIGHT
John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house
in Cambridge. It's a very impressive estate with no
expense spared.
LORI
(smiling at him warmly)
I'm glad you're here.
JOHN
Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your
boss' ass? That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?
LORI
Play nice. Please.
Rex throws open the door.
REX
There she is! I was worried you weren't
coming!
(TO JOHN)
Hi kiddo, how ya doin'? Where's your
bunny rabbit?
JOHN
He's a bear.
REX
(ushering them in)
Got it. "Hey, this house is fucking
huge!" I know guys, try not to get lost.
INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed
servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors
d'ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays
and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and
hundreds of guests. A large banner reads "Happy 20th
Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations."
REX
Oh, here come the ladies.
Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs
their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a
tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass.
(CONTINUED)
70
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
Say listen, why don't John and I give you
gals a chance to talk tampax while we go
grab a drink at the bar, huh?
LORI
Sure.
INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS
Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second
floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought
at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not
like this guy, and definitely does not trust him.
REX
...and that's a Wade Boggs autographed
bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for
that at auction.
JOHN
Wow, cool.
REX
Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were
worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
(passing an abstract
PAINTING)
This is art. Do you get it?
(passing wall mounted pair of
GLASSES) )
These were John Lennon's glasses. Worth
about two million dollars.
(passing photo on wall) )
That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and
check this out.
Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand.
REX (CONT'D)
See that? Know what that is?
JOHN
(TOUCHING IT)
No.
REX
That's Lance Armstrong's nut.
John quickly pulls his hand away.
REX (CONT'D)
Something, isn't it? Had it freeze-dried
and bronzed.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
71
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
Every now and then, when I feel like my
life's gettin' me down and things are
tough, I just come in here and look at
it, and it reminds me that things aren't
so bad. That some people have it worse
than me. I mean, he's only got one ball,
and I have three. One of them, of
course, being his.
JOHN
That's inspiring. You've led a rich
life.
REX
I've fucked the shit outta life.
(THEN)
So talk to me, Goose. How are things
with you and Lori?
JOHN
Things are great, actually.
REX
That's good, that's good.
JOHN
You know... Lori would hate me for saying
this, but... she's told me how you are at
the office, and... as one gentleman to
another, I just wanna say I really hope
you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
REX
Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta
just clear the air here a little. I...
just want you to know that... I mean,
yeah, I'm kind of a "fun-time boss" and
whatnot, but... look man, I do that with
everybody at the office! I'm just a
kook! I have no designs on your
girlfriend. We work together, and that's
it. I think you're a great guy and she's
very lucky.
John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear
this.
JOHN
Well... that's good to hear.
REX
Well, that's how it is, so...there we go.
JOHN
Okay.
(CONTINUED)
72
CONTINUED:
REX
Yeah.
They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong's
nut. John's phone rings the "Knight Rider" theme. John
answers it.
JOHN
Hey, Ted.
INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in
the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the
background, we see a party in full swing.
TED (V.O.)
Johnny! You gotta get over here, man!
JOHN
Why? What's going on?
TED (V.O.)
I'm havin' a little impromptu thing with
some people, and John... Sam Jones is
here.
JOHN
What?!
TED (V.O.)
Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon. Is
here.
JOHN
Holy shit! How?
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
TED
Remember I said, my buddy's cousin is
friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in
town with his cousin and who's with `em?
Sam Jones!!
INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
TED (V.O.)
Sam Jones is here, and John...
(softly, into phone)
...his hair is parted down the middle.
JOHN
(EQUALLY SOFTLY)
Just like in the movie.
(CONTINUED)
73
CONTINUED:
TED
Get over here.
JOHN
Fuck! I can't... I'm with Lori. I'm
already on probation here.
John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees
Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.
JOHN (CONT'D)
(AGONIZED)
I just... I can't.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
TED
John. There are moments in a man's life:
Nathan Hale, "I regret that I have but
one life to give for my country." Alan
Hale, "Yes, I accept the role of the
Skipper on `Gilligan's Island.'"
INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
TED (V.O.)
John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For
god's sake, come share this with me.
JOHN
(beat, then:)
I'm coming.
John hangs up.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Rex. I gotta go. I'll be back in thirty
minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out.
She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
If you can cover for me... we're cool on
all that other stuff.
REX
I got your back, my friend. Been there.
She'll never know.
JOHN
This is one man to another. I don't
really know you, but I'm trusting you.
As a man. This is serious. Can I trust
you?
(CONTINUED)
74
CONTINUED:
REX
Dude. One man to another. I got you on
this.
JOHN
(RELAXING SOMEWHAT)
Okay. Thank you.
John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his
mouth.
REX
(SMILING)
I'm gonna make traditional to your
girlfriend. And then fuck her in the
ass. All right. We have a game plan.
EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
The "Football Fight" music from "Flash Gordon" starts
playing, as John bolts O.S.
EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway.
He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides
across the hood of Lori's car, gets in, quickly starts
the car, and backs out.
EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT
CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on
his way to Ted's. Finally, he pulls up to Ted's
apartment.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it
can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix
and Tanya, John's co-workers from Liberty. There are
also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot
chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer.
TED
Johnny! Thank Christ you made it!
JOHN
(QUICKLY)
I got ten minutes, where's Flash Gordon?
(CONTINUED)
75
CONTINUED:
TED
Okay, get ready, man.
(to someone O.S.)
Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin'
you about!
John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.
The shot slows down into slo-mo as John's eyes widen, and
he sees...
OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in
slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting
the same hairstyle he had in the "Flash Gordon" movie.
We hear the theme from "Flash Gordon." We INTERCUT back
and forth from him to John:
ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe.
ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the
camera, in John's POV.
ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John's
POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.
ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY
Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie.
John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around
Sam's chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle.
John has a huge, elated smile on his face.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE
ON John - He still stares in awe.
ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a
handshake.
BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by
his side.
TED
John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my
best friend in the whole world, John.
SAM
Hi there. Good to meet you.
(CONTINUED)
76
CONTINUED:
JOHN
(in absolute fucking awe)
I... thank you for saving every one of
us.
SAM
You're welcome. Hey, let's do some
shots, huh?
JOHN
With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes.
Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort.
SAM
(raising his glass)
Death to Ming!
John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight.
Everyone then does their shots.
SAM (CONT'D)
Hey, you guys seem pretty cool.
(SIGNIFICANTLY)
You like to party?
John and Ted don't answer for a beat. They look at each
other nervously. It's clear neither one has any
experience with this sort of thing.
SAM (CONT'D)
Aw, come on dudes. Don't tell me you've
never done it before.
JOHN
(a little scared)
Not... recently, no.
SAM
You fellas better come with me.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John's eyes
are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of
powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And
Sam is just playing it cool.
TED
Wow.
SAM
Let's party like the `80's huh?
(CONTINUED)
77
CONTINUED:
TED
(REVERENTIAL)
Show us how, Flash.
SAM
It's easy. We just gotta bang a lotta
girls named Stephanie.
JOHN
Holy shit.
(looking around intensely)
All these people need to be talked to.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across
the table.
TED
Look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get
serious about openin' a restaurant we
gotta start plannin' it now.
JOHN
Italian.
TED
Italian, yes.
JOHN
What's the special on Tuesdays?
TED
Eggplant parm.
JOHN
Chopped salad half price.
TED
And it's a non-restricted place.
JOHN
Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean?
TED
Anybody can come.
JOHN
Of course.
TED
Mormons are welcome.
(CONTINUED)
78
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Well yeah--why wouldn't they be?
TED
Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
JOHN
But why even bring that up--
TED
You don't bring it up. You just let `em
in.
JOHN
Yeah, but why mention it?
TED
No one will.
JOHN
So why are we talking about it?
TED
You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin'
let `em in.
JOHN
Yes, let `em in.
TED
Exactly.
JOHN
Right.
TED
Good.
JOHN
Okay.
TED
No Catholics, though.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SAME
Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on
the couch. He holds a knife.
TED
No see, I can do this.
GUY #1
Shut up.
(CONTINUED)
79
CONTINUED:
TED
My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman
reflexes.
GUY #2
Let him try it, man.
GUY #1
Fuck it, all right.
Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted
starts doing the knife trick from "Aliens". He gets it
right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through
the hand. The guy screams in pain.
TED
Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I'm
on drugs!
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head,
doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers
(Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically.
JOHN
(AS TED)
Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea--
let's go get drunk and puke on cars from
the overpass!
TED
Oh god, that was a fun day.
JOHN
(AS TED)
Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I
just tried this DMT all the kids are
talkin' about, and I'm in trouble! I
think I got sucked inside my chair!
TED
I do not sound that much like Peter
Griffin.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on
a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle
and the mouth, and above them the ears.
(CONTINUED)
80
CONTINUED:
TED
See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes
look like a pair of tits.
TAMI-LYNN
Okay, you were right.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of "I
Only Want to be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
TED
Okay, Johnny, c'mon up here and do this
with me!
JOHN
No no.
TED
Come on!
JOHN
No, I don't sing in front of people!
TED
YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT
WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I
LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU'RE
CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M SUCH A BABY
`CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE'S
NOTHING I CAN DO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A
GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU'VE GOT
NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I'LL ONLY POUT AT
YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON'T DANCE.
YOU WON'T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE
WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I
ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM - LATER
Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall.
TED
See there's this one part of the wall
that's really soft, you could punch
through it wicked easy.
Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes
right through.
(CONTINUED)
81
CONTINUED:
SAM/TED/JOHN
Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc.
Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame
through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then,
ASIAN MAN
What the hell you problem!! You break my
wall! You break my wall I break you
wall!
The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted,
and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as
they frantically try to get the knife.
JOHN
AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut
his arm off!!
Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
There's an angry pounding on the door. One of the party
guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in
Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a
live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out
into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them,
screaming first in Cantonese, then:
ASIAN MAN
You break my wall! This my home long
time! You break my wall! You bastard
men!
JOHN/TED
Dude, we're sorry! We're sorry!
ASIAN MAN
You bastard men! I try to make duck
dinner, now plaster everywhere!
TED
Chill out okay? We'll pay for it! Let's
talk this out okay? What's your name?
I'm John!
ASIAN MAN
(CAUTIOUSLY)
My name Wan Ming.
FLASH
(NARROWING EYES)
Ming!
(CONTINUED)
82
CONTINUED:
SAM'S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the
Merciless.
ASIAN MAN
You pay many dollar for wall! This
bullshit! This all bullshit!
SAM
DEATH TO MING!!!
Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both
tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it
over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the
floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams.
ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor.
John struggles to pull him off.
JOHN
Sam, no! Get off him!
ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the
duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS
FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the
other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward,
falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it
in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other.
ASIAN MAN
You crazy! You crazy man!
The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a
few times with its wings.
TED
AAA! AAAA! OW!!
The Asian man calls to the duck from the door.
ASIAN MAN
Come on, James Franco!
The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to
the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms.
ASIAN MAN (CONT'D)
(to John and Sam)
You pay for wall!
He exits, slamming the door.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with
another man.
(CONTINUED)
83
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Guy?
GUY
Hey. What's goin' on. This is Jared.
He's the guy who beat me up. We're in
love.
JOHN
What??
GUY
Yeah. Turns out I'm gay or whatever.
Had no idea. C'mon Jared, let's get a
drink.
He and Jared walk off.
ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out
and drained. Sam Jones approaches.
SAM
How you doin' there, ace? You comin'
down?
JOHN
Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel good.
SAM
Give it a couple hours, you'll be golden,
Pony Boy. Want a Xanax?
John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked
realization.
JOHN
Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god!
SAM
What?
JOHN
I gotta-- I gotta go! Shit!
John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door.
INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS
John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs
partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees
Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They
stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt,
angry, and betrayed as a woman can be.
(CONTINUED)
84
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Lori... I...
He throws up all over the floor.
EXT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs
out after her.
JOHN
Lori! Lori wait!
She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John
catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him
off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry! I messed up! I--
LORI
I want you out of the apartment...
tonight. Gimme my car keys.
JOHN
Can I please just explain--
LORI
No.
JOHN
I was gonna--
LORI
I have given up a big chunk of my life
for you.
JOHN
I was gonna stop in for like five
minutes, and then Flash Gordon--
LORI
Just give me my keys, John!
He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks
toward her car.
JOHN
Lori... please. I love you.
She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.
Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door.
(CONTINUED)
85
CONTINUED:
TED
Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn's
gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.
JOHN
Fuck you! I don't want to talk to you!
TED
What?
JOHN
Do you know what just happened? Do you
have any clue? My life just ended.
TED
Oh come on, she'll go home, watch Bridget
Jones' Somethin' Asshole, cry a little
bit, she'll be fine, you'll talk to her
tomorrow.
JOHN
(EXPLODING)
Are you even listening to me?! Do you
give any shred of a shit?!
Ted pauses, realizing John is serious.
TED
Well... `course I do, Johnny. Thunder
buddies for life.
JOHN
Jesus, Lori was right. I should have
stopped hanging out with you a long time
ago. I'm never gonna have a life with you
around. I'm 35 years old and I'm going
nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy fucking bear. And
because of that, I just lost the love of
my life.
TED
Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
JOHN
I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I
can't see you anymore.
John turns and walks away.
TED
Johnny, wait! Hey, listen!
(CONTINUED)
86
CONTINUED:
Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox
squeak out the words "I wuv you." John does not turn
around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head
sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD
EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside.
INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips
through the channels, seeing various clips of shows.
Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet,
and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT
John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball
stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and
"looks the other way" as he taps it in with his foot.
She smiles warmly at him.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET
John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to
the ducks. They're both leaning over the side with their
hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of
hers. They look at each other, and share a slow,
romantic kiss.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face
wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget
Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is
looking at the screen, but is really looking inward...
DISSOLVE TO:
87
EXT. BEACH - DUSK
ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and
Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses
her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something
O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab.
He dangles it in Lori's face. She freaks out, and runs
into the water. They both laugh.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to
reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of
candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen
wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a
candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her
mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down,
and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her
head.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
SLOW PAN ACROSS TED'S APARTMENT - The party is now over.
Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO
TED'S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping
through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at
a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE
PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the
snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a
soapbox car that they have built and painted.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the
soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet.
John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the
hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering
the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the
ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs
off with him. John sprints after the dog.
DISSOLVE TO:
88
INT. JOHN'S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT
ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
5th season!" ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching
TV, laughing hysterically.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
The marquee out front reads "Star Wars: The Phantom
Menace." We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually
getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as
Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly
wait in line.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY
INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME
John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his
mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it
off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a "hang
on, check this out" gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the
stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted
is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and
looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up
to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring
the shit out of them. They run away, crying and
traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
John and Lori paint the walls of their then new
apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on
each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other
side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He
shakes his head in a "whatever" fashion, and walks toward
the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe
of paint going down his back.
EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATER
Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and
a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and
goes to light it.
(CONTINUED)
89
CONTINUED:
He then notices something out of the corner of his eye.
He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the
cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk
shuffles through frame after him.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
20th season!" ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching
TV, expressionless and bored-looking.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT./ ESTAB. LORI'S OFFICE - DAY
INT. REX'S OFFICE - SAME
Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window.
REX
So, word through the grapevine is you are
newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah
Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I
would love it if you'd go with me.
LORI
You're asking me out the day after I
broke up with someone.
REX
Look, I'm gonna cut the shit here.
LORI
Okay.
REX
This is the first time you've been single
in all the years you've worked here.
Just go out with me one time. And if
you're miserable and you hate it, I
promise I will never even hint at the
subject again. Please.
LORI
Rex, I don't think it's smart.
REX
Look, I'm an asshole. I know that. It
worked for me in high school, and it's
been like a reflex ever since.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
90
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
(sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is
you have a fun, casual date with a guy
who only wants a chance to prove to you
that he can be something more than a
jerk. Besides, you're a huge catch and
it's about time somebody treated you that
way.
LORI
Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to
sleep every night.
REX
Great. Pick you up at seven?
EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
It's raining outside.
INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME
John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic
book. There's a knock at the door.
JOHN
Who is it?
TED
Johnny, it's me.
JOHN
Go away.
TED
Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna
talk.
John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window
slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing
on the floor, soaked.
JOHN
JESUS--
Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John
flinches back, trying not to get wet.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ!
(CONTINUED)
91
CONTINUED:
TED
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're
pissed, but just listen to me for five
seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with
Rex.
JOHN
What?
TED
I'm serious, John, I went over to your
house to talk to Lori to try and take
some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex
picking her up. They were going to the
Hatch Shell.
JOHN
You're un-fucking-believable, you know
that? How stupid do you think I am?
First of all, Lori would never go out
with Rex, and second of all, if you think
that by making shit like that up you're
gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty
to you over her--
TED
Johnny, it's the truth. I'm tellin' ya--
JOHN
Get outta here.
TED
(BEAT)
You know, you're actin' like a cock, you
know that?
JOHN
What? I'm acting like a cock?
TED
Yes. You are actin' like a giant, V-
shaped-funny-lookin'-guy-in-a-porno cock.
JOHN
Huh?
TED
`Member that porno we saw with the guy
with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What
I'm sayin' is that you're blamin' me for
somethin' you did to yourself.
John glares at him.
(CONTINUED)
92
CONTINUED:
TED (CONT'D)
Lori was right about you. You can't take
responsibility for anything that goes on
in your life.
JOHN
Oh, and you can?
TED
I don't have to, I'm a fuckin' teddy
bear! Y'know somethin', I didn't tie you
up and drag you to that party. I wanted
you to come because you're supposedly my
best friend.
JOHN
Oh, yeah? Is that why you've manipulated
me for years to stay eternally eight
years old at the expense of the rest of
my life?
TED
Whoa whoa, it's not my fault you didn't
care enough about your relationship.
JOHN
You can't stand there and tell me you
haven't always seen Lori as a threat to
our friendship! It works out so much
better for you when you and I are getting
fucked up on the couch at 9 am, doesn't
it?
TED
Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I,
Emperor Ming here, controllin' your mind?
That's your choice, John! And you know,
by blamin' me, you just make yourself
look like a pussy.
JOHN
(BEAT)
You know... sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning when I was eight
years old... and I wish I'd just gotten a
Teddy Ruxpin.
TED
(BEAT)
Say that one more time.
JOHN
Teddy... Rux-fucking-pin.
(CONTINUED)
93
CONTINUED:
Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him,
wrapping his whole body around John's face and head, like
the facehuggers from "Aliens." John stumbles around the
room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles
into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door,
shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face.
John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted
flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted
hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John
stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed,
reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible.
John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be
pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him.
JOHN (CONT'D)
AAAAAA!!! Fucking Jesus fucking Christ!
god fucking dammit!!!
Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and
the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat,
each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor).
John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling
him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the
process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in
a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a
number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back
onto the bed. Ted taunts him.
TED
C'mon, motherfucker!
John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted
dodges, and John's fist goes into the wall above the
headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about
with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again,
and scrambles up John's head, jumping up and grabbing the
chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted
to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles
backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing
lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall,
and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out
of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord
catches on the fan's motor. The lamp is ripped from
John's grasp, it swings around through the air, and
cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down,
whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the
bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach,
clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He
jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the
clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor,
yanks John's pants partway down, and starts whipping his
bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks
blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face,
and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on.
(CONTINUED)
94
CONTINUED:
The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a
crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV
on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily.
Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over
to him. Both breathe heavily. John's breathing
deteriorates into sobs.
TED (CONT'D)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Why...why are you crying?
JOHN
My dick is in the TV.
John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and
up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies
down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself.
TED
I'm so sorry, Johnny. I'm so sorry.
JOHN
So am I, man.
TED
I love you.
JOHN
I love you, too.
John hugs Ted, who hugs him back.
TED
Listen... you gotta let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.
JOHN
There is no putting things right. She
hates me.
TED
No, John, we can get her back. Look,
remember when you were ten, and you hit
that squirrel with your BB gun, and then
when we saw it fall from the tree we both
starting crying? Remember? And then we
ran up to it and tried to give it CPR?
And it came back to life? John, we could
do that again.
JOHN
Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR. It
died.
(CONTINUED)
95
CONTINUED:
TED
(LONG BEAT)
We can get Lori back.
EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT
A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert.
They cheer as she sings "Come Away With Me," backed by a
large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer
in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to
be having a fantastic time.
REX
God, she's so brave. YOUR MUSIC IS SO
FUCKING BRAVE!!
Norah finishes the song.
NORAH
Thanks so much! We're gonna take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few!
The crowd cheers.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER
ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES.
We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and
pours a drink.
TED (O.S.)
Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut!
NORAH
(turning, recognizing)
Teddy!! How you doin', you fuzzy little
asshole?
She hugs him.
TED
Well, I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who
sold 37 million records, but I'm hangin'
in there.
NORAH
Well, half-Indian, but thanks.
TED
Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want
you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey
Johnny, come on in!
(CONTINUED)
96
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little
nervous.
TED (CONT'D)
Norah, this is my friend John.
JOHN
(SELF-CONSCIOUSLY EXTENDS
HAND)
Hi. Hi, Norah Jones.
NORAH
(shaking his hand)
Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You
ready to bring down the house?
JOHN
Yes ma'am. Thank you for the
opportunity, Ms.-- Ma'am Jones.
TED
Jesus, you look fantastic.
NORAH
Well, you're probably not used to seeing
me fully clothed.
TED
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at
Belinda Carlisle's house and we had
awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
NORAH
Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy
with no penis.
TED
I have written so many letters to Hasbro
about that.
EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER
The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the
piano.
NORAH
Okay, I'm gonna give my chops a rest here
and invite a friend of mine up to the
stage. He's gonna sing a song to a very
special lady in the audience who he loves
very much. Let's give a big hand to John
Bennett!
(CONTINUED)
97
CONTINUED:
The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage.
ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked.
LORI
Oh my god.
John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori.
JOHN
Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins.
Because I love her. This song always
reminds me of the most important night of
my life. The night we met. It's the
theme song from the movie "Octopussy."
The band begins playing. "All Time High". Inexplicably,
Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on.
JOHN (CONT'D)
ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR
AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO
THE THINGS WE'VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT
ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON'T
LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE'RE TWO OF A
KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE
ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we
see that Lori is softening. It's working...
JOHN (CONT'D)
WE'RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE'LL CHANGE ALL
THAT'S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE /
THAN FALLING IN LOVE
REX
(fake voice, covering his
mouth and looking away)
You suck, get off the stage!
(then, for Lori's benefit)
Hey, come on guys!
The crowd starts to take the cue.
CROWD
Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! /
We wanna hear Norah! / Come on!
ANGLE ON Ted in the wings.
TED
Ah, god.
JOHN
SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT
BEGIN...
(CONTINUED)
98
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage,
racing toward John.
CRAZY GUY
You're an asshole!
John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at
the last second, so the base is sticking out
horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing
himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and
bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops.
NORAH
Jesus.
A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy.
STAGEHAND
Someone call an ambulance!
The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is
only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori
and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the
frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert
security personnel haul him offstage.
EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Rex escorts Lori to his car.
REX
That was insane. Did you see the way
that guy's body hit the ground? It was
like a rag doll!
LORI
Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.
REX
You want to go get a drink after this? I
feel like I could use one after seeing a
guy almost die.
LORI
Nope, I think I'd rather you just take me
home.
REX
One drink, come on.
LORI
Nope, not really feeling up to it.
(CONTINUED)
99
CONTINUED:
REX
Alright, alright, I get it. I don't
blame you. When you think about it, it
was actually really unfair of him to
embarrass you like that.
LORI
Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed.
Listen, John and I may have our problems
but at least he tried. You know what? I
don't feel like talking to you about
this.
She walks away.
REX
Where you going?
LORI
Taking a cab. I'm going home.
As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and
releases a fart.
REX
Finally.
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME
Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off,
still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex.
After a few moments, there's a knock at the door. Lori
sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her
towel. She looks through the peephole, but there's no
one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out
into the hall. There's no one there.
TED (O.S.)
Down here, I swear to god I'm not lookin'
up your towel.
She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there.
He's blocking his view with one hand.
TED (CONT'D)
Not lookin' up your towel. Not lookin'
at your funny business.
(CONTINUED)
100
CONTINUED:
LORI
(pulling towel closer to her)
Ted? What're you doing here? What do
you want?
TED
I need to talk to you.
LORI
Look, if you're here to fight John's
battle for hi--
TED
Lori, do me a favor and let me talk
first, and then you can say whatever you
want.
There's a beat. She reluctantly considers.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted.
TED
Look, John loves you very much. More
than anything in the world. And he's
fallin' to fuckin' pieces without you.
He knows he screwed up big time, but you
gotta believe me that is wasn't all his
fault. If you'll just give him one more
chance to be with you--
She rolls her eyes.
TED (CONT'D)
Listen to me! If you'll just give him
one more chance... I promise I will leave
and never come back. He'll be all yours.
Just give him one more chance.
LORI
Ted... that's a very nice offer, but I
don't want you to do that. This is about
John and me and our problems. And I
don't think it can be fixed.
TED
Because of me! Look, you want him to be
a man. And I'm the one who's keepin'
that from happening. As long as he's got
his teddy bear, he's still a boy. And I
care about him as much as you do. But
I'm willing to give up the boy so you can
have the man.
(CONTINUED)
101
CONTINUED:
We can see Lori starting to soften a bit.
TED (CONT'D)
Look, I'm givin' this the best shot I got
here, Lori. I'm beggin' you. I'm no
good at this emotional crap, but I gotta
help my best friend. Please. Just talk
to him.
LORI
(SIGH)
I'll talk to him.
TED
Thank you. He's waitin' for me down at
Charley's. So... maybe you could,
y'know... go down instead of me?
LORI
What... now?
TED
Please. You'll regret it for the rest of
your life if you don't.
LORI
Alright, alright, I'll go.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the
door. Ted is on the couch watching TV.
TED
(flipping on TV)
Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the
Sox?
The door shuts and she's gone. Ted gets up and walks
into the kitchen. He opens the fridge.
TED (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge.
Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water
filter.
He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of
beer bottles.
TED (CONT'D)
Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.
My god, America is imploding.
(CONTINUED)
102
CONTINUED:
He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into
the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and
watches the game. After a moment, there's a knock at the
door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up.
TED (CONT'D)
Forget your keys?
He walks to the door, and opens it up.
TED (CONT'D)
You know, your beer suck--
He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy
man from earlier, with his son Robert.
DONNY
Hi, Ted.
TED
Fuck.
Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him.
EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY'S - LATER DAY
Lori's car pulls up, and she gets out.
INT. CHARLEY'S - CONTINUOUS
Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks
up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs
and walks over to him.
JOHN
Lori! What-- what are you doing here?
LORI
You can thank Ted.
A beat. John smiles slightly.
LORI (CONT'D)
How are you?
JOHN
Good, good. I've, uh... made myself a
nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up
the street. I'd show you around, but
it's kinda classy. They require an
undershirt and at least one visible cold
sore for all customers.
(CONTINUED)
103
CONTINUED:
LORI
(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)
Well. Shall I sit?
JOHN
Uh, yeah.
She does. There's a beat. A busboy brings them each a
water.
JOHN (CONT'D)
So, work's good? Everything good there?
LORI
Yeah. Work's fine.
JOHN
How's Rex?
LORI
There is no Rex.
JOHN
Oh. Good.
(BEAT)
Well... I guess we can't make small talk
all day, so I'll say what I wanna say. I
could sit here and tell you I'm sorry, it
was a huge misunderstanding, and I'm
ready to change. But I don't think you
wanna hear any of that crap. I'm not
gonna try and get you to take me back.
Why would you? I've been a really shitty
boyfriend for the last four years. I
don't deserve you. I didn't take our
relationship seriously, even though I
love you more than life itself. All I
want is... just to end on good terms.
Because I owe that to you. I want you to
be happy... and for us to be friends.
LORI
(a little taken aback)
Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that.
JOHN
Well. That's pretty much it.
He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying
the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits
there for a beat.
104
EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
Donny's car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily
shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in
"Silence of the Lambs"). It's close to one end of the
base of a bridge.
INT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps
Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It's just as
shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls,
there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings,
photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted's media
heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in
public that Donny clearly took himself.
TED
Whoa...
DONNY
Yes, as you can see, you've been part of
our family for quite some time. Welcome
home.
TED
Heh, you know what's hilarious, I got
tons of pictures of you guys at my house.
ROBERT
Daddy, is he all mine?
DONNY
He's all yours, my little winner.
You've arrived at a lucky time, Ted.
It's almost Robert's play hour.
TED
I'm guessin' you guys don't have a PS3.
I'm guessin' you're more of a wooden
horse with a wig kinda family.
INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Ted is led into Robert's room. It's a fairly sparse room
with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with
a wig stands in the corner.
TED
Huh. Wig horse.
Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny
stands in the doorway.
(CONTINUED)
105
CONTINUED:
DONNY
Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert
now. So you will do as he says.
TED
Y'know, you think you're just gonna get
away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin'
example you're settin' for your kid.
DONNY
(leaning in to Ted with
ANGER)
LANGUAGE!!!
Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back.
DONNY (CONT'D)
When I was a little boy, I saw you on
television. And I thought you were the
most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd
ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father
if I could have a magical teddy bear,
too. And he said no. And I was
heartbroken. I decided that if I ever
had a son, I would never say no to him.
TED
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once
in awhile wouldn't hurt.
ROBERT
Me and Ted are gonna be best friends,
daddy.
DONNY
Yes. You are. Happy play time.
Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted.
TED
Jesus fucking Christ!
ROBERT
No! Daddy said no bad words!
TED
Yeah well, fuck your dad.
Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It
doesn't budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just
bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor.
TED (CONT'D)
Shit!
(CONTINUED)
106
CONTINUED:
Robert stands over him.
ROBERT
I said a bad word one time, and daddy
punished me for it.
TED
That's a great story, I felt like I was
there.
ROBERT
Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to
give you an ouch.
Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of
Ted's ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear
as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as
loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear.
TED
Okay... okay, kid. You win. We'll do it
your way. You wanna play a game or
somethin'? It's play time, let's play a
game.
ROBERT
Yeah, I wanna play a game!
TED
Good, good, hey, how `bout we play a
little game of hide and seek?
ROBERT
I love hide and seek! I'll hide!
TED
Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to
show good manners, right?
ROBERT
Yes.
TED
Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest
hide first, don't ya think?
There's a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then:
ROBERT
Okay, you hide first.
TED
Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count
to a hundred and then try to find me,
okay?
(CONTINUED)
107
CONTINUED:
ROBERT
Do I need to wash my hands before this
game?
TED
You... well-- no, you-- god, that's a
weird fuckin' question, no, just start
countin'.
Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting.
ROBERT
One... two... three...
Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the
door.
TED
Okay, no peekin', now, or you'll get kid
cancer.
Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns
the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the
hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed
ear, and exits again.
INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY
Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front
door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living
room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway,
he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching
The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back
into the hallway before he's seen, but in the process,
bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick
knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin,
falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the
direction of the hallway.
DONNY
(BEAT)
Robert? How's play time?
INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - LATE DAY
Robert's hands still cover his eyes.
ROBERT
Good, daddy!
108
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY
DONNY
Ted, are you making friends with Robert?
Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat,
Donny leans forward as if he's about to get up.
DONNY (CONT'D)
Ted?
ROBERT (O.S.)
Daddy, you're gonna ruin the game!
DONNY
(CHUCKLING)
Okay.
Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way
down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it's
just a storage closet. He's about to shut it, but
notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily
begins stapling his ear back on.
INT. DONNY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Donny's hears something, and turns to look. We think
he's about to get up, but he then settles back in.
ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in.
Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the
hall.
INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He
jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He
dials John's number.
EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat,
Lori's car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans
over.
LORI
Hey.
JOHN
Hey.
(CONTINUED)
109
CONTINUED:
LORI
Kinda late to be walkin' home by
yourself.
JOHN
Oh, I'll be okay. If I get raped, it'll
be my fault with what I'm wearing.
LORI
Listen, John... there's something I wanna
say to you, too.
He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to
her. She prepares to speak, but John's phone rings. He
shuts it off without looking at it.
JOHN
Go ahead.
INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK
Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.
INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
LORI
John, I just want you to know that... I
mean, I hope you don't think that--
John's phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It
reads "Unknown caller." He silences it.
LORI (CONT'D)
I, um... I just feel like we should...
keep talking. Because--
John's phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it.
JOHN
Whoever this is, it's not a good time.
INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN:
TED
John! It's me! Can you hear me?
JOHN
Ted?
Lori sighs, slightly annoyed.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Listen, I gotta call you back.
(CONTINUED)
110
CONTINUED:
TED
No, John! Don't hang up, I'm in trouble!
JOHN
What do you mean, what kinda trouble?
Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed.
TED
They got me! That freaky guy and his
freaky fat kid!
JOHN
What?
TED
I'm in their house, John! You gotta call
the police, they won't let me outta here!
They tore my ear off!
JOHN
Wait, slow down! Where are you?
TED
Uh... I'm not sure, it's uh--
Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps
and looks up. It's Donny, who slams the phone back down
in its cradle.
DONNY
(dark, brewing rage)
You're not a very polite guest.
TED
Shit.
INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
JOHN
(INTO PHONE)
Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted!
LORI
What's the matter, is he all right?
JOHN
I don't know.
LORI
Where is he?
JOHN
I don't know, but he's in trouble.
(CONTINUED)
111
CONTINUED:
LORI
Why? What happened? Can you call him
back?
JOHN
No, it's blocked-- wait a second.
John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls
out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the
Common. He looks at it, then points out the window.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on
the expressway!
EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
Lori's car peels out and races off.
INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
Donny stands over Ted.
DONNY
You've put us in a pickle here, haven't
you? We have to go now.
TED
Yeah, good idea.
Ted runs through Donny's legs, and out into the hall. He
races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps
in front of the door, blocking him.
TED (CONT'D)
Aaaa!
ROBERT
Found you.
Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted
turns and bolts in the other direction back down the
hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into
the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses.
INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the
table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and
Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them
and back out into the hall.
(CONTINUED)
112
CONTINUED:
He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to
reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a
door.
INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which
is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling.
He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he
sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and
mutilated teddy bears.
TED
AAAAAA!
Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him.
DONNY
We tried to make do with other teddy
bears. But none of them were you, Ted.
Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to:
EXT. STREET - DUSK
John and Lori race through the streets of Boston.
INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK
JOHN
It's this creepy fucked-up guy who wants
Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. They
got him somehow.
LORI
Which way?
JOHN
Shoot up 99!
EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
The car makes a hard left.
INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone.
(CONTINUED)
113
CONTINUED:
JOHN
(INTO PHONE)
Hello, 911? I need the police right
away! This guy took my teddy bear!
(BEAT)
...Hello?
EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
Lori's car speeds away.
EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches
the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get
free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny
opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny
slams the door. He gets into the car.
DONNY
Robert, seat belt.
Robert buckles up.
EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny pulls away down the alley.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted scrambles to his feet.
INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
John looks around frantically, then spots something out
of the passenger's side window.
JOHN'S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny's
car heading out of the alleyway.
JOHN
(TO LORI)
Whoa whoa, stop stop stop!
The car slows down, and John sees Donny's car make the
turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back.
114
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
TED
Johnny!
Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his side-
view mirror, just in time to see Lori's car swing a U-
turn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up
the street. Lori's car speeds up in pursuit.
EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT
We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way
through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and
pedestrians.
INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny's car races through the tunnel. Lori's car
pursues.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a
crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and
takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not
break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat
belt.
INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
JOHN
Come on, we're losing him!
Lori speeds up.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does
not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles
back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to
pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to
wriggle free.
INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The chase continues.
115
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the
window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar,
and climbs up onto the edge of the window.
INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
They see Ted in the window.
JOHN
Get closer!
LORI
I'm trying!
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the
window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of
the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see
that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar.
TED
(holding head in pain)
Aaaaa! Shit!!
INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs
back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one
of his legs.
ROBERT
No! You're being bad!
Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and
brandishes it threateningly at Robert.
TED
Back off, Susan Boyle.
Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear
of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He
tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori
speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump.
116
INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
JOHN
Easy...
LORI
I know.
JOHN
EASY--
LORI
I know!
INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Lori's car moves closer to Donny's. There's a tense
moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted
makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori's car, and
slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid
falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori
breathe energetic sighs of relief.
TED
Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?
John and Lori laugh.
JOHN
Yes! Fuckin' A right!
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny sees what's happening in his side mirror. He puts
his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it
drastically reduces speed. John's car slams into Donny's
causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of
Donny's car, past Robert (who is still in the way back)
and tumbling into the back seat.
TED
God dammit!
Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny
captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at
Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack.
ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from
behind, and throws the sack over Donny's head, bracing
himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells
in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off.
117
INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny's car scrapes against the side of the tunnel,
sending sparks flying.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the
floor on the passengers' side. Donny rips the sack off
his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window.
He's approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is
opposing traffic moving in the other direction.
EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding
clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori
come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives
through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks.
LORI
Shit!
She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the
truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they
continue on into the city.
EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Donny's car races through the streets, pursued by John
and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways
behind.
INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Ted is still on the floor on the passenger's seat side.
He looks around, and spots a "Club" underneath the seat.
He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted
grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing
at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap
Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few
of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted
away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger's seat. Then,
with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in
front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering
wheel with a snap! Donny's eyes widen as Ted scrambles
into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but
can't.
118
EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
Donny's car swerves out of control, veering up the
street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it
impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop.
Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the
back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of
glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles
for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit.
TED'S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly.
That little rip has done something... He shakes it off,
and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles
out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase
Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door
slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and
disappears inside.
ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind
Donny's car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny
and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the
sidewalk after them.
INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS
Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an
escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a
ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red
metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs
on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his
larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him
down a bit.
ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through
the garage door, and running inside. They look around
for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them
(Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK
ON JOHN.
ROBERT (O.S.)
NO!!
John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at
them!
ROBERT (CONT'D)
You can't have my teddy bear!!
When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one
punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look
down at him.
LORI
Oh my god.
(CONTINUED)
119
CONTINUED:
JOHN
Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on
that kid.
(THEN)
Come on!
John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert
behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around,
but it's unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John
continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori
just behind him.
INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.
Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves
past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs.
EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera
PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of
FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one
lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from
the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints
past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He
has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted
scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto
the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED'S POV, it's
a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can't
quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat,
then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted.
Ted climbs farther up the tower.
INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
John and Lori emerge and continue to look around
frantically. They run up the walkway.
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Donny pursues Ted up the tower.
EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and
run down the aisle, looking around with desperation.
(CONTINUED)
120
CONTINUED:
LORI
(spotting the action on the
TOWER)
Look!
John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant
lighting tower.
JOHN
Oh Jesus...
(THEN)
Stay here.
LORI
Wait, John! What are you--
JOHN
STAY THERE!!
He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the
concession area.
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls
back down. He's about to pulls himself up again, when
Donny grabs one of his legs.
EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move.
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny's grasp, but he
can't. CLOSE UP ON TED'S SIDE - The small rip from
earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED'S FACE -
His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with
fear. TED'S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows
this is not good...
EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS
John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and
sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs.
121
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself
free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we
see his vision swimming even more.
EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
John runs up the stairwell.
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up,
but he's visibly weakened and his hands are slipping.
EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
John continues up the stairwell.
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his
depleted strength to pull himself farther up.
EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over
toward the lighting tower, just in time to see...
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the
foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP,
Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted
falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white
stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand
over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with
the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging,
stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling
himself back over the ledge.
We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the
stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the
edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well.
ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the
upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren,
and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car
pull up far below, he makes a break for it.
(CONTINUED)
122
CONTINUED:
Down below, Ted's top half lies on the grass, looking
around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom
there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side,
and kneel down.
JOHN
Ted!
LORI
Oh my God...
TED
(weak, slow breathing)
Johnny...
Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to
frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing.
JOHN
Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!
Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of
the white cotton.
TED
Johnny...
John leans back over Ted.
JOHN
You're gonna be okay, buddy. you
understand? You're gonna be fine.
TED
(WEAK)
Jesus, I look like the robot from
"Aliens".
JOHN
No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you're
gonna be okay.
TED
I... I don't think so. I'm... I'm in
trouble. I need... I need to tell you
something.
JOHN
What is it?
TED
Don't... don't ever lose her again.
She's the most important... most
important part of your life.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
123
CONTINUED:
TED (CONT'D)
Even more than me. She's your thunder
buddy now. She's--
Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE
TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain...
EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The rain is pouring now. Lori's car pulls up. She and
John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They
race inside.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They're
both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches
drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and
thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to
sew him up as John watches intently.
LORI
John... I don't know if this is gonna--
JOHN
Just try. Please. Just try.
She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They
wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower
their heads.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on
the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes
it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part
of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his
shoulder.
LORI
John... I'm sorry. You did everything
you could. I'm... I'm just so sorry.
She gently puts an arm around him. There is a
thunderclap outside. John does not react.
LORI (CONT'D)
(almost too softly to be
HEARD)
You're not afraid...
(CONTINUED)
124
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is
placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and
exit...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying
awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks
over to the window, and looks out.
EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one
from that night when John was a child. As before, there
is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star
whizzes by through the opening.
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lori's eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at
the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and
makes a wish...
EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE
INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - MORNING
John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He
gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is
where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still
motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted's
eyes snap open.
JOHN
Ted!
TED
(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
I'm alive, Johnny!
JOHN
Oh my god!
(CONTINUED)
125
CONTINUED:
TED
(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
JOHN
You're back!
TED
(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you
put some of the stuffing in the wrong
places, so I'm a little fucked up. Will
you take care of me forever and ever?
John stares at him, confused.
TED (CONT'D)
(NORMAL VOICE)
Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya, I thought it'd
be funny if you thought I was fuckin'
retarded.
JOHN
You asshole!
John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees
what's happening, and a huge smile crosses her face.
LORI
Welcome back, Ted.
John turns to Lori, and realizes...
JOHN
It... it was you. You did it. (cover
this line with addition:) It was your
wish.
TEDDY
(smiling, speechless)
Son of a bitch...You wished for my life
back.
She smiles at him.
LORI
No. I wished for my life back. Because
I love you both.
John goes to her, and kisses her passionately.
TED
You were pretty great out there at
Fenway, Johnny.
(CONTINUED)
126
CONTINUED:
LORI
Yeah, that's my big brave man.
JOHN
Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was
punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I
mean if that's what it's like to hit a
woman, watch out, I liked it.
LORI
(SMILING)
I love you.
JOHN
I love you, too.
(THEN)
And, I want you to know that... I'm
probably never gonna be any more than a
guy who rents cars, but... I don't care.
You're the only thing that matters in my
life.
TED (O.S.)
AY--
JOHN
You and Ted.
TED (O.S.)
Yes!
JOHN
And after last night, I... I don't ever
want to lose anyone who matters to me
ever again. I'm not gonna wait any
longer for my life to start. Lori...
will you marry me?
LORI
(beat, she smiles)
That's all I ever wanted.
John and Lori kiss as we pull away...
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily
ever after, having discovered at last
that all they really needed was each
other. John and Lori were married in a
beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a
very special Justice of the Peace.
127
INT. CHURCH - DAY
We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam
J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux,
stands in the best man's position. John stands on the
steps smiling and looking out as we cut to...
ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress,
smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones
addresses the two of them, standing at the altar.
SAM JONES
I now pronounce you man and wife. You
may kiss the bride.
John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the
cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves
back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing
pews full of people from the movie: Lori's co-workers,
John's co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix
and Tanya, etc.).
EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS
John and Lori come running out of the church, as the
crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo
with a "Just Married" sign on the back. John gets in,
and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina,
Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns
and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into
frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as
Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her
off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away...
Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as
his best friend heads off.
TED
Y'know Sam, there's only one way to end a
perfect day.
SAM JONES
What's that?
TED
On three.
SAM JONES
What on three?
TED
Flash jump.
(CONTINUED)
128
CONTINUED:
SAM JONES
(REALIZING)
Right.
One... two... three.
DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same
time...
TED/SAM JONES
YEAH!!!
They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme
kicks in. Over the music:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And that's the story of how one magical
wish forever changed the lives of three
very special friends.
INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double
date.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid
love affair for quite some time. One
afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli
counter eating potato salad off of Tami-
Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly
promoted to store manager.
INSERT: footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow
motion.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with
the goal of restarting his film career.
He currently resides in Burbank where he
shares a studio apartment with his
roommate Brandon Routh.
INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Remember Brandon Routh from that god-
awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ.
Thanks for getting our hopes up and
taking a giant shit on us.
INSERT: footage or Rex at the office.
(CONTINUED)
129
CONTINUED:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not
long after he fell into a deep depression
and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Donny was arrested by Boston police and
charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The
charges were dropped when everyone
realized how completely stupid that
sounded.
INSERT: footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial
amount of weight, and went on to become
Taylor Lautner.
INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER.
THE END
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