FUTURAMA
Episode 411
"30% IRON CHEF"
By
Jeff Westbrook
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: If Accidentally Watched, Induce Vomitting.]
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender watches Good Morning Earth on
TV. A graphic of the sun peeking over the Earth appears on the
screen then it changes to Morbo and Linda in the regular Good
Morning Earth studio.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Welcome back. Our next guest has been
teaching the world to cook for over
20 years. But apparently my uh, wife
hasn't been listening.
[A laughter track is heard and Linda chuckles.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Oh funny!
ELZAR [ON TV]
Morbo I'm gonna whip you up a nice,
unnameable horror from beyond - with
mango chutney.
[He lifts a pot onto a hob. Morbo looks inside. Radiation flares
out of the pot and X-rays his head.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Pathetic humans! Prepare to write down
the recipe!
[Bender hums as he stirs a pot of...something. Enter Fry.]
FRY
Hey, uh, what's with all the pots and
pans? You building a wife?
BENDER
Part of one. Meantime I'm cooking up
a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends!
[He takes a chicken out of his chest cabinet and swallows it.
Shredding, whirring sounds come from inside him and he spits
out the chicken's skeleton. He dusts it off and puts it in a
frying pan.]
FRY
Brunch. Right. I'd better warn - tell
- warntell the others!
BENDER
Okey-dokey!
[Fry leaves and Bender covers the chicken with a whole tub of
Motron's Salt. He opens another tub and adds an extra pinch of
it.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew sans Fry and Bender
are gathered around Farnsworth's lab table looking at a ship
in a bottle.]
HERMES
Ooo!
LEELA
Nice!
FARNSWORTH
Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the
universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny
spaceship inside to keep it from being
boring.
ZOIDBERG
Ohh!
[He reaches out to the bottle.]
FARNSWORTH
Get -! For the last time Zoidberg look
with your eyes not with your claws!
[He puts the bottle back on the table. Enter Fry.]
FRY
Brace yourselves. Bender is making us
brunch.
[Everyone gasps.]
ZOIDBERG
Oh boy!
FARNSWORTH
Oh God! My tract!
[He clutches his stomach.]
FRY
He's so proud of his awful cooking.
If we don't eat it he'll be crushed.
LEELA
Alright don't panic. If we can get to
the ship, we can fly north and hide
under the polar icecaps for a few weeks.
FRY
Hurry!
FARNSWORTH
Good idea!
ZOIDBERG
What's the hold-up?
[They make for the door. It opens and Bender is standing there
stirring a bowl of slop.]
BENDER
Fleeing somewhere?
FRY
Uh, with you blocking the only escape
route? Don't be silly!
BENDER
In that case brunch is served! Let's
go, move it out, stop crying Leela!
[They all file out and Leela carries on crying. Farnsworth pokes
his head through the doorway.]
FARNSWORTH
Zoidberg, are you coming?
[Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]
ZOIDBERG
Sure. Me.
FARNSWORTH
Because I don't want you touching that
thing.
ZOIDBERG
I know that. Surrender your mysteries
to Zoidberg! Oh no! Professor will
hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then
perhaps gifts! Ow, what? Ohh!
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table and
Bender dishes up.]
BENDER
Today, I've personalised each of your
meals. For example, Amy, you're cute,
so I baked you a pony. Come on! Eat!
I slaved all day over a filthy stove!
[He walks into the kitchen.]
HERMES
This is terrible!
FARNSWORTH
Good thing I secretly installed this
wormhole in the table!
[He presses a button and the wormhole opens in the middle of
the table and scrapes his food - a human heart and some guts
- into it.]
AMY
Where does the other end come out?
FARNSWORTH
You know I'm not quite sure. Oh dear
me!
[He takes a cloth out of his lab coat and puts his hand in the
wormhole and wipes the food from off his head. Enter Bender humming.
His antenna pop-ups and dings like a microwave. He takes something
green out of his chest cabinet.]
BENDER
The pie is ready. You guys like swarms
of things right?
[Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg
wearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes
out from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]
ZOIDBERG
Casual hello, it's me Zoidberg, act
naturally. Ow! Ouch! Get off of me!
Stop!
LEELA
How interesting Dr Zoidberg. Do go on.
[She scrapes her food into a plant and sits down. Bender doesn't
notice. He walks back towards the kitchen, humming. He notices
the dead plant.]
BENDER
Hey check out the palm tree! It only
gets sick when I cook brunch! How's
that for a coincidence Professor? With
all your precious science!
[He walks through the door.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender stirs a mop around in
a bucket of filthy water and wrings it out into some glasses.
He opens the door a little way and hears Fry talking.]
FRY [FROM LOUNGE]
Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings...
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]
FRY
...but this food actually tastes better
as vomit!
LEELA
It's unbearable! How much do you think
it would cost to get my tongue removed?
[Bender is standing in the doorway crying. He drops the tray
of glasses and runs back into the kitchen. Whatever was in the
glasses dissolves the floor.]
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Bender opens his locker and takes
out his personalised notepaper headed with "A Note From Bender,"
"A Ransom Note From Bender" and "A Plea For Attention From Bender."
He clicks his finger and a pen comes out and he starts writing
on the latter paper. He looks at the checklist. "I Am Committing
Suicide," "I Am Getting A Tattoo" and "I Am Running Away." He
ticks the last one.]
BENDER
(crying) And this time I mean it!
[He ticks "And This Time I Mean It."]
[Outside Planet Express. Bender walks away from the building
with a bindle over his shoulder. He throws his chef's hat down
and squeaking rats run out of it.]
[Street. Bender walks down the street still crying.]
BENDER
Aw, who am I kidding? It was stupid
of me to ever dream of becoming a chef.
I don't have what it takes and nothing
can change that. Then it's settled!
Elzar will teach me to cook!
[Elzar's Kitchen.]
ELZAR
Absolutely not.
[Bender has his arms wrapped around Elzar's legs.]
BENDER
But I watch your show. You owe me!
ELZAR
I owe you nothing! For starter's your
antenna's in my crotch. Also I hate
you. Finally, you can't cook for squat.
[Bender cries then suddenly stops.]
BENDER
What was the first one again?
ELZAR
I hate you.
BENDER
I thought that was number two.
ELZAR
I knocked it up a notch. Bam!
[He points to the door.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg looks at the broken
bottle.]
ZOIDBERG
Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship!
When the Professor finds out, he'll
tear me a new cloaca! Wait! What would
the robot do? Frame someone.
[Enter Fry.]
FRY
What up?
[Zoidberg laughs insanely.]
[Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back
to the door. Enter Zoidberg.]
FRY
(singing) I'm walking on sunshine!
La la la la sunshine!
[Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one that says "I Hate Bottles"
and eats the original.]
[New New York Rooftops. Bender sits on some pipes. He has 5 o'clock
rust.]
BENDER
(crying) It's over! My dream of being
a chef is deadder than the cat I'm sitting
on!
[Two hobos stand next to him.]
HOBO
Gus old chum, let's give a friendly
welcome to this new robo.
[Bender rolls up his sleeves.]
BENDER
What did you call me?
GUS
A robo. You know? A robot-hobo.
BENDER
Oh OK I thought you said "romo."
HOBO
No offence intended my filthy friend.
In fact, why not join us and ride the
space rails?
[Space Train. The train heads down a space track carrying trucks
from such companies as Baltimore & Orion, Starlight Express and
Wrath-Of-Conrail. The train heads towards a small planet with
a giant prism sticking out of it. A truck door opens. The hobos
are wearing spacesuits and Bender is with them.]
GUS
Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that
switching prism up ahead.
HOBO
We're going nearly the speed of light
so uh, roll when you land.
[They jump and the train hits the prism and each truck flies
off in a different direction.]
[Cut to: Planet Surface. The hobos roll when they land and Bender
lands on his head.]
BENDER
Ow.
[Bumbase Alpha. Hobos and Robos warm themselves around fires.]
GUS
Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest
hobo jungle in the quadrant.
BENDER
I've seen bigger. Oh wait I'm thinking
of Eugene Oregon. Wait. A pie with
hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?
GUS
Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest
chef.
HOBO
His restaurant was so high toned, the
only way to get reservations was to
create a parallel universe where you
already had reservations.
GUS
Yep. I once ate there back when I what
was a senator.
BENDER
Yo Spargle, if you're such a great cook,
how'd you end up in this dump?
[Spargle is a small, bald man with a German accent. He sighs.]
SPARGLE
Ages ago I was the host of a TV show...
[Flashback. A younger Helmut Spargle cooks in a studio kitchen.]
SPARGLE
(voice-over) ...Down Home Country Kitchen
Mit Helmut Spargle. But one day the
extreme soda company that sponsored
the show decided it was too old fashioned.
[A man dressed in a Jammin Orange Blast can suit walks in.]
MAN
Spargle, you're fired! We need a chef
who can attract today's younger extreme
cooking show viewer.
[Enter a younger Elzar.]
SPARGLE
Elzar!
ELZAR
Get lost old man! Bam!
[Spargle's soufflé collapses.]
SPARGLE
Mein soufflé!
[Flashback ends.]
SPARGLE
Elzar had been seduced by the dark side
of cooking. Cilantro, mango slasa, raspberry
vinaigrette!
BENDER
That twizzler!
SPARGLE
As for me, I went temporarily insane
and vound up here - making pies out
of shoes.
BENDER
My story's a lot like yours only more
interesting 'cause it involves robots.
That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being
a chef too.
[He eats a piece of Spargle's pie.]
SPARGLE
Interesting. You wish to become a cook,
but as a robot you have no sense of
taste.
BENDER
It's so unfair! I have eight other senses
but I'd trade them all, even smission,
to be able to taste.
[He takes the pie out of his chest cabinet.]
SPARGLE
You don't understand. Without the distraction
of taste, your mind is free to touch
the Zen of pure flavour. You could become
the greatest chef ever.
BENDER
I could?
SPARGLE
Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer
because he was deaf!
BENDER
Or like how Rembrandt was blind and
had wooden hands!
SPARGLE
Bender, hear me well, I shall train
you. But first you must forget everything
you know about cooking.
[Bender presses a button on his body and he beeps.]
BENDER
Done.
[Montage Bender trains as a chef to Joe Esposito's You're The
Best à la The Karate Kid. First he learns to peel hover potatoes
blindfolded à la Luke's Jedi training in A New Hope. Spargle
puts a salad under Bender's ass and Bender grinds some peppercorns
by putting them in his mouth and twisting his head. The groud
pepper drops onto the salad from his ass. Spargle gives him the
thumbs up. Next Bender chops a vegetable very quickly with a
knife and ends up chopping up half his arm as well. Spargle takes
the knife from him, shows it to some hobos and robos and then
chops a tomato like someone would in those sharp knife adverts.
The hobos and robos applaud.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth chats to a Spanish
friend on the phone.]
FARNSWORTH
That's right Ricardo, a ship in a bottle...!
What's that...? Well hang on, I'll look.
[He turns around and gasps. The bottle and ship are in pieces.
He drops the phone.]
RICARDO [ON PHONE]
Ola? Professor? Qué pasa?
[Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. There is a storm outside.
It is ten to midnight in the accusing parlour and Farnsworth,
Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are assembled in
the room. Fry sits with his arms crossed and is not wearing his
jacket. Farnsworth paces in front of the fire with a flipchart
to the side of him.]
FARNSWORTH
I've gathered you all here in the accusing
parlour because one of you is a miniature
ship wrecker!
[Zoidberg gasps.]
ZOIDBERG
I'm acting astonished.
FARNSWORTH
Certain clues suggest the culprit is
none other than our own...Philip J.
Fry!
[Everyone gasps. Fry uncrosses his arms revealing his "I Hate
Bottles" T-shirt underneath.]
FRY
What?!
FARNSWORTH
Oh it was a brilliant scheme but you
made one fatal mistake...leaving this
confession note.
[He holds up a piece of paper with "Fry Confesses" written on
it. On the bottom of the paper "From The Desk Of Dr John Zoidberg,
M.D." is printed.]
ZOIDBERG
Fry you scoundrel!
FRY
Well, I don't remember any of that but
I don't have the wherewithal to defend
myself.
FARNSWORTH
Then I have no choice but to charge
you the full cost of the materials.
$10.
[Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]
FRY
There you go.
[Zoidberg hears violin strains and puts his claws to his head.]
ZOIDBERG
(shouting) What have I done?!
[Bumbase Alpha. Spargle is seated at a table with hobos and robos
gathered around. Bender walks out of a hut carrying a tray with
a cover on it. He hums and puts the tray on the table in front
of Spargle.]
SPARGLE
Your training is complete, little dessert
spoon. Now, just as the man who wishes
to be world chess champion must win
at least one game of chess so must you
serve at least one edible meal. (whispering)
Succeed and I shall reveal to you the
age old secret (whispering more) of
perfect flavour.
[The crowd gasps.]
GUS
Ooh yeah!
BENDER
Slop's on!
[He lifts the lid. It certainly is slop.]
GUS
Fine lookin' eats!
[Spargle takes a bite and Bender looks on with anticipation.
Spargle chews and the crowd stares. Spargle swallows.]
SPARGLE
It is...acceptable.
[The hobos cheer.]
BENDER
Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait.
Why'd you stop eating master?
SPARGLE
(hoarse) Because...my stomach is about
to explode.
[The crowd gasps.]
BENDER
What? My dinner killed you? Oh man!
SPARGLE
(hoarse) Oh it hurts. But don't lose
confidence. The important thing is that
you defeat Elzar after I am gone. And
using this, you cannot fail.
[Bender takes it.]
BENDER
A diamond vial of Mrs Dash?
SPARGLE
(hoarse) No, it is the essence of pure
flavour. A few drops will cause the
inner perfection of any dinner to blossom
forth. Oh! There goes my...life.
[He dies and falls face first into the plate of slop. The crowd
gasps.]
BENDER
I'll avenge you master. I swear, in
the presence of these drunken bums,
that I shall defeat Elzar!
GUS
Oh I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill!
But I like what what you said!
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender meets his opponent.]
BENDER
Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished
business!
ELZAR
Why you -
[Bender knocks a spice weasel off Hattie's table and turns to
Elzar.]
BENDER
Helmut Spargle has a message for you.
He says (hoarse) "Ooo, I'm dead!"
ELZAR
Spargle huh? What he do, bland himself
to death?
BENDER
No. He was eating some food I made and
by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded.
Now I'm here to avenge him.
ELZAR
OK but it seems like you're the one
who killed him.
BENDER
Maybe so but you are his sworn enemy.
I challenge you to a battle of the chefs.
[He screws of his hand and smacks Elzar with it. The customers
gasp.]
CUSTOMER
Scandalous!
ELZAR
Very well. We'll meet on the ancient
televised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum!
Whosever meal is best will claim the
title of Iron Cook.
BENDER
Iron Cook eh? I can't lose. I'm 30%
iron! You're going down! Uh, also I
had a reservation for one, under "Dr
Bender."
[The Planet Express ship crosses the city and lands outside the
Kitchen Coliseum: Home Of The Kitchen University Wildcats.]
[Kitchen Coliseum. There are two kitchen areas on either side
of the studio and huge pictures of Elzar and Bender in chef gear.
The room is darkened.]
HIROKI
Please welcome the superintendant of
Kitchen Coliseum...Chairman Koji! No
robot chef has ever competed here but
today one has barged his way in to challege
for the title of...
[Birds fly out from under Koji's cloak.]
KOJI
...Iron Cookuru!
[Bender and Elzar rise from the under the floor in front of their
pictures. The crowd cheers. Fry and the rest of the Planet Express
crew watch from the seats.]
FRY
(shouting) Yeah you show 'em!
[In the main part of the studio Hiroki sits with several celebrities
at a long table.]
HIROKI
Let's meet today's celebrity judges:
Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters,
Ethan Bubblegum Tate!
TATE
Konnichiwa brother!
HIROKI
TV anchor-monster Morbo!
MORBO
Greetings pathetic host!
HIROKI
And a woman who ended a thousand year
war with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's
head!
STEWART
The secret is fresh pork.
[Time Lapse.]
HIROKI
And now, chairman Koji will present
the theme ingredient to be used in every
dish today.
BENDER
(quietly) If it's chicken: chicken à
la king. If it's fish: fish à la king.
If it's turkey: fish à la king!
[Koji pulls a sheet off the ingredient.]
KOJI
Soylent Greuu!
[The camera faces the soylent green and the caption "Soylent
Green" appears.]
HIROKI
Soylent Green, a classic ingredient
of gourment cooking. And the battle
is on. Aki, what's Elzar making?
AKI
Well Hiroki-san, when I asked him he
asked what business it was of mine and
conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
STEWART
In the English countryside many prostitutes
decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
[Time Lapse. Bender rolls some dough with his hands.]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
30 minutes to go.
[Bender sits on the dough and starts rolling it.]
HIROKI
Look at Bender roll that dough!
TATE
I've never seen such confident, powerful
strokes of the ass!
STEWART
You've never seen mine!
TATE
(sexfully) No I haven't!
[Morbo gives him a weird look.]
[Time Lapse.]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Fifteen minutes remaining.
[Elzar gives a signal and Sal rolls a hovercrane into the studio
carrying a huge model built from soylent green.]
HIROKI
The iron cook is bringing in his signature
creation, a working pastry replica of
downtown Venice.]
[A cameraman points a camera at the model and a shrimp rows a
gondola down the canal singing La Donna E Mobile. In the audience
a man walks around with a box strapped to his front with $10.00
written in it.]
MAN
Commemorative turkey basters, get your
commemorative turkey basters.
FRY
Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and
I've tried everything. Oh right. Never
mind.
[Zoidberg hears the violin strains again and puts his claws to
his head.]
ZOIDBERG
Oh the guilt! The unbearable guilt!
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Fifteen seconds.
[Elzar arranges his food on the plates and man wheels in a rack
of spice weasels. Elzar selects one.]
ELZAR
Bam!
[He takes the spice weasel off the rack and gives his food a
blast with it.]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Ten seconds.
[Bender hammers his food and arranges it on a tray. He looks
at it and then takes out Spargle's vial.]
BENDER
Master Spargle. If you can hear me up
there in that ditch where I left you,
this is for you.
[He pours some flavour onto the food and a gong sounds.]
KOJI
Time, uperuu!
[Time Lapse. A "Tasting" caption appears on the screen.]
HIROKI
The iron cook Neptunian has gone all
out to please the judges. He's even
garnished the salad with $100 bills.
Let's see what they think.
[Elzar puts plates of food in front of Tate and Morbo and scrapes
some into Stewart's jar.]
TATE
Mmm, soylent green is my kind of people!
[He eats some more. Morbo sucks up his soylent spaghetti.]
MORBO
Scrumptious. Morbo will store this in
his sack for future digestion.
STEWART
I'm swimming in my own soylent waste.
It's a good thing.
[The gong sounds again.]
HIROKI
Next, up, challenger Bender. A student
of the legendary Hemut Spargle, Bender
is some sort of wonderful mechanical
man.
[Bender puts the plates in from of Tate and Morbo who don't react
too well. He scrapes some into Stewart's jar and she completely
disappears under it.]
STEWART
Ooo...delicious!
TATE
This food looks kind of funky, but it
tastes kind of funkay!
MORBO
The challenger's ugly food has shown
us that even hideous things can be sweet
on the inside.
[He starts crying. Tate hugs him and pats his back.]
[Time Lapse. The caption "Judgement" appears on the screen.]
HIROKI
And now, judgement. The winner will
become the new iron cook, the loser
is doomed to scrub. Who's confection
achieves perfection? Who's foodstuff
will be the good stuff?
[Leela crosses her fingers.]
KOJI
Challengeruu Benderuu!
[Everyone applauds.]
FRY
Yay!
FARNSWORTH
That's my robot! I own him!
BENDER
You honour me chairman Koji.
KOJI
Domo arigato, Mr Roboto.
BENDER
Chairman-san, I came here with one goal.
To humiliate Elzar in a large stadium.
I believe I'e done that.
[On the other side of the studio Elzar scrubs the pots and pans.]
ELZAR
No question.
BENDER
But the true Zen of flavour is not found
in a coliseum. It is found in a small
kitchen, with friends. That is why I
decline the title of Iron Cook and accept
only the lesser title of Zinc Saucier
which I just made up. Also it comes
with double prize money.
[Everyone cheers. But Zoidberg is not in his seat. He runs onto
the platform next to Bender and Koji.]
ZOIDBERG
Wait! Everyone must know. I broke the
Professor's bottled ship. And what
is worse, I framed my dearest friend
Fry! (crying) I can never repay him
his ten dollars. So I must take the
only honourable path. what the killing
myself. Here I go already. Huh?
KOJI
Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!
[Zoidberg drops the sword.]
ZOIDBERG
Fry did it!
[He runs away, wooping.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch the whole show
on TV. Bender turns it off.]
BENDER
And that's how I defeated Elzar - thanks
to Spargle's magic liquid.
LEELA
Yes, we were there. And we just finished
watching it on TV.
FARNSWORTH
Hmm. Let me see that vial Bender. Good
Lord! According to the spectrolizer,
Spargle's magic ingredient was...water.
Ordinary water!
[Everyone gasps.]
HERMES
No!
FRY
Ah, so the real gift Spargle gave you
was confidence. The confidence to be
your best.
FARNSWORTH
Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing
more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
[Bender takes the vial.]
BENDER
The important thing is, by my standards,
I won fair and square. Now, who wants
brunch? Cooked with plenty of..."confidence"?
LEELA
I'm in!
FARNSWORTH
I do!
[They all cheer and the episode plays out with a riff from Cream's
Sunshine Of Your Love.]
THE END
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