FUTURAMA
Episode 108
"A BIG PIECE OF GARBAGE"
By
Lewis Morton
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll
be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet.
HERMES
Why can't they go today?
FARNSWORTH
Because tonight's a special night and
I want all of you to be alive. It's
the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
FRY
Wow! I love symposia.
FARNSWORTH
It's the event of the scientific season.
Every member presents an invention and
the best one wins the Academy prize.
BENDER
Sounds boring.
FARNSWORTH
Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because
my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold!
The death clock. Simply jam your finger
in the hole and this readout tells you
exactly how long you have left to live.
LEELA
Does it really work?
FARNSWORTH
Well it's occasionally off by a few
seconds. What with free will and all.
FRY
Sounds like fun. How long do I have
left to live?
[He puts his finger in the hole and the clock dings.]
BENDER
Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!
[Opening Credits. Caption: Mr. Bender's Wardrobe By Robotany
500.]
[Academy of Inventors. The room is filled with doctors and professors
all wearing white lab coats. Bender is wearing a top hat and
is talking to Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, my, yes.
FRY
Who's the gross nerd?
[He points to a picture of a geek on the wall.]
FARNSWORTH
That's me at the very first symposium.
I'm the Academy's oldest living member,
you know. These youngsters all look
up to me.
[Enter an old man.]
WERNSTROM
Well, well, well. Look who decided to
show his wrinkled face.
FARNSWORTH
Why don't you just leave me alone, Wernstrom?!
WERNSTROM
Face it, Farnsworth, you're over the
hill. It's time to leave science to
the 120-year-olds.
FARNSWORTH
You young turks think you know everything.
I was inventing things when you were
barely turning senile.
[Wernstrom laughs.]
WERNSTROM
Go home before you embarrass yourself,
old man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to take a nap before the ceremonies.
[He leaves.]
FRY
Who's that jerk?
FARNSWORTH
A hundred years ago he was my most promising
student at Mars University. But then
after one fateful pop-quiz...
[Flashback: Mars University. A younger Farnsworth hands a younger
Wernstrom a piece of paper.]
WERNSTROM
A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom
an A-minus!
FARNSWORTH
I'm sorry but penmanship counts.
WERNSTROM
I swear I'll have my revenge even if
it takes me a hundred years.
[Flashback ends.]
FARNSWORTH
And here it is: Slightly over 99 years
later and still no revenge. I'm essentially
in the clear.
[Academy of Inventors Auditorium. Bender, Fry and Leela are sat
at a table. Bender is wearing a top hat and is reading the wine
list. A waiter takes his order.]
BENDER
I've been perusing your fortified wine
list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's
Delight, the '57 Chateau Par-tay and
the '66 Thunder Chevitz.
WAITER
Exquisite choices, sir.
BENDER
And mix them all together in a big jug.
[Time Lapse. The lights in the auditorium are now dimmed and
Ron Popeil's head in a jar is on the stage.]
POPEIL
Welcome to this year’s Academy of Inventors
Annual Symposium, I'm your host, Ron
Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone,
the spray-on toupee and - of course
- the technology to keep human heads
alive in jars. But wait, there's more.
We've got a whole line-up of inventors
tonight, starting with that up and coming
young star, Ogden Wernstrom.
[The audience applauds and Wernstrom stands up and walks onto
the stage. Fry boos him.]
BENDER
(shouting) More wine!
WERNSTROM
Distinguished members of the Academy,
I present to you, the Reverse SCUBA
Suit. Observe! Fetch! Now, sit! I
said sit! Bad fish!
[He hits the fish with a newspaper and it sits. The audience
applauds. Farnsworth groans.]
FRY
Don't worry, Professor, it's no competition
for your death clock.
WERNSTROM
And what will you be presenting this
evening, grandpa?
FARNSWORTH
Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers
in your place!
WERNSTROM
I just hope it's not as lame as that
death clock you presented last year.
FARNSWORTH
Uh, last year, you say?
WERNSTROM
That's right.
FARNSWORTH
Oh, my! Did it put you young whippersnappers
in your place?
WERNSTROM
Hardly! We laughed until our teeth fell
out. Come along, Cinnamon.
[His fish follows him.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, dear, I'll have to invent something
new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps
some sort of death clock.
LEELA
Uh, Professor...?
[Time Lapse. A man on the stage demonstrates a helicopter hat.
He turns a handle and flies away. The audience applauds.]
POPEIL
Our last presentation comes from our
oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
Professor?
[A spotlight falls on Farnsworth. He is scribbling something
on a piece of paper.]
FARNSWORTH
Just a second, just a second.
WERNSTROM
Pencils down, prune-face.
[Farnsworth snarls and runs onto the stage.]
FARNSWORTH
Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there.
Now, we all know telescopes allow us
to see distant objects. But what if
we want to smell distant objects? Well
now we can! Thanks to my new invention...the
Smellescope.
[He puts a piece of paper on a projector. The audience starts
talking.]
MAN
Oh, I say!
FARNSWORTH
The odour travels past this coffee stain
here, around the olive pit and into
this cigar burn. And this appears to
be a, doodle of myself as a cowboy.
But the Smellescope is brilliant, I
tell you! Think of the astronomical
odours you'll smell thanks to me. Oh,
my!
[He puts it back on the projector. It is smudged. The audience
laughs again.]
WERNSTROM
I've waited a hundred years for this,
Farnsworth. I give your invention the
worst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus.
[The audience laughs. Farnsworth walks off the stage.]
[Time Lapse. Ron Popeil is back on the stage. A trophy is beside
him.]
POPEIL
And now for the presentation of the
award. Listen, folks, I'm practically
giving this prize away to Dr. Wernstrom,
for his fish thingy.
[Wernstrom picks up the trophy and shakes his fish's leg. Farnsworth,
outside, sighs and walks away.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth
are sat around the table.]
FARNSWORTH
Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a
scientist.
BENDER
Yep!
FRY
No, Professor, don't give up. There
were plenty of times in my century when
I was gonna give up but I never did.
Never! Hey, are you even listening to
me? Oh, I give up!
FARNSWORTH
By God, you're right! I'm going to build
that Smellescope!
[Planet Express: Attic.]
FARNSWORTH
Eureka!
[Fry, Leela and Bender run in.]
FRY
Did you build the Smellescope?
FARNSWORTH
No, I remembered that I'd built one
last year. Go ahead. Try it. You'll
find that every heavenly body has its
own particular scent. Here, I'll point
it at Jupiter.
[Fry sniffs.]
FRY
Smells like strawberries.
FARNSWORTH
Exactly! And now Saturn.
[Fry sniffs.]
FRY
Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great!
Hey, as long as you don't make me smell
Uranus.
[He laughs.]
LEELA
I don't get it.
FARNSWORTH
I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed
Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke
once and for all.
FRY
Oh. What's it called now?
FARNSWORTH
Urectum. Here, let me locate it for
you.
[Fry chuckles.]
FRY
No, no, I think I'll just smell around
a bit over here! Hmm. Hmm.
[He sniffs again and starts gagging.]
FARNSWORTH
What is it? Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable!
A stench so foul is right off the funk-o-meter.
I dare say Fry may have discovered the
smelliest object in the known universe.
BENDER
Ooh, ooh, name it after me!
[Leela sniffs.]
LEELA
I think it's moving.
FARNSWORTH
Hmm, perhaps the computer can calculate
its trajectory. My God! Whatever it
is it's headed straight for us. With
enough force to reduce this entire city
to a stinky crater. We have less than
72 hours.
[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]
BENDER
Well, lets get looting!
[He picks up a TV and runs out.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table
looking at a hologram of the Earth.]
FRY
So this thing's gonna destroy the whole
city? What the heck is it?
[Farnsworth taps a keyboard.]
FARNSWORTH
Ah! Just as I thought. The answer lies
in this movie I found on the Internet.
[He plays the movie. The New York skyline of 2000 is displayed
on the screen, along with the title The Great Garbage Crisis
Of 2000.]
NARRATOR
New York City: the year 2000. The most
wasteful society in the history of the
galaxy and it was running out of places
to empty its never-ending output of
garbage. The landfills were full. New
Jersey was full. And so, under cover
of darkness, the city put its garbage
out to sea on the world's largest barge.
The repulsive barge circled the oceans
for 50 years but no country would accept
it. Not even that really filthy one.
You know the one I mean. Finally, in
2052, the city used its mob connections
to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage
into outer space. Some experts claim
the ball might return to Earth someday,
but their concerns were dismissed as
"depressing".
FRY
Wow! You got that off the Internet?
In my day the Internet was only used
to download pornography.
FARNSWORTH
Actually that's still true.
[He resumes the movie.]
FEMALE SCIENTIST
Now that the garbage is in space, doctor,
perhaps you can help me with my sexual
inhibitions.
MALE SCIENTIST
With gusto!
[They both strip down to their underwear. Leela turns the lights
back on. Fry groans.]
FARNSWORTH
So that's the situation. Due to the
short-sightedness of Old New York, New
New York is going to be destroyed by
a giant ball of garbage.
LEELA
Fry, what the hell were you people thinking
back then? How could you just throw
your garbage away?
FRY
Hey, hey, gimmie a break! What do you
do with it?
LEELA
We recycle everything. Robots are made
from old beer cans.
BENDER
Yeah! And this beer can is made outta
old robots.
LEELA
And that sandwich you're eating is made
of old discarded sandwiches. Nothing
just gets thrown away.
FRY
The future is disgusting.
LEELA
Typical 20th century attitude.
FRY
Hey! You have no right to criticise
the 20th century. We gave the world
the lightbulb, the steamboat and the
cotton gin.
LEELA
Those things are all from the 19th century.
FRY
Yeah, well, they probably just copied
us.
FARNSWORTH
Please! There's no time for this now.
This is an emergency. We must warn the
mayor.
[Citihall: Mayor's Office. The Mayor, a short balding man in
a green suit, sits behind his desk.]
POOPENMEYER
Garbage ball, huh? That sounds serious.
FARNSWORTH
Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer.
POOPENMEYER
I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific
fraud like global warming or second-hand
smoke. Send in my science advisor.
[Enter Wernstrom.]
FARNSWORTH
Wernstrom!
WERNSTROM
Well, well, well! Come to present your
latest napkin, Professor?
FARNSWORTH
No, I'm here because a giant trash ball
is heading straight for us. Smell for
yourself.
[Farnsworth wipes the Smellescope. Poopenmeyer sniffs and leaps
back.]
POOPENMEYER
Hey! Holy jeez!
WERNSTROM
That smell could be anything; A faulty
stench coil, some cheese on the lens,
who knows?
[A woman walks in with a cassette player.]
WOMAN
Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission
from Neptune.
MAN
Giant...garbage ball.....passed close
by...horrible stench......
WOMAN
The transmission cuts out there, sir.
No, I, guess it keeps going.
[The voice chokes again. The message cuts out.]
WOMAN
There we go.
POOPENMEYER
My God! The senile old man is right.
WERNSTROM
Do you mean him or me?
POOPENMEYER
Him!
[He points at Farnsworth. Wernstrom grumbles.]
[New New York Street. People are crowded around a shop watching
TV's through the window. On the TV, two newscasters present a
report. One is a blonde human woman wearing a pink suit and the
other is an alien that looks like one from This Island Earth.
He has a huge green head with veins poking out of it and big
eyes.]
LINDA
Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?
MORBO
Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings
were shocked today to learn that a ball
of garbage will destroy their pathetic
city of New New York.
LINDA
Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.
MORBO
Morbo agrees!
[They both laugh.]
[Citihall: Mayor's Office. A large hologram of the garbage ball
is projected in the middle of the room. A military man is there
with the others.]
LEELA
Can't we just shoot a missile at it?
MILITARY MAN
We've simulated that on a supercomputer
but the ball is just too damn gooey.
A missile would go right through it.
[The hologram shows a missile squelching through the garbage
ball.]
FARNSWORTH
But suppose we send a crew to plant
an explosive precisely on the fault
line betwen this mass of coffee grounds
and this deposit of America Online floppy
disks.
[The simulation explodes.]
MILITARY MAN
In theory, it could work.
WERNSTROM
Uh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never
find a crew willing to take on a mission
so suicidal-y dangerous.
[Farnsworth smiles and looks at his crew.]
BENDER
Oh, crap!
[Planet Express: Hangar. The crew are assembled in front of the
ship.]
FARNSWORTH
Now, you'll only have one chance to
destroy the ball. After that, it will
be so close to Earth that blowing it
up would cause garbage to rain over
the entire planet, killing billions.
BENDER
(ironic) Oh, boo-hoo!
FARNSWORTH
Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once
you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes
to get away.
LEELA
That's all? But --
FARNSWORTH
Now, now, there'll be plenty of time
to discuss your objections when and
if you return.
[The crew suit up in orange spacesuits and walk towards the ship.
Fry and Leela carry their helmets under their arms and Bender
carries his head under his.]
[The ship clears the atmosphere and flies towards the garbage
ball. It looks like the asteroid from Armageddon.]
[Ships Cockpit.]
LEELA
Odour at magnitude 8. Magnitude 12.
Magnitude 31. We're breaking up. Turn
on the anti-smell device.
[The sound of an air freshener goes off and the ship stops shaking.]
FRY
Hmm, sporty!
[Garbage Ball Surface. The ship cruises in and lands. The steps
go down, the door opens and the crew look around.]
FRY
Wow!
LEELA
Look at all this filth.
FRY
It's not filth. It's a glorious monument
to the achievements of the 20th century.
Look! A real Beanie Baby. Oh! A Mr.
Spock collector's plate! Some Bart
Simpson dolls!
[He runs over to a pile of them. Bender picks one up and pulls
the string.]
DOLL
Eat my shorts!
BENDER
OK (à la Homer Simpson) Mmm! Shorts!
LEELA
Fry, this stuff was garbage when it
was new. Let's blow it up already!
FRY
This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in
any random pile and find something great.
[He digs in a pile and comes out with a six pack holder around
his neck, like a seagull. Leela cuts him free.]
FRY
(gasping) Alright, let's get to work.
[Time Lapse. The crew walk across the surface, reading a map.]
LEELA
Let's see. If that's Hypodermic Ridge
then the bomb must go right here. Get
ready to run. We've got 25 minutes.
Uh, 15 minutes. 5 minutes. 6h minutes?
[Bender pulls the bomb out of the ground. He turns it upside
down.]
BENDER
There's your problem. The Professor
put the counter on upside-down.
LEELA
That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes,
it was set for 52 seconds.
[Fry screams.]
FRY
We're gonna die! (calmly) Right?
BENDER
Right!
[Fry screams again.]
[Time Lapse. The timer is at 19 seconds. Bender screams.]
BENDER
It's gonna blow!
[He throws it to Fry. Fry throws it back. Bender throws it at
Leela and it hits her helmet.]
LEELA
Hey, watch it! You'll put somebody's
eye out!
BENDER
OK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll
take care of this.
[Bender throws the bomb into space but it hits a passing comet
and bounces back into his hands. He throws it up again and it
explodes. The crew sigh with relief.]
FRY
We're saved!
LEELA
Yeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable
now. New New York is done for.
[They watch as the garbage ball moves closer to Earth. Bender
scratches his butt.]
[Outside Planet Express. A crowd of people stand on the street
with a banner saying "Welcome Home Heroes" with "Heroes" crossed
out and replaced with "Losers".]
[Citihall: Mayor's Office.]
LINDA
All in all, this is one day Mittens
the kitten won't soon forget!
[Morbo and Linda chuckle.]
MORBO
Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter
news, the city of New New York is doomed.
Blame rests with known human Professor
Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior
brain.
FARNSWORTH
Oh, how could I have put that bomb timer
on upside-down? I could swear I followed
the manual precisely. I'm a dried up
husk of a scientist. This is all my
fault.
FRY
No, it's my fault too. I'm sure I threw
out more than my share of that trash
up there. Also, one month my toilet
broke and it just went straight in the
garbage can. Leela was right. The people
of the 20th century were idiotic slobs.
Especially me.
POOPENMEYER
Enough! You all failed miserably. It's
time to put a real scientist in charge.
[Enter Wernstrom.]
FARNSWORTH
Wernstrom!
WERNSTROM
The very same.
POOPENMEYER
Dr. Wernstrom, can you save my city?
WERNSTROM
Of course. But it'll cost you. First
I'll need tenure.
POOPENMEYER
Done.
WERNSTROM
And a big research grant.
POOPENMEYER
You got it.
WERNSTROM
Also, access to a lab and five graduate
students, at least three of them Chinese.
POOPENMEYER
Um, alright done. What's your plan?
WERNSTROM
What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir,
suckers!
[He walks out.]
LEELA
That rat! Do something!
POOPENMEYER
I wish I could but, he's got tenure!
[New New York Street. People stop and stare into the sky as a
hamburger and other pieces of garbage plow through buildings.
A fish skeleton falls in front of Zoidberg. He checks to see
no one is looking and eats it.]
[Cut to: Citihall: Mayor's Office. A pizza slice splats against
the window.]
POOPENMEYER
It's time to take action. Stephanie,
cancel the maid for today. Have her
come tomorrow. Well, I'm out of ideas.
Anyone?
FARNSWORTH
Wait! If we could build an object the
exact size, density and consistency
of the garbage ball, it might just knock
the ball away without smashing it to
bits.
LEELA
But where can we find a substance the
exact density and consistency as garbage?
FARNSWORTH
Alas, I don't know.
FRY
Uh, what about garbage?
FARNSWORTH
Good Lord! A second ball of garbage!
That just might work!
POOPENMEYER
But garbage isn't something you just
find lying in the streets of Manhattan.
This city's been garbage-free for 500
years!
FRY
Then it's time to make some more.
POOPENMEYER
Make garbage? But how?
FRY
Stand back and watch the master! This
Slurm can. Now it's garbage. These
papers. Garbage. This picture of your
wife. Pure garbage. Now you try it.
[Poopenmeyer picks up a pencil and drops it on the floor.]
POOPENMEYER
By God, I think the boy's got something.
Come on, everyone! The fate of the city
is at stake!
[He turns a chair on it's side.]
FRY
Good! Don't finish that cruller, throw
it away Bender. Drink that beer and
drop the bottle on the ground. Very
nice.
POOPENMEYER
Get that robot some more beer! We've
trashed this room but that's just the
start. We've got to get Fry's message
to the people.
[Woman's Kitchen. Fry is on TV.]
FRY
People of New New York. Take a lesson
from the 20th century. Stop all this
pain-in-the-ass recycling and throw
your garbage on the floor.
[The woman scrapes her food onto the floor.]
[Man's Living Room.]
FRY
Go ahead. Just chuck it any old place
like I used to. Your city is counting
on you.
[The man empties his cats litter tray out of the window.]
[Printing Press. The newspapers are printed with the headline
"City Urged To Litter!" and the conveyor belt dumps them outside
the building.]
[Cut to: Outside Printing Press. They land in a heap and are
bulldozed away.]
[Launch Pad. The new garbage ball has been stuck on top of a
rocket. ]
FARNSWORTH
If my calculations are correct, this
garbage ball will knock the other garbage
ball directly into the sun.
WERNSTROM
And if my calculations are correct,
we're all going to die horribly.
[He laughs then realises what he's said.]
POOPENMEYER
Alright, places everyone. Prepare for
launch.
[Farnsworth counts down.]
FARNSWORTH
Five, four, three, two, three, four,
five, six...
LEELA
Just fire the damn thing.
[Fry tries to push the button but misses it.]
FRY
Oops!
[He pushes it again. The rocket takes off and heads towards the
other garbage ball. Fry's heart beats. Farnsworth's heart beats,
but a lot slower than Fry's. Bender's "heart" beats like a drum.]
[In space, the new garbage ball hits the old one and knocks it
away from the Earth. It slingshots around several planets and
flies into the sun.
[Launch Pad. Farnsworth sniffs through the Smellescope.]
FARNSWORTH
Burning garbage!
FRY
It worked!
[Everyone except Wernstrom cheers.]
[Outside Citihall. The Mayor and the Planet Express crew are
standing on the steps. Poopenmeyer is finishing a speech.]
POOPENMEYER
And so, on behalf of the entire city,
I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy prize,
which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom
after it became apparent that he was
a jackass.
[He hands Farnsworth the trophy.]
FARNSWORTH
Yes! In your face, Wernstrom!
WERNSTROM
I'll get you, Farnsworth. Even if it
takes me another hundred years.
[He and his five graduate students - three of them Chinese -
shake their fists.]
POOPENMEYER
And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt
as well. If not for your 20th century
garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried
under 20th century garbage.
[The crowd cheers.]
LEELA
Should we really be celebrating? I mean,
what if the second garbage ball returns
to Earth like the first one did?
FRY
Who cares? That won't be for hundreds
of years.
FARNSWORTH
Exactly! It's none of our concern.
FRY
That's the 20th century spirit!
[He and Farnsworth hold the award up and the crowd cheers and
applauds.]
[Closing Credits. We'll Meet Again from the film Dr Strangelove
Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb plays over
them.]
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