FUTURAMA
Episode 407
"A PHARAOH TO REMEMBER"
By
Ron Weiner
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Psst...Big Party At Your House After
The Show.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, Bender, Leela, Fry, Scruffy
and Amy are gathered around watching the TV.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Up next, daring daylight robbery at
a municipal swimming pool.
BENDER
Ooo! This is it! Turn me up!
[Leela uses the remote to change Bender's volume control to maximum.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Earlier today a foul mouthed bandit
robbed the municipal pool, making off
with the contents of over three lockers.
BENDER
More like three lockers and a sink!
LEELA
Bender? Did you have something to do
with this?
[Hermes notices something Bender is wearing.]
HERMES
Holy spitz! He's sportin' skintight
speedos!
AMY
They don't leave much to the imagination.
HERMES
Actually on a robot they sorta do.
MORBO [ON TV]
One puny human got a look at the robber...
[Bender leans forward and rubs his hands together.]
BENDER
Here we go here we go!
MORBO [ON TV]
...describing him as a short, nasty,
muscular...
BENDER
Yeah make me famous big head!
MORBO [ON TV]
...Caucasian human male.
[A picture appears on the screen of someone who looks nothing
like Bender.]
BENDER
What?
[He takes Fry's beer bottle and throws it at the TV.]
FRY
Hey! Now what am I supposed to watch
and drink all day?
BENDER
This is an outrage. What's the point
of pulling the biggest pool caper ever,
if nobody knows you did it?
FRY
Well there's the material rewards.
BENDER
You mean this junk?
[He opens his chest cabinet and water floods out along with a
beach ball, a float, a bikini top and a small child.]
BOY
Wheeee!
BENDER
(crying) All I ever wanted was for people
to remember my name... (hoarse) it's
Bender.
[Farnsworth, sat at the table, looks up from a book.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh fuff! What's the point in remembering
something? You're just going to forget
it five seconds later.
BENDER
(crying) It's so unfair. A debonair
robot with a zesty in-your-face outlook
doomed to obscurity like the rest of
you especially Leela! If I died tomorrow,
no one would even notice.
[He slides out of the room on the float.]
SCRUFFY
Boy, I've never seen him so down - or
ever before.
[Cut to: Street. Bender walks sadly down the busy street.]
BENDER
How does a nobody like me get famous?
I know! Hey look! I'm stuck! But I
haven't given up hope! Call a soft news
journalist!
WOMAN
You're not stuck.
BENDER
(sadly) Shut up.
[Time Lapse. Bender sees a group of roller-skaters ahead of him
dancing. Skates come out of his shoes and he starts dancing.]
BENDER
Hey everyone do The Bender! This move's
called The Bender!
[Everyone stops skating.]
ROLLER-SKATER
Yo hotwheels, this circle's about free
expression, not fascist moves!
[He pushes Bender away.]
[Time Lapse. Bender comes to the end of the street and sees a
white, windowless building ahead of him. He gasps.]
BENDER
A blank wall! Fame is mine!
[He runs towards the building, takes his head off and shakes
it like a spray-paint can. His legs extend upwards towards the
top of the building and he chuckles as he starts to spray his
legacy onto the wall.]
[Time Lapse. The next morning Bender stands back and admires
his work. He has sprayed a huge picture of himself onto the wall
along with "Bender Lives Large And Kicks Butt!"]
BENDER
There, now no one will forget how I
lived or my attitude regarding butt.
[Behind him a crew of demolition workers arrive.]
SAL
Alrights ladies let's flush these artists
lofts straights to hell!
[He turns a switch and cracks appear in the building.]
BENDER
(screaming) Nooo!
[The building collapses and Bender's picture folds inwards à
la Mad Magazine fold-ins. The picture of him has turned into
a giant butt and the writing reads "Bender Licks Butt." The demolition
crew laugh.]
[Planet Express: Attic. Bender enters the darkened lit only by
light streaming through the window.]
BENDER
I'm the first one to work. A new low.
[The lights go on and the crew, dressed in black, jump out from
behind the sofa.]
ALL
Surprise!
[Behind them is a coffin, a wreath, a bannner reding "R.I.P.
Bender" and a photo of one of Bender's mug shots.]
FRY
Happy funeral Bender!
[Bender gasps.]
BENDER
A surprise funeral? For me?
[Fry pats him on the shoulder.]
FRY
We just wanted to show you that you
really will be remembered.
[Bender climbs in.]
BENDER
Ooo! Cushiony! And a minibar!
[Hermes plays a jazzy tune and Fry stands in front of the congregation.]
FRY
Dearly beloved, we are here today to
remember Bender, taken from us in the
prime of life, when he was crushed by
a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible
Hulk.
BENDER
Aww, you knew my favourite cause of
death!
FRY
Now let us each remember the best things
about Bender in our own way. Professor?
[Farnsworth stands up and clears his throat.]
FARNSWORTH
Your standard Bending Unit is made of
an iron-osmium alloy. But Bender was
different. Bender has a point-04% nickel
impurity.
BENDER
(crying) It's what made me me.
[Hermes stands up and takes Farnsworth's place.]
HERMES
If you ever needed a small package brought
inot the country without a lot of X-raying
and such, Bender always had a free body
cavity.
BENDER
Eh, the Professor's was better.
LEELA
Bender shush. You're supposed to be
dead.
[Bender sits up.]
BENDER
Say more about how great I am. And where's
the crying? You people look like you're
waiting for the bus.
[He lies back. Zoidberg makes a bagpipe noise with his mouth
flaps.]
ZOIDBERG
(singing) Oh Danny-boy! The pipes, the
pipes are calling...!
[Bender sits up again.]
BENDER
Who-y-boy?
ZOIDBERG
(singing) ...From glen to glen and down
-
BENDER
Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing
about some dead stiff named Danny-boy?
You really are a massive bonehead.
ZOIDBERG
I'm expressing my sorrow.
BENDER
Get lost. I'd say "Don't quit your day
job!" but you're awful at that too.
LEELA
We're trying our best.
BENDER
Your best is an idiot. Let's pick it
up people. So far it's been crap after
crap! I croaked now show me some love!
[He lies down again. Amy stands up.]
AMY
Bender was a truly special -
BENDER
Louder and sadder.
AMY
(shouting) Bender was a truly special
-
BENDER
Next!
[Amy walks away crying. Preacherbot takes her place.]
PREACHERBOT
Dear Lord -
BENDER
Oh next!
ZOIDBERG
(singing) Oh Danny-boy!
[Bender throws his glass at him. It breaks on his head and Zoidberg
cries out in pain. Bender sits up.]
BENDER
Come on, surely there must be someone
here who knows how great I was.
[Fry stands up.]
FRY
Yes there is Bender. Bender was a lot
of things to a lot of people, but looking
back, the number one thing I can say
about him is this, and simply this:
Bender was my friend.
[Bender pauses in horror.]
BENDER
What? That's it? Who are you? You're
nobody! This is the worst funeral ever!
I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded
in convincing me life is worth living
- by showing how bad my funeral will
suck.
[He throws some flowers off the coffin and walks out. The flowers
land on Farnsworth's lap.]
AMY
I know who's funeral we'll be attending
next!
FARNSWORTH
(bashful) Oh stop!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits reading Sullen Robot Magazine
while Leela uses his hand to tighten a nut on the ship's steps.
Enter Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
News everyone! Today you're going to
Osiris 4 to deliver this enourmous sandstone
block.
[He points to a massive block right next to him that is bigger
than the ship.]
FRY
I thought something looked different
in here.
[Bender throws down his magazine, mutters to himself and walks
onto the ship.]
[The ship flies towards Osiris 4 with the sandstone block tied
to the top of the ship. It lands in a desert on the planet.]
[Osiris 4 Surface. Leela pulls the ropes away from the block.
Fry talks to an Osiran and two Egyptian dog-like creatures. The
man wears something similar to ancient Egyptian jewellery and
his hair looks like it is made of solid gold.]
FRY
Hi, we have a giant stone to deliver
- sign here.
[He hands the man a clipboard and he signs the invoice with an
ancient Egyptian heiroglyph.]
OSIRAN
Ah, very nice. Much like the 10 million
other identical stones used in the future
tomb of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
[He points to a sandstone building which is under construction.]
LEELA
Impressive, who's building it?
OSIRAN
You.
LEELA
Say again?
OSIRAN
You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh
Hermenthotip. Guards.
[The guards shackle the crew to a pole and carry them away.]
FRY
Call it a hunch but, I've got a bad
feeling about this.
[Slave Boat. The slaves row a boat down a river past other slaves.
The slaves are shackled to benches.]
FRY
You know the worst thing about being
a slave? They make you work but they
don't pay you or let you go.
LEELA
That's the only thing about being a
slave!
OSIRAN
Attention. You are now possessions of
the great Pharaoh Hermethotip, heir
to the 10th dynasty, bringer of the
good aspects of the annual floods.
FRY
Incredible. This place is just like
the Ancient Egypt of my day.
OSIRAN
That is no coincidence. For our people
visited your Egypt thousands of years
ago.
FRY
I knew it! Insane theories: one! Regular
theories: a billion!
OSIRAN
We learned many things from the mighty
Egyptians, such as pyramid building,
space travel and how to prepare our
dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
[Fry laughs.]
FRY
Also Wolfman!
[Bender whistles, impressed.]
BENDER
Look at these swanky tombs! These people
really know how to die!
LEELA
Are you crazy? They worked thousands
of people to death to make these stupid
monuments.
BENDER
Hey, you spend you're whole life building
a guy's toe and you're gonna remember
him! I think I'm gonna like it here!
[Market. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through the market with the
Osirian behind them. A man makes an enquiry at a Lose Weight
Now - Ask Me How stall.]
MAN #1
Yeah, I uh, noticed your sign and I
thought I'd come over here and look
into getting involved in your program.
MAN #2
What we do is make you starve to death.
[Outside Hermenthotip's Tomb. The slaves pulls the giant sandstone
block.]
OSIRAN
One two three - pull! One two three
- pull!
[He whips them again. The Australian man from the Spa 5 labour
camp is with them.]
AUSTRALIAN GUY
Aw, bloody chunder!
BENDER
Pick it up people, we're enslaved here
to do a job. Master? Do we have to count
to three every time? Couldn't we just
count to one. Or better yet one half?
OSIRAN
Good idea slave. One half - pull!
One half - pull!
[He whips them.]
BENDER
Now we're slavin'!
[Time Lapse. Fry pushes a block up the side of the tomb and Leela
pulls one up using a rope and a pulley. The Osiran stands on
top of the block and whips her as she pulls.]
[Time Lapse. Back at the bottom of the tomb they pull another
block.]
BENDER
Come on guy's, Pharaoh's countin' on
us. Work faster, like this. You call
that motivating me? Don't just whip
with your arms. The power comes from
your hips. Like this.
[He takes the whip and whips himself. The rest of the slaves
arrive with the block.]
LEELA
Bender, quit giving the slave drivers
pointers!
FRY
Yeah, remember who your real friends
are.
BENDER
I'll tell you who I remember. Enupsis!
Pleeltut! Whatsisname! He was the greatest
of all.
[He salutes the tomb. Some horns blow.]
OSIRAN
Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches.
[The slaves bow. The horn blowers are whipped and they blow again.
Hermenthotip's boat is carried from the water by slaves who were
underneath it the whole time. They gasp for air.]
BENDER
Hurry! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming! Get
that nose in place, come on!
[The slaves haul the nose onto the tomb. Hermenthotip walks off
the boat and the slaves bow. He walks past them and looks at
the tomb.]
HERMENTHOTIP
Excellent work! I am very proud of all
you slaves.
[Bender stands up and cheers.]
BENDER
Woohoo! Viva Hermenthotip!
HERMENTHOTIP
And now, I have a grand announcement.
In honour of your achievement, you're
all hereby -
[The nose falls off the tomb and crushes him. The slaves gasp.]
BENDER
(screaming) Nooo!
[He runs forward and lifts the nose away from the Pharaoh.]
HERMENTHOTIP
(hoarse) Tell the slaves they can all
go.
BENDER
Go faster? I told them but they're so
damn lazy.
HERMENTHOTIP
(hoarse) No. I mean they are all free.
BENDER
Freeloading off you? I agree.
HERMENTHOTIP
(hoarse) No, I -
[He dies. The slavedriver puts a sheet over his body.]
OSIRAN
Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
BENDER
(crying) He's whippin' angels now.
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen and hndreds of slaves are gathered
for Hermenthotip's funeral. Fry, Bender, Leela, the Australian
Guy and some other slaves carry Hermenthotip's coffin and lower
it into a hole.]
HIGH PRIEST
We commend the body of Hermenthotip
to the abode of the damned. The damned
good looking! Pharaoh commanded me
to tell that joke at his funeral.
BENDER
(crying) I'll always remember you Hermenthotip!
HIGH PRIEST
To equip Pharaoh for his journey we
bury him with his favourite possessions.
Such as his heart and liver. And the
many goods he left in his royal garage.
Also, this bag of cat's our culture
considers holy.
[He tosses that in too.]
[Time Lapse. An pseudo-Elton John singer plays a piano and sings
a song dedicated to the Pharaoh.]
SINGER
(singing) Pharaoh my God-king you are,
cold and deceased. I used to have him
sing...P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets...but
the years went by and Pharaoh died,
Suzie will have joined him in the afterlife
-
[The High Priest pushes him into the hole.]
OSIRAN
Hermenthotip is gone, the time to designate
a new Pharaoh is at hand.
[The tomb lights up.]
BENDER
Wow!
OSIRAN
At dawn tomrrow the high priest will
consult the Wall Of Prophecy to determine
Hermenthotip's successor.
[He points across the river at the wall which has been lit up.]
BENDER
Woo!
OSIRAN
That concludes the funeral. You don't
have to go home but you can't stay here.
[Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. The slaves sit around in a room.]
FRY
Can you believe it? Pharaoh's dead!
SLAVE #1
Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one
- except the rhythm!
[He starts playing some bongos. The Australian Guy stands up
and plays some panpipes and another slave plays a tamborine.]
LEELA
Yeah! Play those bongos!
FRY
I'm gonna spin til I fall down!
[It doesn't take long. Bender laughs insanely and sneaks out.]
[Cut to: Outside Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. Bender sees
the dog-guards, with their backs to him. He takes a ball out
of his chest cabinet and throws it. The dogs see it and run after
it, barking. Bender runs off in the opposite direction.]
[Wall Of Prophecy. Bender sneaks around to the front of it and
takes a hammer out of his chest cabinet.]
BENDER
We interrupt this prophecy to bring
you late breaking bulletin. He hammers
the back of his head and creates and
imprint of himself on the wall.
[Time Lapse. The next morning the High Priest and four others
stand in front of the wall and the slaves watch.]
HIGH PRIEST
Great Wall Of Prophecy, reveal to us
God's will that we will blindly obey.
PRIESTS
(chanting) Free us from thought and
responsibility.
HIGH PRIEST
We shall read things off you.
PRIESTS
(chanting) Then do them.
HIGH PRIEST
Your words guide us.
PRIESTS
(chanting) We're dumb.
[The slaves watch from below.]
FRY
You know what else stinks about being
a slave? The hours.
[Leela covers her face with her hand in disbelief.]
HIGH PRIEST
The prophecy is strange and...crudely
drawn at best. It indicates that, we
are "here" and our next Pharaoh is over
there near some...tents.
BENDER [FROM REEDS]
Those are waves jackass, it's supposed
to be a river!
[The slaves murmur to each other.]
FRY
Hey, I think I know who the next Pharaoh
is!
LEELA
Oh Lord!
HIGH PRIEST
We hear your voice great Pharaoh. Reveal
yourself to us.
[Bender stands up.]
BENDER
Behold! I have emerged from the place
of spells and fairies!
HIGH PRIEST
It is he. Just as the Wall Of Prophecy
prophesied. Long live Pharaoh Bender!
[All the slaves except Fry and Leela bow.]
SLAVES
(chanting) Long live Pharaoh Bender!
LEELA
This society is a bunch of idiots.
[Outside Pharaoh's Palace. The High Priest and priests stand
on a balcony addressing the slaves.]
HIGH PRIEST
People of Osiris 4, please welcome a
man who started as a slave but worked
his way up to lord of all creation!
Our new Pharaoh - Bender!
[The crowd cheers and Bender dances out to a riff of The Bangles'
Walk Like An Egyptian.]
BENDER
Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old
Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let
a whole new wave of cruelty wash over
this lazy land.
[The crowd cheers then realises what he has said.]
LEELA
What did he say?
BENDER
Hear the word of Pharaoh. Build unto
me a statue of ridiculous proportion.
One billion cubits in height......that
I might be remembered for all eternity.
And be quick about it!
[The slaves are whipped.]
[Bender's Statue. Fry and Leela crawl along the floor with Bender
sat on a throne on their backs. An old slaves struggles as he
pulls some logs.]
BENDER
Lowly slave. Why are you not working?
SLAVE #2
I am.
BENDER
I meant yourself to death.
SLAVE #3
Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
BENDER
Well then what do you think you should
stop doing? Crawl pigs!
[He whips them.]
LEELA
Ow!
[They crawl forward.]
BENDER
The Pharaoh has spoken.
[Montage The slaves haul Bender's statue's massive leg upright
à la The Ten Commandments as he watches from his palace. The
ground shakes as the leg is moved into position. He whips two
architects as they look at the design for the statue's ass. Fry
takes a "1" to a " - Days Since Last Accident" sign. But instead
of hammering the 1 on he hammers his hand to the sign. The 1
falls to the ground and Fry bends down to pick it up but can't
reach it.]
[The statue is almost finished. The statue's foot is positioned
so it looks like it is about to crush Hermenthotip's tomb. Up
in space the slaves, in spacesuits, lift Bender's antenna ball
to the top of the statue. Bender floats near them wearing a jet
pack.]
BENDER
Your task is nearly completed. Don't
let down Pharaoh now.
[He whips them and glides away.]
[Literal Foot Of Bender's Statue. A stage has been set up and
the Osirian and the priests stand next to something covered with
a sheet.]
OSIRAN
The great monument is finished oh Pharaoh.
And now, the unveiling.
[He pulls a sheet away revealing Bender underneath it. Bender
looks up at the statue. Skeletons are sticking out of the foot.
The statue speaks in a booming voice and it's mouth lights up
with each syllable.]
STATUE
Remember me. Remember me. Remember
me.
OSIRAN
Does it please you my lord?
BENDER
Hmm...its a good start. Uh...yeah it's
definately big alright. I just wonder
if it's too big y'know? I mean, are
people gonna be remembering me or the
statue?
HIGH PRIEST
But sire, we made it to your exact specifications.
BENDER
Too exact if you ask me. Tear it down
and start again. But this time don't
embarrass yourselves.
[He takes a sip of his drink. The Osiran walks behind him and
he and the priests mutter something to each other. They jump
forward and wrap Bender in bandages. The High Priest turns to
the crowd.]
HIGH PRIEST
Ladies and gentlemen, the Pharaoh...suddenly
died!
[The slaves cheer and the priests throw Bender into his tomb.]
LEELA
Good riddance.
BENDER [FROM TOMB]
What about my servants?
PRIEST
Oh yeah.
[They throw in Fry and Leela and seal the tomb.]
[Cut to: Bender's Tomb. Fry and Leela hit the hard floor. Leela
lights a match and Bender stands in front of the still wrapped
in the bandages.]
FRY
Bender, I really hope that's you. 'Cause
if it isn't......we're in trouble!
[Bender pulls som bandages away from his face.]
LEELA
You jerk. Why'd you have to drag us
along?
BENDER
I wanted to watch you remember me.
[He turns a light on. The entire tomb is fitted out like a casino.]
LEELA
Did you really think you'd need all
this junk in the afterlife?
BENDER
Afterlife? Pfft. If I thought I had
to go through a whole other life I'd
kill myself right now!
LEELA
Well rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving.
BENDER
Sorry but we're totally sealed in.
Nothing can get in or out. Except millions
of snakes. Here, have a pomergranate
scnapps from my private distillery and
start sharing fond memories of me, Bender.
[Fry drinks some but spits it out.]
FRY
What proof is this? Some huge number?
[Leela lights the drink and it explodes.]
LEELA
It's explosive! Maybe we could escape
by setting fire to the distillery and
blowing this whole place to rubble!
Let's get a little kindling going!
[She breaks away part of the leg and stacks the wood underneath
the distillery. Bender dives in front of her.]
BENDER
No! You can't blow up my monument, I
won't be remembered.
LEELA
Oh right, how selfish of me. We'll just
stay here forever. Hey Fry, remember
that robot "Bender"?
[She nudges him.]
FRY
Bend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. Did you
hear something Leela?
LEELA
No. But I bet it wasn't someone who
was good at stealing.
[Bender hits his head.]
BENDER
Stop it stop it! It's not right! You've
crossed a line!
FRY
Hey Leela you know who I remember...?
BENDER
Oh please, let it be me!
FRY
...That guy who used to bend things.
You know...?
BENDER
Me, please!
FRY
...Hermes.
BENDER
Alright alright! If it means that much
to you, blow up my statue!
LEELA
Oh Bender! When did you come in? Hold
still! Let's blow this tomb!
[She lights the bandage.]
[Cut to: Osiris 4 Surface. The statue starts to shake and the
foot splits apart. Bender, Leela and Fry run through the hole
and past some slaves.]
SLAVE #1
Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among
the living!
[They run up the ship's steps.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela presses some buttons and the ship
takes off. Bender looks at his statue through the windscreen
as the ship rises past it.]
STATUE
Remember me!
BENDER
(crying) I will. I will. Please, just
leave me alone.
[He turns around, hugs Leela and bursts into tears.]
LEELA
Bender, I understand your desire to
be remembered. But you don't need a
statue for that.
BENDER
(crying) I don't?
LEELA
No. You have your legacy as a brutal
tyrannical dictator. And that will outlive
any monument.
BENDER
You really think they'll remember me?
FRY
Absolutely.
BENDER
Well in that case. One planet down!
Helmsman...
[Cut to: Outside Ship.]
BENDER [FROM SHIP]
...set course for Earth!
[The ship flies towards a planet and he laughs insanely.]
LEELA [FROM SHIP]
That's not Earth.
BENDER [FROM SHIP]
Oh.
[The ship zooms away from the planet.]
THE END
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