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                                       Episode 504

                                  "A TASTE OF FREEDOM"


                                      Eric Horsted

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Or Is It?]

               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg dances and sings on the 
               table. Everyone else except Fry sits and claps along. Enter Fry.]
                         (singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom, 
               Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

                         There's no denying it: The future's 
                         crazy! Oh, well. Don't wanna stand out.
               [He gets on the table and sings and dances with Zoidberg.]

                                     FRY AND ZOIDBERG
                         (singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom, 
               Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

                         There's nothing crazy about it. It's 
                         just Freedom Day!
               [He warbles.]

               [Planet Express: Balcony. The staff celebrate Freedom Day with 
               their Freedom Day Party. Farnsworth drinks Slurm and Scruffy 
               blows a party blower. Amy sits on the railings eating a melon 
               while Fry and Bender stand next to her.]
                         ... an extremely dangerous mission ...
                         So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like 
                         some kind of feminine hygiene product.
               [Zoidberg walks over and puts his claw on Bender's shoulder.]
                         No, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day!
                         If you wanna do something, you do it! 
                         And to splick with the consequences!
               [She throws the melon rind over her shoulder and it hits something.]
                         You know? Like how I live every day.
               [He sticks his leg out and trips up Hermes. His bones crack as 
               he lands. Everyone laughs.]
                         Happy Freedom Day! Ooh! I think my wrist 
                         is broken.
                         Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day 
                         without the traditional Freedom Tub!
               [He presses a button and a hole in the floor opens revealing 
               a hot-tub. Everyone reacts with excitement. Hermes dips his finger 
                         Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered 
               [The staff start to undress around Fry. He gasps.]

                         Wow! Nude hot-tubbing? That's all I 
                         need to hear about Freedom Day!
                         Then consider the following lecture 
                         a bonus: On Earth, freedom is a given. 
                         But on my planet, we have to suffer 
                         for it.
               [Flashback. Child Zoidberg wears a hat and comical specs with 
               attached mouth flaps. A Decapodian woman is with him.]
                                     DECAPODIAN WOMAN
                         Sure, you can be a comedian instead 
                         of a doctor -- If you want your parents 
                         to roll over in their graves!
               [Later, grown-up Zoidberg is at a polling station.]

                                     DECAPODIAN MAN
                         Sure. You can vote for Shkinadel -- 
                         If you want there should be a recession!
               [Zoidberg turns away sadly. Back at his home, Zoidberg is holding 
                                     DECAPODIAN WOMAN
                         Sure. You can go to medical school -- 
                         If you've given up on your dream of 
                         being a comedian!
               [Zoidberg turns away sadly.]

               [Flashback ends.]

                         That's why I love Earth! You can do 
                         what you want, and no-one makes you 
                         feel guilty because no-one cares.
               [Fry is in the hot-tub with everyone else.]

                         (shouting) We're not listening!

                         That's what I'm talking about!

               [The ship flies over Washington D.C. (Rededicated to Washington 
               the Sweathog, 2475). It flies over the Reflecting Pool where 
               people bathe and lands in front of the Fxjkhr Monument. A banner 
               has been hung up on it with "Freedom Day-- Express Yourself" 
               printed on it. Underneath, a man has painted "I Hate My Job".]
               [Washington D.C. Street. There is a parade. Vehicles carrying 
               DOOP missiles float along the street. One has a "Boy Scout Troop 
               #254" banner on it. The one behind has "Top Secret Do Not Look" 
               on it. People on stilts walk by chanting the Freedom song.]
                                     STILT PEOPLE
                         (chanting) Freedom, freedom, freedom, 
                         oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
               [The Fighting Dukaki drive past. On the pavement, Bender and 
               other staff push their way to the front of the crowd. Bender 
               is wearing a cowcatcher.]
                         Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train 
                         arriving on track one.
               [He imitates a train whistle.]

                         Ow! You broke my foot!


               [In the commentary box, Morbo and Linda watch the parade go by.]
                         What's this next float, Linda?

                         Representing our men, women and children 
                         in uniform, it's Earth's greatest space 
                         hero, Zapp Brannigan!
               [Zapp and Kif are in a rocket float. Zapp waves to the crowd.]
                         Happy Freedom Day, ladies!  Come on, 
                         let loose and show me something!  Anything. 
                         Seriously, I'd take an armpit.  Oh, 
                         yeah! Thank you, Linda!
               [He throws some beads. Linda pulls her top down and catches the 
                         You're welcome! OK, Morbo, now it's 
                         your turn.
                         If that is your Freedom Day wish.

               [He lifts his shirt and Linda screams.]

               [Fxjkhr Monument. A band plays Hail to the Chief and a man very 
               slowly carries Nixon's head and places it on a podium. Crowds 
               are gathered in front of the monument.]
                         Thank you, Secretary of Transportation. 
                         My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much 
                         freedom, it's almost sickening. We're 
                         free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring 
                         chip is implanted in. And if we don't 
                         want to pay our taxes, why, we're free 
                         to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
                                     PAIN MONSTER
                         See you April 15th, folks!

                         Cue the fireworks guy!  Incidentally, 
                         tonight's Freedom Day celebration is 
                         brought to you by ...  ... "Shankman's 
                         Rubbing Compound". When something needs 
                         rubbing, think "Shankman".
               [The crowd cheers.]

                         Yay! Shankman!

                         It costs a little more but it's worth 
                         Our planet has been through so much 
                         this past year: Wars, droughts, impeachments! 
                         But we've never lost our sense of what's 
                         truly important: The great taste of 
                         "Charleston Chew"!  And now, let us 
                         salute that beloved symbol of freedom, 
                         our flag, Ol' Freebie!
               [Earth's flag comes down. Zoidberg wipes his mouth.]

                         I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!
               [Fireworks explode.]

                         In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, 
                         with proud upthrust bosoms!
                         Anyone who laughs is a Communist!

                         Knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward, 
                         we will see by the rocket's red glare, 
                         that our flag is still there.  It's 
               [Zoidberg tears the flag, eats it and belches. The crowd gasp. 
               Zoidberg steps forward.]
                         Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag. 
                         And I did it with pride. For to express 
                         oneself with doing a thing is the very 
                         essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet 
                         and all its wonderful people!
               [Crickets chirp.]

                         (shouting) Kill him! Kill the traitor!
               [The crowd rush onto the platform and Zoidberg squeals.]

               [Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg scuttles around a corner, wooping 
               and being chased by the crowd. He runs past a man spraying "Earth 
               Sux" on a mailbox.]
                         Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our 
               [The crowd run past.]

                         Stop that red menace!

               [Cut to: Embassy Row. Zoidberg runs past the grey Neutral Planet 
               Embassy, the pretty Klingon Embassy and the Globetrotter Homeworld 
               Embassy. He tires and stops running and wooping.]
                         I'm all scuttled out!  Huh? My planet's 
                         embassy? They're paid to not kill me! 
               [He jumps into the moat around the embassy and swims over.]
               [Decapodian Embassy. The angry crowd are outside, shouting. Zoidberg 
               is inside, sat across a desk from Ambassador Moivin, a man and 
               a woman. The curtains close.]
                         I thought I understood this world. I 
                         thought I was fitting in. But I guess 
                         I don't belong on here anymore than 
                         I belong on our crappy home planet-- 
                         Ooh, sorry.
                                     DECAPODIAN MAN
                         What sorry? Our planet stinks, we all 
                         know it.
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         Enough with the persecution, I'm saying. 
                         Zoidberg, as Ambassador, I promise you 
                         the full support of our government already.
                                     DECAPODIAN WOMAN
                         Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug 
               [Zoidberg nods.]

                         Ambassador Moivin, you and your staff 
                         are so kind. I'm truly humbled.  What, 
                         no marshmallows?
               [Cut to: Outside Decapodian Embassy.]

                         Let's storm the place ... without my 
                         prior knowledge.
               [The Planet Express staff push through again.]

                         Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train, 
                         step aside. You too, fatso. Freedom!
                         Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not 
                         like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated 
                         a flag. You might even find the image 
                         of it festering in his bowels somehow 
                         offensive. But the right to freedom 
                         of expression is guaranteed by the Earth 
                         Aroo! Maybe so. But I know a place where 
                         the constitution doesn't mean squat.
               [Supreme Court.]

                                     MYRTLE FU
                         The Supreme Court hereby accepts the 
                         case of Earth vs Zoidberg.
                         Sock it to 'em!

               [Newspaper Headline: "Lobster Trial Nears". Underneath is a sub-headline: 
               "Mobster Trial Nears".]
               [Outside Decapodian Embassy. There is a protest rally.]

                         (chanting) Two, four, six, eight,

               Eating the flag is bad.

                                     SCOUT LEADER
                         Now your noose knot has exactly seven 
               [A man plays a guitar.]

                         (singing) You can eat my dog,

               You can eat my truck,

               But you eat my flag,

               And you're outta luck!

               She's a-wavin' proud around the world,

               From Dallas to Fort Worth,

               Let me say it again,

               [A truck toots.]

                         (chanting) Don't mess with Earth!

                         They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.

                         Pft. Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before 
                         it was cool.
                         Where are we ever going to find a lawyer 
                         to take his case?
                         I'll ask the head of the ACLU. Once 
                         he's done singing.
                         (singing) Don't mess with Earth. (talking) 
                         Kill Zoidberg! Goodnight!
               [Old Man Waterfall is behind them.]

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         Howdy there! I'm a lawyer and I'd like 
                         to help your friend out of his pickle.
                         Who are you, old man?

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         Name's Old Man Waterfall. But most folks 
                         just call me "Old Man".
                         I'll never remember that.

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         I'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name 
                         a body part and a planet and I've taken 
                         a bullet in it, on it. All to keep our 
                         flag flying free.
                         And you wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you 
                         familiar with the old robot saying "Does 
                         Not Compute"?
                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         Son, to me a robot's just a garbage 
                         can with sparks comin' out it.
                         (sad) The sparks keep me warm.

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did 
                         but I'll fight tooth and nail for his 
                         freedom to do it. Or I would if I hadn't 
                         lost my teeth and nails on Mars and 
                         Saturn respectively.
                         Wait, you're a lawyer? You're hired!
               [Supreme Court. A hologram of Zoidberg appears on a table. The 
               Planet Express staff sit in the front row.]
                         You OK there in the embassy, Zoidberg?
                         No. There's no coaco marshmallows and 
                         every night the rats eat a little more 
                         of my foot.
                         Oyez, oyez, oyez. All rise for the Honourable 
                         Chief Justice, Myrtle Fu, and the associate 
               [Sal pulls in several heads in jars and the Chief Justice.]
                                     MYRTLE FU
                         Counsel, you may address the court on 
                         behalf of Earth, if you're ready.
                         I was hatched ready! Honourable judge 
                         heads, yonder crawdad done ate up our 
               [He points at Zoidberg.]

                         I was doing freedom of speech. Earth's 
                         most sacred right.
                         Your Honour, freedom of speech applies 
                         to what comes out of a mouth. Not what 
                         goes in.
                         Can counsel cite precedent?

                         Uh, yes darlin', I can. In "State Of 
                         Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana", chewin' 
                         the corners off the constitution was 
                         deemed "nonprotected speech".
                         He shut you up, O'Connor.

               [He laughs.]

                                     MYRTLE FU
                         Mr. Waterfall, you may now present arguments 
                         on behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.
                         Oh, God, I'm nervous. Two of my three 
                         hearts are having attacks.
               [Bender laughs.]

                         Court's kinda fun when it's not my ass 
                         on the line! Nachos?
               [He offers some around. Old Man Waterfall gets up.]

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         Oh, land-o-Goshen! Your Honours, I'm 
                         not some slick, big-city lawyer like 
                         my opponent here.  But I am a veteran 
                         who has fought for his planet. You see 
                         this hand of mine?
                         Yes, I do.

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         No, you don't  'Cause I lost my real 
                         hand plantin' the flag when we took 
                         back Halley's Comet! Yet it was worth 
                         it. So much do I love that flag.  I 
                         love it even more than I love my seven 
                         wives. That's right, I'm a polygamist. 
                          Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself, 
                         had I not used my intestine as a rope 
                         to hoist a flag made of my own skin, 
                         if it would protect the freedoms of 
                         the proud people who salute that flag. 
                          Freedom such as polygamy.  I rest my 
                         case.  Whoa, jeez!
                                     MYRTLE FU
                         The justices and I will now confer using 
                         high-speed telepathy.  By a vote of 
                         six to three, we find that flag eating 
                         is not protected by the constitution.
               [The court gasps.]

                         Six to three? I beat the spread!

                                     MYRTLE FU
                         The court orders an immediate public 
                         Apology accepted. Just don't let it 
                         happen again.
                         She means you, you turkey of the sea!
                         Me? Apologise? Never! I came to this 
                         planet to learn the meaning of freedom. 
                         But I say it's you who should get a 
                         nice lesson! So do your worst, because 
                         no punishment could be worse than denying 
                         my freedom.
                                     MYRTLE FU
                         You are hereby sentenced to death.
                         Wait, let me finish!

               [The court gasps.]

                                     MYRTLE FU
                         Also, in a rare double-whammy decision, 
                         the court finds polygamy constitutional.
               [The court boos.]

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         I can't wait to tell my husband!

               [The court boos louder.]

               [Outside Decapodian Embassy. DOOP soldiers, led by Zapp, stand 
               by the moat.]
                         Remember, men: Take him alive so there's 
                         something left to kill.
               [The troops use a battering ram on the door. The Ambassador and 
               Zoidberg run onto the balcony above.]
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         Stay back! This embassy is sovereign 
                         mud of the mud planet Decapod 10. Invading 
                         these mud premises is an act of war.
                         Yeah? Well what are you going to do 
                         about it, Shrimp-y?
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         You wanna see, Mr. Big-Shot?  Attack 
                         Earth.  Yes I know it's a schlep. Just 
                         do it!
               [The DOOP soldiers look up at the sky but nothing happens. Some 
               clear their throats. Eventually, several Decapodian ships come 
               screeching down from the sky. The ships have crustacean-like 
               pincer claws at the front.]
                         Aha! Now the rubber band's on the other 
                         Ready? Retreat!

               [The soldiers run for it.]

               [Washington D.C. Street. People run away as she ships swoop over 
               the top of them. One cuts the legs off the stilt people and another 
               grabs a ship and "eats" it. A third cuts the top off the Clinton 
               [Cut to: Outside Library of Congress. Fry, Leela and Bender run 
               inside, screaming, and shut the doors.]
                         (from library) Sh!

               [They scream quietly.]

               [Cut to: Decapodian Embassy Balcony.]

                         Deny my freedom, will you? Well we'll 
                         do to you what we did to the Squash 
                         Men of the Squash Planet! Squish them!
               [He laughs.]

                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         Charleston Chew?

                         You bet!

               [Washington D.C. Decapodian ships fly around, blowing things 
               up. The Nimbus flies over the White House.]
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches the mayhem on the viewscreen.]
                         Alright, Kif, let's show these freaks 
                         what a bloated, runaway military budget 
                         can do. Bring me the activation codes 
                         for our global defence network.
                         (unenthusiastic) Aye, aye, sir.

               [He drags a computer over to Zapp and it stretches his arm. Zapp 
               pushes a button.]
                                     COMPUTER VOICE
                         Commence lip identification scan.  No 
               [The computer beeps and opens up. Zapp takes a disc out of it.]
                         We can't be too careful with these codes. 
                         Rumour has it a double agent may be 
                         aboard this very ship.  I'm watching 
                         you! You, ensign? What's your name?
               [The ensign is a Decapodian wearing a wig, a DOOP uniform and 
               oven gloves over his claws. He salutes.]
                         Hugh Man, sir!

                         Hugh Man? Now that's a name I can trust. 
                         Run down to the central battle computer 
                         and enter these codes. Chop, chop!
               [The Decapodian takes the disc from Zapp and scuttles out.]
                         Um, sir? There's something about that 
                         ensign that's--
                         You're damn right there is! That strapping 
                         young lad's gunning for your job. And 
                         he just might get it.
               [Kif turns around and sees the Decapodian fly a small ship towards 
               a Decapodian ship on the viewscreen. He sighs.]
               [The Decapodian ship flies towards the Nimbus with its claws 
               at the ready.]
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

                         The enemy approacheth! Lieutenant, fire 
                         missile one and recommend me for another 
                         medal. Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing 
                         later.  Tick, tock!
                         Sir, all planetary defences have been 
                         disabled. Perhaps the Decapodians acquired 
                         our secret codes, somehow.
                         Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. 
                         Steady, steady ... now!
               [Kif screams.]

               [The Decapodian ship grabs the Nimbus and cuts it in half. The 
               front part falls towards the ground. Zapp and Kif scream. It 
               hits the ground.]
               [Newspaper Headline: "Handsome Invaders Defeat Earth". A sub-headline 
               reads "Post Names New Editor" and a picture of a Decapodian.]
               [Slave Camp. People are chained to each other by their ankles. 
               They pass buckets along the line and empty it on a big pile of 
                         Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love 
                         freedom and then enslave all of Earth?
                         Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom 
                         until it learns what it is to not have 
                         freedom. It's a lesson, I say.
               [A Decapodian soldier pinches Fry's chest with a pincer spear.]

                         What the hell is this dirt pile we're 
                         building anyhow?
                         None of your beeswax, slave! You'll 
                         find out soon enough. Just focus on 
                         globing that mud. (shouting) Glob!
               [The slaves get back to work. Zoidberg and the soldiers leave.]
               [Outside Capitol Building. Fry, Leela, Bender, Kif and Zapp sit 
               on the steps at night as Decapodian ships fly overhead. A banner 
               reading "Under New Management" has been hung over the door.]
                         I'm no good at being a slave. I'm thinking 
                         about graduate school. Y'know? To become 
                         a barber?
                         This can't go on. Today is the day we 
                         fight back!
                         It's already 10 o'clock!

               [Leela checks her watch.]

                         Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day 
                         we fight back.
                         Yeah? Well good luck, sister. All our 
                         modern technology is useless.
                         I know I am.

               [He goes to sleep.]

                         Hey, wait! I'm having one of those things. 
                         You know? A headache with pictures?
                         An idea?

               [Fry nods his head.]

               [Museum Of Ancient Weaponry. A banner outside advertises "Nuns 
               And Nunchucks: Mother Teresa's Secret Arsenal". Inside, Fry, 
               Bender, Leela, Kif and Zapp pass the world's biggest rolling 
               pin, a spear (circa 2256), Dillinger's semi-automatic salad shooter, 
               and a sharkapult.]
                         Back in my day, we didn't have your 
                         fancy all-digital weapons but we still 
                         managed to kill each other just fine.
                         Ah, the crossbow. A pitiless, elegant 
                         killing machine. The Bender of the 15th 
                         Not big enough. We need something that 
                         can take out an entire army. Something 
                         you could commit a war crime with--
               [He sees something and gasps. Leela, Kif, Zapp and Bender see 
               it too.]
                         Wow!  Ow!

               [Park. Moivin gives a speech to the slaves from a stage. Zoidberg 
               stands to one side of him.]
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         Earth slaves, behold the fruit of your 
                         labours: The Mobile Oppression Palace.
               [A huge crab-like contraption with the mud from the day before 
               dumped on top of it scuttles behind the stage. The slaves gasp.]

               [He takes a photo.]

                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         I don't need to tell you that occupation 
                         forces are expensive. But with the Mobile 
                         Oppression Palace, a few dignitaries 
                         can oppress your entire planet for pennies 
                         a day.  Warships, dismissed!
               [The Decapodian ships turn skyward and fly away. The Mobile Oppression 
               Palace scuttles away from the park.]
               [Cut to: Washington DC Street. It bashes down a sign for Johnson's 
               Collapsible Top Hats, squeezes and E-Z Squeeze Accordion sign 
               and tries to karate-chop a Hair King Unbreakable Combs sign. 
               It doesn't work. The Palace tries again three times but can't 
               break it so it just pushes the sign over. Old Man Waterfall runs 
               in front of the Palace waving Ol' Freebie.]
                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         Do your worst, you sea devils! I'll 
                         make my stand with Ol' Freebie. You 
                         can crush me but you can't crush my 
                         spirit!  Argh! My spirit!
               [The Palace lifts its claw. Frieda Waterfall runs from the crowd 
               to Old Man Waterfall.]
                                     FRIEDA WATERFALL
                         Great Grandpa, no!  Another victim of 
                         the mano-centric male-ocracy.
               [Cut to: Park.]

                         Ambassador Moivin, you killed my lawyer.
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         You're welcome.

                         He defended my freedom when no-one else 
                         would. He was a good and honourable 
               [Cut to: Washington DC Street.]

                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         I request a Satanic funeral.

               [The crowd boos.]

               [Cut to: Park.]

                         Is it possible that all this slavery 
                         and oppression is shmutzing up our freedom 
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg. (shouting) 
                         Begin again with the crushing!
               [Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Palace picks up a car and 
               throws it across at a crowd of people.]
               [Cut to: Park.]

                         You haven't won yet, Moivin! You didn't 
                         expect us to even go to a museum, much 
                         less steal this ancient heat-seeking 
                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         I don't even know you.

               [Fry presses a button. Behind some trees the heat-seeking missile 
               launches. It flies behind Fry, Leela and Bender towards the Mobile 
               Oppression Palace.]
               [Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Decapodians on the balcony 
                                     DECAPODIAN WOMAN
                         Oh, it's gonna make such a mess!

               [The Palace ducks and the missile passes over it. It comes back 
               and flies around it a few times. The Decapodians sigh with relief.]
               [Cut to: Park.]

                                     AMBASSADOR MOIVIN
                         This is your secret plan? Meh! Heat-seeking 
                         missiles are useless against the Mobile 
                         Oppression Palace. All Decapodian technology 
                         is cold-blooded, like us!
               [The Palace closes in on a crowd of people.]

               [Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg picks up the flag Old 
               Man Waterfall was holding.]
                         All eyes on Zoidberg!  Ew!

               [He shakes the flag and the hand flies off. He takes Bender's 
                         Hey, I need that to smoke!

               [Zoidberg sets fire to the flag. The crowd gasps. Zoidberg waves 
               the flag around, fanning the flames.]
                         Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think 
                         you were cool.
                         Wait! People of Earth, listen. Yes, 
                         I'm desecrating a flag. But to preserve 
                         the freedom it represents!
               [He throws the flag like a javelin at the Mobile Oppression Palace. 
               The heat-seeking missile detects it and flies towards it. The 
               Decapodians scream and leap from the balcony. The Palace explodes 
               and splatters the crowd with mud. They cheer.]
                         Zoidberg, you set us free! I feel like 
                         I could stand to hug you! I can't, but 
                         you know what I'm trying to say.
                         (chanting) Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!
                         Ah, if only they appreciated freedom 
                         this much on my home planet. Wait a 
                         second! They do! Because this is my 
                         home planet.
               [Outside capitol Building. Nixon gives a speech.]

                         And now, to raise this beautiful new 
                         flag, a red lobster that won't ruin 
                         your dinner: Dr. John Zoidberg!
               [Enter Zoidberg. The crowd cheers. The Secretary of Transportation 
               hands Zoidberg a new flag. He unfolds it.]
                         You're a nice man, Nixon.

                                     SCOOP CHANG
                         Dr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a 
                         bite of the flag for tomorrow's papers?
                         Oh, I couldn't.

                         No, no, no, go ahead. You've earned 
                         Well, maybe just a taste.  Mmm! Now 
                         that's a grand old flag!  I wonder what 
                         the Shroud of Turin tastes like.
               THE END


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