FUTURAMA
Episode 515
"BENDER SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON TV"
By
Lewis Morton
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. A remix is performed by the cast in their character
voices. Caption: Controlling You Through A Chip In Your Butt
Since 1999.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. All My Circuits is on the TV.]
[Calculon sits at his desk in his office with his face buried
in his hands. His son Antonio sits on the other side. Weepy soap
opera music plays.]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Why Antonio?
[Very dramatic music plays. The previously montage fades to a
bedroom where Monique has yet another passionate affair with
Boxy. Enter Calculon. Monique pulls the sheets over her.]
MONIQUE [ON TV]
Calculon?! But I thought you were -
CALCULON [ON TV]
Egyptian?!
[More dramatic music. The scene changes to Monique and Antonio
on a yacht. Monique is pointing a laser at Antonio.]
MONIQUE [ON TV]
Before I kill you, I must ask you one
question. Who am I? For I have...amnesia!
[Even more dramatic music. The scene changes to a room. Monique,
Antonio and Human Friend sit on a couch and two other robots
stand behind. Calculon stands in front looking at them all.]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Let me get this straight. Does anyone
here not have amnesia?
[The rest murmur in confusion.]
MONIQUE [ON TV]
Not sure.
HUMAN FRIEND [ON TV]
I 'unno.
[And the same dramatic music. In the Planet Express lounge Cubert
and Dwight are sat watching All My Circuits with Fry, Leela and
Bender.]
CUBERT
This show is awesome! When I grow up
I'm gonna have so much amnesia!
DWIGHT
Me too. I mean, I have it now, but I
forgot.
CUBERT
Well mine's louder!
BENDER
Cram a ham in it you twerps! Sorry!
FRY
Nah, I had it coming.
[On the TV Calculon's birthday party is in full swing.]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Welcome swingers. Pull up a groove and
get fabulous!
MONIQUE [ON TV]
Nude rocks bands, big piles of what
I assume is talcum powder, it's quite
a birthday party Calculon.
CUBERT
Cool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday
party just like Calculon!
DWIGHT
Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna show up looking
good. Just like Monique.
LEELA
Do you two have to imitate everything
you see on TV?
CUBERT
Um, we're 12, so, yes.
DWIGHT
Hold up Cubert, you're a clone of the
Professor. Do clones even have birthdays?
CUBERT
Well duh!
DWIGHT
"Duh" what?
[Cubert looks puzzled.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Hermes, wearing
goggles and gloves, poke something in a crate with rakes. Enter
Cubert and Dwight. Hermes puts the lid on the crate.]
CUBERT
Dad? Do I have a birthday?
FARNSWORTH
Hmm, you didn't have a birth so technically,
no. Oh, don't feel bad. We can celebrate
the day I extracted you from the cloning
tank. Or the day I scraped that DNA
from that growth on my back.
CUBERT
Ooo, that one!
FARNSWORTH
Ah yes. It was 13 years ago next week.
I used this very fork.
[Hermes takes it.]
HERMES
Aww well isn't that - ew!
[He drops it when he realises what he is saying.]
DWIGHT
Hey, next week'll be my birthday too.
HERMES
That's true. If only there were a way
to have one party for both of you here
at the office then write it off as a
business expense. Wait! I thought of
a way! The way I just said!
CUBERT
Yeah!
DWIGHT
Way to go pops!
[They hug their dads.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert and Dwight run back in
and leap on the couch. On the TV Calculon and Monique are bathing
in some pink stuff.]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Oh Monique, why did we wait so many
years to bathe in champagne?
[He scoops some up in a glass and drinks it. Antonio comes crashing
in through the ceiling wearing a parachute. He hits the ground
with a thump.]
ANTONIO [ON TV]
Father, I've discovered the shocking
secret mother has kept from you for
200 years.
MONIQUE [ON TV]
No! No!
ANTONIO [ON TV]
Brace yourself. For when I speak these
words you may well suffer an attack
of explosive amnesia. For you see, the
horrible secret is -
[He stops talking and starts to fizzle. His pupils go crazy and
he starts groaning. Monique and Calculon glance at each other
in confusion.]
BENDER
Whoever's directing this is a master
of suspense!
[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. Antonio fizzles on the set
while Calculon and Monique are still in the tub. Sal and two
other guys walk onto the set. Sal hits Antonio twice with a hammer
then leans on him and talks to the other two.]
SAL
He's busteds. Lets get hims outta heres.
[They pick him up and carry him away. He continues groaning.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The TV changes to static then
a still image of a robot with one of his eyes popped out and
the message "Oops! Broken Actor."]
[The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except
sit, hypnotising his audience.]
FRY
This show's been going downhill since
season three.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. A "Happy Growth-Scraping Day"
banner has been strung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and
Amy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers.
Enter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]
ZOIDBERG
Look who's here everyone! It's Zoidberg,
the lovable tramp!
[Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]
LEELA
Since when are you performing at children's
parties?
ZOIDBERG
Performing? What? Please, if someone
could spare me money to buy shoes -
[The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]
DWIGHT
This party pukes.
CUBERT
Yeah! The guests were supposed to be
here three hours ago.
FARNSWORTH
Well that doesn't mean that no one is
coming and that you two are total losers.
Who gave you that idea?
[The doorbell rings.]
DWIGHT
All right! They must've all come as
a group.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight stand by side
door.]
CUBERT
Welcome swingers! Pull up a groove and
get fabulous!
[He chuckles and opens the door. No one is there. He hears a
squeaking and looks down. Tinny Tim hobbles towards the door
with a green envelope.]
TINNY TIM
Good day fellows. Someone dumped this
invitation in my begging cup. Happy
growth-scraping day to all!
[Cubert and Dwight sigh.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the crew are gathered
around with glasses and food. Hermes, LaBarbara and Farnsworth
talk.]
HERMES
Fire 'em all.
FARNSWORTH
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
[Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sit around the table, bored. Enter
Bender with the TV.]
BENDER
(gasping) Guys, guys something's happening
on television again.
[He puts the TV on the table and plugs the plug into his ass
socket. The TV flickers on just in time for Entertainment And
Earth Invasion Tonite. Morbo and Linda sit in the studio. The
studio backdrop features flying saucers hovering over the Hollywood
sign.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Welcome to Entertainment And Earth Invasion
Tonite. Across the galaxy my people
are completing the mighty space fleet
that will exterminate the human race!
But first, this news from Tinseltown.
[Footage of Antonio's breakdown appears behind Linda.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Following Antonio Calculon Jr's breakdown
on set, the popular TV show All My Circuits
will hold an open casting call for child
robots to replace him.
BENDER
An open casting call for child robots?
Tinny Tim? Are you thinkin' what I'm
thinkin'?
TINNY TIM
What's that sir?
BENDER
That I, Bender, am perfect for the role!
TINNY TIM
You raised my hopes and dashed them
quite expertly sir! Bravo!
[Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender, Leela and Fry
sit in a room filled with childbots.]
LEELA
Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will
only get you so far. There's a lot of
famous child acting units here.
FRY
Look, there's Macaulay Culckon.
[He points at a spotty little robot whos hands are permanently
attached to his face and has a permanent shocked expression like
Macaulay Culkin's face in the posters for Home Alone and Home
Alone 2: Lost In New York.]
LEELA
He's just not cute since he got puberty
installed.
FRY
Psst. There's that robot child actor
who grew up an robbed a convenience
store!
LEELA
And there's that robot child actor who
grew up and became a convenience store!
[The robberbot puts some cash into the 7^11 vending machine.]
ROBBERBOT
Lottery ticket please.
[The 7^11 machine prints out the ticket. A woman walks out of
the casting office.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
We're ready for the first audition.
(reading) Emoteitron Jr?
[The robot gets up and his mother stops him.]
MOMBOT
Hold on precious, let's make you look
nice for the lady. What's this? What
did I tell you? No more hanging wires!
[All My Circuits Casting Office. Emotitron Jr stands in front
of the table where the casting director and Calculon are sat.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
In this scene, you've just found out
your real father is Calculon's fourth
evil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez.
OK...take us there!
[The robot looks at his script.]
EMOTITRON JR
Now that I know the truth father, I
must ride south and join the robo-banditos
at Veracruz.
CALCULON
Well, I thought he was good but the
audience seems to have turned on him.
CASTING DIRECTOR
But I don't think -
CALCULON
Next!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen and Macaulay Culkon is auditioning.]
MACAULAY CULKON
...at Veracruz, so, if you'll kindly
hand me my poncho -
CALCULON
Sorry kid you're flailing out there.
90 actors and they all got boo-ed.
I just wish we could get this Bender
I keep hearing about. They say he's
the greatest.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Well there is a robot named Bender here
but he's much too old -
CALCULON
Send him in forthwith!
[Cut to: Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender is right
outside the door.]
BENDER
(shouting) Boo! Not as good as Bender!
Boo!
[The door opens and the casting director is standing there.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
Mr Bender?
[Bender screams.]
[All My Circuits Casting Office.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
Have you ever been on TV before?
BENDER
Once, when I took those hostages.
CALCULON
I saw that! You were good. Let's hear
you audition.
[The casting director hands Bender a script. Bender thumbs through
it.]
BENDER
Banditos eh? Aw this is great! 'Cause
I happen to have a flawless Spanish
accent! (bad Spanish accent) I will
say adios Padre! Come Jesus ye faithful.
Tonight we eat...guacamole by the El
Rio!
CALCULON
That was so terrible I think you gave
me cancer! I don't care how popular
you are, you will never work on my show!
CALCULON
However, you've got the job. Welcome
aboard son!
BENDER
Fathero!
[He hugs Calculon.]
[All My Circuits Soundstage. Outside a red light is on and a
sign indicates Taping In Progress, All Welcome (Writers Keep
Out). On a hospital room set Calculon and Bender prepare for
a scene.]
CALCULON
Bender I'd like you to meet our director......who's
name I never learned.
BENDER
Yo! I read the script and I think it
would help my character's motivation
if he was on fire.
DIRECTOR
Uh, don't worry 'bout the script baby,
we re-wrote your part to better suit
your acting abilities.
BENDER
So now my character has a British accent?
DIRECTOR
No, now your character's in a coma.
Get in bed and don't move. And...action!
BENDER
(muttering) Stupid dumb coma...coulda
been British.
[Calculon moves to his bedside.]
CALCULON
Alas that mine only son should sink
into an irreversible, permanent...coma.
BENDER
(quietly) Permanent? That's completely
out of character for Antonio. I'm gettin'
up.
CALCULON
Curse the tragic wildebeast accident
that -
[Bender sits up on the bed.]
BENDER
Hey everyone! Antonio here but you can
call me "Bender"! I got ants in my butt
and I needs to strut. C'mon baby!
C'mon!
[The director stands watching, gobsmacked while a woman behind
him leafs through the script. Calculon stares at Bender.]
CALCULON
I'm not familiar with the type of thing
I'm seeing.
BENDER
Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooo yeah!
C'mon baby, do that, oo yeah!
DIRECTOR
(shouting) Cut! That's the worst coma
acting I've ever seen. I'll have to
shoot it again.
CALCULON
No! No, no, no I don't do two takes.
DIRECTOR
But this guy was -
CALCULON
Amateurs like you do two takes, I do
one take. Print it, I'll be in my three
storey trailer.
[He takes a bouquet of flowers from a woman.]
[All My Circuits Editting Room. Calculon and the director watch
Bender's antics.]
BENDER [ON TV]
Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooo yeah!
C'mon baby, c'mon yeah!
BENDER
Now that's hospital dancing. Pretty
good eh Calcky?
CALCULON
Good? I've seen better acting from extras
in Godzilla movies. I don't even remember
shooting this scene.
DIRECTOR
We didn't. That's security camera footage
from your dressing room.
CALCULON
He stole the scene and my money? That's
it! I demand you fire this felonious
ham!
[An alarm beeps and a red light starts to flash.]
DIRECTOR
The network Execubots are coming!
CALCULON
Dear God!
[Enter three huge clunky robots on tracks.]
BETABOT
Presenting the president of the network.
[A man walks in, places a iBook on a desk and leaves. A modem
in the iBook beeps and the network president, the iBook itself,
starts to speak.]
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Greetings gentlemen, you already know
my Execubots. Executive Alpha, programmed
to like things that are seen before.
ALPHABOT
Hey hey hey.
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice
to determine the fall schedule.
[Betabot rolls two dice.]
BETABOT
More reality shows.
NETWORK PRESIDENT
And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate
middle America.
GAMMABOT
It's funny but is it going to get them
off their tractors?
[The president plays a clip of Bender dancing on his screen.]
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Now, who put this obnoxious dancing
robot on my network?
DIRECTOR
We were about to fire him sir.
[The president's screen has changed to a picture of a family
in front of a TV screen.]
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Silence hack! We've been monitoring
our Nielsen families carefully and during
the 12 seconds Bender was on screen,
viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.
CALCULON
Sir, children watch this show. Bender's
no role model, he's a filth monger!
NETWORK PRESIDENT
At our network, we love filth! Filthy
rich that is! Being filthy rich that
is! "Bite my shiny metal ass" could
be a catchphrase.
ALPHABOT
80% likely.
GAMMABOT
It will play in Peoria.
[Betabot rolls his dice.]
BETABOT
Gameshows are back.
NETWORK PRESIDENT
We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot
on our network. Bender? Can you continue
to drink, smoke and steal things on
TV?
[Bender takes Calculon's wallet.]
BENDER
Yes I can.
[Musical To Black Flag's TV Party Bender's status as a cult icon
rockets. On the side of the All My Circuits soundstage, men paste
a huge picture of Bender over the cast picture. An episode of
the show is broadcast where Human Friend is getting married,
only for his bride to turn out to be Bender in the middle of
the ceremony. He lifts his veil, lights a cigar and pulls out
a copy of Playbot. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim watch in the
Planet Express lounge and cheer. At the 7^11 fine Bender tobacco
products include Bender Smokes, Benderillos and Bender's Favorite.
A kid points at the Bender's Favorite. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny
Tim carry on watching All My Circuits. Bender is creditted as
Starring Bender as "Bender." He walks into a restaurant where
Calculon and Monique are dining and tips there table over along
with the two of them. He drinks back a bottle of beer and randomly
fires a laser into the air. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim cheer
and tip the table in the lounge over. The cover story on TV Week
Monthly is Bender: TV's Rowdiest Robot Opens Up About Drinking,
Smoking & His Feud with Jay. Inside his chest cabinet is beer,
cigars and Jay Leno's gagged head in a jar. In another episode
Bender spits his cigar at Human Friend. It bounces off him and
back into Bender's mouth.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim laugh at
Bender's antics. Dwight pulls out a pack of cigars perhaps.]
DWIGHT
Yo, check out what I jacked from my
Dad.
CUBERT
A cigar!
TINNY TIM
Ripping!
[Dwight lights the cigar, takes a puff and impersonates his hero.]
DWIGHT
Look! I'm Bender!
[He suddenly vomits and faints. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
HERMES
Ras H. Tafari. What's goin' on here?
[Farnsworth picks up the cigar in his feet and hands it to Hermes.]
FARNSWORTH
The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
HERMES
That's not a cigar. Uh...and it's not
mine!
[He puts it in his inside pocket.]
CUBERT
Hey Dad, bite my shiny metal ass!
FARNSWORTH
What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable
for both of us! Where did you learn
such language?
TINNY TIM
From Bender my good jerkwad.
HERMES
Bender eh? That guy's really startin'
to twist my dreads.
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Hermes are gone, replaced by Fry,
Leela, Zoidberg and Bender on the couch. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny
Tim sit on the floor all watching TV.]
BENDER
OK OK OK, get ready for this part.
ZOIDBERG
Quiet robot, Bender's on TV.
[On the TV Calculon and Monique enter a cabin covered in snow.]
MONIQUE [ON TV]
Oh Calculon, it's so good to get away
from the city and that beastly, yet
intriguing, Bender.
[She gasps. Bender is guzzling down a kegg of beer on the other
side of the room. He cheers and lights his finger like a lighter.]
BENDER [ON TV]
Try this kids at home!
[A "Don't Try This Kids At Home" caption appears underneath.
Bender lights his alcoholic breath and his head catches fire,
followed by the rest of his body. The screen pulls back. The
All My Circuits episode was just another clip on Entertainment
And Earth Invasion Tonite.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Is television sensation Bender a bad
role model for Earth children?
[Bender spins a pair of scissors around on both of his hands.
Zoidberg leans away from him.]
BENDER
That's crazy.
LINDA [ON TV]
A new protest group, Fathers Against
Rude Television, says "Hell yes!"
FRY
Pft. What kind of bozos would start
a Bender protest group?
[Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news everyone. Hermes and I have
started a Bender protest group.
ZOIDBERG
That was uncanny.
HERMES
Fathers Against Rude Television don't
want our kids watching Bender's high
definition filth.
FARNSWORTH
And for what? Some kind of cheap laugh?
That's not what F-A-R-T is all about.
HERMES
No sir, not us FARTers.
BENDER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't censor me
just 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role
model.
LEELA
As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree
with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten
just from watching TV.
FRY
Yeah. Give a little credit to our public
schools.
[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight, Cubert and Tinny Tim
sit slumped against the attic dome under the moonlight. Cubert
sighs.]
CUBERT
Our dads are all pumped up on dorkosterum.
We're just trying to be cool like Bender.
DWIGHT
Yeah, and it's not even working. Smoking
and drinking make us barf.
TINNY TIM
Gentle jerkwads. I know how to emulate
Bender without barfing. We could commit
a burglary.
DWIGHT
Hey, yeah!
CUBERT
Bender loves to burgle!
DWIGHT
Hold up though. Who could we rob? We
don't even know anyone with cool stuff.
CUBERT
Duh! We know someone who runs on pure
cool fuel. Bender!
DWIGHT
Whoa!
TINNY TIM
We'll rob Bender!
[Cubert laughs.]
DWIGHT
TV gave us the idea.
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim
sneak towards Fry and Bender's apartment with a sack.]
CUBERT
OK. It's crime time.
[He, Dwight and Tinny Tim put on some crude Bender face masks.
Cubert opens the apartment door and they sneak in.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Fry plays a console game with
one hand while reading a Space Boy comic. He takes a swig of
beer. Tinny Tim, wearing his Bender mask, walks past Fry carrying
Bender's chair. Fry doesn't look up.]
FRY
Hey Bender. Hey Bender. Hey Bender.
Hey Bender.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight's new party gets started.
They open the door and Tinny Tim, some Cookieville orphans and
Brett Blob walk in. Dwight and Cubert choose classical music
for the party and play Bust A Move by Young MC.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The room is filled with
more kids. Brett plays Bender's banjo then hits one of his gold
bricks with it, breaking the banjo. He and some others laugh.
Albert smokes one of Bender's Zuban cigars and throws up. Tinny
Tim takes a copy of Playbot out of a box marked "Bender's Adult
Periodicals." He sees a spread inside and his eye litterally
pop out. Enter Hermes and Farnsworth. The music stops.]
FARNSWORTH
What's going on in here? Oh. Now I'm
really outraged.
HERMES
Where did you requisition this party?
And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
ZOIDBERG
I'm networking. Let me give you my card.
[He pulls out a scrap of card with "ZoiDBERg" written on it and
offers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them bother taking it.]
CUBERT
Relax Dad, we just invited a few friends
over.
FARNSWORTH
Hmm. There's something wrong with your
story but I can't put my finger on it.
Of course! You don't have friends!
HERMES
Yeah. Why do these popular kids consider
you cool all of a sudden?
DWIGHT
Uh...we're just cool is all!
FARNSWORTH
Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's
cool, using the cool-o-meter!
[He takes a box with a needle on it out of his pocket. He scans
over the orphans and the box beeps and the needle moves halfway
around the gauge; he scans Zoidberg, who waves, and the beeping
stops and the needle flops back down again; he scans more orphans
and the needle goes back halfway. Finally he scans Tinny Tim,
Dwight and Cubert and the machine beeps rapidly and the needle
goes right around to maximum. A huge thumbs up pops out the side
of the machine.]
COOL-O-METER
Oh yeah!
FARNSWORTH
Good Lord, I'm getting a reading of
over 40 mega-Fonzies!
HERMES
Everybody out!
[The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]
ZOIDBERG
So do you guys know about anything else
going on, because I'm totally still
ready to party.
[Hermes taps a girl on the shoulder and makes her hand something
over. She hands him a lava lamp and runs out.]
HERMES
There's enough cool stuff here to furnish
a happenin' pad. Where did it all come
from?
TINNY TIM
Don't tell comrades. All for one and
one for all!
[Dwight and Cubert look at each other and cave.]
DWIGHT
We stole it!
TINNY TIM
Oh crumb!
[Bender's loot safe opens and Bender himself steps out of it
and yawns and stretches.]
BENDER
What? What's going on?
FARNSWORTH
I'll tell you what. Our boys have taken
up stealing! One of the worst and coolest
of crimes.
HERMES
And all from watching you on TV you
cool jerk.
BENDER
Hey lay off me. TV would stink if everyone
on it was a positive role model. Bender
is about entertainment baby! You can't
hold me responsible for what kids do
when - hey! This is my stuff they stole!
That's the last straw! Bender should
not be allowed on television!
[Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building hundreds
of angry dads are crowded around to hear Bender make a speech.
The back of the hangar has been opened so the ship is right behind
him. Bender stands at a podium with Farnsworth and Hermes right
beside him.]
BENDER
Bender must be stopped. I've gone too
far. Who does that guy think I am?
C'mon! We're gonna march all the way
to Hollywood and make them stop forcing
their filthy me down our throats.
[He turns around and heads towards the ship.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender marches up the ship's
steps followed by Hermes, Farnsworth and the other members of
FART.]
[The ship takes off from the hangar, flies up into space and
back down the other side of North America to Hollywood.]
[Cut to: Outside Television Studios. The FART mob march out of
the ship chanting.]
FART MOB
(chanting) Down with Bender! Down with
Bender! Down with Bender! Down with
Bender!
[The stop marching when they reach a security barrier. Bender
takes care of it.]
BENDER
This mob's with me.
SECURITY GUARD
Go ahead.
[He raises the barrier and the mob carries on marching.]
FART MOB
(chanting) Down with Bender! Down with
Bender! Down with Bender! Down with
- - Bender! Down with Bender!
[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. On a hospital set Calculon
is dressed as a doctor. Boxy is wearing a tuxedo and is in bed
and a formally-dressed Fembot that looks like Boxy is in another
bed.]
CALCULON
As a doctor and captain of this hospital
shift, I now pronounce you man and wife
with six months to live.
[His eyes widen in shock. Enter the FART mob.]
FARNSWORTH
Listen up Hollywood. We're an exciting
new mob.
[The mob agree.]
BENDER
Yeah!
HERMES
You'd better believe it!
[Calculon looks shocked.]
CALCULON
Great Shatner's ghost!
BENDER
We demand that all TVs be equipped with
a v-chip that blocks Bender from appearing
on the screen.
FARNSWORTH
Booya!
[Enter the network president and his Execubots.]
NETWORK PRESIDENT
I'm afraid the answer is a gritty in-your-face
no.
BENDER
Then I quit.
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Then you don't quit. I think you'll
be finishing the scene now Mr Bender
and don't skimp on the nasty.
FARNSWORTH
There'll be no further nasty. We still
have the option of resorting to violence.
HERMES
What makes you think that'll work?
FARNSWORTH
I saw it on TV in that episode where
Bender shot Calculon! How cool is that?
[Bender dances around smoking a cigar.]
BENDER
Ooo yeah baby c'mon -
[He panics as Farnsworth points his laser at him.]
FARNSWORTH
Quit the show!
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Do the scene.
[Bender puts his hands up.]
FARNSWORTH
I'm a cold blooded punk!
NETWORK PRESIDENT
I once put a laugh track on a sitcom
that had no jokes in it.
BENDER
Hey look, the prop guy has a lamp!
[The Execubot turns around with the president in his hands.]
NETWORK PRESIDENT
Really?
FARNSWORTH
Wha?
[Bender yoinks the guns from their hands.]
BENDER
Aha!
[Farnsworth gasps.]
FARNSWORTH
I was using that!
BENDER
Listen up, 'cause I've got a climactic
speech! You, cameraman, keep the camera
rolling. You, director, gimmie my motivation.
DIRECTOR
You're angry.
BENDER
Perfect. Viewers of the world, do smoking
and drinking on TV really make me cool?
Of course they do. How 'bout committing
crimes and violence? Again, the answer
is "yes." But do we really want our
kids exposed to that kind of trash on
TV? I say absolutely not! Uh...on the
other hand, most - perhaps all the blame
rests with the parents. That's right
you! And so I ask you this one question:
Have you ever tried simply turning off
the TV, sitting down with your children,
and hitting them?
HERMES
(ashamed) We're just so busy.
BENDER
Well make time.
DIRECTOR
And...cut!
[Calculon applauds.]
CALCULON
Good enough. Splice in some reaction
shots of me and shove it on the air.
[Planet Express: Lounge.]
BENDER [ON TV]
...Have you ever tried simply turning
off the TV, sitting down with your children,
and hitting them?
[Archive All My Circuits footage of Calculon reacting to something
completely different is spliced in. The whole crew, Cubert, Dwight
and Tinny Tim watch the TV.]
HERMES
Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable
lesson about TV there.
CUBERT
What was it?
[As Hermes defends himself on the TV there is more archive footage
of Calculon reacting to something in a poker game.]
FARNSWORTH
Uh...that we should all take TV a little
less seriously. And more importantly,
turn it off once in a while.
FRY
Hear hear!
LEELA
Yeah!
BENDER
Damn right!
[On the TV Calculon reacts to something on a snowy mountain.]
DWIGHT
So, should we turn it off now?
FARNSWORTH
Well, uh, that depends what's on.
[Fry flicks through the channels with the remote.]
FRY
Nothing good.
FARNSWORTH
Ah let's just keep watching.
[They all turn back to the screen and watch Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]
[Closing Credits. The crew perform Black Flag's TV Party while
watching Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]
BENDER
(singing) TV party tonight!
FARNSWORTH
Wha?
BENDER
(singing) TV party tonight!
FARNSWORTH
Oh!
FRY
(singing) We've got nothing better to
do...
LEELA
(singing) ...Than watch TV and have
a couple of brews!
ZOIDBERG
(singing) Don't wanna talk about anything
else...
FRY
(singing) We don't wanna know!
FARNSWORTH
(singing) We're dedicated, yes!
HERMES
(singing) ...To our favourite shows!
CUBERT
All My Circuits
DWIGHT
Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!
AMY
Scary Door!
LEELA
Blernsmen at Blernsball!
BENDER
Futurama!
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