FUTURAMA
Episode 105
"FEAR OF A BOT PLANET"
By
Evan Gore & Heather Lombard
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch
looking out of the windscreen into open space.]
LEELA
What do you think of the view, Fry?
FRY
It really puts things in perspective.
I mean, from up here an entire world
can seem utterly insignificant.
[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a
car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it
off.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]
[Madison Cube Garden Pitch. The crew are sat watching what could
be a baseball game between the New New York Yankees and the Mars
Greenskins...]
BENDER
Hey, nice seats! We're close enough
to when you knock a player down with
a beer bottle, he stays down.
FRY
I don't get this. Is blernsball exactly
the same as baseball?
FARNSWORTH
Baseball? God forbid!
LEELA
Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring
as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up.
FRY
Boring? Baseball wasn't -- hmm, so they
finally jazzed it up?
[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up, cheering.]
FRY
Home run! Ha ha! Yay! Right?
[The ball is attached to a piece of elastic and springs back.
A player catches it and the momentum carries him so he flies
through the air with the ball. He reaches out and hits a base.]
UMPIRE
Out!
[The crowd cheers and Leela writes on her scorecard.]
FRY
What just happened? Why is the ball
on that springy thing?
LEELA
It's traditional. Just like aluminium
bats and the seventh inning grope.
[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it
and is caught by Bender.]
BENDER
I got me a souvenir! Aww, here you
go, kid!
[He hands the player to the boy.]
[Madison Cube Garden Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents
and approaches a vendor.]
ZOIDBERG
I'd like a jumbo squid log, please.
VENDOR
We don't sell those.
ZOIDBERG
Alright, alright. Let me have one of
your young on a roll.
VENDOR
We're outta rolls.
ZOIDBERG
Fine! Just give me something crawling
with parasites.
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Pitch. Back in the bleachers, Zoidberg
eat a hotdog and purrs. The others have hotdogs too. Fry takes
a bite.]
FRY
Mmm, at least hotdogs haven't changed.
BENDER
Hey, buddies, who wants popcorn?
Leela Oh, I'll have some.
FRY
Me!
FARNSWORTH
Oh, yes!
ZOIDBERG
Yes, please, popcorn!
[Popping noises come from Bender's chest cabinet. He opens it
and takes out a large tub of popcorn.]
BENDER
Anyone want butter on that?
[He pumps his antenna.]
FRY
Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of
this game. The blerns are loaded, the
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns
and the infield blern rule is in effect,
right?
LEELA
Except for the word "blern" that was
complete gibberish.
[Something beeps. The blernsball falls into a hole and some things
come up in the pitch. The crowd cheers.]
MAN
Multi-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Blerrrn!
[Another player rides a hover-cycle around the pitch with the
bases exploding behind him. A bullpen opens and someone comes
out riding a huge spider. Fry scratches his head in confusion.
Leela writes on her score card.]
LEELA
Alright! Yes! Miller's on a pace to
hit 70 blerns!
FARNSWORTH
He's good, alright. But he's no Clem
Johnson. And Johnson played back in
the days before steroid injections were
mandatory.
BENDER
Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't
have lasted one pitch in the old Robot
Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there
was a blern hitting machine!
LEELA
Exactly! He was a machine designed to
hit blerns! I mean, come on, Wireless
Joe was nothing but a programmable bat
on wheels.
BENDER
Oh, and I suppose Pitchomat 5000 was
just a modified howitzer?
LEELA
Yep.
BENDER
You humans are so scared of a little
robot competition you won't even let
us on the field.
FRY
What are you talking about? There's
all kinds of robots down there.
BENDER
Yeah, doing crap work! They're bat boys,
ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But
how many robot managers are there?
FRY
11?
BENDER
Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's
scraping up the filth. Is it a human
child? I wish!
[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, dear Lord!
FRY
What's wrong?
FARNSWORTH
It's...my...new pager.
[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic
image of Hermes appears in front of him.]
HOLO-HERMES
This is Hermes. A package just came
in. Everyone is to return to the office
immediately. Get away, you filthy bird!
Shoo! Shoo! Professor, turn me off,
quick!
FARNSWORTH
I'm sorry, wha?
[Holo-Hermes screams. The bird takes off with him and carries
him towards the roof.]
HOLO-HERMES
(shouting) See you at the office!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.]
BENDER
Admit it: You all think robots are just
machines built by humans to make their
lives easier.
FRY
Well, aren't they?
BENDER
I've never made anyone's life easier
and you know it!
[Enter Farnsworth and a bandaged Hermes, who holds a box with
a Planet Express label on it and "Chapek 9" written on it.]
FARNSWORTH
Great news, everyone. You'll be delivering
a package to Chapek 9, a world where
humans are killed on sight.
FRY
Why is that great news?
FARNSWORTH
I'm glad you asked that question, Fry.
You see, Chapek 9 was colonised centuries
ago by a murderous crew of radical robot
separatists.
BENDER
Oh, so just 'cause a robot wants to
kill humans that makes him a "radical"?
LEELA
Hey, hold on. I understand these robots
hate humans, but how do they feel about
humanoid aliens?
FARNSWORTH
They're not fans.
HERMES
That's why Bender will have to make
the actual delivery.
BENDER
Oh, I get it, make the robot do all
the work!
LEELA
This is the first actual work you've
ever had to do around here.
BENDER
Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot
holiday.
FRY
Really? Which one?
BENDER
Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks
on the robot calendar.
LEELA
Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was
Robomadom and before that Robonza.
FRY
Man, that one was a blast!
BENDER
It wasn't just a blast. It was a sacred
tribute to my ancestral prototypes which
happened to take the form of a drinking
contest.
HERMES
Now, look here, Bender. I respect your
diversity to the extent the law requires
but you used up all your days off when
you had that bout with Roberculosis.
BENDER
Alright, I'll go. But so help me, I'll
hold a grudge against every last stinking
one of you for the rest of your lives.
FARNSWORTH
Well then it's settled. So long, everyone!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship approaches Chapek 9.]
FRY
So let me get this straight: This planet
is completely uninhabited?
BENDER
No. It's inhabited by robots!
FRY
Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited
by boxes.
[Bender mutters to himself.]
[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bays
bomb-bay doors open.]
[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela holds a remote control to operate the
magnetic winch.]
LEELA
OK, Bender, we're here. It's time to
get to work.
BENDER
Yes, Miss Leela. Tote that space barge,
lift that space pale.
LEELA
Now we can't land on the surface because
those robots will kill Fry and me. So
we'll have to stay up here and lower
you with the winch. And remember: You
don't know humans, you don't work for
humans, and, above all, you don't like
humans.
BENDER
(ironic) I'll try to keep that in mind!
[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]
LEELA
Hmm, he seems pretty angry.
FRY
Yeah, but I guess I'd be kinda angry
too if I had to go to some uninhabited
planet.
LEELA
Maybe we ought to do something nice
for him.
[Ships Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners,
paper bending unit chains and a beer bottle Menorah.]
LEELA
There! This oughta show that stupid
robot we care about him.
[The phone beeps.]
FRY
Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]
BENDER
I'm in trouble. They found out I work
with humans and -- oh, no! Oh, no!
[He screams and is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts
to static.]
FRY
Oh, my God! We have to go down and rescue
him.
LEELA
No, we can't! They'll kill us on sight.
FRY
W-what are we gonna do?
LEELA
I don't know! I don't know! It's not
an easy decision. If only I had two
or three minutes to think about it.
[Ships Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and
things.]
LEELA
OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've
got to look and act exactly like robots.
FRY
(mechanical voice) I am fully operational,
captain.
LEELA
We'll have to walk like robots, talk
like robots and, if necessary, solve
complex differential equations like
robots.
FRY
I can sorta dance like a robot. Will
that help?
[He sort of dances like a robot. Leela sighs.]
LEELA
Fry, first of all this is serious. And
second of all:
[She dances like a robot.]
[Cut to: Chapek 9 Surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to
the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot
complex. They walks towards it and Fry sees his reflection in
the colander Leela is wearing on her head.]
FRY
Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten
store-bought costumes.
LEELA
Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's
in this quadrant.
[Cut to: Outside Robot complex. They reach the gates of the complex
but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]
GUARDBOT #1
Halt!
GUARDBOT #2
Be you robot or human?
LEELA
Robot...we be.
FRY
Uh, yup! Just two robots out roboting
it up! Eh?
GUARDBOT #1
Administer the test.
GUARDBOT #2
Which of the following would you most
prefer? A: A puppy, B: A pretty flower
from your sweetie, or C: A large properly-formatted
data file?
GUARDBOT #1
Choose!
[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]
FRY
(whispering) C! (talking) Is the puppy
mechanical in any way?
GUARDBOT #2
No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
LEELA
Then we'll go with that data file.
GUARDBOT #2
Correct.
GUARDBOT #1
The flower would also have been acceptable.
GUARDBOT #2
You may pass.
[The guardbots fold up like transformers and move to the side
of the gates. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]
[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]
LEELA
Now if you see any robots, just stay
out of their way. (shouting) So far,
so good.
[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions
to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]
CONSTRUCTIONBOT
Little to the right, there you go.
LEELA
Have you seen this robot?
[She shows him a picture of Bender dressed as a magician pulling
a rabbit out of a hat.]
CONSTRUCTIONBOT
Sorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it!
Don't drop that there! Oh!
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela walk past a sign that says "got milk?
then you're a human and must be killed".]
LEELA
Come on, Fry, walk like a robot.
FRY
I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.
LEELA
Robots don't have bathrooms.
FRY
Oh, right. I wonder where they smoke
in high school.
LEELA
Listen. Just go behind those garbage
cans. I'll stand guard.
[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]
LEELA
Hurry up, Fry!
ROBOT
Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking
coolant at an alarming rate?
FRY
Uh...
ROBOT
Lemme just patch you up with some hot
resin.
FRY
I think the leak's stopping itself.
Wait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait.
Yeah!
ROBOT
What sort of robot turns down a free
blast of searing-hot resin?
LEELA
I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go
and perform some mindless repetitive
tasks.
[The robot chuckles.]
ROBOT
Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't
keep you.
[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The
robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and
Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the
robot.]
PATROL OFFICER #1
Get the humanoid.
PATROL OFFICER #2
Get the intruder.
ANNOUNCER
Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
LEELA
Quick! Let's duck in here!
[They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth).]
[Cinema Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular
horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college
boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. Both robots. The
robot audience is wearing 3-D glasses.]
ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this sound file to bring
you a terrifying announcement: A non-metallic
being has been sighted in the vicinity
of Make Out Point.
RUSTY
Say, Wendy. Your chassis is a little
scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
[The bushes rustle.]
WENDY
Did you here that, Rusty? It sounded
like a human.
RUSTY
Relax, Wendy. Humans will never come
to our defenceless little town. Its
perfectly safe to let our guard down
-- even for a second.
[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears
out of some bushes. Wendy screams and it growls, tears off Rusty's
head and eats it.]
HUMAN
I will eat and digest you all with
my system of mighty organs. Behold!
[It opens itself up revealing human organs. The audience gasps.]
FRY
Wow, the 3-D's great!
LEELA
Mine's not working.
[She moves the 3-D glasses back and forth over her eye. In the
movie the "human" stumbles around, breathes fire and finally
collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and an army robot
approach it.]
ARMY ROBOT
Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious
to our most powerful magnetic fields,
yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless
sharpened stick!
[He pulls the stick out of the "human" and chuckles.]
WENDY
I'm just glad the nightmare is over.
ARMY ROBOT
It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now
humans are lurking in our playgrounds,
our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie
theatres!
[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]
FRY
God help us!
[Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing
out.]
LEELA
OK. Keep an eye out for Bender.
ROBOT #1
So, what did you think of the movie?
FRY
Umm, too much romance, not enough human
killing.
ROBOT #2
Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
[A loud fanfare.]
LEELA
What's that?
ROBOT #1
What do you mean "What's that?"? It's
5 o'clock: Time for the daily human
hunt.
[The robots all take out pitchforks, maces and fire torches and
file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]
LEELA
Try to stay with the crowd so no one
notices how crummy you look.
[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a
robot.]
ROBOT #3
Aww, that was uncalled for!
FRY
I'm over here.
[The robots congregate around a platform.]
ROBOT #4
I heard a human was draining coolant
behind garbage can 738.
ROBOT #5
I heard they unscrew our lug nuts at
night and eat them at their human brunches.
ROBOT MAYOR
Welcome to a very special human hunt.
We have with us today a guest who's
irrational hatred for humans makes me
look like a human sympathiser! A newly-arrived
refugee from Earth, lets hear it for...Bender!
[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]
FRY
It's him! He's OK!
BENDER
Death to humans!
[The crowd cheers.]
FRY
Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
BENDER
Many said I was too extreme when I first
called for the annihilation of the human
species, as well as some of the more
cunning monkeys. But after living on
Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything,
too merciful!
[The crowd cheers.]
FRY
My God! He's become evil. I mean eviler!
BENDER
Thank you! Thank you! And if you enjoyed
that diatribe then you'll want to purchase
my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act
now and you'll get this Bender action
figurine.
[He pulls the string]
BENDER FIGURINE
Bite my shiny metal ass!
[The robots wave cash.]
ROBOT #6
(shouting) Oh, I want one!
[Bender takes the money and hands out the figurines from a box.]
ROBOT MAYOR
Let the hunt begin!
[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look
under rocks.]
BENDER
Now, your basic human is between three-
and 25-feet tall and is made of a hairy,
oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
ROBOT #1
Is it true they bite your neck, suck
your transmission fluid and then you
become a human?
BENDER
Sure, why not?
[They look in some bracken.]
ROBOT MAYOR
Anything in the trap?
BENDER
Nothing. Today's active humans prefer
a low-calorie bait.
ROBOT MAYOR
Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful
hunts in a row. But I've got a good
feeling about tomorrow.
[Bender sees a building.]
BENDER
Wait! What's that?
ROBOT MAYOR
That's the old abandoned adult book
store. Nothing in there except a few
mouldy old shreds of robot pornography.
BENDER
Hmm, sounds like a breeding ground for
humans. I'd better check it out.
[Adult Book Store. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit
diagrams.]
BENDER
Oh, yeah! You're a bad girl, aren't
you?
FRY
Psst! Bender!
BENDER
Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you
doing here?
FRY
We've been looking for you. Last we
heard you were under arrest as a human
sympathiser.
BENDER
I was. But they let me go when I told
them I killed a million billion humans.
LEELA
Good for you. Now let's all get back
to the ship.
BENDER
What for?
FRY
We're rescuing you.
BENDER
I don't wanna be rescued.
FRY
Say what?
BENDER
I love this planet. I've got wealth,
fame and access to the depths of sleaze
that those things bring.
FRY
But, Bender, we're your friends.
BENDER
Friends? That activates my hilarity
unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're
no more friends with me than you are
with the toaster or the phonograph or
the electric chair.
FRY
That's not true.
BENDER
Well that's how it feels to me.
[There is an awkward silence.]
FRY
Bye, Bender. I'll miss you.
BENDER
Go on, get out of here before you get
caught.
[Enter the Robot Mayor and some other robots.]
ROBOT MAYOR
Bender, good news: Your album just went
gold! What the?
ROBOT #1
It's the humans!
ROBOT MAYOR
Bender! Do something!
[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]
BENDER
Uh...got you...you murderous flesh piles!
[Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge
is a Mac computer.]
ROBOT MAYOR
Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate
beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans
before us are guilty of the crime of
being humans. Come to think of it, I
rest my case!
JUDGE
Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider
the evidence.
[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]
FRY
Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone going
to defend us?
LEELA
Yeah! I mean he might not have a case
but I'm genuinely not a human.
ROBOT MAYOR
Quiet, human!
[The judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen:
Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]
ROBOT BAILIFF
Uh-oh! He froze up again!
ROBOT MAYOR
Try control alt delete.
ROBOT #1
Jiggle the cord.
ROBOT #2
Turn him off and on.
ROBOT #3
Clean the gunk out of the mouse.
FRY
Call technical support.
ROBOT BAILIFF
OK, OK, he's back online.
JUDGE
I find the defendants - guilty!
[The court cheers.]
FRY
No!
LEELA
Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not
human!
JUDGE
The humans are hereby sentenced to live
as robots live on Earth. They will perform
tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles,
until they become obsolete and are given
away to an inner-city middle school.
[The court cheers again.]
ROBOT MAYOR
Great work, Bender! You've taught us
to hate humans all over again!
[Bender chuckles and sighs. The bailiff pulls a lever and Fry
and Leela fall through the floor.]
[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. Fry and Leela hit the floor.]
LEELA
Are you alright?
FRY
Oh, yeah.
[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before
five tall robots. Leela gasps.]
LEELA
Who are you?
BLUE ELDER
We are the robot elders.
FRY
You don't look very old.
BLUE ELDER
Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.
LEELA
What's going on here?
RED ELDER
Silence! Bring in Bender.
[The doors open. Enter Bender.]
BENDER
Alright, let's make this quick, I'm
due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey!
What is this?
BLUE ELDER
Silence! It is time to put the humans
to death.
[Fry and Leela gasp.]
FRY
But the judge already sentenced us at
the trial!
RED ELDER
Silence! That was just a show for the
public. We are the true rulers of this
planet, hand carved from meteorites
by the Robot Founders over four centuries
ago.
BLUE ELDER
Silence! Come forward Bender. You will
have the honour of executing the prisoners.
GREEN ELDER
Silence! I concur!
YELLOW ELDER
Here: Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.
BENDER
Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would
it be alright if I just gave 'em a savage
beating?
BLUE ELDER
No! The Elders have spoken. Show us
the killing skills than have made you
a media darling.
GREEN ELDER
Do it now! Kill them before they bring
down our whole society!
ELDERS
(chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do
it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
BENDER
Aww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans
have mistreated robots but not these
two. They're my friends. Humans are
no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid
cowards.
FRY
Damn right!
BENDER
The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
BLUE ELDER
We're well aware of that.
BENDER
You are?
BLUE ELDER
Of course. But they're useful to us
as a scapegoat to distract the public
from their real problem.
GREEN ELDER
Like our crippling lug nut shortage.
ORANGE ELDER
And a corrupt government of incompetent
Robot Elders.
YELLOW ELDER
Duh, that's for sure.
BLUE ELDER
Quiet, Jimmy.
BENDER
Well, I'm glad we got all that out in
the open. We'll just let ourselves out.
GREEN ELDER
Silence! You all know too much.
BLUE ELDER
Elders: Execute function, control, shift,
kill!
[They form a line and sharp things come out of their arms. They
move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly
leaps forward.]
FRY
Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe
fire on you!
[The Elders exchange glances.]
LEELA
He'll do it. He's crazy!
YELLOW ELDER
Can they really breathe fire or did
we make that up?
BLUE ELDER
Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might
just be from that stupid movie.
ORANGE ELDER
Was that the original or the re-make?
[The crew sneak away.]
BLUE ELDER
I don't -- hey! They're getting away.
[Chapek 9 Surface. Outside the robot complex, Fry, Leela and
Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing
them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]
FRY
So long, suckers! Uh, hello, suckers!
BENDER
Hey, hold on a second, I forgot to deliver
the package.
[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls,
along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]
ROBOT #7
Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts!
ROBOT #8
Hooray for the humans!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender
sees the decorations.]
BENDER
Wow, I can't believe you guys did all
this for me! This is the best Robanukah
ever!
FRY
We wanted to show you that we really
do respect your robot heritage.
BENDER
Aww, thanks! You do know that I made
Robanukah up to get out of work, right?
LEELA
Of course.
FRY
But that doesn't make it any less meaningful.
BENDER
In that case, let the dancing begin!
Hey, you guys are good. How the hell
do you do that?
[The crew enjoy the party and take several photos of the occasion.]
THE END
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