FUTURAMA
Episode 109
"HELL IS OTHER ROBOTS"
By
Eric Kaplan
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Condemned By The Space Pope.]
[Madison Cube Garden. Fry, Leela and Bender are sat waiting for
a Beastie Boys gig to start.]
FRY
This is awesome! I've been waiting a
thousand years to see a Beastie Boys
show.
BENDER
Can I get anybody a beer?
FRY
Sure!
[Bender opens his chest cabinet and uses his antenna to pump
some beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp.]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down
some old, old, incredibly old school
beats: The Beastie Boys!
[A man wheels the Beastie Boys' heads in jars onto the stage.
The crowd cheers. Some guys in black suits grab the jars and
dance around. The Beastie Boys perform Intergalactic.]
BEASTIE BOYS
(singing) Well now don't you tell to
smile
You stick around I'll make it worth your while
Got numbers beyond what you can dial
Maybe it's because I'm so versatile
Style profile I said
It always brings me back when I hear Wu Child...
[Leela looks at her wrist thing.]
LEELA
Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes
with an 80% success rate.
BENDER
I believe that qualifies as ill. At
least from a technical standpoint.
[Fry is standing away from them.]
FRY
Will you guys shut up! I'm trying to
look cool.
[He attempts to dance.]
BEASTIE BOYS
(singing) ...known for the Flintstone
Flop
Tammy D gettin' biz on the crop
Beastie Boys know to let the beat...
MIKE
Drop! Ow! How's it going? Enjoying
the show? Ow! (shouting) Don't forget
to pick up a T-Shirt!
FRY
Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come
on guys. Tonight we're gonna party like
its 1999...again.
[The Beastie Boys start to perform Super Disco Breakin.]
Beastie Boys (singing) Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know
it's on
I move the crowd to the break of break of dawn...
[Fry and Bender get into the mosh pit. Leela gets bumped around
and doesn't look like she is enjoying herself.]
LEELA
Ow! Hey, watch it!
[She elbows someone in the face, kicks someone else, punches
someone else the does a full circle flying kick and knocks everyone
around her over.]
[Time Lapse. The crowd are sat in their seats again.]
FRY
Man, these guys rock harder than ever!
[The Beastie Boys sing Sabotage.]
MIKE (SINGING)
Oh my...
MCA (SINGING)
...it's a mirage...
AD-ROCK (SINGING)
...tellin' you all it's a...
AD-ROCK (SINGING)
Sabotage, yeah!
MIKE
Peace, we out!
[The crowd cheers and the Beastie Boys are wheeled out. Fry cheers.
Enter a Fender amplifier who recognises Bender.]
FENDER
Hey, Bender!
BENDER
Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you
since high school. You still workin'
at Jack In The Box?
FENDER
Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band!
[Backstage. The Beastie Boys are getting head massages.]
MIKE
Aw! Oh, yeah!
[Enter Fender, Bender, Fry and Leela.]
FENDER
Hey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet
my friends Bender, Fry and Leela.
AD-ROCK
Y'know we're, really not that interested
in meeting them.
FRY
Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th
century, I had all five of your albums.
AD-ROCK
That was a thousand years ago. Now we
got seven.
FRY
Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And
a couple of blank tapes?
[Fender turns his volume down and turns to Bender.]
FENDER (WHISPERING)
Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these
organ sacks and hit the real party?
BENDER
Count me in! I'm gonna drink til I reboot!
[Room. Fender presses a button, a door slides open and in the
room are three robots hooked up to an electricity thing. It shocks
them and they groan.]
BENDER
Hey, what kinda party is this? There's
no booze and only one hooker.
FENDER
Don't be a drag, man. We're jacking
on! Aww yeah! Wanna jolt?
BENDER
Uh hey, I'm no square but isn't that
counter-indicated by my operations manual?
[The other robots laugh.]
ROBOT
Counter indicated!
FENDER
Come on, Bender, grab a jack. I told
these guys you were cool.
BENDER
Well, if jacking on'll make strangers
think I'm cool, I'll do it!
[He takes the plug and sticks it in his head. He goes crazy and
starts to hallucinate. Sitar music plays. He falls onto a circuit
board. Then he flies around a molecule and eats the electrons.
He eats the proton and starts giggling. He dances with an electric
eel. Fender takes the plug out.]
FENDER
Easy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked
on this stuff.
BENDER
Eh, no need to worry. I don't have an
addictive personality.
[He smokes a cigar, gulps down some beer and jacks on again.]
[New New York Street. The next day Fry and Bender walk around
a slum. Hobos sleep in the travel tubes and windows are boarded
up. Bender wears shades.]
FRY
Hey uh Bender. What are we doing in
this bad neighbourhood?
BENDER
Shut up, square! I'll just be a minute!
[Fry leans against a lamppost and whistles.]
[Time Lapse. Three hours later Bender comes out. He walks weirdly
and groans. He falls over, rolls off the pavement and lands face
down in the gutter. A Preacherbot walks by and sees him.]
PREACHERBOT
Wretched sinner unit! The path to robot
heaven lies here......in the Good Book
3.0.
BENDER
Hey! Do I preach to you when you're
lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat
it!
[Preacherbot tuts and walks off.]
FRY
Who was that guy?
BENDER
Yo mama! Now shut up and drag me to
work!
[Fry drags Bender by his legs.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the staff with
a chart.]
HERMES
Our electric bill's climbing faster
than a green snake up a sugarcane. Obviously
someone round been wastin' a whole heap
a juice! Probably you!
[He points at Zoidberg.]
ZOIDBERG
Me?
[Enter Fry and Bender.]
AMY
Good morning, Bender.
BENDER
None of your business, get off my back!
[He runs into the restroom.]
AMY
What's his problem?
LEELA
If I didn't know better I'd almost think
he was abusing electricity.
FRY
Bender? No way! I definitely would've
noticed something.
[Leela gets up and knocks on the restroom door.]
LEELA
Bender, why are you spending so much
time in the bathroom? Are you jacking
on in there?
BENDER
No! Don't come in!
[Enter Farnsworth with a box.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone! Today you'll be
delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily
8, the Mob Planet!
[Bender returns.]
BENDER
Alright, let's get to work! I'll be
out in a second.
[He runs back into the bathroom.]
[Ships Cockpit. The crew have made the delivery and are returning
to Earth.]
FRY
I know Big Vinnie said he was giving
me the kiss of death but I still think
he was gay.
LEELA
Did he use his tongue?
FRY
A little. You OK, Bender?
BENDER
None of your business! Get off my back!
LEELA
Uh oh. There seems to be some sort of
electrical disturbance in the Coalsack
Nebula.
BENDER
A what kind of disturbance?
LEELA
Electrical. Anyway it's going to take
some careful piloting to avoid it.
[Bender sneaks out of the cockpit.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender opens the door and steps out. He
edges his way around to the engines and pushes them so the ship
flies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela is struggling with the controls.]
LEELA
We're out of control. We're heading
straight into the electric field!
FRY
What's happening? I-I feel weird!
[The electricity has made his hair stand on end.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender stands on top of it in front of
the gun turret, waving his arms.]
BENDER
Come on universe you big, mostly empty
wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got!
Oh, mama!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits atop the ship, melted to
it. Amy drills him off with a jackhammer. He slides down the
front of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela and
Hermes stare at him. Bender looks up at them.]
BENDER
What?
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender has been repaired and a
crate of spare robot legs and thighs is on the floor next tot
he table.]
LEELA
Bender, we didn't mind your drinking,
or your kleptomania, or your pornography
ring.
ZOIDBERG
In fact, that's why we loved you.
LEELA
But this electricity abuse crossed the
line. You almost killed us.
FRY
And you made me feel like a jerk for
trusting you. Just like when my friend
Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs
and then he sold me my mom's VCR and
then later I found out he was taking
drugs. You make me ashamed to be your
friend.
[Bender sighs.]
BENDER
You're right. I'm a lost cause.
[He walks out.]
[New New York Street. Bender walks past Sparky's Den sadly. He
hears an organ play behind him and looks across the street to
the Temple Of Robotology.]
BENDER
Maybe there's another way.
[Cut to: Temple Of Robotology Roof. Bender plugs himself into
the neon sign and jacks on.]
BENDER
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. (crying)
What am I doing? What have I become?
Huh?
[He looks down though the roof and sees a sermon.]
[Cut to: Temple Of Robotology.]
PREACHERBOT
I see a lot of fancy robots here today.
Made of real shiny metal. But that don't
impress the Robot Devil, no, sir!
ROBOT
No, sir!
PREACHERBOT
'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna
plug his infernal modem in the wall,
belchin' smoke and flame. Amd he's gonna
download ya straight to Robot Hell!
ROBOT
Straight to hell!
PREACHERBOT
So I ask ya: Who will stand up and be
saved? Who? Who?
[The glass roof gives way and Bender falls through and lands
in front of Preacherbot.]
BENDER
(weakly) Me.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew.]
HERMES
And as a further cost-cutting measure,
I have eliminted the salt-water cooler.
ZOIDBERG
This is a witch hunt!
[Enter Bender wearing a bow tie.]
BENDER
(singing) Oh, what a beautiful morning,
oh what a beautiful day! (talking) Greetings,
friends. Don't we all look nice today?
FRY
Great he's whacked out on electricity
again.
BENDER
No, I'm whacked out on life. My friends,
I found religion.
[The crew stare, shocked.]
FRY
Religon? Is this another scam to get
free yarmulkes?
LEELA
Give him a break, Fry. If this helps
Bender clean up his act then I think
we should be supportive.
FARNSWORTH
Yes.
AMY
Oh, yeah.
HERMES
Oh, yes!
ZOIDBERG
Oh, yeah.
BENDER
Wonderful. Then you'll all come to my
exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned
baptism ceremony!
[The staff murmur.]
[Temple Of Robotology.]
PREACHERBOT
We are gathered here today to deliver
brother Bender from the cold, steel
grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold,
steel bosom of our congregation.
ROBOT #2
Tell it, Preacher!
ROBOT #3
That equals true.
PREACHERBOT
Brother Bender, do you accept the principles
of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation
in Robot Hell?
BENDER
Yes, I do.
PREACHERBOT
Then I will now baptise you. Press
any key to continue.
[Bender presses a button and he is lifted and baptised in a barrel
of High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. Preacherbot welds the symbol
of Robotology - a resistor symbol - to Bender's chest.]
BENDER
Uh, while you're at it, could you touch
up this seam?
[He raises his arm. Preacherbot welds the seam. Bender giggles.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew are dressed up.]
LEELA
This is unbelievable. The old Bender
never would have taken us out to dinner.
BENDER
The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble
you anymore.
WAITER
Would monsieur care to see the wine
list?
[Bender shreds the wine list and hands it back to the waiter.]
BENDER
No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick
with good old mineral oil. Ah! Functional!
[Time Lapse. The food arrives.]
HERMES
Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake
in a sugar cane field!
BENDER
Friends! Friends! Surely you're not
going to eat before we say Robot Grace?
In the name of all that is good and
logical we give thanks for the chemical
energy we are about to absorb. To quote
the prophet Jerimatic: 1000101010101...
[Time Lapse. The crew have given up and are anxiously waiting
for Bender to finish.]
BENDER
...0010110012. Amen.
FRY
Does that mean we can eat now?
BENDER
Yes. But first, since I love you all
so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs.
Come here, Fry!
FRY
Oh, uh, but I don't want to.
[Bender hugs Fry.]
BENDER
Mmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! C'mon,
everyone line up for a hug. Let's tear
down some emotional walls.
[The others edge their seats away.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sticks something to the ship.]
LEELA
What are you doing to my ship?
BENDER
Sanctifying it! There! That ought to
convert a few tailgaters.
FRY
Bender's stupid religion is driving
me nuts.
LEELA
Amen.
FARNSWORTH
If only he had joined a mainstream religion
like Oprah-ism or Voodoo.
FRY
We've got to get the old Bender back.
LEELA
And I think I know a way to do it. We
have to reacquaint him with a little
thing called "sleaze".
[Atlantic City Street. The ship lands in a car park.]
[Time Lapse. The crew have taken Nibbler with them and they walk
down the street.]
BENDER
I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar
spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic
City. What are we delivering anyway?
FRY
Uh, this.
[He pulls some mints out of his pocket.]
BENDER
Where are we delivering it to?
LEELA
Uh, here.
[She takes the mints and puts them in a mailbox.]
BENDER
Another job well done. Now back to the
office for an enjoyable evening of fasting
and repentance.
FRY
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long
as we're here why don't we take in some,
exotic dancing!
LEELA
Hey, great idea!
[Bender turns around. He is standing outside a club called Power
Strip. He gasps.]
BENDER
But, those girls don't wear cases. You
can see their bare circuits.
FRY
Come on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could
even drink a little fortified wine.
BENDER
What?" Drinking wine is a sin. Even
if it is deliciously fortified.
LEELA
Hey, Bender, looks at that woman's purse.
It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.
[Bender zooms in but pushes his eyes back in again.]
BENDER
Thou shalt not snatch.
FRY
And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got
a heart of solid gold!
HOOKERBOT
Hey, sailing unit!
BENDER
Stop tempting me! For once in my life
I have inner peace.
FRY
Pfft, that's for losers. C'mon, sin
your heart out.
LEELA
Go nuts.
HOOKERBOT
Live a little.
WOMAN
Could you hold my purse for a minute?
FRY
Go for it, Bender. You know you wanna!
BENDER
Well...
[Power Strip. Bender dances with the Stripperbots and laughs.]
BENDER
I'm the greatest. Woo-hoo!
FRY
Look's like we got the old Bender back!
BENDER
You know it, pork pie! Except for one
thing.
[He rips the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over
his shoulder. It sinks into a dish of stuff and beeps and glows.]
[Trump Trapezoid. Bender entertains three Fembots in the jacuzzi
in his hotel room.]
BENDER
Y'know, as a major Hollywood director
I'll be holding auditions tonight for
my next movie. And even though you're
all young and naive, I think you might
just have what it takes. Hey! I'm trying
to score here! Can't you read the "Do
Not Disturb" sign? No! No!
[A pitchfork comes through the door and knocks him out.]
[Robot Hell. Bender wakes up. The Robot Devil welcomes him. He
is a huge red robot with a tail and other things you might associate
with the devil.]
ROBOT DEVIL
Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot
Hell.
[Bender screams.]
[Trump Trapezoid. The next day Fry and Leela are in Bender's
room. There are scorch marks where Bender fell and he has been
dragged out of the room.]
LEELA
What in hell happened to Bender?
FRY
Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's
still here. Look, Nibbler's caught
the scent of vodka and motor oil! Go,
boy. Follow that stench.
[The run out of the room.]
[Robot Hell Tunnel. Bender is chained to a cart and the Robot
Devil stands behind him with a whip. The cart rolls down a track.]
BENDER
I'm hallucinating this, right?
[The Robot Devil whips him.]
ROBOT DEVIL
No, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real.
Here's our brochure.
[He hands Bender a brochure entitled Hell Is Other Robots.]
BENDER
But I don't belong here. I don't like
things that are scary and painful.
ROBOT DEVIL
Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when
you joined our religion. If you sin
you go to Robot Hell - for all eternity.
BENDER
Aww, hell - I mean heck!
ROBOT DEVIL
It's alright, you can say that here.
[Outside Reckless Ted's Funland. Fry and Leela look up at the
sign.]
FRY
Wait! I remember this place. They shut
it down after all those people caught
salmonella from the flume ride.
[Nibbler leads Fry and Leela to a ride called The Inferno.]
[Cut to: The Inferno. They open the door and look around.]
LEELA
Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's
old religion.
[Fry presses the symbol and the crazy mirror beside it slides
upwards. Behind it is Robot Hell.]
FRY
Unbelievable. It's an actual, factual
Robot Hell.
LEELA
Who would've thought hell would really
exist? And that it would be in New Jersey!
FRY
Actually --
[A trap door opens beneath them and Nibbler watches them disappear
down a twisting fun slide. They scream as they fall.]
[Robot Hell: Level 1.]
ROBOT DEVIL
We know all your sins Bender and for
each one we've prepared an agonising
and ironic punishment. Gentlemen?
[A band of Hellbots start to play. Bender knows what is coming.]
BENDER
Aw crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?
[He lights a cigar but Beezlebot takes it from him and stubs
it out on his chest. Two little robots throw him a hat and cane.]
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Cigars are evil
You won't miss 'em,
We'll find ways to simulate that smell,
What a sorry fella,
Rolled up in smoke like a panetela,
Here on level 1 of Robot Hell!
[Bender falls through a trapdoor.]
[Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 2. He lands next to a card table.
He picks the cards up and takes one from his chest cavity.]
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Gambling's wrong and so is
cheating,
So is forging phoney IOU's,
Let's let Lady Luck decide,
What type of torture's justified,
I'm pit boss here on level 2!
[He spins a wheel that Bender is strapped to. Luck decides to
deep fry Bender.]
(talking) Ooh! Deep fried robot!
BENDER
(singing) Just tell me why.
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Please read this 55-page warrant.
BENDER
(singing) There must be robots worse
than I.
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) We've checked around, there
really aren't.
BENDER
(singing) Then please let me explain,
My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks.
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) You stole from boy scouts,
nuns and banks!
BENDER
(singing) Ah, don't blame me blame my
upbringing!
[He steals Beezlebot's wallet.]
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Please stop sinning while
I'm singing!
[He pulls Bender's arm off and kicks him through a hole.]
[Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 5. Bender lands in front of the Beastie
Boys. The Robot Devil picks Bender up by the leg and shakes him.
Hundred of CDs fall out of his chest cabinet.]
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,
Musicians need that income to survive.
BEASTIE BOYS
(singing) Hey, Bender, gonna make some
noise,
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!
That's whatcha whatcha whatcha get on level 5!
[Cut to: Robot Hell Slide. Fry and Leela slide further down.]
FRY
(singing) I don't feel well.
LEELA
(singing) It's up to us to rescue him.
FRY
(singing) Maybe he likes it here in
hell.
LEELA
(singing) It's us who tempted him to
sin.
FRY
(singing) Maybe he's back at the motel.
LEELA
(singing) Come on, Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
So just sit back, enjoy the ride.
FRY
(singing) My ass has blisters from the
slide.
[Cut to: Elevator. Bender and the Robot Devil plunge into Hell.
The Robot Devil takes stuff out of Bender's chest cabinet.]
ROBOT DEVIL
(singing) Fencing diamonds,
Fixing cockfights,
Publishing indecent magazines...
[He kicks Bender out of the elevator.]
You'll pay for every crime,
Knee-deep in electric slime,
You'll suffer 'til the end of time,
Enduring torture's most of which rhyme,
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!
[The music ends and the show finishes with a fireworks display.]
(talking) Of course that's just for starters.
[Fry and Leela fall from the slide screaming and land behind
Beezlebot. They see him and gasp.]
FRY
Bender, are you alright?
BENDER
No! Oh they're tormenting me with up-tempo
singing and dancing.
LEELA
Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take
to get our friend back?
ROBOT DEVIL
Sorry, but I hold all the cards here.
There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll
just sign this fiddle contest waiver.
[Fry takes the pen but Leela stops him.]
LEELA
Wait. What fiddle contest?
ROBOT DEVIL
The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires
me to inform you that if you can best
me in a fiddle contest, you win back
Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold
fiddle.
FRY
Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds
of pounds and sound crummy?
ROBOT DEVIL
Well it's mostly for show.
[He picks up the fiddle and it glints in the light.]
LEELA
(whispering) Do you know how to play
the fiddle?
FRY
(whispering) No, do you?
LEELA
(whispering) No, but I used to play
the drums. They're sorta similar. (talking)
What happens if we lose?
ROBOT DEVIL
You'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle.
Also I guess I'll kill one of you, uh,
him.
[He points at Fry. Fry gulps.]
LEELA
We'll do it.
ROBOT DEVIL
Very well, then. Beat this.
[He plays a tune and uses his tail as an extra arm.]
BENDER
Well, we're boned.
ROBOT DEVIL
Your turn. Ha!
LEELA
Time for the drum solo!
[She beats the Robot Devil over the head with the violin and
he squeals like a little girl.]
FRY
Run!
[They do. Hellbots and flying bugbots chase them. The bugbots
shoot laser rings at them. Bender grabs a pair of a bugbots wings
and flies in and grabs Fry and Leela who are swarmed by a crowd
of Hellbots with pitchforks. Bender ascends and heads for small
hole in the roof.]
ROBOT DEVIL
Stop them! They cheated!
[A bugbot shoots three laser rings at the trio. Two miss but
one catches on Bender's antenna, forming a halo. The Hallejulah
chorus plays and they get closer to the hole. Hellbots pull chains
to close the hole.]
LEELA
Hurry, Bender!
BENDER
I could if you'd drop the stupid gold
violin!
LEELA
Oh, sorry.
[She drops it. It hits Beezlebot on the head. He squeals and
Fry, Leela and Bender escape through the hole.]
[Cut to: Outisde The Inferno. They cheer.]
BENDER
Don't worry, guys, I'll never be too
good or too evil again. From now on,
I'll just be me.
LEELA
Uh, do you think you could be just little
less evil than that.
BENDER
I don't know. Do you think you could
survive a 700ft fall?
[Fry chuckles.]
FRY
Good old Bender!
THE END
[The Beastie Boys perform a remix of the theme
over clips from the episode.]
BEASTIE BOYS
Yeah, Yeah! This one goes out to my
man, Bender
Sending this one out, special dedication
To all my peoples in the robot homeworld
Yeah, yeah! Big up with the professor
My man Dr. Zoidberg
I'd like to shout out - a personal shout out to Leela
Fry! My man Bender
Nibber, Nibbler, in the house
Big shout out to all the Futurama
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