FUTURAMA
Episode 103
"I, ROBOT"
By
Eric Horsted
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table.
The other staff are sat around it for a morning meeting. His
alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's
antenna down.]
BENDER
Hey!
[He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it
looks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence
Of Memory.]
HERMES
Fry, mon, if you're going to be living
in the office you could at least be
on time for work.
FRY
I'm sorry. I was up really late poking
through people's desks.
[He gets up and climbs off the table.]
HERMES
Alright, people. I will now outline
today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin
with point one then race forward --
[He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry is pouring himself a huge
bowl of Bachelor Chow. He turns the tap on and covers it in water.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in
his underwear.]
HERMES
Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's
been leaving food around and it's attracting
owls. And I, for one, am getting tired
of cleaning those owl traps. Now......as
this shocking graph indicates, our water
consumption has tripled in the last
month. I notice Fry has been here for
a month, so I'm appointing him head
of a committee to find who's responsible.
Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's
living here starting to get in the way
of bus -
[He is interrupted again by Fry, who is drying his hair using
the ships engine. Leela runs over and hits the emergency shutdown
button.]
LEELA
What the hell are you doing?! You're
getting a huge dose of radiation!
FRY
And great lift!
LEELA
Do you know how long it's going to take
me to recalibrate these engines?
FRY
Hey, when you look this good, you don't
have to know anything.
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is looking for
something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]
LEELA
Professor, We need to talk to you about
Fry.
BENDER
That's right, we want some money --
wait, what's this about Fry?
LEELA
He's a nice guy but we think it's about
time he got his own place.
FARNSWORTH
Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy.
I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy.
This sarcophagus should contain the
remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled
Zubin 5 over 29 million years ago.
[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
FRY
Hey, Professor, great jerky!
FARNSWORTH
My God, this is an outrage! I was going
to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching
TV.]
ANNOUNCER
Bachelor chow: Now with flavour!
[Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.]
COMMENTATOR
And Bigfoot is down!
FRY
Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150
have anything good on.
[He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert
on the screen.]
ANNOUNCER
All My Circuits is brought to you by
Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for
a robot.
[The picture changes to two robots - Calculon and Monique - sitting
on a bench.]
CALCULON
I've been processing this for some
time, Monique, and well, will you marry
me?
MONIQUE
Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must
know that I'm --
CALCULON
Metric? I've always known. But for
you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
[They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]
FRY
Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.
[Enter Leela and Bender.]
BENDER
Fry, we've got to discuss your living
arrangements.
LEELA
We've all talked it over and --
BENDER
Hey, All My Circuits! Move over. Ahh!
LEELA
Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people
do inconsiderate things without realising
it.
FRY
I know but I forgive you.
LEELA
No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean
this office...
FRY
Uh-huh.
LEELA
...and by "people" I mean you!
FRY
Right.
LEELA
And by "inconsiderate" I mean --
FRY
Leela! We're trying to watch TV.
BENDER
Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise
hole?
[She sighs and walks out.]
FRY
So, who's that weird-looking guy?
BENDER
That's a human.
FRY
What's he do?
BENDER
Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs,
he learns, he loves.
FRY
Boring!
[On the TV a door opens and Calculon walks in.]
HUMAN FRIEND
Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.
CALCULON
That's what I wanted you to think with
your soft, human brain.
[From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room starts getting
further away.]
FRY
Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
[Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the
couch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the
couch outside the front door and go back inside.]
HERMES
We'll bill you for the couch.
[Food-O-Mat. A small café where customers sit at tables and select
their food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.]
BENDER
Cheer up, meatbag, you've barely touched
your amoeba.
FRY
It looked good but I just don't feel
like eating. You want it?
BENDER
Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I
need plenty of wholesome, nutritious
alcohol. The chemical energy keeps
my fuel cells charged.
[He lights a cigar.]
FRY
What are the cigars for?
BENDER
They make me look cool.
[Fry sighs.]
FRY
I can't believe they threw me out like
that. I must have been really acting
like a jerk.
BENDER
Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me,
this jerk. That's my philosophy. So,
where you gonna stay?
FRY
I don't know. Do refrigerators still
come in cardboard boxes?
BENDER
Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.
Why don't you just come move in with
me?
FRY
Really? That'd be great! You sure I
won't be imposing?
BENDER
Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run
down place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much
space between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.]
BENDER
Here we are. Your new home.
FRY
Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a
robot's apartment before.
BENDER
Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
[Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and
turns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a
very tight squeeze.]
BENDER
Let's see, where to start. OK, this
is the TV area, that over there's the
breakfast nook, and over here is where
you'll be living which is great because,
until now, it's just been wasted space.
FRY
It's kinda cramped in here. I don't
even have room to hang my clothes.
BENDER
Look, pal, you've only got one set of
clothes and you're not taking them off
while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
[He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]
FRY
Wait, Bender. Bender?
BENDER
(sleep-talking) Kill all humans...kill
all humans...must kill all the humans.
FRY
Bender, wake up!
[He wakes up and yawns.]
BENDER
I was having the most wonderful dream.
I think you were in it.
FRY
Uh, listen, Bender, uh, where's your
bathroom?
BENDER
Bath what?
FRY
Bathroom.
BENDER
What room?
FRY
Bathroom!
BENDER
What what?
FRY
Ah, never mind!
[He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.]
BENDER
(sleep-talking) Hey, sexy mama...wanna
kill all the humans?
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy are working on the ships
port wing. Bender walks past whistling.]
LEELA
We sure are cheerful this morning.
BENDER
Yeah, this past week with Fry's been
a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm,
sunny exterior, beats the cold, mechanical
heart of a robot.
[Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.]
LEELA
What happened to you?
FRY
Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put
in carpeting yesterday so now my head
hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise
you're standing at a weird angle? Now
you're OK.
LEELA
Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've
got to find a new place to live.
FRY
(sexily) Is that an invitation?
LEELA
Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously,
you've got to tell Bender you're moving
out.
FRY
Yeah, but he might get kind of upset.
I don't think I can do that to him.
[Bender comes back.]
BENDER
Hey, there's my little space heater.
[Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another
laugh and then sighs.]
FRY
Well, I'm moving out!
[Bender laughs then realises what Fry has said.]
BENDER
What?!
FRY
I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just
not enough room.
BENDER
Not enough room? My place is two cubic
metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic
metres. We've got room for a whole nother
two-thirds of a person.
LEELA
What if I just helped the two of you
find a bigger apartment?
BENDER
I don't know. I've got a lot of great
memories in my old place. And now they're
gone.
[Underwater Apartment.]
LANDLORD #1
Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da
above-ground places. But if you like
dank, hey, forget about it!
LEELA
At least it's got a great view.
[A giant squid swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela
scream.]
BENDER
What the?
[The squids tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord
takes a knife out of his boot.]
LANDLORD #1
Excuse me, I gotta go change a lightbulb.
[He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.]
[Surreal Apartment.]
LEELA
Wow! Now this is fantastic!
[The apartment is built in the style of the Escher picture Relativity.]
FRY
Hmm, I'm not sure we want to pay for
a dimension we're not going to use.
[Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across
the stairs...]
[Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment.]
FRY
Well, I give up. What's the catch?
LANDLORD #3
Oh, no catch. Although we are technically
in New Jersey.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the
table.]
FRY
Not one place even remotely liveable.
[Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly...?
To shreds, you say. Well, how is his
wife holding up...? To shreds, you say.
Very well then. Sad, sad, terrible,
gruesome news about my colleague, Dr.
Mobootu.
LEELA
Was his apartment rent-controlled?
[Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper
floor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short,
wears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the
new tenants around.]
LEELA
Wow, this is beautiful.
BENDER
What's with all the crap?
LEELA
It's not crap.
HATTIE
Dr. Mobootu collected this crap while
he was exploring the watcha-call-it...universe!
FRY
Well, this place has everything except
the only thing I care about: A TV.
HATTIE
It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it...idiot!
[She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big
TV.]
FRY
Ooh!
BENDER
Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't
feel like home. It just isn't...cosy.
Ahh, I can barely move. It's perfect!
[Montage Scene. Fry and Bender clear out all the crap from the
apartment to the theme of The Odd Couple. Fry sweeps a load of
junk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with
a poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster
of a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar.
Fry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry
uses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen)
photo of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.]
FRY
Man, it's a total sty! For the first
time in a thousand years, I feel like
I'm home.
BENDER
Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun!
Y'know Fry, of all the friends I've
had, you're the first.
[Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff are arriving
at the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.]
HERMES
Hey, mon!
[Zoidberg walks in an burbles something.]
LEELA
Happy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature
fruit salad tree.
FRY
Ooh! Hey, Amy!
AMY
Hey!
FARNSWORTH
This is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great.
He's teriyaki style.
[Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag and guzzles down a can
of beer. He tosses the empty can on a huge pile of cans.]
BENDER
Wow, heavy drinking crowd! I'd better
go out for more beer.
FRY
Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about
to start!
BENDER
I know, but I need alcohol to power
up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding
doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally
and electrically drained.
[He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static.
He nudges the screen and All My Circuits comes on. He thumbs-ups.]
FRY
Hey!
[Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]
HERMES
These are mighty tasty!
ZOIDBERG
Thank you, I made them myself.
[Hermes chokes and spits the claws out.]
FRY
Shh, the wedding's about to start!
PRIESTBOT
If anyone here objects to this union,
let them speak now or forever hold their
--
[He is interrupted by some beeping. It is the same robot that
was in the bushes when Calculon proposed.]
FRY
Is he objecting or backing up?
AMY
Looks like both.
CALCULON
I'm afraid my half-brother is correct.
You see, I have a terrible secret and
that secret is --
[Bender walks in and the picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.]
AMY
Oh, this isn't right.
HERMES
Oh, come on!
FARNSWORTH
Fix it!
[Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back
in with beer.]
BENDER
Hey what happened to the TV?
FRY
It just went out.
BENDER
This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell
at the manager!
[He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.]
HERMES
Alright!
FRY
(shouting) Come back, Bender, its working!
CALCULON
To reiterate, my terrible secret is
--
[Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.]
FRY
It's out again.
BENDER
What? That's the last straw!
FRY
It's back on!
[Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again.
Everyone groans.]
HATTIE
Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into
what you're doing in here with the crab
and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese
girl but everyone on this floor is having
trouble with their TV reception.
BENDER
Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's
causing it or we're outta this dump!
HATTIE
Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find
the source of the interference.
[She points a thing around the apartment and it beeps slowly.
She points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other
tenants come in, complaining about their TV's. Hattie points
the thing at Bender's antenna again.]
TENANT #1
What's going on?
TENANT #2
We want our TV back!
HATTIE
There's your problem.
AMY
Oh, my God, Bender, it's your thingy!
RANDY
Then get rid of it!
TENANT #1
Get out!
BENDER
You people are nuts. My antenna never
interfered with my old TV.
LEELA
You had cable. This is satellite.
FARNSWORTH
Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted
on the same frequency.
TENANT #2
They're on my cell phone too.
BENDER
Madam, I believe you're mistaken!
[She turns her phone on. Bender's thoughts are indeed on it.]
BENDER
Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!
BENDER
Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat
ass!
RANDY
The robot has to go!
TENANT #1
Yeah.
TENANT #3
Get him out of here!
HATTIE
Well, you heard the mob!
BENDER
Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that
apartment that smelled like a sewer.
You liked that one, right?
FRY
It's tempting, but, well, I am already
kinda settled in here.
BENDER
Or we could live underground with the
mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's
boss!
FRY
Uh, listen, is there maybe some way
we could do this with you going and
me not going?
BENDER
I don't understand.
FRY
Well, you were gonna live in the closet
anyway. Won't you be just as happy back
in your old place?
BENDER
But, then we wouldn't be roommates.
FRY
I'll come visit sometime. And you can
visit me here.
HATTIE
No he can't.
FRY
Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This
way we'll both be happy.
BENDER
(downbeat) Happy. Yeah, that's Bender.
Always happy.
[Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.]
RANDY
Hey, the TV's back on!
PRIESTBOT
We are gathered here to mourn the death
of Calculon; Industrialist, private
eye, friend.
CALCULON
Mind if I give the eulogy?
[Monique gasps.]
MONIQUE
Calculon! You're alive!
[Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.]
RANDY
Calculon's back!
[Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.]
FARNSWORTH
Right, so long.
ZOIDBERG
Goodbye.
AMY
(crying) Do you think Calculon's evil
twin will ever walk again?
HERMES
I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.
[Amy slips over again.]
FRY
Hey, thanks for coming.
[He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces
it back open.]
LEELA
Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How
could you let that mob kick him out?
FRY
Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs.
LEELA
Only when he's in them and you know
it. You really hurt his feelings.
FRY
Don't girl me with that girl stuff.
Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have
feelings.
LEELA
Bender's not a guy, he's a robot.
FRY
Same thing.
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door
and looks in.]
BENDER
It's so big and empty.
[He goes in and closes the door.]
[Cut to: Bender's Apartment.]
BENDER
My roommate's gone. And all he left
behind was an eyelash and three skin
flakes. Oh, what's the point?!
[He throws the bottle down and it smashes.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser
fuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange
rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.]
LEELA
Bender? My God, you're a mess!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto
the couch. Leela follows him in.]
BENDER
Leave me alone!
LEELA
Look at that five o'clock rust. You've
been up all night not drinking, haven't
you?
BENDER
Hey. What I don't do is none of your
business.
LEELA
Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor.
If not for yourself then for the people
who love you.
BENDER
I hate the people who love me and they
hate me.
LEELA
Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss
being Fry's roommate. But there's got
to be a better way to deal with this.
BENDER
Like how? Having my antenna removed?
LEELA
Well, if that would work.
BENDER
Are you crazy? That's Little Bender
you're talking about. I can't cut it
off. You're not a robot or a man so
you wouldn't understand. I gotta get
out of here.
LEELA
Wait! I want you to look me in the eye
and promise you won't get behind the
wheel without some kind of alcoholic
beverage in your hand.
BENDER
I promise nothing!
[He runs out.]
[Bender is walking down a street drunk á la The Lost Weekend
and he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking
oil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of
oil and hits it.]
[Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.]
FRY
What up?
LEELA
I can't just stand by and be silent
about Bender anymore.
FRY
Silent? You've been meddling for two
solid weeks.
LEELA
Well I can't just do that anymore. Your
best friend is out there somewhere destroying
himself.
FRY
Really? I didn't think he'd miss this
apartment that much.
LEELA
He doesn't care about the apartment,
he cares about you. And you turned your
back on him.
FRY
Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew
where he was I'd go talk to him.
[The TV cuts out.]
FRY
Oh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind
stinking sober!
BENDER
That's right! I'm sober and crazy and
I don't know what I might do!
FRY
Don't do it!
BENDER
I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah,
now I remember. I thought I could live
alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do
what it takes to be your roommate again.
[He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.]
LEELA
Bender! Stop!
FRY
Cutting Leela's head off won't solve
anything!
BENDER
No, I'm going to chop off my antenna.
FRY
Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give
you a hand?
LEELA
Fry, don't help him mutilate himself.
FRY
But it's a useless antenna. It's not
like he's a ham radio or something.
BENDER
I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do
it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.
[Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window.
The TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in
a hospital bed.]
FRY
Hey, it works! The static's gone.
HUMAN FRIEND
I hate that this came between us, Calculon.
CALCULON
Me too. I'm filled with a large number
of powerful emotions.
HUMAN FRIEND
You're my best friend. I'm sorry I
treated you so badly.
CALCULON
Apology accepted. After all, you're
only human.
[They hug.]
LEELA
You guys could learn a lesson from those
two.
FRY
She's right.
BENDER
You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry
I treated you so badly.
FRY
Apology accepted. After all, you're
only human.
[They hug.]
LEELA
Wait a minute! You did it all backwards.
Fry's the one who should be......Oh,
never mind!
[Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.]
FRY
What's wrong?
BENDER
Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have
to get used to being half a robot.
FRY
Aww, this isn't right. Listen, Bender,
if we found your antenna could they
still reattach it?
BENDER
Maybe. If we get it on ice right away.
[Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search
for the antenna.]
SMITTY
Bingo!
[He holds up the antenna.]
URL
You call that an antenna?
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry is holding his miniature
fruit salad tree.]
BENDER
This time, you'll have all the human
comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets,
some food cookers, maybe a puppy.
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]
FRY
It's good to be home.
BENDER
It sure is. By the way, I saved your
stuff.
FRY
So that's where those skin flakes went.
Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's
going to get enough light?
BENDER
There's a window in the closet.
[He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a huge living
space. Fry walks into it.]
FRY
This is huge! Bender, why don't I just
live in here?
BENDER
In a closet? Oh, humans!
THE END
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