"INSANE IN THE MAINFRAME"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are in an oval.]
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by ... ... Thompson's Teeth: The
only teeth strong enough to eat other
[The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.
Zoidberg is wearing a suit.]
Good news, everyone! Today marks our
dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year
with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in
[The crew react uninterestedly.]
Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!
I will now read the mandatory speech.
(reading) Dear employee: Has it really
been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please
disregard this and get back to work.
Distribute token of appreciation and
[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and
takes out two coupons.]
Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes
for the price of one! Now if I could
only afford the one ... and the car.
Ah, the years! So many memories, so
many strange fluids gushing out of patients'
Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement.
It's empty because you haven't paid
into it, you dumb stinkbug!
[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]
You kept track of it all these years!
[He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]
Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into
the pension either. What'll I do when
I thought you were retired.
Hey, I don't see you planning for your
I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off
switch to "off".
Well I'm gonna take action. It's time
to check on my retirement fund. Damn!
Still only $100.
(on bill) A penny saved is a penny earned.
Also, could you get some athlete's foot
cream for my face?
He's right! I've gotta start investing
[Outside 7^11. Fry and Bender sit on the kerb. Bender drinks
Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket.
Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud!
So, you got six bucks left to retire
on. I recommend Tender Vittles.
[Big Apple Bank.]
You're opening a retirement account
for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ... ...
mule farmer like yourself is aware that
we charge a $10 monthly fee.
(shrugging) You gotta spend money to
[The teller presses some buttons.]
Here you are, sir. Your account is now
overdrawn by $4.
[An orange robot in the queue behind Bender becomes impatient
and nudges Bender.]
Gee, I've seen lines move faster in
a sperm bank.
That's for sure-- Roberto! Is that
Bender! Hey, man!
[He punches Bender's body a few times and then in the head which
makes it spin. Bender stops it from spinning and laughs.]
You old lunatic! How you been?
Not bad, not bad. Everybody on the
floor! This is a stick-up!
[The customers scream and do as he says. Fry screams and hides
behind a plant. Bender seems oblivious.]
Yeah, I'm doing OK too. I'm taking
a Chinese cooking class at the Learning
Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?
Sure thing, pal.
[He picks up the bag. Fry moves behind the plant.]
Hey, you! Red! Quit watering that plant
and get the door!
[Fry runs for the door and kicks a woman on the way.]
Well, nice talking to you.
Same here. You guys are alright! Here's
something for your trouble.
[He gives then a bag each and leaves.]
[Cut to: Outside Big Apple Bank. Roberto runs off down the street.]
Hey, thanks, buddy!
[Police cars pull up around the door and Smitty and URL jump
on Fry and Bender.]
[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]
Freeze, punks! You're under arrest!
(on $1000 bill) Shoot them in the back!
Quick! While they're not looking!
[Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented
by the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender is wearing a tie and jacket.]
Court is in session. The Honourable
Judge Whitey presiding.
The charge is bank robbery. Now, my
caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank
is a place where people put money that
isn't properly invested. Therefore,
robbing a bank is tantamount to that
most heinous of crimes: Theft of money!
[He bangs his gavel.]
[Time Lapse. The surveillance camera is in the witness box.]
As the surveillance camera for the bank
what all the judge was a-jawing about,
could ya'll tell us what you done seen
the day of the crime?
Well, let's see. My memory's a little
fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:
[It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking
the money from Roberto. The court gasps.]
Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred
for introducing this evidence against
my own clients.
[Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]
Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot
a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?
I sure do! That's the real robber and
I'll never forget his name as long as
I live. And that name is--
[The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised
Roberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry.
(shouting) Fry! Just give a name. You
don't wanna look stupid on Court TV!
You're right. You're right. It was--
[A mobile phone playing Mozart's Eine Kleine Nacht Musik as a
ringtone goes off. It is Judge Whitey's.]
Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll
be killed? Oh. It's for you.
[He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]
...and the other hamburger will...
[Roberto is sat among other people who don't seem to notice he
is talking on his phone.]
...also be made of your lungs. So long,
[He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]
I refuse to testify on the grounds that
my organs will be chopped up into a
Ah, the 67th Amendment.
[The Hyper-Chicken leans into Bender.]
I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken
but I know when we're finger-licked.
Whattya say we plead insanity?
A few months in an insane asylum? I
could do that standing on my head.
If you start now, it might help our
[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]
Counselor, what evidence do you offer
to support this new plea of insanity?
Well, for one, they done hired me to
[Whitey bangs his gavel.]
Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender,
I hereby commit you to the asylum for
criminally insane robots until such
time as you are deemed cured.
Yahoo! The system fails again!
And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the
home for criminally insane humans.
Your Honour, that facility has been
full ever since you ruled that being
poor is a mental illness.
Order! Order! The only poor people
I want to hear about are the people
who tend to my pores at the spa. Just
send them both to the robot loony bin
and let's go.
[Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps "Defective
Electronics" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard
box and it is taped up. The men then "roll" the box out of the
room by tipping it onto each side.]
(from box) Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!
Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!
Keep your chin up!
(from box) Ow! My chin!
[Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and
other robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps
Bender on the shoulder.]
I don't belong here, Bender. This is
an asylum for insane robots!
Well, you meet half the qualifications.
[He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying
"Physical Exam" over the doorway.]
Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine
my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll
see I'm not a--
[A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with
nothing but his naked pink skin. He moves along the belt, through
the door and screams.]
[Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and
taken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick
up Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills
through Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when
he sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates
inside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we
see a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next.
His stomach acid starts to boil.]
(shouting) I find that offensive!
[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor
of Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma
ball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He
speaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling
and lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]
Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let
me give you something to help you relax.
[He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]
Look! There's been a terrible mistake.
I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy
and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.
Yes, you do. You need to relax more.
Terrific. Now, consider the following:
You were admitted to this robot asylum.
Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis
[The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]
I do other human stuff! I age! See?
[He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes
I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with
me, won't you?
[A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes
out and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her
arm as a winch.]
[Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet is holding Fry against
her in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]
We'll meet your roommate next, shall
we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.
The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices
really were insane.
He's very excitable. So don't say anything
to excite him.
[Fry steps in.]
[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door closes. The cell is a tiny
space, the right size for a robot. Malfunctioning Eddie is standing
with a cigarette, shaking a little. He holds out his hand.]
Pleased to meet you.
Actually, we've met once before.
[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing
cards, a sign that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter
to Yourself Here But it Helps", a robot caressing a column and
I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.
I'm a pretty girl.
[Bender sits with Fry.]
Whoa! Someone had a busy day.
My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta
help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm
You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.
I don't wanna!
Hey, man. I believe you're a human.
Sure. They don't believe I'm a human
either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme
introduce you around. Fry, meet Norm.
How's it going, pal? Still picking up
transmissions from the CIA on your teeth?
They just won't stop!
[He opens his mouth and his teeth have little revolving satellite
dishes on them.]
The CIA cafeteria menu for the week
of May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's
[They look at an Abraham Lincoln robot in the corner.]
Let me guess: He thinks he's Lincoln?
Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's
got multiple personalities; all of them
[The robot stands up.]
I was born in 200 log cabins.
[Hal Institue Cafeteria. Fry and Unit 2013 queue for dinner.]
And this here is Frankie. He's convinced
he's a lunchroom worker, so they put
him to work in the lunchroom. (patronising)
How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?
[Frankie ladels some oil onto Fry's tray. Fry then sits at a
table with a Pay 'n' Chew vending machine, the Lincolnbot, Bender,
Unit 2013 and some other robots.]
[The robots move around the table. They knock into Fry and he
spills his oil on his gown.]
Bender, I can't take much more of this!
I want outta here!
Are you crazy? This place is great!
Electroshock whenever you want it, two
Lincolns for every Napoleon. Ah! Sweet
[He takes some money sticking out from the vending machine pay
slot and wipes his mouth with it.]
But I'm not a robot like you. I don't
like having discs crammed into me. Unless
they're Oreos - and then only in the
mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna
Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it
like a robot.
[The robots move again and Fry spills more oil.]
[Hal Institute Visitors' Room. A banner advertises "Gibberish
Translators Available". Victor sits with Malfunctioning Eddie.]
The doctor says you are making great
strides with your exploding problem.
Well the way I see it=--
[He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table
are Fry, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes. Fry has his
arms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender is
wearing a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door.
One of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the
You gotta get me out of here. I would
have starved to death if not for that
sick vending machine robot. Gimmie!
[He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]
Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for
We're all trying to help you. We've
petitioned the governor but he doesn't
want to appear soft on people who've
been falsely imprisoned.
At least I have friends on the outside.
Bender's been no help at all.
Je suis Napoleon! No, seriously, I'm
Bender! You should be more ashamed of
yourself than usual.
Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying
to get through a difficult time using
[Nurse Ratchet wheels past.]
Visiting hours are over. Time for our
[The Planet Express staff get up to leave. Fry grabs Farnsworth.]
(shouting) Help me! For God's sake,
Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent
a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum.
But now it's nearly over. So long.
[Hal Institute Cell. It is night and Fry and Malfunctioning Eddie
are sleeping. Fry mutters in his sleep.]
(sleep-talking) Thirty days hath September,
April, June and ... wonder ... is that
peanut butter ... what am I gonna do?
(talking) Oh, God! What? What? What
is it now?
[The door opens. Nurse Ratchet and Dr. Perceptron are outside.]
You are being released.
Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy
Not you. Him.
[He points at Malfunctioning Eddie.]
Me? What a surprise. Look!
[Cut to: Hal Institute Corridor. Eddie rolls out of the cell.]
I barely exploded at all.
[He and Perceptron roll away.]
We can control that with medication.
Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?
[A porter pushes a metal box to the cell doorway.]
[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door of the box opens revealing
Roberto. Fry gasps.]
Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?
[Roberto steps out and holds up his knife.]
I got busted robbing that bank again.
Why would you hold up the same bank
Ah, that first time was just to case
the joint and rob it a little. What's
the matter? You scared?
N--, n--, n--
Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back,
I gotta practice my stabbing.
[He stabs at the air and makes nutcase noises. Fry ducks and
dodges the knife.]
No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!
[Bender bangs from the next cell.]
(shouting; from cell) Hey! Keep it down
in there! I'm tuning my banjo!
[He tunes it and Fry keeps dodging the knife.]
Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself
[He stabs some more.]
I'm not a robot! (shouting) I'm not
[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. The other Planet Express
staff are there.]
In answer to your question, Hermes,
yes, your friend is cured.
What a relief!
[The door opens and Fry walks in with an emotionless look on
You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions
(mechanical voice) Affirmative. I feel
nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep
[The Planet Express staff gasp.]
You've made a terrible mistake. He's
a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!
[She holds Fry to her chest and he "beeps" faster. Nurse Ratchet
pushes Bender in a wheelchair past the door. He sings and plays
(singing) Gonna sing a little tale about
a battle called Waterloo. (talking)
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the examination
table and the other staff stand around.]
Listen to me, Fry. Just because you
think you're a robot, doesn't make you
a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor
but that doesn't make me a doctor. These
fancy clothes do!
(mechanical voice) Negative. I must
be a robot. Why else would human women
refuse to date me?
[Leela strokes his hair.]
Oh, lots of reasons.
(mechanical voice) Bio-units, terminate
noise exchange. It is time for you to
ingest sandwiches from my compartment.
[He unzips his trousers, takes out two sandwiches and offers
them to the others. They back away.]
[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender tunes Norm's teeth with a screwdriver.]
Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!
And down the stretch, it's Daddy's
Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial
Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's
Come on, Lasty!
[He is pushing a hover-bed. Bender turns around and fakes surprise.]
Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see
you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't
squeal on you, remember? Remember all
that squealing I didn't do? Remember?
Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead.
And don't ham it up!
Uh, sure. Anything for you, buddy.
[Enter Dr. Perceptron.]
Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.
[From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron
and making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed
wearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing
the bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]
Uh, what's with the get-up?
I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking
of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill
ya so you don't squeal?
I'm in! I'm in! So when were you planning
I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.
[Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the
institute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender
jumps off the bed.]
Quick! Let's keep escaping!
[They run off into the woods.]
[Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts
and bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]
[Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is
a small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through
it and into the river.]
[Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds
later they crash through the back and take off in a biplane.
The biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn
doors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]
[Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]
Times two, carry the one ...
[He presses a "carry the one" button on his calculator and looks
up to see Fry standing beside him.]
Oh, you sad, worthless human.
[He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located
What are ya--? Sacred hog of Prague!
That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!
Fear not! For I shall assist ye!
Robots don't say "ye"!
Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall
meet your calculatory needs. What is
the meaning of this symbol?
That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired
loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
[Fry narrows his eyes.]
I'll show ye!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the
ship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps.
She grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the
spanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]
Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.
[He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil
from Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside
pocket. He tries the nut again.]
You're not a tool-bot. You're not a
food-motron. You're not a robot of any
Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered
my primary function yet.
OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to
remind Fry of his humanity the way only
a woman can.
You're going to do his laundry?
[Amy slaps him.]
(sexfully) Fry, this is for you.
[She kisses him. Fry smiles and Leela smiles back, thinking she's
Oh, for God's sake!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another
bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's
By a scallop's forelocks! What's with
all the beer, Fry?
(drunk) Alcohol fuels my power cells.
And as a mighty robot, I-- Beep.
[He starts to snore.]
[New New York City Street.]
Thanks for helping me escape, Bender.
Oh, it was nothing.
(shouting) It was not nothing! (talking)
I wanna repay you. Let me get you something
[He drags Bender into the Big Apple Bank.]
[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]
(shouting) Hands up! This is a stick-up
Wow! Hitting the same place three times?
I admire your style, Roberto.
[Roberto walks to the teller.]
Gimmie the remaining dough. And the
calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear
it so most of the beads are on my end!
[The teller ducks and URL and Smitty stand up behind her with
their lasers armed.]
Police! You're busted!
And don't try anything. This glass here
is laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck!
[Roberto pulls the glass clean off the mount and with his arm
still poking through he grabs the money.]
Come on! I got a place where I like
to hide after crimes.
[They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto
uses the glass as a sheild until they are out of the door.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch Fry sleeping on the
Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken
[Enter Bender and Roberto.]
(panting) Hey, everybody. Meet my good
Nice to meet you.
(on megaphone; from outside) Come out
with your hands up.
[Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto
stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]
Back off! I got hostages!
Hooray! I'm helping!
(on megaphone) Do you have any better
[The megaphone is built into URL.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Roberto turns around.]
To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna
execute some of you. How 'bout you?
[He nicks Farnsworth's neck.]
Ouch! That's going to bleed when my
Wait! Take me first!
Yes! Take her first.
Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!
[Time Lapse. More police cars have arrived outside. Roberto has
everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter
Oh, the fear!
[Roberto kneels next to Bender.]
I'm thinking of a number between one
and ten. Guess it and you die first.
Um ... OK. Fixty ... six ... ish?
56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can
think about! I'm gonna kill you, you
... no good ... 56-ing--
[Bender squeals. Roberto jabs at his with the knife and Bender
extends his head on a cable, dodging the knife.]
Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come
down with Stockholm syndrome ... handsome!
Halt, fellow robot!
[He stands up from behind the couch.]
Hey, Red. You're just in time to join
the hostage situation. Which side you
wanna be on?
The side that kicks your twisted, metal
Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful.
Negative, bossy meat creature. I know
now what my primary function is: I am
a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the
weak from crazy robots.
I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!
I'm just not user-friendly!
Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered
by the health plan!
Let's see how much of a robot you really
[He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry
doesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the
tin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak
through his jacket.]
No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium
[He starts walking towards Roberto, spinning his arms and making
a mechanical noise. Roberto backs away.]
Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody
help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled
the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No!
Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!
[He throws the knife at Fry and it slices open his arm. Fry doesn't
notice and keeps walking towards him. He screams and jumps through
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Roberto falls and lands in the
road. His left eye and right arm are broken. He whimpers and
(on megaphone) We're willing to listen
to your demands.
[He starts to put the receiver back into URL's body.]
Hey, baby. Wash that off before you
put it back.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]
Who's brave now?
[Fry starts to untie them.]
You did it, Fry.
Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit
to my race.
(mechanical voice) It was nothing. I--
(normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood.
I must be a, a--
A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!
[Time Lapse. The police cars clear away. Zoidberg cuts a bandage
that he has wrapped around Fry's wound.]
Thanks for saving us, Fry.
[She kisses him on the cheek.]
I'm gonna continue never washing this
Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy
skin, but inside, you've got the heart
of a robot.
Aw. Thanks, Bender.
Just like inside me, I've got the heart
of a human. What?
(over credits) What?