FUTURAMA
Episode 505
"KIF GETS KNOCKED UP A NOTCH"
By
Bill Odenkirk
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Bigfoot's Choice.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Amy flies in on a party-board.]
AMY
Woohoo! Shman! The Great Rad Spot is
mega sweet for mega party-boarding.
FARNSWORTH
Indeed.
AMY
Any calls while I was out?
LEELA
Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission
from Kif a couple hours ago.
[Amy gasps.]
AMY
My Kiffie called? Kif?
KIF [ON SCREEN]
Ooo Amy you're back. Another hour and
I would have thought about hanging up.
AMY
Why didn't you just leave a message
sweetie?
KIF [ON SCREEN]
Well um, I've left hundreds of messages
with your answering machine but you
never seem to...
AMY (SHOUTING)
Bender!
BENDER
Not my fault if you don't check me!
Messages erased.
KIF [ON SCREEN]
Oh dearest, this long distance relationship
is too much to bear......when even an
inch seperates us I quiver with misery.
So you can imagine how I feel when it's
a billion light years.
[He cries.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room.]
AMY [ON SCREEN]
Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy
ache.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. On the screen Zapp walks up
behind Kif.]
ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
Lieutenant, some things came off me
and clogged the drain so if you could......oh
ho! What's this?
[Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room. Zapp zooms the screen in
on Leela.]
ZAPP
Well well well! Do my eyes believe me
or is that my bosomy swan, Leela?
LEELA [ON SCREEN]
Say again. You're breaking up!
[She throws the book she is reading at the screen.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela's book hits the screen
and smashes it, cutting off the line. Amy groans. Enter Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news everyone. You'll be delivering
pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel
7.
[Enter Scruffy, wheeling in a huge pill.]
SCRUFFY
Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill!
AMY
You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol
near there! You could drop me off on
the way!
FARNSWORTH
We could but we won't! It's a spaceship
dammit not a prom limousine! If anyone
needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.
[He leaves, waving his fists.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off. Farnsworth
paces around and curses in the Angry Dome which is a small transparent
structure in the roof between the hangar and Farnsworth's home
dome.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship leaves Earth orbit.]
LEELA
This is a very long trip, so we'll all
have to go into hibernative-naptosis
to save oxygen.
[She presses a button and the lights dim. Bender curses.]
BENDER
I don't even breathe oxygen!
[He shuts down.]
[Ship's Cargo Bay. The crew are asleep. In the darkness of the
cargo bay, the giant pill begins to shake. It breaks apart and
Amy climbs out of it.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Amy sneaks past a snoring Bender, sits
in the pilot's seat and takes control of the ship.]
AMY (WHISPERING)
Here I come Kif!
[She turns the ship around and laughs.]
[Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches Casper The Friendly Ghost on the
screen and chuckles.]
ZAPP
They jump right out of their pants!
Oh what now? Activate glass window.
Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance
in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship
intimacy!
KIF
Yes sir captain!
[Cut to: Outside Nimbus. The front section of the Nimbus's starboard
leg opens up and swallows the Planet Express ship à la the SPECTRE
spaceship in You Only Live Twice.]
[Cut to: Leela's Quarters. The lights come on and a startled
Leela wakes up. She turns over and sees Zapp lying beside her.]
ZAPP
How 'bout I help you finish that dream
you were having about me?
LEELA
OK, I was just at this part: Heyya!
[She punches him and he falls off the bed.]
ZAPP
Uh, let's try that a little lower and
a lot softer!
[Kif's Quarters. Kif and Amy sit on his bed.]
KIF
Imagine you stowing away and stealing
a licenced starship! Oh it's so romantic
it gives me the shivvers!
[He shivvers.]
AMY
I don't care how much trouble I get
in. I needed to feel my lips pressed
against your lipless beak!
[They kiss.]
KIF
Oh Amy, I can't stand having a whole
universe between us. I've been thinking
a lot about this and, well, would you
move in with me?
AMY
Here? But...uh...wouldn't it be crowded?
KIF
No no, it's really twice the size! You
can use the floor and, I'll have the
ceiling! See?
[He climbs up the wall and onto the ceiling. Amy giggles.]
AMY
Kif! You have so much creativity and
niceness, but......I'm not sure if I
-
KIF
Hush! Before you answer, come thither!
[Nimbus Holo-Shed. A bare room which looks very similar to the
Holodeck from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The walls, floors
and ceiling are criss-crossed with lines. Amy looks around.]
KIF
This is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate
anything you desire, and nothing can
hurt you. Except when it malfunctions
and the holograms become real.
AMY
Well, that probably won't happen this
time.
KIF
I wanted to show you what life would
be like if we were together. Computer:
Run program Kif-1.
[The environment changes to a mountainous landscape with a small
house in the background. Amy gasps.]
AMY
This is so beautiful! Spirit! Kif!
That's the pony I always wanted but
my parents said I had too many ponies
already!
KIF
Yes. I prgorammed it in for you! 4 million
lines of BASIC! And, if this isn't the
life you want, how 'bout this? Run program
Kif-2!
[The environment changes to a night-time scene by a moonlit lake.]
AMY
Oh Kif!
[They put their arms around each other.]
KIF
We could live here by the shore of the
tranquilibrious sea, in a timeshare.
And I would pluck the moon from the
sky, just to see you smile. Almost
got it. It seems to be sort of, stuck!
I love you! Run program Kif://3.
[The environment changes to a castle in the clouds.]
AMY
This isn't bad. My aunt had a place
like this.
KIF
Amy, we could live in a bus station
bathroom for all I care. As long as
we're together it will feel like a castle
to me.
AMY
Kif, I'd love to live with you...someday.
But before then there's still lots I
wanna do on my own. What was that?
KIF
Oh dear. I feel the Holo-Shed might
be broken again. Well, as long as we
don't cross paths with Atilla the -
[...Hun bursts through the castle gates followed by Moriarty
from the Sherlock Holmes novels, Jack The Ripper and an evil
Abraham Lincoln.]
AMY
Look! Spirit!
[Atilla the Hun is riding Spirit, who rears up and roars like
a very angry rabid horse.]
KIF
And there's Professor Moriarty, Jack
The Ripper, Evil Lincoln!
[Evil Lincoln cackles.]
MORIARTY
Right-o gents it's another simulation
gone mad so murder and mayhem, standard
procedure!
[They start wrecking the castle.]
JACK THE RIPPER
Rampage!!
EVIL LINCOLN
Real hologram simulated Evil Lincoln
is back!!
[He smashes his axe into the castle's wall and the environment
fizzles out, leaving Kif, Amy and the holograms in the bare Holo-Shed.
Kif and Amy run out.]
[Nimbus Bridge. Klaxons wail and red lights flash on and off.
Enter Amy and Kif.]
KIF
The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again,
the characters turned real!
ZAPP
Damn. The last time that happened I
got slapped with three paternity suits.
Listen up history's greatest villains......Get
back into the Holo-Shed before I start
blasting!
ATILLA THE HUN
Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space
canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
ZAPP
Spare me your space-age technobabble
Atilla The Hun!
[He shoots at the holograms. They dodge the lasers and one shot
hits the wall. The bridge starts decompressing. The holograms
are blown out into space through the hole. Leela grabs hold of
Zapp's chair, Fry grabs her legs and Bender grabs Fry's legs.
His chest cabinet opens and an Egyptian artefact falls out. He
groans. Zapp flies by and grabs Bender's legs. His toupeé wobbles
in the wind. On the other side of the bridge Amy starts losing
her grip on Kif's hand.]
AMY
Kif! Hold on!
KIF
I totally want to!
[His hand slips out of his glove. Amy grabs his face but loses
her grip and the wind carries him towards the hole. He grabs
hold of Leela.]
LEELA
Grab on!
[He loses his grip on her and grabs Fry's trouser leg.]
FRY
Over here!
[He reaches for Bender but he doesn't help.]
KIF
Hold me!
BENDER
Have a good one! Aw, man!
[Zapp breathes a sigh of relief and straightens his toupeé.]
ZAPP
After all that I could use some relaxation.
I'll be in the Holo-Shed.
[Nimbus Sick Bay & Horta Burn Clinic. A doctor finishes examining
Zapp.]
DOCTOR
Well, except for a few broken bones,
some internal hemoraging and a partially
barfed up heart, everyone appears fine.
Oh and Kif is pregnant.
[Everyone gasps. Kif hugs Amy.]
KIF
Oh joy!
[Time Lapse.]
KIF
Amy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant!
AMY (UNSURE)
Yes it's...great. A great miracle.
LEELA
And not one of those bogus everyday
miracles like a sunrise. Aren't you
a male?
BENDER
Yeah what's the deal? Just when I thought
I'd figured out you biological creatures,
its something else! Lemme at 'im! Come...over...lemme...!
[Kif shakes.]
ZAPP
Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear
on how anyone gets pregnant. So Kif,
pray explain. And don't spare the dirty
words where appropriate.
KIF
Well it's quite simple really. When
one of my species experiences deep feelings
of love we enter a so called "receptive
state."
ZAPP
You disgust me! Go on.
KIF
At that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable
membrane which allows the passage of
genetic material. I held Amy's hand
and voila.
BENDER
Oh OK. but that better be all there
is!
KIF
Oh Amy! You'll be a mother!
[He hugs her.]
[Kif's Quarters. Everyone except Zapp is there. Even Evil Lincoln.]
KIF
What a wonderous affirmation of our
love! And all from the touch of your
hand.
[He laughs and rolls around.]
FRY
Dude hold up! Remember when Zapp blew
a hole in the ship?
EVIL LINCOLN
Indeed.
FRY
Kif touched everybody there. Couldn't
any one of us be the mother?
AMY
Hey yeah! I mean...what about that
Kif?
KIF
Well I suppose I might have gotten pregnant
that way. Or even from a toilet seat.
Though that's impossible since I have
a private washroom.
[Kif's toilet flushes and Zapp emerges from the washroom.]
ZAPP
Ah, my home away from home. By the way
Kif, your flush seemed to be set on
stun, not kill.
[Kif trembles.]
AMY
Look Kif, I probably am the mother.
Although maybe I'm not. Of course I
hope I am but just in case I'm not,
maybe we should have a test.
BENDER
A test. I demand a test!
[Planet Express: Hangar. A huge piece of equipment is in the
middle of the room. Everyone stands around it.]
FARNSWORTH
Even I laughed at me when I built this
alien cross species genetic analyser
but I guess I showed myself! Subjects,
please enter the chamber. Now to take
a DNA sample. When I pull this switch
the maternifuge will spin at 10,000
RPM, seperating out everyone who isn't
the mother....father...whatever.
[He pulls the switch and the maternifuge starts spinning. Everyone
in it screams. Farnsworth drops the floor from underneath them.]
BENDER
Faster! Faster!
[Fry flies out of the maternifuge and hits a mattress.]
FARNSWORTH
Good. Fry's ejection indicates that
he is not the man-mom. Nor is Captain
Brannigan.
[Kif wipes his forehead.]
KIF
Oh thank you merciful God!
[Zoidberg flies out.]
FARNSWORTH
Zoidberg?! What the hell were you doing
in there?
ZOIDBERG
That's where I live. I have no home.
[Everyone watches as Leela and Amy spin around in the maternifuge.
Someone screams as they fly through the tube. It is Amy. Kif
looks in horror.]
KIF
Amy? But that means...
[He looks in the slowing maternifuge. Leela is the only one left.
She slides out.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
KIF
Leela must have impregnated me when
she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains
the poster in hygiene class: No Glove,
No Love.
LEELA
Wow, this is all so confusing.
ZAPP
Leela! How could you? Our love has had
to endure your constant hatred and now
this? (crying) Stop testing our love!
KIF
Please captain. I thank Leela for the
DNA she gave me but in my species, the
true parent is the one that inspired
the initial feeling of love. We call
that person the smizmar. And my smizmar
is Amy.
ZAPP
So the toilet seat is like the uncle
or something?
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are out for drinks.]
LEELA
Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
AMY
That's OK, at least Kif's baby shower
should be fun. I'd better put it on
my calendar. (to calendar) Thursday:
Baby shower. Enter. Might as well plan
for my new life while I'm at it. (to
calendar) Set Motherhood Mode.
[The calendar erases all of Amy's entries and replaces it with
Motherhood. Amy sighs. Leela raises her glass.]
LEELA
To motherhood.
[The clink their glasses and guzzle back their drinks.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Everyone
has gathered for Kif's baby shower. Leo and Inez Wong are there
too.]
AMY
Mom, Dad, I know this is weird but -
MRS WONG
Yeah yeah, we don't care how squishy
alien get pregnant. All we care is we
have grandchild now.
KIF
You're very open-minded Mrs Wong.
MR WONG
Hey! You call her grandma now!
MRS WONG
Call me grandma like crazy! All the
time!
[Fry taps his glass.]
FRY
Check it out y'all. Everyone we invited
is here.
ZOIDBERG
Also Zoidberg!
FRY
So lets open the gifts!
[Everyone cheers.]
KIF
Lets start with this one. From Bender.
[He opens the box and sees the gift. It is a pair of mounted
robot shoes.]
BENDER
It's my booties from when I was a kid.
AMY
Uh, they're already bronzed.
BENDER
They are bronze.
[Kif is about to open another gift.]
KIF
And this one's from Leela, oh I just
love the bow! I wonder what it is!
[He starts to open it. Zapp puts his arm around Leela.]
ZAPP
Yes I wonder what we got you.
[Leela elbows him in the stomach. Kif takes the present out of
the box.]
KIF
It's a basket! F-for picnics?
LEELA
It means a lot to me. It's the basket
my parents left me in at the Orphanarium.
HERMES
You could use it for picnics.
MRS WONG
Here Amy. We get this one for you.
[Amy is excited.]
AMY
Is it a party board?
[She opens it.]
MRS WONG
It's a board alright! An ironing board!
MR WONG
We had your old party board converted
now that you not be partying anymore.
AMY
You, you trashed my party board?
MRS WONG
Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only
surfing you do is under a big wave of
responsibilty.
KIF
Oh this is the happiest moment of my
life! You all brought such wonderful
gifts! But the greatest gift...
BENDER
Mine!
KIF
...is the bond I share with my smizmar
Amy. And soon, the quivvering mass of
life within me will depend on us both.
Even now I can sense it feeding, squirming,
searching, questing and shortly, it
will wren my loins into way and pull
us down, down, down into the deep dark
waters of commitment.
ZOIDBERG
That's so beautiful!
[He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]
AMY (CRYING)
Yes, yes it's......no! I can't do this!
[She runs out of the room crying. Everyone gasps.]
BENDER
Oh my God!
[Zoidberg cries like a baby.]
[Time Lapse. Mr and Mrs Wong and Zapp have left.]
KIF
Oh how could Amy leave me? When will
women learn to take responsibilty for
the children they've helped create?
The quickening! My time is near. I
must return to my homeworld to perform
the ancient birthing rites.
SCRUFFY
Lemme know how that turns out.
[He munches a biscuit.]
[Amphibios 9 Jungle. The Planet Express ship lands in a jungle
area and snaps through some vines. New ones quickly grow again,
covering the ship.]
[Time Lapse. The crew, Kif and Zapp walk through the jungle.
Kif stops.]
KIF
I must now embark on a perilous journey.
To give birth in precisely the same
swamp I was born.
LEELA
If it's so dangerous I'd better go with
you. A gal has to protect her DNA.
KIF
No Leela. Tradition demands that I make
this journey with my smizmar, and since
Amy isn't here I must go it alone. Farewell.
For we may never meet again.
[He walks towards the thick of the jungle but falls over.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender hack away at plants in front
of them while Leela carries Kif.]
KIF
My scrapes feel a little better now.
[Bender sees a large blue thing.]
BENDER
Hey, what's this fat ugly thing? A frog?
A toad? Or your momma!
[He laughs. The thing grabs him with it's tongue and starts to
swallow him.]
KIF
It's a poisonous froad! No one move.
[He inflates his head. The froad screams and drops Bender.]
BENDER
I'm back baby!
[Kroker Swamp.]
KIF
Behold. The sacred ancestral birthing
grounds of my family.
[Zapp sniffs.]
ZAPP
Smells like a jockstrap.
[An Amphibion rises from the middle of the swamp.]
MIDWIFE
I am the Grand Midwife.
FRY
Hi!
KIF
I am Kif of the clan Kroker. I come
to bear my young.
MIDWIFE
Then let the Tea Of New Life be brewed.
As it is written "and both shall lift
the jug together". Where is your smizmar?
KIF
She's not with me.
MIDWIFE
Oh the sorrow. Oh the shame. I'm sorry
I'm probably just making you feel worse.
KIF
As long as Amy is with me in my heart
I will have the strength of two. Apparently
Amy hasn't been working out much lately.
[He drags it a little way.]
MIDWIFE
As the tea boils please join hands with
your beloved smizmar. Oh right sorry,
but I memorised the ceremony by heart
and it mentions her a lot.
KIF
I'll try to endure.
MIDWIFE
Good 'cause I'm not changing it. Now
turn ye to and gaze deeply into each
other's eyes.
[Kif looks at Bender.]
BENDER
What are you looking at?
MIDWIFE
May the love I sense between you at
this moment remain with you both for
all your days. The Tea Of New Life
is ready. Let those who's love created
this life speak each other's names,
then drink.
[Kif looks into the cup and cries.]
KIF
Amy.
AMY (SHOUTING)
Kif!
[Everyone looks up and gasps. Amy flies towards the swamp on
her party/ironing board.]
KIF
Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy
with lonliness?
BENDER
Both.
[Amy lands and falls off.]
AMY
I still don't know if I'm ready for
this but, I do know I love you. And
I wanna be here beside you.
MIDWIFE
Great! Now I lost my place! I'm starting
over!
[Kif's bump rumbles.]
KIF
Oh no time! It has begun! Oh my!
[Everyone else cringes at what is happening. Bender pulls out
a camera and takes a photo.]
BENDER
Neat!
AMY
You can do it Kif!
[Kif pushes again.]
KIF
Oh nearly!
[He pushes some more and eventually some spawn comes from between
his legs and makes a huge splash. Leela, Fry and Zapp cover their
noses.]
BENDER
Aww man!
[Some one and two eyed tadpoles hop out from the spawn and head
for the swamp.]
KIF
Amy my love, tell me, are they making
it to the water?
[Some snakes and flying things surround the tadpoles. Leela breaks
a huge leaf off a plant and throws it to Amy.]
LEELA
Amy!
[Amy catches it and starts beating back the animals.]
AMY
Shoo! Stay away from my babies!
[A flying thing picks a tadpole up. Amy smacks it with the leaf
and the tadpole falls to the ground. The rest of the animals
turn around and the tadpoles hop into the water.]
MIDWIFE
The birthing is complete!
[Everyone cheers and gathers around Kif and Amy.]
KIF
Oh thank you!
MIDWIFE
I will now take my leave. I live here
so I won't actually be going anywhere
but you don't have to talk to me anymore.
FRY
Congratulations!
ZAPP
Nice work!
BENDER
Way to go squishy!
[The tadpoles swim away.]
LEELA
There goes my DNA. What a disgusting
and beautiful process.
FRY
That's birth for you.
KIF
Well we've given them a great start
Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout
legs and crawl back onto land as children.
AMY
And I'll be ready then.
[They hug and watch their children swim around in the swamp.
Two leap into the air and bump their heads.]
THE END
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