FUTURAMA
Episode 310
"LUCK OF THE FRYRISH"
By
Ron Weiner
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Broadcast Simultaneously One Year
In Future.]
[(Old New York; The Past) Brooklyn Pre-Med Junior Hospital. A
woman is in labour in a delivery room. Her husband sits in the
corner reading Cold Warrior magazine. They are Fry's parents.]
DOCTOR
Push Mrs Fry, push!
MR FRY
You can do it honey! Squeeze one out
for America!
[He goes back to reading his magazine.]
MRS FRY
(shouting) Hey keep it down it's the
9th inning!
[She holds a portable radio to her ear.]
MRS FRY
Swing the bat you bum!
[The doctor lifts up a baby. It cries.]
DOCTOR
It's a boy. And look at that red hair.
MR FRY
You sayin' my son's a commie?
[Mrs Fry cheers.]
MRS FRY
This is the happiest day of my life!
[The doctor puts the baby on her lap.]
DOCTOR
Here's your baby ma'am.
MRS FRY
Yeah OK thanks.
MR FRY
So, what should we name him?
MRS FRY
Uh, you pick. I picked dinner last night.
MR FRY
Well, I was thinking Philip. After those
screwdrivers?
MRS FRY
That's a fantastic idea. More morphine
please.
[Hospital Room. Mr Fry puts Philip in a bed and introduces his
brother to him.]
MR FRY
Look Yancy, its your baby brother Philip.
YANCY
I wanna be named Philip! Me Philip!
Me Philip!
MR FRY
Son your name is Yancy, just like me
and my grandfather and so on. All the
way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who
blasted commies in the American Revolution.
Philip, until I find a suitable model
of an ICBM you'll have to make do learnin'
to fear this toy spacecraft.
[He turns the mobile on and leaves. Philip laughs as the mobile
turns around. Yancy snatches away the rocket.]
YANCY
Mine! Mine!
[Philip starts crying. Yancy throws the rocket out the window.]
[Fade to: (The Present (i.e. The Future)) The Planet Express
ship flies down to Earth and lands in the car park outside Flushing
Downs.]
[Flushing Downs Stands. The horse race starts and the crew stand
up and cheer.]
FRY
(shouting) C'mon!
HERMES
(shouting) Baby needs a new pair of
shoes!
ZOIDBERG
To hell with your spoiled baby, I need
those shoes!
[The horses cross the finish line.]
FARNSWORTH
No fair! You changed the outcome by
measuring it.
[He tears up his slip. Fry looks through some binoculars.]
LEELA
How'd you do Fry?
FRY
I'll tell you when my horse finishes...bad.
[Cut to: Flushing Downs Luxury Box. Mr and Mrs Wong and Amy stand
talking in the box while a classy orchestra plays for them.]
MR WONG
In today's field we own four horses
and two jockeys.
MRS WONG
We just put our best jockey out to stud
Amy, he's perfect for you!
[The very short jockey strolls up behind Amy.]
JOCKEY
Hey baby, ever do it in a suitcase?
[Cut to: Flushing Downs Stand.]
BENDER
Ooo look! It's the centaur race!
[The bells rings and the centaurs start running around the track,
horsewhipping themselves as they go. Fry crosses his fingers.]
FRY
Come on, come on! Hey Leela, how 'bout
a kiss for good luck? I meant tongue
luck.
[The centaurs cross the finish line.]
[Fry groans.]
FRY
I am so unlucky! I've run over black
cats that were luckier than me.
[Flushing Downs Horse D'Oeuvres Stand.]
MAN
Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse
fries, horse cake and shakes. We got
tongue straight from the horse's mouth.
LEELA
Hmm.
HERMES
It all sounds good.
MAN
All our horses are 100% horse fed for
that double juiced in horse goodness.
LEELA
I'll have a cholesterol free omelette
with horse beaters.
MAN
And you sir, how can I horse you?
HERMES
I'll have a horse coke.
MAN
Horse Pepsi OK?
HERMES
Neigh.
[Flushing Downs Stables. Bender sneaks in disguised as a horse.
He innocently whistles and injects a horse with Comatonin. It
yawns. Bender chuckles. The jockey runs in behind him.]
JOCKEY
Hey what are you doing?
BENDER
This.
[He injects the jockey and he falls over asleep.]
[Flushing Downs Stand. Bender is back with the group. Fry prays.]
FRY
Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually
pray to you, sometimes I doubt you even
exist. But if you're willing to grant
me luck, please, stamp your hoof once.
Come on number six move it! Don't
do that! What are you - Man it's contagious!
[The one horse that started the race gallops over the finish
line.]
[Bender's slip flashes. He has won $2500. He cheers.]
BENDER
That'll teach those other horses to
take drugs!
[Fry tears up his slip.]
FRY
That's it! You can only take my money
for so long before you take it all,
and I say enough. I've got one dollar
left, and this one I'm holding onto!
Oh no you don't! I may not know much
about horses but I know a lot about
doing anything for one dollar! If you
think bad luck can defeat me then you
don't know my name is Philip J -
[He reaches over to the wire with the rake but it electrocutes
him. He pulls the rake away and breathes a sigh of relief. Then
he gets struck by lightning and falls.]
[Cut to: Outside Flushing Downs. Fry has landed upside down in
a dustbin and is smoking from the lightning strike. The Horse
D'Oeuvres man comes outside through a door carrying a bucket
of horse leftovers.]
MAN
That is one unlucky guy!
[He pours the bucket over Fry and leaves.]
[Fade to: (The Past) Basketball Court. 12 year old Fry dribbles
the ball where Yancy can't get to it.]
FRY
Kareem's got the skyhook but Philip
J. Fry's got the spacehook!
[He throws the ball but it bounces off the basket. Yancy chases
after it and dribbles it back to the basket.]
YANCY
Yancy drives, he goes up with his patented
spacehook!
[He throws the ball and it goes through the hoop.]
FRY
Hey. That's my patented spacehook! You
stole it!
YANCY
You're not the president of it!
[He points at the ball and Fry runs to get it. He looks across
at the grass next to him and sees something growing there. A
seven leaf clover. He picks it up.]
FRY
Holy camolie! A seven leaf clover!
YANCY
(shouting) I'm dying of old age!
[Fry tucks the clover into his sweatband and dribbles the ball
back onto the court. He shoots, Yancy jumps to get the ball but
misses and the ball goes through the hoop. Fry cheers.]
FRY
Phil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned!
There'll be no celebration at the Yancy
dome!
YANCY
Lucky.
[Fry takes the clover out from his sweatband and gawps at it.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew
are gathered around the table. Fry is nearly bald from the lightning
strike and Bender whistles while he counts his winnings.]
LEELA
Well someone's in a good mode.
BENDER
Let's just say I lucked out at the track!
Also I rigged one race.
FRY
Pah. I'd have won a lot of money too
if I still had my lucky seven leaf clover.
Plus I'd still have my hair.
[Enter a Hairbot which has replacement hair for the crew growing
on it.]
HAIRBOT
I got your page Mr Fry, your new hair
is ready!
[He takes the hair off his head and puts it on Fry's head. Fry
shuffles it into place.]
AMY
So whatever happened to this seven leaf
clover?
FRY
I hid it in a secret hiding place who's
location I never told anyone. Not even
Scruffy.
[Scruffy leans against the doorframe suspiciously and walks out.]
ZOIDBERG
So the clover is still in the hiding
place maybe?
FRY
Hey yeah! Maybe it is still there! Underground
in the ruins of Old New York. Helping
some ant defeat another ant or helping
some piece of dirt turn it's luck around.
FARNSWORTH
Dirt doesn't need luck.
FRY
I'm going down there to get my clover
back. Now some of the tunnels have metal
bars so I'll need someone who's good
at bending. Leela how 'bout you?
LEELA
Sure I'll do it.
BENDER
Like hell you will. Bending's my middle
name.
FRY
It is?
BENDER
Yep. My full name is Bender Bending
Rodriguez
[Street. In the middle of the road Fry lifts a PJ's manhole cover.]
FRY
Here's the entrance. From this moment
on I declare my bad luck officially
over.
[The ladder gives way beneath him and he plummets into the darkness
then lands in a heap. Bender and Leela peer into the hole.]
BENDER
He was fun.
[Ruins Of Old New York. Fry, Bender and Leela walk down a deserted
ruined street. Leela holds up her wrist thing.]
LEELA
Well if we get bored I've got Tetris
on this thing.
[The crew come to the edge of a cliff top and ahead of them are
lots of ruined buildings.]
FRY
Look, up ahead.
BENDER
Old New York. The city that inspired
a casino in Las Vegas.
[Time Lapse. They continue walking down a street.]
FRY
Wow! We've got Manhattan all to ourselves!
I can finally do all the crazy stuff
I always dreamed of doing! Howard Stern
s overrated! Uh, oops!
BENDER
New York is so burned.
FRY
And remember when Mayor Giuliani cracked
down on jaywalking?
LEELA
No.
FRY
Well Rudy, how'd you like this action?
[He walks across the road and a huge lizard flattens him.]
[Fade to: (The Past) New York Street. A bunch of guys dressed
in late 80s crap stand around. Fry and Yancy are with them.]
GUY #1
As you know the big breakdance is Saturday.
So if we wanna win those Jam Master
J autographed parachute pants our crew
has to pop, lock and bust the freshest.
Noticwably F.A.T., drop us a beat.
Name?
FRY
Cosmic F.
GUY #1
Style?
FRY
Outer space.
GUY #1
Special moves?
FRY
The moonwalk...the robot...the zero
G!
[He steps back and Yancy steps forward.]
GUY #1
Name?
YANCY
Cosmic Y.
GUY #1
Style?
YANCY
Uh, deep space!
FRY
Deep space??
GUY #1
Special moves?
YANCY
The spacewalk...
[He copies Fry's moonwalk.]
FRY
Hey!
YANCY
...The robot...
[He copies Fry's robot.]
FRY
The robot? That's similar to mine!
YANCY
The zero G!
[He copies Fry's zero G.]
FRY
What are you doing? You totally ripped
off my routine.
YANCY
You callin' me a biter?
[Noticeably F.A.T. stops beating and everyone gasps.]
FRY
Why do you always have to steal everything
from me Yancy? Find your own life and
live it.
YANCY
Stop illin'! Word!
FRY
Well I'd like to see you try and steal
this. the septuple head spin.
[Everyone gasps.]
YANCY
He's just scratching. No one's ever
done more than a quadruple.
FRY
Oh yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the
tape.
[And he does. Fry pulls the clover out of his shoe and tucks
it into the sweatband on his head. He does the head spin.]
GUY #1
Crazy sucker!
GUY #2
Phil, you're hot!
NOTICEABLY F.A.T.
That was ice cold bro!
GUY #1
Fry if I ever see you try anything that
crazy again, this crew might just have
some new parachute pants!
[Everyone cheers and Fry gawps at the clover again.]
YANCY
Stop hogging the clover.
[He struggles to get it from Fry. Fry pushes him away and runs
away. Yancy chases him.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Ruins Of Old New York. Fry gets up off
the road and dusts himself off.]
FRY
Alright team, let's go find that clover!
LEELA
Which way to your house? The sign says
we're at 71st street.
[Fry looks at the sign.]
FRY
71st street? Hmm, never heard of it.
Downtown could be in any direction.
BENDER
No sweat, we'll just take a spin on
the B-train!
[Cut to: Ruined Station. Bender attaches himself to the train
tracks and electricity shoots through him and he giggles.]
BENDER
Ooo that feels funny! This is the Brooklyn
bound B-train making local stops at
wherever the hell I feel like. Watch
for the closing doors.
[He makes a bing bong noise and sets off down the track.]
[Newkirk Avenue Station Ruins. Bender stops at the station and
Fry and Leela get off. A hobo is asleep on Bender's back.]
BENDER
Wake up buddy end of the line!
[The hobo mutters and climbs off. Fry looks around.]
FRY
Gosh my old neighbourhood! That's the
bench where I found some shirts! That
fire hydrant! In summer we'd light it
on fire! On that corner, some guy with
a bushy beard handed out a socialist
newsletter!
BENDER
Was it poorly xeroxed?
FRY
You'd better believe it!
LEELA
The old comedians were right, this place
is a lot different from LA!
[A mutant pokes his head up through a sewer grate.]
MUTANT
Pardon me but did I overhear you saying
you used to live here?
FRY
That's right.
MUTANT
Did you know Andy Goldman?
FRY
Yeah, he was my neighbour. Why?
MUTANT
I mutated from him!
FRY
Get out of here! What's Andy up to these
days?
[Andy's head suddenly pokes out from the mutant's chest.]
ANDY
The short answer is I'm teaching.
[The mutant disappears back into the sewer.]
LEELA
He seemed nice.
FRY
Sure when he's sober!
[Outside The Ruins Of The Frys' House.]
FRY
Holy camolies! The house I grew up in!
It's still there!
[The house is a battered ruin.]
BENDER
Man, father time really took a bat to
this place.
[Fade to: (The Past) Outside The Frys' House. It looks exactly
the same. Yancy chases Fry into the house.]
YANCY
That stupid clover is a worthless piece
of garbage! Give it give it give it!
[Cut to: The Frys' Living Room. Mrs Fry is playing miniature
golf.]
FRY
Mom! Help!
[Mrs Fry hits the golf ball and breaks the cup she was aiming
for.]
MRS FRY
Yes!
[Enter Fry and Yancy.]
FRY
Mom, Yancy's trying to steal my clover.
MRS FRY
(uninterested) Yancy, stealing is wrong.
[Yancy starts chasing Fry again.]
YANCY
I'm gonna pile drive you! You're dead
meat!
[Cut to: The Frys' Basement. Mr Fry reassembles a torch.]
MR FRY
What's happenin' up there? Did Kremlin
Joe let fly with the nukes?
FRY
Not yet commander. Yancy's just trying
to steal my stuff as usual.
MR FRY
Well he'd better keep his hands off
these bananas. Gonna need them when
the radiation turns us all into monkeys.
[He lifts a crate of bananas onto the table and climbs the ladder
out of the basement. Fry pulls a sheet off something and takes
his clover out of his pocket.]
FRY
The Ronco Record Vault! Yancy'll never
get his hands on you in here or my money
back. Ah The Breakfast Club soundtrack!
Man I can't wait til I'm old enough
to feel ways about stuff! Stay safe
clover. I may need you again someday.
[He runs up the stairs.]
[Fade to: (The Present) The Ruins Of The Frys' Basement. Enter
Fry, Leela and Bender.]
FRY
This was the storage room. My dad spent
years turning it into a bomb shelter.
LEELA
And yet you guys never had a single
nuclear war.
BENDER
What a waste.
FRY
This is it! My Ronco Record Vault!
I still remember the combination. Three.
It's stuck.
BENDER
The Achilles heel of the Ronco design
is it's structural resonance frequency.
Allow me. There we go!
[Fry pulls out the record.]
FRY
Here it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack.
BENDER
You mean breakfast club sandwich?
FRY
I hid my seven leaf clover in this very
record jacket so my brother Yancy wouldn't
get it. Here goes. It's gone! the
whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy
stole my clover! That thief!
LEELA
How do you know it didn't disintergrate?
FRY
Everything else in here held up OK.
BENDER
Except Sports by Huey Lewis.
[The Ruins Of Prospect Park. Fry, Leela and Bender walk back
up the street without the clover.]
FRY
I don't know why my brother hated me
so much.
LEELA
Aw, brothers always fight. I'm sure
deep down he loved you. He just never
got a chance to say it before you got
frozen.
FRY
You think? 'Cause I always kinda wished
that -
[He gasps. In front of them is a huge statue.]
BENDER
Who is that God-like figure?
FRY
It's my brother Yancy! And there in
his lapel - my seven leaf clover! I
knew he stole it.
LEELA
Hold the phone. If that's Yancy then
why does the inscription read Philip
J. Fry?
FRY
Wait a second! That's my name! Good
Lord. He ditched his goofy name and
stole mine!
BENDER
Apparently this brave adonis, this cadillac
of men, was the first person on Mars.
FRY
First person on Mars?? I should have
been the first person on Mars! He stole
my clover, he stole my name and he stole
my life! And now he broke my hand.
BENDER
His legend lives on.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The statue now stands in the room.]
FARNSWORTH
So you opened the record vault and the
clover was gone?
BENDER
Yep, nothing in there but all the best
music of the 1980's in one amazing collection.
LEELA
Survivor, Pat Benetar, The Scorpions.
The list goes on.
FRY
That clover helped my ratfink brother
steal my dream of going into space.
Now I'll never get there.
LEELA
You went there this morning for doughnuts.
[Hermes reads the statue's inscription.]
HERMES
First person on Mars? Oh so your brother
was that Philip J. Fry!
FRY
I'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name
after I got frozen.
FARNSWORTH
Shut up friends. My internet browser
heard us saying the word "Fry" and it
found a movie about Philip J. Fry for
us. It alwso opened my calendar to
Friday and ordered me some French fries.
[An image of Yancy appears on the screen and changes as the narrator
narrates.]
FRY
That should have been me!
[In the movie Yancy board a small plane.]
[Yancy closes the plane's door and a picture of the clover is
on it.]
FRY
That's my clover! Yancy stole it!
FRY
That's what I'm known for!
MAN [IN MOVIE]
Phil came in right, sturmmed out this
tune yeah. And I said "That's a number
one record!"
[The scene changes to an cemetary orbitting the Earth.]
FRY
So that's where my clover is? Hey, is
that orbitting cemetary near here?
LEELA
It will be in a couple hours.
FRY
Good. Leela, Bender, we're going graverobbing.
BENDER
I'll get my kit.
[Fade to: (The Past) The Frys' Living Room. A woman slips a camoflage
tuxedo onto Yancy.]
YANCY
Thanks for lending me your tux Dad.
It'll be perfect for my wedding.
MR FRY
Yancy, that tux got me through Nam in
style! I just wish your brother were
still around to see this.
MRS FRY
I'll never forget the day Philip disappeared.
Wisconsin won the rose bowl 17-9. Oh
I miss him.
[Mr Fry pats her leg.]
YANCY
Oh that reminds me. I was thinking of
rummaging through Phil's records for
something to play at the wedding.
MRS FRY
Have a look downstairs. Your brother
may be missing but his crap sure isn't.
[The Frys' Basement. Yancy sorts through a box marked Phil's
Stuff. He gets out a Whitefish flag and puts it to one side.
He pulls out a piece of paper with a crude drawing of a rocket
and a figure standing on top of it. The figure is labelled "Phil"
and at the bottom of the paper is "By Philip Fry Aged 20". Yancy
folds it up and puts it in his pocket. He tries Fry's record
vault but it won't open. He gets a pot of Doh-Doh out from the
box, sticks it to the vault, lights it and blows the door open.
He pulls out a random record.]
YANCY
Hmm Breakfast Club, this'll clear out
the room at the end of the reception.
[He flips the record over and the clover falls out of the sleeve.
He picks it up and gasps.]
[Fade to: (The Present) The Planet Express flies up from the
Earth and lands inside Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.]
[Cut to: Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.]
LEELA
They buried your brother in the world
heroes section? I'm impressed.
FRY
I should be the one in that grave!
[The pass two guards who salute. Fry and Leela salute them and
Bender whacks his head with the spade.]
[Time Lapse.]
FRY
Hmm. We lost Bender.
[Bender is digging up a nearby grave.]
BENDER
There. Now no one will be able to say
I don't own John Larroquette's spine!
[Time Lapse. The crew approach Yancy's grave.]
FRY
Aha! My brother's grave!
[The monument on top of the grave is in the shape of a rocket
and Yancy is chiselled onto it. Leela reads the inscription.]
LEELA
(reading) Philip Fry, the original Martian.
FRY
It's all lies every word of it! He wasn't
original, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't
Philip Fry and since when is he a the?
BENDER
You're twice the the he ever was.
FRY
It's clovering time!
[They start to dig. Fry hits the monument with his spade and
knocks some moss off it. He reads the hidden inscription.]
[Fade to: (The Past) Yancy's House. Yancy's wife nurses a baby
while Yancy stands over them.
YANCY'S WIFE
So, had any ideas for names Yancy?
YANCY
Uh, I'm sorta thinking one. Daddy has
a present for you today. Do you know
what it is? It's a lucky clover that
can help you be successful at anything
you do - even breakdancing - and it
once belonged to someone very special.
YANCY'S WIFE
I know what name you wanna give him
Yancy. It's OK.
YANCY
Really? Son, I'm naming you Philip
J. Fry in honour of my little brother,
who I miss every day. I love you Philip,
and I always will.
[He looks across the room. Hanging over the baby's cot is the
picture Fry drew of him on the rocket. Yancy kisses Philip and
he giggles.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.
Fry reads the inscription out loud.]
FRY
(reading) Here lies Philip J. Fry, named
for his uncle, to carry on his spirit.
[Bender forces open the coffin.]
BENDER
Pay dirt! I got the clover! Plus his
wedding ring. Sorry ladies, I'm taken!
Hey Fry you want me to smack the corpse
up a little?
[Fry, tears in his eyes, takes the clover from Bender.]
LEELA
Uh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment
alone.
[She helps him out of the grave.]
BENDER
Alright grab a shovel. I'm only one
skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
[He and Leela walk away. Fry puts the clover back in the grave
and smiles. The episode plays out with Simple Minds' Don't You
(Forget About Me).]
THE END
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