"PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Based On The Novel by James Fenimore
[Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV the heads of George Washington
and Abraham Lincoln sit on podiums in front of a red curtain.]
Four score and 1145 years ago our forefather's
foreheads conceived a new nation.
And this Presidents' Day we honoureth
those values that my body fought and
[Behind the heads the curtain opens and reveals a car showroom.
The salesman, a robot called Malfunctioning Eddie, points to
Values like this brand new Plymouth
V'Ger! Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie
and I'm malfunctioning so badly I'm
practically giving these cars away!
Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents
promised if I got all B's they'd buy
me a bar. And I got all C's!
Mind if I tag along? I gotta bring my
ass in for servicing. The recall notice
says it could burst into flames in a
No wonder you've been staying at the
back of conga lines lately.
I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.
[She taps his ass with a rolled-up newspaper and it bursts into
flames. Amy, Fry and Leela recoil in horror.]
[Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. A man with an accent introduces
himself to Amy.]
Hello, I am Victor and I know many things
about the art of unloading fine cars
on beautiful women.
[He kisses her hand.]
Uh-huh. Now tell us she's witty and
Ah-ah-ah! A gentleman always sells a
lady a car first. This is the Beta
Romeo. Yes, the Beta Romeo. Note the
cross-your-heart seat belt which protects,
lifts and separates.
[At the coffee machine Fry pours himself a cup. A salesman puts
his hand on his shoulder.]
Spotted her the minute you walked in,
didn't you, sir? She's a real beauty.
Yup, she's beautiful coffee alright.
No, the Ford Thundercougarfalconbird!
Nothing makes you feel more like a
man than a Thundercougarfalconbird.
So how much were you thinking of spending
on this Thundercougarfalconbird?
Sorry, I'm not here to buy.
I understand and it's wonderful you
don't care whether anyone questions
your sexual orientation.
I care! I care plenty! I just don't
know how to make them stop!
One word: Thundercougarfalconbird!
[Amy and Victor are now sat in the Beta Romeo.]
The luxurious seats are stuffed with
eagle down and the dashboard inlaid
with the beaks of a thousand eagles.
Also, there are some eagles under the
That's an awful lot of eagle.
Yes, and yet--
It is just, the luxury edition has so
much more eagle. It saddens me to think
of you missing out.
Oh, don't be sad. My parents are paying
and they're incredibly rich.
[Victor raises his right eyebrow and pushes it down again with
[Service Department. Bender is lying down on a raised platform
and a mechanic drills into his back, causing him pain. The mechanic
lowers him to the ground and he gets up.]
I installed shock-absorbing bumpers
to reduce the risk of catastrophic butt
[Bender turns around and gasps at what he sees grafted to his
You, sir, have defaced a national treasure!
I demand you restore my buttocks to
their former glory.
[He gets back onto the platform.]
Alright. But sooner or later that ass
is gonna blow. And when it does, I just
pray you're not moonin' someone you
[Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. Amy and Leela look under the
bonnet of the Beta Romeo's.]
Smeesh, Leela! This car has everything
a beautiful woman like me needs. Victor
(to himself) No dog food for Victor
[Leela closes the bonnet.]
OK, the sticker says 55,000 but we'll
only go as high as say--
[Amy puts her hand in the air.]
Oh, I will have to ask my manager.
[He walks into Malfunctioning Eddie's office.]
Amy, you don't go up from the sticker
I thought it was an auction.
[Through the office window, we see Victor say something to Eddie.
Eddie smiles and they both dance. Victor comes back out again.]
He is not too happy.
I'm sorry. 80,000?
[Eddie's head explodes.]
[New New York City Street. Amy and the others drive back to the
Planet Express building. Outside, she prepares to park the car.]
Uh-oh. I'm terrible at parallel parking.
[The car moves into a space sideways then shunts two cars in
front and behind it.]
[Planet Express Corridor. Fry and Leela walk past Hermes' office.]
(from inside) And now you're asking
for a day off? Get out of my and my
sight! You're bogarting my patience.
[The door opens and Hermes walks out.]
Hermes. Who were you yelling at?
Myself. I asked myself a Valentine's
Day off. But I was in no mood for any
of my shenanigans.
Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap!
I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
Well since neither of us has a date,
why don't we...
You just assume I can't get a Valentine's
Shall we say 8 o'clock?
Hey, I'm taking my new car out for a
spin to Mercury. Anybody wanna come?
Yeah, OK. What's the weather like?
The usual: Boiling lead, oceans of lava.
So, what? Shorts?
[Amy's Car. They drive across the Mercurial surface listening
Boy, this A.C. is incredible! I'd better
turn on the heater too. (shouting)
Boy, this heater is incredible! I'd
better turn up the A.C. some more.
(shouting) Hey, how about some icy margaritas?
(shouting) Yeah! We're slowing down!
(shouting) Don't worry. I'll hit the
[She presses a button and the car accelerates.]
(shouting) Who wants pop-tarts? Uh-oh!
It's OK, I have an emergency phone.
[She picks up a make-up case and applies blusher to her cheeks.]
What are you doing?
Spluh! It's a video-phone. Lucky I'm
a member of the Astro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian
Auto Association. Hello? Septuple-A?
[The sun beats down on the planet. Beads of sweat pour down Fry's
face. He leans back over the seat and pulls the hood over the
[Amy finishes her call and sighs.]
It'll be a couple hours. Oh, I'm gonna
get sweat on my sweat-suit.
[She pulls the zip on her top down.]
Hey, tell me something: You've got all
this money, how come you always dress
like you're doing your laundry?
I guess 'cause my parents keep telling
me to be more ladylike. As though!
I've been there. My folks were always
on me to groom myself and wear underpants.
What am I, the Pope?
Yeah, and if you were the Pope they'd
be all, "Straighten your Pope hat,"
and, "Put on your good vestments".
You know, Fry, its nice to find someone
I can talk to about stuff, and junk.
Yeah, it's like we feel the same way
about junk and stuff, or, whatever.
[He smiles. She smiles back.]
[Mercury Surface. Later, the sun is setting and the AAAAAAA recovery
truck arrives. A man gets out and sees the car hood is steamed
up. He laughs, rubs off the condensation and peers inside. Amy
and Fry hold a set of cards. The man sighs with disappointment.]
[Cut to: Amy's Car. The recovery truck tows it.]
So while they're towin' us, you wanna
[They kiss and disappear below the seats. The man laughs again.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning the crew are
gathered around the table while Hermes presents an important
chart to them.]
Which concludes the summary of the movie
I saw last night. Now, any old business?
Any new business? Anyone spend the
Oh, my God!
We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one
thing led to another.
And it led there again when we got home.
[He and Amy chuckle.]
Congratulations, Fry, you snagged the
perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's
probably got other characteristics.
Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg
here is desperately poor and miserably
For your information, it's because he's
Well I think Amy and Fry go together
like a lime and coconut.
Do I hear wedding bells?
Really? Oh, dear.
[He pats the side of his head. Zoidberg sighs.]
You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything
to end my miserable loneliness. If only
I weren't so desperately poor.
Wait. You mean people will pay good
money for romance? Hmm. I think I have
a scheme so deviously clever that I--
[Courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel.]
$500 and time served.
Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay
[He struts out. His two Hookerbots follow him.]
Bender, honey, we love you!
Shut up, baby, I know it!
[Planet Express Corridor. Bender hammers a sign on a door that
has "Bender's Computing Dating Service. Discreet And Discrete"
written on it.]
Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping
but you rarely have to use the phrase
"upside your head".
Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone
come to you for romantic help?
Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg files his claws
while Hermes knocks on the supply room door.]
(shouting) Fry! Amy! Put your pants
back on; I need a stapler.
[He struggles to open the locked door. Zoidberg blocks his way.]
Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating
dance the male will become enraged and
maul us with his fearsome gonad.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Supply Room.]
(whispering) It's working, they think
we're making out. Wait, why aren't
we making out?
[They kiss and drop to the floor.]
[Planet Express Corridor. Outside the lounge, Larry, Lou and
the saleswoman from Alien Overlord & Taylor queue to use Bender's
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender has set up his dating
service at the table and is about to interview a client.]
Uh, Smith! Zapp Smith. Uh, Brannigan.
Just check off the things you're looking
for in a love partner.
[He hands Zapp a sheet of paper.]
Let's see ... Oh, yes! Yes, definitely.
Oh, I'd like some of that. Mmm, I'll
just have everything on the menu.
[He punches out the rest of the holes and hands it back to Bender.]
Now to run it through our high speed
romance-a-logical data-fier. Say hello
to Miss Right!
[He rubs the paper against his chest.]
[Planet Express: Supply Room. Amy and Fry finish making out.
Wow! We're great kissers!
Yeah! Hey, later, you wanna drive out
to Europa? We could have a picnic and
spit watermelon seeds at Jupiter.
Hey, yeah! I used to spit at stuff back
in the 20th century. Ah, it's cool how
we sort of think exactly alike, and
Yeah. Y'know, Fry, I really like hanging
out with you.
[Fry is shocked.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela welds a section of the ships cargo
lift while Fry paces backwards and forwards.]
Everything was going great. Then all
of a sudden, she's talking about hanging
out. Hangin out? She's getting way too
serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.
You'll be back to zero soon enough.
Don't you get it? She's smothering me.
[Amy walks past.]
You see? You see? Now she's bothering
me when I'm at work.
I'm doing my job -- there's Amy. I spend
a few hours selecting a candy from the
machine -- there's Amy. I wake up the
morning after sleeping with Amy -- there's
I think you're over reacting.
Am I? (shouting) Am I? (talking) Face
it, I'm a prize catch. I mean, I'm
pulling down delivery boy money.
Fry, she's pulling down billionaire
Then she wants me as a trophy husband.
Leela, you gotta come to Europa with
us, I can't be alone with her.
[Amy arrives with a picnic basket.]
So, ready for a secluded picnic with
just you and me?
Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics
with just you and me? Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg, scavenging through a dustbin, looks up.]
Did someone say something about a free
[Amy's Car. The car flies past the Monolith from 2001: A Space
Odyssey and drives across the icy surface of Jupiter's moon while
Zoidberg eats the contents of the picnic basket.]
Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday!
Bird eggs, animal slices ... ... dry
woven reeds! All gone! Can I drive?
No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got
two tickets to the big ape fight.
Jeez, we're already planning to spend
Valentine's Day together. Isn't that
OK, sure. What do you wanna do for Valentine's
Oh, so all of a sudden we're spending
Valentine's Day together?
But you just said--
That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg,
[Cut to: Outside Amy's Car. The car tips as they change places.]
(from inside) Pardon me, excuse me.
[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg is at the wheel while Fry and Amy
are in the back.]
Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum
[He turns it. Amy screams.]
Amy, you know how at first you like
chocolate but then you start to get
tired of it because it always wants
to hang out with you?
Huh? You don't like chocolate?
Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
Vroom vroom! And the winner of the big
car race is: Hot Rod Zoidberg!
[He mimes a crowd cheering.]
Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think
maybe you and I should stop--
[Something in the front snaps. Zoidberg has pulled the wheel
Uh-oh. Here, you drive!
[He offers the wheel to Fry. The car spins out of control, hitting
chunks of ice. It heads straight for a huge mountain of ice.
Fry screams and the car crashes.]
[Europa Surface. Fry was out cold but comes to. Zoidberg looks
Fry? Are you alright?
Ow! My head is killing me. What happened?
Was anybody hurt?
No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody
but you. I'm afraid your body was badly
damaged in the crash.
That's it over there. Don't worry,
I managed to keep your head alive with
some quick surgery.
[Fry moves his eyes up and down.]
Where is it?
[Fry turns to his right and sees Amy's head. Zoidberg has grafted
his head onto her left shoulder.]
Looks like we'll be spending a lot more
time together, Fry!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Zoidberg inspect
Fry's body. Leela tuts.]
This sort of thing always happens with
Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body
all fixed up in a few days. Upsy daisy!
[He walks out of the room, hitting the body on the walls on the
way out. Fry whimpers.]
Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere
with your life too much.
[Amy seems to pick her nose.]
Ooh, sorry. I guess I control that arm.
[He waves the arm around and hoots.]
So, what was it you wanted to talk about
before we crashed anyway?
Oh, that. Maybe we'd better talk in
private. (whispering) I'll meet you
in the closet.
[Planet Express: Supply Room.]
Amy, I really like you, as a friend.
But I think we're spending too much
You're breaking up with me?
I just think we should start seeing
But, I was really having fun. If that's
how you feel.
I'm sorry, but it is.
Well, whatever. Hey, listen, as long
as we're not seeing each other, you
mind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's
I mean, unless it would make you feel
bad, being a third wheel.
Hey, I can get a date too. Now that
I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of
With my body I think you might only
attract one sort of woman.
(happy) Oh! (disappointed) Oh!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender drinks from a bottle. Leela sits
down and plays with his "Dating Consultant" nameplate nonchalantly.]
So, how's business?
[Bender opens his chest cabinet, revealing a huge pile of money.
He pulls out a $500 note.]
Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore?
I'm tellin' ya, losers get really desperate
around Valentine's Day.
Yeah, it's pathetic alright! How much?
Zapp Brannigan OK?
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Enter Leela who sees Fry and
Amy playing table tennis. Fry sees Leela.]
Oh, hey, Leela, uh, can I talk to you
for a minute? In private?
Oh, no problem.
[She puts her fingers in her ears and sings to herself in Chinese.]
This is an emergency. Amy made Valentine's
plans with some goon and I'm gonna be
stuck there, lonely and miserable. Will
you be my date, please?
You're too late, Fry. I'm sharing Valentine's
Day with a very special man. He's not
Zapp Brannigan or anything!
Then I have no choice but to do something
so pitiful and embarrassing that I'm
ashamed to tell you about it.
Bender's in his office.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is still singing while Fry does
business with Bender.]
I got your hook-up, Fry. Now my usual
fee's 500 bucks, but seeing as how it's
you, I'll need it in advance.
[Amy's Apartment. Amy dresses herself while Fry "helps".]
OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
Why exactly did you shave your legs
anyway? Are you expecting something
to happen with your Valentine's date?
What business is it of yours?
And another thing: You're using an awful
lot of make-up there.
This is deodorant.
What does it do?
[The doorbell rings. Amy reaches for her dress.]
(shouting) C'mon in, Gary! I'll just
be another 20 minutes.
(from outside) I'll be waiting.
20 minutes? You're practically ready
Yeah, but it's good to make them wait
Oh, God, it's true!
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Amy, Gary and Fry sit at a table. Fry
eats a hamburger.]
That dress looks great on you.
(simultaneously) Thanks. Where is she?
I must say, Amy, you're all made up,
just like Fry's date. Get it?
[Amy shakes her head.]
I've got a date. She'll be along any
[Enter Bender with a old woman.]
Fry, look who I found! It's Petunia,
your dream girl!
How's them eats?
Don't mind if I do. Kids'll be hungry.
(whispering) She seems a little old
She is well-travelled. And I don't mean
she travels a lot!
Wheels fell off my house.
Now how about a rose for the lady? Five
bucks a pop!
I'll take one.
Oh, yeah? Well I want one too.
But you just said--
Demand suddenly skyrocketed, you all
[On another table, Leela sits alone. She sighs. Bender arrives.]
Leela, meets your future husband Sal.
[Sal is wearing blue overalls and has a cigarette in his mouth.
Nice eyeball, eyeball.
Nice ass, ass.
Ooh, sparks! (whispering) Buy her a
rose, I guarantee she'll put out!
[Sal considers then sits down.]
Eh, I'll take my chances.
[Time Lapse. Bender's other clients are also there. Larry eats
from Hattie's fork and Zapp makes a toast with his woman who
has a five-o'clock shadow.]
[Fry and Petunia don't seem to be gelling.]
So tell me about your prospects. You
a good gambler?
Well, ma'am I--
What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait
a minute! You don't have your own body.
No, but I control this arm.
Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think
I can do better.
[She gets up from the table.]
Wait, come back, uh, darling.
Can't, hon. I gotta catch my bus back
to Nutley. I'd kiss you goodnight but
I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.
[She walks towards the exit.]
So anyways, Leela, I'd love to take
a whack at ya but that 10:15 to Nutley
ain't goin' nowheres without yours truly
behinds the wheel.
Excuse me, did you say "10:15 to Nutley"?
Why, yes I dids.
[They stare into each others eyes and passionately kiss. Leela
turns to Bender.]
(whispering) Bender! Did you just round
up our dates at the bus station?
Of course not.
Anybodys else for Nutley?
[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date
Baby, wait! You didn't show me your
[Gary has his arm around Amy.]
(whispering) You know what I'd like
Oh, jeez, get a room!
[Fry is shocked.]
Hey, I have an idea: Let's all go out
for ice cream.
Actually, I thought Amy might like to
come back to my place for coffee.
I don't really like coffee.
Neither do I.
[Fry is shocked again.]
Ooh, I feel a little tipsy!
[Fry is shocked again.]
Let me pick up the check.
Nooo! That's it I'm gettin' the hell
outta here. Ooh! Ow!
[Leela hears Fry and walks to their table just as Amy and Gary
are about to leave.]
Why, if it isn't my favourite head on
Amy's body: Fry.
We were just on our way out.
Nonsense, the evening's young. So, Gary,
what do you do for a living?
I'm a banking industry regulator.
Really? Y'know I heard that banking
industry regulations are really very
Oh, no, that's not true. You see, modern
banking regulations are a product of
five different regulatory traditions.
Six if you wanna get technical.
Oh, I do.
It all began in 1410 when a number of
[Fry and Leela look at each other.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg finishes stitching
Fry's head to his neck.]
There you are, good as new. Except for
your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't
find it after the crash.
Can I live without it?
If you call that living.
I still don't understand why you wouldn't
let me graft a laser cannon onto your
chest. To crush those who disobey you.
But I guess we're just two different
[He and Zoidberg leave.]
So, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy. And
I hope there are no hard feelings about
your date, or stuff.
It's OK, I had fun. And if I ever feel
lonely I can just look over at this
disfiguring scar and think of you.
[They smile. Amy leaves. Fry sighs.]
Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own
[He yawns, stretches and pats his chest. He looks down and sighs.
Enter Leela and Bender.]
So how's the old corpse? Everything
hooked up OK?
[Fry stands up.]
Seems to be. My neck's just a little
tender. Ow! Cool! Ow! Listen, Leela.
Thanks for rescuing me last night.
Anytime. I actually enjoyed hanging
out with you.
[Enter Bender, counting his profits.]
Yep, everything worked out great thanks
to good old Bender.
Come on! It's not like you intentionally
set us up with bad dates so we'd spend
Valentine's Day together.
Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?
[He winks and a heart wipe closes the scene but opens up again.]
No! You didn't! You just corralled a
bunch of stiffs at the bus station and
pocketed our money!
True. But in the end, isn't that what
Valentine's Day is really all about?
I guess so. Watch the neck! Watch the
[He kicks Bender's ass and sparks start coming out of it.]
My ass! My beautiful ass!