FUTURAMA
Episode 512
"SPANISH FRY"
By
Ron Weiner
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. A remixed version of theme tune is performed.
Caption: Thanks For Watching, Futurama Slave Army (in AL1).]
[The Planet Express ship flies over Duraflame National Forest
and lands at a camping site.]
[Forest. The entire Planet Express staff are on a company outing
and are hiking through the woods.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh Lord. Hiking is always such a strain
on the buttocks.
[He isn't actually walking, he is sat on a giant pair of legs
about 5ft high. A noise noises.]
FRY
Shh! What was that sound?
BENDER
It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That
sounds like this. Aww, they're so cute
when they're scared!
FRY
I meant the sound Bigfoot just made.
He's been sighted a lot in this area
recently. Just last week a blind hiker
felt him!
FARNSWORTH
Don't tell me you actually believe in
Bigfoot you blathering ninny-hammer!
FRY
Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing
up, he was the celebrity I most identified
with.
ZOIDBERG
Why?
FRY
'Cause he was a loner who hated the
popular monsters yet longed to be one.
ZOIDBERG
(sadly) I can so relate to that.
[He cries and hugs Leela. She isn't impressed.]
LEELA
Ugh, enough emotions! This isn't a fat
camp for God sake. (quietly) Though
you wouldn't know it from looking.
[Campsite. The crew set up camp. Zoidberg eats something, Leela
and Amy set up their pop-up tent, Fry hammers his tent pegs into
the ground with a frying pan and Bender lazes around with his
arms and legs tied round a tree so it looks like he is lying
in a hammock.]
BENDER
Ahh!
ZOIDBERG
Bender, if you want to sleep in the
tent tonight, you're welcome to join
me and Hermes for a little "just friends"
spooning.
BENDER
Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars.
Real comfy!
[Ranger Station. The Planet Express employees and other campers
are gathered in the log building. The ranger has set up a projection
screen at the front of the room and they all sit on rowed benches.]
RANGER PARK
Hey I'm Ranger Park the park ranger.
FRY
I get it!
RANGER PARK
Now since this area's a National Bigfoot
Reserve we'll start with a short film
about Bigfoot while I make a few phonecalls.
[He dims the lights and turns on the projector. "Bigfoot" appears
on the screen.]
FRY
That proves it!
[In the movie the Clearcutter cuts down some trees.]
[Park talks on the phone at the back of the room.]
RANGER PARK
It should say "Top Quality Exercycle
For Sale" and could you put "Top Quality"
in bold...? You can't? OK whatever.
[In the movie someone photographs the woods.]
[The movie ends with "The End" and "MMCMLXII - Most Rights Reserved."
Park hangs up.]
RANGER PARK
I-I gotta call you back. Alright, questions?
SAL
Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
RANGER PARK
Technically no. But I do see him each
night in my dreams and each day in the
silent faces of hairy children.
[Farnsworth stands up and shakes his fist.]
FARNSWORTH
(shouting) Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me
a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or
shut up!
FARNSWORTH
Shut up!
[Bender stands up and points out the window.]
BENDER
Oh my God its Bigfoot!
[Park holds up a camera and autograph book and runs to the window.]
RANGER PARK
Where?
BENDER
Eh he's gone. He says you should keep
wasting your life though.
PETUNIA
Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the
county fair!
RANGER PARK
What you saw was Bigfoot the monster
truck. But thanks for a great question.
PETUNIA
Ohh...
[She walks out muttering. Fry puts his hand up.]
FRY
Sir, if I may, why don't you set up
like a billion video cameras in the
woods and see if he walks by one.
RANGER PARK
Ah, that would be very expensive. And
most people who believe in Bigfoot are
broke.
BENDER
Hey look! Bigfoot! He's back!
[Park falls for it again.]
RANGER PARK
Where?
BENDER
Up your face! Everybody do the Bender!
[And he does.]
[Campsite. Night has fallen. Leela and Amy lie on a blanket while
the others sit around the fire.]
AMY
The sky out here is amazing. Look at
all those satellites.
[The satellites fly around the sky like shooting stars. A Bachelor
Chow ad flies by along with a Drink Shiz! ad and one that reads
Top Quality Exercycle For Sale.]
[Time Lapse. Everyone has turned in for the night.]
FARNSWORTH
Goodnight employess.
[He disappears into his tent.]
HERMES
Goodnight.
ZOIDBERG
Goodnight Hubert.
[He and Hermes' silhouettes lie down. Amy's nude silhouette zips
closed her and Leela's tent. Leela's silhouette sprays her boots
with something. Fry pokes his head of his tent.]
FRY
You doin' alright out there buddy?
[Bender's head lights up like an insectocutor.]
BENDER
Better than these gnats! That guy won't
be goin' home to his kids!
[Time Lapse. Everyone is sound asleep. Bender shivers and rotates
his head around him like an owl. Something coos.]
BENDER
Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of
boogen? Oh God I wish I was safe inside
a tent. (deep voice) Fry, Fry wake
up! It's me! Bigface!
[Cut to: Fry's Tent. Fry wakes up.]
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry emerges from his tent brushing his teeth.]
FRY
Bigfoot? Bigfoot?
[He runs off into the woods. Bender emerges from the rock, chuckling.
He crawls into Fry's tent, crawls around panting like a dog and
finally lies down and turns out the light.]
[Cut to: Forest.]
FRY
Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the
others Bigfoot. I see through your monster
coatings to the gentle loner inside.
I bet you have a wounded racoon friend
that you tenderly nurse back to health
and go......and in the end they shoot
you. But you teach us about things.
Oh, it's a flying saucer. (shouting)
Excuse me? You can't park here. The
parking area's over there. Wow nice
tube! Hey. Hey what's the big idea?
Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity
plate say "Probe 1"?
[He screams as he disappears inside the ship. The pipe retracts
back into the ship and it heads skyward.]
[Campsite. Morning has broken. Everyone crawls out of their tents
and yawn and stretch. Leela walks down the river and dunks her
hands in.]
LEELA
There's nothing so refreshing as the
clean, crisp taste of old Canadian beer!
[She pulls a bottle out of the river and downs it. Hermes juggles
a toilet roll in his hands.]
HERMES
Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go
do some business behind that tree.
[Behind the tree Hermes attaches the toilet roll to a calculator
and does some business - calculations. Bender struggles inside
Fry's tent and finally rips it apart and stands up.]
AMY
Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
[Bender makes mocking noises.]
LEELA
Bender raises a good point, where is
Fry?
[Cut to: Forest. Fry stumbles through the thicket with his back
turned à la The Blair Witch Project. A rat pokes its head out
of a packet of Cheez Nubs and screams.]
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry reaches the edge of the woods and walks
into the campsite, still with his back turned. He sounds like
his nose is blocked.]
FRY
Amy, you won't believe what happened......it
was so scary that you wouldn't - I
know but listen it gets even scarier.
FARNSWORTH
Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to
you?
FRY
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
See - Why are you all staring at me
like that? Is there something on my
face?
HERMES
Uh...no.
[Fry has no nose.]
LEELA
Someone should tell him.
FRY
Tell me what?
LEELA
Nothing.
ZOIDBERG
Well I have a lot of experience telling
patients bad news so, let me break it
to him gently. (shouting) Fry you have
no nose! Your nose is gone! You have
no nose on your face! Where it is I
can't say but on your face it's not!
FRY
What?
[He pokes his face and looks at his refelction in Bender's door.
He screams.]
BENDER
Aww, I think it's sweet! You chopped
off your nose so you could look more
like your hero. Me, Bender!
FARNSWORTH
Which last night?
FRY
In the woods, I was walking. For Bigfoot,
looking and then aliens beamed me up.
AMY
Were they little grey dudes with big
oval heads? I don't get that gesture.
Am I wrong?
ZOIDBERG
Cheer up friend. When we get home a
high quality prosthesis will have you
looking good as new.
[Fry smiles.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is sat at the table wearing
joke glasses, nose and moustache.]
FRY
I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
[Hermes laughs.]
HERMES
Man, you are such a jokester!
FRY
I'll never have another moment of happiness.
[Everyone else falls about laughing.]
LEELA
I know you're trying to mask your pain
with humour but don't worry. I'm sure
the Professor can clone you a new nose.
FARNSWORTH
Well there's no sense fretting. Good
Lord you're ugly! The fact is your nose
is gone and we'll never find out who
did it or why.
[Enter Bender panting and gasping.]
BENDER
(gasping) Guys, guys! There's something
on television.
[Spin to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew sit and stand, watching
a news report.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Alien abductions: Until now, a harmless
nuisance. But recently they've taken
on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting
victims are returned...without noses!
[Behind her a picture of a normal man changes to a picture of
a man with no nose.]
FRY
Like me!
MORBO [ON TV]
The culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting
humans without a permit.
[The scene on TV changes to a picture of a grey alien with a
gun over his shoulder. He holds a nose. Back to the studio.]
LINDA [ON TV]
The valuable nose or "human horn" fetches
a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
FRY
My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna
drop a barf!
MORBO [ON TV]
Demand for human horn is great. Due
in part to titilating scenes from depraved
alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth
broadcast. Let's watch.
[The scene changes to two Neptunian lovers on a bed together.
The man holds up a cushion with two human horns on it. The woman
gasps.]
[He grates a horn onto her shoulder and licks it off. They make
out. Fry turns the TV off.]
FRY
Blech! We have to track down my nose
before some alien snarfs it and does
the worm. Who's in?
[Leela stand up.]
LEELA
Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if
he feels like it.
ZOIDBERG
No I'm good.
[The ship flies towards the huge Galalctic Bazaar: Offering Legal
Items etc. It is a run down space station with things sticking
out of it.]
[Cut to: Galactic Bazaar. The place is filled with aliens. The
trio walk past Joe Camel who tries on some shades. Fry is wearing
a strap on red nose. They walk past a stall where an alien buys
something.]
ALIEN
Lets see, I'll have a pancreas, two
sphincters and a large colon.
FRY
It's no use. We've been to ever scuzzy
bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery
Barn.
LEELA
Wait, what's that?
[She points at The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe.]
[Cut to: Sex Shoppe. Enter Fry, Bender and Leela. The salesman
has a chameleon-like head.]
SALESMAN
Welcome friends. How may I pervert you?
FRY
Uh, I'm looking for human horn.
SALESMAN
(whispering) Shh! You're not cops right?
LEELA
Of course not. In fact he's a crook.
[She points at Bender.]
BENDER
Yep. Stolen Pez anyone?
[He holds up a Calculon-head Pez thing and hands them around.
The salesman eats it and pulls back a curtain.]
SALESMAN
Right this way.
[Back Room. The salesman gets something from off a high shelf
and unwraps it. Inside is lots of human noses.]
SALESMAN
Human horn. So fresh you can still see
the eyeglass marks.
[Fry looks at the noses.]
FRY
Nope, uh-uh, eww! Now look, this is
the nose we want. Did you sell it to
somebody?
SALESMAN
I'm sorry sir but due to the perverted
nature of our business, customer records
are strictly confidential. Right this
way.
[Cut to: Back Back Room. The salesman pulls another curtain across.
In the room is a TV and a wall lined with video tapes.]
SALESMAN
I video tape everyone who comes in here
so I can blackmail them later. Hey,
I'm a porno dealing monster, what do
I care what you think? Here's the weirdo
who bought your horn.
[He puts the tape in the machine. On the screen a familiar alien
walks into the Sex Shoppe badly disguised. Leela gasps.]
LEELA
That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron
Persei 8!
LRRR [ON TV]
You got any uh, you know...
SALESMAN [ON TV]
Speak up! You're muttering!
LRRR [ON TV]
I said uh... (whispering) human horn?
LRRR [ON TV]
Oh no no, I'm just some guy. Ruler of
the planet Omicron Persei 8!
[The dealer hands him a horn over the counter. Fry and Leela
nod to each other.]
[The ship flies toward Omicron Persei 8 and lands outside the
castle.]
[Omicroninan Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on thrones. Guards stand
either side of the trio who stand before Lrrr and Nd-Nd.]
LRRR
So let me get this straight: If I buy
eight caramello bars, you all get to
go to some camp.
BENDER
Yep. That's exactly the lie we used
to get past your guards.
[Fry steps forward and bows.]
FRY
Oh great space king. I humbly beg you
to return my human horn.
[Lrrr acts like he doesn't know what Fry is talking about.]
LRRR
Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why
would virile male like Lrrr need human
horn? I don't even know what it's for.
What is it, something you-you put in
salad dressing?
ND-ND
Like you've ever seen a salad.
LRRR
My weight is appropriate and attractive!
LEELA
Whoa, you guys have issues!
LRRR
She has issues! I'm fine! But there's
no human horn around here so, make friends
with the door.
FRY
(sadly) Alright. I give up. I guess
I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
[He cries.]
ND-ND
Oh let's just give it to him. Here.
FRY
My nose! Light of my face!
LRRR
Uh, what is that? How do you have that
Nd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My
friend left it here.
[Fry takes his nose out of the box and puts it on his face.]
LEELA
Hold still Fry. I can reattach it with
my emergency face laser.
[She presses a button on her wristamajig and a beam seams the
nose to Fry's face. It also burns his cheek a little.]
FRY
Hey! You burned my cheek!
LEELA
Yeah sorry I wasn't really concentrating.
FRY
No I mean the singed flesh, I can smell
it! Those lilacs on the table.
LRRR
At least someone noticed.
ND-ND
For the last time I don't like lilacs!
Your first wife was the one who liked
lilacs.
LRRR
She also liked to shut up!
FRY
Well, great seeing you, I guess we'll
be on our -
BENDER
Yo, highness! Uh, just out of robo-curiosity,
why would you use a guy's nose for an
aphrodisiac instead of his...you know...wing
dang doodle?
LRRR
But I thought the horn was the human
wing dang doodle?
BENDER
No sir-chee! The main event, so to speak,
is downstairs near the wallet. Ever
seen soccer players line up to block
a free kick? They ain't covering their
noses I'll say that much! Well, seeya!
[He starts to leave.]
LRRR
Interesting. The trousers conceal a
tiny secondary horn.
FRY
Hey, what've you heard?
LRRR
(shouting) Guards! Seize him! Prepare
to harvest the lower horn!
[Fry looks around scared.]
FRY
OK, you can have my nose.
[He pulls it off.]
LRRR
Guards!
GUARD #1
Yeah?
LRRR
Remove the human's lower horn and prepare
it to be eaten by me.
ND-ND
In other words slop a lot of ketchup
and salt on it!
LRRR
Then bring it to our royal bedchamber
and put it in the sock drawer with all
the other things that have failed to
arouse my passion for this woman.
[The second guard takes out a whizzy buzzy cutting thing. Fry
squeals.]
GUARD #2
Remove pants!
FRY
Wait! I'm usually the first guy to toot
my own lower horn -
BENDER
(shouting) I'll say!
[He hoots.]
FRY
But in this case I just don't think
it'll do any good.
BENDER
(shouting) That's what she said!
[He hoots again.]
LEELA
Let's face it. You two have deep relationship
problems that can't be solved by an
aphrodisiac.
FRY
However huge it might be.
ND-ND
So what do you suggest, painfully single
human?
LEELA
Well, why don't you think back to what
brought you together in the first place?
ND-ND
Ohh I don't know. Lrrr used to be so
tender.
[Lrrr groans.]
LRRR
I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
ND-ND
We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr
would find injured little tinkle-bunnies
and nurse them back to health.
LRRR
Yes but I'm the one who injured them!
ND-ND
Oh shush. You stepped on them by accident
and then you cried all night. That's
the kind of sensitive man you used to
be.
LRRR
And you used to wear a size-3 cape.
(shouting) But not anymore! Now bring
me that lower horn while I'm still in
the mood.
[The guard starts the whizzy thing again.]
FRY
Wh-What if we helped you get your passion
back without the hassle of mutilating
me?
LEELA
Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains.
We could take you there for a romantic
dinner under the stars.
ND-ND
Hmm, sounds interesting. But he would
never do it.
LRRR
Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna
be blamed for not going!
FRY
Then it's a deal. We get one night.
I keep my horn as long as you two end
up doing the horizontal monster mash.
[Bender hoots, laughs insanely and chuckles.]
BENDER
I don't get it!
[Forest. Back at Duraflame Lrrr and Nd-Nd are seated at a table
at night. The trees around them have lights strung around them.
Enter Bender carrying a box of Monsieur Carton.]
BENDER
Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine
for the edge of the table?
LRRR
No thanks. Just water please. Tap water!
ND-ND
(sarcastic) Oh big spender!
LRRR
(shouting) That's it, this date is over!
Waiter!
[The guards wheel Fry up to the table in a cage. He is dressed
in a snappy suit.]
FRY
So, what can I get you this evening?
LRRR
Your lower horn!
[Fry squeals.]
FRY
I'll just start you off with some bread.
Some sexy, arousing bread!
LRRR
Fine but none of that whole-grain goat
food! And bring plenty of melted butter.
[Nd-Nd groans.]
ND-ND
Why don't you just inject some fat straight
into your ass and cut out the middle
man!
LRRR
One of these days Nd-Nd, bang, zoom,
straight to the third moon of Omicron
Persei 8!
[Time Lapse. Lrrr and Nd-Nd are still eating and Fry is still
in his cage. A guard is sat by a tree.]
LRRR [EATING]
Mmm, this jerked chicken is good! I
think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
BENDER
(shouting) It's used to it!
[He hoots. Fry is wheeled to the table.]
FRY
So uh, how are you two sneaky poopums
doing?
ND-ND
Poorly.
LRRR
My wife is right for once. There is
very little magic in the air. Ready
the lower horn transport vessel.
[A guard pours some ice into a cooler. Fry squeals.]
BENDER
Boy, who knew a cooler could also make
a handy wang coffin? Hey, uh mind if
I stick these in here?
GUARD #1
Go for it.
LEELA
Don't worry Fry. Things look bad but
I still have a trump card. The most
beautiful love song ever written. (singing
badly) And I will always love you......will
always love you...
ND-ND
The humans are attacking.
LRRR
Pluck the lower horn and let's get out
of here!
[The guard starts the cutter.]
BENDER
Quick Fry, run for it!
[He pushes Fry's cage and it rolls away, bouncing down hills
and through trees.]
FRY
Come on freedom cage! Roll me to safety!
Yes! I never thought I'd escape with
my doodle, but I pulled it out!
BENDER
(shouting) Just like at the movie theatre!
[He hoots and Lrrr grabs Fry.]
LRRR
Give me that!
[Fry screams. The guard starts the whizzer and the other opens
the cooler. Leela gasps. Something growls. Bigfoot emerges from
the trees.]
FRY
Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it. The Loch
Ness Monster's book was right!
[Bigfoot stops and sniffs the Omicronians.]
LRRR
Well, hello there my furry friend.
ND-ND
Look at his adorable little feet. Yes
you are a cutie-pie.
[Enter Ranger Park with his camera.]
RANGER PARK
Holy macaroni! I can't believe I'm
seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh I've
waited my entire life for this moment!
[He pulls a gun out from behind him and points it at Bigfoot.
Everyone mumbles.]
BENDER
What are you doing with that?
[Lrrr steps forward.]
LRRR
You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
RANGER PARK
Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilise
him so I can chop off his feet as proof
he exists. Then dump him back in the
wild. He'll do fine.
[He aims the gun. Lrrr steps in front. Nd-Nd stands at his side.]
LRRR
You'll have to get through me first.
RANGER PARK
OK, nighty nght.
[He shoots but the tranquiliser dart bounces off Lrrr. Lrrr vapourises
the gun.]
LRRR
Now leave this gentle sasquatch - or
wood ape - in peace so I can finally
and at long last harvest this pathetic
human's lower horn.
FRY
Yeah!
[He screams.]
LRRR
Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this
beast's lower horn, am I any better
than that ranger with his demented foot
lust? Yes. But not by enough.
[Park walks behind Bigfoot and cuts off a tuft of his fur.]
RANGER PARK
Score!
[Bigfoot scratches himself.]
LRRR
This human's lower horn is one of God's
creatures, a living thing. And all living
things, large and small...
BENDER
(shouting) In this case "small"!
[He hoots.]
LRRR
...have diginity. And a spark of divine.
[He cries.]
ND-ND
That's the gentle sensitive poet warlord
I fell in love with!
[She hugs him and they both crush Fry between them. He squeezes
his way out. Lrrr and Nd-Nd kiss. Bender, Fry and Leela avoid
watching.]
LRRR
(shouting) Uh, you'll wanna retreat
to a safe, 500 metre radius!
[They start running.]
LEELA
Well Fry, it looks like you get to hold
onto your lower horn.
BENDER
As usual! (shouting) Run away!
[They leg it and Bigfoot stays and watches Lrrr and Nd-Nd on
the floor. Then he walks off into the thick forest.]
[Closing Credits. Over the credits a deleted scene from The Birdbot
Of Ice-Catraz is played. It is an episode of The Scary Door.
The opening titles play.]
[The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a
lab a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
SCIENTIST [ON TV]
I have combined the DNA of the world's
most evil animals, to make the most
evil creature of them all.
[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door
in it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]
MAN [ON TV]
It turns out it's Man.
[Scary dramatic Scary Door music.]
|
