"TEENAGE MUTANT LEELA'S HURDLES"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Now Interactive! Joystick Controls
Fry's Left Ear!]
[Outside Planet Express. It is a calm and peaceful day. Suddenly
a huge gargoyle crashes through the Planet Express roof and flies
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth shakes his fist.]
Pazuzu you ungrateful gargoyle! I put
you through college and this is how
you repay me?
[Pizzuzu poos on him.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The Professor is dressed in a long coat, a scarf
and driving goggles. He puts on some driving gloves.]
Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the
road. Driving gloves, driving goggles.
Driving thong. There.
[He sits down in the pilot's seat.]
Uh, maybe I should drive.
You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a
monster not find the quickest route
to the mall! Let me just adjust the
[He pulls a lever and the seat moves forward until his face is
pressed up against the windscreen. He starts the engine and the
My God, he's gonna do it! Everybody,
seatbelts to maximum buckling.
[The seatbelts completely cover them. Bender takes out a nail
gun and nails himself to the wall. The ship takes off.]
[Outside Ship. The ship joins a space road flying very slowly
and causes huge tailbacks.]
[Randy pulls up alongside him.]
RANDY [FROM HIS CAR]
Hey grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester!
[He drives away. Farnsworth takes a little time to react.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
For heaven's gate Professor this ship
can do 99% light speed. Why are we going
at 35 miles an hour?
Because we're in a hurry that's why.
Plus you have the highbeams on!
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The highbeams point at a roadsign directing
drivers to the eastern half of the universe.]
[Outside Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth lands the ship in the
car park of the Florida driving cafe and they get out.]
Yo, Captain Cateracts, what are we doing
Oh it's 2:30, we can still catch the
early bird dinner special.
Uh, aren't we looking for your gargoyle?
[Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth orders.]
Hello Mavis! Surprised to see me back
again so soon?
Mavis is dead.
I expect you'll want to see my angry
crotchety grandpa discount card!
[He hands her a card. She reads it.]
Sir this card is expired.
But it's good for a lifetime.
Well yours expired.
[Cut to: Table. Farnsworth sits down. Fry, Leela and Bender are
already eating. Farnsworth gets out his teeth and puts them on
the table. Leela covers her eyes in disbelief.]
Oh Lord! Teeth do not belong in your
Well I can't keep them in my mouth.
They're nuclear powered!
[He presses a button on a remote control and the teeth start
chomping his food. They bite Fry.]
Ow! It bit me!
[The teeth start chomping very quickly.]
No! No! It's tasted human blood!
[The teeth start flying around the room, biting at people. Farnsworth
slurps his slop through a straw.]
Mmm! Damn good meat!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth sits asleep at
the desk, snoring. Enter the crew.]
Professor we've talked it over and everyone
thinks you're too old.
We've decided to do the merciful thing
and have you Youthasized.
Dear God no!
Oh relax Professor. Youthasizing is
a trendy new spa treatment, its this
seasons shark cartilage enema.
But I like being old. I don't have to
talk to my parents, no one asks me to
help move their stuff, I don't need
to understand today's "edgy TV sitcoms."
OK OK, we're not gonna force you until
I've finished this sentence. Get him!
[The crew grab Farnsworth. He screams. They carry him out.]
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Entrance. Enter a Neptunian
woman named Heather.]
Hi, I'm Heather your personal Youthasizer!
Lets get started with a nice botulism
treatment shall we?
Go to hell Heather!
Oh! In small doses botchelism toxin
tightens and tones the facial muscles
instead of killing you in the most horrible
[She injects it into him and his face tightens.]
Give me back my floppy face!
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Massage Parlour. A pink tentacled
thing massages Farnsworth.]
Careful with the giblets!
Hmm, you're still retaining a lot of
grump in these joints. More pressure.
[It applies more pressure and Farnsworth's skin oozes off the
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Tar Pits. Heather scans Farnsworth
with an age scanner.]
Since this is such a serious case of
old, we'll have to try our strongest
treatment. A soothing full body bath
in searing hot tar. Sir, its not neccesary
or wise to be naked.
You sound just like my tennis instructor.
[He climbs into the tar.]
The tar blisters the age right out of
the body in what top scientists suspect
is a miracle.
[She pumps more tar into the bath. Farnsworth gets up.]
Oh I don't have time for this. I have
to go and buy a single piece of fruit
with a coupon and then return it, making
people wait behind me while I complain.
He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real
[Bender pushes Heather away from the pump and rolls up his sleeves.]
Step aside lady. Like everything else
in life, pumping is just a primative
degenerate form of bending. (mean voice)
C'mon Bender pump harder! Harder! (weak
voice) I'm trying as hard as I can.
(mean voice) Harder damn you!
[The ground beneath the crew starts to crack and the tar and
Farnsworth fly into the air. The ground gives way and the crew
slide into the pit. The tar lands back on top of them and covers
them. They climb out as blackened figures. Farnsworth takes a
towel from Heather and wipes the tar away. He now has a full
head of hair and his wrinkles are gone.]
Well that was an utter waste of time.
[The crew gasp.]
Professor it worked! You look young
enough to be my father!
Poodlespit! 53 years old? Now I'll
need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.
[Fry talks but his voice is strangely squeaky.]
This is great Professor! We should go
out and celebrate!
[He wipes the tar away from his face. He is younger. Heather
scans him. He is 14. The entire crew is younger. Amy is fat and
Hermes has an afro.]
Dear Lord, you've all reverted to your
[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]
Hooray! I'm a teenage hearthrob again!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
While I try to restore our normal ages,
I expect you all to go about your jobs
like normal professionals.
[Someone fires a spit ball at him. They laugh.]
It wasn't me Mr F, it was Amy! Stop
[She feebly hits him.]
You know you did it!
[The kids start arguing.]
Quiet! Quiet I say!
[He presses a button and a holographic mushroom cloud appears
in the middle of the table. Enter LaBarbara and Dwight.]
We're here to take my little stub of
a husband home. Hermes, say goodbye
to Mr Farnsworth.
Goodbye Mr Dumbsworth!
[He and Dwight laugh.]
Hey, this my chance to spend time with
my parents too!
But your parents are gross sewer mutants.
[A huge spit ball hits him and knocks him off his chair. Bender
When I was an orphan I always wished
I could grow up with my mom and dad.
And now, thanks to being hurled backwards
through time -
That's not what happened! Shut up and
go live with your parents.
[Outside Planet Express. Leela walks out of the building with
a backpack and opens a manhole cover. She climbs down the ladder.]
[Cut to: Sewer. She climbs down.]
[Turanga House: Living Room. Leela is with her parents.]
It's gonna be totally awesome mom! You
and me can bake and argue about my hairstyle
hiding my pretty face. And if some kid
picks on me, my dad can beat up his
Can't I just beat up the kid?
Well OK Leela, if you think you can
put up with your father, welcome home.
We'll try to respect your independence
and your freedom.
No! I want the real teen experience!
Chores, curfew, the works!
Fine Leela we'll be the strictest parents
ever. Now, lets all have some tequila
Dad I'm underage!
Oh right. Here's a silly straw.
[He puts the straw in the bottle.]
[Wong Ranch: Amy's Bedroom. Amy sits in bed. Leo and Inez sit
on the end.]
Oh my Amy's sweet little girl again.
This like a mother's dream. Bad dream
that is! At this rate I'm never going
to get a grandchild!
Maybe she not grown up but she sure
grown out! She fat!
Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes
until I get cute again I'm just gonna
stay in my room.
Stay in room? You so fat you gonna stay
all around room!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
I've got to find a way to escape the
horrible ravages of youth! Suddenly
I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork
every three hours! And those jerks at
social security stopped sending me cheques!
Now I have to pay them!
I'm tired of your yapping. All you
ever do is complain, you never try to
make things better. Well I'm running
away from this dead end family! I know
there's a place for people like me with
new ideas. There has to be!
Fine, get going!
Oh I'm going! You're gonna be all "Where's
Bender? I miss Bender!"
We won't know that until you leave.
Oh, I'm leaving!
There's the door.
[Bender thinks for a moment.]
I'll be good.
[Turanga House: Living Room. Munda sweeps white flakes off the
Ah, do you have to shed your skin on
the couch? What do we live in, a zoo?
[The doorbell rings.]
I'm getting the doorbell. For me?
Oh, hello sir. It's a lovely evening
you have tonight. Um I'm here to pick
up your daughter.
[Leela comes down the stairs wearing a dress. She has a bow in
Hi Fry! I like your blazer.
Thanks. These aren't pockets they're
just flaps. I put my money in my sock.
So, where are you taking my daughter
A movie. A movie ma'am.
[He winks at Leela and she smiles.]
Well whatever you're really doing, don't
wake us if you get in after 12.
Dad, you're being too leaneant again!
I have to be back by 11.
OK OK you're the boss!
No I'm not!
[Outside Stenchy's. At the mutant cafe Fry and Leela sit in a
car looking at the menus.]
I'd like a sewer burger but without
the rat feces.
What are you on a diet?
[A car pulls up beside them with a guy with moose antlers in
his head and a girl with eyes on stalks.]
Uh Leela you look hot!
Jeez Moose, just dump me right in front
of her why don't you!
Moose, Mandy, this is my friend Fry
- from the surface!
Oh so this is the famous Fry! What is
he like the biggest loser on the surface
so he has to hang out in the sewer?
They're onto me.
Hey come on, let's act like grown ups
here! Wanna race?
[They pulls away from Stenchy's and start racing through the
sewer tunnels. Fry and Leela are lagging behind. Fry shuffles
up to Leela and tries to put his arm around her but the car jerks
and he falls over.]
[Cut to: Sewage Treatment Plant. Sal puts something in the tanks.]
Theres. The worlds drinkings water is
safes for another days. Whoas! Cripe!
[Cut to: Sewers. The cars scrape the sides of the tunnel and
make sparks. Leela comes alongside Moose. They come to an open
area of the sewer and a huge tapeworm comes out of the water.]
[She and Fry scream and head off down a different tunnel to Moose
We missed the turn, we'll never catch
Yes we will. This sewer goes right under
Planet Express and its's 9pm!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The toilet flushes.]
[Cut to: Sewer. Sewer water floods in behind Fry and Leela and
the wave pushes them faster. Fry screams. At the finish line
Moose and Mandy are just about to cross it when Fry and Leela
fly through and cut the tape first. The crowd and Fry and Leela
[The car keeps going.]
Leela you can stop winning now, we won!
I'm too short to reach the handbrake!
[The car crashes into the school.]
[Cut to: Classroom. Dwayne sits at a desk in amongst the rubble
and turns to Leela.]
[Planet Express: Room. Fry recounts his story to Bender.]
And then, and then, this giant tapeworm
tried to play us for chumps but we like
totally dissed Moose!
[Farnsworth strokes the antlers of a moose on the wall.]
Yes, I'd like to meet this "moose."
But in the meantime I have good news.
I may have solved our age problem.
[Farnsworth presses a button and a holographic strand of DNA
It seems the Youthasizer tar was saturated
with time-altering chronitons. A thin
layer is still stuck to our DNA as well
as Bender's Robot DNA or "RNA."
Yes yes. Anyhow I've designed an oil
eating bacterium that should take the
tar right off.
C'mon! Lets go tell Leela so we can
grow up together!
[Bender makes kissy smoochy noise. Fry frowns.]
[Turanga House: Living Room.]
Thanks Professor but I don't want the
Don't you understand you little nitwit?
Unless you're treated soon, the only
way to restore your true age would be
to grow into it! Just as God intended.
He has a point honey. What about your
job and your friends? Do you really
want to abandon your old life?
My old life wasn't as glamourous as
my webpage made it look. All I ever
wanted was to grow up here. With you.
Well if it's what you really want.
It is. I know it is.
[Fry looks down sadly.]
I'll miss you Leela. I'll come ack and
visit when I'm all grown up.
No beer 'til you finish your tequila!
[Planet Express: Hangar. The Professor has set up a huge green
[Everyone cheers and runs in.]
[Farnsworth closes the door.]
[Cut to: Bacterial Spew Chamber.]
Initiating controlled infection.
[He pulls a switch and the spew chamber coughs. The room fills
with a cloud.]
I'm no doctor but this machine guy could
use a lozenge.
[The cloud clears. The crew are even younger.]
Aw poo! We're even younger!
[Farnsworth scans himself. 37.5. 37.4. 37.3. He is still decreasing
Damn! the bacteria pigged out on the
tar and now they're getting freaky deaky,
spreading chronitons throughout our
systems. We're getting younger by the
[The crew gasp.]
What I'm going to revrt through all
my larval stages?
[He changes shape.]
Word! We'll all keep getting younger
and younger until we suffer a fate worse
than death - pre-life! Then death.
[Zoidberg reverts to a shell.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth Lab. Farnsworth scans Amy with the
scanner. She is about 8.]
I've got to stop this reverse aging
before we all shrivel up and suffer
the agony of unbirth. Think you disco
What's that squirming under your shirt?
[Farnsworth opens his shirt. Zoidberg has reverted to a lamprey
and is attached to his chest.]
Get off me you parasitic lamprey!
Oh sure like you need all your blood.
[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops around the floor. The
Would you all chill! I can't think with
you kids cramping my style! Oh I need
[Turanga House: Leela's Bedroom. Leela is the kids' new babysitter.
They jump up and down on the bed.]
OK, quiet time. I know, everyone pretend
to THING TO CHECK your tongue and I'll
read you a story.
[Zoidberg is on the floor and has turned into a spiky thing.]
I can't see from down here I can't.
[Leela sticks him to the wall.]
There. Todays story is from New Teen
magazine. What would you rather hear
about? Four legged Chachi or tentacled
I wanna hear a space story!
[He holds up a book called A Child's Garden Of Space Legends.]
It's kind of a baby book. But OK. Let's
see. Snow White Dwarf And The Seven
Red Dwarves, Charlotte's Tholian Web,
The Fountain Of Aging.
[She closes the book and gasps.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela talks to Farnsworth
on the videophone.]
The Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just
a legend. Still, they called the Tooth
Fairy a legend and now it's head of
[Turanga House: Living Room. Farnsworth - now de-aged even more
- knocks on the door. Morris answers.]
Sup? Kids ready?
[The kids run out screaming. Fry hugs Farnsworth's leg.]
Professy's back! Eww, you smell like
smoking. And drinking.
I had a few beers but I'm cool to drive.
I wish I could come with you to say
goodbye, before you all turn back in
to grown ups but I'm grounded for knocking
the school over.
Who cares Leela? It was just a public
school. Now go with your friends, please.
No! A grounded teenager must be confined
to her room!
[Outside Turanga House. Leela opens her bedroom window and starts
...until she sneaks out!
[She climbs out and starts up the ladder after the others.]
When I grow up I wanna be a steam shovel!
[Ship's Cockpit. The kids - now even younger - have disassembled
Bender and are playing with his pieces. A geeky looking Professor
flies the ship. Leela reads the book.]
According to this, the fountain is located
within the darkest, most ancient region
of space, just past teddybear junction.
Teddybear junction, the worst scum hole
in the galaxy.
[Time Lapse. The ship flies into a solar system full of old planets.]
This solar system is like way old.
Look how high the asteroid belt is pulled
up on that planet.
Newsflash! Everything's getting older
the closer we get to that sun!
Dude, the Fountain Of Aging must be
on the sun itself!
Shut up! I was gonna say that!
[The ship lands next to a swirling blue whirlpool - The Fountain
[Outside Ship. Leela wheels the kids off the cargo ramp in a
trolley. They are really young.]
We've got to hurry. The kids have only
one change of pants!
[Farnsworth puts Zoidberg at the side of the fountain.]
We gotta be real real careful to stay
in just long enough to make us our right
[Zoidberg falls in and rapidly ages.]
Zoidberg! Get out of there!
The current, its too much already! Help!
[Zoidberg gets closer to the surface, turns grey, cracks, breaks
up and dies like that bloke in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade.
The babies cry.]
Zoidberg is dead!
No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! funny
story. I just reverted to the age where
my siblings budded from me and my brother
Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
He always had to be the centre of attention!
[The other siblings agree.]
Oh no! Quick! Get them into the fountain!
[Farnsworth gathers them up and goes down the steps.]
Thanks for the help Weewa. Once we're
gwown up you can go back to your famiwy.
We'wl never bother you again.
You can bother me a little.
[Farnsworth climbs in and they age rapidly.]
It's working! Hooray! I can't hold
[He lets go and the whirlpool catches him.]
I'm coming in after you!
[She ties a baby blanket around her waist.]
No Leela! You can't give up your childhood!
You'll never have another chance at
[Leela thinks about it then jumps in. she reaches out to Fry
and grabs his hand. the others grab on to him. they climb out
at the side, their ages fully restored.]
We did it! We're the right ages again!
I think I might be a couple years younger.
Oh, me too!
[She winks at Leela.]
He's too far out! We can't reach him!
Are you back to your original age Professor?
[Farnsworth scans himself.]
Even older! Huzzah!
[He cheers and his bones break.]
I'm sorry you had to give up being a
Well, I guess ever adult wants to be
a kid sometimes. But I worked hard to
be the person I am!
The fabulous person!
With friends like you guys -
[He hugs her and Bender.]
And I'm really happy I have that life
[Farnsworth pats the gargoyle.]
And you my faithful fiend! How can I
ever repay you?
[Cut to: Paris. the gargoyles sit on the roof of Notre Dame.]