FUTURAMA
Episode 308
"THAT'S LOBSTERTAINMENT"
By
Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Deciphered From Crop Circles.]
[Outside The Comedy Simulator. "Amateur Nite" is displayed in
lights on the building; "Amateur Valet Parking Nite" is displayed
on a billboard by the door. A man and a woman wait for the valet
to bring their car round and he promptly crashes it into a lamppost,
gets out and hands the man the keys.]
[Cut to: The Comedy Simulator. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a
robot with a mechanical voice finish his act. Leela is wearing
her cryogenics officer jacket.]
ROBOT
So I says, "Super collider? I just met
her!" And then they built the super
collider. Thank you, you've been a great
audience.
[The audience applauds and the robot leaves. Florp takes the
mic.]
FLORP
Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next stand-up's a veteran of four
comedy traffic schools. Give it way
up for Bobcat Zoidberg!
[The audience applauds and Zoidberg wanders onto the stage.]
FRY
(cheering) Alright!
LEELA
(cheering) Yeah!
BENDER
(cheering) Alright, Zoidberg!
[The applause dies down.]
ZOIDBERG
Earth. What a planet. On Earth, you
enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet,
clams enjoy eating a tasty you. Maybe
I'm not yelling loud enough. (shouting)
On Earth, everybody is always looking
for a giant squid. On my planet -
[A tomato hits him in the face and he eats it. At their table,
Bender stresses a spoon back on its handle.]
BENDER
Reload.
[Leela puts another tomato in and he fires. It misses Zoidberg
and he carries on with his act.]
ZOIDBERG
So these three parasitic worms bore
into a human's head...
[The audience murmurs to each other.]
WOMAN
Eww, gross.
ZOIDBERG
...and they walk up to the bar and then
- uh-oh. Wait, stop! I've got more!
(groaning) Oh.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning, the rest of
the crew listen to Zoidberg's sad story.]
ZOIDBERG
My whole life I worked on that act.
And they hated it.
HERMES
You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor.
No combination of you should be a comedian.
ZOIDBERG
But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle
Harold was a big Hollywood star back
in the era of silent holograms.
LEELA
(awestruck) Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
ZOIDBERG
(dramatic) This I cannot deny.
FARNSWORTH
Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since
back when my hips were made of bone.
As it happens, I still have some of
my original 78s.
[He picks up a big 78 million RPM Holodisk, blows the dust off
it and puts the disc onto a gramophone-like machine. A black-and-white
3D picture appears in the middle of the table. The studio is
Metropolitan Holoplays and the title is A Close Shaving (MMCMXXII).
A Decapodian barber played by Harold Zoid sharpens his razor
blades in his shop. A man walks in and says "Your finest trim,
please". He takes his hat off and the barber uses his claws to
cut the man's moustache completely off. The man is shocked and
exclaims "You are a buffoon. Now cut my beard". The barber puts
shaving foam over the man's chin and cuts his head off. The man's
head bounces through the door. The barber waves the man's hat.
"Sir, you forgot your hat!" The film ends with the caption "The
End" and "Buy Moxie". The crew chuckle.]
HERMES
You're right, crabby. He's a hell of
a lot funnier than you could ever be.
ZOIDBERG
Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him
and asked for a few hundred pointers...
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits with Zoidberg as
he plans his letter.]
ZOIDBERG
This letter has to be very personal,
so I'm writing it in my own ink. (writing;
thinking) Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings
from your long-lost nephew. Norm and
Sam and Sadie's boy, remember? ...
[Fade to: Outside Final Curtain Old Actors' Home. The building
is a run-down heap on Hollywood and Vine.]
ZOIDBERG
(voice-over) ...Now I am the most important
doctor at the delivery company where
I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft
of laughter.
[Cut to: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home Lounge. The inside of
the building is as equally run-down as the outside. An old Decapodian
sits in a chair reading Zoidberg's letter.]
ZOID
(reading) I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle,
teach me the comedy business. Sincerely,
Zoidberg. (talking) Oy, isn't that nice?
He took the time.
[An old woman looks over his shoulder.]
WOMAN
What's that scribbldy-gook?
ZOID
This is a fan letter from my rich doctor
nephew who just might be my ticket out
of this flophouse, he might. Yeah,
you'd better run. (writing) Dear Rich
Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny.
The first funny thing you must do is
put all of your money in the form of
a cashier's cheque and come to Hollywood.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg reads the reply to Bender,
Fry and Leela.]
ZOIDBERG
(reading) Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S.
Cashier's cheque. (talking) Did you
hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
[The ship flies across the California desert, through the middle
of the third Hollywood "O" and down to a multi-storey car park.
Leela sets down in a compact only space, shunting the cars either
side out of the way.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela puts the huge steering lock on
the wheel.]
[Hollywood Street. The foursome board an open-top Star Tours
bus which, as the disclaimer states, does not leave Earth.]
TOUR GUIDE
Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you,
there's no refund if you get discovered
and leave the tour! I'm just kidding,
that never happens. Now, to your right,
you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios.
Fox uses those searchlights to blind
pilots, then film the resulting plane
crashes.
[The passengers get a demonstration as a plane crashes nearby
in a huge fireball. Bender takes a photo of it.]
BENDER
Neat!
TOUR GUIDE
Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,
star of the hit film, Bravehead. And
do we have any fans of Calculon, star
of the robot soap opera All My Circuits?
BENDER
Oh, I am, me! Bender is!
TOUR GUIDE
Then you'll wanna get a close look at
his luxurious Bel-Air home.
BENDER
Yes, I will.
[He jumps off the bus, lands on a car and runs through the hedge.]
[Cut to: Outside Calculon's House. Bender rings the doorbell
and Calculon, wearing a personalised bathrobe, answers it.]
CALCULON
Are you my new hot water heater?
BENDER
No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
CALCULON
Absolutely not.
BENDER
Come on, don't you remember how much
I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause
it was a lot, you remember, right?
[Calculon pushes him away.]
CALCULON
Look, I'm programmed to be very busy.
Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees,
I'm not interested. Have you got an
extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need
a bender.
BENDER
Bender? That was the other guy. My name's
Boiler.
[Calculon's Bathroom. Calculon stands in the shower. Bender stands
behind him spraying him with water.]
CALCULON
Nice work, Boiler.
BENDER
Thanks. And call me Bender.
[Hollywood Street. The tour bus passes Hugo Bott, Calvin Clone
and a restaurant called Ebola.]
ZOIDBERG
That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid
for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams.
Next time you see me, don't be surprised
if I've eaten.
[He runs off the bus and into the restaurant, wooping.]
[Cut to: Ebola. He stops wooping when he sees a smartly-dressed
Zoid sitting at a table waiting for him.]
ZOIDBERG
Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough
to be throw back!
ZOID
Rich nephew, come over here and give
your uncle a nice, big meal. So, here
we are: A still-famous film comedian...
ZOIDBERG
...And a rich, respected doctor with
many surviving patients.
ZOID
Eating real food in a restaurant, as
we both often do. So, you want to be
a comedian, is it?
ZOIDBERG
It's my lifelong dream.
ZOID
(shouting) Well that dream dies now.
You're unfunny and untalented. That's
why you're perfect for drama.
ZOIDBERG
Hmm, serious drama. Perhaps it is time
to give up comedy.
[A waiter trips and drops a plate of spaghetti bolognese on Zoidberg.
The other diners laugh.]
ZOID
I'm putting together a big drama picture
right now, as we speak. The script is
dynamite. I know because I wrote it
myself. And with me directing and starring,
I'll be back on top after 50 miserable
years......uh, of fame.
ZOIDBERG
Ah, fame. Where do I come in?
ZOID
This fame film has a juicy part for
you, if you completely finance it with
your doctor money. So, are you in?
ZOIDBERG
Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest?
ZOID
Oh, not much, not much, (quietly) amilliondollars.
(talking) Then it's settled. Another
blockbuster Hollywood deal.
WAITER
What can I get you gentlemen?
ZOIDBERG
Is bread free?
WAITER
Yeah.
ZOIDBERG
We'll split an order.
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still parked. Zoidberg, Fry and
Leela are back. Zoidberg cries. Bender walks in with a cap, a
personalised jacket, shades and a cigar.]
BENDER
What's with Monstro?
FRY
He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid
a million bucks to make a movie.
ZOIDBERG
(crying) I've only been here a day and
already I'm a Hollywood phoney.
BENDER
(proud) Well, perhaps I could call on
TVs Calculon to help, now that I'm in
showbiz.
[He turns around and shows the others the All My Circuits logo
on the back of his jacket.
FRY
Since when have you been in the biz?
BENDER
Long enough, little man. Long enough.
[His hand starts shaking and it bursts with water which covers
Fry.]
[Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The quartet pass a sign
saying "Taping In Progress. Please Announce Self With Bullhorn"
as they go in.]
[Calculon's Dressing Room. They walk in as Calculon applies WD-40
to himself.]
BENDER
Calculon, as your hot water heater......I
would be remiss if I didn't bring you
scripts that could make you an international
film star.
CALCULON
Of course. Tell me about the project.
ZOIDBERG
It's a movie.
CALCULON
Interesting. Tell me more.
BENDER
Get this: For a scant $1 million investment,
you can be the star.
CALCULON
And?
BENDER
And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an
Oscar.
CALCULON
An Oscar, you say? That would get me
out of this festering rat's nest called
"television" once and for all. Let me
see the script. No, no I don't like
the font. Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this
written by the Harold Zoid?
ZOIDBERG
Written and Xeroxed.
CALCULON
Good heavens. A chance to work with
the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one
of my great idols. And, and you say
you can guarantee me the Oscar?
BENDER
I can guarantee anything you want.
CALCULON
Then I'll do it!
ZOIDBERG
Hooray!
[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]
BENDER
Here's your chequebook.
[The Magnificent Three Soundstage. Sets are built and backdrops
are painted as Calculon introduces Zoid.]
CALCULON
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our
director, the legendary Harold Zoid!
[The cast and crew applaud Zoid, who is dressed riding trousers
and various other odd clothes.]
ZOID
Thank you. A more classic movie plot
there isn't: A son who does not want
to follow in his father's business.
And that business is being president
of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens,
is vice president.
BENDER
(to Calculon) That plot makes perfect
sense, wink wink.
ZOIDBERG
Bender, you said "wink wink" out loud.
BENDER
No, I didn't. (quietly) Raise middle
finger.
[Time Lapse. Calculon stands in front of a backdrop of the White
House and Zoid tries to find a good angle.]
ZOID
Now, remember, and I can't stress this
enough, this is a talkie. So I want
the full gamut of emotions from every
actor in every scene.
[He walks onto the set with Calculon.]
ZOIDBERG
The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take
one.
[He claps the clapperboard together, which has been painted on
his claw.]
ZOID
And, action!
CALCULON
Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing
bills into law was always your dream,
not mine.
ZOID
Cut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a
talkie, damnit! You've got to emote
more! And you extras: Wave your arms
and make faces. What is this, a morgue?
[Time Lapse. Zoid, Calculon and some extras stand on a set of
the White House oval office.]
ZOIDBERG
The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take
95.
ZOID
Action. And I mean circus-grade action.
[As Calculon over-acts his way through the scene, extras run
around the set, waving their arms, making noises and impersonating
apes.]
CALCULON
Sir, I call upon you not as a president
but as a father.
[He cries on Zoid's shoulder. Zoid pushes him away.]
ZOID
Cut, cut, cut it! Would you show a
little emotion? People, people, please.
Just because it's a dramatic scene,
doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy
in the background. Throw a pie or two,
for God's sake.
[Time Lapse. The extras run around in front of the White House
backdrop throwing pies and laughing.]
[Time Lapse. On a set of the White House roof, Calculon finishes
a scene. There is a rain a wind machine nearby.]
CALCULON
(screaming) Nooo!
[He cries. Zoid runs onto the set.]
ZOID
Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright,
kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing.
Alright, that's a wrap everybody, I'm
gonna see you all at the premiere which,
by the way, when is?
ZOIDBERG
Well, uh, editing is a long and expensive
process but we spent all the money on
pies, so it'll be ready Friday.
[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Bender takes
a seat with the stars in the packed auditorium.]
BENDER
Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's
practically on your mantel.
CALCULON
I just pray they like me half as much
as I do.
[The lights dim and the credits roll. The audience cheers when
Zoid's name comes up on the screen. The first scene is outside
The White House; Washington D.D. The typer corrects it to D.C.
Calculon and Zoid have a scene together in the oval office.]
CALCULON
(in movie) I agreed to be your vice
president but I never agreed to be your
son. Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
ZOIDBERG
(in movie) Good morning, Mr. Vice President!
[Outside Loew's Gaddafi's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Next door,
Pauly Shore's Jury Duty II is still playing. The Planet Express
ship flies back and forth over the building.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry peers through the window. He is
wearing a light blue tuxedo.]
FRY
Leela, we're missing the premiere.
My only goal in life was to attend a
Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet
the two bucks.
LEELA
No! It's the principle of the thing.
Besides, I think I see a parking lot
up ahead.
[The ship lands on a black surface - and starts to sink. Leela
has landed on a tar pit. She and Fry scream.]
[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. The film
has nearly finished playing. Calculon and Zoid are on the roof
of the White House in the rain. Zoid is sat in a wheelchair.]
CALCULON
(in movie) Father, I have asked you
to join me on the White House roof so
we could have a heart-to-heart talk.
I will never follow in your footsteps.
Here is my resignation as vice president.
[Zoid cuts the paper up.]
ZOID
(in movie) No! My son will not shame
me like this. I would sooner die, I
would!
[He pushes his wheelchair away.]
CALCULON
(in movie) Father! The ledge!
[Zoid's chair rolls off the ledge.]
ZOID
(in movie) Oy!
CALCULON
(in movie) Oh.
[Zoidberg opens a hatch in the roof.]
ZOIDBERG
(in movie) The president is dead. Congratulations,
Mr. President.
CALCULON
(screaming; in movie) Nooo!
[The film ends with Bender credited as executive producer.]
BENDER
(cheering) Woohoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!
[Calculon looks around. The room is empty.]
CALCULON
Everyone walked out. They hated it.
I've seen plagues that have better opening
nights than this. You said that Oscar
was practically on my mantel.
BENDER
Now you know why I use the qualifier,
"practically".
CALCULON
You listen to me. I'm out a million
bucks here! You get me that Oscar, or
you're dead! You and these snivelling
lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!
[Bender and Zoidberg huddle together. Calculon leaves.]
ZOID
Oy, now he emotes!
[Calculon's Lounge. Calculon reads Daily Variety. The headline
reads "Osc Noms Announced" and "Also, Oscar Nominations Announced".]
CALCULON
400 categories and not a single nomination
for me.
ZOIDBERG
But you won this Golden Globe!
CALCULON
Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!
I told you I want an Oscar.
BENDER
Then maybe you should act better.
CALCULON
The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about
earning the respect and admiration of
the creative community.
ZOID
How 'bout we rig the awards?
CALCULON
That's fine too.
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still in the tar pit. Leela tries
the engine but it stalls.]
LEELA
It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus,
I think I flooded it.
FRY
Well, we missed the premiere and we're
gonna die. We might as well enjoy the
sights. Oh my God, Sylvester Stallone!
[Final Curtain Old Actors' Home: Zoid's Room.]
ZOIDBERG
This is where you live? I though you
were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.
ZOID
No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar
than you. My career went down the tube
the day they invented smell-a-vision.
BENDER
Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's
all everybody else's fault.
ZOID
Oy. All I wanted was for people to think
of me one last time before I die.
ZOIDBERG
What are you talking about? Everybody
remembers Harold Zoid!
ZOID
As a pathetic has-been, they remember
me. As a forgotten relic, they remember
me. Bah! It's better to die now.
ZOIDBERG
No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't
be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
[He leaves with an ineffective walk.]
[Outside Academy Awards. Florp arrives in a limo and photographers
line the red carpet to take pictures of the stars. Joan Rivers's
head presents the TV coverage.]
RIVERS
Hi, I'm Joan Rivers's head. I tell you,
I've had so many face-lifts, they finally
lifted it right off my body! It's true,
it's true! Oh, oh, oh, here comes Jack
Nicholson's DNA, reconstituted in a
gorilla body.
[The gorilla walks up the carpet. Around the back Bender, wearing
a chef's hat, pushes a trolley towards a door. A doorman stops
him.]
BENDER
Catering.
[The doorman lifts the lid off the plate. Zoidberg is underneath
with a pineapple in his mouth. The doorman gags and lets Bender
inside. Joan Rivers introduces more stars on the red carpet.]
RIVERS
Oh, and here's washed-up actor, what's-his-name,
Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one
of those tacky honorary awards, or just
getting one?
ZOID
I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only
marketable skill is to occupy space.
[Academy Awards. Zoid sits between Calculon and Boxy.]
CALCULON
You know, the second I don't win that
award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?
[Boxy beeps and points a laser at Zoid. Some music plays and
the audience applauds.]
ANNOUNCER
And now, the host of the 1074th Academy
Awards, Billy Crystal.
[The curtain lifts. Crystal's head is atop a giant Oscar statuette.]
CRYSTAL
Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels.
Alright, we're already one hour behind.
Our first award tonight, Best Cinematography
in a Non-Visible Spectrum.
[Ship's Cockpit.]
FRY
It's been two weeks. You wanna play
tic-tac-toe again before we eat our
shoes?
LEELA
Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom
of a pit. But a pit full of tar?
[The ship bangs and tilts.]
FRY
What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar
shark?
[Leela looks at a scanner.]
LEELA
It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid
of human life. The Los Angeles subway!
We can blast our way in and escape!
FRY
Alright, but I still feel like having
a shoe.
[He starts to eat it and Leela tries the engine.]
[Academy Awards. Backstage, Bender peeps through a curtain.]
ZOIDBERG
What category are they on?
BENDER
They're giving out the minor technical
awards. I think they're up to writing.
ZOIDBERG
That leave Best Soft-Drink Product Placement
and then Best Actor. We don't have much
time.
[On the stage, the next category is presented.]
CRYSTAL
And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink
Product Placement are:
SLURM MACHINE
Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They
Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White And
The 7 Ups.
[Backstage, Bender swaps the microphones over.]
BENDER
And now, to present the award for Best
Actor......a bit player in the flop
movie The Magnificent Three......Dr.
Zoidberg.
[The audience applauds. Zoidberg throws Crystal's head out of
his jar and the audience cheers louder.]
CALCULON
(quietly) OK, Boxy, keep your prong
on the trigger.
[Zoid whimpers.]
ZOIDBERG
And the nominees for Best Actor are:
Sir Lawrence...... in The Merchant Of
Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini
Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot
in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in
How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead
of the fifth guy - Calculon, for his
powerhouse performance in The Magnificent
Three.
[The audience murmur. Backstage are two men with ballot boxes.]
MAN #1
Uh-oh, he read the wrong name.
MAN #2
(whispering) Shh, just play along, like
they did with Marisa Tomei.
[Zoid cheers.]
ZOID
Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live
another day. Another day of...pathetic,
forgotten misery.
[Zoidberg sees his sad uncle and opens the envelope.]
ZOIDBERG
And the winner is... And the winner,
instead of any of the nominees, is the
legendary Harold Zoid!
[Zoid runs onto the stage and the audience clap in confusion.
Zoid hugs Zoidberg.]
ZOID
Thank you. Thank you so much! You know,
through all my ups and downs, I always
thought the most important thing in
life was to win an Oscar. But tonight
I realise what's really important is
to win two Oscars. Ha, ha! I'm kidding,
I'm kidding. What really matters in
life is that people care about you,
whether it's a whole crowd......or just
one die-hard fan.
[He looks at Zoidberg. The audience claps and Jack Nicholson
swings from a chandelier.
[Ebola. Bender, Zoid and Zoidberg attend the Oscars party.]
ZOID
Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy.
10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills
us.
[Calculon and Boxy walk in.]
CALCULON
Harold Zoid!
BENDER
Hit the deck!
[He and Zoidberg cower under the table.]
CALCULON
Where's that Oscar?
ZOID
Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset?
It's slightly less fraudulent for you
to have it.
[He hands it to Calculon.]
CALCULON
Yes, yes it's a real beauty. Someday
I hope to win one of my own.
[He puts it back on the table.]
BENDER
Then you're not going to kill us, Your
Majesty?
CALCULON
Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid
too much to beat him to death with his
own Oscar.
[The crowd claps and the room shakes.]
ZOIDBERG
Earthquake!
BENDER
Hit the deck!
ZOID
Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's
Oscar!
[Hollywood Street. The tar-covered Planet Express ship bursts
out of an L.A. subway terminal and glides to a stop outside Ebola.
Leela and Fry walk down the steps.]
FRY
We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!
DOORMAN
I'm sorry, sir, this is a private -
oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr.
Stallone.
[Stallone's skeleton is stuck to Fry's leg. The doorman lets
him and Leela in.]
THE END
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