"THE CYBER HOUSE RULES"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Please Rise For The Futurama Theme
[Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV, Morbo and Linda present an
early morning breakfast programme called Good Morning Earth.
They are wearing pyjamas and sit in a cosy sitting room set.]
...So I gave the cookies to Fawn and
the kids and they couldn't believe it
-- they were delicious. But, I digress.
(shouting) Tremble, puny earthlings!
One day my race will destroy you all!
[Leela, Fry and Bender eat while they watch. The doorbell rings.]
Could one of you guys get that?
[They both shake their heads she narrows her eye at them.]
[Planet Express: Entrance Foyer. Leela opens the door and looks
around but there doesn't appear to be anyone there. She hears
a squealing noise, looks down and gasps.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little
guy. You know, I was abandoned as a
baby too, so --
Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.
[He starts stamping on the basket.]
Bender, stop! It's a baby!
A baby what? Ow!
[Leela bends down and unwraps the blankets. There is no baby
inside. Instead, there is a green card with a sad looking kid
on it holding up an empty food dish. Written along the top of
the card is "Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium”.]
Oh, it's just a card -- from the orphanarium
I grew up in.
[The card speaks with a child's voice.]
Leela, you're invited to reunion at
Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium.
Please stand clear of self-destructing
[The basket explodes.]
A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh?
You gonna go?
No way, jose-bot. I never wanna see
those other orphans again! Not after
the way they used to pick on me.
[Flashback: In the kids' playground at the orphanarium (where
everything is broken) the kids stand around young Leela, pointing
(chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
Nice depth-perception, one-eye!
How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're
My eyes may not work, but at least I
got two of them!
[He laughs again. Leela sighs.]
Aww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine
the look on their faces when you show
up with two friends who eat all the
Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success
in a few choice faces.
Set a course for adventure!
[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Lobby. There a broken,
leaking pipes running across the ceiling, the windows are barred
up and owls scavenge around the floor. Leela is wearing a purple
What a dump!
Just like old times. Gosh. The bars
on the windows seemed so much thicker
back then. Mr. Vogel? Remember me?
Leela! You're worthless and no one will
ever love you!
[They both laugh.]
You used to say that all the time!
Oh, those were happier days.
[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Gymnasium. A "Welcome,
Orphans" banner has been strung up across the ceiling and the
room has been decorated with balloons and streamers. There is
a sign that says "Please Abandon Coats In Lobby" next to the
buffet table where Fry and Bender stand.]
Mmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't
Mmm! And try one of these Popsicle sticks.
They've absorbed quite a bit of flavour.
Hey, look. It's our old group picture.
[They look at a black and white photo of the orphans and a younger
Vogel. Fry squints.]
I don't see you anywhere.
That's me over in Cootietown.
[She points at herself, standing apart from the group. Bender
points at someone in the back row.]
Whoa! Get a load of this average-looking
That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have
kind of a crush on him.
[Flashback. The scene continues from earlier with the kids still
(chanting) One-eye! One-eye!
Stupid as a French guy!
(chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
[Adlai chants with the others and Leela looks at him with lovey
eyes and sighs.]
Well, it's time to say hello to the
[She gulps down her drink, then Bender's and then the water from
a vase of flowers. On the other side of the gym, the orphans
have turned into bums.]
So, watcha been up to since you left
Uh, living in a box, fighting the shakes.
Selling kidneys, teeth; whatever falls
out of me.
And what am I up to, you ask? Well I'm
a very successful space captain.
How nice for you, Leela.
(patronising) That's so good for a person
with one eye.
Hey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm
a space captain and you're all a bunch
Uh, right, right. We're the losers!
[He coughs and a tooth falls out of his mouth. Kirk arrives.]
Well, if it isn't old one-eye!
Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy!
He can't hear you. He's deaf now.
Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly
normal life. She's not gussied up, duded
out, getting down or where it's at.
Now, run along.
[The other five leave.]
Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really
outgrow being an eyeball -- oddball!
Nonsense. You're a space captain. That's
a fine, conventional profession.
Well, you know. It's just for a package
Ah-ah. A package is just a box until
Huh. I'd never thought of it that way.
So what do you do these days?
Oh, I'm a doctor.
A tall doctor, you say?
[She brushes her fingers through her hair. At the bar, Bender
drinks down one glass while another is being refilled. Vogel
stands behind Fry with 12 kids.]
Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you
thought about adopting one of our kids?
Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great
way to have kids without having sex.
Plus, the government will help out with
a small stipend of $100 a week.
$100 a week?
[He spits out his drink, has it refilled, drinks it and spits
it out again. Aldai and Leela look at the group photos.]
I'm so sorry I teased you back then.
Let me make it up to you. I can fix
it so that no one ever makes fun of
You mean by beating them up? Because
I've broken that blind kid's nose like
10 times and it doesn't make any difference.
No, I specialise in phaser eye surgery.
I can build you a paraffin eye and graft
it on with skin from your foot. It won't
be able to see but you'll look like
a perfectly normal two-eyed person.
Me? Perfectly normal?
[She touches her eye and it squelches. Fry eats more of the hors
d'oeuvres and turns around when he hears laughing kids. Bender
is with the kids.]
Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.
Hey, why are those kids following you?
Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
No. It's called parenting. Come on,
dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends
Our daddy's a giant toy!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the conference
Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea.
I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping
at her eye all the time.
[He stares open-mouthed at her.]
I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela.
I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction
surgery here......and here.
[She points to her nose.]
You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need
surgery. You look great the way you
Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once
in my life, I just wanna look normal.
But you're better than normal, you're
abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't
care what other people think.
You're right! I'll start by not caring
what you think! I'm getting the surgery.
Wonderful. And while you're under the
knife, you could also get an ink pouch
to help you escape your enemies.
That's the stupidest idea I've ever
heard you imbecile!
[He raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays
ink at his face and runs off, whooping.]
[Taco Bellevue Hospital. There is a sign outside that says "Normal,
Healthy Baby? Super-Size It For 49c!" Inside, the Planet Express
staff and Adlai stand around Leela's bed. The entire top half
of Leela head is covered with bandages.]
Now we'll find out if the operation
was a success. Hold on to your hats.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient.
[He scribbles on a new pupil with a marker pen.]
Leela, those eyes look so great on you.
Bah! I think she looked fine before.
[Leela looks at herself in a mirror.]
Wow, look at me. Although I don't have
the hang of blinking yet.
You'll get it. Personally, I try not
to blink too much because it seems flashy.
But when I do, I enjoy it.
[She tries again and succeeds this time. She gasps.]
I did it! I blunk!
And just in time to screw up this picture
[He shows her a photo of her blinking.]
[Montage Scene. Leela gets accustomed to her new life to Roy
Orbison's Pretty Woman. She carries a box marked "Leela's Monocles"
through the front door of her apartment building at drops it
in the bin. Later, she comes out of the Eye Robot wearing two
pairs of sunglasses, a pair of binoculars and carrying a pair
of theatre specs. She walks past Mom's sons and winks at them.
They stop and bump into each other.]
[Amy shows Leela how to apply eyeliner. She puts it across her
eyes first and watches Leela try. Leela smears it all the way
across her brow. Amy shakes her head, licks her finger, and rubs
it off in the middle. Leela smiles. On the street, Leela bumps
into Kirk. She takes his hand and feels her face with it. He
groans with disappointment.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy and Fry are sat
on the couch.]
I've never felt so unremarkable! Today
I actually blended in with a crowd!
[She laughs. Bender walks in with the kids.]
Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with.
(chanting) Hello, jerkbags!
Oh, they're so cute! What are their
Kids have names?
My name's Nina, and his name's Albert
And from now on, you're all named Bender
Jr.! Looky here! My first government
stipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200
[Sally, a girl with an ear on her face, tugs Bender's arm.]
Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
What is it with you kids? Every other
day, it's food, food, food! Oh, fine.
I'll get you some stupid food.
Can we have Bender burgers again?
No. The cat shelter's on to me!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry scrubs one of the landing feet and
Leela welds something along the ships side. Adlai comes in wearing
a grey Hawaiian shirt.]
Hello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor
getting one of my Hawaiian shirts toned
down, so I thought I'd drop in for your
That's so handsome of you.
Just follow the light with your eyes.
Perfect! You know, a guy could fall
head-over-heels for a gal like you.
As for me, I'm somewhat interested
What are you saying?
I've never been good with words, which
is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum.
Will you go out with me this Sunday?
I don't know what else to say, so I'll
just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.
This is so unfair! I liked you back
when you were a cyclops! That guy's
only interested now that you have two
You're just jealous!
No, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my
point remains valid!
Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal
man, who if you go somewhere with him
no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve
that once in life.
[Zoidberg holds her arm.]
Be careful with Adlai, Leela, he's a
doctor, they're very poor.
Actually, most doctors are rich.
What? When did this happen? You're joking,
right? That's not funny!
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender takes the kids in.]
OK, they've got everything you need
here: Booze, a couple of peanuts, they
got a crapper in the back -- that's
one of the things you kids do, right?
Then knock yourself out. Hey! Hey!
Only eat enough to barely keep yourselves
alive! I'm trying to make a profit here.
[He sits on a stool and reads a newspaper.]
Daddy! Bethany's hitting me!
[He hands her a blernsball bat and she runs off with it, laughing.
A fembot sits next to Bender.]
These kids yours?
Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility!
That's me, baby! Let me just ditch the
kids in an alley and we can go have
[A boy taps Bender.]
Son, daddy's trying to score with a
cheap floozy right now, so we need you
to cram a Tinkertoy in it!
I love you, Daddy Bender!
[He hugs him. The other kids start hugging him too.]
Hey, what the hell are you doing? Quit
I guess you're busy. I'll catch you
You morons! I don't know what you're
trying to pull here but I got half a
mind to hug each and every one of you
and see how you like it!
(grumbling) Oh, come on!
[Adlai's Car. He drives Leela away from the city.]
I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary
-- a place no one could object to.
That sounds wonderful.
[Outside Municipal Arboretum. Adlai opens the gate and lets Leela
through. On the fence is a sign that reads "Yes, We Have Looking
[Municipal Arboretum. A couple stop by an Altairean Bouquet Tree.]
I'd like and extra-beautiful bouquet
for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.
[The tree hands the man some flowers and he hands them to the
woman. They walk away and Leela and Adlai arrive.]
[The tree hands him a bunch and he hands them to Leela. She smells
Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time
today. No one's stared at me or avoided
staring at me or tried to burn me. You
make me feel so not weird.
Leela, you're 999,999 in a million!
[She smiles and they lean in to kiss. Adlai pecks her on the
lips and she freezes for a moment then smiles weakly.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Adlai and the Planet Express staff sit
around a table, though Bender is not with them.]
Thanks for coming out to get to know
my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?
[He eats a cracker.]
Uh, listen: I just want you all to know
your Leela's one standard lady.
Oh, Adlai, stop!
What's so wonderful about Leela being
normal? The rest of us aren't normal
and that's what makes us great. Like
Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who
smells like he eats garbage and does.
And the professor's a senile, amoral
crackpot. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Tally me banana.
Amy's a klutz from Mars.
[Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]
And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna
be like us? Or do you wanna be like
Adlai with no severe mental or social
That's the dumbest question I ever heard!
No doubt about it.
[Bender runs through the restaurant carrying a high chair.]
Coming through, watch your heads!
[He wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him.]
Help! I'm under attack!
[He sprays the others with ink. Bender is sat with the kids at
Remember your manners, kids. Forks go
in the left pocket, spoons in the right.
[Elzar arrives with a plate of food.]
Which one of you cutie muffins gets
the children's spicy squab?
[A little boy comes out of Bender's chest door.]
Ah-ah-ah! What do we say when someone
gives you something?
[The boy turns to Elzar.]
That's my boy!
[He closes the door on him.]
And here's your check. Bam!
[Bender looks at it and gasps. Albert taps his arm.]
I gotta go poopy!
Well you should've gone poopy before
it was time to run out on the check!
C'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen!
[They leg it.]
(shouting) You little crooks! If I catch
you I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo!
[They run past the other table and Bender laughs as they run
through the door.]
You know, seeing that strange robot
force 12 children to do his bidding
makes me think about kids of our own.
Us? Me? You? Kids?
That's correct. It's time to stop living
this vida bachelor loca, settle down
and have kids.
Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful
moment of my life!
[Zoidberg woops and sprays her with ink.]
[Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The room has six bunk beds in it.
The kids run around screaming and laughing and bouncing on the
mattresses. Fry and Bender play poker. Albert jumps on Bender.]
Daddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride.
Daddy's tired. Let's just have another
dog pile on Fry.
[The kids dive on Fry.]
Tell us a story, Daddy Bender.
(chanting) Story! Story! Story!
Alright, fine, gather round.
[The kids cheer.]
We wanna hear this one again!
[She hands him something and he opens it and clears his throat.]
(reading) "Bender's Arrest Record" by
the police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender
was caught shoplifting!
Yeah, show us the picture! There he
OK, kids. It's 9:00, you know what that
means. Daddy's sick of looking at you
so go to bed. The grown-ups have to
talk. Come on, Ma.
[He and Fry leave.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. On the door is a newspaper
clipping with a photo of Fry on it. The headline reads "Primitive
Human Found In Cryo-Tube". Bender slides the door shut.]
Now to figure out how much money I'm
raking in off those twerps! Oh, I need
You are a calculator.
I mean a good calculator. Minus the
food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper --
I'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're
There goes my new kitchen cabinets.
I'm not sitting through one more PTA
meeting. The kids have got to go!
[The little boys opens Bender's door.]
Daddy, how do I flush you?
(shouting) Just go to bed!
[The boy climbs out and runs off. Bender pushes his antenna down
and flushes himself.]
[Adlai's Lounge. He and Leela sit at a table doing a jigsaw.]
You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of
a pacifier factory makes me want to
have children with you all the more.
Adlai, I was thinking. Since we're both
orphans, maybe we should adopt a child.
Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck,
it's more than acceptable. It's adequately
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Adlai opens Fry and Bender's
door and he and Leela go in. There is a sign above the door that
says "Honest Bender's Stolen Car Parts Boutique" and scribbled
below it "And Orphanarium".]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. The kids are up again and running
around. Bender is on the phone.]
Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've
got a herd of you-know-whats for sale...Let
me check. Oh, aren't you a cutie?
About 35lbs. What?!
[Fry points and Bender panics and hangs up.]
Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child.
[Bender stands up.]
Well, you've come to the right place
because Honest Bender's Orphanarium
means discount orphans. Now, little
lady. What do I have to do to send you
home with 12 orphans today?
Uh, I'm afraid we only want one.
Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you
what I got in stock.
[He walks into the kids' room.]
I remember this from when we were kids:
The warden would trot you out in front
of prospective parents and they'd judge
you like a piece of meat.
[The kids are lined up. Albert steps forward.]
Kind of fatty.
[Bender pushes Nina forward.]
Then how about this little number? Pure-bred
human. No vampire in there.
If you're strapped for cash, you might
wanna consider this irregular unit.
Cursed with a third ear but so full
of that emotion that I understand is
One time, I did a hundred jump ropes.
Oh, I can't decide. We're gonna have
to think about it.
OK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk, time
But it's 10 in the morning!
I said hit the hay!
[The kids run.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The kids get into bed and
Bender flicks the light off.]
Oh, they're all so adorable.
Yeah. You know, it's times like this
I can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight,
you princes of Maine, you kings of New
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. The police break down the door.]
You're under arrest for child cruelty,
child endangerment, depriving children
of food, selling children as food and
misrepresenting the weight of livestock.
[Time Lapse. Smitty slaps the cuffs on Bender and the other police
lead Fry and the kids out.]
[Prison Cells. Smitty locks Fry, Bender and the kids in a cell.]
Officer, would it be alright if we adopted
one of the kids?
Might as well. They're just gonna rot
in the evidence locker.
[He and URL leave. The kids laugh and point at Sally.]
Hey, freaky ears!
How's you ear?
I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her.
[She points at Sally.]
Her? But there's plenty of normal ones.
Come on, Adlai. She could really use
a mom and dad.
(chanting) Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally
won the ugly race!
On the other hand, the children bring
up a good point. She does have an ear
on her face.
Well? So what? She may be different
but she still deserves a good home.
Oh, alright. If you really want that
one, I can give her an operation to
make her acceptable.
She doesn't need an operation! She's
fine the way she is!
Oh, and I suppose you were fine the
way you were?
Damn right I was!
Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud
to be different. And I just wished I'd
realised that when I was her age.
I also have a tail!
Now take me to the hospital and put
my eye back the way it was. Right now!
Why should I do that?
[Leela slams him against the bars.]
Listen, buddy. By the end of the day,
one of us is going to have one eye.
[Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. People are
crowded around the front door as Vogel makes a speech.]
In recognition of Bender's generous
gift of 12 orphans and a government
cheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby
rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez
[The crowd cheers and Vogel shakes Bender's hand. Leela's eye
is back to how it was before.]
It's good to have the old weird-looking
Aww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess
there's nothing wrong with being a little
Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
[The kids say goodbye to Bender.]
We'll miss you, Daddy Bender.
We know robots don't have emotions but
we drawed you this picture!
[She shows him a crude picture of him and the kids.]
So if you ever miss us, even just a
teeny bit, you can look at it.
[Bender takes the picture.]
Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane.
Sheesh! Hey, what the? Get away! Come
on! I just got all the gum off of there!
Hey! Hey! (shouting) I hate you! I hate