FUTURAMA
Episode 508
"THE WHY OF FRY"
By
David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Dancing Space Potatoes? You Bet!]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg is sitting in a bathtub
while Amy is sat at the table reading a book called Martians
Are From Mars, Venusians Are From Venus. Enter Fry wearing a
spacesuit.]
FRY
Delivery boy Philip J. Fry reporting
for duty.
ZOIDBERG
Dr Zoidberg, soaking in brine.
[He relaxes and blows brine through his blowhole. It splatters
on Amy who barely reacts.]
FRY
What is the meaning of this? We've got
a delivery people, let's move, let's
move! Amy? Mission profile? Interesting,
interesting. Dr Zoidberg, mission bag?
ZOIDBERG
Packed and ready sir.
[Fry takes the brown bag from him. Fry takes something out.]
FRY
What's this? This is the same toy surprise
I got last time! I can't work under
these conditions. And without me there
is no mission. I am the mission!
[The ship lands behind him and Bender and Leela walk out.]
LEELA (SHOUTING)
We're back from the mission!
FRY
Wh-what? You went without me?
BENDER (SHOUTING)
You were looking up curse words in the
dictionary. It seemed like a better
use of your time.
FRY
But, but I'm the delivery boy.
LEELA
Don't worry, everything went fine.
BENDER
Better than usual!
LEELA
We got medals! Good work team! We really
pulled together on this one.
BENDER
Woo-hoo!
[He and Leela bump each other. Fry looks on sadly.]
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Leela blow dries her hair and Bender
brushes his eyes with a toothbrush. Fry sits on the bench sadly.]
FRY
I'm real sorry I missed the mission.
I wasn't there and you might have needed
me.
BENDER
Nope.
FRY
But if I'd been there I -
BENDER
Nope.
FRY
L -
BENDER
Nope.
FRY
Bender's great.
BENDER
Nope! Ohh!
FRY
Listen Leela, let me make it up by taking
you out to dinner tonight.
LEELA
Nope. I've got a date with Chaz.
FRY
Chaz?
LEELA
I met him at that charity cock fight
last week. He's the mayor's aide.
BENDER
Ooo, you go mutant girl!
[He whips her with his towel.]
LEELA
I do go! He's a very important man.
FRY
So? I'm just as important as him. It's
just that, the kind of importance I
have, it doesn't matter if I...don't
do it.
[He slopes over sadly. Bender hangs his towel over him.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit on the couch. Fry
sighs and strokes Nibbler.]
FRY
I'm nobody. There are guys in the background
with Mary Worth comics who are more
important than me.
BENDER
Ah, buck up meatloaf. Bender'll take
you out tonight and cheer you up. What
do you wanna do? And I mean anything.
You have the power! Name it an I'm there,
you the man!
FRY
Um, OK. Let's go bowling.
BENDER
Nah.
[He puts his feet up and turns the TV on.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine Entrance. Enter Leela and her date Chaz.
Enter Elzar.]
ELZAR
Table for two? Step right this way.
CHAZ
I'm afraid we don't have a reservation
but uh, as you can see......I'm the
mayor's aide. Table for two please.
[Elzar stares, confused.]
ELZAR
OK then.
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine Restaurant. Elzar seats Chaz and
Leela. Two chef's run out from the kitchen chasing a cockroach.
It runs onto a table and Elzar whacks it with a piece of bread.]
ELZAR
Bam!
CHAZ
It's OK my man. I got you covered on
your next health inspection.
ELZAR
I really appreciate that mister mayor's
aide. Here you go, compliments of the
house.
LEELA
Wow, free bread at a restaurant? Is
there anything you can't do?
CHAZ
I can't fail the mayor, not ever.
[Leela sighs, lovestruck.]
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry sits at a table, lonely. He sees Leela
and Chaz walk in.]
FRY
Oh jeez, better not let Leela see me.
LEELA
Hey, I hear Fry. Boy am I glad you're
here!
FRY
You are? So things aren't working out
with whatshisname?
LEELA
Actually...they are! Confidentially,
I might not make it back to my apartment
tonight! Could you walk Nibbler for
me?
[She hands him her key.]
FRY
Um..uh...
LEELA
And bring a baggy in case he drops a
steamer. (shouting) Have a great night!
[Street. Fry walks down the empty street with Nibbler. Nibbler
spies a lamppost and starts sniffing around it.]
FRY
Oh no, please, no! Perfect!
[Fry puts the bag over his hand and tries to lift the dark matter.
He struggles. Smitty and URL approach him.]
SMITTY
Whoa, smells like a 289 in progress!
URL
Failure to scoop, aw yeah!
[He prints off a ticket.]
FRY
Wait, I'm trying. It weighs as much
as a thousand suns!
[He struggles with it some more. URL hands him the ticket. Chaz's
car pulls up beside them.]
CHAZ
Don't worry Fry, I'll pull some strings.
See if I can't get you tried as a juvenile!
LEELA
Oh Chaz!
[She hugs him and they drive off. Fry sighs.]
[Alley.]
FRY
I'm as worthless as this trashcan.
[He kicks it over and sits down against a wall.]
TRASHCAN
You think I'm as worthless as you? Try
catching garbage in your head and raising
six kids you dumb townie!
[It rolls away. Garbage falls on Fry from a chute above him.]
FRY
Oh Nibbler, at least I'm important to
you. Even if it's only 'cause I clean
up you poop.
NIBBLER
The poop eradication is but one aspect
of your importance.
[Fry nods then realises Nibbler has just spoken. He screams.]
FRY
D-d-did you just talk?
NIBBLER
Indeed. And I have other amazing powers
as well.
FRY
Like what?
[He punches Fry and knocks him unconcious.]
[Time Lapse. Nibbler pulls his spaceship out from its hideaway
and drags the still unconcious Fry into it. He comes around.]
FRY
Are you my mommy?
NIBBLER
Negative.
[He closes the roof and takes off.]
[Planet Eternium. Nibbler lands his ship outside the Hall Of
Eternity.]
[Cut to: Hall Of Eternity.]
FIONA
Welcome Lord Nibbler.
NIBBLER
Welcome acknowledged. I bring with me...the
Mighty One.
[Fry wipes his nose on his sleeve.]
FRY
Eh?
KEN
At last, our centuries upon centuries
of waiting have achieved fruition.
FRY
Aww, aren't you a fuzzy wittle guy?
[He tickles Ken and he purrs.]
KEN
Stop that! Uh...please. Your mightiness
-
FRY
Mightiness? Are you off your nut? I
just got kidnapped by a bunch of guineapigs.
[The Nibblonians gasp and chatter.]
KEN
Does he not know?
NIBBLER
He does not know.
FIONA
He knows not?
NIBBLER
Knows not does he.
NIBBLONIAN
Not he knows?
KEN
Enough! Fry, it is my duty to inform
you that the fate of humanity, the fate
of our race, indeed the fate of all
that exists and all that will exist
rests with you. You are the single most
important person in the universe.
FRY
Oh snap!
[Time Lapse.]
NIBBLER
On this auspicious occasion, let the
Hall Of Eternity cut a thunderous blast.
[A Nibblonian feebly blows a trumpet. The floor opens and animals
on plates rise up in front of the Nibblonians.]
FIONA
The Feast Of A Thousand Beasts is begun.
[They tuck in. Fry leaves his zebra.]
NIBBLONIAN
You gonna eat that?
FRY
Maybe later.
[The table sinks back into the floor.]
[Time Lapse.]
KEN
The time has come to discuss matters
of the gravest importance.
[He pushes a button and images of the Brainspawn from The Day
The Earth Stood Stupid appear on a screen.]
NIBBLER
Fry, do you remember some months ago
when the Earth was attacked by flying
brains?
FRY
Hmm, I remember the square dancing stomachs,
although that might have been a milanta
commerical. Wait! The brains! I do remember!
But no one else does. They said I was
crazy.
KEN
On the contrary. You remember beause
you were the only one immune to the
brain's mental attack.
FRY
Because I'm so smart?
[The Nibblonians laugh.]
KEN
Oh my. Anyway, your immunity is due
to the fact that you lack the delta
brainwave. It's a genetic abnormality
which resulted when you went back in
time and performed certain actions which
made you your own grandfather.
FRY
I did do the nasty in the pasty!
NIBBLER
Verily. And that past nastification
is what shields you from the brains.
You are the last hope of the universe.
FRY
So I really am important? How I feel
when I'm drunk is correct?
KEN
Yes. Except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't
rock.
[Nibblonian Spacecraft.]
KEN
For a thousand years, the evil brains
have been constructing the giant Infosphere,
a giant memory bank twice the size of
three ordinary memory banks.
FRY
What's so evil about that?
FIONA
They plan to collect all the information
in the universe and store it in the
sphere.
FRY
So they're trying to learn things?
FIONA
Right.
FRY
Those bastards!
NIBBLER
Being brains, they feel compelled to
know everything. And soon they will.
FRY
I'm as mad as I've ever been.
KEN
Once their task is complete, they will
ensure no new information arises in
the only way possible: by destroying
the universe.
FRY
Now it's personal.
FIONA
Your mission is to infiltrate the Infosphere
and plant this quantum-interphase bomb,
blasting them into an alternate universe,
from which there is no return.
NIBBLER
Then outrun the blast on this Scooty-Puff
Jr.
[He winds the key in the back of the Scooty-Puff Jr. Fiona attaches
the bomb to Fry's spacesuit.]
FRY
OK, let's go through this once more
-
[The Nibblonians open the airlock and Fry is blown out into space.
Fry screams. He rides the Scooty-Puff Jr towards the Infosphere.
A swarm of brainsspawn fly past him and one hits him on the head.]
FRY
Aah! Brains!
[Ken appears on Fry's arm communicator.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
Fear not Mighty One, your missing brainwave
makes you invisible to them. So long
as you avoid intense thinking.
FRY
Sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.
KEN [ON SCREEN]
That is most wise.
FRY
Who?
[Cut to: Outside Infosphere.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
In a few seconds the brains will finish
scanning the last bits of information
in the universe.
[Brains float past a data port and it scans their information.]
[The scanning ends and the Infosphere initiates a self-scan.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
Now the Infosphere will open it's protective
crust so as to scan itself, completing
it's thousand year task.
[The Infosphere opens and a scanner comes out. It slowing begins
to rotate around the Infosphere, scanning as it goes and making
a noise like a connecting modem.]
FIONA [ON SCREEN]
This is your one chance to enter the
sphere! Scoot! Scoot now!
[Fry scoots through the Infosphere's crust.]
[Cut to: Infosphere. The place is swarming with brains and in
the centre of the sphere is a huge master brain. Fry scoots towards
it and crashes into it. He climbs to the top where there is a
computer console.]
FRY
I'm at the input console. I'm a little
nervous and I've got brain in my buttcrack.
NIBBLER [ON SCREEN]
Roger.
[Fry attaches the bomb to the console.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
Once you press the detonator, you will
have 60 seconds for an exciting escape.
[Fry is about to push the button but hesitates.]
FRY
Hey wait, this brain knows everything
about everything right?
KEN [ON SCREEN]
It will soon. That's why you're supposed
to be setting off a bomb.
FRY
Yeah yeah, but I can't pass up a chance
to learn the answers to the greatest
questions of all time. Is it true that
post-it stamp glue is made up of -
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
Correct. Toad mucus.
[On the console screen is a video clip of a postman squeezing
a toad so it's mucus drips into a bucket.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
There's no time for this. Activate the
bomb.
FRY
Wait wait wait. What really killed
the dinosaurs?
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
Me!
[On the screen is a video clips of the brain flying over the
dinosaurs and killing them. A message appears on the screen and
a computer voice speaks.]
COMPUTER VOICE
Unauthorised Data Access.
[An alarm goes off and brains surround Fry. Fry screams and starts
to wind his Scooty-Puff Jr. It falls apart in his hands.]
FRY
Uh oh.
GIANT BRAIN
Detecting trace amounts of mental activity.
Possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon
viewer.
[The brains zap Fry.]
FRY
Eww gross. Cut it out!
BRAIN #1
Odd. He is immune to our sionic attack.
BRAIN #2
Impossible. We're an ambitious young
squad with everything to prove.
GIANT BRAIN
It appears we are in the presence of
the fabled one. But without his Scooty-Puff
Jr, he cannot escape. Huh?
BRAIN #2
A quantum-interphase bomb? Are you insane
in the membrane?
FRY
You got it poindexter!
[He activates the bomb.]
BRAIN #1
Oh, not good!
COMPUTER VOICE
Detonation in T-60 Earth seconds.
BRAIN #3
You fool. You'll be transported to the
other universe with us. Trapped there
for all eternity.
BRAIN #1
And we'll form a tightly-knit clique,
that you won't be part of!
FRY
Well at least I did one important thing
with my life. Leading good to victory
over evil!
[The Nibblonians cheer.]
KEN [ON SCREEN]
Exactly!
GIANT BRAIN
The Nibblonians? Good? During your last
moments in this universe perhaps you
should query our database concerning
the night of December 31st 1999.
FRY
The day I got frozen? What about it?
NIBBLER [ON SCREEN]
No! Don't ask about that! It, it would
be uh...boring!
FRY
Eh forget it then.
GIANT BRAIN
Query!
FRY
OK sheesh! What happened to me, Philip
J. Fry, on the night of December 31st
1999?
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
Clarification request. Are you the Philip
J. Fry from Earth or the Philip J. Fry
from Hovering Squidworld 97A?
GIANT BRAIN
Earth you fat idiot! Hurry up!
[On the console's screen Fry walks into the cryogenics lab.]
FRY [ON SCREEN]
Hello? Pizza delivery for uh...I. C.
Wiener? Aw crud!
FRY
Eurgh! I can't believe how fat I look!
Aw, Nibbler's there. Wait! What?!
[On the screen Nibbler blows Fry's tilting chair. Fry begins
to lose his balance and the chair tips back. Fry rolls back into
the cryo-freezer.]
FRY [ON SCREEN]
What the?
[He panics. The cryo-freezer freezes him in a flash.]
FRY
I, I don't understand. You made me go
in the freezer tube?
COMPUTER VOICE
Detonation in T-15 seconds.
FRY
You little runts froze me! You took
away my life!
NIBBLER [ON SCREEN]
We can explain!
FRY
No you can't. Shut your adorable trap!
NIBBLER [ON SCREEN]
We had no choice. You were the only
one who could help us. What is one life
weighed against the entire universe?
FRY (CRYING)
But it was my life.
COMPUTER VOICE
Detonation in 2, 1. Will the owner of
a white Pontiac Firebird...oh nevermind.
Zero!
[Cut to: Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere
is sucked into the alternate universe.]
[Cut to: Infosphere. It reappears in the alternate universe.]
GIANT BRAIN
Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.
BRAIN #2
We could sing American Pie.
FRY
Go ahead. I deserve it. I wish those
stupid racoons had never brought me
to the future.
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
I have shocking data relevant to this
conversation.
GIANT BRAIN
We don't care you dope! We're in another
universe, you're not in charge anymore.
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
It is possible for the Philip Fry to
resume his life on December 31st 1999.
FRY
Really? I can go back in time?
[An image appears on the console.]
INFOSPHERE BRAIN
There is a nexus point between universes,
at the space-time you entered the cryogenic
tube. You and only you can return there.
GIANT BRAIN
Interesting. You could stop the Nibblonian
from pushing you into the cryogenic
tube.
FRY
That is interesting. Why?
GIANT BRAIN
It would be as if you never came to
the future. You will have your life
back and we will suceed in our plan
to understand and destroy the universe.
FRY
Everybody wins!
BRAIN #2
The human will be returned to the past!
[Outside Rocket Skating Rink.]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile...
LEELA
I love rocket skating! But the wait
is always so long. Fry once stood in
line for six hours just to get me a
ticket.
CHAZ
Six hours? Pfft. Sounds like a real
nobody! But now it's time for somebody
and some chick he's with to go skating.
[He shows Leela a sign. Closed For Private Function. She gasps.]
[Cut to: Rocket Skating Rink.]
LEELA
You reserved the whole rink?
CHAZ
Yup. Buzzed ahead, let 'em know who's
aide was coming by. The mayor's, that's
who's.
LEELA
Oh Chaz!
[She kisses him.]
[Time Lapse. Leela and Chaz are now skating around the rink.
The kids from the Cookieville Orphanarium look on sadly.]
SALLY
Mr Vogel. I thought we was going skating.
VOGEL
No. We're not important enough. Everybody
just hold hands until the bus driver
gets back from his haircut.
[Leela notices the orphans.]
LEELA
Aww, let's let those kids skate with
us.
CHAZ
What? Seriously? I'm trying to impress
you with my cloud here.!
LEELA
I know, and it's working. But think
how much skating would mean to those
kids.
ORPHAN
We came here instead of eating today.
LEELA
This may be their only chance to skate
in their whole lives. Who are we to
say they can't?
CHAZ
The mayor's aide, and his badge! (shouting)
Beat it kids! Come back when you got
connections.
[The kids look away sadly.]
VOGEL
Alright kids. Back to the Orphanarium.
You can slide around the gym in your
socks.
SALLY
What socks?
CHAZ
So am I gonna get lucky tonight or what?
[Leela snatches his badge away from him and stuffs it down his
throat.]
[Infosphere. The Infosphere Brain types something into to the
console. It holds Fry in place.]
FRY
I hope your calculations are correct.
GIANT BRAIN
Our calculations are always correct.
For we are gigantic brains.
BRAIN #2
Initiate space-time transfer.
[The Infosphere throws a switch and the console zaps Fry and
makes him go all spliggly. He disappears.]
[Old New York: December 31st 1999. In a telephone box Nibbler
makes a phonecall to Panucci's Pizza.]
NIBBLER
I hereby place and order for one cheese
pizza.
PANUCCI [ON PHONE]
One pie, nothing good on it. Name?
NIBBLER
I-period C-period Wiener.
PANUCCI [ON PHONE]
Uh, talk a little louder. It's sounds
like you got some kind of tiny head
on you or something.
[Cryogenics Lab. Nibbler paces around under the desk. Enter Fry.]
PAST FRY
Hellooo? Pizza delivery for uh, Icy
Wiener? Wiener? Aw crud.
[Behind Nibbler, in the corner of the desk Future Fry appears
and grabs him.]
FUTURE FRY
Gotcha!
[Nibbler squeals.]
NIBBLER
I don't understand.
FUTURE FRY
Yes you do! You came back in time to
knock me into that freezer. Now I came
back in time to stop you.
NIBBLER
I did not come back in time. My people
lack that ability.
FUTURE FRY
But, I know you in the future. I cleaned
your poop.
NIBBLER
Quite possible. We live long and are
celebrated poopers. You will meet me
when I'm a thousand years older.
FUTURE FRY
Not if you don't freeze me.
[Past Fry sits down on the chair and puts his feet up on the
desk.]
NIBBLER
Please. Our saviours foresee that in
a thousand years, at one moment, the
fate of the universe will depend on
you. Since you will not live that long
I must freeze you now.
FUTURE FRY
Well, why couldn't you just ask me?
NIBBLER
We were afraid you would refuse.
FUTURE FRY
Of course not, I love the future.
NIBBLER (CHOKING)
Then why are you choking me right now?
FUTURE FRY
Because I don't like being used.
NIBBLER
Well now it's your choice. Is there
nothing in the future worth saving?
FUTURE FRY
Leela. But she doesn't think much of
me.
NIBBLER
Ah, she must be the other.
FUTURE FRY
Wha?
[Past Fry's chair starts to tumble back. Future Fry holds the
leg.]
NIBBLER
You must not give up on her. I am stationed
on a distant world known as Vergon 6.
But if you return to the future I will
transfer to Earth to give you what help
I can.
[Outside, the countdown to the millenium begins.]
FUTURE FRY
You really think I would have had a
chance with Leela?
NIBBLER
You must choose. The present or the
future? To save yourself? Or to save
Leela?
[The countdown reaches 1. Past Fry leans back on his chair and
blows his party blower. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry
tumbles back into the cryotube which freezes him.]
FUTURE FRY
Yes! Here I come future! Oh no! Wait!
I'm gonna get trapped in the Infosphere
again! Just remember that Scooty-Puff
Jr sucks...
[He fades away into nothingness.]
NIBBLER
In a thousand years I'll get right on
it.
[Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere is
sucked into an alternate universe.]
NARRATOR
And so, a thousand years later Fry once
again infiltrated the Infosphere and
set off his amazing bomb. Only this
time...
[Fry speeds away from the Infosphere on his huge Scooty-Puff
Sr.]
[Alley. Nibbler's ship lands and Fry and Nibbler climb out.]
NIBBLER
Thank you for saving the universe Fry.
Here.
FRY
Whoa, thanks! If you ever need a saviour
again, just ask.
NIBBLER
Oh we will. We will.
[He shuts his ship away and puts his leash on.]
FRY
Man, I can't wait to tell everyone what
happened.
NIBBLER
Uh yes. Incidentally I need to remain
undercover so I'm blanking your memory.
[His third eye flashes like the memory stick from Men In Black
and Fry looks dazed.]
FRY
Huh. Did everything just taste purple
for a second? Oh well. Let's go home
you dumb poop machine.
[Nibbler chatters.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela holds up a photo of her and Chaz.]
LEELA
Bender, would you do the honours?
BENDER
With gusto.
[He scorches a hole in the photo. Leela looks at it satisfied.
Chaz's head has been burnt away. Enter Fry. His head appears
in the hole.]
FRY
Hey Leela. I guess I got this for you.
[He hands her the flower.]
LEELA
Oh. Thank you. You know what Fry. I
don't care if you're not the most important
person in the universe. It really makes
me happy to see you right now.
FRY
Then I am the most important person
in the universe.
[She kisses him.]
THE END
FRY (OVER CREDITS)
Yes!
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