FUTURAMA
Episode 511
"THREE HUNDRED BIG BOYS"
By
Eric Kaplan
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Voted "Best."]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew watch a television news
program.]
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]
This week in the universe... Dateline
Turantulon 6: The brave warriors of
Earth under the command of General Major
Weeblo Zapp Brannigan have achieved
victory over the spider homeworld.
And to the victor belong the spoils
- one trillion dollars in silken treasure.
[Zapp strokes a silk suit.]
ZAPP [ON TV]
Mmm!
[The scene changes to Nixon outside a building making an announcement.]
NIXON [ON TV]
My fellow Earthicans. After meeting
with top voodoo economists, I have decided
to refund our silk surplus to you, the
taxpayers. That's right! I've sent you
each 300 buckeroos in the form of a
tricky dick fun bill. Knock yourselves
out!
[The programs ends and the crew cheer.]
AMY
I'm slightly richer!
BENDER
What to do what to do? One $300 hookerbot
or 300 $1 hookerbots?
LEELA
I'm going to swim with the whale! They're
the gentle giants of the deep.
FARNSWORTH
I'm well aware of that.
SCRUFFY
Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them
$300 haircuts. This ones lost it's pizazz!
ZOIDBERG
A fortune it is! At last, Zoidberg will
live like a rich man!
[He kisses the $300. Nixon squirms on it.]
NIXON [ON BILL]
Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away from
me!
AMY
Shmeesh! It's just 300 bucks, what is
that, like a hundred cups of coffee?
FRY
That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups
of coffee! Starting now. Coffee machine,
one cup of coffee please.
[He puts the $300 into the machine and it takes $3 off, leaving
him with $297.]
NIXON [ON BILL]
Smells good!
[Fry takes a sip of the coffee. His first. Zapp appears on the
screen.]
ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
Leela? Are you there?
LEELA
No.
ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
Oh yes you are! I'm hereby inviting
you and your oddball co-workers to a
special reception to display the national
silk surplus. I believe you know the
heroic space stallion who captured it.
Show them my medal Kif.
[Kif points at a medal on Zapp's chest.]
KIF [ON SCREEN]
He rented it with his tax refund.
ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
So Leela, will you have the pleasure.
LEELA
What little there is to be had.
ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
Tomorrow night at eight them. Smoochies!
[He kisses the screen.]
[Street. People wander around enjoying their $300. The 99c Store
changes it's name to 299.99c Store and a crack addict wanders
out of an alley kissing his money.]
CRACK ADDICT
No cheap crack houses for me no more!
[Cut to: Outside Crack Mansion. The crack addict hands a man
his $300.]
MAN
Very good sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's
crack pipe?
[Above the crack mansion a peddle-plane flies over.]
[Cut to: Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif are riding it. Kif is struggling.]
AMY
Oh Kif, it was so romantic of you to
rent this peddle plane with your tax
rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds
wafting on the breeze.
KIF (GASPING)
Yes...seeds...wafting.
AMY
I almost feel kinda shallow for blowing
my rebate on this cool talking tattoo!
TATTOO
Hey Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as
this whole crummy date!
AMY
Shut up! Ow!
[Geneworks. Farnsworth talks to a woman at a desk.]
FARNSWORTH
As a man it has become too much of a
chore for me to clean out my wrinkles
each day. Is it true that stem cells
may fight the aging process?
GENEWORKS WOMAN
Well yes, in the same way an infant
may fight Muhammed Ali! But -
FARNSWORTH
One pound of stem cells please.
[He slaps his $300 on the desk and the woman gives him a tub
of stem cells.]
GENEWORKS WOMAN
Of course any age reversing effects
will be purely temporary.
[She gags and turns away as Farnsworth slaps the stem cell cream
on his face.]
[Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender peruses the fine merchandise
within. He looks at some Dutch Butts for $1.99 but is more excited
by the Royal Kooparillo for $300. He looks across at a cigar
in a glass case, Le Grand Cigar, $10,000.]
BENDER
Say buddy, why's this grand cigar so
pricy?
CLERK
Well, as you can see, it's wrapper is
a piece of the original US constitution.
It was hand rolled by Queen Elizabeth
during her wild years and was buried
with George Burns until graverobbing
space mushrooms - uh, well you know
the rest.
BENDER
Give me 300 bucks worth!
CLERK
No can do.
BENDER
Oh alright, I'll just take these $300
burglars tools then.
CLERK
Very good sir.
BENDER
So uh, what time d'you close tonight?
[Outside The Conrads' House. Dwight sits on the steps and smiles
as Hermes arrives with a box behind his back.]
DWIGHT
Hey pops! Did that tax rebate come?
HERMES
Came and went! You're now the proud
owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots! With
a warning label this big you know they
gotta be fun!
DWIGHT
But pops, I don't wanna have fun, I
wanna be like you. Boring but prudently
invested.
HERMES
Babylon's bells! I tallyed almost 300
bananas on this entertainment product.
Now you put 'em on and have fun!
DWIGHT (SHOUTING)
I don't wanna.
HERMES
Well then I'm gonna put 'em on and make
you watch me have fun! See? Fun! Fun!
Dwight! Help me!
DWIGHT
I'll save you pops!
[He climbs the bamboo and hangs on to Hermes' feet. Hermes starts
to lose his balance and he stumbles down the road still wearing
the boots. Cars swerves to avoid him and honk their horns.]
[Outside Geneworks. Farnsworth comes out of the building looking
younger. He sees a group of younger people standing around a
car listening to loud music.]
FARNSWORTH
Hey! Turn that damn music......up!
[Hermes and Dwight stumble past on the bamboo boots.]
HERMES
Isn't this fun?
DWIGHT
No! I wish I had two mommies!
[They walks past a jewellery shop called Diamonds Are Forever.]
[Diamonds Are Forever. Randy hands a cushion with jewellery on
it to Zoidberg.]
RANDY
Try these, um, sir.
[Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself
in the mirror.]
ZOIDBERG
I ask for rich guy stuff and you give
me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu!
[He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]
RANDY
Ow!
[Zoidberg looks scared, woops and scuttles out.]
[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is at a stand next to a
whale tank.]
LEELA
I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu please.
WHALE BIOLOGIST
Well you asked the right guy! I'm the
whale biologist! Though personally I
hate whales. (whispering) Espeically
Mushu.
LEELA
Then why'd you become a whale biologist?
WHALE BIOLOGIST
I don't know you well enough to get
into that. $300 please. Noon tomorrow.
If you're late you only get to tread
water in the scallop tank.
[Leela takes her pass and leaves.]
[Cut to: Brooklyn Aquarium: Starfishbucks Coffee. Fry waits in
line for a cup of coffee.]
FRY
Uh, I'll have a coffee.
MAN
Guppy, trout, mermaid or -
FRY
Whale please.
[The man pours the coffee and Fry drinks it.]
[Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif fly over the Aquarium.]
KIF (GASPING)
Amy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate
on a gift for you.
AMY
Oh Kiffie!
[She opens the box. It is a watch with two faces.]
KIF
It shows the time wherever we both are.
And it's powered by love! Also you have
to wind it.
TATTOO
Ohh! Somebody won big at Skeeball!
AMY
You shut up! I love it Kif. I'll use
it whenever I wanna know what time it
is. Ooo! It's Fry and Leela! (shouting)
Hi Fry and Leela!
[The paddle plane lurches forward and starts falling. Kif screams.]
KIF
Oh! Keep peddling! Oh for the love of
God keep peddling!
[Cut to: Fry and Leela. Leela screams and Fry gurgles his coffee.]
[Cut to: Peddle Plane. They get closer and closer to the ground.
The plane turns the right way right at the last minute and swoops
over people's heads. They scream. The peddle plane flies over
Mushu's tank. Kif wipes his brow and breathes a sigh of relief.
Amy leans over backwards again and waves.]
AMY (SHOUTING)
Bye Fry and Leela!
[The peddle plane tilts sideways and the watch starts to slide
of the front of it. Kif panics. The watch slips off and he sighs.
Mushu leaps up out of the water and eats the watch. The crowd
applauds.]
TATTOO
Oh I can't wait until the tattoos on
Amy's butt hear about this!
BUTT TATTOOS
Hear about what? Tell us!
[A horse tattoo neighs.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Kif cries.]
AMY
Don't feel sad my little tadpole.
KIF (CRYING)
I'm trying not to. But my gift to you
is in the belly of a whale.
ZOIDBERG
Say, this reminds me of that time I
ate that other watch Kif gave you!
AMY
Hey, it is kinda like that!
ZOIDBERG
To induce vomitting, that was the solution!
Everywhere it went! What a Valentine's
Day that was!
[Leela looks at her Mushu pass.]
LEELA
Hmm, this may seem like a huge coincidence
but I happen to have it in with that
whale!
SCRUFFY
Scruffy's formulated a plan. But you'll
need a ready source of nausiatin' rotten
fish.
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. In the restaurant Fry, Leela, Kif and
Amy sit around a table with a huge fish in the middle. Enter
Elzar.]
ELZAR
Freshen your coffee sir?
FRY
Yeah yeah yeah keep it comin' put the
pot down get away!
[He drinks the coffee. His 31st cup. Leela gets up and goes somewhere.
Elsewhere in the restaurant Farnsworth is having dinner with
the woman from earlier.]
WOMAN
You're so young in spirit! Its hard
to believe you're as old as 25.
FARNSWORTH
The key is to grab life by the hojos!
Live every day like it might be your
last!
ELZAR
What'll it be kids?
FARNSWORTH
One bowl of mild verena.
[Cut to: Elzar's Kitchen. Enter Leela. She opens the fresh fish
freezer door and looks inside.]
LEELA
Pay dirt! Heyya!
[Cut to: Restaurant. Leela casually strolls out of the kitchen
whistling. And sits down. Elzar serves food to Zoidberg.]
ELZAR
Here you go big spender: Foie gras and
caviar!
[Zoidberg sniffs the food.]
ZOIDBERG
Goose liver? Fish eggs? Pah! Where's
the goose? Where's the fish?
ELZAR
Hey, that's what rich people eat. The
garbage parts of the food.
ZOIDBERG
I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't
cost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell
good sir!
[He leaves with a very upper-class scuttle and woop.]
[Outside Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. On the roof Bender shines
a torch onto a grate. He cuts it open and starts to lower himself
through it.]
[Cut to: Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender lowers himself
from the roof a la Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible and stops
just above the case containing the $10,000 cigar. He gets a diamond
out of his chest cavity and cuts through the glass with it then
throws the diamond in the bin. He reaches in and takes out the
cigar.]
BENDER
Le Grand Cigar! She's mine! And with
absolutely no consequences!
[He evily cackles and raises himself out of the room. In the
corner a security camera watches him. The signal goes along a
wire, down a dark tunnel, through the sewers where El Chupanibre
terrorises the leg mutant, up a pole and through a dark hole.]
[Cut to: Police Station. Smitty watches what's going on on URL's
chest.]
SMITTY
You see that?
URL
Grand theft tobacco. Sounds like we
should get off our fat cop asses and
ride!
[The siren comes out of his head.]
[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The next morning Hermes and Dwight
are still walking around on the bamboo boots but now they are
asleep. Elzar comes out the back door of the restaurant with
a crate of fish.]
ELZAR
Pee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten
to even make jambolaya!
[He pours the fish into a dumpster and leaves. The dumpster lid
swings open and Leela and Amy climb out with the fish in a net.]
AMY (WHISPERING)
So far so good. Where's Kif?
[Behind them Kif groans as he is dragged along inside the net.]
[Guadalajara Brown Drip Gourment Coffee. Fry is jittery as he
has an early morning cup of coffee. He drinks his 51st cup.]
FRY (SHOUTING)
This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulowesi! And
the cup's shaking I don't want my coffee
shaking!
BENDER
You seem a tad wound up buddy. And your
face is greasy! Real greasy. You been
up all night?
FRY
Of course I've been up all night! Not
because of caffine it was insomnia I
couldn't stop thinking about coffee
I need a nap. Coffee time!
[He gulps down his 52nd cup. Bender gets out his cigar and sniffs
it.]
BENDER
Ah! Mighty fine smokable!
FRY
Fancy cigar why don't you smoke it already?
Puff puff go go go go go!
BENDER
Nah, you can't blow smoke from such
a majestic stogy in just anyone's face.
I'm saving it for the fancy pants at
Zapp Brannigan's black tie reception.
You comin'?
[Fry nods jitterily.]
[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is kitted out in a swimming
costume and flippers. The rotten fish is packed into her costume.]
WHALE BIOLOGIST
And the fifth reason whales kill is
for the sheer fun of it.
LEELA
Anything else?
WHALE BIOLOGIST
Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful.
Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm
a whale biologist.
[Leela turns to the tank.]
LEELA
OK Mushu, its feeding time! Oh crud,
he ate my suit!
WHALE BIOLOGIST
The suit was ugly - whale biologist!
[Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]
CADDY
Perhaps if you tightened your grip sir?
ZOIDBERG
Ah. Thank you golf slave! Bah! Rich
pople wouldn't waste their time on this
nonsense! Plus, these eggs are gritty
and tasteless!
[He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half
club.]
[Cut to: Picnic Site. Farnsworth and the woman are kissing. One
of Zoidberg's balls hits Farnsworth on the head.]
FARNSWORTH
Ow! Not so rough!
[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. The show has started and the
stands are full of people. Kif, Amy and Bender are already there.
Leela arrives wrapped in the Please Do Not Feed The Whale sign
and gives the thumbs up. The orphans sit in front of them.]
WHALE BIOLOGIST
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu!
The educated whale who thinks he's better
than you!
[The crowd cheers.]
AMY
C'mon Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!
WHALE BIOLOGIST
And now ignorant whale lovers, we'll
see who's boss as I make Mushu jump
through this hoop. Jump Mushu! Who
wants a fish?
[Mushu throws up and the crowd gasps.]
LITTLE ORPHAN
Mushu is sick!
[Smity and URL stand aghast as Bender sneaks out behind them.]
URL
It just keep comin' and comin'!
KIF
Wait, that chunk, its the watch! I
got it Amy! I got it! The plan went
off without a -
WHALE BIOLOGIST
He's got Aquarium property! Stop him!
URL
Better do what he says. He's a whale
biologist!
[He lifts Kif out of the water.]
SMITTY
You're under arrest you squishy punk!
[Smitty puts the cuffs on Kif and he drops the watch. He sighs.
Mushu sicks up Leela's swimming costume.]
[Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Two people walk inside. Two
hobos try to follow them but a forcefield stops them and the
fall over.]
[Cut to: Silk Surplus Reception. Zapp tells his story to Mom
and her sons and Mayor Poopenmeyer.]
ZAPP
The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like
on the battlefield, are masters of the
textile arts. Taste like king crab by
the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this
tapestry of my heroic conquest while
I was still killing them!
[Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]
ZOIDBERG
What? It's not even scratch and sniff?
But if rich people think it's good,
I'll buy it! One art please!
[Mom laughs.]
MOM
What a clever impersonation of a stupid
poor person! How much is that placemat
actually worth Brannigan?
ZAPP
Exactly $1 billion!
MOM
Now that's walkin' around money!
[She blows her nose on her $300.]
NIXON [ON BILL]
What? Hey! Wait! Arooo!
[Zoidberg looks on sadly. Over on the other side of the room
an even jitterier Fry just about manages to pour himself another
cup of coffee. He drinks his 99th cup. Bender "enjoys" a conversation
with Judge Whitey.]
WHITEY
So I said to Kitty "The only way to
keep the butler from running away is
to cut off his foot!" Yes, it reminds
me of a joke I heard about upper-middle
class people.
[Bender blows smoke in his face and he coughs. Elsewhere Amy
and Scruffy talk.]
AMY (CRYING)
I've never been sad at a party before.
I wonder if my mind is thinking about
Kif being in jail.
SCRUFFY
Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria
in the terlet! Course its shank or beshanked.
AMY (CRYING)
Of course.
[Commander Riker Prison. Kif paces around in his cell still covered
in the whale sick.]
WHALE BIOLOGIST
Look, just give back the property and
we'll drop the charges.
KIF
Fine, have the watch. It's broken anyway.
[He throws the watch but a forcefield stops it from going through
the bars and it bounces back and hits him on the head.]
WHALE BIOLOGIST
I don't want your watch. You're covered
in precious ambergris.
KIF
Precious ambergris?
[The whale biologist sighs and presses a button on his belt.
A holographic image of Roseanne appears.]
HOLO-ROSEANNE
Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product
of the sperm whale's digestive tract
that is used as a base in the finest
perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your
guide to the world of facts.
[The holo-encyclopedia shuts off.]
WHALE BIOLOGIST
You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless
ambergris and I'll let you go!
KIF
Or better yet I'll simply shed my skin!
[He struggles as he takes it off.]
[Silk Surplus Reception. Morbo's wife fiddles with his bow tie.]
MORBO
Stop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will
destroy you!
[Bender walks past and blows smoke in their faces. They cough.
Underneath a giant spider dress Farnsworth and his girlfriend
make out. A bell tolls.]
FARNSWORTH
Wha? Uh, gotta go, uh fight club!
[He runs out from underneath the dress and covers his face. His
girlfriend follows.]
WOMAN
What's happening Hubie?
FARNSWORTH
I'm afraid the face you fell in love
with was actually just a blob of living
gunk I bought with my tax refund.
[The stem cells slide away.]
WOMAN
Well as long as we're being honest,
I also spent my tax refund on a crazy
treatment.
[She pulls a plug out of her belly button and she swells up.
She is really a huge fat woman.]
FARNSWORTH
That certainly is honest.
WOMAN
It better for us both to just be ourselves.
You, wrinkled as a prune.
FARNSWORTH
You, fat as the Queen of Seacows.
WOMAN
I love you!
[They kiss and she falls on him.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh my!
[On the other side of the room Leela is now talking to Whitey
and Kif is reunited with Amy.]
KIF
So you see the putrid waxy substance
I was coated with was -
AMY
Not precious ambergris?
KIF
Yes! And I managed to sneak some out
in a usual place! Ta-da! Using that,
I'll make you a perfume of lilac and
jasmine and frankenberry!
AMY
Oh Kif, it's so romantic I can't even
wait! I'm gonna wear it right now!
[She puts some on. Her tattoo splutters. Everyone else chokes
at he stench.]
MOM
Who smells like freaking porpus hork?
AMY
I do! Kiss me Kif!
[They kiss. Zoidberg slinks out sadly.]
[Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Zoidberg walks out through
the fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]
ZOIDBERG (CRYING)
Oh what a foolish squid I've been. I'm
not rich! I can't even buy one measley
masterpiece!
[He cries. The hobos approach him.]
HOBO #1
Pardon us gent. Might a couple of hungry
hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminium
snack box?
[Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]
ZOIDBERG
So now I'm in the gutter? Surrounded
by bums who eat garbage. Money brought
me no happiness. Bupkiss!
HOBO #2
Ooo this boot's got a little pudding
at the bottom!
[He licks it off.]
[Silk Surplus Reception. Bender and Leela talk to Ben Beeler.]
BEELER
Interestingly, the Spiderians are more
closely related to our elephants than
our spiders.
[Bender blows smoke inhis face and he coughs. Bender chuckles
then gasps as Hermes and Dwight enter via the window, still walking
around on the bamboo boots.]
HERMES (SHOUTING)
Don't mind us!
[The start to go off balance and one of the bamboo legs knocks
Bender's cigar out of his hand. It spins through the air and
sets fire to the tapestry. Other things catch on fire too.]
NIXON
The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!
ZAPP
Leela! My precious rock tub! I'll save
you!
[He runs towards her but gets caught in a Spiderian web.]
KIF
Everyone! To the fire door!
LEELA
It's on fire!
FARNSWORTH
We're trapped my sweet hippopotamus!
[Amid the chaos Fry still finds time for a drink.]
FRY
Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee
coffee coffee coffee coffee!
[He drinks the rest of the jug and his heartbeat rapidly increases.
It's his hundredth cup. He enters a slowed down bullet-time world
à la The Matrix. He gazes around the room. A champagne cork slowly
shoots out the top of a bottle. Outside, a hummingbird's wings
beat slowly à la the hummingbird in Star Trek: Insurrection.
Fry blows out the fire that has engulfed Leela's shoe, picks
her up and carries her away. Hermes and Dwight are in mid-fall.
Fry picks them up, throws them over his shoulder and carries
them out. He carries a few more people out. Kif is slowly blowing
out the fire on Bender's burning arm. Fry squeezes his cheeks
and the flames go away. He puts Bender, Kif and Amy onto the
sofa with everyone else and wheels it out into the alley through
the fire door. He picks up a fire extinguisher and quickly puts
out the flames.]
[Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Everyone looks around,
wondering where they are.]
DWIGHT
Where are we pops?
WOMAN
What happened to the food?
LEELA
I think we were saved by a mysterious
orange blur.
ZOIDBERG
Welcome one and all. I finally figured
out how money could make me happy! By
using it to buy my hungry friends a
feast!
[Behind him the hobos cheer.]
HOBO #2
Everyone join us. Oysters rockafeller
here has provided genuine turkey dogs!
WHITEY
Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy
a free turkey dog!
[The rich people cheer.]
WOMAN
I'll take four!
LEELA
Me too!
MOM
Oh what the hell!
[Everyone sits down and eats. Zoidberg puts a pack of Gobble
Wieners on a barbecue.]
HERMES
Here Dwight, $299 and 99 cents. You
invest this penny like you want it.
DWIGHT
Thanks Dad. I'm gonna take this and
buy five shares of amazon.com!
HERMES
A risk taker? That's my boy!
[Poopenmeyer walks out of the building carrying Nixon's head.]
NIXON
The entire surplus has gone! What a
muguvern I've been! Why did I have to
issue that crooked tax rebate?
LEELA
At least we got a few mildly interesting
stories out of it.
FARNSWORTH
Oh my yes!
BENDER
Speaking of which, my story kinda peetered
out without me learning a lesson!
[He laughs. Enter Smitty and URL.]
SMITTY
There he is!
[Bender panics. They grab him and bash him with their lightsabers.]
BENDER
All right! Closure!
THE END
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