FUTURAMA
Episode 314
"TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPING"
By
Ken Keeler
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: For Proper Viewing, Take Red Pill
Now.]
[Central Park Lake. People enjoy themselves on the lake, sunbathing,
barbecuing and fishing. The Planet Express crew are there. Hermes
throws a frisbee.]
HERMES
Go get it, boy!
[Zoidberg runs after it, catches it and eats it. Leela eats a
sandwich and Fry kneels in front of her.]
FRY
So, Leela, how about a romantic ride
in one of those swan boats? They're
kinda dangerous but I finally mastered
them.
LEELA
Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.
FRY
Oh. That explains these boat eggs.
[He holds up some eggs. A shadow creeps over him and he gasps.
It's a flying saucer. Crowds flee, screaming, as it lands by
the lake.]
FARNSWORTH
Wha?
[A screaming man runs past Amy, who is sunbathing topless, is
briefly distracted by her, then carries on screaming. Amy sees
the flying saucer and screams. A ramp comes down from the ship
and a door opens. Nine basketball players walk out, dribbling
basketballs. The leader, a guy with an afro, steps forward.]
TATE
Pitiful ballplayers of Earth, I am Ethan
"Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem
Globetrotters. For generations, your
puny planet has lived in peace with
the Globetrotter Homeworld. But now,
for no reason, we challenge you to defend
your honour on the basketball court.
Will no one meet our challenge? Have
none of you pathetic Earthlings game?
FRY
(shouting) What happens if we lose?
TATE
Nothing. There's nothing at stake and
no threat - beyond the shame of defeat!
[A player passes him a basketball with Earth on it and he drops
it into a bin. People gasp and Zoidberg holds Hermes back.]
FARNSWORTH
This will not stand! I'll take you
on, you air-balling bozos.
TATE
You, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively
at him.
[Another player laughs.]
FARNSWORTH
I may be an old man - in fact, I'm fairly
sure I am - but I'll put you Globetrotters
in your place with my team of mutant
atomic supermen!
[The crowd cheers.]
HERMES
Hooray, professor!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has gathered the
staff in front of a big curtain.]
FARNSWORTH
Behold: My mutant atomic supermen.
[He draws back the curtain to reveal five little men in nappies
in a hamster cage.]
LEELA
They're only a foot high, professor.
FARNSWORTH
Well, they're still young. Mere atomic
super boys, really. We'll need to speed
up their growth with time particles
called Chronitons.
BENDER
Aren't those the particles that destroyed
an entire civilisation -
FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone. You're off to the
Tempest Nebula to gather Chronitons.
[Tempest Nebula. Fry, Leela and Bender are tethered to the ship
and holding jars. Fry and Bender wear space suits. Leela plucks
a particle from the nebula and hole starts to burn away where
the particle was. She puts it in the jar. Bender lets them glide
into his mouth, then he spits them into a jar.]
FRY
Hey, Leela. Look at me!
[He takes the valve out of his helmet and his head inflates.
He puts it back in and it shrinks to normal size. He coughs.]
LEELA
Your face can take a lot of punishment.
That's good to know.
FRY
There's a lot about my face you don't
know. Perhaps you and it could get better
acquainted over dinner.
LEELA
Alright, cool your jets, hotshot.
FRY
C'mon, Leela, why won't you go out with
me? We both know there's something there.
LEELA
No, I mean cool your jets. They're melting
Bender's face.
[Fry turns around and sees his jets turning Bender red-hot.]
BENDER
(shouting) Ow! Oh my God! Ow!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew return from the nebula.
Leela holds a huge bottle of the particles.]
LEELA
Here you go. Hot off the nebula.
FARNSWORTH
None too soon. While you were gone the
Trotters held a news conference to announce
that I was a jive sucker. Behold! My
invincible nuclear mutants.
AMY
Hi!
ARACHNEON
Hello!
[Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers around the basketball court
are packed. Marv Albert commentates.]
ALBERT
Marv Albert here at Madison Cube Garden
where the Harlem Globerotters take on
a squad of atomic supermen in what promises
to be a by-the-numbers athletic contest
with no surprises whatsoever. Here's
the tip-off. Globetrotter ball. Sweet
Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives
down-court - and Curly Joe from the
rear.
[Curly Joe grabs the five-armed mutant's ass. Zoidberg laughs.]
ZOIDBERG
That one grabbed his behindus!
LEELA
Shh!
HERMES
Quiet!
TATE
Who dares laugh at the Jesters of Dunk?
We came to terrify and humiliate you
- not tickle your funnybones. Watch
as I embarrass your civilisation by
passing the ball to Curly Joe. Only
to have it remain in my hands with elastic.
And perhaps this will wipe the smiles
from your faces.
[He passes to another player and he throws it to the net.]
ALBERT
Goose goes up... Rejected! Growtrium
from half-court. Yes!
[The crowd cheers.]
[Time Lapse.]
ALBERT
Supermen lead 45-42. Arachneon with
the steal, to Thorias. Thorias from
downtown! Yes! He's really showing
us what a man with a cannon in his chest
can do!
FARNSWORTH
No showboarding, you atomic hotdog!
[He weakly throws a chair and a buzzer buzzes.]
ALBERT
And that's the half, with the Supermen
up 48-42. Surprisingly dull, so far.
Bubblegum, the Trotters are down by
six. Reactions?
TATE
It was always our plan to trail at the
half. Thus deepening Earth's eventual
humiliation. Also: What game were the
refs watching?
[Time Lapse. The referee throws the ball up. Curly Joe sits on
the scoreboard with the ball, just out of reach of Growtrium.
He laughs.]
ALBERT
Curly Joe, easily amused by his own
antics......continues to wreak havoc
on -
[Everything flashes and the players suddenly change position.
The ball is now spinning on Tate's finger.]
FARNSWORTH
What the? Did everything just jump
around? Or did my brain just stroke
off there for a second?
ALBERT
Ladies and gentlemen, something very
strange has just happened in this basketball
game between space clowns and atomic
monsters.
[Tate shrugs and throws the ball. The laser-eyed mutant shoots
a laser beam at the ball in it bursts into flames. Everything
jumps around again and the five-armed mutant finds himself flying
through the air. He hits the back board and lands on the hoop.
The crowd groans.]
FARNSWORTH
Time-out! Time-out!
[The referee blows the whistle.]
FRY
What's happening?
[Bender shakes.]
FARNSWORTH
We seem to be lurching forward randomly
in time, like a needle skipping on a
record player.
AMY
What's causing it? Is it my outfit?
FARNSWORTH
No. It must have something to do with
those time particles I used to grow
the Supermen. Time and space are ripping
apart at the seams.
[The Supermen gasp. Thorias releases the ball from his cannon
and it hits Arachneon and splats him.]
THORIAS
Oops.
FARNSWORTH
Oh, great. Now, on top of everything,
we need a new fifth man.
FRY
Ooh, ooh, ooh, put me in, professor.
I wanna show Leela my skills.
FARNSWORTH
Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
FRY
Who cares? We're 35 points ahead with
two minutes left. What could possibly
-
[Time skips. Fry is standing in the middle of the court holding
the ball. The crowd boos as Tate takes the ball and scores. The
game ends.]
ALBERT
Globetrotters win, 244-86. A dark day
for humanity, folks. We have been beaten...in
basketball.
[The Globetrotters cheer and taunt Earth.]
CURLY JOE
Yeah, that's ow we do it!
SWEET CLYDE
How's that?
TATE
You are all fools of the highest calibre.
[Everyone starts to leave.]
LEELA
I don't know what you did, Fry, but
once again you screwed up. Now all the
planets are gonna start cracking wise
about our mamas.
HERMES
I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't
alive to see this day.
FARNSWORTH
Enough about your promiscuous mother,
Hermes. We have bigger problems. This
time disruption is extremely serious.
TATE
Damn right, brother man. This chronological
wang-dang-doodle could destroy the very
matrix of reality.
FARNSWORTH
Tate? What do you know about this?
TATE
Not much, yet. But I am senior lecturer
of physics at Globetrotter U. And I
like to help you investigate.
FARNSWORTH
You're that Bubblegum Tate?
TATE
Well I sure ain't his grandma. Now look
here, prof......I think we got ourselves
an excess of Chronitons in the subatomic
interstices.
FARNSWORTH
Yes, I see. Something involving that
many big words could easily destabilise
time itself.
FRY
Is that a problem?
FARNSWORTH
Indeed so. At this rate, by Tuesday
it will be Thursday; By Wednesday, it
will be August and by Thursday, it will
be the end of existence as we know it.
MAN
I'll have to ask you to clear out now.
The circus need to set up for tomorrow's
big -
[Time skips and the Planet Express staff and the Globetrotters
find themselves in the middle of a circus. An elephant trumpets
and they scatter.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch a news report.]
LINDA
Time continues to skip forward randomly.
Details at 11.
[Time skips and it is already 11pm.]
LINDA
This is the news at 11. The mysterious
an unexplained -
[Time skips.]
LINDA
Turning to entertainment news, teen
singer Wendy might just be the latest
-
[Time skips.]
LINDA
...won three Grammys last night -
[Time skips. The picture of Wendy behind her has a "2984 - 3002"
caption below it.]
LINDA
...found dead in her bathtub.
[Farnsworth turns the TV off.]
FARNSWORTH
Interesting. It's as if we behave normally
during the time skips, but then we have
no memory of it.
FRY
You mean we just -
[Time skips.]
FARNSWORTH
...my, yes. Ooh, just like that. Any
luck Bubblegum?
[In the corner of the room, Tate is wearing a lab coat and doing
some equations on a board.]
TATE
Not yet. Listen, I hope you don't mind
if I dribble a little while I work.
FARNSWORTH
Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.
[He wipes his mouth on his sleeve.]
BENDER
Ooh, ohh, Bubblegum? My name's Bender
and I'm a huge fan of your work, both
on and off the court. Can I be a Globetrotter?
TATE
Shut up, turkey.
[Bender sighs. Farnsworth swings something around.]
FARNSWORTH
Bubblegum, look at this. The background
time radiation is fluctuating wildly.
[The needle on the time flux meter wobbles back and forth.]
TATE
Good Lord. That sucker's shaking around
like some fine, imported booty.
HERMES
Say, I'm no physicist, but I think I
know how to stop the skipping. We'll
just -
[Time skips. Hermes is wearing a funky shirt and playing a steel
drum while the others have formed a nude conga line.]
HERMES
I don't know how this was supposed to
work.
AMY
Professor, I hope you find out what's
wrong before we skip right past my birth
-
[Time skips. The lounge has streamers and balloons and banners
around it in celebration of Amy's birthday. There is a cake on
the coffee table and presents around it.]
ALL
Happy birthday, Amy.
AMY
Hooray, look at all these presents!
ZOIDBERG
I hope we all have as much tomorrow
at my birth -
[Time skips. Zoidberg sits alone in the empty lounge. There is
a tiny cupcake on the table with a candle in it. He looks around.]
ZOIDBERG
What?
[He sighs.]
[Planet Express: Corridor. Fry peeps around a door and attracts
Leela's attention.]
FRY
Psst, Leela. I've set up a time-proof
shelter in the closet. There's only
room for two, and you're the one I wanna
share it with.
LEELA
Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see.
[Cut to: Closet. Leela looks inside. There is a mattress in the
corner, candles, a black light and a bottle of champagne in a
bucket of ice.]
LEELA
How exactly will this protect us from
time jumps?
FRY
(sexfully) Because when we're together
in here, baby, time will stand still.
[Time skips. Fry has a black eye and Leela has gone.]
FRY
Ow.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg looks over a chess board.]
ZOIDBERG
Hmm. Hmm.
[He picks up a piece and eats it. Enter Leela.]
LEELA
Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about
Fry?
ZOIDBERG
Leela, I would be honoured.
[He moves aside on the couch for her.]
[Time skips. Leela is sat down and Zoidberg is watching TV, ignoring
her.]
LEELA
...Does the worst W.C. Fields imitation
I've ever seen. Zoidberg!
ZOIDBERG
Sorry, you must have been boring me.
[He turns the TV off.]
LEELA
The thing is, Fry is very sweet. But
he's so immature. I love his boyish
charm but I hate his childishness.
ZOIDBERG
So he's not perfect. You don't wanna
end up old and lonely like Zoidberg!
You were saying?
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth sniffs around with the smellescope.
Tate and Bender are with him.]
FARNSWORTH
Ah, there is it. The Tempest Nebula.
Take a whiff through the smellescope.
[Tate puts his spinning ball on Farnsworth's head where it carries
on spinning. He sniffs and recoils.]
TATE
What's that funky jazz?
FARNSWORTH
The odour of pure time leaking. When
my crew removed the Chronitons, it destabilised
the nebula, causing time skips throughout
the universe.
BENDER
Ooh, let Bubblegum tell it.
[Tate walks over to a basket of basketballs.]
TATE
Pretend these basketballs are time particles,
my silver honky. As the nebula bounce-passes
them off us......they cause these dents,
or "time skips".
BENDER
You are so smart!
[Tate looks at a map.]
TATE
Hold up. What if we were to move this
cluster of starts to these algebraic
co-ordinates?
FARNSWORTH
Their gravity might just divert the
Chronitons to the empty side of the
universe.
TATE
Yeah. But is it possible? Moving stars
would require one bad-ass gravity pump.
And we'd need all the money on Earth
to -
[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth find themselves in the oval
office. Tate is holding a bad-ass gravity pump proposal.]
TATE
What the?
FARNSWORTH
Wha?
[They pick up a cheque for all of Earth's money that has been
signed by Nixon's head.]
NIXON
Here's the funding for your gravity
pump. But it damn well better work!
We can't spend all of Earth's money
every day. Now, how long will it take
to build?
TATE
It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this
complex might take months or even -
[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth are in a large building.]
FARNSWORTH
Ah, there we are. One gravity pump.
Powerful enough to move the stars themselves.
Now to begin the arduous task of attaching
it to the ship so th -
[Time skips. Farnsworth is in the Planet Express hangar watching
the ship take off with the gravity pump attached to its roof.]
FARNSWORTH
Off you go - apparently.
[The gravity pump pushes a star forward with some blue stuff.]
TATE
(from ship) Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll
that star to the cosmic basket.
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
LEELA
Just a few...more...hundred...thousand...miles.
There!
[The ship moves the star into place next to over ten others which
have been placed around the nebula.]
TATE
(from ship) Nothing but nebula!
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela waves the time flux meter around.]
LEELA
We'll have to run some tests back on
Earth, but I think we've stopped the
time skips.
BENDER
Alright!
TATE
Jamming!
FRY
Hooray for Leela!
BENDER
And what better way to celebrate our
success than by me showing Bubblegum
the Globetrotter uniform I made myself!
TATE
Let me see. Hello, lawsuit!
FRY
Leela, I want you to know I think the
way you moved those stars around was
really wonderful. I got you something.
[He opens a bottle of champagne and pours it into two glasses.
Leela gasps.]
LEELA
Moderately-priced, domestic, non-vintage
champagne? How did you know?
FRY
You deserve it. I mean, nobody ever
stops to tell you what a great captain
you are.
LEELA
Aww, that is so true and sweet.
FRY
You're smart, you're beautiful, and
best of all, you'll go out with me-ee?
LEELA
Fry, please try to understand. You're
a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.
BENDER
Hey, Leela. Bubblegum might let me organise
a bake sale for the Globetrotter wives.
Can you teach me to make cupcakes?
LEELA
Alright, but I wanna lick the beaters.
[She and Bender leave. Fry sighs.]
FRY
I got her champagne, I opened it. What
does a guy have to do?
TATE
86 the chump stuff, F-man. It's time
to win Leela's heart with a big-showy,
three-point romantic gesture.
FRY
Hmm. Maybe this is the moment to show
her my real surprise.
[He sits in the pilot's chair and moves the ship into gear. Leela
walks in.]
LEELA
Fry, what are you doing?
TATE
Uh-oh. Time to boogie on down to the
sauna!
[He leaves and Fry presses some buttons.]
FRY
Look. I've been studying how to pilot
the ship. Impressed?
LEELA
Yeah, actually. You're doing OK. The
core reactor temperature's nominal,
the blinker's off.
FRY
I learned how to work the gravity pump
too. In case we need to move more stars.
So are we dating now?
[Leela groans.]
LEELA
Is that what this is all about? Please,
just cut it out now.
FRY
Look, Leela. I know there's some perfect,
amazing thing I can do to make you love
me, and when I figure out what it is
-
LEELA
Fry, stop. I don't wanna hurt you, but
there is absolutely, positively no way
that you and I will ever, ever -
[Time skips. Leela is wearing a wedding dress and Fry is wearing
a tuxedo. They are in the Temple of Robotology.]
PREACHERBOT
...Man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[Fry grins and kisses her. The other Planet Express crew and
Tate throw confetti. Marv Albert is on a seat.]
ALBERT
Yes!
[Time Lapse. The other Globetrotters and the remaining Supermen
are at the wedding too.]
AMY
Woo-hoo!
ZOIDBERG
He looks radiant!
[Time skips. Leela's bouquet is in Fry's mouth.]
FARNSWORTH
Ye Gods, Bubblegum, we failed. The time
skips haven't stopped at all.
TATE
Even in these formal shorts, I feel
like a failure.
LEELA
You tricked me into marrying you, didn't
you?
FRY
Of course not.
LEELA
How'd you do it? Drugs in the champagne?
Hypnosis?
FRY
No! Drugs are for losers and hypnosis
is for losers with big, weird eyebrows.
I don't know what amazing thing I did
you make you love me but, whatever it
was, we're married now. We've got the
rest of our lives to work -
[Time skips. Leela and Fry are standing before Judge Whitey in
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court.]
WHITEY
Divorce is final.
[He bangs his gavel.]
FRY
What?
LEELA
Well, let's divide up the china. I guess
I'll take the NFC helmets and you can
have the AFC helmets.
FRY
Fine. Break my heart again.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the conference table
and Amy, Hermes, Bender, Zoidberg and Tate are with him. Zoidberg
puts his claw on Fry.]
ZOIDBERG
Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You
lost the woman of your dreams, but you
still have Zoidberg. You all still have
Zoidberg.
FRY
How did I do it? How did I get Leela
to love me? I've got to figure it out.
HERMES
Maybe you're just a fantastic lover,
Fry.
AMY
Um, no.
FRY
I don't know what I'm doing.
BENDER
Maybe she'd come back to you if your
best friend Bender were a Globetrotter.
What do you say, Bubblegum?
TATE
Hell, no.
[Bender groans and Fry sighs.]
FRY
Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so
great that it won Leela's heart and
I'll never, ever know what it was. My
life is empty.
[He sniffs.]
ZOIDBERG
(sexfully) Zoidberg!
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Tate look over Tate's
equations.]
FARNSWORTH
No wonder we failed to stop the time
skips. Diverting Chronitons is mathematically
impossible. I knew I should have checked
your showboating Globetrotter algebra.
TATE
Man, I thought you knew that algebra
was all razzmatazz. A Globetrotter always
saves the good algebra for the final
minutes.
[Bender laughs.]
BENDER
Vintage Bubblegum.
FARNSWORTH
The time skips are worse than ever now.
Isolated spots are jumping by years
at a time. Look.
[They look through the window.]
[Cut to: Outside Social Security Office. Two kids watch an old
man walk out.]
KID
Stupid senior citizens. Why should we
have to pay for their social security
benefits?
[Time skips and the kids turn into old men.]
OLD MAN
I deserve free money!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic.]
FARNSWORTH
Well, I'm stumped. We'll have to call
in the finest scientific minds in the
univ -
[Time skips and the other Globetrotters appear behind them.]
FARNSWORTH
Perhaps we could explode the whole damned
nebula. What do you think, Curly Joe?
CURLY JOE
No, man. An explosion big enough to
destroy that mama would take out half
the universe.
SWEET CLYDE
You gotta Globetrotter that explosion
up a little, Farnsy. Make it an implosion.
FARNSWORTH
By God, Sweet Clyde is right. An implosion
might just form a black hole that would
stop more Chronitons from escaping.
TATE
Whoa. Slow that brain train down, prof.
We'd need some kind of doomsday device
to initiate an implosion like that.
FARNSWORTH
Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's
in Farnsworth's court. I suppose I
could part with one and still be feared.
TATE
Give me some skin, prof. I'm making
you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact,
everybody in this room's an honorary
Globetrotter.
AMY
Hooray!
HERMES
Yes!
ZOIDBERG
I'm a Globetrotter!
[Bender runs in.]
BENDER
(gasping) Did you just say -
TATE
Too late, hot plate.
BENDER
Oh, crap.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Two Globetrotters attach a doomsday
device to a mechanism and it rises into the ship's cargo bay.
The other Globetrotters shake hands with the Planet Express staff.]
TATE
We must leave now, for we are needed
elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.
[They leave, dribbling their balls. Bender stops Tate.]
BENDER
Please, please let me come with you.
I can make myself taller.
[He stretches his legs.]
TATE
Bender, you can talk trash, you can
handle the ball. But look in your heart
and ask yourself: Are you funky enough
to be a Globetrotter? Are you?
BENDER
Yes.
TATE
Are you?
BENDER
I mean, with time, my funk level could
-
TATE
Are you?
BENDER
(sadly) No.
TATE
Deal with it.
[He leaves and Bender returns to his normal size and begins to
cry.]
[The ship flies towards the nebula and Bender emerges from the
starboard torpedo tube holding the doomsday device. He is tethered
to the ship and wearing a jet pack. The tether jerks and Bender
lets go of the doomsday device.]
BENDER
Oh! No!
[He quickly grabs it again.]
LEELA
Careful with that doomsday device,
Bender.
BENDER
What does it matter? I'll never be a
Globetrotter. My life, and, by extension,
everyone else's, is meaningless.
LEELA
Roger.
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. She turns the radio off.]
FRY
Leela, about the wedding. I don't know
what I did to make you love me, and
I don't think I tricked you into it,
but maybe I did. And if I did, I'm sorry.
LEELA
It's OK, Fry. You know we'll always
be friends, right?
FRY
Yeah. But I don't guess anything I could
do will ever make you feel the same
way about me that I do about you.
LEELA
I guess not.
[She takes his hand, kisses him on the cheek and walks away.
Bender walks in, dusting his hands.]
BENDER
Well, the doomsday device is ready.
Maybe blasting this quadrant of space
into a hell storm of flaming nothingness
will cheer me up a little.
LEELA
OK. Let me just take the ship out to
a safe distance. Actually, I think
I'll go down and prep the detonator.
Fry, why don't you take the helm?
[Fry smiles and sits in the chair. She leaves.]
FRY
She's so great. I feel like I can almost
remember the magical thing I did to
make her love me. But I guess I never
will.
BENDER
Sorry, buddy. I too know what it's like
to have a dream I'll never achieve.
[He walks out, slowly whistling the Globetrotter tune. Fry presses
some buttons and the ship flies away from the nebula. He glances
out of the window and sees something.]
FRY
Oh! That's how I must have done it!
I moved the stars themselves to write
her a love note in the sky.
LEELA
Detonation in three, two, one.
FRY
(screaming) Nooo! Did you see it? Did
you see it?
BENDER
The explosion?
FRY
No, not the explosion!
LEELA
Then what?
[Fry thinks for a moment and lowers his head.]
FRY
(quietly) Nothing.
[Bender starts to whistle Sweet Georgia Brown again as Fry looks
back through the window at the black hole.]
THE END
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