"WAR IS THE H WORD"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Touch Eyes To Screen For Cheap Laser
[7^11. Bender looks in the beer fridges while Fry looks at the
gum and candy rack.]
Hm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum...ooh,
Big Pink! It's the only gum with the
breath-freshening power of ham.
And it pinkens your teeth while you
[The till clerk is dressed in a perspex box and is serving a
sergeant at the till.]
Alright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie
stix and porno mags with your 5% military
discount comes to $95. That'll be 40
I believe you're forgetting about our
5% military discount.
Well that's only for people in the military.
What?! This is the worst kind of discrimination.
The kind against me!
Alright, look. Our policy is, if for
any reason you're not completely satisfied,
I hate you.
[He presses a button and a conveyor belt takes Fry and Bender
through the doors onto the street.]
[Cut to: Outside 7^11. Bender's head falls off and rolls into
OK, now I'm mad.
[He screws it back on.]
Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt,
[Earth Army Recruiting Center. Over the decades, army recruitment
poster have changed. The one hanging outside the building has
the caption "Join The Army. What Are You, Chicken? Buk Buk Buk".
Inside, there is a line of people waiting to sign up. Hanging
on the wall is a banner showing the Earth Army's employee of
the month - in a coffin witht he Earth flag draped over it.]
Hello. We're here because we...uh...love
[He and Fry chuckle. The man pushes their papers towards them.]
Sign here on the dotted line, patriots.
Then I'll give you your discount cards.
Just out of curiosity, we could use
the cards to buy gum, then immediately
quit the army, right?
You know, playing you all for chumps?
Correct. There's no obligation. Unless,
of course, war were declared.
[A siren sounds and a red light flashes.]
War were declared.
[South Street Spaceport. Kif and Zapp check off the new recruits
as they board the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Farnsworth follow
Bender and Fry as they carry their bags towards the ship.]
Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill
anyone, make sure to eat their heart,
to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty
[He licks his lips.]
I don't want you to worry about your
jobs while you're away. That's why I'm
firing you now.
[He hands them their pink slips then turns away and starts to
I wanna enlist. My friends always die
if I'm not there to save them.
Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only
It's shameful, I agree. In the olden
days, I proudly fought alongside female
troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas,
after a series of deadly blunders caused
by distracting low-cut fatigues and
lots of harmless pinching, the army
decided women weren't fit for service.
Not when I'm in charge.
You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach
you a lesson.
If it's a lesson in love, watch out.
I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.
What do I call it, Kif?
[Time Lapse. The last soldiers board the ship, the boarding gangways
are removed and the ship takes off.]
[Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops.
The Earth flag hangs behind him.]
Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all
be fighting for your planet. Many of
you will be dying for your planet. A
few of you will be forced through a
fine mesh screen for your planet. They
will be the luckiest of all.
Great, we're gonna die.
And this ham gum is all bone.
[He spits it out.]
Now to present the logistics of our
mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please
welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth
President Richard M. Nixon.
[Kif sits Nixon's head in a jar on a stool.]
This is the brass ring, fellas......planet
It's a desolate, ugly little planet
with absolutely no natural resources
or strategic value. Questions?
Why is this godforsaken planet worth
Don't ask me, you're the one who's going
to be dying.
Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
A valid question. We know nothing about
their language, their history or what
they look like. But we can assume this:
They stand for everything we don't stand
for. Also, they told me you guys look
They look like dorks!
[He starts waving his fists around and Fry has to hold him back.]
[Nimbus Training Room. Zapp, Kif and Nixon watch the soldiers
training on gym equipment.]
[Time Lapse. The soldiers drop a little water onto some green
blobs and they inflate into tents. Fry swallows his and downs
a glass of water. The tent inflates in his mouth and he mumbles.]
What's the matter, private? Tent got
your tongue? (chuckling) Tent got your...
(talking) Kif, write that down and send
it to Humour In Uniform.
[Time Lapse. The soldiers learn to assemble their guns. Bender
quickly does his but attaches his arm to it as well. He sighs.]
[Time Lapse. Fry puts on a helmet that obscures his vision and
holds a lightsaber. Kif releases a probe and it buzzes around
Fry. Fry swings for it, misses a few times and chops it in half.
Sweets fall out of it and the other soldiers scoop them up off
the floor and eat them. Fry looks around in confusion.]
[Time Lapse. An exhausted Fry and Bender sit out the obstacle
course. The soldiers run past them, through the tyres, through
the tunnels, under the barbed wire and through the ring of fire.
Another soldier breaks away from the group and runs past Fry
Whoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy
Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.
[The soldier passes the finish line and Kif stops the stopwatch.]
That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
Yes. He edged out my old mark by two
seconds......and 16 minutes...and 12
hours. I do plan to finish someday,
Kif. Good hustle, soldier.
[He pats the soldier's bum and he turns around and slaps Zapp.
The soldier has purple hair, a purple beard and wears a visor
across his eyes. Shock, horror, it's actually Leela. Not that
(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, sorry,
sir. I was still in attack mode. You
know how testosterone is.
As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones,
I sure do. What's your name, private?
(disguised, deeper voice) Lee -- ..la...man.
La Man...Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.
Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a
man's man's man. More importantly, your
hand, while firm and masculine, is soft
as a velvet child. What lotion do you
(disguised, deeper voice) Pert and Popular,
Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of
Pert and Popular.
What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?
Squirt it on some homeless man with
dry elbows. Private Lee Lemon may well
be the finest recruit I've seen in all
my years of service. That young man
fills me with hope and some other emotions
that are weird and deeply confusing
[Nimbus Mess Hall. Zapp watches the soldier through some binoculars.
He looks at Leela, sitting at a table alone and zooms in.]
[Nixon is sat with Zapp at the table. Kif pours some wine into
Zapp's glass and then pours some into Nixon's jar. He slurps
Mmm. Now that's a nice rosť. So, anyway,
we open up the panda crate, wouldn't
you know it, the damn thing's dead!
Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story.
[Zapp isn't paying attention and is still looking through the
Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you
were talking about for you.
[Fry, Bender, soldier #1 and a hick carry their trays to Leela's
Mind if we sit with you?
(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, hey, why
the hell would I? We're all guys here.
Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
[They sit down.]
Good point...I guess.
You're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A
foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied
pile of ugly muscle.
So. Any you fellas got a special lady
Well, I sort of a have a thing for this
girl I work with.
Really? (disguised, deeper voice) What
type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese,
(disguised, deeper voice) Aw, she sounds
But sweet girls aren't for you, eh?
You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly,
ugly son of a --
(disguised, deeper voice) Stop! Stop
(shouting) Ten hut! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Lee Lemon. The flaming star
of Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh,
Lemon, do you like to read? I just got
a great book on tape. It's about life
in ancient Greece and --
[The alarm sounds and everyone runs off.]
(disguised, deeper voice) Sir, the alarm.
I think I'd better --
[Zapp puts his finger to her mouth.]
Shh. Don't talk. Just go.
[The Nimbus goes into orbit around Spheron 1.]
[Nimbus Briefing Room. The soldiers are in full battle uniform
and holding their guns.]
We are now in position above Spheron
1. This is the moment we were training
for all yesterday afternoon.
And now for the battle plan. As you
all know, the key to victory is the
element of surprise. Surprise!
[He presses a big red button and the floor beneath the soldier
[Cut to: Spheron One Surface. The Nimbus is a few metres off
the ground. The soldiers land in a heap on the ground. The floor
closes up again.]
[Time Lapse. The soldiers stand alone on the vast planet surface.
The ground is quite rocky and the sky is green.]
It's creepy here.
This is the worst part. The calm before
And then the battle's not so bad?
Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
[He whimpers. The ground begins to shake and there is a loud
Holy shoot! Looky!
[Thousands of pink balls bounce towards them.]
The enemy! They're balls!
[The balls knock several troops over. Other soldiers blast them
with their guns and they deflate like burst balloons. Fry's gun
splurts out red bursts that go nowhere.]
Charge your gun, Fry.
[He winds a handle on the side of his gun and it plays Pop Goes
The Weasel as it charges. A red pulse blasts out of the gun and
a horse neighs. Zapp is sat on the horse which is standing on
a hovering platform. Zapp is carrying a sword.]
Watch where you're shooting, private.
You spooked Felicity. There, there,
[More balls knock over more soldiers. Eight of them gang up on
soldier #1 and he groans in pain. Leela kicks them away and soldier
#1 quivers on the ground. He holds up a watch to Bender.]
(hoarse) Give this to my son.
You got it!
(hoarse) Wait. I didn't tell you where
Hey, I think your son might also like
[Time Lapse. The battle rages on. The soldiers charge their guns
and Pop Goes The Weasel plays over and over.]
Cover us, buddy. You've got the only
wounded-up positron shooter. Fry, you
[The balls knock over him, Bender and Leela. Four balls line
up behind a bomb. Another ball pushes the first four balls and,
like a Newton's Cradle, the bomb is pushed away. It rolls past
Fry and stops between Leela, Bender and the hick. They scream
and the fuse burns away. Bender crawls towards it.]
(shouting) Bender! No!
[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]
If they put me on a stamp, tell them
to use the young Bender.
[He covers the bomb, it explodes and his chassis expands.]
[DOOP Camp. The M*A*S*H theme tune plays. A helicopter lands
on a helipad.]
(on tannoy) Incoming wounded. All operating
personnel report to tent four, repeat,
four. I mean five! Repeat, four.
[Two medics carry soldier #1 from the helicopter on a stretcher.]
[Tent Four. Fry watches through the window. A jellyfish woman,
from the race from A Flight To Remember and The Lesser Of Two
Evils is a nurse.]
Are you ready to operate, doctor?
[The doctor washes his claws. Claws? It's Zoidberg!]
I'd love to, but first I have to perform
surgery. I kid, I kid!
[The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]
[Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor
operates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]
Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next
[The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached
to his left hand.]
Gee, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy
Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice
the training you do.
Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!
[He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]
See, this is how it starts. First with
he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
[iHawk laughs then turns a switch on his body from "irreverent"
When will the killing end?
[Cut to: Outside Tent 4. Fry is still outside. Zapp arrives,
still on his horse. Kif is standing beside the horse.]
Look at this sissy, Kif. While others
were fighting and dying pointlessly,
he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in
a pool of his own cowardice.
That wasn't cowardice.
I'm depromoting you, soldier. Kif, what's
the most humiliating job there is?
Being your assistant.
Wrong! Being your assistant! Private
Fry, you will henceforth serve as Kif's
That doesn't sound too bad.
(uncharacteristically nasty) You speak
when I tell you to, you filthy worm!
I'm afraid he's gone.
[He pulls the sheet over the hick.]
Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.
Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.
Believe it all you want, that won't
make it true. (mauldlin) This isn't
a war, it's a murder. (irreverent)
This isn't a war, it's a moider!
[The nurse wheels Bender in. His chassis is still mis-shapen
from the explosion.]
Bender, old buddy. Hang in there.
[The nurse hooks Bender up to a beer drip and he groans. Zapp
walks in with Nixon's head.]
Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen
since my mirror got grease on it. I
hereby order that in Bender's honour,
he be melted down and made into a statue
Slow down there, Starsky, I'm up to
something here. I want this robot fixed.
Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election.
Damn bean-eating war hero!
Are you read to operate, doctor?
I'd love to, but first I have to perform
That's my joke! I'll kill you!
[He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]
[Officers' Club. Zapp sits with Nixon and drinks a scotch as
the battle continues outside.]
Ah! Pre-war scotch! Welcome, Lieutenant
Bender. You're looking sharp.
I got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers.
[Kif brings Zapp another scotch.]
Damnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella?
That's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks!
Actually, sir --
[He groans as Zapp plants the glass firmly in the middle of his
Make me a new one.
[Kif signs and walks back to the bar where Fry is cleaning glasses
with a cloth.]
Use a brush, you dunderhead! And mix
these mixed nuts. I see two almonds
[Back at Zapp's table...]
Now, listen here, Bender. This war is
in danger of going all quagmire on me.
So I'm sending you on one last mission.
Hot diggidy daffodil!
A mission of peace.
You'll be negotiating with the aliens'
mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls.
They've got a lot of brains and they've
got a lot of cutzpa!
Accompanying you will be our top peace
negotiator, Henry Kissenger.
[Kif wheels in Kissenger's head in a jar.]
How are you?
Is he any good?
Looking like that, he talked his way
into Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said!
[Helicopter. Bender and Nixon's helicopter lifts off and flies
(singing) I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning.
Like a whirlpool it never ends.
[Kif scrubs Zapp's back with a brush.]
A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot
lower. Too low...! Lower!
[Kif sighs. Fry sings and scrubs Kif's back.]
(singing) I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh.
[He hums. Leela walks in wearing a bathrobe and her Lee Lemon
hat and visor and gasps. She turns to go.]
Private Lemon, no need to leave. My
stall just became free.
(disguised, deeper voice) Maybe you
should put on a towel, sir.
Right. Right! I'm about to try the
new lotion you recommended. (sexfully)
If I should accidentally put too much
on my hands, perhaps I could rub it
[Leela gags. Kif carries Nixon's jar.]
My God, cover yourself. I didn't live
a thousand years and travel a quadrillion
miles to look at another man's gizmo.
Uh, sorry, Mr. President, I didn't realise.
Kif, raise him up about nipple-high.
[Behind them, Leela showers with her back turned.]
Come on, Brannigan. Stuff yourself into
a uniform. We've gotta get off this
planet before the bomb goes off.
(disguised, deeper voice) Bomb?! What
The one we had the doctors implant in
that gullible Bender robot.
[Fry gasps. Zapp's horse kicks the shower stalls and Leela runs
out and wraps a towel around herself. Zapp looks her up and down
Inspect the troops later. It's time
to activate the bomb.
[Zapp takes a remote control out of his uniform pocket and presses
[Brain Ball Headquarters. Bender and Kissenger are sat around
a table with three Balls.]
Now, as for economic cooperation --
[The bomb inside Bender beeps and his antenna flashes.]
Whoa! Scuse me.
[He bangs his chest and the bomb starts to tick.]
(on tannoy) Attention: All personnel
evacuate the planet immediately. And
not just because it's meat loaf night.
[Zapp is sat on his horse and Kif is sat on his mule, holding
Come along, Lemon before this whole
dump blows up.
(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, commander?
Could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
Of course, my significant soldier. The
bomb is voice activated. It will detonate
the instant the robot unwittingly speaks
a certain word.
What's the word...uh...sir?
It's the one word the robot uses more
than any other. We got it from this
convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used
words. Number 10, chump; number nine,
chumpette; number eight, yours; number
seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number
five, bite; number four, my......number
three, shiny; number two, daffodil.
And Bender's number one most frequently
uttered word, the word which, if uttered,
will blow up this entire planet: Ass.
We don't have long!
[Brain Ball Headquarters.]
BRAIN BALL #1
We demand bouncing, followed by rolling,
followed by rolling of the third type.
My chair's too hard. It's a real pain
in the...uh, whattya call it? Lower
back! Yeah, that whole region.
[DOOP Camp. Soldiers board helicopters and they take-off towards
the Nimbus. Fry crouches behind some barrels until most of the
helicopters are gone.]
OK, I gotta break down that gate, beat
up those three guards, steal that chopper
and rescue Bender. Hey, I did it! Wait,
that's not me.
(shouting) Come on. We gotta save Bender.
[She climbs onto the helicopter.]
You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely
[Leela pulls him onto the helicopter.]
Fry, don't you recognise me?
Lee? When will I see you again? The
two of you are good friends? But I thought
we would be good friends. (contemptuous)
Well, let's see how friendly you get
when you're sharing a prison cell!
[He holds up some handcuffs. Leela punches him in the stomach,
smacks him about the face and kicks him to the ground.]
[Zapp groans. Leela pulls of her helmet and fake beard.]
So it's you I've been attracted to!
Oh, God, I've never been so happy to
be beaten up by a woman.
Let's do it again sometime.
[She closes the door and takes off.]
[Brain Ball Headquarters.]
BRAIN BALL #2
The elders tell of a young ball much
like you. He bounced three metres in
the air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres
in the air. Then he bounced four metres
in the air. Do I make myself clear?
Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the
same story. Oy.
[Bender paces around shaking his fists.]
These balls are making me testy. If
they don't stop bouncing and jiggling,
I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty
up their -- Wait a second. Where do
you shove things up a ball?
This isn't a productive area of discussion.
[Helicopter. The helicopter closes in on the Brain Ball HQ, and
hundreds of balls bounce underneath.]
We're here. I followed the bouncing
balls. I'll keep the chopper at a safe
altitude while you parachute down.
OK, my best friend's life is at stake.
I can finally prove that I'm not a coward.
Will you push me?
(shouting) I already did!
[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. Fry falls.]
(shouting) Thank you! At last, war
has made me into a man.
[He cheers as he bounces towards the building.]
[Cut to: Brain Ball Headquarters.]
Please, gentlemen. We must put an end
to the bloodshed. We have all seen too
many body bags and ball sacks.
BRAIN BALL #1
We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh
Enough of this crap! I'm catching the
next pimpmobile outta here! But before
I go I have one thing to say. Bite
my shiny metal --
[Enter Fry on his ball.]
Stop! You can't say the next word.
Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times
Bender, if you say the A-word and you'll
blow this planet straight to the H-word!
[He opens Bender's chest door, revealing the armed bomb. They
Young man, you have the bravery of a
hero and breath as fresh as a summer
ham. What? What is funny?
Bender's got the upper hand now. The
name of the game is "Make Bender Happy
Or He Blows Up The Planet". I'd rather
die and take everybody with me than
sit here one more minute listening to
these idiots talk about bouncing!
BRAIN BALL #1
Please, stay calm. There's no need to
bounce of the handle.
That's it, I'm saying it! A is for --
BRAIN BALL #1
Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's
demands. The war is over. Our home planet
All right! Hey. Wait a minute! This
is your home planet? We're the evil,
BRAIN BALL #2
Then I guess you learned a valuable
lesson: Don't mess with Earth.
BRAIN BALL #1
May you bounce in peace.
Get the hell off my planet.
[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. The balls on the surface
bounce and fly off the surface and away from the planet.]
[Newspaper Headline: "War Over! Balls Thoroughly Licked!" There
is a picture of a bruished Zapp giving the thumbs up.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender lies on a table and
Farnsworth welds something in his chest cabinet. The other staff
gather around watching.]
Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him.
(shouting) Wake up!
[He slaps Bender. Bender yawns and sits up.]
Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you
get the bomb out? Can I go back to saying
the word I love to say?
I'm sorry but we couldn't remove it.
It's stuck in there with glue or something.
I don't know.
(ironic) Well, this is just great! What's
the point of living if I can't say "ass"?
Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass,
ass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle!
We couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset
the word that triggers it.
It's from the list of words you almost
That's using your ass. So, what's the
We think it's better if you don't know.
Oh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please?
Oh, is it "please"?
Hm, words I never say. Oh, I know! "Thanks"!
Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"?
No. "Funderful"? Uh, "nonalcoholic"?
Stop it, mon!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
(from lab) "Compassion"? "Shrimptoast"?
"Antiquing"? I'm alright!