FUTURAMA
Episode 203
"WHEN ALIENS ATTACK"
By
Ken Keeler
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[A view of the WNYW television building in New York. The caption
"Earth: 1999" appears on the bottom of the screen.]
[Cut to: WNYW Corridor. Fry hums as he walks through the corridor
carrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. He opens a door
marked "WNYW Control Room". Next to the door an "On Air" sign
is lit up.]
[Cut to: WNYW Control Room. He walks through the door. In the
room is a technician surrounded by broadcasting equipment.]
FRY
Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real
TV station, huh?
TECHNICIAN
Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
FRY
What are you showing right now?
[The technician presses a button and a show's title appears on
some screens.]
TECHNICIAN
Single Female Lawyer. It's the season
finale. Wanna watch?
FRY
Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I
prefer programmes of the genre "world's
blankiest blank".
TECHNICIAN
She is wearing the world's shortiest
skirt.
FRY
I'm in!
[He sits down and the technician tosses him a can of Löbrau.
On the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears
an uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire
show is pretty much Ally McBeal.]
JUDGE
Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical
to sleep with your client. If you really
care about the outcome of the case,
you should sleep with me.
SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER
Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition
a single female lawyer in court, but
this is a unisex bathroom.
JUDGE
Overruled, counselor!
[He grabs her and they kiss. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer
appears with a machine.]
STENOGRAPHER
Could you repeat that last part?
[Fry yawns and stretches and knocks over a can of beer. The equipment
fizzles, crackles and the screens turn to static.]
TECHNICIAN
Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the
air!
FRY
Pfft! Like anyone on Earth cares.
[In a pullback sequence lifted from Contact the WNYW transmitter
transmits the signal through the clouds, away from Earth, and
out of the solar system to a planet called Omicron Persei 8 which
intercepts the signal 1000 years later.]
[Cut to: Omicronian Living Room. Two huge green aliens, Lrrr
and Nd-Nd, watch Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV.]
STENOGRAPHER
Could you repeat that last par--
[The picture cuts to static. Lrrr hits the TV with his fist.]
LRRR
This is an outrage! I demand to know
what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garment.
[The static on the TV changes to the Fox logo.]
FOX ANNOUNCER
Due to technical difficulties, we now
bring you eight animated shows in a
row.
[Lrrr growls and vaporises the TV with a laser.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Proudly Made On Earth.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender lie back on the couch.
Fry is holding a can of Slurm and Bender a can of beer. Enter
Hermes.]
HERMES
What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost?
Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it.]
BENDER
Ow!
[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
FRY
Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor
Day.
HERMES
Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday
crammed down our throats by fat-cat
union gangsters?
FRY
That's the one.
HERMES
Hot damn, a day off!
[He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender.
Bender hands him a beer. Enter the rest of the crew wearing and
carrying various things. Zoidberg is dressed in an old fashioned
green striped swimsuit and is wearing a lobster rubber ring around
his waist; Amy is wearing a pink bikini and carrying a fold-up
chair; Leela is wearing her green swimsuit with the hole around
the navel and is carrying a picnic bag; Farnsworth is carrying
a red parasol and wearing 3/4 length shorts, though he is still
wearing his lab coat and slippers.]
LEELA
Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
[Bender and Hermes leap up.]
BENDER
Aw, yeah!
HERMES
Ready Freddy!
[He unzips his trousers and they fall around his ankles revealing
his swimming trunks underneath. Fry stays on the couch.]
FRY
(unenthusiastic) Eh, I think I'll just
stay here.
LEELA
Fry, you're wasting your life sitting
in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world.
[She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]
FRY
But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution
than the real world!
[Leela sighs.]
LEELA
Everyone's too polite to say anything
but you're covered with bed sores.
FRY
Not covered!
LEELA
Just get in the car.
[Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue
convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry
has taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy,
Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the
three of them.]
[Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park
and the crew get out.]
FARNSWORTH
Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!
[Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Sphinx of Giza and
alongside it is St Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts,
the Heads of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount
Rushmore.]
FRY
Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning
Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were
both in New York!
[Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]
LEELA
They are now. In the 2600's New Yorkers
elected a super-villain governor, and
he stole most of the world's monuments.
BENDER
Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
[He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's
head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents'
heads.]
[Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of
Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs
and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real
butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across
in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It
beeps rapidly.]
HERMES
Aha! Found you!
[Bender's head pops up from the sand.]
BENDER
OK, now you go hide. Nice knowin' you.
[He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in
a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she bashes it
over the net. It hits Farnsworth in the head and knocks him over.
He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns
and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth
stands up.]
FARNSWORTH
Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right
to you.
[Zoidberg scoffs.]
ZOIDBERG
I've had it with this game! I'm going
for a scuttle!
[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
[Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]
BENDER
OK, everyone, come and get it!
[He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill
and there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one
out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]
FRY
Ah, just like my dad used to make ...
until McDonald's fired him.
BENDER
Bite my red-hot glowing ass. Wait a
minute. Red-hot glowing ass? (calmly)
I'll be right back! Ow ow ow ow ow
ow ow ow ow! Aw, yeah!
[Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps.
Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of
the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]
AMY
No, Nibbler! (whispering) Psst, Professor,
I need another bikini.
[Farnsworth wakes up.]
FARNSWORTH
Eh ... wha? Oh, oh, OK, I think there's
one can left. Oh, my.
[She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]
AMY
There. How do I look?
[Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]
FARNSWORTH
Like a cheap French harlot.
AMY
French?!
[Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy
stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps
and Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]
BULLY
Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make
time with a real man?
LEELA
No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No
matter how big and ... ... handsome
they are.
FRY
It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot
of work to do.
BULLY
Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a
professional beach bully. I pretend
to steal your girl, you punch me, I
go down, she swoons, you slip me 50
bucks.
FRY
50 bucks?! Not even if she was my girlfriend.
You take her.
LEELA
Fry! Although I suppose we could go
for a walk along the beach.
BULLY
Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
[He runs off and Leela sighs.]
[Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon
a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
ZOIDBERG
Uh-oh. Help! Help! Bender, you gotta
spring me. I'll never survive in here;
I'm too pretty!
BENDER
Alright, alright, I'll bust you out.
Cheese it!
[Then run off.]
[Monument Beach. Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle.]
FRY
Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever
built. This is the kind of castle King
Arthur would have lived in -- If he
were a fiddler crab.
[Leela and Farnsworth gather round.]
LEELA
It's very nice. We should get a picture
before the tide comes in.
[Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]
FRY
Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?
BENDER
Right here, buddy. Wait, I wanna be
in the picture too. Pretend you're
happy.
[They smile.]
ZOIDBERG
Yay!
[The smiles fade when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera
goes off as the crew look up and see a huge grey alien saucer
flying low overhead. The centre of it starts to open up. Everyone
watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up
and it blows up the White House à la Independence Day. Everyone
screams.]
LEELA
Oh, my God!
[Hermes pokes his head up through the sand.]
HERMES
What in Babylon?
[People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble
and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies
past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his
knees and scoops up the sand.]
FRY
(screaming) Nooo!
[Car. The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing
them.]
[Outside Planet Express. The car does a 180-degree skid outside
the building and the crew run inside.]
HERMES
Faster!
[A saucer blows up the car.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry peeps through the blinds
and turns to the rest.]
FRY
We're all gonna die, aren't we?
FARNSWORTH
Oh, I should think so. Although last
time aliens invaded all they did was
force the most intelligent of us to
pair off and mate continuously. (chuffed)
Oh, yes!
[He sprays his throat. Bender turns on the TV to the news. Linda
presents with a smile.]
LINDA
Once again, today's winning lotto number
was 4. In other news, alien saucers
continue to rain destruction upon Earth.
We now go live to an emergency address
by Earth President McNeal.
[A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged
man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from
different nations. A "President McNeal" caption is on the bottom
of the screen.]
MCNEAL
Ladies and gentlemen, our course is
clear. The time has come to knuckle
under. To get down on all fours and
really lick boot. Give our alien masters
whatever they want a--
[The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to Lrrr. His is now
wearing a big red cape and is surrounded by several other Omicronians.
He speaks into an old-fashioned microphone.]
LRRR
People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet
Omicron Persei 8. Is this thing on?
Now then: We want the one you call
"McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will
lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument
laser. We demand McNeal!
[The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal.]
MCNEAL
Uh, as I was saying ... ... mankind
would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous
alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever
he is. Am I right? And now, the man
who will lead us in our proud struggle
for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph
over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula,
25-star General Zapp Brannigan!
[He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and
applaud.]
MAN
Yeah!
[Fry applauds and Leela groans.]
BENDER
Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic
windbag you slept with.
LEELA
The Earth is under attack. Can't we
just forget about that?
BENDER
Evidently not.
ZAPP
Call me cocky, but if there's an alien
out there I can't kill, I haven't met
him and killed him yet. But I can't
go it alone. That's why I'm ordering
every available ship to report for duty.
Anyone without a ship should secure
a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
[Leela stands up.]
LEELA
Well, you heard the windbag: We've been
drafted. Everyone into the ship.
BENDER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse
to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
FRY
A what?
BENDER
You know, a coward.
ZAPP
Since this is an emergency all robots
will now have their patriotism circuits
activated.
[He holds up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses
the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he
stands up.]
BENDER
It is every robot's duty to give his
life for the good of humanity. Oh,
crap!
[A fleet of ships, including a yellow school bus and the Planet
Express ship, fly away from Earth towards the hangar bay of the
orbiting Nimbus.]
[Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled
recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his
side.]
ZAPP
We're all from different cultures here.
Some of you are white, some of you are
black. You're brown. And you're silver.
But I don't care if your skin's red
or tan or Chinese. You're all going
to have to learn to die together. Am
I right, soldier?
BENDER
Well actually I-- Sir, yes sir! Sir!
ZAPP
Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy
all aliens!
[Kif raises his hand.]
KIF
Um, uh, not me, sir.
ZAPP
Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif ...
(quietly) unless you have to. (talking)
Oh ho ho! The luscious Captain Leela.
This is turning into one very sex-ay
struggle for the future of the human
race!
LEELA
Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
ZAPP
Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
[Nimbus Crew Bunkroom. The recruits are assembled around the
beds.]
ZAPP
The key to victory is discipline, and
that means a well-made bed. You will
practise until you can make your bed
in your sleep.
FRY
You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
ZAPP
You won't have time for sleeping, soldier.
Not with all the bed-making you'll be
doing.
[Nimbus Briefing Room. The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms
and Zapp briefs them à la the briefing in Star Wars. He points
at a display of an Omicronian saucer.]
ZAPP
The alien mothership is in orbit here.
If we can hit that bullseye the rest
of the dominoes will fall like a house
of cards. Checkmate. Now, like all
great plans, my strategy is so simple
an idiot could have devised it. On my
command all ships will line up and file
directly into the alien death cannons,
clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand.]
FRY
W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send
the robots in first a--
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in The
Simpsons. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry
and salutes.]
BENDER
Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
Aw, cut it out!
ZAPP
You're a brave robot, son. But when
I'm in command every mission's a suicide
mission. Which reminds me. Leela, perhaps
before we head into battle you'd like
to make love to me, in case one of us
doesn't come back.
LEELA
Maybe we should wait 'til afterwards,
in case neither of us comes back.
ZAPP
Here's hoping.
[He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and
blowing a kiss.]
[The fleet flies around the moon towards the Omicronian mothership
à la the X-Wing approach in Star Wars.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry is at the controls wearing a
helmet that looks like Luke Skywalker's.]
FRY
I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero,
just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!
[Leela is on a small screen.]
LEELA
Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life.
Can't you tell the difference?
FRY
Sure, I just like TV better.
[He makes gunfire noises.]
[The fleet attacks. Lasers fly in the Star Wars-esque battle.
The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships
flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding
another laser beam.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela wrestles with the controls as alarms
beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out
of her eye and looks across the room.]
LEELA
Bender, damage report.
BENDER
The auxiliary power's out, and they
spilled my cocktail.
[He looks at the tipped over glass lying on the computer and
the olive rolls off the edge.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry narrows his eyes.]
FRY
Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's
cocktail!
[The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and
Fry lets rip with 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turns the ship
away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans and finally explodes
in a spectacular fireball, complete with the obligatory flying
tyre.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry looks back at the explosion
and cheers.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela stands up and waves her arms around.]
LEELA
We did it! We won!
BENDER
(sadly) Yeah, but it'll never bring
back my martini. (normal) Well, who
wants a martini?
[He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise
a toast. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling.]
ZAPP
Good work, everyone. The mothership
is destroyed.
[Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield.]
[The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing
it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs
the Nimbus.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room.]
ZAPP
What the hell is that thing?
KIF
It appears to be the mothership.
ZAPP
Then what did we just blow up?
[Kif checks the screen beside him.]
KIF
The Hubble Telescope.
[The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships
and a Slurm lorry.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp and Kif watch the battle
on screen.]
ZAPP
(shouting) Stop exploding, you cowards!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela drops her martini glass.]
LEELA
This is hopeless. If we're gonna get
blown to bits, we might as well do it
in the comfort of our own home.
[She pulls a lever on the seat.]
[The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth is talking to a woman, a
man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry
and Bender. The woman is blonde and has two eyes; the man has
brown hair that is combed down and he wears a green jacket; the
robot is very crude and clunky.]
FARNSWORTH
You'll be the captain, you'll be the
delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic,
foul-mouthed-- Oh, God, you're alive.
I mean, thank God you're alive! Sorry,
check back in three days, a week at
the most.
[They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV.]
LRRR
We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
[The scene changes to the news studio.]
LINDA
And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
[McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with
them.]
MCNEAL
The people of Earth remain united in
my refusal to hand over myself. Total
annihalation is a small price to pay
compared with--
[Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags
him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack.]
[Outside Capitol Building. An Omicronian saucer is parked at
the back of the building and there is a door at ground level.
Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back.]
ZAPP
(shouting) Here he is! Come and get
him!
[The door opens and Lrrr and Nd-Nd are standing behind it. McNeal
wriggles out of the sack and gasps.]
LRRR
You are not McNeal.
ZAPP
(simultaneously) Huh?
MCNEAL
(simultaneously) Huh?
ND-ND
You are not the one we want.
MCNEAL
Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious
masters! I--
[Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporises McNeal. He crumbles into
a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back.]
LRRR
Give us McNeal!
ZAPP
That was McNeal.
ND-ND
No, McNeal: The single female lawyer.
LRRR
She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
[Zapp rubs his chin.]
ZAPP
(sexfully) Really?
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff are watching on TV.]
FRY
Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
[Cut to: Outside Capitol Building.]
LRRR
Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried
human female struggling to succeed in
a human male's world.
ZAPP
Maybe that's just her excuse for being
incompetent.
LRRR
(shouting) Silence! (talking) We will
accept no more decoys. This is the
McNeal.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry stares at the headshot.]
FRY
Wait, I know her.
LEELA
You do not, you big fat liar. You don't
know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
FRY
That's where I know her from. She's
Jenny McNeal. She was a character on
a TV show back in the 20th century,
Single Female Lawyer.
BENDER
Well if they're hoping to see a TV show
that hasn't existed for a thousand years,
pfft, they are royally boned.
LRRR
We will raise your planet's temperature
by one million degrees a day, for five
days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow
-- 8 central!
[The staff gasp.]
FARNSWORTH
(disappointed) I'm beginning to think
there'll be no forced mating at all.
[Lrrr and Nd-Nd's saucer hovers above New New York.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The entire staff are assembled
around the table. Leela paces around.]
LEELA
They're going to destroy the entire
Earth if they don't see some stupid
TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
FRY
It's crazy! How could they even know
about a show from a thousand years ago?
FARNSWORTH
Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand
light years away. So the electro-magnetic
waves would just recently have gotten
there. You see--
FRY
Magic. Got it.
[Amy types "single female lawyer" into a search engine and a
page pops up.]
AMY
Check this out: Back in 1999 the season
finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted
by technical problems. Apparently some
zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.
FRY
Beer -- I would think.
BENDER
They must just wanna see that episode.
Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
[Amy searches some more.]
AMY
There aren't any copies left.
FARNSWORTH
No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes
from that era were damaged in 2443 during
the Second Coming of Jesus.
FRY
Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of
that episode. If I could make up an
ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
ZOIDBERG
I could make the costumes.
[He cuts some material with his claw.]
FARNSWORTH
I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting
tower in the attic.
BENDER
(dramatically) And I, I could be an
acting coach!
[He whizzes his hand around.]
FRY
Let's put on a show.
[Planet Express: Hangar. The ship has been moved to make way
for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth makes some last minute
perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's
table and Zoidberg wheels a clothes rail loaded with frilly things
past Fry, Leela and Amy. Fry is sat on a chair with the script.]
FRY
OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
LEELA
Uh-uh, forget it. A: I'm camera shy,
and B: I get tongue tied in front of
an audience armed with death rays.
AMY
Plus, you don't really have the thighs
for a miniskirt.
LEELA
Gimme the script.
[She snatches it from Fry.]
[Planet Express: Attic Roof. Farnsworth leans through a hatch
and hooks up a satellite dish and points it at the nearby saucer.]
[Cut to: Outside Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr climbs a ladder up to
the roof and jabs an aerial into it.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. On the courtroom set Fry calls for his
cast.]
FRY
Places, everyone.
[Amy puts the finishing touches to Leela's make-up. She is dressed
in a green suit and high heels.]
AMY
OK ... all set!
[Leela turns around. Amy has attached a googly eye to the side
of Leela's face. She flicks the pupil and it rolls around.]
FRY
Lights! Camera one! Camera two! Camera
three!
[Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves.]
[Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit in recliners in front
of a TV screen with six other Omicronians sat around them.]
LRRR
Prepare the water cooler, that we may
gather around it later and discuss things.
[He pulls the recliner lever and flicks the TV on. Bender holds
up a crude sign with "Single Female Lawyer" written on it and
sings.]
Fighting for her client,
[He swaps the sign to one that says "Written and Directed by
Fry."]
Wearing sexy miniskirts...
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
BENDER
(singing) ...And being self-reliant.
(talking) Hey I'm pretty good!
[He takes the sign away and the episode begins. Farnsworth is
the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Leela is the defendant.
Farnsworth and Leela are holding their scripts.]
FARNSWORTH
Uh, (reading) Jenny McNeal, you are
charged with jury-tampering in last
week's case ... ... on account of your
hot, naked affair with the foreman.
How do you plead?
[Leela stands up and looks at her script.]
LEELA
Your Honour, I move for a mistrial,
on the grounds that I'm also having
a hot, naked affair with the foreman
of this jury.
[Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with 10 cardboard people.
Hermes waves.]
HERMES
(sexfully) I'll see you during the recess!
[Cut to: Omicronian Saucer.]
LRRR
If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously
why does she not simply tear the judge's
head off?
ND-ND
It is true what they say; "Women are
from Omicron Persei 7, men are from
Omicron Persei 9".
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
FARNSWORTH
(reading) Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
ZOIDBERG
Gracias. Single Female Lawyer, where
were you on the night of August 23rd?
LEELA
Sleeping with you.
ZOIDBERG
Aha!
[He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face.
He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a
panic.]
LEELA
Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh,
matter, uh-uh, if it please the court
... (whispering) Fry, there's nothing
else here. You only wrote two pages
of dialogue.
FRY
Well, it took an hour to write. I thought
it would take an hour to read.
[Leela sighs.]
LEELA
What are we supposed to do now?
FRY
I don't know, I don't know. Just say
anything. As long as it's compelling,
mesmerising, a tour de force.
LEELA
Uh...
FARNSWORTH
(reading) What say you, Single Female
Lawyer?
LEELA
I say ... I'm giving up the law. And
I'm giving up being single. Your Honour,
will you marry me?
[Amy and Hermes gasp. Bender makes dramatic incidental music
noises. Fry buries his face in his hands.]
FRY
No, no! Go to commercial!
[Bender puts the Single Female Lawyer card in front of the camera.]
BENDER
We'll be back after this word from Crazy
Bender's Discount Stereo.
[He retracts his eye.]
FRY
Married? Jenny can't get married.
LEELA
Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
FRY
But that's not why people watch TV.
Clever things make people feel stupid,
and unexpected things make them feel
scared.
[Lrrr crackles onto the screen.]
LRRR [ON TV]
Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage
plan scares us. You stole our hearts
as a single female lawyer, and so shall
you remain -- or else!
FRY
You see? TV audiences don't want anything
original. They wanna see the same thing
they've seen a thousand times before.
BENDER
(à la Arnold Jackson) Whatchoo talkin'
'bout, Fry?
FRY
Trust me on this. While other people
were out living their lives, I wasted
mine watching TV, because deep down
I knew it might one day help me save
the world. Plus, I would have lost my
Workman's Comp if I hadd gone outside.
Now just read these cue cards.
[He scrawls something on some big cards with a black marker.]
[Time Lapse. The cast take their places. Fry holds up the cue
cards.]
FRY
And action!
FARNSWORTH
(reading) Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I
must decline your offer of marriage.
For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then
fall over dead.
[He smiles and just stares ahead.]
ZOIDBERG
(reading; unmoved) My God, he's dead.
[Farnsworth checks his pulse.]
LEELA
(reading) I will now make my closing
statement. With my fiancé deceased ...
... I hereby return to my single female
lawyer career. No matter what any man
says.
HERMES
We find the defendant vulnerable yet
spunky!
ZOIDBERG
(cheering) Hooray!
AMY
(cheering) Hooray!
FRY
And ... cut!
BENDER
(singing) Single Female Lawyer,
Having lot's of sex--
(talking) Huh?
[Lrrr cuts onto the TV. Nd-Nd drinks from the water cooler behind
him.]
LRRR [ON TV]
Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably
satisfied with the events we have seen.
Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not
great. As a result, we will not destroy
your planet. But neither will we provide
you with our recipe for immortality.
FRY
Way to overact ,Zoidberg!
LRRR [ON TV]
And now we must return to our planet,
to catch the end of a thousand-year-old
Leno monologue.
[He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen.]
[Cut to: Street. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come
out from hiding. A white man hugs a black man, a Jew hugs an
Arab and a clown hugs a nun.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch and cheer.]
BENDER
You did it, Fry!
FRY
Yep. It was just a matter of knowing
the secret of all TV shows; At the end
of the episode, everything's always
right back to normal.
[Pullback: New New York is a burning ruin. There is a crashed
ship in the river and the flaming arm of the Statue Of Liberty
crumbles away.]
THE END
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