FUTURAMA
Episode 406
"WHERE THE BUGGALO ROAM"
By
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Krafted With Luv By Monsters.]
[The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars ("Mightiest of Planets")
and lands just outside Wong Ranch (You've Come To The Wong Place).]
[The Wongs' Porch. The entire Planet Express staff are there.
Leela rings the doorbell and Mr. Wong slides a peephole across
the door.]
MR. WONG
(from inside) Yes?
AMY
Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.
MRS. WONG
(from inside) Open up, Leo. It's Amy
and her weirdos.
[He opens the door.]
MRS. WONG
Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!
[The Wongs' Entrance Room. The staff look around the house.]
LEELA
Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr.
Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day
barbecue.
MR. WONG
Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth
Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big,
empty planet!
MRS. WONG
OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is
holding a green bottle.]
ZOIDBERG
Don't mind if I already did. By the
way, do you have anymore of this Dom
Perignon bubble bath? There was only
enough to fill the tub halfway.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]
[Wong Ranch. The Wongs and the staff pass a field where a man
is rolling out fully-grown corn.]
FARNSWORTH
This is quite a large ranch you have.
MR. WONG
17.9 billion acres. We own entire western
hemisphere. (whispering) That the best
hemisphere!
FARNSWORTH
It's the same on Earth.
[They all look over a fence at a herd of buggalo.]
MR. WONG
Here is most number one product of all:
The mighty buggalo. They used for everything;
Meat, milk and their shells make good
row boat.
[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]
ZOIDBERG
(shouting) I broke your television.
HERMES
Mon, it must take forever to brand all
those cattle.
MR. WONG
Not really. We own so much stuff, it
easier just to brand everything that
not ours.
[He brands Hermes' briefcase with "Not Property Of Wongs" brand.]
HERMES
Please don't do that.
[Amy leaps over a fence to another buggalo. It is surrounded
with cushy things and has a ribbon around its neck.]
AMY
Betsy! This is my sweet, little Betsy.
I raised her from a larva that ate one
of my sweaters.
MR. WONG
Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going
to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she
ever get married!
AMY
Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things
like that when you meet my boyfriend
tonight.
MR. WONG
Oh, that right. We finally get to spend
some time with this Mr. Kif.
MRS. WONG
I just hope he's a nice man who can
make us lot of grandchildren. This not
some parallel universe where you getting
any younger.
[Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus is orbiting Mars. Zapp and Kif talk.
Near them is a photo of Amy.]
ZAPP
Now, remember, Kif: The quickest way
to a girl's bed is through her parents.
Have sex with them and you're in.
KIF
Actually, sir, I'm, I'm a little nervous
about meeting her family.
ZAPP
Well that's natural. After all you're
meek and uninteresting. Until now you've
gotten by on my left-over charisma,
scrounging off it like a tiny charisma
parasite.
KIF
I just hope they like me.
ZAPP
And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know.
Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me
your tedious life story, Kif. And above
all have fun!
[Outside Wongs' House. Lots of people have gathered at the ranch
for country music and barbecued buggalo on Mars Day. The DJ scratches
some country music.]
BENDER
Yeah, yeah, get on down! Oh, yeah!
Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla
Corn!
DJ
Yo, fool! It's Mixmaster Festus!
[Mr. Wong puts more buggalo meat on the barbecue. A Pepto-Bismol
tanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets
his plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps some Pepto-Bismol
onto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.]
FRY
So what's Mars Day about, anyway?
MRS. WONG
It commemorate the day centuries ago
when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong,
bought Mars from stupid natives.
LEELA
How can you call the Native Martians
"stupid"?
MR. WONG
They sell whole planet for one bead.
Sound stupid to me!
[He, Mrs. Wong and Fry laugh.]
FARNSWORTH
That is stupid!
LEELA
I can't believe you're laughing at the
tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving
people.
FRY
Lighten up, Leela. It's funny!
LEELA
Of course it is. But you don't have
to laugh!
[Amy and Kif stand by the buffet. Amy kisses him and he is startled.]
KIF
Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!
RJ
Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come
back to the country. It's where the
flavour is.
[Amy hugs him.]
AMY
RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.
RJ
This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby.
Cigarette, partner?
KIF
Oh, I don't--
[RJ puts one in Kif's mouth and he coughs.]
RJ
I haven't even lit it yet!
[He lights it.]
KIF
Oh. Is it lit now?
RJ
Yep. You're pathetic!
[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]
ZOIDBERG
Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful
time!
MR. WONG
You here five hours and already you
tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless
painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
ZOIDBERG
Not bad for a city boy, huh? By the
way, I took the liberty of fertilising
your caviar.
[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender
pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass
on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck
and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif
stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
AMY
Just relax. I'm sure my parents will
love you.
KIF
You don't understand. When I get nervous,
I can't control my camouflage reflex.
Oh, dear! Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and
bodkins!
[Fry refills at the barbecue.]
FRY
I'll have a thorax and some feelers.
MR. WONG
You want some salad with that?
FRY
Yuck!
[Amy and Kif arrive.]
AMY
Mom? Dad? You remember Kif?
MR. WONG
This your boyfriend? I have instant
dislike of him!
MRS. WONG
He too scrawny to father grandchildren.
AMY
He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.
KIF
Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported
by a system of fluid-filled bladders
that--
MR. WONG
Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy
should be dating real man. Like him!
[He points to RJ over by a campfire.]
KIF
I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh,
light up a smoke.
[He takes out a cigarette and lights it.]
AMY
(whispering) Wrong way!
[Kif drags.]
KIF
(wheezy) Smooth!
[He chokes, turns pale and collapses.]
[Wong Ranch. Kif and Amy lean over a fence and watch the grazing
cattle.]
AMY
Look on the bright side: My parents
left after you passed out so they didn't
even see you barf.
KIF
Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly
enough to date their daughter.
[He sobs.]
AMY
It's OK, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue
from your tote.
[She walks off. RJ puts his hand on her shoulder and stops her.]
RJ
Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my
buddy, Joe.
[Enter Joe Camel.]
JOE
Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long
at the jazz club!
[RJ laughs.]
RJ
Kids love him!
[Kif watches Amy laugh and growls.]
[Cut to: Outside Wong House. A loud noise that sounds like a
very long "omm" comes into earshot.]
FRY
What's that weird sound?
[The noise gets louder. Wind blows down the "Happy Mars Day"
banner.]
MR. WONG
Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody
into house. Hurry, before we die. And
wipe your damn feet!
[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is inside. Mrs. Wong looks out of
the window.]
MRS. WONG
Phew! Everyone OK? No-one considering
lawsuit?
FARNSWORTH
Hmm. I might have mental anguish.
MR. WONG
I'll have you know I'm friends with
every judge on planet.
FARNSWORTH
I'm OK then.
MRS. WONG
Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo
herd is OK.
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Mr. Wong opens the door and looks
across at the cattle. A tornado sweeps across the ranch, taking
the buggalo with it. Everyone gasps.]
MR. WONG
Oh!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Lounge.]
LEELA
What happened to the buggalo?
[Mrs. Wong comes running.]
MR. WONG
They been rustled under cover of storm.
We ruined!
[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
ZOIDBERG
(screaming) Nooo!
[They push him away.]
AMY
Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.
MR. WONG
Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye?
Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?
HERMES
This sounds like a job for--
KIF
Lieutenant Kif Kroker!
HERMES
Alright then.
[He sits down and munches some crisps.]
[Time Lapse. The other guests have left.]
MR. WONG
Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made
Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh,
Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!
MRS. WONG
OK. I want a divorce.
[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]
ZOIDBERG
Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
AMY
They're not your parents, I'm not your
sister and that's not your golf cart.
ZOIDBERG
Aw!
[He reverses the golf cart away.]
AMY
Everybody just calm down. Kif promised
he'd catch the rustlers.
[Enter Kif in cowboy gear.]
KIF
Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief
I could borrow?
[Time Lapse.]
KIF
My plan is to take all the remaining
buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough
cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers
attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!
FARNSWORTH
It sounds dangerous. Someone could get
killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you
to go with him.
FRY
Aw, man!
[Leela sighs. Bender mocks Farnsworth.]
KIF
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll
get your cattle back or die trying.
MR. WONG
Hey, we can't lose!
AMY
No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have
to do this to prove your manliness.
MRS. WONG
Oh, yes he does!
[Wong Ranch. RJ leads some things towards Kif.]
RJ
Here are your mounts!
[Leela rubs one of the things and it makes a squelching noise.]
LEELA
She's got a fine coat.
KIF
Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers.
How many are left?
AMY
You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only
one left. She was curled up in my hamper
when the storm hit. Aw, she likes you!
KIF
Saddle up, men. We got some no good
rustlers to ... catch!
[Mars Surface. Kif, Leela and Fry ride ahead while Bender sits
on a wagon playing a banjo and singing a Bonanza-like tune.]
BENDER (SINGING)
We've got a right to pick a little fight
with rustlers,
Somebody wants to pick a fight with us,
He'd better bite my ass!
FRY
Yee-haw!
LEELA
Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons. The
tallest volcano in the solar system.
FRY
Where?
LEELA
Right in front of you.
FRY
Oh. Oh!
KIF
We'll camp near the top. The rustlers
will be sure to spot us there.
FRY
Where?
[Olympus Mons. The party have set up camp for the night. Bender
tells a ghost story around the campfire.]
BENDER
And even thought the computer was off
and unplugged, an image stayed on the
screen. It was ... the Windows logo!
FRY
Pfft, that's not scary!
BENDER
It is if you're a laser printer.
LEELA
OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once,
there was this woman driving--
FRY
Hook on the hand!
KIF
OK, I've got one. This family--
FRY
Man in the attic!
LEELA
Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally,
you tell a story!
FRY
With pleasure. (spookily) Once, not
far from here, four people set out on
a cattle drive--
BENDER
(speaking fast) Robot gets bored and
kills Fry with a hammer! (normal) Sorry,
go on.
[Time Lapse. Someone peers through the bushes.]
FRY
And then, while they sat helplessly
around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding
escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant
snuck up and--
AMY
(from bushes) Surprise!
[Fry, Bender, Kif and Leela scream. Amy comes out of the bushes.]
KIF
Amy? What are you doing here?
AMY
I forgot to give you something before
you left.
KIF
What?
[Amy kisses him and his camouflage kicks in.]
AMY
Is that your camouflage reflex or are
you just happy to see me?
[Time Lapse. Amy and Kif are lying down at the top of the mountain
looking at the stars.]
KIF
I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly.
I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of
course, I tell no one my feelings.
AMY
But you still have them, right?
KIF
Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until
I can write them in my diary.
AMY
Ah, it's a wonderful night.
KIF
It sure is. I could just lie here beside
you staring at the sky all night.
AMY
I can't! What's that?
KIF
Maybe we just made love.
[Amy and Kif look over the rim of the volcano and into the crater.]
AMY
The buggalo! They're in the crater.
KIF
The rustlers must have seen me coming
and run off, scared.
AMY
Oh, Kif! You're so brave!
KIF
(nervous) Sh! They'll hear us!
[Time Lapse. The next morning. Kif pulls a wire from a mineshaft
on the side of the volcano.]
KIF
OK, the dynamite's in place.
AMY
Are you sure there's no other way to
get the buggalo out?
LEELA
Not unless your parents have thousands
of helicopters at their disposal.
AMY
Well actually--
BENDER
Too late! This is more fun!
[He detonates the dynamite and the buggalo are blown out of the
crater. They roll down the side of the volcano.]
AMY
Kif! You did it! But how did you know
the dynamite would work?
KIF
I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens
from a sand dune. The principle is essentially
the same.
[The noise returns.]
FRY
Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound
again.
[Dust flies up and the tornado blows towards them.]
LEELA
(shouting) Sandstorm! We're in the
eye of the storm!
FRY
Where?
BENDER
What's that?
[There is a buzzing noise. Three Martians come through the tornado,
riding flying buggalo. They have blue-grey skin and the tops
of their heads look like Native American headgear has been fused
to their head. Amy screams.]
FRY
My God!
LEELA
Who are they?
[The lead Martian, Singing Wind, raises his hand.]
SINGING WIND
Fehk! We are the Native Martians.
[Everyone except Fry gasps. After a late reaction, he also gasps.]
FRY
Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.
SINGING WIND
Only those who revere Mother Mars can
fly buggalo. And only they shall have
buggalo. And they're us.
KIF
But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo
aren't yours. They belong to the Wong
family.
SINGING WIND
You mean family that took all Martian
land and gave us one lousy bead?
AMY
Uh-huh! Amy Wong. And you are?
SINGING WIND
Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin
them by stealing buggalo. But now we
take girl instead.
[Two other Martians pick up Amy and they fly away.]
AMY
Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
[The Martians fly away.]
KIF
Amy! Nooo!
[He cries.]
BENDER
Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other
beautiful, rich girl will fall in love
with you.
[Bender laughs and Kif cries.]
[Wong Ranch. The buggalo are returned and Kif closes the gate
behind them.]
MR. WONG
Hooray! You bring back cattle.
KIF
Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got
some bad news as well.
MRS. WONG
Let Amy tell us. That way it soften
the blow. Why Amy being so quiet?
KIF
Um ... well, um ... that is, um...
[A smaller tornado whips by and drops a piece of paper in front
of Mr. Wong. He picks up.]
MR. WONG
Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! I know
it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
KIF
I'll get your daughter back, sir. I
swear.
MR. WONG
Forget it, squishy. You the one lose
her in first place. You done enough.
MRS. WONG
Yeah. This time we get most decorated
law man in the whole universe!
KIF
You mean--? Oh, no, please. I beg you!
Oh, for the love of--
[The Wongs' Lounge. The law man has arrived.]
ZAPP
I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan,
at your service!
[Kif sighs.]
MRS. WONG
Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go
get our daughter back.
ZAPP
Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess.
I shall go bargain with the Martian's
personally. Your gasps intrigue me.
Explain.
MR. WONG
Martians have no land. They been gently
encouraged to live on reservation deep
underground. No-one ever dare go there.
FARNSWORTH
This mission is incredibly dangerous.
Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela,
Bender--
BENDER
Damn you, old man!
[Mars Surface. Zapp, Kif, Leela, Fry and Bender trek across the
desert again. Betsy catches up with them and rubs against Kif.]
LEELA
Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!
ZAPP
I didn't realise you were bringing your
girlfriend, lieutenant!
[He sniggers and Kif sighs.]
KIF
She won't leave me alone.
ZAPP
Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more
like a wife!
[There is silence. A tumbleweed blows by.]
[Time Lapse. They reach a cliff and look over the edge.]
ZAPP
Behold: The Great Stone Face of Mars.
FRY
Hm.
ZAPP
The only known entrance to the Martian
reservation.
LEELA
What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?
ZAPP
Well, yeah, but it's way over the other
side of the planet.
[Time Lapse. They prepare to walk through one of the nostrils.]
ZAPP
Nose-ward, ho!
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. The nose begins to get darker.
They mumble. They are surrounded by torches. They gasp. It gets
lighter and they see they are surrounded by Martians with bows
and laser-arrows. Singing Wind walks in.]
SINGING WIND
Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the
Martian tribe.
ZAPP
Take me to your leader.
[The Martians stare blankly at him.]
SINGING WIND
Moving along. Why you trespass on our
land?
ZAPP
We come to negotiate the release of
Amy Wong. And just to clarify: Land
is the stuff that has sky over it.
[He drinks from a Slurm can and throws it down. A Martian cries
à la the Native American in those American public service advertisements.]
LEELA
They have such respect for the planet.
MARTIAN
Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
[Singing Wind claps and Martians come in holding Amy.]
SINGING WIND
We will give back girl when we get back
planet surface.
ZAPP
How do we even know she's alive?
AMY
I'm fine.
ZAPP
Sh! You're weakening our bargaining
position. How about instead you give
us the girl and we carve a bunch of
our presidents into your sacred mountain?
SINGING WIND
You waste words. We want return of land
that was taken from us.
BENDER
Uh, actually you traded it for a bead.
SINGING WIND
Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse.
We want land back!
ZAPP
Chief, my people are a people of law.
And that law is ... ... no backsies!
SINGING WIND
The time for stupid statements is over!
[He and the other Martians make the "omm" noise. The dust picks
up.]
ZAPP
Oh, boy!
[Cut to: Mars Surface. The Great Stone Face's mouth opens and
the tornado blows the sand away, revealing a Great Stone Body.]
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. Dust blows in Leela's face.]
LEELA
Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye!
[She puts in some eye drops.]
[Mars University. The tornado blows down the "Knowledge Brings
Fear" sign and strips away the Martian statue to a skeleton.]
[Wong Ranch. Zoidberg looks out the window.]
ZOIDBERG
Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
[Martian Reservation. Singing Wind gives a signal and the tornado
sucks up Amy.]
KIF
Amy, no! It's too windy! Stay calm,
dearest! I'll save you!
[He flies Betsy into the tornado.]
AMY
Kif! You're flying Betsy!
KIF
Need a lift?
[Amy grabs hold of his face and stretches it.]
SINGING WIND
Great Mother Mars! He has the gift!
[He gives a signal and the Martians stop making the noise and
the tornado dies away. Kif lands Betsy. Zapp, Leela, Fry and
Bender cheer.]
LEELA
Yay, Kif!
ZAPP
Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque
feat of heroism!
SINGING WIND
We have misjudged you, green one. You
fly the buggalo like us. You have true
reverence for Mother Mars. Let there
be peace between us.
MARTIAN #2
Yes. Let us smoke on peace pipe.
KIF
Smoke-em?
[Martian Tent. Singing Wind smokes the pipe and passes it to
Kif.]
SINGING WIND
Here, take.
KIF
Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.
SINGING WIND
You must smoke peace pipe. And you must
do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
KIF
Well it's just really that I don't feel
that--
ZAPP
Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers
all smoke and they seem pretty on the
ball.
[Kif takes a puff and everyone cheers.]
FRY
Yeah!
ZAPP
Yes, sir!
BENDER
Way to suck it!
KIF
Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest!
Oh, monkey trumpets!
[Martian Torture Chamber. Kif is held down on a rack with rope.]
SINGING WIND
You have coughed at our offer of peace.
So you must die!
MARTIAN #2
The very bead used to crush our dreams
shall be used to crush your bones.
KIF
Well, actually, I don't have bones.
I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled
bladders that--
[The Martians ignore him and turn away. The roof opens and Kif
screams. The bead is lowered in and he whimpers.]
FRY
Wait. That's the bead you traded your
land for?
LEELA
It's a gigantic diamond! That thing
must be worth a fortune.
SINGING WIND
Really?
[The diamond stops and Kif sighs. Bender takes a look at the
diamond through an eye glass and stutters.]
BENDER
Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest
girl in the world!
[He hugs Singing Wind and he immediately pushes him away.]
AMY
Y'know, if you still want your land,
we could just trade back for it.
SINGING WIND
Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless.
We assumed our ancestors were cheated
because they not have concept of ownership.
BENDER
So we can have the diamond?
SINGING WIND
No. We do have concept of ownership.
You are free to go. Sorry about all
the rustling and kidnapping.
LEELA
But what about your sacred land?
SINGING WIND
Land shmand! We don't wanna live on
this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy
new planet and act like it's sacred.
With cash like this, who's going to
argue? Nobody, that's who!
[The Martian ships fly away from Mars with the diamond in tow.]
[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is back.]
AMY
Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from
the tornado and made peace with the
Martians.
MR. WONG
Please! He too much of a wimp.
MRS. WONG
Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan
here.
ZAPP
Please, you give me too little credit.
[Kif sighs.]
ZOIDBERG
Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome
here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his
head on a post and scoffs.]
ZOIDBERG
Money doesn't make good people, no siree!
[Time Lapse. Later that night, Amy comes out onto the porch.
Kif is sat on the porch swing.]
AMY
Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're
my hero.
KIF
Oh, you're kind. But your parents still
don't like me.
AMY
Well globviously! But if they liked
you then I wouldn't. Don't you know
anything about girls?
[They kiss. The buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets
up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]
KIF
Dear diary, I just made love for the
second time!
[He closes his diary and hugs it.]
THE END
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