GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You know, why we're here? To be out,
this is out...and out is one of the
single most enjoyable experiences of
life. People...did you ever hear people
talking about "We should go out"? This
is what they're talking about...this
whole thing, we're all out now, no one
is home. Not one person here is home,
we're all out! There are people tryin'
to find us, they don't know where we
are. (imitates one of these people "tryin'
to find us"; pretends his hand is a
phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find
him." (imitates other person on phone)
"Where did he go?" (the first person
again) "He didn't tell me where he was
going". He must have gone out. You wanna
go out: you get ready, you pick out
the clothes, right? You take the shower,
you get all ready, get the cash, get
your friends, the car, the spot, the
reservation...There you're staring around,
whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be
getting back". Once you're out, you
wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep,
you wanna get up, you wanna go out again
tomorrow, right? Where ever you are
in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta
go.
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
JERRY
Seems to me, that button is in the worst
possible spot. (talking about George's
shirt) The second button literally makes
or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's
too high! It's in no-man's-land, you
look like you live with your mother.
GEORGE
Are you through? (kind of irritated)
JERRY
You do of course try on, when you buy?
GEORGE
Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't
actually recall considering the buttons.
JERRY
Oh, you don't recall?
GEORGE
(pretends he's talking into a microphone)
Uh, no, not at this time.
JERRY
Well, senator, I just like to know,
what you knew and when you knew it.
(a waitress approaches the table)
WAITRESS
Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in
his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants
to pour coffee, but George stops her)
GEORGE
Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's
the orange indicator?
WAITRESS
It's missing, I have to do it in my
head: decaf left, regular right, decaf
left, regular right...it's very challenging
work. (ironically)
JERRY
Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee,
Claire is a professional waitress.
WAITRESS
Trust me George: no one has any interest
in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours
the coffee and walks away)
GEORGE
How come you're not doin' the second
show tomorrow?
JERRY
Well, there's this uh, woman might be
comin' in.
GEORGE
Wait a second, wait a second, what coming
in, what woman is coming in?
JERRY
I told you about Laura, the girl I met
in Michigan?
GEORGE
No, you didn't!
JERRY
I thought I told you about it, yes,
she teaches political science? I met
her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks
in the milk can) There's no milk in
here, what...
GEORGE
Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes
the milk can from Jerry and puts it
on the table) what is she like?
JERRY
Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's
got like a real warmth about her and
she's really bright and really pretty
and uh...the conversation though, I
mean, it was...talking with her is like
talking with you, but, ya know, obviously
much better.
GEORGE
(with a big smile) So, ya know, what,
what happened?
JERRY
Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it
was great.
GEORGE
Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
This is great!
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
So, ya know, she calls and says she
wants to go out with you tomorrow night?
God bless! Devil you!
JERRY
Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she
said, you know, she called this morning
and said she had to come in for a seminar
and maybe we'll get together.
GEORGE
(whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had
to"? "Had to come in"?
JERRY
Yeah, but...
GEORGE
"Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get
together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
No...no...no, I hate to tell you this:
you're not gonna see this woman.
JERRY
(indignant) What, are you serious...why,
why did she call?
GEORGE
How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe
she wanted to be polite.
JERRY
To be polite? You are insane!
GEORGE
All right, all right, I didn't want
to tell you this, you wanna know why
she called you?
JERRY
Yes!
GEORGE
You're a back-up, you're a second-line,
a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency!
JERRY
Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
GEORGE
(The waitress(Claire) passes the table;
George stops her and writes something
on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're
a woman, right?
CLAIRE
What gave it away, George?
GEORGE
Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you
to analyze a hypothetical phone call,
ya know, from a female point of view.
JERRY
(to George) Oh, come on now, what are
you asking her? Now, how is she gonna
know?
GEORGE
(to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all
right? She says she has to (makes some
gestures to accent "has to") come to
New York on business...
JERRY
Oh you are beautiful! (ironically)
GEORGE
and, and maybe (again some gestures)
she'll see me when she gets there, does
this woman intend to spend time with
me?
CLAIRE
I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows
his note-block to Jerry, it says very
largely: NO)
GEORGE
(to Claire) So why did she call?
CLAIRE
To be polite.
GEORGE
To be polite, I rest my case.
JERRY
Good. Did you have fun? You have no
idea, what you're talking about, now,
come on, come with me (stands up), I,
I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer
anyway.
GEORGE
I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
JERRY
Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy".
GEORGE
Come on, I'm tired.
CLAIRE
(to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a
little caffeine: he'll perk up.
GEORGE
(takes off his glasses and rubs his
eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...!
(Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away
with a smile)
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one
of the dryers)
GEORGE
Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this
is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.
(walks away from the dryer; a man passes
George and Jerry)
JERRY
Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got
everything, he's got: detergents, sprays,
fabric softeners; this is not his first
load.
GEORGE
I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta
get out of the city, I feel so cramped...
JERRY
And you didn't even hear how she sounded.
GEORGE
What?!
JERRY
Laura.
GEORGE
I can't believe: (falls on his knees)
WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!
JERRY
Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
GEORGE
(gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry
(starts snapping his fingers), it's
signals! Don't you....all right. Did
she even ask you, what you were doin'
tomorrow night, if you were busy?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
She calls you today and she doesn't
make a plan for tomorrow? What is that?
It's Saturday night!
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry
bobs agreeingly) You don't even know,
what hotel she's staying at, you can't
call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's
a signal! (snaps his fingers again)
Signal!
JERRY
Maybe you're right.
GEORGE
Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.
JERRY
This is insane. You know, I don't even
know where she's staying! She, she's
not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
GEORGE
(puts an arm around Jerry and whispers)
I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen,
your stuff has to be done by know, why
don't you just see if it's dried?
JERRY
No no no, don't interrupt the cycle.
The machine is working, it, it knows
what it's doing, just let it finish.
GEORGE
You're gonna "overdry" it.
JERRY
You, you can't "overdry".
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
Same as you can't "overwet". (George
looks puzzled) You see, once something
is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead:
like once you die you're dead, right?
Let's say you drop dead and I shoot
you: you're not gonna die again, you're
already dead. You can't "overdie", you
can't "overdry".
GEORGE
(looks at the other persons in the laundry
and says to them pointing to Jerry)
Any questions?
JERRY
How could she not tell me where she
was staying? (George stands by the dryer
again and secretly opens it: the dryer
stops working and George closes the
lid)
GEORGE
(points to the dryer) Look at that:
they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry
looks surprised)
(Comedy club)
JERRY
"Laundry-day" is the only exciting day
in the live of clothes. It is...no,
think about it: the washing machine
is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know,
it's dark, there's bubbles happening,
they're all kind a dancing around in
there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon
babe, let's gather". You come by, you
open up the lid and they'll: (shows
how clothes are acting when you open
the lid)...Socks are the most amazing
article of clothing. They hate their
lives, they're in the shoes with stinky
feet, the boring drawers...the dryer
is their only chance to escape and they
all know it. They knew a escape from
the dryer. They plan it in the hamper,
the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow,
the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!"
The dryer-door swings open and the sock
is waiting up against the side wall.
They hope you don't see him and then
he goes down the road (shows how the
sock is going down the road). They got
buttons sewed on their faces: join the
puppet show...So they're showing me
on television the detergent for getting
out blood-stains...Is this a violent
image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean,
I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem right now...Maybe you
oughta get the harpoon out your chest
first.
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
JERRY
(The phone rings. He picks it up and
says:) If you know what happened in
the Mets-game, don't say anything, I
taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry,
you have the wrong number...Yeah, no
(somebody knocks at the door) Yeah?
(to the door, while still at the phone)
KRAMER
(enters) Are you up?
JERRY
(To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah,
people do move! Have you ever seen the
big trucks out on the street? Yeah,
no problem (hangs up the phone).
KRAMER
Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
JERRY
(upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing?
Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't
understand the name; maybe "Kramer"
wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!)
I taped the game, it's one o'clock in
the morning! I avoided human contact
all night to watch this.
KRAMER
Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought
you knew...(takes two loaves of bread
out of his pockets) You got any meat?
JERRY
(a little irritated) Meat? I don't,
I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks
to the refrigerator and sticks his head
in) Well what, what happened in the
game anyway?
KRAMER
(still with his head in the refrigerator)
What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's
what happened! (takes some meat from
the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know,
I almost wound up going to that game.
JERRY
(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the
game. You haven't been out of the building
in ten years!
KRAMER
Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch.
Kramer sits down next to him and starts
turning over the pages of a magazine.
Suddenly he spots an article he likes
and tears it out. Jerry looks at him
with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look"
and Kramer asks:) Are you done with
this?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
(glues the article back with his own
saliva and puts the magazine back on
the table) When you're done, let me
know.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
KRAMER
I thought I wasn't allowed to be in
here this weekend.
JERRY
No, it's OK now, that, that girl is
not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole
thing.
KRAMER
You want me to talk to her?
JERRY
I don't think so.
KRAMER
Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you
know that I was almost... a lawyer.
(shows with his fingers how close it
was)
JERRY
That close, huh?
KRAMER
You better believe it. (The phone rings.
Jerry picks it up)
JERRY
Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.
KRAMER
Give me it...let me talk to her (continues
this way).
JERRY
(gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe
me, I'm always up at this hour. How
are you?...great...sure...What time
does the plane get in?...I got my friend
George to take me...(Kramer suddenly
notices something in the Mets-game on
TV)...
KRAMER
A SLIDE!...Wow!
JERRY
...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah,
I got it (takes a pencil and a cereal
box to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't
be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK,
great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll
see you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs
up the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't
believe it...That, that was her. She
wants to stay here!
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress)
JERRY
If my father was moving this he'd had
to have a cigarette in his mouth the
whole way. (talks from now on like he
has a cigarette in his mouth) Have you
got your end?...Your end's got to come
down first, easy now, drop it down...drop
it down, your end's got to come down.
GEORGE
Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin'
in an extra bed for woman, that wants
to sleep with you. Why don't you bring
in an extra guy too? (sits down)
JERRY
(hands George a beer) Look, it's a very
awkward situation, I, I don't wanna
be presumptuous.
GEORGE
All right, all right, one more time,
one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing
of the request?
JERRY
All right, she said she couldn't find
a decent hotel- room...
GEORGE
A decent hotel-room...
JERRY
Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it
be terribly inconvenient if she stayed
at my place.
GEORGE
You can't be serious. This is New York
city: there must be eleven million decent
hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag?
(waves with his handkerchief) This is
the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!
JERRY
(cynical) This is the signal. Thank
you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday?
GEORGE
I think I was affected by the caffeine.
(suddenly a dog enters the apartment
and jumps George at the couch) HO, HO,
HO, GOOD DOG (etc.)
KRAMER
(walks in behind the dog and closes
the door) He really likes you, George.
GEORGE
(ironically) Well, that's flattering.
KRAMER
(the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently
starts drinking from the toilet) Oh,
he's getting' a drink of water. (sees
the mattress on the floor) Is this for
that girl?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Why even give her an option?
JERRY
This is a person I like, it's not: "How
to score on spring break".
GEORGE
Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked,
I'm gonna get a ticket.
JERRY
Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I,
I forgot to clean the bathroom.
GEORGE
So what? That's good.
JERRY
Now, how could that be good?
GEORGE
Because filth is good...Whatta you think:
rock stars have sponges and ammonia
lyin' around the bathroom? They, they
have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta
tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters
you never do what your instincts tell
you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.
JERRY
This is how you operate?
GEORGE
Yeah, I wish.
JERRY
Let me just wipe the sink.
KRAMER
(stands up from the couch and yells.)
WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry
walks to the bathroom and closes the
door; to George, while pointing to the
mattress) It's unbelievable.
GEORGE
Yeah.
KRAMER
...How's the real estate-business?
GEORGE
...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not
bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you
need something.
KRAMER
Do you handle any of that commercial...real
estate?
GEORGE
Well, I might be getting in to that.
KRAMER
(slaps George on the arm) You keep me
posted!
GEORGE
I'm aware of you, all right, let's go
(opens the bathroom door), let's go!
(Jerry and the dog come out) You're
on stage in 25 minutes.
(Comedy club.)
JERRY
The dating world is not a fun world...it's
a pressure world, it's a world of tension,
it's a world of pain...and ya know,
if a woman comes over to my house, I
gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause
she needs things. Women need equipment.
I don't know what they need. I know
I don't have it, I know that...Ya know
what they need, women seem to need a
lot of cotton-balls. This is the one
I'm, always has been one of the amazing
things to me...I have no cotton-balls,
we're all human beings, what is the
story? I've never had one...I never
bought one, I never needed one, I've
never been in a situation, when I thought
to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball
right now"...I can certainly get out
of this mess...Women need them and they
don't need one or two, they need thousands
of them, they need bags, they're like
peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these
giant bags? They're huge and two days
later, they're out, they're gone, the,
the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls,
ladies? What are you doin' with them?
The only time I ever see'em is in the
bottom of your little waste basket,
there's two or three, that look like
they've been through some horrible experience...
tortured, interrogated, I don't know
what happened to them...I once went
out with a girl who's left a little
zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over
my house. I don't know what to do with
them, I took them out, I put them on
my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds.
I thought maybe the cockroaches would
see it, figure this is a dead town:
"Let's move on"... The dating world
is a world of pressure. Let's face it:
a date is a job-interview, that lasts
all night. The only difference between
a date and a job-interview is: not many
job-interviews is there a chance you'll
end up naked at the end of it...ya know:
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're
the man for the position, why don't
you strip down and meet some of the
people you'll be workin' with?".
(Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura)
JERRY
Wouldn't it be great if you could ask
a woman what she's thinking?
GEORGE
What a world that would be, if you just
could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.
JERRY
Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective:
I've gotta pick up clues, the whole
thing is a murder investigation.
GEORGE
Listen, listen, don't get worked up,
'cause you're gonna know the whole story
the minute she steps off the plane.
JERRY
Really? How?
GEORGE
'Cause it's all in the greeting.
JERRY
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
All right, if she puts the bags down
before she greets you, that's a good
sign.
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area"
is good.
JERRY
"Lip-area".
GEORGE
Ya know a hug: definitely good.
JERRY
Hug is definitely good.
GEORGE
Sure.
JERRY
Although what if it's one of those hugs
where the shoulders are touching, the
hips are eight feet apart?
GEORGE
That's so brutal, I hate that.
JERRY
Ya know how they do that?
GEORGE
That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.
JERRY
Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"?
The hand on the bottom, the hand on
the top, the warm look in the eyes?
GEORGE
Hand-sandwich.
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
I see, well, that's open to interpretation.
Because so much depends on the layering
and the quality of the wetness in the
eyes...(suddenly a woman approaches
Jerry from behind and puts her hands
over Jerry's eyes)
LAURA
Guess who?
JERRY
Hey, hey.
LAURA AND JERRY
Heeeey! (they take each others hands
like they're planning to do a folk dance;
George is looking puzzled)
JERRY
It's good to see you.
LAURA
Hi.
JERRY
This is my friend George.
LAURA
(shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice
to meet you.
GEORGE
Hi, how are you?
JERRY
This is Laura.
GEORGE
Laura, sure.
JERRY
(to Laura) I can't believe you're here.
GEORGE AND JERRY
Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick
up the bags)
LAURA
Oh, thank you.
JERRY
(privately to George) Now that was an
interesting greeting, did you notice
that, George?
GEORGE
Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting".
That wasn't in the manual, I don't know.
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment)
JERRY
So uh, what do ya think?
LAURA
Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.
JERRY
Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work
on the road...So uh, make yourself at
home. (Laura sits down on the couch,
takes off her shoes and opens some buttons
of her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything?
Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?
LAURA
(laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any
wine?
JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do.
LAURA
Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down?
(points to the lamp)
JERRY
Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns
down the lamp)
LAURA
Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would
it be possible, and if it's not, fine,
for me to stay here tomorrow night too?
JERRY
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you
stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what
is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you,
are you doin' anything?
LAURA
No, I'd love to do something, uh, I
have my seminar in the morning, then
after that I'm right open.
JERRY
Really? What would you like to do?
LAURA
Well...now I know this sounds touristy,
but I'd just love to go on one of those
five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan.
JERRY
(doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why
not, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just,
I'm really glad you're here. (the phone
rings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes,
she is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's
for you.
LAURA
(she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no
no it was great, right on time...no,
I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes,
yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a
boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not
gonna have this conversation...look
I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye
(she hangs up the phone). Never get
engaged.
JERRY
You're engaged?
LAURA
You, you really have no idea what it's
like until you actually do it and I'm
on this emotional roller coaster.
JERRY
You're engaged? (still can't believe
it)
LAURA
Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes.
You have to start thinking in terms
of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation.
JERRY
You're engaged! (like he's answering
his own question)
LAURA
Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy...
JERRY
Yeah.
LAURA
You'd really like him...ya know, I can't
wait to get on that boat.
JERRY
Me too!
(Comedy club.)
JERRY
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what
women are thinking. I don't get it,
OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting
the signals. I am not getting it! Women,
they're so subtle, their little...everything
they do is subtle...men are not subtle,
we are obvious. Women know what men
want, men know what men want, what do
we want? We want women, that's it!...It's
the only thing we know for sure, it
really is: we want women. How do we
get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that,
we don't know. The next step after that
we have no idea. This is why you see
men honking car-horns, yelling from
construction sites. These are the best
ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk,
is that a beauty? Have you seen men
doing this? What is this? The man is
in the car, the woman walks by the front
of the car, he honks: (imitates horn).
THE END
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