THE ALTERNATE SIDE
Written by
Larry David & Bill Masters
(Comedy club)
Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the
car will behave as
if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone
disturbs it,
it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy.
Not
everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't
it be nice
if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle?
You know, somebody
tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would
like a car alarm
like that.
First scene.
Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Do you believe this? The car was parked
right out front.
GEORGE
Was the alarm on?
JERRY
I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't
know my alarm sound; I'm not
tuned in to it like it's my son.
GEORGE
I don't understand, how do these thieves
start the car?
JERRY
They cross the wires or something.
GEORGE
Cross the wires? I can't even make a
pot of spaghetti.
Kramer enters.
JERRY
They stole my car.
KRAMER
Who did?
JERRY
They did.
KRAMER
Was it more than just one?
JERRY
What should I do, should I call the
police?
KRAMER
What are they gonna do?
JERRY
I'd better call the car phone company,
cancel my service.
GEORGE
Maybe you should call your car phone.
JERRY
Yeah, he's probably driving it right
now.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, call the car phone, see
what happens.
JERRY
Are you serious?
GEORGE
Yeah, go ahead, call.
JERRY
I don't even know if I remember the
number.
Jerry dials.
JERRY
What do I say if he picks up?
CAR THIEF
Hello?
JERRY
Hello? Is this 555-8383?
CAR THIEF
I have no idea.
JERRY
Can I ask you a question?
CAR THIEF
Sure.
JERRY
Did you steal my car?
CAR THIEF
Yes I did.
JERRY
You did?!
CAR THIEF
I did.
JERRY
That's my car!
CAR THIEF
I didn't know it was yours.
JERRY
What are you gonna do with it?
CAR THIEF
I dunno, drive around.
JERRY
Then can I have it back?
CAR THIEF
Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.
Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.
KRAMER
Hello?
CAR THIEF
Yeah, who's this?
KRAMER
Kramer.
CAR THIEF
Hello, Kramer.
KRAMER
Listen, there's a pair of gloves in
the glove compartment.
CAR THIEF
Wait, hold on... Brown ones?
KRAMER
Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to
me? Or bring them by my
building, it's 129 West 81st St.
CAR THIEF
One-two-nine, okay.
KRAMER
Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.
JERRY
Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?
CAR THIEF
Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah, let me ask you a question. How
do you cross those wires?
CAR THIEF
I didn't cross any wires, the keys were
in it.
JERRY
Sid left the keys in the car. Alright,
I gotta go. Drive carefully.
CAR THIEF
Jerry, when's the last time you had
a tune-up? Because I can't find
the--
Jerry hangs up.
JERRY
Sid left the keys in the car.
GEORGE
Who's Sid?
JERRY
He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks
cars on the block.
GEORGE
What do you mean?
JERRY
He moves them from one side of the street
to the other so you don't get
a ticket.
GEORGE
What, do you pay him for that?
JERRY
Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.
GEORGE
How many people does he do that for?
JERRY
The whole block, forty, fifty cars.
KRAMER
He only works three hours a day. He
makes a fortune. Course he's been
doing that for years, right Jerry?
GEORGE
Could anybody do that?
Sid enters.
JERRY
Hey Sid, what happened?
SID
I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting
too old for this stuff.
JERRY
You left the keys in the car?
SID
Well, you know they're making that Woody
Allen movie in the block, and all
those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have
got a little
distracted.
KRAMER
You know I'm in that movie?
GEORGE
You are?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm an extra.
GEORGE
How'd you get that?
KRAMER
Well, I was just watching them film
yesterday and some guy just asked
me.
GEORGE
Right out of the clear blue sky?
KRAMER
Clear blue sky!
GEORGE
Well, why didn't they ask me?
KRAMER
I got a quality.
SID
Jerry, you got insurance, right?
JERRY
Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent
one.
SID
Well I'm going down to visit my sister
in Virginia next Wednesday, for a
week, so I can't park it.
JERRY
This Wednesday?
SID
No, next Wednesday, week after this
Wednesday.
JERRY
But the Wednesday two days from now
is the next Wednesday.
SID
If I meant this Wednesday, I would have
said this Wednesday. It's the
week after this Wednesday.
GEORGE
Sid, who's gonna move the cars while
you're away?
SID
Whoever wants to move them, why do I
care who moves them? They can move
themselves if they want.
GEORGE
Maybe I could move them until you get
back.
SID
What's a young man like you want to
move cars for? You don't work?
GEORGE
I'm in a transition phase right now.
SID
Well if you want to move the cars, move
the cars. Just don't forget to
take the keys out, that's all.
Phone rings.
JERRY
Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one
on the bottom, just slide it all
the way over. You're welcome.
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.
ELAINE
I'm in awe of his intellect, when he
talks it sounds like he's reading
from one of his novels.
JERRY
Owen March, I never heard of him.
ELAINE
Well, he's not a baseball player.
JERRY
Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like
it's going pretty good.
ELAINE
Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.
JERRY
What's that?
ELAINE
He's sixty-six years old.
RENTAL CAR AGENT
Next please.
ELAINE
Well, go, go.
AGENT
Can I help you? Name please?
JERRY
Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a
mid-size, and she's a small. I'm
kidding around, of course.
AGENT
Okay, let's see here.
JERRY
Sixty-six years old?
ELAINE
Yeah, well, he's in perfect health.
He works out, he's vibrant. You'd
really like him.
JERRY
Why do people always say that? I hate
everyone, why would I like him?
ELAINE
What do you think, would you go out
with a sixty-six year old woman?
JERRY
Well, I'll tell you, she would have
to be really vibrant. So vibrant,
she'd be spinning.
AGENT
I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available
at the moment.
JERRY
I don't understand, I made a reservation,
do you have my reservation?
AGENT
Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out
of cars.
JERRY
But the reservation keeps the car here.
That's why you have the
reservation.
AGENT
I know why we have reservations.
JERRY
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd
have a car. See, you know how to
take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation
and
that's really the most important part of the reservation, the
holding. Anybody
can just take them.
AGENT
Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.
The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she
can be seen
speaking with someone.
JERRY
Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You
know what she's saying over there?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Hey Marge, you see those two people
over there? They think I'm talking
to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you
start talking.
ELAINE
Oh, you mean like this? So it looks
like I'm saying something but I'm
not really saying anything at all?
JERRY
Now you say something else and they
won't yell at me 'cause they thought
I was checking with you.
ELAINE
Okay, that's it. I think that's enough,
see you later.
The agent returns.
AGENT
I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's
nothing we can do.
JERRY
Yeah, it looked as if you were in a
real conversation over there.
AGENT
But we do have a compact if you would
like that.
JERRY
Fine.
AGENT
Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort
for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you
like insurance?
JERRY
Yeah, you better give me the insurance,
because I am gonna beat the hell
out of this car.
AGENT
Please fill this out.
ELAINE
What do you think, you think I'm making
a big mistake?
JERRY
Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's
what's important.
ELAINE
I love being with him. I mean, I like
being with him. It's okay being
with him.
New scene.
Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
I just don't enjoy being with him.
JERRY
Well that's what's important.
ELAINE
I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's
around the corner, do I have to
break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over
the phone?
JERRY
How many times you been out with him?
ELAINE
Seven?
JERRY
Face to face.
ELAINE
Seven dates is a face-to-face break
up?
JERRY
If it was six I could have let you go,
but seven, I'm afraid, is over
the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
ELAINE
Hmm... How's the pasta over there?
Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him
out of the way
and heads for the kitchen sink.
KRAMER
Whoa, whoa!!
JERRY
What is going on out there?
GEORGE
I need like a bucket of water! I got
a car overheating, I got an alarm
that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing!
What do I
do?! Help me! Help me!
George runs off into the bathroom.
KRAMER
Hey, you know they were supposed to
do my scene today?
ELAINE
Today?!
KRAMER
You know they told me that they wanted
me to walk down the block
carrying this bag of groceries.
ELAINE
Yeah.
KRAMER
So I start to walk, and I trip, and
the grocery bag goes flying, and
Woody, Woody starts laughing.
ELAINE
He was laughing?!
KRAMER
Oh yeah, he was drinking something,
it started to come out of his nose.
JERRY
So then what?
KRAMER
I got a line in the movie!
ELAINE
Get out!
JERRY
That's great!
GEORGE
You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
KRAMER
Pretty good, huh?
GEORGE
You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might
have a whole new career on my
hands, huh?
JERRY
You mean *a* career.
ELAINE
So was Mia Farrow there?
KRAMER
Uh, I didn't see him.
ELAINE
What's your line?
KRAMER
Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh,
Woody, you know, I'm at this bar
and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.
KRAMER
So I'm sitting there with Woody and
I say, I turn to him and I go,
"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."
GEORGE
Is that how you're gonna say it?
KRAMER
No, no, I'm working on it.
ELAINE
Do it like this. "These pretzels are
making me thirsty."
JERRY
No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
KRAMER
No, no. See, that's no good. See, you
don't know how to act.
GEORGE
"These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"
Jerry pinches his nose.
GEORGE
That was no good?
KRAMER
I didn't say anything.
ELAINE
I'm gonna go break up with Owen.
GEORGE
What was wrong with that? I had a different
interpretation! Do you
know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the
bar a really long
time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman
and he's
parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright!
Alright!
Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels
are making me
thirsty!
George storms out.
New scene.
Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding
on the door, Jerry
opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.
JERRY
Oh my god.
ELAINE
Call an ambulance.
JERRY
Boy, he took it hard.
New scene.
Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what
happened.
ELAINE
We were walking down the block right
by your house and I was just about
to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
JERRY
Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one
twenty nine west
Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.
ELAINE
Tell then to hurry! Hurry!
JERRY
It's an ambulance. (To the operator)
I don't know but he's
unconscious.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
(He bites into a pretzel.) Boy,
these pretzels are making me thirsty.
JERRY
Kramer.
KRAMER
What happened here?
ELAINE
I don't know, I don't know, what should
we do? We called an ambulance,
does anyone know first aid?
JERRY
Shouldn't you do something with the
extremities?
ELAINE
What extremities?
KRAMER
What's an extremity?
JERRY
You raise the feet, get blood to the
head.
KRAMER
You raise the head, you get blood to
the feet.
ELAINE
Okay, what about a cold compress? They
always do that.
JERRY
I don't have a washcloth.
ELAINE
Well use a paper towel.
JERRY
You can't put a paper towel on his head.
KRAMER
What about a big sponge?
JERRY
How you gonna hold it on there?
KRAMER
Use a belt.
ELAINE
No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip
all over him.
JERRY
Should we walk him around?
ELAINE AND KRAMER
Yes, yes.
KRAMER
Yeah, I've seen them do that.
JERRY
No, no that's for a drug overdose.
KRAMER
Maybe that's what he's got.
ELAINE
No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch
with him, he didn't leave the
table.
KRAMER
Well he could have dropped acid when
you weren't looking.
ELAINE
He is not a drug addict!
JERRY
Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic,
he might just need a cookie
or something.
ELAINE
A cookie!
KRAMER
Can you give him a cookie?
ELAINE
How's he gonna chew it?
JERRY
We'll move his teeth, it happened to
my uncle, the sugar revived him.
Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his
jaw up and down.
ELAINE
Careful, you're getting crumbs all over
him.
KRAMER
I got him chewing but I don't think
he's gonna swallow.
ELAINE
You know what, let's put a few cookies
in a blender and he could drink
it.
JERRY
Cookies don't liquefy.
ELAINE
Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.
KRAMER
Alright I'll get a blender.
JERRY
What blender? I don't have a blender.
KRAMER
You got a blender.
JERRY
I would know if I had a blender.
ELAINE
Where is the ambulance?!
Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed
by a
crashing sound.
The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.
JERRY
Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance
like thirty-five
minutes ago.
ELAINE
I can't believe what's going on out
here.
JERRY
This is an emergency, what's taking
so long? (the door buzzer buzzes)
Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?
VOICE
Paramedics.
JERRY
Come on up. Okay, they're here.
ELAINE
He seems to be breathing.
JERRY
Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty
good-looking guy.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
Those eyebrows could use a trimming,
you ever mention that to him?
ELAINE
Almost.
JERRY
Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild
there.
ELAINE
It's not an easy thing to bring up.
JERRY
Yeah, that's true.
ELAINE
Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man,
it's all silk.
JERRY
Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he
wears slippers.
ELAINE
He does, how'd you know that?
JERRY
I could tell.
Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.
ELAINE
What happened, what took you so long?!
PARAMEDIC
We got here twenty minutes ago but we
couldn't move, the whole
intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it.
So finally we
make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking
cars slammed into
us with a blue Escort.
JERRY
Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.
GEORGE
Oh man.
JERRY
What happened to the car?
GEORGE
Sorry, you don't know what's going on
out there! (looks at Owen)
Who's he?
ELAINE
This guy I'm seeing.
GEORGE
What happened?
JERRY
We don't know!
PARAMEDIC
Who put cookies in his mouth?
JERRY AND ELAINE
Cookies?
PARAMEDIC
You're not supposed to do that.
JERRY
So how'd you hit the car?
GEORGE
I was moving it across the street, I
looked up and I saw Woody Allen
and I got all distracted.
JERRY
It's not even my car, it's a rental.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
What are you doing out there?! You're
holding up the production of the
movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.
GEORGE
Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
KRAMER
He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue
jacket who's got the street all
screwed up?'
GEORGE
Should I apologize to Woody?
KRAMER
Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time
I talk to him, maybe I'll bring
it up. I'll feel him out.
Mid-episode Monologue.
What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of
years ago? You
know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no
equipment.
Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole
first aid.
They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?'
'No, no we
can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if
you know that. Did
you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before
anybody.'
New scene.
Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.
SID
Now you didn't tell me you didn't know
how to drive. You should have
mentioned that.
GEORGE
Well I know how to drive.
SID
Then how'd all those cars get damaged?
Why are people calling me up
screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
JERRY
Can I get anybody anything?
SID
Moving cars from one side of the street
to the other don't take no more
sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is
who's putting your
pants on?
GEORGE
I put my pants on, Sid.
SID
I don't believe you. If you can put
your pants on, you can move those
cars.
GEORGE
Well I don't want to get into a big
dispute about the pants.
SID
Who's gonna send money to my sister
in Virginia? Her little boy needs
surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp
because you can't
park a few cars.
GEORGE
Maybe I could call my father.
Kramer enters holding a newspaper.
KRAMER
Hey, you seen the paper yet?
JERRY
Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as
it is my paper.
KRAMER
Yeah. There's an article in there about
that writer.
Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered
a stroke
yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.
KRAMER
Uh huh, that's the guy that was here.
You're the friend.
JERRY
The extent of the damage would have
been far less severe
had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.
SID
Oh lord.
JERRY
The commotion also delayed production
of a Woody Allen movie
that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary
filmmaker said
that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days
of shooting
movies in New York were over.
New scene.
Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating
a bag of
pretzels.
ELAINE
Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds
away from breaking up with
him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen,
it's over.'
JERRY
Can he communicate?
ELAINE
Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he
understands me, he seems to enjoy
it when I read to him.
JERRY
Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the
counter) Hi, I called before,
uh, my car got smashed.
ELAINE
So listen, what should I do? I mean
if I break up with him now it'll
look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be
ostracized from
the community.
JERRY
What community? There's a community?
ELAINE
Of course there's a community.
JERRY
All these years I'm living in a community,
I had no idea.
AGENT
Sir the estimate on the damage to your
car is two thousand eight hundred
and sixty-six dollars.
JERRY
Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything
so...
AGENT
Yes, now, uh, in your report you said
that you were not the driver of
the car at the time of the accident.
JERRY
That is right, somebody else was driving.
AGENT
Alright, well, sir, you're only covered
for when you're driving the car.
JERRY
Uh huh, what's that?
AGENT
You're not covered for other drivers.
JERRY
Other drivers?
AGENT
Um hm.
JERRY
Your whole business is based on other
drivers. It's a rented car.
That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card
cover me or
something?
AGENT
Not that particular one.
JERRY
Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick
a card, take a card, any card you
want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
AGENT
Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--
JERRY
Did you see the size of that document?
It's like the Declaration of
Independence, who's gonna read that?
AGENT
Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now,
you are not covered for that
damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about
that.
JERRY
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
New scene.
Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair
and in
generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.
ELAINE
Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean.
Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't
they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean
in the south, are
they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like
my Yankee
Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin)
Owen, I
think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would
be nice if *we*
could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming
here, and uh,
feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's
good stuff.
Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful!
But at this
point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make
a commitment to one
person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common.
For example, I
like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and
skiing, and um,
well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a
bitch to get here.
It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to
take the
double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends.
These
pretzels are making me thirsty.
New scene.
Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.
ELAINE
Can you die from an odor? I mean, like
if you were locked in a
vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
JERRY
An overdose of odor? Good question.
GEORGE
Do I smell?
ELAINE
No no no no, I was just down on the
forty-second street subway today,
it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
JERRY
Ahh.
GEORGE
He's alright?
ELAINE
Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He
told me he was just using me for
sex.
The waitress brings the check.
JERRY
Let me get that.
GEORGE
No no no, I got it.
JERRY
Please.
GEORGE
No come on, let me, let me. I smashed
your car, it cost you over two
thousand dollars,
JERRY
Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.
Kramer enters and sits down.
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
I got fired from the movie.
GEORGE
Get out of here, why?
KRAMER
Well, you know they were gonna shoot
it today, and uh, we rehearsed it
twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say,
'These pretzels
are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and
I slammed the
glass down on the bar and it shattered.
ELAINE
Aww.
KRAMER
Well, one of the pieces must have hit
Woody. He started crying. And
he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman,
she came up
to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that
scene.
Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the
gloves.
JERRY
Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out
loud.
(Comedy club)
I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick.
And the best part
of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was
to get married,
you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better
or for worse, all
I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one.
Do you take
this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there.
Rest of the
time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get
the sniffles, you
better be there.
THE END
|
