THE BARBER
Written by
Andy Robin
MR. TUTTLE
Well George we here at Sanalac like
to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive
company. We
have a small but prestigious group of clients.
GEORGE
Well a lot of people consider me small
and prestigious.
MR. TUTTLE
That's funny George. You're very quick.
I feel like I, like I don't have to
explain every little
thing to you. You understand everything immediately.
GEORGE
I enjoy understanding.
MR. TUTTLE
I want you to have this job. Of course...
SECRETARY
Mr. Zimmer is on line 2.
MR. TUTTLE
Thanks. I've got to take this call.
Listen, I'm really glad that you came
in.
(commercial)
At Monk's
GEORGE
I want you to have this job. Of course...
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
That's it.
JERRY
What do you mean that's it?
GEORGE
He never finished the sentence. He got
a call, that was the end of the interview.
JERRY
"Of course" was the last thing he said?
GEORGE
Maybe he was going to say "Of course
I have to check with my associates."
ELAINE
"I want you to have this job, of course
the Board of Directors is under indictment
and will be
serving time."
JERRY
"I want you to have this job, of course
sodomy is a prerequisite."
GEORGE
All right.
ELAINE
Why don't you go ahead and call him?
GEORGE
Because he made a big deal about how
I understand everything immediately.
That's what
impressed him.
JERRY
So if you call and ask if you have the
job, you might lose the job.
GEORGE
And if I don't call...
JERRY
You might have the job, but you'll never
know it. What kind of company is it?
GEORGE
Rest stop supply.
Kramer comes in and sits down.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey.
JERRY
Shower?
KRAMER
Haircut.
JERRY
Who'd you use? Gino?
KRAMER
Oh course. I wouldn't let that other
butcher cut my hair.
ELAINE
What butcher?
KRAMER
The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry
uses.
JERRY
Well I've been going with him for 12
years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his
feelings.
ELAINE
You never get good haircuts.
KRAMER
You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's
day off. Gino's there all by himself.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah. You know what, you should go over
there and get one to look good for my
bachelor
auction.
KRAMER
What bachelor auction?
ELAINE
Oh it's a thing where they auction off
dates with bachelors for charity.
KRAMER
And you didn't ask me to do it? I could
raise enough money to cure polio.
JERRY
I believe they've had a cure for polio
for quite some time.
KRAMER
Polio?
ELAINE
Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
What are you all dressed up for?
GEORGE
I had a job interview.
KRAMER
Yeah. How'd it go?
GEORGE
Good. Of course...
At the barber shop
ENZO
Oh Jerry.
JERRY
Oh hi Enzo.
ENZO
Oh, you've come for the haircut.
JERRY
No, actually I was just...
ENZO
It's my day off, but I take care of
you anyway because you're my favorite
customer. You've been
with me for so long. You're so loyal.
JERRY
Well I, if it's your day off I really...
(tries to leave)
ENZO
(He pulls Jerry into the barber chair.
Jerry is trying to get away but can't.)
Eh, what's the difference.
It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special
for you.
JERRY
Well I don't want to take too much off.
ENZO
Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell
the joke, I cut the hair.
MAN
Gino, you've outdone yourself this time.
This is the best haircut I've ever had.
At Jerry's apartment.
Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut.
He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are
looking in disbelief at the haircut.
GEORGE
He massacred you. You look like you're
five years old.
JERRY
What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo
helps.
GEORGE
You've got to start seeing someone else.
Get out of this relationship.
JERRY
I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his
most loyal customer. Plus he's right
there on the corner. I'd
have to pass him every day when I go by.
GEORGE
You gotta do it.
JERRY
I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.
Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.
KRAMER
No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.
JERRY
He did the job. You told me he wasn't
going to be there.
KRAMER
So what?
JERRY
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
KRAMER
His feelings? You can't continue seeing
him. You're destroying yourself. I'm
not going to let
you. If you don't call him I will.
JERRY
No Kramer. I don't want you to do that.
You can't do that.
KRAMER
I'm going to call Gino, you're going
to see him, and we're going to get that
haircut fixed up.
JERRY
I don't want you to call him.
KRAMER
All right, geez. You're crazy.
Kramer leaves.
GEORGE
So I still haven't heard about that
job.
JERRY
Yeah that's a tough one. What are you
going to do about that?
GEORGE
I have an idea.
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
I show up.
JERRY
What do you mean you show up?
GEORGE
I show up. I pretend I have the job.
The guy's on vacation. If I have the
job, it's fine. If I don't
have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
JERRY
Hmm. Not bad.
GEORGE
What's the worst thing that could happen?
JERRY
Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated
in front of a large group of people
and have to walk out
in shame with your tail between your legs.
GEORGE
Yeah, so?
At the office.
GEORGE
(to various people as he walks in) Good
morning. Good morning. Good morning.
Hi nice to see
you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.
SECRETARY
How can I help you?
GEORGE
The name's George Constanza. I'm starting
work here today. I was wondering if
you could tell
me where my office is.
SECRETARY
I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this
is George Constanza. He's starting here
today.
MIKE
Welcome aboard.
GEORGE
Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.
MIKE
I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished
interviewing.
GEORGE
Oh, well, he was probably just getting
anxious to start his vacation.
SECRETARY
He wants to know where his office is.
MIKE
Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's
a big one down the hall there and a
small one over here.
You know I should ask Jack.
GEORGE
Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough
problems. I'll just take the small office.
MIKE
Really?
GEORGE
Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very
small apartment. I like to feel tucked
in, nestled in. Love
to be nestled.
MIKE
All right, it's 808 right down there.
Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file,
you can start working on that.
GEORGE
Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file.
Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into
that. Wow that
Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.
George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and
coat and sits down. He quickly flips through
the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud.
George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase
and his coat and he walks out.
At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap.
JERRY
So what did you do there all day?
GEORGE
They gave me the Pensky file.
JERRY
So it's a nice place to work?
GEORGE
You know I'm enjoying it very much.
I think my coworkers are really taking
to me.
*flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen)
GEORGE
(continuing) I feel like a family. In
fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday.
She's such a sweet
woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made
a toast.
*end flashback*
JERRY
What about your boss? The guys you interviewed
you?
GEORGE
He'll be back on Monday.
Elaine enters and sits down.
JERRY
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?
JERRY
I got a haircut.
ELAINE
Oh yeah? Can I see it?
JERRY
Oh there's nothing to see.
ELAINE
Come on. Let me see it.
JERRY
Forget it.
ELAINE
Come on.
JERRY
All right.
Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing.
George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in
the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds
his fist on the table.
ELAINE
(still laughing, tears in her eyes)
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
JERRY
Well I'll tell you this, you can forget
about me going to that bachelor auction.
ELAINE
What? No Jerry, you have to go.
GEORGE
You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working
that day.
ELAINE
(dryly) Yeah, too bad.
At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave.
KRAMER
It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had.
You gotta fix it.
GINO
Sure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure
you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy.
I don't know what
he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So
I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the
best movie I've ever seen.
ENZO
Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands.
How can you have hand like scissors,
huh? Show me
one person who's got hand like scissors.
GINO
Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love
to be this man.
ENZO
Did you ever think about what you're
going to do on the toilet? (yelling)
What are you going to do
on the toilet?
KRAMER
I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
At Monk's.
KRAMER
Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino,
he's going to fix the haircut.
ELAINE
Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor
auction.
JERRY
Yeah, but how am I...
KRAMER
No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight
o'clock.
ELAINE
Can he fix it?
KRAMER
I don't know.
At Gino's apartment.
GINO
Boy, you've got a beautiful head of
hair.
JERRY
Thank you.
GINO
I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all
the time.
JERRY
Well actually Enzo hasn't said that
to me in a while.
GINO
I don't think uncle Enzo realize what
a lucky barber he is.
JERRY
That's nice of you to say.
The buzzer buzzes.
GINO
Just a second. Yes.
ENZO
(over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.
GINO
It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean
up.
"The Barber of Seville" music is playing.
Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks
up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next
room.
*knock, knock, knock*
Gino opens the door.
GINO
Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?
ENZO
I've come to apologize.
GINO
Apologize?
ENZO
Yes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands.
That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.
GINO
He make me cry too. You want something
to drink?
ENZO
Hey, what's all of this?
GINO
Nothing. It's just hair.
ENZO
You do haircut in the apartment?
GINO
No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall
off. He's going bald.
ENZO
It looks very familiar.
(commercial)
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
In the one minute he worked on me I
could tell he was really good.
KRAMER
Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told
you he could do it.
JERRY
Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the
floor.
KRAMER
Yeah, so?
JERRY
I think he knew.
KRAMER
No. He doesn't know.
JERRY
Who do you know? He knows my hair.
KRAMER
Listen you're just imagining things.
He doesn't know a thing. Now come on.
Pull yourself
together.
JERRY
Okay, okay.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
What happened? It looks the same.
JERRY
He didn't get to finish it. His uncle
came in. We almost got caught.
ELAINE
Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.
JERRY
Take the K-man.
ELAINE
You can still go.
KRAMER
What are you kidding? Look at him. He's
grotesque.
ELAINE
You think?
KRAMER
Do I think? He's repugnant.
Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad.
It doesn't work.
ELAINE
What would you wear?
KRAMER
Whatever it takes.
At the barber shop.
ENZO
See, now Newman is a good customer.
NEWMAN
Once I find a barber I stick with him.
I almost went to barber school. I always
felt I had a talent
for it.
ENZO
Oh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal.
NEWMAN
Yeah, just the way that I was raised.
I'm special.
ENZO
You know I don't mind if somebody's
funny, but I no like the funny business.
GINO
I'm going to go out for a little bit.
I'll be right back.
ENZO
Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy
with the haircut?
NEWMAN
It's okay. A little crooked.
ENZO
How'd you like to have free haircut
for six months.
NEWMAN
What's the catch?
ENZO
You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's
hair.
NEWMAN
Hmm, that job sounds like it might be
worth a *year's* free haircuts. And
a comb.
At George's office.
George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his
desk with pencils.
*buzz*
SECRETARY
(over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr.
Pensky is here to see you.
GEORGE
Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Pensky enters.
PENSKY
Costanza? Arthur Pensky.
GEORGE
Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your
file. I was transferring the contents
of the file into this
flexible accordion-style folder.
PENSKY
Where's Tuttle?
GEORGE
He's on vacation.
PENSKY
He was on vacation the last time I dropped
by. Give me my file. (looks through
the file) Looks
like you put a lot of work into this.
GEORGE
Well you know in college they used to
call me the little bulldog.
PENSKY
Hey, you are Pensky material. Would
you ever consider coming to work directly
for me?
GEORGE
Really?
PENSKY
You are aware...
*buzz*
SECRETARY
(over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?
GEORGE
Not now Florice.
SECRETARY
(speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should
know they're towing his car.
PENSKY
Damn this city.
Pensky leaves.
GEORGE
I am aware. I am aware.
At Jerry's apartment.
GINO
He knows. He knows about us.
JERRY
How do you know?
GINO
Because I know. He's crazy. All morning,
he looking at the hair. He *staring*
at the hair.
*knock knock knock*
JERRY
Who is it?
NEWMAN
It's Newman.
GINO
He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't
see me here.
JERRY
All right, go in the bedroom. Open the
window. You can go out the fire escape.
Jerry opens the door.
JERRY
What do you want?
NEWMAN
Can I use your bathroom?
JERRY
What's wrong with yours?
NEWMAN
My toilet's clogged.
JERRY
You can't unclog it?
NEWMAN
No.
JERRY
Did you ask Kramer?
NEWMAN
He's out.
JERRY
Number one?
NEWMAN
Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go
very badly.
JERRY
All right. Flush twice.
He goes in the bathroom.
NEWMAN
(thinking to himself) (checks a comb)
No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't
believe this.
There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that
didn't have at least *one* hair in a brush.
(searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some
scissors) Ahh.
JERRY
You all right?
NEWMAN
Yeah, yeah.
JERRY
All right, I'll see you later.
NEWMAN
What are you doing?
JERRY
I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
NEWMAN
Oh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite
movie.
JERRY
Yeah all right.
Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen.
Newman puts the scissors close up to
Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.
JERRY
You want something to drink?
NEWMAN
No.
Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows
behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the
scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman
hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman
confused.
JERRY
If you want to watch, sit down. You're
making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands
is a hell of
a barber.
Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair.
NEWMAN
Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel
(reaches down and picks up the hair.)
Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused.
At the barber shop.
ENZO
Did you get it? Oh you done good Newman.
NEWMAN
It was a cinch. Where are you going?
ENZO
Io volgio vandetta.
At the auction house.
ELAINE
Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand?
Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.
WOMAN
A thousand.
ELAINE
A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a
thousand twice, a thousand three times,
sold to the lucky
lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.
Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on
stage.
ELAINE
Okay next bachelor is number, um 124
on your program. He's uh, he's a high
school graduate.
KRAMER
Equivalent.
ELAINE
Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency
program graduate. He's uh, self-employed.
He's...
I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit,
and he just got uh, a haircut.
Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over
and Kramer falls off.
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start
the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
I don't get this Scissorhands. What,
is he supposed to be like a super hero,
like Green Lantern or
somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just
asking.
*knock, knock, knock*
JERRY
Who is it?
ENZO
(yelling) Enzo Manginero.
"Barber of Seville" music playing.
JERRY
Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino
scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door)
One second.
ENZO
It was you that was in Gino's apartment
the other night.
JERRY
No I wasn't there.
ENZO
Don't lie. I know it was you. I get
a sample of your hair. I match them
up.
JERRY
Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh,
I was there but I was just dropping
off a book.
GINO
Don't Jerry.
ENZO
So, it's true.
GINO
Yes it's true.
ENZO
I'm going to kill the both of you.
Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes
calm.
At the office.
George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him.
Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door.
George wakes up.
GEORGE
Mr. Tuttle, you're back.
TUTTLE
George, I'm surprised to see you here.
GEORGE
You are?
TUTTLE
I though you would have taken the large
office.
GEORGE
Oh. Really.
TUTTLE
I guess I didn't make that clear when
I hired you. So where's that Pensky
file? Let's see what
you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have
you been doing all week?
GEORGE
Well you missed a lovely little party
that we had for Grace.
TUTTLE
You haven't done anything with this.
GEORGE
Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller
office.
TUTTLE
I'm beginning to wonder if you understand
anything.
GEORGE
You are aware that Pensky is interested
in me.
TUTTLE
(scoffs) You're not Pensky material.
GEORGE
Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta,
Tut-tle.
At Jerry's apartment.
Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They
are both sobbing.
At the barber shop.
"Barber of Seville" music is playing.
Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving
a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks
at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward
Newman. Newman is very frightened.
(commercial)
PENSKY
Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the
wrong impression. What is was going
to say was, now you
are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself
included, and we're prohibited from doing
business until the investigation is completed. So obviously,
we would have no use for you.
GEORGE
Obviously.
*buzz*
PENSKY
Yes.
SECRETARY
(over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr.
Costanza's car is being towed.
George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville"
plays.
THE END
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