THE BEARD
Written by
Carol Leifer
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Look at you. Why don't you use a fork?
You're no good with the sticks.
ELAINE
I know. I need a lesson.
JERRY
You stink. You know you stink. What
is this?
ELAINE
Oh. My ballet tickets.
JERRY
Oh. Your ballet tickets.
ELAINE
Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?
JERRY
No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.
ELAINE
You know, I'm going as a beard.
JERRY
A beard?
ELAINE
Yeah. This friend of a friend knows
this banker guy, he's, I don't know,
30 years, unbelievably
gorgeous, of course he's gay.
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
So anyway his boss has a box at the
Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake,
which is fine, but he's
afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going
along as his date.
JERRY
Why are you doing this?
ELAINE
Swan Lake, at the Met.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.
ELAINE
Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks
in that thing?
KRAMER
I think he looks fantastic.
ELAINE
Oh, come on.
KRAMER
No, I never realized what an attractive
man he is.
George enters, wearing a toupee.
GEORGE
Hey, people, people, people, people,
people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.
ELAINE
You look ridiculous in that thing.
GEORGE
Is that so? Or could it be that you're
just a *little* bit worried that you
may have missed the boat?
ELAINE
Well I think they might have sutured
that thing to your brain.
GEORGE
Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead,
deride, deride if you must. But let
me tell you something, with
my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now?
I am in the game. I no longer defer to the
coifed. I'm a player.
KRAMER
You know I just thought of something.
I know this gorgeous woman, she called
me up this
morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know
of anyone she could meet. Now you can
go out with her.
JERRY
Well what about me?
KRAMER
No I think he's got you beat buddy.
GEORGE
So she's gorgeous.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was,
five years ago.
GEORGE
Well have you got a picture?
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
Well, I have to see her.
KRAMER
Hey, I know what we can do. I've got
a friend who works over at the police
station. He's a
composite artist.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw
a picture of her for you.
GEORGE
Oh I would love that. You think he'd
really do it?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. I think he will.
JERRY
It sounds like an excellent idea.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm
going to give it to a homeless person.
Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.
GEORGE
Well I'm very excited about this. I've
always wanted to see how those sketch
artists do it.
KRAMER
Here you go brother. Some food for you.
HOMELESS MAN
Thank you. You're a good man. Bless
you.
KRAMER
Now are you going to be here in an hour?
HOMELESS MAN
Where am I going?
(commercial)
At the police station.
KRAMER
Oh that's good, that's good. Make the
eyes, uh, what's that nut?
LOU
Almond?
KRAMER
Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller.
Poutier.
GEORGE
Pouty? I like that.
JERRY
You can't go wrong with pouty.
GEORGE
I'm excited about the pouty.
LOU
All right I think that about does it.
KRAMER
All right George, come on, take a look.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.
JERRY
Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?
LOU
Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer.
You want to meet her?
Walking down the street.
GEORGE
Well this worked out okay. So are you
going to see the police woman?
JERRY
Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea
of having the law on my side.
KRAMER
Hey, man. Enjoy the food?
HOMELESS MAN
Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn
to cook like that?
KRAMER
Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware
now.
HOMELESS MAN
I don't think so.
KRAMER
Woah, woah, that's mine.
HOMELESS MAN
You gave it to me.
KRAMER
No, no, I didn't say you could keep
it. You see I don't give away tupperware.
HOMELESS MAN
You should have said something.
KRAMER
I didn't think I had to. Look with a
piece of Tupperware you just assume.
At the ballet.
ROBERT
I've really got to thank you for this.
ELAINE
Well by now, you think people would
be a little more open minded.
ROBERT
Really. Would you excuse me? I have
to run to the bathroom.
BOSS' WIFE
So, um, you and Robert.
ELAINE
Yes indeed.
BOSS
I'm surprised.
ELAINE
Really. Why?
BOSS
No reason.
ELAINE
Well believe me this didn't happen overnight.
Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman*
*man*, if
you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of
ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his
sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here
tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in
watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's
those two halves of his personality that just
come together to make him the very special guy that he is.
Robert comes back.
ELAINE
Oh, hi honey.
Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him.
At Monk's.
ELAINE
Oh it was such a great night.
JERRY
And did they suspect anything?
ELAINE
No, I was a fantastic beard. I held
hands, I called him honey.
JERRY
And we discover yet another talent.
Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
ELAINE
Oh it was such a great night. Oh.
JERRY
You said that already.
ELAINE
Oh I did?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Oh.
JERRY
Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?
ELAINE
He's incredible.
JERRY
Yeah, but?
ELAINE
Yeah, I know.
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
ELAINE
Well it did occur to me.
JERRY
You think you can get him to just change
teams? He's not going to suddenly switch
sides. Forget
about it.
ELAINE
Why? Is it irrevocable?
JERRY
Because when you join that team it's
not a whim. He likes his team. He's
set with that team.
ELAINE
We've got a good team.
JERRY
Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
ELAINE
Why can't he play for us?
JERRY
They're only comfortable with *their*
equipment.
ELAINE
We just got along *so* great.
JERRY
Of course you did. Everyone gets along
great when there's no possibility of
sex.
ELAINE
No, no, no, I sensed something. I did
sense something. I perceived a possibility
Jerry.
JERRY
You realize you're venturing into uncharted
waters.
ELAINE
I realize that.
JERRY
Are you that desperate?
ELAINE
Yes I am.
At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.
JERRY
So are you going to bring your gun?...
All right, then it's settled. First
date, no weapons... All right
I'll see you then... Okay, bye.
Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.
JERRY
What are you looking for?
KRAMER
Tupperware.
JERRY
Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.
KRAMER
I knew this was going to happen. I just
made a delicious casserole, but now
it won't keep because
I have no Tupperware.
JERRY
What about a plastic bag?
KRAMER
You must be kidding.
JERRY
What is the difference?
KRAMER
The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in
freshness.
George enters.
GEORGE
So I spoke a little to your little friend
Denise last night.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, you talked to her.
GEORGE
Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about
you.
KRAMER
Yeah well we go way back.
GEORGE
Why didn't anything happen between you
two?
KRAMER
Who's to say it didn't?
JERRY
So did you describe yourself to her
over the phone?
GEORGE
Yes I did.
JERRY
What did you say to her?
GEORGE
What do you think I said?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I told her the truth.
JERRY
As you see it?
GEORGE
Yes, as I see it.
JERRY
Did you tell her about, uh, your little
hat there?
GEORGE
What hat?
JERRY
You know, you're little hair hat there.
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Don't you think she could tell?
KRAMER
No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect
match. Beautiful job.
JERRY
Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's
nest two blocks away.
GEORGE
You only think that because you know
me.
JERRY
Have you noticed people staring at your
head?
GEORGE
I noticed people staring at my head
because they like what they see.
JERRY
Well I think you should either take
it off or tell her about it.
KRAMER
No he's not going to take it off. If
he was going to go over there bald,
I never would have
introduced him.
GEORGE
Look, I guarantee she won't know.
KRAMER
Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going
to go down to the precinct. I'm going
to have lunch with Lou.
JERRY
Oh, I'll split a cab with you.
Walking down the street.
KRAMER
Hey I'm really sorry about the other
day. Really sorry.
Kramer drops something into the man's cup.
HOMELESS MAN
Hey that's my coffee!
At the police station
JERRY
Hi Sarge.
TIERNEY
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our
lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of
you guys want to be in
the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?
KRAMER
Sure. I will.
TIERNEY
Perfect. Just go over there with officer
Lampert.
In the lineup room.
6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.
OVER THE SPEAKER
All of you, turn to the left.
Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.
OVER THE SPEAKER
The left.
Kramer turns left.
OVER THE SPEAKER
Now turn to the right.
Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance.
At Monk's.
GEORGE
(thinking to himself) Oh my god, there
she is. That's the face, just like the
picture.
DENISE
George?
GEORGE
Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.
DENISE
Likewise. Have you been waiting long?
GEORGE
No, no. I just got here. A few minutes
ago.
DENISE
Good, good.
GEORGE
Well why don't you take off your hat
and stay awhile.
Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is
still on George. His expression changes to surprise.
At the police station.
JERRY
What's that?
TIERNEY
A polygraph. It's what you civilians
call a lie detector test.
JERRY
Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is
lying, is it true that their pants are
actually on fire?
TIERNEY
If I could tell you the famous faces
that have been up here. A certain cast
member of Melrose
Place.
JERRY
Really.
TIERNEY
Have you ever seen the show?
JERRY
No.
TIERNEY
You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.
JERRY
I admit it. I don't watch it.
TIERNEY
Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on
the poly.
JERRY
The poly?
TIERNEY
Yeah. I think you've seen it.
At Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
Melrose Place?
JERRY
Yes. Melrose Place.
ELAINE
I just didn't know you watched that.
JERRY
Well I do.
ELAINE
I mean every time I mention it you never
say anything or join in the conversation.
JERRY
Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.
ELAINE
You mean this whole time we could have
been discussing Sydney and Michael and
Jane...
JERRY
And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes
we could have discussed it.
ELAINE
Why? Why were you so embarrassed?
JERRY
The point is I'm going to be taking
this lie detector test and that needle's
going to be going wild.
ELAINE
That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just
confess?
JERRY
It's too stupid to confess. Look at
what I'm confessing to.
ELAINE
So what are you going to do?
JERRY
I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
ELAINE
Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
JERRY
Hey you know what? I have access to
one of the most deceitful, duplicitous,
deceptive minds of our
time. Who better to advise me?
Elaine takes a drink of something.
ELAINE
Oh god this tastes terrible.
JERRY
Did you shake it up?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
You gotta shake it up.
ELAINE
No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got
to shake everything.
Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.
JERRY
Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is
killing me.
ELAINE
So, I'm going out tonight with Robert
and the boss and his wife.
JERRY
So tonight are you going to make the
move?
ELAINE
Yeah, I think I might.
George enters.
JERRY
Hey there he is. So what happened? Could
she detect it?
GEORGE
That's an interesting question.
JERRY
How so?
GEORGE
How so? I'll tell you how so. She's
bald!
ELAINE
What do you mean bald?
GEORGE
What do you think I mean bald? Bald.
Bald bald.
JERRY
She's bald?
GEORGE
She's bald.
ELAINE
Oh come on.
GEORGE
Oh come on? No come on. She took off
her hat and there she was (waving his
hand over his
head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.
ELAINE
Well maybe she got a haircut or something.
GEORGE
Let me tell you something. No one walks
into a beauty parlor and says "Give
me the Larry Fine."
JERRY
Women go bald?
ELAINE
Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they
usually wear a wig.
Kramer enters.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
You fixed me up with a bald woman.
Kramer flinches.
KRAMER
Bald?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right.
ELAINE
Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting
somebody because they're bald.
GEORGE
So?
ELAINE
(puts her hands up to her mouth) You're
bald!
GEORGE
No I'm not. I *was* bald.
Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.
GEORGE
Elaine.
Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens
the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the
toupee and runs to the window.
GEORGE
No, no, no Elaine.
ELAINE
(shouting) I don't like this thing.
And here's what I'm doing with it.
She tosses the toupee out the window.
GEORGE
Nooooo.
He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.
Outside.
The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee.
He puts it on.
At Elaine's apartment.
ROBERT
Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with
me?
ELAINE
Well I figured that's what couples do.
ROBERT
You almost convinced me we were a couple.
ELAINE
Well it was easy. Really.
ROBERT
Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.
ELAINE
Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like
to come, upstairs?
ROBERT
Upstairs?
ELAINE
Yeah. Upstairs?
ROBERT
Elaine...
ELAINE
I was hoping you know, that you might
be interested in... changing teams?
ROBERT
Changing teams?
ELAINE
Have you ever thought about it?
ROBERT
But I'm a starting shortstop.
ELAINE
Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.
At Monk's.
GEORGE
I tell you, when she threw that toupee
out the window, it was the best thing
that ever happened to
me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely
insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a
pleasure.
JERRY
Good to have you back.
GEORGE
And you know what else I've decided
to do? I'm going to keep seeing the
bald woman.
JERRY
She's as good as anybody else.
GEORGE
Her scalp was clean. She had a nice
skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair
on it.
JERRY
Yeah you've had like a religious awakening.
You're like a bald-again.
GEORGE
Going to need a little more coffee here.
JERRY
So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
GEORGE
I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
JERRY
Come on, you've got the gift. You're
the only one that can help me.
GEORGE
Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to
Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
JERRY
All right, well I've got to go take
this test. I can't believe I'm doing
this.
GEORGE
Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie...
if you believe it.
Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.
ELAINE
Hey, I did it.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
I turned him. He defected.
JERRY
Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did
you do that?
ELAINE
Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her
hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-
boom.
JERRY
Elaine, do you know what you've done?
You've give hope to every woman who's
ever said "Too
bad he's gay".
ELAINE
Well it's a lesson for the kids out
there. Anything's possible. Jeromy,
I have *hit* the jackpot.
The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.
At the police station.
Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk
into the room. They stand there for a few
moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left.
He then tilts his head a few times to the man
on his left.
Elsewhere at the police station.
Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.
LOU
What's your name?
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld.
LOU
What is your address?
JERRY
129 West 81st street.
LOU
Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
JERRY
I don't know.
Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on
the paper.
LOU
Did Billy sleep with Allison's best
friend?
JERRY
I don't know.
Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on
the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney
look at each other.
LOU
Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and
take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did
she enjoy it?
JERRY
I don't know.
LOU
Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
JERRY
(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot.
He left her for Kimberly, he slept with
her sister. He tricked
her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead
and sleeps with him again. I mean she's
crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she
makes me so mad.
He picks up his coat and leaves.
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
He went back? What do you mean he went
back?
ELAINE
He went back.
JERRY
I don't understand it. You were having
such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
ELAINE
Well here's the thing. Being a woman,
I only really have access to the, uh...
equipment, what,
thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week.
How can I be expected to have the same
expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access
to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire
lives.
JERRY
You can't. That's why they lose very
few players.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess I never really stood a
chance.
JERRY
Well there's always a place for you,
on our team.
ELAINE
Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose
Place on?
JERRY
Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.
ELAINE
Okay.
George enters.
JERRY
Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.
ELAINE
Hey George, I am *really* proud of you.
I really do admire what you've done.
GEORGE
Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's
proud of me Jerry.
ELAINE
What is the matter?
GEORGE
I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald
woman rejected me. Heh, you like that
one? A woman
with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type.
Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.
KRAMER
Well I'll tell you what I think. I think
she saw you with that piece off and
was devastated. You
blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him.
Didn't you?
ELAINE
I didn't ruin anything. He looked like
an idiot. He did, and it made him act
like a jerk.
JERRY
All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose
Place is coming on.
Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.
JERRY
Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just
so smug.
(commercial)
At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.
KRAMER
Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man.
You again? Boy, you're a slippery one.
You'd better
straighten up and fly right buddy boy.
MAN
I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry
store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize
anybody in the
lineup?
HOMELESS MAN
That's the guy officer. The guy there
in the middle. The tall guy with the,
with the high
hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.
MAN
Hey you, you with the high hair, step
forward.
KRAMER
Me?
THE END
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