THE BIZARRO JERRY
Written by
David Mandel
(JERRY and GEORGE are eating at
an outdoor table, possibly in a
zoo.)
JERRY
All right. How 'bout this one:
let's say you're abducted by aliens.
GEORGE
Fine.
JERRY
They haul you aboard the mother
ship, take you back to their planet
as a curiosity. Now: would you
rather be in their zoo, or their
circus?
GEORGE
I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could
set more of my own schedule.
JERRY
But in the circus you get to ride
around in the train, see the whole
planet!
GEORGE
I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin'
through fire.. They're puttin'
their little alien heads in my
mouth..
JERRY
(resigned) At least it's show business..
GEORGE
But in the zoo, you know, they
might, put a woman in there with
me to uh.. you know, get me to
mate.
JERRY
What if she's got no interest in
you?
GEORGE
W--then I'm pretty much where I
am now. At least I got to take
a ride on a spaceship.
(TIME: 00:43)
(Commercial Break)
(Exterior long shot: looking up
at an office building)
(Interior of office reception area
of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY,
and KRAMER come in. They calmly
keep it quiet.)
KRAMER
George, why couldn't I use the
bathroom in that store?
GEORGE
Krama, trust me, this is the best
bathroom in midtown!
KRAMER
(frustrated) Wha??
JERRY
(dry) He knows.
GEORGE
{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite
marble! High ceilings. An' a flush,
like a jet engine! (imitates sound)
Ha ha!
KRAMER
(impressed) Now, listen, uh. You
better not wait. I'll catch you
later.
GEORGE
You sure?
JERRY
(dry) He knows.
(KRAMER goes on his mission and
they're waiting for the elevator
as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives,
not noticing them.
She could be a model.)
GEORGE
Wow.
Nice.
JERRY
Why don't you try your engagement
story?
GEORGE
(considers, but got into elevator)
Won't work.
JERRY
Are you sure?
GEORGE
(wry) He knows.
(Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN,
a geekish nice guy in a red jacket,
are eating at a table. ELAINE is
a little bored,
dreading.)
ELAINE
Look. Kevin. I really like you,
heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd
be, better off just being.. friends.
(takes a bite of her
SANDWICH)
KEVIN
Friends?
ELAINE
Well. I mean. (distracted by the
food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes
like an old sponge.
KEVIN
Friends. Yeah! Why not friends?
I might like to try that! Like
you an' Jerry!
(Men's room door. Flush sound and
"Wooo!".)
(Down the hall, a MAN in a suit
is trying to use the copier as
KRAMER comes out of the men's room
affecting nonchalance.)
MAN
(frustrated) Damn thing is jammed
again..
KRAMER
You know what happens with these?
The rollers, they get flat spots
on 'em. (hits button several times
and whacks it)
MAN #2
(rushing by, tense) Hey Leland
wants everyone in the conference
room right now.
MAN
Come on, let's go.
KRAMER
(absently wants to be part of it)
Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)
(Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE
at a booth.)
ELAINE
(to JERRY) Remember I was telling
you about Gillian, my friend who
writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue?
I really think you
should give her a call.
JERRY
(doubtful) I don't know, do you
have a--
(ELAINE has anticipated the question,
gives him her picture.)
JERRY
Not bad. Wuh--what does she--
ELAINE
(dry) I put her stats on the back.
JERRY
Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend
'92 to '95." Owns her own car..
"Favorite president: James Polk!"
(ELAINE had
echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it)
GEORGE
Hnn! Let me see that.
JERRY
(hands it to him as he asks ELAINE)
So how'd it go with Kevin? Did
you, steel-toe his ass back to
Kentucky?
ELAINE
(laughs in appreciation) You are
not gonna believe this! I told
him that I just wanted to be friends.
He's fine with it. He really
wants to be friends.
JERRY
Why would anybody want a friend.
ELAINE
(dread) Uh.
It's really not that bad, actually.
He said he'd even go with me to
the Museum of Miniatures. This
is something you would never
ever do.
JERRY
I mean all that stuff is so small..
((ELAINE is wryly assessing him))
stupid..
GEORGE
(still looking at that picture)
You know if I told my engagement
story to that receptionist, but
told her this, was my fiancée..
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Don't you see. Women like that
are like, members of a secret tribe
living in a forbidden city. People
like me have not been
inside in thousands of years..
But with this, it's like I've already
been with one of her own! My hands
been stamped! I come
and go as I please!
ELAINE
(wry, not impressed) Well you cracked
it! I warned the Queen you were
gettin' close an', now it looks
like we're gonna have to
move the whole damn forbidden city.
(chuckles with JERRY)
GEORGE
(getting up) Can I keep this?
ELAINE
No, I need it.
GEORGE
(absently leaving with it) Thanks.
(The Brand/Leland office reception
area. GEORGE comes in off elevator
to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).)
GEORGE
Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr.
Art Vandelay..
AMANDA
I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr.
Vandelay here..
GEORGE
(taking out wallet) Well, let me.
Heh. Let me just eh.. check an',
make sure I have the right man--ha!
Heh, heh, heh!
Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently
dropped the photo into her view)
AMANDA
Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?
GEORGE
(humble) Well, if you must know,
shhhe, was my fiancée, Susan. May
she rest in peace.
AMANDA
Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm
Amanda.
GEORGE
(shaking hands) I'm George.
(As they continue talking, MAN3
and KRAMER go to the elevator.)
MAN3
Good work today, K-man!
KRAMER
Well, you know what they say, you
don't sell the steak, you sell
the sizzle.
MAN3
Heh, heh!
KRAMER
{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}
MAN3
In that case, make mine a double!
(They yuck it up, getting on the
elevator.)
(Night at a restaurant. JERRY and
GILLIAN meet.)
GILLIAN
Jerry?
JERRY
Gillian. Hiii..
GILLIAN
Very nice to meet you.
JERRY
It's nice to meet you!
(They're shaking hands and he notices
hers are like a man's--nice enough,
but big, beefy.)
(Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE
are in a booth.)
JERRY
She had man-hands.
ELAINE
(pause) Man, Hands?
JERRY
The hands of a man. It's like a
creature out of Greek Mythology,
I mean, she was like part woman,
part horrible beast.
ELAINE
(weary) {Look,} would you, prefer
it, if she had, no hands at all?
JERRY
Would she have hooks?
ELAINE
Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive,
Jerry?
JERRY
Kinda cool lookin'..
ELAINE
(getting up to go) Uh.. Listen,
you're picking me up from my {place
tomorrow}--
JERRY
(leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.
ELAINE
Okay, I've got five, huge boxes
of {buttons}.
JERRY
Right. Well if you need an extra
set of hands, I know who you can
call--
ELAINE
(weary) Jerry!
(Early morning in Jerry's "house,"
a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's
cooking breakfast as JERRY comes
out of the bedroom,
tired but surprised. He's in his
pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit
and oven mitts.)
JERRY
Kramer?!
KRAMER
Hey buddy! Hey!
JERRY
It--eight o'clock in the morning!
What the hell is goin' on?!
KRAMER
Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland
by nine.
JERRY
Why??
KRAMER
Because I'm workin' there, that's
why.
JERRY
(disoriented) How long have I been
asleep? What--what year is this?
KRAMER
Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed,
but lately, I've been drifting,
aimlessly?
JERRY
(snaps fingers) Now that you mention
it.
KRAMER
But I finally realized what's missing,
in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland,
I'm gettin' things done. An' I
love the people I'm
workin' with.
JERRY
How much are they payin' you?
KRAMER
Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want
any pay.
I'm doin' this just for me.
JERRY
Really. So uh, what do you do down
there all day?
KRAMER
T.C.B.
You know, takin' care o' business.
Aa--I gotta go.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
(leaving) I'll see you tonight,
huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase)
Forget my briefcase.
JERRY
W-w-wha' you got in there?
KRAMER
(as he leaves with it) Crackers.
(MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning
Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies
assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:
Getting on the subway (everyone
else is going the opposite direction).
Washing his shoes at the water
cooler.
Eating rolls of crackers out of
his briefcase.
Laughing it up after hours with
co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.)
(JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE
is on the other end.)
JERRY
So the picture worked. Amazing!
GEORGE
Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart
casual." What uh, what is that?
JERRY
I don't know, but you don't have
it.
GEORGE
Right. Bye.
(ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging
at JERRY. He doesn't know why so
shrugs back.)
ELAINE
Where were you today?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Pick. Up.
JERRY
(whispers) Damn.
ELAINE
So? Where were you?!
JERRY
Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I
went out and picked up a paper.
ELAINE
(irritated, throwing down her bag)
I had to ask Kevin, to leave his
office an' come an' pick me up!
JERRY
So? What are friends for?
ELAINE
Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry.
He is reliable. He is considerate.
He's like your, exact opposite.
JERRY
So he's Bizarro Jerry!
ELAINE
(pause) Bizarro Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's
exact opposite, who lives in the
backwards bizarro world. Up is
Down. Down is
Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves,
"Good bye" when he arrives.
ELAINE
(pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"?
Isn't that the, opposite of "Good
bye"?
JERRY
No. It's still a goodbye.
ELAINE
Uh. Does he live underwater?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Is he black..
JERRY
Look. Just, forget it, {already}.
All right?
(KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.)
KRAMER
Wow. Man. What a day.
Could I use a drink. (starts getting
a drink and ice)
JERRY
Tough day at the office?
KRAMER
Just comin' in, an' that phone
just wouldn't stop.
JERRY
Well, we better get goin' if we're
gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock
cold fusion.
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'.
Old man Leland is bustin' my hump
over these reports. If I don't
get 'em done by nine,
I'm toast.. ({takes a swig and
reacts})
(Exterior of cheap-looking bar
with neon "V"s on the outside.
Then interior, it's a black-walled
dance bar full of gorgeous
women and GEORGE and AMANDA.)
GEORGE
This is a fantastic place! I always
thought it was a meat packing plant!
(Three female MODELS come up to
them.)
MODEL #1
Hey! Amanda!
AMANDA
These are my friends. Anabelle,
Justina, and Nikki. We used to
model together.
GEORGE
Oh! Modelling! What's that like?
Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid!
AMANDA
So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this
time?
MODEL #2
(petulant) A bore.
GEORGE
You know, I used to love Paris.
My uh, dead Fiancée, Susan.. (opening
wallet) In fact I. think I, I may
have a picture of her..
(shows them the picture)
MODEL #3
(awed) Wow.. She was beautiful..
Do you wanna dance?
(Exterior of a restaurant.)
(Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands
tearing restaurant bread in half.)
(GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in
a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his
horror of her hands.)
GILLIAN
Would you like some bread, Jerry?
JERRY
No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.
GILLIAN
Well, then at least drink your
beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief
closeup on hands)
JERRY
(to self) Oh. Twist off..
GILLIAN
You have a little something on
your face.
JERRY
I can get it. (feeling his face)
GILLIAN
Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing
it, it's higher. (reaches over)
(A close-up of his face while a
man-hand is getting the very small
thing. He's uneasy.)
GILLIAN
(friendly) It's an eyelash. Make
a wish.
(Closeup of his face with her outstretched
finger in front of him.)
JERRY
I don't want to.
GILLIAN
Make a wish.
JERRY
Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her
finger, opens eyes, says to self)
Didn't come true.
GILLIAN
(smiles at him) Don't you just
love lobster?
(Closeup of her man-hands tearing
open a lobster.)
(Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking
into Reggie's diner.)
KEVIN
That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.
ELAINE
I know, he's so tiny!
(Two guys are sitting in a booth
and KEVIN sees them, motioning
ELAINE to come along.)
KEVIN
Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit
down. These are a couple o' my
friends. Uh, this is Gene. And
this guy, we.. just call
"Feldman!"
(GENE is short and bald with glasses.
Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking.
ELAINE sits with them.)
ELAINE
(to self in head) Bizarro world..
(TIME: 10:33)
(Commercial Break)
(Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.)
GEORGE
(delighted) Jerry? It was incredible!
Models! As far as the eye could
see!
JERRY
Then it does exist.
GEORGE
Yes. The legends are true.
JERRY
So when are you goin' out with
this girl again?
GEORGE
I'm not! I'm inside the walls!
JERRY
So you're gonna burn that bridge.
GEORGE
Flame on!
(Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN
are at a booth when ELAINE comes
and sits with them.)
GENE
(about the check) I got it.
KEVIN
(grabs it) No. You got it last
time.
GENE
(calmly takes it) Don't worry about
it.
ELAINE
(to self in head) This is unbelievable..
FELDMAN
Hey Elaine, what do you think of
an alarm clock, that automatically
tells you the weather when you
wake up?
ELAINE
Well, I gotta say that I think
that that is a fantastic idea,
Feldman!
FELDMAN
Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.
KEVIN
(getting up) Well. See ya later,
Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta
get down 'o the library. (the three
guys are leaving)
ELAINE
What are you gonna do down there?
KEVIN
Read!
ELAINE
(pause, then vaguely waves while
watching them leave) Hello?
(At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating
breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied
with the paper, JERRY's in a blue
robe
eating cereal and orange juice.)
JERRY
So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later.
I think I'm gonna end it.
KRAMER
Uh-huh.
JERRY
Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm
dating George the Animal, {steer}.
KRAMER
Yeah..
JERRY
Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator
an' sell tickets.
KRAMER
That's nice..
JERRY
Kramer, put the paper down! You
never listen to me anymore! We
hardly even talk!
KRAMER
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't
we?--
JERRY
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes
in the morning--
KRAMER
Oh here we go--
JERRY
An' then when you come home at
night, you're always exhausted--we
never do anything anymore!
KRAMER
What are you starting with me for?
You know this is my crazy time
o' year?!
JERRY
(pause) It's your third day..
KRAMER
(grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta
go to work. We'll talk about this
later. (leaves)
JERRY
Well.
(calling down the hall) Call if
you're gonna be late!
(ELAINE's arrived.)
ELAINE
What? What is goin' on with you
two?
JERRY
Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..
ELAINE
All right, listen. Have you seen
my addre-- (sees address book on
counter) --ah! There it is. Okay.
I got it. I'll see you later.
(LEAVING)
JERRY
Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second!
Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever
see you anymore.
ELAINE
(stops, pause) Well, I.
(a little ashamed) I guess I been
at Reggie's..
JERRY
The Bizarro coffeeshop?
ELAINE
Kevin and his friends are nice
people! They do good things. They
read..
JERRY
I read.
ELAINE
Books, Jerry.
JERRY
(pause) Oh.
Big deal..
ELAINE
Well! I can't spend the rest of
my life coming into this stinking
apartment every ten minutes to
pore over the, excruciating
minutia, of every, single, daily
event..
JERRY
{What's goin' on,} like yesterday,
I go to the bank to make a deposit,
an' the teller gives me this look,
like--
ELAINE
I'll see you later man. I gotta
go.
JERRY
(frustrated, to self) The whole
system is breakin' down!
(GEORGE in his bathroom, drying
his hair, looking at Gillian's
picture. In the background, on
a door, is a poster of a closeup
of
Dennis Franz in black and white.
The phone rings and GEORGE puts
the picture and blow-drier together
on the side of the
sink--the dryer's still running.)
GEORGE
Hello?
Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know,
I'm thinkin', we might just be
better of bein' friends.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what, I can't even
really talk about it right now.
Bye-bye. (hangs up)
(happy with himself, but then sees
the burned up photo) No! No!
(At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.)
GILLIAN
Friends. Just friends.
JERRY
Yeah.
GILLIAN
Yeah.
All right. Well, do you still want
to see a movie later?
JERRY
I wish I could, but, we're friends..
GILLIAN
I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.
JERRY
Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes
to it)
(muttering) There's a beach towel
on the rack..
(to phone) Yeah.
GEORGE
(frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my
hair-dryer ruined the picture!
An' I need another one or I can't
get back into the
forbidden city!
JERRY
(to drive him crazy) Who is this..
GEORGE
Jerry! I need you to get another
picture of man-hands. I'm beggin'
you!
JERRY
(pause) If I get it for you, will
you take me to that club an' show
me a good time?
GEORGE
Yes! Yes, all right--anything!
(JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's
taking forever--she's got quite
a job there. He opens her purse
and peeks
around in it. Close-up of his hand
getting the picture.)
JERRY
Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs
his arm) Uh!
(Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY
is sitting at the table waiting
up as KRAMER comes in and turns
on the light.)
KRAMER
Jerry. Hey Jerry?
JERRY
I'm right here. (note: he has an
athletic bandage on his right hand)
You're late.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I got held up, you
know. What happened to your hand?
JERRY
Like you care.
KRAMER
The work piled up, I lost track
of time--
JERRY
(calmly getting up with plate of
chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an'
your work! Elaine's off in the
Bizarro World, George only
calls when he wants something,
an' I'm left sitting here like
this plate of cold chicken, which,
by the way, (drops chicken into
sink) was, for two.
KRAMER
You cooked?
JERRY
(calm) I ordered in. It's still
effort.
KRAMER
(in pain) Ow! Jeez!
JERRY
What's wrong?
KRAMER
{Ow!} It's my stomach.
JERRY
You're probably gettin' an ulcer.
This job is killing you! It's killing
Us.
KRAMER
(putting briefcase down) You know
what? You're right. These reports,
they can wait a couple of hours.
Whadda say we go out
tonight? Any place you want.
JERRY
The coffeeshop?
KRAMER
You got it, buddy.
JERRY
(pleased) I'll call George!
(Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY,
and KRAMER walking down the street.
Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming
out of a
shop by a liquor store.)
JERRY
Hey. Isn't that Elaine?
GEORGE
(quiet, desperate) Maybe she can
get me another picture of man-hands.
(calling) Elaine!
JERRY
Elaine!
KRAMER
Elaine!
ALL THREE
Elaine! Elaine!
(ELAINE finally notices them, but
suddenly from the other direction,
three other guys are coming: GENE,
KEVIN, and
FELDMAN.)
KEVIN
Hey! Elaine!
Hi-i! Over here!
(Eerie music as ELAINE looks one
way, then the other. All the MEN
continue walking toward her. They
all meet by her. To
the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE,
and FELDMAN. To the right of her
are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY.
It's like
a bizarre mirroring.)
ELAINE
Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is
Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.
(The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..",
"Good to meet you..")
JERRY
(quietly crept out) This is really
weird..
(KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of
Pepto Bismol.)
ELAINE
(diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE,
and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse
us, just for a moment.
KEVIN
Sure. (strolls away with his friends)
ELAINE
(pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE,
and KRAMER) What.. what do you
guys want..
GEORGE
Elaine, I got to have another picture
of Gillian.
JERRY
I tried to get him one but Man-Hands
almost ripped my arm out of the
socket!
(While the three argue briefly,
ELAINE looks over to see where
KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are
friendly giving a beggar
money.)
KEVIN
{Here ya are.}
ELAINE
(pause, turns back to JERRY et
al.) Guys. I gotta go.
Take it easy.
(GEORGE tentatively follows her
a couple steps.)
GEORGE
Elaine?
(she turns, sighing)
Can I come?
ELAINE
I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already
got a George..
(KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely
turn to ELAINE as she joins them.
They all go on companionably. JERRY,
GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.)
(Day, interior of Brand/Leland,
KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's
a greying man.)
KRAMER
What did you want to see me about,
Mr. Leland?
LELAND
Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your
work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.
KRAMER
Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble
at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you
know, I'll work harder, nights,
weekends, whatever it takes..
LELAND
No, no, I don't think that's going
to, do it, uh. These reports you
handed in. It's almost as if you
have no business training at all..
I don't know what this is supposed
to be!
KRAMER
Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get
ahead..
LELAND
Well, I'm sorry. There's just no
way that we could keep you on.
KRAMER
I don't even really work here!
LELAND
That's what makes this so difficult.
(Night, GEORGE at the forbidden
city.)
GEORGE
Hi. George.
MODEL #4
Are you sure you're supposed to
be here?
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come
here all the time with my fiancée,
back when it was a meat-packing
plant. Ha. Here's her
picture. (hands her a magazine
page)
MODEL #4
What'd you do? Cut this out of
a magazine or something?
GEORGE
Huh?
MODEL #5
That's me? It's from a Clinique
ad I did..
GEORGE
Ha! Heh.
(Muscled BOUNCER comes up.)
BOUNCER
Let's go. Private party. (escorts
him out)
(Night, Kevin's apartment. The
doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to
get it. GENE is reading on the
couch. The apartment layout
and furniture is the reverse of
Jerry's--what's to the left in
Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's.
Also, Kevin's furnishings have
more
earth tones.)
KEVIN
Who is it?
ELAINE
(off-camera) It's Lainey!
KEVIN
(unlocks, opens door)
Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)
ELAINE
Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
KEVIN
Come on in!
ELAINE
Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses
her bag to the left, it falls on
the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks
up her bag, puts it on a chair
that's to the right)
(As KEVIN gets back to reading,
ELAINE looks around, noting how
everything is the reverse. There's
a unicycle on the wall.
There's a bookcase near the couch.
She goes to the kitchen. He has
whole foods, not cereal boxes.)
ELAINE
What's up?
KEVIN
(friendly) Just reading..
(ELAINE decides to make herself
at home, opens the refrigerator
and starts eating olives out of
a jar, with her fingers. In the
living room area, KEVIN is looking
at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro
Superman on a stereo speaker.)
KEVIN
Hey.. What're you doing?
ELAINE
Eatin' olives.
KEVIN
Have you ever heard of asking?
(door bell rings)
Who is it?
FELDMAN
(off-screen) Feldman..
From across the hall.
KEVIN
(drops his suspicion and smiles,
goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks
and opens door)
Hey.
FELDMAN
He-ey, Kevin!
KEVIN
Hi.
FELDMAN
Look who I ran into.
(VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes
into view in the hall.)
VARGUS
(testy) Hello, Kevin..
KEVIN
(testy) Hello, Vargus..
(They both break into grins, chuckling--it
was a joke.)
KEVIN
Ya wanna catch a ballgame this
weekend?
VARGUS
Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves)
KEVIN
Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus..
(to FELDMAN) {So?}
FELDMAN
I got 'em..
KEVIN
All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman
was able to get us all tickets
to the Bolshoi!
ELAINE
Oh! (comes to him)
KEVIN
(enthused) Fourth row, center.
ELAINE
Get out! (pushes him back, but
he falls back on the floor!)
(GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN,
who's hurt!)
GENE
(to ELAINE) What is the matter
with you?
ELAINE
Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there
anything I can do?
GENE?
Haven't you done enough already?
(Embarrassed, she grabs her bag
and tries to leave. But the locks
are set and the rape chain's in
place. She tries to undo the
locks.)
ELAINE
(turning to them, awkward) It's
locked..
(The meat-packing plant. GEORGE
and JERRY are walking around. The
walls are still black, but there's
no furniture and there
are sides of beef hanging on hooks,
sawdust on the floor. They are
the only people there. GEORGE is
dismayed, and bumps
into a side of beef in his distraction.)
JERRY
So this is it, huh?
GEORGE
But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin'
you, an' w--w--it was really here!
The, there was, a, bar, and a,
an' a dance floor..
JERRY
(dry) I guess the DJ booth was
over there behind the bone saw?
(really disappointed) Get out of
here George.
(Shot of their feet in the sawdust
as they walk out. There is the
magazine photo GEORGE had brought
there the previous night.)
(TIME: 10:52)
(Commercial Break)
(Day, exterior of an apartment
building. As credits run, the familiar
Seinfeld interlude music, but done
via corny "Brady
Bunch"-esque sound effects.)
(Interior of Kevin's apartment.
GENE and KEVIN are talking.)
GENE
At work today, I discovered there's
a payphone in the lobby that has
free long distance.
KEVIN
Oh, so what did you do?
GENE
I called the phone company an'
immediately reported the error.
KEVIN
Nice.
(doorbell rings)
Who is it?
FELDMAN
(off-screen) Feldman..
From across the hall.
KEVIN
(smiles, relieved) Hold on.
(GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN
goes to unlock and open the door.
FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags
of groceries.)
FELDMAN
Kevin! Brought some groceries.
KEVIN
Again?! Feldman, you didn't have
to do that!
FELDMAN
Hey, what are friends for?
KEVIN
You know, I may not say this enough
but you two are about the best
friends a guy could have.
(They have a long smarmy group
hug.)
KEVIN
(eyes closed in hug) Oh.
Me so happy. Me want to cry.
THE END
|
