THE BLOOD
Written by
Dan O'Keefe
(Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.)
JERRY
Are you sure you can't stay longer?
MORTY
No, we just came for the funeral. `
HELEN
Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.
JERRY
He was 96 years old.
MORTY
That had nothing to do with it, the
man was out of shape.
HELEN
That's why we joined a program. We walk
once around the block three times a
week.
MORTY
And every morning I eat a plum.
JERRY
Well, what ever you do, you're wearing
me out.
HELEN
What about you?
MORTY
Yeah, looks like you're getting a little
spare tire there, tiger.
JERRY
Really?
(Kramer comes in)
KRAMER
Hey, Seinfelds!
MORTY
Hey, Mr. Kramer!
KRAMER
How long are you staying?
HELEN
We just came down for a funeral.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler.
Boy, that makes you think. If he could
go...
HELEN
See you downstairs with the car.
JERRY
Are you sure you don't need a hand with
that?
MORTY
No no, the luggage is on the program.
I got a brick in here.
(Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his
arm.)
JERRY
Did you give blood?
KRAMER
No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing
it in to a blood bank. Just in case.
JERRY
In case of what?
KRAMER
Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on
the street and it's starts to go down,
I don't back off until it's finished.
JERRY
Are we finished?
KRAMER
Done.
(Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.)
VIVIAN
Elaine, I'm so glad you came out.
ELAINE
Yeah...
VIVIAN
You haven't seen Jimmy for years.
ELAINE
I know, I'm glad I got to see him before
he hit puberty and got, you know all
lurchy and awkward.
VIVIAN
Actually, I'm gonna need someone to
look after him tomorrow evening.
ELAINE
Tomorrow evening, sure.
VIVIAN
Do you know anyone responsible?
ELAINE
Do I know anyone??
VIVIAN
Well, if you think of anybody, give
me a call.
(George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.)
GEORGE
What are you doing?
TARA
Incense, for the mood.
GEORGE
Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me
know if there's anything I can do to
lend support to the mood.
(Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.)
GEORGE
Um, cream soda?
TARA
Vanilla.
-
(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.)
ELAINE
Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't
think I'm responsible?
JERRY
Who wants to responsible? When ever
anything goes wrong, the first thing
they ask is: who's responsible for this?
ELAINE
I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love
bossing people around.
(George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.)
JERRY
What happened, I thought you were with
Tara tonight?
GEORGE
I was, I had to leave. She lit some
vanilla incenses. The smell drove me
nuts, all I could think about was food,
I had to get out of there. We need some
pudding here! Pudding!
ELAINE
You just left? What did you tell her?
GEORGE
I told I had a bus transfer that was
only good just for another hour.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I don't know, I was starving Jerry!
(Waitress bring pudding to George.)
GEORGE
Oh, pudding! You want some?
JERRY
Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?
GEORGE
What are you kidding? We look great!
You know what this pudding needs? The
skin on the top, you know like your
mother used to make it on the stove.
JERRY
Elaine, what do you think?
ELAINE
I think you're getting a little pudding
under the skin yourself.
----
(Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.)
KRAMER
My service rates went up? You banks
are all the same with your hidden fees
and your service charges. Well, maybe
I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.
BANK EMPLOYEE
Well, we can transfer to another bank
for you.
KRAMER
Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping
my blood in my freezer with...my money!
(George and Tara.)
GEORGE
So eh, what do you say?
TARA
I guess we could use some food in our
lovemaking.
GEORGE
Ok, we got your...got your strawberries,
your chocolate sauce, your pastrami
on rye with mustard, your honey...
TARA
Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with
mustard?
GEORGE
Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used
pastrami in that movie 9½ weeks? Remember
the pastrami scene?
TARA
No.
GEORGE
Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where
ever it was, it worked!
(George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.)
----
(Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.)
JERRY
Didn't go for it, huh?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
So, she didn't appreciate the erotic
qualities of the salted cured meats?
GEORGE
She tolerated the strawberries and the
chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a
meal, you know? Food and sex, those
are my two passions. It's only natural
to combine them.
JERRY
Natural? Sex is about love between a
man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid
of the girl. She's integral.
JERRY
Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two
of your needs, how about satisfying
one of somebody else's.
GEORGE
Hey, speaking of which, I found a great
way to separate the skin from the top
of the pudding without leaving any around
the edges; Exacto knife.
JERRY
I told you George, no more pudding.
I'm starting a purification program.
Keep all that kind of food away from
me.
GEORGE
Well, I guess these would be out of
the question. (pulls out two pudding
skins in plastic bags.)
JERRY
What the hell is that?
GEORGE
Pudding skin singles.
---
(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)
KRAMER
Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.
JERRY
Oh, why?
KRAMER
I closed down my account at the blood
bank.
JERRY
What, it...it's here in the building?
KRAMER
Right across the hall. What, you wanna
go see?
JERRY
No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles
of that blood should find it's way across
that hall I will freak out on you Kramer!
Freak out.
KRAMER
You know, for a fat guy you're not very
jolly.
(Elaine comes in.)
ELAINE
Hey, working out?
JERRY
You know it and I ditched all my junk
food.
(Kramer looks to the fridge.)
KRAMER
What the heck is going on here?
JERRY
Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health
food.
KRAMER
Well, I may have to take it, but I don't
have to like it.
ELAINE
Vivian left me a message. I guess a
certain someone changed her mind about
whether someone was responsible enough
to watch certain other someone.
JERRY
Is this about me?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Oh, then I lost interest.
(Elaine calls on the phone.)
ELAINE
Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over
at Jerry's, I got your message...What?
Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands
the phone to Kramer.)
KRAMER
For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah,
I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the
phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting.
ELAINE
You? I'm more responsible than you are!
KRAMER
Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer
with my own blood.
(George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some
sandwich.)
GEORGE
Oh, Tara!
-
(Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.)
KRAMER
Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.
(Elaine comes and taps him on the back.)
ELAINE
Kramer...
KRAMER
Don't take my money!
ELAINE
It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've
got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit
the hell out of that kid.
KRAMER
No, I'm the baby-sitter.
ELAINE
No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit
the road.
(Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the
porch.)
VIVIAN
Elaine? What are you doing here?
ELAINE
Kramer is actually sleeping one off,
so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer
moans from the bushes) what's that,
some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer
with a broom.)
VIVIAN
Well, I guess this would be all right.
Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna
watch you tonight.
ELAINE
Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the
shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her
in the head.)
(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)
JERRY
Hey, what are you doing here? I thought
you were baby-sitting at Vivian's.
KRAMER
There was an incident.
JERRY
Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the
fridge) It's in here isn't it?
KRAMER
Would you stop it.
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
It's Jell-O.
JERRY
What about this? This is blood isn't
it?!
KRAMER
This is tomato juice, look...(drinks
from the bottle.)
JERRY
Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!
KRAMER
Will you calm down. I took all my blood
down to Newman's. He let me put it in
his meat freezer.
JERRY
Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?
KRAMER
Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and
made more of those pudding skin singles.
They're delicious.
JERRY
Damn that George, I told him I don't
want this stuff around here anymore...
(Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies
through the air.)
KRAMER
Heads up!
JERRY
Aaah...
----
(Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her
with a toy gun.)
JIMMY
You're dead, president Lincoln! You're
dead!
ELAINE
I wish I was dead.
JIMMY
Can I have your juice?
ELAINE
As long as you don't put...
(Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.)
ELAINE
Thanks for the re-fill.
(Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.)
VIVIAN
Hey, Elaine! How did it go?
ELAINE
Oh, he's...he's a joy...
VIVIAN
Really? Some sitter have told me he's
bit of a handful.
ELAINE
Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could
do this every day.
VIVIAN
Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've
been having a few health problems lately.
ELAINE
It's not serious, is it?
VIVIAN
Well, it might be. Just in case anything
does happen, it's nice to know there's
somebody like you around.
ELAINE
Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know.
(Pours the juice from the bag back to
glass.)
(Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up
close.)
JERRY
Aah!
KRAMER
It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.
JERRY
I can see that! What happened?
KRAMER
That knife, it nicked your jugular.
You know Jerry, when somebody yells
'heads up', you're not supposed to actually
look up.
JERRY
I'll remember that.
KRAMER
Anyway, you were lucky that I was there.
You lost a lot of blood.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer
in you, buddy.
(Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.)
(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.)
GEORGE
Three pints of Kramer's blood?
JERRY
I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing
things from my blood.
GEORGE
Well, so much for purification week.
JERRY
So, how's the fornicating gourmet?
GEORGE
Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday
I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie.
You know what? If I could add TV to
the equation, that would really be the
ultimate.
JERRY
George, we're trying to have a civilization
here.
(Elaine comes in.)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, how was baby-sitting?
ELAINE
Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian
has some kind of medical problem and
if the worst happens she wants me to
take care of Jimmy.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.
ELAINE
It doesn't matter. If anything happens
to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap,
air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's
a dangerous world.
GEORGE
She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged
out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting
gig.
JERRY
Really?
(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)
KRAMER
Look at this, look at the hair on the
back of my neck. It's all bramble, see
it's like thicket back there. Look,
I need somebody to shave it for me,
huh?
JERRY
I'm not touching that thing.
KRAMER
Well, I have to say I'm very surprised
and disappointed - blood brother.
JERRY
Oh, no...
KRAMER
What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen
to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey
buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...
JERRY
Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
KRAMER
So, my blood is not enough. Would you
like a kidney too, because I'll give
it to you? I'll rip it out right here
and stack it on the table!
JERRY
All right, all right I'll do it, sit
down.
KRAMER
No no no, I don't have time right now.
I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort
of an all over kind of thing, all right?
(Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.)
JERRY
Hello?
(It's Helen and Morty.)
HELEN
Kramer called, he told that you were
in a hospital.
JERRY
Kramer called you?
HELEN
He calls every week. Are you all right?
JERRY
Yes, I'm fine.
HELEN
He says he's fine.
MORTY
Tell him to eat a plum.
HELEN
Jerry, you really have to take better
care of yourself. We bought you some
session with a personal trainer.
JERRY
I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer
comes in) all right I've got to go,
we'll talk about this later.
MORTY
Plum...(Jerry hangs up.)
JERRY
Why are you calling my parents?
KRAMER
Well, maybe if you called more often,
I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all
right if I watch a tape in here?
JERRY
Why here?
KRAMER
Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament,
you know on C-Span.
JERRY
Ok...
KRAMER
Is it all right if I watch it in your
bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?
JERRY
Fine...
KRAMER
Ok!
(Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.)
JERRY
No no no no no no no no no no! I do
not want that in here!
KRAMER
Blood!
JERRY
All right.
(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.)
IZZY
Hello, dough boy.
JERRY
Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal
trainer?
IZZY
I'm here to whip you in to shape, so
grab your jocks - if you need one. It's
go-time.
(Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes
in and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.)
VIVIAN
Elaine? Elaine?
ELAINE
Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come
in.
VIVIAN
Where's Jimmy?
ELAINE
I don't know, I don't know...we had
HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then
he put this plastic bag over his head
and started running around until he
got tired and then he laid down somewhere
I...I tell you I'm no good watching
that kid.
VIVIAN
Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're
the best.
ELAINE
No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why
I probably can't hold a job or keep
a man!
VIVIAN
Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?
ELAINE
All right, but I'm running out of purses
here. (takes her purse from a punch
ball.)
(The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.)
JERRY
Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me
to do?
IZZY
Drop your purse, and pick up that medicine
ball.
JERRY
Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness
museum?
IZZY
Not funny, over your head with it. Are
you ready?
JERRY
For what?
IZZY
All aboard in the pain train!
(Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.)
JERRY
How many session did my parents paid
for?
IZZY
Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil.
(George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich)
GEORGE
Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're
hot tonight!
TARA
Oh, George!
GEORGE
And now for the trifecta. (Picks up
a hand held TV and gets back under the
covers.)
TARA
George? George? What are you doing?!
(Pulls the covers off. George is eating
a sandwich and watching TV.)
GEORGE
Pleasuring you?
-
Manana. Jerry comes in.)
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
We're making sausages.
(Jerry stops the tape.)
JERRY
I thought you were gonna watch a video.
KRAMER
Yeah, an instructional video about how
to make your own sausages.
JERRY
Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this.
KRAMER
All right, all right. Newman, let's
go grab some mail sacks and haul these
beauties out of here.
(Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.)
JERRY
Blood over there, sausages over here.
I'm living in a slaughter house.
(Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.)
IZZY
Tonight I want you to sleep on this.
Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the
sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages?
Is this your diet?
JERRY
No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...
IZZY
Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're
taking it up a notch.
-------------------------------------------------------
(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.)
JERRY
So, the free love buffet is over?
GEORGE
I got greedy. Flew too close to the
sun on wings of pastrami.
JERRY
Yeah, that's what you did...I can't
believe I got another session with Izzy
Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box
a kangaroo.
(George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.)
JERRY
What's going on?
GEORGE
I don't know. This sandwich is making
me flush.
JERRY
Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula;
you combined food and sex in to one
disgusting uncontrollable urge.
GEORGE
I think you're right. You gonna eat
that?
JERRY
No, but please tell me that's all you're
gonna do with it.
(Elaine comes in)
ELAINE
Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies,
it is going to be a major inconvenience.
GEORGE
These fries are really really good...
JERRY
All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry
takes the plates and hands them to a
waitress.)
ELAINE
I mean I can't shake this woman. You
know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday
party.
GEORGE
Uuh, sleepy.
ELAINE
No matter what I do, I cannot weasel
out of raising this kid.
JERRY
Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel,
maybe he can bat for you.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.
(Kramer comes in.)
KRAMER
Why did you get rid of that sausage?
JERRY
It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.
KRAMER
Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted
me out of his freezer. Look, I've got
to take my blood back to the bank, can
I borrow your car?
JERRY
What's wrong with yours?
KRAMER
I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood
cold or it'll go bad.
JERRY
All right, but this is it, this is the
last favor, we're even!
KRAMER
All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way,
when you get back to your apartment
try to keep it down because Newman is
taking a nap in your bed.
(Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja
song is playing.)
(Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.)
KRAMER
Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment
for a manual.) "If the engine begins
to overheat, turn off air conditioner".
Never, I can't do that.
(Engine begins to smoke.)
KRAMER
Oh, mama...
(Kramer stops and opens the hood.)
KRAMER
Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this
thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.)
----------------------------------------------------
(Elaine is visiting Vivian.)
ELAINE
Vivian...
VIVIAN
Elaine!
ELAINE
Hi! This is my friend George.
VIVIAN
Hi...
ELAINE
I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
VIVIAN
Ok.
VIVIAN
Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic?
GEORGE
Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be
seeing much more of her.
VIVIAN
Really, why?
GEORGE
Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to
live with her grandparents in Redding
Pennsylvania.
VIVIAN
Her grandparent passed away five years
ago.
GEORGE
Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine
has been deported back to Scotland.
VIVIAN
She's American citizen, I have seen
her passport.
GEORGE
All right, no more lies. Elaine is been
chosen to represent the Upper West Side
in the next Biosphere project.
VIVIAN
I haven't heard anything about another
Biosphere.
GEORGE
That's because it's underwater.
VIVIAN
This is insane.
GEORGE
Is it?
VIVIAN
Yes it it.
GEORGE
Well, it's all for charity, so what's
the difference.
(Oven pings)
VIVIAN
You...very knowledgeable.
GEORGE
Well, I'm also an architect. Is that
pastrami?
VIVIAN
Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be
the most sensual of all the salted cured
meats. Hungry?
GEORGE
Very.
(They kiss and fall down to the floor.)
VIVIAN
Oh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.)
Oohh...
GEORGE
Vivian!!
(Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope.
Izzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.)
JERRY
Is this really necessary?
IZZY
If you wanna live in a butcher shop,
I'm gonna treat you like a piece of
meat.
JERRY
What if I can't keep up?
IZZY
You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.
IZZY JR.
Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
IZZY AND IZZY JR
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives
ahead, but the car starts jerking)
IZZY
Move it, move it! Get those knees up!
Come on, kick it, kick it!
JERRY
What's going on?
IZZY JR.
There's something wrong with your car.
It's dripping something on my feet.
Some kind of red liquid.
JERRY
Oh my God, the blood!
IZZY JR.
Blood!!
(Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.)
IZZY
Get up boy, get up! We got a problem
here! Tough it up. This is for real,
you've got to want it...
...
(Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.)
ELAINE
So how long did they drag you?
JERRY
Well, for the first quarter mile they
thought that I was just doggin' it.
(George and Jimmy come in)
ELAINE
Hi George. Hi Jimmy.
GEORGE
Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside,
you know, play with something.
(Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.)
GEORGE
Ouch!
JERRY
What's the kid doing here?
GEORGE
I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to
raise him if she doesn't make it.
JERRY
Oh, that's a drag...
(Kramer comes in.)
KRAMER
That kid...
JERRY
You put blood in the car?!
KRAMER
Jerry, it was overheating. You should
take better care of that thing.
JERRY
Well, they told me that I got more blood,
so I guess I owe you again.
KRAMER
You didn't get the blood from me.
JERRY
Then who?
(Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.)
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Aaaaahhh...!!!
JERRY AND KRAMER
Aaaahhh...!!!
THE END
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