Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this
is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just
eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere,
whatever they're having. I have eaten
off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not
a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why
would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a
hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning?
Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant,
they put the check in a little
book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time,
there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little
gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating
from the restaurant? What is this about?
(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant.
George hasn't eaten anything)
Do you want some of mine?
Take some of mine.
Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll
like it? I keep trying to like it, like
I have to like it.
Who said you have to like it?
Everybody likes pesto. You walk into
a restaurant, that's all you hear -
pesto, pesto, pesto.
I don't like pesto.
Where was pesto 10 years ago?
(Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy.
(Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops
her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair
transplants. Any time you see a guy
wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.
(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying
to make it sound like they aren't talking
about him) The thing about that painting..
is with the colors and um.. (Turns
back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.
(George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do
(To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about
the car. Let it warm up for a minute.
That's a tough minute. It's like waiting
in the shower for the conditioner to
I don't understand why he couldn't take
Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's
picking him up at the airport tonight.
(Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.
He's from a.. Yakima, right?
Everybody's moving to Seattle.
It's the pesto of cities. So..?
(To Jerry) You tell him.
Well, from what I can piece together,
our friend here met a gentleman.
Who was in town on a business venture,
..We shared an interpersonal experience.
(George hits his glass with his fork.
To Jerry) Go on.
So they went out a few times, but apparently,
when the fellow returned home, he discovered
that the Benes tattoo does not wash
off so easily.
On some people.
So, he's coming in to stay with her
for a week.
It was just gonna be a weekend, but
then somehow it became a week.
(The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly
picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses
the menu on the floor, and stomps it out.
The manager approaches)
Oh, the busboy left the menu a little
close to the candle.
Sorry to the disturbance.
(Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never
eating here again.
(Pats George on the back) Nice going.
Thank you, that ought to get us a free
dessert.. (They can see the manager
chewing the busboy out from the dining
room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.
Did I get him in trouble? Because of
what I said?! I just told him what happened..
he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager
and busboy are arguing. The
busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why
did he point at me?!
I said I would never eat here again..
But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
(Casually buttering a roll, like he's
the innocent one) I didn't say anything.
(The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the
I can't believe it. He's going! He's
Oh, I said it in a kidding way.
I didn't know he'd get fired.
(Jokingly trying to put more pressure
on Elaine and George) He'll probably
kill his family over this.
What if he's waiting for me outside?
He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!
(Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become
busboys. They seem to gravitate twards
Was it my fault?
Was it my fault?
(Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe
I'll try that pesto.
Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll
get another job. I mean, let's face
it, it's not a profession where you
embellish your resume and undergo a
(Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really
Oh, like you do.
Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.
It was a fat camp. Those kids depended
(The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)
(Through intercom) Yeah.
(Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in)
Busboys are always changing jobs. That's
the business. I know. I work with these
guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen
at the comedy clubs.
Then why don't you try and get him another
I'd love to, but I don't know anything
about him. He could be one of those
people that walks around the street
pricking people with pins.
I don't know if you people are aware
of this, but I am one clever chickadee.
What? Did you get the busboy's number?
His phone's been disconnected, but I
was able to obtain an address - 1324
Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands
George a card) Now, I did my
job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?
(Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine)
How did you get all this?
Does the word "charm" mean anything
No. (George grabs his jacket) So now
you're going to his apartment? I really
think this is nuts.
(Putting his jacket on) I'd like to
apologize. I want to tell him I.. I..
didn't mean to get him in trouble.
You, you're going now?
Yeah, I want to see if there's anything
I can do.. maybe get him another job..
maybe I'll hear of something.
Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're
I would, but I have to pick up Ed at
I just don't think you should go alone.
Can't you wait till after my set?
It'll take to long.
Take the K-man. A little support..
(Unsure) I don't a..
Take me where? Where?
(An apartment building hallway)
(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's
Look, I really appreciate your coming,
but if you wouldn't mind - try not to
say too much.
What am I gonna say?
I don't know.
Well, I'm not an idiot.
Then we're cool.
Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks
lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking
on the door louder. The busboy answers)
Uh, I'm sorry to bother
you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I
could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He
gestures for them to come in. They obey)
I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think
I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting
you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I
just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.
(Patting George on the shoulder) He's
a hell of a guy.
This is a guy I know.. Kramer.
(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)
(To himself) Oh my God.
┐Como se dice.. waterbed?
(Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know I'm really sorry that
happened, and if I can help out in any
way, I'll certainly be glad to do that.
(Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.
You got anything to drink? ┐Agua?
Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink)
We really should get going.
Let me get a glass of water. (Heads
tward the sink)
(Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita?
Pequita? (Starts to panic)
His cat's gone.
(Notes the door was left wide open)
La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming)
La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and
George) Who left the door
open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look
at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head
out the door to look)
(All three sit in silence)
..You know, cats run away all the time.
You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran
away. Showed up three years later..
you never know. They got things in
their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless,
of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what
you gotta worry about.
(Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once
again, Antonio, I can't even begin to
say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about
everything. The job, the cat.. (A
lamp breaks) the lamp.
The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the
two broken pieces together) Yeah.
(Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card.
I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever
looking for something bigger, something
nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him,
angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for
a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)
You oughta get that wire fixed. (They
go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts
the door, the broken lamp falls to the
(On the phone) George, stop worrying
about this guy. It wasn't your fault..
Come on, he's not stalking you.
(To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't
even know where you live.. Who told
you to give him your business card?..
(Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine.
(Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To
Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat
It's been a week. It's up to the cat
(Into phone) Kramer says it's up to
the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on
Oh? How do you figure?
(Into phone) How do you figure? (To
Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left
the door open.
Why was I in charge of closing the door?
(Into phone) Why was he in charge of
closing the door? (Irritated at the
phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause
you came in after him!
(Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting
even more angry) So, the last person
in should close the door!
Let me talk to him.
(To Kramer) Talk - call him from your
house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves.
To phone) He's calling you now.. okay.
Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car
(Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)
Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello.
Now, lookit, you guarantee this car
will get me to the airport tomarrow?
Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.
Because if there's even the slightest
chance of any problem at all, I don't
want to take it - because if I don't
get this guy on a plane to Seattle and
out of my
life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
(Jokingly asking) So, did you have a
nice week together?
I heard a little ping in the car last
time. What was that ping?
There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?
Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I
hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done
anything! It's the situation. He's a
wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!
So, you two been, uh..
No! I told him I've been having my period
for the last five days! I'm sleeping
all squished over on the edge of my
bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours
go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything.
I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..
What's your airport route?
I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking
..What about the Van Wyck?
I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks,
he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard
Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15.
We're getting up at about eight. That
gives us enough time, right?
You still using that old alarm clock?
Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today.
It's got everything - it's got everything...
If you oversleep more than ten minutes,
a hand comes out and slaps you in
Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving
to the airport can make you very nervous
because when you're flying, when you're
getting on the plane, if you miss
that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options.
You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're
taking a flight, if you miss it,
that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we
do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested
in that? It's not a direct cannon,
you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon
operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon)
Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a
second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas.
Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure
you get out of the net
immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."
15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)
(Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm
clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's
9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's
(Going back to sleep) We'll never make
it. I'll leave tomarrow.
Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now!
Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the
closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically
starts packing) You get
dressed! Get dressed!
Can I shower?
Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!
I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all
Forget the shower! The shower's out.
Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your
clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes,
turning them over in the suitcase.
He walks tward the door) Where are you going?
I've got a bag of cashews in there.
They're not making it! Let's get your
What's the big deal if we don't make
it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next
No! You have your ticket! You have to
I'll never make it.
Don't say that!
But it takes forty-five minutes to get
there. That'll only leave me five minutes
to get to the plane.
Shut up and pack!
And what if I don't make the plane?
You'll have already left. Then what
will I do?
You're talking too much!
Where's my sweater?
My brown sweater.
What? What sweater?
My brown sweater.
You didn't bring a brown sweater.
I brought a brown sweater.
Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?!
(Recahes into one of her drawers, and
grabs a brown sweater, then packs it)
You got a brown sweater!
That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.
It's brown! (Takes clothes still on
the hangers, and dumps them into the
What are you doing?!
NO time for folding.. (Looks around)
I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)
My shoes. You packed my shoes.
Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't
invented till the fourth century! People
walked around for thousands of years
without them! (Puts her coat on over
her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him,
then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!
Anywhere in the city?
Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you
the best public toilet.
Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan
Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give
you the key.
Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
(Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center.
Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent
(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her
coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal)
(Slow, as if remember a dream) I never
new I could drive like that. I was going
faster than I've ever gone before, and
yet, it all seemed to be happening in
slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving
in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run.
I knew I was challenging the very laws
of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel
Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then..
I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's
ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I
came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that
five-car-pile-up on Rockaway
Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right
now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
..The busboy's coming! The busboy's
The busboy's coming?
You don't mean here?
Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on
his way up..
He's coming up?! (Moves to the door)
I'll check you out later.
Where are you going?
I'm the one he wants! He's coming to
settle the score.
(Trying to get George and Kramer out)
No. You three all know each other. There's
no point in me getting involved at this
stage of the game.
No, he's not going to do anything. I
Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me.
(There's a knock in the hallway)
Antonio. In here!
(Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio.
How's it going?
(Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug)
Three nights ago, a gas main beneath
the restaurant exploded, killing five
people in my section, including the
busboy who replaced me. If I am not
that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive
remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him
(Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..
(The intercom buzzes)
(Into the intercom) Yeah?
He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's
And that very same night of the accident,
while looking for Pequita, I found a
job in a restaurant where they pay me
almost twice what I was making
before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps
frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well,
but now, I must go, for today I am
starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank
you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)
(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a
fight erupting from the hallway)
Hey, watch were you're going. You almost
knocked my head off!
Hey, why don't you watch where you're
going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into
Who do you think you're talking to,
Hey, get your hands off me!
Go to hell!
(Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them
getting into a serious fight)
He'll get another job. He's a busboy!
It won't for a while. At least not until
after the cast comes off.
It was that fall down the stairs. That's
what did it.
That's not how it happened. It's when
he fell on him with his knee.
Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter
hands Elaine two bags of food to go)
So, much longer?
Till when - till he goes back to Seattle,
or till he can feed himself?
(Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess
it's not important.
Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)
I should probably get going too. If
I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes
all over everything.. take it easy.
Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich
as the waiter starts cleaning off the
table) How ya doing?
First of all, I can't believe that people
actually do fight. People have fist
fights in life. I can't really believe
that we have boxing either. It's really
kind of an
amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two
guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they
have the boxers come into the ring
in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They
get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then
you'd see a real fight.