THE CADDY
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
So why don't you get a locksmith?
GEORGE
I was going to, but then I found out
that the auto club has this free locksmith
service, so I signed up. Just waiting
for the membership to kick in.
JERRY
How long has your car been sitting in
the Yankee parking lot?
GEORGE
I don't know, about three days.
(Kramer enters with golf clubs)
JERRY
Y-you're not playin' golf?
KRAMER
Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter,
but he gods of spring are out.
GEORGE
Are the courses open?
KRAMER
No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan
the Caddy, we've been going through
the caddies entrance.
George. Huh, No kidding?
KRAMER
Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else.
Stan's advice has
transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually
I'll
have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my
dream,
Jerry.
JERRY
Really, you're getting that good?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm the real deal.
(Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)
KRAMER
Yeah, here, Stan, in here!
(Stan enters)
KRAMER
There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this
is Stan the Caddy.
GEORGE
How ya doin'?
JERRY
Hi.
STAN
Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links,
Kramer?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, you betcha.
STAN
What are those, ah, cotton pants?
KRAMER
Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?
STAN
Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight
jacket, that way the
sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.
KRAMER
Ah, that makes sense, that's a good
call, Stan. Alright, we'll
see you guys later, huh?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Yeah, we'll see ya.
(Kramer and Stan leave)
JERRY AND GEORGE
Stan The Caddy.
(Commercial)
(On the street)
SUE ELLEN
Elaine?
(Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)
SUE ELLEN
Hi!
ELAINE
Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder.
Who
does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out
of
control.
SUE ELLEN
I was thinking that woman looks like
Elaine Benes.
ELAINE
Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up
to?
SUE ELLEN
I've just been hanging out.
ELAINE
I see.
SUE ELLEN
Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party
tomorrow evening,
I'd love it if you came by.
ELAINE
Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can.
SUE ELLEN
Nooo?
ELAINE
Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.
SUE ELLEN
Oh, that's too bad.
ELAINE
Yeah.
SUE ELLEN
Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha
ha ha.
ELAINE
Ha ha ha.
(Yankee Stadium)
WILHELM
George!?
GEORGE
Mr. Wilhelm!
WILHELM
I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner
and I really
want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting
in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the
General
Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks,
you're the
man for the job! So, keep it under your hat!
(Jerry's Apartment)
GEORGE
Assistant to the General Manager!! You
know what means?!?
He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm
a
heartbeat away!
JERRY
That's a hell of an organization they're
running up there. I
can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.
GEORGE
And, it is all because of that car.
You see, Steinbrenner is
like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car,
he figures
I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm.
He
see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between
the two of
them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day!
JERRY
Locking your keys in your car is the
best career move you ever
made.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey, how ya doing?!?
ELAINE
Better, now.
JERRY
yeah, what happened?
ELAINE
You know Sue Ellen Mishke?
JERRY
Sue Ellen Mishke?
ELAINE
Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland,
she moved here last
year...
JERRY
Sounds familiar.
ELAINE
The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar
fortune--
JERRY
Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.
ELAINE
Yes. I ran into her today. This woman
has never, not once,
ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.
GEORGE
Ah, that is disgusting--
JERRY
That is just shameless, I don't know,
There's no--
GEORGE
The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--
JERRY
It's wrong, it's rude, and it's--
GEORGE
It's disgusting--
ELAINE
Alright, there's no---
GEORGE
Come on! Come-on.
JERRY
We're only kidding!
ELAINE
You don't understand. See, she hasn't
changed at all. She
stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party,
and
I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by
the way,
and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he
follows
her, right out the door!
JERRY
She's your Lex Luthor!
ELAINE
Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided
to get her a little
present.
JERRY
What are you going to get her?
ELAINE
A very traditional, a very supportive,
brazier.
JERRY
There's nothing subtle about that.
GEORGE
No, no, she might just think its a gift.
JERRY
Have I ever bought you a jock strap
as a gift?
(The coffee shop)
GEORGE
Ahhh, Hey-Ho.
JERRY
What the hell are you doing here, aren't
you supposed to be at
work?!?
GEORGE
Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting
out of town with Susan
for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!
JERRY
So, you're just taking off from work?
GEORGE
They won't know. I got the car there.
JERRY
Do you think this is such a good idea,
with you being on the
verge of this big promotion?
GEORGE
My presence, in that office, can only
hurt my chances.
(Elaine's office at J Peterman)
ELAINE
Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send
her in.
(Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black
blazer)
SUE ELLEN
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Hellllloo.
SUE ELLEN
I happened to be in the neighborhood,
so I thought I'd stop
in, and thank you for your lovely gift.
ELAINE
Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.
SUE ELLEN
Is anything wrong?
ELAINE
Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a
top, it's a bra.
SUE ELLEN
Oh, I know. Thanks again.
(The Rosses cabin)
GEORGE
This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?
SUSAN
Wanna check out a swap meet?
GEORGE
Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that?
SUSAN
Oh, it was on the windshield of the
car when we came out of that
rest stop.
(George sits up suddenly)
(Jerry's apartment, phone ringing)
JERRY
Yello.
GEORGE
Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to
do me a favor.
JERRY
What's goin' on?
GEORGE
I just remembered, there's this Chinese
restaurant out near
Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.
JERRY
Yeah, so?
GEORGE
Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I
need ya to go out to the
parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car.
JERRY
You know last time you had me throwin'
a rye bread up three
floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers
off
your car, where does it end?!?
GEORGE
Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours
each way, 6 hours all
together, and take 'em off myself!!
JERRY
Alright, alright, I'll do it!!
(Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Hey, what are ya up to?
Kramer. Nothin'.
JERRY
Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx
and see if there's any
flyers on George's car.
KRAMER
Sure!
JERRY
I guess I coulda said just about anything
there, couldn't I?
KRAMER
yep.
(Yankee Stadium parking lot.)
(George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings)
JERRY
Oh, man, look at this mess! You know
what's gonna happen if
they see this? What are we gonna do?
KRAMER
I don't know.
JERRY
Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah,
the keys are locked inside!
KRAMER
Wait a second....
JERRY
What are ya gonna do?
KRAMER
I'll just snag the lock with this. Here
we go...
JERRY
Yeah, this quite a life I lead here,
huh?
(Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash.
Kramer is behind the wheel.)
KRAMER
George has gotta be happy about this.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
JERRY
Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just
wearing a bra?
(Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)
KRAMER
Oh, mama.
JERRY
Kramer!!!
(Car crashes into a lamp post)
(Commercial)
(Jerry's Apartment)
ELAINE
My God, are you okay?
KRAMER
I got a cut on my head and I banged
my shoulder.
JERRY
I guess I have to bring his car back
up to the stadium, if it
can make it.
ELAINE
So how did this happen?
JERRY
He was starin' at some woman!
KRAMER
I couldn't help it, you saw what she
was wearing.
ELAINE
What woman?
JERRY
There was this beautiful woman walking
down the street wearing
just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.
ELAINE
Oh...my God.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?
JERRY
Yeah!
ELAINE
Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke!
JERRY
Sue Ellen Mishke?
ELAINE
That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing
it as a top! The
woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a
bra on,
she's a menace to society.
KRAMER
You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder
if its gonna affect my
golf swing.
(Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain)
(Stan enters)
STAN
I got your message, how's the shoulder?
KRAMER
Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing
it!
STAN
No, no. Not the left arm!
KRAMER
What happens if I can't play like I
was? What about the tour,
and all my dreams?
ELAINE
Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!
KRAMER
Sue her?
ELAINE
Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress
to the O'Henry candy bar
fortune.
KRAMER
No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson
from that coffee
company.
ELAINE
Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is
a once in a lifetime
opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got
to be held
accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!
KRAMER
What do you think, Stan?
STAN
Let's go for the green! You know a good
lawyer?
(Kramer smiles)
(Jackie Chiles' office)
JACKIE
So you're driving in the car, you're
with your friend, minding
your own business?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JACKIE
Then what happened?
KRAMER
The we saw this woman, and she was wearing
a bra with no top.
JACKIE
No top? She didn't have a top on?
KRAMER
No. So I got distracted and I crashed
the car.
JACKIE
Well how would you describe this woman?
Would you say she was
an attractive woman?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
JACKIE
So we got an attractive woman, wearing
a bra, no top, walkin'
around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
KRAMER
She was flouting.
JACKIE
That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd,
vesivius, salacious,
outrageous!
KRAMER
It was outrageous. And she's the heir
to the O'Henry candy bar
fortune.
JACKIE
Could you repeat that?
KRAMER
I said she's the heir to the O'Henry
candy bar fortune.
JACKIE
O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling
candy bars. It's got
chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!
Have you been to a doctor?
KRAMER
No.
JACKIE
Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an
appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.
KRAMER
So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we
got a case?
JACKIE
Like taking candy from a baby.
(The cabin)
GEORGE
I think I got it. How 'bout this? How
'bout this? We trade Jim
Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya
think?
That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now
you got
a team! Ha ha ha.
SUSAN
I don't know, George. I'm still worried
about this car thing.
GEORGE
Would ya stop worrying?
SUSAN
Well, what about the flyers?
GEORGE
Jerry took the flyers off the car, I
got the whole thing
covered.
(Yankee Stadium parking lot)
(Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car
in the
space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally
he
gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he
goes)
(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
STEINBRENNER
Come in!
(Wilhelm enters)
STEINBRENNER
Ah, Wilhelm.
WILHELM
Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned
about George Costanza.
STEINBRENNER
How 'bout a 'good morning'?
WILHELM
Yes sir, good morning, good morning,
sir.
STEINBRENNER
Good morning to you, Wilhelm.
WILHELM
Anyway, his car's in the parking lot,
the front end is based
in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.
Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and,
trooper
that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.
STEINBRENNER
Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want
the stadium
scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone
on
alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've
gotta find
that kid.
WILHELM
Yes sir, yes sir.
STEINBRENNER
We must find George, find him, Wilhelm!
(The hallway in Jerry's building)
(As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue
Ellen
knocking on Kramer's door)
SUE ELLEN
Excuse me, do you happen to know the
gentleman across the
hall?
JERRY
Yes, yes, I do.
SUE ELLEN
Do you happen to know if he'll be back
anytime soon?
JERRY
No, I don't.
SUE ELLEN
Oh...
JERRY
Is there something I can help you with?
SUE ELLEN
No, I really just needed to speak with
him.
JERRY
Well, you can wait for him in here if
you like.
SUE ELLEN
Oh, maybe I will.
(Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)
SUE ELLEN
If you don't mind.
JERRY
No, no, not at all.
SUE ELLEN
Thanks.
JERRY
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
STEINBRENNER
What is with these people, all day long.
Come in, come
in.
WILHELM
Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've
searched everywhere,
there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his
description, sir.
STEINBRENNER
Oh my God, do you know what this means,
Wilhelm?
WILHELM
What, sir?
STEINBRENNER
He's dead! Costanza's dead!
WILHELM
Well, no, no, you see, I don't think--
STEINBRENNER
As quickly as he came here, he's gone.
The poor little
guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm.
WILHELM
Yessir?
STEINBRENNER
Find out where his parents live.
WILHELM
Parents.
STEINBRENNER
I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and,
ah, line up
some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager
position,
we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back
to
Business Wilhelm!
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie
Chiles is right on
it! Right on it, he's all over it!
JERRY
Oh, really?
KRAMER
Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?
JERRY
I don't know, so the woman was walking
around in a bra, I mean
it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been
watching
the road.
KRAMER
Well, your attitude has certainly changed.
JERRY
I don't think my attitude has changed.
KRAMER
Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you
to testify.
JERRY
Well, I don't know if I....
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!
JERRY
I don't think I--
KRAMER
Listen, this is a million dollars we're
talkin' about, Jerry,
now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my
team,
Jerry!
JERRY
Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about
it, Kramer.
KRAMER
Alright what's gotten into you, what's
happened?!?
JERRY
Nothing's happened.
KRAMER
Goohhhhck.
(As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in
the garbage
can)
KRAMER
Ohhhh, what's this?
JERRY
Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait
a second,...
KRAMER
I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar
paid a visit, didn't
she?
JERRY
Kramer, it is not what you think.
KRAMER
Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think.
I think you're gaga over
this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now,
you're
willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to,
right down
the river.
JERRY
And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk
an innocent bystander
out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing
quality
O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!
KRAMER
You're just out for sex!
JERRY
You're just out for money!
KRAMER AND JERRY
Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!
(The Costanza house, Queens)
(Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door)
STEINBRENNER
Mrs. Costanza?
ESTELLE
Yesss?
STEINBRENNER
My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm
afraid I have some
very sad new about your son.
(Scene changes to Costanza living room)
ESTELLE
I can't believe it, he was so young.
How could this
have happened?
STEINBRENNER
Well, he'd been logging some pretty
heavy hours, first
one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was
a human
dynamo.
ESTELLE
Are you sure you're talking about George?
STEINBRENNER
You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?
FRANK
What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner
for?!? He had
30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for
an arm, you
don't know what the hell you're doin'!!
STEINBRENNER
Well, Buener was a good prospect, no
question about it.
But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying
'Ken
Phelps , Ken Phelps'.
(Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message
on
his answering machine)
FRANK
Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.
Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!
(The phone rings again)
JERRY
Hello?
GEORGE
Hey, it's George.
JERRY
Where have you been?!?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
I just got the most bizarre message
from you father,
Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!
GEORGE
Dead?
JERRY
Yeah, and we had an accident with your
car, it's a little
crumpled.
GEORGE
My car is a little crumpled?!?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do
so I put it back at the
stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car,
they saw
the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner
thinks
you're dead!
GEORGE
Okay, I gotta head back right away,
I'll -- I gotta figure
something out here.
JERRY
Well you gotta call your parents.
GEORGE
I can't, Steinbrenner might still be
there!
JERRY
Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're
still alive?
GEORGE
Nnnooo! They could use the break!
(Elaine's office at J Peterman)
(Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters)
PETERMAN
Elaine, do you see this? Do you see
what
I'm holding is my hands?
ELAINE
Yeah, it's a bra.
PETERMAN
I saw a woman in our hallway wearing
one of these as a top.
What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her,
but the
elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will
cross
again some day.
ELAINE
What is this all about?
PETERMAN
I wanna market this item as a new direction
in women's
Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild
parties,
driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of
the week.
(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
STEINBRENNER
Come in, come in.
(George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)
GEORGE
Mr. Steinbrenner--
STEINBRENNER
Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you?
GEORGE
Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing
few days. After the
car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on
grubs and
puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.
STEINBRENNER
Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted
one of those.
GEORGE
Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle,
I think I may have found
a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to
give up
that much.
STEINBRENNER
Well, don't tell it to me George, tell
it to the new
Assistant to the General Manager.
GEORGE
I didn't get the job?
STEINBRENNER
Well, once you were dead, we couldn't
just sit on our
hands. We had to make a move...
(Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches,
and takes the bandage off his head)
STEINBRENNER
But, you still have your old job. Of
course, we'll have
to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club
here.
If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next
thing
you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work
for
the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!
(Courtroom)
JACKIE
So it was the meeting on the street
that prompted you to buy
the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?
ELAINE
Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct.
(Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried)
JACKIE
And you have also brought with you,
another bra, exactly like
the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!
ELAINE
Yes, that's correct.
(Kramer is now on the witness stand)
JACKIE
What was you golf score, the last round
you played...before you
shoulder was injured?
KRAMER
Three under par.
(Stan nods proudly)
JACKIE
Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what
the
professionals shoot, isn't it?
KRAMER
If they're lucky.
(Stan laughs)
(Jerry is now on the witness stand)
JACKIE
Would you tell this jury exactly what
you saw on the corner of
83rd Street and Columbus?
JERRY
I...don't remember.
JACKIE
Well, did you, or did you not, see the
defendant, wearing the
bra?
JERRY
I don't know. Maybe.
JACKIE
Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that
you are under oath. Now
I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing
the
bra?!?
JERRY
....Alright, alright, I saw her! And
she was beautiful in that
bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free
wheeling attitude!
JUDGE
This court will come to order!
JACKIE
No further questions, your honor.
JUDGE
You may step down.
JACKIE
I think we got this wrapped up.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?
STAN
You're close, you're on the green. You
just have to go for the cup.
KRAMER
What do you mean?
STAN
Have her try on the bra, see if it fits.
JACKIE
No, no, no, no!
KRAMER
Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.
JACKIE
Stan? Who the hell is Stan?
KRAMER
He's my caddy.
JACKIE
You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake!
KRAMER
G- cada-
JACKIE
Your honor, we request at this time,
that Miss Mishke...try on the bra.
JUDGE
This court will come to order! Go ahead
Miss Mishke, try it on.
(Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems
too
small)
SUE ELLEN
Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it
on.
JACKIE
Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin'
now, nothin'! I've been practicing law
for 25 years, you're listenin' to a
caddy! This is a public humiliation!
You can't let the defendant have control
of the key piece of evidence. Plus,
she's trying it on over a leotard, of
course a bra's not gonna fit on over
a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up
a person's skin, like a glove!
(Elaine's office)
(Two women enter wearing bras as tops)
WOMAN #1
Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?
ELAINE
Oh, no, I don't think so.
WOMAN #2
Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's
a winner.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
WOMAN #1
Are you sure you don't wanna go? We
have reservations.
ELAINE
Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble
gettin' a table.
WOMAN #1
Ciao.
WOMAN #2
Ba-bye.
(Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)
THE END
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