THE CADILLAC PART 1
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner
has he put his bags down than Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey! You're back!
JERRY
Oh, I'm back, baby.
KRAMER
Yeah, how was it?
JERRY
Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
KRAMER
Good for you.
JERRY
I killed.
KRAMER
You killed.
JERRY
(taking off his jacket) Slaughtered.
Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging
up jacket) not only that, the money
was unbelievable.
KRAMER
Unbelievable.
JERRY
Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
KRAMER
How much?
JERRY
(reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
KRAMER
Aw, c'mon.
JERRY
Nah. It's not good for friends to talk
about money, it can affect the friendship.
KRAMER
I tell you how much I make.
JERRY
And I'm always impressed.
KRAMER
Just show me the cheque, c'mon.
JERRY
Awright, fine. You wanna see it?
KRAMER
I wanna see it.
JERRY
Okay.
Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and
hands it to Kramer.
JERRY
Here, check that out.
Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to
his face.
KRAMER
(stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
JERRY
I told you.
Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked.
KRAMER
My god, you're rich.
JERRY
(taking back the check) Oh yeah.
KRAMER
I didn't know you made that kinda money.
(subdued) Jeez.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
I don't think I can talk to you any
more. I feel inferior.
JERRY
I never shoulda told you.
KRAMER
You know, Jerry, I think this changes
the relationship. I mean, I
feel it. Do you feel it?
JERRY
No, I can't feel anything.
KRAMER
Well, what're you gonna do with all
that money?
JERRY
Actually, I was thinking of donating
a large portion of it to
charity.
KRAMER
(pleased) Really?
JERRY
(deadpan) No.
KRAMER
Well, you should, Jerry.
JERRY
No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking
of buying my father a new
car.
KRAMER
Now, you see, that's nice.
JERRY
Maybe a Cadillac.
KRAMER
(smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.
JERRY
Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow
his mind. He's always wanted
one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive)
I'm gonna
do it.
KRAMER
You're gonna score some big points with
the man upstairs on this
one.
JERRY
Oh, isn't that what it's all about?
Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement.
(Monk's)
Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy.
ELAINE
Who was Pippi Longstocking?
KATY
Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm,
I don't don't know.
ELAINE
Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
KATY
Hitler? (thinks) Maybe.
George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient.
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Hey George.
GEORGE
Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside
Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
George twists round, so he can watch the door.
ELAINE
(indicating) You remember Katy?
GEORGE
(distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy)
Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
KATY
Also ear, nose and throat.
GEORGE
Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that
can happen to a nose? What
does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)
KATY
(amused) He's funny.
ELAINE
Ah, you don't have to tell me.
GEORGE
Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
ELAINE
Oh, you know what? He got engaged.
KATY
Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.
GEORGE
What? Is that bad?
KATY
I actually would've set you up with
a friend of mine.
GEORGE
Oh-ho, yeah?
KATY
You'd be perfect for her. She loves
quirky, funny guys.
GEORGE
(curious) Bald? Uh?
KATY
Loves bald.
GEORGE
Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who
is she?
KATY
Marisa Tomei.
GEORGE
(taken aback) The actress?
KATY
Yeah.
GEORGE
You're friends with Marisa Tomei?
KATY
That's right.
GEORGE
(getting excited) That's, that's incredible.
My Cousin Vinnie, I
love her, she was fantastic!
KATY
Yeah, I know.
GEORGE
(more excitement) You were gonna fix
me up with her?
KATY
Yeah, she's just been sitting home.
GEORGE
(fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting
home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't
you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
ELAINE
(deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was
thinking.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his
coat.
JERRY
I want this baby fully loaded. (listens)
Well, how soon can you get
it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks,
bye.
Jerry hangs up and turns to George.
JERRY
Hey, guess what. I just bought my father
a Cadillac
GEORGE
Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.
JERRY
Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying
down there and surprising him.
Jerry walks to the kitchen.
GEORGE
You gonna sleep on the fold-out?
JERRY
(joyless) Yeah, yes.
Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a
plate.
GEORGE
Uh, let me ask you something. You uh,
you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?
JERRY
The actress?
GEORGE
Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't
she?
JERRY
Oh yeah.
GEORGE
Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
She happens to be very good friends
with her.
JERRY
Marisa Tomei?
GEORGE
Uh-hmm.
JERRY
How does she know Marisa Tomei?
GEORGE
I don't know, I didn't ask.
JERRY
You didn't ask how she knows Marisa
Tomei?
GEORGE
Not the point!
JERRY
Alright.
GEORGE
Can I finish?
JERRY
Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question,
is all I'm saying. I
would've asked her.
Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice
cream.
GEORGE
Alright! So, she said, that she could've
fixed me up with her.
JERRY
What d'you mean, could've?
GEORGE
Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
JERRY
Ohh!
GEORGE
Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei.
She said I was just her type!
JERRY
Really?
Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie.
GEORGE
(getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know
the odds of me being
anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently,
this Marisa
Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
JERRY
You know, she won an academy award?
GEORGE
(sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that?
(excitement) My Cousin
Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with
an Oscar
winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's
like if
fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn?
Same thing!
JERRY
Now there's a match. You and Katherine
Hepburn.
GEORGE
I mean, you've seen her, right?
JERRY
Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
GEORGE
(shout) Marisa Tomei!
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
GEORGE
I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's
just my type. The dark hair,
the full lips.
George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of
pie and ice
cream.
JERRY
You like full lips.
GEORGE
Oh, I love full lips. Something you
can really put the lipstick on.
The two sit on the couch.
JERRY
Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
Jerry takes a mouthful of pie.
GEORGE
(downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
There is a knock at the door.
JERRY
(about the pie) This is no good.
Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal
a guy in a
Plaza Cable cap.
JERRY
Hi.
NICK
Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with
Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother
you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting
about uh,
heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?
JERRY
No.
NICK
If you see him, Could you just tell
him the cable company was here?
JERRY
Sure.
NICK
Thanks.
The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch.
JERRY
(about the cable guy) Nice people.
Jerry sits beside George again.
GEORGE
Listen, lemme ask you a question. What
if I got a cup of coffee with
her?
JERRY
Well, what about Susan?
GEORGE
(worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee
with a person?! I'm not
allowed to have coffee?!
JERRY
Would you tell Susan about it?
GEORGE
(frustrated) Not necessarily.
JERRY
Well, if you can't tell Susan about
it, then there's something wrong.
GEORGE
(shouts) Of course there's something
wrong! (points at Jerry) We had
a pact!
Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters.
JERRY
Hey, cable guy's looking for you.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime
for free. See, they just
found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
JERRY
Well, said he was waiting about two
hours. Seemed a little put out.
KRAMER
Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable
man doesn't like to be kept
waiting.
JERRY
You don't seem too bothered by it.
KRAMER
You remember what they did to me ten
years ago? "Oh, we'll be there
in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between
two and
six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without
so much as a
phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all
over my nice
clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them.
Well, looks
like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
JERRY
Boy, I've never seen you like this.
KRAMER
Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
(George's Apartment)
George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video.
Onscreen,
Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems.
MARISA
...positrack, which was not available
on the sixty-four Buick
Skylark.
Susan enters
SUSAN
Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you
watching? What is that? My
Cousin Vinnie?
GEORGE
Yeah.
Susan stands behind George as she speaks.
SUSAN
I thought you saw that before. How come
you're watching that again?
GEORGE
I..I..I dunno.
SUSAN
Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar
for that? Boy, she's
beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.
George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear
he wishes
Susan looked like that.
SUSAN
Turn it off. You're making me jealous.
I'm gonna think you like her
more than you like me.
Susan leaves to the bedroom.
GEORGE
(forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.
When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping
an eye
open in case Susan returns.
(George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment)
ELAINE
Hello.
GEORGE
(whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks
to George.
ELAINE
George. How come you're whispering?
GEORGE
(still quiet) Never mind, never mind.
I need you to do me a favour.
Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
ELAINE
No.
GEORGE
(still quiet) Think, a second. You know,
your friend was talking
about me and, you know...
ELAINE
Ech, George, I have no idea what you're
talking about.
GEORGE
(still quiet) The actress.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
(shouts) Marisa Tomei!
Susan hears from the bedroom.
SUSAN
What?
GEORGE
(calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing.
Nothing.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?
GEORGE
Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
ELAINE
What? (shocked) What?! George, no way.
You're engaged!
GEORGE
A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't
mean anything.
ELAINE
Uhh. No George!
GEORGE
Elaine.
ELAINE
Forget it!
Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust.
GEORGE
Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!
Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips
the phone
under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin
Vinnie,
to provide an excuse for his raised voice.
GEORGE
D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this
guy!
Susan looks at him oddly.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and
Kramer peers
out into the hall through Jerry's peephole.
ELAINE
I can't believe you're buying your father
a car.
JERRY
And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
ELAINE
(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac!
(impressed) Wow.
Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves
over to the
table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the
'on'
position.
ELAINE
I had no idea you had this kind of money.
JERRY
Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about
it.
ELAINE
Yeah, I thought you were doing okay.
I just didn't think you were in
this kind of, you know, uh... position.
JERRY
Ah, it's just money.
ELAINE
(smiling) So, when're you getting back
from Florida?
JERRY
Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
ELAINE
I don't know. (big smile) Just, things
seem a little more exciting
when you're around. That's all.
JERRY
Are you okay?
ELAINE
(squeaky) Sure, sure.
JERRY
What was that?
Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry
and Elaine to
quieten down.
KRAMER
Quiet, quiet.
(Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)
Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders
up to
Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed.
NICK
Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives
here?
GEORGE
Yeah.
George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still
talking.
NICK
(quietly angry) All morning I been waiting
here. All morning.
Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited
satisfaction.
NICK
(still angry) The guy says he's gonna
be home. I show up and all I do
is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna
put up with
it much longer.
The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak
to Jerry
and Elaine.
KRAMER
I'm loving this.
Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens
the door.
The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters.
Kramer
peers round George to check the cable guy's gone.
GEORGE
Kramer, there's a guy out here that...
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes
the door
behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine.
GEORGE
(pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very
much for yesterday, by the
way.
ELAINE
Jerry, he want me to fix him up with
Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be
a part of this!
GEORGE
(animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee!
A cup of coffee is not a fix
up!
ELAINE
You wanna meet her. You wanna see if
she likes you?
GEORGE
(defensive) So what? So what if I do?
ELAINE
(shrill) You're engaged!
GEORGE
(worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But
this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine.
An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing
I coulda been
with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short,
stocky,
balding funny men!
JERRY
I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
GEORGE
Yeah, what the hell?!
ELAINE
George! It's cheating.
GEORGE
(adamant) It's not cheating if there's
no sex!
ELAINE
Yes it is!
GEORGE
(frustrated) Ahh!
ELAINE
(looking for support) Jerry!
Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank
notes and
is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that
currency.
She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money.
JERRY
Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses
counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I
didn't hear what you said.
Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash.
GEORGE
(pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you
just make the call? (indicates
the phone) Please, make the call.
ELAINE
(distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll
make...
Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number.
GEORGE
(triumph) Alright.
Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was
up to. He
stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously
been paying
more attention, even as she dialled the phone.
ELAINE
Eight-fifty.
JERRY
Oh, right.
Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up.
ELAINE
So uh, how are you getting to the airport?
D'you need a ride, or...
JERRY
No, don't be silly, I've arranged a
car.
As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in
his path,
smiling flirtatiously.
ELAINE
You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
JERRY
Maybe I'll let you pick me up.
ELAINE
(big smile) Okay.
Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads
for the
bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's
line. As Elaine
speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of
dances.
ELAINE
Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens)
Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens)
Oh, really?
Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease
dancing.
ELAINE
Well, could you tell her Elaine called?
Yeah, thanks.
Elaine turns to an expectant George.
ELAINE
Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned)
She has an arrhythmia.
GEORGE
(impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over
and grabs
the box he's eating from.
HELEN
Morty, what d'you have to open this
box for? (waving at another box)
There's already a box of cookies open.
MORTY
I wanted a Chip Ahoy.
HELEN
I don't like all these open boxes.
Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard.
MORTY
Look, I got a few good years left. If
I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having
it.
The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags.
JERRY
Surprise!
MORTY
(shout) Jerry!
HELEN
(shock) Oh, my god!
MORTY
What the hell are you doing here?
JERRY
I'm a good son.
HELEN
Just like that? No calls?
JERRY
Just like that.
MORTY
Boy, you are really something.
HELEN
To what do we owe this great honour?
JERRY
You wanna know? Come on outside.
MORTY
Outside? What's going on?
HELEN
Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting
happens.
Helen darts out of the door eagerly.
MORTY
(laughs) Heh hah!
JERRY
C'mon, c'mon.
Morty follows Helen outside.
(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming
in the
Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it.
JERRY
Well, what d'you think?
MORTY
Look at this! Look at this! (excited)
You bought a Cadillac?!
JERRY
I bought it for you. It's yours.
Morty and Helen both look astonished.
MORTY
You what? You bought me a Cadillac?
JERRY
I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over
the keys) Here you go.
HELEN
(sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your
mind?
JERRY
What?
MORTY
(to Helen) You don't want it? Are you
kidding?
HELEN
He's not buying us a Cadillac.
MORTY
What are you, nuts?
HELEN
It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but
take it back.
Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back
to Jerry.
MORTY
(to Jerry) Can you believe this?!
HELEN
I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac.
He hasn't got that kind of
money.
JERRY
How d'you know?
HELEN
Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.
JERRY
Why can't I buy my father a car?
HELEN
Your father doesn't need a car.
MORTY
Yes, I do!
Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry.
HELEN
Oh, Morty.
MORTY
We're keeping it.
HELEN
Over my dead body.
Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle
for
possession, watched by Jerry.
JERRY
(under his breath) Well, this worked
out just as I had hoped.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on
a table, are
his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer
doesn't
answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up.
MACHINE
Giddyup.
NICK
Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza
Cable.
Kramer smiles on hearing the voice.
NICK
Well, I waited all morning again. You
said you were gonna be
there from nine to one.
Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to
listen.
NICK
I was there. Where were you? You think
I got nothing better to
do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!
Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs
to himself.
NICK
You're not gonna get away with this!
(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door.
They're
going through the features of the car.
MORTY
Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got
a memory, in case somebody
moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my
seat goes
right back to where I like it.
JERRY
That's what I was thinking.
Jack Klompus approaches the car.
JACK
(pointing) Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hiya, Jack.
Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it.
MORTY
(indicating) So, how d'you like this?
JACK
Who's car?
MORTY
It's mine.
JACK
Yours?
MORTY
That's right. My son bought it for me.
JACK
He what?
MORTY
My son bought me the car. It's a present.
JACK
(disbelief) You bought it?
JERRY
That's right. I bought it.
MORTY
You ever see one so nice?
JACK
Some car.
MORTY
You wanna take a ride?
JACK
No, thank you.
MORTY
C'mon, take a ride.
JACK
I don't wanna take a ride.
MORTY
Why not?
JACK
I don't feel like taking a ride. Do
I have to take a ride?!
JERRY
He doesn't wanna take a ride.
MORTY
Uh huh.
JACK
(worked up) What d'you think? I've never
ridden in a Cadillac before?
Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
MORTY
(skeptical) Thousands?!
JACK
What? D'you think you're such a big
shot now, because you got a
Cadillac?
MORTY
(dismissive) Ahh!
JACK
(dismissive) Yaah!
Jack angrily stalks away.
MORTY
Could you believe that guy?
JERRY
Aahh!
(Hospital Room)
George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone.
GEORGE
Anyway, I was thinking about what you
said. About uh, me and Marisa.
The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing
an oxygen
mask and has an intravenous drip in her.
GEORGE
You know, about the uh, two of us getting
together. And I know that
I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really
just something
you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady,
engaged, it's,
it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching
uh, My Cousin
Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking
that uh,
you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles)
So,
what d'you, what d'you think?
Katy is still unconscious.
GEORGE
(urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes.
Can you move a pinkie?
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and
he answers
it.
KRAMER
Y'hello.
NICK
(inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi,
uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah,
this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about
some
trouble on your line.
Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice.
KRAMER
Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
NICK
Uh, the thing is, we happen to have
a man right in your
neighbourhood.
Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open
a couple of
blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone
box across
the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with
the Plaza Cable
insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the
cable guy.
KRAMER
(playing along) Ohh, is that right?
Well, I have been having a
little trouble with my call-waiting.
NICK
We can fix that. We can fix that.
KRAMER
(sitting back on the couch) Oh, can
you? That's funny, because, as
it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone
company
would know that.
NICK
Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry,
I was looking at the wrong
work order.
KRAMER
Yeah. Could you hold on for a second?
I've got something on the
stove.
Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on.
It plays
cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the
door.
(Street)
Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening
to the cheesy
music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his
watch.
Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard.
KRAMER
Hey, McNab!
THe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window
of a cab as it
passes.
KRAMER
Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't
you stop by?
Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy,
as the cab
accelerates away.
(Tenant's Committee, Florida)
Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy
looking Jack
Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering.
He
bangs a gavel to get their attention.
MORTY
Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the
restoration of the fence at
the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting
bids.
HERB
C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six
months already. What the hell
are you doing?
MORTY
Well, I, as your president, have to
find the best price, and right
now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.
JACK
(half to himself) I'll bet you don't.
MORTY
What was that?
JACK
C'mon Morty, the jig is up!
MORTY
What're you talking about?
JACK
I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole
meeting, holding my tongue.
I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any
longer.
HERB
What's going on, Jack?
JACK
I'll tell you what's going on. Morty
Seinfeld has been stealing funds
from the treasury.
MORTY
Stealing?!
RALPH
What proof do you have?
JACK
Proof? You want proof? He's driving
around in a brand new Cadillac.
Now what more proof do you want?
MORTY
My son bought me that car!
JACK
Your son?
MORTY
Yeah.
JACK
Your son could never afford that car.
We all saw his act, last year,
at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!
HERB
Jack's right! He stinks!
RALPH
It's his material.
MORTY
I tell you, he bought it for me!
HERB
(bangs table with his fist) I move for
a full investigation!
RALPH
I second.
Morty looks dumbstruck.
(George's Apartment)
George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen,
the
ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines.
MARISA
...go introduce myself.
Susan enters, with a bag of groceries.
SUSAN
Hey! What're you watching? (looks at
TV) Only You? That's another
Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly)
What, d'you
have a thing for her?
GEORGE
(laughing it off and trying too hard)
Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for
Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky,
bald man.
(forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's
an Oscar
winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know
her. It's not
like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix
me up with
Marisa Tomei?
SUSAN
What are you talking about?
Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking
bemused by
George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as
he slips off
into a daydream.
(George Dream Sequence)
George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light.
Then
Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress,
and her hair
up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at
him lovingly.
MARISA
Have I told you how much I love you
today?
GEORGE
Not in the last fifteen minutes.
MARISA
Well, I do love you very much.
GEORGE
And I love you, Marisa.
MARISA
Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're
going to be late for the
premiere.
George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and
slowly
recline onto the couch.
(George's Apartment)
Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly
reclining
onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his
head, in the
fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head
from the
cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into
the
kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the
couch and
lies down.
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious
Morty
delivers his news.
HELEN
Impeachment?
MORTY
That's right. Have you ever heard of
anything like that?
HELEN
Can they do that?
MORTY
If they get the votes.
HELEN
I told you we shouldn't have let him
give us the car.
JERRY
Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of
sale? That proves I paid for
it.
MORTY
It doesn't make a difference. They think
we're in cahoots.
JERRY
You know, you could put a fence around
these condos, and call it an insane
asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
MORTY
No-one's ever been impeached before.
I couldn't live here. We'd have to move
to Boca.
There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn
walks in.
EVELYN
Hello?
JERRY
Oh, hi Evelyn.
Morty sits by the table.
EVELYN
Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds)
I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.
HELEN
What'd he say?
EVELYN
He's voting to impeach.
Morty thumps the table with his fist.
EVELYN
Not because he think you stole the money,
but mainly because you never thanked
him for giving you his aisle seat at
Freddy Roman's show.
MORTY
I did so thank him!
HELEN
(admonishing) No, he never heard you.
(prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't
hear you.
MORTY
Ah, he's deaf anyway.
EVELYN
Now, my sources tell me, there's three
votes for impeachment, three votes against
impeachment, and one undecided.
MORTY
Who's that?
EVELYN
Mrs Choate.
JERRY
Who's she?
MORTY
Oh, that one. She's been a member of
the board longer than anybody. She's
very tough to deal with.
HELEN
Maybe we should have her over for coffee,
and explain our side of it?
MORTY
That's a good idea.
EVELYN
Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's,
tonight.
HELEN
(surprise) The Lichtenberg's?
EVELYN
Yes, they're having a party.
HELEN
We weren't invited.
EVELYN
Oh. Probably they think you're too good
for them. You know, because of the car.
Jerry puts his face in his hands.
THE END
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