THE CADILLAC PART 2
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out.
He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.
Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put
the bar in the middle of the bed?
Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings
and Jerry picks it up.
On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York.
(flirtatious) Hi Jerry.
Elaine? Wh..what's going on?
Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats
playfully with Jerry.
(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean,
I'm not really doing that much this
weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what
the hell, maybe I'll come down there
and hang out a little.
(a little confused) You wanna hang out
here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar
Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's
Well, it's just two hours by plane...
Gee, I dunno what to tell you.
There is a beep from Elaine's phone.
Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang
on, don't hang up Jerry.
Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call.
The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing
(urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got
to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!
(impatient) Okay, George, I am on the
other line. I promise you, I'll get
you her number.
George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch.
Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with
(smiling and flirty) Hi.
So, what d'you think?
Uh, I don't think so.
I'll be back on Monday.
Well, if you need that ride, just uhm,
gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I
can meet you at the gate, Jer.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll
Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks.
(urgent) Jerry? Jerry?
(putting the phone back to his ear)
Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine.
The phone rings and Kramer picks up.
Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on
the phone. He's
writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer.
Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran,
from Con Ed.
Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the
Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?
Yeah. We've had some reports of power
surges in your building. It
seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged
some of the
Oh, you don't say.
Kramer walks to his window as he listens.
(a little confused by Kramer) Yeah.
Either way, we need to get into your
apartment and do a safety check.
Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there
is no cable guy in
the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the
(impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are
(confused) What're you talking about?
Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back
on the table.
John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief.
Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy,
Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa
Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine)
And I wasn't even that nervous.
Elaine watches George, as he rambles on.
You know, I can't remember the last
time I called a woman without being
nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...
(looking at her watch) Okay, well that's
all the time we have for today.
Why don't we pick up with this next week?
Hey, where you going?
I got stuff to do.
What? You can't leave yet.
We have to discuss my alibi.
Alibi? What does that have to do with
I usually spend Saturday afternoons
with Susan. She's gonna want to know
what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.
Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?
(pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You
were with me.
Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George.
Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?
What is the difference?
Because, if you ever see her and it
comes up, we have to be in sync.
Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows
his brow in
Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points)
George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets
a flash of
Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist,
and I'm afraid, and I want you to
go with me.
Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture.
(dismissive) It's no good.
Elaine looks offended.
(pointedly) Okay. Fine.
I don't like the way you just rejected
Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive
here. This is a give and take
I thought that my suggestion was good.
And, I think you could've been a
little more tactful.
(explaining, with lots of hand gestures)
Okay, look. We've never worked
together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have
a certain way of
working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows
how I work. It's
not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with
possible lie. That's what this is all about.
Fine, fine, fine.
The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George
Okay. How about this?
(pleased with himself) You are having
problems with your boyfriend and I
am meeting you to discuss the situation.
I don't have a boyfriend.
(still pleased) She doesn't know that.
We say that you do.
(not convinced) Ech.
It's good. Believe me.
I thought my idea was just as good.
The dentist thing?
(pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.
Alright, the dentist thing was not good.
Okay, alright. What's his name? Who
(after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.
(incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is
That's your boyfriend.
What does he do?
He's an importer.
Just imports? No exports?
(getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter.
Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What
is the problem we're discussing?
(thoughtful) Yes. Yes.
Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought.
Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures)
How 'bout this? How about, he's
thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on
the importing. And
this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?
Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical,
seems offended again.
(irked) Oh, what? You don't like that
It's very complicated.
(definitely irritated) You know, it
seems to me that it's all you, and
none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know
it all and I am
Miss Stupid. Right?
George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down.
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless
What're you doing? Are you making coffee?
Well, maybe you better make a pot of
Morty, you're driving me crazy.
Look, I don't want anything to go wrong.
If this woman votes to impeach
me, I'll be a laughing stock.
You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to
pay the consequences.
The doorbell chimes.
There she is.
Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate
Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.
Oh, come in, come in. May I take your
No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's
taking my coat.
Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?
Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with
lemon, if you have it.
I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have
a seat. That's a lovely scarf
you're wearing. Where did you get it?
Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch.
Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.
Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating)
this is my son, Jerry.
Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as
he recognises Mrs
Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye".
(New York Street, "The Rye")
Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag.
Gimme that rye!
Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!
Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip.
Shut up, you old bag!
Jerry races away down the street with the rye.
(shouting after him) Thief! Stop him!
Stop him, he's got my rye!
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Jerry manages to regain a normal expression.
Nice to meet you.
(holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives
in New York. You just came from
New York, didn't you?
Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate
connecting him with
Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and
I'll never go back. The crime
there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble
rye, right on the
Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers
and cups from
the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate.
(sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They
stole a rye? Why would they steal a
That's what the city's turning into.
They'll steal anything.
They're like savages.
Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
(peering at Jerry) You look very familiar.
Have we ever met?
You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?
Maybe you've seen him on television.
Jerry's a comedian.
Naw, I don't watch TV.
Jerry has moved rapidly to the door.
(opening the door) Well, it was nice
Jerry, don't go.
Ah, I think I'll go.
Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him.
So, Morty, what's this all about? What
Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat,
heading for the
Hey, where're you going?
Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go
Elaine? What for?
I don't know. She..She's having some
problems with this guy she's
I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art
So what does he do?
He's an importer-exporter.
What kind of problems are they having?
(not happy delivering Elaine's lie)
Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit
the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a
she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
Susan looks unconvinced.
Are you having an affair with Elaine?
(trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon!
I'm having an affair with
Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell
you I'm going to
see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was
gonna go see,
and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.
George gives a smile and slides out the door.
Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries.
aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind
shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is
in a position he
can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image
of a Plaza Cable
truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run.
Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile
comes to his face,
as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a
little shrug of
satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and
begins to walk on,
with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the
cable truck comes
to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head
The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger
through the truck
window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter
bin, drops his
groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his
truck and begins
to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning
sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit.
(Variety of New York locations)
Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later,
by the cable
Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and
then sets off
running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same
wall and sets off
Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the
cable guy just a
few yards behind.
Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of
the roof and
looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly
for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings.
his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up,
across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks
himself up and
sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the
same gap, looks
down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting
(yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll
get you! I'll get you Kramer! You
won't get away with this!
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters.
Alright, are you ready to eat?
(glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's
go. Jerry, let's go, it's time
to eat. We're going to dinner.
Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants,
and holding a
comic book he's been reading.
(confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
(pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.
(bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner
By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter
I don't understand why we have to eat
We gotta catch the early-bird. It's
only between four-thirty and six.
Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a
salad and a baked potato, for
four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?
Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll
You're not buying us dinner.
(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself
a steak at four-thirty to save a
coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!
Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll
wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard
Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his
George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and
interested, smiling and laughing.
...So, anyway, if you think about it,
manure is not really that bad a
word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front
of it, which is
also good. Ma-newer , right?
(laughing) You're so right. I never
thought of it like that. Manure.
'Ma' and the 'newer'.
Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily.
Did you just make that up?
What, you think I'm doing material here?
(laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe
anyone could be so spontaneously
(modest) And I'm a little tired.
Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously.
So, tell me, how is it that a man like
you, so bald, and so quirky and
funny, how is it you're not taken?
Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm
sort of engaged.
Marisa's face falls in disappointment.
I'm, you know, engaged.
Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches
George in the
face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful
spot where he
received the blow.
(Outside Scott's, Florida)
A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives
up to the
front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right
Hey look, there's a spot right in front.
Always, Jerry. Always.
The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's
emerge Jack and
Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick
Was that delicious or what?
Where you gonna get a better meal than
Better than Danny's.
Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!
The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus
Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well,
missed the early bird.
(pointed) Must be nice to have that
kind of money.
Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant.
Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock.
(pointed) Your suddenly
well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office.
kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your
Morty is looking confident, even smug.
They're not kicking me out. You don't
have the votes.
That's what you think.
Yes, we will.
Awright, let's eat already.
The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the
Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious
Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.
Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door.
(standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask
you a question.
(dead serious) Are you having an affair
(disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter)
Ha ha ha. Ha, no.
Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard.
(laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter)
I mean, why would anyone
Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies
...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief)
Ap..ap, Chu... Why would
you think I was having an affair with George?
Ohh, because he said that he had to
talk with you earlier about some
problem that you were having.
(recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah,
I did have to talk with him. I
definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
Yeah, Art Vandelay.
I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel
like an idiot.
(smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu.
Oh, just forget that we ever talked.
It is so forgotten.
Susan moves toward the door.
Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.
Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her.
So, was George helpful at all?
(unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he
was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm,
because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing
business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.
(not convinced) Yeah.
(explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George
felt that I was too adamant in
my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about
(spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute.
I thought that Art wanted to
give up the exporting.
What'd I say?
(caught out) I did. Uh...
So, what does he uh, import?
(extemporising) Uh... chips.
Oh. What kinda chips?
(embroidering) Some corn.
And what does he export?
(fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering
Oh, no, it's okay.
Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes
The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her
phone and dials a
number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate
for a response.
(to herself) C'mon, George, pick up.
Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.
Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens
enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him.
Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does
Art Vandelay import?
George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment
Matches? Long matches.
Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George
today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow,
and Susan slams
the door behind him.
(Tenant's Committee, Florida)
Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit
other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives
present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate
coming in through
...There she is. Okay, if I can have
your attention for a minute here.
We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two,
to consider a
motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.
Mrs Choate sits beside Morty.
Because I have the votes.
Morty turns to Mrs Choate.
Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.
Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs
Building A. Are you for, or against,
the motion to impeach?
What does that mean?
It means, if you're for the motion,
you're against Morty.
So why don't you say that?
Hey, I'm running the meeting.
If you think so.
(a whisper to Morty) I can't believe
you got that old bag.
Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She
(New York Street, "The Rye")
Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing
a marble rye.
Help! Someone help!
Shut up, you old bag!
Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street.
(after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!
(Tenant's Committee, Florida)
Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and
It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your
son. Now I know where I saw
him. He stole my marble rye.
My son never stole anything. He's a
They should lock him up.
(pointing at Morty) Like father, like
son. (thumps table) I change
my vote. I vote to impeach!
Me too. I change my vote.
All those in favour, say aye.
Morty forlornly raises his hand.
The ayes have it. The motion passes.
Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty.
Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed
as condo president. As
vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two
hereby installed as president.
Jack stands to acknowledge the honour.
Hear, hear, Jack.
Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud
disgruntled Morty remains silent.
(Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)
A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door.
He knocks and
there's no response.
(weary) Alright, I know you're in there.
I know you can hear me. You win,
okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me?
Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I
see now how we
made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why
we do it. (upset) I
guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people.
that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no
more 'one to
five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna
o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell
you why. (worked
up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost
Anyway, that's it.
The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens,
emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a
few seconds. Then
Kramer steps forward and they hug.
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home.
Helen holds his
coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him
a blue hat. Jerry
enters through the front door.
The bags are in the car, I guess we
Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over
her arm. Morty
waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He
stands by the
door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits,
closing the door
(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)
The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they
walk, they pass
the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod
they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands
in the open door
of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big
arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before
climbing into the
car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and
Morty slowly drives the Cadillac away.