Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan
It is pretty hard to justify, at this
point in history, the existence of men
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,
and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous,
yup, I've got
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just
proud of anything
that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to
them. What is the
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the
breast pocket of our
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut
to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are
toasting in champagne.
To your promotion.
Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank
you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Well, you're really on your way now.
Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.
You really oughtta do something about
You got a raise?
I don't fool around, baby!
I thought you said Pendant was in financial
They were, but they're being absorbed
by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
Oh, when did that happen?
They're signing the papers next week.
Does this mean they're gonna be publishing
Kramer's coffee table book?
Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion,
plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking
about moving in together.
Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure
Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud
Speaking of having it all ... Where
I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange
Oh, the beach.
It's not working, Jerry. It's just not
What is it that isn't working?
Why did it all turn out like this for
me? I had so much promise. I was personable,
I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically
speaking, but ... I was perceptive.
I always know when someone's uncomfortable
at a party. It became very clear to
me sitting out there today, that every
decision I've ever made, in my entire
life, has been wrong. My life is the
opposite of everything I want it to
be. Every instinct I have, in every
of life, be it something to wear, something
to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A waitress comes up to G )
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always
have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked
out for me with tuna on toast. I want
the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken
salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup
Well, there's no telling what can happen
You know chicken salad is not the opposite
of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna,
'cos salmon swim against the current,
and the tuna swim with it.
Good for the tuna.
( A blonde looks at George )
Ah, George, you know, that woman just
looked at you.
So what? What am I supposed to do?
Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and
no money, who live with their parents,
don't approach strange women.
Well here's your chance to try the opposite.
Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated
by women, chicken salad and going right
up to them.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
If every instinct you have is wrong,
then the opposite would have to be right.
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used
to sit here and do nothing, and regret
it for the rest of the day, so now I
will do the opposite, and I will do
( He goes over to the woman )
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
that you were looking in my direction.
Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the
same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
My name is George. I'm unemployed and
I live with my parents.
I'm Victoria. Hi.
Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
Are you kidding? They can't cancel that
show on me now, it's too late for me
to book anything else for that weekend.
Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
( Enter Kramer )
Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
The coffee table book. It's a go!
Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
You know what this means? I'm starting
the book tour. First stop: Regis and
You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
Oh, you better believe it!
I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
What're you gonna talk about?
Well, coffee tables.
( The phone rings )
Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it.
I just had something cancelled the same
weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
( Turns to K )
You know, life is amazing. I just lost
a job and five minutes later get another,
same weekend, same money.
You know who you are? Even Steven
Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving
Are you growing a beard?
Why shave every day? It just grows right
I guess ...
I'm afraid I'm just not interested in
how I present myself. If those kind
of superficialities are important to
you, this probably isn't gonna work.
( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver
Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did
you see that?!
Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not
the end of the world.
Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G
Hey baby, how about a little tongue
Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
( They kick G and Victoria's seats )
What are we gonna do? Shall we just
That won't be necessary.
( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
Shut your traps and stop kicking the
seats! We're trying to watch the movie!
And if I have to tell you again, we're
gonna take it outside and I'm gonna
show you what it's like! You understand
me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try
me. Because I would love it!
( People applaud as G sits down again )
Cut to G's car
Are you sure you don't wanna come up,
I mean, it's only nine thirty.
I don't think we should. We really don't
know each other very well.
Who are you, George Costanza?
I'm the opposite of every guy you've
Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal
Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
An accident? What happened?
He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's
alright. He's in St.Vincent
Hospital, room 907.
Oh. Ok. Thank you.
( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to
the counter )
Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?
Cut to hospital
So, then, you know, the light was clearly
green, I started walking, he skidded
and he went right into my hip.
( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit )
Oh, that is so terrible. That is so
terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people
be so stupid? Just sickening.
( Jake looks at E eating )
You want one?
So when do you think you're gonna get
Where did you get those?
At the movies.
Didn't the theater manager give you
the message before you went in?
Yeah, he did.
Then when did you get those?
Right after ... that ...
So you heard that I was in a car accident
, and then decided to stop off for some
Well... the counter...was right there,
I would think, under the circumstances,
it would have sent you running out the
building. Apparently, it didn't have
any effect on you.
No, no, it does!
If you got into a car accident, I can
guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
I would like to be alone now, please.
But, Jake, I didn't...
Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's
having a poker night.
Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
How'd you do?
Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
Can I bring out our next guest now?
Young guy, he's got a new book coming
out, and it's about, and this is the
best part -
I love this.
It's a coffee table book about coffee
Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is
I think so too. Did you get to meet
him back stage?
I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't
I love his hair.
Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be
a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if
you will, would you please welcome:
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
I don't know, maybe it's the hair or
Kramer. So, a coffee table book about
coffee tables. Where did you come up
with this idea?
Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis...
actually, this is a true story. I was
skiing at the time.
You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm
trying not to kill myself, and you're
Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out
and try that. You stay in school!
Have you always had an interest in coffee
tables, because, really, I love coffee
tables, and I thought I was the only
You see the beauty of my book is, if
you don't have a coffee table, it turns
into a coffee table.
( Demonstrates with his book )
Is that fabulous?
Look at this!
Is that fabulous?
I want one of these.
Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
This coffee table (book) is full of
pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
That's true. That's right.
Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's
Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points
to his head )
I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He
But he's adorable.
( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy
Lee's dress )
We'll be right back.
Cut to Jerry's apartment
So it's all over?
Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
It's not like I went across the street.
I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in
Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
Because I got popcorn too, and I ate
( E points to the table )
What's all this?
Played cards last night.
Oh yeah? How'd you do?
You always break even.
Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost
a job, and then I got another one, and
then I missed a TV show, and later on
they re-ran it. And then today I missed
a train, went outside and caught a bus.
It never fails! I always even out!
Do you have twenty bucks?
Just gimme twenty bucks.
( E takes the money and throws it out the window )
What the hell was that?
Let's see if you get the twenty bucks
You know you could've thrown a pencil
out the window and seen if that came
You know, things were going so good
for me, you know, I got the job
promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
Well, maybe next time someone's in a
car accident you won't stop off for
( George comes in )
Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I
tell you this, something is happening
in my life. I did this opposite thing
last night. Up was down, black was white,
good was -
Day was -
So you just did the opposite of everything?
Yes. And listen to this, listen to this;
her uncle works for the Yankees and
he's gonna get me a job interview. A
front office kind of thing. Assistant
to the travelling secretary. A job with
the New York Yankees! This has been
the dream of my life ever since I was
a child, and it's all happening because
I'm completely ignoring every urge towards
common sense and good judgment I've
ever had. This is no longer just some
crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
So I guess your Messiah would be the
( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket
Elaine ... look! A twenty!
Oh my God.
Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
Kramer. Come in.
How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts
his arm around the tobacco store Indian
Have a seat.
What, have you got yourself a cold?
( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )
Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself
some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
The reason I asked you in here, is I
caught your appearance on "Regis and
Kathy Lee" the other day and -
It was pretty good, huh?
( New sneeze, K jumps again )
Anyway, the thinking here is that it
would be best if you didn't do any more
of these shows.
Because of the coffee thing?
Kramer, I'm sorry.
What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're
not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
It's out -
She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Kramer, I -
( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )
Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview
Why don't you tell me about some of
your previous job experiences?
Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in
publishing ... I got fired for having
sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Alright, before that, I was in real
estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't
let me use his private bathroom. That
Do you talk to everybody like this?
My niece told me you were different.
I am different, yeah.
I gotta tell you, you are the complete
opposite of every applicant we've seen.
( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )
Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone
here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr.
Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I wish I could say the same, but
I must say, with all due respect, I
find it very hard to see the logic behind
some of the moves you have made with
this fine organization. In the past
twenty years you have caused myself,
and the city of New York, a good deal
of distress, as we have watched you
take our beloved Yankees and reduced
them to a laughing stock, all for the
glorification of your massive ego!
Hire this man!
Cut to Pendant Publishing
Tina Robbins is here to see you.
Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out
four years ago, but I've been sub-
letting my apartment from her.
Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the
door ) Hey.
So, I haven't seen you in a while.
Elaine, we have a problem.
Well, what is it?
You're getting kicked out.
Kicked out?! Why?!
Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed
up a jewel thief.
I didn't know who he was!
That's why there's a buzzer.
Well, apparently, the week after that,
you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses
and they couldn't get them out of the
What else have you got?
Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list
from her bag )
Cut to Monk's
I'll tell you what the big advantage
of homosexuality is. If you're going
out with someone your size, right there
you double your wardrobe.
Oh, come on, that's a huge feature.
When they approach a new recruit, I'm
sure that's one of the big selling points.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Well, I don't think we should see each
other any more.
Oh, that's okay.
Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet
Sure. See, things always even out for
It's fine. Anyway, it's been really
nice dating you for a while. And ...
Yeah, you too.
Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment
The New York Yankees?!
The New York Yankees!
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
I'm the assistant to the travelling
secretary. I'm going on the road trips
with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm
working in Yankee Stadium! This is a
dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
I can't believe it.
( The door buzzes, J lets E up )
And I' moving out of my parents' house,
I'm taking that apartment on 86th street,
remember the one we saw?
That's a great place!
I'm back in business, baby!
George, I wouldn't get too excited about
this stuff, you know, things have a
way of evening out.
Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too
How're things going?
How're things going? You wanna know
how things are going? I'll tell you
how things are going. I am getting kicked
out of my apartment!
Why? Why are they doing that?
I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
The jewel thief?
Yeah, the jewel thief.
I put Canadian quarters in the washing
machine. I gotta be out by the end of
Well, you could move in with my parents.
Was that the ... opposite ... of what
you were going to say, or was that just
instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between
her fingers )
Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps
G on the forehead )
Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll
even out, see, I have two friends, you
were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're
down. You see how it all evens out for
Cut to Pendant Publishing
Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi
Alright... tell them I'll be right there.
Well, this is it, Elaine. You know,
without this merger, we'd be out on
the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which
he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell
him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)
( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he
sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he
is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted
him and started talking to him )
Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that
we undertake this partnership with your
( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )
I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your
hand right now. It's germs.
( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a
rather hostile atmosphere )
Cut to George's parents' house
Is that the end of it?
Yeah, it's the last one.
I can't believe you're moving out. (
Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true?
Is it really happening? It's ... it's
like a dream.
Oh, it's true.
Alright, let's go.
Don't get in trouble with the Yankees.
You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )
I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I
got the job.
Jerry, did you hear this?
He knows what he's doing.
( G pulls both his parents to him )
I just want the both of you to know
how much you mean to me, and I love
you both very, very much.
( K and J look at each other )
Cut to Monk's
I must've had at least eight in my mouth.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Why'd you have to eat so many?
Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them.
I didn't know it would start a chain
reaction that would lead to the end
of Pendant Publishing.
Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee
Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd
you expect him to blow his nose?
Do you know what's going on here? Can't
you see what's happened? I've become
Don't say that.
It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )
Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings
and salutations. What a beautiful day
for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits
down, says to waitress:)
Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what
I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a
little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first
base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm
not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it
stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
( J and K pay the check )
Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine
was more than yours.
Ah ... let's call it even.
Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage
a lot of accessories around it. Coffee
cake, coffee table, coffee table book,
clutches of people. Say what you want
about alcohol, but not only are there
not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol
actually helps you get rid of things.
Family, home, job, driver's license.
In fact, at a certain point, the only
thing you have to remember to get, is
more alcohol And maybe a rag for your