THE CHECKS
Written by
Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Street)
Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple
of carrier bags
she's fussing with the contents of.
JERRY
Hey, have you seen all these new commercials
for indigestion drugs?
Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
ELAINE
Ugh, the whole country's sick to their
stomach.
JERRY
Now, you know you're supposed to take
these things before you get
sick?
Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.
ELAINE
What is this, a 'bit'?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
'Cos I'm not in the mood.
JERRY
We're just talking. Is this not the
greatest marketing ploy ever? If
you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
ELAINE
Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
JERRY
They've opened up a whole new market.
Medication for the well.
ELAINE
(tired) Alright, are you done with your
little amusement?
JERRY
(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
ELAINE
It was okay, but move the 'medication
for the well' to the front, and
hit the word 'good' harder.
JERRY
(thinking) Great. Thanks.
(Some Fancy Place)
The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around,
chatting and
drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the
room, carrying
drinks.
ELAINE
So, your firm designed all the furniture
in here?
BRETT
We manufacture it. The original designs
are by Karl Farbman.
Elaine and Brett sit on a couch
ELAINE
(as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
BRETT
You know Farbman?
ELAINE
Mm, love Farbman.
BRETT
Most people go their whole lives without
sitting in a Farbman.
ELAINE
Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs)
Ahaha.
Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears
the music and
is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to
everything but
the song.
ELAINE
Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed
shoes?
Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to
stare off into
the distance.
ELAINE
Brett? Don't you think that would be
great?
Brett still doesn't react.
ELAINE
Brett?
BRETT
(still staring off) After the song,
babe.
ELAINE
Huh?
BRETT
The song.
Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by
his
sensitivity.
(Street)
Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant
and walk
along the street.
JERRY
So when do I meet this jerk?
ELAINE
He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works
with Karl Farbman.
JERRY
Who?
ELAINE
(dismissive) I dunno, some designer.
Anyway, Brett is so generous,
and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
JERRY
What song?
ELAINE
Desperado.
JERRY
Desperado?
ELAINE
Uh huh.
JERRY
And you're still dating him? I tell
you who sounds a little desperado.
Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk,
twirling a
brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.
JERRY
(pointing toward the guy) See that salesman,
twirling that umbrella.
ELAINE
Uh huh.
JERRY
I invented that.
ELAINE
That, had to be invented?
JERRY
When I started out as a comedian, I
sold umbrellas. It was my idea to
twirl it, to attract customers.
Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced.
ELAINE
(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why
don't we ask him about it?
Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy.
JERRY
Elaine.
ELAINE
Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm,
my, uh, friend here says that he
invented that little twirl you're doing.
JERRY
Elaine, please, it was a long time ago.
The man doesn't want a history
lesson.
CLICKY
Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
ELAINE
(looking at Jerry) Ohh.
JERRY
I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with
him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
CLICKY
Yeah, that's where he come up with it.
JERRY
In his dreams.
ELAINE
Alright, can we (glances at her watch)
go?
Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.
JERRY
(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing
it too fast. You'll disorient the
customers.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits
in a chair
with a magazine.
JERRY
It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
GEORGE
(pulls a face) I find it disorienting.
Who buys an umbrella anyway?
Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
JERRY
(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong
to people.
Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the
kitchen. The
door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.
KRAMER
Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This
was downstairs for you.
Ker-ching.
JERRY
(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more
checks. They're coming faster
than I can sign 'em.
GEORGE
What checks?
KRAMER
Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star
in Japan.
JERRY
I don't know why. There's a one-second
clip of me in the opening
credits of some Japanese comedy show.
KRAMER
Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
JERRY
(opening the envelope and pulling out
a stack of checks) They run it
all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
GEORGE
Look at all of those! You're rich!
JERRY
Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents.
It's barely worth the pain in
my hand to sign 'em.
Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella.
He reaches
under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally
opens it.
He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
(getting a bottle of water out of the
fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's
new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of
drawers. It's
a Farbman.
George wanders over.
GEORGE
He's giving you furniture? Who is this
guy?
JERRY
Ah, who are any of her losers?
GEORGE
(dryly) You're on that list.
George goes and gets his coat.
GEORGE
Alright, I gotta go home and open up
with the house for the carpet
cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five
dollars.
KRAMER
Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet
Cleaners?
EGO
Yeah, you heard of 'em?
KRAMER
They're a crazy religious cult. The
carpet cleaning is just a means
for them to get into your apartment.
GEORGE
So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning,
I can listen to some pointless
blather.
JERRY
I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
(Street)
Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand,
as if it's
giving him discomfort.
JERRY
Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
KRAMER
Hello, twelve dollars.
Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One
of them steps
forward, holding out a camera.
MR OH
Excuse me. Would you take picture please?
KRAMER
(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another
umbrella
salesman, twirling his wares.
JERRY
I'm gonna ask this guy something.
Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture
of the
three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them
all, and
stumbles off the curb.
JERRY
(to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you
got there. You know who invented
that, don't you?
Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks
over toward
Jerry, and thinks for a second.
KRAMER
(to tourists) Hey, are you folks from
Japan.
MR YAMAGUCHI
Hai.
MR OH
Yes.
KRAMER
(points over to Jerry) You recognise
that mug?
Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the
twirl to the
guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and
arm waving.
KRAMER
That's the funny face that greets you
at the beginning of the Super
Terrific Happy Hour.
MR OH
Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...
The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.
KRAMER
Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still
talking
vigorously to the umbrella guy.
MR OH
What is he doing?
KRAMER
Well, I don't know. But something super
terrific, I'm sure.
MR OH
He's funny.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't
be impolite to laugh at his
antics.
Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed
guy
watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.
KRAMER
Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody
laughs at Jerry here in
America.
Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.
(George's Apartment)
Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living
room. Two of
them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave,
The third, the
leader, has a notebook.
CREW LEADER
(calling to George) We're pretty much
finished.
George enters from another room.
CREW LEADER
There's just one more thing.
GEORGE
(smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
The leader opens his book and holds up a check.
CREW LEADER
(clears throat) You forgot to sign your
check.
The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his
signature.
GEORGE
(signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure,
uh, there isn't anything
else?
CREW LEADER
(flat) No.
The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader
toward the
door, looking disappointed.
GEORGE
(let down) So, that's it?
CREW LEADER
Unless you need a receipt.
GEORGE
(melancholy) I wish that was all needed.
Life can be so confusing.
I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
CREW LEADER
(flat) Good luck with that.
The leader closes the door on a perplexed George.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his
pen awkwardly
in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and
notices his
hand.
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
What's with the claw?
JERRY
Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.
BRETT
(to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
ELAINE
Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
JERRY
Hi.
Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the
position of the
fingers in his wave back.
BRETT
That's very funny. Elaine told me you
were some kinda comedian.
JERRY
Ah, I'm one kind.
Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.
ELAINE
Have you seen the chest of drawers that
Brett gave to Kramer?
JERRY
The Fleckman.
BRETT
Farbman.
JERRY
Right.
ELAINE
You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
JERRY
(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
BRETT
I'd be happy to get you some if that's
what you're driving at.
JERRY
No. I'm fine, thank you.
BRETT
Don't worry. It's no charge to you.
Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.
BRETT
Looks like what you really need is a
decent desk for writing your
skits.
JERRY
(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
BRETT
(walking back to Elaine) Well, of course
you don't. You don't have a
proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.
ELAINE
Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have
a fax machine.
BRETT
(quiet) Oops.
Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.
BRETT
Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for
you soon. Elaine, maybe we should
get going.
Brett opens the door.
ELAINE
Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
JERRY
Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
BRETT
(scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can
do a little better than that. You
look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
JERRY
You look like you could use a...
ELAINE
(warning) Jerry.
(Saks)
Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer
picks up a
Stetson and reads the price tag.
KRAMER
(reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey,
Mr Oh, how much would these run
you in Tokyo?
Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.
MR OH
(thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh,
thirty thousand yen.
KRAMER
(shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are
practically free.
Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.
KRAMER
Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.
Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.
(Brett's Car)
Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.
BRETT
I feel terrible about your friend Jerry.
He's upset that I gave Kramer
that chest of drawers, isn't he?
ELAINE
Why? Why d'you think he's upset?
BRETT
How could he not be? Living in that
cramped little apartment. And
outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.
ELAINE
(romantic) We're not gonna talk about
Karl Farbman all night, are we?
BRETT
(smiling) I hope not.
Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss,
the Eagles'
Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the
kiss, and
stares off into the distance again.
ELAINE
(surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
Brett makes no response.
ELAINE
(worried) Brett! What is it? Is there
someone outside?
BRETT
Elaine, the song.
ELAINE
(relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know,
for a minute there I thought
it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's
hanging on
the fender...
BRETT
Elaine, could you just not talk for
one minute?
ELAINE
(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.
(Monk's)
Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.
JERRY
No spiel?
GEORGE
(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned
the carpets and left. Call
themselves a cult!
JERRY
So you're angry that this bizarre carpet
cabal made no attempt to
abduct you?
GEORGE
They could've at least tried!
JERRY
You know, maybe they thought you looked
too smart to be brainwashed?
GEORGE
Please.
JERRY
Too dumb?
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new
suit. He
strolls over to the booth.
JERRY
(impressed) Well! Mack is back in town!
Nice duds.
KRAMER
Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my
Japanese friends. (sits beside
Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going
dancing at the
Rainbow Room.
JERRY
Sounds like you're throwing a lot of
their money around.
KRAMER
Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean,
that TV you watch, that sushi
you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think
all that money
goes, hmm?
Jerry looks puzzled.
KRAMER
That's right.
GEORGE
How'd you hook up with these guys?
KRAMER
Well, they recognised Jerry from the
Super Terrific Happy Hour. See
now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get
you.
JERRY
What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
KRAMER
(to George) Alright, what'd you do with
that pilot you did.
GEORGE
(excited) Yeah, the pilot!
KRAMER
That's right, I think that had marvellous
production values.
GEORGE
(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a
lotta business with Japanese TV.
They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office
here in New
York!
JERRY
Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
GEORGE
(animated) It failed here! Because,
here, every time you turn on a
TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining
about
their dates!
Jerry looks doubtful.
KRAMER
George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're
just another apple, but in
Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare
there.
Jerry looks at George, wondering.
(Japanese TV Office)
Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives,
one male, one
female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry
made at the
end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George
is smiling
and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large
bowl
containing a plastic bag of oranges.
TV JERRY
You had a date? You went out with my
butler?! Who said you could go
out with my butler?!
TV ELAINE
Well, why do I need your permission?
TV JERRY
Because he's my butler.
The first executive stops the tape.
GEORGE
(eager) So? What d'you think?
EXECUTIVE 1
We're bit confused. Why was this man
Jerry's butler?
GEORGE
Ah. You see, the man who was the butler,
uh, had gotten into a car
accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance,
the judge
decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
EXECUTIVE 1
Is this customary in your legal system?
JERRY
No. That's what makes it such a humorous
situation.
EXECUTIVE 1
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you
following any of this?
EXECUTIVE 2
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still
trying to figure out why
they gave us a bag of oranges.
EXECUTIVE 1
(to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm
sure Mr Seinfeld is very
funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work
in Japan.
GEORGE
Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've
been living in America too
long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's
like to have
no oranges.
Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers
are still
twisted from the check signing.
EXECUTIVE 1
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with
the oranges
There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops
it.
JERRY
(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand
is numb.
GEORGE
(positive) Yes. From endorsing checks
for the Super Terrific Happy
Hour. (laughs)
EXECUTIVE 1
You must go now.
Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder
and they
ruefully begin to depart.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped
in his
clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.
ELAINE
Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett.
I got shushed during
Desperado.
JERRY
(throws out his hands) What does he
listen to? The all Desperado
station?
ELAINE
He is just in his own world when he
hears that song. It's like, I'm
sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
JERRY
You know, what you need is a song you
can share.
ELAINE
Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our'
song.
JERRY
Okay. So, is there any song that you
feel very strongly about?
Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something
occurs.
ELAINE
(points) I like Witchy Woman.
JERRY
Witchy Woman?
ELAINE
You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh,
wit-chay woman'.
JERRY
(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying
another fat
envelope.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) Hey, man.
ELAINE
Hey.
Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine
walks to the
kitchen.
JERRY
Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
KRAMER
Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early.
There was a, uh, slight
monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
JERRY
Ah.
KRAMER
Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
JERRY
What for?
Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're
gonna stay with me.
JERRY
I thought they all had suites at the
Plaza?
Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows.
KRAMER
Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't
have checks rolling in like you
do.
JERRY
Well, what about all that money from
the kimonos I wear?
KRAMER
Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan
can be quite pricey. Even with
fifty thousand yen.
Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.
ELAINE
Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only
a few hundred dollars?
KRAMER
Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way,
tell Brett that his chest of
drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
ELAINE
In them?!
JERRY
You have them sleeping in drawers?!
KRAMER
Jerry, have you ever seen the business
hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in
tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
JERRY
This has 'international incident' written
all over it.
KRAMER
(smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest
of three
drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a
foot and a half
deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.
KRAMER
Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.
One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.
MR TANAKA
Goodnight.
Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut.
He then speaks
to the occupant of the next drawer.
KRAMER
Goodnight, Mr Oh.
MR OH
(sits up) Goodnight.
Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and
speaks to the
final drawer's occupant.
KRAMER
Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
MR YAMAGUCHI
(sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight.
Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches
off the lamp
and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter,
and a box of
Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into
an envelope.
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
JERRY
Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and
breakfast you're running. Well,
I'm off to the bank.
KRAMER
(opening the fridge) Sayonara.
JERRY
(leaving) Konichi-wa.
Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.
(Brett's Car)
Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing
on the
stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head
nodding. Brett
looks puzzled.
BRETT
Elaine, I...
ELAINE
Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches
off the music.
ELAINE
What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman.
That could be our song.
BRETT
Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've
already got a song.
ELAINE
Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling)
We can share it.
BRETT
(flat) No. It's mine.
There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers
out at the
weather.
(Kramer's Apartment)
The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi
sits up in the
bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his
feet in his
drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to
the pair of
them.
KRAMER
Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.
KRAMER
(loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta
make up the drawer.
MR OH
Ach, come back in half hour.
Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on
top of the chest
and walks off mumbling irritably.
(Street)
It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing
just a light
jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands.
Jerry spots
the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.
JERRY
(calls) Hey, I'll take one.
CLICKY
Well, look who's back!
Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other
way.
CLICKY
Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the
guy says he invented the twirl.
TEDDY
(unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY
Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing
at the umbrellas) What've
you got in a push-button mini.
TEDDY
(bitter) Same thing we had, when you
bailed on us, fifteen years ago.
JERRY
Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to
be a comedian. Besides, we had
some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
TEDDY
(angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were
you during the poncho craze of
eighty-four? I almost lost my house.
A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros.
Clicky
tries to catch his attention.
CLICKY
Umbrella, buddy?
The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the
street.
CLICKY
Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero'
to contend with.
TEDDY
(to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry)
I hear you're taking credit for
the twirl.
JERRY
Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
TEDDY
(intense) I care. Clicky cares.
JERRY
So, could I...
Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption.
JERRY
Could I just buy an umbrella?
TEDDY
(sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
JERRY
(shock) What?!
TEDDY
(caustically) Special price, for a real
foul-weather friend.
The rain continues to pour down unabated.
(George's Office, Yankee Stadium)
George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed
by the three
Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing
down.
KRAMER
Hey, George. How about that tour, huh?
These guys are ready to run
the bases.
GEORGE
(indicating the window) Kramer, it's,
it's raining. They got the tarp
on the field.
KRAMER
(quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else
can I do with these guys?
Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his
hands.
GEORGE
Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry
show.
KRAMER
(snaps his fingers) That's perfect.
(to the Japanese) Hey, how would
you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
The Japanese nod to each other.
MR OH
But, we are also very hungry.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR)
Well, you guys just watch the
tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves
the office
and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.
KRAMER
(shouts) Hey, peanuts!
As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.
WILHELM
George. (waves George over) George.
George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.
WILHELM
(puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call
some carpet cleaners?
GEORGE
Are they here?
WILHELM
They're in my office, right now.
GEORGE
(suspicious) They haven't said anything
to you, have they?
WILHELM
About what?
GEORGE
(to himself, resentful) What kind of
a snobby, stuck-up, cult is
this?!
(Street)
Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks,
and by now
he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with
Jerry, and
the window winds down.
BRETT
(calls over) Hey Jerry!
Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises
Brett.
JERRY
Oh, hi Brett.
BRETT
Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
JERRY
Ah, I didn't have enough money.
BRETT
I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
JERRY
No, it's not that, it's the...
Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The
rain has soaked
them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and
become
illegible.
JERRY
Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of
hard work ruined!
Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.
BRETT
Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the
(reads) twelve cents?
JERRY
No, it's not the money. It's my hand.
It's crippled from writing and
writing.
BRETT
Nothing's working for you, is is?
JERRY
(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
BRETT
I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl
Farbman here.
Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.
JERRY
(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
Jerry walks away
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the
apartment, and
more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.
ELAINE
Brett said you ran away from him, as
if he were the boogetyman.
JERRY
Boogeyman.
ELAINE
Boogey?
JERRY
I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting
together on a song?
ELAINE
No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and
he won't share Desperado. Hey,
what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
JERRY
(negative) Eehh.
ELAINE
(desperation) Well, I'm running outta
guys here in this city, Jer!
Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops
onto the
couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot
to Kramer's Japanese
friends. They loved it!
JERRY
Really? They bought the butler character?
GEORGE
(excited) Did I tell you that story's
relatable?! That was a great
show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
JERRY
NBC?
GEORGE
(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast
Corporation.
Elaine looks heavenwards.
JERRY
Ah. But they told us we must go now.
GEORGE
But now I have my own market research.
Actual Japanese viewers, that
love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.
JERRY
Hey, George, do me a favour. If they
make you an offer, whatever it
is. (vehement) Just take it!
George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry
starts to close
the door, but George turns back.
GEORGE
Hey, by the way, what'd you think of
Miss Yoshimura?
JERRY
Who?
GEORGE
The network executive. You think she
liked me?
Jerry swings the door closed in George's face.
(Hallway)
George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there
is no
immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting
and laughter.
He opens the door and goes in.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped
to the
waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot
George as he
enters and shout greetings.
KRAMER
Heyy! Look who's here.
The Japanese whoop and wave at George.
KRAMER
(beckoning to George) Come on, I want
you to come in here.
All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in
the tub with
them.
MR OH
Come on in, fat boy!
George waves away their appeals with a smile.
GEORGE
Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas.
(thumbs up) Big day
tomorrow!
Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who
leaves. Then
they go back to knocking back sake.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.
JERRY
(to himself) Last one.
Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like
hand. It's
clearly painful.
JERRY
(agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
(Street)
George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's
waiting for
someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's
ear.
KRAMER
There you are.
George jumps, surprised by Kramer.
GEORGE
Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
KRAMER
Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline
tickets.
KRAMER
I'm on my way to cash in their plane
tickets for them. They need a
little food money.
GEORGE
(horrified) But that meeting starts
in ten minutes!
KRAMER
No, well, I set their alarm. But they
did have a lot of sake in that
hot-tub.
A panicky George rushes toward a payphone.
GEORGE
(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
(Street/Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water.
The phone
rings and he picks up (with his right).
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese
guys had sake in the
hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down
here, or I
don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
JERRY
(kidding) Uncle Leo?
GEORGE
(scream) Jerry!!
George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts
the phone
away from his ear at the noise.
JERRY
Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
Jerry hangs up the phone.
JERRY
(to himself) Hmm, testy.
(Kramer's Apartment)
The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers
are shut,
and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for
help. Jerry
enters and hears the calls.
JERRY
Hello?
MR OH
Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move.
He tries to
hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.
JERRY
It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam
from the hot-tub musta warped the
wood.
MR OH
Pull harder.
JERRY
I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's
had kind of a bad week.
MR OH
Very funny, but no joking, please.
JERRY
(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get
you out.
(Hallway)
Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying
an umbrella.
Elaine looks dubious.
ELAINE
Brett, believe me. You don't have to
do this.
BRETT
Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this.
Granted, it's not as nice as
Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.
ELAINE
Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous
of Kramer's cabinet.
Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's
apartment
distracts her.
JERRY
(yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.
ELAINE
Jerry?
(Kramer's Apartment)
Elaine enters followed by Brett.
ELAINE
Jerry.
Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large
fireman's axe.
He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the
wood
splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops
the umbrella,
and rushes forward to protect the furniture.
BRETT
(shouting) Not the Farbman!!
Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to
her mouth and
screams, horrified at what she sees.
(Japanese TV Office)
The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors
of some
horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George
perches on
the arm of the couch.
MR OH
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld
is a dangerous lunatic. He
wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an
axe.
EXECUTIVE 1
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect
his friend here is also
unbalanced.
The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending,
George.
GEORGE
So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
MR OH
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we
have a couple of those oranges?
The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab
the fruit.
MR OH
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very
hungry and have survived many
hardships.
Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including
the
leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.
GEORGE
(to the executives) Excuse me. Did you
hire the Sunshine Carpet
Cleaners?
EXECUTIVE 1
Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee
stain, left by Jerry
Seinfield.
Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other
carpet
cleaners. George looks stunned.
GEORGE
Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
WILHELM
I'm here to clean the carpets. Most
of the world is carpeted. And,
one day, we will do the cleaning.
George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.
GEORGE
(incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry
shout) What's he got that I
don't have?!
The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'
GEORGE
(urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've
been abducted! Please, Mr
Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
WILHELM
Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his
cleaner) My name is Tanya.
George purses his lips.
EXECUTIVE 1
(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these
two idiots I don't know
how the Yankees won the World Series.
The second executive shakes her head.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands
beside him,
applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.
JERRY
(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really
sorry. I didn't mean to hit
you in the head with.. an axe.
Elaine gives Jerry a look.
JERRY
(defensive) At least it was just the
handle!
BRETT
It was a beautiful cabinet. What am
I gonna tell...
Brett looks concerned.
BRETT
I can't remember his name!
JERRY
Fleckman?
ELAINE
Calm down Brett, okay. You could have
a concussion. Calm down. (holds
Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
ELAINE/JERRY
(singing) '...let somebody love you.
Let somebody love you,
before it's too...'
Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto
the table
with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just
looks down.
(Insert)
An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.
(Emergency Room)
Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.
NURSE
His pulse is fine.
DOCTOR
Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion.
Let me see what I can do to
relieve the swelling.
Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets
the same look on
his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.
NURSE
Doctor?
The doctor stares away.
NURSE
(concerned) Doctor?
The doctor is oblivious to the nurse.
NURSE
(worried) Doctor?
There is still no response from the doctor.
NURSE
(alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing
him!
As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments
can be
heard beeping faster and faster.
THE END
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