THE CHEEVER LETTERS
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)
JERRY
She hasn't told her father yet?
GEORGE
No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.
JERRY
"We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?
GEORGE
Susan wants me to be there.
JERRY
You're meetin' the father for the first
time?
GEORGE
(Reluctantly) Yeah.
JERRY
(Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make
quite an impression on him when you
tell him how you burned his cabin down.
GEORGE
I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!
JERRY
(Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is
ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is
nice enough to give you a box of very
fine Cuban cigars..
GEORGE
Yeah, I know what happened.
JERRY
No, but wait, wait: And then you dump
them off onto Kramer..
GEORGE
(Getting frustrated) I know.
JERRY
(Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to
burn the man's cabin down with one of
those very same cigars! (Topping off
his observation) It's very comical..
GEORGE
Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing
today. I got a lot on my mind.
JERRY
(Persisting) No, no, we put this off
long enough. Today's the day.
GEORGE
(Letting his conscious get the best
of him) I wonder how Susan's father's
going to react to this. Alright, what-
what's the worst he could do? So you
burn
a cabin down..
JERRY
(Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house
- it's, like, a cabin.
GEORGE
We could build a cabin like (Snaps)
that.
JERRY
(Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two
men could.
GEORGE
(Looking over the writing materials
they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get,
bics?
JERRY
What, you got a problem with the pen
now?
GEORGE
Well, I like a rolling writer. They're
very smooth.
JERRY
Alright, let's just get to work. (They
both move into the living room - ready
to start writing their script. Jerry
sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project.
Act I,
Scene A.
GEORGE
(Still standing) So, you're gonna sit
there?
JERRY
(Wanting to get started) Just - just
park yourself. (George reluctantly sits
on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.
GEORGE
(Offering) Drink?
JERRY
No, no thank you.
GEORGE
(Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we
go.
JERRY
Act I, Scene A..
(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)
GEORGE
Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?
JERRY
(Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes.
(George turns the TV on, and begins
watching as Jerry dials the number)
Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra.
Uh,
yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat
with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the
phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay
phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling
out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah,
could you just put me through to
Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of
ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed
into the television. He seems to not
even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get
through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear
for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So
we're on for later?
(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around
in her free hand)
ELAINE
Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey,
I got a rubber pencil thing happenin'
here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh,
I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up)
Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?
(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television
off, ready to work)
GEORGE
Alright, here we go. You got it?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Here we go.
JERRY
Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment,
you come in.
GEORGE
(Holding out his arms - giving praise)
It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?
(A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)
ELAINE
Could you do me a favor? Um, when my
friends call, could you not talk to
them for too long?
SANDRA
Why? Did Jerry say something?
ELAINE
No, no.
SANDRA
He must have said something.
ELAINE
Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
SANDRA
(Near tears) I can't work for you! I
can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)
ELAINE
(Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen,
listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure
right now. It's very hard being a
stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!
(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping.
Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)
GEORGE
Alright, let's go.
JERRY
Here we go.
(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in
the middle of something here. We're
trying to do a little work..
JERRY
Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated
sigh) What's with you?
KRAMER
(Complaining) No more golf.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Well, you remember I told you about
the pro, you know, at the Westchester
Country Club, who's letting me play
a round every time I give him a couple
of those Cuban cigars?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
(Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all
in the fire! (Leaning over the couch,
he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe
you can ask Susan's father for
more, huh?
GEORGE
What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the
guy for more cigars after you burned
down his cabin!
KRAMER
Why? What's one thing got to do with
another?
GEORGE
Kramer, please.
KRAMER
Well, I can't go back to the public
courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean,
you know what that's like? It's crowded,
the grass has big brown patches in it,
they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of
people you have to play with!
GEORGE
Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna
have to get them some place else.
KRAMER
(Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans.
(Leaves)
GEORGE
(Getting up) You know what? Maybe I
should take off.
JERRY
What?!
GEORGE
Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's
parent's house for dinner.. and, you
know, I want to shower first.. and I
want to leave myself plenty of time.
JERRY
(Looking at his watch) You got four
hours! What about the script?
GEORGE
I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)
(Scene ends)
(The Ross' house)
(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)
MRS. ROSS
(To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like
your sister, Sarah?
MR. ROSS
(Gruff) A slight resemblance.
(George laughs slightly)
MRS. ROSS
(To George) Her son's a podiatrist,
you know.
GEORGE
Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people
who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate
yourself to the foot - you're toiling
in virtual anonymity. I mean..
(Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)
MR. ROSS
How are you enjoying those cigars I
gave you?
GEORGE
Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously)
I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing
my brains out, yeah.
MR. ROSS
You know those cigars are made special
for Castro?
GEORGE
(Impersonating Carson) I didn't not
know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George
both laugh)
MR. ROSS
What?
SUSAN
(Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson,
daddy.
MR. ROSS
I didn't care much for his jokes.
SUSAN
(To George) Daddy never laughs.
GEORGE
Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is
that? I mean, what is the point of opening
your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What
is that? "Ha, ha!"?
MR. ROSS
You know, you can't get those cigars
anywhere.
MRS. ROSS
You and your cigars..
MR. ROSS
(Shooting back at his wife) Wear some
more lipstick.
SUSAN
Daddy, there's, um, there's something
that we have to talk to you about..
MR. ROSS
Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you
like the cabin?
GEORGE
(Even more nervous than before) Oh,
the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)
JERRY
Right after we get off the phone, then
you go and tell her that?! Well, of
course she knows it was me who complained!
Now I'm responsible for this
woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!
ELAINE
(Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up.
It's all my fault. Would you call her?
JERRY
(Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine
picks up the phone, and starts to dial)
How could you do this?
ELAINE
(Handing the phone over to him) I was
just trying to help you.
JERRY
(Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely
grabs the phone from her) help me..
(Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi,
uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine
now has her
hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I
just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing
her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her
and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a
comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah,
it was a real treat talking to her on
the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being
sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold
on a second. (To Elaine, whispering)
Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just
go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the
phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um..
yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay,
bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.
(Scene ends)
(The Ross' house)
(Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be
discussed)
GEORGE
The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well..
(Pauses as he thinks of a way to break
the news, then decides to pass it off)
Susan?
SUSAN
Uhh.. about the cabin..
MR. ROSS
(Cutting her off) I love that place.
My father built that cabin in 1947.
My mother was recuperating from Impetigo
at the time, and dad thought it would
be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there
the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the
day. His last words to me were, (Mrs.
Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a
million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish
the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care
of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the
cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's
often been a.. sanctuary for me.
GEORGE
(Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's
fortress of solitude.
MR. ROSS
What?
GEORGE
S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the
fortress of solitude up at the North
Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get
away from it all..
MR. ROSS
When I go, I'm passing it on to her.
(Pointing at Susan)
MRS. ROSS
(Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take
a hotel any day.
SUSAN
Daddy..
MR. ROSS
Yes?
SUSAN
Daddy, about the cabin..
MRS. ROSS
(Laughing, she points to her shirt)
Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs
again)
MR. ROSS
(To Susan) What about it?
SUSAN
Well, the thing is..
MR. ROSS
What? What is it?
SUSAN
Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of,
uh.. George?
GEORGE
(Extremely blunt) Burned.
MR. ROSS
Burned?
SUSAN
There was a fire, and it uh..
GEORGE
Burned.
MR. ROSS
(Still trying to comprehend what has
happened) The cabin burned?
GEORGE
(Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..
MRS. ROSS
(Laughing out loud) Burned! (George
laughs with her)
MR. ROSS
Was anything found? Was it all burned
to the ground?! Did they find anything?
SUSAN
(Solemn) No. Nothing.
MRS. ROSS
(Laughing, she's obviously getting a
kick out of her husband's misfortune)
Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.
(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward
the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)
GEORGE
Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if
you look at the whole situating, what
with it being your cigars, and everything,
it's really rather ironic - one might
even
say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room.
Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to
say he hit the bullseye. George calls out
to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket.
Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)
SANDRA
(Offended) I can't believe you said
that!
JERRY
What?!
SANDRA
(Buttoning her jacket) How could you
say something like that to me?!
JERRY
What? What?! You were the one who was
talking dirty. I was just trying to
keep up!
SANDRA
That was a weird thing to say.
JERRY
Why? It didn't mean anything. I was
just trying to join in so you wouldn't
feel embarrassed.
SANDRA
Ohh, I think you're really sick.
JERRY
(Getting slightly offended) I'm not
sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said
much sicker things than me.
SANDRA
I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door.
Jerry blocks her path)
JERRY
I really think you're making too much
of this.
SANDRA
(Attempting to get past him) Excuse
me. (They both move to the door)
JERRY
Let me walk you to a cab.
SANDRA
(Opens the door) That's ok.
JERRY
I mean, the main thing is that this
is just between us, and that'll be the
end of it.
SANDRA
Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)
JERRY
(Calling after her) I mean, people -
they're not interested in things like
this. They don't want to hear about
it. They really don't.
(Scene ends)
(The Coffee shop)
(Jerry's telling George about last night)
JERRY
So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin',
and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.
GEORGE
Wo-hoah! What did you do?
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman
to stop touching your leg?
GEORGE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
I mean, I know it's the wrong thing
to do. She works in Elaine's office.
I know it's wrong - but I can't get
that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking
at the
hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg."
But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would
you mind?!"
GEORGE
Yeah, woman have no problem getting
the hand off. How do they do that?
JERRY
I don't know, they're working on a whole
other level..
GEORGE
Alright, so, go ahead.
JERRY
So we go back to my apartment..
GEORGE
(Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!
JERRY
So, we're, uh, foolin' around there..
you know, it's getting a little passionate..
(Scoots closer to George, to prevent
others from hearing) and, uh, she starts
with the dirty talking.
GEORGE
(Putting his hands up) Alright, alright,
hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention)
Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in,
giddy) What did she say?
JERRY
(Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..
GEORGE
No, I don't know. How do I know the
usual?
JERRY
Typical things.
GEORGE
(Picking up the ketchup) What typical?
Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.
JERRY
She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible.
George, so shocked by what he's just
heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup
bottle - ketchup squirts out
and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)
GEORGE
(Breathing deeply) That's very dirty.
(Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.
JERRY
..And then she starts talking about
her panties.
GEORGE
(Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need
some water here!
JERRY
So I said something.
GEORGE
Ok, what did you say?
JERRY
(Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am
just trying to keep up.
GEORGE
Of course.
JERRY
Okay? So, she's taking about her panties,
so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties
your mother laid out for you?"
GEORGE
(Takes a few seconds to mull this one
over. Shooting Jerry a confused look,
he repeats it) "The panties your mother
laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What
does that mean?
JERRY
(Throwing up his hands) I don't know!
It just popped out.
GEORGE
Well, how did she react?
JERRY
She flipped out! Just left.
GEORGE
Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects)
It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
JERRY
Look, the main thing is I don't want
Elaine to know about any of this. I
mean, especially the panty remark. I
mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never
let me
hear the end of it.
GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?
JERRY
She will tell her. She's going back
to work. I talked her into it - how
stupid was that? (Changing subject as
they both collect money to pay for the
check)
Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom
and started sobbing.
JERRY
I guess he failed to see the humor in
it.
GEORGE
Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture
with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We
got a lot of work to do today.
JERRY
(Getting up) Alright, big work day.
GEORGE
That's right.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down
in the living room while giving each other pep talks)
GEORGE
Okay.
JERRY
Let's go.
GEORGE
Here we are.
JERRY
Right now.
GEORGE
Let's do it.
JERRY
You and me.
GEORGE
Okay.
JERRY
Alright.
GEORGE
What'dya got?
JERRY
(Reading from his notebook) I got: You
enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello."
Now.. we need something here..
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
(Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting
- talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come
back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and
George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No,
you guys should get back to work. (More protests)
GEORGE
Don't be silly.
JERRY
Come in, we're taking a break.
KRAMER
(Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?
JERRY
Yeah!
KRAMER
Uh, George, did you talk to that guy
about getting me some more cigars?
GEORGE
(Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna
do that.
KRAMER
(Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm
just going to have to take matters into
my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright,
I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite
"No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)
(Scene ends)
(United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)
(Kramer walks up to a secretary)
KRAMER
Buenos dias.
SECRETARY
Buenos dias.
KRAMER
Uh, habla ingles?
SECRETARY
Si.
KRAMER
Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman
wearing dark sunglasses and sitting
on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly)
Um. I need to talk to someone.
SECRETARY
What is this about?
KRAMER
Uh, well, It's a very private matter,
but it's extremely urgent.
SECRETARY
Are you an American?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
SECRETARY
I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)
KRAMER
Okay.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid
out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking
them up. George rolls off the couch and falls
to the floor)
JERRY
(Stirring, he gets up to answer the
buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon,
c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom)
C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through
intercom) Yeah?
ELAINE
It's Elaine.
JERRY
C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for
Elaine)
GEORGE
(Standing up, still waking up) Alright,
you know what we should do? We should
go to the movies. Get away from this
script for a while..
JERRY
(Agreeing) Yeah, we should.
GEORGE
Alright, I just have to go over to the
Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's
sunglasses. You'll come with me?
JERRY
Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with
them?
GEORGE
No, no, no, no.
JERRY
Oh.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
I just got a message from Sandra, she's
coming back to work.
JERRY
Well, then, you've just got to fire
her! Don't even think about it - there's
no two ways about it.
ELAINE
Why? What happened? Did you talk?
JERRY
Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right
I talk to her! We talked up a storm
- and I concluded from the basis of
these talks that this isn't anybody
you should
be talking to.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
Really? You really think I should fire
her?
JERRY
Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and
I weren't so busy here working on the
script, I'd do it myself.
(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)
(Scene ends)
(United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)
(A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with
Kramer)
MAN
(To secretary) Expira te afuera.
KRAMER
(Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos
dias.
MAN
What is your name, Senor?
KRAMER
Uh, Kramer.
MAN
So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?
KRAMER
(Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.
MAN
(Confused) Cigars?
KRAMER
(Definite) Cigars.
MAN
What about cigars?
KRAMER
Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper
ring from his pocket) I saved one of
the cigar rings..
MAN
Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from
his inner coat pocket) You mean - one
of these..
KRAMER
(Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous)
Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay,
So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of
boxes of those from you, yeah?
MAN
(Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You
do realize, of course, these are illegal
in your country.
KRAMER
Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?
(The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches
out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)
MAN
I like that jacket..
(Scene ends)
(The Ross' apartment)
(There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and
George)
SUSAN
Hi!
GEORGE
Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)
SUSAN
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
Hi.
SUSAN
I thought you two guys were working
today.
JERRY
Ah, just - takin' a little break.
GEORGE
(Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your
sunglasses. (Hands them to her)
SUSAN
Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second.
(They move into the living room. Susan
gestures to a man sitting on the couch
reading the paper) This is my brother,
Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.
GEORGE
Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake
hands) What's your major?
RICKY
(Blunt) I don't have one.
GEORGE
Well, you should always consider podiatry.
(Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's
nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky
looks critically back at George)
SUSAN
(Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair)
And this is my Aunt, Sara.
SARA
(Staring at George) He doesn't look
like me.
MRS. ROSS
Sara, what do you have on your wheels?
SARA
Nothing, they're clean.
MRS. ROSS
Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?
RICKY
(Annoyed) Yes.
MRS. ROSS
(Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's
just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels
Sara over to a spot off the rug) When
you come in the house you
wipe your wheels.
(Doorbell rings)
SUSAN
Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her
doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box)
Hello, Raymond.
RAYMOND
Ah, yes, the man from the insurance
company dropped this off this morning.
He said it was the only thing left from
the remains of the fire.
SUSAN
(Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As
the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry
and George) Wow, I've never seen this
before.. (Opens the charred box)
Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.
GEORGE
Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan
takes out a few letters)
SUSAN
From.. (Trying to read one) from John
Cheever.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Oh, wow.
SUSAN
(Chuckles as she opens up one of the
letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry,
last night with you was bliss. I fear
my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's
attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever
get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan
is still concentrating on the notes) I love
you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods,
and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)
(A long pause)
GEORGE
Well, we.. we, we, ah..
JERRY
(Looking at his watch ) Yeah..
GEORGE
We really should be, uh, heading out..
JERRY
Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the
time.
GEORGE
You know, the time..
(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)
MR. ROSS
The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing
the box away from him, then the letters
from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme
that! (Now holding them
against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!
MRS. ROSS
(Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!
SARA
(Yelling out) I knew it!
MRS. ROSS
I want to know who John is!
RICKEY
John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!
MR. ROSS
(Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most
wonderful person I've ever known. And
I love him deeply! In a way you could
never understand.. (Slowly
walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems
to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George
a signal that they should go)
GEORGE
Well, we really should be-
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates
to miss the coming attractions.
JERRY
Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because
of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.
GEORGE
yeah, time is what he's indicating there..
JERRY
(Waving good bye) We'll see ya.
GEORGE
Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone)
onward and upward.
(Jerry grabs George, leaving)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living
room, attempting to write)
GEORGE
Alright, here we go.
JERRY
Alright, let's go.
GEORGE
Come on now.
JERRY
Right now.
GEORGE
Here we go.
JERRY
You and me.
GEORGE
You got it.
JERRY
No foolin'
GEORGE
Ok, so, what'dya got?
JERRY
(Looking at his notebook) Alright, I
got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi",
and I say "Hello".
GEORGE
Alright, so, we need something..
JERRY
Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's
it goin'?"
GEORGE
"How's it going?" - beautiful.
(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds)
Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..
JERRY
(Getting up to answer the door) Alright,
did you get that line?
GEORGE
(Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"
JERRY
Did you write it down?
GEORGE
I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"
JERRY
Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic
Elaine)
ELAINE
Real good!
JERRY
What?!
ELAINE
Do you know how much money you cost
me today?! 429 dollars!
JERRY
What?! How?
ELAINE
I got Sandra transferred to another
office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs
to Lippman about my long distance calls
to Europe!
JERRY
What calls?!
ELAINE
Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe,
okay?! And we've been in touch, and
Sandra told Lippman!
JERRY
Oh, did - did she say anything else
to you?
ELAINE
(Confused) "Anything else"? What do
you mean "anything else"?
JERRY
So she just left the office - didn't
say a word to you about anything?
ELAINE
Yeah!
JERRY
(Smiling to himself) Beautiful.
ELAINE
Why is that beautiful?
JERRY
Oh, no, not beautiful.
ELAINE
It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!
JERRY
Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.
ELAINE
No, no.
JERRY
(Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist.
I was the one who encouraged you to
fire her - the whole thing was all my-
ELAINE
(Giving up too easy) Okay.
JERRY
(Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept)
fault. (Starts to write a check out,
then stops, looking at the door) Do
you smell smoke?
(Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed
up in golf wear, smoking cigars)
KRAMER
Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet
my new friends, here. (Introducing each
one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and
Umberto.
JERRY
Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
KRAMER
Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester
- gonna hit the links.
JERRY
Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that,
uh, your..
KRAMER
(Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah,
yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three
friends) Vamanos, muchachos!
(They exit)
ELAINE
(Turns to George, he is now reading
a book) Hey, what are you reading?
GEORGE
Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever.
It's really excellent.
ELAINE
(To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read
any of his stuff?
JERRY
Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of
his writing. (George shoots Jerry a
smirk, then returns to his book) Alright,
(Hand the check to Elaine) look, we
gotta
get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.
ELAINE
(Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave
you two alone.
JERRY
(Moving back into the living room) Okay.
ELAINE
(In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit
my mother. She just bought me some new
panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting
in his chair) and they're - all laid
out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both
look at each other, frozen in their places)
THE END
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