THE CHINESE RESTAURANT
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
(A couple of days ago I used a public
phone), go over time on the call,
hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings.
It's the
phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And
you got them
right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're
on the
street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a
few times, you
know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it
up, "Yeah,
operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here...
D'you hear
that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that
don't you?"
(Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant)
ELAINE
No, they've just got to get more cops
on the force, it's as simple as
that.
GEORGE
Cops. I don't even care about cops.
I wanna see more garbage men. It's
much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage
cans and
garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least
be clean.
JERRY
I tell you what they should do, they
should combine the two jobs, make
it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around
with nothing to
do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch
a criminal, get
right back to sweeping.
ELAINE
You should run for mayor.
JERRY
Ehh, nobody listens.
ELAINE
Where is someone? I'm starving.
GEORGE
I think this is him right here.
ELAINE
Is there a table ready?
RESTAURANT MANAGER
How many?
ELAINE
How many?
JERRY
Is Tatiana coming?
GEORGE
I don't know, I have to call her, tell
her where we are. I'm very
lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.
JERRY
Really? I thought things were going
OK.
GEORGE
They were, it's kinda complicated.
JERRY
Well what is it?
ELAINE
How many?
JERRY
Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.
BRUCE
Four. It'll be five, ten minutes.
GEORGE
What do you wanna do?
ELAINE
Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.
JERRY
We might as well just stay here, we
haven't got that much time if we
wanna make it to the movie.
GEORGE
I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?
JERRY
Tatiana...
(George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)
GEORGE
Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?
(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)
BRUCE
Lashbrook(sp?), 4!
JERRY
So did I do a terrible thing?
ELAINE
You mean lying to your uncle?
JERRY
I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan
9 from Outer Space', one night
only, the big screen. My hands are tied!
GEORGE
You know it's a public phone, you're
not supposed to just
chit-chat.
ELAINE
Jerry, get menus so when we sit down
we can order right away.
JERRY
Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be
at the table.
GEORGE
He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He
just doesn't wanna look.
ELAINE
Everything's gotta be just so with you,
doesn't it?
JERRY
Hey, I offered you those cookies in
my house.
ELAINE
Health cookies. I hate those little
dustboard fructose things.
GEORGE
I just can't believe at the way people
are. What is it with humanity?
What kind of a world do we live in?
(Jerry stares at someone)
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
There's a woman over there that looks
really familiar. Dark hair,
striped shirt?
ELAINE
I've never seen her before.
JERRY
I know this woman. This is gonna drive
me crazy.
(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)
MAN
Oh, Excuse me.
ELAINE
I'm sorry.
(the group just walks right into the dining room)
ELAINE
Didja see that? Those people, look,
they're getting a table.
JERRY
Well maybe they were here from before.
ELAINE
No no no, they weren't here before.
GEORGE
Excuse me, are you going to be much
longer? I have to make a
very important call.
(guy on phone turns away again)
ELAINE
Find out what's going on!
JERRY
Excuse me, didn't those people just
come in? I believe we were ahead of
them.
ELAINE
Yeah.
BRUCE
What's your name?
JERRY
Seinfeld.
(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)
BRUCE
No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?),
2!
ELAINE
Did you ever notice how happy people
are when they finally get a table?
They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's
enough to make
you sick.
JERRY
Boy, you are really hungry.
GEORGE
Hey!
(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed,
goes over to Jerry)
GEORGE
If anything happens here, can I count
on you?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
If we decide to go at it.
JERRY
Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...
GEORGE
I have to get in touch with Tatiana!
And look at his little outfit.
It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt.
I really hate
this guy.
ELAINE
I'm gonna faint...
JERRY
George, who is that woman in the stripes?
GEORGE
I don't know her.
JERRY
She looks so familiar.
ELAINE
Ya know, its not fair people are seated
First Come First Served, It
should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over
there and
taking some food off somebody's plate.
JERRY
I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks
in it for you if you do it.
ELAINE
What do you mean?
JERRY
You walk over that table, you pick up
an eggroll, you don't say
anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth,
walk away- I
give you 50 bucks.
GEORGE
What are they gonna do?
JERRY
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll
be giving them a story to tell
for the rest of their lives.
ELAINE
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
JERRY
50 bucks. That table over there, the
three couples.
ELAINE
OK, I don't wanna go over there and
do it, and then come back here and
find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard
on it or
something...
JERRY
No, no tricks.
ELAINE
Should I do it, George?
GEORGE
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the
soup and blow.
ELAINE
Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm
doin' it.
(Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)
ELAINE
I know this sounds crazy, but the two
men who are
standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here
and eat one of
your eggrolls.
(the people at the table are confused)
ELAINE
I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.
PEOPLE AT TABLE
What? What is she talking about? What
did she say?
(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Did you see that?
GEORGE
What were you doing?
ELAINE
I offered them 25, they had no idea...
JERRY
George, the phone's free.
GEORGE
Alleluia.
(as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts
dialing)
GEORGE
Excuse me, I was waiting here.
WOMAN AT PHONE
Where? I didn't see you.
GEORGE
I've been standing here for the last
ten minutes!
WOMAN
Well I won't be long.
GEORGE
That's not the point. The point is I
was here first.
WOMAN
Well if you were here first, you'd be
holding the phone.
GEORGE
You know, we're living in a society!
We're supposed
to act in a civilized way.
(he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)
GEORGE
Does she care? No. Does anyone ever
display the slightest sensitivity
over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding
no!
(guy on phone approaches George)
GUY
Hey, sorry I took so long.
GEORGE
Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about
it.
ELAINE
How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this
crazy? I'm gonna walk around,
see what dishes look good.
JERRY
I told my uncle I had a stomach ache
tonight. You think he bought that?
GEORGE
Yeah, well, he probably bought it.
JERRY
So what happened with Tatiana?
GEORGE
I shouldn't even tell you this.
JERRY
Come on...
GEORGE
Well, after dinner last week, she invites
me back to her apartment.
JERRY
I'm with you.
GEORGE
Well, it's this little place with this
little bathroom. It's like
right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off
in an alcove.
You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool
around, and
it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin
to perceive this
impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to
surpass by great
lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have
to stop. And as
this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage
to momentarily...
extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable
force, I know
that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that
I know I'm
going to need...
JERRY
This could only happen to you.
GEORGE
So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana,
I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
JERRY
You said this to her after.
GEORGE
No. During.
JERRY
Oh, boy.
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Wow! So...?
GEORGE
So I'm dressing and she's staring up
at me, struggling to compute this
unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure
this woman,
and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse
she might
possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman,
and I'm very
sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone
calls to get her
to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her,
and she's
(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.
(Elaine comes over)
ELAINE
I hate this place. I don't know why
we came here, I'm never coming back
here again.
JERRY
Who is that woman?!
ELAINE
Remember when you first went out to
eat with your parents? Remember,
it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food
that you never
saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a
delicious and
exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog
waiting for them
to fill up the trough.
GEORGE
She's off. (goes over to the now available
public phone)
ELAINE
Jerry, talk to that guy again.
JERRY
What am I gonna say?
ELAINE
Tell him we wanna catch a movie and
that we're late.
(as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)
MR. COHEN
Hey, what stinks in here?
BRUCE
Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple
of weeks.
MR. COHEN
Well, I've been looking for a better
place.
(Bruce laughs)
BRUCE
Better place... Want a table?
MR. COHEN
No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat
here.
BRUCE
Give him a plate and you eat here...
Come on, I give you a
table.
JERRY
Excuse me... we've been waiting here.
Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that
guy, he just came in.
BRUCE
Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here.
ELAINE
He's always here? What does that mean?
What does that mean?
BRUCE
Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live
on Park Avenue.
ELAINE
Where am I? Is this a dream? What in
God's name is going on here?!
GEORGE
She's not there. She left. She must've
waited and left because those
people wouldn't get off the phone.
JERRY
Didja leave a message?
GEORGE
Yeah, I told her to call me here and
to tell anyone who answers the
phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better
tell him I'm
expecting a call.
ELAINE
Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...
JERRY
Where do I know her?
(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)
LORRAINE
Hello, Jerry!
JERRY
Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?
LORRAINE
How is everything?
JERRY
Good, good, good... What's goin' on?
LORRAINE
Oh, working hard. And you?
JERRY
Oh, you know, working around, same stuff,
doing... whatever.
LORRAINE
You haven't been around in a while.
JERRY
I know, I know... Well, you know.
LORRAINE
You should come by.
JERRY
Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just
saying that.
ELAINE
Hi, I'm Elaine.
LORRAINE
Lorraine. Catalano.
JERRY
I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...
(They all laugh, then silent)
LORRAINE
Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry.
And nice meeting you. (she
leaves)
ELAINE
Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!
JERRY
Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine
from my uncle's office. I'm in
big, big trouble.
ELAINE
The one you broke the plans with tonight?
JERRY
Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's
gonna see him tomorrow and
tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his
wife's gonna
call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction
of calls
this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like
the Bermuda
Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to
my aunt, my aunt
to my mother, my mother to my uncle...
JERRY
...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin
to my sister, my sister to me.
ELAINE
You should've just had dinner with your
uncle tonight and gotten in
over with. It's just a movie.
JERRY
Just a movie?! You don't understand.
This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8
from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked.
The worst
movie ever made!
(Elaine nods)
JERRY
Hey, I got news for you, if we're making
this movie, we gotta get a
table immediately.
ELAINE
Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around.
Let's just slip him some
money.
JERRY
In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take
money?
ELAINE
Do they take money? Everyone takes money.
I used to go out with a guy
who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.
GEORGE
20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?
ELAINE
Well what do you want to give him, change?
GEORGE
It's more than the meal!
JERRY
Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three
ways.
GEORGE
Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6.
I'm not gonna eat that much!
JERRY
I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's
gonna do it?
GEORGE
Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good
at these things, I get flustered.
Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost
got arrested.
ELAINE
I guess it's you, Jer.
JERRY
Me? What about you?
ELAINE
Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.
JERRY
The woman's movement just can't seem
to make any progress in the world
of bribery, can they?
ELAINE
Give me the money.
(Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)
ELAINE
How's it going'?
BRUCE
Very busy.
(Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)
ELAINE
Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.
BRUCE
Very good specials tonight.
(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)
ELAINE
If there's anything you can do to get
us a table we'd really appreciate
it.
BRUCE
What is your name? (he turns the page
over the money)
ELAINE
No no, I want to eat now! (she gets
the money from under the page)
BRUCE
Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight,
very fresh.
ELAINE
Here, take this. I'm starving. Take
it! Take
it!
(Bruce shrugs and takes it)
BRUCE
Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies)
Your table is ready.
ELAINE
No no, no, I want that table. I want
that table! Oh, come on, did you
see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us
a table.
JERRY
You lost the 20.
ELAINE
Well, how could he do that?
GEORGE
You didn't make it clear.
ELAINE
Make it clear?
JERRY
What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright,
let me get the money back.
(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely
embarrassing, my
friend here apparently made a mistake.
BRUCE
Your name?
JERRY
Seinfeld.
BRUCE
Yeah, Seinfeld 4!
JERRY
No no no, you see the girl there, with
the long hair?
(Elaine waves at him, smiling)
BRUCE
Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very
beautiful. Is your girlfriend?
JERRY
Well, actually, we did date for a while,
but... it's really not relevant
here.
BRUCE
Relationships are difficult. It's very
hard to stay together-
JERRY
Alright, listen, alright. How much longer
is it gonna be?
BRUCE
Oh. In about five, ten minutes.
(Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
ELAINE
So when are we gonna eat?
JERRY
Five, ten minutes.
GEORGE
We should have left earlier. I told
you.
JERRY
I don't see any way we can eat and make
this movie.
ELAINE
Oh, well I have to eat.
JERRY
Well let's just order to go, we'll eat
it in the cab.
ELAINE
Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a
cab?
JERRY
We'll eat it in the movie.
ELAINE
Oh, who do you think you're going? Do
you think that they have big
picnic tables there?
JERRY
Well what do you suggest?
ELAINE
I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger'
and we scarf 'em down.
JERRY
I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides,
it's in the opposite direction,
let's just eat popcorn or something.
BRUCE
Cartwright?
ELAINE
I can't have popcorn for dinner!
BRUCE
Cartwright?
ELAINE
I have to eat!
JERRY
So they have hotdogs there.
ELAINE
Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the
food off the floor.
GEORGE
I can't go anywhere, I have to wait
here for Tatiana's call. Let me
just check.
(goes over to Bruce)
GEORGE
Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?
BRUCE
Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright!
Cartwright!', just like
that. Nobody came up, I hang up.
GEORGE
Well, was it for Costanza or...
BRUCE
Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.
GEORGE
Well was it a woman?
BRUCE
Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here,
she said curse word, I hang up.
(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)
GEORGE
She called. He yelled Cartwright. I
missed her.
JERRY
Who's Cartwright?
GEORGE
I'm Cartwright!
JERRY
You're not Cartwri-
GEORGE
Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look,
why don't you two just go to the
movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.
ELAINE
Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.
JERRY
So You're not going?
ELAINE
You don't need us.
JERRY
Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself.
Who am I gonna make sarcastic
remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
GEORGE
Should we tell him we're leaving?
ELAINE
What for? Let's just get out of here.
(they all leave)
BRUCE
Seinfeld, 4?
(closing monologue)
JERRY
Hunger will make people do amazing things.
I mean, the proof of that is
cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating
and, you
know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know,
I mean, I
would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying
to get some very
deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like,
(pretending to
wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody
there? What do
you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry?
Get out of here!"
THE END
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