THE CONTEST
Written by
Larry David
(Monk's Coffee shop)
(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating
lunch)
JERRY
(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.
ELAINE
Mm-hm.
JERRY
You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-
ELAINE
(Smiling, chewing) Who, me?
JERRY
You, anybody - whatever. You're in the
little room, you're chained to the floor,
you're there for a long time.. do you
think they would ever consider doing
the laundry?
ELAINE
(Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's
in the Geneva Convention.
KRAMER
(Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You!
Take off your socks, your pants, your
underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon!
Take it off, take it off!
(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George
slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)
KRAMER
Hey, Georgie.
JERRY AND ELAINE
Hi.
(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)
JERRY
(To George) What's the matter?
GEORGE
(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught
me.
JERRY
"Caught" you? Doing what?
GEORGE
You know. (All three give him blank
stares) I was alone..
ELAINE
(Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!
GEORGE
(Nods) Uh-huh.
KRAMER
(Laughing) She caught you?
(Elaine laughs with Kramer)
JERRY
Where?
GEORGE
(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I
stopped by the house to drop the car
off, and I went inside for a few minutes..
Nobody was there - they're supposed
to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying
the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing
through it..
JERRY
"Glamour"?
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)
GEORGE
..So, one thing lead to another..
JERRY
So, what did she do?
GEORGE
First she screams, "George, what are
you doing?! My God!" And it looked like
she was gonna faint - she started clutching
the wall, trying to hang onto it.
KRMAER
(Reflecting on the story so far) Man..
GEORGE
I didn't know whether to try and keep
her from falling, or zip up.
JERRY
What did you do?
GEORGE
I zipped up!
ELAINE
(Wide-eyed) So, she fell?
GEORGE
Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to
be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well,
I couldn't run over there the way I
was!
ELAINE
No, I guess you couldn't have..
JERRY
(In the middle of Elaine's sentence,
smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.
ELAINE
(Finishing it off) ..done that.
GEORGE
So, she fell, and then she started screaming,
"My back! My back!" So, I picked her
up and took her to the hospital.
ELAINE
(Between chuckles) How is she?
GEORGE
(Somewhat angered) She's in traction.
ELAINE
(Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.
GEORGE
It's not funny, Elaine.
ELAINE
(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm
sorry. I'm serious.
GEORGE
Her back went out. She's gotta be there
for a couple of days. All she said on
the way over in the car was, "Why, George,
why?!".. I said, "Because it's
there!"
(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)
JERRY
"Glamour"?
(Elaine laughs)
GEORGE
(Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though
- I am never doing.. that , again.
ELAINE
What, you mean, in your mother's house,
or all together?
GEORGE
(Definite) All together.
(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)
ELAINE
Oh, gimme a break..
JERRY
(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.
KRAMER
Oh, like you're gonna stop?
JERRY AND ELAINE
C'mon..
GEORGE
You don't think I can?
JERRY
No chance.
GEORGE
(Daring) You think you could?
JERRY
Well, I know I could hold out longer
than you.
GEORGE
Care to make it interesting?
JERRY
Sure, how much?
GEORGE
A hundred dollars.
JERRY
(Pointing) You're on.
KRAMER
(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second.
Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)
JERRY
You?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
You'll be out before we get the check.
ELAINE
(Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.
GEORGE AND JERRY
(Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
(Showing difference) It's apples and
oranges..
ELAINE
What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from
Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?
JERRY
Because you're a woman!
ELAINE
So what?
JERRY
It's easier for a woman not to do it
than a man.
ELAINE
(Sarcastic) Oh.
JERRY
We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle.
It's like, uh.. shaving.
ELAINE
Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my
legs.
KRAMER
(Making a point) Not everyday.
GEORGE
Alright, look, you want to be in?
ELAINE
Yeah!
GEORGE
You gotta give us odds. At least two
to one - you gotta put up two-hundred
dollars.
KRAMER
No, a thousand!
ELAINE
No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.
GEORGE
Alright, you're in for one-fifty.
JERRY
(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.
GEORGE
Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor
this thing?
JERRY
Well, obviously, we all know each other
very well, (Elaine slightly laughs)
I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable
within the confines of the honor system.
KRAMER
Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the
center of the table)
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in
a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out
"Yeah!")
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is
on the phone with his mother)
GEORGE
(Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a
psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you
do pay for it! No! Discussion over.
Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes,
of course
I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the
coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me
to see a psychiatrist now. Why?!
Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if
everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing,
he snorts)
JERRY
(Waits for the rest of the sentence)
..Yeah?
GEORGE
(Defensively) Whatever.
(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)
JERRY
How is she?
GEORGE
(Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I
gotta go to the hospital to see her
tonight.
JERRY
(Answering to the intercom) Yeah?
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking
the front door)
GEORGE
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
JERRY
(Opens his door slightly for Elaine)
Dating Marla.
GEORGE
Oh, the virgin?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the
latest?
JERRY
Well, I got my troops amassed along
the border - I'm just waiting for someone
to give me the go-ahead.
(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)
KRAMER
Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a
naked woman across the street.
(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)
JERRY
Where?
KRAMER
Second floor from the top. (Pointing)
See the window on the left?
GEORGE
(In awe) Wow!
JERRY
(Also amazed) Who walks around the house
like that?!
(All eyes are glued to the woman)
GEORGE
(Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You
know, those nudist colony people..
KRAMER
..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands
up, and walks out Jerry's apartment
- leaving Jerry and George with the
view, he shuts the door behind him)
JERRY
Hey, let me ask you a question. In these
nudist colonies, do they eat naked in
the dining room?
GEORGE
I would imagine it's all naked.
JERRY
What about the chamber maids? Are they
naked, too?
GEORGE
(Still focused on the nudist) They're
naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops.
(Jerry makes a noise of astonishment)
One big nude-a-rama.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY AND GEORGE
(Only turning back for a second) Hey.
ELAINE
Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who
caved?
JERRY
(Over his shoulder) Not me.
GEORGE
(Also, over his shoulder) Not me.
ELAINE
What're you looking at?
JERRY
There's a naked woman across the street.
ELAINE
(Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be
the easiest money I've ever made in
my life. (Moving on to a new topic)
So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an
aerobics
class. I'm gonna go tonight.
JERRY
(Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress
should've taken it back.
ELAINE
(Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying
attention) So then, I got a call this
morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen
to go on the space shuttle. We're goin'
to Mars.
JERRY
(Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.
GEORGE
Have a good time.
(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen,
and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)
KRAMER
(Declaring) I'm out!
(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's
mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
GEORGE
You're out?!
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions)
what?
ELAINE
Well, that was fast!
JERRY
Well, it was that woman across the street.
(To Jerry) You know, you better be careful,
buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks
out, shutting the door
behind him)
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)
ELAINE
..And then there were three.
(Hospital room)
(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair,
is visiting her)
ELAINE
I don't understand you. I really don't.
You have nothing better to do at three
o' clock in the afternoon? I go out
for a quart of milk, I come home, and
find
my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
GEORGE
(Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.
ESTELLE
Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing
I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked
my head open.
GEORGE
Ma, people can hear you.
ESTELLE
(Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't
do that for a living. You'd be very
successful at it. You could sell out
Madison Square Garden. Thousands of
people could watch you! You could be a big star!
GEORGE
(Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!
ESTELLE
I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
GEORGE
No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!
ESTELLE
Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?
GEORGE
(Like a kid) Because I don't want to.
ESTELLE
I want you to go see somebody.
GEORGE
Well, I am not going.
ESTELLE
It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)
SHELLY
Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how
did this happen?
GEORGE
(Snapping) Is that important, really?
What is this, a police investigation?
The woman's been through enough. She
has to relive the experience now?!
(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a
shapely nurse can be seen entering)
NURSE
Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your
sponge bath.
(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)
DENISE
Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell
asleep.
(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is
visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through
the curtain)
SHELLY
(Seems not to notice what's going on
beyond the divider) So, George, what
are you doing now? I hear you got some
kinda television, writing - thing?
GEORGE
(Slowly backing away, he's not at all
committed to the conversation) Yeah..
television.
(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)
NURSE
Let me help you out with that. Here,
just slip it over your head..
DENISE
Oh.. thank you.
SHELLY
(Nodding) Well, it's about time. We
thought you were gonna wind up on the
street. (As the bath is going on, George
is now completely mesmerized)
What is it you're doing, exactly?
(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)
ESTELLE
George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking
to you!
(New York Health Club)
(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking
with her friend, Joyce)
JOYCE
So, when was the last time you took
a class?
ELAINE
Oh, it's been a while.
JOYCE
(Overly excited) Are you psyched?
ELAINE
(Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really..
psyched.
JOYCE
Well, you're gonna thank me for getting
you in here.
ELAINE
Why is that?
JOYCE
(Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention
off-camera) See the guy with the dark
hair and the red shorts?
(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless,
she turns back to her friend)
ELAINE
(Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce
nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
JOYCE
He's gonna be in your class today.
ELAINE
(Still unable to speak right) In my
class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my
class?!
JOYCE
I can get you a spot right behind him.
He has got a great butt.
ELAINE
Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's
butt.
(Jerry's car)
(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out.
After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)
MARLA
Let's slow it down a little.
JERRY
"Slow it down"?
MARLA
Well, (Reminding him of her virginity)
You know..
JERRY
Ah, yeah.. I know.
MARLA
You're okay with that, right?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you
think I care about the sex? What kind
of person do you think I am? That doesn't
mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't
care about that.
MARLA
So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?
JERRY
(Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.
MARLA
Alright, then. Good night.
JERRY
Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans
forward, adding) Not just a good night
- a great night. (She shuts the door,
he waves)
(Jerry's bedroom)
(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable
to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide
awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to
Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The
scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)
KRAMER
(Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!
JERRY
(Out of it) Yeah, good morning.
KRAMER
Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid
sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)
JERRY
She's not there. She's doin' her wash.
KRAMER
(Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did
you make it through the night?
JERRY
(Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say
I did!
KRAMER
So, you're still master of your domain.
JERRY
(Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles)
Master of my domain. But I will tell
you this: I am going over to (Gestures
to the nudist) her apartment, and
I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!
KRAMER
Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you
just say?
JERRY
I can't take it anymore! She's driving
me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave
the house, and I' here, I'm climbin'
the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin,
I'm in
this contest - something's gotta give!
KRAMER
Do you hear what you're saying?! Can
you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat)
This is a beautiful woman walking around
naked, and you want to tell her to
stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens-
I'm not gonna let you do it.
JERRY
(Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get
out of my way.
KRAMER
(Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't!
You can't! This is something that comes
about once in a lifetime! When we were
boys, looking through our
noise) throw it away?!
JERRY
Look, I'm sorry-
KRAMER
No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
JERRY
Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta
my way!
KRAMER
(Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't
do it! For my sake! God knows I don't
ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come
on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm
beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!
(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)
JERRY
Alright.. (Takes his coat off)
KRAMER
Yes!
JERRY
..Alright.
KRAMER
(Moving to the window) Thank you, thank
you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair,
looking out the window)
JERRY
She's not there!
KRAMER
Oh, I can wait..
(Monk's Coffee shop)
(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)
JERRY
So the nurse was giving her a sponge
bath?
GEORGE
Every night at six-thirty. The nurse
was gorgeous.. then I got a look at
the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts)
I was going nuts.
JERRY
Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going
back to that hospital.
GEORGE
(Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..
(Jerry nods)
JERRY
(Pointing) But are you still master
of your domain?
GEORGE
(Arms out) I am king of the county.
You?
JERRY
Lord of the manor.
(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)
ELAINE
John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
(Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.
JERRY
Really? Did you talk to him?
ELAINE
No, you don't understand - he was working
out right in front of me. So, listen,
after the class was over, I timed my
walk to the door so we'd get there at
the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world
of what he said) "Quite a workout."
GEORGE
"Quite a workout"? What did you say?
ELAINE
(Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."
JERRY
(Adding, fake praise) Good one.
ELAINE
So then, listen, listen. So then, I
showered and I dressed, and I saw him
again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly
out of breath) So we're walkin' and
And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we
get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right?
But this is John F. Kennedy Junior
we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where
do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block,
so I said your building. So he
dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all
the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold
water and presses it up to her
forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..
JERRY
But the question is, are you still master
of your domain?
ELAINE
(Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the
castle. (Pops a piece of food into her
mouth)
(Estelle's hospital room)
(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his
watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)
ESTELLE
You're back.
GEORGE
Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be
back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm
going to pay her a visit.
ESTELLE
I know, but two days in a row? You didn't
have to do this.
GEORGE
You're my mother! What wouldn't I do
for you?
ESTELLE
You know what you could do? I haven't
eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this
hospital food. Maybe you could run down
to the deli and get me a
sandwich..
GEORGE
(Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles
back, nodding) A little later. (George
sits back in a nearby chair, looking
at the divider in anticipation)
ESTELLE
(Let down) Could you go now, George?
I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
GEORGE
Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's
the difference?
ESTELLE
I don't understand why you can't do
this for me!
GEORGE
(Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd
like to spend a little time with you.
ESTELLE
But if you wait, they won't let you
back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
GEORGE
Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box
of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and
tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
ESTELLE
Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets
them aside) I'm sorry you came.
(Nurse enters)
NURSE
(To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your
sponge bath.
(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on
the divider)
ESTELLE
George.. I'm huuunnnggry!
GEORGE
(Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang
on..
(New York Health Club)
(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously
looking around for JFK Jr.)
JOYCE
Hi!
ELAINE
Hi.
JOYCE
Did you get your hair done today?
ELAINE
No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little
bit. (Still looking around, she quickly
checks her breath)
JOYCE
You know who - isn't here. He was in
the early class today. (Elaine looses
her composure) But I think you made
quite an impression on him yesterday.
ELAINE
(Regarding herself) What? What? Who?
Me-me-me? I made an impression? What
impression?
JOYCE
Let me just put this back. (Turns to
put a stack of shorts away)
(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her
direction)
ELAINE
No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he
say?!
JOYCE
(Uneasy) He asked about you.
ELAINE
(Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy
asked about me?! (Hangs off the side
of the counter, both feet in the air)
What did he say?
JOYCE
He wanted to know your situation.
ELAINE
(Quick) What situation? I have a situation?
JOYCE
I-I told him you were single.
ELAINE
That was good. That was very good.
JOYCE
He said you were just his type.
ELAINE
(Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me?
Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin'
to injure me, right? You're trying to
hurt me.
JOYCE
He also told me to tell you that he'll
be in your neighborhood tomorrow around
nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in
front of your building if you want to
come down and say hello.
(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother,
watching TV)
JERRY
Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later..
Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny
Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I
like kid shows. They have a very innocent,
wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
(Hangs up)
KRAMER
(Obviously watching the nudist across
the street) Oh, that's good. That's
good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's
hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at
Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little
bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's
good.. yes, yes, yes..
JERRY
(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts
to sing along with the TV) The wheels
on the bus go round and round, round
and round, round and round. The
wheels on the bus..
(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
KRAMER
The woman across the street has nothing
on, nothing on, nothing on..
(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions,
trying to over ride the other)
(George's room)
(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to
Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him.
Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light.
The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next
scene, she's sound asleep too)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the
lack of sex)
GEORGE
All you got is instant coffee? Why don't
you get some real coffee?
JERRY
I don't keep real coffee in here, I
get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom
buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!
ELAINE
(Through intercom) It's Elaine.
JERRY
(Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door
for Elaine)
GEORGE
Where did you get those socks?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I think those are my socks!
JERRY
How are these your socks?!
GEORGE
I don't know, but those are my socks!
I had a pair just like that with the
blue stripe, and now I don't have them
anymore!
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right,
well, you fell asleep one day on the
sofa and I took them off your stinkin'
feet. They looked so good to me, I just
had to
have them!
GEORGE
Yeah, well, they're my socks!
JERRY
They're my socks!
(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)
GEORGE
Oh boy..
JERRY
What are we doing here..
GEORGE
..Oh boy.
JERRY
This is ridiculous.
GEORGE
Do you believe this? We're fighting.
We're fighting.
JERRY
I haven't been myself lately. I've been
snapping at everybody.
GEORGE
Me too. I've been yelling at strangers
on the street.
(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)
ELAINE
Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of
her purse, and starts to count it up)
GEORGE
(Shocked) You caved?!
JERRY
It's over?
GEORGE
You're out?
JERRY
Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.
(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)
GEORGE
I figured you'd cruise. At least through
the Spring.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
It was..uh.. John-John.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Ohhhhh.. John-John.
JERRY
But you made it through the day before.
ELAINE
Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce,
the aerobics teacher, that he wants
to meet me outside here at nine o' clock
tonight.
JERRY
Why outside here?
ELAINE
Because he think I live here. Remember
when we shared a cab, and he dropped
me off out in front? He's picking me
up.
(George picks up the money, counting it)
JERRY
Alright, Costanza - it's just you and
me.
GEORGE
And then, (Smacks the money) there were
two.
ELAINE
(Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)
MARLA
Let's go in the bedroom.
JERRY
Really?
MARLA
Yes.
JERRY
You sure?
MARLA
Yes.
JERRY
You really want to?
MARLA
I do. I'm ready.
JERRY
Okay..
MARLA
I know how difficult this must have
been for you.
JERRY
(Chuckles) You don't know the half of
it.
(They both laugh slightly)
MARLA
What do you mean?
JERRY
Well, it's kinda silly, but..
(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She
checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla,
obviously upset, is putting her coat
on)
MARLA
Contest?! A contest! This is what you
do with your friends?
JERRY
No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually
started with George and his mother-
MARLA
I don't want to hear another word. And
to think how close I came to you being
the one! I must have been out of my
mind.
(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs
his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in
his chair, staring at the woman)
(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying
to hail a taxi)
ELAINE
Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-
MARLA
I don't want to have anything to do
with you or your perverted friends.
(Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh,
get away from me! You're horrible.
Horrible! All of you!
(Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE
What happened?
JERRY
I told her about the contest.
ELAINE
Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.
(George enters)
GEORGE
(To Elaine) Hey, what happened?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
I thought you were meeting Kennedy.
ELAINE
(Let down) He didn't show.
GEORGE
Yeah, he did.
ELAINE
What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my
God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..
GEORGE
No, no, no. He just left.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Yeah, he was talking to Marla.
JERRY
Marla?
GEORGE
Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like,
crying, and he was consoling her, and
then, she, uh, just got into his car,
and they just drove away.
ELAINE
(Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?
GEORGE
Yeah.
ELAINE
They drove away?
GEORGE
Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said
'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-
JERRY
(Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my
God in heaven!
(All three crowd around the window)
ELAINE
(Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?
GEORGE
Kramer?!
(A brief pause)
ELAINE
He's waving..
(All three wave back)
(Elaine's bedroom)
(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They
too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist
- both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's
bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)
MARLA
Ohh, John. That was wonderful..
THE END
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